The sad absurdity about this ongoing selfishness is the fact that they themselves will never get enough, craving for the impossible while constantly feeling empty on the inside. There is no inner satisfaction possible ever. And besides they are not only hurting themselves but also the ones nearby. What a sad life indeed!
I so agree! I could give and give and give some more, but he still would be a bottomless pit, still wanting more and more. But, actually that is a major reason that I woke up to his narcissistic ways. Because eventually I found that I had nothing more to give him. I had no desire to keep on in this endless giving to him, never getting anything in return, except maybe a crumb of kindness every once in a blue moon. The other truth I finally understood and woke up to, in this marriage, was that NOTHING that I had ever done for him, to show that I cared about him and put his needs first, ever mattered. If I didn't fulfill his needs or requests in the present moment I was met with anger and verbal abuse! He never took into consideration all I had done for him in the past. If I didn't fulfill his present demand then I was nothing to him, I was useless! They are selfish, self centered, nasty, self pitying miserable creatures!!!
The amount of gaslighting I've dealt with is what eats me alive. The person never remembers what they did but somehow can tell me everything wrong with me.
Absolutely, that’s how they operate, I’ve experienced all of that, they remember every single thing about you once it makes you look bad, they also remember things that never happened at all, very sad but you’re better off knowing than being in the fog.
Judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree and it will forever think it's self stupid . Your actual capability scares them . What you have achieved can't be acknowledged.
@@DaisyRenee713 how old is your son? I can so relate...one of my kids is in the 'fangs' of their narc dad and modeling/adopting his behavior, and the others...well it remains to be seen how they turn out. 🤞🏼🤞🏼🙏The hardest part for me is not being able to tell them what I see happening, because otherwise I'm the one badmouthing their dad. I wish you strength and resilience. 🤍🤍
Selfishness driven by their immaturity. They are toddlers with no hope of maturing. I really wonder if they think about selfishness. It’s just a reaction.
Actually they don’t understand selfishness but many learn to mimic altruism in order to boost their image 😉 it’s the third ingredient in the narcissistic trifecta of sex/cash/show
Mine has a complete unawareness of his selfishness. He fully believes he is the greatest of human beings that has been done wrong by life as well as by certain people around him (myself included) and refuses to see it any other way. Try telling someone who thinks so highly of himself that he is just the opposite…. An entitled, selfish and self centered individual.
The end of the spectrum goes beyond selfishness. They lack empathy, sympathy, compassion. I have experienced this behavior many times before. It’s beyond explanation. Frankly, I am surprised I wasn’t physically harmed. The worst was at first a cold, blank, empty stare while I was sobbing, shaking, and could barely move. I thought I was going to need an ambulance. They just stood there and made mocking noises and statements.
@@anneprocopio8519 you’re right. I thought things had changed a year ago. But, no. The same behavior returned within days of having a nice time with family. They even speak differently, holding their face in a new posture. It’s weird to say the least. LOL
The selfishness is hard to comprehend. They just cannot factor in another human being. The one I live with is utterly unable to talk about me. I said once that I didn't think they were able to see me as a person with needs and desires. She said, 'So be it'!
As Dr says, when your lessened, they're increased, in their mind. It's the backbone of the archetype. Your a mirror that has to show them how great they are, nothing less and nothing else.
The saddest aspect of all this is that there's no way to get through to them and they will continue this disturbed way of thinking and conducting their relationships indefinitely.
My sister is the narcissist but not in my life anymore. Can’t choose your family so I’ve chosen to not engage because I have self love and will not let her hurt me one more time. Gaslighting, bragging, lying, love bombing, manipulating sister bye bye.
My narcissist father got divorced 3 times. He called me 'selfish.' I've never been divorced and don't try to cause other people harm. This projection is narcissist do onto others is delusional.
I’ve watched a lot of these educational videos. I’d like to say you and dr ramani are the best of the best. You’re so accurate and deliver your skills in a balanced way. You’ve both helped me tons through what’s been a very tough time thus far. ( been in no contact for 2 months and I’m undergoing therapy ) thank you soo much and god bless you
Agree 100% absolutely for the 2 "best of the best" 🖐️😃 For me: 🧡 lifesavers 🧡 After them, I would add also others for me "on the podium" , helping me on my recovery path: Dr Jay Reid Dr Lindsay Gibson Dr Rebecca Mandeville Plus, a "group" of other amazing people > the researchers on trauma and cptsd + the ways to treat it (even if you don't have much financial resources)
@lishmahlishmah Do you have a list of those you mentioned as "Plus, a "group" of other amazing people > the researchers on trauma and cptsd + the ways to treat it (even if you don't have much financial resources)"? Thank you!
@@Dove-gx5gz Yes, I have it and I'll try to send it to you (in a few hours). Anyway there are always huge problems with comments including lists of professionals because these posts often disappear. Meaning, most probably the yt system interprets them as spam and delete them. Actually, I'm still surprised that my previous comment (with names) is visible!!! I'm happy about that and I hope my next message will be visible too. See you later, as soon as I can.
@@Dove-gx5gz Hey there. I've sent my post with the list , but I can't see it here. I have tried 3 times. Nothing is visible ... I hope you received it in the youtube notification by email
I read a great quote that said "Selfishness isn't prioritizing your own needs when you need to, it's when you insist that other people prioritize your wants/needs when they may not be in an emotional, physical, or financial place to do so." That really stuck with me because I have family members who talk about how I didn't check in on them or were there for them at I time I was dealing with three very painful deaths in the span of three months.
Absolutely true!! My mom is super upset and constantly guilt tripping me because my dad was diagnosed with terminal leukemia a few months ago, and because I'm in school and also working, I haven't been able to visit as much as I or she would like. She's constantly making comments about how I need to spend time with my dad before he goes, but she doesn't understand that I've got so much going on and I'm already stretched beyond my limits. I've gone to visit them several times this semester, but it's never enough. I've been calling alot more frequently to make up for not being able to go visit as often, but she still takes her digs at me, and it really makes me feel like I'm being a bad daughter. I feel so guilty all the time. I just wish she could put herself in my shoes and really try to understand what I'm going thru in my own life, and how much stress I carry on my shoulders every second of every day. She has a habit of guilt tripping and manipulation to get her way, so I should be used to it by now, but it still hurts😕😕
Yes! I've always experienced it and described it as being when these people prioritize their own convenience, comfort, luxury and petty preferences over my bottom line survival needs - which has often been constant!
After our breakup I told my ex that I really felt sorry for him. If everything is everyone else’s fault they really have no power to improve any relationships!! Life is so much better away from that illusion of a relationship…❤🎉
I'M back , gone way to long, notebook is out and taking notes again and everything you described I went through from last Oct till just few weeks ago with a family member. I was a nobody the whole time looking back with 20/20 hindsight . Just good when my wallet was out . Got one big ticket item out of me and then moved out and on from me . Getting stronger each day . Family can do the most harm or greatest good .
I’m shocked how narcissistic the person I was with is. They do every item you mentioned. Especially recalling what they did in a favourable light which is not what happened
Sadly, I was raised by a narcissistic mother. I had no idea how to deal w/ her. I was a little girl. I walked on eggs around her. She was extremely critical. I quickly developed an inferiority complex. She was abusive to me...but to the outside world , our relatives, she was a wonderful person. I saw her dark side. She reserved that for when no one was around.
You are not alone. My narc mom is so selfish, she secretly buried my dad (after I begged to be there) when he died and sent me a video to rub it in. No remorse. She didn't include my siblings either!
@@kellyswanson6934 I'm sorry you experienced that. People who are fortunate to have wonderful parents haven't a clue what it's like to be raised by an abusive parent.
Yes as usual you are so right. I gave until I saw the light bulb go on .As a mother I thought it was my duty to always be there , but got cast aside like a worn out shoe. Thank you Dr C for your guidance .
I too was left in the dust by my 19 yr old daughter after her father and I split. They both have the same traits of selfishness narcism. It's been 8 yrs of no contact even though I only tried with my daughter. And no wedding invite either. I remember her telling me "Dad's trying to be a Dad now" What BS he's filled her head with. I'm sure it was only to inflict pain on me. Our separation was a nightmare with him, where he financially starved me for 15 months with no alimony after a 26 yr marriage
It’s just so sad for me that I didn’t know about narcissistic behavior back in 2009. I filed for divorce. But was love bombed and was talked into believing my husband and dropped the proceedings. Now my health has been tremendously effected and so many other things going on. He has tried to turn my children, grandchildren and other family members against me , smear campaign. Sometimes I feel totally trapped and I am 70 years old.😢
I've no idea why this channel hasn't yet attracted mass subs. I love this therapist, comforting voice and total insights. It has really helped me so much.
Narcissists absolutely believe, that the more they give, the less they will have. Even children (healthy ones) understand the paradox that when we all give, we all win. Thank you Dr, you are a beacon of truth, Sir. 🔆
I just cannot believe how much my ex husband and my daughter have hurt my life. I mean, crimes, making me fear every day, lying to the Court, smearing my good name, leaving me for dead and to fend for myself…pure evil. And I have these people my whole self. I pray my sadness will one day be less.
not only it is sad, it's amazing that they cannot see their true self. but others can. I have had people stop me in stores to tell me how they can see how my XNarcissist truly is. people tell me how sad his truth is, I agree. his brother walked out on him so no family. just party party party all his life. and use anyone he can. and now in his older years, no wife, no kids, no grandchildren. no one.
Oh God ,try to break free as soon as you can,or you will spend the next years repeating this as you are left so confused by their gaslighting. Took me years to realise what was happening . Mine cheated constantly and twisted the truth when questioned (gaslighting) .I promise that life will get better. Best of luck .Give yourself a big hug and start anew .xxx❤❤❤❤
@ 🫶🏻🫶🏻 I prayed for a resolution last night , early this evening I finally found my voice and confronted him with his cheating , I knew weeks ago I wasn’t enough for him but to have the evidence is painful and to know if I hadn’t have got this anonymous message this hell that I’ve been living in , constantly blamed for his unhappiness would have carried on, 16 years of an illusion , but you are so right and Thankyou so much for your beautiful words they mean so much , happy for you and happy for me ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
I am so thankful for your revealing posts that have helped me keep my sanity thru so much. I realize I'm not everyone though and I'm wondering when people go thru this, are they less likely or more likely to recognize future encounters with these personalities? Is there a percentage that continue to fall for the same hole in the sidewalk again and again? How many of us actually work hard enough to recognize the red flags to step back from falling into the bottomless pit?
It takes a full year of recovery from that trauma bond without dating or addiction but total concentration on overcoming codependency including cognitive dissonance as well as rumination 💔❤️🩹♥️ I’m over a year free & each day helps me feel like narcissism is in the fear view mirror thanx to free help from Dr C 😉 he’s the gold standard on how to thrive after surviving this type of abusive situation
Moments of clarity come from talking about the world of narcissistic personalities with Dr. C. Thank you, you help us see the person before us and understand the limitation they live with. ❤
Both my mother and stepfather have narcissistic traits…. All of them when you put the 2 together…. Super 💩y people. Every therapist I’ve been to is surprised I haven’t done more drugs. 😅💁🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️ I’m in my late 40s and have been no contact for a year and a half. Just starting to be able to regulate my anxieties. Thank you for your videos 💜
I could actually scream as I hear this explained and feel like I have lived with this forever. It is so hard to accept. Thanks for the explanations. It is just so hard to believe I never saw my own acceptance of this behavior as abnormal. I am in shock.
I like how you are staying in your lane.. What I mean by that is that you show how Narcissists behave and how they think.. I am having an issue with someone I follow because they aren't staying in their lane.. I might back away from them.. Selfishness is when they will do whatever it takes to get what they want all the time..
I sure would NIT WANT want to be in their body and be them…saaaaad for sure! My mouth still hangs open to even think things like this exist even though I’ve been around it all my life. Thank you Dr. C and look at precious Gus. From Cynthia Ann in JANESVILLE, WI
I guess the Pp I knew was bad at that. I never thought charming, but weak and full of it. Others though think him nice, he's utilitarian. Did ai put that right. He exists in a hierarchy of Narcs and enablers and sheep.
One technique to quickly see through fake charm is that when someone is applying it to you respectfully reject it and do not give them back the energy their charm is attempting to evoke. A normal same person would be able to understand why immediate affection may not be readily accepted. Someone with NPD will immediately become sharp when you do not give them what their charm is seeking to evoke. obviously not everyone who responds sharply is a narcissist, but I have found that it is a quick litmus test to give you insight into how genuine their affections are
This describes my soon to be ex husband completely. Thank you Dr C for helping me move beyond him and to come back to me. I've been lost in this bad marriage fur 12 years.
It’s astounding to watch the show they can put on for other people’s consumption and yet you know, as the spouse that it’s all for show and you are fully expected to play a supporting role to further convince onlookers that the farce is true. To see people fall into that story is disappointing to say the least. And once they’ve fallen for it, they cannot and will not believe anything other than that unless they become the target of the narcissist for some reason. The motive of the empty narcissist seems to be to entrap an empath and then draw the life completely out of them and then discard them once they can “prove” to their flying monkeys that the person was trash to begin with. Somehow in their twisted minds, putting someone else down in any way makes them higher on the virtue-scale and that seems to be how they think the rest of the world works as well. I’ve described them as a tiny person hiding in a deep, dark cave, deathly afraid that someone might see them. I made that description within a week of meeting someone and it becomes more clear every day. The harder you try to “help” that frightened person, the worse it becomes. And it’s also a moving target. I’ve determined that there’s no point in trying to make it better because they’ll resist that with their last breath. Therapy for them is dangerous. It’s like a training course in how to hone their already sharp skills. Satan clearly is in control of them and they’d have it no other way. And many of them hide behind virtue like religion to make themselves more credible. The interesting thing is that psychopaths devour narcissists because the psychopaths can lie without conscience while the narcissist demands lies because they’re so desperate to hear what they want to hear, regardless of knowing the truth. But unfortunately empaths are the staple diet of narcissists.
It's so healing to me to hear this reality. Especially this part - They have this unbending need to appear invincible. "I've got to be strong and I'm going to be strong by being invincible. Nobody gets through to me and I'm proud of it." It really helps me see the cold stare for what it is.
My mother iss a narcissistic very selfish and cruel I am in therapy to help but she is a monster of evil she is in her nineties as a only child I care for her but it so hard manage I fall into despair I needed to vent that to you and thank for a huge analysis to this disorder I sometimes felt like loosing but your information is like manna for me I am sad I am severely ill and possibly fatal the abuse never ends thank you so much may God bless the other that have reached out that c experienced this abuse may God give you back your strength to survive my being reign upon you you are able in faith and endurance to this pain. May joy enlighten this cycle. I WISH YOU ALL
Unapologetically call her out on her endless BS until she leaves. It works and she will walk to the furthest corner of the earth to avoid you if you do it enough times.
They do lots of helping/stuff to look good so they can turn round when you express a feeling or a need, to call you selfish. Whilst simultaneously expecting you to be a mind reader of their feelings and needs.
Well, Dr. C., you've done it again -- you've given me words to explain what I've been experiencing in my 10 year relationship with a narc. The whole "I've given up on the idea of goodness" so they're just out for self is really, really accurate. I've always struggled to understand the underhandedness and conniving, deceitful nature of narcissism...but if you don't believe there is any good in the world, why would a person do anything else except be terminally selfish?! This makes so much sense (sadly). Thanks again for such great content, Dr. Carter!
I spoke to a Counsler today. Her opinion it could be dementia. I just don't know the change in this person is devastating. I want you happy then a minute later I'm called names and ungrateful.
In my experience narcissists are pretty consistent in their abusive tendencies. If someone you know has changed a great deal and doesn't seem of sound mind then it could be an illness like dementia for sure.
@joanna0988 or a traumatic brain injury. Mine has had 2 and my therapist says it could be and mentioned dementia. Although outward behavior changed much after the first injury I can now look back and see tendencies. Tendencies mean something but if resisted that is to be seen. What does the therapist suggest? I really wish there was more on this.
@jeankipper6954 That's true. I don't have that answer. I watched Terri Cole talk to a doctor in her summit. He studied brain scans of people with tbi's. He talked about one case where the woman left her spouse before she knew what it was and had terrible regret.
Thank you thank you thank you so much Dr Carter you don't know how much you have really helped me see through all of the absurdities of this person that I have been married to all of these years
It is about altruism, isn't it? A tendency to care about another without any gain. My father had another mini stroke. He lost more recall and after hours was definitely at a deficit. What I saw though after the initial confusion was a man who looked around at strangers and had concern for them. It was beautiful.
It is funny that it took me 20 years to realize the selfishness of my ex-husband. The funny thing is he accused me of being selfish anytime he felt like it. But I noticed that in the smallest thing all the time. He always did what he wanted and not caring about what I wanted. If I wanted to sleep with an open window, that was a No. If I had a fan running and he entered the room he turned it off even if he wasn’t gonna stay in the room. If I told my daughter to please turn on the fan he immediately said No. On one occasion I looked down to my phone and he used that very moment to turn off the TV and when I asked him why, he said: you weren’t watching it. I called him out and told him: does he realize his needs always came first by default. When we had filed for divorce he stayed in the master bedroom while I shared a small room with my daughter. Anyway, it is good to become aware of this so we can form some boundaries and stand up for ourselves. Otherwise we’re like frogs burning up in slowly heated water not realizing the control suffocating us over time.
I’m 70 and only learning in the last few weeks all about narcissists and gaslighting. Didn’t know what these words meant before now. Now everything to do with my life with him falls into place. He made decisions that cost us financially over the years and always blamed someone else. He has lied and cheated throughout our marriage . Unfortunately as I move to end this marriage our adult sons blame me for any problems we had. They are barely talking to me and I’m a broken woman. At the moment we have to stay in the same house until it’s sold and he walks around as if nothing is going on . I’m fuming one minute at his behaviour and the next I’m panicking and dry reaching into the sink. They are pure evil .
These videos have helped me understand my relationship with my father and the way he acts towards me and the pain these interactions have caused. Thanks!!
This describes a lot of my wife. She always seems put out to do things for others. And when she does do something for others it is often accompanied by verbal complaints.
Yep, revisionist history : once in an argument about twenty years ago my wife started attacking me physically, all I did was to grab and hold her right hand till she calmed down. 15 years later it has changed to I attacked her ! She did reverse reality the same way to one of our kids too.
My narc hates that I can be content even if things aren't great. I can find a silver lining. He is always unhappy to me about his life that he's made all the decisions for. Insane
When my sons and I are in a room talking and my husband comes in, they start to saunter out of the room! 😂 I asked him once, "Why do you think they do that?" He said , "I never really thought about it." 😮
I'm out of a narcissistic relationship 8 yrs now. My ex narcissistic husband is now moving his narcissistic mother in with him. I wonder how this could ever work. I do think they deserve each other.
10:37 You also want to be careful with that aspect, because narcs will be more than happy to try and exploit that and tell you how you need to help others so as to do it "right. A selfishness that knows no bounds...
Is there any helpful way to encourage a stranger who is angry and demolishing their cowed child in public? I find it incredibly distressing. I want to let them know that they can learn how to manage their anger and regulate their emotions. But what can I say that doesn’t come across as interfering and judgmental? Poor children 😥 I feel as though I’m neglecting the child when I say nothing.
I feel the same way. However you must remember that anything you say may very possibly result in even more abuse to the child because they will blame the child afterward. Please don't risk it. Look for another way. Even if you report to child services anonymously, the child is still in danger. I have done just that, only to have the offending parent move a few miles away (10 miles) to another state to escape jurisdiction. This person was a prison guard. Things only got worse. 😢
![ลองสุ่มไอโฟน 990 โกงมั้ย? [ โกงมั้ยครับ ep.101 ] | DOM](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/bfsWe0j492k/mqdefault.jpg)
The sad absurdity about this ongoing selfishness is the fact that they themselves will never get enough, craving for the impossible while constantly feeling empty on the inside. There is no inner satisfaction possible ever. And besides they are not only hurting themselves but also the ones nearby. What a sad life indeed!
Well said 👏🏽
So dang true!! 🙌🏼🙌🏼
@@amandaliverpool3374yes! 🙌🏼
If they can't have it their way no one gets to have anything ever again.
I so agree!
I could give and give and give some more, but he still would be a bottomless pit, still wanting more and more.
But, actually that is a major reason that I woke up to his narcissistic ways.
Because eventually I found that I had nothing more to give him.
I had no desire to keep on in this endless giving to him, never getting anything in return, except maybe a crumb of kindness every once in a blue moon.
The other truth I finally understood and woke up to, in this marriage, was that NOTHING that I had ever done for him, to show that I cared about him and put his needs first,
ever mattered.
If I didn't fulfill his needs or requests in the present moment I was met with anger and verbal abuse!
He never took into consideration all I had done for him in the past.
If I didn't fulfill his present demand then I was nothing to him, I was useless!
They are selfish, self centered, nasty, self pitying miserable creatures!!!
The amount of gaslighting I've dealt with is what eats me alive. The person never remembers what they did but somehow can tell me everything wrong with me.
thats why no contact is the only way in dealing with these demons
Absolutely, that’s how they operate, I’ve experienced all of that, they remember every single thing about you once it makes you look bad, they also remember things that never happened at all, very sad but you’re better off knowing than being in the fog.
Judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree and it will forever think it's self stupid . Your actual capability scares them . What you have achieved can't be acknowledged.
Comparison is the thief of joy.
This
Honestly, narcissists absolutely HATE another person's independence.
Because you’re mother 😉
Unless they’re also antisocial
And achievements
@@thinkingallowed1st ....YUP ....
@@EasyRussianLessons success and happiness too.
An ocean of love wouldn’t fill up a narcissist because s/he doesn’t want 💗 but just power over you!
I'm in it ..they are blind
Just resistance and conflict.....no love. Sick people!!
Yes. They are slick. Remember Lucifer's first sin? Narcissism.
They “disremember” … good word
“Love is nowhere to be found” so sad but so true in my case too.
I've lost my adult son to narcissistic disorder. That truly breaks my heart and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.
@@DaisyRenee713 how old is your son? I can so relate...one of my kids is in the 'fangs' of their narc dad and modeling/adopting his behavior, and the others...well it remains to be seen how they turn out. 🤞🏼🤞🏼🙏The hardest part for me is not being able to tell them what I see happening, because otherwise I'm the one badmouthing their dad. I wish you strength and resilience. 🤍🤍
@@Dr.DorisTorres he's 44
@@DaisyRenee713 that's very hard. I'm sorry you're experiencing that. Sending love and light your way ❤✨
Very often they will do unselfish things to make themselves look good.
Yes, they will do almost anything to appear like the "nice guy" in public, to a neighbor, etc. but at home their mask comes off.
"love is not love until you give it away"
🤗
Selfishness driven by their immaturity. They are toddlers with no hope of maturing. I really wonder if they think about selfishness. It’s just a reaction.
You are on target.
Actually they don’t understand selfishness but many learn to mimic altruism in order to boost their image 😉 it’s the third ingredient in the narcissistic trifecta of sex/cash/show
What they don't realise is that if they were selfless, they would receive more ❤
Selfless or selfish it makes no difference,what you don’t give them they’ll take anyway.
Actually all a narcissist wants is more power not love
Mine has a complete unawareness of his selfishness. He fully believes he is the greatest of human beings that has been done wrong by life as well as by certain people around him (myself included) and refuses to see it any other way. Try telling someone who thinks so highly of himself that he is just the opposite…. An entitled, selfish and self centered individual.
Absolutely and they are their worst enemy
You are right, Amanda. 💕🪷
They are the most selfish, self centered individuals walking the planet. This video is spot on.
The end of the spectrum goes beyond selfishness. They lack empathy, sympathy, compassion. I have experienced this behavior many times before. It’s beyond explanation. Frankly, I am surprised I wasn’t physically harmed. The worst was at first a cold, blank, empty stare while I was sobbing, shaking, and could barely move. I thought I was going to need an ambulance. They just stood there and made mocking noises and statements.
Nasty people.
Been there. The only words were "you gonna make it?" The worst part was I could feel the undertone of "is it time to replace you?"
You just gave a very accurate description of slavery.
And then they tell you”tomorrow it will be different”. Of course, tomorrow never comes.
@@anneprocopio8519 you’re right. I thought things had changed a year ago. But, no. The same behavior returned within days of having a nice time with family. They even speak differently, holding their face in a new posture. It’s weird to say the least. LOL
The selfishness is hard to comprehend. They just cannot factor in another human being. The one I live with is utterly unable to talk about me. I said once that I didn't think they were able to see me as a person with needs and desires. She said, 'So be it'!
Time to give them all the space they need. No forwarding address.
They only see those who offer them the ego boost and validation they need, and even then it is short lived.
Actually you’re just secondary mother supply since she’s still a child… but not yours!
As Dr says, when your lessened, they're increased, in their mind. It's the backbone of the archetype. Your a mirror that has to show them how great they are, nothing less and nothing else.
@@guitarplayerfactorychannel - well said
It's typical to be like that when you're two years old. As an adult, it's beyond weird.
And that's just it: as persons, they never develop beyond age two.
@@bobtaylor170 Well said.
@@dianes.6814 thank you. Haven't we seen it in the narcs we've had bruising contact with?
Imagine living with a "two year old ' for over 40years!
I’m so glad I found this page. I am the last family member left to deal with an 82 year old narcissist. I am ill-equipped.
I chose to stop playing the game of I-win-you-lose and start taking care of my sanity. I'm better for it. I now channel Gus on the sofa.
Gus has it figured out!
Yes, it is sad. Some people keep benefiting while others get absolutely nothing. I'm the one who's called selfish.
@@MamabearAsh4248 me too, it’s so twisted 🤨😆 it’s best to let them go
The saddest aspect of all this is that there's no way to get through to them and they will continue this disturbed way of thinking and conducting their relationships indefinitely.
My sister is the narcissist but not in my life anymore. Can’t choose your family so I’ve chosen to not engage because I have self love and will not let her hurt me one more time. Gaslighting, bragging, lying, love bombing, manipulating sister bye bye.
My narcissist father got divorced 3 times. He called me 'selfish.' I've never been divorced and don't try to cause other people harm. This projection is narcissist do onto others is delusional.
Delusional is an apt term.
Sad to say, but it becomes burdensome to one's soul to even contemplate why they are selfish.
Think infancy 😉 not your problem anymore!
Hi Dr. C.. There's ole Gus chilling out. As usual.
We on team healthy compensate for our shortcomings by love towards one another sadly narcissist’s compensation is selfishness.
Spot on, Fred!
Agreed 👍
Yes - I’ve lived through that for far too long. On the mend though now… 😅🙏🏼
I’ve watched a lot of these educational videos. I’d like to say you and dr ramani are the best of the best. You’re so accurate and deliver your skills in a balanced way. You’ve both helped me tons through what’s been a very tough time thus far. ( been in no contact for 2 months and I’m undergoing therapy ) thank you soo much and god bless you
Agree 100% absolutely for the 2 "best of the best" 🖐️😃
For me:
🧡 lifesavers 🧡
After them, I would add also others for me "on the podium" , helping me on my recovery path:
Dr Jay Reid
Dr Lindsay Gibson
Dr Rebecca Mandeville
Plus, a "group" of other amazing people > the researchers on trauma and cptsd + the ways to treat it (even if you don't have much financial resources)
@@skybengal I agree with you and lishmah ❣️
@lishmahlishmah Do you have a list of those you mentioned as "Plus, a "group" of other amazing people > the researchers on trauma and cptsd + the ways to treat it (even if you don't have much financial resources)"? Thank you!
@@Dove-gx5gz
Yes, I have it and I'll try to send it to you (in a few hours).
Anyway there are always huge problems with comments including lists of professionals because these posts often disappear. Meaning, most probably the yt system interprets them as spam and delete them.
Actually, I'm still surprised that my previous comment (with names) is visible!!! I'm happy about that and I hope my next message will be visible too. See you later, as soon as I can.
@@Dove-gx5gz
Hey there. I've sent my post with the list , but I can't see it here. I have tried 3 times. Nothing is visible ...
I hope you received it in the youtube notification by email
I read a great quote that said "Selfishness isn't prioritizing your own needs when you need to, it's when you insist that other people prioritize your wants/needs when they may not be in an emotional, physical, or financial place to do so." That really stuck with me because I have family members who talk about how I didn't check in on them or were there for them at I time I was dealing with three very painful deaths in the span of three months.
You’re not their mother but that’s your role 😉
So true!
Absolutely true!! My mom is super upset and constantly guilt tripping me because my dad was diagnosed with terminal leukemia a few months ago, and because I'm in school and also working, I haven't been able to visit as much as I or she would like. She's constantly making comments about how I need to spend time with my dad before he goes, but she doesn't understand that I've got so much going on and I'm already stretched beyond my limits. I've gone to visit them several times this semester, but it's never enough. I've been calling alot more frequently to make up for not being able to go visit as often, but she still takes her digs at me, and it really makes me feel like I'm being a bad daughter. I feel so guilty all the time. I just wish she could put herself in my shoes and really try to understand what I'm going thru in my own life, and how much stress I carry on my shoulders every second of every day. She has a habit of guilt tripping and manipulation to get her way, so I should be used to it by now, but it still hurts😕😕
Yes! I've always experienced it and described it as being when these people prioritize their own convenience, comfort, luxury and petty preferences over my bottom line survival needs - which has often been constant!
@@jennaywar85Don't expect her to change. She's really looking for attention for herself, not your dad.
Love is not love until it is given away - I love that dr Carter ❤ thank you 🙏
Me too ❤
And you give it because you want to, even if you get nothing in return!
@@Spootiful yes 👍🏼😊 but it seems to always come back from others who understand mutuality and reciprocity
When you ask why they love you and they respond "I love you for what you do for me!" you now know why the relationship was never real.
‘You don’t get it do you’, that’s the argument I have within myself with the enablers.
Enablers arent discussed enough. How they reframe things and gaslight you when things are raised with them.
@Stardust475 Exactly!!
Agree!
@@Stardust475yeah minimalize
How true!! I wish I could play this video in court in less than an hour. It fits exactly with his mindset!
Hope it went well 💗
After our breakup I told my ex that I really felt sorry for him. If everything is everyone else’s fault they really have no power to improve any relationships!!
Life is so much better away from that illusion of a relationship…❤🎉
Dysregulation requires a codependent to perpetuate dysfunction
I'M back , gone way to long, notebook is out and taking notes again and everything you described I went through from last Oct till just few weeks ago with a family member. I was a nobody the whole time looking back with 20/20 hindsight . Just good when my wallet was out . Got one big ticket item out of me and then moved out and on from me . Getting stronger each day . Family can do the most harm or greatest good .
Stay strong and stay away from them. Congratulations on breaking free ❤❤❤❤❤
I’m shocked how narcissistic the person I was with is.
They do every item you mentioned. Especially recalling what they did in a favourable light which is not what happened
I love the way Gus never sits on his designated blanket, but on the very expensive looking couch.
Gus steals the show yet again ❤️🩹
Gus is his own man. And I love the little guy!
Lol 😅
I agree.
Just a few times, now and then he uses the blanket.
Some "ancient" videos provide the proof 😂
Sadly, I was raised by a narcissistic mother. I had no idea how to deal w/ her. I was a little girl. I walked on eggs around her. She was extremely critical. I quickly developed an inferiority complex.
She was abusive to me...but to the outside world , our relatives, she was a wonderful person. I saw her dark side. She reserved that for when no one was around.
You are not alone. My narc mom is so selfish, she secretly buried my dad (after I begged to be there) when he died and sent me a video to rub it in. No remorse. She didn't include my siblings either!
@@kellyswanson6934 I'm sorry you experienced that. People who are fortunate to have wonderful parents haven't a clue what it's like to be raised by an abusive parent.
Yes as usual you are so right. I gave until I saw the light bulb go on .As a mother I thought it was my duty to always be there , but got cast aside like a worn out shoe. Thank you Dr C for your guidance .
I too was left in the dust by my 19 yr old daughter after her father and I split. They both have the same traits of selfishness narcism. It's been 8 yrs of no contact even though I only tried with my daughter. And no wedding invite either. I remember her telling me "Dad's trying to be a Dad now" What BS he's filled her head with. I'm sure it was only to inflict pain on me.
Our separation was a nightmare with him, where he financially starved me for 15 months with no alimony after a 26 yr marriage
It’s just so sad for me that I didn’t know about narcissistic behavior back in 2009. I filed for divorce. But was love bombed and was talked into believing my husband and dropped the proceedings. Now my health has been tremendously effected and so many other things going on. He has tried to turn my children, grandchildren and other family members against me , smear campaign. Sometimes I feel totally trapped and I am 70 years old.😢
I've no idea why this channel hasn't yet attracted mass subs. I love this therapist, comforting voice and total insights. It has really helped me so much.
Gus would never treat us poorly. 💕😊
🐶❤️🐶❤️🐶
❤
Gus's presence on the sofa where he is relaxed and happy has a calming effect for me like an anchor for the truth in Dr Carter's words. ⚓
Narcissists absolutely believe, that the more they give, the less they will have. Even children (healthy ones) understand the paradox that when we all give, we all win. Thank you Dr, you are a beacon of truth, Sir. 🔆
Yes, beautifully stated. 🧡
Yes true. I firmly believe my wife thinks she is missing out on when doing things for others.
It's the lies, layers and layers of lies and exaggeration, they have no proof but accuse you. The divorce situation is hell because of this.
I just cannot believe how much my ex husband and my daughter have hurt my life. I mean, crimes, making me fear every day, lying to the Court, smearing my good name, leaving me for dead and to fend for myself…pure evil. And I have these people my whole self. I pray my sadness will one day be less.
“Trapped in their own stupidity”. Bout sums it up. And if you’re around them long enough you end up losing brain cells at a rapid rate.
not only it is sad, it's amazing that they cannot see their true self. but others can. I have had people stop me in stores to tell me how they can see how my XNarcissist truly is. people tell me how sad his truth is, I agree. his brother walked out on him so no family. just party party party all his life. and use anyone he can. and now in his older years, no wife, no kids, no grandchildren. no one.
I just feel like my days consist of sitting in a car park crying or trying to figure out an easy way out , my brain and thoughts are scrambled 😢
Oh God ,try to break free as soon as you can,or you will spend the next years repeating this as you are left so confused by their gaslighting.
Took me years to realise what was happening .
Mine cheated constantly and twisted the truth when questioned (gaslighting) .I promise that life will get better.
Best of luck .Give yourself a big hug and start anew .xxx❤❤❤❤
@ 🫶🏻🫶🏻 I prayed for a resolution last night , early this evening I finally found my voice and confronted him with his cheating , I knew weeks ago I wasn’t enough for him but to have the evidence is painful and to know if I hadn’t have got this anonymous message this hell that I’ve been living in , constantly blamed for his unhappiness would have carried on, 16 years of an illusion , but you are so right and Thankyou so much for your beautiful words they mean so much , happy for you and happy for me ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
I am so thankful for your revealing posts that have helped me keep my sanity thru so much. I realize I'm not everyone though and I'm wondering when people go thru this, are they less likely or more likely to recognize future encounters with these personalities? Is there a percentage that continue to fall for the same hole in the sidewalk again and again? How many of us actually work hard enough to recognize the red flags to step back from falling into the bottomless pit?
It takes a full year of recovery from that trauma bond without dating or addiction but total concentration on overcoming codependency including cognitive dissonance as well as rumination 💔❤️🩹♥️ I’m over a year free & each day helps me feel like narcissism is in the fear view mirror thanx to free help from Dr C 😉 he’s the gold standard on how to thrive after surviving this type of abusive situation
Everything they do is to make a good impression on others. That way if you tell the truth, others will support/defend them and turn against you.😢
Moments of clarity come from talking about the world of narcissistic personalities with Dr. C. Thank you, you help us see the person before us and understand the limitation they live with. ❤
Both my mother and stepfather have narcissistic traits…. All of them when you put the 2 together…. Super 💩y people. Every therapist I’ve been to is surprised I haven’t done more drugs. 😅💁🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️ I’m in my late 40s and have been no contact for a year and a half. Just starting to be able to regulate my anxieties.
Thank you for your videos 💜
Stay away for your sanity .
I could actually scream as I hear this explained and feel like I have lived with this forever. It is so hard to accept. Thanks for the explanations. It is just so hard to believe I never saw my own acceptance of this behavior as abnormal. I am in shock.
I like how you are staying in your lane.. What I mean by that is that you show how Narcissists behave and how they think.. I am having an issue with someone I follow because they aren't staying in their lane.. I might back away from them..
Selfishness is when they will do whatever it takes to get what they want all the time..
Thank you Dr. C. and Team Healthy❤
I wish that by watching all your videos my sister would somehow no longer be my life’s nightmare.
I sure would NIT WANT want to be in their body and be them…saaaaad for sure!
My mouth still hangs open to even think things like this exist even though I’ve been around it all my life.
Thank you Dr. C and look at precious Gus.
From Cynthia Ann in JANESVILLE, WI
And as always thank you for being my Healing Angel Dr.Carter❤
THIS was us 100%! I was the one called selfish.
Thank you Dr C.
All your videos are so very helpful.
This one also is spot on!
Glad you like them!
Done so many video's exactly like this, not meaning to complain, but it just shocks me that these people never learn no matter how many times you try.
He’s not talking to narcs but the many survivors out there! Saving lives every day
He's showing us a map of the Severe Narcissist mine field. Not knowing what they are capable of , can drive non-severe Narcissist crazy lol........🤣
Very cold selfish people, the Narcissists. What's worse, is they are masters as coming across as basically charming at first.
I guess the Pp I knew was bad at that. I never thought charming, but weak and full of it. Others though think him nice, he's utilitarian. Did ai put that right. He exists in a hierarchy of Narcs and enablers and sheep.
One technique to quickly see through fake charm is that when someone is applying it to you respectfully reject it and do not give them back the energy their charm is attempting to evoke. A normal same person would be able to understand why immediate affection may not be readily accepted. Someone with NPD will immediately become sharp when you do not give them what their charm is seeking to evoke. obviously not everyone who responds sharply is a narcissist, but I have found that it is a quick litmus test to give you insight into how genuine their affections are
💘Thank You
You're welcome
This describes my soon to be ex husband completely. Thank you Dr C for helping me move beyond him and to come back to me. I've been lost in this bad marriage fur 12 years.
Thank you Dr. C-hi sweet Gus❤
They don't actually like themselves. That's why they require so much propping up from the outside.
Correct. They harbor hidden self-loathing, which is why they don't want to reveal who they really are.
So true!! "misremember" and alternative facts, all words and zero actions tell you the entire store! Run and don't look back!!!
Rewriting history. Yes.
It’s astounding to watch the show they can put on for other people’s consumption and yet you know, as the spouse that it’s all for show and you are fully expected to play a supporting role to further convince onlookers that the farce is true. To see people fall into that story is disappointing to say the least. And once they’ve fallen for it, they cannot and will not believe anything other than that unless they become the target of the narcissist for some reason. The motive of the empty narcissist seems to be to entrap an empath and then draw the life completely out of them and then discard them once they can “prove” to their flying monkeys that the person was trash to begin with. Somehow in their twisted minds, putting someone else down in any way makes them higher on the virtue-scale and that seems to be how they think the rest of the world works as well. I’ve described them as a tiny person hiding in a deep, dark cave, deathly afraid that someone might see them. I made that description within a week of meeting someone and it becomes more clear every day. The harder you try to “help” that frightened person, the worse it becomes. And it’s also a moving target. I’ve determined that there’s no point in trying to make it better because they’ll resist that with their last breath. Therapy for them is dangerous. It’s like a training course in how to hone their already sharp skills. Satan clearly is in control of them and they’d have it no other way. And many of them hide behind virtue like religion to make themselves more credible. The interesting thing is that psychopaths devour narcissists because the psychopaths can lie without conscience while the narcissist demands lies because they’re so desperate to hear what they want to hear, regardless of knowing the truth. But unfortunately empaths are the staple diet of narcissists.
Everything they do is self serving. They will never do anything selfless out of the goodness of the heart.
It's so healing to me to hear this reality. Especially this part - They have this unbending need to appear invincible. "I've got to be strong and I'm going to be strong by being invincible. Nobody gets through to me and I'm proud of it." It really helps me see the cold stare for what it is.
Wonderful video. Thank you
Glad you enjoyed it!
My mother iss a narcissistic very selfish and cruel I am in therapy to help but she is a monster of evil she is in her nineties as a only child I care for her but it so hard manage I fall into despair I needed to vent that to you and thank for a huge analysis to this disorder I sometimes felt like loosing but your information is like manna for me I am sad I am severely ill and possibly fatal the abuse never ends thank you so much may God bless the other that have reached out that c experienced this abuse may God give you back your strength to survive my being reign upon you you are able in faith and endurance to this pain. May joy enlighten this cycle. I WISH YOU ALL
Could you do a video on surviving the holidays when narcissistic mother in law come to dinner?
The onus is on your husband to deal with his mother.
@@kimberlysmith7625 Well they're usually clueless about it plus mils are usually covert narcs so it's not as obvious.
Unapologetically call her out on her endless BS until she leaves. It works and she will walk to the furthest corner of the earth to avoid you if you do it enough times.
Matt merchant
I'm so sorry. I will pray for her downfall.....
Don't have her over
They do lots of helping/stuff to look good so they can turn round when you express a feeling or a need, to call you selfish. Whilst simultaneously expecting you to be a mind reader of their feelings and needs.
Well, Dr. C., you've done it again -- you've given me words to explain what I've been experiencing in my 10 year relationship with a narc. The whole "I've given up on the idea of goodness" so they're just out for self is really, really accurate. I've always struggled to understand the underhandedness and conniving, deceitful nature of narcissism...but if you don't believe there is any good in the world, why would a person do anything else except be terminally selfish?! This makes so much sense (sadly). Thanks again for such great content, Dr. Carter!
You're quite welcome.
I spoke to a Counsler today. Her opinion it could be dementia. I just don't know the change in this person is devastating. I want you happy then a minute later I'm called names and ungrateful.
Has it become steadily more apparent? This is when it gets tough, when mixed with doubt.
In my experience narcissists are pretty consistent in their abusive tendencies. If someone you know has changed a great deal and doesn't seem of sound mind then it could be an illness like dementia for sure.
@joanna0988 or a traumatic brain injury. Mine has had 2 and my therapist says it could be and mentioned dementia.
Although outward behavior changed much after the first injury I can now look back and see tendencies. Tendencies mean something but if resisted that is to be seen.
What does the therapist suggest? I really wish there was more on this.
Can be hard to tell the difference. Question is how much should you tolerate.
@jeankipper6954 That's true. I don't have that answer. I watched Terri Cole talk to a doctor in her summit. He studied brain scans of people with tbi's.
He talked about one case where the woman left her spouse before she knew what it was and had terrible regret.
Thank you thank you thank you so much Dr Carter you don't know how much you have really helped me see through all of the absurdities of this person that I have been married to all of these years
You are quite welcome.
Yes. Very therapeutic and very helpful. Thank you so much. God bless you.
It is about altruism, isn't it? A tendency to care about another without any gain.
My father had another mini stroke. He lost more recall and after hours was definitely at a deficit.
What I saw though after the initial confusion was a man who looked around at strangers and had concern for them. It was beautiful.
Thank you
You have no idea what you’re doing for me right now. I hope this message finds you Dr C
Your message found me, and I'm encouraged on your behalf. Best wishes, Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism thank you 🙏
It is funny that it took me 20 years to realize the selfishness of my ex-husband. The funny thing is he accused me of being selfish anytime he felt like it. But I noticed that in the smallest thing all the time. He always did what he wanted and not caring about what I wanted. If I wanted to sleep with an open window, that was a No. If I had a fan running and he entered the room he turned it off even if he wasn’t gonna stay in the room. If I told my daughter to please turn on the fan he immediately said No. On one occasion I looked down to my phone and he used that very moment to turn off the TV and when I asked him why, he said: you weren’t watching it. I called him out and told him: does he realize his needs always came first by default. When we had filed for divorce he stayed in the master bedroom while I shared a small room with my daughter. Anyway, it is good to become aware of this so we can form some boundaries and stand up for ourselves. Otherwise we’re like frogs burning up in slowly heated water not realizing the control suffocating us over time.
I’m 70 and only learning in the last few weeks all about narcissists and gaslighting.
Didn’t know what these words meant before now.
Now everything to do with my life with him falls into place.
He made decisions that cost us financially over the years and always blamed someone else.
He has lied and cheated throughout our marriage . Unfortunately as I move to end this marriage our adult sons blame
me for any problems we had. They are barely talking to me and I’m a broken woman.
At the moment we have to stay in the same house until it’s sold and he walks around as if nothing is going on .
I’m fuming one minute at his behaviour and the next I’m panicking and dry reaching into the sink.
They are pure evil .
When one does not accept their own shortcomings, hilarity ensues.
It's not funny to the bystanders
No, that's when ptsd ensues!
Only if you can be neutral towards them. If you are the butt of their behavior, not at all.
Thank-you, Dr. Carter. This podcast has helped me a lot, too.
Glad it was helpful!
Thank you for your work. It’s truly life-saving.
These videos have helped me understand my relationship with my father and the way he acts towards me and the pain these interactions have caused. Thanks!!
So pleased for you!!
Hi Dr. C.
This describes a lot of my wife. She always seems put out to do things for others. And when she does do something for others it is often accompanied by verbal complaints.
To quote Aqua Teen: "We forgot all about your needs, we were too busy fulfilling our own."
That is an accurate depiction!
This is exactly true of my husband
Kathy. We need therapy. My husband too.
Yep, revisionist history : once in an argument about twenty years ago my wife started attacking me physically, all I did was to grab and hold her right hand till she calmed down. 15 years later it has changed to I attacked her ! She did reverse reality the same way to one of our kids too.
" meaness" 💯 percent correct. Self care 💯 percent ❤
My narc hates that I can be content even if things aren't great. I can find a silver lining. He is always unhappy to me about his life that he's made all the decisions for. Insane
Your videos are very helpful 🙏🏼👌
Hr Dr Carter,
You are my mentor.
Lots of Love from Paris
Yes they're experts at SELF care! 😂
And he’s always talking about how he has no friends. I want to say everything you said in this video, but I don’t, I won’t, I Can’t! 😅
They can complain but it doesn't occur to them to make the necessary adjustments!!
When my sons and I are in a room talking and my husband comes in, they start to saunter out of the room! 😂 I asked him once, "Why do you think they do that?" He said , "I never really thought about it." 😮
They will rarely have any real friends once the " friends" realize their true nature.
@@MarianneCatherine😮😒 Lies🤥
Thank you! That's a good point. I actually just thought that he was dense and oblivious! More food for thought! 🤔😊🙄
Its never enough
I'm out of a narcissistic relationship 8 yrs now. My ex narcissistic husband is now moving his narcissistic mother in with him. I wonder how this could ever work. I do think they deserve each other.
Narc: When I tell you how to solve your problem, I'm showing you my love.
Showing you who’s in control 😉
10:37 You also want to be careful with that aspect, because narcs will be more than happy to try and exploit that and tell you how you need to help others so as to do it "right. A selfishness that knows no bounds...
Is there any helpful way to encourage a stranger who is angry and demolishing their cowed child in public? I find it incredibly distressing. I want to let them know that they can learn how to manage their anger and regulate their emotions. But what can I say that doesn’t come across as interfering and judgmental? Poor children 😥 I feel as though I’m neglecting the child when I say nothing.
I feel the same way. However you must remember that anything you say may very possibly result in even more abuse to the child because they will blame the child afterward. Please don't risk it. Look for another way. Even if you report to child services anonymously, the child is still in danger.
I have done just that, only to have the offending parent move a few miles away (10 miles) to another state to escape jurisdiction. This person was a prison guard. Things only got worse. 😢
@ oh how dreadful
THANK YOU DOCTOR!!!