Avoiding a Difficult Conversation Because You’re Afraid of Their Answer? (Matthew Hussey)
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 16 เม.ย. 2021
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Sometimes we avoid speaking up about what we really want with a person because we’re afraid we will “make waves” in the relationship.
We come from a place of fear and anxiety. “What if me telling him I want something to be different makes him walk away altogether?” we think to ourselves.
So we ignore the conversation and silently suffer. But then nothing gets better. We just put off the conversation for another day while time keeps moving on.
If this is you, this video is for you.
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The best advice I’ve ever gotten was from my mom. She said “If it’s the right person you’re not afraid. You’re not afraid of difficult conversations, fighting etc because you know you’ll find a solution together”. That right there is how I knew that I had found the right person.
I needed to hear this , thank you.
Sound advice
Karma is real!
There's nothing to be afraid of!
I've seen & heard all sorts of date rape &all:
Going on a date with someone, who invited you a glass of wine, you may be thinking that its okay, until you wake up all panic:
Knowing you have been drugged & what that person had done to your body!
Still, you can't let some bad people shut down your chance of meeting the right person!
Let karma handle the once mistake of knowing that someone!
Cheers!
I’ll remember that one. All the relationship advice I got from my mom was “how much money does he make??”
After a week of thinking
I finally decided to speak up what makes me feel uncomfortable from his behavior...
but then my message was ignored..
If you lost it, it's because you're meant to find something better. Trust, let go, and make room for what's coming.
-Mandy Hale
I liiiiiìike it
Expressing your needs does not make you needy - you are standing up for yourself to get what you deserve.
Yeah but in their own mind they may look at it as if you are needy if their attachment style is Fearful avoidant/Da
Thank you for reminding me that there is something better for me. My needs are important.
I feel like you over exaggerating what’s being said wym standing for yourself like you being bullied or sum expressing your needs yeah sure .
I reckon 😢
“Everything’s all good, until you start making waves” - I felt that.
If someone is not willing to have a conversation, if you are scared to have a conversation in the first place, that is a red flag. Fear is something we make up. We cannot lose that which is meant for us. If it's a good relationship, there are no scary conversations.
“You may find yourself grieving the love you thought you lost but instead, you should be relieved to have lost the reality you had.” This is everything ❤️
Id like to think that if you have those difficult conversations and find out that the person you are dating can't meet your needs, you're one step closer to finding the person that is a right fit for you. The right person will meet your needs and be willing to work something out so you feel secure
I love when you say having the conversation doesn’t ruin the reality, it ruins the fantasy. We keep all the situations in our heads and all the out ones and that fear, paralyzes us but, practicing saying what you want helped me stay in the present of what the relationship ACTUALLY is!
Needed to hear this Matthew. I do this ALLL the time.
I had this exact conversation last fall. Didn’t get the outcome I wanted, but I prepared for the worst. After being upset for a bit for the fantasy and “what could’ve” been I felt SO empowered, strong, and heightened self-worth having communicated what I wanted and leaving when it couldn’t be delivered. They weren’t the right person, and it gives me more time to find someone who is!
Hey hey, out of curiousity, did you find someone already or are you still searching?
I wish I could tell this to my younger me. I love 'the fantasy element' part. You are not losing a relationship, you are losing a fantasy. How true...
The right person makes the difficult conversation easy, or at least, fruitful. And guides you to a path you haven't imagined, that will be beneficial for both of you.
Thanking the universe that I am at such a point in my life that I finally met that one man that enables me to confidently say this.
I let go of my boyfriend because he didn't want to understand my needs, i lowered my standards and desires just to make the relationship work and I realized that I was angry and sad more than I was happy. I let him go one and half years ago and I am single now. I am extremely happy with the decision I made and so content with my single life. The next time, I won't stay too long in a situation that makes me really uncomfortable. So anyone who is in the same situation, your needs are valid and valuable, listen to your self, be good to yourself and if your partner doesn't care about your needs just go to your own way. A better relationship with yourself is more important than an unpleasant relationship with someone who makes you feel miserable.
Word!
Love this
My guy was flaky just like that and I finally called it quits. Couple couple of months later he said he regretted ignoring me and I’m giving him another chance.He admitted that he does not know how to do this. . So far he’s doing very well but now I am not afraid to walk away if he falls back to his old patterns, And I won’t wait months to do it.
I'm with you toooo.. it's so hard with someone connecting mentally at a sensitive level and physically. I want to say your feelings are valid, and so far exercise, hobbies and friends helped me out of the rut.
Hi I'm Randy
You don't mind me sending you a direct message id'love to talk to you
I think the strongest thing you can do is to let somebody know that you love them but also walk away when their behavior isn’t acknowledging that they understand your worth. I think a lot of people have this twisted image or if you love somebody you can never leave them no matter how bad they treat you. It’s like I love you, but I love me more.
Choose YOU! If you don't choose you, why would you expect someone else to? Last summer , I was in this same exact situation. Things ended with this conversation & it hurt. Honestly, as much as I liked him, I couldn't imagine still going out with him now & making all the sacrifices while accepting his lackluster efforts.
Same.. it took me a year to find the strengh to face him and have a true conversation about my needs.. because everytime he promised but then never changed... so in the end I understood that I could not keep hurting myself to have him in my life, also because he was only thinking about himself, and not my needs. He didnt care I suffered as long as he could still use me when he wanted to. So in the end I cut him off my live and it was THE BEST THING I ever did for myself. I still feel so proud, even if it took a long time to feel better and process what had happened to me... I was being manipolated and I wasn't myself anymore. Now, I finally can say I am back to being myself, and HAPPY. He's dead to me, I feel like I am reborn, he no longer has power over my mind. I felt ashamed for a long time because of how weak I was with him before, but it feels so good when you finally are able to stand up for yourself. I hope nobody goes through what I went through.. but we are so many... We need to learn to love ourselves more than any guy out there (exept the ones that really care about us and SHOW US - not just empty words..).
@@Violet.Claire.88 I'm so happy you found your strength and CHOSE YOU! You're worth it!
@@Violet.Claire.88 congrats to you for being Strong and choosing u and not wasting more yrs
@@Violet.Claire.88 buried him in your heart, without flowers😉
as a stranger who's been through the same, i just wanted to say, I'm so proud of you 💛
Omg Matthew, your timing is simply impeccable. Kinda scary in a way, but definitely most welcome. Thank you 😄
Maybe that’s not Matthew. Maybe it’s God. 😉🤷🏻♀️
This is so true. I have had to do it few times. Just recently in fact. It's so very painful, but i know, at the same time, there's a sense of self respect and empowerment you get from doing it. The alternative is much more painful and harder to recover from.
This message needs to get into my subconscious. My life would be 500X easier if I could just internalize it.
I just realized that I began doing this a few months ago... not the negative things... the positive ones! 😇 I’ve cried a lot of tears bracing myself for the worst outcome knowing I’m a survivor with a tender heart and had the conversation. It was amazing to see the man in front of me be astounded that I couldn’t read his mind! He was making plans for us and putting things in place for a future together!! Love is an amazing thing when people stop being afraid. He was as nervous to talk to me as I was to talk to him! 🙃 We are BOTH working on communication 🥰🤓
*"You may find yourself grieving the love you thought you lost, but instead you should be relieved to have lost the reality you had," YES.* 👏👏👏
So true. Amazing insight.
When you said relieved to have lost the love you thought you had.....that hit
The first rule of interpersonal connections is "Never chase love 💕, affection 🤗or attention. If it isn't given freely by another person, it isn't worth having."
Therefore, if a woman, by expressing her desires, makes the waves 🌊 or rocks the boat🛥, let it. If this provokes a man becoming seasick 🤢(elusive, flakey, full of excuses, defensive), sway the boat a little more, so it casts him overboard. Don't throw him a boat lifebelt (don't lower your standards, don't be desperate, and don't settle for less than you deserve), hold the helm firmly (keep the dignity and self-respect) and simply sail away👋. It's a sure-fire way to avoid becoming an emotional shipwreck (wasting time, energy, nerves) on an uninterested or MPI guy 👦 😁.
I had the conversation after watching this video. He said he didn't know what he was feeling right now. I'm pleased that I spoke to him as it highlighted his lack of interest and I was able to move onto the next.
Exactly . It’s soo important to have difficult conversations because it gives you clarity
Basically my life motto. Expect nothing from everyone, that way i'm surprised with the minimum but also never dissapointed when there's nothing.
I did this recently. I faced my biggest fear and even though it didn’t go as I hoped it would I feel proud of myself and I’m not afraid of rejection anymore. I think this is one of the greatest videos you’ve ever made.
I should just play this on a loop all day until it sinks in. LOL
I had the conversation when my gut was telling me to which was after 2 months of consistent dating/communication. At the start I wanted to be sure we were both looking for the same thing, a meaningful relationship, however after asking where we were at during the talk he admitted he had issues/wounds that needed therapy, that he was a self confessed player with women and he knew he was going to eventually hurt me and break my heart Thank goodness I had this conversation, and I listened to my gut. I cut things off immediately, I imagine he would’ve strung things out for months longer enjoying the benefits where my feelings would’ve intensified whilst he was still out shopping!
"She's not losing the fantasy, she's losing the Reality" 👌... Must keep that in our minds all the time before dragging ourselves with the wrong person.
This was me for 6 years. Anxious and nervous about bringing stuff up. Thank you for helping me see that I lost a fantasy, not a reality.
Whatever outcome you fear by having the conversation will likely happen anyway so have the conversation, your time is way more precious. The biggest learning by far from the disintegration of my 14 year relationship. Matthew, as always, is on the money.
This is EXACTLY what I needed to hear today. Thank you.
Beautiful thing about interrupting in your own video is there are no skip add buttons! Well done! For real though, I'm a guy and I listen to all the content. This is for us men too! We can learn to be real men, understand women, make women safe, and be gentlemen to the women in our lives.
You’ve been KILLING it lately! Love this. Choose YOU, fight for YOU. If you don’t, nobody else will. And I promise, each time you speak on your needs, it gets a little easier until you realize that the benefits of speaking your needs outweigh the difficulty of asking for those things until it becomes how you operate. It’s a journey, not a destination!
The eloquence and articulation of this man is beyond ordinary! Thank you, Matthew! 🙏
Thank you Matthew. Ever since I first started watching your videos, you have been such a huge help in order to get me through a very tough period of my life that I didn’t know I had the strength or ability to do. Things may still be rough at times, and unsettled but, I am so much stronger now. Much more than I’ve ever been. And I owe a big part of that to you. Thank you 🙏🏻❤️
This spoke to me so so strongly and it was incredibly valuable to receive this advice. Hits the spot! Can’t thank you enough Matthew, quality content as always ! Grateful of your enlightening coaching videos ❤️
Omg you are angel!!! I'm healing right now from this exact thing. Thank you so much for giving me advice on how to respect myself ❤
I just had this conversation with this amazing widower I had been dating for 8 months. It didn't go the way I hoped it would. I have been deviated about the breakup. Thank you for reminding me that my needs are important.
I just did this with a friend. I had a conversation saying I value our connection but felt we had become acquaintances not friends anymore. I was prepared for him to say he was out, but he didn't and said he appreciated my honesty. He was someone I had once fancied as a partner and these videos made me realize that boundaries and standards are important and I hadn't communicated that properly. Thanks Matthew, your videos have helped and inspired me.
This is exactly the thing that I need. I'm about to broke up with my boyfriend because he don't care about my needs, and this is so difficult because I still love him. This video gave me the courage that needed to do that. Thank you!
Thank you so much for this video!! It has opened up my mind even more. I had to subjugate my needs in my last relationship very much which made me really unhappy. I was too afraid to speak up for myself because of the fear of loosing the other person
Spot on. Don’t settle, ladies!!
Thank you so much for the video Matthew!
So beautifully said Matthew. I will have to rewatch it over until it sticks 😊
Hey Matthew, I think you provide very good guidance for people who don't know how to handle such things. I just did "The talk" today and even though it didn't turn to positive end, I feel relieved :) Thank you
Matthew G ... Thanks so much for coming up authentic and reach the heights to the top . Conversation cant work without being vulnerable to express what's important and build the relationship around that answer .It's a standard One set for the Happiness and not to compromise on the wrong happenings is rightly said by You .It's to know what one can give ,not just take.Thanks so much once again and be on the top always . Regards and Much Care 😘
I broke up with a friend, our close friendship ended and yeah, I'm grieving what we lost but have so much more peace in my life now. I can second this message. Hang in there through your grieve, you'll be better for it at the end my dear.
Damn even when I think some of his videos won't relate to me he just HITS
Yep. These are some of the nastiest discussions we have because some of us are not used to asking. And others of us aren't used to considering the needs of our counterparts. Superficial and egotistical times in the dating field. Keep it up, Mat! ✌
Thank you, Matthew. Just thank you.
Thank you for this advice. I want to ask someone I like what their intentions are (what kind of relationship would they like to have) and I want to not be afraid to discuss this. I agree with what you said too about making sure you're at peace with the worst possible outcome.
Love your advice 💕 changed the way I have approached so many things.
I needed to hear this! Thanks Matt!
Omg! I really adore the logical stuff you come up with! I bet if you'd ever make a video of "how to stop smoking" that would have helped tons of people!
I think it's important to think of it as 'our' relationship.
But when they hold most of the power... and you're doing most of the work to make any of it awesome... You have more power and brilliance than you understand.
If you can't ask for what you need, then it's their relationship, not yours too.
And that is no way to live this one short life.
Wow, never been so early! Matthew, thank you for your videos! They have been a rescue for me lately
I needed to hear this today.
Thank you , this is helpful. I need to apply this elsewhere in my life .
It's like you knew I was gonna need this today! I've had anxiety about having this conversation with this guy for weeks, I just couldn't be in the right mindset to do it... too scared to loose him forever I guess
Always helpful videos, thank you!
Beautiful. Thank you🙏❣️
This advice is pure gold. But the main reason I am hesitating on asking for what I want from him right now is timing. We have a good friendship, and we are both out of serious relationships. I think we need time to heal a little first before I try to rush this conversation.
Sweetheart if you need time to heal. Take the time to work on yourself and give you that full attention. Hence, your mind should be in wanting a relationship with him at all. Any thing else is xxv trauma bonding. That been said when u are in aww of you, your needs dont require you to 'find a good time' to have ask for what you need. U will be giving it to yourself automatically. Light and Love😘
Best video yet, thank you
my best friend is like this, and I had an open conversation with him about how I felt. it was the most meaningful conversation that we had this past week.
Thanks so much for this
wow, just thank you matthew, thank you
Wow!! Your videos get better each week. Thank you!! 🙌🏽😊❤
This is so helpful ❤️ Thank you Matthew ❤️
If you are afraid to have the conversation, deep down you know what the outcome might be. Losing the illusion might be scary and heart wrenching. But in the end of the day, if your needs are not being met, expressing them and being vulnerable is your best shot at having the relationship that you want. I don't think Matthew mentioned it, but If you don't speak your mind, you're also depriving the other person of truly knowing you so they too are loving someone that does not really exist. And what's the value of being loved for something that we are not?
did you read my mind today? i am in an exact situation...thanks for the help
This literally is my situation. It’s early but I’m always asking for meet ups. Always the one texting first or being kept on read or being ignored when he’s actually online. I did try and ask if he wanted to continue meeting and I get responses such as “don’t be silly.” My response was “I won’t be arranging meet ups any more, if you want to see me then make plans.” I got in return “touché.” THAT WAS HIS RESPONSE. it’s killed me mentally and I’ve had to come off social media due to this plus a lot of other things going on in my life. If I’m online I find myself checking my phone too often.
I'm in this situation also in a beautiful relationship with what I thought a loving man, but I'm having my doubts of how genuine he is because he's now asking me for 💰 money 😥
Ouch. This person sounds...not ideal haha. To put it nicely! You, on the other hand, sound caring, albeit a little preoccupied by being online (as we all are). Hope the outcome of the situation serves you, whatever is next.
Total ouch! He is playing you and enjoying it. As difficult as it must be, move on from this asshole. He doesn't care enough about you, or else he wouldn't of responded the way he did. You deserve more than this guy that is gaslighting you by saying things like, "don't be silly."
Thank you guys. I’m trying to keep myself away from it. I don’t usually “catch feelings”. And I hate that I have :/
Classic gas lighting tactics telling you "dont be silly" your not being silly hen. Match his energy and no more.
Powerful advice
Thank you ☺️
True thanks Matthew
Excellent! Spot on!
I needed this. Thank you
thanks for your advices
This video came at a perffffect timing lols About to head into a hard convo and I was freaking out. It’s like you’re telepathic with all of us haha
Oh Matthew i needed this a month ago 😢
This is so helpful!
I was afraid of having the conversation.then I did have it..And then he lied.5 years later I found out he cheated the whole time.
I broke up with him and now I am picking up the pieces,what I learned?
To see the red flags and to really listen to the answers.
Rich and much needed content hussey keep up with that 👌
Loving this. It's about me. Going to have this convo real soon.
Amazing...that must be sold not told that how good it was.
Amazing video great advice
Holyyyy cowww this is amazing advice. So incredibly happy that my relationship ended when it did. Thanks Matthew!
Thank you 🙏
Thank you! 🙏🏼
For real 😔
Making waves is a MUST! Just a couple of months ago I didn't take the difficult conversation with a guy I ended up seeing a little over a month because I was afraid. I finally did, and found out we were not near on the same page and then stopped seeing each other. I was hurt. Not because I was emotionally involved, but because I was hoping and dreaming about something else (the fantasy), and that had been shattered. Rejection can feel like bodily pain. But like Matthew says, the conversation is crucial to our well being. If I hadn't been shy of conflict, I had asked him sooner and been okay, because I hadn't been as involved. So these are gold nuggets to take away from the video:
"Grieving the love, you thought you lost, but instead be relieved to have lost the reality you had."
"Afraid that we have the difficult conversations in life, we will lose something we cannot live without, and we are afraid that our life as it is right now, is it not enough to get back to. Build our confidence to the strongest it has ever been we can lose anything in life, and still be okay. Still be okay, more than okay. Happy! And if we know we are happy how we are, we are able to say no to say no to anything that’s wrong. We will never settle in our life."
Yes. Wish I knew this sooner & ended up getting too emotionally involved & invested 💔 thinking he wanted a serious relationship all along being breadcrumbed led on, & put on the back burner then finding out he didn't want anything serious, to be a steady boyfriend, or get married again for 3rd time because his attachment style was fearful, dismissive avoidant opposite of my anxious preoccupied. Behavior was inconsistent & casual who was phobic commitment somewhat. He prolly found me to be too needy, clingy & available which he kept being avoidant & inconsistent of emotional unavailablity. Then I found out that I was only a rebounder from his previous ex gf recent relationship ( never mentioned anything of it) where I ended up being ghosted cause he went back with the ex gf as he was still in contact with her while we casually dated until he could no longer deal with my attachment style, maybe got bored, lost interest, & then he eventually discarded. So now my lesson was learned & will know better next time around to make understood the needs we need to have to be with a potential partner as I heal from being ghosted & 💔
Another words we are all like a tree. The roots are solid & the leaves & branches fall or break off.
@@dianneciresi6324Thanks for sharing. It might not have been the best experienced, but you've learned so much! This experience will help you in the future when you meet someone. Also was the guy as great as you thought he was or expected? Doesn't seem like it, I would say you dodged a bullet. Real love will accept you as you are, flaws and all.
Needed this
So true, of every relationship.
Life-changing 5 minutes.
👏👏👏 It had happened to my just last October and I'm relieved that I just let it go and not pursued/ engaged with him after he flaked on our third date.
When I broke up with my 1st boyfriend I wanted to understand relationships better and I found you Matthew. That was 11 years ago. I watched your videos every week since. I feel that I grew up with you. Like we're family haha. Except that you don't know me XD I've witnessed you grow up. Myself, I've become good at reading people. Too good. I know what they think and what they want before they say or even before they do. Sometimes it's like I can read their mind. And I am still single. Not that I don't get asked out, I do. I just want Someone who can understand me the way I understand them. And I won't find it, Matthew. This time you can't help.
Similar thing happened to me. I got really into relationships and got exposure to all these relationship professionals when my ex boyfriend broke up with me 4 years ago. I was heartbroken. I feel like a part of me growing is what I learned from these professionals. When I was with my ex, the only resources I got online were articles (by random people) and Disney couples, which are very unrealistic. So obviously, I made mistakes. After I got exposure to what really happens, I realized having a relationship like a Disney couple is .0000000001% chance of happening.
Matthew has really helped me see how relationships really work
@Matthew Hussey. this feels sketchy....I just checked your channel...
@Matthew Hussey. thanks, not sure whether this is scam but you may want to consider hiding your private number
Hello - thank you for that.
Spot on❤
So interesting. Eye literally just had this conversation 15 min ago.
Hope it went well!
me too :)
@@Jack-oz7wb thank you, babe! Yeah, it was needed.
@@Elena-iu2nn yay! X
Eye? As in I? 🧐 haha
I had the conversation. Then a decision was made that we shouldn't be in a relationship where I felt 2nd best, to everythg that was coming his way. Next couple of days I caved and went back to limbo relationship. I'm still learning, but only when I can be at peace with the worse case scenario, love myself more will I be able to accomplish this.
Thanks to this glad to hear it👍💞
100%
Lose the fantasy, and embrace the reality.
My wife has left me alone pretty much since October of 2020. Kept telling me she wasn’t messing around or cheating. She went and met another man in December and I found out in February of this year.
We agreed to try and work this out but conversations with her were in one ear and out the other. This weekend was her birthday and our anniversary, she planned a trip to Nashville with her new man a while back and yes she went on that trip this weekend.
I’ve come to realize I have been trying to win someone back who doesn’t want me too. Even now as I write this I know that. I wish I could personally talk to this man already lol 😂 cuz these videos have been helping me out a lot, thank you Matthew.
Thank you Matthew I may just reach out to you after all if that’s a possibility I’m sure you’re a very busy man. But if you have some time I’d be sure to talk.