What the hell is wrong with these women who want these hundreds of thousands of dollars weddings knowing full well it's outside of their means, even if I was a millionaire I'd never marry a woman like that, let alone a cab driver
If there is one thing I believe in, no wedding is worth taking out a loan for. Have the wedding you can afford, and there are lots of ways to do budget weddings that are still lovely and meaningful without the debt. In the end, it's the marriage that matters, not the wedding.
If anything, those funds should have been used to purchase a home, NOT a stupid wasteful wedding! I'll never understand this kind of waste for ONE DAY! MAYBE, if I could afford it, but my common sense, logical mind would NEVER allow me to waste money like this on a wedding!
Dude, my wedding was around $2,200, including my wedding dress lol. We completely didn't want a big wedding, at all. There were twelve people there total, including us and the officiant. But it was still beautiful, at this gorgeous Greek restaurant in the second story banquet room. It doesn't have to be expensive to be a beautiful wedding!
In my opinion, OP did the right thing. Her Mom and Sister had no intentions of ever paying any of that money back leaving OP responsible for the payments. OP's husband needs to hush and let her handle her own family. I seriously doubt that he would have appreciated paying back that 100 grand loan. The commentors saying OP went too far...oh, please. Don't act like you would have let your family f*ck all over top you while leaving you to pay back such a large amount of money. OP, please go NC with those scammers, have a sit down with your husband explaining that he was raised under different circumstances and not in a position to judge what had to be done. Go live a peaceful life and don't look back.
Stealing? It was her money. She agreed to loan her mom money with two conditions: 1. The money was to purchase a home. And 2. Her mom was to pay the money back. Verbal contracts are a thing and her mom violated it first by misappropriating funds that legally belonged to OP to pay for her other daughter’s wedding. And then the sister revealed that they’d had no intention of paying back that money which would have left OP liable for the repayment of that money. Even the authorities would have sided with OP as the money was legally hers, not her mother’s.
People who had a healthy family never truly get what it means having to come from a bad or toxic family. While good intentioned, when it comes to your partners blood family, you should always take their lead, not whatever you think is right.
OPs mother lied about what she wanted the money for and promised she'd pay it back when she actually had no intention to! OP had every right to take HER money back!
*the bank's money. If OP defaults on the loan payments because her mum doesn't pay back the money to her, the bank will sell whatever assets OP secured it with. Her OWN assets are at risk for this stupid wedding.
Don't loan the money to broke family members. Just buy the home and allow them to stay in it if you want to take care of them. Then evict them and sell it if they don't pay their fair share.
"Chose to" isn't quite so simple when you're young, your parent is demanding it, you're the eldest, and the family needs money. If the choice is between going hungry and being homesless or dropping out, it's not much of a choice
Damn straight!!! And NEVER open your damn mouth about 💩 you know nothing about especially when it comes to family dynamics that you already know are strained at best!!!
Husband should have listened and respected OPs decision because as you have said; she knows her family better than he does! She should divorce him now!
A 100k loan effects the husband too, that's why she talked to him about it. The second she took out that loan, he was in it. His opinion matters, if she thinks the way you two do, divorce is in the cards for that couple if this wasn't a one off event.
After the sister said that her and her mother were not going to pay the money back she did the right thing and protected her self. She was already out twenty thousand dollars I think she did the right thing.
Narcissistic folks and your money, credit or property don’t mix well. Been there, seen that. The heartbreaking issue is, usually the gaslit person is usually groomed or guilted into being the caretaker of older adults or loaner of money. To hell with your life and plans, you are just supposed to do what you are told. If not, you are an evil person from hell. I NEVER in a million years thought that my own parent would try to sabotage my marriage, future happiness and future financial security, but they did. Another reason for a woman to always have her own (education, money, home and resources)--not only do we have to watch out for some unscrupulous men who want to try and abuse us financially, emotionally and physically, but we also have to deal with parents who want to try and sabotage us in every way possible as well. 😢 Stay strong and don’t be afraid to ghost 👻 folks in your own family (even parents). Your future happiness may even depend on it. Sorry for the long post ✌🏾
I honestly wouldn't have loaned it in the first place! Why, some may ask? She had been sending them money for so long, and then when she was sick, while PREGNANT mind you!! Her "mom" REFUSED to come help her and take care of her when she needed it most! All because the spoiled arse sister was a little under the weather???? Whereas the mom's grandchild's life was on the line!? See, no... Lol
OP's biggest mistake was handing over $100k in the first place. When mom said she wanted to buy a house for her security, OP should have just bought and owned the house and let mom live there. That way when mom passes away, it would be OP's asset and not moms to be split with sister.
Glorious and EPIC!! You also have a husband problem. If he's comfortable with watching you get ripped off, lied to and gas lighted then you deserve better. Keep your financial information separate and locked up tight.
He didn't want his wife to be a criminal so he's too civil? Yall do realize if mom reports to the bank her account was hacked or goes to the police they're going to track it down to OP and she's going to be in Hella hot water don't you?? She committed identity theft, account take over, and she stole the money she had given away and had no rights over. This is why you write up contracts even with family members. OP is by definition a thief now, why wouldn't her husband be upset with her even if he understands her family aren't good people?
More like "never loan money". In my family we had this tradition, where one person would support the others by loaning money, no interest usually. My father was this for his generation. And he was a loan shark at heart: his brothers, sisters and cousins never defaulted on payments to him. His baby brother once stopped paying and my dad got a motorcycle out of him, no hard feelings. When my father died, I was the most well off person financially, but I decided to begin ending this tradition, as everyone had access to banking now, and I am not as fierce as my father in forcing people to honor the agreements. I'm still the default "helper", but only on emergencies and such.
11:34 never borrow or loan money to or from family it's like gambling the odds are not in your favor if you loan to family you'll likely never see a dime if you barrow they will hound you till you pay it back and then even after you do they will hold the fact that they helped you out for the rest of your life
In the end, OP is still out 20k. Unless she takes sister and mom to court, which could take up more money, time, etc. From what is left between mom and sis though could be just a judgement from the court which may never get paid since no funds are really available.
To be fair as much as she was giving them monthly anyways now that they are cut off she can just put that towards the 20k and probably have it paid off fairly quickly
They were never going to pay OP back. That is the only way she just lost 20000 and not 100000. Remember the sister told Mom to tell the truth they were not giving her a penny for the loan.
IMO she didn't go too far. The sister had clearly announced that they didn't plan to pay back. But she made one mistake beforehand. If you loan such an amount to anyone, you do it in form of a certified home loan. If she would have regarded basic commercial practices, the whole drama would have been prevented.
@vapx0075 Even with a personal loan, you still have to state what the loan is for. Otherwise the bank wouldn't approve it. This was supposed to be used to buy a house. Mom and sister clearly violated the terms of the loan and even declared they won't pay it back. That is fraud and embezzlement, and they would land in jail for that. Furthermore, they left an obvious paper trail since the venue and wedding planners would have receipts, so it wouldn't be hard to prove that the money was used for something other than its intentional use. And even if sister tries to file a case, she would need to tell the court where that 80K came from.
You should have taken the loan as a mortgage and taken the house in YOUR name. You were foolish to take a personal loan and give the money to your mother. Now you have to choose. Call it a day for the $20K for a lesson learned? Or take your mother to court for that $20K. And go NC with both. NTA
A 20k loss is better than a 100k loss! OP needs to tell her husband to pay the 20k since he sympathized with her family or shut up and mind his business. OP needs to send that 80k back to the loan company immediately so the 2 idiots can't try and get it back. She also needs to lock down her credit reports so they can't take out loans or credit cards through identity theft. And NEVER loan money to family! If you feel the need to, get a signed legal contract made, obligating them to pay it back or you take their house and other valuables.
Honestly OP is too nice for her own good . I would have transferred the full loan amount back . In the event of a court dispute , I would be able to tell them it was an illegal transfer and therefore entitled to a full restitution . I wouldn’t have to explain why I didn’t transfer the full amount back to the court . As for her husband who seems to be so generous and kind to people who are obviously his wife’s oppressors . OP needs to be very vigilant and start to protect herself financially , lest he expects such financial treatment for himself and his family .
So far... not narcissistic behavior from the mom and sister, just toxic as fuck (I've lived with a diagnosed narcissist)... and absolutely Nothing in her mothers plan makes sense... The mother is manipulative yes, not narcissistic... those are 2 very different things!!!
Her mother can get a job it’s not up to the kids to give their parents money unless they’re willing to and want to. I can’t stand OP sister and mother.
Giving them money for 10 years is more than enough payback and I definitely would not have "loaned" them 100K especially since she intended not to pay any of it back. The mother was a lying thief and partial to the twice married money grubbing daughter. The mother could've worked and gone back to school and made sure her daughter's got their education. Quitting school to bring home that small amount of money with no future was idiotic at best.
Parents who guilt trip their children by saying "Oh but I put a roof over your head, put food on the table, etc." are the worst. That's literally the bare minimum. That's what you're signing up for when you choose to have a kid. If you're not willing to do that you NEED to put your child up for adoption to give them someone who will. Most countries wouldn't even let you keep a pet if you didn't provide it with shelter, food and water. It's not OP's responsibility to pay her mom back for "working her butt off to provide for her." That's not how that works.
Yep, nooothing illegal about what she did that could set off a lawsuit against her... Yep, no need to try and stop a potential nightmare from wrecking the rest of your kids' childhood... absolutely noooo argument could support not starting a huge fight with annnnnyonnneee.
The second they stated their intentions of not paying back. OP was 100% in the right. The husband should have been more supportive and just stayed out of it. I would have gone a step further and sued them for fraud.
Nobody knows the horrors of living with narcissistic people unless they have been abused by them.. To have family who mistreats you . Lies and slandered you. Is simply horrific.
OP was a fool for tolerating it that long. Cutting contact with my awful family members similar to this early was one of the best things i ever did in my life. I cannot recommend it enough. Never tolerate people treating you poorly because they are "Family". If they really were your family they wouldn't treat you that way.
Op's sister said they were never going to repay the $100K loan so Op had to recoup whatever she could from the money. The thing that may be concerning is whether or not she had formalized the loan and had her mother sign a loan agreement with her. If she did there could be some legal ramifications for her pulling the remainder of the money from her mother's account. Sister seems to be the narcissistic one... wanting to waste $100K on a wedding? Why would you spend that much on a one day event and it wasn't even her first wedding!! I've been to many weddings that were awesome and they didn't spend even $2,000 to make it happen.
Here's for hoping that OPs mom doesn't make a police report about her actions, I'm pretty certan they are illegal. She did after all get access to her moms banking without her approval and transfer money from it, sounds like a pretty straight case of identity theft and fraud at least (the actaul charges might be different depending on where OP lives, who knows I'm not a layer).
My wedding and reception cost less than $1000 everyone had a good time and we didn't go in debt to start our life together I can't think of many things that are a bigger waste of money than a lavish wedding
Op's mom didn't sign anything, she only said she had part of the down payment for the house. The loan was only in Op's name. The mom transferred it into her account. That's why Op said she could call the police to. Because she could say she transferred it without her permission.
@@chocaren4602 OK, but I hope your husband would have enough self-respect to tell you that if someone is sleeping on the couch it would be you. It's his bed too.
Nope not only would I have taken that money back I"d have pressed charges for fraud in taking the loan in the first place and I would have sued both for everything that was still owed on the loan.
Well, I'm a bit little bit of a control freak. I never would have given her the money. I would have taken the money out in my name and bought the house she wanted and kept it in my name until she paid it off. That's the only way to make sure that you don't get screwed. You just have to think before you do these things it's not that hard.
Retired banker here; notwithstanding anything else this woman committed bank fraud-she was not an authorized user of moms account so she had NO legal way to transfer $$ out of the account.
OP's husband was tripping, he needed to sit down and stfu. She had to send that 80K back to the bank aware that she now has to pay 30K back without her mother's help since she and her sister were scamming her. Mom SHOULD have got herself that house for retirement cause now she has no fall back for old age unless her daughter forgives her or she can convince her overly judgemental son in law to pay for her retirement.
OP did the right thing. People who are “takers” will never stop. They don’t see the value of working hard to have nice life. They treated her badly. OP just mirrored their behavior to their face . People who are “givers” will always feel bad because they are “wired “ to be nice. OP can save the money she took back for her children’s education and push the guilt away. Obviously the husband has no family issues or doesn’t know how to deal with users. That’s another story.😊
Op did the right thing! Don’t listen to naysayers. You know your story better than anyone and ONLY you have up close experience with their abuses. You did what you felt was what you needed to do to not only stand up for yourself, but to END their narcissistic behavior towards you permanently. Don’t let strangers guilt trip you… they haven’t lived your life or experiences with mom and sis.
How much for a wedding? Many people have their dream wedding for $5,000 or less. Too bad sister had such grandiose wedding. When OP found out about the money, she should have immediately taken it back. Mom, when OP graduated should have been told she would get x amount of money a month. Sister could have been told OP would support her while she got her GED. Then when she got her GED and a better job, she would loan her the tuition to attend community college. After that she would get no more money from OP and she also would be expected to contribute to mom's living exspenses. All that drama would have been avoided, but I doubt sis would have wanted to put in the effort it was taken to make a better life for herself.
If you’re going to fund a house for someone, buy it in your name. You can transfer it to them upon final payment. If they say they don’t trust you it’s because they are projecting what they would do in your position, and have bo plans on paying you back.
For someone to be smart enough to get a full scholarship and then pass the boards to become a nurse, I’d expect them to be smart enough to know that there was no way in Hell her mom would be able to pay back a $100K loan. So unless one were prepared to gift that money away, they would never see it paid back in full if they even got paid back in part. OP didn’t ask to be born. Her mom chose to give birth and raise her and all the expenses that flowed from that choice were the mom’s responsibility not OP’s. As OP took care of herself from age 18 on, she owed mom absolutely nothing. If she still wanted to help “home” her mom, then she should have bought any house herself and kept it in her name till mom actually paid for it. If mom failed to pay then OP could have always sold the house and recovered her money. It makes zero sense to take out a major loan for another person and have no protection for any possible, if not probable, default. The story as presented showed no form of protection for OP asked for or given.
OP made the biggest mistakes here... namely, letting mom and sister becoming dependent on her, and then loaning money to people she knew were not trustworthy.
That mother is manipulative at hell. She made her oldest child her slave/husband and said it was all the youngest ones fault, then tried the same with the youngest. And that's just how it begins.
"I used to give them 20% of my salary as my duty." "So it was my responsibility to take care of her when I was doing well in life." Negative, that's not how it works, it's not a childs responsibility to "Give" their parents money when they do better.
You’re not the evil one OK you’ve just had enough bullshit from your mom and sister, talking obviously is not helping. Why doesn’t her husband get that?
A $100,000 wedding and a poor life after. It's crazy to use that money like that. Instead I would have bought me a start a home and a decent vehicle. And had a nice wedding but a wedding that lavish to only be broke after. Living to show off for people is crazy
The mother stole that money. Later when she retires or gets frail she's going to expect OP to buy her a house or take her in. The sister knew it wasn't her money, she benefited of the money that was sent for 10 years. The mother and sister took and never gave, while guilt tripping about their entitlement. OP has balls for sure to do what she did. She wasn't in the wrong taking back stolen money. Her husband needs to shut up, he'd let them walk all over his wife, insult her, lie about her and never pay her back, just because he's weak.
Husband of OP is in the wrong. The sister and the mom brought ALL this upon themselves. And when the AH sister said that she would NOT repay back KNOWING that the mother flat out LIED about what the funds were for....and the AH mom agreed Well, glad her wedding got ruint.
Uh, no, he sounds fine. He's a human being who has had a relatively sheltered life (relative to her). Everyone's entitled to an opinion. If you want to divorce at the first sign of an argument, that's just a bit... Oh, d**n, I just noticed your PFP. You were being sarcastic, weren't you? Please put a /src or silly face emoji to let people know you're having a lend. YT and SM text posts are the absolute s* for conveying jokes. TBH If I was her partner, I would've seen that train wreck coming and I would have had an anxiety attack about giving her deadbeat mother a loan based on Hers-And-My joint assets. See some sense, woman, GDI! My mother's like that. That's some emotional damage showing from inter-generational trauma. I get it. The husband is a doctor, a pacifist by nature. And his wife just put a timer on her C-PTSD bmb so it would go off at 0,0,0 at the worst possible moment. He's just witnessed a pure act of rage and savagery, irregardless that it's from his battle-weary wife. Of course he's going to object; that's a natural pacifistic reaction. He's the most believable character in this story.
So how was hubby raised?...He may be a peaceful person but your toxic family are the worst...you let this go and they will keep coming at you...good move in making them responsible for THEIR actions.
OP, I just don't understand WHY you would even consider taking out a loan of that size knowing your mother as you do. I am sorry, I would have NEVER EVER taken out that loan for them, NEVER! Then to learn that they were not going to repay you, you should have NOT been surprised, just from their prior behaviors. Because the only time they wanted anything to do with you was went they wanted MONEY, otherwise, they had no use for you! As for them believing that YOU OWE THEM! You did not ask to be born and mother had to do her job until the age of 18 when you LEFT her home and you took care of yourself after that! After this, how you could ever associate with them again will be mind boggling! This is definitely a NC situation, forever, even when they depart this planet! I am so FULL of anger, disgust and dislike of your family!
OP's husband is the real AH here. He keeps telling her she was wrong etc. He needs to prove it by putting his money where his mouth is. When she told him what she did he should have turned around and cut them a check on the spot. I mean he earns more than her so he could afford it. He knows now the mother and sister are still on the hook so why not help them? Not his responsibility? Neither is it OP's. She is still out of 20k plus interest on that loan. Her husband is a hypocrite for wanting OP to shoulder that burden alone.
I think that's the issue though. He only sees it as money. He cannot fathom the intense manipulation and personal abuse attached to it for the others. When you're well-off, you don't see money. You don't think much on it, it's just something that when you do that rare reach for it, and the better that buffer on your wages are, the more you tend to want to extend it to family. So I disagree, I think he's being only a small 'ah' as without further context it looks like he means well.
true, but she is her mother. Despite everything she loves her and against all hope will always wish that love was returned. OP is no idiot for being a normal, loving person who has had to learn, through a lot of pain, where to create a boundary and 'lose' the family she wishes she had.
Call the lawyers in to get your 20 grand back to they owe you that money back also. Let mom know it will have to be paid back within the same 3 months. What they did was fraud . Or sisteg and hubby can enjoy jail
Sorry but Op needs to take care of Op first. Mom and Sis just needs to workfor themselves because Op isn't obligated to give them money just because Mom gave birth to Op.
Neither is OP obligated to give huge monies and spend years in debt to fund the selfishness of fraudsters and thieves, whether they are strangers, or 'family'.
Some people lose their minds when it comes to weddings. It is ridiculous to spend 100K on a wedding when you are paying rent. Sometimes karma takes its time so you don't waste an opportunity to handle things yourself, especially when you get conned onto paying for a $100K party.
What the hell is wrong with these women who want these hundreds of thousands of dollars weddings knowing full well it's outside of their means, even if I was a millionaire I'd never marry a woman like that, let alone a cab driver
If there is one thing I believe in, no wedding is worth taking out a loan for. Have the wedding you can afford, and there are lots of ways to do budget weddings that are still lovely and meaningful without the debt. In the end, it's the marriage that matters, not the wedding.
If anything, those funds should have been used to purchase a home, NOT a stupid wasteful wedding! I'll never understand this kind of waste for ONE DAY! MAYBE, if I could afford it, but my common sense, logical mind would NEVER allow me to waste money like this on a wedding!
It’s just to show off to friends but it’s a contradiction cause their lifestyle doesn’t match
They've been raised on CINDERELLA and THE LITTLE MERMAID . THEY THINK THE BOLLOCKS IS REAL .
Dude, my wedding was around $2,200, including my wedding dress lol. We completely didn't want a big wedding, at all. There were twelve people there total, including us and the officiant. But it was still beautiful, at this gorgeous Greek restaurant in the second story banquet room. It doesn't have to be expensive to be a beautiful wedding!
OP did just fine. I’m sick of the offenders being so cocky and justifying what they do. Disgusting.
In my opinion, OP did the right thing. Her Mom and Sister had no intentions of ever paying any of that money back leaving OP responsible for the payments. OP's husband needs to hush and let her handle her own family. I seriously doubt that he would have appreciated paying back that 100 grand loan. The commentors saying OP went too far...oh, please. Don't act like you would have let your family f*ck all over top you while leaving you to pay back such a large amount of money. OP, please go NC with those scammers, have a sit down with your husband explaining that he was raised under different circumstances and not in a position to judge what had to be done. Go live a peaceful life and don't look back.
Yeah but transferring the money out of her mom account is stealing
Stealing? It was her money. She agreed to loan her mom money with two conditions: 1. The money was to purchase a home. And 2. Her mom was to pay the money back. Verbal contracts are a thing and her mom violated it first by misappropriating funds that legally belonged to OP to pay for her other daughter’s wedding. And then the sister revealed that they’d had no intention of paying back that money which would have left OP liable for the repayment of that money. Even the authorities would have sided with OP as the money was legally hers, not her mother’s.
People who had a healthy family never truly get what it means having to come from a bad or toxic family. While good intentioned, when it comes to your partners blood family, you should always take their lead, not whatever you think is right.
@@28cotton32Agreed.
Was wondering how they were going to pay her back whilst also paying rent for an apartment they were going to be living in 😂
Wow! Finally, a woman with backbone. Good for you, OP.
OPs mother lied about what she wanted the money for and promised she'd pay it back when she actually had no intention to! OP had every right to take HER money back!
*the bank's money.
If OP defaults on the loan payments because her mum doesn't pay back the money to her, the bank will sell whatever assets OP secured it with. Her OWN assets are at risk for this stupid wedding.
@@vapx0075 yes, I worked for a bank for 5 years, I'm well aware how that process works, thanks!
Don't loan the money to broke family members. Just buy the home and allow them to stay in it if you want to take care of them. Then evict them and sell it if they don't pay their fair share.
@@roris5882 agreed. Buy the house IN YOUR NAME and rent free to them.
Her sister didn’t have to drop out of school. She chose to do it. Their mother should’ve been supporting them and paying for them.
My bet is that's the reason the father became a drunkard then left. The hoe mother is so toxic and evil trash...
Agree
"Chose to" isn't quite so simple when you're young, your parent is demanding it, you're the eldest, and the family needs money.
If the choice is between going hungry and being homesless or dropping out, it's not much of a choice
That's hard to say for certain. They were clearly paycheck to paycheck and we don't really know all that much about the situation
That’s so true👍
Husband should have listened to his wife. I hate it when someone doesn’t listen to their spouse, your spouse knows her family better than you.
Damn straight!!!
And NEVER open your damn mouth about 💩 you know nothing about especially when it comes to family dynamics that you already know are strained at best!!!
Husband should have listened and respected OPs decision because as you have said; she knows her family better than he does! She should divorce him now!
A 100k loan effects the husband too, that's why she talked to him about it.
The second she took out that loan, he was in it.
His opinion matters, if she thinks the way you two do, divorce is in the cards for that couple if this wasn't a one off event.
After the sister said that her and her mother were not going to pay the money back she did the right thing and protected her self. She was already out twenty thousand dollars I think she did the right thing.
Honestly, $20k to go no contact with narcissistic relatives seems like a bargain.
The minute sister said she wasnt paying it back is the minute I agreed.
Youre so right - 1 narc fam member is equal to 100 enemies.
Iam with op mother and sister are evil.Op did the right thing taking back her money.
That statement the sister made was the trigger for me. At that point it was fair game.
Narcissistic folks and your money, credit or property don’t mix well. Been there, seen that. The heartbreaking issue is, usually the gaslit person is usually groomed or guilted into being the caretaker of older adults or loaner of money. To hell with your life and plans, you are just supposed to do what you are told. If not, you are an evil person from hell. I NEVER in a million years thought that my own parent would try to sabotage my marriage, future happiness and future financial security, but they did.
Another reason for a woman to always have her own (education, money, home and resources)--not only do we have to watch out for some unscrupulous men who want to try and abuse us financially, emotionally and physically, but we also have to deal with parents who want to try and sabotage us in every way possible as well. 😢 Stay strong and don’t be afraid to ghost 👻 folks in your own family (even parents). Your future happiness may even depend on it. Sorry for the long post ✌🏾
Sounds like her sister belongs in prison.
I agree with what you did. Your sis said they would never pay it back. That sealed it for me.
I honestly wouldn't have loaned it in the first place! Why, some may ask? She had been sending them money for so long, and then when she was sick, while PREGNANT mind you!! Her "mom" REFUSED to come help her and take care of her when she needed it most! All because the spoiled arse sister was a little under the weather???? Whereas the mom's grandchild's life was on the line!? See, no... Lol
OP should go one step further and sue her mommy for remaining $20 000. Pluck court expenses an emotional damages.
I mean, she'd have to get in line
It would be a waste of time energy and money cause she knows full well her mom wouldn't be able to pay any of it back.
"Never lend people money. It gives them amnesia" Groucho Marx
OP's biggest mistake was handing over $100k in the first place. When mom said she wanted to buy a house for her security, OP should have just bought and owned the house and let mom live there. That way when mom passes away, it would be OP's asset and not moms to be split with sister.
I am amazed she didn't simply do this.
There's no way that disgrace of a mother would have left op anything in a will. Any and all assets would go to the entitled shit sister.
Agree. She should have bought the house and made mom pay the mortgage
Finally an OP that wasn't a doormat!
No but she married one though.
Her husband is a doormat I would tell him if he doesn't stop his stupidity we are getting a divorce.
Glorious and EPIC!! You also have a husband problem. If he's comfortable with watching you get ripped off, lied to and gas lighted then you deserve better. Keep your financial information separate and locked up tight.
I totally agree
@@gabrielcalva5082 - *way* too civilized.
@Chrisdocc - Yep! We'd be having a 'come to Cthulu' meeting if he was my hubs.
He didn't want his wife to be a criminal so he's too civil?
Yall do realize if mom reports to the bank her account was hacked or goes to the police they're going to track it down to OP and she's going to be in Hella hot water don't you??
She committed identity theft, account take over, and she stole the money she had given away and had no rights over.
This is why you write up contracts even with family members. OP is by definition a thief now, why wouldn't her husband be upset with her even if he understands her family aren't good people?
@@shegeek5559you don't even have one 😂 what are you even talking about
Never, ever loan money to a narcissistic person, especially family. You'll never get it back as they believe you owe it to them.
More like "never loan money".
In my family we had this tradition, where one person would support the others by loaning money, no interest usually. My father was this for his generation. And he was a loan shark at heart: his brothers, sisters and cousins never defaulted on payments to him. His baby brother once stopped paying and my dad got a motorcycle out of him, no hard feelings.
When my father died, I was the most well off person financially, but I decided to begin ending this tradition, as everyone had access to banking now, and I am not as fierce as my father in forcing people to honor the agreements.
I'm still the default "helper", but only on emergencies and such.
Either gift or don't do it. Money screws everything up
Perfectly said
11:34 never borrow or loan money to or from family it's like gambling the odds are not in your favor if you loan to family you'll likely never see a dime if you barrow they will hound you till you pay it back and then even after you do they will hold the fact that they helped you out for the rest of your life
@@markgoodwin4500b
In the end, OP is still out 20k. Unless she takes sister and mom to court, which could take up more money, time, etc. From what is left between mom and sis though could be just a judgement from the court which may never get paid since no funds are really available.
'If you call the police on me, I'll show them where the money originally came from', is basically what she said to them.
To be fair as much as she was giving them monthly anyways now that they are cut off she can just put that towards the 20k and probably have it paid off fairly quickly
They were never going to pay OP back. That is the only way she just lost 20000 and not 100000. Remember the sister told Mom to tell the truth they were not giving her a penny for the loan.
IMO she didn't go too far. The sister had clearly announced that they didn't plan to pay back. But she made one mistake beforehand. If you loan such an amount to anyone, you do it in form of a certified home loan. If she would have regarded basic commercial practices, the whole drama would have been prevented.
She mentioned it was a personal loan. A definite mistake indeed.
@vapx0075 Even with a personal loan, you still have to state what the loan is for. Otherwise the bank wouldn't approve it. This was supposed to be used to buy a house. Mom and sister clearly violated the terms of the loan and even declared they won't pay it back. That is fraud and embezzlement, and they would land in jail for that. Furthermore, they left an obvious paper trail since the venue and wedding planners would have receipts, so it wouldn't be hard to prove that the money was used for something other than its intentional use.
And even if sister tries to file a case, she would need to tell the court where that 80K came from.
Op did the right thing and if her husband is not on her side too, she should kick him out as well.
Mom and sister are the type NOT TO PAY so OP was right to take the $80,000 back.
If she hadn’t taken it back, it would’ve vaporized.
I don’t blame her.. She did more than enough💯 she owed them nothing and I would’ve went as far.
You should have taken the loan as a mortgage and taken the house in YOUR name. You were foolish to take a personal loan and give the money to your mother. Now you have to choose. Call it a day for the $20K for a lesson learned? Or take your mother to court for that $20K. And go NC with both. NTA
A 20k loss is better than a 100k loss! OP needs to tell her husband to pay the 20k since he sympathized with her family or shut up and mind his business. OP needs to send that 80k back to the loan company immediately so the 2 idiots can't try and get it back. She also needs to lock down her credit reports so they can't take out loans or credit cards through identity theft. And NEVER loan money to family! If you feel the need to, get a signed legal contract made, obligating them to pay it back or you take their house and other valuables.
It is not the childs responsibility to pay back what the parents had to do.
It isn’t. It is a parents job to feed, clothe, and house their child. If they don’t they can go to jail.
Sounds just like Jim Bob from 19 and counting
OP was lied to from day 1, she even gave her mother the opportunity to come clean which never happened. OP is still out 20k, bet she never sees it.
On the plus side, she got 80K$ back of the mistaken loan.
Another plus is that sister and Mom are stuck paying installments at 15% interest towards the venue people. Double whammy.
. . . _Unfortunately For Her, I Watch My Credit Like a Hawk_ 🔭🦅
Honestly OP is too nice for her own good . I would have transferred the full loan amount back . In the event of a court dispute , I would be able to tell them it was an illegal transfer and therefore entitled to a full restitution . I wouldn’t have to explain why I didn’t transfer the full amount back to the court . As for her husband who seems to be so generous and kind to people who are obviously his wife’s oppressors . OP needs to be very vigilant and start to protect herself financially , lest he expects such financial treatment for himself and his family .
I'd say NTA to OP. She did what was right when she found out that her mom and sister weren't gonna pay back the loan.
Unless OP gets a signed document from her mom saying that she will pay her back I wouldn't give her a dime.
I totally read that sign as "Mr. ReddHo" and I loved it. 😂😂😂
So far... not narcissistic behavior from the mom and sister, just toxic as fuck (I've lived with a diagnosed narcissist)... and absolutely Nothing in her mothers plan makes sense...
The mother is manipulative yes, not narcissistic... those are 2 very different things!!!
What parent doesn’t want their kid going to high school?
Yeah, they do exist in today's 'first world' countries. Unfortunately.
I would have taken $98k back and let them have $2k, thus putting them in further debt.
Go no contact with your mother and sister. They are no good.
Not sure about this one. She was stupid to loan the money to her mother knowing how they operate.
Agree
Ditto. Never loan money to friends or relatives unless you can afford to lose it, and certainly not if they've behaved so badly in the past.
Her mother can get a job it’s not up to the kids to give their parents money unless they’re willing to and want to. I can’t stand OP sister and mother.
I don't understand why OP gave a portion of her salary to her mother as if it was alimony for 10 years.
Giving them money for 10 years is more than enough payback and I definitely would not have "loaned" them 100K especially since she intended not to pay any of it back. The mother was a lying thief and partial to the twice married money grubbing daughter. The mother could've worked and gone back to school and made sure her daughter's got their education. Quitting school to bring home that small amount of money with no future was idiotic at best.
I can't be jealous of a wedding that I'm paying for.
Great job OP! Only thing she did was take her money back!!
Parents who guilt trip their children by saying "Oh but I put a roof over your head, put food on the table, etc." are the worst. That's literally the bare minimum. That's what you're signing up for when you choose to have a kid. If you're not willing to do that you NEED to put your child up for adoption to give them someone who will. Most countries wouldn't even let you keep a pet if you didn't provide it with shelter, food and water. It's not OP's responsibility to pay her mom back for "working her butt off to provide for her." That's not how that works.
Husband should not have berated her after she did this.
OP has a husband problem in addition to a mother and sister problem. Dump him too and all of his guilt trips. OP was perfectly justified.
Yep, nooothing illegal about what she did that could set off a lawsuit against her... Yep, no need to try and stop a potential nightmare from wrecking the rest of your kids' childhood... absolutely noooo argument could support not starting a huge fight with annnnnyonnneee.
The second they stated their intentions of not paying back. OP was 100% in the right. The husband should have been more supportive and just stayed out of it. I would have gone a step further and sued them for fraud.
Nobody knows the horrors of living with narcissistic people unless they have been abused by them.. To have family who mistreats you . Lies and slandered you. Is simply horrific.
Tell hubs if he's staying out of it, not giving advice etc, then he needs to stay way out of it and keep his mouth shut
Hubs is hubs her husband her partner what she does effects him. Could blow back on him.
OP was a fool for tolerating it that long. Cutting contact with my awful family members similar to this early was one of the best things i ever did in my life. I cannot recommend it enough.
Never tolerate people treating you poorly because they are "Family". If they really were your family they wouldn't treat you that way.
In the cartoon, OP is wearing a white dress for her sister’s wedding. That’s a big no-no!
That's like three steps removed from reality.
Op's sister said they were never going to repay the $100K loan so Op had to recoup whatever she could from the money. The thing that may be concerning is whether or not she had formalized the loan and had her mother sign a loan agreement with her. If she did there could be some legal ramifications for her pulling the remainder of the money from her mother's account. Sister seems to be the narcissistic one... wanting to waste $100K on a wedding? Why would you spend that much on a one day event and it wasn't even her first wedding!! I've been to many weddings that were awesome and they didn't spend even $2,000 to make it happen.
Here's for hoping that OPs mom doesn't make a police report about her actions, I'm pretty certan they are illegal. She did after all get access to her moms banking without her approval and transfer money from it, sounds like a pretty straight case of identity theft and fraud at least (the actaul charges might be different depending on where OP lives, who knows I'm not a layer).
My wedding and reception cost less than $1000 everyone had a good time and we didn't go in debt to start our life together
I can't think of many things that are a bigger waste of money than a lavish wedding
Op's mom didn't sign anything, she only said she had part of the down payment for the house. The loan was only in Op's name. The mom transferred it into her account. That's why Op said she could call the police to. Because she could say she transferred it without her permission.
100% stand With OP. That revenge was AWESOME! and fully deserved. She did Not go too far.
Who said you should support your parents. Op did exactly right.
OP, you go, girl! You owe only your husband and kids a good life. Don't let that dead weight back into your life
I would’ve been pissed my husband he’d be sleeping on the couch for a week.
Why? Because he expressed his opinion?
@@davidnash8208for initating the fight. He should have let her follow through with her plan
@davidnash8208 No, because he intervened in something that was none of his business.
@@chocaren4602 OK, but I hope your husband would have enough self-respect to tell you that if someone is sleeping on the couch it would be you. It's his bed too.
@@davidnash8208 Whomsoever sleeps on the couch is the one least confrontational in the argument.
Nope not only would I have taken that money back I"d have pressed charges for fraud in taking the loan in the first place and I would have sued both for everything that was still owed on the loan.
Well, I'm a bit little bit of a control freak. I never would have given her the money. I would have taken the money out in my name and bought the house she wanted and kept it in my name until she paid it off. That's the only way to make sure that you don't get screwed. You just have to think before you do these things it's not that hard.
It'll be hilarious when she's arrested for fraud and theft.
Retired banker here; notwithstanding anything else this woman committed bank fraud-she was not an authorized user of moms account so she had NO legal way to transfer $$ out of the account.
OP's husband was tripping, he needed to sit down and stfu. She had to send that 80K back to the bank aware that she now has to pay 30K back without her mother's help since she and her sister were scamming her. Mom SHOULD have got herself that house for retirement cause now she has no fall back for old age unless her daughter forgives her or she can convince her overly judgemental son in law to pay for her retirement.
OP did the right thing. People who are “takers” will never stop. They don’t see the value of working hard to have nice life. They treated her badly. OP just mirrored their behavior to their face . People who are “givers” will always feel bad because they are “wired “ to be nice. OP can save the money she took back for her children’s education and push the guilt away. Obviously the husband has no family issues or doesn’t know how to deal with users. That’s another story.😊
Op did the right thing! Don’t listen to naysayers. You know your story better than anyone and ONLY you have up close experience with their abuses. You did what you felt was what you needed to do to not only stand up for yourself, but to END their narcissistic behavior towards you permanently. Don’t let strangers guilt trip you… they haven’t lived your life or experiences with mom and sis.
I don’t think she went to far a 100,k is no ten bucks it’s a lot of money and they had no intention of paying it back!
Why do I can relate 100%?😂😂😂
How much for a wedding? Many people have their dream wedding for $5,000 or less. Too bad sister had such
grandiose wedding. When OP found out about the money, she should have immediately taken it back. Mom, when OP graduated should have been told she would get x amount of money a month. Sister could have been told OP would support her while she got her GED. Then when she got her GED and a better job, she would loan her the tuition to attend community college. After that she would get no more money from OP and she also would be expected to contribute to mom's living exspenses. All that drama would have been avoided, but I doubt sis would have wanted to put in the effort it was taken to make a better life for herself.
Nope I would have canceled their crap when I found out!! I would have went further
If you’re going to fund a house for someone, buy it in your name. You can transfer it to them upon final payment. If they say they don’t trust you it’s because they are projecting what they would do in your position, and have bo plans on paying you back.
For someone to be smart enough to get a full scholarship and then pass the boards to become a nurse, I’d expect them to be smart enough to know that there was no way in Hell her mom would be able to pay back a $100K loan. So unless one were prepared to gift that money away, they would never see it paid back in full if they even got paid back in part. OP didn’t ask to be born. Her mom chose to give birth and raise her and all the expenses that flowed from that choice were the mom’s responsibility not OP’s. As OP took care of herself from age 18 on, she owed mom absolutely nothing. If she still wanted to help “home” her mom, then she should have bought any house herself and kept it in her name till mom actually paid for it. If mom failed to pay then OP could have always sold the house and recovered her money. It makes zero sense to take out a major loan for another person and have no protection for any possible, if not probable, default. The story as presented showed no form of protection for OP asked for or given.
OP made the biggest mistakes here... namely, letting mom and sister becoming dependent on her, and then loaning money to people she knew were not trustworthy.
She did pull out of that dependency for a while.
NTA. Hubby is wrong about your problem with your family. You did the right thing. They stole from you.
That mother is manipulative at hell. She made her oldest child her slave/husband and said it was all the youngest ones fault, then tried the same with the youngest. And that's just how it begins.
You did the right thing o p
"I used to give them 20% of my salary as my duty." "So it was my responsibility to take care of her when I was doing well in life." Negative, that's not how it works, it's not a childs responsibility to "Give" their parents money when they do better.
She doesn't owe them.
You’re not the evil one OK you’ve just had enough bullshit from your mom and sister, talking obviously is not helping. Why doesn’t her husband get that?
Why are you still with a husband like this?
A $100,000 wedding and a poor life after. It's crazy to use that money like that. Instead I would have bought me a start a home and a decent vehicle. And had a nice wedding but a wedding that lavish to only be broke after. Living to show off for people is crazy
I agree with the nurse 100%, although she does seem to be a narcissist herself, she's still right.
S1: OP you are NTA. Your mother and sister are definitely the a-holes.
Your husband sadly falls into to ESH category.
What is ESH?
@@KryztynaGil Everyone Sucks Here.
@@KryztynaGil Either it's 'everyone is the a*hole' or he's some kind of weed smoking hobo.
Your my hero😂😂😂😂
Glad you got those toxic people out of your life.
The mother stole that money. Later when she retires or gets frail she's going to expect OP to buy her a house or take her in. The sister knew it wasn't her money, she benefited of the money that was sent for 10 years. The mother and sister took and never gave, while guilt tripping about their entitlement. OP has balls for sure to do what she did. She wasn't in the wrong taking back stolen money. Her husband needs to shut up, he'd let them walk all over his wife, insult her, lie about her and never pay her back, just because he's weak.
You are 100% in the right
Husband of OP is in the wrong. The sister and the mom brought ALL this upon themselves. And when the AH sister said that she would NOT repay back KNOWING that the mother flat out LIED about what the funds were for....and the AH mom agreed Well, glad her wedding got ruint.
You are not obligated to support anyone but yourself ( the exception being your non adult children) and shouldn't let anyone guilt you into it
OP.. consider leaving your husband. He is NOT on your side. If fear he will pay your mom and sister behind your back! RUN LIKE HECK!!
He just didn't agree with her actions. He's allowed his opinion. There's no evidence that he said anything in front of anyone else.
Uh, no, he sounds fine. He's a human being who has had a relatively sheltered life (relative to her). Everyone's entitled to an opinion.
If you want to divorce at the first sign of an argument, that's just a bit...
Oh, d**n, I just noticed your PFP. You were being sarcastic, weren't you? Please put a /src or silly face emoji to let people know you're having a lend. YT and SM text posts are the absolute s* for conveying jokes.
TBH If I was her partner, I would've seen that train wreck coming and I would have had an anxiety attack about giving her deadbeat mother a loan based on Hers-And-My joint assets. See some sense, woman, GDI! My mother's like that. That's some emotional damage showing from inter-generational trauma.
I get it. The husband is a doctor, a pacifist by nature. And his wife just put a timer on her C-PTSD bmb so it would go off at 0,0,0 at the worst possible moment. He's just witnessed a pure act of rage and savagery, irregardless that it's from his battle-weary wife. Of course he's going to object; that's a natural pacifistic reaction.
He's the most believable character in this story.
So how was hubby raised?...He may be a peaceful person but your toxic family are the worst...you let this go and they will keep coming at you...good move in making them responsible for THEIR actions.
OP, I just don't understand WHY you would even consider taking out a loan of that size knowing your mother as you do. I am sorry, I would have NEVER EVER taken out that loan for them, NEVER! Then to learn that they were not going to repay you, you should have NOT been surprised, just from their prior behaviors. Because the only time they wanted anything to do with you was went they wanted MONEY, otherwise, they had no use for you!
As for them believing that YOU OWE THEM! You did not ask to be born and mother had to do her job until the age of 18 when you LEFT her home and you took care of yourself after that! After this, how you could ever associate with them again will be mind boggling! This is definitely a NC situation, forever, even when they depart this planet! I am so FULL of anger, disgust and dislike of your family!
OP's husband is the real AH here. He keeps telling her she was wrong etc. He needs to prove it by putting his money where his mouth is. When she told him what she did he should have turned around and cut them a check on the spot. I mean he earns more than her so he could afford it. He knows now the mother and sister are still on the hook so why not help them? Not his responsibility? Neither is it OP's. She is still out of 20k plus interest on that loan. Her husband is a hypocrite for wanting OP to shoulder that burden alone.
I think that's the issue though. He only sees it as money. He cannot fathom the intense manipulation and personal abuse attached to it for the others.
When you're well-off, you don't see money. You don't think much on it, it's just something that when you do that rare reach for it, and the better that buffer on your wages are, the more you tend to want to extend it to family.
So I disagree, I think he's being only a small 'ah' as without further context it looks like he means well.
Fcuking love this story its brilliant
OP’s hubby is obviously the ‘but their family’ type. *sigh*
Can you send your husband back to his parents 😂😂😂
OP is a sucker for trusting her mother.
true, but she is her mother. Despite everything she loves her and against all hope will always wish that love was returned. OP is no idiot for being a normal, loving person who has had to learn, through a lot of pain, where to create a boundary and 'lose' the family she wishes she had.
OMG...Mother is just greedy. You can never solve her issues with money. It's never gonna be spent on what she says it's for. Leave it and them ALONE!!
Call the lawyers in to get your 20 grand back to they owe you that money back also.
Let mom know it will have to be paid back within the same 3 months.
What they did was fraud .
Or sisteg and hubby can enjoy jail
Never forget. . . she gave her sister a fancy wedding gift . . . 20,000 dollars. That's like giving her a diamond.
Hearing thus i keep saying. " pull your money out"...love the fact she actually did pull her money back out. Good for you op.
Sorry but Op needs to take care of Op first. Mom and Sis just needs to workfor themselves because Op isn't obligated to give them money just because Mom gave birth to Op.
Neither is OP obligated to give huge monies and spend years in debt to fund the selfishness of fraudsters and thieves, whether they are strangers, or 'family'.
Some people lose their minds when it comes to weddings. It is ridiculous to spend 100K on a wedding when you are paying rent. Sometimes karma takes its time so you don't waste an opportunity to handle things yourself, especially when you get conned onto paying for a $100K party.
This story is soooò unbelievable
After the comments the husband made and the guilt trips he would be becoming an ex husband
And she could be taken to court for fraud.