For romantic love, it should be always us. Selfless me burns you out. Selfish me, we know where it ends. It should be always us when making every decision. Most of us forget that.
Love shows in their actions. Words are sometimes empty. Before you try to love someone else, try to love yourself first. You can NOT give what you don't have.
Love is not unconditional. There are many things that are intolerable in relationships. Lying, cheating, verbal and physical abuse, blatant immorality, criminality, and the like are reasons to leave. We all have our ups and downs that require the patience of our partners, but I would never tell anyone to love someone, 'no matter what...'
Geer Als een speer I think what he's getting at here is: there's the love we can have for ourselves and others that is unconditional. But relationships are by definition conditional, a relationship isn't love, it's humans relating to other humans. You can still love someone and have them be abusive, but because they are abusive you must save yourself and leave. Hence breakups are always a possibility no matter what you think about the other person. You can breakup with someone and still love them, and I think that's what he's getting at here
Those things are intolerable in a relationship. But just because someone does something bad doesn't mean you or them stop LOVING. Some people you have to love from a distance.
You change or improve someone to make them happy. Love isn't unconditional acceptance. If someone is hurting themselves or others with their behavior, we should point out the error of their ways. True love is acting to make someone else happy, and helping them see their blind spots is part of that.
Free Reign Network If you are trying to figure out whether someone loves you based on their actions, you will constantly evaluate their actions, and constantly want them to sacrifice and reaffirm their love. This is not love at all.
I agree with Free Reign Network here...if I understand him/her correctly. To start with, the word "Love" as used in "I Love you" is a VERB. A verb is an action word. "Love" can also be used as a noun which means that it's a person, place or thing. For our use, it's a thing...a thing we cannot see, but non-the-less, still has properties much the same way as "peace" for example does. "Peace" is a noun/thing, even though we cannot see it. However, "Love", like "Peace" is useless unless we take the characteristics/properties of those things, love and peace, and put them into action. Like any other thing, they can still exist, without being used or exercised. Take a TV for example...it can exist, but unless a person physically acts upon it, turns it on and watches it (VERBS), then it is not serving it's purpose. The same is for "Love". Love always exists, but the characteristics of love need to be put into action for it to work.
Swati Sharma Because most people confuse a relationship for love. Love and relationships are two very different things. You can love someone but still break up with them if they no longer serve that role in your life (eg: if they cheat on you every day or physically abuse you)
Noah, I forgot to mention that only a girl with no self love and no self respect could continue to love a jerk unconditionally regardless how he treats her. The idea of loving someone without expecting love in return sounds very noble but none of us is Jesus. We are only human. Lots of women try loving their men unconditionally while their men fool around behind their backs. Does the true love you talked about here require us to totally ignore our own need and be someone's doormate?
+Susie Lee You are speaking of a relationship, not love. If you aren't being treated the way you want to be treated in a relationship, then leave. But you can love someone, and decide that you don't feel pulled to spend time with them.
+Noah Elkrief That is so true. You can love someone and leave the relationship you have with that person, if it is a toxic relationship like susie describes, and that does not mean you stop loving him, it just means that you are smart enough to love yourself and generous enough to allow the man you love find someone more appropiate for him, someone he could really love.
+carolina pincheira i feel noah is someone who believe in love at first sight or thats how he comes cross to me but i believe that love has to be built over time and carolina i think you are right
Susie Lee Noah explained what love is. He just gave a definition to feelings by virtue of which we can say it is love. He hasn't said anything about what should we do when we are in love :)
well said - I was about to ask that. I guess the point is that love with all your heart without the risk of getting hurt but if it 's not reciprocated well then back off.
I do believe that the love you're talking about is the highest rank of love. we call it in Arabic " Tatayum" " التتيم". its when love reaches a state where you love the other just for being himself,you even feel like you lost control over your own emotions where his bad doings won't effect your love. you will find yourself always forgiving and caring even if you don't like it. Personally, I believe that kind of love is for an elite ,not everyone are able to be like that :).
This helped me a lot and made me understand a lot more. Currently going through a breakup after 3 and a half years. Been really hard, but I've learned to accept it for what it is.
I'm still having a hard time understanding what love is. To me it sounds like love is complete and unconditional acceptance of everything. When I think of it this way having a relationship seems kind of pointless because you are already complete. This really makes me question whether or not I've truly loved anything because everything I claimed that I loved was based on condition and expectation. To attain this concept of unconditional love for everything is truly humbling. Thank you for this video.
Love is a train ride that you can't stop, and you didn't realize you were on the train until it was moving. You don't want the train to stop, but sometimes it makes you feel like jumpng of the moving train because the momentum can become overwhelming.....
You are an enlightened human being, sir. I mean, if you practice at all what you preach, which is rare. But you do come across as genuine, so I'll trust you. Thanks for the wisdom, sir!
If you love someone you don't need them to do anything besides be them. You just love that person. You just truly want nothing but their own personal happiness. Even if they didn't have it you would still love them. You don't feel like they owe you something.
And this is why I am giving up on love. There is no point. It is impossible to truly love someone. The closest I’ve come to it is loving my children and my pets. If I can manage to love myself, then I see that as a major accomplishment.
I get it now, if you love someone you want nothing no money etc,You do it cause you want to not because you want something from that person.Thank you ,your are a awesome person for given us your time,it's free...
number 7 is the kicker....... it is the hardest lesson for most people to learn. The truth is being possessive of another person is inherently selfish and that can never be love. This is what drives all abusive relationships.
I don't often comment on videos, but wanted to say thank you for this. Your videos are thoughtful, insightful and, above all, helpful. I believe a useful litmus test for a "bad relationship", is whether you get angry at the person you claim to love. If you show anger towards them, it is because you see them as failing to provide something you need and this is to treat them like a means to your own selfish end. It means that you don't truly love them, but rather, you love the thing they provide you (happiness, self-esteem, companionship, reassurance etc). I have been in relationships where I almost never get angry with the person, and sometimes even cannot imagine being angry with them. I have also been in relationships where I find myself getting angry all the time. In my opinion, the former is a healthy, selfless loving relationship, the latter is an unhealthy, selfish relationship. It has often been said, because it is true, before you can really love someone else, you have to first learn to love yourself. Good luck to everyone reading this.
EXACTLY. We are trained since a young age on love being something that isn't. Hence so many dysfunctional relationships all about the world. Still, once you come to this realization you have taken the first step in experiencing real love. Love, just like anything we wish to learn in life requires discipline... discipline... discipline. Don't give up.
A lot of people seem to forget that what Noah is saying in this video, is NOT that if you experience any of these 7 types of things, that means you never loved or will love that person. Basically, I think he means rather that when you experience one of these, it is one of your moments of selfishness, but it doesn't necessarily mean you don't love that person. But it does mean you're not being loving towards them at that moment. That's why you should step back when you feel that 'fake' love, and you acknowledge it and analyze it. Then again, of course, you could have totally delluded yourself into thinking you were always loving them, when in fact you were not. That's a possibility.
I recently broke up with a girl who was a close friend to me for almost a year, and my partner for a month. I realize now that i had screwed up so badly by trying to fix her situation and not appreciating that she was herself and that I couldn't fix her situation. I feel awful because she told me this after i broke up with her and i didn't understand at all. Now i only wish that i could have restarted the relationship with this new take on love. Hopefully i'll find someone who is just as important to me if not more.
This Video made me cry! I came to realise that I really love my boyfriend. I am away from him now and will not see him the next 6 month! I was very sad, because I had "positiv thought" about someone else, but know now that it isn't real love, he just make me feel better... I really love my boyfriend, its clear for me now! Thank You
I think this video outlines the importance of what we humans can sometimes mistake for love when it could be anything but. it has made me ask myself in all honesty "How many people have i actually loved throughout my life unconditionally? In truth i think if we were really honest with ourselves most of us have only loved a hand full of people.
+Victor Alejandro Arcia Castro Yeah, if all he is saying is true, then I think I've never loved anyone either and vice versa :/ So in the end I guess, one of the hardest things to do in life is love someone? Nevertheless, great video!
I learned a very important lesson. Dont lose yourself in love. You may not want to change the person and you lose your selfish part. But when his dreams and future turns away from your own passion, because they become yours. You may reconsider if you love yourself enough to know your limit of loving your other half without turning blind and left with nothing if that love stops. The love to your passions and yourself can last forever and will always be returned, nontheless you'll see beyond "blindness". Don't ever lose yourself in a relationship, I saw that as an exact result of the main reason why my heart ached after the break up.
Hi. Yeah, this isn't about comparing ourselves to an idea of a "perfect" relationship then deciding ours isn't "good enough". No, everything just is what it is. It's no problem. This is about becoming aware of moments when we are not loving, as then we have the opportunity to come back to love.
I had met this girl a while back. We saw each other after a long time and we agreed to meet up again. We then hung out and got to each know each other. She told me she thought I was really cute back when we first met. When I asked if she still does, she said no, sorry. That KILLED me inside. I really liked her, still do, and the fact that she liked me then but I was too blinded to realize makes me sick. I thought our meet up was like a date too based on the way it went. Ugh, girls are so complex, to me at least.
Thank you Noah! Your valuable ideas have been and will continue to transform many lives for the better..to our highest selves not just as a mere theoretical probability but making it a reality..im blessed to have access to such great wisdom..wish we had more ppl like you.
I understand what your saying about "You shouldnt try to change or improve them". I agree and disagree because I am actually in the situation where my Girlfriend isn't confident and doesn't really love herself. I try to change that about her because i do care about her. I hope you can see this and give me a response,
If you love someone, sett them free, if they lovede you, they will come back. If you love someone, you will not give them ultimatums nor expect somthing in return. If you love someone, you will understand them, and they will understad your pain. Love to you all heartbroken out there. ❤
I love your message, it's very simple & easy to understand. Instead of all that law of attraction & positive thinking making me really confused and lost. Thank you I found the way because of you:)
I understand these concepts on a spiritual level and I feel like I understand the higher message that he is making. However, this is dangerous for people who are in abusive relationships or who have childhood trauma or complex trauma. There are actions that are not loving, that you do not have to accept, and it isn't selfish to expect someone to treat you with kindness. When you heal from complex trauma, you can start entering the reality that love is always within you, that you are always abundant in love, and you can then share that with someone else. But I just feel this caveat is always so important.
Nice vid! I would like to make an addition which is: watch out for these ideas becoming demands on yourself and your relationship. True love is a beautiful idea, but it's very easy to lose track of things and end up in a place of constant judgement, where you're only see the flaws of yourself and your relationships. Thanks
Very precise, clear and comprehensive. Read a whole lot of literature- Rumi, Khalil Gibran etc. to understand what it is. These are very helpful set of ideas to understand what is not love. Dealing with the hurt feelings associated with such mistakes is a challenge.
I try to listen to you but I actually get distracted by how handsome you are! Im sure you make a great husband/partner ☺️ you have a great way with words, and my judgement on my past relationships and if I really did love them or if I was just addicted to love? My most recent ex left me 6 weeks ago, we lived together but he left me for another woman and moved her in already 😩Its been a huge change and ive been very distraught...I have a long way to go but you have really helped me calm down today and look at the bigger picture. Thank you x
It's true. It's really true.Thank you Noah. I've just broke up with my boyfriend. We have lived together for 2 years and...something messed up. I was giving more than he was giving to me and this was killing me . He used me a lot. And after that he realized that he don't want serious relationship. He made his decision behind my back . He started searching for other females ,for new work . And his plan was to make his live good and then to come and say: sorry I am leaving u . Well...It's painful . But...I know he was not the person for me and maybe I was not the person for him too. Probably yes I was not the person for him . But...It's painful. We had really love each other but..something messed up. Maybe one day the love was gone and maybe the love was just using each other somehow. Maybe that was.
No you don't want anything in return but they should feel the same in return for it to be unconditional love. But if you love them then they should make you feel good around them but you should feel whole within yourself and vice versa. Love should be from a selfless place because they care about you and want you to be happy and do things for one another without feeling forced.
Hi Noah i would like to thank you for your amazing videos .Because in most of them i found myself and especially in the ones you describe real love .. You helped me to clarify a lot for myself . And right by the end of the video my anxiety was already gone . So once again thank you soo much for very clear explenations you bring up and thanks for helping million of others like me .
Only thing I did was be scared that my ex didn't love me back or want me back. But there's no way I didn't love him because he made me feel emotions I've never felt before. Even when he made me mad and I sat in my room alone, I still wanted to be with him
Just from being still and knowing like Roy Masters teaches I was once enlightened to the fact that Jehovah (GOD) is love and if you do NOT KNOW God then you can never come to know LOVE! I say this because there is only one truth.
Wow I thought she was the selfish one. Now I see it was the other way around. Thank you for your videos. They really help me to understand things a lot better.
6:28 There is a problem w/ that. As you said, it's 'normal', 'that's how we live', 'that's what we've been trained at'': we embark a set of beliefs that are simply not true, coming from romantic movies, fairy tales and co-dependent songs... Then one has to work his/her those limiting beliefs that are most of the time unconscious.
I especially appreciate the definition. I am curious - when a friend is uncomfortable receiving love, is it best to "drop the subject," that is, I can love the person and simply not be compelled to tell them because telling them / their knowing/being reminded has nothing to do with loving them. If I depended on the reaction/response, then by definition it's not love ! ..Right?
I think what I was trying to say was: it's easy to start thinking that these "7 things that aren't love" are bad somehow - especially when you say things like "you're just using your partner to make yourself happy" (and vice versa). But it isn't bad, it's just scared human kids on the run, and that's beautiful too. I'm flawed and immature and imperfect. I don't truly love everything. But at least I'm learning to truly love myself despite that, and I think that is what I always needed.
Ah, Noah's an idealist. There are plenty of things to take away from this and think about, so thank you for that. Though I think there are some things that are being described a bit too black and white. For instance, sometimes when you want someone you love to change, it isn't because you want to change them or them to change for your own feelings or benefit. Sometimes its because you truly love them and see they're suffering the way they are as person and you know if they were to make changes in their life to heal themselves, improve, grow as a person that /they/ would be happier and healthier and you hurt for them because you see they're suffering the way they are. Like someone with an addiction that's eating them up inside, or someone who seems to hate themselves even though you know they're worth loving and you want them to see how much they're worth. So I don't agree that just because you want someone to change, that automatically means you don't genuinely love them or that you're motivations are selfish.
Hey noah just wanted to let you now that your videos are extremely helpful in my point of life right now but no disrespect intended but i feel that the #7 could be argued because if you truly love someone you would want them to love you back, but if they don't you can be accepting of their decision because you truly love them and want whats best fot them
Noah, this video opened my eyes and turned on the water works, my god... I have been in a slump, thank you noah, you have a special mind, thank you so much. Do you have an office ? if so ho does one make an appointment.
Your videos are amazing!! I would find a video dealing with body image to be very helpful and I would love to hear what you have to say on feeling ok about your body.
+Christina Rico If you are believing "I will only love them if they stop their bad habit", then that is not love. But, if we love someone, we could of course still help them to stop harming themselves.
Noah I believe your definition of love is not possible. I think it is a made up concept. I could agree about accepting and maybe selfless (caring for one, being nice but not to get something etc) but unconditional is just to much. You can't feel connected with a person if he has done something really cruel. And in this context I'm not even talking about romantic love. Let's take friendship for example. You may accept the person but unconditional... hmm
+43O just because you have experienced it, doesn't mean it is not possible. unconditional love is when you still love someone no matter how much pain they have caused you.
+43O Unconditional love takes a very mature person, it takes someone who is secure because they've accepted and begun to work on and realize their own flaws. Noah is right, the reason I know this is because I am the son of a crack/meth addict and I have never hated him, only loved him even when he has admitted to me that he is a heathenous thrill seeker, his words not mine, I love him because I accept that I do not know his path, to want someone to change is to say you know better than them, or that you know whats better for them than they do, or that you know their story, their life journey better than they do or how to fix things better than they do. I watched Noahs video here because I have recently gone through a break up and I have been all tore up, I gave her everything, I'm a broke actor and I saved up planned, bought groups to take her out for her bday, searched and searched and search for a cheap airbnb to stay, she has cussed at me, called me a bitch, hit me numerous times, cut me with a spoon but I stayed because I loved her, I always asked her questions about where she was going and what she was doing because of shady things she had been doing since the beginning, I was so depressed when she left, how could she do this to me I thought to my self, after everything I have done for her, there was so much beyond the bday extravaganza, but this video put it in perspective... when I did that was it for her to stop talking to other guys in return? was it for her to do the same on my bday, lol my bday is next month and we are no longer together, no! I did it because I love her, i wanted her to have fun... no in certain moments my love was conditional, I loved her on the condition that she loved me in return, but now it is unconditional, I ignored the red flags, I hoped my actions would change her, I hoped my love would change her, love does not change, love is not meant for change, love is meant for acceptance, you accept them for who they are, she is working on herself, I hope, I am not worried about her coming back at this moment, but if I do worry I will watch these videos again. Noah's perspective is amazing and absolutely selfless, if you are not the least bit selfless it is impossible to love someone, if you are not selfless at all chances are you're a sociopath which many times is not your fault, but thats when it is important to be introspective... To take time to yourself and really learn about yourself... love and accept yourself before you accept another person to because the only one who can make changes ABOUT YOU is YOU!
Hey Noah, it's really great watching you make effort to respond to comments posted, it's awesome..I wanna say something in extension to what you've already said.. The simplest meaning of love is affection, correct me if am wrong..The problem arises when people try to define it instead instead of experiencing it..and mistaking it for the word ' like '.. 'Like' and 'Love' are two different terms..I mean u can love somebody and Not like him, and viceversa..it's just the usage of the word is where everyone gets it wrong..
Yes, as soon as we define something, we compare our experience to the definition. Therefore, trying to match our experience to the experience of our definition limits us. Love can manifest as affection, but it doesn't have to. There is often love with no affection.
I thought love is an action: respect, empathy, kindness, and caring. I agree with virtually all other things mentioned in this video, except that if someone is not caring, then they are not loving.
Watching this video made me realize that I had loved absolutely no one.
Me too, if I'm honest with myself.
Same😂😂
Sad...
Real shit
For romantic love, it should be always us. Selfless me burns you out. Selfish me, we know where it ends. It should be always us when making every decision. Most of us forget that.
Love shows in their actions. Words are sometimes empty. Before you try to love someone else, try to love yourself first. You can NOT give what you don't have.
You're so Intelligent.. I feel like you just told me things that deep down inside I always knew but could never articulate. Thank you.
Love is not unconditional. There are many things that are intolerable in relationships. Lying, cheating, verbal and physical abuse, blatant immorality, criminality, and the like are reasons to leave. We all have our ups and downs that require the patience of our partners, but I would never tell anyone to love someone, 'no matter what...'
Aex
1love Mann
2 love mine brother
3 love abrher prosse
4 love mine Kind ok
If u think that, unfortunately u do not get what Noah tries to say 🙁
Geer Als een speer I think what he's getting at here is: there's the love we can have for ourselves and others that is unconditional. But relationships are by definition conditional, a relationship isn't love, it's humans relating to other humans. You can still love someone and have them be abusive, but because they are abusive you must save yourself and leave. Hence breakups are always a possibility no matter what you think about the other person. You can breakup with someone and still love them, and I think that's what he's getting at here
@@deadislander That is true, I get what you want to say. If you love someone that doesn't mean you need relationship or condition to love.
Those things are intolerable in a relationship. But just because someone does something bad doesn't mean you or them stop LOVING. Some people you have to love from a distance.
You change or improve someone to make them happy. Love isn't unconditional acceptance. If someone is hurting themselves or others with their behavior, we should point out the error of their ways. True love is acting to make someone else happy, and helping them see their blind spots is part of that.
Wow I can’t believe this, I acctually loved her unconditionally but this made me realize that she didn’t… this is why I left even tho it hurt
Actions speak louder than words. If someone says they love you they express it in their lifestyle. No such thing as saying love without living it.
Free Reign Network If you are trying to figure out whether someone loves you based on their actions, you will constantly evaluate their actions, and constantly want them to sacrifice and reaffirm their love. This is not love at all.
Noah Elkrief So true......
I agree with Free Reign Network here...if I understand him/her correctly. To start with, the word "Love" as used in "I Love you" is a VERB. A verb is an action word. "Love" can also be used as a noun which means that it's a person, place or thing. For our use, it's a thing...a thing we cannot see, but non-the-less, still has properties much the same way as "peace" for example does. "Peace" is a noun/thing, even though we cannot see it. However, "Love", like "Peace" is useless unless we take the characteristics/properties of those things, love and peace, and put them into action. Like any other thing, they can still exist, without being used or exercised. Take a TV for example...it can exist, but unless a person physically acts upon it, turns it on and watches it (VERBS), then it is not serving it's purpose. The same is for "Love". Love always exists, but the characteristics of love need to be put into action for it to work.
Noah Elkrief It's not love, but it's the requirement of a relationship
Yess finally someone said using someone for being happy is using not love
Love is complete acceptance, love is unconditional and selfless.
So very true.
Difficult for most people to understand though.
Swati Sharma Because most people confuse a relationship for love. Love and relationships are two very different things. You can love someone but still break up with them if they no longer serve that role in your life (eg: if they cheat on you every day or physically abuse you)
At some point in relationships you have to save yourself, and that's not selfishness, it's self respect
and who really does it ???
Noah, I forgot to mention that only a girl with no self love and no self respect could continue to love a jerk unconditionally regardless how he treats her. The idea of loving someone without expecting love in return sounds very noble but none of us is Jesus. We are only human. Lots of women try loving their men unconditionally while their men fool around behind their backs. Does the true love you talked about here require us to totally ignore our own need and be someone's doormate?
+Susie Lee You are speaking of a relationship, not love. If you aren't being treated the way you want to be treated in a relationship, then leave. But you can love someone, and decide that you don't feel pulled to spend time with them.
+Noah Elkrief That is so true. You can love someone and leave the relationship you have with that person, if it is a toxic relationship like susie describes, and that does not mean you stop loving him, it just means that you are smart enough to love yourself and generous enough to allow the man you love find someone more appropiate for him, someone he could really love.
+carolina pincheira i feel noah is someone who believe in love at first sight or thats how he comes cross to me but i believe that love has to be built over time and carolina i think you are right
Susie Lee Noah explained what love is. He just gave a definition to feelings by virtue of which we can say it is love. He hasn't said anything about what should we do when we are in love :)
well said - I was about to ask that. I guess the point is that love with all your heart without the risk of getting hurt but if it 's not reciprocated well then back off.
I do believe that the love you're talking about is the highest rank of love. we call it in Arabic " Tatayum" " التتيم". its when love reaches a state where you love the other just for being himself,you even feel like you lost control over your own emotions where his bad doings won't effect your love. you will find yourself always forgiving and caring even if you don't like it. Personally, I believe that kind of love is for an elite ,not everyone are able to be like that :).
This helped me a lot and made me understand a lot more. Currently going through a breakup after 3 and a half years. Been really hard, but I've learned to accept it for what it is.
I'm still having a hard time understanding what love is. To me it sounds like love is complete and unconditional acceptance of everything. When I think of it this way having a relationship seems kind of pointless because you are already complete. This really makes me question whether or not I've truly loved anything because everything I claimed that I loved was based on condition and expectation. To attain this concept of unconditional love for everything is truly humbling. Thank you for this video.
I really like the last bit of the video...fulfillment comes from giving love rather than getting love. Thank you, Noah.
Love is a train ride that you can't stop, and you didn't realize you were on the train until it was moving. You don't want the train to stop, but sometimes it makes you feel like jumpng of the moving train because the momentum can become overwhelming.....
Watching this video, I have realized that I have never truly loved someone, because I have never learned how to love myself. This is deep.
You are an enlightened human being, sir. I mean, if you practice at all what you preach, which is rare. But you do come across as genuine, so I'll trust you. Thanks for the wisdom, sir!
If you love someone you don't need them to do anything besides be them. You just love that person. You just truly want nothing but their own personal happiness. Even if they didn't have it you would still love them. You don't feel like they owe you something.
Love is the one thing you make more of, by giving it away.
You seriously need to be on Oprah. These thoughts are very Divine. Keep it up. Very enlightening.
haha... glad you see what I am trying to say
Noah Elkrief you help me a lot , I really appreciate that you are amazing thank u so much keep it up
Love is acceptance , its unconditional and it is selfless.... Wow
And this is why I am giving up on love. There is no point. It is impossible to truly love someone. The closest I’ve come to it is loving my children and my pets. If I can manage to love myself, then I see that as a major accomplishment.
I get it now, if you love someone you want nothing no money etc,You do it cause you want to not because you want something from that person.Thank you ,your are a awesome person for given us your time,it's free...
your voice is full of love.
Hii
number 7 is the kicker....... it is the hardest lesson for most people to learn. The truth is being possessive of another person is inherently selfish and that can never be love. This is what drives all abusive relationships.
I don't often comment on videos, but wanted to say thank you for this. Your videos are thoughtful, insightful and, above all, helpful.
I believe a useful litmus test for a "bad relationship", is whether you get angry at the person you claim to love. If you show anger towards them, it is because you see them as failing to provide something you need and this is to treat them like a means to your own selfish end. It means that you don't truly love them, but rather, you love the thing they provide you (happiness, self-esteem, companionship, reassurance etc).
I have been in relationships where I almost never get angry with the person, and sometimes even cannot imagine being angry with them. I have also been in relationships where I find myself getting angry all the time. In my opinion, the former is a healthy, selfless loving relationship, the latter is an unhealthy, selfish relationship.
It has often been said, because it is true, before you can really love someone else, you have to first learn to love yourself.
Good luck to everyone reading this.
EXACTLY. We are trained since a young age on love being something that isn't. Hence so many dysfunctional relationships all about the world. Still, once you come to this realization you have taken the first step in experiencing real love. Love, just like anything we wish to learn in life requires discipline... discipline... discipline. Don't give up.
A lot of people seem to forget that what Noah is saying in this video, is NOT that if you experience any of these 7 types of things, that means you never loved or will love that person. Basically, I think he means rather that when you experience one of these, it is one of your moments of selfishness, but it doesn't necessarily mean you don't love that person. But it does mean you're not being loving towards them at that moment. That's why you should step back when you feel that 'fake' love, and you acknowledge it and analyze it.
Then again, of course, you could have totally delluded yourself into thinking you were always loving them, when in fact you were not. That's a possibility.
I recently broke up with a girl who was a close friend to me for almost a year, and my partner for a month. I realize now that i had screwed up so badly by trying to fix her situation and not appreciating that she was herself and that I couldn't fix her situation. I feel awful because she told me this after i broke up with her and i didn't understand at all. Now i only wish that i could have restarted the relationship with this new take on love. Hopefully i'll find someone who is just as important to me if not more.
when one says I love you it has to be meant .This word is used without meaning it so much !
dude you are just saving my life with your videos. i have 4 signs out of 7 and i really thank you for guiding me and everyone like me
This Video made me cry! I came to realise that I really love my boyfriend. I am away from him now and will not see him the next 6 month! I was very sad, because I had "positiv thought" about someone else, but know now that it isn't real love, he just make me feel better... I really love my boyfriend, its clear for me now! Thank You
Thank you, Mr Elkrief. I can now listen to 'My Immortal' without tears.
I think this video outlines the importance of what we humans can sometimes mistake for love when it could be anything but.
it has made me ask myself in all honesty "How many people have i actually loved throughout my life unconditionally?
In truth i think if we were really honest with ourselves most of us have only loved a hand full of people.
Omg. What a good video this is. Now i realise i have not loved anyone.. Damn.. Maybe no one has loved me either :( haha
+Victor Alejandro Arcia Castro Yeah, if all he is saying is true, then I think I've never loved anyone either and vice versa :/ So in the end I guess, one of the hardest things to do in life is love someone? Nevertheless, great video!
Whatever people says..you make me feel good and positive..thanks for your videos
It's kind of healing wen u speak. Luvd ur video.
I learned a very important lesson. Dont lose yourself in love. You may not want to change the person and you lose your selfish part. But when his dreams and future turns away from your own passion, because they become yours. You may reconsider if you love yourself enough to know your limit of loving your other half without turning blind and left with nothing if that love stops. The love to your passions and yourself can last forever and will always be returned, nontheless you'll see beyond "blindness". Don't ever lose yourself in a relationship, I saw that as an exact result of the main reason why my heart ached after the break up.
Hi. Yeah, this isn't about comparing ourselves to an idea of a "perfect" relationship then deciding ours isn't "good enough". No, everything just is what it is. It's no problem. This is about becoming aware of moments when we are not loving, as then we have the opportunity to come back to love.
I had met this girl a while back. We saw each other after a long time and we agreed to meet up again. We then hung out and got to each know each other. She told me she thought I was really cute back when we first met. When I asked if she still does, she said no, sorry. That KILLED me inside. I really liked her, still do, and the fact that she liked me then but I was too blinded to realize makes me sick. I thought our meet up was like a date too based on the way it went. Ugh, girls are so complex, to me at least.
+Kunga Sagar preach man, love the picture btw, send that to my buddies all the time for a good laugh.
This is deep but utterly true.
Honestly after watching this video. I dont feel like i understand the meaning of love completely. Thank you for bring this up and sharing
Thank you Noah! Your valuable ideas have been and will continue to transform many lives for the better..to our highest selves not just as a mere theoretical probability but making it a reality..im blessed to have access to such great wisdom..wish we had more ppl like you.
love comes within not outside ourselfs
I understand what your saying about "You shouldnt try to change or improve them". I agree and disagree because I am actually in the situation where my Girlfriend isn't confident and doesn't really love herself. I try to change that about her because i do care about her. I hope you can see this and give me a response,
You're welcome. I have a video about how to heal a broken heart that is good for rejection. Good luck Riz
I'm feeling sleepy hearing your voice, it's so soothing lol
Wow. Acceptance is the key.
Fantastic video! Thnx so much Noah! It does make a lot of scence, for me at last
If you love someone, sett them free, if they lovede you, they will come back.
If you love someone, you will not give them ultimatums nor expect somthing in return.
If you love someone, you will understand them, and they will understad your pain.
Love to you all heartbroken out there. ❤
this really helped me sober up emotionally. thanks noah!
So basically, love only exists between parent/child and owner/pet....
+Belbecat How did you come up with that conclusion?
That's not the point of the vid.
I love my dog, my dog loves me, I wish my woman was more like a dog,
You'll be chocked if dogs could talk.
No, it's that love is a function of giving.
I wanted a little bit more agressive motivational/personal development video but i gotta say i like your calm style.
love is anything but a choice.
I hope I get this way someday, having someone like that
do you live in minnesota, maybe we can meet I'm very kind
I love your message, it's very simple & easy to understand. Instead of all that law of attraction & positive thinking making me really confused and lost. Thank you I found the way because of you:)
Mohsinuddin Saiyed You're welcome, glad it makes sense to you
I understand these concepts on a spiritual level and I feel like I understand the higher message that he is making. However, this is dangerous for people who are in abusive relationships or who have childhood trauma or complex trauma. There are actions that are not loving, that you do not have to accept, and it isn't selfish to expect someone to treat you with kindness. When you heal from complex trauma, you can start entering the reality that love is always within you, that you are always abundant in love, and you can then share that with someone else. But I just feel this caveat is always so important.
Thanks for the valuable information....I found answers to things that were confusing to me
Nice vid! I would like to make an addition which is: watch out for these ideas becoming demands on yourself and your relationship. True love is a beautiful idea, but it's very easy to lose track of things and end up in a place of constant judgement, where you're only see the flaws of yourself and your relationships. Thanks
Very well explained. Thank you.
Very precise, clear and comprehensive. Read a whole lot of literature- Rumi, Khalil Gibran etc. to understand what it is. These are very helpful set of ideas to understand what is not love. Dealing with the hurt feelings associated with such mistakes is a challenge.
Are you an enlightened person!! Thanks for sharing your knowledge... once again!!! ❣️🙏🏻
I try to listen to you but I actually get distracted by how handsome you are! Im sure you make a great husband/partner ☺️ you have a great way with words, and my judgement on my past relationships and if I really did love them or if I was just addicted to love? My most recent ex left me 6 weeks ago, we lived together but he left me for another woman and moved her in already 😩Its been a huge change and ive been very distraught...I have a long way to go but you have really helped me calm down today and look at the bigger picture. Thank you x
YOU ARE TRULY AN AMAZING SOUL NOEL!
You're always helping me ❤️ thank you
Vow! u make me happy!great job
It's true. It's really true.Thank you Noah. I've just broke up with my boyfriend. We have lived together for 2 years and...something messed up. I was giving more than he was giving to me and this was killing me . He used me a lot. And after that he realized that he don't want serious relationship. He made his decision behind my back . He started searching for other females ,for new work . And his plan was to make his live good and then to come and say: sorry I am leaving u . Well...It's painful . But...I know he was not the person for me and maybe I was not the person for him too. Probably yes I was not the person for him . But...It's painful. We had really love each other but..something messed up. Maybe one day the love was gone and maybe the love was just using each other somehow. Maybe that was.
Wonderful inputs Noah.It has started me thinking...Now I realise where i failed...
Colin Rozario Glad to hear it Colin
superlike....u lessons are amazing, changed my way of loving....THnq
I'm a big fan of all your videos, Noah. They help me standing strong in every thing I have to deal with in life! Thank U very much for that!!!
Noah- you are the best teacher! Thank u so much!
No you don't want anything in return but they should feel the same in return for it to be unconditional love. But if you love them then they should make you feel good around them but you should feel whole within yourself and vice versa. Love should be from a selfless place because they care about you and want you to be happy and do things for one another without feeling forced.
Gosh I feel so selfish... This really openned my eyes!
Hi Noah i would like to thank you for your amazing videos .Because in most of them i found myself and especially in the ones you describe real love .. You helped me to clarify a lot for myself . And right by the end of the video my anxiety was already gone . So once again thank you soo much for very clear explenations you bring up and thanks for helping million of others like me .
If that is Loves definition, I have neither Loved nor been Loved.
Only thing I did was be scared that my ex didn't love me back or want me back.
But there's no way I didn't love him because he made me feel emotions I've never felt before. Even when he made me mad and I sat in my room alone, I still wanted to be with him
This is so so so true to my life.
Just from being still and knowing like Roy Masters teaches I was once enlightened to the fact that Jehovah (GOD) is love and if you do NOT KNOW God then you can never come to know LOVE! I say this because there is only one truth.
Wow I thought she was the selfish one. Now I see it was the other way around. Thank you for your videos. They really help me to understand things a lot better.
.....you make some very excellent points! thanks for bringing these to our awareness!
Donna Perry You're welcome Donna
I remember those days of when I used to scoff at the fact that one can be broken just by relationships. But now I'm broken lol now I understand
6:28 There is a problem w/ that. As you said, it's 'normal', 'that's how we live', 'that's what we've been trained at'': we embark a set of beliefs that are simply not true, coming from romantic movies, fairy tales and co-dependent songs... Then one has to work his/her those limiting beliefs that are most of the time unconscious.
I especially appreciate the definition. I am curious - when a friend is uncomfortable receiving love, is it best to "drop the subject," that is, I can love the person and simply not be compelled to tell them because telling them / their knowing/being reminded has nothing to do with loving them. If I depended on the reaction/response, then by definition it's not love ! ..Right?
I think what I was trying to say was: it's easy to start thinking that these "7 things that aren't love" are bad somehow - especially when you say things like "you're just using your partner to make yourself happy" (and vice versa). But it isn't bad, it's just scared human kids on the run, and that's beautiful too. I'm flawed and immature and imperfect. I don't truly love everything. But at least I'm learning to truly love myself despite that, and I think that is what I always needed.
Ah, Noah's an idealist. There are plenty of things to take away from this and think about, so thank you for that. Though I think there are some things that are being described a bit too black and white. For instance, sometimes when you want someone you love to change, it isn't because you want to change them or them to change for your own feelings or benefit. Sometimes its because you truly love them and see they're suffering the way they are as person and you know if they were to make changes in their life to heal themselves, improve, grow as a person that /they/ would be happier and healthier and you hurt for them because you see they're suffering the way they are. Like someone with an addiction that's eating them up inside, or someone who seems to hate themselves even though you know they're worth loving and you want them to see how much they're worth. So I don't agree that just because you want someone to change, that automatically means you don't genuinely love them or that you're motivations are selfish.
Noah .....u gave me a new lease of life.thank u
wow your amazing Noah Elkrief, do you have a video on how to deal or react with rejection and letting go
Hey noah just wanted to let you now that your videos are extremely helpful in my point of life right now but no disrespect intended but i feel that the #7 could be argued because if you truly love someone you would want them to love you back, but if they don't you can be accepting of their decision because you truly love them and want whats best fot them
Noah, this video opened my eyes and turned on the water works, my god... I have been in a slump, thank you noah, you have a special mind, thank you so much. Do you have an office ? if so ho does one make an appointment.
Your videos are amazing!! I would find a video dealing with body image to be very helpful and I would love to hear what you have to say on feeling ok about your body.
i love your videos, especially the "i love you" video. can you make a video on loving yourself and steps to get there?
Thanks so much u words are so true and powerful .i really like it
so if we want to change someones bad habit like smoking or drinking or whatever we dont love them??
+Christina Rico If you are believing "I will only love them if they stop their bad habit", then that is not love. But, if we love someone, we could of course still help them to stop harming themselves.
Noah I believe your definition of love is not possible. I think it is a made up concept. I could agree about accepting and maybe selfless (caring for one, being nice but not to get something etc) but unconditional is just to much. You can't feel connected with a person if he has done something really cruel. And in this context I'm not even talking about romantic love. Let's take friendship for example. You may accept the person but unconditional... hmm
+43O just because you have experienced it, doesn't mean it is not possible. unconditional love is when you still love someone no matter how much pain they have caused you.
+43O Unconditional love takes a very mature person, it takes someone who is secure because they've accepted and begun to work on and realize their own flaws. Noah is right, the reason I know this is because I am the son of a crack/meth addict and I have never hated him, only loved him even when he has admitted to me that he is a heathenous thrill seeker, his words not mine, I love him because I accept that I do not know his path, to want someone to change is to say you know better than them, or that you know whats better for them than they do, or that you know their story, their life journey better than they do or how to fix things better than they do. I watched Noahs video here because I have recently gone through a break up and I have been all tore up, I gave her everything, I'm a broke actor and I saved up planned, bought groups to take her out for her bday, searched and searched and search for a cheap airbnb to stay, she has cussed at me, called me a bitch, hit me numerous times, cut me with a spoon but I stayed because I loved her, I always asked her questions about where she was going and what she was doing because of shady things she had been doing since the beginning, I was so depressed when she left, how could she do this to me I thought to my self, after everything I have done for her, there was so much beyond the bday extravaganza, but this video put it in perspective... when I did that was it for her to stop talking to other guys in return? was it for her to do the same on my bday, lol my bday is next month and we are no longer together, no!
I did it because I love her, i wanted her to have fun... no in certain moments my love was conditional, I loved her on the condition that she loved me in return, but now it is unconditional, I ignored the red flags, I hoped my actions would change her, I hoped my love would change her, love does not change, love is not meant for change, love is meant for acceptance, you accept them for who they are, she is working on herself, I hope, I am not worried about her coming back at this moment, but if I do worry I will watch these videos again. Noah's perspective is amazing and absolutely selfless, if you are not the least bit selfless it is impossible to love someone, if you are not selfless at all chances are you're a sociopath which many times is not your fault, but thats when it is important to be introspective... To take time to yourself and really learn about yourself... love and accept yourself before you accept another person to because the only one who can make changes ABOUT YOU is YOU!
E.J. Gibson sir you are a very beautiful person , I respect you god bless you stay happy (-:
Noah Elkrief the way you speak is so like woah the way you phrase things just kind of make my brain happy if that made any sense to you lol sorry
thank you for all your research. i tried your worksheet with a core issues and got instant results. namaste
Noe Estrella Awesome
Which worksheet
Hey Noah, it's really great watching you make effort to respond to comments posted, it's awesome..I wanna say something in extension to what you've already said..
The simplest meaning of love is affection, correct me if am wrong..The problem arises when people try to define it instead instead of experiencing it..and mistaking it for the word ' like '..
'Like' and 'Love' are two different terms..I mean u can love somebody and Not like him, and viceversa..it's just the usage of the word is where everyone gets it wrong..
Sorry, I should've posted on the other video ' what is love'
Yes, as soon as we define something, we compare our experience to the definition. Therefore, trying to match our experience to the experience of our definition limits us. Love can manifest as affection, but it doesn't have to. There is often love with no affection.
this was so deep, thank you very much!
I would LOVE to know what +Noah Elkrief thinks about the popular phrase "love is love" and the way its being used these days.
I thought love is an action: respect, empathy, kindness, and caring.
I agree with virtually all other things mentioned in this video, except that if someone is not caring, then they are not loving.
this is nice..i hope i can work out this suffering about love and rejections....it enlighten up my mind tnx