@@elisasegal8153 I'm a PhD student in theoretical physics but I love animals also, and my plan is to go to college for zookeeper after my career is more set in place. You inspire me not to give up on having more than one simultaneous dream.
Here is how I love what I have: at 30 I became chronically ill. I lost my career, my independence, ability to have children and for five years on and off I lost the ability to get out of bed. I have slowly been restored to health and I now live in my hometown and work in the family business. If you’d told me in college this is where I’d be at 40 I would have been devastated. But I am so grateful to walk around the block, to accomplish my work tasks, to cook dinner. I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone but I don’t know how I would have reached this level of life satisfaction without losing everything first.
Amanda I am bawling. We share much of the same story, but I am 52 and I am still quite ill, but I've gotten to a place (by working hard but also taking care of myself, not push push pushing) where I am so so so happy to be doing the work I am blessed with (history, public lands, cultural studies, accessibility, mental health, etc). 6 years ago I had to work as a plant lady and at subway as a fill-in, that's all I could handle. I am thriving now in many ways, not past the depression lol but it's coming along. But I had to embrace my little redneck shitkicker soul (I am a flaming queer liberal too lol) to radiate the authenticity needed to build the relationships that are allowing me to now do the big things I thought I would never get to do. Stay strong, care for yourself like you are your own child, and please never give up on your big ideas. The next step might be a new opportunity elsewhere or the job might become something amazing that will allow you to not only pursue a big dream, but to bring your own history, family, & community into the big dream too. I thought I wanted to wear the sharp blazer & cool sleek dress, so to speak, but it turns out I do my best marketing and presentations when I've got mud somewhere, and am wearing utility jeans, work boots, and a big ol' sweatshirt from a local historic site lol... and I think abstract and geometric art might feed the hunger for sleek fashion.
Resonated with this very much. I’m in my 40’s. I spent a lot of my younger years haunted by that sensation of “waiting for my life to begin” which was my version of the aspirational fantasy self. I had this idea that a life worth living, a really satisfying life had to be a BIG life. The glitz and glam presented to us through media. I had this idea that there were all these people out there doing fabulous and Very Important things all day every day. They were travelling and having delightful dinner parties, always with very interesting people. And I am sure there are some people out there who have elements of all those things regularly woven throughout their lives on those big scales. But they still have to do all the same ordinary things the rest of us have to do. Then I heard a Buddhist Monk talking about cultivating being unattached to our experiences, just observing them and being present to them and how this can lead to being profoundly moved by the simplest of things. One flower in a field. Light dappling through the trees. I mulled on that for a long time and realized that all those fabulous images I was longing for contained within them the simple things we all can have even if it’s not in glamours settings. I can have friends over for dinner and have stimulating conversations. In fact, I often do. We may be sitting on rickety patio furniture with one citronella candle burning, but it’s still beautiful. We take a trip every year. It might just be to a state park to go camping and not to some luxury spa in Bali, but it’s still beautiful and relaxing and rejuvenating. Etc. etc. etc. I realized, gradually, that the things I was fantasizing about or aspiring to were just bigger, louder, versions of what I already had. We crave novelty. It’s in our DNA as humans. And that’s fine. But, ya, learning to accept that that craving never ends and there is no Perfect anything out there that will satiate that desire is a process and is harder for some of us than others. So, now I just change the arrangements of my items in my house. I move my clothes around in my closet. I stop wearing makeup for a while so that when I go back to wearing makeup in a week or so, it all feels dazzling and exciting again. I engineer my own novelty and cultivate being blown away by a sunset, the way the breeze is moving the living things in my backyard. It helps a lot. It doesn’t stop the craving for novelty or my desire for more perfect things, but it helps a lot. What a beautiful question to ponder. Thank you ❤
That was one of the most beautiful and thought provoking comments i read for a long time. It really helped me (61 year old women) to look at things from a different angle. Thank you so much and all the best for you.
I removed my lash extensions and my fake acrylic nail extensions because I grew to love my life so much that I no longer wanted to waste hours of it in lash boutiques and nail salons. And the time that I’ve regained is INVALUABLE and I feel so much better about myself because I have time to learn and engage in activities that add joy to my life, instead of reinforce this idea that I need to change myself. I do my own nails now and take care of my natural lashes and it feels good to do it when I want to. Loved this video!
❤ this video. Two days ago I froze some of my eggs because at 36 I’m increasingly worried that I won’t find a partner who I love and with whom I can make a family. My mum looked after me post-retrieval but it was still a lonely experience. Her response to my tears was “do some online shopping”. In that moment I realised that shopping is a detour from a happy life also in the way that it distracts you from grieving, processing your feelings, and doing the difficult internal work
I had a similar experience when I was a teenager, although obviously in a different situation. It took me another 10 years to realise this was a marker of emotional immaturity in my mother, and that in turn I had not learned how to prioritise myself in healthy ways. Only to seek distractions. I’m glad you realised it was an unhelpful (perhaps flippant) suggestion. This suggests you do know how to prioritise yourself and your needs. I’m sure whatever the eventual outcome, it will be worthwhile. And it’s ok to love yourself enough to do these things alone, if you decide that’s what’s important in your life, as many women do.
I initially thought this was a cheeky title for another video collab with Joe, lol. Your enthusiasm for and curiosity about other people really comes through whenever you’re talking about another person, and I just love that. It reads as very deep and genuine.
So here's a weird observation I have made....on my own life and behaviour. I ABSOLUTELY fall into the trap of believing I can buy the kind of life I want. Even though I KNOW on an intellectual level I can't, my emotional goblin still craves purchasing a fantasy. So I often take a break from shopping. And during those breaks..I often find myself CONSUMING other fantasy self goodies....excessive TH-cam vlogs about minimalism, home organisation etc etc. In this last week....I have unsubscribed to all you tube channels that don't feed my soul, deleted IG and FB and all the social media that is constantly telling me my life is lacking. It weird....I feel very free and at the same time like I'm missing something. I guess it really is time to rewire my brain from all types of fantasy consumption!! Loved this video ❤❤
Dawn, thank you so much for verbalizing your experience with consuming content which is still feeding the weird fantasy self vibes, even if you’re not purchasing things-this clarified for me why some of my TH-cam habits recently have left me feeling kinda yucky. If I’m not going to take action on things like minimalism, clothing upcycling, etc, maybe it is time to shift toward content which feels beautiful and inspiring for its own sake, rather than continuing to fuel discontent by feeding my fantasy selves with what I’m watching. I really appreciate you taking the time to make this comment; it helped me to see myself more clearly and invited me to shift my behavior!
@Liesel Martin i appreciate Dawn's comment and your response to Dawn. Your response helped me to digest Dawn's comment properly and now I am thinking of shifting my viewing in this way as well
Wow lots to think about here, really amazing conversation. Something big is happening in my style life, something that, as a writer, boggles my mind because I can't quite express it. I leaned into an idea for personal branding through clothes for my job in marketing cultural tourism in a rural setting, so it was not an organic change, but it has awakened something new in me. I honestly just intended to use my redneck childhood (I am 50+ now lol) to help me build relationships & raise money, but instead of manipulating people to give more or do more, i accidentally kicked off a journey of integration of the self lol. I truly am a redneck shitkicker, but I am also a historian, a queer person, a mentally ill person, a member of an "art family," greedy nonprofit fundraiser (greedy for money for the organization, not myself lol), a country gal who's afraid of horses AND cows (they can too bite!), a crazy leftist, and occasional fancy person if the bar is low. Consumption and a whole lot of other things fit into this, I don't understand it all, but I love it! I am aware, ofc, that the mind is more ready for this kind of integration and self acceptance at my age, it's not completely random.
@@writeincode Thank you for taking the time to share this! I am so glad that something I said helped you to integrate the ideas in a way that seems to be fruitful! Yay for helpful conversations!
IDK I’m not so impressed by this guy. As a counterpoint: Maybe it’s easy for him to say that because people shop for him. I just learned that women make more than 80% of all purchases in the US. Because traditionally wives/moms buy the food, furnishings, cleaning products, toiletries, clothes, supplies - most everything - for their households. Not to mention gifts/holidays. So maybe it’s easy to say he’d rather make a meal with his partner. But SOMEBODY had to go to the store and buy the ingredients (or place a delivery order). This exchange reminds me of two things in my life recently. One is that the husband of our friends prides himself and never ordering from Amazon or getting delivery from anything. The ironic thing is that he never buys anything. He just tells his wife to do it. So he’s never ordered diapers from target, but his wife just does it. So literally she’s buying 90% of things and spending her time shopping. It’s also important to know that both of them work. Secondly, it reminds me that just yesterday my husband was agog over how much the credit card was up. And he complained about me spending money, as if I’m frivolously buying things, but it was all household things and new spring/summer clothes for kids. Obviously kids need new clothes/shoes/outerwear practically ever year or even twice a year - crazy how that adds up. I asked him if he wanted to shop for the kids next time, to which he quickly replied “no no no it’s OK you do it.” How quickly he forgets that I need to do this regularly. He automatically jumps to “Mama‘s spending money” As opposed to “Mama’s making sure we’re closed, fed, and comfortable.” Lastly, in our culture, women are encouraged to look nice and wear make up and do their hair and have a good clothes. Yes, we don’t have to conform to that. But we often do or have been socialized to do so. It’s really complicated, but to generally maintain a put together image or home we have to spend some time shopping. Men don’t have that standard. Meanwhile my husband still gets clothes for Christmas from his parents and he’s 41 years old. The guy never needs to but his own socks 🤣 sometimes people just shop for men as if they’re helpless I can’t do it themselves, or, need to be dotted on and cared for, OR Can’t be bothered with such feminine - type tasks. LONG rant but a portion of shopping is labor that mostly women do, so I’m just a little annoyed that this man Took that stance. Probably just because I’m surrounded by men that never buy diapers or kids clothes shampoo or dish soap. Like yeah, there’s other things to do in life besides shopping…. But somebody’s gotta do it. It’s easy to look down upon it but remember that it’s woman’s work generally.
you’re so right! but i also think outside the context of this man it is important to think about why so much of our joy is often tied to chasing things (not essentials but fun things). at least for me it is
know I’m 100% disgruntled and crabbing in this comment 🤣🤣 But seriously I don’t think this guy gets accolades for being ‘above wasting his one and precious life shopping’. How much of over-shopping is socialized into women from a young age, watching women having to do so much of it or even all of it? And watching men do so little or even none of it? Yes over consumption and over spending is a personal choice, But somehow having to be a feminine activity gives it an extra level of shame/guilt that I believe men are often exempt from. Nobody would give me accolades if I as a woman said something like “I’m never going to spend my one and precious life sitting on the couch staring at the TV watching football“. {no offense to football😆 but you know what I mean). It’s as useful as somebody who’s hardly had a drink in their life talk to people with alcoholism about how great it is not to drink alcohol. Or somebody who’s never struggled with an eating disorder talking to people with AN or BED about how wonderful it is to live a life without binging on pints of ice cream and how life is too precious to do so.
@@wplants9793 lol thank you, i meet so many men who dismiss women's interests (including shopping) b/c they'd rather do more meaningful and deep things like (insert interest here, which isn't inherently deep or meaningful, but is deemed as such because it is a man enjoying it). it wears me out
I LOVED this. It runs along the lines of a favourite bible verse from Matthew 6:25 that reads “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?” Jesus is gently reminding us that consumption doesn’t equal life and living. Living requires consumption but it is not living life, just facilitating it.
I love these thoughtful, analytical videos, Hannah. I know they may not do the best with the algorithm, but watching you think out loud are why your videos are the ones about which I get most excited. As to your question, “How do I be like that?”-I imagine you’re already doing some or most of what I’m about to say (except for the last bit, since you’re young), but I find that mindfulness and gratitude practices go a long way toward being content and knowing that I’m loving my life. I write down 3 things for which I’m grateful every day, and knowing that I need to have the 3 things every night keeps me extra alert to moments of beauty and grace throughout the day, even things as simple as a certain slant of light falling on a vase of flowers. Also, it helps to stop every now and then to notice how content I am to be cooking dinner while listening to a favorite podcast or to get a hug and kiss from my wife as she passes through the room. The part that’s a little dark and probably comes from age and/or hard experience is knowing how fragile and temporary all this happiness may be. Every night as I cuddle my wife on the couch, in the back of my mind is the knowledge that we might not have each other for ever and that I never want to think I wasted a day with her not fully aware of how much I love her. I also had a bit of cancer a while back-fully curable; I was very lucky-but it also reminded me to love my garden and the natural world and to notice it and be glad I can still enjoy it. Forgive the long post, but your thought made me think. 🤎
Another thought provoking video Hannah. As a social work student this reminds me of the DBT idea of “creating a life worth living” and shopping is an addiction or compulsion that is incompatible with living your life. Because creating and forging your life is hard and takes consistent and hard work for years to decades and doing something small and slightly destructive feels so much easier than doing the hard work.
Oh wow, this video was exceptionally timely for me, and I cannot tell you how grateful I am that you mentioned DBT. ♥ Many of its elements are key to the professional work I am doing right now (bringing mental wellness practices into cultural tourism & local experiences, among other things) and the insane (but joyous) personal journey I am on, lol! DBT gives me a great framework to think about all this and to communicate my ideas to all the many demographics I need to get on board. I am doing work that excites me deeply and feels like my true calling, and I am seeing how I must let go of my fantasy selves to have the energy and clear thought that I need.
@@goldengrace2833 I think that would be great! Or just one on shopping addiction. I think it's a very underrated compulsion. I did EMDR around my shopping and the trauma that it was related to. I had never been able to stop shopping for longer than a couple weeks before that.
@@montananerd8244 I wonder if some version of the fantasy self is good because it's something to aspire to. However, shopping won't get you there. Kind of a radical acceptance approach, like you need to accept your current situation to be able to change your future. Then you ned to change your behaviors to become closer to your fantasy self
Yes! I used to Hate shopping - it was a time and money suck and I never came out with “things” I loved. Now, I love to find the pieces that I know I want and have planned to buy. Knowing my style, keeping a shopping list, buying second hand, and focusing on aesthetics has helped me to live with inspiring things and using that money and time more wisely. ❤
oh my god please philosophize all the time i loved this so much!! as a undergrad philosophy major who loves beautiful things and also happens to be going through, ah, "growing pains" in life rn, as i think often happens upon graduating college and also just in life "post"- pandemic, i feel like this video was made for me personally and i love it so much
I love his take on shopping because it's the complete opposite for me. When I was younger up until I was about 25 years old, I was overweight. That made me hate shopping because I always felt self-conscious, nothing ever fit correctly and the items I did I never liked. So I wasn't able to really experiment with fashion, I felt like. When I lost the weight, I all of a sudden started really loving it, because it made me feel like I could finally express mu identity in a different way, and not just through my hair or make-up, which was luckily a creative outlet I did enjoy. This is why I absolutely love to go shopping, alone but even more so with friends and family who also love to do so. I especially love going to consignment shops because they hold more special pieces that I'm not able to find in regular shops. I especially love the older prints and colours. To me, shopping with someone give me life. Makes me really w joy life, and it's not just about buying, it's about enjoying the creativity I see in front of me. Another reason I might like it so much, is because I have an avoidant personality disorder and social phobia, so getting out of the house is difficult. Often time I feel like I'm missing out on life. But going shopping is a low threshold for me, it doesn't scare me to do that and to leave my house for it, so that's the time I feel like I'm actually doing something outside. Particularly if it's visiting smaller shops so you stroll outside and not at a mall where you're inside the entire time.
I understand the time constraints! I work full time, but am also drawing and writing a graphic novel series and doing the house and garden and making all my clothes and food. Going shopping is not only exhausting, but it takes too much time. I also don't drive, so going shopping is more of a production. However, what I find is that even if I want to go shopping, I'm usually disappointed. I only go shopping with friends, so I can visit with them, but that is often less of a shop and more of a visit. Most of what I make is so much better than anything I could buy (and fits!) that my expectations are whacky. I also won't buy supplies anymore, which is what I used to shop for, because I've found that diving into the craft makes the supplies fall off. You hone in on the media that you like and don't need to explore supplies. Also, as you age, you've read so much and gotten so much music and movies, that you don't need to get more, because you've filled that up, so to speak. Even travel has a limit. Walking to work every day seems more fulfilling to me than travel because you focus on the moment and the changes and widen the experience. It's like everything gets richer, so you take time with that experience rather than darting. I'm getting to the point where I just want to be there, not even talk, not because of discontent, but because of the richness of the moment. You must realize that you are very young. My life didn't feel good enough until I was 60! You're going there very quickly, you're already addressing and aware of so much more than others. Love is attention. I've found that drawing something you have to love it, because you spend the time to pay attention. The more you attend, so to speak, the more love you have with just the moment around you.
I'm shopping for my bridal outfit, and it's been the most infuriating experience. Not only is my time precious to me, it also has a measurable monetary value based on what my employer is willing to pay me. In that sense, I've easily spent thousands of dollars of time simply searching for my dress, my shoes, my lipstick, etc. Maybe it's the engineer in me speaking, but I wish there were like a worldwide market database where I could filter by 10+ criteria based on the product I'm looking for, and know immediately if the object in my vision exists and where I can buy it from.
the reason this man dislikes shopping is actually akin to the reason i enjoy shopping. shopping for me is more about exploration. discovery. the tactile enjoyments. obviously if those things are not things you enjoy or are important to you then you would dislike shopping. but if those things ARE bringing a sense of fascination to your life, then it is "worth your time"
I've been struggling with how shopping for makeup fits in to this struggle for me. On one hand, constantly hitting the dopamine button is not great for the brain. On the other hand, I do find pleasure in applying my makeup. I enjoy color. It is truly something that brings me joy. So, I don't want to stop out the joy in applying my makeup and keeping things fresh to find balance for obsessive / compulsive behavior. I want to balance that instead. Finding the blanace can be a bit tricky though.
@@MoonlitSunflower balance is definitely key! It took me a while but I think I got to a place where I felt I wasn't missing something anymore which also included me getting realistic with myself about things I *dont* use or dont need multiples of because one suffices.
Oh my gosh, I haven’t finished watching but immediately had to share-this year for my birthday I asked my non-shopping wife to come shopping with me! We went to Eileen Fisher and she patiently watched and commented while I tried on 5 million different styles of pants. I felt very loved 😂❤
I love the idea that there are people immune from consumerism and what makes them? - are they just naturally that way? I want a National Geographic special on them! 😄I think shopping *can* be an expression of aesthetic joy... but for me, it so quickly becomes something compulsive and not fun at all. Instead of the answer to a problem, it becomes another problem, and the objects become their own set of problems. And life is already so complicated! I can see how extreme stress makes me need an easy outlet. But now I think, hey, any minute I spend doing anything *other* than shopping is a speck of time I've wrested back from a culture that wants me to view myself as a consumer above all else, and I believe those little specks add up, and it's worth valuing them all. Interesting side effect - when I've wrested my attention away from shopping, I also lose interest in social media. It's almost like those two things work together to keep us perpetually distracted and on the surface of existence.
Wow. This is really making me see shopping in a different way. I spent hours trying on clothes a few weeks ago so that I could put together a few new outfits for an upcoming vacation. The shopping actually wasn’t that fun. It was time consuming and expensive and the dressing rooms were so hot. The fun part was imagining the different things I was going to do and see on this trip with people that I love. Going grocery shopping isn’t fun for me, but the cooking and sharing a meal with my husband is. I’ve fooled myself into thinking that there is any actual joy and fun in the shopping itself.
PS- I went on the vacation and had a great time, but it would have been an equally as lovely trip with my old clothes. I didn’t really need to spend $200+ on new tops and a new skirt.
@@Marsolan I like this. We do give clothes and stuff more credit and value than they really deserve. Or, since bying them is the outcome of our actions, we give those actions more value. But they are not the right actions to get a more fulfilled life. I will reflect on this more. Great comment ❤️
@@Mina_Susnjevic very sweet of you. Prior comment resonated with me because I would go shopping just to get new clothes to go on vacation. It made me think that maybe I can do a little experiment. Next time I go on vacation or get ready for a special event , I will not buy new clothes. I bet I will survive.😂😂😂
It depends on where I'm going, of course, but I like to buy one or two clothing items or accessories at the place where I'm spending my vacation. This way the item becomes a reminder of a beautiful time that I had somewhere.
I'm on the verge of something enlightening. My brain has not gotten as far as yours has yet but with each of your videos for the past few months it has gotten closer. This one actually moved me to tears. Fantastic. Thank you so much.
It doesn't need to be appearance-based fantasies, either. (Clothing, makeup etc, home decor, etc) Hobbyists very often have fantasy selves. A quilter might make a quilt or 2 a year, but buys fabric, machines, notions, gear as if making a dozen, for example. I'm a quilter so that example is easy for me, but pick any hobby. People buy partly to put off doing. If I just have this piece of equipment, I'll be able to do ... whatever. If I just have the right 2 fabrics, I can match them with the stuff I already have and make the masterpiece. But they don't ever do it. They always need 1 more thing.
I was at the "farm & home" store in my old hometown last weekend - I needed warmer pants and my town doesn't have much for reasonably priced clothing. I realized I could use the opportunity & get things that would work for wild food foraging, my very favorite hobby & a safe source of dopamine for most of us bipolars. I had no buyer's remorse, and no post-shopping let down. I never questioned anything but the $55 hat, did some more research & easily decided to keep it (a hat that truly stays on the head without a chin strap is a gem). I realized my reaction was because these clothes have a true purpose. I am a longtime forager so they'll get much use and will eventually be very stained, which only increases their beauty in my mind. I wore my new functional utility jeans to work yesterday like a fashionista, very delighted in how well they work (I work in a museum & national monument, lots of grunt labor lol). I never even checked how I looked til the 3rd time I wore them. Buying something genuinely good and useful felt so much better and did not kick up a desire for more, or to see what was better. It just felt so real and good and correct, rather than chasing clothing, jewelry, & makeup like that's the only way to have beauty in my life. Also these new slim straight leg utility jeans look sooooooo good in the bum lol...
I would like to posit: what if one loves the action of shopping? As an activity. As an act. The hunt, the inspiration, the inquisitive decision-making, the final purchase, rinsing and repeating. Currently, I don’t shop often. I don’t even feel unhappy in my life. There are things I am unhappy with (my weight) but I’m not under any delusions. Do I get carried away sometimes? Sure, but not often and not in ways that break the bank. I love shopping, as a hobby. And as a 31 year old, I think I’m okay with that. ❤still, an excellent video and my favorite content of yours, so please keep them coming!!!!!!
My stress from shopping is due to the ever changing unreliabilty of brands and the often extremely low quality options available. This makes it work for me to shop intelligently.
Genuinely what a profound explanation to not like shopping. I personally don’t find myself shopping or want to shop most of time, and I have a ton of time to do art and etc.
I love it when you meet people in person and have a conversation that makes your brain fizzle like champagne. Its something i missed so much in the pandemic and even now still working from home. I love your videos for the depth of thought you share for this very reason - but its always wonderful in person and i’m happy you had that experience meeting your peers x
I think this is part of why finding brands and products that I like and trust is so important to me. I want to know what I'm getting into with a product so that I have more time to live my life. It's also why I love your channel. Hannah, you have helped me so much over the last few years.
I understand the sentiment. I don't think it's black and white, and definitely in a capitalistic society, it is easy to slip into buying as a plan to increase life satisfaction (which usually ends up being futile). But as someone who has gone through periods of life where I could and could not purchase things on a whim, I sincerely appreciate the added value that the act of shopping brings to my life. I feel true satisfaction when I have researched a product that adds the intended value to my life. I believe shopping can be a genuine experience in itself, "living" per se, if you perceive of it that way. Valuing what we have is important to our self acceptance, but I don't believe shopping is inherently a shallow and dissociative act to outrun oneself. Everyone invests in what gives them joy/meaning in some way. Wearing and having things that bring us pleasure is a worthwhile endeavor in the human experience, imo. It's the reason I have no desire to live in the Kardashian concrete block house. A lot of my precious memories are of shopping, being with friends, interacting with items relevant to culture of that time period, that people who don't shop would have no memory of. It doesn't make those memories less meaningful because they occurred in a mall or a Walmart (there was not much to do in a small town). My time is precious, and I revel in my ability to indulge myself in beauty as a rebellion to a society that told me I was vapid for having any interest in it. Things like makeup and fashion, when women consume them, are not considered hobbies in the way other interests are, and I think that's unfair. Beauty without any reservation, for me, is an act of rebellious femininity--not a conformist act. And shopping (not necessarily spending money) is also a hobby and interest deemed unworthy, often to straight white cis men because it's not seen as valuable. I'll be in the corner arguing that it is valuable.
That lovely gentleman's response to why he hates shopping, sums up why I dislike shopping. There are SO many other things I'd much rather do with my time! If I do need to get something, I'll get it online. If I have to do it in person, I'll just go in, get it and leave! 😁
I love your thought proviking videos so much. I have BPD and severe anxiety, I have recently finished a one year DBT group and learned that shopping for things will never give me a life worth living. For me the responsibily of owning too many things and realizing no matter what I buy will never change anything about my life has made me think about shopping in a very different way now. I wait a long time to buy something and often buy nothing at all and it has helped my anxiety so much. Thank you for the great videos.
This video is spot on, so deep and .. well, it has hit the nail in the head. I love it. I love these videos of yours. Bravo! I feel the same when my husband mocks my shopping… he states he would rather have experiences and live - doing things! Rather than buying objects. I know he is right as I know I am not satisfied deeply from buying towards my “fantasy self” but it is one hell of a habit to break!
He kind of hit the nail on the head. He is satisfied with what he is. In the most positive way which doesn’t exclude development or future changes. Wow. I like that. A lot. Thank you for your videos Hannah. I’m pretty new to your channel. Just saw / listened to 3 in the row while drawing. All of them were truly interesting and thought producing, hugs
To me the answer to "how do you love what you have" is by loving who you are. I'm 23 and I realise more and more that I shop when I want to be a different version of me than I am. That discontent you mention is so clearly related to self-confidence/insecurity and allows the fantasy self to reappear. When I feel good, the fantasy self has no doubts to grab onto and I am resistant to the marketing and shopping.
This is such an eloquent video. I've been working so much in the past year through therapy on loving my life, myself, building a life that I want to love. And shopping is such a contentious thing for me. I will often spend hours hunting for the best version of a thing for me only to turn around and buy the cheapest version because I feel so much guilt about wanting the lavish thing even though it's within my budget and I've made a plan. I end up spending more time and money than I ever need to just on research only to throw it all to the wind. Lately I've been really working on follow through and I've been finishing a lot of books I haven't had the follow through for before. Your video on the fantasy self was so impactful to me. How can I read books and wear mysterious perfumes if I don't let myself buy the one perfume I want instead of the set of samples I don't. How can I read books if I don't ever actually read them. I have to let go of shame and let myself do what I love.
This is a wonderful video! I'm going through a bit of a 'fallow' period in the progression of my life at the moment and I've definitely noticed (online) shopping is something almost like a painkiller that palliates the sense of unease or anxiety, but it ultimately is just a way for the brain to not look at the hard work ahead. I think in times when there's lots of hard work in front of us, it feels especially hard to love one's life and so that desire to 'look away' from the work and fall into consumerism becomes ever more intoxicating. Acknowledging that dynamic through your framing is a much more true and clear way to look at one's self.
This is incredibly astute, like, "The best things in life are free." Shopping is almost like the parenthesis to prepare ourselves for how we want to be living.
I beg of you to please create this kind of content more often as it will save me from myself this year. I have started my no buy year last Sunday as it’s my son’s birthday and I am determined to see it through, thanks to you. This video from you is such of great insight and inspiration that hit me so hard. I am so thankful, Hannah. Your work is of so much value to me.
I hear what he's saying, there have for sure been times when I go shopping to get a feeling of control over my life or because I'm not happy. But when that's not happening, when I am at a healthy place I still love shopping. I love all the colors and the textures I experience as I do in person shopping.
I think I'll always indulge in "shopping behaviour" (citation: HLP) because I like looking at beautiful things and reflecting on my taste and needs etc., but I think I've got a pretty good handle on buying things that I will use and resisting the lure to buy my way into a different life. I see this sometimes with my partner where he'll buy things for a new habit he wants to start before ever doing the hobby, and sometimes it stops there, and I try to gently encourage him to start with the doing of the hobby with what we already have, or with minimal cost, and then if he finds he really enjoys it, to spend more money on it. It can feel so much easier to plan to do the thing than to do the thing, but it's only a short term reward.
I literally felt a stomach drop when you said what he said... Time is the most precious thing we could ever own, so why do I waste that buying & maintaining way too much stuff that doesn't make me happy anyway, when all I really need is time to LIVE... It's so backwards... 😮 Damnnn this one hit like a ton of bricks... I am enough, I have enough... Thank you sooo much Hannah for sharing..... ❤
Hannah, I love your content, especially your philosophical content exploring the question of the love of beauty. I've been a lurking fan for over a year now, and recommend your channel to friends and family. 💗As for the question of "How do you be like that?" I think it's one of those IYKYK things, because of loss, grief, or going through a tough challenge and coming out the other side. That seems to be a theme in the comments, and I resonate with that from my personal experiences (moving across the country, selling my house, going through a divorce and becoming a single mom, exploring my queer identity, trying to re-establish my career in a new place with minimal contacts, facing financial challenges). I'm now in a much more stable and happy place, and I have an active gratitude practice because I am thankful for all of my strength going through those challenges, the choices I've made to shape my current reality, and the good fortune and kindness from others I've received along the way.
How did you feel hearing this person's statement? (I am bad at asking open questions so I continue to contour my thoughts in the subpar way) Have you felt any resistance to the implication that shopping - smth you enjoy as much as you struggle with it - is a waste of time? I must admit, I am a bit sad thinking of how my personal shopping behaviour doesn't directly compete with more valuable activities - I rather feel like I fill empty spaces with it that could not just like that be filled with "proper living" (spending time with loved ones, creativity and such). That's why the statement envokes shame and regret within me, although I am 100% sure that this was not the intent of the speaker whatsoever. I wonder whether anyone also felt this vulnerable hearing that statement?
I feel like his response was just a pretty way of saying 'shopping is a waste of time...i have better things to do'. For me it feels like the classic male superiority thing where things that are generally female are less than. Obviously anything can be bad if overdone but I think if spending time looking at things fills your cup, you shouldn't feel guilty about that.
@@emilytronnes8350 Interesting, Emily! Yeah, this phenomenon of downplaying female coded behaviour might explain my intuitive resistance. I want to add though that Hannah described the interaction as overall pleasant and the person to be mature and honest, so I choose to trust her antennae that it was not plain sexism at play. Rather, I see where the speaker - and Hannah in her essay - are going with this and I want to folllow along, but my somewhat hurt feelings are making it more difficult...
@@janaxolotl It's so hard to assume positive intent in this situation! Simply because most of the time,even with the kindest of people, it's a subtle critique rooted in the patriarchy. He may not even be aware of it! I think we can assume my feelings are slightly hurt as well 😅.
It sounds like you had what I call "the gong of truth" moment. We hear or see something - and it's so much the very thing we're ready to/need to hear it's like it resonates or shines in our minds, both in that moment and after - BOOM!
Hannah you are so amazing! This is not the first video in which you’ve opened my mind to itself but it is the first time I felt real resistance within myself and wow did that show me how much I needed to hear it 😮 And the comment section is such a beautiful offering of self transparency and compassionate curiosity as well, thank you all!!
Hannah, I love your philosophical take on beauty and enjoying the things we already have. Your thoughtful content really sets you apart in this community.
just watched this and your previous fantasy self video and these are certainly all points that touch my life as well. One thing that is stirring in me is that in seemingly every area, I have two Fantasy selfs at war. There's the me that wants a quiet, simple, peaceful life, and then there's me who wants to change the world, do great earth-shattering deeds. There's me who wants to dress in graphic bold yet minimal styles and me who wants do dress like a wood-elf. There's me who is curious about every story out there and me who wants to consume less media. As I am pondering this I think that from this tension can come confusion and even pain, especially if I think I will only be "worthy" or "happy" when I have completely reached one of these fantasy selfs. I also think that some of the most unique parts of who I am come out of this network of tension.
I have severe clinical depression, so bad, I can't work, be employed. I have so many wishes that aren't relatable to buying stuff: living on my own, creating stuff, traveling, hanging out with friends... But because I'm stucked at home, no medicine helps me, my only thing to looking forward are parcels of my orders. I finally stopped myself from buying new make-up, also thanks to you Hanna. I've even stopped watching new make-up releases videos because I'm so overwhelmed with beauty industry. But now I found clothes and purses and it's hard again to stop myself. I'm stuck in this mental hell and sadly those 5 minutes of happiness of new thing are filling my void. I wish for a life and mentality your colleague has. I wish I could see the world instead of mindless online (window) shopping. I'm sorry for this sad comment 😅.
I am sorry Bridget. I have been there ❤❤. I have severe medical problems that have left me unable to work also. People do not understand, think being home all day is so wonderful when in reality I would do anything to be able to work and have a “normal” life. So, like you, I find small amounts of “happiness” in shopping” Yes, it’s not TRUE happiness but when you have so little what can you do? I am sending you gentle hugs and as many good vibes as I can!
Bro this blew my little bird brain. How DO you love what you have? I feel like I've dramatically cut back on shopping and even browsing and I do my little tasks and watch my youtube videos but one thing remains continuous: I always yearn. I always want. I always have this little fantasy future for which I have no idea how I'd get there and it's not even about STUFF, it's more abstract than that. And I've just.. never known what to do. I know a lot of it stems from negative self talk/self beliefs and a lot of THAT is based on trends from childhood and even through my 20s but damn. I just turned 32 two days ago and I'm over here still yearning, still wishing for my life to just be better in a general sense of the term, and still not knowing how to obtain it, move toward it, etc. And I don't know how to like what I have, either. Up creek, no paddle?
I feel this when I spend too much time on social media. I say out loud to myself “I would rather be doing X if I truly have free time”. If I’m working it helps me redirect, if I am actually using my free time it sometimes encourages me to go read or yoga or skate or actually call a person I’m seeing on IG. Love this!
I so appreciate your openness to other people’s thoughts and opinions. When you first mentioned his reply to you, I bristled. I was surprised by my initial response to be offended, but you opened yourself to the idea of his approach to life and it blossomed for you. In turn, you opened my eyes to several things, two of which are: 1) Listen and think the best of people first (ie: I’ve become cynical) and 2) I need to find out who I really am after my Christian evangelical deconstruction for the past 3 years (and this doesn’t have to include constantly shopping and distracting myself from the horrors of my inner mind). Thank you for the light you shine.
Chatty GRWM's are the reason that back in the day we all did 75K steps in our makeup because that what was needed to summarize half a season of True Blood or whatever...as you might be able to tell from my screen name, I have OCD --the hoarding type and have always struggled with shopping. I have this mode, my husband calls my "shopping trance" where an infinite amount of time can pass while I'm indecisively going through the isles at walgreens spiraling over choosing a micellar water when I've used the same one successfully for 5 years and don't need another one, but am worried that I might be missing out on some miraculous new/better/cheaper micellar water. I have set alarms on my phone, had my husband call me to remind me and other ways of breaking out of the trance. With my OCD, my therapist has suggested asking myself the question "will this purchase help or hurt my recovery from OCD Hoarding." Of course the answer is almost always "will hurt" but of course you still need stuff, so the REAL answer is not to fall into the trap of "buying to try" every new micellar water. I need to try to keep in mind that spending time in a shopping trance is taking away from the part of my life that I actually want to be living...
I love shopping because it feels like a treasure hunt. I also think of fashion and makeup as functional art and a way of communicating and expressing yourself. There are some days that I enjoy the process of putting on makeup, but others that I don't feel like wearing it. I stopped covering my gray hair, because I wasn't enjoying the process. I still love stlibg and caring for my hair. Its just fun to me. I think we can love ourselves, our lives, live well, and enjoy shopping. I am aiming more for contentment, but have come to realize that for me to be content, I like changing things, improving things, and learning and finding out about new things.
I used to hate shopping because I never had money as a child so we were rarely able to get anything I’d want. I got used to window shopping and knowing I couldn’t get anything. Then when I started having money, I got stressed because I had limited money and I struggled to find what I needed for a price I could afford. Now that I have much more money it’s more pleasant. I can splurge on things I enjoy. I love being able to buy the things towards my enjoyment. I bought a fun dress with polka dots and it brings me so much joy every time I wear it.
I like going to the mall because for me it is a planned social outing with friends or family. Having a list, sticking to it and actually finding what I’m looking for or trying to and also helping other people find what their looking for is fun 🤷♀️
I have another perspective on the matter of disliking shopping. I'm not sure if anyone watching this video will be able to empathize with me. But, I would like to offer this other viewpoint. These discussions about shopping make me feel like a bit of an alien in this world. For me, shopping in a mall or any store (even a grocery store) is sensory hell. The lights are too glaring and bright. The music and periphery sounds are too loud. Too many smells. Too many textures. Too many people. Too many choices. Not enough choices. There are either sales people unavailable for questions or sales people hovering, providing me no time or space to process. Too much that doesn't actually interest me. It is all overwhelming. I cannot find that which I seek. It renders me unable to process my surroundings in the store, unable to think. Unable to function. This may sound dramatic to many people, but this is the experience of shopping for me. Currently, I have things that need to be replaced, but, because I put off shopping so long, brands do things like discontinue a favored article of clothing and I cannot find something comparable. I want the piece that I wore out completely. I have a sensory processing disorder among other things. So, shopping brings me no joy at all. It brings pain, distress and anxiety. Going into a store specifically for something I need is a chore. Sometimes, I consider it torture. Most of the time, I just can't find what I need; I have to give up and leave feeling completely defeated. I go home and feel the need to shut down like a computer that has overloaded and blue-screened.
Ugh, the pain of unfulfilled potential. Being stuck in boring office jobs as the decades pass will make that fantasy self shine loud and clear. I don’t even know what I would spend my free time doing now without shopping. I like the idea of the other commenter’s ritual of gratitude every evening..will try it.
Wow, this was unexpected, but I love this in-depth analysis of our consumer culture. I think some of us(maybe unknowingly or not), use shopping as a means of escape. Maybe we know that our lives are not what we wish them to be at the moment and maybe sometimes the ability to change them, escapes us. But shopping doesn't. It's gives us beauty, confidence, security and allows us to carry on sometimes even when we believe that we no longer can.
I’m so glad I found your corner of TH-cam, these are the types of conversations and reflections I want to indulge in. I really respect you and find your content inspiring 😊
Hey Hannah, have you ever looked into Buddhism? A major component of it is that we are in a constant state of dissatisfaction due to either not getting what we want or like you said “getting what we want” and it being not up to the fantasy, or the fleeting nature of that happiness. Mind you I am also still on that journey of “how do you be like that guy” but it shows that expel have been thinking about this for thousands of years!!! I think it is worse though than it was then
yes, I've been a lifelong student of Buddhist ideas, at some times more fervently than others! Right now I've been digging further into some of them with my friend and mentor Julia Frodahl who I've mentioned a few times on my channel, she runs the compassion class: bit.ly/3MgoC6D
I really needed this video today, I’m in a no buy year and had a frenzy adding clothes to my basket for the first time this year. I hadn’t checked out yet as I realised I needed to step away and then… this video happened upon my ❤️ thank you
I can so relate to this! My shopping baskets are full in all my usual apps, but before cheking them out I step away. And after a week or so I go in and remove all items - realizing I did not need them from start. As a result, now I feel less tempted to go to the apps knowing how the time spent there will end. But I see this as a necessary process to succeed in my low buy year 💪🏻
Hannah, I so appreciate how your mind works on a topic over time. Thank you for sharing your process and your wondering’s. A little clue in my own muse on the topic came during your video on monotone dressing. I’m finding nothing brings me more joy than creating with what I already have! It’s such a thrill to realize an idea with my stash (paints, makeup, clay, clothing). Once in a while I’ll notice what I’m missing, but it’s not really the finding in selection that I enjoy (not the hunt, per say) but the creating of combinations of what I’ve assembled.
I did that this weekend as well after being inspired by the monotone dressing idea. I wore a lavender blouse with some plum dress pants that I would've never thought to put together!
I love this video and can relate so much. I do not love shopping and when I have to I am very focused. I know my taste, my body, my lips ... you name it. It is very rare that marketing tricks me and the reason for my no buying habbit is my lack of money when I was a student on the one hand and my wish to own less and less the older I get on the other hand. I am 45 now, work full time, my finances are stable and I know how much work owning is. You have to hunt down items and you have to mantain them. A big home is a lot of work, a huge closet is even more work, a huge make-up collection ... I have only one face. I prefer owning less, using and loving my handpicked items, taking good care for them and still have time (and money!) for travelling, museums, reading, enjoying nature or visiting a concert. One could say I prefer quality over quantity and I do not believe in a magical garment/lipstick/designer bag which changes my life dramatically . I am the magic and only I can change my life. All that said I believe in balance. Spoiling myself or my loved ones with something one can buy is a very nice treat here and there.
"dissatisfaction has been sown among us" wow and yes. I love thrift shopping so I started a little shop as a side hustle. When my kid got sick two years ago every bit of my life became devoted to getting them healed and diagnosed and eventually accepted into college. I stopped my career and stayed with my small shop and learned to live with much less $. And I love that I get to do this thing that I love so much while getting to love my family and have more time for them. The gift of time that was exchanged to fully being mama to a kid who needed all of me. I have no dissatisfaction at all. I am filled. I am full of love. I am full of joy. Thank you for this video Hannah.
Very interesting video, I love video on the phylosophy of shopping. Maybe this is a cultural difference, I live in France and i think his response and his argument is a very common response, especially for men. I go throught phases. I love thinking of buying the missing piece in my wardrobe, doing my research, planning. Buying it is mostly the least fun part because it ends the fantasy. And there is the phase where shopping feels like such a waste of time and I would rather just « live my life » than doing it. Most of the time I’m in the second
Wow bravo to that guy! What a revelation, I got a bit emotional! Really puts into perspective where the compulsion to shop may be coming from. Thank you for sharing, I really needed to hear that!
Wondering if shopping can be a hobby for some and this is something they Like to do? Posing this question bc I saw something recently in my mission to find something different to fill my time...a list of hobbies that included Shopping!! It never occurred to me before that this was a hobby. Like something some people are just good at? I love going to the grocery store and we have to have food and other things to support our life (the opposite of what may be the point of this video), and I enjoy picking from what's available etc.
i've been watching you religiously for the past year, but never commented. have been going shopping for the past two days since my mom came over and it felt so terrible and i couldn't place why, but then you dropped this video and finally it all makes sense. love your content so much, thank you for sharing your thoughts. you have changed my life in so many small (but important) ways and i can't wait to learn more from you and people around you
I absolutely love it when you post these kinds of videos. They never fail to make me think in a deeper/different way and examine things I hadn't even known needed examining. Thank you.
I KNEW IT. I knew it in my bones that you were an academic researcher. you're too methodical and procedural to be just intuitively analytical. you're problem-solving approach is based on an academic foundation and it shows and it demands respect and trust. it's easy for this comment to come off as off-putting due to the rampant anti-intellectualism in the US, but I assure you, this is high praise ❤
@@theprousteffect9717 I feel this nuance is really important: and that's because bow anti-intellectualism is so normalized in the US. im a scientist that grew up in a country that puts as much worth on education as it does on beauty (w equal amount of toxicity for good measure) and got my undergrad and grad education in the US. i don't have to make a note about sincerity and tone when I discuss the value and the effects of education with those from my OG country cz that's part of the self worth discourse. oppressive countries create a categorical appreciation for education that is systematically lacked in other countries that are less tyrannical. especially being plagued by wars and having lost generations of men as soldiers, your value system changes. when i was growing up a person (man or woman) could easily compensate for beauty by their college entrance exam score (we have a national ranking system not standardized testing. everyone takes the exact exam and gets ranked. you get a literal number value to demonstrate you're better or worse than the next person). it's really important that people understand all aspects of what anti intellectualism does to one's self worth as a whole AND with nuances. especially in the East, calling someone educated, not just intelligent, but educated, is paying respect to the petson because it is being implied that this person's effort to make themselves better is seen and felt. there's so much nuance to it.
Agree 100% I actually cancelled my makeup subscriptions a week ago, and I feel its for the best. I will use my mental space to find joy in other things instead of the dopamine effect of getting a newer things that I don't cherish.
Love this perspective! I just started reading ‘Stolen Focus’ as you had recommended, which fits so well into this conversation! So few people give consideration to why they are living the life they are and what they are willing to give their time and attention to.
Reminds me of a quote from the astronaut Chris Hadfield: “Decide in your heart of hearts what really excites and challenges you, and start moving your life in that direction. Every decision you make, from what you eat to what you do with your time tonight, turns you into who you are tomorrow, and the day after that. Look at who you want to be, and start sculpting yourself into that person. You may not get exactly where you thought you'd be, but you will be doing things that suit you in a profession you believe in. Don't let life randomly kick you into the adult you don't want to become.”
While I think your friend's answer to your question -- and your discussion of what he said -- is very insightful, I also feel an undercurrent of sadness. Not, certainly, for disliking shopping, but for the loss of so much time that is spent doing what robs one of the opportunities to do what brings joy. Obligations, work, etc. take time and, to be responsible humans, we need to do them. We should do them. What is sad is that those things can take over our lives until we must steal, if we can, opportunities to do what brings us joy.
I really appreciate your work - you make this weird addiction I have to beauty content SO much more interesting and worthwhile. "How do you become this person?" I don`t know Hannah! I am not this person either! But I have a suspicion the first step might be accepting that we are not this person and not wanting to be that person, either. It`s not a fully fledged thought yet. But quite possibly, whenever we want to be anyone else than who we are right now in this moment or anywhere else than where are right now we move away from ourselves and the lived experience and open the doors for sneaky thoughts of shopping...
I always struggle with buying new things as I tend to become overwhelmed with the reality that products take resources, and I crave an understanding of the full process. Where did every little ingredient come from? How was it claimed, and how was it manipulated? Who produced it, and what were the ecological impacts? I can get trapped in a mindset of this over curiosity to the point that I talk myself out of buying because frankly there are just too many questions that need answered. Maybe it's an obsession on my part, but I think that if we all are more aware of the realities that consumption comes with great costs, we can learn to appreciate what we already have and shop less for new things to fulfill the fantasy self image. I thoroughly enjoyed this video. Thank you for continuing to put out content that is aesthetically driven while also being contemplative.
I’m watching this after not buying anything during the mass of sales and advertising this weekend and this month in general. Your videos have helped me so much with my shopping problem. Thank you
Super powerful video. I’m rethinking the amount of time I spend scrolling for stuff, especially as I grow to love myself and my life more and more. However, I’m NOT rethinking the amount of time I spend watching HLP content, because it’s truly worth the time ✨
I literally have said that same exact thing in regards to never wasting my time running errands with my days off! The pandemic taught me to value my time so much so that any errands can now be tucked into the work week in order for me to maximize the time off that I do get. I found myself re-working the few errands I do have now in order to make even my work weeks smoother.
For me, I generally shopped with my mom and friends. It was a way to have conversation that may not be comfortable in other ways. I remember shopping with a friend when she got her first teaching job and the looking at clothes was part of becoming an adult with a real job.
I’ve never been a shopper but when my daughter was in her early teens, we did spend some Saturday mornings shopping and then having a meal together. They were precious times. Now we just do the meals together!
This video was so needed for me, I love makeup and I want to be able to male amazing looks but I would always just make lists of better makeup I need instead of actually practicing and getting better
It’s about being present in the moment , calm ,and happy.. Being mindful. For me shopping is dopamine filled overstimulation. In person it’s not pleasant… bad lighting, noisy, rushed . I love taking beautiful parcels home to slowly open and try
You are beautiful inside and out, Hannah! Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with us. I’ve experienced in my own life that when I step away from my vices… I experience more contentment, clarity, peace. All the good stuff. Lately I’ve been struggling in this department so your video is right on time. ❤
I used to very much live life like that; intentional, passionate, to the fullest. Hardship of various forms drove me away from it and I have been longing to return to me, myself as a person who does the things, spends the time and devotes the energy to the things that matter the most. I'm following my future in this endeavor with great interest! Thank you for this video ❤
A banger. A classic. I loved it. hahah. I feel very changed over the last several years by your content, Hannah. Like it got into the root of my root, where my issues didn't have the same shape as yours, but the underlying questions were all the same, and ponderings like this are so helpful. Ya know, your conclusion really made me think of something, which is a recommended decluttering method when you're trying to find your personal style in the midst of an overwhelming mess of clothing options. The method is not to approach a declutter by removing the things you don't like, but to instead dive into your closet and pull out all the things you love best. And AHA! That collection of things now spread on your bed? There it is: your style, your true self. And the magic of it all is that it had been right there, already in your presence, all along. Your final thoughts in this vid really mirrored this. This clearing away of the noise and the distractions and the flashy signs vying for attention, to reveal that you already had all these nuggets that you love best, love most. That there's a universe in which you pull those bits out onto your bed, all laid out safely, and you see them for what they are and that you want your life to take THEIR shape. That maybe finding a best life looks a little like that. Dunno, loved this, and so much more to think on.
Incredible articulate and right to the point. I am really excited when I see new videos uploaded with such titles! Are food for thought and you are the best at it! More, please! Cheers from Germany!
this is a bit goofy, but an episode of Bobs burgers sums this up - the plot is he goes to outdoor camping store to live in the fantasy of being an outdoorsman. the fantasy was of being a self sufficient man. I think its interesting because we so often align shopping with women and the feminine. the allure of the fantasy self happens to everyone.
At 20, I understood how money can change people. I'm 29 now and know I wasted my money on things I didn't really need, but at the same time I still made time for experiences. It's a balance. I refuse to regret my purchases, and still feel grateful to learn so much with better money habits and know what is worth the investment vs splurge. So don't be mad at yourself for what the corporate world has done to distract us from living a fulfilling life. We still have the power to turn it around. Love yourself!
I've rewatched this like 4 times since last night. Its such a gem. I was just thinking... I live in Nebraska. As you enter the state you'll see Nebraska ... the good life. I think for the most part I am satisfied with my life. I love it and the people in my life. I just quite honestly am a bit of a hoarder. I do have issues with the fantasy self and thinking about what I should be doing with my life and who I should be etc. But overall I am satisfied with my life. I think that being able to combat those moments of low self esteem where we attack ourselves with who we should be with recognizing that we love our lives is great. You ask. How can I be like that? I heard somewhere to become something you want, tell yourself you are. Imagine that you are and how it would feel. I practice tarot and I kep thinking of the 9 of Pentacles when you were talking about this guy, who is satisfied with living and with his life. The 9 of pentacles is a lovely card. So, if I want to be this man, or the woman displayed in the 9 of Pentacles I imagine that I am and how that would feel and what I would do if I were her. It's a very interesting way to alter your perception and shift yourself towards being what you want to be. So on a simplwr level instead of saying I want to be someone who drunks plenty of water, tell yourself I am someone who drinks plenty of water and do it.
Love this and totally relate to the buying hamster wheel. In the last 5 years, due to some big life challenges (sick parents, income loss, partner illness, etc) my body type has totally changed (I've gained a lot of weight and have had a hard time doing any kind of workouts). I've found I have a lot less interest in buying clothes - things just don't look as fabulous on me (I would describe my new style type as "norm-core mcSmushie") and I've gone deeper into my avocation (singing for folks in hospice). I love the art of fashion and colors, I love fine things, and all these wonderful paths of expression, but I'm just not as interested in the effort it takes. My available $$ and energy are much less AND given where my energy is focused these days, that kind of buying doesn't matter as much. I think that'll change as I move out of this crisis (eg I just had fun wish list shopping a poufy flame red gauze overlay dress), but it is clarifying. The most liberating decision I made with my life was was 20 years ago - I decided I didn't want my epitaph to read 'she got a lot of stuff done/she accomplished all these things' but to reflect how much love I had given and received in my life. That's a big difference. I recognize that I personally am happiest when I'm connecting - with myself, with others, with the bigger world. Very very occasionally, connecting like that involves buying things. My life is sometimes incredibly joyful, sometimes just OK, sometimes terrible, but overall, I am happy with my choices.
I feel dissatisfaction also comes from constantly doing things and thinking about them instead of being. Most people seem to have lost the balance between doing (and thinking also equals doing) and just being. Shopping and thinking about stuff to buy = doing. Enjoying time with your partner and cherishing the moment = being.
LOVED this video, Hannah
You're an inspiration
@@sarahmuth171I'm just stubborn and want to do everything🤣🤣🤣🥰
@@elisasegal8153 I'm a PhD student in theoretical physics but I love animals also, and my plan is to go to college for zookeeper after my career is more set in place. You inspire me not to give up on having more than one simultaneous dream.
@@sarahmuth171 LOVE IT! Multiple incarnations for all of us, baby💕
I love this! ❤
Here is how I love what I have: at 30 I became chronically ill. I lost my career, my independence, ability to have children and for five years on and off I lost the ability to get out of bed. I have slowly been restored to health and I now live in my hometown and work in the family business. If you’d told me in college this is where I’d be at 40 I would have been devastated. But I am so grateful to walk around the block, to accomplish my work tasks, to cook dinner. I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone but I don’t know how I would have reached this level of life satisfaction without losing everything first.
thank you so much for sharing this, Amanda 💗
Amanda I am bawling. We share much of the same story, but I am 52 and I am still quite ill, but I've gotten to a place (by working hard but also taking care of myself, not push push pushing) where I am so so so happy to be doing the work I am blessed with (history, public lands, cultural studies, accessibility, mental health, etc). 6 years ago I had to work as a plant lady and at subway as a fill-in, that's all I could handle. I am thriving now in many ways, not past the depression lol but it's coming along. But I had to embrace my little redneck shitkicker soul (I am a flaming queer liberal too lol) to radiate the authenticity needed to build the relationships that are allowing me to now do the big things I thought I would never get to do. Stay strong, care for yourself like you are your own child, and please never give up on your big ideas. The next step might be a new opportunity elsewhere or the job might become something amazing that will allow you to not only pursue a big dream, but to bring your own history, family, & community into the big dream too. I thought I wanted to wear the sharp blazer & cool sleek dress, so to speak, but it turns out I do my best marketing and presentations when I've got mud somewhere, and am wearing utility jeans, work boots, and a big ol' sweatshirt from a local historic site lol... and I think abstract and geometric art might feed the hunger for sleek fashion.
I'm happy for you that you've come to love your life. This is a great reminder tl be greatful for the small things in life. Thank you.
You're an inspiration.❤
I'm so glad for you, Amanda! I got sick at 41 and it's an uphill battle, but still fighting for a better new normal.
Resonated with this very much. I’m in my 40’s. I spent a lot of my younger years haunted by that sensation of “waiting for my life to begin” which was my version of the aspirational fantasy self. I had this idea that a life worth living, a really satisfying life had to be a BIG life. The glitz and glam presented to us through media. I had this idea that there were all these people out there doing fabulous and Very Important things all day every day. They were travelling and having delightful dinner parties, always with very interesting people. And I am sure there are some people out there who have elements of all those things regularly woven throughout their lives on those big scales. But they still have to do all the same ordinary things the rest of us have to do. Then I heard a Buddhist Monk talking about cultivating being unattached to our experiences, just observing them and being present to them and how this can lead to being profoundly moved by the simplest of things. One flower in a field. Light dappling through the trees. I mulled on that for a long time and realized that all those fabulous images I was longing for contained within them the simple things we all can have even if it’s not in glamours settings. I can have friends over for dinner and have stimulating conversations. In fact, I often do. We may be sitting on rickety patio furniture with one citronella candle burning, but it’s still beautiful. We take a trip every year. It might just be to a state park to go camping and not to some luxury spa in Bali, but it’s still beautiful and relaxing and rejuvenating. Etc. etc. etc. I realized, gradually, that the things I was fantasizing about or aspiring to were just bigger, louder, versions of what I already had. We crave novelty. It’s in our DNA as humans. And that’s fine. But, ya, learning to accept that that craving never ends and there is no Perfect anything out there that will satiate that desire is a process and is harder for some of us than others. So, now I just change the arrangements of my items in my house. I move my clothes around in my closet. I stop wearing makeup for a while so that when I go back to wearing makeup in a week or so, it all feels dazzling and exciting again. I engineer my own novelty and cultivate being blown away by a sunset, the way the breeze is moving the living things in my backyard. It helps a lot. It doesn’t stop the craving for novelty or my desire for more perfect things, but it helps a lot. What a beautiful question to ponder. Thank you ❤
That was one of the most beautiful and thought provoking comments i read for a long time.
It really helped me (61 year old women) to look at things from a different angle.
Thank you so much and all the best for you.
"You can't buy your way into a different life" OOF! This hit home. I needed to hear it.
I removed my lash extensions and my fake acrylic nail extensions because I grew to love my life so much that I no longer wanted to waste hours of it in lash boutiques and nail salons. And the time that I’ve regained is INVALUABLE and I feel so much better about myself because I have time to learn and engage in activities that add joy to my life, instead of reinforce this idea that I need to change myself. I do my own nails now and take care of my natural lashes and it feels good to do it when I want to. Loved this video!
This is also why I have embraced my natural hair colour - it’s beautiful and no more weekends wasted in the salon attending to the roots!
❤ this video. Two days ago I froze some of my eggs because at 36 I’m increasingly worried that I won’t find a partner who I love and with whom I can make a family. My mum looked after me post-retrieval but it was still a lonely experience. Her response to my tears was “do some online shopping”. In that moment I realised that shopping is a detour from a happy life also in the way that it distracts you from grieving, processing your feelings, and doing the difficult internal work
Sending big hugs to you 💛
You are living your life fully and honestly 💗
Thinking ahead is half the battle. I bet it'll all work out.
What an awesome self agency step you took :) wishing you the best in your life and family journey
I had a similar experience when I was a teenager, although obviously in a different situation. It took me another 10 years to realise this was a marker of emotional immaturity in my mother, and that in turn I had not learned how to prioritise myself in healthy ways. Only to seek distractions. I’m glad you realised it was an unhelpful (perhaps flippant) suggestion. This suggests you do know how to prioritise yourself and your needs.
I’m sure whatever the eventual outcome, it will be worthwhile. And it’s ok to love yourself enough to do these things alone, if you decide that’s what’s important in your life, as many women do.
I initially thought this was a cheeky title for another video collab with Joe, lol.
Your enthusiasm for and curiosity about other people really comes through whenever you’re talking about another person, and I just love that. It reads as very deep and genuine.
Ha, that was my initial reaction as well 😂
Same!!
Same!
So here's a weird observation I have made....on my own life and behaviour. I ABSOLUTELY fall into the trap of believing I can buy the kind of life I want. Even though I KNOW on an intellectual level I can't, my emotional goblin still craves purchasing a fantasy. So I often take a break from shopping. And during those breaks..I often find myself CONSUMING other fantasy self goodies....excessive TH-cam vlogs about minimalism, home organisation etc etc. In this last week....I have unsubscribed to all you tube channels that don't feed my soul, deleted IG and FB and all the social media that is constantly telling me my life is lacking. It weird....I feel very free and at the same time like I'm missing something. I guess it really is time to rewire my brain from all types of fantasy consumption!! Loved this video ❤❤
Dawn, thank you so much for verbalizing your experience with consuming content which is still feeding the weird fantasy self vibes, even if you’re not purchasing things-this clarified for me why some of my TH-cam habits recently have left me feeling kinda yucky. If I’m not going to take action on things like minimalism, clothing upcycling, etc, maybe it is time to shift toward content which feels beautiful and inspiring for its own sake, rather than continuing to fuel discontent by feeding my fantasy selves with what I’m watching. I really appreciate you taking the time to make this comment; it helped me to see myself more clearly and invited me to shift my behavior!
@Liesel Martin i appreciate Dawn's comment and your response to Dawn. Your response helped me to digest Dawn's comment properly and now I am thinking of shifting my viewing in this way as well
Wow lots to think about here, really amazing conversation. Something big is happening in my style life, something that, as a writer, boggles my mind because I can't quite express it. I leaned into an idea for personal branding through clothes for my job in marketing cultural tourism in a rural setting, so it was not an organic change, but it has awakened something new in me. I honestly just intended to use my redneck childhood (I am 50+ now lol) to help me build relationships & raise money, but instead of manipulating people to give more or do more, i accidentally kicked off a journey of integration of the self lol. I truly am a redneck shitkicker, but I am also a historian, a queer person, a mentally ill person, a member of an "art family," greedy nonprofit fundraiser (greedy for money for the organization, not myself lol), a country gal who's afraid of horses AND cows (they can too bite!), a crazy leftist, and occasional fancy person if the bar is low. Consumption and a whole lot of other things fit into this, I don't understand it all, but I love it! I am aware, ofc, that the mind is more ready for this kind of integration and self acceptance at my age, it's not completely random.
@@montananerd8244 Thank you for sharing this glimpse into your life! It was so fascinating and inspiring to read!
@@writeincode Thank you for taking the time to share this! I am so glad that something I said helped you to integrate the ideas in a way that seems to be fruitful! Yay for helpful conversations!
IDK I’m not so impressed by this guy. As a counterpoint:
Maybe it’s easy for him to say that because people shop for him.
I just learned that women make more than 80% of all purchases in the US. Because traditionally wives/moms buy the food, furnishings, cleaning products, toiletries, clothes, supplies - most everything - for their households. Not to mention gifts/holidays.
So maybe it’s easy to say he’d rather make a meal with his partner. But SOMEBODY had to go to the store and buy the ingredients (or place a delivery order).
This exchange reminds me of two things in my life recently. One is that the husband of our friends prides himself and never ordering from Amazon or getting delivery from anything. The ironic thing is that he never buys anything. He just tells his wife to do it. So he’s never ordered diapers from target, but his wife just does it. So literally she’s buying 90% of things and spending her time shopping. It’s also important to know that both of them work.
Secondly, it reminds me that just yesterday my husband was agog over how much the credit card was up. And he complained about me spending money, as if I’m frivolously buying things, but it was all household things and new spring/summer clothes for kids. Obviously kids need new clothes/shoes/outerwear practically ever year or even twice a year - crazy how that adds up.
I asked him if he wanted to shop for the kids next time, to which he quickly replied “no no no it’s OK you do it.” How quickly he forgets that I need to do this regularly. He automatically jumps to “Mama‘s spending money” As opposed to “Mama’s making sure we’re closed, fed, and comfortable.”
Lastly, in our culture, women are encouraged to look nice and wear make up and do their hair and have a good clothes. Yes, we don’t have to conform to that. But we often do or have been socialized to do so. It’s really complicated, but to generally maintain a put together image or home we have to spend some time shopping. Men don’t have that standard.
Meanwhile my husband still gets clothes for Christmas from his parents and he’s 41 years old. The guy never needs to but his own socks 🤣 sometimes people just shop for men as if they’re helpless I can’t do it themselves, or, need to be dotted on and cared for, OR Can’t be bothered with such feminine - type tasks.
LONG rant but a portion of shopping is labor that mostly women do, so I’m just a little annoyed that this man Took that stance. Probably just because I’m surrounded by men that never buy diapers or kids clothes shampoo or dish soap.
Like yeah, there’s other things to do in life besides shopping…. But somebody’s gotta do it. It’s easy to look down upon it but remember that it’s woman’s work generally.
you’re so right! but i also think outside the context of this man it is important to think about why so much of our joy is often tied to chasing things (not essentials but fun things). at least for me it is
THIS.
know I’m 100% disgruntled and crabbing in this comment 🤣🤣 But seriously I don’t think this guy gets accolades for being ‘above wasting his one and precious life shopping’. How much of over-shopping is socialized into women from a young age, watching women having to do so much of it or even all of it? And watching men do so little or even none of it? Yes over consumption and over spending is a personal choice, But somehow having to be a feminine activity gives it an extra level of shame/guilt that I believe men are often exempt from. Nobody would give me accolades if I as a woman said something like “I’m never going to spend my one and precious life sitting on the couch staring at the TV watching football“. {no offense to football😆 but you know what I mean). It’s as useful as somebody who’s hardly had a drink in their life talk to people with alcoholism about how great it is not to drink alcohol. Or somebody who’s never struggled with an eating disorder talking to people with AN or BED about how wonderful it is to live a life without binging on pints of ice cream and how life is too precious to do so.
@@wplants9793 lol thank you, i meet so many men who dismiss women's interests (including shopping) b/c they'd rather do more meaningful and deep things like (insert interest here, which isn't inherently deep or meaningful, but is deemed as such because it is a man enjoying it). it wears me out
YES, this, so much this.
I LOVED this. It runs along the lines of a favourite bible verse from Matthew 6:25 that reads
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?” Jesus is gently reminding us that consumption doesn’t equal life and living. Living requires consumption but it is not living life, just facilitating it.
I love these thoughtful, analytical videos, Hannah. I know they may not do the best with the algorithm, but watching you think out loud are why your videos are the ones about which I get most excited.
As to your question, “How do I be like that?”-I imagine you’re already doing some or most of what I’m about to say (except for the last bit, since you’re young), but I find that mindfulness and gratitude practices go a long way toward being content and knowing that I’m loving my life. I write down 3 things for which I’m grateful every day, and knowing that I need to have the 3 things every night keeps me extra alert to moments of beauty and grace throughout the day, even things as simple as a certain slant of light falling on a vase of flowers. Also, it helps to stop every now and then to notice how content I am to be cooking dinner while listening to a favorite podcast or to get a hug and kiss from my wife as she passes through the room.
The part that’s a little dark and probably comes from age and/or hard experience is knowing how fragile and temporary all this happiness may be. Every night as I cuddle my wife on the couch, in the back of my mind is the knowledge that we might not have each other for ever and that I never want to think I wasted a day with her not fully aware of how much I love her. I also had a bit of cancer a while back-fully curable; I was very lucky-but it also reminded me to love my garden and the natural world and to notice it and be glad I can still enjoy it.
Forgive the long post, but your thought made me think. 🤎
wonderful, thank you so much for sharing this, Sally
@@HannahLouisePoston You’re so welcome!
IS why! Yikes! Excessive editing and the lack of sufficient proof-reading led to a subject-verb disagreement. 🫣
❤
Another thought provoking video Hannah. As a social work student this reminds me of the DBT idea of “creating a life worth living” and shopping is an addiction or compulsion that is incompatible with living your life. Because creating and forging your life is hard and takes consistent and hard work for years to decades and doing something small and slightly destructive feels so much easier than doing the hard work.
Thank you for this. I'm a counselor, too, and I really want to do a therapy group around our love of beauty.
Oh wow, this video was exceptionally timely for me, and I cannot tell you how grateful I am that you mentioned DBT. ♥ Many of its elements are key to the professional work I am doing right now (bringing mental wellness practices into cultural tourism & local experiences, among other things) and the insane (but joyous) personal journey I am on, lol! DBT gives me a great framework to think about all this and to communicate my ideas to all the many demographics I need to get on board. I am doing work that excites me deeply and feels like my true calling, and I am seeing how I must let go of my fantasy selves to have the energy and clear thought that I need.
@@goldengrace2833 I think that would be great! Or just one on shopping addiction. I think it's a very underrated compulsion. I did EMDR around my shopping and the trauma that it was related to. I had never been able to stop shopping for longer than a couple weeks before that.
@@montananerd8244 I wonder if some version of the fantasy self is good because it's something to aspire to. However, shopping won't get you there. Kind of a radical acceptance approach, like you need to accept your current situation to be able to change your future. Then you ned to change your behaviors to become closer to your fantasy self
Yes! I used to Hate shopping - it was a time and money suck and I never came out with “things” I loved. Now, I love to find the pieces that I know I want and have planned to buy. Knowing my style, keeping a shopping list, buying second hand, and focusing on aesthetics has helped me to live with inspiring things and using that money and time more wisely. ❤
oh my god please philosophize all the time i loved this so much!! as a undergrad philosophy major who loves beautiful things and also happens to be going through, ah, "growing pains" in life rn, as i think often happens upon graduating college and also just in life "post"- pandemic, i feel like this video was made for me personally and i love it so much
I love his take on shopping because it's the complete opposite for me. When I was younger up until I was about 25 years old, I was overweight. That made me hate shopping because I always felt self-conscious, nothing ever fit correctly and the items I did I never liked. So I wasn't able to really experiment with fashion, I felt like. When I lost the weight, I all of a sudden started really loving it, because it made me feel like I could finally express mu identity in a different way, and not just through my hair or make-up, which was luckily a creative outlet I did enjoy. This is why I absolutely love to go shopping, alone but even more so with friends and family who also love to do so. I especially love going to consignment shops because they hold more special pieces that I'm not able to find in regular shops. I especially love the older prints and colours. To me, shopping with someone give me life. Makes me really w joy life, and it's not just about buying, it's about enjoying the creativity I see in front of me.
Another reason I might like it so much, is because I have an avoidant personality disorder and social phobia, so getting out of the house is difficult. Often time I feel like I'm missing out on life. But going shopping is a low threshold for me, it doesn't scare me to do that and to leave my house for it, so that's the time I feel like I'm actually doing something outside. Particularly if it's visiting smaller shops so you stroll outside and not at a mall where you're inside the entire time.
I understand the time constraints! I work full time, but am also drawing and writing a graphic novel series and doing the house and garden and making all my clothes and food. Going shopping is not only exhausting, but it takes too much time. I also don't drive, so going shopping is more of a production. However, what I find is that even if I want to go shopping, I'm usually disappointed. I only go shopping with friends, so I can visit with them, but that is often less of a shop and more of a visit. Most of what I make is so much better than anything I could buy (and fits!) that my expectations are whacky. I also won't buy supplies anymore, which is what I used to shop for, because I've found that diving into the craft makes the supplies fall off. You hone in on the media that you like and don't need to explore supplies. Also, as you age, you've read so much and gotten so much music and movies, that you don't need to get more, because you've filled that up, so to speak. Even travel has a limit. Walking to work every day seems more fulfilling to me than travel because you focus on the moment and the changes and widen the experience. It's like everything gets richer, so you take time with that experience rather than darting. I'm getting to the point where I just want to be there, not even talk, not because of discontent, but because of the richness of the moment. You must realize that you are very young. My life didn't feel good enough until I was 60! You're going there very quickly, you're already addressing and aware of so much more than others. Love is attention. I've found that drawing something you have to love it, because you spend the time to pay attention. The more you attend, so to speak, the more love you have with just the moment around you.
I'm shopping for my bridal outfit, and it's been the most infuriating experience. Not only is my time precious to me, it also has a measurable monetary value based on what my employer is willing to pay me. In that sense, I've easily spent thousands of dollars of time simply searching for my dress, my shoes, my lipstick, etc. Maybe it's the engineer in me speaking, but I wish there were like a worldwide market database where I could filter by 10+ criteria based on the product I'm looking for, and know immediately if the object in my vision exists and where I can buy it from.
the reason this man dislikes shopping is actually akin to the reason i enjoy shopping. shopping for me is more about exploration. discovery. the tactile enjoyments. obviously if those things are not things you enjoy or are important to you then you would dislike shopping. but if those things ARE bringing a sense of fascination to your life, then it is "worth your time"
I've been struggling with how shopping for makeup fits in to this struggle for me. On one hand, constantly hitting the dopamine button is not great for the brain. On the other hand, I do find pleasure in applying my makeup. I enjoy color. It is truly something that brings me joy. So, I don't want to stop out the joy in applying my makeup and keeping things fresh to find balance for obsessive / compulsive behavior. I want to balance that instead. Finding the blanace can be a bit tricky though.
@@MoonlitSunflower balance is definitely key! It took me a while but I think I got to a place where I felt I wasn't missing something anymore which also included me getting realistic with myself about things I *dont* use or dont need multiples of because one suffices.
Oh my gosh, I haven’t finished watching but immediately had to share-this year for my birthday I asked my non-shopping wife to come shopping with me! We went to Eileen Fisher and she patiently watched and commented while I tried on 5 million different styles of pants. I felt very loved 😂❤
best birthday everrrrrrr :)
I love the idea that there are people immune from consumerism and what makes them? - are they just naturally that way? I want a National Geographic special on them! 😄I think shopping *can* be an expression of aesthetic joy... but for me, it so quickly becomes something compulsive and not fun at all. Instead of the answer to a problem, it becomes another problem, and the objects become their own set of problems. And life is already so complicated! I can see how extreme stress makes me need an easy outlet. But now I think, hey, any minute I spend doing anything *other* than shopping is a speck of time I've wrested back from a culture that wants me to view myself as a consumer above all else, and I believe those little specks add up, and it's worth valuing them all. Interesting side effect - when I've wrested my attention away from shopping, I also lose interest in social media. It's almost like those two things work together to keep us perpetually distracted and on the surface of existence.
Wow. This is really making me see shopping in a different way. I spent hours trying on clothes a few weeks ago so that I could put together a few new outfits for an upcoming vacation. The shopping actually wasn’t that fun. It was time consuming and expensive and the dressing rooms were so hot. The fun part was imagining the different things I was going to do and see on this trip with people that I love. Going grocery shopping isn’t fun for me, but the cooking and sharing a meal with my husband is. I’ve fooled myself into thinking that there is any actual joy and fun in the shopping itself.
PS- I went on the vacation and had a great time, but it would have been an equally as lovely trip with my old clothes. I didn’t really need to spend $200+ on new tops and a new skirt.
@@meepmoopmeep1 thank you for sharing, we definitely give too high of the Value to new clothes:))
@@Marsolan I like this. We do give clothes and stuff more credit and value than they really deserve. Or, since bying them is the outcome of our actions, we give those actions more value. But they are not the right actions to get a more fulfilled life. I will reflect on this more. Great comment ❤️
@@Mina_Susnjevic very sweet of you. Prior comment resonated with me because I would go shopping just to get new clothes to go on vacation. It made me think that maybe I can do a little experiment. Next time I go on vacation or get ready for a special event , I will not buy new clothes. I bet I will survive.😂😂😂
It depends on where I'm going, of course, but I like to buy one or two clothing items or accessories at the place where I'm spending my vacation. This way the item becomes a reminder of a beautiful time that I had somewhere.
I'm on the verge of something enlightening. My brain has not gotten as far as yours has yet but with each of your videos for the past few months it has gotten closer. This one actually moved me to tears. Fantastic. Thank you so much.
It doesn't need to be appearance-based fantasies, either. (Clothing, makeup etc, home decor, etc) Hobbyists very often have fantasy selves. A quilter might make a quilt or 2 a year, but buys fabric, machines, notions, gear as if making a dozen, for example. I'm a quilter so that example is easy for me, but pick any hobby. People buy partly to put off doing. If I just have this piece of equipment, I'll be able to do ... whatever. If I just have the right 2 fabrics, I can match them with the stuff I already have and make the masterpiece. But they don't ever do it. They always need 1 more thing.
I was at the "farm & home" store in my old hometown last weekend - I needed warmer pants and my town doesn't have much for reasonably priced clothing. I realized I could use the opportunity & get things that would work for wild food foraging, my very favorite hobby & a safe source of dopamine for most of us bipolars. I had no buyer's remorse, and no post-shopping let down. I never questioned anything but the $55 hat, did some more research & easily decided to keep it (a hat that truly stays on the head without a chin strap is a gem). I realized my reaction was because these clothes have a true purpose. I am a longtime forager so they'll get much use and will eventually be very stained, which only increases their beauty in my mind. I wore my new functional utility jeans to work yesterday like a fashionista, very delighted in how well they work (I work in a museum & national monument, lots of grunt labor lol). I never even checked how I looked til the 3rd time I wore them. Buying something genuinely good and useful felt so much better and did not kick up a desire for more, or to see what was better. It just felt so real and good and correct, rather than chasing clothing, jewelry, & makeup like that's the only way to have beauty in my life. Also these new slim straight leg utility jeans look sooooooo good in the bum lol...
This is why I like shopping with my husband. It’s bonding time for us and he makes it fun. So it’s not really time away from our life together.
I would like to posit: what if one loves the action of shopping? As an activity. As an act. The hunt, the inspiration, the inquisitive decision-making, the final purchase, rinsing and repeating. Currently, I don’t shop often. I don’t even feel unhappy in my life. There are things I am unhappy with (my weight) but I’m not under any delusions. Do I get carried away sometimes? Sure, but not often and not in ways that break the bank. I love shopping, as a hobby. And as a 31 year old, I think I’m okay with that. ❤still, an excellent video and my favorite content of yours, so please keep them coming!!!!!!
My stress from shopping is due to the ever changing unreliabilty of brands and the often extremely low quality options available. This makes it work for me to shop intelligently.
Genuinely what a profound explanation to not like shopping. I personally don’t find myself shopping or want to shop most of time, and I have a ton of time to do art and etc.
I love it when you meet people in person and have a conversation that makes your brain fizzle like champagne. Its something i missed so much in the pandemic and even now still working from home. I love your videos for the depth of thought you share for this very reason - but its always wonderful in person and i’m happy you had that experience meeting your peers x
I think this is part of why finding brands and products that I like and trust is so important to me. I want to know what I'm getting into with a product so that I have more time to live my life. It's also why I love your channel. Hannah, you have helped me so much over the last few years.
I understand the sentiment. I don't think it's black and white, and definitely in a capitalistic society, it is easy to slip into buying as a plan to increase life satisfaction (which usually ends up being futile). But as someone who has gone through periods of life where I could and could not purchase things on a whim, I sincerely appreciate the added value that the act of shopping brings to my life. I feel true satisfaction when I have researched a product that adds the intended value to my life. I believe shopping can be a genuine experience in itself, "living" per se, if you perceive of it that way. Valuing what we have is important to our self acceptance, but I don't believe shopping is inherently a shallow and dissociative act to outrun oneself. Everyone invests in what gives them joy/meaning in some way. Wearing and having things that bring us pleasure is a worthwhile endeavor in the human experience, imo. It's the reason I have no desire to live in the Kardashian concrete block house. A lot of my precious memories are of shopping, being with friends, interacting with items relevant to culture of that time period, that people who don't shop would have no memory of. It doesn't make those memories less meaningful because they occurred in a mall or a Walmart (there was not much to do in a small town). My time is precious, and I revel in my ability to indulge myself in beauty as a rebellion to a society that told me I was vapid for having any interest in it. Things like makeup and fashion, when women consume them, are not considered hobbies in the way other interests are, and I think that's unfair. Beauty without any reservation, for me, is an act of rebellious femininity--not a conformist act. And shopping (not necessarily spending money) is also a hobby and interest deemed unworthy, often to straight white cis men because it's not seen as valuable. I'll be in the corner arguing that it is valuable.
An idea I have already thought of myself but have not been able to express so clearly. So simple, yet so deep.
What a gem the comment section of this video is. All as a result of simply asking someone their perspective. I love it.
That lovely gentleman's response to why he hates shopping, sums up why I dislike shopping. There are SO many other things I'd much rather do with my time! If I do need to get something, I'll get it online. If I have to do it in person, I'll just go in, get it and leave! 😁
I love your thought proviking videos so much. I have BPD and severe anxiety, I have recently finished a one year DBT group and learned that shopping for things will never give me a life worth living. For me the responsibily of owning too many things and realizing no matter what I buy will never change anything about my life has made me think about shopping in a very different way now. I wait a long time to buy something and often buy nothing at all and it has helped my anxiety so much. Thank you for the great videos.
This is so great to hear! I’m joining a DBT group this May and I’m very excited but nervous.
@@SRoberts815 the best thing I ever did, it will change your life, good luck!
This video is spot on, so deep and .. well, it has hit the nail in the head. I love it. I love these videos of yours. Bravo! I feel the same when my husband mocks my shopping… he states he would rather have experiences and live - doing things! Rather than buying objects. I know he is right as I know I am not satisfied deeply from buying towards my “fantasy self” but it is one hell of a habit to break!
He kind of hit the nail on the head. He is satisfied with what he is. In the most positive way which doesn’t exclude development or future changes. Wow. I like that. A lot. Thank you for your videos Hannah. I’m pretty new to your channel. Just saw / listened to 3 in the row while drawing. All of them were truly interesting and thought producing, hugs
To me the answer to "how do you love what you have" is by loving who you are. I'm 23 and I realise more and more that I shop when I want to be a different version of me than I am. That discontent you mention is so clearly related to self-confidence/insecurity and allows the fantasy self to reappear. When I feel good, the fantasy self has no doubts to grab onto and I am resistant to the marketing and shopping.
This is such an eloquent video. I've been working so much in the past year through therapy on loving my life, myself, building a life that I want to love. And shopping is such a contentious thing for me. I will often spend hours hunting for the best version of a thing for me only to turn around and buy the cheapest version because I feel so much guilt about wanting the lavish thing even though it's within my budget and I've made a plan. I end up spending more time and money than I ever need to just on research only to throw it all to the wind.
Lately I've been really working on follow through and I've been finishing a lot of books I haven't had the follow through for before. Your video on the fantasy self was so impactful to me. How can I read books and wear mysterious perfumes if I don't let myself buy the one perfume I want instead of the set of samples I don't. How can I read books if I don't ever actually read them. I have to let go of shame and let myself do what I love.
This is a wonderful video! I'm going through a bit of a 'fallow' period in the progression of my life at the moment and I've definitely noticed (online) shopping is something almost like a painkiller that palliates the sense of unease or anxiety, but it ultimately is just a way for the brain to not look at the hard work ahead. I think in times when there's lots of hard work in front of us, it feels especially hard to love one's life and so that desire to 'look away' from the work and fall into consumerism becomes ever more intoxicating. Acknowledging that dynamic through your framing is a much more true and clear way to look at one's self.
This is incredibly astute, like, "The best things in life are free." Shopping is almost like the parenthesis to prepare ourselves for how we want to be living.
I beg of you to please create this kind of content more often as it will save me from myself this year. I have started my no buy year last Sunday as it’s my son’s birthday and I am determined to see it through, thanks to you. This video from you is such of great insight and inspiration that hit me so hard. I am so thankful, Hannah. Your work is of so much value to me.
Have you seen Shawna Ripari and Sarah Rose's channels? They are also great low buy channels.
You might also like Too Much Tash
I hear what he's saying, there have for sure been times when I go shopping to get a feeling of control over my life or because I'm not happy. But when that's not happening, when I am at a healthy place I still love shopping. I love all the colors and the textures I experience as I do in person shopping.
I think I'll always indulge in "shopping behaviour" (citation: HLP) because I like looking at beautiful things and reflecting on my taste and needs etc., but I think I've got a pretty good handle on buying things that I will use and resisting the lure to buy my way into a different life. I see this sometimes with my partner where he'll buy things for a new habit he wants to start before ever doing the hobby, and sometimes it stops there, and I try to gently encourage him to start with the doing of the hobby with what we already have, or with minimal cost, and then if he finds he really enjoys it, to spend more money on it. It can feel so much easier to plan to do the thing than to do the thing, but it's only a short term reward.
I literally felt a stomach drop when you said what he said... Time is the most precious thing we could ever own, so why do I waste that buying & maintaining way too much stuff that doesn't make me happy anyway, when all I really need is time to LIVE... It's so backwards... 😮 Damnnn this one hit like a ton of bricks... I am enough, I have enough... Thank you sooo much Hannah for sharing..... ❤
Hannah, I love your content, especially your philosophical content exploring the question of the love of beauty. I've been a lurking fan for over a year now, and recommend your channel to friends and family. 💗As for the question of "How do you be like that?" I think it's one of those IYKYK things, because of loss, grief, or going through a tough challenge and coming out the other side. That seems to be a theme in the comments, and I resonate with that from my personal experiences (moving across the country, selling my house, going through a divorce and becoming a single mom, exploring my queer identity, trying to re-establish my career in a new place with minimal contacts, facing financial challenges). I'm now in a much more stable and happy place, and I have an active gratitude practice because I am thankful for all of my strength going through those challenges, the choices I've made to shape my current reality, and the good fortune and kindness from others I've received along the way.
How did you feel hearing this person's statement?
(I am bad at asking open questions so I continue to contour my thoughts in the subpar way)
Have you felt any resistance to the implication that shopping - smth you enjoy as much as you struggle with it - is a waste of time?
I must admit, I am a bit sad thinking of how my personal shopping behaviour doesn't directly compete with more valuable activities - I rather feel like I fill empty spaces with it that could not just like that be filled with "proper living" (spending time with loved ones, creativity and such). That's why the statement envokes shame and regret within me, although I am 100% sure that this was not the intent of the speaker whatsoever. I wonder whether anyone also felt this vulnerable hearing that statement?
I feel like his response was just a pretty way of saying 'shopping is a waste of time...i have better things to do'. For me it feels like the classic male superiority thing where things that are generally female are less than. Obviously anything can be bad if overdone but I think if spending time looking at things fills your cup, you shouldn't feel guilty about that.
@@emilytronnes8350 Interesting, Emily! Yeah, this phenomenon of downplaying female coded behaviour might explain my intuitive resistance. I want to add though that Hannah described the interaction as overall pleasant and the person to be mature and honest, so I choose to trust her antennae that it was not plain sexism at play. Rather, I see where the speaker - and Hannah in her essay - are going with this and I want to folllow along, but my somewhat hurt feelings are making it more difficult...
@@janaxolotl It's so hard to assume positive intent in this situation! Simply because most of the time,even with the kindest of people, it's a subtle critique rooted in the patriarchy. He may not even be aware of it! I think we can assume my feelings are slightly hurt as well 😅.
It sounds like you had what I call "the gong of truth" moment. We hear or see something - and it's so much the very thing we're ready to/need to hear it's like it resonates or shines in our minds, both in that moment and after - BOOM!
Hannah you are so amazing! This is not the first video in which you’ve opened my mind to itself but it is the first time I felt real resistance within myself and wow did that show me how much I needed to hear it 😮 And the comment section is such a beautiful offering of self transparency and compassionate curiosity as well, thank you all!!
‘You can’t shop your way into a different life’
Hannah, you are dropping gems, and I’m here and thankful for it.
Hannah, I love your philosophical take on beauty and enjoying the things we already have. Your thoughtful content really sets you apart in this community.
just watched this and your previous fantasy self video and these are certainly all points that touch my life as well. One thing that is stirring in me is that in seemingly every area, I have two Fantasy selfs at war. There's the me that wants a quiet, simple, peaceful life, and then there's me who wants to change the world, do great earth-shattering deeds. There's me who wants to dress in graphic bold yet minimal styles and me who wants do dress like a wood-elf. There's me who is curious about every story out there and me who wants to consume less media. As I am pondering this I think that from this tension can come confusion and even pain, especially if I think I will only be "worthy" or "happy" when I have completely reached one of these fantasy selfs. I also think that some of the most unique parts of who I am come out of this network of tension.
I have severe clinical depression, so bad, I can't work, be employed. I have so many wishes that aren't relatable to buying stuff: living on my own, creating stuff, traveling, hanging out with friends... But because I'm stucked at home, no medicine helps me, my only thing to looking forward are parcels of my orders. I finally stopped myself from buying new make-up, also thanks to you Hanna. I've even stopped watching new make-up releases videos because I'm so overwhelmed with beauty industry. But now I found clothes and purses and it's hard again to stop myself. I'm stuck in this mental hell and sadly those 5 minutes of happiness of new thing are filling my void. I wish for a life and mentality your colleague has. I wish I could see the world instead of mindless online (window) shopping. I'm sorry for this sad comment 😅.
I’m sorry that things are so hard, Bridget. I wish you well.
sending love to you, Bridget! 💗
I am sorry Bridget. I have been there ❤❤. I have severe medical problems that have left me unable to work also. People do not understand, think being home all day is so wonderful when in reality I would do anything to be able to work and have a “normal” life. So, like you, I find small amounts of “happiness” in shopping” Yes, it’s not TRUE happiness but when you have so little what can you do? I am sending you gentle hugs and as many good vibes as I can!
❤️
Bro this blew my little bird brain. How DO you love what you have? I feel like I've dramatically cut back on shopping and even browsing and I do my little tasks and watch my youtube videos but one thing remains continuous: I always yearn. I always want. I always have this little fantasy future for which I have no idea how I'd get there and it's not even about STUFF, it's more abstract than that. And I've just.. never known what to do. I know a lot of it stems from negative self talk/self beliefs and a lot of THAT is based on trends from childhood and even through my 20s but damn. I just turned 32 two days ago and I'm over here still yearning, still wishing for my life to just be better in a general sense of the term, and still not knowing how to obtain it, move toward it, etc. And I don't know how to like what I have, either. Up creek, no paddle?
I feel this when I spend too much time on social media. I say out loud to myself “I would rather be doing X if I truly have free time”. If I’m working it helps me redirect, if I am actually using my free time it sometimes encourages me to go read or yoga or skate or actually call a person I’m seeing on IG. Love this!
I so appreciate your openness to other people’s thoughts and opinions. When you first mentioned his reply to you, I bristled. I was surprised by my initial response to be offended, but you opened yourself to the idea of his approach to life and it blossomed for you. In turn, you opened my eyes to several things, two of which are: 1) Listen and think the best of people first (ie: I’ve become cynical) and 2) I need to find out who I really am after my Christian evangelical deconstruction for the past 3 years (and this doesn’t have to include constantly shopping and distracting myself from the horrors of my inner mind).
Thank you for the light you shine.
Chatty GRWM's are the reason that back in the day we all did 75K steps in our makeup because that what was needed to summarize half a season of True Blood or whatever...as you might be able to tell from my screen name, I have OCD --the hoarding type and have always struggled with shopping. I have this mode, my husband calls my "shopping trance" where an infinite amount of time can pass while I'm indecisively going through the isles at walgreens spiraling over choosing a micellar water when I've used the same one successfully for 5 years and don't need another one, but am worried that I might be missing out on some miraculous new/better/cheaper micellar water. I have set alarms on my phone, had my husband call me to remind me and other ways of breaking out of the trance. With my OCD, my therapist has suggested asking myself the question "will this purchase help or hurt my recovery from OCD Hoarding." Of course the answer is almost always "will hurt" but of course you still need stuff, so the REAL answer is not to fall into the trap of "buying to try" every new micellar water. I need to try to keep in mind that spending time in a shopping trance is taking away from the part of my life that I actually want to be living...
I love shopping because it feels like a treasure hunt. I also think of fashion and makeup as functional art and a way of communicating and expressing yourself. There are some days that I enjoy the process of putting on makeup, but others that I don't feel like wearing it. I stopped covering my gray hair, because I wasn't enjoying the process. I still love stlibg and caring for my hair. Its just fun to me. I think we can love ourselves, our lives, live well, and enjoy shopping. I am aiming more for contentment, but have come to realize that for me to be content, I like changing things, improving things, and learning and finding out about new things.
I used to hate shopping because I never had money as a child so we were rarely able to get anything I’d want.
I got used to window shopping and knowing I couldn’t get anything.
Then when I started having money, I got stressed because I had limited money and I struggled to find what I needed for a price I could afford.
Now that I have much more money it’s more pleasant. I can splurge on things I enjoy.
I love being able to buy the things towards my enjoyment. I bought a fun dress with polka dots and it brings me so much joy every time I wear it.
I like going to the mall because for me it is a planned social outing with friends or family. Having a list, sticking to it and actually finding what I’m looking for or trying to and also helping other people find what their looking for is fun 🤷♀️
I have another perspective on the matter of disliking shopping. I'm not sure if anyone watching this video will be able to empathize with me. But, I would like to offer this other viewpoint. These discussions about shopping make me feel like a bit of an alien in this world.
For me, shopping in a mall or any store (even a grocery store) is sensory hell. The lights are too glaring and bright. The music and periphery sounds are too loud. Too many smells. Too many textures. Too many people. Too many choices. Not enough choices. There are either sales people unavailable for questions or sales people hovering, providing me no time or space to process. Too much that doesn't actually interest me. It is all overwhelming. I cannot find that which I seek. It renders me unable to process my surroundings in the store, unable to think. Unable to function.
This may sound dramatic to many people, but this is the experience of shopping for me. Currently, I have things that need to be replaced, but, because I put off shopping so long, brands do things like discontinue a favored article of clothing and I cannot find something comparable. I want the piece that I wore out completely.
I have a sensory processing disorder among other things. So, shopping brings me no joy at all. It brings pain, distress and anxiety. Going into a store specifically for something I need is a chore. Sometimes, I consider it torture. Most of the time, I just can't find what I need; I have to give up and leave feeling completely defeated. I go home and feel the need to shut down like a computer that has overloaded and blue-screened.
Ugh, the pain of unfulfilled potential. Being stuck in boring office jobs as the decades pass will make that fantasy self shine loud and clear. I don’t even know what I would spend my free time doing now without shopping. I like the idea of the other commenter’s ritual of gratitude every evening..will try it.
Wow, this was unexpected, but I love this in-depth analysis of our consumer culture. I think some of us(maybe unknowingly or not), use shopping as a means of escape. Maybe we know that our lives are not what we wish them to be at the moment and maybe sometimes the ability to change them, escapes us. But shopping doesn't. It's gives us beauty, confidence, security and allows us to carry on sometimes even when we believe that we no longer can.
I’m so glad I found your corner of TH-cam, these are the types of conversations and reflections I want to indulge in. I really respect you and find your content inspiring 😊
Hey Hannah, have you ever looked into Buddhism? A major component of it is that we are in a constant state of dissatisfaction due to either not getting what we want or like you said “getting what we want” and it being not up to the fantasy, or the fleeting nature of that happiness. Mind you I am also still on that journey of “how do you be like that guy” but it shows that expel have been thinking about this for thousands of years!!! I think it is worse though than it was then
yes, I've been a lifelong student of Buddhist ideas, at some times more fervently than others! Right now I've been digging further into some of them with my friend and mentor Julia Frodahl who I've mentioned a few times on my channel, she runs the compassion class: bit.ly/3MgoC6D
I really needed this video today, I’m in a no buy year and had a frenzy adding clothes to my basket for the first time this year. I hadn’t checked out yet as I realised I needed to step away and then… this video happened upon my ❤️ thank you
I can so relate to this! My shopping baskets are full in all my usual apps, but before cheking them out I step away. And after a week or so I go in and remove all items - realizing I did not need them from start. As a result, now I feel less tempted to go to the apps knowing how the time spent there will end. But I see this as a necessary process to succeed in my low buy year 💪🏻
@@Mina_Susnjevic that’s really great, well done for your perseverance and good luck if you’re also in a no buy ☺️
@@ParticularlyChar thanks and good luck to you too 💪🏻
Hannah, I so appreciate how your mind works on a topic over time. Thank you for sharing your process and your wondering’s. A little clue in my own muse on the topic came during your video on monotone dressing. I’m finding nothing brings me more joy than creating with what I already have! It’s such a thrill to realize an idea with my stash (paints, makeup, clay, clothing). Once in a while I’ll notice what I’m missing, but it’s not really the finding in selection that I enjoy (not the hunt, per say) but the creating of combinations of what I’ve assembled.
I did that this weekend as well after being inspired by the monotone dressing idea. I wore a lavender blouse with some plum dress pants that I would've never thought to put together!
I love this video and can relate so much. I do not love shopping and when I have to I am very focused. I know my taste, my body, my lips ... you name it. It is very rare that marketing tricks me and the reason for my no buying habbit is my lack of money when I was a student on the one hand and my wish to own less and less the older I get on the other hand. I am 45 now, work full time, my finances are stable and I know how much work owning is. You have to hunt down items and you have to mantain them. A big home is a lot of work, a huge closet is even more work, a huge make-up collection ... I have only one face. I prefer owning less, using and loving my handpicked items, taking good care for them and still have time (and money!) for travelling, museums, reading, enjoying nature or visiting a concert.
One could say I prefer quality over quantity and I do not believe in a magical garment/lipstick/designer bag which changes my life dramatically . I am the magic and only I can change my life.
All that said I believe in balance. Spoiling myself or my loved ones with something one can buy is a very nice treat here and there.
"I know how much work owning is." Amen. Amen.
"dissatisfaction has been sown among us" wow and yes. I love thrift shopping so I started a little shop as a side hustle. When my kid got sick two years ago every bit of my life became devoted to getting them healed and diagnosed and eventually accepted into college. I stopped my career and stayed with my small shop and learned to live with much less $. And I love that I get to do this thing that I love so much while getting to love my family and have more time for them. The gift of time that was exchanged to fully being mama to a kid who needed all of me. I have no dissatisfaction at all. I am filled. I am full of love. I am full of joy. Thank you for this video Hannah.
Very interesting video, I love video on the phylosophy of shopping.
Maybe this is a cultural difference, I live in France and i think his response and his argument is a very common response, especially for men.
I go throught phases.
I love thinking of buying the missing piece in my wardrobe, doing my research, planning. Buying it is mostly the least fun part because it ends the fantasy.
And there is the phase where shopping feels like such a waste of time and I would rather just « live my life » than doing it.
Most of the time I’m in the second
Wow bravo to that guy! What a revelation, I got a bit emotional! Really puts into perspective where the compulsion to shop may be coming from. Thank you for sharing, I really needed to hear that!
Wondering if shopping can be a hobby for some and this is something they Like to do? Posing this question bc I saw something recently in my mission to find something different to fill my time...a list of hobbies that included Shopping!! It never occurred to me before that this was a hobby. Like something some people are just good at? I love going to the grocery store and we have to have food and other things to support our life (the opposite of what may be the point of this video), and I enjoy picking from what's available etc.
i've been watching you religiously for the past year, but never commented. have been going shopping for the past two days since my mom came over and it felt so terrible and i couldn't place why, but then you dropped this video and finally it all makes sense. love your content so much, thank you for sharing your thoughts. you have changed my life in so many small (but important) ways and i can't wait to learn more from you and people around you
I absolutely love it when you post these kinds of videos. They never fail to make me think in a deeper/different way and examine things I hadn't even known needed examining. Thank you.
I KNEW IT. I knew it in my bones that you were an academic researcher. you're too methodical and procedural to be just intuitively analytical. you're problem-solving approach is based on an academic foundation and it shows and it demands respect and trust.
it's easy for this comment to come off as off-putting due to the rampant anti-intellectualism in the US, but I assure you, this is high praise ❤
As someone who works in academia myself, it's not off-putting because of anti-intellectualism, but because it comes off a bit pretentious.
@@theprousteffect9717 I feel this nuance is really important:
and that's because bow anti-intellectualism is so normalized in the US. im a scientist that grew up in a country that puts as much worth on education as it does on beauty (w equal amount of toxicity for good measure) and got my undergrad and grad education in the US. i don't have to make a note about sincerity and tone when I discuss the value and the effects of education with those from my OG country cz that's part of the self worth discourse.
oppressive countries create a categorical appreciation for education that is systematically lacked in other countries that are less tyrannical. especially being plagued by wars and having lost generations of men as soldiers, your value system changes. when i was growing up a person (man or woman) could easily compensate for beauty by their college entrance exam score (we have a national ranking system not standardized testing. everyone takes the exact exam and gets ranked. you get a literal number value to demonstrate you're better or worse than the next person).
it's really important that people understand all aspects of what anti intellectualism does to one's self worth as a whole AND with nuances.
especially in the East, calling someone educated, not just intelligent, but educated, is paying respect to the petson because it is being implied that this person's effort to make themselves better is seen and felt. there's so much nuance to it.
Agree 100% I actually cancelled my makeup subscriptions a week ago, and I feel its for the best. I will use my mental space to find joy in other things instead of the dopamine effect of getting a newer things that I don't cherish.
Love this perspective! I just started reading ‘Stolen Focus’ as you had recommended, which fits so well into this conversation! So few people give consideration to why they are living the life they are and what they are willing to give their time and attention to.
Reminds me of a quote from the astronaut Chris Hadfield:
“Decide in your heart of hearts what really excites and challenges you, and start moving your life in that direction. Every decision you make, from what you eat to what you do with your time tonight, turns you into who you are tomorrow, and the day after that. Look at who you want to be, and start sculpting yourself into that person. You may not get exactly where you thought you'd be, but you will be doing things that suit you in a profession you believe in. Don't let life randomly kick you into the adult you don't want to become.”
While I think your friend's answer to your question -- and your discussion of what he said -- is very insightful, I also feel an undercurrent of sadness. Not, certainly, for disliking shopping, but for the loss of so much time that is spent doing what robs one of the opportunities to do what brings joy. Obligations, work, etc. take time and, to be responsible humans, we need to do them. We should do them. What is sad is that those things can take over our lives until we must steal, if we can, opportunities to do what brings us joy.
I really appreciate your work - you make this weird addiction I have to beauty content SO much more interesting and worthwhile. "How do you become this person?" I don`t know Hannah! I am not this person either! But I have a suspicion the first step might be accepting that we are not this person and not wanting to be that person, either. It`s not a fully fledged thought yet. But quite possibly, whenever we want to be anyone else than who we are right now in this moment or anywhere else than where are right now we move away from ourselves and the lived experience and open the doors for sneaky thoughts of shopping...
I always struggle with buying new things as I tend to become overwhelmed with the reality that products take resources, and I crave an understanding of the full process. Where did every little ingredient come from? How was it claimed, and how was it manipulated? Who produced it, and what were the ecological impacts? I can get trapped in a mindset of this over curiosity to the point that I talk myself out of buying because frankly there are just too many questions that need answered. Maybe it's an obsession on my part, but I think that if we all are more aware of the realities that consumption comes with great costs, we can learn to appreciate what we already have and shop less for new things to fulfill the fantasy self image.
I thoroughly enjoyed this video. Thank you for continuing to put out content that is aesthetically driven while also being contemplative.
I’m watching this after not buying anything during the mass of sales and advertising this weekend and this month in general. Your videos have helped me so much with my shopping problem. Thank you
Super powerful video. I’m rethinking the amount of time I spend scrolling for stuff, especially as I grow to love myself and my life more and more. However, I’m NOT rethinking the amount of time I spend watching HLP content, because it’s truly worth the time ✨
I literally have said that same exact thing in regards to never wasting my time running errands with my days off! The pandemic taught me to value my time so much so that any errands can now be tucked into the work week in order for me to maximize the time off that I do get. I found myself re-working the few errands I do have now in order to make even my work weeks smoother.
For me, I generally shopped with my mom and friends. It was a way to have conversation that may not be comfortable in other ways. I remember shopping with a friend when she got her first teaching job and the looking at clothes was part of becoming an adult with a real job.
I’ve never been a shopper but when my daughter was in her early teens, we did spend some Saturday mornings shopping and then having a meal together. They were precious times. Now we just do the meals together!
This video was so needed for me, I love makeup and I want to be able to male amazing looks but I would always just make lists of better makeup I need instead of actually practicing and getting better
Ugh I just want to grab coffee and hang out with you!! Love hearing your thoughts!!
That’s exactly why I hate shopping. I do enjoy online shopping though, because it’s so fast and efficient. I have more time for myself. ✌🏻
It’s about being present in the moment , calm ,and happy.. Being mindful. For me shopping is dopamine filled overstimulation. In person it’s not pleasant… bad lighting, noisy, rushed . I love taking beautiful parcels home to slowly open and try
You are beautiful inside and out, Hannah! Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with us. I’ve experienced in my own life that when I step away from my vices… I experience more contentment, clarity, peace. All the good stuff. Lately I’ve been struggling in this department so your video is right on time. ❤
I used to very much live life like that; intentional, passionate, to the fullest. Hardship of various forms drove me away from it and I have been longing to return to me, myself as a person who does the things, spends the time and devotes the energy to the things that matter the most. I'm following my future in this endeavor with great interest!
Thank you for this video ❤
A banger. A classic. I loved it. hahah. I feel very changed over the last several years by your content, Hannah. Like it got into the root of my root, where my issues didn't have the same shape as yours, but the underlying questions were all the same, and ponderings like this are so helpful. Ya know, your conclusion really made me think of something, which is a recommended decluttering method when you're trying to find your personal style in the midst of an overwhelming mess of clothing options. The method is not to approach a declutter by removing the things you don't like, but to instead dive into your closet and pull out all the things you love best. And AHA! That collection of things now spread on your bed? There it is: your style, your true self. And the magic of it all is that it had been right there, already in your presence, all along. Your final thoughts in this vid really mirrored this. This clearing away of the noise and the distractions and the flashy signs vying for attention, to reveal that you already had all these nuggets that you love best, love most. That there's a universe in which you pull those bits out onto your bed, all laid out safely, and you see them for what they are and that you want your life to take THEIR shape. That maybe finding a best life looks a little like that. Dunno, loved this, and so much more to think on.
Incredible articulate and right to the point. I am really excited when I see new videos uploaded with such titles! Are food for thought and you are the best at it!
More, please! Cheers from Germany!
This is my favorite video from you yet. You just changed my life. ❤️
this is a bit goofy, but an episode of Bobs burgers sums this up - the plot is he goes to outdoor camping store to live in the fantasy of being an outdoorsman. the fantasy was of being a self sufficient man. I think its interesting because we so often align shopping with women and the feminine. the allure of the fantasy self happens to everyone.
At 20, I understood how money can change people. I'm 29 now and know I wasted my money on things I didn't really need, but at the same time I still made time for experiences. It's a balance. I refuse to regret my purchases, and still feel grateful to learn so much with better money habits and know what is worth the investment vs splurge. So don't be mad at yourself for what the corporate world has done to distract us from living a fulfilling life. We still have the power to turn it around. Love yourself!
I've rewatched this like 4 times since last night. Its such a gem.
I was just thinking... I live in Nebraska. As you enter the state you'll see Nebraska ... the good life.
I think for the most part I am satisfied with my life. I love it and the people in my life. I just quite honestly am a bit of a hoarder. I do have issues with the fantasy self and thinking about what I should be doing with my life and who I should be etc. But overall I am satisfied with my life. I think that being able to combat those moments of low self esteem where we attack ourselves with who we should be with recognizing that we love our lives is great.
You ask. How can I be like that? I heard somewhere to become something you want, tell yourself you are. Imagine that you are and how it would feel.
I practice tarot and I kep thinking of the 9 of Pentacles when you were talking about this guy, who is satisfied with living and with his life. The 9 of pentacles is a lovely card. So, if I want to be this man, or the woman displayed in the 9 of Pentacles I imagine that I am and how that would feel and what I would do if I were her. It's a very interesting way to alter your perception and shift yourself towards being what you want to be.
So on a simplwr level instead of saying I want to be someone who drunks plenty of water, tell yourself I am someone who drinks plenty of water and do it.
Your fantasy self video inspired me to dust off my harp and start lessons. Thank you for continuing this conversation, it is endlessly interesting.
Love this and totally relate to the buying hamster wheel. In the last 5 years, due to some big life challenges (sick parents, income loss, partner illness, etc) my body type has totally changed (I've gained a lot of weight and have had a hard time doing any kind of workouts). I've found I have a lot less interest in buying clothes - things just don't look as fabulous on me (I would describe my new style type as "norm-core mcSmushie") and I've gone deeper into my avocation (singing for folks in hospice). I love the art of fashion and colors, I love fine things, and all these wonderful paths of expression, but I'm just not as interested in the effort it takes. My available $$ and energy are much less AND given where my energy is focused these days, that kind of buying doesn't matter as much. I think that'll change as I move out of this crisis (eg I just had fun wish list shopping a poufy flame red gauze overlay dress), but it is clarifying. The most liberating decision I made with my life was was 20 years ago - I decided I didn't want my epitaph to read 'she got a lot of stuff done/she accomplished all these things' but to reflect how much love I had given and received in my life. That's a big difference. I recognize that I personally am happiest when I'm connecting - with myself, with others, with the bigger world. Very very occasionally, connecting like that involves buying things. My life is sometimes incredibly joyful, sometimes just OK, sometimes terrible, but overall, I am happy with my choices.
I love how you expanded this branch and shared that piece with us so we can extend and connect our branches. Feels wonderful 🌿🤗🌸
I feel dissatisfaction also comes from constantly doing things and thinking about them instead of being. Most people seem to have lost the balance between doing (and thinking also equals doing) and just being. Shopping and thinking about stuff to buy = doing. Enjoying time with your partner and cherishing the moment = being.
This was precious. Thank you Hannah.