I’m not just worried about the older daughter in the first story, but also the kitten as well. The younger daughter has a history of violent outbursts and destroying toys. To her, the sister’s new cat is just another toy she can’t have. I’m worried about this family.
even if she can see it's not a 'toy' she has already learned she is allowed to destroy things that belong to the sister, so she probably will have no qualms with hurting it if she can hurt her sister through it.
Or she'll demand to have the kitten herself. Mom will suddenly want the kitten. Older sis would be expected to do all the care like litter box or food and water still but won't have any play time with kitten because it'd be lil sis's and older will be expected to be okay with it. If kitty doesn't like lil sis I could see mom wanting to get rid of the kitty or the kitty will "run away" one day.
Story 1 is exactly how you raise a neurodivergent child with entitlement issues. Autistic kids do need different levels of care, even compared to other autistic kids as autism is different for everyone who has it, but giving them everything they want and not putting normal boundaries that’d be placed with any other human being will ruin that child. The parents really need to figure out how to fix the situation they are in. ESH because both parents have allowed their oldest to flounder to meet the needs of the youngest, and that kitten is in an unsafe household since the youngest has issues with aggression.
OP may be trying, can't really tell. I did everything for our asd child to hp her live as independent and have normal relationships. He coddled her, used her diagnosis as excuses for her bad behavior, refused to join in on her therapy sessions saying "therapy is to fix her not me" even put her in programs for low functioning individials when our daughter wasn't. Just so he could parader her around and act like a savior. But then turn around and chastise and punish her for normal stemming behaviors. To this day I want to bitch slap him. If OPs wife is refusing to see what she is doing is hurting both kids, little he can do. Doubt he would get custody if he divorced.
Some autistic kids are completely unaware and unable to understand. The variation is great, if they aren't high functioning they can have mental impairements. As in being mentally 4 forever, non verbal, oversensory issues and stimms not in control. They can even not be attached to ppl or even be aware of others. They reality is that probably should be putting that kid in a care facility but they are in the USA this is absolutely unpayable
@@ButtonsCasey Since the younger daughter has a history of aggression towards the older daughter and also a history of destroying the older daughter's toys, it's possible she will do the same to that kitten. Yes, older daughter needs much more attention, but risking the life of an innocent kitten makes OP *and* his wife both AH's. I can't say ESH because both children and the kitten are innocent. It's the parents' fault for not seeking professional help with teaching their younger daughter how to deal with her frustrations.
First story ticked me right off. I have two autistic boys. They're just under two years apart (not intentionally, birth control failed). It can be EXTREMELY hard to teach autistic children to take turns, be gentle, and share, but it can be done. You have to set rules in place, and keep them consistent. You have to teach them that no means no. Even with a non-verbal four-year-old, mirroring a situation can be very effective (if they break a sibling's toy, one of their own is removed at the same time, to show that when a broken toy goes away, a nice one goes away too; "you don't hit people, do you want people to hit you? If it's good for you to do, then it's good for sibling to do to you."; "you got to pick first last time, now it's somebody else's turn, then it'll be your turn again." "You can share it, or it can go away/ you can have a little, or you can have no." "If *inappropriate behavior child likes* is yes, then *opposing behavior child doesn't like* is yes.") Sometimes you have to use creative phrasing to get your point across, but the important part is to make bad behavior have a consequence the child will want to avoid. I raised both my autistic boys and my non-disabled daughter with this mindset, and my kids are polite and respectful of people, animals, and objects (for the most part. They're kids, mistakes are made, accidents happen, and opportunities to fix the problem or make up for it are offered). And for reference, my oldest is turning eighteen this year, his brother just turned sixteen. We still struggle some days, but having established boundaries that don't get changed without a discussion helps a LOT.
As an adult autistic person who had to figure it out how to function adequately in society on their own, I applaud you, you sound like an totally amazing mom! I’m sure you’ve saved your children so much pain in the long run :D
@@capybaraconlimon6754 Thank you so much! It's not easy to find yourself an unprepared adult in any way, but social skills are super hard to figure out on your own (my mom was super overprotective, so I have issues with social interactions too). I hope things have gotten easier for you as you've gained experience, and that you've been able to build yourself a support system, and I hope things will keep getting easier for you as time goes on. Best of luck to you!
This is where my mind was going. Things will be rough enough with a kid that severely autistic, but when she's given zero boundaries and everyone in her would made to cater to her, she's going to be an absolute monster when she gets older. And that's not even touching on the gross injustice of how the older child is being neglected and forced to "sacrifice" (real sacrifice is a *choice*, not imposed by another. Then it's just stealing). That teaches her she is of no value as anything other than a servant and punching bag while it teaches the younger one that it's her right to abuse her sister. I'm almost willing to say at this point the youngest could probably benefit from a more institutional setting if her behavior is so far out of control
Good for you. Your situation isn't this one. This child is likely never going to be able to reach your vaulted level of conformation bias. Care to tell my cousin, who's nine year old will never function above the mental age of 2.5 - 3 (she's also going through premature maturation right now, a situation that you biologically will never have to apply to your children) that she just has to 'be more firm'? I'm sure she can squeeze 36 hours into the day, because you said so. AsD is a SPECTRUM for a reason, and yes the lower end of it looks exactly like this. You know what the answer here absolutely wasn't? Dropping a kitten off and whistling back to work, telling yourself that a child who's legally required to be in school eight hours a day while you yourself are gone isn't going to do anything but exacerbate the situation. He suggested bringing in outside help? May as well suggest they pop off to France tomorrow for the weekend. Both options are 'possible', it doesn't mean either are realistic from a technical or financial perspective. This is the reason why my children and I (all on the spectrum) avoid the ASD community like the plague. Your confirmation bias and intercommunity ableism is really damaging, and could become dangerous. Your situation is your situation, and this situation isn't yours (and frankly, is a small snippet of the actual reality of this family).
Going off vitrolic and judgey isn't going to help anyone except make you feel "good" in your own self righteousness, "Life isn't static". If you're trying to educate and spread awareness that isn't the way to do it. And seriously?? "a situation you biologically will never have to apply to your children"? You don't know that, so that was completely uncalled for.
That's easy for you to say bc you don't take the perspective of the wife into account. You only see and project what you suffered. What are the moms options ? Yeet her autistic child to the streats ? Abandon the kid to relatives ? Abandoning or giving up parental rights will open and investigation and they might all the kids. Or put it in a care facility which is the only legal way and it's also an impossible to pay, way to do it. And still involves abandoning the kid. Both parents could be unable afford to pay for special care if in the USA, that would cost them 10 of thousands a year. The father gave her something to compensate his absence and emotional neglect, like rich parents buy their kids stuff to compensate for them caring. Not only is the kitten now in danger but also an extra responsability and i'm willing to bet op is not gonna care for it but dump it on his wife and that's why she didn't want it. Op didn't fix the issue, which is finding care, working less hours, asking help from extended family, see If they qualify for some aid. Anything to solve the issue instead he gave her cat. How does that change anything ?? It won't be long before his wife suffers from care takers burn out. And then any number of crazy things can happen. And I've been parentified so I'm not speaking from a privileged place. Everyone seems so self centered on their own issues or having a tunnel vision view of the actual problems.
Yeah, alternative option tho: get the wife a freaking job to afford an actual caretaker for your neurodivergent child. Because it's very obvious wife is not enough and oldest is not the neurodivergent child's freaking mother and shouldnt be parentified. Neurodivergent child needs better care too, and oldest needs an actual family. OP needs to put his foot down, for real this time, and if being a SAHM is so much for wife, then she needs to work and afford an actual caretaker. Edit, just in case: There's nothing wrong with being a SAHM but I think it's important to realize when it's sustainable and when it's not. And in this case, it's not. And I know there's a lot of stigma around care facilities, and the whole "You're abandoning your child!!!!" Thing, aside of the fact that they cost thousands. But it's still something that has to be considered, and if you cant take proper care of your child, it's no different to neglecting them already. In a respectable facility they have specialists, people inside to ensure that they'd move and disturb as minimal as possible the routine of the children, and take proper care of them. A common house doesnt have those things. And equip the home with all of that still would cost the same. They're fighting against the current here, and honestly, they're neglecting both children.
Story 1: There are a lot of support systems both private and government run for autistic children. Take advantage of them. The 5 year old needs to be in therapy, PT and OT. Autistic people can learn to control there emotions and recognize proper socal interactions if the parents have them work with proper professionals. The daughter should have been put in therapy as soon as she was diagnosed. If you don't intervene now both girls will have horrible greater negative outcomes as adults. Unfortunately a kitten is not a proper intervention is this situation.
Those private and government programs have income limits and finite seats. I know of at least three people who have had their kids on waiting lists since the day they were diagnosed (one's been waiting for TEN YEARS) for the ones that aren't income based (make anymore that 38k a year as a family of four in the US, and 3/4 of your options - granted you don't live in a rural area, where resources are even MORE limited if not completely nowhere to be found - are gone). There's literally a resource shortage, especially as diagnostic criteria is becoming more expanded, thus numbers increase. Therapy for this is specialized, and priced as such. My cousin pays 58k a year out of pocket for JUST OT therapy and part time ASD care - insurance doesn't approve it or cover it. Furthermore, 'Autistic people can learn to...' is a blanket statement. Autism is a SPECTRUM disorder. Some - like myself who are high functioning - can learn to integrate, but a catch-all statement saying someone on the severe end of the spectrum will be able to, without knowing the specifics of their entire case is magical thinking, ableist and JUST as damaging as telling a paraplegic that they will absolutely be able to run. Don't do that. It's not helpful, and it's not within your scope. Saying 'just get help' is an oversimplification of a complex issue that has so many working parts that you're literally demeaning parents, caretakers, and those on the spectrum themselves.
wife thinks op should have been more gentle? i bet the mil would have kicked her out and tell not to come back until the baby is a teen or something lol
Ugh, what annoys me about the comments on the first story is that reddit can't handle a dad who has recognised their wrong doing and trying to do right. They just see him as constantly being wrong no matter what they do. While I don't think getting a kitten was a good idea before sorting out autistic daughters behaviours, I get he was trying to make his wronged child happy. At the very least, he is the only parent that can see that there is a problem at all.
None of the comments made me think this. I think, while OP is admirable for looking out for his older child, he looked for a quick fix. He added another creature for his wife to look out for, without asking her, when she already seems to be at her breaking point. I agree that they’re not handling parenthood very well, but he put an attention-needing band aid on a gaping wound.
Right, he realized the problem and IS trying to fix it. It wasn’t the smartest solution, but he notices the problem and is working on it. As long as he keeps trying to improve I hope he will eventually find a better solution.
@@KittenUndercover All Op wife need to do about the kitten is to leave it alone you only need to have kitty litter, food and water which can be done at the evening when Op is home
@@joimumu Given the three kittens I'm currently raising, I have to laugh my head off at the idea that a kitten "just needs to be left alone". They need frequent socialization and mental enrichment (toys and things to climb on, etc.). They need to be trained so that they (a) use the litter box and don't just go potty wherever, (b) don't hurt the children who play with them, and (c) don't ruin household objects like sofas, chairs, or beds. Their environment needs to be adjusted so that it's safe for them -- cats will eat all manner of things they shouldn't, and go anywhere they can fit, and climb anything and everything they can manage (and then fall off it, sometimes). They can be easily spooked, they can be noisy, they can be smelly and track poo and litter all over. They can be attention-seekers who get in the way of whatever activity you thought you were doing (e.g. arts and crafts, story time, homework). In short, they are a significant addition to the household, and not one to take on lightly, and I say that as a lifelong cat lover. A seven-year-old is nowhere *near* old enough to care for a kitten entirely on her own, and OP was very wrong to not get on the same page with his wife *before* adding a new source of stress to her already overwhelming situation. And that's not even considering the potential harm to the kitten. You think the older daughter's gonna feel great if her baby sister actually harms or kills her brand-new furbaby? You never *ever* bring an animal into a household without getting on the same page about it, and *especially* not if you're going to happily run off to work each day and leave the animal care to other people without their consent -- or in this case, distinctly against their will.
Which will be unfair but fair....Dad needs to focus on her honestly ,take less time at work so mum can get some training or join a support group so she is able to better manage the situation. This is the only way they will get a routine .
Story 1: ESH but the oldest, If your goal is preventing your daughter from cutting contact with you and your wife once she grows up, getting her a kitten will not be enough, "I partly blame myself for this" no shit man, this is you and your wife's fault. You need to tell your wife to stop specting your eldest daughter to make sacrifices for the youngest because is not the oldest job to make prevent her sister's agresive tamptrums. Or divorce your wife and do right by your eldest! Again, a kitten will not be enough.
Agreed I hate parents like that expect the eldest kids have drop everything to please young siblings I read lots children go no contact with parent's please divorce this creature let her have the ausitm kid, let your girl keep the kitten
@@princessstarpeach9161 But even this might not be the case. If the mother fights for custody and it's granted to her. The eldest daughter is stuck until she's the age where she can make her own decisions. In some jurisdictions that's 12 or 13. Others are 15 or 16. What should be happening here is OP should be paying into a programme that will help his severely autistic child. I know people with autism that learnt how to cope properly so that they don't have meltdowns... They are still autistic but they are able to communicate and whenever they are upset or frustrated, they utilise the coping mechanisms taught to them and they don't become violent. OP and his wife are doing both daughters a disservice here. Speaking as somebody who has a sister who has intellectual and developmental disabilities along with behavioural problems, we don't have a close relationship whatsoever. If it comes to divorce, the judge would most likely keep the sisters together with one parent unless OP can prove that the mother of his children is incapable... And if that is the case, OP will have custody of both girls. Now if the daughter is old enough to tell the judge which parent she wants to live with, that might help, but it will come at the cost of her not wanting anything to do with the parent who has custody of her sister.
I am an adult who grew up in this situation. If they keep going like that, the kid will be no contact in no time. I was thrown a couple bones but none of them were substantial enough to make me feel like i mattered and in the end my parents blamed me for the violent outbursts and pushed all the responsibility on me (but told my sibling i was never in charge, just responsible for whatever she did, but she didnt have to listen to me) because it was easier than accepting that they should have been home to keep me safe and that they were not parenting, but forcing me to. Im 30 now and was pushed to my limits by both my sibling and my parents and have had no contact for nearly 6 years. I wont be changing my mind. People can only take so much.
My question is if the youngest is that severaly disabled why the fuck are they not on assistant or disability so the child get rhe CARE she actually needs. Because it clear the youngest isn't getting proper care.
My son and daughter in law just had their first child (my first grand child) they have both asked me to come over 3-4 days a week and stay at their home the whole time to help her out while she adjusts to motherhood. She is a wonderful mother and I adore her. I feel so privileged to be able to have such a wonderful relationship with my DIL and feel so lucky! I love every second of the time I spend with her and my new grandson. It is sad to me to hear that MIL/DIL relationships usually aren’t good. I consider her just like my own daughter!!!
I'm happy to hear this,as my mil is awesome and I love her to bits! My own mom though,is something else .. Like I'm no contact with her. She doesn't even know my three kids,and they don't care.. I've done all in my power to be a better mom to them,then she was to me..
@@ldannu5627 You are AMAZING!!!! So often people mimic their mother or fathers behavior. It takes someone special to break that cycle. Congratulations on being a great Mom, you should be so proud. I don’t even know you and I am proud of you!!!!! And yes, my DIL and I have a similar relationship I love her to bits, also. We often joke that she is my favorite (above my son who I am very close with). So happy you found a family who loves and supports you!
@@gretatagliavia4228aaw,you made me cry,like happy cry! Thank you for your kind words ! You are a gem and a wonderful woman ! I think we'd be great friends also, as you remind me of my dear mil! Hugs n kisses, you are an angel!
@@ldannu5627 LDannu, thank you so very much for YOUR kind words, can’t say I am particularly a wonderful woman or a gem, just call things out when I see them so, I guess honest (sometimes to a fault) is a good description. But, THANK YOU!!!!! And I agree, I do think we could be very good friends since you also remind me of my DIL. Anyway, keep doing you and being a wonderful Mom and DIL!!!
Story 3: You did exactly the right thing in gatekeeping. This is one of the rare stories where the new parents are doing everything right, and even MIL is awesome! Yup, keep away any negative until the nursing bond is well and truly established, and milk production is back on track. This usually takes a minimum of six weeks. Stand firm, and just turn off your phone. Sounds like the three of you, plus Mom, have things firmly in hand.
By how the friends talk it sounds like they push the friend to the wife every time so they don't deal with her. The fact they don't care that op and their friend had a kid is telling of the people they are.
Yeah, "Becky" is just using the most convenient aka the least out spoken friend as a personal therapist. OP should really clap back at the other friends with something like: "My wife has priorities, Baby is first and "Becky" is a distant sixth right now" or "You guys don't (presumably) have newborns right now, you help "Becky" out for a change". Some people just don't get new parenthood, and this includes friends, employers, co-workers and even new parents on occasion.
Apparently there was an update on the first story. 5yo pushed 7yo down the stairs because she didn’t like the fact that there were toys lying around. Mom told 7yo she should have picked up the toys and that it was her fault. Dad took the older daughter and kitten is filing for divorce, and looking for full custody. Kitten is doing well and unharmed and the older daughter is much happier.
First story - NTA. Stay at home parents should be the person who should calculate and take appropriate action to get harmony because that person will knows how children's will react in different scenarios. But here op wife sacrificing op's eldest daughter happiness to reach the harmony.
The unfortunately reality is that - especially in the US - 'harmony' in this kind of situation isn't available for everyone. You just have to hang on by the skin of your teeth. The situation is in dire straits, absolutely, but until the insurance companies start approving appropriate care for ASD (you get 10 OT appointments per year, after you hit your 5-20k deducible) and respite care (insurance doesn't cover that, MediCrap kinda does, but you have to be under the income ceiling) you're going to see more and more of this. I'd recommend individual, family, and marriage therapy with a specialist in special needs families, but that's likely out of reach financially as well. The whole thing just sucks.
@Gi Gi to much has been left out to judge anything. However instead of a kitten I would have gotten a large almost adult cat. It can definitely stay out of harms way of a 4 year old. And in worst case can defend itself if the need arises. Might even make an impact in the child's mind to not damage living toys.
@Gi Gi I have no issues with a cat defending itself. Yes a 4yo can corner a cat but only if the cat isn't actively evading said 4 yo. There isn't enough information to judge anything however few animals would fit into the situation better than a cat, or are easier to assist with keeping out of the way (allowing access to high areas, the cat apartments, access to outside). A cat with claws is far less of an issue than a dog whose only defense is teeth.
That's the situation and it's unfair to hear as a third party but that's the situation she is in and she is doing her best. Dad I wish would focus on the oldest ,so at the very least mum can get some training to ease things for her.They are American so the care might be expensive but the classes and support groups I am sure are not.
Story 1. I love how no one ever seems to acknowledge the sacrifice it takes to allow one parent to stay at home with the kids. The long hours, the stress of knowing your whole family is dependent on you financially, the fact that you miss so much of your children's life. None of that means a damn thing, because obviously it's all about making sure mommy is okay. I know being a SAHM is tough, but can people please stop acting like daddy is off on vacation 10-12 hours a day instead of working to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table.
Providing full time care for an autistic child with violence issues isn't a good time either. The reason why neither one of them gets praised for being incredible and amazing is that at parents they both chose to take up this life. Also, the question asked wasn't "AITA for being the breadwinner", people were staying on the topic of children development and animal safety.
Far less of a 'sacrifice' to be a single income household in 2022 than a dual income household with children (that are non-special needs). Why? Because child care is outrageously expensive (36k per year for ONE neurotypical, potty trained child where I lived), and while one job with two kids might cover the bills, two working parents with two kids are going to quickly go into debt. Being dual income is the sacrifice and the luxury these days. Not sure what the whinge fest has to do with much of anything in any of these stories though, other than an attempted vehicle for validation and backpatting.
But Mommy works 24 hrs a day, for free, with no breaks. Sometimes she might get a break from kids while they nap, but will probably use that time to get something done. Mommy usually is the one to take care of kids when they wake up in the middle of the night, since Dad has work and needs his sleep. That's why most kids want Mommy in the middle of the night. Daddy only works 8 hrs. Then expects Mommy to wait and dote in him when he gets home. Expects to sit down to a hot, homecookked meal, watch TV until bedtime. Meanwhile Mommy cleans up the kitchen, bathes the kids, puts them bed and collapses into her own. Yeah, that Dad working 8-10 hrs a day has it really rough.
@@sboyle536 cry a river You don’t know what the father does when he gets home 24 hours oh please 🙄 You don’t even know what the guy does Shut ye hell up
My point being that you have to teach limits to special children when you want to make life easier for them. You don't do them any favors by letting grow up entitled because of their disabilities. I guess that goes for all children.
Your point holds zero weight when the prognosis of the child is very poor. I know a nonverbal child on the severe end of the spectrum who will never develop past 2.5 - 3 years of age. She's freaked out by blood, and puberty just hit. Can you 'abled splain' THAT and the raging hormones to her, when her brain is permanently stuck at a toddler's understanding? Or do you simply not know what you're talking about?
Story 1: While Autistic Kids need some special help. The worst thing you can do is not teach or disabled children, that's what's happening here. The family clearly don't know what their doing. I'm autistic and my parents gave me responsibilities and disciplined me. That's why I'm 27 and I am independent I know kids with High Functioning Autism who don't know how to do anything but act like 5 year olds.
This child isn't high functioning, and likely will not become so like you are and I am. You're unintentionally pushing your confirmation bias ('I can do it, so those with my diagnosis have no excuse') to the point of intercommunity ableism. There are things that both parents need to be doing differently here, certainly - for both children - but comparing your situation to this one is like comparing ourselves to my cousin's daughter - who is nine years old, about as low functioning as we can get, and will never be independent. It's not fair or realistic, and frankly one of the many reasons why I don't engage with the ASD community. The superiority and arrogance of thinking your system and situation works for everyone isn't helpful.
Breastfeeding story ,Op you did the right thing for your wife and child ,her friend would only stress your wife out and that would cause issues with feeding your child .I'm glad that your wife has a support team ,including her mil, who is a professional midwife and understands what your wife is going through is normal for some people .Your mother has stepped up to the plate and that both of you are protectioning your family members from a lot of toxic and stressful people .NTA
I read somewhere that a wife want an equal division of parenting responsibilities. After years of fighting with husband and begging him, she got a divorce and achieved the equal division she wanted.
A lifetime ago when I was a freshman in college, I was considering special ed as my major. But then I found out the reality of special education. A good special ed teacher is firm, consistent, and does not accept bad behaviour. I could not see myself as a constant disciplinarian with kids who had to learn what the rest of society knew automatically. Very, very difficult career choice if you can do it. I decided it was not for me. Parents of the disabled need all the help and support they can get.
Discipline isn’t what is the most important thing. It’s setting open expectations for behavior. Just because it’s special education does NOT mean they don’t have to be respectful appropriate and kind to one another. That’s a huge mistake parents and educators in general make when dealing with All children. If u go into it expecting them to be awful they will prove you right.
gently ESH because bringing a pet into the house is adding to the wife's workload which she already cannot handle. But the dad isn't wrong y prioritising the older daughter for once. I got my cat when I was 10, I'm turning 29 soon and she's still with me. She's the best companion and gift I've ever been given. I think he just has to compromise with the mom and take up all the adult responsibility for the kitten that the kid obviously can't (finances, taking them to the vet, etc).
it would be good if op says whether or not he helps raise the younger child. it would be good if they got outside help to train them to raise them both.
@@jacksparrowismydaddy why do you think he didn’t rise the younger one? Why do you assume he dosnt help? Like that’s so dumb. The man sees his oldest child is hurting, he sees that they are focusing on the youngest and not the oldest.
@@jacksparrowismydaddy Yeah Ithink you bring up a good point, there's a chance he's not helping out as much as he could with the kids in general. I still think it's an ESH situation though, if he's not being responsible for his own kids then he's not going to be responsible for the cat either and if that's what's happening then yeah, the mom has every reason to be angry.
Story 1: NTA. I feel so sorry for your Daughters. Daughter #1 is having her childhood stripped away from her. She can’t go over to friends house, her friends can’t come to hers and nothing is hers. And Daughter #2 isn’t being raised, she’s being managed. Obviously autism isn’t a easy thing to deal with but it doesn’t mean “stupid”. It means they learn differently, she’s not learning.
No, ESH is the correct verdict. OP and his bratty wife raised a bratty daughter ("autistic" daughter). I've met plenty of pare-runts who raised a hellion due to inconsistent parenting, neurodivergent or no. The elder daughter will become the black sheep and/or Mommy #2 because Mommy #1 and OP couldn't keep their pants on. Meanwhile, the kitten gets put into a dangerous environment with Hellion and Mommy.
@Gi Gi I mean, the wife is kinda the Villain here. She refuses to do anything for the younger daughter. Yes, Dad with the Kitten may have been a misstep, but it seems like the Mom won't do anything for the older daughter if it risks upsetting the younger. She may love both her kids equally, but it seems like she is just saying no to eldest They(Both parents) have to learn how to manage some things. Especially letting eldest have a childhood. Kid can't even leave the house unless another adult is present. Every Autistic person is different, but unless they learn how to manage the youngest without sacrificing the love for the Eldest, the parents(especially Mom) are risking a very strained relationship. Dad is trying to mitigate that. Edit:And I may be wrong, but I strongly suspect if story was gender swapped (Mom bought Kitten, Dad took care of Kids) that Reddit would be easier on OP.
@@KittenUndercover May have been a bit harsh, which is why I said Kinda. I just have seen several examples(not just on Reddit) of parents lowering their affection for their Neurotypical Children because they can 'get by' and "Don't NEED as much attention" . The part that really got to me was the whole youngest gets "the first turn, the biggest piece and the winning ticket", and Eldest is somewhat cut off from Friends. Now that seems to be both parents because OP doesn't deny it in post or comments on Reddit. OP was just overcorrecting. I feel like Mom isn't correcting at all. I get she's burnt out, OP is as well. She is a SAHM, and OP works as much as he can to keep afloat but avoids extra time at work so he can have max time at home so he can try to be a good Dad.
Non verbal = low IQ. This is a fact. She will understand very basic stuff at most but will never be able to care for herself. If she’s as violent as they act she is, they need a helper or to send her to housing for special needs.
Wow that biomom; not only doesn't she support the children she spawned, she wants to take money from them, too. And the rest of her family's ok with that... That could be college money. That could be business-starting money. That could be emergency medical money, but no. SHE has to have it because she's special and society's rules and norms don't apply to her. My favorite author had a phrase in one of their books: "you are a creature that eats his own young."
Story 4: NTA. What does she think would happen if she exposed what she said? A judge will be like “you can’t manipulate me!”? All that is still true and OP has the right not to be disrespected and belittled. This was a warning not a threat.
Agree, though the commenter who said that the mom will have the right to decide when and if MIL sees the kid is potentially giving very bad advice. Many states have grandparents rights laws that can force a parent to give visitation rights to grandparents. Like for a divorce (with spouse) document every interaction between you and in laws if its potentially contentious.
@@duanesamuelson2256 She said while the children were in her care, meaning if they get divorced the grandparents will see the kids only when the husband has them, whereas if MIL is nicer she would let her see them more often, not sure but don't think they can sue for visitation unless they are being denied access by both parents. Personally I think he's having an affair.
@@duanesamuelson2256 what arlene clarke said, plus, the if the grandma gets visitation rights, you can bet OP won't let her have a second more, so it would be limited to once a week, or once a month, instead of whenever she wants to see the kids. Also, why isn't grandma watching the kids so OP and hubby can work on their marriage, instead of yelling at OP that she should be OK with the double standards of parenthood her husband is setting?
Story 1 OP was right to get his daughter a kitten. Kittens are not difficult to care for. I am just concerned that the autistic daughter will hurt the kitten badly. If OP's daughter is so badly autistic that she is aggressive and unmanageable she needs to be in a specialised facility with trained staff who can manage her. It sounds horrible but if the child is so badly out of control she is only going to get worse. The siblings of children with disabilities are often pushed aside and have their needs neglected.
No he wasn’t. Kittens are not that easy to care for and he put more stress on his already stressed out wife. He’s not an AH for wanting to do something for his older daughter but he handled it poorly. Nobody is the AH here..the OP and his wife are just two people who are in over their heads. But subjecting a living creature to that was a bad choice. He put a living, breathing band aid on a gaping wound.
Story 1 Both parents are AH. “I feel partially to blame” no you are to blame you do nothing to help ensure the oldest child has a social life your wife clearly needs help.
I'm going with an ESH verdict. Yes, the father might be trying to do better now, but getting her a pet won't magically make everything right with her world and it won't give her back those years of lost childhood and neglect she's suffered.
First story no matter what you do you're always going to be the a hole in the eyes of the commenters and in the eyes of your wife and oldest daughter. You're trying to find a compromise here it seems to me like your wife either is so overwhelmed that she won't even give you a compromise when it comes to your oldest daughter and you finally doing something that makes your oldest daughter happy that your wife can't handle it. You're not in the wrong here but this is one of those situations where either you and your wife need to get additional help maybe even a nanny to take off pressure from both of you so you both can bond with your oldest daughter even for a few hours at a time. And to be honest if she's not willing to compromise with you then you may have to put your oldest daughter ahead of the non-verbal daughter even temporarily and just file for a period of separation because this is only going to get worse as time progresses. If you choose your wife and your nonverbal autistic daughter you're going to lose your oldest daughter and you're going to look back like I should have made time for her and I should have did more for her. And if you choose your oldest daughter your wife is going to divorce you for this. Either way you're in the lose lose situation. So you might want to prepare yourself which is more important obviously you're trying to find compromises here but when it comes to people on reddit they're going to make you the whole even though you're not or not even close to one
Mom in story one is a poor excuse. I have TWO girls with Autism (one severe and nonverbal with OCD and ADHD and one moderate) with severe behavioral issues and a toddler and guess what? NONE OF THEM ARE IGNORED OR NEGLECTED. You DO NOT prioritize a child with disabilities to the point of letting the other child(ren) fall through the cracks. 🤬
The first story father is NTA. The man just wants to let his daughter know he loves them both instead of favoring his youngest over the oldest. I know those same YTA comments would gladly support the oldest daughter for going no contact with her parents for emotionally neglecting her.
If you live in the US, go to the department of health & welfare & inquire about any funding/help. You’re may qualify for something like respite care, in home help, medical funds &/or therapies for the autistic child... There’s a group (for want of a better description) that is a type of child & adult daycare for the disabled. They’re partially funded by the government. It’s low cost to free if the child/adult qualifies for Medicare, otherwise it’s about $50 a day. Those attending the program learn life skills, coping skills plus more.
last story, there are plenty of places willing to hire those with a criminal record lady just needs to suck it up that it'll be shit like walmart and fast food
Well yeah she has every right to ,but mom is doing what she can and so is dad,as much as she will grow with resentment ,no one asks to be in this situation .The parents are doing their best.
NTA 1) he’s trying. A kitten is a good idea Becuase it makes the oldest one happy. The kitten can run abs hide from the youngest if it’s scared. The oldest wants something that loves her . She knows her family loves her but she wants soemthinf that’s hers
A kitten in a home with a kid that has violent outbursts is a *HORRIBLE* idea. The younger sister on the spectrum could get seriously out of hand and take it out on the kitten. Plus that’s an extra responsibility in a household that’s clearly already struggling really proves that the dad was only thinking short term. “We can’t handle our youngest, expect our oldest to look after her, but let’s get a kitten!” Come on.
Pinky Blinky.. I could not agree more, for those of us that are parents, we are the ones that are supposed to sacrifice for our children, not the other way around. If you're not prepared to do so, then don't have kids.
Sister: NTA, telling the sister anything about the money is very foolish, and the rest of the family is awful for saying you should give up that money.
Dad needs to leave his wife the Becky story, NTA. The wife's friends are just upset cuz they probably had to deal with Becky's mess. Let them take care of her.
Brother story: nta, he “swung” first, but op made his punch connect. And the mom with the tag in rko slammed him. To Seb: looks is what peaks ppls intrests at the start, when no words have been exchanged. How you act and you carry yourself along with your morals is what makes ppl stick around. Looks ain’t everything. And move out man.
Seriously! I had to rewind to double check his age wasn't 17 not freaking 37. A guy could look like a young Micky Rourke but if he acts anything like this narrow-minded man-child who can't even hold in his stupid around anyone (but especially someone like a siblings s.o.) I'm turning into the Sahara and avoiding the fool at all costs.
She doesn’t sound like someone who never made fun of OPs wife, but sounds like a total fair weather friend. I have a feeling that she talks mad crap behind OPs wife back whenever she does anything to upset her…like not answer her every demand.
Sebastian is the typical neckbeard. Theyre homely and they know it, and rather than manage expectations, and realize theres someone out there for everyone, and never say never, but youre probably not going to pull someone that looks like they could be in Playboy or even Maxim. Instead of just accepting this, they will just target someone who is out of their league looks wise, and pounce. They will be try corny shit first, and when that advice their online guild gave them doesnt work, they get aggressive and inappropriate and sometimes the beautiful woman will try to be nice so as not to embarrass them but still drop some hints. They of course know exactly what these hints mean but ignore them to the point the person blows up on them and embarrasses, but even then if its privately, Neckbeard will then start to act like theyve had some terrible crime committed against them, and start being even more aggressive and attacking them with insults. Everything that they do is repulsive, all because they refuse to accept who they are, and just try to be happy. They also tend to hold a grudge against anyone that isnt a lame loser like them.
This is why I roll my eyes when I hear, “I am a nice guy. Why no one wants to date me?” I’m like probably because 1. Being nice is the bare minimum and 2. You’re most likely a jackass. There are some dudes who are socially awkward yes…but I am talking about dudes like Sebastian.
Father is NTA. Glad he is doing something for his neglected child while also being the only one who works in the family. I am sickened that people are saying YTA to this man. I bet if he had given into the wife and taken the cat away or never gave the daughter the cat he would have been called YTA by those same people.
The daughter would have been on AITA in the future asking is she the asshole for cutting them off for taking away her one bit of joy like we have seen it a hundred times
@@anymous8407 exactly! Father is trying to do what he can. he admits his wife is struggling and that he is as well but that the oldest can't just be forgotten about. Yet they call him the ****** and say why aren;t you doing more
1st story - commenters who assume that the father has never done a thing to help and never will. DO these morons know 1. There is a character limit when posting thse stories and 2. most adults try everything and do everything they can before resorting to asking for help. Their first call is always 'lazy Dad', 'overwhelmed Mum'. While bringing a cat into a house with a violent autistic child may not be the best course, the older daughter will probably be a great carer for that animal. She already knows that some living beings need a lot of attention. The father is right - the older daughter is being neglected.
Something to add for the last story is if the state ever got wind of the op sending money to his sister, not only would the both of them get into trouble because of fraud, but they would lose the kids anyway,
Fourth story obviously you're not in the wrong here but you need to prepare yourself for the inevitable this marriage is over and there's a possibility that he's having an affair. The fact that your mother-in-law was on your side in the beginning tells me everything I need to know. I think your mother-in-law is more angry at you because you were going out all night with friends drinking and partying to where she's not having it. You may need to have a more in-depth conversation with your mother-in-law about it because she's not going to let this go and even if her son is doing what you're doing you're both doing damage to your children by making them casualties in your war. You're not in the wrong here but when your mother-in-law said that she will use what you said to her against you you may want to take that seriously because that could be damaging not just to you when it comes to your family but your children and your friends and his family as well and they may actually take his side and this as well. Even though he's not the attentive parent especially at night times you may be unintentionally causing somewhat of emotional harm to your children by not being there. Especially if they're not used to it. You're not in the wrong here but you need to be careful because you say that judge will not allow the father to have custody I wouldn't be so sure especially if both parents are playing tit for tat and situations like this
1st story that guy was being a good Papa!. Baby girl has been standing like a proper hero for years and soldiering on!! She deserves a pet!. Not perfect but do the very best you can GoodDad
'wife makes my daughter sacrifice everything' Was an ESH from the tittle, why is the wife the only one involved? OP talks about the autistic child like she is the wife's, If YOU need to be there then f*cking be there. Your wife is telling you pretty plainly she needs help. And buying kittens is the complete opposite of help!
I'm single and was working 12 hour night shifts and couldn't find time to do much of anything. I hadn't had my hair cut in two years because someone was always calling off work and I would be forced to cover them. I made appointments and canceled them until I just stopped making them. I told my supervisor about needing time off to get my wisdom teeth removed and he expected me back at work two days later when I'd told him I needed a week off. He then told my coworkers I just was milking it to have the weekend off and set them against me. I made enough to live off of and save but it was grinding me to dust. After three years I finally quit to save myself. Having a wife and two kids, one of which is disabled, unless his job pays extremely well he is working as much as he has to and mourning the state of everyone in his family. His wife has agency, his wife is putting the youngest first in everything, his eldest has nothing. Was it the best decision? probably not but it sounds like he is desperate to see his little girl happy. Children her age have been known to commit suicide due to bullying from kids at school, she's living it every single second of her life. The experiences she is having now will destroy her ability to bond with friends and lovers later and it will perpetuate her feelings of abandonment and worthlessness if this isn't addressed and sorted out now.
Story1: ESH. Hard to tell if OP or his wife is worse. Doesn't matter, they are both failing as parents. Raising the youngest into an entitled monster, at the expense of the oldest. Getting the kitten over his wife's objections was a coward's move. Grow a spine and pick a fight with her, FFS. Besides this doesn't solve the root of the problem, and could even make things worse! I really hope the brat doesn't end up abusing the poor kitty.
How about you choose your words a bit more carefully? The 'brat' (JFC) sounds like my cousin's kid, based on the brief description. She's nine. Her mental development skills are never going to progress past 2.5 - 3. She's never going to be 'high functioning' like I am and my children are. It's nobody's 'fault'. Not hers, not her mother's, and not the other children in the family's. Pick a fight with the wife? Over what? Not being able to jam 36 hours into the day? For being up to her eyeballs in stress that he just dumped a cat on top of her to care for while he and the other child are in school/at work? That's going to solve a lot. OH he *suggested* they bring in help. Cool. Is it possible? Sure. So is learning how to fly a plane in a week. ANYTHING is possible, but that doesn't make it realistic or feasible monetarily or logistically. There's only a very small number of carers and care facilities that are legally allow to take a child with this degree of need. They all have wait list, some up to ten years. My cousin pays 58k (income over 36k for a family of four immediately cuts 3/4 of any government resources, by the way, and the sliding scale ones that are left are few and far between, not to mention poorly funded with huge wait lists) a year out of pocket for OT therapy and part time (every other week, 36 hours per visit) ASD care - ONLY. When they could afford in home care, it was almost double, and they were on the waiting list for five years. Put the youngest in a care facility? Not that easy. Some jurisdictions will not ALLOW you to put your child in a full time facility unless certain criteria are met, and then you're looking at mid six figures that insurance WILL NOT COVER per year. Therapy? If insurance covers it, they're going to be lucky to see 10 sessions, and I doubt they'll see that, because this requires a specific set of specialists for the parents and oldest child. You have the 300$ per person, per hour for individual, marriage, and family therapy (1200$ a week, four to six month waiting period). The whole thing sucks, but rather than calling names and tramping all over the mother and the kid who the system has failed, and encouraging a father who runs on emotion and logical fallacies to pick a fight with his wife over his kid who's also a victim of the same crappy situation, how about you go rail against the actual system that failed them. Or, I don't know, stop being an ignorant idiot.
1st OP- it sounds like the younger daughter’s issues are more than your wife and older daughter can handle. I’d suggest getting an in home carer to support your wife. She obviously can not manage your current situation. Both children are suffering. Your wife is being selfish. She can’t do it all at the expense of her older daughter. It’s unfair and unkind. Especially to the poor cat.
Why is it always assumed that muscles =stupid lol? Im built like the incredible hulk and have a phd in cybersecurity, my physique has no impediment on my smarts lol.
First story stand by your oldest. Mom has allowed the youngest in the behavior & should have put control on bad when started. Not all kids with autism is like this. Different spectrums. There’s an old saying about double standards. Men can do whatever but us women aren’t allowed to. Well that’s wrong. We women have right also. Being a mother can be stressful at times, heck it can also be for grandmothers raising their grandchildren. We need time off.
She never allowed anything,she is doing the best she can ,so is he. It's a tough place to be in,this was a fix not a solution and it might end badly .He could focus on the oldest so mom can join a support group get training, so they can have a routine but these parents are just doing their best ,I cannot judge them.
As an autistic person, I can not stand when parents spoil their autistic child and neglect their neurotypical child! My autism wasn't severe enough to make me need constant care and I didn't actually get diagnosed until the age of 19, though I definitevely would have needed some accomidations growing up (that I didn't get because of my lack of a diagnosis) they sure as hell shouldn't have been at my sisters expence!
*Even autistic* (or otherwise "handicapped" children), *NEED TO LEARN HOW TO BEHAVE! THEMSELVES!* My family has been "gifted" with an inordinate percentage of autistic people, and those who've received *both prompt and proper diagnoses & educations are _VERY easy to differentiate* from those who haven't been given such interventions! One mildly autistic person was coddled, excused, pampered, and NEVER, _EVER_ held accountable for their actions, both mild & major. They grew into a lying, stealing, grifting, alcoholic. Despite earning a college degree, they never managed to offer much financial assistance to tneir family, as they "couldn't work for other people." instead, they lived, most of their adult life, on the basic wages of their poorly-educated spouse. They called themself an "inventor," & spent their time (and money, which they could ill afford to lose) by designing peculiar, useless, and basically unsellable "inventions," while trying to con other people out of _THEIR_ money. A state license was also earned (for which the testing is remarkably easy), then they would agree to do jobs for people at a wonderful price, take the money, then never finish the jobs. That was *VERY sad,* as this person actually _COULD_ do excellent work, but always insisted *"I'LL DO IT MY WAY!"* which was invariably either illegal, dangerous, simply _WOULD NOT WORK,_ *OR ALL THREE OF THOSE!* Miraculously, no jail time was ever involved. During one period of this person's life, an actual "professional" job was located which seemed a PERFECT fit for their unique talents. Alas, when others at the workplace realized that the huge coffee mug (complete with a "sippy-lid"), _AND_ the mid-sized ice chest they brought to work, DAILY just _DID NOT CONTAIN_ innocuous fluids (such as the iced coffee they claimed it was), but *instead held ONLY BEER!* From start of each day to closing time: *Sip. Sip. Sip.* (Did you know that it's possible to drink 12-15, 20-ounce beers in any one 8-hour day?) *The supervisors WERE NOT AMUSED!* Believe it or not, this, too, was *JUST ONE MORE EXAMPLE OF "I'LL DO IT MY WAY!"* Various cousins, also mildly autistic, were once again _NOT TAUGHT HOW TO BEHAVE!_ They were rarely able to "work for other people for more than a few weeks at most." They, too, just like the first example, are very self-centered, and rather socially inept. On the other hand, a couple of generations further along the line, more "autustic children" (both moderately AND severely affected), were PROMPTLY DIAGNOSED, & the parents sought & received education on how to deal with this "roadblock." They produced some very bright & functional people. Last I heard, they were in college & doing well, thanks to prompt intervention and CONSISTENCY. _EVERY_ PERSON *MUST* BE _TAUGHT HOW TO BEHAVE_ IN OUR CROWDED WORLD, AS WE ARE *ALL,* _BASICALLY,_ *NOTHING BUT SAVAGES!*
One option for the child who wants the kitten is to be taken by dad to a local shelter to give her some kitten contact and the kitties get some socializing. No extra work for mom and no worry for the kitties safety.
Kitten story. I hope he doesn’t get rid of the kitten but hopefully he steps up and takes care of it. No reason he can’t feed and water and take care of litter box and buying food. Also, start teaching daughter how to take care. I would be worried about wife getting rid of it when nobody else is home.
Everybody, is losing here except the youngest daughter. The mother sucks but, I bet, is trying her best. Father isn't around enough to help mother significantly with the youngest one and doesn't see the whole situation. Oldest is just screwed by chance. They need family therapy. Mother needs help with the young daughter. Dad needs to work less and help more. Mother could even get a job. I bet she'd love to get the hell out of there even if for a while. Youngest needs discipline and oldest love. This situation is bad all over.
ESH for story one but I understand where the dad is coming from. He wants to give joy to his eldest daughter but he did not logically think through anything. A kitten needs care which will be on the parents' shoulders until the daughter is at an age where she can handle full responsibility (she's 7). The other problem is that the youngest daughter is aggressive so the kitten is at risk. Third, animals are not gifts you give to people. They are living beings who have specific needs. I'm not going to discuss the problems with the wife because it is so obvious that there isn't any point since more than one comment is going to address it. But both parents do have a problem with putting their foot down. Just because a kid is autistic doesn't mean you let them get their way. And just because a kid wants a pet doesn't mean you should go get one without actually thinking about what work would need to be done to make everyone in the household comfortable.
@@anymous8407 That may be what happens. The environment is too dangerous since the sister is aggressive. And mom isn't going to be any help since she is willing to sacrifice so much of her oldest child's childhood already, thus, she won't protect her oldest and the kitten. Heck, mom might give the kitten away anyway when he is at work. The solution is that both parents need to step up in their parenting. There are books and studies online. If they have the finances and the luck, there are resources. Because the only other scenario I see is them living in separate households and switching children every 2 weeks.
There must be more to the first story, I think. Having an autistic sibling is not an eternal burden to the family as long as everyone in the family helps each other to cope and teach that sibling. It’s normal for the mom to feel overwhelmed. A cat is a huge responsibility, which OP hasn’t really explained why he feels his daughter is ready for a pet other than ‘she’s wanted one badly.’ I bet the mom is worried about the responsibility of taking care of the cat falling onto her. As a sibling to my autistic younger sister who used to be nonverbal, I get having to be more accommodating but behavioral issues can be managed as long as everyone in the family puts effort into it. My younger brother even has a cat that he’s adopted a year ago. The cat used to fear my sister bc she used to chase him around, but with a lot of patience and guidance from us, she also learned how to give the cat space. My sister loves the cat deeply and asks my mom for a cat of her own now.
First story as a grandmother with a high functioning low functioning autistic boys. I'm very empathetic to you and your wife. But you got to focus in on the other child too. And you need to decide what you're going to do with your daughter as an adult because her sister isn't going to take her and you'll be lucky if your sister is even going to be around her. You need to get some counseling for your wife to help her deal with this inappropriate way. If not your kids going to grow up and you guys are never going to see her again. One of the things my daughter has done from day one is never let the other kids stop being kids, or having a life.
They likely can't afford the therapy, Judy. If this is in the US, and they're above the income threshold, the best they're going to get is 10 sessions TOTAL. The whole situation sucks, TBH, but there's literally only pain in the future here unless by some miracle the US gets it's shit together and starts providing appropriate therapy and care for people with special needs children.
#1 Why are comments saying that the dad is BAD?? These commenters want the older daughter to be put in a room and ignored so that younger daughter can thrive and have the whole world at her feet!! God forbid if the older daughter should be mentioned at any time and be of any importance in this family!! Right commenters?? !!
@@tracim3080 Even if that were true, how is the 7 year old going to buy cat litter and cat food, hmm? You are not considering all the steps it takes to take care of an animal. And a 7 year old certainly can't train a cat to not claw on furniture.
@@scorpiocarnage1055 umm who said she has to pay for that? I’m not expecting her to get a job and pay for the supplies but she can do the actual caring for the cat. Not sure why you thought that automatically means paying for shit. That’s not what caring for something is. Also kids can be great animal trainers. Clearly you never grew up around farming communities. There are clubs that teach kids how to train sheep, goats, horses and cows.
@@tracim3080 The paying for stuff is part of taking care of the cat. You can't say she is taking care of the cat if she can't acquire the cat's basic needs. That is honestly like saying you're raising a child but you can't acquire anything of a child's basic needs. It's not just finances but I include finances because you need to be able to afford to be able to take care of anything. And who honestly expects a 7 year old to do the heavy lifting in regards to a pet? I can understand someone older, like a teen. But 7? Not to mention, this little girl already has to be responsible in regards to her sister but you want to throw another responsibility on her shoulders? Pets don't solve problems and it's ridiculous to think they can.
Wonder if cat cafés are in their area, they (mom and older daughter) can bond there to relax without being overwhelmed about cleaning up after the cats.
The last story. OP needs to call CPS and tell them what the bio mom said. At the very least, it'll be documented. At the worst, she'll end up in jail and won't be homeless.
1. Kid's gonna be extra devastated when the autistic kid kills the kitten one day. If the kid is that bad then a carer is needed or one of the children needs to leave the house and get some real parenting. 2. Oh no... Sebastian's an incel in the making. Good luck, OP. Anything you say to those types is never wrong. 3. I love a story where the MIL is the hero not the villain. Becky is a disaster and anything you do to keep her away from your wife is the right thing. Punt her into the sun. 4. Honestly, girl, you should have just got the divorce the first time the giant red flags appeared. Not too late though! 5. So, it's recreational 'medication' then? Blocking her and making sure everyone knows she harrased you for drg money is the start. Leaving the family blocked might be necessary though. Kiddo will get over it.
I have I have autism and I've never acted this way towards my siblings my mum would never favour one over the other this mum should probably get used to the idea that her eldest daughter probably going to go no contact with her when she can
I'm thinking if the reason the sister lost her kids is so bad that OP won't even mention it, money and kids probably are only two things on a growing, long list of things she shouldn't be entrusted with.
S1, Op please contact your local authority for a specialist school for your youngest daughter ,and both you and your wife need to spend 1 on 1 time with your oldest child otherwise when both of you are gone ,your youngest daughter won't have a carer in her future ,because her older sister won't want to look after her sister .Op please look up local support groups for your youngest daughter to go to ,she needs to learn that not everyone will cut her some slack if she causes damage to public property or someone else property and that could land you in trouble with the law and the courts .ESH
I'm sorry and it may be cold but if your child is that bad with Autism maybe it's time to put her in a home that handles that kind of care. It's not fair to the older child at all. Hell it's not fair to the mom either in the end. She will only get bigger/stronger/and worse as the years go by. You see stories everyday where really bad things happen as a result of this condition.
The last story is such a huge NTA. Social services is about reunification, and there is such a low bar for being a parent. So if the mother is literally prevented from seeing her child, it's because she puts the child's physical or mental health at risk. I volunteer with CPS and the D- parenting that is legally acceptable is infuriating sometimes. More importantly, the government offers resources in order to get parents back on their feet (rehab, counseling, job/housing assistance) in order to help them to reunify with their kids. The sister has no right to the kids' money. Even if OP doesn't need to use it now, she should put it into a college fund for their future. If the family is so desperate to give her assistance, they can reach into their own pockets.
It is highly difficult to find people able and willing to help out when you have autistic children with challenges at this level. They both need a break and truly need to research the options available. It amazes me how it is basically by accident that you find out what assistance is available for parents of children of cerebral palsy and the like. The name changes, but the level of care required is much the same. Joining support groups sometimes gives you access to what programs others use, are likely available for you and how to proceed with accessing them, even if you aren't necessarily going there for support but for information.
OP in story one: his heart is in the right place but he put an attention-needing band aid on a gaping wound. Neither of them is capable of handling their children at the moment..they all need help.
I’m not just worried about the older daughter in the first story, but also the kitten as well. The younger daughter has a history of violent outbursts and destroying toys. To her, the sister’s new cat is just another toy she can’t have. I’m worried about this family.
Exactly
So am I!
even if she can see it's not a 'toy' she has already learned she is allowed to destroy things that belong to the sister, so she probably will have no qualms with hurting it if she can hurt her sister through it.
Or she'll demand to have the kitten herself. Mom will suddenly want the kitten. Older sis would be expected to do all the care like litter box or food and water still but won't have any play time with kitten because it'd be lil sis's and older will be expected to be okay with it. If kitty doesn't like lil sis I could see mom wanting to get rid of the kitty or the kitty will "run away" one day.
If I was the daughter resent the mother
Story 1 is exactly how you raise a neurodivergent child with entitlement issues. Autistic kids do need different levels of care, even compared to other autistic kids as autism is different for everyone who has it, but giving them everything they want and not putting normal boundaries that’d be placed with any other human being will ruin that child. The parents really need to figure out how to fix the situation they are in. ESH because both parents have allowed their oldest to flounder to meet the needs of the youngest, and that kitten is in an unsafe household since the youngest has issues with aggression.
OP may be trying, can't really tell. I did everything for our asd child to hp her live as independent and have normal relationships. He coddled her, used her diagnosis as excuses for her bad behavior, refused to join in on her therapy sessions saying "therapy is to fix her not me" even put her in programs for low functioning individials when our daughter wasn't. Just so he could parader her around and act like a savior. But then turn around and chastise and punish her for normal stemming behaviors.
To this day I want to bitch slap him.
If OPs wife is refusing to see what she is doing is hurting both kids, little he can do. Doubt he would get custody if he divorced.
Some autistic kids are completely unaware and unable to understand.
The variation is great, if they aren't high functioning they can have mental impairements.
As in being mentally 4 forever, non verbal, oversensory issues and stimms not in control.
They can even not be attached to ppl or even be aware of others.
They reality is that probably should be putting that kid in a care facility but they are in the USA this is absolutely unpayable
Animals have been proven to help children with autism. It could be helpful for the other child as well.
@@ButtonsCasey And harmful to the animal.
@@ButtonsCasey Since the younger daughter has a history of aggression towards the older daughter and also a history of destroying the older daughter's toys, it's possible she will do the same to that kitten. Yes, older daughter needs much more attention, but risking the life of an innocent kitten makes OP *and* his wife both AH's. I can't say ESH because both children and the kitten are innocent. It's the parents' fault for not seeking professional help with teaching their younger daughter how to deal with her frustrations.
First story ticked me right off. I have two autistic boys. They're just under two years apart (not intentionally, birth control failed). It can be EXTREMELY hard to teach autistic children to take turns, be gentle, and share, but it can be done. You have to set rules in place, and keep them consistent. You have to teach them that no means no. Even with a non-verbal four-year-old, mirroring a situation can be very effective (if they break a sibling's toy, one of their own is removed at the same time, to show that when a broken toy goes away, a nice one goes away too; "you don't hit people, do you want people to hit you? If it's good for you to do, then it's good for sibling to do to you."; "you got to pick first last time, now it's somebody else's turn, then it'll be your turn again." "You can share it, or it can go away/ you can have a little, or you can have no." "If *inappropriate behavior child likes* is yes, then *opposing behavior child doesn't like* is yes.") Sometimes you have to use creative phrasing to get your point across, but the important part is to make bad behavior have a consequence the child will want to avoid. I raised both my autistic boys and my non-disabled daughter with this mindset, and my kids are polite and respectful of people, animals, and objects (for the most part. They're kids, mistakes are made, accidents happen, and opportunities to fix the problem or make up for it are offered). And for reference, my oldest is turning eighteen this year, his brother just turned sixteen. We still struggle some days, but having established boundaries that don't get changed without a discussion helps a LOT.
As an adult autistic person who had to figure it out how to function adequately in society on their own, I applaud you, you sound like an totally amazing mom! I’m sure you’ve saved your children so much pain in the long run :D
@@capybaraconlimon6754 Thank you so much! It's not easy to find yourself an unprepared adult in any way, but social skills are super hard to figure out on your own (my mom was super overprotective, so I have issues with social interactions too). I hope things have gotten easier for you as you've gained experience, and that you've been able to build yourself a support system, and I hope things will keep getting easier for you as time goes on. Best of luck to you!
This is where my mind was going. Things will be rough enough with a kid that severely autistic, but when she's given zero boundaries and everyone in her would made to cater to her, she's going to be an absolute monster when she gets older.
And that's not even touching on the gross injustice of how the older child is being neglected and forced to "sacrifice" (real sacrifice is a *choice*, not imposed by another. Then it's just stealing). That teaches her she is of no value as anything other than a servant and punching bag while it teaches the younger one that it's her right to abuse her sister.
I'm almost willing to say at this point the youngest could probably benefit from a more institutional setting if her behavior is so far out of control
Good for you. Your situation isn't this one. This child is likely never going to be able to reach your vaulted level of conformation bias. Care to tell my cousin, who's nine year old will never function above the mental age of 2.5 - 3 (she's also going through premature maturation right now, a situation that you biologically will never have to apply to your children) that she just has to 'be more firm'? I'm sure she can squeeze 36 hours into the day, because you said so. AsD is a SPECTRUM for a reason, and yes the lower end of it looks exactly like this. You know what the answer here absolutely wasn't? Dropping a kitten off and whistling back to work, telling yourself that a child who's legally required to be in school eight hours a day while you yourself are gone isn't going to do anything but exacerbate the situation. He suggested bringing in outside help? May as well suggest they pop off to France tomorrow for the weekend. Both options are 'possible', it doesn't mean either are realistic from a technical or financial perspective. This is the reason why my children and I (all on the spectrum) avoid the ASD community like the plague. Your confirmation bias and intercommunity ableism is really damaging, and could become dangerous. Your situation is your situation, and this situation isn't yours (and frankly, is a small snippet of the actual reality of this family).
Going off vitrolic and judgey isn't going to help anyone except make you feel "good" in your own self righteousness, "Life isn't static". If you're trying to educate and spread awareness that isn't the way to do it. And seriously?? "a situation you biologically will never have to apply to your children"? You don't know that, so that was completely uncalled for.
Leave your wife and take care of your oldest. I went through this and I still need therapy
Yeah, a kitten ain’t gonna fix this!
That what I'm saying
That's easy for you to say bc you don't take the perspective of the wife into account.
You only see and project what you suffered.
What are the moms options ?
Yeet her autistic child to the streats ? Abandon the kid to relatives ?
Abandoning or giving up parental rights will open and investigation and they might all the kids.
Or put it in a care facility which is the only legal way and it's also an impossible to pay, way to do it.
And still involves abandoning the kid.
Both parents could be unable afford to pay for special care if in the USA, that would cost them 10 of thousands a year.
The father gave her something to compensate his absence and emotional neglect, like rich parents buy their kids stuff to compensate for them caring.
Not only is the kitten now in danger but also an extra responsability and i'm willing to bet op is not gonna care for it but dump it on his wife and that's why she didn't want it.
Op didn't fix the issue, which is finding care, working less hours, asking help from extended family, see If they qualify for some aid.
Anything to solve the issue
instead he gave her cat.
How does that change anything ??
It won't be long before his wife suffers from care takers burn out.
And then any number of crazy things can happen.
And I've been parentified so I'm not speaking from a privileged place.
Everyone seems so self centered on their own issues or having a tunnel vision view of the actual problems.
@@greyscalesx Yeah, instead of divorcing his overwhelmed wife, (or getting a kitten) he should be looking into respite care.
Yeah, alternative option tho: get the wife a freaking job to afford an actual caretaker for your neurodivergent child. Because it's very obvious wife is not enough and oldest is not the neurodivergent child's freaking mother and shouldnt be parentified. Neurodivergent child needs better care too, and oldest needs an actual family. OP needs to put his foot down, for real this time, and if being a SAHM is so much for wife, then she needs to work and afford an actual caretaker.
Edit, just in case: There's nothing wrong with being a SAHM but I think it's important to realize when it's sustainable and when it's not. And in this case, it's not. And I know there's a lot of stigma around care facilities, and the whole "You're abandoning your child!!!!" Thing, aside of the fact that they cost thousands. But it's still something that has to be considered, and if you cant take proper care of your child, it's no different to neglecting them already.
In a respectable facility they have specialists, people inside to ensure that they'd move and disturb as minimal as possible the routine of the children, and take proper care of them. A common house doesnt have those things. And equip the home with all of that still would cost the same. They're fighting against the current here, and honestly, they're neglecting both children.
Story 1: There are a lot of support systems both private and government run for autistic children. Take advantage of them. The 5 year old needs to be in therapy, PT and OT. Autistic people can learn to control there emotions and recognize proper socal interactions if the parents have them work with proper professionals. The daughter should have been put in therapy as soon as she was diagnosed. If you don't intervene now both girls will have horrible greater negative outcomes as adults.
Unfortunately a kitten is not a proper intervention is this situation.
Those private and government programs have income limits and finite seats. I know of at least three people who have had their kids on waiting lists since the day they were diagnosed (one's been waiting for TEN YEARS) for the ones that aren't income based (make anymore that 38k a year as a family of four in the US, and 3/4 of your options - granted you don't live in a rural area, where resources are even MORE limited if not completely nowhere to be found - are gone). There's literally a resource shortage, especially as diagnostic criteria is becoming more expanded, thus numbers increase. Therapy for this is specialized, and priced as such. My cousin pays 58k a year out of pocket for JUST OT therapy and part time ASD care - insurance doesn't approve it or cover it. Furthermore, 'Autistic people can learn to...' is a blanket statement. Autism is a SPECTRUM disorder. Some - like myself who are high functioning - can learn to integrate, but a catch-all statement saying someone on the severe end of the spectrum will be able to, without knowing the specifics of their entire case is magical thinking, ableist and JUST as damaging as telling a paraplegic that they will absolutely be able to run. Don't do that. It's not helpful, and it's not within your scope. Saying 'just get help' is an oversimplification of a complex issue that has so many working parts that you're literally demeaning parents, caretakers, and those on the spectrum themselves.
The MIL in the 3rd story is an MVP. Helping OP's wife reduce stress and just being wonderful. Becky isn't a real friend.
I was thinking the same thing!! MIL SOUNDS FREAKING AMAZING!! I wish she was my MIL
wife thinks op should have been more gentle? i bet the mil would have kicked her out and tell not to come back until the baby is a teen or something lol
After soooooo many JustNoMIL stories this was an awesome breath of fresh air.
I loved the way OP described her. Spectacular.
Neither are the other ones calling op an ah.
Ugh, what annoys me about the comments on the first story is that reddit can't handle a dad who has recognised their wrong doing and trying to do right. They just see him as constantly being wrong no matter what they do. While I don't think getting a kitten was a good idea before sorting out autistic daughters behaviours, I get he was trying to make his wronged child happy. At the very least, he is the only parent that can see that there is a problem at all.
None of the comments made me think this. I think, while OP is admirable for looking out for his older child, he looked for a quick fix. He added another creature for his wife to look out for, without asking her, when she already seems to be at her breaking point. I agree that they’re not handling parenthood very well, but he put an attention-needing band aid on a gaping wound.
Right, he realized the problem and IS trying to fix it. It wasn’t the smartest solution, but he notices the problem and is working on it. As long as he keeps trying to improve I hope he will eventually find a better solution.
@@KittenUndercover All Op wife need to do about the kitten is to leave it alone you only need to have kitty litter, food and water which can be done at the evening when Op is home
@@joimumu Given the three kittens I'm currently raising, I have to laugh my head off at the idea that a kitten "just needs to be left alone". They need frequent socialization and mental enrichment (toys and things to climb on, etc.). They need to be trained so that they (a) use the litter box and don't just go potty wherever, (b) don't hurt the children who play with them, and (c) don't ruin household objects like sofas, chairs, or beds. Their environment needs to be adjusted so that it's safe for them -- cats will eat all manner of things they shouldn't, and go anywhere they can fit, and climb anything and everything they can manage (and then fall off it, sometimes). They can be easily spooked, they can be noisy, they can be smelly and track poo and litter all over. They can be attention-seekers who get in the way of whatever activity you thought you were doing (e.g. arts and crafts, story time, homework).
In short, they are a significant addition to the household, and not one to take on lightly, and I say that as a lifelong cat lover.
A seven-year-old is nowhere *near* old enough to care for a kitten entirely on her own, and OP was very wrong to not get on the same page with his wife *before* adding a new source of stress to her already overwhelming situation. And that's not even considering the potential harm to the kitten. You think the older daughter's gonna feel great if her baby sister actually harms or kills her brand-new furbaby?
You never *ever* bring an animal into a household without getting on the same page about it, and *especially* not if you're going to happily run off to work each day and leave the animal care to other people without their consent -- or in this case, distinctly against their will.
@@joimumu no have you ever raised a kitten without its mom,you don't just leave them alone.
Story 1. Oldest daughter is gonna grow to hate her sister and mother,she will go little to no contact with them as soon as she is 18
Now, you're speaking my language.
Which will be unfair but fair....Dad needs to focus on her honestly ,take less time at work so mum can get some training or join a support group so she is able to better manage the situation. This is the only way they will get a routine .
Story 1: ESH but the oldest, If your goal is preventing your daughter from cutting contact with you and your wife once she grows up, getting her a kitten will not be enough, "I partly blame myself for this" no shit man, this is you and your wife's fault. You need to tell your wife to stop specting your eldest daughter to make sacrifices for the youngest because is not the oldest job to make prevent her sister's agresive tamptrums. Or divorce your wife and do right by your eldest! Again, a kitten will not be enough.
Agreed I hate parents like that expect the eldest kids have drop everything to please young siblings I read lots children go no contact with parent's please divorce this creature let her have the ausitm kid, let your girl keep the kitten
@@princessstarpeach9161 But even this might not be the case. If the mother fights for custody and it's granted to her. The eldest daughter is stuck until she's the age where she can make her own decisions. In some jurisdictions that's 12 or 13. Others are 15 or 16. What should be happening here is OP should be paying into a programme that will help his severely autistic child. I know people with autism that learnt how to cope properly so that they don't have meltdowns... They are still autistic but they are able to communicate and whenever they are upset or frustrated, they utilise the coping mechanisms taught to them and they don't become violent.
OP and his wife are doing both daughters a disservice here. Speaking as somebody who has a sister who has intellectual and developmental disabilities along with behavioural problems, we don't have a close relationship whatsoever.
If it comes to divorce, the judge would most likely keep the sisters together with one parent unless OP can prove that the mother of his children is incapable... And if that is the case, OP will have custody of both girls. Now if the daughter is old enough to tell the judge which parent she wants to live with, that might help, but it will come at the cost of her not wanting anything to do with the parent who has custody of her sister.
I am an adult who grew up in this situation. If they keep going like that, the kid will be no contact in no time. I was thrown a couple bones but none of them were substantial enough to make me feel like i mattered and in the end my parents blamed me for the violent outbursts and pushed all the responsibility on me (but told my sibling i was never in charge, just responsible for whatever she did, but she didnt have to listen to me) because it was easier than accepting that they should have been home to keep me safe and that they were not parenting, but forcing me to. Im 30 now and was pushed to my limits by both my sibling and my parents and have had no contact for nearly 6 years. I wont be changing my mind. People can only take so much.
My question is if the youngest is that severaly disabled why the fuck are they not on assistant or disability so the child get rhe CARE she actually needs. Because it clear the youngest isn't getting proper care.
My son and daughter in law just had their first child (my first grand child) they have both asked me to come over 3-4 days a week and stay at their home the whole time to help her out while she adjusts to motherhood. She is a wonderful mother and I adore her. I feel so privileged to be able to have such a wonderful relationship with my DIL and feel so lucky! I love every second of the time I spend with her and my new grandson. It is sad to me to hear that MIL/DIL relationships usually aren’t good. I consider her just like my own daughter!!!
I'm happy to hear this,as my mil is awesome and I love her to bits! My own mom though,is something else .. Like I'm no contact with her. She doesn't even know my three kids,and they don't care.. I've done all in my power to be a better mom to them,then she was to me..
@@ldannu5627 You are AMAZING!!!! So often people mimic their mother or fathers behavior. It takes someone special to break that cycle. Congratulations on being a great Mom, you should be so proud. I don’t even know you and I am proud of you!!!!! And yes, my DIL and I have a similar relationship I love her to bits, also. We often joke that she is my favorite (above my son who I am very close with). So happy you found a family who loves and supports you!
@@gretatagliavia4228aaw,you made me cry,like happy cry! Thank you for your kind words ! You are a gem and a wonderful woman ! I think we'd be great friends also, as you remind me of my dear mil! Hugs n kisses, you are an angel!
@@ldannu5627 LDannu, thank you so very much for YOUR kind words, can’t say I am particularly a wonderful woman or a gem, just call things out when I see them so, I guess honest (sometimes to a fault) is a good description. But, THANK YOU!!!!! And I agree, I do think we could be very good friends since you also remind me of my DIL. Anyway, keep doing you and being a wonderful Mom and DIL!!!
@@ldannu5627 PS: You brought happy tears to me as well!!
Story 3: You did exactly the right thing in gatekeeping. This is one of the rare stories where the new parents are doing everything right, and even MIL is awesome! Yup, keep away any negative until the nursing bond is well and truly established, and milk production is back on track. This usually takes a minimum of six weeks. Stand firm, and just turn off your phone. Sounds like the three of you, plus Mom, have things firmly in hand.
By how the friends talk it sounds like they push the friend to the wife every time so they don't deal with her. The fact they don't care that op and their friend had a kid is telling of the people they are.
Yeah, "Becky" is just using the most convenient aka the least out spoken friend as a personal therapist. OP should really clap back at the other friends with something like: "My wife has priorities, Baby is first and "Becky" is a distant sixth right now" or "You guys don't (presumably) have newborns right now, you help "Becky" out for a change". Some people just don't get new parenthood, and this includes friends, employers, co-workers and even new parents on occasion.
Apparently there was an update on the first story. 5yo pushed 7yo down the stairs because she didn’t like the fact that there were toys lying around. Mom told 7yo she should have picked up the toys and that it was her fault. Dad took the older daughter and kitten is filing for divorce, and looking for full custody. Kitten is doing well and unharmed and the older daughter is much happier.
Omg, almost sounds like the mother wouldn't have been upset if the girl died from the fall.
The mother should rot in hell
First story - NTA. Stay at home parents should be the person who should calculate and take appropriate action to get harmony because that person will knows how children's will react in different scenarios. But here op wife sacrificing op's eldest daughter happiness to reach the harmony.
The unfortunately reality is that - especially in the US - 'harmony' in this kind of situation isn't available for everyone. You just have to hang on by the skin of your teeth. The situation is in dire straits, absolutely, but until the insurance companies start approving appropriate care for ASD (you get 10 OT appointments per year, after you hit your 5-20k deducible) and respite care (insurance doesn't cover that, MediCrap kinda does, but you have to be under the income ceiling) you're going to see more and more of this. I'd recommend individual, family, and marriage therapy with a specialist in special needs families, but that's likely out of reach financially as well. The whole thing just sucks.
@Gi Gi to much has been left out to judge anything. However instead of a kitten I would have gotten a large almost adult cat. It can definitely stay out of harms way of a 4 year old. And in worst case can defend itself if the need arises. Might even make an impact in the child's mind to not damage living toys.
@@pansprayers seriously depends on the state. Ex gets 60k in respite care money, full insurance etc for our special needs son.
@Gi Gi I have no issues with a cat defending itself. Yes a 4yo can corner a cat but only if the cat isn't actively evading said 4 yo.
There isn't enough information to judge anything however few animals would fit into the situation better than a cat, or are easier to assist with keeping out of the way (allowing access to high areas, the cat apartments, access to outside).
A cat with claws is far less of an issue than a dog whose only defense is teeth.
That's the situation and it's unfair to hear as a third party but that's the situation she is in and she is doing her best. Dad I wish would focus on the oldest ,so at the very least mum can get some training to ease things for her.They are American so the care might be expensive but the classes and support groups I am sure are not.
Story 1. I love how no one ever seems to acknowledge the sacrifice it takes to allow one parent to stay at home with the kids. The long hours, the stress of knowing your whole family is dependent on you financially, the fact that you miss so much of your children's life. None of that means a damn thing, because obviously it's all about making sure mommy is okay. I know being a SAHM is tough, but can people please stop acting like daddy is off on vacation 10-12 hours a day instead of working to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table.
Providing full time care for an autistic child with violence issues isn't a good time either. The reason why neither one of them gets praised for being incredible and amazing is that at parents they both chose to take up this life.
Also, the question asked wasn't "AITA for being the breadwinner", people were staying on the topic of children development and animal safety.
Far less of a 'sacrifice' to be a single income household in 2022 than a dual income household with children (that are non-special needs). Why? Because child care is outrageously expensive (36k per year for ONE neurotypical, potty trained child where I lived), and while one job with two kids might cover the bills, two working parents with two kids are going to quickly go into debt. Being dual income is the sacrifice and the luxury these days. Not sure what the whinge fest has to do with much of anything in any of these stories though, other than an attempted vehicle for validation and backpatting.
Thank you.
But Mommy works 24 hrs a day, for free, with no breaks. Sometimes she might get a break from kids while they nap, but will probably use that time to get something done. Mommy usually is the one to take care of kids when they wake up in the middle of the night, since Dad has work and needs his sleep. That's why most kids want Mommy in the middle of the night. Daddy only works 8 hrs. Then expects Mommy to wait and dote in him when he gets home. Expects to sit down to a hot, homecookked meal, watch TV until bedtime. Meanwhile Mommy cleans up the kitchen, bathes the kids, puts them bed and collapses into her own. Yeah, that Dad working 8-10 hrs a day has it really rough.
@@sboyle536 cry a river
You don’t know what the father does when he gets home
24 hours oh please 🙄
You don’t even know what the guy does
Shut ye hell up
My point being that you have to teach limits to special children when you want to make life easier for them. You don't do them any favors by letting grow up entitled because of their disabilities. I guess that goes for all children.
Your point holds zero weight when the prognosis of the child is very poor. I know a nonverbal child on the severe end of the spectrum who will never develop past 2.5 - 3 years of age. She's freaked out by blood, and puberty just hit. Can you 'abled splain' THAT and the raging hormones to her, when her brain is permanently stuck at a toddler's understanding? Or do you simply not know what you're talking about?
Story 1: While Autistic Kids need some special help. The worst thing you can do is not teach or disabled children, that's what's happening here.
The family clearly don't know what their doing. I'm autistic and my parents gave me responsibilities and disciplined me. That's why I'm 27 and I am independent I know kids with High Functioning Autism who don't know how to do anything but act like 5 year olds.
This child isn't high functioning, and likely will not become so like you are and I am. You're unintentionally pushing your confirmation bias ('I can do it, so those with my diagnosis have no excuse') to the point of intercommunity ableism. There are things that both parents need to be doing differently here, certainly - for both children - but comparing your situation to this one is like comparing ourselves to my cousin's daughter - who is nine years old, about as low functioning as we can get, and will never be independent. It's not fair or realistic, and frankly one of the many reasons why I don't engage with the ASD community. The superiority and arrogance of thinking your system and situation works for everyone isn't helpful.
Your situation is not theirs
Breastfeeding story ,Op you did the right thing for your wife and child ,her friend would only stress your wife out and that would cause issues with feeding your child .I'm glad that your wife has a support team ,including her mil, who is a professional midwife and understands what your wife is going through is normal for some people .Your mother has stepped up to the plate and that both of you are protectioning your family members from a lot of toxic and stressful people .NTA
I read somewhere that a wife want an equal division of parenting responsibilities. After years of fighting with husband and begging him, she got a divorce and achieved the equal division she wanted.
A lifetime ago when I was a freshman in college, I was considering special ed as my major. But then I found out the reality of special education. A good special ed teacher is firm, consistent, and does not accept bad behaviour. I could not see myself as a constant disciplinarian with kids who had to learn what the rest of society knew automatically. Very, very difficult career choice if you can do it. I decided it was not for me. Parents of the disabled need all the help and support they can get.
Discipline isn’t what is the most important thing. It’s setting open expectations for behavior. Just because it’s special education does NOT mean they don’t have to be respectful appropriate and kind to one another. That’s a huge mistake parents and educators in general make when dealing with All children. If u go into it expecting them to be awful they will prove you right.
gently ESH because bringing a pet into the house is adding to the wife's workload which she already cannot handle. But the dad isn't wrong y prioritising the older daughter for once. I got my cat when I was 10, I'm turning 29 soon and she's still with me. She's the best companion and gift I've ever been given. I think he just has to compromise with the mom and take up all the adult responsibility for the kitten that the kid obviously can't (finances, taking them to the vet, etc).
I am concerned for the cat's safety.
it would be good if op says whether or not he helps raise the younger child. it would be good if they got outside help to train them to raise them both.
@@jacksparrowismydaddy why do you think he didn’t rise the younger one? Why do you assume he dosnt help? Like that’s so dumb. The man sees his oldest child is hurting, he sees that they are focusing on the youngest and not the oldest.
@@jacksparrowismydaddy Yeah Ithink you bring up a good point, there's a chance he's not helping out as much as he could with the kids in general. I still think it's an ESH situation though, if he's not being responsible for his own kids then he's not going to be responsible for the cat either and if that's what's happening then yeah, the mom has every reason to be angry.
@@shammydammy2610 Me too. I hope they can keep the cat safe :(
Story 1: NTA. I feel so sorry for your Daughters. Daughter #1 is having her childhood stripped away from her. She can’t go over to friends house, her friends can’t come to hers and nothing is hers. And Daughter #2 isn’t being raised, she’s being managed. Obviously autism isn’t a easy thing to deal with but it doesn’t mean “stupid”. It means they learn differently, she’s not learning.
No, ESH is the correct verdict. OP and his bratty wife raised a bratty daughter ("autistic" daughter). I've met plenty of pare-runts who raised a hellion due to inconsistent parenting, neurodivergent or no. The elder daughter will become the black sheep and/or Mommy #2 because Mommy #1 and OP couldn't keep their pants on. Meanwhile, the kitten gets put into a dangerous environment with Hellion and Mommy.
@Gi Gi I mean, the wife is kinda the Villain here. She refuses to do anything for the younger daughter. Yes, Dad with the Kitten may have been a misstep, but it seems like the Mom won't do anything for the older daughter if it risks upsetting the younger. She may love both her kids equally, but it seems like she is just saying no to eldest They(Both parents) have to learn how to manage some things. Especially letting eldest have a childhood. Kid can't even leave the house unless another adult is present. Every Autistic person is different, but unless they learn how to manage the youngest without sacrificing the love for the Eldest, the parents(especially Mom) are risking a very strained relationship. Dad is trying to mitigate that.
Edit:And I may be wrong, but I strongly suspect if story was gender swapped (Mom bought Kitten, Dad took care of Kids) that Reddit would be easier on OP.
@@Busefalis his wife is handling a very difficult situation poorly but she’s not a villain. Have some empathy. She’s dealing with a lot too.
@@KittenUndercover May have been a bit harsh, which is why I said Kinda. I just have seen several examples(not just on Reddit) of parents lowering their affection for their Neurotypical Children because they can 'get by' and "Don't NEED as much attention" . The part that really got to me was the whole youngest gets "the first turn, the biggest piece and the winning ticket", and Eldest is somewhat cut off from Friends. Now that seems to be both parents because OP doesn't deny it in post or comments on Reddit. OP was just overcorrecting. I feel like Mom isn't correcting at all. I get she's burnt out, OP is as well. She is a SAHM, and OP works as much as he can to keep afloat but avoids extra time at work so he can have max time at home so he can try to be a good Dad.
Non verbal = low IQ. This is a fact. She will understand very basic stuff at most but will never be able to care for herself. If she’s as violent as they act she is, they need a helper or to send her to housing for special needs.
I pray that the kitten is rehomed quickly with a loving, safe family.
🤣🤣🤣ouch
Last story: do not give their mother any money, and cull out anyone who says you should. Like you said, there’s a reason she lost them.
Wow that biomom; not only doesn't she support the children she spawned, she wants to take money from them, too. And the rest of her family's ok with that...
That could be college money. That could be business-starting money. That could be emergency medical money, but no. SHE has to have it because she's special and society's rules and norms don't apply to her.
My favorite author had a phrase in one of their books: "you are a creature that eats his own young."
Story 4: NTA. What does she think would happen if she exposed what she said? A judge will be like “you can’t manipulate me!”? All that is still true and OP has the right not to be disrespected and belittled. This was a warning not a threat.
Agree, though the commenter who said that the mom will have the right to decide when and if MIL sees the kid is potentially giving very bad advice. Many states have grandparents rights laws that can force a parent to give visitation rights to grandparents.
Like for a divorce (with spouse) document every interaction between you and in laws if its potentially contentious.
@@duanesamuelson2256 She said while the children were in her care, meaning if they get divorced the grandparents will see the kids only when the husband has them, whereas if MIL is nicer she would let her see them more often, not sure but don't think they can sue for visitation unless they are being denied access by both parents. Personally I think he's having an affair.
@@duanesamuelson2256 what arlene clarke said, plus, the if the grandma gets visitation rights, you can bet OP won't let her have a second more, so it would be limited to once a week, or once a month, instead of whenever she wants to see the kids. Also, why isn't grandma watching the kids so OP and hubby can work on their marriage, instead of yelling at OP that she should be OK with the double standards of parenthood her husband is setting?
@@FearMyLadyBits personally though I'm sure the story is one sided if things happened as told then divorce immediately
Story 1 OP was right to get his daughter a kitten. Kittens are not difficult to care for. I am just concerned that the autistic daughter will hurt the kitten badly. If OP's daughter is so badly autistic that she is aggressive and unmanageable she needs to be in a specialised facility with trained staff who can manage her. It sounds horrible but if the child is so badly out of control she is only going to get worse. The siblings of children with disabilities are often pushed aside and have their needs neglected.
No he wasn’t. Kittens are not that easy to care for and he put more stress on his already stressed out wife. He’s not an AH for wanting to do something for his older daughter but he handled it poorly. Nobody is the AH here..the OP and his wife are just two people who are in over their heads. But subjecting a living creature to that was a bad choice. He put a living, breathing band aid on a gaping wound.
@@KittenUndercover exactly
Story 1 Both parents are AH. “I feel partially to blame” no you are to blame you do nothing to help ensure the oldest child has a social life your wife clearly needs help.
Sebastian: he lives at home due to his repellent personality, and his repellance is not due to his living at home.
I'm going with an ESH verdict. Yes, the father might be trying to do better now, but getting her a pet won't magically make everything right with her world and it won't give her back those years of lost childhood and neglect she's suffered.
Hopefully now that he is starting to see his error’s he won’t let his wife bully his daughter
First story no matter what you do you're always going to be the a hole in the eyes of the commenters and in the eyes of your wife and oldest daughter. You're trying to find a compromise here it seems to me like your wife either is so overwhelmed that she won't even give you a compromise when it comes to your oldest daughter and you finally doing something that makes your oldest daughter happy that your wife can't handle it. You're not in the wrong here but this is one of those situations where either you and your wife need to get additional help maybe even a nanny to take off pressure from both of you so you both can bond with your oldest daughter even for a few hours at a time. And to be honest if she's not willing to compromise with you then you may have to put your oldest daughter ahead of the non-verbal daughter even temporarily and just file for a period of separation because this is only going to get worse as time progresses. If you choose your wife and your nonverbal autistic daughter you're going to lose your oldest daughter and you're going to look back like I should have made time for her and I should have did more for her. And if you choose your oldest daughter your wife is going to divorce you for this. Either way you're in the lose lose situation. So you might want to prepare yourself which is more important obviously you're trying to find compromises here but when it comes to people on reddit they're going to make you the whole even though you're not or not even close to one
Mom in story one is a poor excuse. I have TWO girls with Autism (one severe and nonverbal with OCD and ADHD and one moderate) with severe behavioral issues and a toddler and guess what? NONE OF THEM ARE IGNORED OR NEGLECTED. You DO NOT prioritize a child with disabilities to the point of letting the other child(ren) fall through the cracks. 🤬
NTA thank god the oldest has one person who cares about her feelings
The first story father is NTA. The man just wants to let his daughter know he loves them both instead of favoring his youngest over the oldest. I know those same YTA comments would gladly support the oldest daughter for going no contact with her parents for emotionally neglecting her.
Second story is the definition of an incel
I love the moms comment sounds like she’s sick of him too
If you live in the US, go to the department of health & welfare & inquire about any funding/help. You’re may qualify for something like respite care, in home help, medical funds &/or therapies for the autistic child...
There’s a group (for want of a better description) that is a type of child & adult daycare for the disabled. They’re partially funded by the government. It’s low cost to free if the child/adult qualifies for Medicare, otherwise it’s about $50 a day. Those attending the program learn life skills, coping skills plus more.
Honestly it sounds like they need it,some training a support group anything to help them cope,they are both not wrong this is a difficult situation.
last story, there are plenty of places willing to hire those with a criminal record
lady just needs to suck it up that it'll be shit like walmart and fast food
I hope op wife knows that when her daughter grow up she will leave and this narrative is a prick
when the eldest is an adult she will probably expect her to take the sister in when op and her can't handle her anymore.
Well yeah she has every right to ,but mom is doing what she can and so is dad,as much as she will grow with resentment ,no one asks to be in this situation .The parents are doing their best.
NTA 1) he’s trying. A kitten is a good idea Becuase it makes the oldest one happy. The kitten can run abs hide from the youngest if it’s scared. The oldest wants something that loves her . She knows her family loves her but she wants soemthinf that’s hers
A kitten in a home with a kid that has violent outbursts is a *HORRIBLE* idea. The younger sister on the spectrum could get seriously out of hand and take it out on the kitten. Plus that’s an extra responsibility in a household that’s clearly already struggling really proves that the dad was only thinking short term. “We can’t handle our youngest, expect our oldest to look after her, but let’s get a kitten!”
Come on.
@@itsjustmaddisen I said what I said.
@@ghostdragon5735
Yup. Something very special. And foolish and clearly short sighted 😂
I love how the man is always the bad guy
It almost funny when we get two stories that the only difference is the genders and we get completely 180 judgment
If I were a parent, I would never let my children make sacrifices
Pinky Blinky.. I could not agree more, for those of us that are parents, we are the ones that are supposed to sacrifice for our children, not the other way around. If you're not prepared to do so, then don't have kids.
It not always possible but 95% is because the parent/s are lazy or resentful
Good afternoon XOS. Thanks for the stories. Have a great day
Sister: NTA, telling the sister anything about the money is very foolish, and the rest of the family is awful for saying you should give up that money.
Dad needs to leave his wife
the Becky story, NTA. The wife's friends are just upset cuz they probably had to deal with Becky's mess. Let them take care of her.
Brother story: nta, he “swung” first, but op made his punch connect. And the mom with the tag in rko slammed him. To Seb: looks is what peaks ppls intrests at the start, when no words have been exchanged. How you act and you carry yourself along with your morals is what makes ppl stick around. Looks ain’t everything. And move out man.
Seriously! I had to rewind to double check his age wasn't 17 not freaking 37. A guy could look like a young Micky Rourke but if he acts anything like this narrow-minded man-child who can't even hold in his stupid around anyone (but especially someone like a siblings s.o.) I'm turning into the Sahara and avoiding the fool at all costs.
She doesn’t sound like someone who never made fun of OPs wife, but sounds like a total fair weather friend. I have a feeling that she talks mad crap behind OPs wife back whenever she does anything to upset her…like not answer her every demand.
Becky is also someone who hates being told 'No'!
Sebastian is the typical neckbeard. Theyre homely and they know it, and rather than manage expectations, and realize theres someone out there for everyone, and never say never, but youre probably not going to pull someone that looks like they could be in Playboy or even Maxim. Instead of just accepting this, they will just target someone who is out of their league looks wise, and pounce. They will be try corny shit first, and when that advice their online guild gave them doesnt work, they get aggressive and inappropriate and sometimes the beautiful woman will try to be nice so as not to embarrass them but still drop some hints. They of course know exactly what these hints mean but ignore them to the point the person blows up on them and embarrasses, but even then if its privately, Neckbeard will then start to act like theyve had some terrible crime committed against them, and start being even more aggressive and attacking them with insults. Everything that they do is repulsive, all because they refuse to accept who they are, and just try to be happy. They also tend to hold a grudge against anyone that isnt a lame loser like them.
This is why I roll my eyes when I hear, “I am a nice guy. Why no one wants to date me?” I’m like probably because 1. Being nice is the bare minimum and 2. You’re most likely a jackass. There are some dudes who are socially awkward yes…but I am talking about dudes like Sebastian.
Father is NTA. Glad he is doing something for his neglected child while also being the only one who works in the family. I am sickened that people are saying YTA to this man. I bet if he had given into the wife and taken the cat away or never gave the daughter the cat he would have been called YTA by those same people.
The daughter would have been on AITA in the future asking is she the asshole for cutting them off for taking away her one bit of joy like we have seen it a hundred times
@@anymous8407 exactly! Father is trying to do what he can. he admits his wife is struggling and that he is as well but that the oldest can't just be forgotten about. Yet they call him the ****** and say why aren;t you doing more
And how well will it go over if the neglected child's beloved pet is hurt or worse by the younger child?
@@shammydammy2610 than the two grown adults help their kid and watch her like she needs to be learned life lessons
@@shammydammy2610 so the older child gets nothing and lives a life around her younger sister? What a great life you want her to live
Story 3: NTA. The risk is your newborn baby starving, I think nice isn’t necessary. Tell that immature woman to buzz off.
just sick mill on her, i am sure she will have her running for the hills lol
1st story - commenters who assume that the father has never done a thing to help and never will. DO these morons know 1. There is a character limit when posting thse stories and 2. most adults try everything and do everything they can before resorting to asking for help. Their first call is always 'lazy Dad', 'overwhelmed Mum'. While bringing a cat into a house with a violent autistic child may not be the best course, the older daughter will probably be a great carer for that animal. She already knows that some living beings need a lot of attention. The father is right - the older daughter is being neglected.
Something to add for the last story is if the state ever got wind of the op sending money to his sister, not only would the both of them get into trouble because of fraud, but they would lose the kids anyway,
A kitten in that household will die very messily, or Mommy will let it escape and disappear. Ooops!
Fourth story obviously you're not in the wrong here but you need to prepare yourself for the inevitable this marriage is over and there's a possibility that he's having an affair. The fact that your mother-in-law was on your side in the beginning tells me everything I need to know. I think your mother-in-law is more angry at you because you were going out all night with friends drinking and partying to where she's not having it. You may need to have a more in-depth conversation with your mother-in-law about it because she's not going to let this go and even if her son is doing what you're doing you're both doing damage to your children by making them casualties in your war. You're not in the wrong here but when your mother-in-law said that she will use what you said to her against you you may want to take that seriously because that could be damaging not just to you when it comes to your family but your children and your friends and his family as well and they may actually take his side and this as well. Even though he's not the attentive parent especially at night times you may be unintentionally causing somewhat of emotional harm to your children by not being there. Especially if they're not used to it. You're not in the wrong here but you need to be careful because you say that judge will not allow the father to have custody I wouldn't be so sure especially if both parents are playing tit for tat and situations like this
Way to go Mom! Sick burn.
1st story that guy was being a good Papa!. Baby girl has been standing like a proper hero for years and soldiering on!! She deserves a pet!. Not perfect but do the very best you can GoodDad
'wife makes my daughter sacrifice everything'
Was an ESH from the tittle, why is the wife the only one involved? OP talks about the autistic child like she is the wife's, If YOU need to be there then f*cking be there. Your wife is telling you pretty plainly she needs help. And buying kittens is the complete opposite of help!
I'm single and was working 12 hour night shifts and couldn't find time to do much of anything. I hadn't had my hair cut in two years because someone was always calling off work and I would be forced to cover them. I made appointments and canceled them until I just stopped making them. I told my supervisor about needing time off to get my wisdom teeth removed and he expected me back at work two days later when I'd told him I needed a week off. He then told my coworkers I just was milking it to have the weekend off and set them against me. I made enough to live off of and save but it was grinding me to dust. After three years I finally quit to save myself. Having a wife and two kids, one of which is disabled, unless his job pays extremely well he is working as much as he has to and mourning the state of everyone in his family. His wife has agency, his wife is putting the youngest first in everything, his eldest has nothing. Was it the best decision? probably not but it sounds like he is desperate to see his little girl happy. Children her age have been known to commit suicide due to bullying from kids at school, she's living it every single second of her life. The experiences she is having now will destroy her ability to bond with friends and lovers later and it will perpetuate her feelings of abandonment and worthlessness if this isn't addressed and sorted out now.
Story1: ESH. Hard to tell if OP or his wife is worse. Doesn't matter, they are both failing as parents. Raising the youngest into an entitled monster, at the expense of the oldest. Getting the kitten over his wife's objections was a coward's move. Grow a spine and pick a fight with her, FFS. Besides this doesn't solve the root of the problem, and could even make things worse! I really hope the brat doesn't end up abusing the poor kitty.
How about you choose your words a bit more carefully? The 'brat' (JFC) sounds like my cousin's kid, based on the brief description. She's nine. Her mental development skills are never going to progress past 2.5 - 3. She's never going to be 'high functioning' like I am and my children are. It's nobody's 'fault'. Not hers, not her mother's, and not the other children in the family's. Pick a fight with the wife? Over what? Not being able to jam 36 hours into the day? For being up to her eyeballs in stress that he just dumped a cat on top of her to care for while he and the other child are in school/at work? That's going to solve a lot. OH he *suggested* they bring in help. Cool. Is it possible? Sure. So is learning how to fly a plane in a week. ANYTHING is possible, but that doesn't make it realistic or feasible monetarily or logistically. There's only a very small number of carers and care facilities that are legally allow to take a child with this degree of need. They all have wait list, some up to ten years. My cousin pays 58k (income over 36k for a family of four immediately cuts 3/4 of any government resources, by the way, and the sliding scale ones that are left are few and far between, not to mention poorly funded with huge wait lists) a year out of pocket for OT therapy and part time (every other week, 36 hours per visit) ASD care - ONLY. When they could afford in home care, it was almost double, and they were on the waiting list for five years. Put the youngest in a care facility? Not that easy. Some jurisdictions will not ALLOW you to put your child in a full time facility unless certain criteria are met, and then you're looking at mid six figures that insurance WILL NOT COVER per year. Therapy? If insurance covers it, they're going to be lucky to see 10 sessions, and I doubt they'll see that, because this requires a specific set of specialists for the parents and oldest child. You have the 300$ per person, per hour for individual, marriage, and family therapy (1200$ a week, four to six month waiting period). The whole thing sucks, but rather than calling names and tramping all over the mother and the kid who the system has failed, and encouraging a father who runs on emotion and logical fallacies to pick a fight with his wife over his kid who's also a victim of the same crappy situation, how about you go rail against the actual system that failed them. Or, I don't know, stop being an ignorant idiot.
@@pansprayers How about you sit on your soapbox, and rotate?
1st OP- it sounds like the younger daughter’s issues are more than your wife and older daughter can handle. I’d suggest getting an in home carer to support your wife. She obviously can not manage your current situation. Both children are suffering. Your wife is being selfish. She can’t do it all at the expense of her older daughter. It’s unfair and unkind. Especially to the poor cat.
Why is it always assumed that muscles =stupid lol? Im built like the incredible hulk and have a phd in cybersecurity, my physique has no impediment on my smarts lol.
probably those surgary romance & comedy movies
@@velvety2006 ikr? Specially hate the ones that romanticize cheating lol
OP and his wife need to report her company for harassing her during maternity leave. They're breaking the law to get free labor from her
First story stand by your oldest. Mom has allowed the youngest in the behavior & should have put control on bad when started. Not all kids with autism is like this. Different spectrums. There’s an old saying about double standards. Men can do whatever but us women aren’t allowed to. Well that’s wrong. We women have right also. Being a mother can be stressful at times, heck it can also be for grandmothers raising their grandchildren. We need time off.
She never allowed anything,she is doing the best she can ,so is he. It's a tough place to be in,this was a fix not a solution and it might end badly .He could focus on the oldest so mom can join a support group get training, so they can have a routine but these parents are just doing their best ,I cannot judge them.
As an autistic person, I can not stand when parents spoil their autistic child and neglect their neurotypical child! My autism wasn't severe enough to make me need constant care and I didn't actually get diagnosed until the age of 19, though I definitevely would have needed some accomidations growing up (that I didn't get because of my lack of a diagnosis) they sure as hell shouldn't have been at my sisters expence!
Dad in the first story is nta but I knew he’d end up being ta…everyone assumes he’s a deadbeat and the mum does “everything“
*Even autistic* (or otherwise "handicapped" children), *NEED TO LEARN HOW TO BEHAVE! THEMSELVES!* My family has been "gifted" with an inordinate percentage of autistic people, and those who've received *both prompt and proper diagnoses & educations are _VERY easy to differentiate* from those who haven't been given such interventions!
One mildly autistic person was coddled, excused, pampered, and NEVER, _EVER_ held accountable for their actions, both mild & major. They grew into a lying, stealing, grifting, alcoholic. Despite earning a college degree, they never managed to offer much financial assistance to tneir family, as they "couldn't work for other people." instead, they lived, most of their adult life, on the basic wages of their poorly-educated spouse. They called themself an "inventor," & spent their time (and money, which they could ill afford to lose) by designing peculiar, useless, and basically unsellable "inventions," while trying to con other people out of _THEIR_ money. A state license was also earned (for which the testing is remarkably easy), then they would agree to do jobs for people at a wonderful price, take the money, then never finish the jobs. That was *VERY sad,* as this person actually _COULD_ do excellent work, but always insisted *"I'LL DO IT MY WAY!"* which was invariably either illegal, dangerous, simply _WOULD NOT WORK,_ *OR ALL THREE OF THOSE!* Miraculously, no jail time was ever involved.
During one period of this person's life, an actual "professional" job was located which seemed a PERFECT fit for their unique talents. Alas, when others at the workplace realized that the huge coffee mug (complete with a "sippy-lid"), _AND_ the mid-sized ice chest they brought to work, DAILY just _DID NOT CONTAIN_ innocuous fluids (such as the iced coffee they claimed it was), but *instead held ONLY BEER!* From start of each day to closing time: *Sip. Sip. Sip.* (Did you know that it's possible to drink 12-15, 20-ounce beers in any one 8-hour day?) *The supervisors WERE NOT AMUSED!* Believe it or not, this, too, was *JUST ONE MORE EXAMPLE OF "I'LL DO IT MY WAY!"*
Various cousins, also mildly autistic, were once again _NOT TAUGHT HOW TO BEHAVE!_ They were rarely able to "work for other people for more than a few weeks at most." They, too, just like the first example, are very self-centered, and rather socially inept.
On the other hand, a couple of generations further along the line, more "autustic children" (both moderately AND severely affected), were PROMPTLY DIAGNOSED, & the parents sought & received education on how to deal with this "roadblock." They produced some very bright & functional people. Last I heard, they were in college & doing well, thanks to prompt intervention and CONSISTENCY.
_EVERY_ PERSON *MUST* BE _TAUGHT HOW TO BEHAVE_ IN OUR CROWDED WORLD, AS WE ARE *ALL,* _BASICALLY,_ *NOTHING BUT SAVAGES!*
One option for the child who wants the kitten is to be taken by dad to a local shelter to give her some kitten contact and the kitties get some socializing. No extra work for mom and no worry for the kitties safety.
Kitten story. I hope he doesn’t get rid of the kitten but hopefully he steps up and takes care of it. No reason he can’t feed and water and take care of litter box and buying food. Also, start teaching daughter how to take care. I would be worried about wife getting rid of it when nobody else is home.
If OP gives her sister money, she could also be committing a crime!!
Everybody, is losing here except the youngest daughter. The mother sucks but, I bet, is trying her best. Father isn't around enough to help mother significantly with the youngest one and doesn't see the whole situation. Oldest is just screwed by chance. They need family therapy. Mother needs help with the young daughter. Dad needs to work less and help more. Mother could even get a job. I bet she'd love to get the hell out of there even if for a while. Youngest needs discipline and oldest love. This situation is bad all over.
ESH for story one but I understand where the dad is coming from. He wants to give joy to his eldest daughter but he did not logically think through anything. A kitten needs care which will be on the parents' shoulders until the daughter is at an age where she can handle full responsibility (she's 7). The other problem is that the youngest daughter is aggressive so the kitten is at risk. Third, animals are not gifts you give to people. They are living beings who have specific needs. I'm not going to discuss the problems with the wife because it is so obvious that there isn't any point since more than one comment is going to address it. But both parents do have a problem with putting their foot down. Just because a kid is autistic doesn't mean you let them get their way. And just because a kid wants a pet doesn't mean you should go get one without actually thinking about what work would need to be done to make everyone in the household comfortable.
Sounds like the oldest has gotten one spot of joy after all these years of being pushed to the backgrounds
@@anymous8407 Which is terrible. The dad tried to put a bandaid over a gaping wound. It doesn't solve the actual problem.
@@scorpiocarnage1055 so what do you suggest he do take back the kitten
@@anymous8407 That may be what happens. The environment is too dangerous since the sister is aggressive. And mom isn't going to be any help since she is willing to sacrifice so much of her oldest child's childhood already, thus, she won't protect her oldest and the kitten. Heck, mom might give the kitten away anyway when he is at work. The solution is that both parents need to step up in their parenting. There are books and studies online. If they have the finances and the luck, there are resources. Because the only other scenario I see is them living in separate households and switching children every 2 weeks.
@@scorpiocarnage1055 you do realise if the get rid of the kids only joy she will hate them all
She should just divorce.
There must be more to the first story, I think. Having an autistic sibling is not an eternal burden to the family as long as everyone in the family helps each other to cope and teach that sibling. It’s normal for the mom to feel overwhelmed. A cat is a huge responsibility, which OP hasn’t really explained why he feels his daughter is ready for a pet other than ‘she’s wanted one badly.’ I bet the mom is worried about the responsibility of taking care of the cat falling onto her.
As a sibling to my autistic younger sister who used to be nonverbal, I get having to be more accommodating but behavioral issues can be managed as long as everyone in the family puts effort into it. My younger brother even has a cat that he’s adopted a year ago. The cat used to fear my sister bc she used to chase him around, but with a lot of patience and guidance from us, she also learned how to give the cat space. My sister loves the cat deeply and asks my mom for a cat of her own now.
Last story tell family that if they are worried they should support them. The money is for the kids. They need it more then their adult mother.
Estranged relationship: End this relationship, because the husband is toxic, with a toxic parent.
With mil second talk with op it hit op in the head why the husband is a trash parent because mil made him like that.
First story as a grandmother with a high functioning low functioning autistic boys. I'm very empathetic to you and your wife. But you got to focus in on the other child too. And you need to decide what you're going to do with your daughter as an adult because her sister isn't going to take her and you'll be lucky if your sister is even going to be around her. You need to get some counseling for your wife to help her deal with this inappropriate way. If not your kids going to grow up and you guys are never going to see her again. One of the things my daughter has done from day one is never let the other kids stop being kids, or having a life.
They likely can't afford the therapy, Judy. If this is in the US, and they're above the income threshold, the best they're going to get is 10 sessions TOTAL. The whole situation sucks, TBH, but there's literally only pain in the future here unless by some miracle the US gets it's shit together and starts providing appropriate therapy and care for people with special needs children.
Husband is having an affair
the older brother who hit on his younger brother's girlfriend not only sounds like a nice guy but a neck beard as well.
story 1. the vitreal toward the father that's trying his best to serve both daughters is reprehensible. You can only do so much as a parent.
Yeah. If it were reversed, they'd be kissing the wife's arse.
#1 Why are comments saying that the dad is BAD?? These commenters want the older daughter to be put in a room and ignored so that younger daughter can thrive and have the whole world at her feet!! God forbid if the older daughter should be mentioned at any time and be of any importance in this family!! Right commenters?? !!
7 is old enough to take care of kitten.
That is the biggest lie told. No, 7 is not the age appropriate to take care of a kitten. One example: the vet.
@@scorpiocarnage1055 you can feed, change litter at 7.
@@tracim3080 Even if that were true, how is the 7 year old going to buy cat litter and cat food, hmm? You are not considering all the steps it takes to take care of an animal. And a 7 year old certainly can't train a cat to not claw on furniture.
@@scorpiocarnage1055 umm who said she has to pay for that? I’m not expecting her to get a job and pay for the supplies but she can do the actual caring for the cat. Not sure why you thought that automatically means paying for shit. That’s not what caring for something is. Also kids can be great animal trainers. Clearly you never grew up around farming communities. There are clubs that teach kids how to train sheep, goats, horses and cows.
@@tracim3080 The paying for stuff is part of taking care of the cat. You can't say she is taking care of the cat if she can't acquire the cat's basic needs. That is honestly like saying you're raising a child but you can't acquire anything of a child's basic needs. It's not just finances but I include finances because you need to be able to afford to be able to take care of anything. And who honestly expects a 7 year old to do the heavy lifting in regards to a pet? I can understand someone older, like a teen. But 7? Not to mention, this little girl already has to be responsible in regards to her sister but you want to throw another responsibility on her shoulders? Pets don't solve problems and it's ridiculous to think they can.
Hey XO! I have to say that the music enhances your wonderful voice. Hope you're well.
Wonder if cat cafés are in their area, they (mom and older daughter) can bond there to relax without being overwhelmed about cleaning up after the cats.
Baby milk: Turn that work phone onto Out Of Office, may be even have a less stressed phone with fewer contacts.
The 7 year old is old enough to go play with friends then the mom can do what she wants and spend 100% of her time creating a monster.
It would have been a joke if the husband said it about himself, not his wife. She needs to get out before the baby is born and go as far as she can.
1st when older sister turns 18 she will leave and never come back.
Kitten: There have been some positive stories about autistic children having positive results and development by having pets. ESH.
The last story. OP needs to call CPS and tell them what the bio mom said. At the very least, it'll be documented. At the worst, she'll end up in jail and won't be homeless.
1. Kid's gonna be extra devastated when the autistic kid kills the kitten one day. If the kid is that bad then a carer is needed or one of the children needs to leave the house and get some real parenting.
2. Oh no... Sebastian's an incel in the making. Good luck, OP. Anything you say to those types is never wrong.
3. I love a story where the MIL is the hero not the villain. Becky is a disaster and anything you do to keep her away from your wife is the right thing. Punt her into the sun.
4. Honestly, girl, you should have just got the divorce the first time the giant red flags appeared. Not too late though!
5. So, it's recreational 'medication' then? Blocking her and making sure everyone knows she harrased you for drg money is the start. Leaving the family blocked might be necessary though. Kiddo will get over it.
Give the kid a kitten. NTA
I have I have autism and I've never acted this way towards my siblings my mum would never favour one over the other this mum should probably get used to the idea that her eldest daughter probably going to go no contact with her when she can
I'm thinking if the reason the sister lost her kids is so bad that OP won't even mention it, money and kids probably are only two things on a growing, long list of things she shouldn't be entrusted with.
S1, Op please contact your local authority for a specialist school for your youngest daughter ,and both you and your wife need to spend 1 on 1 time with your oldest child otherwise when both of you are gone ,your youngest daughter won't have a carer in her future ,because her older sister won't want to look after her sister .Op please look up local support groups for your youngest daughter to go to ,she needs to learn that not everyone will cut her some slack if she causes damage to public property or someone else property and that could land you in trouble with the law and the courts .ESH
Cats don't need a lot of care really. A lot of things can be automatic for the cat (feeding, water, litter changing toys).
I was going to make the same point a open window, water and food is all a cat need
I'm sorry and it may be cold but if your child is that bad with Autism maybe it's time to put her in a home that handles that kind of care. It's not fair to the older child at all. Hell it's not fair to the mom either in the end. She will only get bigger/stronger/and worse as the years go by. You see stories everyday where really bad things happen as a result of this condition.
The last story is such a huge NTA. Social services is about reunification, and there is such a low bar for being a parent. So if the mother is literally prevented from seeing her child, it's because she puts the child's physical or mental health at risk. I volunteer with CPS and the D- parenting that is legally acceptable is infuriating sometimes. More importantly, the government offers resources in order to get parents back on their feet (rehab, counseling, job/housing assistance) in order to help them to reunify with their kids. The sister has no right to the kids' money. Even if OP doesn't need to use it now, she should put it into a college fund for their future. If the family is so desperate to give her assistance, they can reach into their own pockets.
It is highly difficult to find people able and willing to help out when you have autistic children with challenges at this level. They both need a break and truly need to research the options available. It amazes me how it is basically by accident that you find out what assistance is available for parents of children of cerebral palsy and the like. The name changes, but the level of care required is much the same. Joining support groups sometimes gives you access to what programs others use, are likely available for you and how to proceed with accessing them, even if you aren't necessarily going there for support but for information.
Tell your family to give her money and house the sister and bf!!!!!!!!
Get a lock for the door so the handicap child won’t touch the cat.
OP in story one: his heart is in the right place but he put an attention-needing band aid on a gaping wound. Neither of them is capable of handling their children at the moment..they all need help.
Why is there no respite care? Here in Australia children with disabilities have regular respite care to allow parents and siblings some away time
Story 1: Dang, that first commentor must be the wife.