But in rslash words ITS note correct to do It in front because ITS wrong to the same people that didnt help her either in this verbal abuse because ITS More important to eat the food AND smile in family
Agreed. If this is what it took for him to finally be, “speechless” I’m calling it fair to do it loudly and in public since it seems to be the only thing to finally get him to STOP insulting OP to her face, in front of friends, and in front of family with absolutely NO ONE speaking up for her. Disgusting. When a woman gets pregnant, grows, births, and raises a newborn - yeah, obviously her body is going to be different after! And we need to stop letting people shame new mothers with this INSANE idea she has any control over what pregnancy did to her body. You want a woman who never changes? Get a sex-bot online. But if you want a real adult to have a family with try treating your wife like a human being!!!
Rslash's take on the 3rd story kind of got to me. While being completely aware of how absolutely horrible the husband was being and how greatly it was affecting the wife, Rslash cared so much more about the "public appearance". I'm sorry but we're allowed to be humans. Can we not push the mindset of a perfect victim? After so much verbal abuse that really affects your mental health and self worth, it's not so unexpected to break down. We're not perfect and mental health is no joke. She did not ruin Christmas dinner for anyone. HER Christmas dinner was ruined, her everyday life was ruined. Those people only had to deal with the aftermath of those horrible things that she has been enduring. They only had to deal with it for one moment. If anything, nothing was ruined. They should be happy to finally see what a pos that man is. Can we not blame victims for rightfully expressing their feelings when they're constantly wronged?
Shes human no duh, but she is also an adult. Imagine if everytime there was something you didn't agree with or you're having a bad day you just resort to shouting your way through it. That's childish and every entitled to think you're the only one who has things going on, and nobody should be happy cause you're not happy. Your so called victim mindset is only selfish. How you going to say her Christmas was ruined like nobody else is present in that room? Everyone's day was ruined. Whatever issues she may be going through in her relationship is exactly that, HER relationship. If it was a problem she should have dealt with it a lot sooner than waiting for Christmas, and it should have been something the two of them discussed.
I think it's hard for someone in a happy relationship to understand how dysfunctional ones work. the relationship that handles things the way he's saying don't have the problems OP is having. rslash is being obtuse
Story 3: There’s something we call "Being pushed over the edge." Husband pushed OP over the edge with his nasty comments and then wondered why OP was mad at him. And making them in front of family is even worse
Agreed. He deserves 4 out of 5, not 2.5.... I don't think rslash realises exactly how bad this situation is. He is being verbally abused. And he clearly doesn't have an issue with doing it in front of his family. Therefore, she SHOULD call him out IN FRONT of them. I would have backed her up if I was an in law. That is messed up. He is abusive. OP she revaluate her marriage, before he does it to his children. I believe he will.
Yeah, a person can only endure so much verbal abuse before they snap. OP’s husband is lucky it was a verbal snap and not a slap/punch in the face snap.
Yeah OP still handled that situation better than i would have. I would've slapped him so hard that my whole arm stings, then said to him, "You know, you could have taken a slap better..."
I agree, husband was bullying his wife and she finally snapped. rSlash needs to grow a fucking spine, everytime someone has enaugh and is snapiing, rSlash is " well he/she should be much nicer in fighting back"
OP talked about ruining Christmas for him and you know what? Good. He doesn't deserve it for all the crap he have OP. Then, when she finally calls him? He runs off like a complete coward.
On the 4th story---My first thought, and the one that gives me nightmares, is this: WAS THAT WALL A LOAD BEARING WALL? This is the biggest and most dangerous mistake made by amateur home remodelers. The integrity of the house is at stake. OP's ex- and her boyfriend may have destroyed OP's family home!
I'm just imagining the first story going to court. "Your honor, she made a promise to me when she was 12 years old. She should pay!" "... she was how old?"
Reminds me of that Entitled Parents story where the mom stole her daughter's car and destroyed her license, and tried to argue that they legally belonged to her since the girl was her daughter.......Nevermind her daughter was 22, lived on her own, and the car was in her name. Seriously the mom tried to argue that to a judge. Her lawyer wasn't aware of the daughter's age or living situation until the trial and started to sweat bullets when he knew the situation.
Story 3: So it’s perfectly okay for HIM to publicly humiliate you, but when you publicly humiliate him you need therapy and to get over your insecurities? Yeah I’d take that red flag and fly him straight to the cleaners. NTA. He got what he deserved.
You can clearly tell that RSlash doesn't have to deal with abusive people that often if he really thinks that you can just pull someone aside and be like "Hey stop doing the abusive thing you've been doing to me in private for so long." and it would actually work.
For real, I mean I'm glad he's in a safe environment, but how could he be so tone deaf about this? You'd think that he'd at least have a /basic/ understanding of abuse and emotional reactions, or at least some empathy instead of moving to criticize her... Her husband literally manipulated her into thinking she's in wrong, she's not safe enough to just "talk it through"!!
@@kornykatz yeah, it reminds me of people who hear about abusive relationships and they're like "why didn't you leave sooner?" i know he means well but you'd think he'd figure it out after several of these, he's made multiple comments where he gives people an ahole score because they "caused a scene" or something sometimes causing a scene and embarrassing someone in front of their friends or family is the only way to get them to stop
Usually he has great advice on abusive relationships. I think in this case, he's not seeing the bigger picture. I think he read through it too quickly and didn't process it properly. After all, he says he reacts to most of these as he's recording. This seems like a story he didn't realize he should've read over first.
@@kornykatz Because people who have a good/healthy relationship don't like to think about the possiblity of people being bad people, it's very tone-deaf and awful, and I would hate if in the future, his daughter or any other future would come to him with a problem involving abuse, because this is the same type of person to say "Oh no, people don't do that, you must be imagining it."
Story 4: I think this was a good, dynamic decision on the part of the judge. Instead of making OP pay child support and making OP’s former stay at home wife find stable housing, the judge made the house (+bills) the child support. OP’s 100% in the right for suing the mom about the demolition, and the daughter will come to understand that.
I have to disagree. This was an example of how postponing hardship just makes it worse. I know that divorce is horrible to go through, but I'm stunned that they thought that this agreement would be a good idea. I know that child support and spousal support can be onerous, but it allows for a cleaner separation as all assets are distributed and each person can begin rebuilding their new life. Now they're in a huge mess because of this terrible agreement. If you disagree, then think of it this way. Would anyone in their right mind, buy a house after a divorce and then let their ex stay in it for free for 15 years to forgo payments to them? No, no one would do that.
@@derrickabbey8139 It seems you did not listen, OP did not buy the house it was in his family for 3 generations ... And yea kick the ex and sue her also have a long talk with you daughter and explain everything to her is she still on your ex side ... i am sorry to say it but she's a lost cause or maybe in the future she will come to reason but well.
@@DarkForse I did listen to the story and I understood what was going on. My example was a hypothetical situation that would be legally similar. I gave that example to show how ludicrous OP's agreement with their ex was. The legal system doesn't really care how long a property is in someone's family. What I was saying is that OP set himself up for hardship later on, instead of just figuring out a housing situation for his ex and their daughter when the divorce happened.
I do not understand how tf the judge thought that was a good idea. It's not like they bought it, it was passed down through op's family for 3 generations. She should have been kicked out when the divorce originally happened
The first story, the right lesson could have been “just because your friends have pools doesn’t mean you get one”, or “prove to us that you can be responsible for your chores for x period of time and we can discuss the responsibility that it is to care for a pool”. The money isn’t the issue the “lesson” is, you just didn’t teach her the right lesson to begin with.
The lesson being that of you want something you should work for it? OP made a deal for half the cost which if its in the hundreds would be acceptable but in the thousands a bit iffy. Her daughter would eventually deal with things on her own when it comes to buying her own stuff with partial payments and loans from banks and loan sharks
Story 3: She was pushed over the edge with fat shaming comments, she couldn’t think clearly and lashed out because that’s the normal human response. She’s been dealing with this for months and at some point, it had to spill out
Story 3: people's breaking points don't always happen conveniently in private, OP didn't overreact and if his family doesn't understand that he's being a verbally abusive jerk then they're part of the problem.
Story 3: The worst part of it aren't even the mean comments, It's the gaslighting afterwards that OP is the problem here and should go to therapy. This is classical behaviour of toxic realtionships, he's manipulative and cruel.
Definitely. And not just gaslighting by the husband, but by responses like rSlash's - hey abuse victim, you should just pull your abuser aside and talk to them calming about how their abuse is wrong - has an underlying 'you overreacted, you should have dealt with it in a less bad way (because it's not as bad as your reaction to it was). As if an abuser will say 'oh! my bad! I apologize and will change!'.
@@wta1518 I think how she handled it was totally appropriate for the amount of abuse she was receiving from the man who is supposed to lift her up and not tear her down. I'm not advocating going Karen all the time... but sometimes, SOMETIMES, making a scene is the only way to go. Good for her, I say.
@@wta1518 She probably did and he probably gaslit her by telling her "it's just an observation" so much that she believed it wasn't that big a deal (as evidenced by how much she's downplaying the abuse in her post).
If he was foolish enough to believe his behaviour was ok for months on end, then if that was her first confrontation, it's unlikely to lead to a positive outcome. Indeed, the husband stormed off to stay at a friends. If you have any interest in reconciling the relationship while achieving a fair outcome, then a softer approach. IFF after trying this a few times, setting boundaries, and the husband is still doing this, then yah, cut loose and hell be damned.
R/Slash is correct. It's hideous when couples fight in front of you. If she'd handled it like an adult and not had a tanty then everyone would have thought the husband was the AH. Her public reaction does not make her look great.
@teresae.8932 First of all, we don't know whether she told him that she is uncomfortable with his comments or not. More so, those comments should NEVER be said to ANYONE in the first place. That's just plain bullying. And IF she never outright told him that she's not OK with his behavior, it's understandable. Because people often downplay these kind of issues and we've been taught that even trying to fight for ourselves will be seen as overreacting. It's also scary to confront your abuser alone. I'm sure that, after he started making such comments, she realized that the person she married is not who she taught he was. So, who knows how he'd react, if he's already feeling so comfortable to put her down after she gave birth to THEIR child?! And she was right in the assumption because, although he's made his wife feel miserable, he still blamed HER in the end. He did not even try to self reflect or care for his partner that he decided to have a child with. It's much safer to confront someone in a public space, especially if it's family. It's not shameful. It's just someone trying to get out of a bad situation, and they should be helped, not made to feel guilt for being human. It's unfortunate that it happened during Christmas dinner, but it was her husband who pushed her over the edge. He's the one who "ruined" Christmas dinner by degrading his wife in front of everyone else.
Story 3: while I agree that, ideally, you shouldn't scream at people like that in public settings, I feel that OP is not at all at fault for reacting the way she did and is 100% justified. The fact that she referred to his comments (which, frankly, are verbal abuse) as "observations" makes me think that she probably _has_ talked to him about how he has been taking to her and about her, and that this was what he called it. In fact, from the way she tells the story, she's probably tried to talk to him in private several times and he's minimised his abuse as "I'm just making observations, quit being so sensitive." I hope she gets far, far away from him and goes on to live a happy and healthy life.
Weight gain after pregnancy is 100% normal, her husbands snide remarks aren't "observations" he's belittling her. Ops in the right for standing up for herself and the husband is a hypocrite for saying she "embarrassed" him, despite embarrassing her by remaking on her looks infront of thier shared family.
They are both handling this wrong. It is normal to gain some fat after a pregnancy, it is normal for a partner to dislike it for personal or medical reasons, this should be discussed. Neither of them handled it appropriately. In essence, what they both did was try to not talk about it and let's hope that it will go away by itself, and choose to take this "battle" in front of others. It is a very small issue, that due to the nature in which it was handled, lead to a disaster. Alike a snowball rolling down the mountain creating an avalanche. I think they should have talked about it, the husband should have told her about his concern after a while and should encourage her to lose weight. OP should have told her husband in private(preferably in general, necessary for this husband) that she was not fine with his remarks from the beginning,. Now the aftermath really makes the husband a butthole, as he still chooses to ignore that he might have done something wrong, while OP starts questioning herself about this whole encounter, which is what we should all do even when we are right. Hopefully they can see eye to eye and live happily from now on, and I hope OP would lose some weight by eating healthier food prepared by the husband :)) (or deal with this however they see fit, I don't care what they do as long as everyone is happy and healthy - not necessarily fit) Also, I hate the way weight is seen by society, you do not gain weight, you gain mass, this makes physics a bit harder to learn, and gives my teachers some ammo for more dad jokes than I could handle :)) - this misconception is true not only in English
Exactly! If he didn't want it out in the open then he shouldn't have made comments to her in the open and in front of people. It's a 2 way street babes.
@@JOHNDOE-bn3lx I don't give two shits about him "disliking it for personal or medical reasons." A woman's body is NEVER the same after having a baby. That's not a bad thing. OP's husband should have known that, and should have accepted it, before getting married and becoming a father. It's not like she went from stick figure to XXXL, she probably just has the mommy pouch, it happens! And he should love her anyway! This bullshit about him being justified is just that. BULLSHIT. And he should know better than to EVER, *EVER* throw out snide comments about a woman's weight, whether or not she is or has been pregnant! No woman wants to hear about her weight from anyone except her doctor. DUH. OP is not wrong in the slightest, her husband is just a jackass who needs to shut his damn mouth.
If you can't handle the thought of your partner possibly having a few lingingering pounds after pregnancy you shouldn't be having a child you're partner is going through one of the biggest shifts in their life hormones are different their body is different and they're trying to figure all of this out after going through the most painful traumatic experiences they can live through now with the addition of a screaming baby yes you can have a conversation with your partner if you're concerned for their heath but you aren't going to become dangerously overweight unless you're already treading that line the vast vast vast majority of women will never look the way they did before they had a child if you can't handle that simply don't have one and she was being verbally abused and put down over the course of months and then he had the audacity to try to publicly embarrass her she had a perfectly reasonable reaction
Story 3: hubby was counting on the idea that OP would be too uncomfortable to bring it up in front of all these people. OP flipped that discomfort on him. Props.
She put up with his abuse for multiple months. She hit her breaking point. I think what she did was perfect, because that’s what he deserved to be called out in front of everybody for treating the mother of his child. His wife is partner this way.
Story about the POS fat shaming and gaslighting husband: Ohhhh boy rslash you are so wrooong here. You are asking an abuse victim (who probably had to deal with PPD and the verbal abuse at the same time) to remain calm and collected while she gets abused and shamed in front of her extended family? OP handled the situation as well as anyone who has been suffering abuse for months would.
Keeping emotional abuse secret and private is how physical abuse starts and goes unnoticed for years, I grew up around that and most of it was kept secret even from me so I support having an argument with witnesses that can mediate
Story 3: You do NOT get to police the reaction of the abused. No one challenged the husband so what should she have done? Suck it up again? Be quiet while he does it again and again? No absolutely not. She was pushed over the edge, I cannot and will not blame her for shouting.
I get the feeling that if the genders were reversed, and it was the wife constantly nagging the husband about his weight, absolutely no one would be on his side if he had an outburst life the OP did against her husband. Just saying, fat shaming is not only allowed, but encouraged against men. But it's a mortal sin if it's against women.
@@jimboa20 how did you read that from what I said??? Abuse is abuse. Regardless of gender or orientation. This could be a homosexual relationship and I’d still feel the same.
@@BigFishSmolPond Because that is my lived experience as an overweight male. Fat shaming is actively encouraged if the target is male. But don't you DARE fat shame a woman.
@@jimboa20 While you are correct that people seem more likely to defend women, I wouldn't say no one, I'd be quite unhappy if I found a relative had been speaking to their spouse this way regardless of their sex. Though, I would like to point out that this Abby person made no mention of their sex mattering to them. Also, something that I feel I should point out about a lot of the people that get fussy about body shamming on the internet, they usually have nothing against skinny shaming for whatever reason. Not saying the person above is one of those people, just pointing out that the people you see defending fat women but then insulting fat men, probably don't actually care.
@@jimboa20 as a dude who was fat shamed, your experience doesn't mean that no one would defend a guy getting fat shamed. And, I have actually seen A LOT of women being fat shamed by other women and men without someone calling them out (which I did often try to call out anyone fat shaming anyone) Fat shaming is an issue no matter the gender and isn't okay. We live in a society that shames everyone for anything they can, and often the shaming overlaps genders. Your "whataboutism" here isn't helping men who have been fat shamed, it just makes you look like a jerk
In what universe did the ex wife think that saying "I wished I cheated on you during our marriage" would make op change his mind? NTA your ex wife is being entitled you have no obligation to support them if you want to that should be your choice not hers
That was just her lashing out to try and hurt him. I doubt she thought it through that well, but it's _possible_ her goal was to emotionally shatter him to the point where she could manipulate him into agreeing to do what she wanted; it's not unheard of for abusers to do that.
Story one: I love how "it is NOT about the money!" when it is ALL about the money now and that is how the daughter is going to see it. Honestly, sounds like the daughter has a good head on her shoulders, is saving for her own dress, and doesn't seem overly spoiled. This "lesson" has nothing to do with keeping promises anymore and the parents should have made a promise that their daughter could keep, like taking care of the pool, instead they make a HUGE promise with their CHILD and sit on it till she starts making money then suddenly "Remember that promise you made as a kid well we are collecting NOW when you just started taking steps to become independent of us!!!". People were also calling out OP in the comments about how the pool adds value to their property and if they did make her pay would they give her a cut of the sale of the house since it would be half her pool? OP didn't answer but since SHE didn't promise to pay her daughter back, if they sell the house, my guess is "NO!". OP gives off the vibes of one of those parents who "cripples" their child's success so they can keep them under their thumb and OP had a "promise" she was waiting on that would do just that for her...
As her legal guardian, you are responsible for your children's financial decisions until they grow older and more responsible. If she wanted to spend $10 000 buying a horse, like basically all 12 year old girls would love to do, you don't give her a loan so she can spend money she doesn't have. That's what credit card companies do.
Third story: I disagree with you completely RSlash, the husband is the one who brought up her weight in front of his family and made the situation awkward. She's been silently dealing with his comments about her body for months, she just so happened to snap in front of other people. Don't start problems, there won't be any problems
She still should have told the husband to stop privately before it got to that point. Unless I'm missing something, the first time she told him to stop was at the dinner, and because of that she did contribute to ruining the dinner. Communication is extremely important in a relationship, and not telling your partner that you don't like what they're doing for months is not an effective way to communicate. I'm absolutely not defending the husband here, but rSlash is right that OP could have handled the situation much better.
But her way of dealing with it didn't actually solve anything. People don't get screamed at and think yes I'm definitely in the wrong. That's how kids act when they throw tantrums, not adults who want an issue solved. Well her reaction is understandable, it's still childish
@@terraguttierez2996 I'm not assuming, I'm using the information given. And yes, he should shut up. I never once defended what he did. Fun fact: it's possible for someone to be in the right, but still not do everything perfectly. Crazy, right?
@@wta1518 "the first time she told him to stop was at the dinner, and because of that she did contribute to ruining the dinner". you honestly dont even know if shes been telling him every time he does it or just then but of course you assume its a "communication error on her part" just ew.
10:12 yeah YOU would probably do that if it was your wife because from the sounds of it she’s not abusive and hasn’t been putting you down for months so you don’t have any feelings to bottle up. “If I were in your shoes” really is invalidating because you’re NOT in OP’s shoes. There’s always “better ways” to handle it like not putting down your wife for months.
If your self esteem was slowly getting pecked away you would break eventually, Dabney. Dinner with the in-laws maybe isnt the place to talk about it, but it was the straw that broke the camel's back. Plus, its better she have support than trying to confront an abuser alone.
Story 4: She herself signed an agreement and then proceeded to violated said agreement, probably expecting OP to just suck it up. I do have the same idea that the ex manipulated the daughter as well
I find the fact that OP's family wants to give the ex more time very confusing. She basically stole the house that has been in OP's family for generations and now she wants to keep it, excuse me but WHAT THE ACTUAL FU*K IS THAT. Also this agreement, tf is this? She was allowed to own a house that OP had inherited (Which means it's OP's, because stuff you inherit isn't a part of marital property, unless of course OP added his ex to the house as an owner. Either way it's dumb) and the judge literally allows OP's ex to just own it for 15 years, I am seriously strugiling to understand the logic. I mean yeah it's better to lose the house for 15 years rather than forever, but let's be real here from what the ex is acting like, I think we can expect that she was thinking that the house is just hers. NTA, OP's family are acting concerningly wierd in this story.
In the Husband's position, I'd have given her a bit of leeway if that was made by a pro she paid and who did it properly (still would have sued), but her BF? A third party non official guy? No way. Throw her the book. Don't modify other's houses, stoopid.
@@lampionmancz I have doubts about this story because of this wierd house stuff. I have no idea what it can even be called or how any lawyer or judge has agreed to it.
Story 3 You're right about the fact that couples arguing infront of others is inappropriate RSlash. However, if she hadn't been pushed to a snapping point I doubt she would have done that. Sometimes when you take that much daily abuse constantly you just get to a point where you can't take it anymore and you hysterically lash out without being able to think about the consequences. I think she needs to apologize to the family since she does feel bad and it wasn't intentional and seriously think about dumping her husband.
I hope his fan rallies with OP can call him out on his toxic behavior. OP gave birth! She may be working and having to do things where losing weight isn’t too on the list. I bet he doesn’t motivate her either and thinks his hateful remarks are enough!
I wouldve started bawling and saying "you think im a fat pig dont you??? You dont think im beautiful anymore!" Basically going the simpathy route, basically acting like a sad sap to make him look even worse.
that's pretty toxic imo. bringing out your issues in front of family is just really sucky. OP should have tore her husband a new one in private long before it ever got to the dinner but maybe i'm biased because i still flinch at loud voices because of aunts and uncles "screeming it all out loud" at family gatherings for years
The ex-wife is evil and manipulative, and karma manifested in the worst of ways for it. He owes her nothing but, making sure their kids are in a safer environment.
Yeah not only did she burn the bridge she also kicked the ashes into his eyes when she said "i should have cheater on you as well" and still expected help after that comment.
I never understood the cruelty of people to let other individuals suffer because they hate one singular person. What her children do? Do the brothers not care about their siblings at all? Someone is suffering from cancer, and you still take their money in child support? This is disgusting. You can hate her all you want, because she is an evil person. I can understand those individuals not being your concern, but to say that you won't even care that they Starve is incredibly evil. By that logic, no one should care about anybody who isn't directly related to them by Blood, so homeless people go fuck themselves.
In stories like the last one, I like to imagine scenarios where the kid realizes they trusted a monster and come crawling back to the parent they were taught to hate
Story 4: the reason your daughter is on her mom's side it because from her perspective, you out of nowhere went to the house in immediately kicked her out with no warning. Now on top of that you are also going to sue her so not only will she be homeless but won't have a penny. I don't think you're wrong at all, your ex got so much from this deal and couldn't even do the barebow minimum of this agreement. And considering what she did behind your back I wouldn't let her stay in the house for another month giving her time to do something sneaky, explain the situation to your family and help them understand exactly how much she trying to screw you over.
story 4, Ops ex got to live in a house, rent free for 15 years while Op paid for everything and lived elsewhere? WTF was that judge thinking when they made this ruling?
There’s the thing for the third story: Even if OP took him aside, he wouldn’t have stopped. He’d just minimize how she felt and tell her she’s being oversensitive anyways. Besides, if you’re going to disrespect your wife over and over again, you don’t deserve the courtesy of being told in private to shut up. He pushed OP and found out she won’t take it anymore. OP did the EXACT right thing She gets 0/5 He gets 3.5 for being a bully and not a husband And now thinking about it, and no offense to R/slash, it seems he has a thing of picking and choosing between criticizing the OP for exposing the person in the wrong in public and telling them they did the right thing and honestly it doesn’t make much sense
The fact that she referred to them as "observations" makes me think that she probably _has_ talked to him and that this was what he called it. From way she tells the story, she's probably tried to talk to him in private several times and he's minimised his abuse as "I'm just making observations, quit being so sensitive."
I suspect, and have for a while, that he throws in the occasionally objectively bad call to drive comment engagement. Nothing pushes people to interact like 'I disagree'
I want a update to story 4. I love court drama and knowing he is in the right is going to be a blood bath. Not sure where they are located but her breaking the contract she signed could mean more in that contract is broken now and he might be able to go after ALL the money he payed because she didn't keep up her end like he did. I really want to see the outcome!!! Anyone else get the feeling that the ex has no savings even with the fact that she hasn't had to pay for housing and utilities for 15 years? She comes off as the squatter type who didn't plan on moving out at all and was going force OP to keep paying because "the bills are in YOUR name not mine! LOL Good luck!!!". Daughter is old enough to understand the legality of their divorce so I would 100% sit her down to explain the agreement, that the house is still going to be there with her room just that her dad would be living there instead, and how he has been the one making sure her and her mother wouldn't go without a house/utilities, not her mom... I have a feeling Ex has already spun it as them BOTH being homeless, with NO place to go, and probably lied that OP was kicking them out to sell... If daughter still can't figure it out after explaining well she has the truth so she might someday...
So instead of getting a relatively cheap above ground pool they got a full on pool installed and forced their 12 year old to go into debt? A lot of 12 year olds aren't even responsible enough to feed themselves let alone go onto debt
Especially since in ground pools can cost $50,000+ and that's not including the monthly maintenance of chlorine if you want it chlorinated or salt if you want a saltwater pool
@@fallendeusnsidering she talked about it being expensive and feeling the need to split costs, I doubt it was a large above ground pool whoch you can find at Walmart for less than $600 Do you really think OP is doing all this over $300? Four years later? Not something that would affect you even a year later if you can afford it (which OP clearly states they can) Just using common sense, it's obvious OP is talking about a below ground pool. If she isn't then she's even more of a idiot than before
Not saying that $600 is cheap but, again, OP clearly states that they can afford it. So I doubt OP would chase after her own daughter four years later for $300. Maybe $12,000 (which doesn't make her not an idiot) but until OP clarifies herseld, it's just common sense to assume she doesn't mean a $600 pool 💀
Story 2, I can't help but laugh when the ex-wife was like "I wish I had actually cheated on you while I was using you ... but still give me money damnit!" Talk about delusional!
She thinks she was in the right for all the things that she did while married to OP. She can't understand why OP is being such an ass to her after the cheating, using him for money and insulting him.
"Verbally abusing" abuse is about a pattern of poor treatment. You cannot yell once and have it be abuse. You *can* however repeatedly shame someone about their appearance and have it be part of a pattern of abuse. For example you could constantly imply they need to have a different body and then when called out make it out that you're the real victim who should get an apology. I agree that its not an ideal setup, but tbh its hard for someone to be treated poorly for a while and respond perfectly
@@boyboy81_ to give a chance to the abuser to twist the story and make you the wrong one? Nonono, make sure that everyone knows that the abuser is the one at fault.
@Pk_Sly99 why not? He insults her in front of friends and family and she isn't allowed to respond? Humiliating him is fair play and besides, it wasn't deliberate, it was being pushed over the edge.
Story 3. OP is being psychologically and emotionally abused by her husband. He is undermining her confidence, body shaming her, and then gaslighting her into believing she's "over sensitive" or "over reacting". In all likelihood, this is just a hint of how he treats her in private. So actually, she SHOULD react to it in front of other people. It's safer to address it with other people present. AND, by doing so, witnesses to the situation can help to reaffirm that OP's husband is being abusive. It is never safe to confront abusers in private. Things can always escalate. It is important to have backup.
There is no way that OP’s daughter knows the truth about the house. If the ex had to move out when the daughter turns 18, then the daughter was 3 when the agreement was signed. So she probably believes the mom actually has ownership of the house.
If I was the daughter in that situation my dad would have grounded me and told me to stay out of grown folks business. That’s exactly what Op should have done
Story 3: Heck no. OP was pushed and pushed and pushed and took it and took it and he finally pushed one centimetre too far and she snapped. He was being completely disrespectful and didn't know when to stop making his "observations"
Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if in the last story the ex wife re-phrased what was going on to her family and daughter to make her seem like the victim. I mean if she’s willing to go against legal papers isn’t that surprising that she might be willing to lie to her daughter to get what she wants?
For the fat shaming story, you're right RSlash, you're going to get some slack. How would you handle it if someone called you ugly over, and over, and over, and over, until you got to the last straw? He deserves to get shamed in front of his family so they know how their relative act.
Rslash's response to that story is giving the same energy as people saying "Just smile and say your ok" when someone finally opens up about their serious issues. Disappointing tbh
I think the husband was wrong. 100% an a$$hole. But… OP should not have just put up with this for months and the exploded. If she had told her husband that she didn’t like what he was saying and asked him to stop and then he kept on and on, OP would be justified for lashing out. But just because he is being a jerk doesn’t negate her needing to tell him how she feels and tell/ask him to stop.
@@lauraingersoll981 that's assuming that she never said anything. Maybe she asked him to stop at times and he brushed it off like "I'm just doing an observation" or "Don't be sensitive" etc.
Story 3: Nah Rslash you are being so light about this situation when the husband is literally verbally abusing his wife for simply putting on weight after her pregnancy. If he has no qualms about doing this in front of his family? He likely does this shit in public too where other people can hear him because he believes he isn't wrong about his 'opinion'. The wife hit her boiling point and him trying to shame her at the dinner table with his family was it. He knew exactly what he was doing and his little comment was meant to try and get a reaction from his family, likely to agree with his sentiment.
Story 3: I would have quietly but publicly corrected my child if they made a disparaging comment about their partner at my table. I have taken on family members when they have been out of line at family gatherings. I would be embarrassed if a family member did this in my home. This man was not trained in good behavior by his parents if he can treat the mother of his child in this disgusting way.
My boyfriend's family sadly has a pretty traditional mindset and would let my boyfriend get away with a lot of things. I had to be the one to teach him about consent when he was 23 and so many other things. What really pissed me off was when we'd go to a get together or a party and he decides that he wants to stay over night without giving me warning so I have, none of my medications, no clothes, nothing to wear to work the next day because he told me when there was no time to take the day after off, to take it off, then he'd ask in front of a bunch on people so I'd look like the bad guy for saying no. Then if I tried to confront him in private he'd blow it out of proportion. When I explained that he can't keep doing shit like that or I'm going to say no and told his siblings and reasonable family members about his behavior he stopped. Now he has to give me a days notice of any event and several weeks notice of him taking a day off if it would conflict and screw up my schedule. To be clear, I grew up in a shitty situation where my step mom decided she didn't want me to learn to drive because she wouldn't be able to control me. I'm still trying to get over the fear of driving she instilled in me at 22 so I can drive and get my license. At the time my boyfriend and I had 1 car between the 2 of us and he did like me driving it because despite him saying he was gonna get an automatic car I could learn to drive in he got an 2012 Audi TT. A few months ago I bought a 1996 Subaru station wagon. He "insulted" my car while driving it and the next day managed to lock himself out of it while I was on the other side of town without my keys. That'll show him to call my car an crochety old man after I call my car a best boy. ETA: Yes, my car is a crochety old man, but he doesn't need to be reminded. Most of his inners have been replaced. And looking at him is an juxtaposition, my car on the outside looks really manly, but inside is decorated in purple and Sailor Moon air fresheners. Also girly blankets and a Spirited Away neck pillow for naps.
Last story: That bit about OP's ex wanting the house, even after the divorce, it sounds like OP's ex saw this contract as a way to finally claim the house as her own, like she apparently thinks it's her chance to live in the house she wanted. So, of course she would go against the contract since apparently, signing the contract means it's her house now, right?
The third story about the husband body shaming his wife: Rslash you aren’t seeing the bigger picture here. The husband is actively bullying OP, honestly kind of abusing her, after she just gave birth. She’s probably asked him to stop in private dozens of times, but like she said in the post, this comment in front of other people to diminish a compliment she received on her dress. That’s abusive behavior normally, and her standing up for herself is normally something that people want for her, yet because it was at Christmas dinner that he made the comment and she asked him to just stop, she handled it poorly? No. He needs to stop making comments like that if he wants to continue to have a wife and he needs to apologize ASAP for bullying and degrading her. I’d give him a 4 out of 5 and her a 0 out of 5. She deserves no backlash from standing up to her bully/abuser in front of other people who were all clearly uncomfortable with his comment.
Well, since she did not mention it in the post, she probably never saw it necessary to tell the husband to stop and hoped it he will just stop, so I think she just tried to avoid the conflict which is as bad as starting it. The nature of the almost the same on both sides, he never discussed it in private with her, and she never told him to stop in private. Both ended up blowing up in public, he many in small amounts, she in one big one. The solution was the same and could be applied by both at any given time after the first comment. Now, I do believe that the guy is an asshole due to his reaction. He should have realized that what she has done, is basically what he has been doing, with only a degree of intensity higher. I still think he might be quite a bit oblivious about this, and both should talk about it, and OP should be the "bigger man", as she reacted properly, questioned herself (as we all should do even when we are right) and now has enough perspective to deal with this properly. In the end I want to address a few things about weight: firstly, it is not weight it is mass, secondly it is normal to gain some after giving birth, it is normal to desire your partner to lose some after gaining some (not necessary, not always right, just normal), fat can be very unhealthy and can show underlying issues that most often than not need to be addressed (stress, unhealthy lifestyle, etc). Also, nobody is without fault or without reason, absolute right and absolute wrong does not exist.
@@JOHNDOE-bn3lx you’re really looking at this with a privileged perspective. i feel like you’ve never been put in a situation where your partner is abusive and puts you down like that mentally due to how doctorial you are explaining this
@@JOHNDOE-bn3lx You obviously have no idea what you're talking about. This is the second comment I've seen from you spewing the same bullshit. OP has CLEARLY already talked to her husband, because she mentions him calling his insults "observations." Sounds to me like she brought it up in private, and he said, "You're being too sensitive, it's just an observation." That, my friend, is called GASLIGHTING. Which is an abusive behavior. And your whole weight vs. mass argument is pointless and has absolutely no relevance. Telling someone they're gaining mass is not any less offensive than telling them they're gaining weight. And you clearly don't have the first idea of how women work. No woman, ever, and I mean EVER, wants hear about their weight from anyone but their doctor. I can't believe you have to be told this, it should just be common knowledge. OP did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG, her husband is a delusional asshole.
@@giggle_snort he could be gaslighting, but we cannot know for sure, we have no idea how much weight she has gained, it is ok for the husband to want OP to lose weight and is necessary to discuss this, not out OP in public. OP should have not let him slide with this for so long. The only thing that is bad is his response afterwards. And it is just as fine to address the weight of a woman as it is to address the weight of a man, otherwise you are sexist. Also, the weight vs mass thing is related to physics and it was a funny annotation that the only objectively true thing that you mentioned in all these comments
As someone who had an ex not keep up his end of the divorce settlement until I had a lawyer go after him, I'm furious over that last story. The AUDACITY!! Evict her butt and sue the pants off her. She knew she was wrong and she thought she could manipulate the situation into staying there for free forever. 🗑️
And she sure dropped tons of poison in the daughter's ear, so OP has to have a long talk with the daughter, but if she doesn't understand then she is a lost cause and i am realy sorry for OP.
15:00 She's using her daughter. She knew this would happen. She didn't care. She planned for OP to give her more time. The daughter needs the situation properly explained, especially because her mom is using her to try and stay in the house.
first story: you should have given her chores to do to "earn" the pool. the learning effect from a deal that happened 4 years prior is not really there...
Also did OP have her daughter sign a notarized contract? Still null and void due to her kid being a minor. There are ways to teach this lesson but OP chose the wrong approach
@@lorilancaster5917 Null and void? A verbal contract between parent amd child isn't legal in any sense of the word, but if the daughter made a deal based on some stupid notion that fitting in is something all kids should aspire to do by breaking her parent then she should deal with the consequences of her choices. Teaching her a lesson would still fail if she gets out easy
In the last story, the fact of the matter is that they signed a LEGAL BINDING contract. Not only does OP get a 0/5, I'd recommend that they take it to court, because this not only qualifies as Breach of Contract, it's also likely a Building Code Violation, and I believe it could technically qualify as Property Destruction as well.
Story 3: If I was pushed until I snapped, it'd be worse than yelling at him. Then again, this guy would've had it called out WAY earlier, so it wouldn't reach that point. I've spent enough of my life just putting up with bs to be over just sitting back and saying nothing.
01:40 YTA Third story: I never thought Rslash would support an abuser. Wife is right, you and the husband are wrong. 08:55 this is the part where I would call for atleast therapy, if not straight out divorce. this IS abusive behaviour by your husband.
I'm worried about the daughter in the last story. She should be able to see that it's wrong but the fact that she's on her mums side sounds like throughout the 15 years she's been told things about her dad that make him seem like a villain. I'm more confused about how he wasn't in the house throughout those years? I get that they may not have wanted to live together but 15 years is a long time to not want to live in your own home that you pay for, that your entitled to.
Yeah, that ex wife clearly didn't intend to move out and has made ZERO effort to vacate the house. She's had 15 years to prepare for this move. How is she not ready...? Also OP apparently sent her multiple notices that he wanted her out on time. If Christmas mattered, the ex wife could have asked about that MONTHS ago. Most likely if he gives her a month, she'll want a year. LOL
As the child of divorced parents… eh. Sometimes when you’re younger the parent you’re living with can do no wrong until it’s explained to you. Doesn’t sound like OP had an financial difficulty and it’s been going on for their daughter’s whole life so “why DOESN’T dad just keep paying to keep MY MOM comfortable for another month???” I really don’t think they can come out looking like the good guy unless the compromise and then start mentioning how expensive this whole thing is.
@eveenala I'm also the child of divorced parents so I definitely understand that. Didn't think of it that way though, probably cuz I was a bit of a cynical child. Hopefully OP can have a sit down with the daughter and she might not get it at first but maybe eventually she'll understand.
@@HumbleWooper Yes, the house was likely part of a child support/alimony agreement. It may have been cheaper to let her live there than to pay an increased cash amount to her. Either way, it's bizarre that the ex wife pretended her tenancy end snuck up on her. She had 15 YEARS notice apparently.
That last story... just wow. 15 years free rent, modifying the house from 4 to 3 bedroom... how much more money does she want to suck from this guy! I hope we get an update where she does get sued and the daughter and family members all get a wake up call to the truth.
Story 1. Yes. YTA. I can understand maybe showing her the cost and understanding what it would look like if she did pay half and help her understand the privileged situation she's in. But yeah, holding a 12yo accountable for what amounts to a gift is pretty crappy. There's a reason we don't let minors sign contracts.
It wasn't a gift, she wanted one on the basis that other kids had one and wanted to fit in. We can argue that OP is the butthole but the daughter made a commitment OP tried to talk her out of, if OP caved in and didn't continue the deal the daughter would continue to do this in the future where she would make bargains and not keep her end.
I would hold her to what she said. Then keep all that money to the side and give it back to her as she graduates high school. Obviously don’t take her whole paycheck.
@@pokemaster1725 but there were many better ways to make that point. telling a 12 y/o that in 4-years time she will have to pay back several thousands of dollars in monthly installments really isn't teaching her anything OP could have sat the 12 y/o down and done some comparative math. like: that pool will cost us the same as X many chocolate bars, or Y many Disneyland trips. something tangible so that the kid can grasp the meaning of money heck, if OP wanted to do the whole payment plan thing, she could have started it when the kid was 12, using the same comparative methods, like "you can't have the expensive candy or the fancy gaming consile for X amount of time to pay back part of the pool you wanted" it's just really dumb to wait 4 years to remind someone about somehting like this
@@zilesis1 its dumb making them do it at 12, by 16 she would already have the brain capacity to realize she has to hold her end of the bargain. Talking to a 12 yo about the math that would go into a pool wouldn't resolve anything. Her mom punishing isn't the right way to go but she still has to keep her end of the bargain because if she decides to move out she wouldn't really run away from her debt sincw it'll come in the form of student debt, rent and loans/mortgages.
The verbally abusive husband. This is a straight up textbook, classic, example of the term gaslighting. He's making malicious, intentionally rude, passive, aggressive comments. Then, he turns around and proclaims that he is merely making observations. That he is not at fault at all, and that she is the one who was out of line.
Personally I think OP did what was needed when her husband made such nasty and backhanded "compliments" (if you can even call them compliments), because he's been going at it for months after months, I highly doubt OP didn't tell her husband about how she felt about it. Sometimes making a scene to get the point across is the only option in my opinion.
Oh, also, the third story is intensely personal for me because my dad spent 40 years systematically tearing down my mother like this. He was so verbally/emotionally/psychologically abusive to her that, through narcissism and thorough gaslighting, he had her thinking that him calling her a "stupid effing biotch" and an "empty headed grunt" were "terms of endearment". She has been in abusive relationships from little bitty, so it's understandable. She always told me that it was just his way of showing his love to her. Now, he says none of that ever happened, despite my being there for a lot of it. He hated for me to be around her so much because I encouraged her to not take his crap and I wasn't able to be gaslit or controlled by him. About 20 years in, and many, many talks from me and a couple of her co workers, she finally started standing up to him and he wasn't happy at all that his perfect little victim was growing a spine. Before they finally divorced, he had everyone in his side of their lives thinking he was this poor abused man because when she'd had enough of his crap, she'd scream at him to make him hear her. He's always talked over her and anyone else he didn't deem worthy of listening to. He would pick a fight when he knew someone would be coming over and by the time they got there, Mom was upset and screaming, so *she* looked like the unhinged, abusive one. I think that some of his doctors and nurses finally figured out what a prick he was and that, just maybe, Mom wasn't so bad...much, much too late. I learned not to answer his calls or texts because we'd always end up fighting and it made it that much harder on Mom when he and I did fight...he accuses both of us of poisoning his granddaughter against him, when it was he who did that. Females are stupid, so my daughter was never supposed to figure him out, even if she, like I before her, heard and saw how he treated us.
Yep. I’m so sorry you lived through that, but you saw and learned, and I hope you’ve healed. My father did that kind of thing to my mother too. The passive-aggressive remarks to push her buttons so she’d lash out in front of other people, so he could play the innocent victim. 🙄 She left him when I was 16.
About the 3rd story: OP's husband is abusing her verbally. I'm impressed OP managed to last that long. I would leave my partner if they made comments like that. And then he's manipulating her into thinking she's the asshole, and that she's the abusive one. Also, that wasn't exactly a fight. We don't know what happened, we only know that OP screamed once, not that there was a fight. It wasn't OP's fault. OP can't just magically control the way her body reacted to birthing a child, nobody can. Let me remind you, OP mentioned it has been going on for MONTHS. Months of being called fat and ugly. I don't blame her in the slightest, and the husband deserves like 4, maybe even 4,5 points.
Honestly, having seen a similar situation in my family, most likely, the daughter is only seeing things as "you're risking someone being homeless and you should NEVER sue family" regardless of the situation or the fact that the mom agreed to this and had plenty of time to find a new home. Theres a LOT of people who think that just because you're family or related in anyway, they can take advantage and it's completely wrong for you to fight back, which is complete bs.
Last story: the AUDACITY of OP's ex-wife! She at first refused to let OP in until he reminded her she was obligated to do so by the legal agreement, asked for one more month even after having 15 free-rent YEARS to arrange a new place to move in, HAD HER NEW BOYFRIEND BASICALLY DESTROY OP'S HOUSE WITHOUT HIS PERMISSION (and of course she didn't got a contractor, because that would need a permission from OP, and would probably get her reamed by a judge) AND SHE'S MAD BECAUSE OP WILL RIGHFULLY SUE HER?! She doesn't deserve one more month and TOTALLY deserves that lawsuit. Also, OP should have a sit down with his daughter and explain exactly what her mother did and why OP is on his rights to sue her, and why she doesn't deserve a extra month. If even then she doesn't get, cut her off financially. Let OP's ex take over anything the daughter wants/needs. She had 15 years of no rent, so she should have money, and if she doesn't that's not OP's problem, it's her own fault.
Story 3: I'm sorry, SHE'S the one verbally abusing HIM? Screw that guy. He better be a damn body builder with the perfect weight to be so critical of the woman who carried HIS child
The couple fight thing : It is best to not react this way as it’s very uncomfortable for people who don’t deserve it, but sometimes we have to deal with uncomfortable things. I don’t think it’s right to expect victims of abuse to stay “proper” for other people’s comfort. OP didn’t ruin Christmas, the husband did. Op just didn’t suffer in silence because she’s been suffering for a long time.
Story 1: there are much better ways to make a 12 year old responsible for a pool than putting a financial burden on them. They could clean the pool and learn to assist with pool maintenance. There's 2 idea that would do far more good to teach responsibilities than making a child pay thousands of dollars. Story 2: Perfect response, OP is not the butthole and has no obligation to take care of his ex-wife's new family, especially with how much of a major B she's being. Story 3: NTA, OP was systematically harassed until she got to her breaking point then when she gets to that point it's her fault for having a bad reaction? Story 4: OP is only the butthole because he let his ex-wife live in his family's home that's been in his family for generations, but for how he's treating his ex-wife is definitely NTA, ex-wife is a huge B.
Rslash gave story 3 op no buttholes. What he's saying is that OP kind of let it build up because her husband "doesn't say hurtful things"...but that's untrue because they were hurting OP. And OP could have communicated that what the husband was saying was hurtful instead of letting it build up. So yes, OP does bear the tiniest bit of responsibility for not being her own advocate to communicate with her husband. But she still gets 0 buttholes because it's understandable why she reacted the way she did to her husband being a butthole.
@@guitarbass22 I couldn’t tell if it was in the US but if it was then he’s lucky that it wasn’t taken from him and he only had to let her live there for 15 years.
I hope that OP in the story who finally stood up to her husband's barbs about her body does take her husband's advice and goes to get therapy. NOT because she's 'too sensitive' but because a therapist can hopefully help OP see that her husband is an abusive butthole and help OP overcome her internal demons so that she can find love for herself, understand that she should never have to tolerate abuse, and to move on to a happier, healthier place in her life and her relationships. Also, seriously rSlash? 2.5 for an abusive buttholes, and also giving a butthole score to the target of the abuse, the one who finally stood up for herself?!? Seriously?!?
@@survivedandthriving looked it up for context. Again, I’m not on Rslashs side, it’s a bad take, but god damn yall really jump on his fucking ass the second he makes an error, any human being on this earth would have bad takes if they were forced to make several daily to millions of people, no one is saying “here’s why I disagree and here’s how what you’re saying could be harmful,” its just “seriously?????? How could you!?!?!?!?”
When a woman has a child for a man. She’s sacrificing her body to bring joy to both of you. When I look at my wife’s stretch marks I see a beautiful body and lucky to have such a great lady.
@@nikkikei4984 I can see it that way, but I see it more as “when a woman has a baby for a man she’s sacrificing her body to bring joy” with a misplaced period in the middle.
In story 3, the husband was dog whistling his wife for gaining weight, a very common tactic narcissists use to emotionally abuse their partners. So that when he subtly digs at her publicly, she would "explode" and "cause a scene".
On the insulting body shaming husband, I disagree with you. Calling an abuser out in front of people is gonna be more effective than doing so in private. The family should know how horrible OP’s husband is.
Nah nah nah nah nah On the third story with the husband that constantly was "making observations" let's not forget that this has been happening for months. OP clearly has been upset by these as he always replied with the stupid line of "making observations". Meaning that she HAS been talking to him about it but he doesn’t care. That is borderline gaslighting and straight up abusive and you RSlash in the past have said that sometimes the only way for you to call out these people is in front of their inlaws to put light to it. Don't be hypocritical here with it.
Story 3: Sounds to me like OP, rightfully, snapped. Sometimes that happens at inopportune moments because the boiling point has been reached and control gets lost. Maybe the family SHOULD have heard how much OP was being hurt by their family member. It sounds like the husband needed a bit of humbling and shaming himself so he can see, even just a little, of how he made his wife feel daily. Is that the “mature” thing to do? No. But sometimes it’s just what needs to happen.
Third story rSlash, start doing what OP's husband did to your wife and see how she reacts. I'm willing to bet she'd lose her cool too, and I am betting she probably wouldn't care who was around because she'd be really tired of being fat-shamed by someone who supposedly loved her and who she carried a child for.
God… I really feel for story 3 I was broken up over text on my ex's birthday, after inviting me over to his house with family. I drove over to his house, tossed my card at him and said ”Happy Birthday” and sobbed uncontrollably and left. And then had the gall to say I embarrassed him in front of his family. He could have waited until after his birthday and he was too much of a wuss to do it in person. Fml. Edit: spelling and grammar errors
In the first story, I feel like the right thing for the parents to have done would be to get her a YMCA(or another family center) membership and had her use her allowance to pay half of the membership fee. Buying a pool is a bit excessive. 😬
I just can't comprehend how the ex was allowed to live in op's house that's completely legally his while he probably had to have different living arrangements and still pay for his place and likely his arranged place.
the first story about the pool - a similar situation happened with me as a kid, not quite as extreme but still similar. I was 14 & was invited on a student ambassador trip that cost around $5-6k, my parents couldn't really afford it but could make it work with some strict budgeting. So the deal was I would repay $3k when I started working. I got my first job & my parents sat me down to talk about the $3k i owed them for the trip, we worked it out so that I could repay them slowly and still reasonably afford to function & save money for other things I wanted as long as I was careful with my $ and budgeted (the exact thing my parents did for me so that I could go on the trip). I ultimately repaid around $1500 before I went off to university and the other $1500 debt was forgiven so that I could focus on school / as a high school graduation gift. I am so grateful that this happened because I was already good at managing money before I went to university as a result. my point here is as long a the parents we reasonable about how the debt was repaid and didn't just say all your money belongs to us until repaid I see nothing wrong with the parents asking the daughter to pay back the debt, or at least a token portion of it. the post didn't give enough detail to make a judgement on this. also an above ground pool can be had for less than $5k, not the 25-60k you were talking about. Meaning the debt could have been a total of 2.5k ish, a much more reasonable sum. but again the post didn't go into enough detail to judge this.
*First OP:* OP's husband is right; OP can't expect a 12-year-old to stick to her end of the bargain. She'd agree to anything if it means getting a pool. I get the lesson OP was trying to teach her daughter, but she was 12! OP is TA. *Second OP:* While I do feel bad for OP's ex's kids, they are not his responsibility. Also, if OP's ex wanted OP to help out financially, she _probably_ shouldn't express regret for not cheating on him. Or staying with him just for the financial benefits. OP is NTA. *Third OP:* How would OP's husband like it if OP made "observations" about him? "Huh, the passionate hugging was fine, but not as good as it used to be." OP is NTA. I hope she leaves him. *Fourth OP:* Who's the judge who made that decision? I just want to talk! OP's ex had _one_ job, and didn't follow through. OP had every right to sue his ex. I wouldn't be surprised if his ex was in their daughter's ear and painted OP in a negative light. OP is NTA. Maybe his ex in-laws can let the ex wife move in with them. Uh-oh, rSlash short-circuited again.
Story about ex-wife living rent-free in OP’s house: I am a bit surprised that in 15 YEARS, OP never set foot into the house to see that it had been modified. He is the equivalent of a landlord here, and unless the contract was written with a clause forbidding his presence on the property, how could he possibly trust someone that much? He should have at least had annual inspections for safety and health issues. Termite inspection. Something.
Rslash, this might be weird but I love when you talk abt being a parent. My dad never loved me and hurt my mom. I’ve never known how a father should act, but you’re sorta teaching me lol. You sound like an amazing dad, so thank you so much
Also she proved once before that she will lie to get what she wants. What’s to say she’s doing it again? Yeah she moved to a smaller house but doesn’t mean that they are in need. I hope OP goes to court and gets full custody. Sounds like with everything going on at the ex’s everyone could benefit.
That 16yo gonn talk to her college friends like: “I went into depth at only 22!” “22?! I owed money at only 20!” Her: “uhh, well my mon put me in about 17k depth at 12” :D
op is justified in my opinion her husband has been chipping away at her with 'observations' all that time, like you said she is innocent in all this as are the inlaws but the husband is completely responsible for ruining that dinner since he was the sole catalyst for the outburst.
In the last story, the ex probably had all this time to manipulate the daughter into taking her side, hoping to use her as leverage to not get kicked out by OP.
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no
No
No
That husband was like “Hey, you can’t verbally abuse me! Only I can verbally abuse you!”
In other words, he's the only one who's "privileged" to dish it out, but nobody's allowed to give it back to him.
But in rslash words ITS note correct to do It in front because ITS wrong to the same people that didnt help her either in this verbal abuse because ITS More important to eat the food AND smile in family
That's why the woman that was being verbally abused was in the right to call her (probably) soon to be ex out.
Agreed. If this is what it took for him to finally be, “speechless” I’m calling it fair to do it loudly and in public since it seems to be the only thing to finally get him to STOP insulting OP to her face, in front of friends, and in front of family with absolutely NO ONE speaking up for her. Disgusting.
When a woman gets pregnant, grows, births, and raises a newborn - yeah, obviously her body is going to be different after! And we need to stop letting people shame new mothers with this INSANE idea she has any control over what pregnancy did to her body. You want a woman who never changes? Get a sex-bot online. But if you want a real adult to have a family with try treating your wife like a human being!!!
@@naruluffy1568 r/ihadastroke
Rslash's take on the 3rd story kind of got to me.
While being completely aware of how absolutely horrible the husband was being and how greatly it was affecting the wife, Rslash cared so much more about the "public appearance".
I'm sorry but we're allowed to be humans. Can we not push the mindset of a perfect victim? After so much verbal abuse that really affects your mental health and self worth, it's not so unexpected to break down. We're not perfect and mental health is no joke.
She did not ruin Christmas dinner for anyone. HER Christmas dinner was ruined, her everyday life was ruined. Those people only had to deal with the aftermath of those horrible things that she has been enduring. They only had to deal with it for one moment. If anything, nothing was ruined. They should be happy to finally see what a pos that man is.
Can we not blame victims for rightfully expressing their feelings when they're constantly wronged?
He's 100% never been in that situation. And also callous.
Shes human no duh, but she is also an adult. Imagine if everytime there was something you didn't agree with or you're having a bad day you just resort to shouting your way through it. That's childish and every entitled to think you're the only one who has things going on, and nobody should be happy cause you're not happy.
Your so called victim mindset is only selfish. How you going to say her Christmas was ruined like nobody else is present in that room? Everyone's day was ruined. Whatever issues she may be going through in her relationship is exactly that, HER relationship. If it was a problem she should have dealt with it a lot sooner than waiting for Christmas, and it should have been something the two of them discussed.
I think it's hard for someone in a happy relationship to understand how dysfunctional ones work. the relationship that handles things the way he's saying don't have the problems OP is having. rslash is being obtuse
There’s always one story that he gets wrong. Someday it’s gonna bite him in the butt and I’ve already got the popcorn ready
Victims, aren't we all.
Story 3: There’s something we call "Being pushed over the edge." Husband pushed OP over the edge with his nasty comments and then wondered why OP was mad at him.
And making them in front of family is even worse
Agreed. He deserves 4 out of 5, not 2.5.... I don't think rslash realises exactly how bad this situation is. He is being verbally abused. And he clearly doesn't have an issue with doing it in front of his family. Therefore, she SHOULD call him out IN FRONT of them. I would have backed her up if I was an in law. That is messed up. He is abusive. OP she revaluate her marriage, before he does it to his children. I believe he will.
Yeah, a person can only endure so much verbal abuse before they snap. OP’s husband is lucky it was a verbal snap and not a slap/punch in the face snap.
Yeah OP still handled that situation better than i would have. I would've slapped him so hard that my whole arm stings, then said to him, "You know, you could have taken a slap better..."
I agree, husband was bullying his wife and she finally snapped. rSlash needs to grow a fucking spine, everytime someone has enaugh and is snapiing, rSlash is " well he/she should be much nicer in fighting back"
OP talked about ruining Christmas for him and you know what? Good. He doesn't deserve it for all the crap he have OP. Then, when she finally calls him? He runs off like a complete coward.
On the 4th story---My first thought, and the one that gives me nightmares, is this:
WAS THAT WALL A LOAD BEARING WALL?
This is the biggest and most dangerous mistake made by amateur home remodelers.
The integrity of the house is at stake. OP's ex- and her boyfriend may have destroyed OP's family home!
Oh god
I'm just imagining the first story going to court.
"Your honor, she made a promise to me when she was 12 years old. She should pay!"
"... she was how old?"
No judge would take such a case seriously. Ever.
@@itsOasus maybe a middjw ages...the old ages on would.
Dang, i never know how to writte middleages..i give up
The case would never make it before a judge
Reminds me of that Entitled Parents story where the mom stole her daughter's car and destroyed her license, and tried to argue that they legally belonged to her since the girl was her daughter.......Nevermind her daughter was 22, lived on her own, and the car was in her name.
Seriously the mom tried to argue that to a judge. Her lawyer wasn't aware of the daughter's age or living situation until the trial and started to sweat bullets when he knew the situation.
This is like that Southpark Episode where a court ordered Kyle to suck Cartman's balls because they saw a Leprechaun ^.^
Story 3: So it’s perfectly okay for HIM to publicly humiliate you, but when you publicly humiliate him you need therapy and to get over your insecurities? Yeah I’d take that red flag and fly him straight to the cleaners. NTA. He got what he deserved.
You can clearly tell that RSlash doesn't have to deal with abusive people that often if he really thinks that you can just pull someone aside and be like "Hey stop doing the abusive thing you've been doing to me in private for so long." and it would actually work.
For real, I mean I'm glad he's in a safe environment, but how could he be so tone deaf about this? You'd think that he'd at least have a /basic/ understanding of abuse and emotional reactions, or at least some empathy instead of moving to criticize her... Her husband literally manipulated her into thinking she's in wrong, she's not safe enough to just "talk it through"!!
@@kornykatz yeah, it reminds me of people who hear about abusive relationships and they're like "why didn't you leave sooner?"
i know he means well but you'd think he'd figure it out after several of these, he's made multiple comments where he gives people an ahole score because they "caused a scene" or something
sometimes causing a scene and embarrassing someone in front of their friends or family is the only way to get them to stop
Usually he has great advice on abusive relationships. I think in this case, he's not seeing the bigger picture. I think he read through it too quickly and didn't process it properly. After all, he says he reacts to most of these as he's recording. This seems like a story he didn't realize he should've read over first.
Yeah its kind of frustrating
@@kornykatz Because people who have a good/healthy relationship don't like to think about the possiblity of people being bad people, it's very tone-deaf and awful, and I would hate if in the future, his daughter or any other future would come to him with a problem involving abuse, because this is the same type of person to say "Oh no, people don't do that, you must be imagining it."
Story 4: I think this was a good, dynamic decision on the part of the judge. Instead of making OP pay child support and making OP’s former stay at home wife find stable housing, the judge made the house (+bills) the child support. OP’s 100% in the right for suing the mom about the demolition, and the daughter will come to understand that.
I have to disagree. This was an example of how postponing hardship just makes it worse. I know that divorce is horrible to go through, but I'm stunned that they thought that this agreement would be a good idea. I know that child support and spousal support can be onerous, but it allows for a cleaner separation as all assets are distributed and each person can begin rebuilding their new life. Now they're in a huge mess because of this terrible agreement. If you disagree, then think of it this way. Would anyone in their right mind, buy a house after a divorce and then let their ex stay in it for free for 15 years to forgo payments to them? No, no one would do that.
@@derrickabbey8139 It seems you did not listen, OP did not buy the house it was in his family for 3 generations ...
And yea kick the ex and sue her also have a long talk with you daughter and explain everything to her is she still on your ex side ... i am sorry to say it but she's a lost cause or maybe in the future she will come to reason but well.
@@DarkForse I did listen to the story and I understood what was going on. My example was a hypothetical situation that would be legally similar. I gave that example to show how ludicrous OP's agreement with their ex was. The legal system doesn't really care how long a property is in someone's family. What I was saying is that OP set himself up for hardship later on, instead of just figuring out a housing situation for his ex and their daughter when the divorce happened.
I do not understand how tf the judge thought that was a good idea. It's not like they bought it, it was passed down through op's family for 3 generations. She should have been kicked out when the divorce originally happened
And if she wanted to stay there op could rent it to her not have it be part of the divorce settlement
The first story, the right lesson could have been “just because your friends have pools doesn’t mean you get one”, or “prove to us that you can be responsible for your chores for x period of time and we can discuss the responsibility that it is to care for a pool”. The money isn’t the issue the “lesson” is, you just didn’t teach her the right lesson to begin with.
The lesson being that of you want something you should work for it? OP made a deal for half the cost which if its in the hundreds would be acceptable but in the thousands a bit iffy. Her daughter would eventually deal with things on her own when it comes to buying her own stuff with partial payments and loans from banks and loan sharks
@@pokemaster1725 a ground pool costs a minimum of 10000
@@hellahothippo4861 student loan minimum $40,000
It's really simple, minors cannot legally enter into financial contracts, so she's 100% safe.
@@Nerobyrne not after 18
Story 3: She was pushed over the edge with fat shaming comments, she couldn’t think clearly and lashed out because that’s the normal human response. She’s been dealing with this for months and at some point, it had to spill out
then she should lose weight
@@hunter.5625 It’s never that easy, and from the story it sounds like she isn’t even fat
Story 3: people's breaking points don't always happen conveniently in private, OP didn't overreact and if his family doesn't understand that he's being a verbally abusive jerk then they're part of the problem.
She should have told him to stop before it came to a breaking point.
@@wta1518 How was she supposed to know she’d break down at that moment? It’s not like people can just schedule their mental breakdowns.
@@firentialombardi7951 That's why you try to solve the problem before you get to your breaking point.
Story 3: The worst part of it aren't even the mean comments, It's the gaslighting afterwards that OP is the problem here and should go to therapy. This is classical behaviour of toxic realtionships, he's manipulative and cruel.
Definitely.
And not just gaslighting by the husband, but by responses like rSlash's - hey abuse victim, you should just pull your abuser aside and talk to them calming about how their abuse is wrong - has an underlying 'you overreacted, you should have dealt with it in a less bad way (because it's not as bad as your reaction to it was). As if an abuser will say 'oh! my bad! I apologize and will change!'.
I am 100% behind the woman who shouted at her husband at Christmas dinner. She didn't ruin Christmas dinner, he did.
She could have definitely handled the situation better, but she still is in the right.
@@wta1518 I think how she handled it was totally appropriate for the amount of abuse she was receiving from the man who is supposed to lift her up and not tear her down. I'm not advocating going Karen all the time... but sometimes, SOMETIMES, making a scene is the only way to go. Good for her, I say.
@@-NiamhWitch- She should have told him to stop much sooner.
@Squirt n' Run Yes, she did. If he didn't listen that's on him, but not telling him to stop is on her.
@@wta1518 She probably did and he probably gaslit her by telling her "it's just an observation" so much that she believed it wasn't that big a deal (as evidenced by how much she's downplaying the abuse in her post).
The third story is literally the PERFECT example on reactive abuse. Not her fault at all and she is not in the wrong.
Story 3: Confronting abuse is NEVER wrong. Call it out, loud and immediately!
If he was foolish enough to believe his behaviour was ok for months on end, then if that was her first confrontation, it's unlikely to lead to a positive outcome. Indeed, the husband stormed off to stay at a friends. If you have any interest in reconciling the relationship while achieving a fair outcome, then a softer approach. IFF after trying this a few times, setting boundaries, and the husband is still doing this, then yah, cut loose and hell be damned.
She could have confronted it way before, it went on for months. I think she got bold because there's an audience, which is a tad immature in my eyes.
R/Slash is correct. It's hideous when couples fight in front of you.
If she'd handled it like an adult and not had a tanty then everyone would have thought the husband was the AH. Her public reaction does not make her look great.
@teresae.8932 First of all, we don't know whether she told him that she is uncomfortable with his comments or not. More so, those comments should NEVER be said to ANYONE in the first place. That's just plain bullying.
And IF she never outright told him that she's not OK with his behavior, it's understandable. Because people often downplay these kind of issues and we've been taught that even trying to fight for ourselves will be seen as overreacting.
It's also scary to confront your abuser alone. I'm sure that, after he started making such comments, she realized that the person she married is not who she taught he was. So, who knows how he'd react, if he's already feeling so comfortable to put her down after she gave birth to THEIR child?! And she was right in the assumption because, although he's made his wife feel miserable, he still blamed HER in the end. He did not even try to self reflect or care for his partner that he decided to have a child with.
It's much safer to confront someone in a public space, especially if it's family. It's not shameful. It's just someone trying to get out of a bad situation, and they should be helped, not made to feel guilt for being human.
It's unfortunate that it happened during Christmas dinner, but it was her husband who pushed her over the edge. He's the one who "ruined" Christmas dinner by degrading his wife in front of everyone else.
@@greatlygoofygoblin THANK YOU. Seriously!
Story 3: while I agree that, ideally, you shouldn't scream at people like that in public settings, I feel that OP is not at all at fault for reacting the way she did and is 100% justified. The fact that she referred to his comments (which, frankly, are verbal abuse) as "observations" makes me think that she probably _has_ talked to him about how he has been taking to her and about her, and that this was what he called it. In fact, from the way she tells the story, she's probably tried to talk to him in private several times and he's minimised his abuse as "I'm just making observations, quit being so sensitive." I hope she gets far, far away from him and goes on to live a happy and healthy life.
Weight gain after pregnancy is 100% normal, her husbands snide remarks aren't "observations" he's belittling her. Ops in the right for standing up for herself and the husband is a hypocrite for saying she "embarrassed" him, despite embarrassing her by remaking on her looks infront of thier shared family.
They are both handling this wrong. It is normal to gain some fat after a pregnancy, it is normal for a partner to dislike it for personal or medical reasons, this should be discussed. Neither of them handled it appropriately. In essence, what they both did was try to not talk about it and let's hope that it will go away by itself, and choose to take this "battle" in front of others.
It is a very small issue, that due to the nature in which it was handled, lead to a disaster. Alike a snowball rolling down the mountain creating an avalanche.
I think they should have talked about it, the husband should have told her about his concern after a while and should encourage her to lose weight. OP should have told her husband in private(preferably in general, necessary for this husband) that she was not fine with his remarks from the beginning,.
Now the aftermath really makes the husband a butthole, as he still chooses to ignore that he might have done something wrong, while OP starts questioning herself about this whole encounter, which is what we should all do even when we are right. Hopefully they can see eye to eye and live happily from now on, and I hope OP would lose some weight by eating healthier food prepared by the husband :)) (or deal with this however they see fit, I don't care what they do as long as everyone is happy and healthy - not necessarily fit)
Also, I hate the way weight is seen by society, you do not gain weight, you gain mass, this makes physics a bit harder to learn, and gives my teachers some ammo for more dad jokes than I could handle :)) - this misconception is true not only in English
Exactly! If he didn't want it out in the open then he shouldn't have made comments to her in the open and in front of people. It's a 2 way street babes.
@@JOHNDOE-bn3lx I don't give two shits about him "disliking it for personal or medical reasons." A woman's body is NEVER the same after having a baby. That's not a bad thing. OP's husband should have known that, and should have accepted it, before getting married and becoming a father. It's not like she went from stick figure to XXXL, she probably just has the mommy pouch, it happens! And he should love her anyway! This bullshit about him being justified is just that. BULLSHIT. And he should know better than to EVER, *EVER* throw out snide comments about a woman's weight, whether or not she is or has been pregnant! No woman wants to hear about her weight from anyone except her doctor. DUH. OP is not wrong in the slightest, her husband is just a jackass who needs to shut his damn mouth.
If you can't handle the thought of your partner possibly having a few lingingering pounds after pregnancy you shouldn't be having a child you're partner is going through one of the biggest shifts in their life hormones are different their body is different and they're trying to figure all of this out after going through the most painful traumatic experiences they can live through now with the addition of a screaming baby yes you can have a conversation with your partner if you're concerned for their heath but you aren't going to become dangerously overweight unless you're already treading that line the vast vast vast majority of women will never look the way they did before they had a child if you can't handle that simply don't have one and she was being verbally abused and put down over the course of months and then he had the audacity to try to publicly embarrass her she had a perfectly reasonable reaction
Story 3: hubby was counting on the idea that OP would be too uncomfortable to bring it up in front of all these people. OP flipped that discomfort on him. Props.
She put up with his abuse for multiple months. She hit her breaking point. I think what she did was perfect, because that’s what he deserved to be called out in front of everybody for treating the mother of his child. His wife is partner this way.
Story about the POS fat shaming and gaslighting husband: Ohhhh boy rslash you are so wrooong here. You are asking an abuse victim (who probably had to deal with PPD and the verbal abuse at the same time) to remain calm and collected while she gets abused and shamed in front of her extended family? OP handled the situation as well as anyone who has been suffering abuse for months would.
Keeping emotional abuse secret and private is how physical abuse starts and goes unnoticed for years, I grew up around that and most of it was kept secret even from me so I support having an argument with witnesses that can mediate
Story 3: You do NOT get to police the reaction of the abused.
No one challenged the husband so what should she have done? Suck it up again? Be quiet while he does it again and again? No absolutely not. She was pushed over the edge, I cannot and will not blame her for shouting.
I get the feeling that if the genders were reversed, and it was the wife constantly nagging the husband about his weight, absolutely no one would be on his side if he had an outburst life the OP did against her husband. Just saying, fat shaming is not only allowed, but encouraged against men. But it's a mortal sin if it's against women.
@@jimboa20 how did you read that from what I said??? Abuse is abuse. Regardless of gender or orientation. This could be a homosexual relationship and I’d still feel the same.
@@BigFishSmolPond Because that is my lived experience as an overweight male. Fat shaming is actively encouraged if the target is male. But don't you DARE fat shame a woman.
@@jimboa20 While you are correct that people seem more likely to defend women, I wouldn't say no one, I'd be quite unhappy if I found a relative had been speaking to their spouse this way regardless of their sex. Though, I would like to point out that this Abby person made no mention of their sex mattering to them.
Also, something that I feel I should point out about a lot of the people that get fussy about body shamming on the internet, they usually have nothing against skinny shaming for whatever reason. Not saying the person above is one of those people, just pointing out that the people you see defending fat women but then insulting fat men, probably don't actually care.
@@jimboa20 as a dude who was fat shamed, your experience doesn't mean that no one would defend a guy getting fat shamed. And, I have actually seen A LOT of women being fat shamed by other women and men without someone calling them out (which I did often try to call out anyone fat shaming anyone)
Fat shaming is an issue no matter the gender and isn't okay. We live in a society that shames everyone for anything they can, and often the shaming overlaps genders. Your "whataboutism" here isn't helping men who have been fat shamed, it just makes you look like a jerk
In what universe did the ex wife think that saying "I wished I cheated on you during our marriage" would make op change his mind? NTA your ex wife is being entitled you have no obligation to support them if you want to that should be your choice not hers
" I wish I cheated on you.. Now help meeeee with my problem "..lol.. The ex is ridiculous
That’s exactly what I was thinking!! 😂
This is like a choosing beggar's story:
"I want it for free"
"No"
"You... (every insult under sun)"
5 minute later:
"So... can I get it for free?"
That was just her lashing out to try and hurt him. I doubt she thought it through that well, but it's _possible_ her goal was to emotionally shatter him to the point where she could manipulate him into agreeing to do what she wanted; it's not unheard of for abusers to do that.
Story one: I love how "it is NOT about the money!" when it is ALL about the money now and that is how the daughter is going to see it. Honestly, sounds like the daughter has a good head on her shoulders, is saving for her own dress, and doesn't seem overly spoiled. This "lesson" has nothing to do with keeping promises anymore and the parents should have made a promise that their daughter could keep, like taking care of the pool, instead they make a HUGE promise with their CHILD and sit on it till she starts making money then suddenly "Remember that promise you made as a kid well we are collecting NOW when you just started taking steps to become independent of us!!!". People were also calling out OP in the comments about how the pool adds value to their property and if they did make her pay would they give her a cut of the sale of the house since it would be half her pool? OP didn't answer but since SHE didn't promise to pay her daughter back, if they sell the house, my guess is "NO!". OP gives off the vibes of one of those parents who "cripples" their child's success so they can keep them under their thumb and OP had a "promise" she was waiting on that would do just that for her...
As her legal guardian, you are responsible for your children's financial decisions until they grow older and more responsible. If she wanted to spend $10 000 buying a horse, like basically all 12 year old girls would love to do, you don't give her a loan so she can spend money she doesn't have. That's what credit card companies do.
Third story: I disagree with you completely RSlash, the husband is the one who brought up her weight in front of his family and made the situation awkward. She's been silently dealing with his comments about her body for months, she just so happened to snap in front of other people. Don't start problems, there won't be any problems
She still should have told the husband to stop privately before it got to that point. Unless I'm missing something, the first time she told him to stop was at the dinner, and because of that she did contribute to ruining the dinner. Communication is extremely important in a relationship, and not telling your partner that you don't like what they're doing for months is not an effective way to communicate. I'm absolutely not defending the husband here, but rSlash is right that OP could have handled the situation much better.
But her way of dealing with it didn't actually solve anything. People don't get screamed at and think yes I'm definitely in the wrong. That's how kids act when they throw tantrums, not adults who want an issue solved. Well her reaction is understandable, it's still childish
@@wta1518 i like how you add in your own assumptions when you dont really know.
She just pushed out his child. Maybe he should shut the fuck up
@@terraguttierez2996 I'm not assuming, I'm using the information given. And yes, he should shut up. I never once defended what he did. Fun fact: it's possible for someone to be in the right, but still not do everything perfectly. Crazy, right?
@@wta1518 "the first time she told him to stop was at the dinner, and because of that she did contribute to ruining the dinner". you honestly dont even know if shes been telling him every time he does it or just then but of course you assume its a "communication error on her part" just ew.
10:12 yeah YOU would probably do that if it was your wife because from the sounds of it she’s not abusive and hasn’t been putting you down for months so you don’t have any feelings to bottle up. “If I were in your shoes” really is invalidating because you’re NOT in OP’s shoes. There’s always “better ways” to handle it like not putting down your wife for months.
If your self esteem was slowly getting pecked away you would break eventually, Dabney. Dinner with the in-laws maybe isnt the place to talk about it, but it was the straw that broke the camel's back.
Plus, its better she have support than trying to confront an abuser alone.
"Hey kid who has no idea about money or working, do you want a pool? Yes! Ok great" what fantastic parenting
Story 4: She herself signed an agreement and then proceeded to violated said agreement, probably expecting OP to just suck it up.
I do have the same idea that the ex manipulated the daughter as well
She got her boyfriend to vandalize OPs house!
And this was a home owned for generations. And she wanted to keep it. I would be livid !
I find the fact that OP's family wants to give the ex more time very confusing. She basically stole the house that has been in OP's family for generations and now she wants to keep it, excuse me but WHAT THE ACTUAL FU*K IS THAT.
Also this agreement, tf is this? She was allowed to own a house that OP had inherited (Which means it's OP's, because stuff you inherit isn't a part of marital property, unless of course OP added his ex to the house as an owner. Either way it's dumb) and the judge literally allows OP's ex to just own it for 15 years, I am seriously strugiling to understand the logic.
I mean yeah it's better to lose the house for 15 years rather than forever, but let's be real here from what the ex is acting like, I think we can expect that she was thinking that the house is just hers.
NTA, OP's family are acting concerningly wierd in this story.
In the Husband's position, I'd have given her a bit of leeway if that was made by a pro she paid and who did it properly (still would have sued), but her BF? A third party non official guy?
No way. Throw her the book. Don't modify other's houses, stoopid.
@@lampionmancz I have doubts about this story because of this wierd house stuff. I have no idea what it can even be called or how any lawyer or judge has agreed to it.
Story 3
You're right about the fact that couples arguing infront of others is inappropriate RSlash. However, if she hadn't been pushed to a snapping point I doubt she would have done that. Sometimes when you take that much daily abuse constantly you just get to a point where you can't take it anymore and you hysterically lash out without being able to think about the consequences. I think she needs to apologize to the family since she does feel bad and it wasn't intentional and seriously think about dumping her husband.
He was emotionally abusing her about her weight. I'm on her side. I would purposely wait to be around family to scream it all out loud
I hope his fan rallies with OP can call him out on his toxic behavior. OP gave birth! She may be working and having to do things where losing weight isn’t too on the list. I bet he doesn’t motivate her either and thinks his hateful remarks are enough!
I wouldve started bawling and saying "you think im a fat pig dont you??? You dont think im beautiful anymore!" Basically going the simpathy route, basically acting like a sad sap to make him look even worse.
Glad to OP Grow a spine though I do feel bad about the in-laws yikes
@@giulianaartist6664 I agree and add that he’s been saying hateful things like this for months
that's pretty toxic imo. bringing out your issues in front of family is just really sucky. OP should have tore her husband a new one in private long before it ever got to the dinner
but maybe i'm biased because i still flinch at loud voices because of aunts and uncles "screeming it all out loud" at family gatherings for years
My husband has gone from “I’m not a fan of the Reddit guy you listen to” to chiming in during stories lol
The ex-wife is evil and manipulative, and karma manifested in the worst of ways for it. He owes her nothing but, making sure their kids are in a safer environment.
Exactly
imagine paying a prostitute for being f^cked by other client / men
why? because she regrets that she didn't had more clients sooner.
Yeah not only did she burn the bridge she also kicked the ashes into his eyes when she said "i should have cheater on you as well" and still expected help after that comment.
@@criscat1750 yeah she is such a doofus
I never understood the cruelty of people to let other individuals suffer because they hate one singular person. What her children do? Do the brothers not care about their siblings at all? Someone is suffering from cancer, and you still take their money in child support? This is disgusting. You can hate her all you want, because she is an evil person.
I can understand those individuals not being your concern, but to say that you won't even care that they Starve is incredibly evil. By that logic, no one should care about anybody who isn't directly related to them by Blood, so homeless people go fuck themselves.
In stories like the last one, I like to imagine scenarios where the kid realizes they trusted a monster and come crawling back to the parent they were taught to hate
Story 4: the reason your daughter is on her mom's side it because from her perspective, you out of nowhere went to the house in immediately kicked her out with no warning. Now on top of that you are also going to sue her so not only will she be homeless but won't have a penny. I don't think you're wrong at all, your ex got so much from this deal and couldn't even do the barebow minimum of this agreement. And considering what she did behind your back I wouldn't let her stay in the house for another month giving her time to do something sneaky, explain the situation to your family and help them understand exactly how much she trying to screw you over.
story 4, Ops ex got to live in a house, rent free for 15 years while Op paid for everything and lived elsewhere? WTF was that judge thinking when they made this ruling?
There’s the thing for the third story: Even if OP took him aside, he wouldn’t have stopped. He’d just minimize how she felt and tell her she’s being oversensitive anyways. Besides, if you’re going to disrespect your wife over and over again, you don’t deserve the courtesy of being told in private to shut up. He pushed OP and found out she won’t take it anymore. OP did the EXACT right thing
She gets 0/5
He gets 3.5 for being a bully and not a husband
And now thinking about it, and no offense to R/slash, it seems he has a thing of picking and choosing between criticizing the OP for exposing the person in the wrong in public and telling them they did the right thing and honestly it doesn’t make much sense
The fact that she referred to them as "observations" makes me think that she probably _has_ talked to him and that this was what he called it. From way she tells the story, she's probably tried to talk to him in private several times and he's minimised his abuse as "I'm just making observations, quit being so sensitive."
@@TheKillerqueen40 Agreed! She probably has talked to him about it and he’s said that to her and once he did it again, it was too much for her
@@TheKillerqueen40 And that, kids, is what we call ✨GASLIGHTING✨
I suspect, and have for a while, that he throws in the occasionally objectively bad call to drive comment engagement. Nothing pushes people to interact like 'I disagree'
It's also only one side of the story.
I want a update to story 4. I love court drama and knowing he is in the right is going to be a blood bath. Not sure where they are located but her breaking the contract she signed could mean more in that contract is broken now and he might be able to go after ALL the money he payed because she didn't keep up her end like he did. I really want to see the outcome!!! Anyone else get the feeling that the ex has no savings even with the fact that she hasn't had to pay for housing and utilities for 15 years? She comes off as the squatter type who didn't plan on moving out at all and was going force OP to keep paying because "the bills are in YOUR name not mine! LOL Good luck!!!". Daughter is old enough to understand the legality of their divorce so I would 100% sit her down to explain the agreement, that the house is still going to be there with her room just that her dad would be living there instead, and how he has been the one making sure her and her mother wouldn't go without a house/utilities, not her mom... I have a feeling Ex has already spun it as them BOTH being homeless, with NO place to go, and probably lied that OP was kicking them out to sell... If daughter still can't figure it out after explaining well she has the truth so she might someday...
There was 2 updates to it, but they got removed by the mods.
@@jordan_caglewhat happened in those updates ?
@@MTLGSE I don’t know, they were removed by the mods. I couldn’t read them.
@@jordan_cagle Really F MODS :(
So instead of getting a relatively cheap above ground pool they got a full on pool installed and forced their 12 year old to go into debt? A lot of 12 year olds aren't even responsible enough to feed themselves let alone go onto debt
Especially since in ground pools can cost $50,000+ and that's not including the monthly maintenance of chlorine if you want it chlorinated or salt if you want a saltwater pool
It didnt even say it what kind of pool it was..
@@fallendeusnsidering she talked about it being expensive and feeling the need to split costs, I doubt it was a large above ground pool whoch you can find at Walmart for less than $600
Do you really think OP is doing all this over $300? Four years later?
Not something that would affect you even a year later if you can afford it (which OP clearly states they can)
Just using common sense, it's obvious OP is talking about a below ground pool. If she isn't then she's even more of a idiot
than before
Not saying that $600 is cheap but, again, OP clearly states that they can afford it. So I doubt OP would chase after her own daughter four years later for $300. Maybe $12,000 (which doesn't make her not an idiot) but until OP clarifies herseld, it's just common sense to assume she doesn't mean a $600 pool 💀
This is why 17 and younger can’t get into verbal or written contracts
Story 2, I can't help but laugh when the ex-wife was like "I wish I had actually cheated on you while I was using you ... but still give me money damnit!" Talk about delusional!
She thinks she was in the right for all the things that she did while married to OP. She can't understand why OP is being such an ass to her after the cheating, using him for money and insulting him.
The third story about the fat shaming, I think I would have broke down crying in front of the inlaws and let them deal with the husband
"Verbally abusing" abuse is about a pattern of poor treatment. You cannot yell once and have it be abuse. You *can* however repeatedly shame someone about their appearance and have it be part of a pattern of abuse. For example you could constantly imply they need to have a different body and then when called out make it out that you're the real victim who should get an apology.
I agree that its not an ideal setup, but tbh its hard for someone to be treated poorly for a while and respond perfectly
I don't understand why some people are okay with insulting and embarrassing someone but don't expect it in return.
You can just don’t make a big scene in front of family
@@boyboy81_ to give a chance to the abuser to twist the story and make you the wrong one?
Nonono, make sure that everyone knows that the abuser is the one at fault.
@Pk_Sly99 why not? He insults her in front of friends and family and she isn't allowed to respond? Humiliating him is fair play and besides, it wasn't deliberate, it was being pushed over the edge.
Again you can do that just don’t ruin special events just because someone wants to to lose weight he should not have said that
@@boyboy81_ I’m sorry but the wife wasn’t in the wrong in the slightest it’s ALL on the husband be pushed her to that point
Story 3. OP is being psychologically and emotionally abused by her husband. He is undermining her confidence, body shaming her, and then gaslighting her into believing she's "over sensitive" or "over reacting". In all likelihood, this is just a hint of how he treats her in private.
So actually, she SHOULD react to it in front of other people. It's safer to address it with other people present. AND, by doing so, witnesses to the situation can help to reaffirm that OP's husband is being abusive.
It is never safe to confront abusers in private. Things can always escalate. It is important to have backup.
There is no way that OP’s daughter knows the truth about the house. If the ex had to move out when the daughter turns 18, then the daughter was 3 when the agreement was signed. So she probably believes the mom actually has ownership of the house.
If I was the daughter in that situation my dad would have grounded me and told me to stay out of grown folks business. That’s exactly what Op should have done
@@locusxe1411 I would probadly remind them that I'm a grown up now and that also means that I cannot be grounded.
@@tamsel814 18 year olds aren't really all that grown since they still live with parents.
@@tamsel814 she can go live with her mommy
I can't believe he was paying for two households for 15 years.
Last story, if she gets an extra month to move out, there won't be a house left to move out of.
Story 3: Heck no. OP was pushed and pushed and pushed and took it and took it and he finally pushed one centimetre too far and she snapped. He was being completely disrespectful and didn't know when to stop making his "observations"
Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if in the last story the ex wife re-phrased what was going on to her family and daughter to make her seem like the victim. I mean if she’s willing to go against legal papers isn’t that surprising that she might be willing to lie to her daughter to get what she wants?
For the fat shaming story, you're right RSlash, you're going to get some slack.
How would you handle it if someone called you ugly over, and over, and over, and over, until you got to the last straw?
He deserves to get shamed in front of his family so they know how their relative act.
Plus it gives op the power to keep him from spinning the story to his family.
Rslash's response to that story is giving the same energy as people saying "Just smile and say your ok" when someone finally opens up about their serious issues. Disappointing tbh
I think the husband was wrong. 100% an a$$hole. But… OP should not have just put up with this for months and the exploded. If she had told her husband that she didn’t like what he was saying and asked him to stop and then he kept on and on, OP would be justified for lashing out. But just because he is being a jerk doesn’t negate her needing to tell him how she feels and tell/ask him to stop.
@@lauraingersoll981 that's assuming that she never said anything. Maybe she asked him to stop at times and he brushed it off like "I'm just doing an observation" or "Don't be sensitive" etc.
Story 3: Nah Rslash you are being so light about this situation when the husband is literally verbally abusing his wife for simply putting on weight after her pregnancy. If he has no qualms about doing this in front of his family? He likely does this shit in public too where other people can hear him because he believes he isn't wrong about his 'opinion'. The wife hit her boiling point and him trying to shame her at the dinner table with his family was it. He knew exactly what he was doing and his little comment was meant to try and get a reaction from his family, likely to agree with his sentiment.
Story 3: I would have quietly but publicly corrected my child if they made a disparaging comment about their partner at my table. I have taken on family members when they have been out of line at family gatherings. I would be embarrassed if a family member did this in my home. This man was not trained in good behavior by his parents if he can treat the mother of his child in this disgusting way.
My boyfriend's family sadly has a pretty traditional mindset and would let my boyfriend get away with a lot of things. I had to be the one to teach him about consent when he was 23 and so many other things. What really pissed me off was when we'd go to a get together or a party and he decides that he wants to stay over night without giving me warning so I have, none of my medications, no clothes, nothing to wear to work the next day because he told me when there was no time to take the day after off, to take it off, then he'd ask in front of a bunch on people so I'd look like the bad guy for saying no. Then if I tried to confront him in private he'd blow it out of proportion. When I explained that he can't keep doing shit like that or I'm going to say no and told his siblings and reasonable family members about his behavior he stopped. Now he has to give me a days notice of any event and several weeks notice of him taking a day off if it would conflict and screw up my schedule.
To be clear, I grew up in a shitty situation where my step mom decided she didn't want me to learn to drive because she wouldn't be able to control me. I'm still trying to get over the fear of driving she instilled in me at 22 so I can drive and get my license. At the time my boyfriend and I had 1 car between the 2 of us and he did like me driving it because despite him saying he was gonna get an automatic car I could learn to drive in he got an 2012 Audi TT.
A few months ago I bought a 1996 Subaru station wagon. He "insulted" my car while driving it and the next day managed to lock himself out of it while I was on the other side of town without my keys. That'll show him to call my car an crochety old man after I call my car a best boy.
ETA: Yes, my car is a crochety old man, but he doesn't need to be reminded. Most of his inners have been replaced. And looking at him is an juxtaposition, my car on the outside looks really manly, but inside is decorated in purple and Sailor Moon air fresheners. Also girly blankets and a Spirited Away neck pillow for naps.
Last story: That bit about OP's ex wanting the house, even after the divorce, it sounds like OP's ex saw this contract as a way to finally claim the house as her own, like she apparently thinks it's her chance to live in the house she wanted. So, of course she would go against the contract since apparently, signing the contract means it's her house now, right?
The third story about the husband body shaming his wife: Rslash you aren’t seeing the bigger picture here. The husband is actively bullying OP, honestly kind of abusing her, after she just gave birth. She’s probably asked him to stop in private dozens of times, but like she said in the post, this comment in front of other people to diminish a compliment she received on her dress. That’s abusive behavior normally, and her standing up for herself is normally something that people want for her, yet because it was at Christmas dinner that he made the comment and she asked him to just stop, she handled it poorly? No. He needs to stop making comments like that if he wants to continue to have a wife and he needs to apologize ASAP for bullying and degrading her. I’d give him a 4 out of 5 and her a 0 out of 5. She deserves no backlash from standing up to her bully/abuser in front of other people who were all clearly uncomfortable with his comment.
Well, since she did not mention it in the post, she probably never saw it necessary to tell the husband to stop and hoped it he will just stop, so I think she just tried to avoid the conflict which is as bad as starting it. The nature of the almost the same on both sides, he never discussed it in private with her, and she never told him to stop in private. Both ended up blowing up in public, he many in small amounts, she in one big one. The solution was the same and could be applied by both at any given time after the first comment.
Now, I do believe that the guy is an asshole due to his reaction. He should have realized that what she has done, is basically what he has been doing, with only a degree of intensity higher. I still think he might be quite a bit oblivious about this, and both should talk about it, and OP should be the "bigger man", as she reacted properly, questioned herself (as we all should do even when we are right) and now has enough perspective to deal with this properly.
In the end I want to address a few things about weight: firstly, it is not weight it is mass, secondly it is normal to gain some after giving birth, it is normal to desire your partner to lose some after gaining some (not necessary, not always right, just normal), fat can be very unhealthy and can show underlying issues that most often than not need to be addressed (stress, unhealthy lifestyle, etc).
Also, nobody is without fault or without reason, absolute right and absolute wrong does not exist.
@@JOHNDOE-bn3lx you’re really looking at this with a privileged perspective. i feel like you’ve never been put in a situation where your partner is abusive and puts you down like that mentally due to how doctorial you are explaining this
yeah, op and her husband aren’t having “an argument”. there is no argument- only abuse
@@JOHNDOE-bn3lx You obviously have no idea what you're talking about. This is the second comment I've seen from you spewing the same bullshit. OP has CLEARLY already talked to her husband, because she mentions him calling his insults "observations." Sounds to me like she brought it up in private, and he said, "You're being too sensitive, it's just an observation." That, my friend, is called GASLIGHTING. Which is an abusive behavior. And your whole weight vs. mass argument is pointless and has absolutely no relevance. Telling someone they're gaining mass is not any less offensive than telling them they're gaining weight. And you clearly don't have the first idea of how women work. No woman, ever, and I mean EVER, wants hear about their weight from anyone but their doctor. I can't believe you have to be told this, it should just be common knowledge. OP did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG, her husband is a delusional asshole.
@@giggle_snort he could be gaslighting, but we cannot know for sure, we have no idea how much weight she has gained, it is ok for the husband to want OP to lose weight and is necessary to discuss this, not out OP in public. OP should have not let him slide with this for so long. The only thing that is bad is his response afterwards. And it is just as fine to address the weight of a woman as it is to address the weight of a man, otherwise you are sexist. Also, the weight vs mass thing is related to physics and it was a funny annotation that the only objectively true thing that you mentioned in all these comments
Last story: ex had 15yrs to find a new place. Suing is completely appropriate here.
As someone who had an ex not keep up his end of the divorce settlement until I had a lawyer go after him, I'm furious over that last story. The AUDACITY!! Evict her butt and sue the pants off her. She knew she was wrong and she thought she could manipulate the situation into staying there for free forever. 🗑️
And she sure dropped tons of poison in the daughter's ear, so OP has to have a long talk with the daughter, but if she doesn't understand then she is a lost cause and i am realy sorry for OP.
15:00 She's using her daughter. She knew this would happen. She didn't care. She planned for OP to give her more time. The daughter needs the situation properly explained, especially because her mom is using her to try and stay in the house.
first story: you should have given her chores to do to "earn" the pool. the learning effect from a deal that happened 4 years prior is not really there...
Also did OP have her daughter sign a notarized contract? Still null and void due to her kid being a minor. There are ways to teach this lesson but OP chose the wrong approach
@@lorilancaster5917 Null and void? A verbal contract between parent amd child isn't legal in any sense of the word, but if the daughter made a deal based on some stupid notion that fitting in is something all kids should aspire to do by breaking her parent then she should deal with the consequences of her choices. Teaching her a lesson would still fail if she gets out easy
Also could have she just gotten like an above pool,
In the last story, the fact of the matter is that they signed a LEGAL BINDING contract. Not only does OP get a 0/5, I'd recommend that they take it to court, because this not only qualifies as Breach of Contract, it's also likely a Building Code Violation, and I believe it could technically qualify as Property Destruction as well.
Story 3: If I was pushed until I snapped, it'd be worse than yelling at him. Then again, this guy would've had it called out WAY earlier, so it wouldn't reach that point. I've spent enough of my life just putting up with bs to be over just sitting back and saying nothing.
01:40 YTA
Third story: I never thought Rslash would support an abuser. Wife is right, you and the husband are wrong.
08:55 this is the part where I would call for atleast therapy, if not straight out divorce. this IS abusive behaviour by your husband.
I'm worried about the daughter in the last story. She should be able to see that it's wrong but the fact that she's on her mums side sounds like throughout the 15 years she's been told things about her dad that make him seem like a villain.
I'm more confused about how he wasn't in the house throughout those years? I get that they may not have wanted to live together but 15 years is a long time to not want to live in your own home that you pay for, that your entitled to.
Yeah, that ex wife clearly didn't intend to move out and has made ZERO effort to vacate the house. She's had 15 years to prepare for this move. How is she not ready...? Also OP apparently sent her multiple notices that he wanted her out on time. If Christmas mattered, the ex wife could have asked about that MONTHS ago. Most likely if he gives her a month, she'll want a year. LOL
As the child of divorced parents… eh. Sometimes when you’re younger the parent you’re living with can do no wrong until it’s explained to you. Doesn’t sound like OP had an financial difficulty and it’s been going on for their daughter’s whole life so “why DOESN’T dad just keep paying to keep MY MOM comfortable for another month???”
I really don’t think they can come out looking like the good guy unless the compromise and then start mentioning how expensive this whole thing is.
@eveenala I'm also the child of divorced parents so I definitely understand that. Didn't think of it that way though, probably cuz I was a bit of a cynical child. Hopefully OP can have a sit down with the daughter and she might not get it at first but maybe eventually she'll understand.
My guess is that the dad is well enough off to be able to comfortably afford two homes? Or at least an apartment or condo or something for himself.
@@HumbleWooper Yes, the house was likely part of a child support/alimony agreement. It may have been cheaper to let her live there than to pay an increased cash amount to her. Either way, it's bizarre that the ex wife pretended her tenancy end snuck up on her. She had 15 YEARS notice apparently.
That last story... just wow. 15 years free rent, modifying the house from 4 to 3 bedroom... how much more money does she want to suck from this guy! I hope we get an update where she does get sued and the daughter and family members all get a wake up call to the truth.
Story 1. Yes. YTA. I can understand maybe showing her the cost and understanding what it would look like if she did pay half and help her understand the privileged situation she's in. But yeah, holding a 12yo accountable for what amounts to a gift is pretty crappy. There's a reason we don't let minors sign contracts.
It wasn't a gift, she wanted one on the basis that other kids had one and wanted to fit in. We can argue that OP is the butthole but the daughter made a commitment OP tried to talk her out of, if OP caved in and didn't continue the deal the daughter would continue to do this in the future where she would make bargains and not keep her end.
I would hold her to what she said. Then keep all that money to the side and give it back to her as she graduates high school. Obviously don’t take her whole paycheck.
@@pokemaster1725 but there were many better ways to make that point. telling a 12 y/o that in 4-years time she will have to pay back several thousands of dollars in monthly installments really isn't teaching her anything
OP could have sat the 12 y/o down and done some comparative math. like: that pool will cost us the same as X many chocolate bars, or Y many Disneyland trips. something tangible so that the kid can grasp the meaning of money
heck, if OP wanted to do the whole payment plan thing, she could have started it when the kid was 12, using the same comparative methods, like "you can't have the expensive candy or the fancy gaming consile for X amount of time to pay back part of the pool you wanted"
it's just really dumb to wait 4 years to remind someone about somehting like this
@@zilesis1 its dumb making them do it at 12, by 16 she would already have the brain capacity to realize she has to hold her end of the bargain. Talking to a 12 yo about the math that would go into a pool wouldn't resolve anything. Her mom punishing isn't the right way to go but she still has to keep her end of the bargain because if she decides to move out she wouldn't really run away from her debt sincw it'll come in the form of student debt, rent and loans/mortgages.
@@GamingForLifeGF ayoo wtf? What does gender or your personal problems have to do with this?
The verbally abusive husband. This is a straight up textbook, classic, example of the term gaslighting. He's making malicious, intentionally rude, passive, aggressive comments. Then, he turns around and proclaims that he is merely making observations. That he is not at fault at all, and that she is the one who was out of line.
Personally I think OP did what was needed when her husband made such nasty and backhanded "compliments" (if you can even call them compliments), because he's been going at it for months after months, I highly doubt OP didn't tell her husband about how she felt about it. Sometimes making a scene to get the point across is the only option in my opinion.
100% facts...
I don't know. Her "doesn't make hurtful comments, just observations" leads me to believe she hadn't said anything until that point.
@@unvoicedapollo3318 or that she brought it up in private and he gaslit her in to believing it's just observations
@@ginabell694 Maybe but I don't know and I wish the posts hadn't been disabled or we got an update because we could ask for clarification then. 🤷♂️
Agreed! Sometimes making a scene is a necessity!
Oh, also, the third story is intensely personal for me because my dad spent 40 years systematically tearing down my mother like this. He was so verbally/emotionally/psychologically abusive to her that, through narcissism and thorough gaslighting, he had her thinking that him calling her a "stupid effing biotch" and an "empty headed grunt" were "terms of endearment". She has been in abusive relationships from little bitty, so it's understandable. She always told me that it was just his way of showing his love to her.
Now, he says none of that ever happened, despite my being there for a lot of it. He hated for me to be around her so much because I encouraged her to not take his crap and I wasn't able to be gaslit or controlled by him.
About 20 years in, and many, many talks from me and a couple of her co workers, she finally started standing up to him and he wasn't happy at all that his perfect little victim was growing a spine. Before they finally divorced, he had everyone in his side of their lives thinking he was this poor abused man because when she'd had enough of his crap, she'd scream at him to make him hear her. He's always talked over her and anyone else he didn't deem worthy of listening to. He would pick a fight when he knew someone would be coming over and by the time they got there, Mom was upset and screaming, so *she* looked like the unhinged, abusive one. I think that some of his doctors and nurses finally figured out what a prick he was and that, just maybe, Mom wasn't so bad...much, much too late.
I learned not to answer his calls or texts because we'd always end up fighting and it made it that much harder on Mom when he and I did fight...he accuses both of us of poisoning his granddaughter against him, when it was he who did that. Females are stupid, so my daughter was never supposed to figure him out, even if she, like I before her, heard and saw how he treated us.
Yep. I’m so sorry you lived through that, but you saw and learned, and I hope you’ve healed. My father did that kind of thing to my mother too. The passive-aggressive remarks to push her buttons so she’d lash out in front of other people, so he could play the innocent victim. 🙄 She left him when I was 16.
About the 3rd story: OP's husband is abusing her verbally. I'm impressed OP managed to last that long. I would leave my partner if they made comments like that. And then he's manipulating her into thinking she's the asshole, and that she's the abusive one. Also, that wasn't exactly a fight. We don't know what happened, we only know that OP screamed once, not that there was a fight. It wasn't OP's fault. OP can't just magically control the way her body reacted to birthing a child, nobody can. Let me remind you, OP mentioned it has been going on for MONTHS. Months of being called fat and ugly. I don't blame her in the slightest, and the husband deserves like 4, maybe even 4,5 points.
Honestly, having seen a similar situation in my family, most likely, the daughter is only seeing things as "you're risking someone being homeless and you should NEVER sue family" regardless of the situation or the fact that the mom agreed to this and had plenty of time to find a new home. Theres a LOT of people who think that just because you're family or related in anyway, they can take advantage and it's completely wrong for you to fight back, which is complete bs.
Last story: the AUDACITY of OP's ex-wife! She at first refused to let OP in until he reminded her she was obligated to do so by the legal agreement, asked for one more month even after having 15 free-rent YEARS to arrange a new place to move in, HAD HER NEW BOYFRIEND BASICALLY DESTROY OP'S HOUSE WITHOUT HIS PERMISSION (and of course she didn't got a contractor, because that would need a permission from OP, and would probably get her reamed by a judge) AND SHE'S MAD BECAUSE OP WILL RIGHFULLY SUE HER?!
She doesn't deserve one more month and TOTALLY deserves that lawsuit. Also, OP should have a sit down with his daughter and explain exactly what her mother did and why OP is on his rights to sue her, and why she doesn't deserve a extra month. If even then she doesn't get, cut her off financially. Let OP's ex take over anything the daughter wants/needs. She had 15 years of no rent, so she should have money, and if she doesn't that's not OP's problem, it's her own fault.
Christ divorce is messed up. I just couldn't imagine the risk of losing my family home to someone.
Story 3: I'm sorry, SHE'S the one verbally abusing HIM? Screw that guy. He better be a damn body builder with the perfect weight to be so critical of the woman who carried HIS child
Oh you know he isn't lol
The couple fight thing : It is best to not react this way as it’s very uncomfortable for people who don’t deserve it, but sometimes we have to deal with uncomfortable things. I don’t think it’s right to expect victims of abuse to stay “proper” for other people’s comfort. OP didn’t ruin Christmas, the husband did. Op just didn’t suffer in silence because she’s been suffering for a long time.
Story 1: there are much better ways to make a 12 year old responsible for a pool than putting a financial burden on them. They could clean the pool and learn to assist with pool maintenance. There's 2 idea that would do far more good to teach responsibilities than making a child pay thousands of dollars.
Story 2: Perfect response, OP is not the butthole and has no obligation to take care of his ex-wife's new family, especially with how much of a major B she's being.
Story 3: NTA, OP was systematically harassed until she got to her breaking point then when she gets to that point it's her fault for having a bad reaction?
Story 4: OP is only the butthole because he let his ex-wife live in his family's home that's been in his family for generations, but for how he's treating his ex-wife is definitely NTA, ex-wife is a huge B.
Rslash gave story 3 op no buttholes. What he's saying is that OP kind of let it build up because her husband "doesn't say hurtful things"...but that's untrue because they were hurting OP. And OP could have communicated that what the husband was saying was hurtful instead of letting it build up.
So yes, OP does bear the tiniest bit of responsibility for not being her own advocate to communicate with her husband. But she still gets 0 buttholes because it's understandable why she reacted the way she did to her husband being a butthole.
Story 4: it was signed off by a judge. OP’s hands were kind of tied. Lol.
@@guitarbass22 I couldn’t tell if it was in the US but if it was then he’s lucky that it wasn’t taken from him and he only had to let her live there for 15 years.
she can even turn it into a profession down the road ^^
I agree op is completely ridiculous and nuts
I hope that OP in the story who finally stood up to her husband's barbs about her body does take her husband's advice and goes to get therapy. NOT because she's 'too sensitive' but because a therapist can hopefully help OP see that her husband is an abusive butthole and help OP overcome her internal demons so that she can find love for herself, understand that she should never have to tolerate abuse, and to move on to a happier, healthier place in her life and her relationships.
Also, seriously rSlash? 2.5 for an abusive buttholes, and also giving a butthole score to the target of the abuse, the one who finally stood up for herself?!? Seriously?!?
Agreed
Goddamn people are vicious these days, a guy has been me bad take in a hundred that he makes for a living and people jump on him like goddamn jackals
@@iexist646 Let me guess. You are confused why women are choosing the bear...
@@survivedandthriving ?
@@survivedandthriving looked it up for context. Again, I’m not on Rslashs side, it’s a bad take, but god damn yall really jump on his fucking ass the second he makes an error, any human being on this earth would have bad takes if they were forced to make several daily to millions of people, no one is saying “here’s why I disagree and here’s how what you’re saying could be harmful,” its just “seriously?????? How could you!?!?!?!?”
When a woman has a child for a man. She’s sacrificing her body to bring joy to both of you. When I look at my wife’s stretch marks I see a beautiful body and lucky to have such a great lady.
Change the word “for” with the word “with” in the first sentence, and I’d agree with it more than I do
@@TsukiKageTora They mean that the husband is like a child
@@nikkikei4984 I can see it that way, but I see it more as “when a woman has a baby for a man she’s sacrificing her body to bring joy” with a misplaced period in the middle.
I meant that the woman is having a child for her and her husband. Sorry if I didn’t say it right. My bad.
That was incredibly sweet and I bet she loves you just as much
15 years rent free home and she couldnt save enough to buy her own home?
Story 3: definitely NTA. He’s saying all of this publicly as part of the humiliation, she has every right to respond to him publicly.
In story 3, the husband was dog whistling his wife for gaining weight, a very common tactic narcissists use to emotionally abuse their partners. So that when he subtly digs at her publicly, she would "explode" and "cause a scene".
If the husband didn't care about how his comments made his family and OP feel, then he set the bar. OP is 100% NTA for reacting that way.
On the insulting body shaming husband, I disagree with you. Calling an abuser out in front of people is gonna be more effective than doing so in private. The family should know how horrible OP’s husband is.
Nah nah nah nah nah
On the third story with the husband that constantly was "making observations" let's not forget that this has been happening for months. OP clearly has been upset by these as he always replied with the stupid line of "making observations". Meaning that she HAS been talking to him about it but he doesn’t care. That is borderline gaslighting and straight up abusive and you RSlash in the past have said that sometimes the only way for you to call out these people is in front of their inlaws to put light to it. Don't be hypocritical here with it.
As soon as I heard "but as I'm sure *some of you know,* pools are expensive" I knew this one was gonna be bad...
Story 3: Sounds to me like OP, rightfully, snapped. Sometimes that happens at inopportune moments because the boiling point has been reached and control gets lost. Maybe the family SHOULD have heard how much OP was being hurt by their family member. It sounds like the husband needed a bit of humbling and shaming himself so he can see, even just a little, of how he made his wife feel daily. Is that the “mature” thing to do? No. But sometimes it’s just what needs to happen.
she should’ve went to the gym if i married a girl who was fit and looked good then she got fat i would say something
Third story rSlash, start doing what OP's husband did to your wife and see how she reacts. I'm willing to bet she'd lose her cool too, and I am betting she probably wouldn't care who was around because she'd be really tired of being fat-shamed by someone who supposedly loved her and who she carried a child for.
God… I really feel for story 3
I was broken up over text on my ex's birthday, after inviting me over to his house with family. I drove over to his house, tossed my card at him and said ”Happy Birthday” and sobbed uncontrollably and left. And then had the gall to say I embarrassed him in front of his family. He could have waited until after his birthday and he was too much of a wuss to do it in person. Fml.
Edit: spelling and grammar errors
In the first story, I feel like the right thing for the parents to have done would be to get her a YMCA(or another family center) membership and had her use her allowance to pay half of the membership fee. Buying a pool is a bit excessive. 😬
I just can't comprehend how the ex was allowed to live in op's house that's completely legally his while he probably had to have different living arrangements and still pay for his place and likely his arranged place.
the first story about the pool - a similar situation happened with me as a kid, not quite as extreme but still similar. I was 14 & was invited on a student ambassador trip that cost around $5-6k, my parents couldn't really afford it but could make it work with some strict budgeting. So the deal was I would repay $3k when I started working. I got my first job & my parents sat me down to talk about the $3k i owed them for the trip, we worked it out so that I could repay them slowly and still reasonably afford to function & save money for other things I wanted as long as I was careful with my $ and budgeted (the exact thing my parents did for me so that I could go on the trip). I ultimately repaid around $1500 before I went off to university and the other $1500 debt was forgiven so that I could focus on school / as a high school graduation gift. I am so grateful that this happened because I was already good at managing money before I went to university as a result.
my point here is as long a the parents we reasonable about how the debt was repaid and didn't just say all your money belongs to us until repaid I see nothing wrong with the parents asking the daughter to pay back the debt, or at least a token portion of it. the post didn't give enough detail to make a judgement on this.
also an above ground pool can be had for less than $5k, not the 25-60k you were talking about. Meaning the debt could have been a total of 2.5k ish, a much more reasonable sum. but again the post didn't go into enough detail to judge this.
*First OP:* OP's husband is right; OP can't expect a 12-year-old to stick to her end of the bargain. She'd agree to anything if it means getting a pool. I get the lesson OP was trying to teach her daughter, but she was 12! OP is TA.
*Second OP:* While I do feel bad for OP's ex's kids, they are not his responsibility. Also, if OP's ex wanted OP to help out financially, she _probably_ shouldn't express regret for not cheating on him. Or staying with him just for the financial benefits. OP is NTA.
*Third OP:* How would OP's husband like it if OP made "observations" about him? "Huh, the passionate hugging was fine, but not as good as it used to be." OP is NTA. I hope she leaves him.
*Fourth OP:* Who's the judge who made that decision? I just want to talk!
OP's ex had _one_ job, and didn't follow through. OP had every right to sue his ex. I wouldn't be surprised if his ex was in their daughter's ear and painted OP in a negative light. OP is NTA. Maybe his ex in-laws can let the ex wife move in with them.
Uh-oh, rSlash short-circuited again.
Story about ex-wife living rent-free in OP’s house: I am a bit surprised that in 15 YEARS, OP never set foot into the house to see that it had been modified.
He is the equivalent of a landlord here, and unless the contract was written with a clause forbidding his presence on the property, how could he possibly trust someone that much?
He should have at least had annual inspections for safety and health issues. Termite inspection. Something.
You should say “am I the antagonist” or “am I the gluteus Maximus” (someone else said this one on the last AITA video, just wanna make sure he sees it
Rslash, this might be weird but I love when you talk abt being a parent. My dad never loved me and hurt my mom. I’ve never known how a father should act, but you’re sorta teaching me lol. You sound like an amazing dad, so thank you so much
Story 2 nta you are responsible for your kids alone. She has some audacity to ask op for anything.
Also she proved once before that she will lie to get what she wants. What’s to say she’s doing it again? Yeah she moved to a smaller house but doesn’t mean that they are in need. I hope OP goes to court and gets full custody. Sounds like with everything going on at the ex’s everyone could benefit.
"I should've also cheated on you" lmfao
That 16yo gonn talk to her college friends like:
“I went into depth at only 22!”
“22?! I owed money at only 20!”
Her: “uhh, well my mon put me in about 17k depth at 12” :D
OP in the first story should sue her daughter. She'll be laughed out of court. Sucky parenting.
She puts her body and health on the line to have a child and he repays her by making fun of the way she looks... Divorce him.
Story 1: why did they think a 12 year old would understand the consequences of debt 💀
op is justified in my opinion her husband has been chipping away at her with 'observations' all that time, like you said she is innocent in all this as are the inlaws but the husband is completely responsible for ruining that dinner since he was the sole catalyst for the outburst.
In the last story, the ex probably had all this time to manipulate the daughter into taking her side, hoping to use her as leverage to not get kicked out by OP.