When people say nice things to us, we normally say “Thank you”. When people make rude comments, I say very calmly, “ No, thank you. I didn’t deserve that”. That normally ends it there.
Im certain if I was to say “did you mean that to be offensive?” After she just had a dig( narc co worker) she would say, Oh you’re just reading into it ….. with a snide emphasis on my name🙄can’t rationalise with this type imo, will try the 4 sec silent though
Unfortunately, I have to deal with an extremely rude and narcissistic person on a regular basis. Every time I tried to challenge her, it came across as defensive she knew it got to me. One day, she made one of her nasty comments and tried correcting me on a minor point in front of everyone. I ignored her, and at first, nothing happened....until she repeated herself. The more she repeated herself and was met with silence the more foolish and petty she looked in front of everyone else. I'm a new subscriber.and this is a great channel 😃
The narc is looking for a rise from you. Don’t give them one. There lies your power. Do not allow other people to control you. Once they don’t get their hit of dopamine they’ll give up.
My favorite response is to quietly ask them "what would motivate you to say that"? This accomplishes three things. It lets them know you are not taking the bait, it instantly turns the spotlight on them, and it exposes their rude behavior for exactly what it is.
@@LaoSoftware That sounds like a tricky situation. Perhaps you speak very directly and your co-workers are not accustomed to that? If it were me, I would say, "I did not mean to be rude." And then I would ask what made my comment seem rude. Perhaps you can learn from each other what would be more comfortable ways to communicate.
@@LaoSoftware apologize to them. You may not mean to be rude, but if more than one is telling you that you are, then you're coming across that way. "I'm sorry. I've communicated poorly. I didn't mean to be rude. What was it and what I said/did that made you feel that way. I want to know so I can communicate better.
A guy on the bus said to me, "I heard that you're a little crazy." I said, " It's better than being stupid." Everybody laughed. He was very polite, after that.
Absolutely, I don't think the advice of this video works in every situation. For some dynamics it's important to show up for yourself instead of letting them go with it.
Agree 100%, sometimes you just really need to shut that shit down. So they think twice about being rude to you in the future. But…. Also depends on who you’re dealing with.
Jefferson, I am a caregiver to my husband who ia a narcissist and had a stroke. I hope that sets the scene. He shot off a mean comment to me today and I remembered your suggestion of 'Was that meant to hurt me?' I walked over to him, looked right at him for a moment and then asked the question. He didn't respond. I asked again if his comment was meant to hurt me. He quietly said, 'No, I'm sorry'. WHAT A BREAKTHROUGH! Thanks!
Your narc husband doesn't have a leg to stand on and he still dares to try and disrespect the one person who is taking care of him after a stroke. Typical narc behavior. Good on you for standing up to him. YOU GO GIRL!!!!
He knows he's at your mercy now. The tables have turned. Karma. It's still a good deal for him because your moral compass is in tact. So, you won't treat him the way he would have treated you if he had become your caretaker. Please remember to take good care of yourself. Your recent interaction with him is a good start. ❤
A sister-in-law sent a group text with a link adding that I might be offended so I might not want to read it. I paused, channeled Jefferson, hopefully, and replied to all “why would you send something you think is offensive?”
I once had a man make a very abusive and accusatory comment directed at me in front of my friends. My response to him was can you repeat that? With everyone looking at him to say it again, It shut him up right away.
@@Martyn_Wolfyou’re right. The other phrase like that is “what do you mean by that?” Most will be flustered, but the chronically rude can take it as an invitation to make more rude remarks. That’s why I like the suggestion to ask “Did you mean to…” because it goes straight to the chase, signaling you’re not playing that game, without being rude in return.
While I do not agree that it is a sign of weakness if one continues in the conversation and tries to overlook or ignore. The best part is this person has quickly displayed they are the weak one. Gracefully excusing yourself from the room (if possible) or becoming silent has become a very strong message to send.
I usually just stare at them, then tilt my head to one side a bit, while kind of squinting my eyes. People can’t stand silence, and they don’t like when you don’t answer them if they’re expecting a response. Staying silent actually puts the obligation of speaking back on them, and they will feel compelled to say something more…. which usually embarrasses them. They don’t know what to say since they’re not getting the intended response.
I actually did that several times in this life .. I've never seen most of those guys again 😊. The latest instance was with an old guy who badmouthed my cars. I responded again with silence. In the following weeks I met him a couple of times but never said hi to him ever since ...
I enjoy asking people to repeat the rude comment as if I missed it. And when they do, I kindly ask them to repeat themselves again. Most people do not enjoy repeating themselves and every single individual I've tried it on became even more agitated. The rude comment/joke loses its power the more times repeated.
@@ejnix7874 the idea started from losing most of my hearing from my previous career. After, I went into the corporate world where I met lots of rude partners that I could not genuinely hear on a daily basis. And thats when it dawned on me that it also works for petty comments. I intended to use my hearing disability as a lighthearted joke to defuse the situations, some laugh, but most people take it too seriously.
There's a comedy I watch called Corporate. On one episode 2 characters conversation went something like "I'm not really an assertive person. But I also don't like the idea of being pushed around. I wish there was a way to respond that's not too passive and not too aggressive. " Lol
My person would then say, Are YOU ok?! I’ve even tried it coming from a concerned gentle tone and it still gets the same response. This is just poking the bear and agitating the ego. Do not respond to attacking statements or tone. They might say, ok nice talking with you! Let them go. They must learn on their own what is not loving and gets no response from you. There is no reasoning with this type of person unless it’s a child you are parenting.
This is a favorite line my sister & I use. It works beautifully under all sorts of circumstances. Shuts some snarky, rude people up right then & there.
Could you make a video about standing up for yourself to your boss, or someone of higher ranking, at work? The battle between assertiveness and fear of getting fired is real!
This is a tricky one, depending on what was said by the boss most know better but if he/she is above you the only thing to do is silence again as when you are on the lower position saying nothing makes them wonder if they went too far. Standing up for yourself doesn't always work best leave it alone unless you are 100% certain.
Being a Chinese and a 18F helping out in a bar during the bar tender's lunch break. A young man 24 to 27 White, came into bar and order draft beer... he thank me, looking at me after drinking half of his beer. Usually customers would walk to the pool table after they get their drink, but this guy just stay at the bar counter making the usual small talk on how is your day and there was pause... while staring at me for a couple of minutes, he said "do you know that asian faces look great from the front but your side profile looks kinda flat. Please dont take this the wrong way, its just a fact after observing people"... I was comtemplating over his comment and he had that look on his face...sort of waiting vor me to respond. I have some background in art and loves drawing portraits... in my mind I do agree with his comment... but xomehow I sense his is sort of challenging me to reply. Then I first thanked him for his comment and agreed with him, he was smirking thinking that was the best I could do... I said " do you know that western faces have beautiful aquiline features from the side, but from the front the face is kinda long..." and my gaze was slowly directing him towards a photo of a horse... Touche!
The faces u described, 🐴, usually apply to white european westerners. But what's funny about that is a lot of Asian culture believe European features are the epitome of beauty
I needed to hear this. Only wish I had these tools before when I had to deal with a tricky narcissist who constantly threw little digs at me to belittle me, especially in public. Thankfully I did the only thing I could to survive her abuse and that was to walk away from the friendship. The best decision I ever made!
I think I faired alright with one of my most recent customers but this would’ve been better I think. He complained about how this was the slowest he’s ever gotten a coffee. To one of the girls I work with. I looked at him dead in his eyes and said loudly “this guy is acting like he never waited a day in his life” that shut him up and probably embarrassed him in front of his wife but I probably got lucky because I technically escalated it. Did you mean to sound rude might have sounded better
This is what I say. When I say this, I make solid eye contact. I use a very stern voice. I lean in. I say "You are VERY RUDE"!!! Then I turn around and walk away. That's it. It's very simple. It took me a long time to get to this point. I allowed people to make very insulting and hurtful comments to me for many years. I am about to turn 60. The buck stops here. I am going hard now. NO QUARTER!!!!! Update: (two weeks later) I am writing this update regarding my first comment above. I can see that I have received several "likes" and also some replies. I would like to clarify something and address those of you who replied things to the effect of "you might be overly sensitive" "don't make anyone feel bad" or "it's rude to tell someone that they are being rude, that makes you rude as well" and lastly "you can say this in a calm and polite way". There is nothing POLITE about the way I defend myself. That would defeat the whole purpose. When I say to someone "you are very rude" I say it in the most assertive, dominant and vicious way I can possibly muster and I have fire in my eyes when I make solid eye contact. My goal is not to be nice. Can you all understand this? Because if you cannot, that tells me that you have never been a victim of narcissistic abuse. Nice and civil does not work with these people. Their goal is to devalue you. They are sadistic and their cruelty is beyond measure. They will carefully choose the most potent insult, combined with a hostile tone and facial expression that is designed to let you know how much you disgust them. Have you ever had this happen to you, my dear readers? I hope not. It is an experience you will never forget. So yes, I learned the hard way and I learned much too late in life. Yet, at least I finally learned that if someone directly insults me now ON PURPOSE in an attempt to devalue me, they will be met with the most angry, hostile, vicious response that I can possibly conjure up. Don't tell me to be "polite". My goal will be shock and awe. My goal is to match their SAME ENERGY and go beyond. My goal is to shame them for their disrespect and make sure they are terrified to ever cross me again. This is how I defend myself from now on. This is the new and improved me.
You have to consider your perception could be skewed due to putting up with hurtful comments for a long time, you may be overly sensitive to them and call someone Very Rude when they are not, making them feel bad. Never good to make another individual feel bad, I think there are smarter ways of replying that leave the other individual feeling neutral. An eye for an eye is old news, as we all endeavour to change all negative situations into happy positive ones to uplift everyone.
See but I reacting u give away more power .they want you to get upset .so better to leave without saying anything it's hits them later ..... .the narc will always go there
@@mac-ju5ot you know the type, that enjoys drama so shut them down so they Never choose you again, Narcs and Psychopaths, hit them with truth and they hate it, don't argue make your short statement and they will choose someone else because your high vibe energy is too much for them, they are pissed off that they can never upset you, they don't understand why you are so happy all of the time and can always put them in their place.
@@FrancesArnott-f8l My perception is not skewed at all. When I say this to someone it is only because they have BLANTANTLY disrespected me. No. I am not "too sensitive". I have someone that I deal with who is a literal bully and everything they say is deliberate and designed to devalue me on purpose. I am not seeking to leave this individual "feeling neutral". I am seeking to put a total stop to the abuse, once and for all.
@@mac-ju5ot I have to dissagree. I tried your method and got slaughtered. My new and improved method works great for me. I am very direct and put a stop to it immediately.
My son had some bully come to him and he commented that he had an ugly hair during lunch. He said, “well you just have to deal with it”. I was such a proud mama
I once had some short guy at work try to bring me down in front of a group because I was sitting higher up in the platform than everyone else because it’s comfortable as I’m very tall. He said “look at you sitting up there trying to be above everyone else”. I burst out laughing and replied “well what do you expect? I am a queen! Would you like to kiss my royal boots?” as put my leg out towards him and flipped my hair. He went bright red and never tried to embarrass me again. The rest of the room laughed at him and me.
Yes, if he had meant it in a jokey way, he would have played along with you and maybe pretended to kiss your boots. The fact he didn't and got embarrassed suggests he was just trying to humiliate you. What is wrong with people?
I once said “did you mean say that? It sounds rude.” And the response I got back was a deflected one, “It’s just a comment, you’re just being over sensitive - again”. Woah. Total narcissism.
@@00calimon i wouldn't do this in the workplace, but I once asked my mother "if you believe I'm sensitive, why do you keep being insensitive?". Not that she had any kind of epiphany!! She started giving me silent treatments when I got better at reacting to the insults. So I gave up. Now she the victim of my "abuse".
After years of snarky comments from my husband’s ex wife (only had to see her a few times a year) and me being silent, I finally had enough when she made a passive aggressive comment to her husband about my grandson. So the next time I saw him (she was standing right there) I made sure to let him know a comment was said (and looked right at her) was inappropriate and I wanted him to know it was. She FINALLY got the hint and stopped her snarky comments. I was silent for too long keeping the peace.
This came up in my feed today and I really needed to hear this TODAY! I was called “stupid” today on FB because I just expressed what an opinion that this lady ask for from people. What I said was not stupid it was just my opinion. It completely amazes me how people will band together in conversations when they don’t know you at all and even call you names. The names don’t bother me because I am way more mature than that but it’s disturbing how people treat each other. There is no respect. I love the phrase “are you going to play the game” I am definitely backing off of social media because of all the RUDE people that are mean. I don’t need that in my life!
I was a training and development manager for a company of 23,000 employees for over 10 years. I can confidently say that 80-90% of all training offered, primarily focused on something regarding communication. Much thanks for carrying the torch of possibility throughout your messages!
“Nice of you to finally show up.” I have followed by a simple, “Thanks for waiting for me.” It’s quite disarming to thank someone and then they tend to look bad if they still press the issue. Great video, thank you. Greetings from NYC (the capital of rude haha). Cheers!
@es8117 thanks for your comment. It would be. That’s not what the video nor I was talking about. I was pointing out that often times changing an “I’m sorry” to a “Thank you” can diffuse certain situations. It’s just an example. Cheers!
@@notw333 thank you replying. Being consistently late is rude and no one is disputing that. I was literally taking an example, verbatim, from his video. Perhaps i should re-word it. “It’s nice of you to finally show up” and one answers, “Thanks for waiting for me. “ Let’s say, for example, you’re 1 minute late? Or any number of things that you can’t control. The point of the video was to learn to handle the person making the comment to you. It’s a polite way to respond to their rude comment, even if you are the one who made a mistake and was late. Cheers 😀
I’ve enjoyed your shorts and now I really like these longer, deeper explanations. I’m going to start a “Jefferson Journal,” and take notes as I listen because that’ll help me to remember the phrases and make it easier in the moment to respond. Thank you so much for this amazing content- it is exactly what I need to help me grow in being authentic and assertive in my communication.
I love that 4 second "perplexed" look, digesting and then say nothing. I think I have been doing this already and will continue using. And the two other responses are helpful too, because sometimes rude people won't stop until they get a response. Thank you for this!
I came up with the following response years ago. You stop, look them in the eye, and ask them "Do you treat everyone like that ?" Consider what it means if they say Yes, No, or stay silent.
Something that helps me maintain my cool is remembering that not everybody was raised with the same values and manners, it might look rude to you but to them this is normal behavior, this video was great advice handling those types of people
I think about how ppl lack manners all the time. You know, my parents never really taught them. At least in the American way. They were so inactive with everything school related that even in elementary I didn't even feel hopeful or assured in myself enough to ask them to go. Sports, dances, open houses, my graduations. Wever it was. Like not even a 1/4 of the time they'd show up. I either got punished or they just popped up to be unsupportive & not even emotionally attentive. It was maybe an entire 3 times, I felt like my dad was being an actual dad. He surprised me for my 5th b'day at school & graduation. But hs graduation he couldn't be bothered w/ his daily day about my few to even graduate, 1st generation . My mom would've murdered me if she could've got away w/ it just for going to dances. If there was ever a daughter daddy dance, I don't remember any of it bc I sure ash didn't go. Anyways, I remember saying hey? At this 1 white lady at sea world (after getting lost...) & my beer smelling dad was all u don't address them like that! But not in English. In Lao. & Only in the aftermath. They def didn't teach this not in public...& My kid head in between worlds was like ? 🤔, I mean in English, what doofus? Freaking what then, Spazz? So I'm pretty sure I head to learn everything outside that bubble. & I got hated on for that bubble &,,, I'm saying. My parents didn't teach me any real American manners. I had to pick up on them. So, no. It's def not all in the way ppl were raised. I wasn't even around most of my lao elders either bc just bc. They're All fn weird
The best response to rude comments I have ever found is to remain perfectly calm, then say, “( their name), I really don’t care.” This works especially well on narcissists because if you don’t care, in their minds they are facing extinction.
Know your worth. Stand up to Abusers! Also, just give them a Silent, Cold, Stare, and Say Nothing. Walk Away. They will feel Unimportant, which they Are. I guarantee you that will make an impression on them!
I knew of a young woman that was continually called 'horse face' by a much older man. He owned a dude ranch whose meandering trails - the majority of which were NOT on his property, but were on conservation land - she used to use to ride her own horse. Seems whenever he saw her he called her 'horse face' - even though she was far from that. One day he made the mistake of calling her 'horse face' in front of a group of people. She'd finally had enough, and just turned to him and said "Better the horse's face than the OTHER end, which is what YOU look like, George !" BOOM - the group erupted in laughter. He never called her 'horse face' again.
As part of my job, I have conversations with multiple conversations with new people everyday. The vast majority of these conversations are cordial and easy, but the occasional outliers can get very tense and confrontational. Listening to you for the last year has helped so much in those conversations. I have gotten much better at calming the conversations and that has made for noticeably better outcomes for everyone involved. Thank You
It can, also, be cowardly and/or passive - aggressive. Responding kindly and with clear moderation, as he suggests, is not only a major flex of character and confidence, it also invites them into a better place with dignity.
My supervisor is rude , abusive, and disrespectful. But he only messes with the quiet people. And never disrespectful to strong males who he know will not put up with it.
I had a toxic boss who was just awful to everyone, but especially to really vulnerable people. She took a toll on my mental health, but I wouldn't back down when she came after me. Standing up for myself didn't really help the situation, but at least I felt better about myself for not allowing her to bully me. I've always believed that if you let someone bully you then you make it easier for them to bully others. It's kind of a responsibility to stand up for yourself
This is how most of the Mexicans get treated at my job by white Superiors. And they just take it. Thats one reason they're hired. Docility is what some look for. Learn how to speak up for yourself
As a dark skinned black woman in America, NO ONE has been insulted more than me. My own people and all the other races too have taken a shot at me and got sent packing. Just look the person in the eye and say "Do we have a problem?" , " Do you have an issue with me?" I can almost guarantee, they will automatically back track and apologize. Works well with fascists, racists, narcissist, manipulators, etc. This gave me a idea. I should write a book on how to be insulted and win.... Although I do feel some resentment, I love everyone. Even though people constantly try to get me down and into self hatred. It's just jealousy honestly. Sometimes, a rude comment is the highest, most affirming compliment you can receive. Obviously, you're important.
Jefferson, you are changing the world with this Podcast! Thank you for the time and energy you put into these videos. I am a (recovering) people pleaser with 2 very difficult members in my immediate family. Your training is helping me stand up in a kind yet strong way.
In my younger days, whenever a man bothered me on the subway and I rebuffed him, he would usually say, "You're not very friendly, are you?" To which I would reply, "Nope." That would generally leave him with nothing else to say, but sometimes others would call me some disgusting name, to which I would reply, "You got that right." Always worked.
@@conniegoman5673 If you feel superior, why do you sound so bitter? ... actually, I think that any offense including racial comments are meant to provoke you so they can add more insults like you are aggressive, etc. I'm a woman so I have received many nasty comments from perfect strangers and others who were not but I think those who worked better were kind of... if they said something mean to make me feel guilty and fawn or people pleasing, l admit they are right and that's why they should avoid me. Especially if there are people around. I make clear that I don't want to engage to them in any ways and people will see that if the same person approach me again, it's not me the one looking for it and that I'm being harassed. I had to put up with lots of bs because I'm Spanish so, any narcissist who wants to sound funny would use it to mock me and if I get trigger, what they are looking for, they will say I don't have a sense of humor or I'm too sensitive. Ignoring them works best but I understand sometimes we have to speak up. Saying I couldn't care less about your opinion in a calm way is effective. Of course, you have to value the situation because sick people get offended just because you didn't look at them or you did, they are just looking for a excuse and can get aggressive. No matter what, don't take it personal because they are projecting their bs onto you. Knowing that gives you an advantage; not being affected no matter what they say. Someone's opinion doesn't define you and rejection is God's protection.
@@conniegoman5673 It's the same thing whether it's sexist, racist, homophobic, or just plain rude: I just say, "Yup. Uh-huh," or "That I am!" What can they say to that? I'm of mixed race, so I get those comments from people who think I'm Spanish or Puerto Rican. When Christian missionaries tried to convert Buddhists, the Buddhists would say, "Of course Jesus is God. We're all God." The missionaries were perplexed and ultimately unsuccessful in converting them because the Buddhists seemed to on the same page.
@@conniegoman5673 There's nothing you can say to someone like that, that'll have any impact. Don't waste your breathe on them. They always turn it back on you again, because they are superior. (Superior in their own minds, that is.)
My response with a smile "Have A Bless Day" because I know they are miserable, due to their rude response. I am living my best life every day unbothered so keep I keep it moving.
I generally have a hard time explaining the world to my teens. They are too young for the real world and too "old" to take mom's advice. Thanks to you, all I do now is- I have just the right video for that. And the best part is my teens listen to your advice. For example- my boys faced a very rude comment about what they eat from a fellow teammate/ "friend"- I just showed this video, and they are pretty clear how to handle the situation today. Thank you! Thankyou! Thank you!!!
I do love that your advice moves the focus from the Rude comment and how it effects you and more to how to respond where you respond in a way that makes you feel stronger and more confident. This will also avoid that same situation in the future.
@@Jane-Doe.1126that’s called “gaslighting”. When you look into the who and why of gaslighting, you may learn how to respond how you want to versus react infuriated.
My grandmother told me, ' Consider the source from which it comes. Silence is Golden." A look means everything. Women are jealous of me. I do not care. They are miserable with themselves, and misery loves company. I will never lower myself, to there pool of quicksand, and try to pull you in. Action speaks louder than words. I will not waste my oxygen on miserable , depressed , toxic people. I am too happy, to have these folks in my aura. Poker Face.
Don’t ignore it. The person needs to be told that their behavior is inappropriate. “Yer rude and disrespectful.” Then ignore them and walk away. You don’t have to be the target of their displaced anger.🎉🎉🎉
Ohh, hows about, "If you are looking for a target for your misplaced anger, your tactics won't work on me, therefore, I suggest you go and find yourself another target. Better yet, you and get some therapy for your anger management issues."
This is just what I needed. I made the terrible mistake of responding aggressively while being caught up in my emotions. I went through this with a verbally aggressive family member and a few other negative comments from a couple of negative people I encountered in the past. Now when I get ridiculous comments, I prefer to remain silent and look at them
Give all comments to God and try to spend more time with like-minded positive individuals who will bring out the best in you, sorry your family acted in that way toward you
Keep this necessary topic up please. 🙏🏼. My life is dogged by rudeness I'm polite but not weak, I guess any reaction is better than nothing to these people, pure evil.
I work nights. So my livliness is usually lacking when I go grocery shopping/etc....I can not handle when people tell me I look tired. If i look tired I probably feel tired, i dont need a reminder. I just say, THANK YOU. All i have done this too, come to their own realization that Telling someone they look tired is rude. I dont say it snarky or rude back. That silence trick works. I use it ALL the time. Not worth my time to respond too.
I’m dealing with a really challenging person who when I say things in response to their cutting passive aggressive pot shots such as “did you mean to embarrass me? “ they respond with phrases like “ you embarrass yourself”, or “take it how you want” or “look, I’m not doing this with you!”. It seems silence is my only option. Also if I say it seems like …. They answer with “don’t pre judge me” it’s literally exhausting.
That *is* exhausting. I'm sorry that your efforts so far haven't eased the situation. That said, it sounds to me like you've made some potential progress with "did you mean..." style questions. I'd like to offer some ways of potentially extending that progress. First suggestion: play like a "broken record." Repeat your question until it elicits an actual response to the question, or until it silences the person because they don't want to respond politely. For example: You: Did you mean to embarrass me? Them: You embarrass yourself. You: Did you intend for your comment to embarrass me? Them: Take it however you want. You: Was it your intention to embarrass me? The response "I'm not doing this with you" acknowledges your curiosity about their motives. Does this end the exchange? If so, then that seems like a reasonable result! If not, then I'd follow that up with something like "if you don't want me to understand what you mean, then don't make the comment." Either way looks like success
@@a.l.m3059 wow thank you I will try this, I usually just give up because I don’t want to push situations or upset them but I’ve come to realise that I need to do more work on myself to not just have the confidence but the tools to deliver my messages more confidentially without just giving up and then feeling railroaded. Thank you this is very helpful.
Love it! I'm quiet, which makes people uncomfortable so some can make rude comments about it. One woman said something twice - she's nasty to everyone - but it always takes me by surprise. Now I know what to say!
I love the 'did you mean' response - seeing the person's face when I repeat it back to them has been enough for them to apologize and correct their statement 😂 I even use it in other conversations that start escalating toward arguments - it shows the person how I've interpreted what they are saying and it shows that I'm going through the effort of trying to understand their point! Love this! Use it all the time!
I love all the things you teach us. Again, I have to listen to them more than once to make it stick, but you make it easy to listen to more than once. Thank you
❤Thank you Jefferson! This is so welcome even in my 60’s. I was never a game player, too ‘sensitive’, hence too many years of ‘feeling’ offended. Such a waste of emotions! You are so clear! I have been coming around to this awareness that you have explained so clearly - heard, listened to, evaluated and concluded. It has meant some hard decisions on my part to deal with chronically rude friends but I feel better for it. Time, feelings, relationships are so critical. It’s good to embrace clarity!!!!!
I actually find compliments harder to respond to than rude comments. I just laugh at people when they're rude to me because I genuinely don't give a shit. But when someone compliments me, it often feels like fake flattery and they're trying to manipulate me or get something from me.
Often the compliment is not sincere, and you can pick up on that. If you've been devalued in a close relationship, it sets you up to be skeptical of any compliment. I agree with @marge3477, just say thank you, and it will get easier. Peace
Not accepting a compliment makes you appear evil and here’s how that happens: As your evaluate the fake flattery you’ll show sings of being sinister and scheming too everyone who can see and read your subtle reactions. I said fake flattery because that’s your belief. Who am I to disagree with such a distrusting person? He’s the best way to upgrade yourself. Every person you meet, find a true thing about them, that’s good or cool, and simply mention it as something you admire. Only pick true things. In general most people will take it as a treat or like petting a kind animal. It’s a feel good small moment. A social lubricant. By only picking true complements you’ll start to see how evil people look when they think you’re lying or messing with you. You can literally see who’s paranoid in seconds upon meeting. I never set out for that knowledge, I set out to make friends in life, but when you’re good to others Ave or strangers you really will discover so much about others by being sincere to them. Only chose sincere commitments of goodness to others. Oh cool shoes I like how you said that awesome comment Your hair looks great so nice Your education level is excellent I always admire the learnings of engineers As long as your compliment is honestly sincere and good, then you’re good to deliver it. What the responses. It’s fascinating the kindness back but also some peoples dirty faces, like yours. Your face is dirty cus you BELIEVE all others are scheming on you. So the clean remedy is to give love in small easy social way. It will cleanse your doubt of others in a fair way. Leaving you NOT naive nor sinister expecting. Ps here’s my complement to you. You are very self aware for realizing you hold doubt to all thereby making it easy to share with you a tip you can apply on your own and in a safe way. IDE have nothing to say if it were not for your high quality self honesty, which the world needs more of. Strong of you 💪. See? That’s real. No lie in there. But you’re the judge… not I.
OMG!! I thought I was the only person like that. I feel exactly the same about both behaviors. I rarely ever get angry at rudeness. I always turn it into a joke. I've disarmed numerous arguments that way and usually get a laugh out of the person that was so pissed off in about 10 seconds.
I wish I had come across your channel sooner. I used to work with the rudest human I’ve ever seen. She was rude to almost everyone every single day. Your technique would have worked perfectly on her. I’ve subscribed to your channel in order to learn more. I love the way you explain how to use the techniques. So simple, yet so effective.
0:35 "Did you mean for that to be *adjective*.." 0:45 passive aggressive "Did I offend you..?" **Check them 1:15 Silence 1:25 these are tests 1:55 &&Dont escalate worsts 3:00 rude comments, 3:22 Do I respond or not? 3:40 ppl make indirect diggs on you 4:09 "Did you mean..?" 5:00 **Call em out 4:35 What is their intent? 5:35 Dismissive texts. K "Did you mean for that to be short? 6:35 passive aggressive, 7:10 "It seems/sounds like there's more to that.." 7:30 **Respond with Silence, 4 secs pause 9:30 **Use their words, Put it in their Counsel Desk, then Use it later against them 10:35 emails short, 11:05 &&Dont take it personally 11:38 "Did you mean..? &&Dont assume intent 12:15 **Ask for more context. "What exactly do you mean by that?" 13:19 mama, dont say rude, know context 14:00 "It sounds like there's more to what you're saying.." 15:00 Summary tips, mirror, "Did you mean by that to be *adjective*.." Put em on check passive aggressive cmnt "It seems like there's more to what ur saying.." Silence 4 secs
@@aprilwashington3150 No, it's not the same difference. You pay for books and courses. You don't pay for TH-cam videos. If a video creator offers a table of contents, that's fine. It's their video. If you find it useful to have a table of contents, then make it yourself as you watch the video. But don't share it with others. All that does is enable others to 'get' the content without 'giving' the time to watch the video. Videos are evaluated by TH-cam's algorithm, in part, based on how much time people spend watching the video. So, when someone puts a time-stamped guide to the individual points, those who see that guide may choose to 'get' the content without 'giving' the time to watch. And that's a net theft from the creator. It's not only about you.
I am enjoying the deeper dive you're giving on some of these -- not that the super short form was bad, far from it -- but leading with the index cards and then following up with the discussion really adds relatability. Thank you, again, for all your work.
“DID YOU MEAN……. “reply is a great reply. I will definitely remember this come back. Just hearing this from you hit me like a brick. No hostility came to my mind, but it takes the rebuttal to another level of reply from the originator of the comment.
I have used these types of responses and they are EXTREMELY effective. "What do you mean......?" I learned it from a wise co worker who told me "just act clueless!!!"
I had a nurse say to me, 'I don't care.' after I mentioned the I haven't eaten in 5 hours. Context: I was taken to the ER because I injured my back. My response was to say nothing as I stood there looking at her. She was waiting for my response, and then she noticed the EMTs and I looking at her. She walked away and said nothing else.
@@njay4361 a family member has been in and out of the hospital. There’s always one at every visit. You’re at their mercy so we just keep our mouths shut.
I was in the ER with my husband who was having pain in his chest. (he ended up having open heart surgery) While we were there this pompous PA came in and asked a question to my husband if there was anything she should know about his health and he said "no". and I said he was needing a tooth extraction because of a severe infection. We already had an appt. scheduled for it and to have an implant put in. She condescendingly said to me "I don't need to hear from his 'medical team' ". I was floored. I thought it was relevant because it is. It took all of my energy to keep myself together.
Well, Jefferson Fisher is obviously way stronger and has more self control than I do when confronted with rude comments. His advice is excellent if you want to avoid a fight and stop the comments. My normal reaction is to fire something back that is equally as hurtful. But I see the value of responding in a way that allows you to come out smelling like a rose. I'm going to try hard to employ these tips.
Practice … just commit each day to practice… making your first word your breath …. Practice… write it down and find 3 things to practice each day. My therapist taught me this - takes the pressure off feeling like i have to be perfect. I actually succeed more doing this. Im happy to remember to practice something rather than feel the pressure of perfection.
@@tinam761That’s exactly what i was thinking … I need to replay in my head scenarios that have come my way and practice the replies. Also, i will practice so i break the habit I have started of being an incorrigible smarty pants and treat people better (I think I moved into a “fight” mentality. FEAR.).
"If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all" (Thumper, Bambi, 1942). However, I'd suggest not saying _anything_ at all. 😄 Just came across this channel and loving the great advice and Jefferson's friendly face. I've always told my children: Before you say or do something, stop for a moment and think of the possible consequences of your words or actions. They told me that they still remember me saying this, even though they're adults now, and they tell my grandchildren the same thing. Also, if someone's rude to you, it's worth realising that they're often the one with the problem-not you. Best not to give oxygen to fire.
I recently had someone say something rude to me during an extremely innocuous moment in a grocery store. Completely out of the blue and completely unnecessary and clearly the person was just an annoying angry person and just wanted to lash out at arbitrary folks. It was said behind me and I didn't even know I was being watched. I simply ignored it and pretended I didn't hear it. Didn't even turn around to look at them.
These are excellent responses in work situations, thanks. Where I tend to faulter is when a total stranger makes a rude comment to me. It is always later when i wish i had a do over and respond putting them in their place.
When a conversation starts to get aggressive for no matter what reason, I find the best thing to do is to make an "out of the blue" complement. Joe, your haircut looks really good. Did you get a new stylist? Mary, that color looks fabulous on you! Works like a charm to completely disengage them.
I saw that same move on Scandal! Olivia Pope (the main character) started in with "You're so pretty, so, so pretty!" She was talking to a man and it completely disarmed him.
But YOUR ACTIONS may prove otherwise . People get rude/upset for a reason. Sounds to me that you may honestly be clueless to some of your, shall we say, irritating behaviors .
New subscriber today, my life has always been pretty calm. But, should someone come at me my response would be to let them blow off stream and just walk away. To me responding to someone with a rude attitude would be pouring gas on a fire, I wished I had your great tutorials while I was working. We had a quick meeting in the morning to discuss our patients but the employees were the problem. Some employees really had a very argumentative attitude. Our suggestions for the annoyed employees was to step away from the situation. I have never been a confrontational , argumentative or aggressive person. Honestly , I’ve never been in a fight or had strong words with anyone. But lately, the world seems to had no filter. These comments are told to complete strangers. Thanks for sharing your great advice and wisdom. Really enjoyed your video. So, if that day comes and someone is verbally out of control, I am prepared to respond with a great response now.
Yes it is. Silent treatment, walking on by & keeping it moving works for me all the time. Sometimes you just need your peace. I try not to engage in stupidity LOL
I'm 56 and face this most days. Everytime I go out, especially by myself. This younger generation is very worrying with their lack of basic manners or empathy . Even getting off the bus and getting on is a chore ad due to anxiety and depression I have alot of issues. My partner is the same. I see so many sad people and I've been struggling most of my life, but I don't go out of my way to put this onto other people and I'm always polite. This generation is in serious trouble.
@coletteannemaud1340 it's been a month sinçe you've been here, but I thought I'd try. I am also 56 and have suffered with significant physical issues from the anxiety/depression that are a result of a childhood trauma incident when I was 3 or 4 years old. After many years of suffering, I have only recently learned that ADHD can be a result of childhood trauma in an attempt to shut down and not get hurt again. The "side effects" of this behavior can be devastating. You may be like me and think, "That can't be me, I am not hyperactive." The hyperactivity does not have to be physically, it can be mentally. I had horrible anxiety, even as a young child, long before the depression kicked in because of "lack of performance". And it wasn't as though I wasn't a good student, but to be one took everything I had... sitting in front of the class to not get distracted, taking every subject home so I could accomplish it at my own pace, I had no social life. The places I was reprimanded in was "moving too slow, daydreaming, lack of participation, etc." As an adult, I have tried a tremendous amount of therapy and self-help, which is why I am here. BUT when I learned about ADHD as a defense mechanism through TH-cam, I talked to my doctor, especially because I had tried Ritalin in the past and when it didn't work, I thought it must be wrong. Now I just started Vyvanse and am shocked! Anxiety has dropped, depression seems gone, and the stress-related pain (like sore neck and that knot in your stomach) is so much better. Idk if this is you at all, but considering how long I suffered, I couldn't think of anyone else going through the same thing. Take Care!
Being 50+ and still mentally in a place where a kids impulsive words gets to u is more so a issue with you more than them. Kids usually think stupid sh*t is funny and say things that don't make much sense. You taking that to heart is more so a issue with your own thoughts. Expecting a kid to have the maturity of an adult, like be serious.
@TahitianTreatt Did you mean that as hurtful? rude? uncaring? or all of the above? "kids" can mean teens & up also. they need to be taught to be respectful.
Great video! I agree with all of the points in the introduction. I suppose what is important to me is to stay as calm and down to earth as possible. I like the idea of asking the question, “did you really mean that” because it allows us to entertain other possibilities of why it was said. Sometimes we can interpret something as one way, but the person really didn’t mean it. If it were a stranger who said it, I might just wonder in my mind but if it were a closer relationship like a colleague I had to work with, I might ask it out loud. The problem is with some people you just can’t get anywhere so it’s maybe best not to engage. It’s a sign of strength of character to be able to treat others as we’d like to be treated ourselves, even if they’re rude. That’s the golden rule.
I think NO RESPONSE works well when you're an obviously high status person or really confident (lot of overlap) but when you're perceived to be lower status, then no response can seem meek, or it can confirm that you haven't the confidence to stand up for yourself. I go for a cheerful "ouch!" now. It calls them out but doesn't hand them a reaction. It narrows their scope for plausible deniability in the future. But, when i got better at handling my mother she stepped up the silent treatments and cold shouldering.
My sister in a message regarding covid testing called me "GIRLIE" in regard to me not understing THE PROCESS. am 74 years young Have not acknowledged her response and not heard from her in some months. Next time i will use some of your responses thankyou
I hear what you mean but sometimes people that go too far with their sly remarks need to be put back in their box Don't be a doormat there is only so much a person can take
Yeah. The office workplace used to be kind of nice and fun. By the year 2000, toxicity started to settle in. It’s because corporate America expects everyone to work with less. You are either isolated because we now have one person doing the work of 3 so the work to employee ratio is unrealistic or micro managed so they can ensure they get every last ounce of energy from their workers. Add in reduced benefits and no pension for more work and it makes you wonder what the point is. This way if managing employees breeds toxicity. I can’t wait until I retire.
Thes ideas is so needed in our world, today. I need them in my life. And i wont get preachy but the Bible agrees w so much of what you say! Thank you so much!
Thank you for sharing tips. What I always do when someone has a rude comment towards me even though I know I didn’t do anything negative to them is I look straight to their eyes for few seconds and walk away. And after that I don’t get get any more. ….ever!
10:53 OMG that's ridiculous. Personally, I have no time for an extensive email. Just an email directly to the point, my God. Some people receive more than 100 emails daily. Maybe she has too much time in her day. God is not a friend; is a colleague! Respect the time of colleagues who are busy
I've developed the skill of being selectively DEAF. I realized that i had become super attuned to the constant complaints my mother made under her breath. Now I my attitude is that if she wants something, she can at least say it out loud or it doesn't count. Also i generally respond to mean comments from people by considering the source and ignoring it or showing compassion for the pain that makes them lash out...a bad day or low self esteem. Either way i don't receive what doesn't serve me. They can keep it for someone who wants to play their game🙄.
A good response to pot-shots is, "so you say," in a very flat tone. Then silently turn your back and leave immediately. The silence and ignoring are important. Very effective; particularly devastating to narcissists.
Hey, I just found this Podcast and the very first video was one of considerable help to me. It served as a guide to help me make an important change to myself, and that is the way I respond to others. “I am trying to change the words that I speak and change the or modify the power of my tongue.”
Thank you for your suggestions. It seems that people today have a lot of destructive comments, even to strangers. My go to response is to look at the person and walk away. Some people interpret that as weakness. The beauty is that, for most instances, what they think has no consequences to your life. I always say a tiny prayer for them to find some kindness.
My dear late Father used to say, "Are you naturally unpleasant, or do you get up early to practise?"
😂😂
@@PippaAT 👏👏👏👏👏 😂
That's a good one.
LOVE THIS!! LMAO!
Ha that's funny!
When people say nice things to us, we normally say “Thank you”. When people make rude comments, I say very calmly, “ No, thank you. I didn’t deserve that”. That normally ends it there.
I like this one.n😊
Good response. I think I will try that one and see how it works.
Not really a good response. I can see a feminine being say that. But a masculine one or someone in a position of power can't say that.
It's really nice of you even replying them. I won't even waste my time to say another word. Life is short and I have no time for this, you know...
Idk that way still sounds a little as sumptuous and rude to me. I like what he said in the video!!
Being rude is a weakness.
A wise man said once” knowledge gives you wisdom, but character gives you respect.”
💯💯
Or it can be ignorance or lack of sophistication.
Im certain if I was to say “did you mean that to be offensive?” After she just had a dig( narc co worker) she would say, Oh you’re just reading into it ….. with a snide emphasis on my name🙄can’t rationalise with this type imo, will try the 4 sec silent though
@@norasummers6877 Another response is "thanks for sharing".
Soooo many weak people with insecurities. The older I get I find rudeness abounds ❤
Unfortunately, I have to deal with an extremely rude and narcissistic person on a regular basis. Every time I tried to challenge her, it came across as defensive she knew it got to me. One day, she made one of her nasty comments and tried correcting me on a minor point in front of everyone. I ignored her, and at first, nothing happened....until she repeated herself. The more she repeated herself and was met with silence the more foolish and petty she looked in front of everyone else. I'm a new subscriber.and this is a great channel 😃
She's a coworker!
Silence is powerful. It tells them their comment isn’t valuable. That’s devastating to them, even when they don’t show it.
Powerful.
@@Gina-d6s thank you 🫶
The narc is looking for a rise from you. Don’t give them one. There lies your power. Do not allow other people to control you. Once they don’t get their hit of dopamine they’ll give up.
My favorite response is to quietly ask them "what would motivate you to say that"? This accomplishes three things. It lets them know you are not taking the bait, it instantly turns the spotlight on them, and it exposes their rude behavior for exactly what it is.
I’ve done that. It was the natural response.
@@canoedoc2390 I actually love this and she has no problem saying to my face that she doesn’t like me.
How to respond to co-workers who say that I'm rude to them when I'm not?
@@LaoSoftware That sounds like a tricky situation. Perhaps you speak very directly and your co-workers are not accustomed to that?
If it were me, I would say, "I did not mean to be rude." And then I would ask what made my comment seem rude. Perhaps you can learn from each other what would be more comfortable ways to communicate.
@@LaoSoftware apologize to them. You may not mean to be rude, but if more than one is telling you that you are, then you're coming across that way.
"I'm sorry. I've communicated poorly. I didn't mean to be rude. What was it and what I said/did that made you feel that way. I want to know so I can communicate better.
A guy on the bus said to me, "I heard that you're a little crazy." I said, " It's better than being stupid." Everybody laughed. He was very polite, after that.
Absolutely, I don't think the advice of this video works in every situation. For some dynamics it's important to show up for yourself instead of letting them go with it.
Going for the jugular like that works pretty good too. 😊
Well done! Nothing shuts a verbal bully down like a little social humiliation. That’s why people shouldn’t hassle professional comedians.
Agree 100%, sometimes you just really need to shut that shit down. So they think twice about being rude to you in the future. But…. Also depends on who you’re dealing with.
Yasssss😂😂😂😂
Jefferson, I am a caregiver to my husband who ia a narcissist and had a stroke. I hope that sets the scene. He shot off a mean comment to me today and I remembered your suggestion of 'Was that meant to hurt me?' I walked over to him, looked right at him for a moment and then asked the question. He didn't respond. I asked again if his comment was meant to hurt me. He quietly said, 'No, I'm sorry'. WHAT A BREAKTHROUGH! Thanks!
Your narc husband doesn't have a leg to stand on and he still dares to try and disrespect the one person who is taking care of him after a stroke. Typical narc behavior. Good on you for standing up to him. YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Oh my gosh! That’s wonderful. Good for you. There’s a halo waiting for you for sure.
Wow! An apology from someone thigh in narcissistic traits is very rare.
He knows he's at your mercy now. The tables have turned. Karma. It's still a good deal for him because your moral compass is in tact. So, you won't treat him the way he would have treated you if he had become your caretaker.
Please remember to take good care of yourself. Your recent interaction with him is a good start. ❤
Unfortunately we in marriage or family react more because it's easier to release anger, grief & whatever else comes with disrespect. Love IS blind.
Jealousy is the main course of people that is rude to you.for no reason
Yes. I usually ignore them & get ahead. 😂
MY NEIGHBOUR👹👹👹👹👹👹👹👹👹👹👹👹👹👹👹👹👹👹👹👹👹👹👹👹👹
Agreed.
I thought it's getting on people's nerves
Or it can be ignorance or lack of sophistication.
Roddy Piper would say to rude, abusive comments: "I'm sorry someone hurt you so badly. I hope your life gets better." Hurt people hurt people.
@@takeiteasy7062 💗
Piper was a pro wrestler and actor. All around good dude.
Piper's Pit was awesome.
Caution, it is gadlighting, patronizing, dont
A sister-in-law sent a group text with a link adding that I might be offended so I might not want to read it. I paused, channeled Jefferson, hopefully, and replied to all “why would you send something you think is offensive?”
Brilliant....
It worked??? Cool
Class act!
I once had a man make a very abusive and accusatory comment directed at me in front of my friends. My response to him was can you repeat that? With everyone looking at him to say it again, It shut him up right away.
Usually works saying that. Some people end up saying it louder
Mic drop
@@Martyn_Wolfyou’re right. The other phrase like that is “what do you mean by that?” Most will be flustered, but the chronically rude can take it as an invitation to make more rude remarks. That’s why I like the suggestion to ask “Did you mean to…” because it goes straight to the chase, signaling you’re not playing that game, without being rude in return.
Thats the idea@@Martyn_Wolf
Agree that you are being reasonable and fair
The problem with ignoring it is that it will be taken as ok to continue the behavior.
yes, I feel the same way they look at that as a weakness,
While I do not agree that it is a sign of weakness if one continues in the conversation and tries to overlook or ignore. The best part is this person has quickly displayed they are the weak one. Gracefully excusing yourself from the room (if possible) or becoming silent has become a very strong message to send.
Some people even interpret your silence as if it means that the toxic person is right and you are guilty of something...
It can also.mean that the comment was not worthy of a response.
I usually just stare at them, then tilt my head to one side a bit, while kind of squinting my eyes. People can’t stand silence, and they don’t like when you don’t answer them if they’re expecting a response. Staying silent actually puts the obligation of speaking back on them, and they will feel compelled to say something more…. which usually embarrasses them. They don’t know what to say since they’re not getting the intended response.
I love the disturbing silence that comes after not answering a rude comment. :))
😂😂😂Right?!! That’s what I do.
😂
I actually did that several times in this life .. I've never seen most of those guys again 😊. The latest instance was with an old guy who badmouthed my cars. I responded again with silence. In the following weeks I met him a couple of times but never said hi to him ever since ...
And then the comment can just hang in mid air, and easy to see who said it.
@@zsb707 He got the message and will never know what you might have thought or didn't say
I enjoy asking people to repeat the rude comment as if I missed it. And when they do, I kindly ask them to repeat themselves again. Most people do not enjoy repeating themselves and every single individual I've tried it on became even more agitated. The rude comment/joke loses its power the more times repeated.
I really like this idea! It WOULD lose it's punch after being repeated.
Agitating another individual sounds passive aggressive and unkind. Asking them to repeat once is reasonable
@@ejnix7874 Well to be fair, they were rude. They deserve to be agitating for being an a$$
perfect comeback
@@ejnix7874 the idea started from losing most of my hearing from my previous career. After, I went into the corporate world where I met lots of rude partners that I could not genuinely hear on a daily basis. And thats when it dawned on me that it also works for petty comments. I intended to use my hearing disability as a lighthearted joke to defuse the situations, some laugh, but most people take it too seriously.
I don’t give them the time of day SILENCE IS GOLDEN. I have no desire to raise grown mean people
Lol😂
Agreed. I have 2 reactions: the look, or ignoring them.
My therapist recommended your channel to me. I’m trying to be more assertive without becoming aggressive. I like your suggestions.
There's a comedy I watch called Corporate. On one episode 2 characters conversation went something like "I'm not really an assertive person. But I also don't like the idea of being pushed around. I wish there was a way to respond that's not too passive and not too aggressive. " Lol
Same honey. Same!
I've learned to look straight at them and ask, with empathy, "are you ok?"
That will definitely stop them in their tracks as it’s totally not what they would expect you to say!
That’s a great one!!
My person would then say, Are YOU ok?!
I’ve even tried it coming from a concerned gentle tone and it still gets the same response.
This is just poking the bear and agitating the ego.
Do not respond to attacking statements or tone. They might say, ok nice talking with you!
Let them go. They must learn on their own what is not loving and gets no response from you. There is no reasoning with this type of person unless it’s a child you are parenting.
That is not direct and a passive aggressive response. You're better off being direct.
Lol. I like it
southern response: Well, bless your heart!
“I’ll put you on the prayer list at church!” LOL They’ll never speak ill again.
hahahaha! Southerners are experts at double-edged responses!
That brings back so many memories. My late mother could really "put you in your place" with that gem!
This is a favorite line my sister & I use. It works beautifully under all sorts of circumstances. Shuts some snarky, rude people up right then & there.
Love it! 😂
Could you make a video about standing up for yourself to your boss, or someone of higher ranking, at work? The battle between assertiveness and fear of getting fired is real!
Assertiveness skills are not a silver bullet. Sometimes winners may need to quit. Check out The Asshole Survival Guide by Robert Sutton
This is a tricky one, depending on what was said by the boss most know better but if he/she is above you the only thing to do is silence again as when you are on the lower position saying nothing makes them wonder if they went too far. Standing up for yourself doesn't always work best leave it alone unless you are 100% certain.
Had a stranger tell me I was too thin and I had an eating disorder. My response was well you need a plastic surgeon but here we are.
Another good comeback is "Yeah well I can start gaining weight anytime I want. You? You'll always be stupid" (a variation on a Sopranos scene) 🤌
Yeah they always feel its ok to comment on a thin persons body, not the fat ones
@@katarinaj.6830This is true.
😂 good one
“Ah yeah, well the jerk store called, they’re running out of you” -George Costanza of Seinfeld fame.
Being a Chinese and a 18F helping out in a bar during the bar tender's lunch break. A young man 24 to 27 White, came into bar and order draft beer... he thank me, looking at me after drinking half of his beer. Usually customers would walk to the pool table after they get their drink, but this guy just stay at the bar counter making the usual small talk on how is your day and there was pause... while staring at me for a couple of minutes, he said "do you know that asian faces look great from the front but your side profile looks kinda flat. Please dont take this the wrong way, its just a fact after observing people"... I was comtemplating over his comment and he had that look on his face...sort of waiting vor me to respond. I have some background in art and loves drawing portraits... in my mind I do agree with his comment... but xomehow I sense his is sort of challenging me to reply. Then I first thanked him for his comment and agreed with him, he was smirking thinking that was the best I could do... I said " do you know that western faces have beautiful aquiline features from the side, but from the front the face is kinda long..." and my gaze was slowly directing him towards a photo of a horse... Touche!
The faces u described, 🐴, usually apply to white european westerners. But what's funny about that is a lot of Asian culture believe European features are the epitome of beauty
@@TahitianTreatt Which Asian cultures are you talking about?
So you stooped to his level.
@@TahitianTreatt Whites are beautiful but so are Tahitians.
@@LLS710 Nah, she put a jerk in his place. He had it coming.
I needed to hear this. Only wish I had these tools before when I had to deal with a tricky narcissist who constantly threw little digs at me to belittle me, especially in public. Thankfully I did the only thing I could to survive her abuse and that was to walk away from the friendship. The best decision I ever made!
Agree, should have learnt this decades ago, sorrowfully.
I think I faired alright with one of my most recent customers but this would’ve been better I think. He complained about how this was the slowest he’s ever gotten a coffee. To one of the girls I work with. I looked at him dead in his eyes and said loudly “this guy is acting like he never waited a day in his life” that shut him up and probably embarrassed him in front of his wife but I probably got lucky because I technically escalated it. Did you mean to sound rude might have sounded better
Great decision.
This is what I say. When I say this, I make solid eye contact. I use a very stern voice. I lean in. I say "You are VERY RUDE"!!! Then I turn around and walk away. That's it. It's very simple. It took me a long time to get to this point. I allowed people to make very insulting and hurtful comments to me for many years. I am about to turn 60. The buck stops here. I am going hard now. NO QUARTER!!!!!
Update: (two weeks later)
I am writing this update regarding my first comment above. I can see that I have received several "likes" and also some replies. I would like to clarify something and address those of you who replied things to the effect of "you might be overly sensitive" "don't make anyone feel bad" or "it's rude to tell someone that they are being rude, that makes you rude as well" and lastly "you can say this in a calm and polite way".
There is nothing POLITE about the way I defend myself. That would defeat the whole purpose. When I say to someone "you are very rude" I say it in the most assertive, dominant and vicious way I can possibly muster and I have fire in my eyes when I make solid eye contact. My goal is not to be nice. Can you all understand this? Because if you cannot, that tells me that you have never been a victim of narcissistic abuse. Nice and civil does not work with these people. Their goal is to devalue you. They are sadistic and their cruelty is beyond measure. They will carefully choose the most potent insult, combined with a hostile tone and facial expression that is designed to let you know how much you disgust them. Have you ever had this happen to you, my dear readers? I hope not. It is an experience you will never forget.
So yes, I learned the hard way and I learned much too late in life. Yet, at least I finally learned that if someone directly insults me now ON PURPOSE in an attempt to devalue me, they will be met with the most angry, hostile, vicious response that I can possibly conjure up. Don't tell me to be "polite". My goal will be shock and awe. My goal is to match their SAME ENERGY and go beyond. My goal is to shame them for their disrespect and make sure they are terrified to ever cross me again. This is how I defend myself from now on. This is the new and improved me.
You have to consider your perception could be skewed due to putting up with hurtful comments for a long time, you may be overly sensitive to them and call someone Very Rude when they are not, making them feel bad. Never good to make another individual feel bad, I think there are smarter ways of replying that leave the other individual feeling neutral. An eye for an eye is old news, as we all endeavour to change all negative situations into happy positive ones to uplift everyone.
See but I reacting u give away more power .they want you to get upset .so better to leave without saying anything it's hits them later ..... .the narc will always go there
@@mac-ju5ot you know the type, that enjoys drama so shut them down so they Never choose you again, Narcs and Psychopaths, hit them with truth and they hate it, don't argue make your short statement and they will choose someone else because your high vibe energy is too much for them, they are pissed off that they can never upset you, they don't understand why you are so happy all of the time and can always put them in their place.
@@FrancesArnott-f8l My perception is not skewed at all. When I say this to someone it is only because they have BLANTANTLY disrespected me. No. I am not "too sensitive". I have someone that I deal with who is a literal bully and everything they say is deliberate and designed to devalue me on purpose. I am not seeking to leave this individual "feeling neutral". I am seeking to put a total stop to the abuse, once and for all.
@@mac-ju5ot I have to dissagree. I tried your method and got slaughtered. My new and improved method works great for me. I am very direct and put a stop to it immediately.
Had a man tell me, a woman, that he didn't like me and that I wasn't pretty. Told him, then isn't it great that I don't care what he thinks.
"You think if you like me or not really matters to me? Don't flatter yourself that much"
Well done you!! 👍
WOOOOW!!! Good for you! 👍👍👍
A good response would vary depending on the context. But to me a better response could be: "That was quite charming... You heard that from your dad?"
My son had some bully come to him and he commented that he had an ugly hair during lunch. He said, “well you just have to deal with it”. I was such a proud mama
I once had some short guy at work try to bring me down in front of a group because I was sitting higher up in the platform than everyone else because it’s comfortable as I’m very tall. He said “look at you sitting up there trying to be above everyone else”. I burst out laughing and replied “well what do you expect? I am a queen! Would you like to kiss my royal boots?” as put my leg out towards him and flipped my hair. He went bright red and never tried to embarrass me again. The rest of the room laughed at him and me.
hah nice !!! - i wouldnt of been that nice lol.. im such a bish..hehe.. -when deserved.. i must add. :)
Yes, if he had meant it in a jokey way, he would have played along with you and maybe pretended to kiss your boots. The fact he didn't and got embarrassed suggests he was just trying to humiliate you. What is wrong with people?
I once said “did you mean say that? It sounds rude.” And the response I got back was a deflected one, “It’s just a comment, you’re just being over sensitive - again”. Woah. Total narcissism.
6:35
Judy....ohhhh yes!! Total narcissistic 🐀 rat!! That's their favorite line!!!!
Just cheerfully say "ouch". Like, I see you for who you are, but I'm not going to hand you a reaction
@@00calimon i wouldn't do this in the workplace, but I once asked my mother "if you believe I'm sensitive, why do you keep being insensitive?".
Not that she had any kind of epiphany!! She started giving me silent treatments when I got better at reacting to the insults. So I gave up. Now she the victim of my "abuse".
@@SusanaXpeace2ugood comeback!..
They can’t take how smart you are so the silent treatment is their last card to play….
An old boss of mine used to say with disdain "how rude". It used to shock people to silence.
Best reply. This means you're not going to engage on that level and looking down on them
The Stephanie Tanner response. I'm going to teach my niece that one.
After years of snarky comments from my husband’s ex wife (only had to see her a few times a year) and me being silent, I finally had enough when she made a passive aggressive comment to her husband about my grandson. So the next time I saw him (she was standing right there) I made sure to let him know a comment was said (and looked right at her) was inappropriate and I wanted him to know it was. She FINALLY got the hint and stopped her snarky comments. I was silent for too long keeping the peace.
WHAT A CLASS ACT - I love helping others by sharing your videos, especially my grandson 🎉🎉🎉
This came up in my feed today and I really needed to hear this TODAY! I was called “stupid” today on FB because I just expressed what an opinion that this lady ask for from people.
What I said was not stupid it was just my opinion. It completely amazes me how people will band together in conversations when they don’t know you at all and even call you names. The names don’t bother me because I am way more mature than that but it’s disturbing how people treat each other. There is no respect. I love the phrase “are you going to play the game” I am definitely backing off of social media because of all the RUDE people that are mean. I don’t need that in my life!
I was a training and development manager for a company of 23,000 employees for over 10 years. I can confidently say that 80-90% of all training offered, primarily focused on something regarding communication. Much thanks for carrying the torch of possibility throughout your messages!
A good practice is saying, I'm sorry communication was lost, let's refocus....your also saying, I could be wrong but let's get past that.
“Nice of you to finally show up.” I have followed by a simple, “Thanks for waiting for me.” It’s quite disarming to thank someone and then they tend to look bad if they still press the issue. Great video, thank you. Greetings from NYC (the capital of rude haha). Cheers!
Great comeback statement - "thanks for waiting for me" 😂 nice one
@es8117 thanks for your comment. It would be. That’s not what the video nor I was talking about. I was pointing out that often times changing an “I’m sorry” to a “Thank you” can diffuse certain situations. It’s just an example. Cheers!
Being consistently late is RUDE. 😂
@@notw333 thank you replying. Being consistently late is rude and no one is disputing that. I was literally taking an example, verbatim, from his video. Perhaps i should re-word it. “It’s nice of you to finally show up” and one answers, “Thanks for waiting for me. “
Let’s say, for example, you’re 1 minute late? Or any number of things that you can’t control. The point of the video was to learn to handle the person making the comment to you. It’s a polite way to respond to their rude comment, even if you are the one who made a mistake and was late. Cheers 😀
What if they respond with yes I did mean to embarrass you?
I’ve enjoyed your shorts and now I really like these longer, deeper explanations. I’m going to start a “Jefferson Journal,” and take notes as I listen because that’ll help me to remember the phrases and make it easier in the moment to respond. Thank you so much for this amazing content- it is exactly what I need to help me grow in being authentic and assertive in my communication.
He has an email with the points spoken about. It's a brilliant start for a journal
Great idea, I’ll take notes too.
Ive started reading them into a recorder on my phone and play back whilst doing the dishes etc. X
I love that 4 second "perplexed" look, digesting and then say nothing. I think I have been doing this already and will continue using. And the two other responses are helpful too, because sometimes rude people won't stop until they get a response. Thank you for this!
I came up with the following response years ago. You stop, look them in the eye, and ask them "Do you treat everyone like that ?" Consider what it means if they say Yes, No, or stay silent.
Something that helps me maintain my cool is remembering that not everybody was raised with the same values and manners, it might look rude to you but to them this is normal behavior, this video was great advice handling those types of people
I think about how ppl lack manners all the time. You know, my parents never really taught them. At least in the American way. They were so inactive with everything school related that even in elementary I didn't even feel hopeful or assured in myself enough to ask them to go. Sports, dances, open houses, my graduations. Wever it was. Like not even a 1/4 of the time they'd show up. I either got punished or they just popped up to be unsupportive & not even emotionally attentive. It was maybe an entire 3 times, I felt like my dad was being an actual dad. He surprised me for my 5th b'day at school & graduation. But hs graduation he couldn't be bothered w/ his daily day about my few to even graduate, 1st generation . My mom would've murdered me if she could've got away w/ it just for going to dances. If there was ever a daughter daddy dance, I don't remember any of it bc I sure ash didn't go. Anyways, I remember saying hey? At this 1 white lady at sea world (after getting lost...) & my beer smelling dad was all u don't address them like that! But not in English. In Lao. & Only in the aftermath. They def didn't teach this not in public...& My kid head in between worlds was like ? 🤔, I mean in English, what doofus? Freaking what then, Spazz? So I'm pretty sure I head to learn everything outside that bubble. & I got hated on for that bubble &,,, I'm saying. My parents didn't teach me any real American manners. I had to pick up on them. So, no. It's def not all in the way ppl were raised. I wasn't even around most of my lao elders either bc just bc. They're All fn weird
The best response to rude comments I have ever found is to remain perfectly calm, then say, “( their name), I really don’t care.” This works especially well on narcissists because if you don’t care, in their minds they are facing extinction.
Yes I found this works beautifully…I don’t care is brilliant
"Frankly, my dear, i don't give a damn." Rhett had it right.
lmao. so true
I can't wait to try this!
Thanx
💯👍🏻👏🏻🎯
I can imagine the day coming soon where in conversations we hear people say, "Oooo, you just Fishered that!"
Hahahahahaha
Exactly!! lol
It’s going to happen! 💯
Let’s start it!!
Reminds me of “How I Met Your Mother” when Marshall would say “lawyered”. I,d love to say to someone who got their comeuppance, “Fishered”!
Know your worth. Stand up to Abusers! Also, just give them a Silent, Cold, Stare, and Say Nothing. Walk Away. They will feel Unimportant, which they Are. I guarantee you that will make an impression on them!
I knew of a young woman that was continually called 'horse face' by a much older man. He owned a dude ranch whose meandering trails - the majority of which were NOT on his property, but were on conservation land - she used to use to ride her own horse. Seems whenever he saw her he called her 'horse face' - even though she was far from that. One day he made the mistake of calling her 'horse face' in front of a group of people. She'd finally had enough, and just turned to him and said "Better the horse's face than the OTHER end, which is what YOU look like, George !" BOOM - the group erupted in laughter.
He never called her 'horse face' again.
Love it!!
@@gracewygal1423 Yep - she loved it, too ! :)
As part of my job, I have conversations with multiple conversations with new people everyday. The vast majority of these conversations are cordial and easy, but the occasional outliers can get very tense and confrontational. Listening to you for the last year has helped so much in those conversations. I have gotten much better at calming the conversations and that has made for noticeably better outcomes for everyone involved.
Thank You
No response IS a response.
I find this doesn't work - they just keep saying nasty things. They're called "bullies."
Historically no response has been considered consent.
@@karenjackson4729 No response in no way implies consent
Your power is in saying nothing power ball people
It can, also, be cowardly and/or passive - aggressive. Responding kindly and with clear moderation, as he suggests, is not only a major flex of character and confidence, it also invites them into a better place with dignity.
My supervisor is rude , abusive, and disrespectful. But he only messes with the quiet people. And never disrespectful to strong males who he know will not put up with it.
Bullying
Misogynistic boss. I can relate.
I had a toxic boss who was just awful to everyone, but especially to really vulnerable people. She took a toll on my mental health, but I wouldn't back down when she came after me. Standing up for myself didn't really help the situation, but at least I felt better about myself for not allowing her to bully me. I've always believed that if you let someone bully you then you make it easier for them to bully others. It's kind of a responsibility to stand up for yourself
Workplace harassment.
This is how most of the Mexicans get treated at my job by white Superiors. And they just take it. Thats one reason they're hired. Docility is what some look for. Learn how to speak up for yourself
As a dark skinned black woman in America,
NO ONE has been insulted more than me. My own people and all the other races too have taken a shot at me and got sent packing. Just look the person in the eye and say "Do we have a problem?" ,
" Do you have an issue with me?" I can almost guarantee, they will automatically back track and apologize. Works well with fascists, racists, narcissist, manipulators, etc. This gave me a idea. I should write a book on how to be insulted and win.... Although I do feel some resentment, I love everyone. Even though people constantly try to get me down and into self hatred. It's just jealousy honestly. Sometimes, a rude comment is the highest, most affirming compliment you can receive. Obviously, you're important.
You are so right! If they are mouthing off, they are jealous of you and are threatened by you! Keep up the great comments!
I like your style and attitude!
Jefferson, you are changing the world with this Podcast! Thank you for the time and energy you put into these videos. I am a (recovering) people pleaser with 2 very difficult members in my immediate family. Your training is helping me stand up in a kind yet strong way.
In my younger days, whenever a man bothered me on the subway and I rebuffed him, he would usually say, "You're not very friendly, are you?" To which I would reply, "Nope." That would generally leave him with nothing else to say, but sometimes others would call me some disgusting name, to which I would reply, "You got that right." Always worked.
How do you reply to people who says something racist towards you
@@conniegoman5673
If you feel superior, why do you sound so bitter?
... actually, I think that any offense including racial comments are meant to provoke you so they can add more insults like you are aggressive, etc.
I'm a woman so I have received many nasty comments from perfect strangers and others who were not but I think those who worked better were kind of... if they said something mean to make me feel guilty and fawn or people pleasing, l admit they are right and that's why they should avoid me. Especially if there are people around. I make clear that I don't want to engage to them in any ways and people will see that if the same person approach me again, it's not me the one looking for it and that I'm being harassed.
I had to put up with lots of bs because I'm Spanish so, any narcissist who wants to sound funny would use it to mock me and if I get trigger, what they are looking for, they will say I don't have a sense of humor or I'm too sensitive. Ignoring them works best but I understand sometimes we have to speak up. Saying I couldn't care less about your opinion in a calm way is effective. Of course, you have to value the situation because sick people get offended just because you didn't look at them or you did, they are just looking for a excuse and can get aggressive.
No matter what, don't take it personal because they are projecting their bs onto you. Knowing that gives you an advantage; not being affected no matter what they say.
Someone's opinion doesn't define you and rejection is God's protection.
@@conniegoman5673 It's the same thing whether it's sexist, racist, homophobic, or just plain rude: I just say, "Yup. Uh-huh," or "That I am!" What can they say to that? I'm of mixed race, so I get those comments from people who think I'm Spanish or Puerto Rican.
When Christian missionaries tried to convert Buddhists, the Buddhists would say, "Of course Jesus is God. We're all God." The missionaries were perplexed and ultimately unsuccessful in converting them because the Buddhists seemed to on the same page.
@@conniegoman5673Anyone can be managed with "Thankyou for your time" for anything they might say to you.
@@conniegoman5673 There's nothing you can say to someone like that, that'll have any impact. Don't waste your breathe on them. They always turn it back on you again, because they are superior. (Superior in their own minds, that is.)
My response with a smile "Have A Bless Day" because I know they are miserable, due to their rude response. I am living my best life every day unbothered so keep I keep it moving.
good one or have a nice day
Proverbs 15:1 An answer when mild turns away rage. 😊
Your video randomly got into my news feed and I'm thankful for that.
I generally have a hard time explaining the world to my teens. They are too young for the real world and too "old" to take mom's advice.
Thanks to you, all I do now is- I have just the right video for that. And the best part is my teens listen to your advice.
For example- my boys faced a very rude comment about what they eat from a fellow teammate/ "friend"- I just showed this video, and they are pretty clear how to handle the situation today. Thank you! Thankyou! Thank you!!!
I do love that your advice moves the focus from the Rude comment and how it effects you and more to how to respond where you respond in a way that makes you feel stronger and more confident. This will also avoid that same situation in the future.
Them: “Thanks for finally showing up!” Me with a smile: “You’re welcome!” Don’t give them the power of triggering you, which is what they want.
People tell me things then later say they never said that. It's infuriating.
@@Jane-Doe.1126that’s called “gaslighting”. When you look into the who and why of gaslighting, you may learn how to respond how you want to versus react infuriated.
@@Jane-Doe.1126 Gaslighting is frustrating. It sounds like you have an opportunity to confront them in the moment instead of later.
Or, maybe you could respond with “didn’t know you missed me so much”…
When someone is rude to me ..I don’t say a word to them ….
My grandmother told me, ' Consider the source from which it comes. Silence is Golden." A look means everything. Women are jealous of me. I do not care. They are miserable with themselves, and misery loves company. I will never lower myself, to there pool of quicksand, and try to pull you in. Action speaks louder than words. I will not waste my oxygen on miserable , depressed , toxic people. I am too happy, to have these folks in my aura. Poker Face.
Yes 🙌🏽
Your grandmother is a very wise person.
Correction: their
@lorettademaio4334 why thank you. Have a great day. My first name means noble, and I love to see people happy. Best to you and your loved ones.
@@adelebz7
Don’t ignore it. The person needs to be told that their behavior is inappropriate. “Yer rude and disrespectful.” Then ignore them and walk away. You don’t have to be the target of their displaced anger.🎉🎉🎉
I agree! Especially if they say it in front of other people.
Ohh, hows about, "If you are looking for a target for your misplaced anger, your tactics won't work on me, therefore, I suggest you go and find yourself another target. Better yet, you and get some therapy for your anger management issues."
Can’t wait to try this. I already work on not responding. I’m a Walmart receipt checker. I’ll have plenty opportunities to try these
This is just what I needed. I made the terrible mistake of responding aggressively while being caught up in my emotions. I went through this with a verbally aggressive family member and a few other negative comments from a couple of negative people I encountered in the past. Now when I get ridiculous comments, I prefer to remain silent and look at them
Give all comments to God and try to spend more time with like-minded positive individuals who will bring out the best in you, sorry your family acted in that way toward you
It’s always the retaliators who look crazy! Reactive abuse is so real. Also, this happens a lot in sports lol. The second guy usually gets the penalty
The biggest problem for me to answer quick, I loose the moment😂
I have that issue as well and I'm in my 60s now, which makes it even harder to think clearly, let alone quickly! 🤭
Me too, just you are kind of in shock, you can't process fast enough, hate that, you lose the moment.
Don’t response :) until u r ready, keep your own pace ☝️
That is why is offering some set responses. "Did you mean for that to sound ...", Four seconds silence, etc. Just learn them.
My best response is silence is golden and look right into there eyes and walk away😊
Keep this necessary topic up please. 🙏🏼. My life is dogged by rudeness I'm polite but not weak, I guess any reaction is better than nothing to these people, pure evil.
I work nights. So my livliness is usually lacking when I go grocery shopping/etc....I can not handle when people tell me I look tired. If i look tired I probably feel tired, i dont need a reminder. I just say, THANK YOU. All i have done this too, come to their own realization that Telling someone they look tired is rude.
I dont say it snarky or rude back.
That silence trick works. I use it ALL the time. Not worth my time to respond too.
I’m dealing with a really challenging person who when I say things in response to their cutting passive aggressive pot shots such as “did you mean to embarrass me? “ they respond with phrases like “ you embarrass yourself”, or “take it how you want” or “look, I’m not doing this with you!”. It seems silence is my only option. Also if I say it seems like …. They answer with “don’t pre judge me” it’s literally exhausting.
Yes me too. I found that NOT giving them a reaction makes them angry and they eventually stop because they can't get a reaction.
That *is* exhausting. I'm sorry that your efforts so far haven't eased the situation. That said, it sounds to me like you've made some potential progress with "did you mean..." style questions. I'd like to offer some ways of potentially extending that progress.
First suggestion: play like a "broken record." Repeat your question until it elicits an actual response to the question, or until it silences the person because they don't want to respond politely. For example:
You: Did you mean to embarrass me?
Them: You embarrass yourself.
You: Did you intend for your comment to embarrass me?
Them: Take it however you want.
You: Was it your intention to embarrass me?
The response "I'm not doing this with you" acknowledges your curiosity about their motives. Does this end the exchange? If so, then that seems like a reasonable result! If not, then I'd follow that up with something like "if you don't want me to understand what you mean, then don't make the comment."
Either way looks like success
@@a.l.m3059 wow thank you I will try this, I usually just give up because I don’t want to push situations or upset them but I’ve come to realise that I need to do more work on myself to not just have the confidence but the tools to deliver my messages more confidentially without just giving up and then feeling railroaded. Thank you this is very helpful.
@@kaci6538 maybe trying “Does it make you feel better as a person (or better than other ppl), to put others down?”
@@annesmith6582I get those same answers 🤦♀️
Love it! I'm quiet, which makes people uncomfortable so some can make rude comments about it. One woman said something twice - she's nasty to everyone - but it always takes me by surprise. Now I know what to say!
When a rude person says to me “ what are you looking at”?! I respond….”not a lot”
No offense, but starring at someone may come off as rude.
We used to say "I don't know. They don't put labels on shit"
Why are you staring at people to begin with? In American culture that is considered rude and confrontational.
Just say, "I'm just trying to figure that out ".
I love the 'did you mean' response - seeing the person's face when I repeat it back to them has been enough for them to apologize and correct their statement 😂 I even use it in other conversations that start escalating toward arguments - it shows the person how I've interpreted what they are saying and it shows that I'm going through the effort of trying to understand their point! Love this! Use it all the time!
I love all the things you teach us. Again, I have to listen to them more than once to make it stick, but you make it easy to listen to more than once. Thank you
❤Thank you Jefferson! This is so welcome even in my 60’s. I was never a game player, too ‘sensitive’, hence too many years of ‘feeling’ offended. Such a waste of emotions! You are so clear! I have been coming around to this awareness that you have explained so clearly - heard, listened to, evaluated and concluded. It has meant some hard decisions on my part to deal with chronically rude friends but I feel better for it. Time, feelings, relationships are so critical. It’s good to embrace clarity!!!!!
I actually find compliments harder to respond to than rude comments. I just laugh at people when they're rude to me because I genuinely don't give a shit. But when someone compliments me, it often feels like fake flattery and they're trying to manipulate me or get something from me.
I have had a hard time with accepting complements too so I have learn to try not to read too much into it and just say thank you.
Simply say Thank you. It will get easier the more you do it.
Often the compliment is not sincere, and you can pick up on that.
If you've been devalued in a close relationship, it sets you up to be skeptical of any compliment.
I agree with @marge3477, just say thank you, and it will get easier.
Peace
Not accepting a compliment makes you appear evil and here’s how that happens:
As your evaluate the fake flattery you’ll show sings of being sinister and scheming too everyone who can see and read your subtle reactions.
I said fake flattery because that’s your belief. Who am I to disagree with such a distrusting person?
He’s the best way to upgrade yourself. Every person you meet, find a true thing about them, that’s good or cool, and simply mention it as something you admire. Only pick true things.
In general most people will take it as a treat or like petting a kind animal. It’s a feel good small moment. A social lubricant.
By only picking true complements you’ll start to see how evil people look when they think you’re lying or messing with you.
You can literally see who’s paranoid in seconds upon meeting.
I never set out for that knowledge, I set out to make friends in life, but when you’re good to others Ave or strangers you really will discover so much about others by being sincere to them.
Only chose sincere commitments of goodness to others.
Oh cool shoes
I like how you said that awesome comment
Your hair looks great so nice
Your education level is excellent I always admire the learnings of engineers
As long as your compliment is honestly sincere and good, then you’re good to deliver it.
What the responses. It’s fascinating the kindness back but also some peoples dirty faces, like yours.
Your face is dirty cus you BELIEVE all others are scheming on you.
So the clean remedy is to give love in small easy social way. It will cleanse your doubt of others in a fair way.
Leaving you NOT naive nor sinister expecting.
Ps here’s my complement to you. You are very self aware for realizing you hold doubt to all thereby making it easy to share with you a tip you can apply on your own and in a safe way.
IDE have nothing to say if it were not for your high quality self honesty, which the world needs more of. Strong of you 💪.
See? That’s real. No lie in there. But you’re the judge… not I.
OMG!! I thought I was the only person like that. I feel exactly the same about both behaviors. I rarely ever get angry at rudeness. I always turn it into a joke. I've disarmed numerous arguments that way and usually get a laugh out of the person that was so pissed off in about 10 seconds.
In the past I've replied "I'm sorry, I didn't quite hear you. Can you repeat? They usually don't.
So, simple, yet so brilliant! 🇬🇧
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Except that all that the rude person would do is call me a liar.
After decades of letting people walk all over me, I've learned that silence or a stop n stare approach works well!
I wish I had come across your channel sooner. I used to work with the rudest human I’ve ever seen. She was rude to almost everyone every single day. Your technique would have worked perfectly on her.
I’ve subscribed to your channel in order to learn more. I love the way you explain how to use the techniques. So simple, yet so effective.
0:35 "Did you mean for that to be *adjective*.."
0:45 passive aggressive "Did I offend you..?" **Check them
1:15 Silence
1:25 these are tests 1:55 &&Dont escalate worsts
3:00 rude comments, 3:22 Do I respond or not?
3:40 ppl make indirect diggs on you
4:09 "Did you mean..?" 5:00 **Call em out
4:35 What is their intent?
5:35 Dismissive texts. K "Did you mean for that to be short?
6:35 passive aggressive,
7:10 "It seems/sounds like there's more to that.."
7:30 **Respond with Silence, 4 secs pause
9:30 **Use their words, Put it in their Counsel Desk, then Use it later against them
10:35 emails short, 11:05 &&Dont take it personally
11:38 "Did you mean..? &&Dont assume intent
12:15 **Ask for more context. "What exactly do you mean by that?"
13:19 mama, dont say rude, know context
14:00 "It sounds like there's more to what you're saying.."
15:00 Summary tips, mirror, "Did you mean by that to be *adjective*.."
Put em on check passive aggressive cmnt "It seems like there's more to what ur saying.."
Silence 4 secs
Thank you for this! Great tips to remember & go back to when I forget. 😊
Did you mean to steal revenue from this channel?
@@RichardHarlos
I actually like seeing the table of contents before reading a book, or the curriculum before taking a course.
Same difference 👍
@@aprilwashington3150 No, it's not the same difference. You pay for books and courses. You don't pay for TH-cam videos.
If a video creator offers a table of contents, that's fine. It's their video. If you find it useful to have a table of contents, then make it yourself as you watch the video. But don't share it with others. All that does is enable others to 'get' the content without 'giving' the time to watch the video.
Videos are evaluated by TH-cam's algorithm, in part, based on how much time people spend watching the video. So, when someone puts a time-stamped guide to the individual points, those who see that guide may choose to 'get' the content without 'giving' the time to watch. And that's a net theft from the creator.
It's not only about you.
@@RichardHarlos Aaaaaah you do know if he had a problem with that, HE, would have / could have hidden the comment.
You do know that right???
I am enjoying the deeper dive you're giving on some of these -- not that the super short form was bad, far from it -- but leading with the index cards and then following up with the discussion really adds relatability. Thank you, again, for all your work.
"Thank you for sharing. I think it is wonderful you feel comfortable sharing. Thank you again."
“DID YOU MEAN……. “reply is a great reply. I will definitely remember this come back. Just hearing this from you hit me like a brick. No hostility came to my mind, but it takes the rebuttal to another level of reply from the originator of the comment.
I have used these types of responses and they are EXTREMELY effective. "What do you mean......?" I learned it from a wise co worker who told me "just act clueless!!!"
I had a nurse say to me, 'I don't care.' after I mentioned the I haven't eaten in 5 hours. Context: I was taken to the ER because I injured my back. My response was to say nothing as I stood there looking at her. She was waiting for my response, and then she noticed the EMTs and I looking at her. She walked away and said nothing else.
You got to experience the mean girl to nursing pipeline. It's why I left the profession. So many acted like middle school bullies
@@njay4361 a family member has been in and out of the hospital. There’s always one at every visit. You’re at their mercy so we just keep our mouths shut.
As a former nurse, I am so sorry. You never would have heard that from me.
I was in the ER with my husband who was having pain in his chest. (he ended up having open heart surgery) While we were there this pompous PA came in and asked a question to my husband if there was anything she should know about his health and he said "no". and I said he was needing a tooth extraction because of a severe infection. We already had an appt. scheduled for it and to have an implant put in. She condescendingly said to me "I don't need to hear from his 'medical team' ". I was floored. I thought it was relevant because it is. It took all of my energy to keep myself together.
@@katehepburn9544 I like, somebody piss in your Cheerios this morning? People usually get embarrassed and change their attitude.
Well, Jefferson Fisher is obviously way stronger and has more self control than I do when confronted with rude comments. His advice is excellent if you want to avoid a fight and stop the comments. My normal reaction is to fire something back that is equally as hurtful. But I see the value of responding in a way that allows you to come out smelling like a rose. I'm going to try hard to employ these tips.
I agree
Practice … just commit each day to practice… making your first word your breath …. Practice… write it down and find 3 things to practice each day. My therapist taught me this - takes the pressure off feeling like i have to be perfect. I actually succeed more doing this. Im happy to remember to practice something rather than feel the pressure of perfection.
So difficult to maintain that control!!!
@@tinam761That’s exactly what i was thinking … I need to replay in my head scenarios that have come my way and practice the replies. Also, i will practice so i break the habit I have started of being an incorrigible smarty pants and treat people better (I think I moved into a “fight” mentality. FEAR.).
@tinam761,
What a wonderful technique. It stops perfectionism from stifling our progress.
Thank you.
"If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all" (Thumper, Bambi, 1942). However, I'd suggest not saying _anything_ at all. 😄 Just came across this channel and loving the great advice and Jefferson's friendly face. I've always told my children: Before you say or do something, stop for a moment and think of the possible consequences of your words or actions. They told me that they still remember me saying this, even though they're adults now, and they tell my grandchildren the same thing. Also, if someone's rude to you, it's worth realising that they're often the one with the problem-not you. Best not to give oxygen to fire.
Yes! Bambi &Thumper addressing the woods critters.
Followed by Thumper's three thumps of his hind leg.
My favorite is "if you can't say something nice, then don't say something nice!" Lol. I'm just kidding.
I recently had someone say something rude to me during an extremely innocuous moment in a grocery store. Completely out of the blue and completely unnecessary and clearly the person was just an annoying angry person and just wanted to lash out at arbitrary folks. It was said behind me and I didn't even know I was being watched. I simply ignored it and pretended I didn't hear it. Didn't even turn around to look at them.
These are excellent responses in work situations, thanks. Where I tend to faulter is when a total stranger makes a rude comment to me. It is always later when i wish i had a do over and respond putting them in their place.
When a conversation starts to get aggressive for no matter what reason, I find the best thing to do is to make an "out of the blue" complement. Joe, your haircut looks really good. Did you get a new stylist? Mary, that color looks fabulous on you! Works like a charm to completely disengage them.
My husband remembers when someone responded to his snarky comment with a compliment 30 years ago! He was that embarrassed!
I saw that same move on Scandal! Olivia Pope (the main character) started in with "You're so pretty, so, so pretty!" She was talking to a man and it completely disarmed him.
That's a very creative, clever idea. I will try to remember to do that! Thanks for the idea.
My go-to has been pretty successful: "I'm a nice person. You don't have to talk to me like that."
But YOUR ACTIONS may prove otherwise . People get rude/upset for a reason. Sounds to me that you may honestly be clueless to some of your, shall we say, irritating behaviors .
@@Donna-m9y If I irritate or offend someone, I expect them to communicate it without insulting me. I'm a nice person. I'll listen.
New subscriber today, my life has always been pretty calm. But, should someone come at me my response would be to let them blow off stream and just walk away. To me responding to someone with a rude attitude would be pouring gas on a fire,
I wished I had your great tutorials while I was working. We had a quick meeting in the morning to discuss our patients but the employees were the problem. Some employees really had a very argumentative attitude. Our suggestions for the annoyed employees was to step away from the situation.
I have never been a confrontational , argumentative or aggressive person. Honestly , I’ve never been in a fight or had strong words with anyone. But lately, the world seems to had no filter. These comments are told to complete strangers.
Thanks for sharing your great advice and wisdom. Really enjoyed your video. So, if that day comes and someone is verbally out of control, I am prepared to respond with a great response now.
Silent treatment to rude comments sounds like a very powerful technique 👍👍
Yes it is. Silent treatment, walking on by & keeping it moving works for me all the time. Sometimes you just need your peace. I try not to engage in stupidity LOL
I just came across this channel and enjoyed listening to the content.
I’m a retired Mental Health Therapist and I enjoyed listening.
Thanks
Thank you for helping me to think before I speak and how to respond when someone is pushing my buttons.
That’s what I’m here for. :) 🙏
Silence is golden.
And duct tape is silver .😉
Sometimes it doesn’t work. They take it as a weakness
@@emyleewong3600 You are right. They can often take silence as a sign that you've got no 'come back' and that they have 'got you'.
It is my “go to.” I think now I will precede it with a four second quizzical look.
@@usèr1234-x1o😂
TY Mr. Fisher for the podcasts. I'm a callcenter trainer in the philippines. I show your videos in my classes to help converse with US customers.
Accents can be very difficult to understand. Just saying.
@@angelwings7930Did you mean for that to sound rude?
Ive been hearing horror stories from other call center agents. It seems irate and horrendous calls are very common.
Stay strong.
I'm 56 and face this most days. Everytime I go out, especially by myself. This younger generation is very worrying with their lack of basic manners or empathy . Even getting off the bus and getting on is a chore ad due to anxiety and depression I have alot of issues. My partner is the same. I see so many sad people and I've been struggling most of my life, but I don't go out of my way to put this onto other people and I'm always polite. This generation is in serious trouble.
@coletteannemaud1340 it's been a month sinçe you've been here, but I thought I'd try.
I am also 56 and have suffered with significant physical issues from the anxiety/depression that are a result of a childhood trauma incident when I was 3 or 4 years old. After many years of suffering, I have only recently learned that ADHD can be a result of childhood trauma in an attempt to shut down and not get hurt again. The "side effects" of this behavior can be devastating. You may be like me and think, "That can't be me, I am not hyperactive." The hyperactivity does not have to be physically, it can be mentally. I had horrible anxiety, even as a young child, long before the depression kicked in because of "lack of performance". And it wasn't as though I wasn't a good student, but to be one took everything I had... sitting in front of the class to not get distracted, taking every subject home so I could accomplish it at my own pace, I had no social life. The places I was reprimanded in was "moving too slow, daydreaming, lack of participation, etc." As an adult, I have tried a tremendous amount of therapy and self-help, which is why I am here. BUT when I learned about ADHD as a defense mechanism through TH-cam, I talked to my doctor, especially because I had tried Ritalin in the past and when it didn't work, I thought it must be wrong. Now I just started Vyvanse and am shocked! Anxiety has dropped, depression seems gone, and the stress-related pain (like sore neck and that knot in your stomach) is so much better. Idk if this is you at all, but considering how long I suffered, I couldn't think of anyone else going through the same thing. Take Care!
Being 50+ and still mentally in a place where a kids impulsive words gets to u is more so a issue with you more than them. Kids usually think stupid sh*t is funny and say things that don't make much sense. You taking that to heart is more so a issue with your own thoughts. Expecting a kid to have the maturity of an adult, like be serious.
@TahitianTreatt
Did you mean that as hurtful? rude? uncaring? or all of the above?
"kids" can mean teens & up also. they need to be taught to be respectful.
Colette, I agree with you!
Great video! I agree with all of the points in the introduction. I suppose what is important to me is to stay as calm and down to earth as possible. I like the idea of asking the question, “did you really mean that” because it allows us to entertain other possibilities of why it was said. Sometimes we can interpret something as one way, but the person really didn’t mean it. If it were a stranger who said it, I might just wonder in my mind but if it were a closer relationship like a colleague I had to work with, I might ask it out loud. The problem is with some people you just can’t get anywhere so it’s maybe best not to engage. It’s a sign of strength of character to be able to treat others as we’d like to be treated ourselves, even if they’re rude. That’s the golden rule.
I think NO RESPONSE works well when you're an obviously high status person or really confident (lot of overlap) but when you're perceived to be lower status, then no response can seem meek, or it can confirm that you haven't the confidence to stand up for yourself. I go for a cheerful "ouch!" now. It calls them out but doesn't hand them a reaction. It narrows their scope for plausible deniability in the future.
But, when i got better at handling my mother she stepped up the silent treatments and cold shouldering.
My sister in a message regarding covid testing called me "GIRLIE" in regard to me not understing THE PROCESS. am 74 years young Have not acknowledged her response and not heard from her in some months. Next time i will use some of your responses thankyou
I hear what you mean but sometimes people that go too far with their sly remarks need to be put back in their box Don't be a doormat there is only so much a person can take
Thank God I am retired, because I can now be around people, that are like minded. My Boss is: "Me, myself and I."
Yeah. The office workplace used to be kind of nice and fun. By the year 2000, toxicity started to settle in. It’s because corporate America expects everyone to work with less. You are either isolated because we now have one person doing the work of 3 so the work to employee ratio is unrealistic or micro managed so they can ensure they get every last ounce of energy from their workers.
Add in reduced benefits and no pension for more work and it makes you wonder what the point is.
This way if managing employees breeds toxicity. I can’t wait until I retire.
Thes ideas is so needed in our world, today. I need them in my life. And i wont get preachy but the Bible agrees w so much of what you say! Thank you so much!
Thank you for sharing tips. What I always do when someone has a rude comment towards me even though I know I didn’t do anything negative to them is I look straight to their eyes for few seconds and walk away. And after that I don’t get get any more. ….ever!
10:53 OMG that's ridiculous. Personally, I have no time for an extensive email. Just an email directly to the point, my God. Some people receive more than 100 emails daily. Maybe she has too much time in her day. God is not a friend; is a colleague! Respect the time of colleagues who are busy
I've developed the skill of being selectively DEAF. I realized that i had become super attuned to the constant complaints my mother made under her breath. Now I my attitude is that if she wants something, she can at least say it out loud or it doesn't count. Also i generally respond to mean comments from people by considering the source and ignoring it or showing compassion for the pain that makes them lash out...a bad day or low self esteem. Either way i don't receive what doesn't serve me. They can keep it for someone who wants to play their game🙄.
A good response to pot-shots is, "so you say," in a very flat tone. Then silently turn your back and leave immediately. The silence and ignoring are important. Very effective; particularly devastating to narcissists.
You once said the best return comment,
Slowly, quietly ask rude person
"Are you ok?" I liked that one.
Hey, I just found this Podcast and the very first video was one of considerable help to me. It served as a guide to help me make an important change to myself, and that is the way I respond to others. “I am trying to change the words that I speak and change the or modify the power of my tongue.”
Thank you for your suggestions. It seems that people today have a lot of destructive comments, even to strangers. My go to response is to look at the person and walk away. Some people interpret that as weakness. The beauty is that, for most instances, what they think has no consequences to your life. I always say a tiny prayer for them to find some kindness.