I often spend ages editing a comment (like this one) to make sure it is right before posting it, though I've only checked and corrected this one about ten times.
Yep! It must be spelled right with no grammatical errors. It has to be straight to the point and short but include ALL the info that "needs" to be shared. Did I edit this comment as I typed it? Yes, yes I did 😂😝🤷🏼♀️
I am Dutch, so English is not my native language. Therefore I use the automatic dictionary in WhatsApp. Problem is that when I type something correctly in Dutch, the automatic dictionary spell checker corrects it in an English word. Several times I saw I did sent an email with a spelling error because of this. I felt so ashamed by that, but indeed I never did receive a negative response on my typo's. It's so good to read that I'm not the only one suffering with the check, dubbel check and mistimed memory.
Yup! You should choose a job like programming, where you can publish the next version,which will fix all the bugs and even code style of the previous one! Big relief!
I cannot believe how spot on this gentleman is at describing my life experiences. Particularly the section on perfectionism. I always found this to be a good trait in myself. I did not realise, until late in life, that NT people do not like this trait. They do not like attention to be drawn to their mistakes. Whereas I like to be told when I have made a mistake so I can correct it and learn from it.
@@Catlily5it sounds like you and the OP approach perfectionism from completely different perspectives, with you seeing imperfections as failures and OP seeing imperfections as growth opportunities. Thank you for sharing this because it helped me realize why I disagree with a comment on another thread about perfectionism being a sign of anxiety and having been criticized by adults as a child - I don’t find that to be the case at all, and I’m curious if you do, because I find it interesting that psychologists think a single human trait can be used to both diagnose anxiety and explain why they developed anxiety in the first place.
@@username00009 I was criticized a lot by my mother as a child. It was impossible to please her. So it is quite possible that this influenced my perfectionism. Certainly anxiety can trigger more perfectionism in me. And perfectionism causes me tons of anxiety. It is a vicious circle. I think it is possible that different people have different reasons for their perfectionism, though.
I also proofread my emails 100 times before sending. I've tried to train myself not to do that, but it made me feel miserable. So, now I've reframed it - I no longer think of it as a useless time-waster, but as something that makes me happy.
This resonates loud and clear with me, but it also helps me to think better of myself. I always feel so judgemental when I find the mistakes and errors of others, but it is not that, just how my brain works.
Be more self aware. I had to "correct" you.😅😅😅 (I say "correct" because I am assuming what you are conveying. Also, learning that my way, regarding others isn't "right". There is no right or wrong when it comes to social communication or someone expressing themselves. This thinking is based on black and white thinking and no in between.
2500% perfectionist here. I'm a musician. After I've finished writing the score of a symphony or a concerto, and before sending it out to the publishers', I know it's exclusively me and no one else to double, triple, quadruple, quintuple (and so on) check my product. NO FLAWS ALLOWED, because no else is able to correct my work the way I intended it to represent the music coming out of my soul and brain. The same goes for languages. I'm a Spanish native speaker (which is obviously fully controlled linguistically by my brain). When writing or communicating in my non-native languages, like English, German, French, Portuguese, Italian, etc., I ALWAYS multiple-check my spelling, the grammar, the nuances, the diacritics, the accents, the inflections, etc. I know it sounds WAAY obssessive, but I think it's long been fuelled by the fact I was born and raised many years ago in a Latin American "cultural realm" where no one seems to give a damn about "correctness" and "accuracy"; where everything you do is allowed to be "naturally and beautifully imperfect", and just to be left alone "as is". As the autistic grown-up I am, I certainly rebel against that. Not tiresome or energy-consuming for me, I'm capable of doing it; it's just an honest expression of my true autistic self.
Hi musician! I am an artist too. Making miniatures and figurines, and the mediculousity correctness and accuracy in my work is the only way to show other people my exuberant and overwhelming imagination. I guess a similar process is necessary for creating music. I feel fine this way. (doing my stuff by hearing music 😉)
This is such a perfect description of the executive functioning problems. No wonder it is sometimes easier to avoid doing it at all, instead of taking the risk of doing something with uncontrollable imperfections that could potentially have all sorts of unpleasant consequences.
Exactly! I’m autistic but I also have severe adhd and I’m definitely having to go back up the stairs to get the car keys even after I get to the car and then I do that a few more times with my chapstick and water bottle ugh so exhausting
@@caitlinwhatthefrick2361 I learned to always keep chapstick in my jacket pocket - as I'd need it whenever I would need the jacket. Another strategy that I used for a long time, was to keep a little zippered "change purse" sized zipped bag with my wallet & keys, and I'd keep chapstick, nail clippers, toothpicks, etc. or anything that I used frequently/needed often. I'd then always have that little bag in my pocket whenever I put my wallet in my pocket. I've also distributed stashes of nail clippers (I have the cuticle picking things and need them often), tissues, water bottles, etc. in the car, my desk(s), end table by the TV, etc. so I don't have to go looking for them as they're always where I am/need them. Nail clippers and tissues, etc. are cheap, so I'd just buy many of them & put them within arms reach of where I might need them, so I didn't have to remember where they were.
`yes.. thats what i was going to say.. i have bags.. !! and.... i have many often with me each time in many places.. because of the logical conclusion i waste soooo much time and stress forgetting looking for stuff.... the frustration still continues... looking in the bags.. thinking i have forgotten something go all the way back in house etc only to find they were back in the car in my bag i just didnt look totally thoroughly in a hurry.. even though sometimes i empty bags out in frustration... guaranteed.. i always have numerous pens, nail cutters, hankerchgiefs, deodorants, sensory stimm scents.. moisturisers to help reduce picking... paper in case i have thoughts i need to not forget or because need to distract /disguise a social awkwardness@@EarthLovingFrequency
@@EarthLovingFrequency great idea! Yeah I have a mini backpack as my purse so it’s perfect for keeping many things like snacks, 5 chapsticks (lol), bandaids, a pen, notepad, etc. Great idea about putting tissues etc. in your car and desks!
This explains perfectly my issue with my current job as programmer and why it feels like I take way more time to finish a task than others. I'm just unable to accept my changes until there's literally not a single error that I can find any part of the code I've touched. I also have hard time controlling myself and not start fixing errors that I've also just seen, but do not relate to my current task.
I'm a craftsperson. I pay attention to details, but nothing I make is ever perfect. I've had to accept that. When my daughter was little, I learned the concept of "good enough" from her. She was making a clay candle holder for her grandma for Christmas. After a while she said, "It's good enough." She was finished. I try to fix most mistakes, but eventually I just have to say, "It's good enough." Quilters have a saying, "Finished is better than perfect."
I find it helps me to have a general expectation for what's "good enough." That's something I've hopefully thought about before asking whether a particular thing is good enough. Trying to decide "how good is good enough" in the heat of the moment is a lot harder.
however this backfires when people you work with know your capacity. Then the saying transforms from "it's good enough" into "it is not good enough, coming from you". Remember how Jesus said 'to whom is given many, many shall be expected from' or something along those lines. Or that Myamoto (Nintendo) saying about a good but delayed and bad but on time game - "A delayed game is eventually good, a rushed game is bad forever".
I've been called perfectionist many times at work. I'm writing software, writing and rewriting, and then returning in a few months and rewriting again. I rerun in my head lots of scenarios how the things may go wrong and fixing them before I'm satisfied with the results. The good thing is my code works for years with no bugs filed against it. Some people annoy me coming with a task and saying it's easy to do without thinking even a little bit about how to implement it right or about lots of corner cases. I always come with "what if" cases and they think I just don't want to commit to schedule and bargaining for more time. Some managers just openly say they want "quick and dirty", and I can't write "dirty code" nor I think it would be quick anyway. The worst time is when I'm required to review other people's code, and I'm finding issues after issues. People write wrong and sloppy code all the time, but I can't really do the reviewing because no matter how many times they fix their code they never do it right and they end up hating me. So if I can't weasel out of reviewing other people's code, I just skip the whole process and approve everything.
@@ElementaryWatson-123 , If ever there's soething to be a perfectionist about, it's probably computer code. I remember way back in the 80s when I was trying to teach people how to use desktop computers, they had a hard time understanding that a semicolon and a colon weren't interchangeable to the computer. Computers don't "make allowances."
I think it might be why I am slow at some things. It has a negative impact on my grades (I answer half of the questions in an exam perfectly and lack the time to answer the other half) and on my hobbies too (it takes me forever to make a decision in a strategy game, so for example I never got close to finishing a game of Civilization)
@Autism from the inside, I will get round to emailing you soon. But about this video, I was highly amused, not only because I've been there but also have spent a lifetime developing strategies to avoid what you described. Having trained as a teaching assistant for dyslexic adults, I also recognise that almost everything you mentioned can be avoided by taking time to plan, and giving thought to what you want to achieve - before starting to act. The desire to save time and effort is an ADHD trait I think, exacerbated by the forgetfulness you describe which is a trait that goes along with the spelling mistake thing, where your brain is racing ahead of where you are with actually scribing the thought you want to share. The fastest way to check for SPELLING mistakes, after you know you've ordered the text to communicate the 'message' accurately, is to start at the END, and read each word as a standalone code. That way your brain does not skip over words when reading forwards, that might be misspelled, because when reading forwards you are subconsciously checking for meaning (which should have already been achieved), wasting brain space and mental energy that should be focused on checking spelling only.. I completely agree about packing but I start with everything possible out and in view, then work out what I cannot take, don't need after all, or choose to do without because it's the least important to include. Lists. INDISPENSIBLE!
Now that you have pointed it out I will most likely notice more often when I go back and re-arrange things. From E-Mails, to cleaning my home, to making plans- I feel like I am constantly re-arranging all areas of my life to get them „just right“. And it costs a lot of energy and time. One reason why I hate spontaneity is because I will have to re-arrange my whole week-plan. I spend so many hours a week just planning and going over things over and over again. Hopefully I will do it less often, now that I’ll notice it more. Or maybe I can’t help it, we will see.
Over the years it has been easier to let go the need to redo something, but I still can see what could have been done better. I choose not to redress the issue. The funny thing is I see all the mistakes. I just don't have the energy to redo. And you are right, most people are oblivious.
Well... I'm a knitter. Last year I made myself a coat. Didn't like the front so I undid it and knitted again. Now working on the third version of that front... Still not satisfied but it will do until I can't stand it anymore and frog it again to make a 4th version😅
Absolutely true! I observed that non- autistic people are generally happy with 60-80% done ('better done than perfect'), whereas autistic people like to reach as close to 100% as possible. Also with understanding- autistic people have the need to understand everything that is communicated, whereas NT's think they understand it all, even if they only understand 60% of what was communicated.
People do say I pay attention to detail, though I still wouldn’t say I am a perfectionist. Still sometimes I try to do everything the same way, even if it is not perfect.
Oh, that *really* resonated, especially with how I approach writing. My biggest issue is that my mental idea of "better" is "includes more information and/or gives me more satisfaction that I've said what's on my mind" so the more I edit, the longer and longer the text gets. Even when I *know* that longer isn't better and edit with the intent of cutting and making it shorter, I still somehow end up making it longer instead. Whether it's an email or a youtube comment, my writing has a tendency to get completely out of hand in terms of length. Sometimes I need character limits to rein me in. You said you like verbal communication because you can't go back and edit... Well, this is only half true. You can't go back, but you can edit by saying the same thing over again, but slightly differently/from a different angle. You'll just annoy your conversation partner by over-explaining. But my little sister and I both do this at times. 😅 I've been making a concerted effort over time to let things go and stop coming back to make corrections, because otherwise it could go on indefinitely. I'm getting better at declaring things "good enough" and not making a fuss, for example, if I sent something with a typo in it. It is definitely a challenge, though.
This is me 100%. Like when it comes to traveling, I am so afraid of that last-minute forgetting, especially when it comes to the most critical documents that can destroy your trip if you forget them, that to forestall any such possibility I start packing, checking, re-checking, isolating and prominently placing the most vital items where they cannot be forgotten, days or a week ahead. This brings me that reassurance that, as you put it, my "one shot" at getting this right is thoroughly taken care of, it won't go wrong. By the way, I long decided I'm absolutely NOT going to do that completely unnecessary and herd-like physical "phone" gesture when I mention phoning somebody.
This describes my entire life, people have always urged me to fix it, but it genuinely feels impossible because it feels like I’ve been hardwired to be like this from the very start. I used to be in a 3D modeling class and whenever we were gonna start a new project I always felt a sense of dread of all the time it was gonna take for me to get it done because of my perfectionism. I would even desperately ask my teacher to instruct me on the best workflow for my assignment because there are so many ways to unknowingly make catastrophic mistakes in 3D software, so I needed to make sure I started out correctly. To him it didn’t seem like a big deal, but for me it was a critical moment. When I make a mistake, it takes me forever to correct it, and then it becomes even worse when you notice a chain of mistakes, making the process 10x more time consuming. I’ve always wondered why it took me 4 hours to do something that someone could do in 15 to 30 mins, it’s demoralizing.
I can relate to everything you said! Especially the preference for talking to people on the phone instead of emails or texts so that I can just get it over with and not revisit it over and over. Also, I like to travel and although the initial packing is agonizing, it’s so much fun to go places and not have to make decisions every day about what to bring… However, when I travel, I do find myself making lists of the things I forgot so I can bring them next time. Just when I think maybe I am not on the spectrum, after all, I watch one of your videos, and everything resonates 100%!
Funnily enough, I find the opposite. Perhaps because of my ADHD but I prefer text or email because then there is no ambiguity and there is a record. I can make sure that I use the exact word with the exact meaning I meant, and can remove any ambiguity. Not to mention with my memory, being able to go back and see exactly what I/they said, even 10 seconds later is a life saver.
Lol. Your description of the "double checking" process is so true. Even when commenting on TH-cam, I will proofread every comment for spelling, punctuation, and grammatical mistakes before I post it. After posting, I will read it again to ensure that I didn't make any mistakes. I will usually find myself correcting it multiple times. Leaving a typo in something I have written would literally make my head explode.
Two strategies that help with the "mismatched memory" issue. One: I've developed systems that avoid or don't require the use of memory: like, always putting my wallet, keys, etc. that I need every time I go out in the exact same spot so that they will all go in my pocket, etc together; I use the same strategy for scissors, etc. (this can seem like OCD because the habit can seem like "compulsion" but it's really panic, knowing that I'd spend my entire life looking for wallet, keys, scissors, etc. if I didn't have this strong habit of "everything has a place and is always put in it" for important stuff). Similarly, I pack the passport first; and when I was traveling a lot, I kept a bag packed with everything I needed: toiletries, pajamas, slippers, coffee & way to make it, etc. and only had to add whatever clothing I needed for however long I'd be gone. That way my memory and executive function would be taxed the least (or something like "think/remember once, read many" to maximize the reach/effectiveness what executive function I managed to muster). I remember being terrified in Middle School when I was suddenly responsible for remembering my own homework assignments. It was horrifically hard. I learned to leave large notes in front of my bedroom door so I'd have to move them to leave my room. I also learned the strict habit (still have to sometimes remind myself to this day - 5 decades later) of "do it NOW while you are thinking about it". That's similar to the advice I once read for executives: "one touch" decision making - do whatever needs doing while you are reading the letter/email/whatever the first time & get it off your mind. I've had older partners who complained about their CRS ("can't remember sh*t") as they aged & was surprised and a bit frustrated, as I've had to develop systems and habits for my "CRS" since I was, like 10. I'm thinking of offering a class for local seniors on "strategies for dealing with CRS" LOL Two: Recently (in the past couple years) I've also begun to notice that I often have a particular, niggling little feeling/sensation that, I've learned, means I'm forgetting something. I'm learning to develop the habit for checking if I'm having this feeling before I commit to going out. When I learned about the method called Internal Family Systems (quite powerful and awesome, and you can learn it free/cheap -- there's a series of meditations on the free app Insight Timer, for example, by the founder/inventor - worth checking out), I decided that this feeling means that some "Part" of me does remember, it's just not getting "air time" or able to fully enter my consciousness. What I noticed, over time, is that when I ignore this rather subtle feeling, I invariably find I've forgotten something. What I do now is to at least semi-consciously check in to see if I'm having that feeling before I leave the house and, if I do, to turn around and/or follow where ever it feels like I should go. Usually, I go back to my office/bedroom and every time I see something that's like "Oh! I'm glad I didn't forget that!". Recently, as I was headed to the car I even thought "the cat's out & it's raining, but oh well, I guess she'll come in when I'm back". As I was about to open the front door I had that feeling. I mentally went over everything I could have forgotten but really couldn't think of anything (wallet -- check; keys - check; shopping list - etc.) but, as I'm learning better, I followed the feeling anyway, and went back to my room expecting to find something glaring sitting out that I'd forgotten. Instead, I found the cat at the sliding door, wanting to come in out of the rain! So, I don't know if it will work for everyone, but it's really helping me to try to pay attention, even to small niggling feelings, and see if there's some "Part" of me that *is* tracking what's hard for me to track and, somehow, does "know" what I'm forgetting. Given that the model in IFS is that our Parts are younger, "inner child" kind of neural-associations or networks, I always try to appreciate and thank whatever "Part" of me is able to and is looking out for me/the whole of us. Works for me, so far!
You're not alone in this. I struggle with the iterative nature of my brain. It has a lot to do with perfectionism so much as it is about function. I find that a lot of autistic individuals have a keen sense of what works and what doesn't. Your goal is to communicate clearly, and you find the mistakes ingratiating. I have PDA issues due to the fear of making a mistake. It gets to the point where I can't do anything due to being afraid of making an error or my research/knowledge not being good enough. I think where this comes from in my life is being told all of my life that I'm a failure and feeling like I can never meet expectations. So I end up trying really hard. I actually learned that communication mediums (like Discord) that allow editing have helped me tons. If I feel it is needed, I can go back and edit something to be more clear about what I mean based on the feedback of peers. Interaction is what helps to curb this behavior. It is incredibly difficult though to find peers who understand this and can help guide me in my efforts to communicate. I agree 100% that it is tiring, and often I get burned out. Thanks for sharing. It is nice to know that I'm not alone.
Boy oh boy, do I relate! Though I will say, I used to have a problem with editing my oral communication as well. I would often call people back after a conversation just to clear up something I had said that could've been taken the wrong way -- or just taken any way other than what I intended. I had to close off as many avenues of interpretation as possible so that there was no possibility of misinterpretation, no matter how slight or inconsequential. I have been called pedantic in the past because of this self-editing and obsession with being precise. I'm glad I've learned to dial it back . . . because it is exhausting.
I don't know if I'm autistic or not, but I am SO much of a perfectionist! It feels like you're describing my life! From the memory tics you describe to the impossibility of choosing JUST 150 of 200 mistakes, it's me! As for the newspaper mistakes, I would just consider this column (with 3 mistakes in it) being a single mistake, and this little story (with 5 mistakes in it) as being a single mistake, as well. Hey, you didn't say I couldn't find a workaround! 😂 One thing about it is that I'm good at being a proofreader for friends - when I know they can DEAL with the criticism that pointing out misspellings, grammar mistakes, getting homonyms mixed up, and the like truly feels like. If they can't deal with that, I stop helping and walk away. 😂 I really DO feel the need to send a correction for a messed up SMS (or Messenger, or other DM), because if I don't, the error will sit there and mock me until I do. 😂 And double-checking and triple-checking (or quadruple- or quintuple-checking) things is just a way of life for me. Wish I DID have workarounds, because I have probably a dozen at a time projects floating around waiting for me to get back to them because I'm afraid of wrecking the next step. Like I said, I've no clue if I am on any of the spectrum or not, but OMFG, this video seems like it's ABOUT ME! 😮 It's quite amazing, really
I forget things could constantly. I'm always checking and rechecking what I think I'm going to miss, just to miss something else. I have a shoe organizer on my dining room door for this reason. But, yet I still forget things. But, I agree with this video 110%. I haven't been diagnosed with autism or ADHD yet but, these videos just keep confirming what I suspect. Thank you for making this!
I can deginitely relate to this. I only recently realised I automatically tripple-check all my emails after so many past errors. A helpful strategy I have is keeping & re-using lists. I have a book of lists for packing for specific events/situations (camping, hotels, abroad, family), and a saved festival packing list.
Allistic ADHD perspective, but I can somewhat relate because this reminds me of last year Thanksgiving (in the US). I had cooked a whole bunch of things I was meant to bring to my parents' place an hour and half drive away, and thought I had gotten all the dishes in my car. 5 minutes into the drive I realized I forgot the turkey, drove back. On my way again, 5 minutes into the drive, I remembered I forgot the salad, drove back to my house. THIS HAPPENED TO ME 4 TIMES IN A ROW! i was two hours late to Thanksgiving 😅 but i brought the most food of everyone in my family!
I only recently started to consider I have ASD. I was still having doubts until I heard you describe the exact process my mind goes through to send an email 😂
My partner once described this trait in me as "you always have to make the best choice" when I'd asked them to help me with some basic task (probably a text message or something) where it was ambiguous whether or not a choice was better than the other, I just couldn't let it go and had to analyze the situation for ages. In the end, yeah, they just helped me come to the understanding that it really wouldn't matter one way or the other and let's just do it like this. (They didn't say it judgementally, just more in like a, they've come to understand how I work and that's why this situation is difficult for me, kind of way) But yeah, this is such a common theme in my life, I heavily debate like everything I do to make sure it's the best choice but it just takes a really long time and quite a lot of energy, so :'D Though the worst thing about this trait is seeing other people making mistakes or not doing things to a standard I'd hold to myself. It's just like I've learnt that most of the time if I were to say that to the other person, they'd hate me, so I just have to die inside. It's so unclear and difficult to know when I actually should let other people know they should've done something better or not, so I just default to not saying it even when I probably should.
I'm autistic but not exceedingly perfectionist - well in a different way. I suspect my mum is also autistic and she very much is, sees the "opportunity for improvement" as you say. The issue is it can come across as super critical when she's spotting mistakes, imperfections, stains, a better way, etc, and points them out systematically. If it's for her stuff that's ok, but when it's others', you feel you're never good enough, it'll never be right. I once offered her something I'd made for her. The next day she showed me one that was done better, to show me. Helpful to get your perspective.
Omg yes, I am a bookkeeper, and that drives me insane. I am good with processing taxes because I am just following the directions set by the IRS. The bookkeeping is all me, and I can't charge my clients all of the hours because it's me fault. Now that I am finally on ADHD meds, I have gotten better. I have messed up reports because I overthink, overwork a simple report, or categorize the items.
Waxing philosophical.....'Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack, a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.' - Leonard Cohen...... Helps me forgive imperfection in everything except packing for a trip. I'm a 'bring the kitchen sink' kind of person. Obsessive. Always. Driving myself crazy until I'm in the car. Maybe even then. But if I'm painting a picture, obsessing kills it every time. Whereas allowing imperfection/intuition sometimes MAKES a picture. That took years to learn.
You just described my editing process, on my videos to a "T." You really have a way of making me think about things in a way I never thought of before. I am a perfectionist. My hobby is editing and creating videos and I constantly go back and change things, up to even my thumbnail after published. I think to myself "I must be crazy to do all this!" But you explain it very well. I always obsessively check my purse to make sure my keys are there and everything else I need for the day before I leave the house. It's exhausting. And I really like the part when you say in a social situation, we can't have do overs. *Sigh. That is so true. I can control the things I do in my environment, but not the other type of things that cause me so much social anxiety. Thank you for this video.
'Just do your best' People at work always repeat this to me and my brain goes 😵💫 I can't do my best, there's no time for that. Is everyone else doing their best already? They seem to constantly screw up and have no idea what's going on, is that what's expected from me? Are they doing it on purpose to keep expectations low so they can slack off or is this them trying their best and failing? What am I missing here, how do they all just... get it? it's like they had a meeting and all agreed on... something, but I wasn't there.
I think this video has solved a career-long problem I've had at work, as well as in my personal life. The 'there's always a bigger fish' principle: 'there's always a higher gear' for autistic people. I've exhausted myself checking and rechecking hundred-page reports again and again and again and always finding something to 'fix'. To avoid this, I've occasionally procured a non-autistic colleague who I trust to set an appropriate standard for the work in question, to be the gatekeeper for my work. They tell me when it's done, and take it away from me, and then I can relax. I've only ever done that on really important pieces of work, but now I think I'm going to ask for that as much as humanly possible!
This is why comments that are supposed to be encouraging like “just do your best” are actually so intimidating or overwhelming for me! Cause every time I notice even the smallest mistakes, especially in homework, I think “well if I don’t fix it it’s not my best, because I know this is a problem/mistake and I know exactly how to fix it (or know how to figure out how to fix it)”. AND THEN I DO THAT ENDLESSLY and never turn in the homework 🤦🏻♀️
This is an autism/neurodivergent thing?? The way you described your experience writing emails is my exact experience.. And remembering things at the wrong time.. That's not an everybody thing either? I've been diving into autism videos and such all week, thinking like I might be on the spectrum and I keep finding things like this that just resonate so much. Thanks for doing what you're doing!
Thinking the exact same thing. But I'm more and more sure about me beeing on the spectrum.... I'm on medicine for anxiety and I'm starting to understand where this constant anxiety comes from.
No, not a perfectionist, but I do hold myself to higher standards and seek self-improvement in myself and others. But I have to acknowledge that flaw and mistakes are always inevitable
It took me getting severely ill and housebound with CFS and fibromyalgia, as a single mom, and having to give up my business to get me to be ok with not habi g to do it perfectly. I couldn't, and it caused me soon much stress.
Sometimes it can take several hours for me to compose an email because I keep going back and changing things until it sounds perfect enough to me to send. I do genealogy and have broken down a number of brick walls because I notice details about things that can lead to finding people and situations that hadn't been found before. Once on a job evaluation I was told that I was too much of a perfectionist and that it affected my productivity in a negative way. I could go on and on.
It was in retail, which I no longer do. If they couldn't appreciate me ..... I now work as the In-house Substitute Teacher in my local School District Preschool. I love doing that. It's not really that demanding and since I don't have grandchildren of my own I now have a whole building full of grandchildren.
I am sooooo happy to hear all of this! Almost everything in this video is part of a big challenge my partner & I are having. Discovering that others do this too helps my confidence soooo much!
It happens to me at work constantly, I notice the stuff no one else does that will eventually cause us all issues later on and double our workload. But primarily it happens with art a lot I noticed. I’ll go super into heavy detailing and making sure everything looks right. Only for most people to not notice those details ever. 🤷♂️ oh well, I did.
This is why I love your channel. You continuously surprise and educate me on how so many of my life struggles are indeed a direct result of my autism. This is yet again another video describing me to a T. I literally spend hours sometimes composing, proof reading , editing, sending, re-proofreading, pulling it back and re-editing, and on and on it goes for a Facebook comment, an email, or even a TH-cam comment, trying to perfect things to my satisfaction.
BTW, I recently I watched your video related to eating the same meals regularly and loved it! I heard you mention something like this last year about eating the same meals, so since then I have adopted that same way of eating and am realizing that it is really helpful rather than what I thought before, which was that it wasn't healthy. What I love about it is the emphasis on the ritual of eating, taking time out to have that security of knowing exactly what to expect and what will be enjoyed. I think having those daily rituals really helps calm the complexity of the mind that is high definition and always on. Really helps to give it a break.
I experienced this when I started writing on Word. I fixed writing mistakes over and over again, and everytime I thought "I won't fix it anymore." But I kept going back and finding more mistakes to fix. In doing so, I don't make progress, I get tired of working on the project, and stop writing. It's very efficient. This video is enlightening! I am considering the possibility of being or the spectrum, so I'm gathering as much info as I can to make sure I get this right. I am watching a lot of content and pondering if I relate to the experience.
I just lost a wonderful, honorable, intelligent, and down-to-Earth Woman and Friend after 29 years of marriage. She, a neuro-typical go-getter, was so good at beginning, middle, and ending projects that she labored and earned her way through a Bachelors, a Masters, and a PhD. I, by comparison, began three scripts but never finished one due to 'one more added detail,' 'another good idea to add', and 'oh, I keep finding flaws - let me in there to tweak and correct and polish some more.' She kept seeing a wheel-spinner and felt like a caregiver, carrying me. I lost her trust. If I AM truly Autistic, I didn't know/didn't know that with which I was dealing. Her parents were not starters w/o becoming finishers, so, compared to them I might've looked like I didn't really want to be published. Sigh ... now I have some good perspective. Lonesomeness isn't so bad after all. Companionship ain't everything. If I've misspelled anything in this here post-reply, I guess I will leave the damn errors as they are. Life is good. It's time to finish a work for me, for life, for God, and for my maybe myriad sweet readers, actors, and film-goers. Siiiigh!
i get the whole "constantly seeing areas for improvement", for me it started from a space of a growth based mindset, but over time it's turned into almost perfectionism. I rarely, if ever, see myself as, or work I've done as good enough, I always find the mistakes. This kind of extends to (or is related to) an attitude(?) of always expecting something to go wrong, e.g If I buy something new I'm expecting from the get go that some minor damage will happen to the product. Back to criticism of myself and work/activity performance, this over time has led to a pattern of avoidance, which is something I am now having to do a lot of work to undo that pattern of thought and actions (or inaction)
I read the book "The Checklist Manifesto" so now I make copious checklists on my phone. My brain gets overloaded often so externalizing thoughts helps to reduce my cognitive load and to reduce my error rate.
Yes! As someone who lives most of his life as a "foreigner" in international contexts, I find the "cocoon" experience of carrying my "home," or all the "home" that's available to me at the moment, i.e., what I've chosen to pack (and not to pack) to be immensely liberating. Both the completeness of my little home--my little "island home"--located, in a sense, both within the private, "cute" little treasure store of my suitcase (my "tiny house" on wheels) and the simplicity of my accommodations (hotel room, guest room) brings cognitive stasis, sensory boundedness, liberation from the fear of missing, overlooking, forgetting or being intruded upon by things (like, maybe the mail, or phone calls from "locals" who aren't local now because I'm away, or remembering that I still need to do a load of wash or take out the trash or a million other daily home chores--it's all excluded).
WOW! You just perfectly described why I want to go tiny! People are always asking why I want to Go Tiny and I couldn't put my finger on it... But you are SO Right! The simplicity, the cognitive stasis, the sensory boundness, liberation from the fear of missing, overlooking, forgetting or being intruded upon. That's exactly it! I'll just have my one favorite mug to choose from and I love that idea! Also, because I have an AUHD brain, I believe I remember commenting or liking one of your comments on Another video! I'm pretty sure it was Campulance Man... The one where his heater was going out and he was, "talking" to Lefty. Anyway, I hope to run into you when I get on the road soon. 😊
For me, the best case scenario is something that provides quick feedback. I'm perfectly happy making quick (and often bad) decisions if that's the way to get a good pile of data. It's the things that happen at a very low rate that I get stuck on-visiting a doctor, for instance, I can't just schedule 50 appointments and see how many it takes to feel like I'm communicating effectively. In these low rate contexts, strategies based on a 'just do it' principle tend to mean that the time I spend getting it right is wasted but not reduced. And any bad decisions may have long-lasting consequences. That said, I'm auDHD and (perhaps for that reason) don't think I'm all that far toward the perfectionist end of variation-about some things, yes; many others, no.
In my life this type of extreme attention to detail and difficulty accepting anything less than what I recognize as correct or good enough has been, to put it bluntly, a blessing and a curse. It has been a very useful trait, and yet it is one of the biggest obstacles about myself I've faced. And it does not go away. It has led me to mastery of certain skills, but also to have great difficulty being willing to put myself out in the world doing those things. I'm always working to learn ways I can leverage this in more beneficial ways. As always, I greatly appreciate your discussions. Thanks for another very cool video Paul!
This is something I very much resonate with, and I feel like I've MOSTLY refined to acting as more of a strength than a weakness. That is, I don't try to suppress the attention to detail - because it HAS saved projects before and the like - but I've gotten better at figuring out where fixing something matters and where it doesn't...and ignoring the latter, or being able to say: "OK, I've double-checked or triple-checked...there is no need to quaduple-check!"
This sounded like me in all your explanations. It served me well in the jobs I had, now as a retired person it is cumbersome and annoying. I have been feeling it is something I can’t really get rid of. You have me thinking it is something to deal with in a different way. I also never associated it with my drain or tiredness or my executive function too tired to work properly. I am only recently been diagnosed with so my world has all new definitions for my past and present. Also, on a different topic I was wondering if you have ever talked about aphantasia( having a blind mind’s eye) and autism. I have also just found out that applies to me.
What you said in the introduction is exactly as if it were my own words. Looking forward to watch this video and thank you for sharing your experiences.
The way you described memory was new to me, and very interesting and relatable! No wonder I get tired and don't feel like I can trust my brain sometimes. I've saved this video to my list of resources that are helping me understand how my brain works. I've been a perfectionist for as long as I remember (at least since 3rd grade), and I've always done multiple checks on everything ... measurements, spelling, position, expectations, time etc. It is exhausting. In some of my careers (computer programming and primary school teaching) my perfectionism made my workload unsustainable and I ended up with burnout, chronic fatigue syndrome and mental illnesses. I 'retired' from each of those careers after several years. Now I'm an artist trying to let my work be more messy and painterly (my website is harder to be relaxed about). I'm also a writer planning to self-publish so I can control the process and timeline, and I'll be able to edit for as long as I need. I'm proud of myself when I see a spelling mistake in one of my IG stories (which can't be edited) and let it slide.
As soon as you mentioned the perfect sandwich... i felt less 'crazy' about my habits. Trying to figure out the culinary physics is draining, but also satisfying when you find your sweet spot. Recipes, even self-made ones, help me keep tabs on ingredients I have to get out. The only thing that helps me, is making lists of things I need to prepare, even if it's jotting down "bring a hat". It can be just as draining to ponder on the items for these lists, as it is to forget them and have to keep coming back. After a while, these lists stick in my head, and I forget my essentials less. Prepping a few essentials, and keeping things in categories and designated places helps me immensly (I keep my backpack, gloves, hats and scarves all in one place to avoid forgetting them). A lot of us don't want lists hanging around everywhere, but I assure you they're not permanent.
Love this insight/reflection so much! As someone who overcame an increasingly debilitating period of OCD in my early teens, I have learned to embrace a certain chaos factor in my mental patterns. I let the obsessive autistic nature into the driver's seat when I'm working on a specific project, or when writing/editing/rewriting. Much of the rest of the time, however, that voice gets in the back. It gets to play when I need to make a shopping list, or pack for a trip, but for most of the in-between matters, I need less and less effort to push that aside. Listening to your description of your process (in this and other videos) has really helped me form a clearer picture of these internal dynamics. I'm very grateful for you and all you share - thank you.✌
Double, triple checking, mental check lists for each activity. Mind like a steel trap most of the time. It’s rare I forget, rarer still to lose a thing. I have multiple strategies for taking care of business. I stay well oriented to time and place. It matters deeply to me not to be a flake and a fuck up. Other people fuck up, I don’t get to fuck up, I don’t allow it. And that’s all me, no Dad growing up and Mom didn’t drive me like that, I always drove myself. Dad was a Green Beret, I always expected to be at the top of everything I put my mind to. Fiercely competitive, I have gaps in my skill set but the things I CAN do, I do very well. I’m RELENTLESS with myself.
I also get absorbed and worried thinking in future tense. This is also the reason I am a hoarder type that collects things because they just pile up thinking I may need them. Your newspaper typo example is a good example to show the panic we undergo and how important having everything is to us. I think with this example we learn to maybe think outside the box and raise the issue with the correct department to deal with the typo mistake rather than go from one page to the next. In the same way we have to think outside of the box in our everyday life. Useful topic.
Yes! The bit about packing for travel!!! It is so hard to leave home for non-routine experiences. Will I need this? What about that? Freeze, exhaustion. Late. Still have to decide about those things. I'm just a few weeks into exploring autism as self-diagnosis. Among many others, your videos have really helped, Paul. I appreciate you.
Have yet to watch but my response to the title is: I was playing a city builder. I called it relaxton because i was supposed to relax. Well after just increasing the the size in what i thought were interesting neat ways. I learned some more of the mechanics and that i was not taking those into account. Additionally the way buildings interacted with terrain was completely unexpected. All of this caused some visual issues here and there. I am now playing nitpickton. Depending on how this goes nitpickton 2 could be a couple days away. Its small, but looking great so far.
Omg this topic is so true! I don't consider myself a perfectionist in a way, that everything should be ideal. But I just can't stand mistakes. The problem starts when the idea of a "mistake" is different for everyone, especially in daily routine. And communicating this to other people, - here comes problems. I struggled this a lot with my family, now have a more supportive one. Also am slower at work than other developers, but ofc I get less mistakes during testing process. I guess it's a positive trait, but we need to adapt to it and help others accept us as we are like that. I think it can't be changeable that simply.
It is so much a part of me that most of it is fine, while in the process. Spelling mistakes can be reminders of school shame. Not finishing paintings is frustrating because I haven't figured out how to solve the puzzle. I'm learning to be ok with unfinished paintings and good enough art projects. I hardly forget to pack things because I will go through my process until it is complete. If that changes as I get older, then I will write more lists and not hold them in my head.
Oh god as an AuDHD person this speaks to my soul. The constantly noticing tiny little mistakes and then spending HOURS getting every tiny detail right, and also explains the anxiety I feel around my routines or habits, because these have been built up over decades to allow me to function with my brain in this world the way I am expected to, and it is like a well oiled clock, except I mean in the way that it takes incredible precision and detail consistently in order to do a basic functionality like telling the time, and even the tiniest grain of sand could completely disrupt that ecosystem, possibly to devastating consequences...
It’s exhausting, this is me all the time! Typing emails or even messaging I end up redoing over and over, checking the punctuation, grammar and spelling. As for forgetting things and double and triple checking no matter how organised I try to be takes me forever to get anywhere. Now that I’m retired I find it easier to just stay home and not commit to too much at all. 😢
YES! I was told yesterday that i was a perfectionist when I was a child and if it was not perfect I would cry. I still have something like that but it’s more of frustration and rage. I have tried for the past two years to just roll with it but it has been a constant battle. My attention to detail is superb but can cause internal problems and relationship problems.
100% can relate. The best way to cope I’ve found is to follow the wise words and actions of an old mad lad and scream, “LEEEEERROOOYYYY JJJJEEEENNNNKKKIIINNNSSS” when you need to act now. The repercussions to tiny mistakes have never been as bad as failing to take action for me. In all honesty, I’ve found you really don’t much other than yourself and a goal. No hammer and need to hang a picture? Use a soup can to get the nail in the wall. No box cutter? Credit cards will work (be careful though, they will snap sometimes). My $0.02.
totally get it.. & i love the freedom of when I have a backpack... albeit because i know i have likely made a packing list so i sbsolutely have every possible thing i potentially -worse case scenario level- may need.. ALSO these things you mention are exactly why we get misdiagnosed by drs looking at the surface of what is said instead of being investigators,, its soo frustrating i expect them to put clues together to the bigger picture not just say oh thats ocd, or youre a control freak needing to micromanage... its called functional ocd - otherwise known as accept what is so prepare for everything.. then youre ready for anyuthing!
I was diagnosed as High Functioning Autistic, *and* I have worked as the editor of a newspaper. So it's as though this video is my bio! :) And yes, I was a hawk on proofreading and fixing all mistakes before sending it to be printed (in the pre-online era, there was no fixing errors after publishing.)
My perfectionism stems from the need for acceptance. Growing up undiagnosed, I thought I was rejected because I made a mistake. Logically, I thought that if I didn't make a mistake, I wouldn't be rejected.
I’m a 50 y/o female, and got my diagnosis last month. I’m sooooo this way! I’ve also had horrible Supervisors that would scold me on attention to detail. It gave me a form of PTSD about perfecting whatever computer work or paperwork I was having to turn in to them. I still hear their voices and the feelings in my body when I’m doing anything. Hearing someone explain what I’ve been doing allows me to want to be even more gentler with myself.
I can totally relate to the email thing, it takes so long it's exhausting, I have to keep rereading to check even the commas are in the right place (but I absolutely hate using the phone, have done all my life, so I have to email instead of phoning). The travel thing is amazing, I love living out of a small(ish) bag and not having to worry about life things and decisions, as long as I have all transport and accommodation planned out in detail!
This is so accurate it's scary. I am working on things forever because I keep finding things to change/improve. Moments of getting me frustrated with "how didn't I see that before? Omg" are soooo common.
Stress causes our brain to function less effectively. The more stress you're under, the worse it can get. Also, fear just about completely disables our frontal lobe; more so depending of the intensity of the fear. You may be a little stressed while doing the things you've described. Once it is done, the stress is gone enough that you're able to remember. Because each of the things you spoke about can be, and some are, stressful. Personally, for me, I WOULD turn around at ANY point to get my sun protection...lol. ☺
It's been a long time since I've felt so *seen* by a video! Personally, I do not feel that I am a perfectionist, because "good enough" is something I've always had to live with. I never do things up to a point where they are without flaw, only up to a point where they get done on time with as few mistakes as possible. Meeting deadlines is always more important than doing my best possible work lol. What I found interesting in this video is that you highlighted the cognitive overload my usual way of working might cause and the reframing of flaws as simply flaws and not actual mistakes (if that makes sense?). And due to multiple burn outs I've also become aware that my relationship to deadlines is not healthy, either, so I guess it's all part of the process. Edit: Thank you for the video :)
Lowering our expectations is the best way to preserve our sanity. LOL at the spell checking example! I can totally relate. I always think it's the final draft, and again, I find another small mistake!!! Ugh. LOL!!!
I hope the following helps someone, my gf thought me this: simply keep a written log of tasks you need to complete within a project, like in a notepad or Tasks app, and divide it into minimum of 2 categories: 1) things that HAVE to be done 2) things that COULD HAVE to be done for any FUTURE iterations, versions or development (if it EVER comes to that) The biggest help from this system is point no.2, because writing it down physically on the app or paper, eases your mind, and conserves energy of keeping these scenarios and informations in your head in real time. Whatever you feel compelled to do in that moment, just write it out and and then it's easier to focus on what NEEDS to be done.
Yessss it’s so exhausting and takes so long to accomplish something because I perseverante so much on reviewing my work over and over again, not even for mistakes always but also “is this the perfect, most optimal choice of words for that?” and alllllll the way down that rabbit hole! And god forbid I am on a time crunch and I am forced to wrap up before I’ve had enough time to obsess over it for an absurd about of time, then it’s anxiety city! 😅 Ugh!
I identify so much with all of this, to the point it has actually had a negative impact on my life. In some small ways but also in some big ways. I'm always forgetting things I need to do, like call to make a doctor's appointment, only to remember at the most inopportune time. But by the time I can do the thing. I've forgotten again. It's a vicious cycle. The perfectionism has caused significant damage too. In school I was always turning assignments in late because turning something in that was perfect and complete was more important to me than turning it in on time. The result is that I would get an F because usually turning in an assignment late meant a 50% reduction in grade, but then my teacher would tell me that it's A+ quality work, if only I'd turned it in on time. They would also tell me that they aren't looking for perfection, and if I had turned the assignment in imperfect but on time, it probably still would have been an A+, or at the very least, better than an F. If it wasn't obvious, I didn't graduate, despite being a gifted student. Now it's hindering me at work too. We are expected to meet a certain number of calls per hour, and I'm consistently unable to meet that expectation because I'm so focused on handling and documenting calls exactly the way I was trained to, when they don't seem to actually care as much as I do about doing exactly by the book. I'm only a contractor at my job, but the opportunity is there to be hired on as a full-time associate. I even got an interview the last time they were hiring, but they made it clear that while excellent tickets and resolution rate are great, it's just not economical if the call per hour isn't meeting expectations. Since I have this mental hang up that I just can't seem to get over, it feels like I'll never get hired on, which means no benefits, no raises, no chance to move up, etc.
Yeah! Perfect example of this phenomenon would be. I'm working on my solo video game RPG souls like and right now I've been basically working on the camera system for 2 and 1/2 years but I do have to say it's finally as close as it can be to what I needed.
I’m also a perfectionist but have more recently been developing tolerances to overcome its unrealistic expectations so I can still complete something if it’s good enough by the set requirements but is not quite perfect! :)
I can relate to this. Another factor for me, with remembering/forgetting, is unconscious, prioritisation: initially getting into the car, I focus on key things:, passport, keys, credit card etc, as I drive off the more trivial items: sunglasses, sunhat, swimming costume, etc come to mind. All things I can buy on holiday if necessary. The major, blocks out the minor, at the start.
I feel like I'm in this video - though at least some of my double and triple checking is to make sure I got letters in the right order, because I'm also dyslexic - so unless I'm riled up, I tend to proofread everything I write. But yes, this resonates a lot with me - or I'll get up to go do a thing, then completely forget what I was going to do, because I'm also ADHD - so it will be seeing something else I need to do, doing it, going back to my desk, then realizing I still hadn't done the initial thing.
Just watching this video during cooking and hilarious that was in fact what I have been doing! Going up and down the stairs several times because i had forgotten ingredients! I tell myself its great to get extra steps in and its healthier for me 😅 I have learnt to become comfortable with the discomfort of 'mistakes'. I have to tell myself to let things go as its not just that important in the grand scheme of things.
Great timing for a video. I’m still picking up on minor typos in a paper even after it’s been published. Time to let it go, it’s 100% done now. Thanks.
I think that video has a lot of autistic qualities in it. It also helped me finally understand some autistic traits. I knew that it is an autistic trait to form routines and to think different but I never really could put my finger on this. This video cleared this up for me. First of all, thinking about the stages of forgetfulness is hilarious. It's this kind of being funny without intending to be funny. I have this so often. Because to you this is 100% a serious thought. No jokes involved. But to other people it's just a weird way to think about something. I get this so often that people tell me they thought something I said was funny to them because they would never in a million years think about it in that way. It's like using hats on a dog. dogs do not need a hat, the hat wasn't made for them. While for you it's completely logical that a head needs a hat and a dog has a hat, therefore a dog needs a hat. For everyone else it's just hilarious that you just put a hat on a dog. I think overall I think a lot about processes and when they end and how I can make them easier for me. The traveling analogy with the packing the bag finally drove that idea home for me that you try to come up with systems that help you not having to think things through over and over again. It's the same way of thinking about if dogs needs hats or not. Your brain overly complicates life because it just looks a little too close at something or it just has a different set of information that it tries to make sense with. And then you end up in a weird pattern of thinking and interacting with life. (weird for others, not for you). And it is like, no wonder you cannot navigate life the same way other people do, because the same way they never would put a hat on a dog, you can't see a world in which you wouldn't at least consider that option. And this probably touches a lot on executive functioning. Because to the outside it just looks like you cannot get a task done. And sometimes your really can't get it done. I sometimes think perfectionism is just a way of describing someone who can't finish a task. For me it is actually better to rebrand "perfectionism" as "not being able to finish a task". Because often times I don't even want to make it better or more correct. I just need more information, more data, more iterations. I don't feel the need to perfect it, I just feel that its not done yet. Perfectionism has a lot to do with external standards. And often times I don't even want to compete in that game. And still I have a hard time finishing tasks. Also I think this whole process overthinking and finishing tasks is where AuDHD really shows up and complicates it even further. Because apart from working on a task for too long you now also have to fight with your train of thought running amok and with motivating yourself.
Man, I´m soooo glad that actually my new neurologist who I thought until now would only be able to prescribe me Ritalin based on my late diagnosis, now after 4 months and a couple of conversations just asked, have you ever considered autism for yourself?? And I managed to not fall off my chair or cry but answered, yeees, after my ADHD diagnosis and when I started reading about neurodiversity for the first time I sat there thinking, oh god, oh god, I know SO many of all these things so well and I actually thought about autism more than only once!!! I´m so glad you asked. 🙈🙈 I tried not to overdo research because of course!! there were doubts and NOONE ever noticed it in me. But I become more and more aware how much impact certain negative factors had on this, like much social isolation due to a toxic family where not having any conversations with me and/or abusive behavior was the standard while noone from the outside noticed anything. Or like my own anxiety and keeping my head down also with other people until I tried deliberately to make contact more, build friendships etc and things went wrong, which finally showed me again and again, there is something wrong and somehow I can´t believe less and less that this is only based on lack of experience or the underlying fear to get hurt again. I mean yes, it´s not hard to imagine how being in a constant alert state makes thinking clearly and making decisions much more difficult. But it shouldn´t be such a negative factor when you´re trying to build routines that would reduce instablility. It´s like constantly fighting an invisible additional ghost. I had a plan for preparing the short hospital visit yesterday... and then I remembered three times or so things I had forgotten, did them, thought, now I´m ready only to remember sth else etc In the end I underestimated the time I´d need to walk to the bus stop and almost missed it.
I have a great attention to detail at most points when it's necessary, and quite strongly observant at times, especially with my work and sometimes when it's something health and safety wise and I correct it by either picking it up or just move it out of the way etc.
I often spend ages editing a comment (like this one) to make sure it is right before posting it, though I've only checked and corrected this one about ten times.
It's perfect!
Yep! It must be spelled right with no grammatical errors. It has to be straight to the point and short but include ALL the info that "needs" to be shared. Did I edit this comment as I typed it? Yes, yes I did 😂😝🤷🏼♀️
I am Dutch, so English is not my native language. Therefore I use the automatic dictionary in WhatsApp. Problem is that when I type something correctly in Dutch, the automatic dictionary spell checker corrects it in an English word.
Several times I saw I did sent an email with a spelling error because of this. I felt so ashamed by that, but indeed I never did receive a negative response on my typo's.
It's so good to read that I'm not the only one suffering with the check, dubbel check and mistimed memory.
I'm a perfectionist to the point that I can't get anything done, at least never on time. I don't even want to start unless it will be just right. 😢
You can do it.
Me too! for the past 30 years!
Yup! You should choose a job like programming, where you can publish the next version,which will fix all the bugs and even code style of the previous one! Big relief!
@dd-jv8kq that's what my husband does, he is also a perfectionist. I'm an artist, so I am a masochist apparently, too 😂
@@sbccmichaelkelly thank you ❤
I cannot believe how spot on this gentleman is at describing my life experiences. Particularly the section on perfectionism. I always found this to be a good trait in myself. I did not realise, until late in life, that NT people do not like this trait. They do not like attention to be drawn to their mistakes. Whereas I like to be told when I have made a mistake so I can correct it and learn from it.
Perfectionism is a horrible trait if you take it too far. I had to quit college because I couldn't turn papers in on time.
@@Catlily5it sounds like you and the OP approach perfectionism from completely different perspectives, with you seeing imperfections as failures and OP seeing imperfections as growth opportunities. Thank you for sharing this because it helped me realize why I disagree with a comment on another thread about perfectionism being a sign of anxiety and having been criticized by adults as a child - I don’t find that to be the case at all, and I’m curious if you do, because I find it interesting that psychologists think a single human trait can be used to both diagnose anxiety and explain why they developed anxiety in the first place.
@@username00009 My guess is that a certain level of perfectionism is helpful. Too much perfectionism is very detrimental.
@@username00009 I was criticized a lot by my mother as a child. It was impossible to please her. So it is quite possible that this influenced my perfectionism. Certainly anxiety can trigger more perfectionism in me. And perfectionism causes me tons of anxiety. It is a vicious circle.
I think it is possible that different people have different reasons for their perfectionism, though.
Yeah, this man is so relatable about my struggles and, as I see, yours too
I also proofread my emails 100 times before sending. I've tried to train myself not to do that, but it made me feel miserable. So, now I've reframed it - I no longer think of it as a useless time-waster, but as something that makes me happy.
Yep, 100% me.
This resonates loud and clear with me, but it also helps me to think better of myself. I always feel so judgemental when I find the mistakes and errors of others, but it is not that, just how my brain works.
Be more self aware. I had to "correct" you.😅😅😅
(I say "correct" because I am assuming what you are conveying.
Also, learning that my way, regarding others isn't "right". There is no right or wrong when it comes to social communication or someone expressing themselves.
This thinking is based on black and white thinking and no in between.
2500% perfectionist here. I'm a musician. After I've finished writing the score of a symphony or a concerto, and before sending it out to the publishers', I know it's exclusively me and no one else to double, triple, quadruple, quintuple (and so on) check my product. NO FLAWS ALLOWED, because no else is able to correct my work the way I intended it to represent the music coming out of my soul and brain. The same goes for languages. I'm a Spanish native speaker (which is obviously fully controlled linguistically by my brain). When writing or communicating in my non-native languages, like English, German, French, Portuguese, Italian, etc., I ALWAYS multiple-check my spelling, the grammar, the nuances, the diacritics, the accents, the inflections, etc. I know it sounds WAAY obssessive, but I think it's long been fuelled by the fact I was born and raised many years ago in a Latin American "cultural realm" where no one seems to give a damn about "correctness" and "accuracy"; where everything you do is allowed to be "naturally and beautifully imperfect", and just to be left alone "as is". As the autistic grown-up I am, I certainly rebel against that. Not tiresome or energy-consuming for me, I'm capable of doing it; it's just an honest expression of my true autistic self.
Hi musician! I am an artist too. Making miniatures and figurines, and the mediculousity correctness and accuracy in my work is the only way to show other people my exuberant and overwhelming imagination. I guess a similar process is necessary for creating music. I feel fine this way. (doing my stuff by hearing music 😉)
This is such a perfect description of the executive functioning problems. No wonder it is sometimes easier to avoid doing it at all, instead of taking the risk of doing something with uncontrollable imperfections that could potentially have all sorts of unpleasant consequences.
Exactly! I’m autistic but I also have severe adhd and I’m definitely having to go back up the stairs to get the car keys even after I get to the car and then I do that a few more times with my chapstick and water bottle ugh so exhausting
@@caitlinwhatthefrick2361 I learned to always keep chapstick in my jacket pocket - as I'd need it whenever I would need the jacket. Another strategy that I used for a long time, was to keep a little zippered "change purse" sized zipped bag with my wallet & keys, and I'd keep chapstick, nail clippers, toothpicks, etc. or anything that I used frequently/needed often. I'd then always have that little bag in my pocket whenever I put my wallet in my pocket. I've also distributed stashes of nail clippers (I have the cuticle picking things and need them often), tissues, water bottles, etc. in the car, my desk(s), end table by the TV, etc. so I don't have to go looking for them as they're always where I am/need them. Nail clippers and tissues, etc. are cheap, so I'd just buy many of them & put them within arms reach of where I might need them, so I didn't have to remember where they were.
`yes.. thats what i was going to say.. i have bags.. !! and.... i have many often with me each time in many places.. because of the logical conclusion i waste soooo much time and stress forgetting looking for stuff.... the frustration still continues... looking in the bags.. thinking i have forgotten something go all the way back in house etc only to find they were back in the car in my bag i just didnt look totally thoroughly in a hurry.. even though sometimes i empty bags out in frustration... guaranteed.. i always have numerous pens, nail cutters, hankerchgiefs, deodorants, sensory stimm scents.. moisturisers to help reduce picking... paper in case i have thoughts i need to not forget or because need to distract /disguise a social awkwardness@@EarthLovingFrequency
@@EarthLovingFrequency great idea! Yeah I have a mini backpack as my purse so it’s perfect for keeping many things like snacks, 5 chapsticks (lol), bandaids, a pen, notepad, etc. Great idea about putting tissues etc. in your car and desks!
This explains perfectly my issue with my current job as programmer and why it feels like I take way more time to finish a task than others. I'm just unable to accept my changes until there's literally not a single error that I can find any part of the code I've touched. I also have hard time controlling myself and not start fixing errors that I've also just seen, but do not relate to my current task.
I'm a craftsperson. I pay attention to details, but nothing I make is ever perfect. I've had to accept that. When my daughter was little, I learned the concept of "good enough" from her. She was making a clay candle holder for her grandma for Christmas. After a while she said, "It's good enough." She was finished. I try to fix most mistakes, but eventually I just have to say, "It's good enough." Quilters have a saying, "Finished is better than perfect."
I find it helps me to have a general expectation for what's "good enough." That's something I've hopefully thought about before asking whether a particular thing is good enough. Trying to decide "how good is good enough" in the heat of the moment is a lot harder.
however this backfires when people you work with know your capacity. Then the saying transforms from "it's good enough" into "it is not good enough, coming from you". Remember how Jesus said 'to whom is given many, many shall be expected from' or something along those lines. Or that Myamoto (Nintendo) saying about a good but delayed and bad but on time game - "A delayed game is eventually good, a rushed game is bad forever".
I've been called perfectionist many times at work. I'm writing software, writing and rewriting, and then returning in a few months and rewriting again. I rerun in my head lots of scenarios how the things may go wrong and fixing them before I'm satisfied with the results. The good thing is my code works for years with no bugs filed against it.
Some people annoy me coming with a task and saying it's easy to do without thinking even a little bit about how to implement it right or about lots of corner cases. I always come with "what if" cases and they think I just don't want to commit to schedule and bargaining for more time. Some managers just openly say they want "quick and dirty", and I can't write "dirty code" nor I think it would be quick anyway.
The worst time is when I'm required to review other people's code, and I'm finding issues after issues. People write wrong and sloppy code all the time, but I can't really do the reviewing because no matter how many times they fix their code they never do it right and they end up hating me. So if I can't weasel out of reviewing other people's code, I just skip the whole process and approve everything.
@@ElementaryWatson-123 I can relate
@@ElementaryWatson-123 , If ever there's soething to be a perfectionist about, it's probably computer code. I remember way back in the 80s when I was trying to teach people how to use desktop computers, they had a hard time understanding that a semicolon and a colon weren't interchangeable to the computer. Computers don't "make allowances."
I think it might be why I am slow at some things. It has a negative impact on my grades (I answer half of the questions in an exam perfectly and lack the time to answer the other half) and on my hobbies too (it takes me forever to make a decision in a strategy game, so for example I never got close to finishing a game of Civilization)
@Autism from the inside, I will get round to emailing you soon. But about this video, I was highly amused, not only because I've been there but also have spent a lifetime developing strategies to avoid what you described. Having trained as a teaching assistant for dyslexic adults, I also recognise that almost everything you mentioned can be avoided by taking time to plan, and giving thought to what you want to achieve - before starting to act. The desire to save time and effort is an ADHD trait I think, exacerbated by the forgetfulness you describe which is a trait that goes along with the spelling mistake thing, where your brain is racing ahead of where you are with actually scribing the thought you want to share. The fastest way to check for SPELLING mistakes, after you know you've ordered the text to communicate the 'message' accurately, is to start at the END, and read each word as a standalone code. That way your brain does not skip over words when reading forwards, that might be misspelled, because when reading forwards you are subconsciously checking for meaning (which should have already been achieved), wasting brain space and mental energy that should be focused on checking spelling only..
I completely agree about packing but I start with everything possible out and in view, then work out what I cannot take, don't need after all, or choose to do without because it's the least important to include. Lists. INDISPENSIBLE!
Now that you have pointed it out I will most likely notice more often when I go back and re-arrange things.
From E-Mails, to cleaning my home, to making plans- I feel like I am constantly re-arranging all areas of my life to get them „just right“. And it costs a lot of energy and time.
One reason why I hate spontaneity is because I will have to re-arrange my whole week-plan. I spend so many hours a week just planning and going over things over and over again.
Hopefully I will do it less often, now that I’ll notice it more. Or maybe I can’t help it, we will see.
Over the years it has been easier to let go the need to redo something, but I still can see what could have been done better. I choose not to redress the issue. The funny thing is I see all the mistakes. I just don't have the energy to redo. And you are right, most people are oblivious.
😮
Well... I'm a knitter. Last year I made myself a coat. Didn't like the front so I undid it and knitted again. Now working on the third version of that front... Still not satisfied but it will do until I can't stand it anymore and frog it again to make a 4th version😅
Absolutely true! I observed that non- autistic people are generally happy with 60-80% done ('better done than perfect'), whereas autistic people like to reach as close to 100% as possible.
Also with understanding- autistic people have the need to understand everything that is communicated, whereas NT's think they understand it all, even if they only understand 60% of what was communicated.
People do say I pay attention to detail, though I still wouldn’t say I am a perfectionist. Still sometimes I try to do everything the same way, even if it is not perfect.
Same here. Far from perfectionist, but adore structure & repeating how I do stuff.
Oh, that *really* resonated, especially with how I approach writing. My biggest issue is that my mental idea of "better" is "includes more information and/or gives me more satisfaction that I've said what's on my mind" so the more I edit, the longer and longer the text gets. Even when I *know* that longer isn't better and edit with the intent of cutting and making it shorter, I still somehow end up making it longer instead. Whether it's an email or a youtube comment, my writing has a tendency to get completely out of hand in terms of length. Sometimes I need character limits to rein me in.
You said you like verbal communication because you can't go back and edit... Well, this is only half true. You can't go back, but you can edit by saying the same thing over again, but slightly differently/from a different angle. You'll just annoy your conversation partner by over-explaining. But my little sister and I both do this at times. 😅
I've been making a concerted effort over time to let things go and stop coming back to make corrections, because otherwise it could go on indefinitely. I'm getting better at declaring things "good enough" and not making a fuss, for example, if I sent something with a typo in it. It is definitely a challenge, though.
This is me 100%. Like when it comes to traveling, I am so afraid of that last-minute forgetting, especially when it comes to the most critical documents that can destroy your trip if you forget them, that to forestall any such possibility I start packing, checking, re-checking, isolating and prominently placing the most vital items where they cannot be forgotten, days or a week ahead. This brings me that reassurance that, as you put it, my "one shot" at getting this right is thoroughly taken care of, it won't go wrong. By the way, I long decided I'm absolutely NOT going to do that completely unnecessary and herd-like physical "phone" gesture when I mention phoning somebody.
I started keeping checklists on my phone. I forgot my passport once for a trip and I still haven't forgiven myself for it😅
This describes my entire life, people have always urged me to fix it, but it genuinely feels impossible because it feels like I’ve been hardwired to be like this from the very start.
I used to be in a 3D modeling class and whenever we were gonna start a new project I always felt a sense of dread of all the time it was gonna take for me to get it done because of my perfectionism. I would even desperately ask my teacher to instruct me on the best workflow for my assignment because there are so many ways to unknowingly make catastrophic mistakes in 3D software, so I needed to make sure I started out correctly. To him it didn’t seem like a big deal, but for me it was a critical moment. When I make a mistake, it takes me forever to correct it, and then it becomes even worse when you notice a chain of mistakes, making the process 10x more time consuming.
I’ve always wondered why it took me 4 hours to do something that someone could do in 15 to 30 mins, it’s demoralizing.
I can relate to everything you said! Especially the preference for talking to people on the phone instead of emails or texts so that I can just get it over with and not revisit it over and over. Also, I like to travel and although the initial packing is agonizing, it’s so much fun to go places and not have to make decisions every day about what to bring…
However, when I travel, I do find myself making lists of the things I forgot so I can bring them next time.
Just when I think maybe I am not on the spectrum, after all, I watch one of your videos, and everything resonates 100%!
I have a travel list on the computer. I print it out before every trip. I rarely forget things now.
Funnily enough, I find the opposite. Perhaps because of my ADHD but I prefer text or email because then there is no ambiguity and there is a record. I can make sure that I use the exact word with the exact meaning I meant, and can remove any ambiguity. Not to mention with my memory, being able to go back and see exactly what I/they said, even 10 seconds later is a life saver.
Exactly! There's no editing in conversation which leads to awful rumination
Lol. Your description of the "double checking" process is so true. Even when commenting on TH-cam, I will proofread every comment for spelling, punctuation, and grammatical mistakes before I post it. After posting, I will read it again to ensure that I didn't make any mistakes. I will usually find myself correcting it multiple times. Leaving a typo in something I have written would literally make my head explode.
Two strategies that help with the "mismatched memory" issue. One: I've developed systems that avoid or don't require the use of memory: like, always putting my wallet, keys, etc. that I need every time I go out in the exact same spot so that they will all go in my pocket, etc together; I use the same strategy for scissors, etc. (this can seem like OCD because the habit can seem like "compulsion" but it's really panic, knowing that I'd spend my entire life looking for wallet, keys, scissors, etc. if I didn't have this strong habit of "everything has a place and is always put in it" for important stuff). Similarly, I pack the passport first; and when I was traveling a lot, I kept a bag packed with everything I needed: toiletries, pajamas, slippers, coffee & way to make it, etc. and only had to add whatever clothing I needed for however long I'd be gone. That way my memory and executive function would be taxed the least (or something like "think/remember once, read many" to maximize the reach/effectiveness what executive function I managed to muster). I remember being terrified in Middle School when I was suddenly responsible for remembering my own homework assignments. It was horrifically hard. I learned to leave large notes in front of my bedroom door so I'd have to move them to leave my room. I also learned the strict habit (still have to sometimes remind myself to this day - 5 decades later) of "do it NOW while you are thinking about it". That's similar to the advice I once read for executives: "one touch" decision making - do whatever needs doing while you are reading the letter/email/whatever the first time & get it off your mind. I've had older partners who complained about their CRS ("can't remember sh*t") as they aged & was surprised and a bit frustrated, as I've had to develop systems and habits for my "CRS" since I was, like 10. I'm thinking of offering a class for local seniors on "strategies for dealing with CRS" LOL
Two: Recently (in the past couple years) I've also begun to notice that I often have a particular, niggling little feeling/sensation that, I've learned, means I'm forgetting something. I'm learning to develop the habit for checking if I'm having this feeling before I commit to going out. When I learned about the method called Internal Family Systems (quite powerful and awesome, and you can learn it free/cheap -- there's a series of meditations on the free app Insight Timer, for example, by the founder/inventor - worth checking out), I decided that this feeling means that some "Part" of me does remember, it's just not getting "air time" or able to fully enter my consciousness. What I noticed, over time, is that when I ignore this rather subtle feeling, I invariably find I've forgotten something. What I do now is to at least semi-consciously check in to see if I'm having that feeling before I leave the house and, if I do, to turn around and/or follow where ever it feels like I should go. Usually, I go back to my office/bedroom and every time I see something that's like "Oh! I'm glad I didn't forget that!". Recently, as I was headed to the car I even thought "the cat's out & it's raining, but oh well, I guess she'll come in when I'm back". As I was about to open the front door I had that feeling. I mentally went over everything I could have forgotten but really couldn't think of anything (wallet -- check; keys - check; shopping list - etc.) but, as I'm learning better, I followed the feeling anyway, and went back to my room expecting to find something glaring sitting out that I'd forgotten. Instead, I found the cat at the sliding door, wanting to come in out of the rain! So, I don't know if it will work for everyone, but it's really helping me to try to pay attention, even to small niggling feelings, and see if there's some "Part" of me that *is* tracking what's hard for me to track and, somehow, does "know" what I'm forgetting. Given that the model in IFS is that our Parts are younger, "inner child" kind of neural-associations or networks, I always try to appreciate and thank whatever "Part" of me is able to and is looking out for me/the whole of us. Works for me, so far!
You're not alone in this. I struggle with the iterative nature of my brain. It has a lot to do with perfectionism so much as it is about function. I find that a lot of autistic individuals have a keen sense of what works and what doesn't. Your goal is to communicate clearly, and you find the mistakes ingratiating. I have PDA issues due to the fear of making a mistake. It gets to the point where I can't do anything due to being afraid of making an error or my research/knowledge not being good enough. I think where this comes from in my life is being told all of my life that I'm a failure and feeling like I can never meet expectations. So I end up trying really hard. I actually learned that communication mediums (like Discord) that allow editing have helped me tons. If I feel it is needed, I can go back and edit something to be more clear about what I mean based on the feedback of peers. Interaction is what helps to curb this behavior. It is incredibly difficult though to find peers who understand this and can help guide me in my efforts to communicate. I agree 100% that it is tiring, and often I get burned out. Thanks for sharing. It is nice to know that I'm not alone.
Boy oh boy, do I relate! Though I will say, I used to have a problem with editing my oral communication as well. I would often call people back after a conversation just to clear up something I had said that could've been taken the wrong way -- or just taken any way other than what I intended. I had to close off as many avenues of interpretation as possible so that there was no possibility of misinterpretation, no matter how slight or inconsequential. I have been called pedantic in the past because of this self-editing and obsession with being precise. I'm glad I've learned to dial it back . . . because it is exhausting.
I don't know if I'm autistic or not, but I am SO much of a perfectionist! It feels like you're describing my life! From the memory tics you describe to the impossibility of choosing JUST 150 of 200 mistakes, it's me!
As for the newspaper mistakes, I would just consider this column (with 3 mistakes in it) being a single mistake, and this little story (with 5 mistakes in it) as being a single mistake, as well. Hey, you didn't say I couldn't find a workaround! 😂
One thing about it is that I'm good at being a proofreader for friends - when I know they can DEAL with the criticism that pointing out misspellings, grammar mistakes, getting homonyms mixed up, and the like truly feels like. If they can't deal with that, I stop helping and walk away. 😂
I really DO feel the need to send a correction for a messed up SMS (or Messenger, or other DM), because if I don't, the error will sit there and mock me until I do. 😂 And double-checking and triple-checking (or quadruple- or quintuple-checking) things is just a way of life for me.
Wish I DID have workarounds, because I have probably a dozen at a time projects floating around waiting for me to get back to them because I'm afraid of wrecking the next step.
Like I said, I've no clue if I am on any of the spectrum or not, but OMFG, this video seems like it's ABOUT ME! 😮 It's quite amazing, really
I forget things could constantly. I'm always checking and rechecking what I think I'm going to miss, just to miss something else. I have a shoe organizer on my dining room door for this reason. But, yet I still forget things. But, I agree with this video 110%. I haven't been diagnosed with autism or ADHD yet but, these videos just keep confirming what I suspect. Thank you for making this!
I can deginitely relate to this. I only recently realised I automatically tripple-check all my emails after so many past errors. A helpful strategy I have is keeping & re-using lists. I have a book of lists for packing for specific events/situations (camping, hotels, abroad, family), and a saved festival packing list.
Allistic ADHD perspective, but I can somewhat relate because this reminds me of last year Thanksgiving (in the US). I had cooked a whole bunch of things I was meant to bring to my parents' place an hour and half drive away, and thought I had gotten all the dishes in my car. 5 minutes into the drive I realized I forgot the turkey, drove back. On my way again, 5 minutes into the drive, I remembered I forgot the salad, drove back to my house.
THIS HAPPENED TO ME 4 TIMES IN A ROW! i was two hours late to Thanksgiving 😅 but i brought the most food of everyone in my family!
I only recently started to consider I have ASD. I was still having doubts until I heard you describe the exact process my mind goes through to send an email 😂
My partner once described this trait in me as "you always have to make the best choice" when I'd asked them to help me with some basic task (probably a text message or something) where it was ambiguous whether or not a choice was better than the other, I just couldn't let it go and had to analyze the situation for ages. In the end, yeah, they just helped me come to the understanding that it really wouldn't matter one way or the other and let's just do it like this.
(They didn't say it judgementally, just more in like a, they've come to understand how I work and that's why this situation is difficult for me, kind of way)
But yeah, this is such a common theme in my life, I heavily debate like everything I do to make sure it's the best choice but it just takes a really long time and quite a lot of energy, so :'D
Though the worst thing about this trait is seeing other people making mistakes or not doing things to a standard I'd hold to myself. It's just like I've learnt that most of the time if I were to say that to the other person, they'd hate me, so I just have to die inside. It's so unclear and difficult to know when I actually should let other people know they should've done something better or not, so I just default to not saying it even when I probably should.
So relatable!
I'm autistic but not exceedingly perfectionist - well in a different way. I suspect my mum is also autistic and she very much is, sees the "opportunity for improvement" as you say. The issue is it can come across as super critical when she's spotting mistakes, imperfections, stains, a better way, etc, and points them out systematically. If it's for her stuff that's ok, but when it's others', you feel you're never good enough, it'll never be right. I once offered her something I'd made for her. The next day she showed me one that was done better, to show me.
Helpful to get your perspective.
Not fun having a mom like that. I know. Nothing was good enough for her. Except art. Sometimes she liked my art.
Omg yes, I am a bookkeeper, and that drives me insane. I am good with processing taxes because I am just following the directions set by the IRS. The bookkeeping is all me, and I can't charge my clients all of the hours because it's me fault. Now that I am finally on ADHD meds, I have gotten better. I have messed up reports because I overthink, overwork a simple report, or categorize the items.
Waxing philosophical.....'Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack, a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.' - Leonard Cohen...... Helps me forgive imperfection in everything except packing for a trip. I'm a 'bring the kitchen sink' kind of person. Obsessive. Always. Driving myself crazy until I'm in the car. Maybe even then. But if I'm painting a picture, obsessing kills it every time. Whereas allowing imperfection/intuition sometimes MAKES a picture. That took years to learn.
You just described my editing process, on my videos to a "T." You really have a way of making me think about things in a way I never thought of before. I am a perfectionist. My hobby is editing and creating videos and I constantly go back and change things, up to even my thumbnail after published. I think to myself "I must be crazy to do all this!" But you explain it very well. I always obsessively check my purse to make sure my keys are there and everything else I need for the day before I leave the house. It's exhausting. And I really like the part when you say in a social situation, we can't have do overs. *Sigh. That is so true. I can control the things I do in my environment, but not the other type of things that cause me so much social anxiety. Thank you for this video.
'Just do your best'
People at work always repeat this to me and my brain goes 😵💫
I can't do my best, there's no time for that. Is everyone else doing their best already? They seem to constantly screw up and have no idea what's going on, is that what's expected from me? Are they doing it on purpose to keep expectations low so they can slack off or is this them trying their best and failing? What am I missing here, how do they all just... get it? it's like they had a meeting and all agreed on... something, but I wasn't there.
I think this video has solved a career-long problem I've had at work, as well as in my personal life. The 'there's always a bigger fish' principle: 'there's always a higher gear' for autistic people. I've exhausted myself checking and rechecking hundred-page reports again and again and again and always finding something to 'fix'. To avoid this, I've occasionally procured a non-autistic colleague who I trust to set an appropriate standard for the work in question, to be the gatekeeper for my work. They tell me when it's done, and take it away from me, and then I can relax. I've only ever done that on really important pieces of work, but now I think I'm going to ask for that as much as humanly possible!
This is why comments that are supposed to be encouraging like “just do your best” are actually so intimidating or overwhelming for me! Cause every time I notice even the smallest mistakes, especially in homework, I think “well if I don’t fix it it’s not my best, because I know this is a problem/mistake and I know exactly how to fix it (or know how to figure out how to fix it)”. AND THEN I DO THAT ENDLESSLY and never turn in the homework 🤦🏻♀️
This is an autism/neurodivergent thing??
The way you described your experience writing emails is my exact experience..
And remembering things at the wrong time.. That's not an everybody thing either?
I've been diving into autism videos and such all week, thinking like I might be on the spectrum and I keep finding things like this that just resonate so much. Thanks for doing what you're doing!
Some of it could be an ADHD thing as well.
Thinking the exact same thing. But I'm more and more sure about me beeing on the spectrum.... I'm on medicine for anxiety and I'm starting to understand where this constant anxiety comes from.
No, not a perfectionist, but I do hold myself to higher standards and seek self-improvement in myself and others.
But I have to acknowledge that flaw and mistakes are always inevitable
It took me getting severely ill and housebound with CFS and fibromyalgia, as a single mom, and having to give up my business to get me to be ok with not habi g to do it perfectly. I couldn't, and it caused me soon much stress.
Sometimes it can take several hours for me to compose an email because I keep going back and changing things until it sounds perfect enough to me to send. I do genealogy and have broken down a number of brick walls because I notice details about things that can lead to finding people and situations that hadn't been found before. Once on a job evaluation I was told that I was too much of a perfectionist and that it affected my productivity in a negative way. I could go on and on.
It was in retail, which I no longer do. If they couldn't appreciate me ..... I now work as the In-house Substitute Teacher in my local School District Preschool. I love doing that. It's not really that demanding and since I don't have grandchildren of my own I now have a whole building full of grandchildren.
I am sooooo happy to hear all of this! Almost everything in this video is part of a big challenge my partner & I are having. Discovering that others do this too helps my confidence soooo much!
It happens to me at work constantly, I notice the stuff no one else does that will eventually cause us all issues later on and double our workload.
But primarily it happens with art a lot I noticed. I’ll go super into heavy detailing and making sure everything looks right.
Only for most people to not notice those details ever. 🤷♂️ oh well, I did.
This is why I love your channel. You continuously surprise and educate me on how so many of my life struggles are indeed a direct result of my autism. This is yet again another video describing me to a T. I literally spend hours sometimes composing, proof reading , editing, sending, re-proofreading, pulling it back and re-editing, and on and on it goes for a Facebook comment, an email, or even a TH-cam comment, trying to perfect things to my satisfaction.
BTW, I recently I watched your video related to eating the same meals regularly and loved it!
I heard you mention something like this last year about eating the same meals, so since then I have adopted that same way of eating and am realizing that it is really helpful rather than what I thought before, which was that it wasn't healthy.
What I love about it is the emphasis on the ritual of eating, taking time out to have that security of knowing exactly what to expect and what will be enjoyed.
I think having those daily rituals really helps calm the complexity of the mind that is high definition and always on. Really helps to give it a break.
I experienced this when I started writing on Word. I fixed writing mistakes over and over again, and everytime I thought "I won't fix it anymore." But I kept going back and finding more mistakes to fix. In doing so, I don't make progress, I get tired of working on the project, and stop writing. It's very efficient.
This video is enlightening! I am considering the possibility of being or the spectrum, so I'm gathering as much info as I can to make sure I get this right. I am watching a lot of content and pondering if I relate to the experience.
I just lost a wonderful, honorable, intelligent, and down-to-Earth Woman and Friend after 29 years of marriage. She, a neuro-typical go-getter, was so good at beginning, middle, and ending projects that she labored and earned her way through a Bachelors, a Masters, and a PhD. I, by comparison, began three scripts but never finished one due to 'one more added detail,' 'another good idea to add', and 'oh, I keep finding flaws - let me in there to tweak and correct and polish some more.' She kept seeing a wheel-spinner and felt like a caregiver, carrying me. I lost her trust. If I AM truly Autistic, I didn't know/didn't know that with which I was dealing. Her parents were not starters w/o becoming finishers, so, compared to them I might've looked like I didn't really want to be published. Sigh ... now I have some good perspective. Lonesomeness isn't so bad after all. Companionship ain't everything. If I've misspelled anything in this here post-reply, I guess I will leave the damn errors as they are. Life is good. It's time to finish a work for me, for life, for God, and for my maybe myriad sweet readers, actors, and film-goers. Siiiigh!
i get the whole "constantly seeing areas for improvement", for me it started from a space of a growth based mindset, but over time it's turned into almost perfectionism. I rarely, if ever, see myself as, or work I've done as good enough, I always find the mistakes. This kind of extends to (or is related to) an attitude(?) of always expecting something to go wrong, e.g If I buy something new I'm expecting from the get go that some minor damage will happen to the product.
Back to criticism of myself and work/activity performance, this over time has led to a pattern of avoidance, which is something I am now having to do a lot of work to undo that pattern of thought and actions (or inaction)
This is totally what I want through when I was finishing my book, Rainbow Food Rocks, written for helping people with ASD via food. 🌈😊🙏🙌👍💚
*went through. See!! Did it again!!
Remembering at the wrong time is the only time I remember things. This is why my steps are so high even if I don't leave the house.
Being so detail-oriented is what got me many of my jobs, including the merchandising business I had.
I read the book "The Checklist Manifesto" so now I make copious checklists on my phone. My brain gets overloaded often so externalizing thoughts helps to reduce my cognitive load and to reduce my error rate.
Yes! As someone who lives most of his life as a "foreigner" in international contexts, I find the "cocoon" experience of carrying my "home," or all the "home" that's available to me at the moment, i.e., what I've chosen to pack (and not to pack) to be immensely liberating. Both the completeness of my little home--my little "island home"--located, in a sense, both within the private, "cute" little treasure store of my suitcase (my "tiny house" on wheels) and the simplicity of my accommodations (hotel room, guest room) brings cognitive stasis, sensory boundedness, liberation from the fear of missing, overlooking, forgetting or being intruded upon by things (like, maybe the mail, or phone calls from "locals" who aren't local now because I'm away, or remembering that I still need to do a load of wash or take out the trash or a million other daily home chores--it's all excluded).
WOW! You just perfectly described why I want to go tiny! People are always asking why I want to Go Tiny and I couldn't put my finger on it... But you are SO Right! The simplicity, the cognitive stasis, the sensory boundness, liberation from the fear of missing, overlooking, forgetting or being intruded upon. That's exactly it! I'll just have my one favorite mug to choose from and I love that idea!
Also, because I have an AUHD brain, I believe I remember commenting or liking one of your comments on Another video! I'm pretty sure it was Campulance Man... The one where his heater was going out and he was, "talking" to Lefty.
Anyway, I hope to run into you when I get on the road soon. 😊
@@SweetStuffAustin 🙂
For me, the best case scenario is something that provides quick feedback. I'm perfectly happy making quick (and often bad) decisions if that's the way to get a good pile of data.
It's the things that happen at a very low rate that I get stuck on-visiting a doctor, for instance, I can't just schedule 50 appointments and see how many it takes to feel like I'm communicating effectively. In these low rate contexts, strategies based on a 'just do it' principle tend to mean that the time I spend getting it right is wasted but not reduced. And any bad decisions may have long-lasting consequences.
That said, I'm auDHD and (perhaps for that reason) don't think I'm all that far toward the perfectionist end of variation-about some things, yes; many others, no.
I am AuDHD as well but I am extremely perfectionistic. I am more autistic than ADHD. And I have borderline OCD. So maybe that is why.
Oh my gosh!! Your description of checking and double- and triple- etc just has me in gales of laughter and recognition! Perfect, indeed!
In my life this type of extreme attention to detail and difficulty accepting anything less than what I recognize as correct or good enough has been, to put it bluntly, a blessing and a curse. It has been a very useful trait, and yet it is one of the biggest obstacles about myself I've faced. And it does not go away. It has led me to mastery of certain skills, but also to have great difficulty being willing to put myself out in the world doing those things. I'm always working to learn ways I can leverage this in more beneficial ways. As always, I greatly appreciate your discussions. Thanks for another very cool video Paul!
This is something I very much resonate with, and I feel like I've MOSTLY refined to acting as more of a strength than a weakness. That is, I don't try to suppress the attention to detail - because it HAS saved projects before and the like - but I've gotten better at figuring out where fixing something matters and where it doesn't...and ignoring the latter, or being able to say: "OK, I've double-checked or triple-checked...there is no need to quaduple-check!"
This sounded like me in all your explanations. It served me well in the jobs I had, now as a retired person it is cumbersome and annoying. I have been feeling it is something I can’t really get rid of. You have me thinking it is something to deal with in a different way. I also never associated it with my drain or tiredness or my executive function too tired to work properly. I am only recently been diagnosed with so my world has all new definitions for my past and present.
Also, on a different topic I was wondering if you have ever talked about aphantasia( having a blind mind’s eye) and autism. I have also just found out that applies to me.
Indeed😊
What you said in the introduction is exactly as if it were my own words. Looking forward to watch this video and thank you for sharing your experiences.
I really love watching this channel,very awesome and informative, we're you watching from?
Yes this is me, totally. It feels like I’m never finished. I also think of random things I forgot when in a situation that is not all related.
Are u kidding me, how tf did i miss this live damn...
I better check my settings,
I got no notification 🤔
Anyway...
Awesome vid as usual.
I really love watching this channel,very awesome and informative, we're you watching from?
The way you described memory was new to me, and very interesting and relatable! No wonder I get tired and don't feel like I can trust my brain sometimes. I've saved this video to my list of resources that are helping me understand how my brain works. I've been a perfectionist for as long as I remember (at least since 3rd grade), and I've always done multiple checks on everything ... measurements, spelling, position, expectations, time etc. It is exhausting. In some of my careers (computer programming and primary school teaching) my perfectionism made my workload unsustainable and I ended up with burnout, chronic fatigue syndrome and mental illnesses. I 'retired' from each of those careers after several years. Now I'm an artist trying to let my work be more messy and painterly (my website is harder to be relaxed about). I'm also a writer planning to self-publish so I can control the process and timeline, and I'll be able to edit for as long as I need. I'm proud of myself when I see a spelling mistake in one of my IG stories (which can't be edited) and let it slide.
As soon as you mentioned the perfect sandwich... i felt less 'crazy' about my habits.
Trying to figure out the culinary physics is draining, but also satisfying when you find your sweet spot. Recipes, even self-made ones, help me keep tabs on ingredients I have to get out.
The only thing that helps me, is making lists of things I need to prepare, even if it's jotting down "bring a hat". It can be just as draining to ponder on the items for these lists, as it is to forget them and have to keep coming back. After a while, these lists stick in my head, and I forget my essentials less. Prepping a few essentials, and keeping things in categories and designated places helps me immensly (I keep my backpack, gloves, hats and scarves all in one place to avoid forgetting them). A lot of us don't want lists hanging around everywhere, but I assure you they're not permanent.
Love this insight/reflection so much! As someone who overcame an increasingly debilitating period of OCD in my early teens, I have learned to embrace a certain chaos factor in my mental patterns. I let the obsessive autistic nature into the driver's seat when I'm working on a specific project, or when writing/editing/rewriting. Much of the rest of the time, however, that voice gets in the back. It gets to play when I need to make a shopping list, or pack for a trip, but for most of the in-between matters, I need less and less effort to push that aside. Listening to your description of your process (in this and other videos) has really helped me form a clearer picture of these internal dynamics. I'm very grateful for you and all you share - thank you.✌
Double, triple checking, mental check lists for each activity. Mind like a steel trap most of the time. It’s rare I forget, rarer still to lose a thing. I have multiple strategies for taking care of business. I stay well oriented to time and place. It matters deeply to me not to be a flake and a fuck up. Other people fuck up, I don’t get to fuck up, I don’t allow it. And that’s all me, no Dad growing up and Mom didn’t drive me like that, I always drove myself. Dad was a Green Beret, I always expected to be at the top of everything I put my mind to. Fiercely competitive, I have gaps in my skill set but the things I CAN do, I do very well. I’m RELENTLESS with myself.
I also get absorbed and worried thinking in future tense. This is also the reason I am a hoarder type that collects things because they just pile up thinking I may need them. Your newspaper typo example is a good example to show the panic we undergo and how important having everything is to us. I think with this example we learn to maybe think outside the box and raise the issue with the correct department to deal with the typo mistake rather than go from one page to the next. In the same way we have to think outside of the box in our everyday life. Useful topic.
Yes! The bit about packing for travel!!! It is so hard to leave home for non-routine experiences. Will I need this? What about that? Freeze, exhaustion. Late. Still have to decide about those things.
I'm just a few weeks into exploring autism as self-diagnosis. Among many others, your videos have really helped, Paul. I appreciate you.
Have yet to watch but my response to the title is:
I was playing a city builder.
I called it relaxton because i was supposed to relax.
Well after just increasing the the size in what i thought were interesting neat ways.
I learned some more of the mechanics and that i was not taking those into account.
Additionally the way buildings interacted with terrain was completely unexpected.
All of this caused some visual issues here and there.
I am now playing nitpickton.
Depending on how this goes nitpickton 2 could be a couple days away.
Its small, but looking great so far.
Omg this topic is so true! I don't consider myself a perfectionist in a way, that everything should be ideal. But I just can't stand mistakes.
The problem starts when the idea of a "mistake" is different for everyone, especially in daily routine. And communicating this to other people, - here comes problems.
I struggled this a lot with my family, now have a more supportive one.
Also am slower at work than other developers, but ofc I get less mistakes during testing process.
I guess it's a positive trait, but we need to adapt to it and help others accept us as we are like that. I think it can't be changeable that simply.
Saw 'pendantic?' in the thumbnail and was immediately like 'No, it's *pedantic* !
... waaaiiit a minute.'
So I suppose there's your answer 😂
It is so much a part of me that most of it is fine, while in the process.
Spelling mistakes can be reminders of school shame. Not finishing paintings is frustrating because I haven't figured out how to solve the puzzle. I'm learning to be ok with unfinished paintings and good enough art projects.
I hardly forget to pack things because I will go through my process until it is complete. If that changes as I get older, then I will write more lists and not hold them in my head.
Oh god as an AuDHD person this speaks to my soul. The constantly noticing tiny little mistakes and then spending HOURS getting every tiny detail right, and also explains the anxiety I feel around my routines or habits, because these have been built up over decades to allow me to function with my brain in this world the way I am expected to, and it is like a well oiled clock, except I mean in the way that it takes incredible precision and detail consistently in order to do a basic functionality like telling the time, and even the tiniest grain of sand could completely disrupt that ecosystem, possibly to devastating consequences...
It’s exhausting, this is me all the time! Typing emails or even messaging I end up redoing over and over, checking the punctuation, grammar and spelling. As for forgetting things and double and triple checking no matter how organised I try to be takes me forever to get anywhere. Now that I’m retired I find it easier to just stay home and not commit to too much at all. 😢
I really love watching this channel,very awesome and informative, we're you watching from?
YES! I was told yesterday that i was a perfectionist when I was a child and if it was not perfect I would cry. I still have something like that but it’s more of frustration and rage. I have tried for the past two years to just roll with it but it has been a constant battle. My attention to detail is superb but can cause internal problems and relationship problems.
This is amazing! So helpful.
Also - I love tangents - they're fabulous.
100% can relate. The best way to cope I’ve found is to follow the wise words and actions of an old mad lad and scream, “LEEEEERROOOYYYY JJJJEEEENNNNKKKIIINNNSSS” when you need to act now. The repercussions to tiny mistakes have never been as bad as failing to take action for me. In all honesty, I’ve found you really don’t much other than yourself and a goal. No hammer and need to hang a picture? Use a soup can to get the nail in the wall. No box cutter? Credit cards will work (be careful though, they will snap sometimes). My $0.02.
I can definitely relate to this. I'm 47, and I have ASD and ADHD
totally get it.. & i love the freedom of when I have a backpack... albeit because i know i have likely made a packing list so i sbsolutely have every possible thing i potentially -worse case scenario level- may need..
ALSO
these things you mention are exactly why we get misdiagnosed by drs looking at the surface of what is said instead of being investigators,, its soo frustrating i expect them to put clues together to the bigger picture not just say oh thats ocd, or youre a control freak needing to micromanage... its called functional ocd - otherwise known as accept what is so prepare for everything.. then youre ready for anyuthing!
I was diagnosed as High Functioning Autistic, *and* I have worked as the editor of a newspaper. So it's as though this video is my bio! :) And yes, I was a hawk on proofreading and fixing all mistakes before sending it to be printed (in the pre-online era, there was no fixing errors after publishing.)
I’m very attentive to detail, and it’s a useful trait in my work (cytogenetics). We strive to be perfect in this field.
My perfectionism stems from the need for acceptance. Growing up undiagnosed, I thought I was rejected because I made a mistake. Logically, I thought that if I didn't make a mistake, I wouldn't be rejected.
I still feel that way even as an adult.
I felt that, too.
I’m a 50 y/o female, and got my diagnosis last month. I’m sooooo this way! I’ve also had horrible Supervisors that would scold me on attention to detail. It gave me a form of PTSD about perfecting whatever computer work or paperwork I was having to turn in to them. I still hear their voices and the feelings in my body when I’m doing anything. Hearing someone explain what I’ve been doing allows me to want to be even more gentler with myself.
This becomes highly problematic especially when attempting to multitask but all the things you are working on are extremely important. 🤯🤯🤯
I can totally relate to the email thing, it takes so long it's exhausting, I have to keep rereading to check even the commas are in the right place (but I absolutely hate using the phone, have done all my life, so I have to email instead of phoning). The travel thing is amazing, I love living out of a small(ish) bag and not having to worry about life things and decisions, as long as I have all transport and accommodation planned out in detail!
This is so accurate it's scary. I am working on things forever because I keep finding things to change/improve. Moments of getting me frustrated with "how didn't I see that before? Omg" are soooo common.
Stress causes our brain to function less effectively. The more stress you're under, the worse it can get. Also, fear just about completely disables our frontal lobe; more so depending of the intensity of the fear. You may be a little stressed while doing the things you've described. Once it is done, the stress is gone enough that you're able to remember. Because each of the things you spoke about can be, and some are, stressful. Personally, for me, I WOULD turn around at ANY point to get my sun protection...lol. ☺
It's been a long time since I've felt so *seen* by a video! Personally, I do not feel that I am a perfectionist, because "good enough" is something I've always had to live with. I never do things up to a point where they are without flaw, only up to a point where they get done on time with as few mistakes as possible. Meeting deadlines is always more important than doing my best possible work lol. What I found interesting in this video is that you highlighted the cognitive overload my usual way of working might cause and the reframing of flaws as simply flaws and not actual mistakes (if that makes sense?). And due to multiple burn outs I've also become aware that my relationship to deadlines is not healthy, either, so I guess it's all part of the process.
Edit: Thank you for the video :)
Thank you so much, Paul. This video hit in a way I wasn’t quite expecting, it let me the idea of where to draw the line.
Lowering our expectations is the best way to preserve our sanity. LOL at the spell checking example! I can totally relate. I always think it's the final draft, and again, I find another small mistake!!! Ugh. LOL!!!
I hope the following helps someone, my gf thought me this:
simply keep a written log of tasks you need to complete within a project, like in a notepad or Tasks app, and divide it into minimum of 2 categories:
1) things that HAVE to be done
2) things that COULD HAVE to be done for any FUTURE iterations, versions or development (if it EVER comes to that)
The biggest help from this system is point no.2, because writing it down physically on the app or paper, eases your mind, and conserves energy of keeping these scenarios and informations in your head in real time. Whatever you feel compelled to do in that moment, just write it out and and then it's easier to focus on what NEEDS to be done.
Yessss it’s so exhausting and takes so long to accomplish something because I perseverante so much on reviewing my work over and over again, not even for mistakes always but also “is this the perfect, most optimal choice of words for that?” and alllllll the way down that rabbit hole! And god forbid I am on a time crunch and I am forced to wrap up before I’ve had enough time to obsess over it for an absurd about of time, then it’s anxiety city! 😅 Ugh!
I identify so much with all of this, to the point it has actually had a negative impact on my life. In some small ways but also in some big ways. I'm always forgetting things I need to do, like call to make a doctor's appointment, only to remember at the most inopportune time. But by the time I can do the thing. I've forgotten again. It's a vicious cycle.
The perfectionism has caused significant damage too. In school I was always turning assignments in late because turning something in that was perfect and complete was more important to me than turning it in on time. The result is that I would get an F because usually turning in an assignment late meant a 50% reduction in grade, but then my teacher would tell me that it's A+ quality work, if only I'd turned it in on time. They would also tell me that they aren't looking for perfection, and if I had turned the assignment in imperfect but on time, it probably still would have been an A+, or at the very least, better than an F. If it wasn't obvious, I didn't graduate, despite being a gifted student.
Now it's hindering me at work too. We are expected to meet a certain number of calls per hour, and I'm consistently unable to meet that expectation because I'm so focused on handling and documenting calls exactly the way I was trained to, when they don't seem to actually care as much as I do about doing exactly by the book. I'm only a contractor at my job, but the opportunity is there to be hired on as a full-time associate. I even got an interview the last time they were hiring, but they made it clear that while excellent tickets and resolution rate are great, it's just not economical if the call per hour isn't meeting expectations. Since I have this mental hang up that I just can't seem to get over, it feels like I'll never get hired on, which means no benefits, no raises, no chance to move up, etc.
Yeah! Perfect example of this phenomenon would be. I'm working on my solo video game RPG souls like and right now I've been basically working on the camera system for 2 and 1/2 years but I do have to say it's finally as close as it can be to what I needed.
I’m also a perfectionist but have more recently been developing tolerances to overcome its unrealistic expectations so I can still complete something if it’s good enough by the set requirements but is not quite perfect! :)
I can relate to this. Another factor for me, with remembering/forgetting, is unconscious, prioritisation: initially getting into the car, I focus on key things:, passport, keys, credit card etc, as I drive off the more trivial items: sunglasses, sunhat, swimming costume, etc come to mind. All things I can buy on holiday if necessary. The major, blocks out the minor, at the start.
The checking and double checking of minor and major thing, and my brain becoming better at it is satisfying and exhausting.
I feel like I'm in this video - though at least some of my double and triple checking is to make sure I got letters in the right order, because I'm also dyslexic - so unless I'm riled up, I tend to proofread everything I write. But yes, this resonates a lot with me - or I'll get up to go do a thing, then completely forget what I was going to do, because I'm also ADHD - so it will be seeing something else I need to do, doing it, going back to my desk, then realizing I still hadn't done the initial thing.
Just watching this video during cooking and hilarious that was in fact what I have been doing! Going up and down the stairs several times because i had forgotten ingredients! I tell myself its great to get extra steps in and its healthier for me 😅
I have learnt to become comfortable with the discomfort of 'mistakes'. I have to tell myself to let things go as its not just that important in the grand scheme of things.
Great timing for a video. I’m still picking up on minor typos in a paper even after it’s been published. Time to let it go, it’s 100% done now. Thanks.
I think that video has a lot of autistic qualities in it. It also helped me finally understand some autistic traits. I knew that it is an autistic trait to form routines and to think different but I never really could put my finger on this. This video cleared this up for me.
First of all, thinking about the stages of forgetfulness is hilarious. It's this kind of being funny without intending to be funny. I have this so often. Because to you this is 100% a serious thought. No jokes involved. But to other people it's just a weird way to think about something. I get this so often that people tell me they thought something I said was funny to them because they would never in a million years think about it in that way. It's like using hats on a dog. dogs do not need a hat, the hat wasn't made for them. While for you it's completely logical that a head needs a hat and a dog has a hat, therefore a dog needs a hat. For everyone else it's just hilarious that you just put a hat on a dog.
I think overall I think a lot about processes and when they end and how I can make them easier for me. The traveling analogy with the packing the bag finally drove that idea home for me that you try to come up with systems that help you not having to think things through over and over again. It's the same way of thinking about if dogs needs hats or not. Your brain overly complicates life because it just looks a little too close at something or it just has a different set of information that it tries to make sense with. And then you end up in a weird pattern of thinking and interacting with life. (weird for others, not for you). And it is like, no wonder you cannot navigate life the same way other people do, because the same way they never would put a hat on a dog, you can't see a world in which you wouldn't at least consider that option.
And this probably touches a lot on executive functioning. Because to the outside it just looks like you cannot get a task done. And sometimes your really can't get it done. I sometimes think perfectionism is just a way of describing someone who can't finish a task. For me it is actually better to rebrand "perfectionism" as "not being able to finish a task". Because often times I don't even want to make it better or more correct. I just need more information, more data, more iterations. I don't feel the need to perfect it, I just feel that its not done yet. Perfectionism has a lot to do with external standards. And often times I don't even want to compete in that game. And still I have a hard time finishing tasks.
Also I think this whole process overthinking and finishing tasks is where AuDHD really shows up and complicates it even further. Because apart from working on a task for too long you now also have to fight with your train of thought running amok and with motivating yourself.
Man, I´m soooo glad that actually my new neurologist who I thought until now would only be able to prescribe me Ritalin based on my late diagnosis, now after 4 months and a couple of conversations just asked, have you ever considered autism for yourself?? And I managed to not fall off my chair or cry but answered, yeees, after my ADHD diagnosis and when I started reading about neurodiversity for the first time I sat there thinking, oh god, oh god, I know SO many of all these things so well and I actually thought about autism more than only once!!! I´m so glad you asked. 🙈🙈
I tried not to overdo research because of course!! there were doubts and NOONE ever noticed it in me. But I become more and more aware how much impact certain negative factors had on this, like much social isolation due to a toxic family where not having any conversations with me and/or abusive behavior was the standard while noone from the outside noticed anything. Or like my own anxiety and keeping my head down also with other people until I tried deliberately to make contact more, build friendships etc and things went wrong, which finally showed me again and again, there is something wrong and somehow I can´t believe less and less that this is only based on lack of experience or the underlying fear to get hurt again.
I mean yes, it´s not hard to imagine how being in a constant alert state makes thinking clearly and making decisions much more difficult. But it shouldn´t be such a negative factor when you´re trying to build routines that would reduce instablility. It´s like constantly fighting an invisible additional ghost. I had a plan for preparing the short hospital visit yesterday... and then I remembered three times or so things I had forgotten, did them, thought, now I´m ready only to remember sth else etc
In the end I underestimated the time I´d need to walk to the bus stop and almost missed it.
I have a great attention to detail at most points when it's necessary, and quite strongly observant at times, especially with my work and sometimes when it's something health and safety wise and I correct it by either picking it up or just move it out of the way etc.