I think we often fall in love before there’s even a person in the picture. It’s simply this idea of having a relationship and the line to reality quickly fades away. Standards are good but nobody can reach your imagination, you’ll ALWAYS get disappointed by reality, which often leads to us thinking it’s wrong. But bad days in a relationship are normal, boring days are normal, awkward moments are normal…chasing specific made up ideas is not.
It’s funny how we have this idea of what that person will be like and what our experiences with them will be like, it’s probably a combination of our upbringing, personality, fantasies, and simply just bridging the unknown. I’m guilty of this, but I’ve never had an incongruence with these expectations and the way I truly felt about dating someone and treated them differently because of these expectations, I just knew it wouldn’t look like what I imagined. Some people are literally so out of touch with reality somehow that when they feel this incongruence they still don’t realize there’s no ideal partner in your head lol. What makes me excited is when that person shows a side of themselves that I like, not when they show a side of themselves that I expected or wanted.
@Ryan-cb1ei so, so true!! Ig many struggle with being more open towards something they didn't expect bc they think it's "beneath their standards", when it's really just different. But different doesn't automatically equal bad.
to me it’s all about vibes, energy, and values. what are the vibes when you’re with this person? do you feel light hearted, do you lose track of time, do you catch yourself smiling more, do you never run out of things to say? do your energies match? can you see how your energy and their energy compliment each other? do you have similar values? similar world views, similar faiths or beliefs, similar political ideologies? nobody is gonna check every box or be the same as you, you just gotta find a person that you’re willing to accept their differences for that’s still compatible with you.
I left a comment about this kind of thing on the last video, had multiple paragraphs and stuff. Posted it and TH-cam sent it to the void. Gotta love this platform. For real though, I think way too many people get caught up on the idea of abundance culture and FOMO. I’ve seen too many men and women throw away good and healthy relationships just because they thought they could “do better” when they were already in a thriving and happy relationship. Don’t let the love of your life pass you by just because you think there might be someone better.
I have experienced both sides myself. For a long time, I was incredibly perfectionistic when it came to choosing a partner. This meant that I was never able to build long-term relationships. In reaction to that, there was a period where I threw all my standards overboard and let completely wrong people into my life. I think it's all about balance. Ideally, during a phase when you're not dating anyone, you should think about the qualities you're looking for in a partner and how negotiable they are. Then, when you start dating again, you can better assess whether the person truly suits you or not, without being too deceived by chemistry.
I loved when you said “Relationships are a starting point” Every romantic relationship is a journey and you discover things about the other person along the way. Thinking you’ll find some ready-made person who is perfect in everywhere is impossible. You are two separate people that are still learning things about themselves but deciding to do that together.
I used to want to find someone that could complete me. Because I was ignored in my childhood, I wanted someone to make me feel special. I found them. Then they abused me. I don't think that way any more. My next GF was much more healthy and I finally came to realize the type of person I was meant to be.
Woah I think I really needed this I’ve kind of been rejecting my self in the name of having standards and staying single…really it came from me having some insecurities and I’m learning to let it go God willing….😌
I've gone on hundreds of dates and most of the time it was either them not being interested, me not being interested or both. And by that I mean conversation was not flowing or it was really uncomfortable or there was no attraction at all. And the few times that was not the case, it was with someone avoidant that was constantly running away. These days I'm really reluctant to meet anyone from online because if you don't know them beforehand you actually can't tell if its gonna be good at all really. I don't think my standards are too high, they just need to be attractive enough and I need to get on well enough with them without it feeling like I'm trying to force it too hard. I'm just about to give up..
This is so relatable lol. I might just be single forever because I don’t know if I'll ever find a high-value woman who is ready for a relationship. I'm so tired of being told that they don't know what they want or if they want to commit.
The perfect partner does not exist and this is the harsh reality of dating that 90% of people are not willing to accept and this is why most relationships do not work. Setting realistic expectations is key. Period.
You're absolutely spot on 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾. What's made matters worse from what I've seen is that social media keeps fanning the idea that you should not settle for anything less than perfection! Therefore young people are single more than generations before them.
as a man, i relate a lot to this. i always feel the need to “perform” and i’m slowly unpacking that need to be perfect. as somebody who has such high standards for himself, it’s pretty difficult coming to terms with the fact that i am not perfect, so why should i expect my partner to be.
i once had a psychologist tell me that you only want to be happy when we talked about a partner and i sensed something wrong a partner can never make you happy. happines comes from inside a partner can only make you less lonely
I don't really have that many things on my qualities list, it's basically just honesty, compassion, understanding, not pushing me to be intimate when I'm not ready, and someone who wants to have kids. None of those like "Oh you have to be this tall and wear this kind of clothing and do this and that and bla bla bla" none of that, just those basic qualities, like someone I can trust. But it's tough for me to even get into dating cause I had a previous negative relationship with a guy, like total mismatch, he was wanting intimacy right then and I was wanting to wait until we knew each other better as friends first and I couldn't ever get him to really understand that I was wanting to wait and stop pressuring me, so I broke up after a couple months. And that experience has left me with just this feeling that I can't get past the small talk to actually get to the getting to know each other part with men. Other women, I feel more comfortable around, but I know I won't get any further than friends with women. Hopefully one day I can find that good partner.
I feel like its misleading to say you need a good man as a role model and thats gunna change you. Cause if ur dad or male model was hood but ur ma or something was shit then that would skew your view too. Everything is grey and to make that black and white isnt the right take. Imo
100% they're designed to make sure as well as they can that you don't meet the perfect match on there, because when you do you leave the app! It's the most frustrating part of using dating apps.
@@Salien1999No matter who you are, the apps are designed to make you feel worse about other people. Ultimately these apps want money and they have a lot of control over who you interact with so that you feel pressured to pay for a “better” experience. Apps now are a joke.
Thanks Christina for this video ! I have to admit for being a self improvement addict, it can influence your choice of partner. But I have to admit that it's easier for boys. A man don't really have the pression of finding a "perfect partner". The requirement my mother gave me is if she love God XD. In general a man marry when he is ready and find a good enougth woman I added the importance of compatibillity do decide who my partner will be
Women have the most insane expectations, they are only interested in 5% of all men. Im not good enough for women, I cant reach the standards they are looking for, no matter how much I work on myself, im just not good enough for them
This is explained by what she said in the video lol. Men fall into the trap she’s talking about too but we’re definitely more accepting and less idealistic
Hey from Ukraine! I recently found your channel and really relate to a lot of the topics, as I'm 23 years old gen-z girl as well. Thank you for your content. I really appreciate the nuances and topics not so many people are talking about. It really does make me feel seen.
I think we often fall in love before there’s even a person in the picture. It’s simply this idea of having a relationship and the line to reality quickly fades away. Standards are good but nobody can reach your imagination, you’ll ALWAYS get disappointed by reality, which often leads to us thinking it’s wrong. But bad days in a relationship are normal, boring days are normal, awkward moments are normal…chasing specific made up ideas is not.
It’s funny how we have this idea of what that person will be like and what our experiences with them will be like, it’s probably a combination of our upbringing, personality, fantasies, and simply just bridging the unknown. I’m guilty of this, but I’ve never had an incongruence with these expectations and the way I truly felt about dating someone and treated them differently because of these expectations, I just knew it wouldn’t look like what I imagined. Some people are literally so out of touch with reality somehow that when they feel this incongruence they still don’t realize there’s no ideal partner in your head lol. What makes me excited is when that person shows a side of themselves that I like, not when they show a side of themselves that I expected or wanted.
@Ryan-cb1ei so, so true!! Ig many struggle with being more open towards something they didn't expect bc they think it's "beneath their standards", when it's really just different. But different doesn't automatically equal bad.
this is hands down the best video on relationships and modern dating I’ve ever seen
you're so kind!
to me it’s all about vibes, energy, and values.
what are the vibes when you’re with this person? do you feel light hearted, do you lose track of time, do you catch yourself smiling more, do you never run out of things to say?
do your energies match? can you see how your energy and their energy compliment each other?
do you have similar values? similar world views, similar faiths or beliefs, similar political ideologies?
nobody is gonna check every box or be the same as you, you just gotta find a person that you’re willing to accept their differences for that’s still compatible with you.
Nobody is perfect. Neither will a partner ever be perfect and love also means acceptance of each other's flaws.
I left a comment about this kind of thing on the last video, had multiple paragraphs and stuff. Posted it and TH-cam sent it to the void.
Gotta love this platform.
For real though, I think way too many people get caught up on the idea of abundance culture and FOMO. I’ve seen too many men and women throw away good and healthy relationships just because they thought they could “do better” when they were already in a thriving and happy relationship.
Don’t let the love of your life pass you by just because you think there might be someone better.
I have experienced both sides myself. For a long time, I was incredibly perfectionistic when it came to choosing a partner. This meant that I was never able to build long-term relationships. In reaction to that, there was a period where I threw all my standards overboard and let completely wrong people into my life.
I think it's all about balance. Ideally, during a phase when you're not dating anyone, you should think about the qualities you're looking for in a partner and how negotiable they are. Then, when you start dating again, you can better assess whether the person truly suits you or not, without being too deceived by chemistry.
I loved when you said “Relationships are a starting point”
Every romantic relationship is a journey and you discover things about the other person along the way. Thinking you’ll find some ready-made person who is perfect in everywhere is impossible. You are two separate people that are still learning things about themselves but deciding to do that together.
I used to want to find someone that could complete me. Because I was ignored in my childhood, I wanted someone to make me feel special. I found them. Then they abused me. I don't think that way any more. My next GF was much more healthy and I finally came to realize the type of person I was meant to be.
Woah I think I really needed this I’ve kind of been rejecting my self in the name of having standards and staying single…really it came from me having some insecurities and I’m learning to let it go God willing….😌
I've gone on hundreds of dates and most of the time it was either them not being interested, me not being interested or both. And by that I mean conversation was not flowing or it was really uncomfortable or there was no attraction at all. And the few times that was not the case, it was with someone avoidant that was constantly running away. These days I'm really reluctant to meet anyone from online because if you don't know them beforehand you actually can't tell if its gonna be good at all really. I don't think my standards are too high, they just need to be attractive enough and I need to get on well enough with them without it feeling like I'm trying to force it too hard. I'm just about to give up..
This is so relatable lol. I might just be single forever because I don’t know if I'll ever find a high-value woman who is ready for a relationship. I'm so tired of being told that they don't know what they want or if they want to commit.
Your videos help me cope with reality. Thank you
mission accomplished
The perfect partner does not exist and this is the harsh reality of dating that 90% of people are not willing to accept and this is why most relationships do not work.
Setting realistic expectations is key. Period.
You're absolutely spot on 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾. What's made matters worse from what I've seen is that social media keeps fanning the idea that you should not settle for anything less than perfection! Therefore young people are single more than generations before them.
My Faith in humanity grew watching this today 👏🏾👏🏾
This was such a helpful video
Beautiful video ❤
happy for all new video from you!
More to come!
as a man, i relate a lot to this. i always feel the need to “perform” and i’m slowly unpacking that need to be perfect. as somebody who has such high standards for himself, it’s pretty difficult coming to terms with the fact that i am not perfect, so why should i expect my partner to be.
It's a freaking job application and the expectation is to check off every damn box from what I have observed
Nice subject Chris!
i once had a psychologist tell me that you only want to be happy when we talked about a partner and i sensed something wrong a partner can never make you happy. happines comes from inside a partner can only make you less lonely
I don't really have that many things on my qualities list, it's basically just honesty, compassion, understanding, not pushing me to be intimate when I'm not ready, and someone who wants to have kids. None of those like "Oh you have to be this tall and wear this kind of clothing and do this and that and bla bla bla" none of that, just those basic qualities, like someone I can trust.
But it's tough for me to even get into dating cause I had a previous negative relationship with a guy, like total mismatch, he was wanting intimacy right then and I was wanting to wait until we knew each other better as friends first and I couldn't ever get him to really understand that I was wanting to wait and stop pressuring me, so I broke up after a couple months. And that experience has left me with just this feeling that I can't get past the small talk to actually get to the getting to know each other part with men. Other women, I feel more comfortable around, but I know I won't get any further than friends with women.
Hopefully one day I can find that good partner.
At this point, I will just date someone who reciprocates in the long term 😂
I feel like its misleading to say you need a good man as a role model and thats gunna change you. Cause if ur dad or male model was hood but ur ma or something was shit then that would skew your view too. Everything is grey and to make that black and white isnt the right take. Imo
The apps are the worst because you can't cherry pick a perfect person 😂
100% they're designed to make sure as well as they can that you don't meet the perfect match on there, because when you do you leave the app! It's the most frustrating part of using dating apps.
@@Salien1999No matter who you are, the apps are designed to make you feel worse about other people. Ultimately these apps want money and they have a lot of control over who you interact with so that you feel pressured to pay for a “better” experience. Apps now are a joke.
And people just end up picking good looking people mostly anyway
Thanks Christina for this video !
I have to admit for being a self improvement addict, it can influence your choice of partner. But I have to admit that it's easier for boys. A man don't really have the pression of finding a "perfect partner". The requirement my mother gave me is if she love God XD. In general a man marry when he is ready and find a good enougth woman
I added the importance of compatibillity do decide who my partner will be
Women have the most insane expectations, they are only interested in 5% of all men. Im not good enough for women, I cant reach the standards they are looking for, no matter how much I work on myself, im just not good enough for them
Good!
This is explained by what she said in the video lol. Men fall into the trap she’s talking about too but we’re definitely more accepting and less idealistic
Hey from Ukraine!
I recently found your channel and really relate to a lot of the topics, as I'm 23 years old gen-z girl as well. Thank you for your content. I really appreciate the nuances and topics not so many people are talking about. It really does make me feel seen.
hellooo, aw this makes me so happy! you're the exact sort of person i make content for, i'm so glad you find this helpful 🥹
@@ChristinaAaliyah 🥰