@@stardust1ism You can just say to self you can. And focus on something else when you're in that situation completely remove your mind from that equation..it's that simple. You'd be surprised how it works like a charm. Good luck 👍
This is why i love being in isolation for 90% of the time. When i interact with another person, especially if they are narcissists or rude, it takes me hours to recharge from that encounter.
Bravo. I spent most of my adulthood doing my best to keep my criminal parents in my life without bringing me harm. The well intentioned and well adjusted would insist “you only have one mom, dad” and one day -9 years ago I realized I only have one life. I don’t know why I wasn’t born with their defects and abusive tendencies or how I didn’t end up like them but I’ll never forget the moment I read Seneca at 16 “we can’t chose our parents but we can choose whose children we become”. Thank the stars!
On the other hand I've spent most of my life attempting to undo the harm that my socially conformist and yet privately violent parents manged to inflict with particularly spectacular success. I mean _someone_ has to keep up the demand for intoxicants as well as provide employment for those engaged in the legal profession, right? l was somehow imbued of the good sense or at least the good fortune to neglect the fathering of any offspring but perhaps you can see where I'm clumsily attempting to go with this.
Agreed. Having worked with a wide variety of people who experienced abuse and trauma, the difference is stark between people who make choices intentionally vs. those who let the past dictate their behaviours.
@@CitiesOfAsh no joke what a shallow thing to say. I just came by to check things out but looking through these comments, sounds like a lot of lonely people. 😅 Hump okay then lol
@@CitiesOfAshwhat you're saying is ignorant actually. You know how many people become criminals because they think I'm damaged and nobody understands me. My uncle from El Salvador lived there during the Civil War and saw dead bodies in the street everyday. He could have used his " damage" to become a bitter person but he makes an honest living and leads a clean life. You must listen to lots of drill rap with that bullshit you said. You probably think oh well they're in a tough situation so that makes it okay to be violent criminals. Your thinking is highly flawed. Obviously I'm not discrediting other people's trauma but to use that as an excuse is fucking bullshit. That's what therapy is for. It's not the world's responsibility to understand you
Yes - and for the people we love. I did not have the clarity to go No Contact until I saw how my relationships with toxic relatives was impacting the people I’d chosen to be in my life. My life with my fiancé flourished, my friendships got deeper and my love for life itself became stronger. It was because I was AVAILABLE for them in a way I could not be when I was always navigating the murkiness of my family.
You are a bit obsessed with smelly people! Unlike in Rome we have deodorants and toothpaste so this is a less frequent problem. Nasty people or sometimes just stressed out people are more the problem.
My friend, the key word there is "fantasized". It is a fantasy. The best thing to do is accept that the opposite is reality. People are deeply flawed. Sometimes even good people do bad things, just like sometimes bad people do good things.
YOU DO IT! AND DO NOT WAIT FOR OTHERS TO DO SO, OR DO YOU THINK OTHERS ARE IN THIS PLANET TO PLACE YOU???!! LIVE AND LET LIVE! PERIOD, IF YOU DO NOT LIKE IT, MOVE AWAY, YOU ARE NOT A TREE, ARE YOU? Stop asking OTHERS TO CHANGE but YOU BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT! GROW UP ALREADY!
If you would not accept behavior from a stranger there is no rule that says you must accept it from a relative. Being a relative gives them no free pass for bad treatment. IMO.
I agree, they don’t get a pass, but there’s also no way for us to control them, that’s where it gets difficult. You can try to properly deal with them, but if it’s too much to handle or they choose to not change, that’s when you leave them behind. You don’t deserve to be dragged down by them.
What if they get violent? I've tried to ignore narcissists before and in their absolute obsession for attention they started to shout in my face and hit me No amount of ignoring will change that
@@SamuelBlack84I scared narcissists away at work by facing them, showing them that I'm not afraid to stand up for myself. They never bother me again. So peaceful now.
@@SamuelBlack84 mine worked with bullies and narcissists who cares for their image, so when they found out that I'm not afraid to get dirty and take them down with me they backed off a little. Not sure about your situation, but be strong and walk away from them if you can, if you can't then work on a plan to get a way no matter how long, and stay calm and focus. No one can ruin your life. They have no power, only you have this power, don't give it away to them, understand?
@@blackcat138 i have neighbours like this. It's not nice since they moved in. they try and intimidate me . I'm an empath and I'm guessing the woman is a bit of a narcissist.
I too walked away from my family of origin. The environment was loveless, toxic and just superficial. It was the best choice I have ever made and has allowed me to heal from it. I have a family of my own now and a great peace in my life. Stoicism is right "you can't change people because ultimately it is out of your control".
I’ve mastered the art of loving people from a distant. At 15, my father made it easy and I didn’t spoke to him for 10 years. In his absence, I became a mother and was able to rediscover his good characteristics by focusing on how he positively impacted who I am. Like you, I did prove him wrong. It was only then, I forgave him because I wanted to learn from my parent’s mistakes and be the parent I wish I had. Fortunately, many people gifted me the luxury of their absence since. I have joy, inner peace, set new boundaries and no longer a doormat for ungrateful feet. I am still working on balance but focusing on hobbies and living in the present.
"msny people gave me the luxury of their absence" can be also apploed to us. Some people will only be conscious of what they did and accountability if we leave at the first moment
The best revenge is no revenge. The narcissist would like nothing more than for you to stoop down to their level so they can justify their deplorable behavoir. I grew up with a narcissist mother, about 12 years ago I just walked away from her without calling her out or seeking revenge or any kind of harm to her. I never looked back and my life got better by the day. She's gone now, I didn't bother to visit her on her death bed or go to her funeral. When I come across friends (appliances) of her I never talk about her. I will not keep her memory alive by doing anything to her, I kill her memory by treating myself with the respect I never got from her.
Very good for you! Thankfully none of those trolls that cannot fathom a reality different from their narrow understanding of the world -- saying stupid stuff about you should honor your parents or whatever 😂
Never stoop to someone else's lows. My Mom taught me that as a child, and I have always tried to live within that thinking. Walk away, and let them reap what they have sown.
As someone who suffered from a narcissistic mother, I could relate a lot to what you said. Now we rarely keep in touch. The quote from the movie called August Osage county gave me a great courage to leave her physical and mentally. “I can’t perpetuate these myths of family or sisterhood anymore. We’re just people, some of us accidentally connected by genetics, a random selection of cells.”
Sad, because even if your mom is narcissistic, isn't the love still there? I agree you should remove yourself if something is toxic, don't get me wrong. It just seems difficult.
@@Here4TheHeckOfItthe desire for love is there, but normal love never really develops. It's more like "I wish I could have loved them". Once I was old enough to hang out at my friends' houses, it came into even sharper focus that something was really wrong with my mother.
No contact with mine 11 years, or the Narc sister. "No contact ever again" , they are unable to change & scapegoating betrayal is on their mind always. Prof Sam Vaknin s work has been invaluable 👍🙏 for understanding the (play book all cluster B s have). Happy healing & all to play for ❤️
Most people are the common denominator of their own lives, even if they spent their whole lives denying that fact. Problem with relocating to get away from problems, is wherever you go there you will be. Perhaps moving truly was the simple solution that works out, but most of the time it's not. One aspect of every complicated relationship between people is that it takes two.
Keep up the great work! I love your videos. I am from Sri Lanka. I left a narcisstic, abusive, gaslighting husband after a 20 year marriage of agony. He's NON-EXISTENT IN MY MIND. I've moved on with my job and two adult children, happily indeed. You only need yourself and just a few loving and reliable people to live your life to the fullest. Philosophy and literature have been my panacea; needless to mention, the videos of yours as well👏💜
I am so happy for you. I agree with having only a few key people in my life. I have many family members who accuse me of isolating and maybe that’s true with me and maybe with you. But if we are happy, that is all that matters.
I’m about two years into not having contact with my mother and I have to say it’s one of the best decisions I’ve made in my adult life. She’s an over the top narcissist, does not take accountability for her actions, violates boundaries purposely, and flat out lies on a regular basis. I had enough. When I was growing up, it was just her and I for the most part. We have a small family. I’ve watched over the years how many relationships she’s had (business, romantic, friendships) has ended in them being the asshole according to her. Nothing is ever her fault or the result of her behavior. I couldn’t stand this any longer because it was only a matter of time until I was the target of her demented thinking and narcissistic behavior. She thrives in chaos and causes it willingly. It’s like it gives her some sense of purpose and joy. So glad she’s not in my life any longer.
Oh yeah it's called "narcissistic supply". They DO thrive on the chaos like an energy vampire. My mom is a narc too. Congrats on realizing and getting to a healthier place.
The stoic suggestion that I liked the most was yours. Leaving family, especially a parent, takes strength. I have left family and friends, and your video helped to validate my actions. I rarely look back. Thank you.
Most problems are blessing in disguise, it make us stronger and confident but first it must tear us down it could mentally, spiritually or physically but it would make us stoic it sucks because of the pain but it could be seen as beautiful once we master what use to tear us down. No pain= no growth Pain+faith+resilience= growth Trust the process❤
I saw this advice on dealing with bad drivers, at a highway rest stop. It said “It isn’t your job to teach others how to drive.” That could well be applied to many other areas of life where we encounter people not behaving. It’s not our responsibility to correct them. Good advice, but often sooo hard to follow!
teaching driving is complex n some people just cant master some things as well as others. thats all it is. if you use that saying as an excuse to be lazy uninvolved, nonchalant n simply a bystander all your life, then thats your choice. other sensible stoics who believe in the dao will help the downtrodden and attempt tocorrect misbehaviors. Yet, the outcome is still up to other person, but now you've done your part.
As the daughter of a covert narcissist mother, I had to block my mother's phone number years ago. I relate and approve. Spread the message! Only see her two times a year. No hate just protecting myself.
Its going on 2 years for me. Pretty sad, but its been one of the best decisions that I've made. My father is a very impossible man and a big source of my torment for longer than I needed. You must find courage to leave the table, if respect is no longer being served.
When I was 12 my mom remarried a narc. That was 1992. Couldn’t figure out why he was so weird and everything was about him. One day years later maybe 2014 I googled his behaviours and the word narcissist came up endlessly. I read lists like 10 traits of a narc. Every list he was fully checking 8 9 or 10/10. He was abusive and still same so I keep myself and kid away from him.
Same experience here, my father is a horrible narcissist, broke off contact 10 years ago. My mother has issues too, she never helped me, even when l really needed it. They talked bad about me behind my back, now I'm all isolated from my family, they don't even reply to my messages. Even so I'm better off now, that's how bad it is. The thing l see as the biggest problem is people don't believe parents can be bad people apparently. Thanks for the video. 👏✌️♥️
Several years ago I was diagnosed with PTSD as a result of of my relationships with my parents and brother. Within days of my diagnosis, I ended all contact with them. It was one of the best things I could have done for myself and I have no regrets. Thanks for sharing your experience.
@@cinderellacc Along with therapy, studying stoicism and eastern philosophy helped me greatly to overcome my fears and anxiety. I wish you well on your journey.
you're living with the symptoms so what would change but for the better if you get a diagnosis? I get that if it's not official then we can deny it but that also keeps us from getting help with our healing. in the end, I stopped worrying about what a diagnosis would mean (a stigma or no longer being able to overlook my family's sadism) but living with PTSD proved more miserable than accepting reality and reworking myself. ❤️🩹
As someone with a similar parent I can relate. I love the example with smoke in a room as you can always choose to not react and just leave if it becomes unbearable. Until then you can try to keep a healthy distance to the source of smoke. I like your content and also read your book, so have this little thank you at this point musical greetings from a fellow contemporary and try-to-be stoic
Over time I've learned to walk away & stay away forever, from aresholes/difficult people. They never brought anything positive to my life...& I learned they never will. Best to throw away forever & only share your time on those you feel aligned with.
Apreciate how you get personal about it, i can really relate. The more i seem to get to know more about your personal life the more i see why i listen to your stoic videos and not others.
It’s very courageous to share something that personal. Congratulations on your first steps of healing! Cutting of a narcissist is the only way to survive, now, you are still angry, it’s ok, it’s normal, it’s human, continue healing, talk about it as much as you feel like it, you are not alone. Fetch deep inside of you, you will find everything you need to move on.
I suddenly feel more connected to you. I have cut ties with my narcissistic family and am now more happy. I work to better myself away from them, not to prove anything to them.
I'm very grateful for your channel, and greatly appreciate your personal disclosure. I come from the cluster B swamp as well. Stoicism has become an important tool for my mental health.
Thanks for sharing your personal story. I know this type of person all too well. You made the best choice, and left the relationship. Narcissists will never change because they never do anything wrong and nothing to apologize for. “You must be too sensitive” “You must have misheard me, that’s not what I said” The worst people in the world to have to deal with.
Just got out of a relationship with one and it's been about a week and I slowly feel my energy returning even tho I've been hard at it in the gym and fitness.
When you run up against someone else's shamelessness ,ask yourself this: Is a world without shamelessness possible? No, then don't ask for the impossible, There have to be shameless people in the world, and this is one of them ,the same for someone vicious or untrustworthy or with any other defect. ~Marcus Aurelius
I love that quote and it has helped me tremendously in dealing with my reactions to people who I am supposed to be in ideological conflict with. I am the "libtard" of my neighborhood and while it breaks my heart that we've become so divided, I refuse to be less of a good neighbor because that is ALL that matters.
I'm so grateful for this channel. Sometimes I question whether I'm intolerant, or whether there really are a lot of unpleasant, narcissistic people out there. I seem to encounter a lot of them and it makes me feel very drained. I spend most of my time alone. My best friend was my beloved cat but she very sadly passed away. Sometimes I wonder whether to become a recluse with animals, but I do like the company of good, kind, warm people who are respectful, insightful and fun to be with. I've been trying out different social groups and I have encountered some good people but domineering unpleasant types tend to take over the groups, especially if they have zoom events (through Meetup). I'm going to try out some more in person groups. One slight positive is it makes me really appreciate my own company more and find peace in it.
Ruminating on the wrongs done to me and having vengeful thoughts is “drinking the poison and hoping the other person will die”. Exhausting and self defeating. I now take the perspective we can only act according to our level of consciousness at the time. That goes for me and difficult people I encounter. This enables me to see their behaviour in a more detached manner. I find I can even become more compassionate toward them, recognizing they are really messed up (rooted in their past experiences, and view of the world) and I am so glad I am not living their life. This does not absolve them from having to experience the full consequences of their choices and actions (broken relationships, trouble with the law, etc.). If they want something different, they have to change themselves. Even though I am not Buddhist, I find that when vengeful, angry thoughts arise, I send them the silent Buddhist intention: “May you be happy, may you be peaceful, may you be free from harm”. I helps me immensely.
Well stated but I take the Taoist approach. The best action is no action. Observe the moment and move on to the next one. Time, if such time comes to pass, will bring a reply.
I have limited my contact with my father due to the abuse I went through as a kid. There comes a point when you realize that enough is enough and that you are under no obligation to continue anything that brings you harm in the long run. Watching this made me realize that I used to believe that I was entitled to a good father who will help me realize myself and build me up, but watching this made me realize that I am not.
My dad is also an undiagnosed narcissist. So, that part is truly appreciated and relatable. I have been in actual pain for a few months now, dealing with my demons of trying to justify leaving him and feeling guilty for not continuing to be a good child in his life. So, stoics are right when they say going against your virtues is a way of injuring yourself. This is becoming a comfort channel for me.
This is very good description of how the action of retaliation will taint a good person. However it is okay to defend yourself. So the difficult balance lies in how to remain calm and still rise to your own defence. Or rather to not leave your own house every time there is smoke there, but not let the smoke maker inside. Or get them out. While staying in control of your perceived injury. I think I came full circle and now I have the answer. It's a perception change. These things these smoke makers do aren't injury to you, but to the persons making the smoke. However your house is your temple so by allowing them to stay and you to leave would be giving up you position as the temple's maintenance and bouncer guy. So there lies the answer is it's your job to keep the temple clean of bad air and morale. It always starts within ourselves of course. However handling clear bad behaviour with a professionalism of a butler rather than hot headed bouncer will be a difference of night and day.
I am an introvert. I grew up with toxic relatives and it was more difficult for me to find a way to overcome their bad behaviour and selfish attitude. I improved my social skills and learned to be confident and assertive. If anyone is rude and obnoxious I would deal with them by using humour at their expense. However, some people have limited emotional intelligence so there isn't much that anyone can teach them anything other than to lead by example.
Remember this one : Once you step down to their level (enemy/bad people), they already win... By keeping your virtue and silence... Either you'll hurt them or you might win them on your side...
When he talked about his personal experience I felt like this channel really is so connected. We all go through things & we all seek knowledge here. Thank you for sharing your story!
This is such a wonderful video - thank you so much for making it! I myself cut off all contact with my mother in 2017, for very similar reasons to yourself and your father. For five years I was free of her stressful behaviour, until last year when she died. She had alienated all of her family and so no-one was left to deal with her apartment after she died. I eventually had to go do it because there was no choice and it just opened up old wounds, due to having to go through her life’s possessions. I have gone through stages of feeling guilt because she literally died alone, which no-one deserves, however I could not have been a part of her life, due to the hurt and stress she caused. Such a dilemma! I guess my only piece of advice would be to make yourself fully unreachable from a hurtful family member, so that when they pass away, it cannot be made your responsibility to pick up their pieces 😢
You did the right thing! Dont beat yourself up you did the best thing for you at the time nothing wrong with choosing better for yourself! Her decisions led her there, I can tell youre a kind soul with a good heart dont blame yourself or anyone for this and always remember your not alone! The hardest part is always letting go.
Naomi, I teared up reading your comment. I cut off contact with my mother about a month ago for the same reasons (narcissistic behavior throughout my life). She's now in her mid-70s. I can't fathom what it will be like when she passes.
@@rumpeldumpel675 thank you for your kind comment! All I can say is that you’ve made the right choice, no-one should feel like they have to put up with that sort of behaviour, even from their own parent. I don’t regret my decision, but I won’t lie, it’s taking me a long time to try to stop feeling guilty for her having literally no-one when she died. With that being said, it was of her own doing, she pushed everyone who cared for her away and I cannot imagine I’d have wanted to be there with her towards the end. The years of hurt she caused couldn’t have been undone, even in her dying days.
I honestly shed a few tears while you mentioned your personal experience with your father. Basically, without knowing the details, I felt very attached to what yoh have said there. I also feel heavily relieved in a certain way, listening to your videos and reading about stoicism, which always had a fundamental place in my life through school and university the more I think about it. People even misjudge certain related attributes as "You just do not care." yet reality is: I do. I do care, I take care for myself, which is the only true thing I actually can do, while others can only do so as well." Working in a field of education and the general social sector with (difficult) children, parents and not often co-workers as well, its tough to find a place, yet I have a (although still far) goal ahead of me, which I might reach one day - thanks to some of these lectures. Thank you again for sharing these. You are helping and I wish you the strenght and patience you might seek and need to overcome whatever struggle you might face.
Thank you for making your previous video about loneliness. I think it’s one of your best and most honest videos on the channel. Please continue making videos 💙🤝🏽
I have a similar situation with my father whom I havent spoken with for months and I was also shunned by most of my family due to idealogical reasons. Whether its family or any person in general, specifically those that are jealous haters, the best way I learned to handle this and, in a sort of way have revenge, is to focus on me and live my life happily. I went after my goals right after all this happened. It was painful at first but I released it and the rest of it served as fuel to reach my goals. Though I have a feeling they'll think I'm using this success as revenge now that you mention it.
WALK AWAY ! End the cycle and cut contact put boundaries emphatically, the only best way to deal with energy suckers. Most importantly is, choose your battles and only go through when it yields to a better outcome. Sometimes confrontation is necessary. For other people who are stuck and can't walk away instantaneously from an emotionally draining situation, endure till you get more able & independent, then never look back !
Thank you so much for this video and for sharing about your personal experiences. I can relate to many things you said - especially about being clear on our limits (what we will and won't tolerate in relationships) and moving away 'if there is too much smoke in the room.' It's not easy but it is an important step in protecting our peace of mind.
Man... Thanks for getting personal. I was wondering why you click with me so well - because of the similar upbringing. Putting the narcissist's implemented inner self-sabotage voice to healthy perspective where it belongs was hard, but it made me stronger. And you helped with that a great bunch. Thank you.
It's funny how you brought up this subject as I am currently dealing with this. The way I deal with it is by walking away. A narcissist is nothing but an actor, meaning you are but a prop in their reality show. Once you realize it was all fake, then you realize there is nothing there for you to hang on to. You can't dwell on something that never existed. By walking away you take away the one thing that matters most, and that's your reaction. You may not get instant satisfaction but know they can't stand it and in the end it is you who has the last laugh.
""If you wouldn't let a stranger into your house for fear of invadiing your privacy, why would you let them into your head, the most private place of all?""
Accepting reality takes a little bit of humility. We are all weak and inadequate one way or the other. We all have bad days and some times bad life. Can't blame people if they are anti-social and am not surprised that we all are in some way. Over the years, with countless failures and still failing though diminishing in terms of dealing with unpleasant people, I've come to accept the unpleasant people and unpleasant episodes from myself as a by product like feces and urine is to the body. It just is. The important thing is how much I can wash away all the things I find repulsive in myself. Let the others worry about themselves. It's their problem.
Agreed, the universe itself is a place filled with ''bad'' or ''harmful'' things and events, but without these, the ''good'' things and events would not be possible. Take our sun for instance, it really is a just matter of distance and how strong your planets atmosphere is which determines if the sun is good or bad. Without people display bad behaviour, most of us would never feel the need to look at ourselves and reflect to see if we too sometimes display bad behaviour. And without misfortune we absolutely would not have stoicism.
I also cut all contact with my father because I thought he was "crazy." as I put it when I made that decision at eleven years old. When I began learning Psychology much later in life, personality disorders specifically, I realized he had most of the criteria for NPD as well as very clear ASPD. I can't help but wonder what my life would be like if I had continued to see him on weekends (my parents divorced when I was an infant) But with this level of mental illness there's no denying that you're better off not having people like this in your personal life. Even if that person is a parent, a sibling, a child. Some parents will say that they would never "abandon" their children no matter what they did or how they acted. But every person has a limit, a breaking point, beyond which they will no longer accept any further abuse. I am reminded of a scene from the movie Basketball Diaries. Where Mother and Son are pressed again opposite sides of her door, the lock latched. She won't let him in because he's homeless and addicted to heroin and she has had enough of the abuse. She calls the police and the scene ends with them dragging her son away while she weeps for him and herself. In such a sick world we have to learn to take care of ourselves in a healthy way. If that means a life of solitude and few, if any, close relationships, perhaps that's what our future as a species will look like.
Hey, I believe you did the right thing. I have loose contact with my father after my parents divorced when I was young. For many years, I thought my life would have been better with more contact from my father. Looking at him more objectively now that I'm older (55) and seeing how his second family turned out, I am so very glad that there was little contact or influence from him in my life. I'm better for the lack of him. Perhaps you are too? You're brave to have made that decision so young and it sounds like it was exactly the right thing to do. Bravo!
Philosophics, Oritory and Rhetoric should be a Primary required class throughout Highschool. Would aid the common person in Critical Thinking, communication with others, and day to day life. But we cant produce Critical Thinkers in Schools. Critical Thinkers make bad Worker-Drones (most use the word Bee) Children must obey and not question authority ever. Its quite impactful a system on those who both meekly obey, and those who starkly resist. The school system needs. Needs a Revisal.
Excellent video and very honest assessment of your personal challenges. The truth is some people just aren’t reachable. I know that I can only control my own mind - not someone else’s… and logic/reason rarely works with these folks. They have to learn the hard way and in so being are a gift. They are a gift because they demonstrate to everyone else around them what to never be. Their folly serves as a teachable moment to others- maybe even to themselves if they hit rock bottom.
Outstanding video, it is very courageous of you to share your struggles with your father. I hope that on day that relationship will be repaired and restored.
Really great video! Thanks for highlighting your personal struggles with your father and the juxtaposition between living Stoic philosophy and managing the pain of having someone close to us repeatedly inflict emotional and mental damage. I think having healthy boundaries and refusing someone access to our lives coalesces quite well with Stoic philosophy as we are utilizing Wisdom, Courage, and Justice in the act of doing so. We can be prosocial and forgive those that harm us without spending time with them. Cheers!
Well, I’m a daughter of a narcisist mom and by now she was able to drain the last drops of my energy. I had such potencial but year by year “smelling this smoke” all things were destroyed. My social and romantic life, my little peace at home, my work and now I’m sick, on psychiatric treatment and investigating a possible heart arrhythmia at only 37. My sister commited suicide years ago. I have no money or strength to get out even though I know I need. I inhaled too much smoke that I can’t even stand. I’m on the floor and my only chance is to get rescued by someone or I’ll just be there agonizing until I die… 😢
unfortunately you will have to realise nobody is coming to save you except yourself as it is nobody elses job. no hunky fireman is going to bust through the door and throw you over his shoulder and take on your problems. only then will you get out. a bit like drunks or drug addicts, they have to seek help themselves, they have to want out. you cant do the work for them.
🌺How you doing?! I hope you were able to get away and living happily elsewhere. Yeah how to make a go of it when weakened w illness and no money. good thoughts n prayers r w you.. 🕊️🙏💖✨✨
Thanks for your channel. My heartaches for that troubled son but you have a wonderful soul you have helped many people with your content plus your calming voice. Wish you have peace & best of luck!
I needed this reminder. It’s another bit of the stoic philosophy that is an obvious statement of existence, yet that human folly forgets because it is so obvious. Thank you. Edit: Also, your description of your father reminds me of my younger self. Before I decided to take my own journey for growth and healing. Interesting. Makes me want to compare my old self with the DSM-5 now. Just to answer my minds curiosity.
People don’t realize the gift of making oneself vulnerable by telling a personal story about one’s relationship with a parent. Not some TikTok click seeker, someone who asks them self multiple times before hitting upload, Do I want to put this out there? It is a brave thing to do when the intention is to shed some personal introspection based on the subject at hand. It makes the listener more prone to respecting the speaker because they show that they carry burden too. Thank you for the gift.
I cut off my relationship with my narcissist mother in 2019. Although it has gotten better, the ruminating is the worst part. We have more in common with others than we know. I do like practicing stoicism..it helps. Good luck to you👍🏼🌎☀️💙
Again, I appreciate the openness and personal touch. I too have several family members that I had to distance myself. It was hard at the moment, but now that I’ve been away, I just…get it. Appreciate the video!
Ways to deal with a narcissisic loved one: **Be honest about their behavior.** Dont let them convince you that what they're doing is good when it clearly is not. **Separate admirably.** Weither it's by your choice or theirs, space and time is almost always needed. **Leave room for possibility.** While it may work out better to completely cut them out of your life, it is wiser to leave them an opening to return as long as they: • Apologize honestly for their previous behavior, • State *AND* show they they are willing to kill their ego (be less or no longer narcissistic) **Forgive, but never forget.** Allowing them to fix the issues they've caused is a healthy path to recovery, however if they start up bad habits, be honest and upfront with them.
Same story with me. I have a narcissist father, tried all my childhood to show him my success, even started a company, won a national competition... but nothing was good enough. I have eventually given up and stopped putting energy into futile attemps.
I want to thank you for your understandable philosophy content for me As a person who is not a fluent or native English speakers, It somehow really simple to understand, not to much babbling, Thankyou for this quality
I am thankful for this video. I am one of those people who didn't leave his narcistic father. I have thought about it many times but in the end i have succeeded to turn our bond into a postive one. Now we can actually even talk normally about things. I didnt do it with stoicism though. I used dosed confrontation. My mom, sister and brother were on the same page as i was, that helped a lot.
Good on you for doing this for yourself. People don’t realise how important our root system is to our thriving & resilience. They “cut off” totally (Murray Bowen-Family Systems Theory, used in Family therapy & Social Work extensively) You’ve given yourself & any relationships & children you might hve the biggest blessing. Good luck to you, I did similarly, it gives you your self respect as an adult back.
@mgkos, thank you for the acknowledgment. I've met individuals who've completely severed ties with their parents, but I've always sensed the loss of their roots. Rebuilding a relationship with a narcissistic parent is challenging. It begins with openly addressing the issues, especially since the narcissistic parent often tries to conceal their behavior. However, this approach is effective only when you're not the only one taking this stand.
the best course of action would be to be indifferent. as if you think about someone's good side someday you will remember how bad they are when they do something bad again and it will just continue in a cycle(i was doing this for quite a lot of time some days i will be like no they are good and someday i wish the worst upon them). the best path is of indifferent towards their bad and good behaviour and do what you want without the sense of getting revenge.
Finally, someone not afraid to use 'clickbait' thumbnails as they meant to be - telling you the conclusion of a video premise, assuming that you are interested in its content regardless of fact, that you already know the answer. I appreciate that.
Wow this resonates in so many ways! Thanks for making this, but you had no choice but to do so because you're on the path of understanding and attempting to.
I have a chronically toxic individual living next door to me, his behavior has crossed the line to criminal but the police won't help. I have used stoicism to help cope. Knowing there is a community of people who are using this philosophy to better themselves, makes me feel good. Thank you for this video!
The first thing to do with ourselves is to heal our wounds by looking at our entire life. We have to see both the hurts we received but also the one we did to other. By realizing the hurts we did and trying after to apologize and if possible to repair the damage we did it will be easier after to forgive to others by judging them less severely. Becoming humble and wiser is the best way to see the reality of things without all the over emotional reactions associated to them. After that dealing with suffering people like narcissists or crazy people because easier. Nevertheless to let space between toxic people and you is a good strategy as soon as you are sure that THEY are the problem and you’re are aware that you’re not going away to escape from…yourself .
Epictetus’ statements on revenge are… unfortunately, only something I realise the truth of after the fact. Revenge and retribution are so short-lived that I am often left wondering if I ever considered my retribution fully realised; and that’s the thing with trying to attain retribution for a time that someone has caused you harm - through betrayal or otherwise - it’s a hit, not a contentment. I did not feel better after trying to get back at the person who hurt me many, many years ago, but I have learned now that the best thing I could have done would have been to be at peace with the world and how it is, and understand that some people are they way they are and that it doesn’t say something (maybe, anything at all) about me. Thanks for sharing this video.
For dealing with narcissistic people, as said in the video: enough is enough, find a way to escape and never turn back. This is the right choice. For retribution, for the terrible experiences in my life, I let go already. I like the sayings in the video: since so-and-so has injured himself by doing me some wrong, shall I not injure myself by doing him same way. Never stoop down to their level, it’s not worth it.
Well done well spoken - and that which you shared and realized come from within you the stoic view is an echo - the hearing of which is health to the heart and peace to the mind. Carry on and shine the warmth of our light - life in Being
I'm sorry to hear about relationship with your father. I have a similar situation with mine, but my kids are pretty much my mom and dad's only connection to the outside world, so I allow visits, but keep my interactions to a minimum. It's tough.
Wow, that story hit close to home. It’s been 2 years for me now and I keep reflecting that somehow I’m the bad guy, but that is exactly what the narcissist tries to achieve. The break from my toxic father has led me down the path of stoicism and I’m truly grateful for that!
Brilliant video as always 👍🏻 I always have something of noise cancelling with me, but usually these people talk so loud it pierces right through that. So I’ll just keep asking myself the same question: “Don’t these people care?” Or know that they are a burden to the rest?” I’ve had some situations where I said something and got a lot of shit and threats in return, so I try to avoid that nowadays. It doesn’t feel like giving up, I just think that there is no reasoning with these people and I don’t want anymore negativity to add to my day. So I just expect there are ignorant and annoying people everytime I go out and when I don’t run in to them during the day, I’ll see that as a win 😅 Also; having the same troubles with my narcissistic father…I still have contact, but on my terms. Made my life a whole lot more peaceful 😊 Thanks again for this great video! Groetjes uit Den Haag 👍🏻
I was a kid the first time I heard the expression "revenge is a sucker's game". But the one who said it misunderstood what it meant. She claimed that it meant that when you take revenge, then the other person takes revenge against you, then you retaliate against them, and the cycle goes on. It wasn't until many years later that I learned the true meaning behind the expression; when you take revenge on someone, you almost always put yourself in a position that is far worse than if you just hadn't taken revenge at all. You end up hurting yourself and making your own life more difficult. Now, I just let karma take care of it. I don't mean karma in a mystical sense, though. I mean it in a way that bad people will eventually get what's coming to them, due to their misdeeds and bad reputation. The best part is, I am completely guilt free and get to enjoy a bit of schadenfreude as a bonus.
How beautiful it is to remain silent, when someone expects you to be enraged.
Yes silence is our greatest weapon. The greatest reaction to toxic people is no reaction. Give them no attention, for that is what they only seek!!
So beautiful so sweet like honey 😋
Makes them act more nuts. Incredibly satisfying.
I wish I had the strength to do this
@@stardust1ism You can just say to self you can. And focus on something else when you're in that situation completely remove your mind from that equation..it's that simple. You'd be surprised how it works like a charm. Good luck 👍
This is why i love being in isolation for 90% of the time. When i interact with another person, especially if they are narcissists or rude, it takes me hours to recharge from that encounter.
So trueee for me too🙂
Me too John.
Sometimes days and not hours.
It takes time to clear the spiritual stench those folks give off.
takes me half a day to get over the migraine I get by not bloodying their lip.
You aint lyin
Bravo.
I spent most of my adulthood doing my best to keep my criminal parents in my life without bringing me harm. The well intentioned and well adjusted would insist “you only have one mom, dad” and one day -9 years ago I realized I only have one life.
I don’t know why I wasn’t born with their defects and abusive tendencies or how I didn’t end up like them but I’ll never forget the moment I read Seneca at 16 “we can’t chose our parents but we can choose whose children we become”.
Thank the stars!
Powerful…🙌🏻
You really don’t have one life but i get what you’re trying to say but it still doesn’t work that way
On the other hand I've spent most of my life attempting to undo the harm that my socially conformist and yet privately violent parents manged to inflict with particularly spectacular success. I mean _someone_ has to keep up the demand for intoxicants as well as provide employment for those engaged in the legal profession, right? l was somehow imbued of the good sense or at least the good fortune to neglect the fathering of any offspring but perhaps you can see where I'm clumsily attempting to go with this.
wow. Bravo comment.
Actually, you have two lives. The second one begins when you realise you only have one
Sometimes the best thing we can learn from jerks and damaged people is see them as an example of what not to be.
Dont be damaged? a lot of things that happen to people aren't damage caused by themselves. Ignorant thing to say.
Agreed. Having worked with a wide variety of people who experienced abuse and trauma, the difference is stark between people who make choices intentionally vs. those who let the past dictate their behaviours.
@@CitiesOfAsh no joke what a shallow thing to say. I just came by to check things out but looking through these comments, sounds like a lot of lonely people. 😅
Hump okay then lol
I totally agree!! @@CitiesOfAsh My parents are abusive narcissist assholes...I try and be the opposite of them.
@@CitiesOfAshwhat you're saying is ignorant actually. You know how many people become criminals because they think I'm damaged and nobody understands me. My uncle from El Salvador lived there during the Civil War and saw dead bodies in the street everyday. He could have used his " damage" to become a bitter person but he makes an honest living and leads a clean life. You must listen to lots of drill rap with that bullshit you said. You probably think oh well they're in a tough situation so that makes it okay to be violent criminals. Your thinking is highly flawed. Obviously I'm not discrediting other people's trauma but to use that as an excuse is fucking bullshit. That's what therapy is for. It's not the world's responsibility to understand you
Removing yourself from toxic people's lives is one of the best things you could ever do for yourself 🙏
That's why I abandoned my children at the mall, you need to cut toxic moochers out of your life.
@@BrotherCaptain36 That's the spirit! 🤜🤛
True, which means I spend a LOT of time alone, although it doesn't bother me. 😂
Yes - and for the people we love. I did not have the clarity to go No Contact until I saw how my relationships with toxic relatives was impacting the people I’d chosen to be in my life. My life with my fiancé flourished, my friendships got deeper and my love for life itself became stronger. It was because I was AVAILABLE for them in a way I could not be when I was always navigating the murkiness of my family.
You are a bit obsessed with smelly people! Unlike in Rome we have deodorants and toothpaste so this is a less frequent problem. Nasty people or sometimes just stressed out people are more the problem.
I just sometimes fantasized and wished that we lived in a society where people were more conscious of their actions and kinder to one another.
wish that sincerely
Sounds like a vegan planet
My friend, the key word there is "fantasized". It is a fantasy. The best thing to do is accept that the opposite is reality. People are deeply flawed. Sometimes even good people do bad things, just like sometimes bad people do good things.
I like what I say in parting to service people. . . -
Don't let the Assholes
bring you down!
YOU DO IT! AND DO NOT WAIT FOR OTHERS TO DO SO, OR DO YOU THINK OTHERS ARE IN THIS PLANET TO PLACE YOU???!! LIVE AND LET LIVE! PERIOD, IF YOU DO NOT LIKE IT, MOVE AWAY, YOU ARE NOT A TREE, ARE YOU? Stop asking OTHERS TO CHANGE but YOU BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT! GROW UP ALREADY!
If you would not accept behavior from a stranger there is no rule that says you must accept it from a relative. Being a relative gives them no free pass for bad treatment. IMO.
No passes for anyone, not even your wife or partner, nothing can get in the way of your tranquility and being one with your nature.
Exactly
I agree, they don’t get a pass, but there’s also no way for us to control them, that’s where it gets difficult. You can try to properly deal with them, but if it’s too much to handle or they choose to not change, that’s when you leave them behind. You don’t deserve to be dragged down by them.
There is a difference between relatives and family. You are born with relatives. But you choose your family. Family do not have to be your relatives.
No one is entitled to a relationship with anyone! Family (of origin) often act like no member have any choice in continuing relationships
Often, the best way to deal with such people is to show them the attention they deserve--none at all.
What if they get violent? I've tried to ignore narcissists before and in their absolute obsession for attention they started to shout in my face and hit me
No amount of ignoring will change that
@@SamuelBlack84I scared narcissists away at work by facing them, showing them that I'm not afraid to stand up for myself. They never bother me again. So peaceful now.
@@blackcat138 It doesn't help me
@@SamuelBlack84 mine worked with bullies and narcissists who cares for their image, so when they found out that I'm not afraid to get dirty and take them down with me they backed off a little. Not sure about your situation, but be strong and walk away from them if you can, if you can't then work on a plan to get a way no matter how long, and stay calm and focus. No one can ruin your life. They have no power, only you have this power, don't give it away to them, understand?
@@blackcat138 i have neighbours like this. It's not nice since they moved in. they try and intimidate me . I'm an empath and I'm guessing the woman is a bit of a narcissist.
I too walked away from my family of origin. The environment was loveless, toxic and just superficial. It was the best choice I have ever made and has allowed me to heal from it. I have a family of my own now and a great peace in my life. Stoicism is right "you can't change people because ultimately it is out of your control".
I’ve mastered the art of loving people from a distant. At 15, my father made it easy and I didn’t spoke to him for 10 years. In his absence, I became a mother and was able to rediscover his good characteristics by focusing on how he positively impacted who I am. Like you, I did prove him wrong. It was only then, I forgave him because I wanted to learn from my parent’s mistakes and be the parent I wish I had. Fortunately, many people gifted me the luxury of their absence since. I have joy, inner peace, set new boundaries and no longer a doormat for ungrateful feet. I am still working on balance but focusing on hobbies and living in the present.
❤️❤️ this is encouraging thank you
“I am not a doormat for ungrateful feet.” I am saving this quote. Thank you for this gift.
The gift of their absence is a great quote
"msny people gave me the luxury of their absence" can be also apploed to us. Some people will only be conscious of what they did and accountability if we leave at the first moment
"many people gifted me with the luxury of their absence" was great 😂 rich and sassy all at once
The best revenge is no revenge. The narcissist would like nothing more than for you to stoop down to their level so they can justify their deplorable behavoir. I grew up with a narcissist mother, about 12 years ago I just walked away from her without calling her out or seeking revenge or any kind of harm to her. I never looked back and my life got better by the day. She's gone now, I didn't bother to visit her on her death bed or go to her funeral. When I come across friends (appliances) of her I never talk about her. I will not keep her memory alive by doing anything to her, I kill her memory by treating myself with the respect I never got from her.
Love this. Perfectly said. ❤
Some of them still feel a sense of pride when you don't retaliate because they see you as an easy target
Very good for you! Thankfully none of those trolls that cannot fathom a reality different from their narrow understanding of the world -- saying stupid stuff about you should honor your parents or whatever 😂
But now you share the memory with random people on TH-cam. its contradicting.
@@SamuelBlack84 I agree! Sometimes, there comes a point when you need to bip em on the nose to let em know what lies beneath.
Never stoop to someone else's lows. My Mom taught me that as a child, and I have always tried to live within that thinking. Walk away, and let them reap what they have sown.
Thank you for this❤.
lots of crazy people out there and allot of smart people 2. glad ur mother imparted some stoic wisdom on you -memento mori.
As someone who suffered from a narcissistic mother, I could relate a lot to what you said. Now we rarely keep in touch. The quote from the movie called August Osage county gave me a great courage to leave her physical and mentally.
“I can’t perpetuate these myths of family or sisterhood anymore. We’re just people, some of us accidentally connected by genetics, a random selection of cells.”
Just watched that movie yesterday !!! 💯 Agree
Sad, because even if your mom is narcissistic, isn't the love still there? I agree you should remove yourself if something is toxic, don't get me wrong. It just seems difficult.
@@Here4TheHeckOfItthe desire for love is there, but normal love never really develops. It's more like "I wish I could have loved them". Once I was old enough to hang out at my friends' houses, it came into even sharper focus that something was really wrong with my mother.
No contact with mine 11 years, or the Narc sister. "No contact ever again" , they are unable to change & scapegoating betrayal is on their mind always.
Prof Sam Vaknin s work has been invaluable 👍🙏 for understanding the (play book all cluster B s have).
Happy healing & all to play for ❤️
I avoid negativity at all costs...I even moved out of state to escape the toxicity. No regrets.
Which state?
But you can't run away...
Most people are the common denominator of their own lives, even if they spent their whole lives denying that fact. Problem with relocating to get away from problems, is wherever you go there you will be. Perhaps moving truly was the simple solution that works out, but most of the time it's not. One aspect of every complicated relationship between people is that it takes two.
So you are living alone?
@@JonathanVachon777 Better to live alone than being surrounded by dickwads 👍
Keep up the great work! I love your videos.
I am from Sri Lanka. I left a narcisstic, abusive, gaslighting husband after a 20 year marriage of agony.
He's NON-EXISTENT IN MY MIND.
I've moved on with my job and two adult children, happily indeed.
You only need yourself and just a few loving and reliable people to live your life to the fullest.
Philosophy and literature have been my panacea; needless to mention, the videos of yours as well👏💜
I am so happy for you. I agree with having only a few key people in my life.
I have many family members who accuse me of isolating and maybe that’s true with me and maybe with you. But if we are happy, that is all that matters.
Praise god you had the strength to leave this situation safely 🙏
"The best revenge is to not be like that"
-Marcus Aurelius
I’m about two years into not having contact with my mother and I have to say it’s one of the best decisions I’ve made in my adult life. She’s an over the top narcissist, does not take accountability for her actions, violates boundaries purposely, and flat out lies on a regular basis. I had enough. When I was growing up, it was just her and I for the most part. We have a small family. I’ve watched over the years how many relationships she’s had (business, romantic, friendships) has ended in them being the asshole according to her. Nothing is ever her fault or the result of her behavior. I couldn’t stand this any longer because it was only a matter of time until I was the target of her demented thinking and narcissistic behavior. She thrives in chaos and causes it willingly. It’s like it gives her some sense of purpose and joy. So glad she’s not in my life any longer.
Oh yeah it's called "narcissistic supply". They DO thrive on the chaos like an energy vampire. My mom is a narc too. Congrats on realizing and getting to a healthier place.
Word😢
I’m 2 weeks into no answering calls from mine. The guilt is setting in, but I’m staying strong! I’m changing the access code to my life💪🏾
@@shadowfax9177 Thank you. I appreciate that!
@@robinlarge1630 💯
I first saw this on a bumper sticker in California in 1967 - THE MORE I SEE OF PEOPLE THE MORE I LIKE MY DOG - amen. Still stands true
The stoic suggestion that I liked the most was yours. Leaving family, especially a parent, takes strength. I have left family and friends, and your video helped to validate my actions. I rarely look back. Thank you.
Me too❤
Same same 🙏, the only way forward 👍✔️
Most problems are blessing in disguise, it make us stronger and confident but first it must tear us down it could mentally, spiritually or physically but it would make us stoic it sucks because of the pain but it could be seen as beautiful once we master what use to tear us down. No pain= no growth
Pain+faith+resilience= growth
Trust the process❤
"Blessing in disguise." You get it!!
I saw this advice on dealing with bad drivers, at a highway rest stop. It said “It isn’t your job to teach others how to drive.” That could well be applied to many other areas of life where we encounter people not behaving. It’s not our responsibility to correct them. Good advice, but often sooo hard to follow!
teaching driving is complex n some people just cant master some things as well as others. thats all it is. if you use that saying as an excuse to be lazy uninvolved, nonchalant n simply a bystander all your life, then thats your choice. other sensible stoics who believe in the dao will help the downtrodden and attempt tocorrect misbehaviors. Yet, the outcome is still up to other person, but now you've done your part.
I don't get road rage. I am a tiny bit proud of this.
@@kellychubai am working on this and i am proud of you. It ain't easy !!!!
Then who will correct them?
As the son of a narcissist I haven’t spoken with in 8 years, I approve this message.
As the daughter of a covert narcissist mother, I had to block my mother's phone number years ago. I relate and approve. Spread the message! Only see her two times a year. No hate just protecting myself.
Its going on 2 years for me. Pretty sad, but its been one of the best decisions that I've made. My father is a very impossible man and a big source of my torment for longer than I needed. You must find courage to leave the table, if respect is no longer being served.
When I was 12 my mom remarried a narc. That was 1992. Couldn’t figure out why he was so weird and everything was about him. One day years later maybe 2014 I googled his behaviours and the word narcissist came up endlessly. I read lists like 10 traits of a narc. Every list he was fully checking 8 9 or 10/10. He was abusive and still same so I keep myself and kid away from him.
Good for you man. You deserve better. Fellow narcissistic abuse survivor here. You are a badass.
@@sleeperno1215 you too my friend. Thank you
Same experience here, my father is a horrible narcissist, broke off contact 10 years ago. My mother has issues too, she never helped me, even when l really needed it. They talked bad about me behind my back, now I'm all isolated from my family, they don't even reply to my messages. Even so I'm better off now, that's how bad it is. The thing l see as the biggest problem is people don't believe parents can be bad people apparently. Thanks for the video. 👏✌️♥️
Several years ago I was diagnosed with PTSD as a result of of my relationships with my parents and brother. Within days of my diagnosis, I ended all contact with them. It was one of the best things I could have done for myself and I have no regrets. Thanks for sharing your experience.
Pretty sure I have something along the lines of this. Terrified of what one does with such a diagnosis, to be as far away as possible does help.
@@cinderellacc Along with therapy, studying stoicism and eastern philosophy helped me greatly to overcome my fears and anxiety. I wish you well on your journey.
you're living with the symptoms so what would change but for the better if you get a diagnosis?
I get that if it's not official then we can deny it but that also keeps us from getting help with our healing. in the end, I stopped worrying about what a diagnosis would mean (a stigma or no longer being able to overlook my family's sadism) but living with PTSD proved more miserable than accepting reality and reworking myself.
❤️🩹
As someone with a similar parent I can relate. I love the example with smoke in a room as you can always choose to not react and just leave if it becomes unbearable. Until then you can try to keep a healthy distance to the source of smoke.
I like your content and also read your book, so have this little thank you at this point
musical greetings from a fellow contemporary and try-to-be stoic
Thank you! I appreciate it!
Over time I've learned to walk away & stay away forever, from aresholes/difficult people.
They never brought anything positive to my life...& I learned they never will.
Best to throw away forever & only share your time on those you feel aligned with.
Apreciate how you get personal about it, i can really relate. The more i seem to get to know more about your personal life the more i see why i listen to your stoic videos and not others.
It’s very courageous to share something that personal. Congratulations on your first steps of healing! Cutting of a narcissist is the only way to survive, now, you are still angry, it’s ok, it’s normal, it’s human, continue healing, talk about it as much as you feel like it, you are not alone. Fetch deep inside of you, you will find everything you need to move on.
I suddenly feel more connected to you. I have cut ties with my narcissistic family and am now more happy. I work to better myself away from them, not to prove anything to them.
i wish i could do that.. but i have my 9 year old nephew...
@@cheesecake4648 Try as much as possible to limit your contact with them.
I'm very grateful for your channel, and greatly appreciate your personal disclosure. I come from the cluster B swamp as well. Stoicism has become an important tool for my mental health.
cluster B swamp, i love the descriptor, and so do i .
Is that something like The Group W Bench from Arlo Guthry?
@@joannaedwards6325 Cluster B personality disorders: Narcissistic, Borderline, Histrionic, and Antisocial disorders.
Thank you! Nice to see that Stoicism helps.
Thanks for sharing your personal story. I know this type of person all too well. You made the best choice, and left the relationship. Narcissists will never change because they never do anything wrong and nothing to apologize for. “You must be too sensitive”
“You must have misheard me, that’s not what I said”
The worst people in the world to have to deal with.
Nasty gaslighting
Just got out of a relationship with one and it's been about a week and I slowly feel my energy returning even tho I've been hard at it in the gym and fitness.
When you run up against someone else's shamelessness ,ask yourself this: Is a world without shamelessness possible? No, then don't ask for the impossible,
There have to be shameless people in the world, and this is one of them ,the same for someone vicious or untrustworthy or with any other defect.
~Marcus Aurelius
I love that quote and it has helped me tremendously in dealing with my reactions to people who I am supposed to be in ideological conflict with. I am the "libtard" of my neighborhood and while it breaks my heart that we've become so divided, I refuse to be less of a good neighbor because that is ALL that matters.
It reminds me of when Jesus said: 'The poor will always be with you'. I feel he wasn't just talking about economically impoverished.
I'm so grateful for this channel. Sometimes I question whether I'm intolerant, or whether there really are a lot of unpleasant, narcissistic people out there. I seem to encounter a lot of them and it makes me feel very drained. I spend most of my time alone. My best friend was my beloved cat but she very sadly passed away. Sometimes I wonder whether to become a recluse with animals, but I do like the company of good, kind, warm people who are respectful, insightful and fun to be with. I've been trying out different social groups and I have encountered some good people but domineering unpleasant types tend to take over the groups, especially if they have zoom events (through Meetup). I'm going to try out some more in person groups. One slight positive is it makes me really appreciate my own company more and find peace in it.
Ruminating on the wrongs done to me and having vengeful thoughts is “drinking the poison and hoping the other person will die”. Exhausting and self defeating. I now take the perspective we can only act according to our level of consciousness at the time. That goes for me and difficult people I encounter. This enables me to see their behaviour in a more detached manner. I find I can even become more compassionate toward them, recognizing they are really messed up (rooted in their past experiences, and view of the world) and I am so glad I am not living their life. This does not absolve them from having to experience the full consequences of their choices and actions (broken relationships, trouble with the law, etc.). If they want something different, they have to change themselves. Even though I am not Buddhist, I find that when vengeful, angry thoughts arise, I send them the silent Buddhist intention: “May you be happy, may you be peaceful, may you be free from harm”. I helps me immensely.
Well stated but I take the Taoist approach. The best action is no action. Observe the moment and move on to the next one. Time, if such time comes to pass, will bring a reply.
Buddhist? You know, Jesus said that.
@christineyee2117
That's the best attitude I've heard in a while. ❤thank you
I have limited my contact with my father due to the abuse I went through as a kid.
There comes a point when you realize that enough is enough and that you are under no obligation to continue anything that brings you harm in the long run. Watching this made me realize that I used to believe that I was entitled to a good father who will help me realize myself and build me up, but watching this made me realize that I am not.
My dad is also an undiagnosed narcissist. So, that part is truly appreciated and relatable. I have been in actual pain for a few months now, dealing with my demons of trying to justify leaving him and feeling guilty for not continuing to be a good child in his life. So, stoics are right when they say going against your virtues is a way of injuring yourself. This is becoming a comfort channel for me.
This is very good description of how the action of retaliation will taint a good person. However it is okay to defend yourself. So the difficult balance lies in how to remain calm and still rise to your own defence. Or rather to not leave your own house every time there is smoke there, but not let the smoke maker inside. Or get them out. While staying in control of your perceived injury. I think I came full circle and now I have the answer. It's a perception change. These things these smoke makers do aren't injury to you, but to the persons making the smoke. However your house is your temple so by allowing them to stay and you to leave would be giving up you position as the temple's maintenance and bouncer guy. So there lies the answer is it's your job to keep the temple clean of bad air and morale. It always starts within ourselves of course. However handling clear bad behaviour with a professionalism of a butler rather than hot headed bouncer will be a difference of night and day.
Well said
Perfect wording !!!
This channel is the ultimate tribute to "Stoicism". ❤😊
His voice is so calming it adds so much value imo.
You will never know how much you have helped me. You saved a big part of my soul. I cant thank you enough.
I am an introvert. I grew up with toxic relatives and it was more difficult for me to find a way to overcome their bad behaviour and selfish attitude. I improved my social skills and learned to be confident and assertive. If anyone is rude and obnoxious I would deal with them by using humour at their expense. However, some people have limited emotional intelligence so there isn't much that anyone can teach them anything other than to lead by example.
Remember this one :
Once you step down to their level (enemy/bad people), they already win...
By keeping your virtue and silence...
Either you'll hurt them or you might win them on your side...
Yes
Rude People = NPC
My problem is that my enemies infest my old hometown, which means I can never return home 😢
¡Gracias!
Thank you!
When he talked about his personal experience I felt like this channel really is so connected. We all go through things & we all seek knowledge here. Thank you for sharing your story!
dealing with people, even with those that smell bad = you made my day
This is such a wonderful video - thank you so much for making it! I myself cut off all contact with my mother in 2017, for very similar reasons to yourself and your father. For five years I was free of her stressful behaviour, until last year when she died. She had alienated all of her family and so no-one was left to deal with her apartment after she died. I eventually had to go do it because there was no choice and it just opened up old wounds, due to having to go through her life’s possessions. I have gone through stages of feeling guilt because she literally died alone, which no-one deserves, however I could not have been a part of her life, due to the hurt and stress she caused. Such a dilemma!
I guess my only piece of advice would be to make yourself fully unreachable from a hurtful family member, so that when they pass away, it cannot be made your responsibility to pick up their pieces 😢
Jackson Browne said, "In the end there is one dance you'll do alone." (For A Dancer). It's unavoidable so forgive yourself. Peace.
You did the right thing! Dont beat yourself up you did the best thing for you at the time nothing wrong with choosing better for yourself! Her decisions led her there, I can tell youre a kind soul with a good heart dont blame yourself or anyone for this and always remember your not alone! The hardest part is always letting go.
Naomi, I teared up reading your comment. I cut off contact with my mother about a month ago for the same reasons (narcissistic behavior throughout my life). She's now in her mid-70s. I can't fathom what it will be like when she passes.
@@rumpeldumpel675 thank you for your kind comment! All I can say is that you’ve made the right choice, no-one should feel like they have to put up with that sort of behaviour, even from their own parent. I don’t regret my decision, but I won’t lie, it’s taking me a long time to try to stop feeling guilty for her having literally no-one when she died. With that being said, it was of her own doing, she pushed everyone who cared for her away and I cannot imagine I’d have wanted to be there with her towards the end. The years of hurt she caused couldn’t have been undone, even in her dying days.
@@rainmanjr2007 thank you for your kind words, such a poignant quote 💕
Love the animations!! Thank you for another awesome video :)
"The universe is transformation: life is opinion." - Marcus Aurelius
I honestly shed a few tears while you mentioned your personal experience with your father. Basically, without knowing the details, I felt very attached to what yoh have said there. I also feel heavily relieved in a certain way, listening to your videos and reading about stoicism, which always had a fundamental place in my life through school and university the more I think about it. People even misjudge certain related attributes as "You just do not care." yet reality is: I do. I do care, I take care for myself, which is the only true thing I actually can do, while others can only do so as well." Working in a field of education and the general social sector with (difficult) children, parents and not often co-workers as well, its tough to find a place, yet I have a (although still far) goal ahead of me, which I might reach one day - thanks to some of these lectures.
Thank you again for sharing these. You are helping and I wish you the strenght and patience you might seek and need to overcome whatever struggle you might face.
Thank you for making your previous video about loneliness. I think it’s one of your best and most honest videos on the channel. Please continue making videos 💙🤝🏽
Einzel, I love how pain makes you a source of wisdom for others.
Thanks for being a positive aspect in the circus of facades where perceptions can be many!
Thank you for sharing your personal story about your father as it's identical to mine and resonated profoundly.
I have a similar situation with my father whom I havent spoken with for months and I was also shunned by most of my family due to idealogical reasons. Whether its family or any person in general, specifically those that are jealous haters, the best way I learned to handle this and, in a sort of way have revenge, is to focus on me and live my life happily. I went after my goals right after all this happened. It was painful at first but I released it and the rest of it served as fuel to reach my goals. Though I have a feeling they'll think I'm using this success as revenge now that you mention it.
Your last statement made me smile 😂❤!
WALK AWAY ! End the cycle and cut contact put boundaries emphatically, the only best way to deal with energy suckers.
Most importantly is, choose your battles and only go through when it yields to a better outcome. Sometimes confrontation is necessary.
For other people who are stuck and can't walk away instantaneously from an emotionally draining situation, endure till you get more able & independent, then never look back !
Changing your situation to avoid toxic people isn't always that easy to do. Especially in work. Trying to find a better job is almost impossible
I like to see you adding some personal experiences in your videos lately. It makes them much more impactful. Thanks for the wisdom 🙏🏼
DITTO !!!
This is one of my favorite TH-cam channels - no question
Thank you so much for this video and for sharing about your personal experiences. I can relate to many things you said - especially about being clear on our limits (what we will and won't tolerate in relationships) and moving away 'if there is too much smoke in the room.' It's not easy but it is an important step in protecting our peace of mind.
Perfect timing because I'm dealing with difficult times recently
May your path lead to better days!
Man... Thanks for getting personal. I was wondering why you click with me so well - because of the similar upbringing. Putting the narcissist's implemented inner self-sabotage voice to healthy perspective where it belongs was hard, but it made me stronger. And you helped with that a great bunch. Thank you.
It's funny how you brought up this subject as I am currently dealing with this. The way I deal with it is by walking away. A narcissist is nothing but an actor, meaning you are but a prop in their reality show. Once you realize it was all fake, then you realize there is nothing there for you to hang on to. You can't dwell on something that never existed. By walking away you take away the one thing that matters most, and that's your reaction. You may not get instant satisfaction but know they can't stand it and in the end it is you who has the last laugh.
""If you wouldn't let a stranger into your house for fear of invadiing your privacy, why would you let them into your head, the most private place of all?""
Accepting reality takes a little bit of humility. We are all weak and inadequate one way or the other. We all have bad days and some times bad life. Can't blame people if they are anti-social and am not surprised that we all are in some way. Over the years, with countless failures and still failing though diminishing in terms of dealing with unpleasant people, I've come to accept the unpleasant people and unpleasant episodes from myself as a by product like feces and urine is to the body. It just is. The important thing is how much I can wash away all the things I find repulsive in myself. Let the others worry about themselves. It's their problem.
Agreed, the universe itself is a place filled with ''bad'' or ''harmful'' things and events, but without these, the ''good'' things and events would not be possible. Take our sun for instance, it really is a just matter of distance and how strong your planets atmosphere is which determines if the sun is good or bad. Without people display bad behaviour, most of us would never feel the need to look at ourselves and reflect to see if we too sometimes display bad behaviour. And without misfortune we absolutely would not have stoicism.
I also cut all contact with my father because I thought he was "crazy." as I put it when I made that decision at eleven years old. When I began learning Psychology much later in life, personality disorders specifically, I realized he had most of the criteria for NPD as well as very clear ASPD. I can't help but wonder what my life would be like if I had continued to see him on weekends (my parents divorced when I was an infant)
But with this level of mental illness there's no denying that you're better off not having people like this in your personal life. Even if that person is a parent, a sibling, a child. Some parents will say that they would never "abandon" their children no matter what they did or how they acted. But every person has a limit, a breaking point, beyond which they will no longer accept any further abuse. I am reminded of a scene from the movie Basketball Diaries. Where Mother and Son are pressed again opposite sides of her door, the lock latched. She won't let him in because he's homeless and addicted to heroin and she has had enough of the abuse. She calls the police and the scene ends with them dragging her son away while she weeps for him and herself.
In such a sick world we have to learn to take care of ourselves in a healthy way. If that means a life of solitude and few, if any, close relationships, perhaps that's what our future as a species will look like.
Hey, I believe you did the right thing. I have loose contact with my father after my parents divorced when I was young. For many years, I thought my life would have been better with more contact from my father. Looking at him more objectively now that I'm older (55) and seeing how his second family turned out, I am so very glad that there was little contact or influence from him in my life. I'm better for the lack of him. Perhaps you are too? You're brave to have made that decision so young and it sounds like it was exactly the right thing to do. Bravo!
I could've used this info 50 years ago.
😂 same minus a few years. Narcissists should never be allowed to have children.
Philosophics, Oritory and Rhetoric should be a Primary required class throughout Highschool.
Would aid the common person in Critical Thinking, communication with others, and day to day life.
But we cant produce Critical Thinkers in Schools. Critical Thinkers make bad Worker-Drones (most use the word Bee)
Children must obey and not question authority ever. Its quite impactful a system on those who both meekly obey, and those who starkly resist.
The school system needs. Needs a Revisal.
Unfortunate that is but let's not speak about should have could have would have let's talk about now and what are we going to do about it
Haha
I could've used this 2 days ago
My dad has NPD too. But I have no choice but to stay with him for a couple more years. Theses videos help me so much. Thanks for doing what you do. 😊
Hang in there ❤
Excellent video and very honest assessment of your personal challenges. The truth is some people just aren’t reachable. I know that I can only control my own mind - not someone else’s… and logic/reason rarely works with these folks. They have to learn the hard way and in so being are a gift. They are a gift because they demonstrate to everyone else around them what to never be. Their folly serves as a teachable moment to others- maybe even to themselves if they hit rock bottom.
Outstanding video, it is very courageous of you to share your struggles with your father. I hope that on day that relationship will be repaired and restored.
Really great video! Thanks for highlighting your personal struggles with your father and the juxtaposition between living Stoic philosophy and managing the pain of having someone close to us repeatedly inflict emotional and mental damage. I think having healthy boundaries and refusing someone access to our lives coalesces quite well with Stoic philosophy as we are utilizing Wisdom, Courage, and Justice in the act of doing so. We can be prosocial and forgive those that harm us without spending time with them. Cheers!
I am humbled and appreciate the opportunity to change. Keep up the good work 👍
Well, I’m a daughter of a narcisist mom and by now she was able to drain the last drops of my energy. I had such potencial but year by year “smelling this smoke” all things were destroyed. My social and romantic life, my little peace at home, my work and now I’m sick, on psychiatric treatment and investigating a possible heart arrhythmia at only 37. My sister commited suicide years ago. I have no money or strength to get out even though I know I need. I inhaled too much smoke that I can’t even stand. I’m on the floor and my only chance is to get rescued by someone or I’ll just be there agonizing until I die… 😢
Save yourself sister
unfortunately you will have to realise nobody is coming to save you except yourself as it is nobody elses job.
no hunky fireman is going to bust through the door and throw you over his shoulder and take on your problems.
only then will you get out. a bit like drunks or drug addicts, they have to seek help themselves, they have to want out. you cant do the work for them.
No one can save you, only yourself. Get up and move away, help will come then, if you seek it.
🌺How you doing?! I hope you were able to get away and living happily elsewhere.
Yeah how to make a go of it when weakened w illness and no money. good thoughts n prayers r w you.. 🕊️🙏💖✨✨
Thanks for your channel. My heartaches for that troubled son but you have a wonderful soul you have helped many people with your content plus your calming voice. Wish you have peace & best of luck!
I needed this reminder.
It’s another bit of the stoic philosophy that is an obvious statement of existence, yet that human folly forgets because it is so obvious.
Thank you.
Edit: Also, your description of your father reminds me of my younger self. Before I decided to take my own journey for growth and healing.
Interesting. Makes me want to compare my old self with the DSM-5 now. Just to answer my minds curiosity.
People don’t realize the gift of making oneself vulnerable by telling a personal story about one’s relationship with a parent. Not some TikTok click seeker, someone who asks them self multiple times before hitting upload, Do I want to put this out there? It is a brave thing to do when the intention is to shed some personal introspection based on the subject at hand. It makes the listener more prone to respecting the speaker because they show that they carry burden too. Thank you for the gift.
I cut off my relationship with my narcissist mother in 2019. Although it has gotten better, the ruminating is the worst part. We have more in common with others than we know. I do like practicing stoicism..it helps. Good luck to you👍🏼🌎☀️💙
Practicing stoicism is the only way to mentally survive an encounter with narcissists.
I just got out of a relationship and trying to heal from my narcassist ex that was terrible and live with my mother who is a narcassist its God awful.
@@daeclipse03God awful?
Who the hell are you?
You got here the same way everyone else did. Made by lust.
Again, I appreciate the openness and personal touch. I too have several family members that I had to distance myself. It was hard at the moment, but now that I’ve been away, I just…get it. Appreciate the video!
Ways to deal with a narcissisic loved one:
**Be honest about their behavior.**
Dont let them convince you that what they're doing is good when it clearly is not.
**Separate admirably.**
Weither it's by your choice or theirs, space and time is almost always needed.
**Leave room for possibility.**
While it may work out better to completely cut them out of your life, it is wiser to leave them an opening to return as long as they:
• Apologize honestly for their previous behavior,
• State *AND* show they they are willing to kill their ego (be less or no longer narcissistic)
**Forgive, but never forget.**
Allowing them to fix the issues they've caused is a healthy path to recovery, however if they start up bad habits, be honest and upfront with them.
Same story with me. I have a narcissist father, tried all my childhood to show him my success, even started a company, won a national competition... but nothing was good enough. I have eventually given up and stopped putting energy into futile attemps.
I want to thank you for your understandable philosophy content for me As a person who is not a fluent or native English speakers,
It somehow really simple to understand, not to much babbling, Thankyou for this quality
I am in agony while letting my narcissist brother go. It helps to know I am not alone. Thanks for your work.
I am thankful for this video. I am one of those people who didn't leave his narcistic father. I have thought about it many times but in the end i have succeeded to turn our bond into a postive one. Now we can actually even talk normally about things. I didnt do it with stoicism though. I used dosed confrontation. My mom, sister and brother were on the same page as i was, that helped a lot.
Good on you for doing this for yourself. People don’t realise how important our root system is to our thriving & resilience. They “cut off” totally (Murray Bowen-Family Systems Theory, used in Family therapy & Social Work extensively)
You’ve given yourself & any relationships & children you might hve the biggest blessing.
Good luck to you, I did similarly, it gives you your self respect as an adult back.
@mgkos, thank you for the acknowledgment. I've met individuals who've completely severed ties with their parents, but I've always sensed the loss of their roots. Rebuilding a relationship with a narcissistic parent is challenging. It begins with openly addressing the issues, especially since the narcissistic parent often tries to conceal their behavior. However, this approach is effective only when you're not the only one taking this stand.
@@izzydawiz7486or should they ever decide to change. Which they probably won’t. They’re narcissists.
My Stepfather has been in my life since my teens. I just call him Dad. He is stoic but very kind. I admire him.
the best course of action would be to be indifferent. as if you think about someone's good side someday you will remember how bad they are when they do something bad again and it will just continue in a cycle(i was doing this for quite a lot of time some days i will be like no they are good and someday i wish the worst upon them). the best path is of indifferent towards their bad and good behaviour and do what you want without the sense of getting revenge.
Thanks, I have been watching your channel for years and it is always informative.
You re killing it bro, big hug from uruguay
Finally, someone not afraid to use 'clickbait' thumbnails as they meant to be - telling you the conclusion of a video premise, assuming that you are interested in its content regardless of fact, that you already know the answer. I appreciate that.
Wow this resonates in so many ways! Thanks for making this, but you had no choice but to do so because you're on the path of understanding and attempting to.
I have a chronically toxic individual living next door to me, his behavior has crossed the line to criminal but the police won't help. I have used stoicism to help cope. Knowing there is a community of people who are using this philosophy to better themselves, makes me feel good. Thank you for this video!
The first thing to do with ourselves is to heal our wounds by looking at our entire life. We have to see both the hurts we received but also the one we did to other. By realizing the hurts we did and trying after to apologize and if possible to repair the damage we did it will be easier after to forgive to others by judging them less severely. Becoming humble and wiser is the best way to see the reality of things without all the over emotional reactions associated to them.
After that dealing with suffering people like narcissists or crazy people because easier. Nevertheless to let space between toxic people and you is a good strategy as soon as you are sure that THEY are the problem and you’re are aware that you’re not going away to escape from…yourself .
This video has some powerful and empowering advice and insight. Thank you
Epictetus’ statements on revenge are… unfortunately, only something I realise the truth of after the fact.
Revenge and retribution are so short-lived that I am often left wondering if I ever considered my retribution fully realised; and that’s the thing with trying to attain retribution for a time that someone has caused you harm - through betrayal or otherwise - it’s a hit, not a contentment.
I did not feel better after trying to get back at the person who hurt me many, many years ago, but I have learned now that the best thing I could have done would have been to be at peace with the world and how it is, and understand that some people are they way they are and that it doesn’t say something (maybe, anything at all) about me.
Thanks for sharing this video.
For dealing with narcissistic people, as said in the video: enough is enough, find a way to escape and never turn back. This is the right choice.
For retribution, for the terrible experiences in my life, I let go already. I like the sayings in the video: since so-and-so has injured himself by doing me some wrong, shall I not injure myself by doing him same way. Never stoop down to their level, it’s not worth it.
Thank you for sharing the personal story - truly... It makes a difference and is a great example for the topic. Appreciate your work!😊
Well done well spoken - and that which you shared and realized come from within you the stoic view is an echo - the hearing of which is health to the heart and peace to the mind. Carry on and shine the warmth of our light - life in Being
Thank you for sharing the part about your dad ❤️
This is a tough one, in reality. Glad we have this narrative in hopes of keeping our pathway as clear as possible. Thanks.
I'm sorry to hear about relationship with your father. I have a similar situation with mine, but my kids are pretty much my mom and dad's only connection to the outside world, so I allow visits, but keep my interactions to a minimum. It's tough.
Amazing. Thank you for making these over the years. I jways look forward to the next one.
Perfect timing for me to cross paths with this video. Almost as if someone is looking out for me 💜 Thanks
Wow, that story hit close to home. It’s been 2 years for me now and I keep reflecting that somehow I’m the bad guy, but that is exactly what the narcissist tries to achieve. The break from my toxic father has led me down the path of stoicism and I’m truly grateful for that!
Brilliant video as always 👍🏻 I always have something of noise cancelling with me, but usually these people talk so loud it pierces right through that. So I’ll just keep asking myself the same question: “Don’t these people care?” Or know that they are a burden to the rest?”
I’ve had some situations where I said something and got a lot of shit and threats in return, so I try to avoid that nowadays. It doesn’t feel like giving up, I just think that there is no reasoning with these people and I don’t want anymore negativity to add to my day. So I just expect there are ignorant and annoying people everytime I go out and when I don’t run in to them during the day, I’ll see that as a win 😅
Also; having the same troubles with my narcissistic father…I still have contact, but on my terms. Made my life a whole lot more peaceful 😊
Thanks again for this great video!
Groetjes uit Den Haag 👍🏻
I was a kid the first time I heard the expression "revenge is a sucker's game". But the one who said it misunderstood what it meant. She claimed that it meant that when you take revenge, then the other person takes revenge against you, then you retaliate against them, and the cycle goes on. It wasn't until many years later that I learned the true meaning behind the expression; when you take revenge on someone, you almost always put yourself in a position that is far worse than if you just hadn't taken revenge at all. You end up hurting yourself and making your own life more difficult.
Now, I just let karma take care of it. I don't mean karma in a mystical sense, though. I mean it in a way that bad people will eventually get what's coming to them, due to their misdeeds and bad reputation. The best part is, I am completely guilt free and get to enjoy a bit of schadenfreude as a bonus.