i know exactly what you mean about the sense of location shifting during disassociation. i often feel like i am "located" about 18 inches or so behind my head, kind of observing myself.
I don’t have many coping mechanisms but my big two at the minute have been journaling, pacing the kitchen. Sometimes you just need to articulate the feelings to yourself, like you do in this video, for the feeling to start to dissipate or even to find the occasional ‘solution’. And if that doesn’t work, moving around at whatever speed feels right is good! Or hugging something tight for the sensory compression.
@ it’s true! Tension manifests in the body a lot more than we’re taught to believe. There’s also a field of study called somatics that looks at how and what movement can be beneficial.
trying to find people I know in a venue full of strangers has to be one of the worst things for me, I HATE it, it makes me so neurotic. not every day is full of the certain dealing with strangers is okay energy. hope you can still do something nice, like watching a good show or something.
in my "back of head" dissociated mode, i don't feel physically far from myself but i do go on autopilot like you described. i still see everything from my own perspective but i don't interpret my surroundings how i normally do, i focus on whatever i'm doing or need to do in that moment before i can go home and really zone out. i wouldn't necessarily call it amnesia but i do find that ignoring my sense of sight makes time pass quicker and i don't remember things or notice them as much as i normally would. it kind of feels like being on a long train journey where i'm staring at the floor or dozing off.
@srldwg i'm glad, it's not something i've articulated before or even really paid much attention to! it's something i have learned to do instead of externalising my emotions over the years. i used to believe it was to do with social anxiety but no, it's a bit more than that i think lol.
Same with the disassociation stuff, like it's so surreal, in a few cases I've had it where things feel small and big too and close but far away. Disassociation is so wierd. Proud of you for trying thought ☺
I felt this too!! such a bizarre feeling, like your perspective is literally shrinking and growing, or feeling like falling in an endless void, or walking on the surface of your own body. I felt that when I was really burned out and exhausted and I could never describe the sensation to others. Thanks for putting it into words. I haven't felt it in years.
yes, your description of disassociation is exactly how it feels to me. i am definitely glad i can do that instead of having public meltdowns but yeah, it’s also not the greatest. and i’m not sure that i can actually tell how much better i am at these things now because i actually just have not been interacting with people irl at all 😅 i’m still in this phase of avoiding everything i think might cause me anxiety. pretty sure i’ve been subconsciously afraid of making connections again bc i don’t know if i have the courage to actually advocate for myself when i need to..
thank you for posting this!! coping mechanisms that work are very hard to capture and apply. i like decompressin after overwhelming moments by talking into a voicenote, or sometimes have a friend call me to talk me through the qetions i have abou =t the tate im in, specifically when dissociation comes into play. good job on marking your boundaries and not overstepping them ! take care, progress isnt linear so its okay to have moments where keeping up with a 'productive' routine and lifestyle gets exhausting, take as much time to rest as you feel you need, and pla in advance things you would like to pursue oce you fel better, thats what i do usually! very proud of you dana!!
I disassociate a lot. It is generally better for both my health and relationships than meltdowns, but I do find I don't remember much of my life very well and I've been exploring better ways to cope. Mostly this has involved finding more empathetic people to be friends with and work with, so that I'm not bullied and triggered so often. Best of luck to you and other viewers who struggle with this! 😊
It's weird, when I look up medical definitions, my usual mental state fits the definition of some type of dissociation, but it doesn't fit the lived experience I generally hear people describe for being dissociated. It's fairly pleasant and I always thought, before I knew anything about autism, that it was the normal human free-time mental state.
I don't like meeting places i'm not familiar with. Too many variables. Too many times people described something and I had difficulty identifying what they were describing / doubts that what I understood was matching what I'm seeing. Especially where there are a lot of people moving around. I always try to find someplace out in the open like the empty part of the parking lot, etc. Its not uncommon that I will ask people to come out to me. Some understand and are willing to, others don't and throw a fit about it. If someone throws a fit about it, I just walk away, literally and figuratively.
I know that shutdowns are usually described as more catatonic-like, but I interpret these experiences as a kind of mental shutdown, even if physically, I can go make myself cereal or watch a movie or whatever, that detaching from being in my physical body feels like a shutdown to me. Journaling or making a video diary you’ve committed to not posting online might be a useful way to process things that you don’t particularly want to share with the public. It’s so important to acknowledge the things we go through, and that can be hard to do when we don’t sit down to do that specifically. Honestly, probably 25-40% of why therapy helps me is because it holds me accountable to regularly acknowledging myself and what I’m dealing with and experiencing. I hadn’t been able to journal for years, but I’ve started to make more space to process between therapy sessions, and I’ve sorted through more than I thought I could on my own.
I know a lot of people have already related about your experiences of dissociation but it hit really hard hearing you describe it because I felt like a fucking freak for experiencing it for so long. I tried to explain to the GP one time how it felt by saying I felt like I was really far back behind my head and accidentally ended with "you know". And she said "no I don't". Never brought that up again aha
I don't mind this kind of video. You do you. I actually prefer this to your normal setup. This is more it reminds me of winter evenings back in my childhood where you would sit on the sofa with a cosy roaring coal fire glowing orange everywhere. I miss those days. Fake fireplace with that fake orange glow are just not the same.
I use to experience the jaw thing to the point of bruxism. I use to have stims and at some point being in more and more social settings I subconsciously poured my inner tension, discomfort and anxiety into my jaw, wrists and then just general pain. For me once I realised I was autistic, I wasn't excited I was actually super anxious and uncomfortable I started seeing that tension as a sign that I'm not enjoying whatever it is. Weigh up my options if it's something I really want or if I'm just pushing myself because of some outside influences. What you're talking about is very relatable.
The way you describe front-of-head vs back-of-head perspective reminds me of a thing I experience too, and I have tried a lot of ways of verbalizing that to google it. The results always led me to "depersonalization/derealization," but I don't really identify with those definitions. My experience is farther away than back-of-head. I have times when I see myself from the Sims game perspective, like above and a few feet back. I don't realize I'm perceiving this way until later when I go back over the memories and the visual memories are from a perspective above my head and behind me as if I was the Sims player and my body is the Sim. It's almost an automatic filter. When I think about it the only memories that aren't in this position are the traumatic ones or the very earlly childhood wonder moments of joy - those are the ones where I remember it from the perspective I actually saw it through my own eyes. Stuff like the car accident or the domestic violence worst moments. All the rest of my memores tend to come in this Sims format. Its super hard to explain or get answers on why this is.
I 100% do NOT mean to tell you what you’re experiencing, but to me that sounds like a type of depersonalization. You are not you, you are watching you. I experience a similar thing sometimes and that’s how I’m personally coming to understand it.
@ It's so interesting, but the reason I didn't identify with that word is that I don't notice it in the moment. It doesn't feel any different to me than usual. It seems like I don't know a moment was depersonalization until I'm looking back on the memories later in recall for some reason. Even thinking about myself sitting here typing this is in sims view. I don't even know why that's a thing but it feels like it's always been this way
When I was about twelve, my brother slammed the door hard on my head. I was screaming, because I thought I had just been killed. I experienced my consciousness being about two feet in back of my body. And I was thinking "I why am I screaming. I can't feel a thing." I literally was NOT IN MY BODY. Then I bounced back in. I don't think this was just a "psychological perception." I think my spirit had actually exited my body for about 30 seconds.
I'm sorry you didn't feel good, I'm glad you felt better just talking about it. I don't really dissociate or have meltdowns (it is usually shutdowns) so i can't say what i would do. I have gotten better at preventing shutdowns by checking in and feeling if i need to take a step back before it actually comes so that I'm safe at home if it actually comes. I usually just cry when it comes and feel better afterwards.
Speaking of getting emotional over a fictional character the death of Zen in Blake's 7 always brings me to tears. I mean it is silly it is just a wall with flashing lights voiced by an actor but I can't help it I love that character. I, I, I have failed you. I am sorry. I have...
I've never had either, but it sounds like the meltdowns are worse. I'd say you made the right choice not pushing yourself this time. It'll give you time to mellow out before Halifax. Now I want pizza.
I've had both. Meltdowns definitely are worse both in feeling and social consequences. If someone doesn't know you're autistic (hell, even if they do sometimes) they tend to assume the worst intentions during a meltdown and it burns bridges and causes fights. Adult meltdowns can be scary for both the person and observers.
I was trying to explain to the doctors in the emergency room one night about that feeling of things appearing to be farther away than they are. I kept trying to explain that "NO" I am not looking down at myself. I'm very much within myself it's just that everything seems far away. Like I'm 5'7" but when I look down it's like the floor is much further than that but I'm very much seeing it from my own eyes. I recently requested copies of all my hospital reports. The report from that night says "patient describes having out of body experiences". Like FUCK I did.
I have found over the many years that normal people prefer dissociation to a melt down. I have also found that not engaging, not become attached (as the Buddhists or Hindus may say) is the best solution, but is perhaps the most difficult solution, especially if you want to live a more or less normal life, as opposed to that of a monk ( or nun).
And yes, the food issue is a big one. I still don’t recognise or remember that I cannot function without eating because when I’m stressed I can’t eat. Now if I know I’m going to have to go somewhere stressful, I try to remember to have something but it’s tough!
It might be an amygdala hijacking. Have you ever heard of From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker? Great read. I wish you the best. Coming out of burnout is a complicated and slow process.
I always make a note of never saying yes when I am first asked. I will say I'll let you know them give it good thought. If it's a same day thing I'll say no as it's short notice.
hardcore relateable af. You spit facts and acknowledge actual bullshit rather than fluffing it up to make the allistics feel comfortable. (So many allistic people need therapy, holy shit. Feel your feelings or they will possess you, ffs.)
it's so strange, this shouldn't work but i did it a couple times and it did get me out of bad spirals. i guess it's deliberate attention + bodily feedback
I'd take it, my meltdowns are physically agonizing, and people who've seen them are terribly judgemental about something I have no control over and try to hide. I often have nail prints dug into my palms. I clench my teeth so hard I fractured one of my molars and developed life-threatening sepsis. A win is a win.
Yep, I disassociate when I’m around people I don’t know. I can mask for so long but at the first opportunity, I’m gone! There’s definitely something about ‘talking it out’ though. And being heard. I can be feeling awful, overwhelmed and burnt out but if I can talk it out with someone and feel heard, I’m sooo much better for it! If it helps to do these ‘debriefs’ then that’s fine😬 It’s better to try and figure out your stuff than bury it! Therapy is spendy🫢 ❤
For what it's worth this is a very nice cozy set up. I wouldn't even mind if it became your preferred mode of filming.
i know exactly what you mean about the sense of location shifting during disassociation. i often feel like i am "located" about 18 inches or so behind my head, kind of observing myself.
I don’t have many coping mechanisms but my big two at the minute have been journaling, pacing the kitchen. Sometimes you just need to articulate the feelings to yourself, like you do in this video, for the feeling to start to dissipate or even to find the occasional ‘solution’. And if that doesn’t work, moving around at whatever speed feels right is good! Or hugging something tight for the sensory compression.
Agree!
Moving around moves the stagnant energy there's actually a spiritual reason for it
@ it’s true! Tension manifests in the body a lot more than we’re taught to believe. There’s also a field of study called somatics that looks at how and what movement can be beneficial.
trying to find people I know in a venue full of strangers has to be one of the worst things for me, I HATE it, it makes me so neurotic. not every day is full of the certain dealing with strangers is okay energy. hope you can still do something nice, like watching a good show or something.
in my "back of head" dissociated mode, i don't feel physically far from myself but i do go on autopilot like you described. i still see everything from my own perspective but i don't interpret my surroundings how i normally do, i focus on whatever i'm doing or need to do in that moment before i can go home and really zone out. i wouldn't necessarily call it amnesia but i do find that ignoring my sense of sight makes time pass quicker and i don't remember things or notice them as much as i normally would. it kind of feels like being on a long train journey where i'm staring at the floor or dozing off.
Wonderful way of describing it!
You put into words how it feels for me.
@srldwg i'm glad, it's not something i've articulated before or even really paid much attention to! it's something i have learned to do instead of externalising my emotions over the years. i used to believe it was to do with social anxiety but no, it's a bit more than that i think lol.
Same with the disassociation stuff, like it's so surreal, in a few cases I've had it where things feel small and big too and close but far away. Disassociation is so wierd. Proud of you for trying thought ☺
I felt this too!! such a bizarre feeling, like your perspective is literally shrinking and growing, or feeling like falling in an endless void, or walking on the surface of your own body. I felt that when I was really burned out and exhausted and I could never describe the sensation to others. Thanks for putting it into words. I haven't felt it in years.
@SikGamer70 glad im not the one one 😊 it's very odd
When it happens to me, other people's faces and hands often also seem like they are the wrong size.
You just described my experience every time I have to meet people outside my home!!! 💚
yes, your description of disassociation is exactly how it feels to me. i am definitely glad i can do that instead of having public meltdowns but yeah, it’s also not the greatest.
and i’m not sure that i can actually tell how much better i am at these things now because i actually just have not been interacting with people irl at all 😅 i’m still in this phase of avoiding everything i think might cause me anxiety. pretty sure i’ve been subconsciously afraid of making connections again bc i don’t know if i have the courage to actually advocate for myself when i need to..
thank you for posting this!! coping mechanisms that work are very hard to capture and apply. i like decompressin after overwhelming moments by talking into a voicenote, or sometimes have a friend call me to talk me through the qetions i have abou =t the tate im in, specifically when dissociation comes into play. good job on marking your boundaries and not overstepping them ! take care, progress isnt linear so its okay to have moments where keeping up with a 'productive' routine and lifestyle gets exhausting, take as much time to rest as you feel you need, and pla in advance things you would like to pursue oce you fel better, thats what i do usually! very proud of you dana!!
I disassociate a lot. It is generally better for both my health and relationships than meltdowns, but I do find I don't remember much of my life very well and I've been exploring better ways to cope. Mostly this has involved finding more empathetic people to be friends with and work with, so that I'm not bullied and triggered so often. Best of luck to you and other viewers who struggle with this! 😊
It's weird, when I look up medical definitions, my usual mental state fits the definition of some type of dissociation, but it doesn't fit the lived experience I generally hear people describe for being dissociated. It's fairly pleasant and I always thought, before I knew anything about autism, that it was the normal human free-time mental state.
I don't like meeting places i'm not familiar with. Too many variables. Too many times people described something and I had difficulty identifying what they were describing / doubts that what I understood was matching what I'm seeing. Especially where there are a lot of people moving around.
I always try to find someplace out in the open like the empty part of the parking lot, etc. Its not uncommon that I will ask people to come out to me. Some understand and are willing to, others don't and throw a fit about it. If someone throws a fit about it, I just walk away, literally and figuratively.
I know that shutdowns are usually described as more catatonic-like, but I interpret these experiences as a kind of mental shutdown, even if physically, I can go make myself cereal or watch a movie or whatever, that detaching from being in my physical body feels like a shutdown to me.
Journaling or making a video diary you’ve committed to not posting online might be a useful way to process things that you don’t particularly want to share with the public. It’s so important to acknowledge the things we go through, and that can be hard to do when we don’t sit down to do that specifically. Honestly, probably 25-40% of why therapy helps me is because it holds me accountable to regularly acknowledging myself and what I’m dealing with and experiencing. I hadn’t been able to journal for years, but I’ve started to make more space to process between therapy sessions, and I’ve sorted through more than I thought I could on my own.
I know a lot of people have already related about your experiences of dissociation but it hit really hard hearing you describe it because I felt like a fucking freak for experiencing it for so long.
I tried to explain to the GP one time how it felt by saying I felt like I was really far back behind my head and accidentally ended with "you know".
And she said "no I don't". Never brought that up again aha
Glad you felt better by the end of the video ❤
I don't mind this kind of video. You do you. I actually prefer this to your normal setup. This is more it reminds me of winter evenings back in my childhood where you would sit on the sofa with a cosy roaring coal fire glowing orange everywhere. I miss those days. Fake fireplace with that fake orange glow are just not the same.
I use to experience the jaw thing to the point of bruxism. I use to have stims and at some point being in more and more social settings I subconsciously poured my inner tension, discomfort and anxiety into my jaw, wrists and then just general pain.
For me once I realised I was autistic, I wasn't excited I was actually super anxious and uncomfortable I started seeing that tension as a sign that I'm not enjoying whatever it is. Weigh up my options if it's something I really want or if I'm just pushing myself because of some outside influences.
What you're talking about is very relatable.
The way you describe front-of-head vs back-of-head perspective reminds me of a thing I experience too, and I have tried a lot of ways of verbalizing that to google it. The results always led me to "depersonalization/derealization," but I don't really identify with those definitions. My experience is farther away than back-of-head. I have times when I see myself from the Sims game perspective, like above and a few feet back. I don't realize I'm perceiving this way until later when I go back over the memories and the visual memories are from a perspective above my head and behind me as if I was the Sims player and my body is the Sim. It's almost an automatic filter. When I think about it the only memories that aren't in this position are the traumatic ones or the very earlly childhood wonder moments of joy - those are the ones where I remember it from the perspective I actually saw it through my own eyes. Stuff like the car accident or the domestic violence worst moments. All the rest of my memores tend to come in this Sims format. Its super hard to explain or get answers on why this is.
I 100% do NOT mean to tell you what you’re experiencing, but to me that sounds like a type of depersonalization. You are not you, you are watching you. I experience a similar thing sometimes and that’s how I’m personally coming to understand it.
@ It's so interesting, but the reason I didn't identify with that word is that I don't notice it in the moment. It doesn't feel any different to me than usual. It seems like I don't know a moment was depersonalization until I'm looking back on the memories later in recall for some reason. Even thinking about myself sitting here typing this is in sims view. I don't even know why that's a thing but it feels like it's always been this way
When I was about twelve, my brother slammed the door hard on my head. I was screaming, because I thought I had just been killed. I experienced my consciousness being about two feet in back of my body. And I was thinking "I why am I screaming. I can't feel a thing." I literally was NOT IN MY BODY. Then I bounced back in. I don't think this was just a "psychological perception." I think my spirit had actually exited my body for about 30 seconds.
I'm sorry you didn't feel good, I'm glad you felt better just talking about it. I don't really dissociate or have meltdowns (it is usually shutdowns) so i can't say what i would do. I have gotten better at preventing shutdowns by checking in and feeling if i need to take a step back before it actually comes so that I'm safe at home if it actually comes. I usually just cry when it comes and feel better afterwards.
Speaking of getting emotional over a fictional character the death of Zen in Blake's 7 always brings me to tears. I mean it is silly it is just a wall with flashing lights voiced by an actor but I can't help it I love that character. I, I, I have failed you. I am sorry. I have...
I've never had either, but it sounds like the meltdowns are worse. I'd say you made the right choice not pushing yourself this time. It'll give you time to mellow out before Halifax. Now I want pizza.
I've had both. Meltdowns definitely are worse both in feeling and social consequences. If someone doesn't know you're autistic (hell, even if they do sometimes) they tend to assume the worst intentions during a meltdown and it burns bridges and causes fights. Adult meltdowns can be scary for both the person and observers.
I was trying to explain to the doctors in the emergency room one night about that feeling of things appearing to be farther away than they are. I kept trying to explain that "NO" I am not looking down at myself. I'm very much within myself it's just that everything seems far away. Like I'm 5'7" but when I look down it's like the floor is much further than that but I'm very much seeing it from my own eyes.
I recently requested copies of all my hospital reports. The report from that night says "patient describes having out of body experiences".
Like FUCK I did.
Love watching your videos. Fantastic title
I have found over the many years that normal people prefer dissociation to a melt down. I have also found that not engaging, not become attached (as the Buddhists or Hindus may say) is the best solution, but is perhaps the most difficult solution, especially if you want to live a more or less normal life, as opposed to that of a monk ( or nun).
Guess I'm not normal. Not that it feels like a choice
And yes, the food issue is a big one. I still don’t recognise or remember that I cannot function without eating because when I’m stressed I can’t eat. Now if I know I’m going to have to go somewhere stressful, I try to remember to have something but it’s tough!
Oh yeah-I forget Original Halifax is in the UK somewhere. I'm in the USA, so I think of Halifax in Canada😅.
It might be an amygdala hijacking. Have you ever heard of From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker? Great read. I wish you the best. Coming out of burnout is a complicated and slow process.
I always make a note of never saying yes when I am first asked. I will say I'll let you know them give it good thought. If it's a same day thing I'll say no as it's short notice.
hardcore relateable af. You spit facts and acknowledge actual bullshit rather than fluffing it up to make the allistics feel comfortable. (So many allistic people need therapy, holy shit. Feel your feelings or they will possess you, ffs.)
Hi Dana have you tried eft tapping for anxiety?
it's so strange, this shouldn't work but i did it a couple times and it did get me out of bad spirals. i guess it's deliberate attention + bodily feedback
@@hawaiianbabyroseit’s a specific kind of repetitive stimming, so it makes sense it’s regulating.
@@hawaiianbabyrose Yes, I find the hardest part is actually just sitting down and doing it, I always feel better afterwards.
I'd take it, my meltdowns are physically agonizing, and people who've seen them are terribly judgemental about something I have no control over and try to hide. I often have nail prints dug into my palms. I clench my teeth so hard I fractured one of my molars and developed life-threatening sepsis. A win is a win.
Yep, I disassociate when I’m around people I don’t know. I can mask for so long but at the first opportunity, I’m gone!
There’s definitely something about ‘talking it out’ though. And being heard. I can be feeling awful, overwhelmed and burnt out but if I can talk it out with someone and feel heard, I’m sooo much better for it!
If it helps to do these ‘debriefs’ then that’s fine😬 It’s better to try and figure out your stuff than bury it! Therapy is spendy🫢 ❤