❤ this sentence. Although I am not sure how cleaning person can use it since they pickup the garbage literally and deal with rude employers sometimes. 🇨🇦
At 64 , I realize that I’ve fallen into a place where I’m covered in peoples trash a lot. Thank you for pointing this out. Your help is very appreciated!
It happens to me. As a child we have not grown up with the confidence to value ourselves. God won't judge us for this. Knowing your truth is everything . 11:53
@@breakthroughmoment1647Have a Neutral witness, record it, & follow professional advice. She explodes because you've challenged her pattern of abusive behaviour. Make that a first step in changing your life for the better, your mental & physical health deserves it.
Hey God bless you mate but if u ask me get out of the place with toxic co workers its not simply worth it its really not I had a toxic work env for four months and after two years I am still suffering from the mental damage of it ... its not only me you can also see the write of best seller book of 48 laws of power says the same and Robrt Green is a wise man so if you can change where you work
I was a manager at one time and had an employee come to me that felt targeted by co-workers. I advised her to ignore them, but to engage in an uplifting conversation or even laughter with someone else during their gossip, or even listen to music. As she began to engage with others with laughter, the toxic gossipers began to feel left out and it improved over the years. Guess it was similar to an act of shaming, an act of this will not be tolerated, but in a positive arena. Your ignoring your co-workers and not responding will hopefully make them realize they aren't worthy of being tolerated. Hope you are not feeling provoked any more.
@@MR-pr8tpThat would just leave the "toxic gossiper" to change target onto someone else. They need a formal reprimand, & noted in their work performance record. If they persist, even with another target, then they need sacking. That kind of behaviour causes low morale, lower productivity, & suggests they aren't concentrating on their own job. Here, the Employer is Legally liable for 'Workplace Bullying", if they don't respond effectively to complaints of bullying. They must have, & engage a Workplace Bullying protocol, it's part of their OHS responsibility.
Jefferson, you’re incredible in the very best way. So many people are raised with the mindset that their role is to please others. I certainly was. Saying no is a right. Thank you for reinforcing that.
When my kids were smaller and they'd repeated ask me for something - a toy, candy, whatever, and they started to get a little pushy, I would turn around, look at them at eye-level and say lovingly, "You asked me that, and I answered you. Let's move forward."
My dear daughter has me believe I’m not a nice person duh? I’m a people pleaser who loathes arguments and I care deeply. I will now learn to be me. Thank you young man love your direction. ❤
You are kind and gentle, and a great teacher and role model.Being kind does not make you a doormat. Truly assertive without anger, aggressiveness.. perfect
I've been the " Disclaimer Queen" all my life & at 57, I'm finally done. Not only does it make me look weak, but it's so emotionally draining! I really appreciate all your videos! Thank you
You get the 5 star satisfaction award for cutting to the chase, using normal language and above all, telling us what we can literally DO in a present moment to change a trajectory, rather than getting mired in too much of the psychology behind it as if that understanding was enough.
I loved this , I was a people pleaser for most of my life .then i realized i wasn't living my Life . Just started saying "NO " without adding an explanation. feel very proud of myself and truly free. thank you Jefferson
Omg, it works, i was invited to a party ( last minute) but the ppl know me, and know I'm up for a party and last minute is never a judgment on my part, i said no, followed by i appreciate the invite, ty, end of it. The conversion continued as smoothly as my answer, normally i would have explained the reasons why i couldn't .
Here's a topic suggestion : How to deal with someone (close) who talks too much, all the time, about his own interests, so someone who is not really making an effort to create a real conversation or connection. Thanks a lot for your great content 🙂👍👍
AMEN! I would love some advice on that! I have a family member that is right up THAT street! A whole evening becomes all about them and they never stop talking about themself! No one else in the room even exists!
Yes hands up for that. I can be guilty of this too when I am passionate about something and want to also know tips for reining oneself in 🙏🏻🥰 xx thanks
This is off topic but I have A D D . I’m 66 and am finding that I can learn great stuff from the younger generation. Maybe we have done our jobs in a more spiritual term rather than material. This is what the new THE AMERICAN DREAM looks like. What good is owning your own home if you don’t have friends and family to fill it? Thank goodness they (our children) are better than us. MY LIFE WOULD HAVE BEEN SO DIFFERENT IF I COULD HAVE COMMUNICATED my boundaries without having to wait until the moment of implosion. I love my peeps but I don’t want to be walked on and didn’t get the tools growing up. So I’ll keep liking you, and you keep teaching ME how to be BETTER for the next generation. Thank you for the hard work.
“I am not in the business of picking up trash.” Developing a mindset like this is golden. I get that. Now, if I could only restrain from saying that out loud! 😅
Another way of saying "No" that I kinda don't like but is effective is-- "I just don't have the bandwidth for that right now." If it's something you want to do when time frees up, you can add, "But please feel free to ask me again in a few months and see where I'm at." Love the simple but brilliant wisdom coming from your car, Jeffrey. Thanks for the ride. :)
As a Christian I like to say "no" in this way; "God is not leading me to do that." If they ask why I just repeat myself. God gave me this answer many years ago. People ask "why" because they want to argue that we are making the wrong decision, but they cannot argue with me when God is making my decisions. Also, one time someone pressured me and mocked me that I didn't hear from God, so I said; "if you don't want to accept my answer then go and argue with God, He's the One Who gave me my marching orders."
@@stevevernon5038 God speaks often of not fighting fools, and allowing Him to avenge us. There is no faith required when we just "fight back" without trusting in God. I was raised with narcissists and they all love it when their target becomes unhinged, they want us to fight, they see it as having power over us when they can cause anger and rage in us. The wise thing to do is to not feed the beast and walk away when we discover someone is like this. Bullies don't stop becoming bullies because we beat them up, they double down and we end up looking like the foolish one.
Many people are not of your "Christian" beliefs. Assuming everyone else is of the same religion, same beliefs might not have the positive effect on others as you want to believe.
This is now in my top 10 favorite podcasts. I’ve been choked up and spit out, my words get snuffed, and I get walked all over. I don’t know how to stand up for myself, and all of these videos are so great for me. I’ll watch one everyday! Thank you !
@@lasv69 absolutely. I was not raised in an environment where the people I was around practiced communication in a respectful manner, and as a result I am only just learning how to appropriately respond to certain things. I find myself in heated conflict being belittled and essentially “ run over” by the person I’m speaking with. I’ve not been confident in my self worth, my knowledge, or my words. I easily lose the words I want to say as a response and I don’t recover them until later. I’ve been getting bullied in this way my entire life!
@@chrissyhudkins I’m with you there with all that you said. I guess that’s why we’re here working on it. You’re in good company! Let’s all get stronger together! Thanks for sharing too by the way. I think these dialogues help us all. 🙏🏼
@@chrissyhudkinsAwareness is the First Step, Knowledge is the Second (knowledge is power), practice the scenarios you've suffered with strong replies, until it's the automatic response. You'll Floor them! 😁
Jefferson, your podcast are filled w/ timeless advice and value. Never worry about "Just rolling with it" because each episode only gets better when you do. You have no idea how helpful you have been. Thank you! ❤
Great topic! I taught my daughter to say 'thank you for thinking of me, but this doesn't work for me. I'm sure you will be able to find someone that it will work for'. Short and simple ❤
Say no, and just stop talking. Any question they ask, you just say, “Why do you ask?” That is a conversation killer. They have been rude, and now they feel it. ❤
Wish I'd known this years ago. I'm a people-pleaser, but am working to undo it! "No is a complete sentence." I love that!! I love all your podcasts. So very helpful, thank you!!
Agreement 💯 percent! There are times when people are trying to set you up for whatever reason; think and pause before you speak. They are trying to stir your emotions which turn into situations. So, just ignore it for the best part. My opinion.
I never had the upbringing of standing up for myself, but all the life experiences I have had up until now, I see things so much clearer, so now I am standing up for myself, advocate for me..
That gross nasty thing - I love this line, very helpful for when someone is saying something that is not worth a response. I visualise it being gross and toe tapping it into the trash.
I agree with everything you said on this podcast. I have had no choice but to stand up for myself since my husband never has. The more I do stand up for myself the easier it gets and I feel more empowered when I do. 🌹
Amen to that! If I don’t value or respect the person that is throwing the trash out, I might listen, but their words are repelled. They don’t care about my opinion, why should I waste my time and breath.
“That is not what is best for me right now, it’s outside of my focus, I need to make another choice.” I will memorize these wonderful sentences and use them when needed. Since I’m “older“ than most of your viewers I still want to be graceful but firm with my decisions. The dynamics change with a persons age, but I’m still my own advocate. I will continue to enjoy your podcast. Thank you .
I was just strolling through TH-cam this morning and found you while I was waiting for the Sun to come up and the news to come on what you’re saying is so correct and I actually didn’t know about you before this morning but I have a narcissistic stepmother who I described as having a 10th° black belt in narcissism because she’s that strong with it. She’s also born-again Christian which means that you’re never right only she is but I heard a couple of months ago that somebody said that when somebody says something that belittles you, ask them “what did you say?” Well, she did a double take and backpedaled. I Immediately thought wow that works. I also save quotes and sayings from Pintrest. I liked the one that I saved several years ago.” no response is a response. And it’s a powerful one. Remember that.” I appreciate the words that you give me and other people the courage to get that target off our back because every time that target weighs more and more and more and I felt it and today I don’t have that target on my back anymore so keep doing what you’re doing. It helps a lot.
We do not have to respond to every enticement nor say yes to everything. It takes discernment. Love God. Love Others. Love yourself. Therein is the answer. God bless.
This is really helpful. I find that when I say no and attempt to walk away, the offensive person continues to follow me and won’t stop. It can be exhausting.
It is not what is best for me right now- I am writing it down and memorizing it!! So when I get cornered - I will remember it! Thank you for teaching me ! I need it when I feel over powered.
I have learned how to block family members because I am worth standing up for and becoming stronger than their negativity! I will remain Positive and my stress and emotional peace have been such a sweet retreat away from them. Breathing easy is the best air! Thank you and I am loving all I am learning in my old age!
Same here. Family members can be the hardest people to stand up to because they use guilt, shame, and blame. At my age (59) I've learned to simply not give a f**k. 😊
after years of suppression with narc criticisms and narc behavior, it gets worse the gaslighting and antagonizing with narc sil and bully mil. No contact, no longer putting up with bad behaviour
I am 70 years old. I have hated myself so many times for doing things that I didn't want to do because I just couldn't say no. I've recently found your channel and I enjoy your simple responses to everyday unappreciated comments. Thank you.
Don’t forget to add my southern Grama’s favorite, “Cry all you want. You’ll pee less! I said NO!!!” 😂🎉 Nothing watered down about that. I like your polite explanations as well. Thanks!
It is great to get these tips. I've spent my life trying to be nice and realizing I'm angry with others because I've given too much and can't balance because of fear of being mean. To realize it's kindness to set boundaries is empowering
It’s funny. I know these things but it feels so good to hear them. Even when I do them and know it has to be done, it often doesn’t feel good. Your words are a quiet round of applause.
"Just because Someone spews garbage ... You don't have to pick up trash " .... Wow ... simply wow .. Just wrote it on my board . I really needed to hear this !!! Appreciate this video so much . Incredible.
These tips for saying no are very helpful (say it directly, don't water it down, keep it short and sweet etc.). Your comments about responding to people who ask why you are saying "no" have also caused me to react more respectfully to others who say "no" to me!
Man this channel is a direct answer to prayer!! I've been feeling so bad about myself. My self confidence is totally shot like it never has been before. Just due to one person and one comment that I should have thrown in the trash instead of trying to explain to everyone in the whole damn office why that comment was ridiculous. There was me, broom and dustpan in hand, bending over in front of everyone sweeping the floor like a damn fool. Liked and subscribed. Thank you brother.
Thanks for being my therapist this weekend. I’m trying to improve my communication with a new coworker who interrupts my work for insignificant issues and expects my immediate attention. I write medical software and it’s tedious, stressful and takes immense concentration. We communicate via a messing system and I indicate my status as “busy” if I need to concentrate. Most people send emails unless something is urgent. The coworker who keeps track of IT requests will message me with non urgent questions about these requests when my profile clearly indicates I’m busy, and is very insistent that I drop what I am doing to answer her questions. I’ve gotten snarky with her several times, and I don’t want to. I have mentioned this to other coworkers and they said OMG! I thought it was just me”. I work very hard and have no patience when someone continually wastes my time. You have given me several ideas on how to deal with the situation without losing my mind and being rude.
J you are one of the person whom i stumbled up on and never looked back. I moved to US in late 2021. Culture, language and nuances are different then where I come from. I am multilingual. English is my 2nd language and even though I am proficient at work environment ( superficially) I actually struggle coordinating my thoughts ( I do lot of code switching) also I am trauma survivor and suffer from anxiety. You have helped me develop my language and confidence. It do feel empowered. I make notes of your statements and practice it in real world and come back to board ( what worked and what does not) I loved your respons in this podcast about why not.' Its not best for me right now' and 'I need to make a different choice' it was like wooaahh 😮 thank you for what you do. If you think i can help you in anyway it would be my honor. Appreciate you so much! ❤
Know your worth! Fabulous. I used to say sorry...I don't do that anymore. I also don't allow myself to be guilted into things anymore. It is completely OK to say no.
For Elton John, “sorry seems to be the hardest word”. For me, it is “no”. I have so much difficulty in this regard. I have to police myself about not giving people explanations. Your video gave me choices for answers, after a “no”, in case of insistence on elucidations. Very grateful for your sharing of your wisdom, Mr. Bopst…
Thank you… again for encouraging me. I was raised to be a people pleaser and at age 66 I find myself slipping back into that. With my husband as my biggest supporter I’ve come a long way. With you teaching me whether thru my inbox or podcast, I feel like I can just say “No”. Period. Can’t wait for your book
I am learning so much from the wisdom that you share in improving interpersonal relationships and asserting my own self interest with difficult, oppositional people. It gives me confidence and hope for improving an area in my life that I have been extremely challenged with. Jennifer🙏
Emotions are so contagious. Getting sucked into a disagreement is too easy...I'm going to try to toss it next time! Thank you for useful, common sense suggestions to be able to communicate more easily and effectively.
I’m in marriage counseling right now, and he has a knack of flipping things around onto me. We end up in huge fights! What do I do? How do I not allow him to push my buttons. He seems to have narcissistic tendencies in his personality. Makes it hard! I enjoy your remarks and content, I listen to you every day on Instagram!
Keep learning and living and building your power to be you regardless of who is around you. I sometimes wonder if this process you speak of is simply our opportunities for self growth for becoming better more resilient people. I empathize with where you’re at and hope that what we learn through this content can help us to live respectfully on our own terms.
You can't win that's their plan, don't answer . He doesn't care if the marriage works. Go to counciling by yourself , you don't deserve being treated that way.
The best way to handle a narcissist is do not react you just admitted that he pushes your buttons so he knows what he can do.. Think use your common sense
A marriage should not be a competition - don’t feed your spouse’s narcissistic tendencies by arguing. Politely say you aren’t engaging and walk away - go outside for a walk - you’ll live longer for walking and for protecting yourself by not engaging! ❤❤❤
Your podcast has helped me in every relationship I have, even when I do not remember the exact responses you give. There is something in the ambiance, the character, in the quality of the counsel. Thank you.
I love all your tips - so simple and direct. Many of us always say Sorry first, and always offer excuses. When you do that, they counter the excuse, so I stopped doing that. I remember when I was a little girl and would ask my dad a question he didn't want to answer, or if I asked Why?, he'd respond, "You writing a book?" I find that to be a lighthearted response, meaning "none of your business." And I knew he wasn't going to give me an answer.
I'm learning so much from these! Asserting myself and saying no without a back up explanation really helps. That stops others from challenging my explanation which intern is challenging my answer of no. Thanks Jefferson!
Your videos have been so helpful for me, that I've decided to include them in my sons homeschool curriculum for this semester: Communicating Effectively.
Saying “No, thank you” is direct yet polite and suppresses my need to give an explanation. Also, I have never been questioned when I’ve said “I don’t want to,” and a supervisor once mentioned it in a group setting, saying that when they heard me say that they realized I was someone who knew their boundaries.
This one hits home for me as it's something I struggle with. Thanks for making it so simple to say what's best for ME - wow! What a concept! Thanks, Jefferson!
When we discover our value and what it is that is important to us, we find it easier to say no to other people’s needs, wants, and desires for our lives.
I was told look at a situation as a spectator . Detached and separated like watching the TV you don’t have to go to every drama you are invited to. No answer, is still an answer!
Hi Jefferson ! I can appreciate what you shared with Karlie on how to respond to the “why not” question . That why not comes up so often in one’s everyday conversation . Thank you for sharing your knowledge on how to have healthier conversations which helps me personally with initiating my boundaries in my conversations .
Jeff your channel is so helpful and amazing. I’m a new executive at 30 years old, so I get written off a lot. I am working towards becoming coo for a major company one day and am currently working at proctor and gamble. It gets very intimidating and everyone likes to tell me be confident and assertive but humble and empathetic but no one tells me how. That is besides you! Keep doing what you’re doing, your advice and podcasts are invaluable to people everywhere! Thank you!
Jefferson, I love all of your podcasts and suggestions. Communication with people, especially with difficult ones, became so much easier. Tips about not being in picking up garbage business is wow 🤯 so much needed to hear! Thank you 🙏
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![[Part 4] หนุ่มน้อยรักคุณย่ายิ่งกว่าใคร ไม่ว่าใครก็รังแกดูถูกท่านไม่ได้!! #โลกการละคร](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/sLsBxw99FR0/mqdefault.jpg)
‘Stop attending every argument you’re invited to’. Yes!!
true , you don't have to play the games of another.
Love this ❤ I am working hard on this and I still fail sometimes
Exactly. I’ll tape that on my mirror “stop attending every argument you’re invited to”. Such a simple statement yet so poignant.
"Just because they spew out garbage does not mean you are in the business of picking up trash." Wise and beautifully well spoken.
😊🇨🇦
agreed, this is a great saying I am going to try remember.
❤ this sentence. Although I am not sure how cleaning person can use it since they pickup the garbage literally and deal with rude employers sometimes. 🇨🇦
At 64 , I realize that I’ve fallen into a place where I’m covered in peoples trash a lot. Thank you for pointing this out. Your help is very appreciated!
Thank you. Excellent points
It happens to me. As a child we have not grown up with the confidence to value ourselves.
God won't judge us for this. Knowing your truth is everything . 11:53
Healthy Boundaries 💪🏼
TOUCHE ME TOO SURROUNDED BY IT👌🥳🤗💗
Happy Beatles Birthday! ❤
"No, because it's not what's best for me right now." - Perfect! Thank you.
I’m trying to imagine myself saying that to my super passive-aggressive covert narcissistic mother! I can already see her going through the roof!! 😮
Doesn’t work for me
Some solutions are not for everyone.
5 star podcast, Jefferson👍🏻 what gets my goat is remembering to count to 4 as you have suggested - BEFORE opening my mouth to respond.
@@breakthroughmoment1647Have a Neutral witness, record it, & follow professional advice. She explodes because you've challenged her pattern of abusive behaviour. Make that a first step in changing your life for the better, your mental & physical health deserves it.
It took me months to gather the courage, and I said no to a request to take on someone else's tasks at work...WHEW!
I feel you .. I am rooting for you 🎉
This sounds like such a simple thing and yet is so hard for many of us to do! Great job and be proud that you held your boundary.
Congratulations😀 🎊
I love that statement about not attending every argument. Perfect.
I am provoked everyday at work by gang of toxic co workers and I don't respond to them. This makes them crazy 😅 and I love it
Wow, that takes a lot of patience but you do that every day, awesome
Hey God bless you mate but if u ask me get out of the place with toxic co workers its not simply worth it its really not I had a toxic work env for four months and after two years I am still suffering from the mental damage of it ... its not only me you can also see the write of best seller book of 48 laws of power says the same and Robrt Green is a wise man so if you can change where you work
I too am in an office of toxic people I’m now taking anti anxiety medication it’s been difficult I am
Looking for another job
I was a manager at one time and had an employee come to me that felt targeted by co-workers. I advised her to ignore them, but to engage in an uplifting conversation or even laughter with someone else during their gossip, or even listen to music. As she began to engage with others with laughter, the toxic gossipers began to feel left out and it improved over the years. Guess it was similar to an act of shaming, an act of this will not be tolerated, but in a positive arena. Your ignoring your co-workers and not responding will hopefully make them realize they aren't worthy of being tolerated. Hope you are not feeling provoked any more.
@@MR-pr8tpThat would just leave the "toxic gossiper" to change target onto someone else. They need a formal reprimand, & noted in their work performance record. If they persist, even with another target, then they need sacking. That kind of behaviour causes low morale, lower productivity, & suggests they aren't concentrating on their own job. Here, the Employer is Legally liable for 'Workplace Bullying", if they don't respond effectively to complaints of bullying. They must have, & engage a Workplace Bullying protocol, it's part of their OHS responsibility.
Oooo! I like the “It’s not what’s best for me right now.” 🤯👏🏻
"Letting the pitch go by" is a great way to take the energy down from a narcissist.
@@NanaWilson-px9ij That's a good way of expressing it. "Ball one!"
Jefferson, you’re incredible in the very best way. So many people are raised with the mindset that their role is to please others. I certainly was. Saying no is a right. Thank you for reinforcing that.
When my kids were smaller and they'd repeated ask me for something - a toy, candy, whatever, and they started to get a little pushy, I would turn around, look at them at eye-level and say lovingly, "You asked me that, and I answered you. Let's move forward."
Excellent parenting! I love it! I am going to use it with my grandson, if this situation arises…
I appreciate how you give me actual words to use in difficult situations
My dear daughter has me believe I’m not a nice person duh? I’m a people pleaser who loathes arguments and I care deeply. I will now learn to be me. Thank you young man love your direction. ❤
You are kind and gentle, and a great teacher and role model.Being kind does not make you a doormat. Truly assertive without anger, aggressiveness.. perfect
I love how you show people how to recover or create personal power. It's something that's not addressed enough in advice today,
I've been the
" Disclaimer Queen" all my life & at 57, I'm finally done. Not only does it make me look weak, but it's so emotionally draining!
I really appreciate all your videos! Thank you
Carli brings up a good point. Women are expected to be compliant, so we're always questioned when we say no
My self esteem has fluctuated over time. NICE TO HAVE THIS AS A REMINDER ❤
I love the No is a complete sentence. That phrase also works to shut down the why.
*"Just because they spew out garbage doesn't mean we are in the business of picking up trash, you can politely tell them where it goes"* ❤
You get the 5 star satisfaction award for cutting to the chase, using normal language and above all, telling us what we can literally DO in a present moment to change a trajectory, rather than getting mired in too much of the psychology behind it as if that understanding was enough.
Where were you when I needed this advice fifty years ago ?
He wasn't born yet
😂@@EmiliaTraviesa
I loved this , I was a people pleaser for most of my life .then i realized i wasn't living my Life . Just started saying "NO " without adding an explanation. feel very proud of myself and truly free. thank you Jefferson
Dear Jefferson, you are an invaluable resource and a very special person. You make a difference. Thank you.
Omg, it works, i was invited to a party ( last minute) but the ppl know me, and know I'm up for a party and last minute is never a judgment on my part, i said no, followed by i appreciate the invite, ty, end of it. The conversion continued as smoothly as my answer, normally i would have explained the reasons why i couldn't .
Here's a topic suggestion : How to deal with someone (close) who talks too much, all the time, about his own interests, so someone who is not really making an effort to create a real conversation or connection. Thanks a lot for your great content 🙂👍👍
AMEN! I would love some advice on that! I have a family member that is right up THAT street! A whole evening becomes all about them and they never stop talking about themself! No one else in the room even exists!
Me too! Help please 🙏
Yes!
Yes hands up for that. I can be guilty of this too when I am passionate about something and want to also know tips for reining oneself in 🙏🏻🥰 xx thanks
Thanks ! I struggle with getting too many invites and find myself exhausted ….rehearsing your lines to help me focus more on self care …
“Stop justifying the no”… such valuable advice! 🇳🇿
This is off topic but I have A D D . I’m 66 and am finding that I can learn great stuff from the younger generation. Maybe we have done our jobs in a more spiritual term rather than material. This is what the new THE AMERICAN DREAM looks like.
What good is owning your own home if you don’t have friends and family to fill it? Thank goodness they (our children) are better than us. MY LIFE WOULD HAVE BEEN SO DIFFERENT IF I COULD HAVE COMMUNICATED my boundaries without having to wait until the moment of implosion. I love my peeps but I don’t want to be walked on and didn’t get the tools growing up. So I’ll keep liking you, and you keep teaching ME how to be BETTER for the next generation. Thank you for the hard work.
Its a real Irish thing, to say no and then comes a story. I love your answer to Carlie at the end, I will use this one. Thanks
“I am not in the business of picking up trash.” Developing a mindset like this is golden. I get that. Now, if I could only restrain from saying that out loud! 😅
Many times when I say No, I add, Thank you for thinking of me though. No excuses needed!
I do this too.
Another way of saying "No" that I kinda don't like but is effective is-- "I just don't have the bandwidth for that right now." If it's something you want to do when time frees up, you can add, "But please feel free to ask me again in a few months and see where I'm at." Love the simple but brilliant wisdom coming from your car, Jeffrey. Thanks for the ride. :)
Jefferson, thank you for starting a mighty revolution of civility.
As a Christian I like to say "no" in this way; "God is not leading me to do that." If they ask why I just repeat myself. God gave me this answer many years ago. People ask "why" because they want to argue that we are making the wrong decision, but they cannot argue with me when God is making my decisions. Also, one time someone pressured me and mocked me that I didn't hear from God, so I said; "if you don't want to accept my answer then go and argue with God, He's the One Who gave me my marching orders."
Love this!!!
I just learned that lately.
@gwendolynwehage n.t. says let your yes be yes and your no be no. Stop putting your responsibility on god. Stand up for yourself.
@@stevevernon5038 God speaks often of not fighting fools, and allowing Him to avenge us. There is no faith required when we just "fight back" without trusting in God. I was raised with narcissists and they all love it when their target becomes unhinged, they want us to fight, they see it as having power over us when they can cause anger and rage in us. The wise thing to do is to not feed the beast and walk away when we discover someone is like this. Bullies don't stop becoming bullies because we beat them up, they double down and we end up looking like the foolish one.
Many people are not of your "Christian" beliefs. Assuming everyone else is of the same religion, same beliefs might not have the positive effect on others as you want to believe.
“It’s not what’s best for me right now.”
I will definitely adopt this phrase. Thank you! 😊
You got this!
“Trashing” other people’s garbage has brought me dignity peace and ability to disconnect from others issues
This is now in my top 10 favorite podcasts. I’ve been choked up and spit out, my words get snuffed, and I get walked all over. I don’t know how to stand up for myself, and all of these videos are so great for me. I’ll watch one everyday!
Thank you !
@@chrissyhudkins I’m glad to hear that you’re gaining your strength and learning to reclaim your personal power back! We get stronger together!
@@lasv69 absolutely. I was not raised in an environment where the people I was around practiced communication in a respectful manner, and as a result I am only just learning how to appropriately respond to certain things. I find myself in heated conflict being belittled and essentially “ run over” by the person I’m speaking with. I’ve not been confident in my self worth, my knowledge, or my words. I easily lose the words I want to say as a response and I don’t recover them until later. I’ve been getting bullied in this way my entire life!
@@chrissyhudkins I’m with you there with all that you said. I guess that’s why we’re here working on it. You’re in good company! Let’s all get stronger together! Thanks for sharing too by the way. I think these dialogues help us all. 🙏🏼
@@chrissyhudkinsAwareness is the First Step, Knowledge is the Second (knowledge is power), practice the scenarios you've suffered with strong replies, until it's the automatic response. You'll Floor them!
😁
KNOW YOUR WORTH 🕊️✨
"That's not what's best for me" spoke to me, and I see myself using it in the future.
I love "it's not what's best for me right now." Or even without the "right now, " depending on the situation.
I can listen to Jefferson all day
Jefferson, your podcast are filled w/ timeless advice and value. Never worry about "Just rolling with it" because each episode only gets better when you do. You have no idea how helpful you have been. Thank you! ❤
Great topic! I taught my daughter to say 'thank you for thinking of me, but this doesn't work for me. I'm sure you will be able to find someone that it will work for'. Short and simple ❤
Say no, and just stop talking. Any question they ask, you just say, “Why do you ask?” That is a conversation killer. They have been rude, and now they feel it. ❤
I had a relative who couldn't take such a subtle hint. She just replied because I want to know. It's funny now, after 10 or so years.
😂@@maryjacobs7046
@@maryjacobs7046I'm not your doormat, that's why!
Wish I'd known this years ago. I'm a people-pleaser, but am working to undo it! "No is a complete sentence." I love that!! I love all your podcasts. So very helpful, thank you!!
Agreement 💯 percent! There are times when people are trying to set you up for whatever reason; think and pause before you speak.
They are trying to stir your emotions which turn into situations.
So, just ignore it for the best part.
My opinion.
My roommate/sister in law is like that with me. drives me crazy.. After listening to Jefferson more and more, I'm learning how to handle her.
I never had the upbringing of standing up for myself, but all the life experiences I have had up until now, I see things so much clearer, so now I am standing up for myself, advocate for me..
That gross nasty thing - I love this line, very helpful for when someone is saying something that is not worth a response. I visualise it being gross and toe tapping it into the trash.
I agree with everything you said on this podcast. I have had no choice but to stand up for myself since my husband never has. The more I do stand up for myself the easier it gets and I feel more empowered when I do. 🌹
Amen to that! If I don’t value or respect the person that is throwing the trash out, I might listen, but their words are repelled. They don’t care about my opinion, why should I waste my time and breath.
You are always so bang on - the only thing I have to complain about is when one of these situations arise….I can never remember what you said!!
“That is not what is best for me right now, it’s outside of my focus, I need to make another choice.” I will memorize these wonderful sentences and use them when needed. Since I’m “older“ than most of your viewers I still want to be graceful but firm with my decisions. The dynamics change with a persons age, but I’m still my own advocate. I will continue to enjoy your podcast. Thank you .
Jefferson, I am one of your students. I learn so much for you. I can't wait for the book ... thank you so much!
I was just strolling through TH-cam this morning and found you while I was waiting for the Sun to come up and the news to come on what you’re saying is so correct and I actually didn’t know about you before this morning but I have a narcissistic stepmother who I described as having a 10th° black belt in narcissism because she’s that strong with it. She’s also born-again Christian which means that you’re never right only she is but I heard a couple of months ago that somebody said that when somebody says something that belittles you, ask them “what did you say?” Well, she did a double take and backpedaled. I Immediately thought wow that works. I also save quotes and sayings from Pintrest. I liked the one that I saved several years ago.” no response is a response. And it’s a powerful one. Remember that.” I appreciate the words that you give me and other people the courage to get that target off our back because every time that target weighs more and more and more and I felt it and today I don’t have that target on my back anymore so keep doing what you’re doing. It helps a lot.
We do not have to respond to every enticement nor say yes to everything. It takes discernment. Love God. Love Others. Love yourself. Therein is the answer. God bless.
There is wisdom in conserving your energy and protecting your peace.
Great communication advice! Thanks, Jefferson, for encouraging us to be clear, concise and respectful.
Thank you for this podcast.So far I used to justify my NO.
Now I know I don't have to .I have to say NO unapologetically.
This is really helpful. I find that when I say no and attempt to walk away, the offensive person continues to follow me and won’t stop. It can be exhausting.
Me too
Replay “what did I say when you asked”
Say... "I said, No."
If they continue. Say... "Stop."
It is not what is best for me right now- I am writing it down and memorizing it!! So when I get cornered - I will remember it! Thank you for teaching me ! I need it when I feel over powered.
I have learned how to block family members because I am worth standing up for and becoming stronger than their negativity!
I will remain Positive and my stress and emotional peace have been such a sweet retreat away from them.
Breathing easy is the best air!
Thank you and I am loving all I am learning in my old age!
Same here. Family members can be the hardest people to stand up to because they use guilt, shame, and blame.
At my age (59) I've learned to simply not give a f**k. 😊
after years of suppression with narc criticisms and narc behavior, it gets worse the gaslighting and antagonizing with narc sil and bully mil. No contact, no longer putting up with bad behaviour
I am 70 years old. I have hated myself so many times for doing things that I didn't want to do because I just couldn't say no. I've recently found your channel and I enjoy your simple responses to everyday unappreciated comments. Thank you.
Don’t forget to add my southern Grama’s favorite,
“Cry all you want. You’ll pee less!
I said NO!!!”
😂🎉
Nothing watered down about that.
I like your polite explanations as well.
Thanks!
😂❤
I love this quirky reply. I will have to use this one. Cry more, pee less. Funny.
😂i love this
Fantastic ❤😊
It is great to get these tips. I've spent my life trying to be nice and realizing I'm angry with others because I've given too much and can't balance because of fear of being mean. To realize it's kindness to set boundaries is empowering
It’s funny. I know these things but it feels so good to hear them. Even when I do them and know it has to be done, it often doesn’t feel good. Your words are a quiet round of applause.
"Just because Someone spews garbage ... You don't have to pick up trash " .... Wow ... simply wow ..
Just wrote it on my board . I really needed to hear this !!!
Appreciate this video so much . Incredible.
These tips for saying no are very helpful (say it directly, don't water it down, keep it short and sweet etc.). Your comments about responding to people who ask why you are saying "no" have also caused me to react more respectfully to others who say "no" to me!
I am new to your podcast. Loving it so far. Going to take some notes. Thanks.
Protect your Peace in all ways. Beautiful Sentient Being🙏❤️❤️
Thank you, thank you thank you!! I too often apologize for my NO’S. Perfect Advice 5:49!!!
You are awesome! I needed this.
I love this. Protect your peace. Because the thing they love most is to bring you down and then you end up feeling terrible
Man this channel is a direct answer to prayer!! I've been feeling so bad about myself. My self confidence is totally shot like it never has been before. Just due to one person and one comment that I should have thrown in the trash instead of trying to explain to everyone in the whole damn office why that comment was ridiculous. There was me, broom and dustpan in hand, bending over in front of everyone sweeping the floor like a damn fool. Liked and subscribed. Thank you brother.
Thanks for being my therapist this weekend. I’m trying to improve my communication with a new coworker who interrupts my work for insignificant issues and expects my immediate attention. I write medical software and it’s tedious, stressful and takes immense concentration. We communicate via a messing system and I indicate my status as “busy” if I need to concentrate. Most people send emails unless something is urgent. The coworker who keeps track of IT requests will message me with non urgent questions about these requests when my profile clearly indicates I’m busy, and is very insistent that I drop what I am doing to answer her questions.
I’ve gotten snarky with her several times, and I don’t want to. I have mentioned this to other coworkers and they said OMG! I thought it was just me”. I work very hard and have no patience when someone continually wastes my time. You have given me several ideas on how to deal with the situation without losing my mind and being rude.
J you are one of the person whom i stumbled up on and never looked back. I moved to US in late 2021. Culture, language and nuances are different then where I come from. I am multilingual. English is my 2nd language and even though I am proficient at work environment ( superficially) I actually struggle coordinating my thoughts ( I do lot of code switching) also I am trauma survivor and suffer from anxiety.
You have helped me develop my language and confidence. It do feel empowered. I make notes of your statements and practice it in real world and come back to board ( what worked and what does not)
I loved your respons in this podcast about why not.' Its not best for me right now' and 'I need to make a different choice' it was like wooaahh 😮 thank you for what you do. If you think i can help you in anyway it would be my honor. Appreciate you so much! ❤
Know your worth! Fabulous. I used to say sorry...I don't do that anymore. I also don't allow myself to be guilted into things anymore. It is completely OK to say no.
For Elton John, “sorry seems to be the hardest word”. For me, it is “no”. I have so much difficulty in this regard. I have to police myself about not giving people explanations. Your video gave me choices for answers, after a “no”, in case of insistence on elucidations. Very grateful for your sharing of your wisdom, Mr. Bopst…
Oops, I used the wrong name for you, Mr. Fisher. I guess my cataract surgeries are still into the healing mode. Sorry…
Thank you… again for encouraging me. I was raised to be a people pleaser and at age 66 I find myself slipping back into that. With my husband as my biggest supporter I’ve come a long way. With you teaching me whether thru my inbox or podcast, I feel like I can just say “No”. Period. Can’t wait for your book
Me too!
Agreed!
I am learning so much from the wisdom that you share in improving interpersonal relationships and asserting my own self interest with difficult, oppositional people. It gives me confidence and hope for improving an area in my life that I have been extremely challenged with. Jennifer🙏
Emotions are so contagious. Getting sucked into a disagreement is too easy...I'm going to try to toss it next time! Thank you for useful, common sense suggestions to be able to communicate more easily and effectively.
I’m in marriage counseling right now, and he has a knack of flipping things around onto me. We end up in huge fights! What do I do? How do I not allow him to push my buttons. He seems to have narcissistic tendencies in his personality. Makes it hard! I enjoy your remarks and content, I listen to you every day on Instagram!
Keep learning and living and building your power to be you regardless of who is around you. I sometimes wonder if this process you speak of is simply our opportunities for self growth for becoming better more resilient people. I empathize with where you’re at and hope that what we learn through this content can help us to live respectfully on our own terms.
Narcissist. There it is. Counseling will be a waste of time because the problem is not the marriage
You can't win that's their plan, don't answer . He doesn't care if the marriage works. Go to counciling by yourself , you don't deserve being treated that way.
The best way to handle a narcissist is do not react you just admitted that he pushes your buttons so he knows what he can do.. Think use your common sense
A marriage should not be a competition - don’t feed your spouse’s narcissistic tendencies by arguing. Politely say you aren’t engaging and walk away - go outside for a walk - you’ll live longer for walking and for protecting yourself by not engaging! ❤❤❤
Appreciate you giving actual real tools to approach difficult conversations. They need to be had!
Your podcast has helped me in every relationship I have, even when I do not remember the exact responses you give. There is something in the ambiance, the character, in the quality of the counsel. Thank you.
I love all your tips - so simple and direct. Many of us always say Sorry first, and always offer excuses. When you do that, they counter the excuse, so I stopped doing that. I remember when I was a little girl and would ask my dad a question he didn't want to answer, or if I asked Why?, he'd respond, "You writing a book?" I find that to be a lighthearted response, meaning "none of your business." And I knew he wasn't going to give me an answer.
Ha! I've been asked ... "writing a book or part-time cop"? 😅
I'm learning so much from these! Asserting myself and saying no without a back up explanation really helps. That stops others from challenging my explanation which intern is challenging my answer of no. Thanks Jefferson!
Glad I found your podcast. I'm 65 and wish I had this information years ago. Thank you
Your podcast is FOR EVERYONE!!! Thank you!!
Your videos have been so helpful for me, that I've decided to include them in my sons homeschool curriculum for this semester: Communicating Effectively.
Saying “No, thank you” is direct yet polite and suppresses my need to give an explanation. Also, I have never been questioned when I’ve said “I don’t want to,” and a supervisor once mentioned it in a group setting, saying that when they heard me say that they realized I was someone who knew their boundaries.
I just wanna say thank you for this channel.
I never binged on podcasts..but 4 u jefferson..its a feast...thank u ..from India.
This one hits home for me as it's something I struggle with. Thanks for making it so simple to say what's best for ME - wow! What a concept! Thanks, Jefferson!
When we discover our value and what it is that is important to us, we find it easier to say no to other people’s needs, wants, and desires for our lives.
I was told look at a situation as a spectator . Detached and separated like watching the TV you don’t have to go to every drama you are invited to. No answer, is still an answer!
Learning too not answer in a peaceful, cinfifent way rather than passive-aggressive punishing silence is something I need to practice
I sure could have used your advice a week ago. When you know better you do better! I'm grateful I found your channel.
Hi Jefferson ! I can appreciate what you shared with Karlie on how to respond to the “why not” question . That why not comes up so often in one’s everyday conversation . Thank you for sharing your knowledge on how to have healthier conversations which helps me personally with initiating my boundaries in my conversations .
Jeff your channel is so helpful and amazing. I’m a new executive at 30 years old, so I get written off a lot. I am working towards becoming coo for a major company one day and am currently working at proctor and gamble. It gets very intimidating and everyone likes to tell me be confident and assertive but humble and empathetic but no one tells me how. That is besides you! Keep doing what you’re doing, your advice and podcasts are invaluable to people everywhere! Thank you!
Jefferson, I love all of your podcasts and suggestions. Communication with people, especially with difficult ones, became so much easier. Tips about not being in picking up garbage business is wow 🤯 so much needed to hear! Thank you 🙏
Thank you. Your videos work both ways. Teaching people how to set and respect boundaries.