Vulnerable Covert Narcissist | THE MOST Dangerous Type
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 31 ก.ค. 2024
- Link to my best resources:
linktr.ee/narcabusecoach
chapters
00:00 introduction
01:11 1.playing victim & becoming a martyr
04:52 2. Pathological lying
08:29 3.mixed empathy
12:50 4.covert vulnerable narcissists criticize you in the guise of concern
15:25 5.Their Extreme aggression
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Normal people usually get accused of being covert narcissists by real covert narcissists when the normal person won't take their abuse anymore
This... my future ex wife has an amazing lack of self-awareness and it was when she called me a narcissist the first time that I really started looking into it; she honestly doesn't realize just how much she helped me break free of her games over the years, but that one took the cake for me. For all the damage she did in my personal and professional life, I've been rather "fortunate" that narcissists don't actually pay attention to their victims beyond surface level as I have a near eidetic memory and am naturally curious by nature, so all of her gaslighting over the years just made me think she was completely crazy instead of doubting myself... the moment she called me a narcissist I immediately looked it up just to see if there was any truth to her accusations, and learned about her (and my mother) which reframed most of my life for me. I feel bad for my children, as she successfully loaded me with difficulties in getting them away from her (and they are her mealticket/camouflage) but I did manage to break her triangulation with them. Now it's all about rebuilding my life so when they each turn 18 I can help them reboot their lives.
Yes, of course. Because it's narcissistic of you to want to keep any tiny bit of your own emotional energy for yourself.
Because of these accusations I question my underlying motivations a lot more. It takes a shock to grow up.
🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌
Ugh this is one of the things that drove me over the edge.
Near the end she just copied all of my complaints and threw them back at me nonsensically. There was one time where she broke me down to the point where I was having some sort of complete breakdown and I thought she was going to hit me or kill me. I was shaking in a corner. She flipped out on me more for that and it only made it worse. I had to call out of work that day it was really bad, she even contacted my sister about what to do (and framed it like I'd lost my mind for no reason). Next argument she started with me, without skipping a beat, she DID THE SAME EXACT THING as soon as I spoke. I didn't even argue with her, I literally just talked to her about it like an adult, and she got all "you're going to hit me!" It was so fucked up I just went for a drive, of course she claimed I was abandoning her. She then added it to her playbook. I feel bad for the next person :(
My late, un-lamented mother was a covert/vulnerable narcissist who had my father buffaloed, to the point that he could show me the loving kindness of a healthy father only behind her back (to her face, he was her ultimate enabler, alas). She exploited the "how can such an evil child not trust or obey their saintly mother?" public image to the point that I first wanted to stop living by age ten; every birthday or Christmas brought gifts chosen for her pleasure (clothes to dress me up as her living doll, never anything that I would have wanted)...and of course, as I saw her evil (as the family truth-teller), I clearly became her scapegoat. How I managed to defend and maintain myself against her chronic onslaught, I dont know to this day, but I'm grateful for that miracle. When she died, I felt nothing but relief, believe it -- but I forced tears to honor my father's grief; for the twelve years that he outlived her, he was finally able to be the father to me that I needed him to be, however late in my life.
Awful that happened !!!!
Awful you had to force fake tears which was not fair ( tho I understand you were accompanying your father's grief condolences of his grief )
I only felt relief when my mother-in-law died. I literally went in the bathroom and did a happy dance. And when I think about how people say you’ll see your loved ones when you die, my soul instantly warns my MIL to STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME.
@@socalautisticman1975 Thank you for your compassion; I'm doing fine now, understanding more every day and growing stronger as I go. At least I had 12 good, healthy years of a warm relationship with my dad after my mother died (though, alas, he found himself another narcissist [a grandiose one this time, like his own mother, no less] not long after she died -- at least he didn't marry that one; don't get me started re the second one's nonsense, however).
I understand in so many ways. My abusive, grandiose narcissist, adoptive mother died on my 16th birthday and all I felt was relief! She had me so messed up that I didn't even believe she was really dead until I saw her at the "family viewing" 3 days after she died. I almost passed out when I realized it was true!
Similar situation here but my father died 20 years before my narc mother. I think she wore him down. So often I wished she had died 20 years before him and he could have had 20 good years and I could have enjoyed my wonderful father without her constantly tearing us both down.
Narcissits play mind games just as well as any psychopath. Difference is the narcissist actually believe they're own BS:
Amen
He did say it was levels 1 psychopathy.
Amen 🙌🙏🙌🙏🙌
Ah so they’re worse than a psychopath…..
@@ZLLi661What's so weird about it is psychopaths are MUCH easier to get along with. Narcissists are always consumed with crushing shame that they desperately need to dump on someone else. Psychopaths, while still dangerous, have a sort of transparency. They don't need to play games or create chaos to offload their inner turmoil. They just do what they do and call it a day. If someone gets killed oh well that's collateral damage. Which is why they're so dangerous, but at least you can see it because their isn't so much gaslighting and manipulation of the situation to make you doubt youself.
Interacting with a narcissistic personality is like being in a constant psychological maze - the challenge is not just finding the exit but also preserving your own mental clarity.
I'm not even religious, but Amen!
It took me years to work out how to recognise narcissistic manipulation and I still make mistakes but I'm better equipped now knowing how to deal with such behaviour thanks to videos like this.
Yes, that is exactly what take your energy off, imagine playing chess 24/7 or another Game where You have to think very well your next move every second with pressure on time to answer,, of course is exausting. Now imagine if You already very exausted already all day and they play You more, of course this send You to depression and extreme anxiety!!! Panic attacts.
Well said!!!
Great comment!
The covert vulnerable narcissist is, in my opinion, the hardest of the narcissists to spot. They blend so well into everyday life and their grandiosity and lack of empathy is masked by their victimhood.
That’s very true.. I’ve tried to make someone reflect in those area numerous times, but that victim shield is too strong, and it only makes you feel guilty the more you try to make the point.
The more subtle way is asking details about their victimhood. It's usually just their ego being hurt. @@BochuJay
@@redefinedliving5974My NH was so mad at his Mom and disrespected, and verbally abused her…all because when he was 12, and working on a farm across the street, he came in and asked her to make him a sandwich, and she said “no”. She also had 8 kids. I never could understand how he could be so “grandiose”. 22 years later…it all makes so much sense 🤯
@@sharonvaldez9059 this ex friend I had praised the kindness of her ostracized gay uncle in a very religious family because he prepared and paid their dinner as a visitor in their own house. Like?????
Yes, and the problem is that often it can be easy for me to gravitate towards them. Mainly, I think it's because I've also had my share of traumas, and the only people that understand many of my views/angles, are also others that have received similar traumas. Other common people don't notice the same things. Amongst the pool of people traumatized in that age, are exactly also all the ones belonging to this spectrum of disorders (bpd, narc).
In summary: Covert vulnerable narcissistic behavior patterns include: 1. Failure to take personal responsibility for their actiions. 2. A pattern of lying which includes gross exagerations; lies of ommision etc.in order to 'achieve' (see #1.) 3. Unable to show real empathy beyond only just showing sympathy in order to 'achieve' (See #1. and #4.) 4. Often reacting in dramatic ways instead of responding well during diaagreement and/or during a misundertanding. Misunderstandings including normal minor ones that they are keeping a running list record of just in case they want to use one of them against us later while they are playing the victim to 'achieve' (see #1). 5. Seldom apologizes and when they do it sounds double minded in order to 'achieve' (see #1.) 6. They play the martyr. When playing the martry they end up beieving the lie about how perfect in character they are while they no longer needing anyone to help them with blind spots. 7. Often trying to heap shame on others by laying guilt trips (When applying their double standards concerning the behavior of whomever they are scapegoating at the time in order to 'achieve' (See #1.) 8. Unable to show real empathy beyond only just showing sympathy in order to 'achieve' (See #1. and #4. and #7.)
@francesbernard2445 Thank you so much for doing this breakdown. I listened twice because I was busy while listening and missed parts. This helped.
Spot on brah
The good old guilt tripping trick... I fell for that one way too many times.
What's so scary is that for the longest time in my 25 year marriage, my ex framed and scapegoated me as the covert narc, and I believed it at times. Because at times, I would cry at the realization that no one believed me, I felt delusional. When I would speak the actual truth, 1 of my adult kids would say she's being dramatic.
Deep down, I knew it wasn't true, and spent so many years avoiding conflict by people-pleasing and walking on eggshells. While he was able to manipulate everyone into blaming me for everything. I lost my identity and sense of purpose as every waking hour was spent in service of him, proving, supporting, and pleading on how I am a good person.
The days that went well, I had the courage to bring up the past on how his actions affected me, then all Hell would break loose. And he'd say my feelings and thoughts weren't real and that I was playing the victim.
But I realized that He was truly the permanent victim, always repeating how no one cares about him, no one supports him or his dreams, etc. Everyone in his life (especially me) has done him wrong. He honestly seemed to believe it. Even though I was the only one working and taking care of literally everything the past 11-12 years, so that he could focus on building businesses.
Well, he even blamed his unhappiness on me even when I really was happy with him (including his flaws). Until I did come to a point, where I had to see there won't be any positive change. As I grew closer to the Most High, I started getting my confidence back. I put healthy boundaries in place to heal, and as a result, He rushed and pushed me into divorcing him as quickly as possible.
After the divorce was finalized, he thought I'd stay as the live-in girlfriend who continues to pay all of his credit cards, car insurance, mortgage, utilities etc until his income becomes stable? What? He's angry that the manipulation is slipping away.
The time has come to keep putting God first, love myself and leave. I'm okay with being alone and healing properly! HalleluYAH!
@@mrs.messenger GET OUT & LIVE!!!!!🙏❤️
Points that must be highlighted:-
1. You will end up dead if you will be in their company for long. Same thing happened in my family more than once.
2. Leaving is the only option. I have left and trying to keep contact minimum. It is very difficult because of the extreme guilt they and relatives causes you. I am trying the same. Please pray for me. God give me strength.
3. You will become unlively. Your self love will reduce day by day. You will end up being an addict, lethargic piece of s**t. Guilt and confusion will eat you.
Is that what's happening to me? I feel like a hollow shell of my former self. 😢 I don't know how to get out
My ex wife tried to do this to my children and myself.
My daughter has escaped her orbit, thank the Almighty.
My job in life is to be able to remove my sons from her influence when they become of legal age.
Literally it is the only thing that keeps me alive from day to day. I hope that there is enough of me left to live after this happens, I am not even a shadow of my former self.
I have experienced this aswell. And I can confirm, you will end up lethargic, stressed out, sleeping horribly and paralyzed especially after their violent outbursts.
Exactly you nailed it
"You will end up dead" this resonates with me. My ex divorced me and began dating people I worked and played music with and soon every one of them she was with died. I didn't die and I feel that is because I was honest with her and with myself, never allowing her to get deeply into my psyche which she said I was "emotionally unavailable and didn't have her back (flying monkey)" as her reason for divorcing me. Then she said I was the one who wanted the divorce.
It’s so bizarre. They will say anything, do anything, pretend love, to avoid one simple change in behaviour.
So truthful 💯
@@diamondmonique7974What oliviamiller says reminds me of churchie people with their masks
Reading the comments is a big part of healing ^^ 🦋
Yes. Every comment helps heal my heart. I realize we all suffered and deserve to find peace.
I learned all these in my late 40’s . Wish I would have known 20 years back.
I am teaching my children this so they can defend themselves.
our older generation died in pain without knowing who hurt them or who manipulated them. thinking they are the problem
I'm 45 and I'm finally putting the pieces together now, better late than never!
I am learning now and i am older than you . Please , study well and use that knowledge . You will need it .
@@bratbalal9042
Not everyone in the older generation are the problem . We are also responsible .
I hope you don't mind me sharing. I had a covert narcissist friend, who I grew up with. I have many fun memories with her, but there was always this other side. She was moody and never really satisfied in life. She is also quite traumatized by her mother. I started to feel psychologically very unsafe in her presence. She would bring me down with unkind comments. This person knew everything about me and weaponized it against me. Was also very two faced. Nice in the faces of people, but would say mean things behind their backs. The last day I saw her she hit me for the first time. That was the final straw for me. Have never heard again from her since, and all her loved ones stopped taking to me too. I can only imagine what she has told them about me. It's so difficult because I had to be assertive, but almost feel like I was wrong for doing something healthy, keeping boundaries. After a whole year of silent treatment she wanted to get back in touch as if nothing ever happened. I have no interest to reconnect with someone that knows right from wrong and chooses to hurt me regardless and refuses to address the issue. She not seem to want to acknowledge that trust has been broken. Danish this was just a close person in my life but I can not imagine having a parent with such a difficult personality 😞 it's pure emotional neglect. I wish you all the best and I really think your videos are good! ❤
My soon to be ex wife is a covert vulnerable narcissist or a Dark Triad.
They lie so much they can't keep their facts straight all you gotta do is just keep calling them on until they get upset.
Then once they lose control you will see them cycle through their personalities within a half an hour, anger being the last one.
Yes! My brother is one of these narcissists. I grew up always feeling pity for him. Sometimes I still feel that automatic response when I have to see him, which is maybe once every 4 or 5 years. I never felt responsible for his “pain,” but I always felt that I needed to protect him or carry some of it for him. When I finally realized as an adult in my 30’s that he was actually manipulating me into feeling pity for him so he could get supply from me I was completely done. When I pointed out to him that he does it “on purpose,” he just said, “you’ve changed”. 🙄
He was right and now my life is so much better without him in it.
Sadly I now work with a vulnerable covert narcissist who reminds me of him on a daily basis. 🙄
They exploit your emotions for THEM but have none for YOU!
It's all trickery/ witchcraft
Bless you, you got away from him & see him for what he truly is! I'm so proud of you for living your life now❤️
My burning question is recently ; *WHY* do I attract these kind of people??? Is it the curse of being an Empath, that we just notice these abusive behaviors that most others miss?
@@ZRanchLady I believe that this question is the beginning of no longer attracting them. ❤️ We have healing to do and that healing helps us to stop seeing the narcissist as someone to feel sorry for. I’ve seen it work. My narcissist co-manager has completely stopped trying to bait me for supply because he knows that there’s no longer supply to be had here.
I love Danish for comforting healing, but if you aren’t familiar with Tammy M Joyce, check her out too. She has been so helpful in strengthening my resolve and learning how to shut these people down.
@@ZRanchLady They perceive your empathy and know how to exploit it so that they can feed on it and benefit from it. They are emotional parasites.
Coverts are the devil incarnate in my honest opinion. And thank you for this video
someday everyone else will follow this line of thinking. just like in psychiatry, they themselves know there are demons and yet introduce drugs when a spiritual exorcism would be more in line with what is needed. there are only two sides. there are only graduations in the sliding scale. evil vs. God.
Agreed 👍-pure concentrated evil. & machiavelian.
Im sure I’ve seen them on reality tv lmao
The one I was with was into the dark arts. I think she put spells on me that I still need deliverence from. They are human, but they allow themselves to be vessels for the demonic entities to take chosen ones away from God.
Not so much a devil I see my ex as a succubus- a female demon who sucks the life from all men she entangles with her lies and manipulations.
My mother is a very highly respected nurse practitioner who would stand with her hand on her heart supporting the Mandela Effect rather than admit she ever beat me up or insulted me for fun..
It took me 55 years to realize my Mother was a covert vulnerable narcissist
Same here, it took me 53 years to realise my dad was a narcissist and to top it up I discovered a few months ago my partner of 11 years has used and abused my good nature and finances. I now have to find the way to leave with nothing but a beautiful 10 year old boy and a faithful dog that knew who he was before us. Blessings and best wishes to you x
Same here
Same here…took me 59 years…(my Mother) that helps us understand why we attract them like magnets in our life…❤
I have been married to a covert vulnerable narcissist for 40 years. It is as you have described. Your videos are very helpful. Thank-you.
You can’t find a way out! I’d go to a homeless shelter if I didn’t have 2 special needs kids. Why stay?
30 for me ❤
Stay strong fellas❤
Why are you still married to these monsters?
@@silviasirbu1863
You are so correct. 39 years and 5 months, she and I are finally heading towards divorce. It has been a painful journey. It started on our wedding night when she started drinking vodka, tequila, rum, etc. With her friends. Then, I thought she passed outas we were arriving to the hotel. Carried her up to the hotel suite, put her in the bed, removed her shoes and covered her with a blanket, then went into the living room of the suite and watched cable television for most of the night. That was the start of her devaluation phase for me. Years later during a fight, she let it slip out that she was just pretending to be passed out because she did not want to have sex (her words). Not make love, but have sex because she was mad at my parents for not coming to the reception. I was the youngest child with quite an age gap between my siblings and while my parents did not approve of the marriage, they also had health issues and there for went home after the wedding photos. Years later, she stated it was because of my oldest sister not coming to the reception; she was also having female health issues and could barely stand or walk at the time. More time pasted and it was because she didn't like the expression on my parents faces. Then it changed to she thought I had given her an STD a few days before when we had sex; a condition that she was never treated for and something that I knew I didn't have either as she thought that I would have no medical proof since it was 40 years ago, plus she was the only one that I had ever slept with. When I brought up the fact that we left the very next day to go to Tennessee where I was stationed in the Marine Corps, had never left each other's site and that the Marines had sent me all of my records, including medical, she quickly changed her story to say that my parents ruined the wedding by speaking up during the ceremony, also a fact that could be verified by attendees that were there and are still alive. As the years have passed, her false accusations about other things get continually worse and also change each time she says them to the point that they are harder to even recognize as the same accusation/event. I am to the point of sheer exhaustion from her lies, projections, gaslighting, manipulation; the list goes on and on. At the time I was a dumb, naive 19 year, not think with the correct head during all of her love and sex bombing. I was stupid and thought that things would change, that I could somehow make her happy; however as each year has past she has only gotten worse and more demanding. I started to finally wake up a few years ago when I changed jobs which required a fair amount of travel to other countries. My coworkers would often bring their wifes and since we were always in foriegn countries, we would all hang out in a group for breakfast, lunch, dinner, tours and site seeing. I started to notice the dynamics of their marriages and interactions with each other were vastly different from that and my wife and started to question things. That was obviously the wrong move on my part. My wife would complain about how I was getting to see the world, but she would never come with me on any of the work trips. She always had an excuse to not go, now I think I know why as it would have been very telling. Also, during couples therapy a couple of years ago, she tried to convince me that her and the therapist had decided that I was a covert narcissist. She quit going to therapy as she kept complaining that the therapist was taking my side. On the last day that I seen the therapist, my wife was not there and called in to inform the therapist that she would no longer be coming to therapy. After hanging up, the therapist said to me that she thought I should find a way to distance myself from my wife and file for divorce.
I am seeing a male therapist on my own now, and while he has never directly said it, he sure does ask a lot of questions about my thoughts about divorce and has me go home and think and write a lot of lists about the pros and cons of staying together and pros and cons of devorcing my wife.
Humm...
At this point, I have finally gotten the hint after my wife's recent games and rage event.
Sorry for the long winded story, I tried to keep it short and actually left out a lot of the crazy making that my wife has done over the 39+ years.
Now I just feel lost, confused, naive, stupid and like a huge idiot for trying to make things work, for trying to make her happy. Now I old and used up. I'm exhausted and I feel like my life is basically over, but maybe I can at least have a couple of years with some peace, calm, quiet and sanity.
In short, we are dealing with psychopaths/ sociopaths/borderline personality disorder or maybe we dont have the correct name for it yet! I am reminded of a strange animal in the book "Gullivers Travels" called the push me-pull you. You just described both my parents. I once described them to my therapist as a beautiful reptile sleeping in the sun which unprovoked for no reason would race across the room and strike. We do have a word for people who enjoy inflicting pain on others for their own pleasure...Sadists!
Maybe we need a new bigger descriptive word bcs narc is not nearly big enough. I personally am convinced there is a sexual component in their pleasure at hurting others. Danish, you are such a brave man to share what we are afraid to say.❤️
Machiavellian sadistic psychopaths.
I have dared to say it but nobody can believe it and in the end, I'm the one who looks crazy and poisoning.
I too have said this, narcissism, psychopaths and sociopaths...........all demonically influenced. period. there are only two sides in life. we are all guilty of being on the sliding scale if we lie, cheat or point fingers (not taking responsibility) for what we do, etc. but some keep going, instead of repenting, backing up and trying to do right in life, they just keep going and it does get worse, there are no rights any more, just their ego controlling everything and "winning" at all costs. only two sides, people. God and that other side, which is satanic. period, end of story.
I’m afraid you are right. I dated a covert narcissist that had ASPD. Also look up dual mothership and oneupmanship and also schadenfreude that has a lot to do with sadism and spineless sadist. It’s all so crazy and unbelievable. These are the wolves in sheep’s clothings. And their claims of depression, that is just smoke and mirrors. Deep down when they are by themselves and they know and think about the things they do to people they feel like a piece of garage. This is why they need constant distractions. I always like him becuz if he wasn’t busy in school he was independent. Far from the truth. I know exactly what he was doing. With either cash he stole out of my wallet or out of his grandmother’s purse🫤
@@emmamonroe3311
they're pathologically covert thieves too ..
" The devil came to kill, to steal and to destroy,
but Me ( Jesus Christ of Nazareth) came to give you life & more abundantly" Evangelie of Jesus Christ of Nazareth ✨
Read the Bible, Evangelie,
pray to Jesus Christ of Nazareth - who is powerful enough to save your precious soul 🙏✨
I too suspect their is a $€ xual component in the sadism (As in, hurting others gives them that type of pleasure).
That’s how we get couples like Bernardo/Homolka ,Myra Himdley and her male predator partner.
Can totally relate, also from a parent..treading on eggshells, never knowing which side you're going to get, then getting called crazy for telling truths...,becomes emotionally draining. Utterly exhausting.
Thank you for talking about this! I have experienced everything you discussed in your video from the male and female narcissists in my life. My aunt is a raging covert narcissist who told me that I'm a bad mother and no man will want me because I'm too old (I was 35 years old at the time) . When I confronted her about how hurtful what she said was, she burst into tears and denied ever saying that even though there were 3 adults (my father who is a covert narcissist was one of the adults present) who heard her. He did nothing. He didn't defend me he just raged at me. It didn't make any sense. Now that I understand the disorder, their behavior is textbook.
I grew up with a covert narcissistic mom and dad, and they are they most draining people on Earth!! No accountability whatsoever, they're always the victim. It's even worse when both parents are narcissists, because they encourage each other's victim mentalities. I thought I was starting to get through to my mom about how they've been financially irresponsible. Then she had to talk to my dad, and all progress went out the window 🙄 Now they're ganging up on me, calling me ungrateful, and saying how dare I, the child (I'm 34 btw) tell them what to do with their money? SMH
I'm 33 going through same stuff. They are worse when they are educated and doing formidable job in the soceity. I have called them out that they npd they got no shame. Worst ppl to live with.
I went through the same things , these are serpants that just poison and walk away.
@@user-uq6ic8pw8x oh I know all about that… my mom has a PhD lol and she seems to think she’s above anyone else who doesn’t have one!
Thank you Danish for exposing this evil mindset called narcissistic
Your kindness and clarity bring me so much relief. I recently hit an emotional bottom with my mother who is exactly all these things. The fear of abandonment, sense of obligation, and GUILT have run me my whole life and I cannot tolerate this pain and confusion any more. Im seeking therapy and went low contact. The veil of deceit was pierced by her recent vile behavior and your videos, esp this one, has absolutely shredded it. Thank you for your light, your strength, your truth❤
❤️❤️❤️
My separated husband. The switch on switch off empathy was the worst. He could be so caring, even sobbing with me to get his way. Terrible. The worst is the careless way he treats our 5year old and that he has visitation rights.
Bug her bag/items you send so you can get proof of any abuse. Also you’ll be able to hear what he is saying to the child. Once you get that you can get him away forever.
My mother is also a covert vulnerable narcissistic and I can 100% relate to you. I can see the evil spirit in my mother & how is potray herself like an innocent creature ever been on this planet & this had been confusing me since my childhood. I have been blaming myself for her sufferings all my life. And you are 1000% correct that they eat you slowly every day every sec. Right now I am in a process of breaking the trauma bond with her.
Same. Thank God for TH-cam, seems like they are ubiquitous.😮 Jesus Christ saved me from this demon!🙏❤️✝️
Same. I just had my last outburst on her this week, bringing up a lot of horrible things she did and said to me that she still denies. The closest I ever came to an apology was the good ol' "I'm sorry you feel that way" bs. I feel bad that I want to cut ties with her right now because her health is very bad and she probably doesn't have much time left but I feel like I won't have much time left if I stay connected to her poison. Good luck to you! 🙏
Thank you thank you thank you Danish. I was close to suicide but after seeing many of your knowledgeable videos I have found my fighting spirit back and will to survive. I had hit rock bottom with the abuse and being the scapegoat but thanks to your videos I have learnt it's NOT my fault and that I have been abused and betrayed in the worst way. I now know it was not my fault and that has given me my desire to live back and stand up for myself and what's right.
Thank you so so so much Danish. ❤
Many of us have been in your shoes. You are a strong and stable survivor just like Danish!
@@catalinafirefly4685 Thank you for believing in me ❤️
Hey just here to tell you that you are the most brave soul whose strength no one can estimate. Those around you don't deserve you a bit. You have a lot to live for and you will find people who will be grateful to God to have met you. Sending hugs. We are all in this fight together ❤️
@@rizf800 Thank you. That is so nice to hear. 🙏🤗❣️
My only way to combat that suicidal nag is to tell the TRUTH. They lie, but we can tell the truth. And try truth is they want to destroy you. Then, everyone would have to feel bad for them all over again and give them attention. That’s who we are dealing with. I saw my mom do this with my brother. She neglected him through cancer, then, when he died she enjoyed all the funeral attention.
We Warriors of Light can handle them 💪🏼
It took me forty years to break with my covert narcissistic mother. Zero contact is the only way.
Your observations are so spot on and helpful. Thank you.
Danish, thank you for sharing your story and for using your pain to bring healing to those of us who are still figuring out what the heck is happening or what has happened to us.
My narcissists are my husband who is like your father, and my deceased mother-in-law who sounds just like your mother. I had a storybook childhood and never knew people could be mean and manipulative like them, and I believed everything they said and did to me. They brought me to my knees and made me feel like I was literally losing my mind. They were so cruel. It was like he was married to his parents and I was an enemy that they were trying to take down. And they were successful. They broke my spirit and I limped through what should have been the best years of my life.
I am 63 and back when I was raising my four kids ten hours away from my family/support system, I didn’t have the resources and information that is available now that would have helped me figure out that I was a victim of abuse. It’s people like you who are helping me and others untangle exactly what the heck was/is going on. I really thought I was the problem.
Thx for helping us understand people with evil souls.
I am so so sorry that you even went through this growing up.
Having parents like that didn’t make you nasty. Too many excuses are made for narcissists because they had a toxic parent and they are wounded souls. You are proof that they turn nasty out of bitterness and they have a choice!
I agree with this. I grew up surrounded by them and still came out a kind empath. There's no excuse. It's all about them. Guilt tries to get me but then I think about myself and thats a big fat NO. I did not turn out like that, so why did they??? because they're only in it for themselves. PERIOD
My dad's parents were sweet, loving, perceptive, open-minded people who loved having and raising their big family. It's how so many narcs on the paternal side of the family learned to mask so devastatingly well.
My dad and his siblings not only had this great example from their parents, they were also taken to church and Sunday school with great regularity ( they were Catholic. It was considered some sort of huge sin to miss unless you were sick or something). As a result, they heard that Gospel. They know about the will of God. Despite all of this, my dad and at least two of his sibs are two-faced, hypocritical, malignantly destructive and rotten to the core.
The flip side is also true. My sibling ended up as a horribly destructive malignant narcissist just like Daddy while I did not. My sib also married one. And, the "friends" that my sibling and their spouse value the most are the ones who are the most evil. And, the more a person is good at heart, the more they will trash that person.
I know people can be damaged to the point of being toxic and can struggle to treat themselves and others well. But, there is a world of difference between that and an evil person. With an evil person, you can tell that the goal is to hurt you as an end unto itself. And, there is no sincere remorse. There is an ongoing pattern of not just causing you pain and frustration, but of pillaging all of your internal resources. There is a pattern of luring you in to trust them and tearing you apart once you do.
I had difficulty understanding the Bible for years. But, once I understood the real nature of the enemies of God ( not the one the hypocrites like to sell), it started snapping into place. It's the malignant narcs that are on the opposite side of the war of the universe from me.
I also read somewhere that even a high functioning sociopath can logically conclude that life is better if they do what's right. It's just immensely harder for them.
Moral bankruptcy is a choice. It's definitely a choice.
I had a very violent mother who is a malignant narcissist.. everything is still dangerous with them in every way. A covert narcissist's abuse, I witnessed to last year, living with them for 7 months... Danish is on point about the extreme vulnerable behavior, holding one in disdain, crying like a baby over little things "I" did to hurt them so badly, when all I did was disagree! When I moved out of that house..my mind was so fogged, I had no energy, I felt terrible about myself as a person, I was so skinny and suffered from insomnia from stress. My hair was falling out, my menstrual cycle was extremely irregular, plus the pain I felt in my body was the most terrifying of the whole experience. That mental abuse had added on to 30 years of abuse by my malignant mother. Covert is quietly done, the stabbing feeling you sense mentally is REAL. The nightmares I had living in that house were the most terrifying horror I have had since my childhood. "Covertly" cutting you open slowly over and over. No wounds and yet, mentally I was bleeding out and feeling like it was all my fault. Malignant isn't quiet, it's violent at all levels, I have scars, the bone on my left left is slightly deformed today because of her kicking me with steel toe boots. I have the physical proof of malignant abuse. Covert is something I had no clue about and fell hard for because of the "kind, gentle and loving" facade in the beginning..then the inner viper came out but it was too late, I was trapped mentally. One day I'll write a book about my journey home, which is being healed. I kept journaling throughout my entire experience, from childhood to my 30s today. It's sick stuff though.
🙏🙏🙏
Good for you for coming through. I know what it’s like to live with one of these monsters. They will drain you and hurt you until their last breath. ❤
After being gone for 14 months from my ex partner, I still can’t work out which type of narcissist she is, or my mother who I not long after learning the word narcissist and what it means, I realised she was also a narcissist, then just recently through my conversations with Jesus I have discovered my ex-husband turned narcissist after his parents, I always knew something was wrong I just couldn’t put my finger on what it was, I used to think they were just emotionally disconnected, but now Jesus has shown me what has been done behind my back. I should have known from a couple of things my daughter has said or asked me about, but I just didn’t connect the dots, the narcissists in my life and there’s more than I realised, have poisoned my children’s minds against me, my eldest daughter is also a narcissist who has cut me off from my darling grandson 😭💔 I just don’t know how to define which type they are, there seems to be some cross overs.
I had the same kind of violent , narcissistic mother. When I lived in her house, I was so anxious I was tutored my last year of school. She would go off on anything like if I didn't wash the dishes right. These were the kind of rages that weren't appropriate for small things. She managed to cover it up with her helpless victim persona. It is a lifelong struggle to be a healthy person and stay out of the chaos and darkness a narcissist lived in but so worth it.
This video makes me want to cry. I can relate so much. I recently learned during a therapy session that my ex of 6 years was likely a covert narcissist. I was suffering in silence for so long and had no idea why. The love bombings, the fake crying, the lying, the guilting. I thought he just had a bad memory because he seemed to remember doing or saying nothing. The mind games are horrible. We broke up in November and I’m still so blocked mentally. I still find myself questioning reality. I hate that people so easily prey on the vulnerable. My question for you was if they are aware of what they are doing and you answered it for me. Even more saddening. I’m happy I stumbled across this video. I’m sorry for the hurt your mother caused you but I’m glad you see through it all now and can heal yourself and others. Thank you so much for sharing!!!
I had a Situation like this with my father that abused and tortured me, my grandmother told me i dont realize reality because my father is so nice to me, so i starting questioning my reality long time.
The fake crying....yes, I'm seeing that narcissists have learned to cry on demand. They do the fake crying. Well, everything about them is fake.
If we were asked to create a character that personified evil, we could never conceive of the characteristics that make up these vulnerable covert narcs. My sister destroyed her own cousin party where some of us while playing a fun game (as she was giving a tour of her house for the 100th time) were explosively interrupted by her shouting "games are stupid; just talk to each other like ur supposed to," Everybody was so stunned but said nothing. A few months later, i called her out on her bullying, gaslighting and visceral screaming jags on so many issues and cut off the relationship-- and happily for 5 years now. You can't give in to these psychopaths! You must stand ur ground, become a Sigma female or male. Many thanks for this difficult and important discussion, Danish! Nobody deserves the sadistic treatment they so dismissively and consciously dish out to innocent victims! 😮❤
Wow! Sounds like your cousin really could not stand other people's happiness. Good for you for cutting off ties with her. She would of brought you down. Cousin or no cousin it's not worth jeopardizing your well-being.
@@francalatona591 Thank you. It was my SISTER; She made the party for all the cousins.
Alternate reality every single day. No well-adjusted person can live around this. You are so strong, Danish! 💪💪
I was in a relationship with this type of narcissist, who was aware of these behaviors and would label me with them when I was legitimately confused and trying to have a conversation. I would know exactly what I said or did and would know when he changed details to fit his narrative, but when trying to defend myself I would be accused of doing exactly what he was doing.
OMG.. me too😢
There’s a part of me still fighting denial… it can’t be true but the word-for-word things he’s said to me that every other narc says .. it’s eerie… 💔
I had the same experiences! It made me think I was the one with a mental illnesses (borderline personality disorder, OCD, hypocondria, ADHD, etc.). The denial and confusion is so poisonous. I have been writing every detail down and read it when I think I'm the problem. I've also shared my experience with close people to help make sure I have more confidence I'm seeing things clearly. It's taking a while but it's rare when I doubt myself now. You can fight those doubts and trust yourself again!
My dad, big-time big-time big-time and my mom and the neighbor a big time big time, and then more narcissist in my life after that, but I did not know any of these people were narcissists until just the September 4. I knew there was dysfunction and everything for so many many years, but I had no idea the definition to narcissist was more than just someone who was considering themselves by their actions like looking in a mirror or talking about how awesome they are. Now, in my life, it explains so so so much. When my dad would get mad, sometimes, my mom would then just side and join him.
This is absolutely my mother. She used every single tactic on my sister and I growing up and into my 30s until I finally realized she was a narcissist and all my failed relationships were narcissists. Horrific trauma which gave me CPTSD and a myriad of emotional which turned into physical illnesses.
This was what stole so many years of my life, health, money, spiritual assurance, so much- he believed he was a victim & preyed upon all sympathies , i was an empath & almost destroyed me. Everyone abandoned us & believed him , magnifying the abuse. They are cowards bcs tho he would use divorce to threaten me so often , and cold hearted abuse, he would never do it they are lazy and non active they drive you to action then blame you play the victim. He stole my church family and they think he is the victim but he almost destroyed us , i did leave everything just to save us. These ppl are almost soul less and never stop lying .
Thank you Danish,
God help & bless all the survivors of narcissistic abuse to find succour & true help they need to thrive & live, to be the best version of themselves ✨🙏🙏🙏
My mother was a loved by everyone. She made every person feel like the most important person in the room. And she hated my guts. She slandered me to everyone in our town. My own relatives would cross the street to avoid me. Noone would ever have believed what she put me through. I had to leave our town
When your own mother doesnt love you it is very hard to find love in the world. I will never know why these are the cards life dealt me. But at least now we have knowledge of narcissistic abuse. Knowing that when i was young would have made all the difference in the world. At least i understand it now.
My covert narc (poor excuse for a mother) has told me repeatedly through the years, that I ruined her body. Gee, I don't remember asking to be born!
My father is a raging covert narc. The most evil thing I've ever seen. I now know why your videos and insta posts feel so relatable to me. I'm sorry you had to go through such trauma, and are even now doing so, because I know the trauma never ends, no matter how far you are from the narc now. I wish you all the best and thank you for being such a huge support to many of us who have gone through and are going through the same kind of nightmare everyday.
My mom died when I was 4, and I was brought up by my covert narc father and my overt narc aunt. I was the scapegoat child. My life has been a nightmare. It took me nearly 30 years to come to terms with the fact that I was being abused (and had been all of my life since I was a toddler) and groomed by my family since I was a baby, and the recovery process has been excruciating. My father is all of those things that you mentioned in this video, and more. Much, much more. I've secretly started consulting a therapist (because if my father gets any hint of this, he'll make my life even more hell than he already has) and I've been diagnosed with cPTSD and OCD. I don't feel human anymore, and I know that's the result of being controlled like a puppet all of my life by my inhuman father and aunt. It's especially hard considering I live in a very conservative community that has zero knowledge of human psychology and zero empathy for people suffering from severe psychological ailments. I've been called a liar, a bad daughter, an ingrate, an abuser, a "pagal", and everything in between and my father and aunt have been called utter angels on earth, just because I dared to speak the truth. Eventually, I stopped speaking.
Something that covert narcs do to you is distort your sense of reality. They mess with your head so much that you don't know what's real anymore, and you're stuck in a constant, perpetual state of hypervigilance and anxiety, reduced to a shell of a human being. There was at time when I was a robot. I didn't know what was real and what was a lie. I just accepted that everything my dad said was a lie, but I had to pretend it wasn't to be spared from his wrath and resulting tantrums. I lived my life mechanically, just doing the bare minimum to exist. That's all I did. Exist. I would just sit in my room, still and straight, vacantly staring at the wall until my dad or aunt would call me with some demand to be fulfilled, which I would fulfill and then come back to my room and sit like that waiting for the next demand. They had successfully turned me into their personal robot. I wasn't human anymore.
Dazai Osamu is one of my favourite authors, and his book, "No Longer Human" is one of my favourite books because it's one of the most relatable things I've ever read. But I love his "Setting Sun" more because it's more relatable to me. In this book, the protagonist's mom is presented as this angel-on-earth type woman, who is perpetually a victim, and her daughter (the protagonist) spends half of the book catering to her while ignoring her own mental and physical health and needs and her own life, just like I have done my entire life. For me, the mother is a very apt characterisation of a covert narc. She is a wolf in sheep's clothing. But here is the most interesting part... In all critical and literary analyses that I've read of the book, the mom is ALWAYS seen as what she herself poses as: a sacrificing angel of a human who can do no wrong and who is a great victim of every circumstance ever. People see the character as "an example of a member of a downfallen nobility after WWII", but to me, that's not it. That's not what she is. The person who actually suffers the consequences of both the personal and social situation is *the daughter* and not the mother. The mother, the covert narc, has successfully done what all covert narcs are so good at doing: fooled an entire population of the readers of this book into thinking she was the victim all along, and that _she_ is the greatest thing to exist since sliced bread. That's one of the reasons I love this book so much. It's one of the most realistic descriptions of a covert narc. To normal people who have never encountered such a person, she's what she's pretending to be, and the only people who will read the book with the "covert narc" interpretation are the ones who do know what the reality is. Dazai's own life was very similar to mine, especially his childhood, and his depictions of narcissism in his books is just *chef's kiss*. In fact, he wrote a short story about a narc when he was 16. And that's one of the best depictions of narcissism I've ever read. If you haven't, I really recommend reading his works. But sorry about the tangent.
I also wanted to add a sixth trait of covert narcissists that make them so dangerous, and that is their hidden sadism. They're extremely sadistic, but they won't show their sadism outright, like they do everything else. They're evil, but they're also covert. Unless you've been a victim yourself, you don't see the sadism even if they're being sadistic right in front of you. They're all predators. You know how a cheetah hunts a gazelle? The cheetah will hide behind a bush or tall grass and will sit there, crouched down, for hours, watching the gazelle. Out of the entire herd of gazelles, they select the one that they feel is the weakest and would be the slowest, and therefore, the easiest to catch. Then they just wait. They don't pounce rightaway. They wait as long as they have to, to make sure that the gazelle is completely unaware of it and unsuspecting of any attack. Once the gazelle is completely calm and unaware, the crouching cheetah then reveals itself and hunts it. This is what covert narcs do. They select a victim who is empathetic and "easy to mould" and then they spend years grooming them. Once the grooming is complete and the victim is completely under the narc's control, they pounce. And since they warp their victim's sense of reality and ability to trust their own feelings, experiences and judgement, the victim themselves don't realise they're being manipulated and abused. And that's the reason I ignored all of the red flags. I ignored everything I saw and felt, because I was brainwashed to feel like it was all my imagination because I was an ungrateful child. But it's true that I did see and feel those things. Just like you say in your video. And it's one of these things that I want to talk about, and this has got to do with the covert narc's sadism.
I've seen a kind of smile on my dad's and aunt's faces since I was a child, that made me very uncomfortable and afraid. It's the Narcissistic smile. I'd love it if you could make a video about that. It's such an evil, sadistic smile, full of malignancy and hate. And they always smile like that when they feel like they've "won" over me by making my life hell. For example, I was once suffering from an acute gastric problem, for which I was taking a medicine that made me go to the bathroom very frequently. My aunt deliberately "bathed" for two hours that day, so that I couldn't go to the bathroom. In the end, I was delirious in excruciating pain and banging on the bathroom door, crying. After two hours of so, my aunt emerged from the bathroom, with the most sadistic smile I've ever seen. Like she was telling me, "see? I control your life. Know your place, peasant." She deliberately kept the bathroom locked for two hours knowing that I was sick and would need to use it, and gained sadistic pleasure out of my suffering. That smile looked like she had "won the battle between her and me", whatever "the battle" was in her sick mind that day, and that she was showing me my place, at her feet. I've seen that smile on her and my dad many times throughout my life. But no one else has. They reveal their sadism only to me, knowing that no one else would believe me even if I told the truth. I've seen my dad act covertly sadistic with others too, but he never smiles then. He never reveals his actual glee at the other person's suffering at his hands. In fact, he acts like he's extremely concerned about them and sorry for their suffering, and if he's the one who caused that suffering, then he pretends to be innocent and then accuses the victim of framing him, thereby becoming the victim himself. No matter what, in which reality and on what planet, a covert narc is ALWAYS A VICTIM. That's their only identity. But my aunt, who is an overt narcissist, is different. She doesn't hide her sadism. She's not even aware of her sadism being exposed. She smiles like that in front of other people too. She doesn't know she's a narc. But my father does. And that's one of the things that make covert narcs so dangerous. Even though they pretend not to know, they're actually self-aware. They know what they are. They might not know the name of it, or what it means from a psychological pov, but they know what kind of people they are, and that what they do is actually evil. *They know.* And they hide it. Expertly. No Oscar is enough for a covert narc. They're the greatest actors on Earth. And the reason they're so dangerous is because they're hiding in plain sight. They're covert.
Sorry about this looooong rant. You probably won't read this, but thanks again 💚
This is wonderfully written and I know the smile. My covert mother has it. She doesn’t show it to anybody else but me . She knows that at a certain young age I was fully on to her evil ways.
You are also correct that nobody will believe you or see it. I’ve always seen straight through her and she knows it. Yes, the damage was done, but I knew there was a lot wrong with this lady.
Your message has helped me. xo
Thank you so much for sharing & recommending the books. I wish you great healing and that you may one day experience all the love that you deserve. You are so worthy and so loved by the Creator of the entire Universe. ❤❤❤
Conservative truly for liberty, a lib follower is the much more serious threat, btw.
Culture plays a large effect. You can t leave easily. Keep that in mind. I just speak as a Christian, freedom is possible by my Lord, the real one. G luck.
It’s amazing, that all these accountable stories is making me say “holy s**” numerous times how relatable these patterns are..
Bashir, I could sense your sadness and pain during this video. How monstrous these people are.
First, is to identify them,.. you recognise them by their behaviour
Second - plan A strategy- plan to separate/ how to go to no contact mode from them, or at least how to restrict the communications with them - as much as possible,
Third - separate yourself/ leave them - total no contact with these pathological abusers/ manipulators & maintain no contact, don't go back to them,
Beware! they have technics how to lure their favourite victim back to their abusive system,
stay off their tricks & traps
Be strong, stay with God, stay with Jesus Christ of Nazareth who is able to save your soul to the uttermost..
"Devil came to kill, to still and to destroy. I ( Jesus Christ of Nazareth) came to give you life more abundantly".. "He came to set the captives ( including the victims of narc' abuse) free".. "Whosoever calls upon the name of the Lord Jesus Christ of Nazareth shall be saved"
read The Bible, Evangelie of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, pray to Jesus to save your soul, call on His Name that is above any name, and He will save you 🙏🙏🙏✨
Malignant narcissists lie with the truth: they will use truth in such a twisted way it is a lie that deceives.
My sister is a covert and she told me she is an empath. She told me she knows how others are feeling. She does not use that knowledge for good though but instead to manipulate and lie. She gathers info from everyone and is constantly telling people what others said or how they feel. She has told me things about others and has told people around me things about others. She constantly lies. One week she will tell me one thing and next week on the exact same discussion she will tell me the opposite. I think she gathers info, tries to find out how others tick and tries to be the go between with interpersonal issues of people. She tries to be all things to all people while making sure she has the latest Info and the edge. I have no words for what she has become. I’m sure she will only up her game.
Sounds exhausting 😰
This is my sister!! She's been diagnosed with BPD and is a covert narcissist playing empath and healer! This is a whole new breed of "healer" covert narcissists!
Narcissism is the virus plaguing our planet!!
Lord, help us all 🙏
Sounds like my mother and ex husband. It’s fun for them, and they’re ALWAYS talking. The constant talking is how they get all this done.
That's a good observation- a new breed of narcs playing empath and healer. I've got one of those in my family. Your sister - sounds like you should go no contact.
@@mtc-j9i ALWAYS talking!! 24/7
NEVER listening
My mother through and through, always accusing me of attacking her when I was only trying to get some resolution, I wasted so much time and energy trying to get her to act like a human being. Epic FAIL!
Yes. When I tried to resolve things with my nex, he said I was attacking him. You are the first I've seen make this observation which matches my experience.
I can relate to everything you’ve said Danish. Life with covert vulnerable and covert alfa narcissists feels like living in a horror movie. There’s nothing you can do about it but leave. We can only control what we can control which is ourselves. Covert narcisists will torment you to death. We have to walk away and stay away from those evil creatures who operate in human bodies.
My previous coworkers were the same as well. They always appeared in the cover of "concern", but in actions took me down. They smeared me and slandered me socially, professionally, legally, personally and virtually. Literally everything negative one can imagine was all done, but in the cover of "benefitting me, helping me, in my concern" .
The funniest part is, socially and legally all of this was accepted and people took part in their game. This makes the previous coworkers less evil than the people and society who accepted this behavior of their' . Because if there were no performers, there would have been no performance.
Yes covert narcs are the most deadly I’m still here for some reason I didn’t think I was going to make it for years I’m surprised I’m still here
It's not too late, start dreaming of a new you ,you are full of courage.❤
Same here. I always knew they would kill me if they felt like it.
This episode is very special in many ways.The chosen topic is really crucial to make others understand.But you have made it comprehensible with your wonderful skills of simple presentation. This is your biggest asset. Showing intense knowledge of topics doesn't work.Making others to understand complex things in a smooth way is the real intelligence I can deeply relate with each of your words 🙏
It makes them look bad when they can't control you any more. So, that need for it, craving ultimate control, if you let them, they will figuratively bash your brain in to get it. Some of them will do that literally. I wanted to understand, why my own family would scapegoat, invalidate & discard me. All those years I've made excuses for them. Now I know why, awareness has made it impossible to further excuse any of it. Breaking, or attempting to break the cycle so many times, it's broken for good now. I can't believe I'm saying this, I'm glad that I was scapegoated, used, abused, discarded. I haven't lost my family, they've not been my family since the first time I stood up for myself age 13. I've lost an unbearable burden, I've lost the millstone, finally, from around my neck. I'd rather be me, than any of those wretched sorry excuses for human beings. Thank you, Danish, for baring your soul in order that we may make, something resembling sense, of this utter madness. One:LOVE.
my mother was/is the same. After 15 yrs abuse incl beatings food deprivation gaslighting, I finally fought back then she called social services & feigned a breakdown, feigned Parkinson’s & gave my father an ultimatum “either he leaves or I leave” at which point I was placed in care, years later she said “haven’t you moved on yet, I was abused …” no remorse / accountability, now the whole enabling family are dead to me
I met a few vulnerable covert narcissists in my grad program and they really were the worst. At first, they seemed really nice and friendly (but in hindsight, almost too good to be true). Then, they started crossing boundaries...like acting helpless and needy, so that you actually spend time and effort helping them, when they can do these things on their own. And after they get what they want from you, they discard and backstab you. For instance, one of them asked for advice on which courses to take...and then later told the professors what I said. Another one got help from me on the project we were working on together...he was praised by the professor for his work and tried to prevent me from sharing my work (this was a remote meeting on Zoom and he needed to stop sharing his screen, otherwise I can't share my screen). When I asked the professor if I could work by myself on a different project, the narc acted like he was the victim...and unfortunately, the professor sided with him and told the other professors, ultimately ruining my reputation in the program.
Ew why does this seem like a common Occurrence for grad school..... exact same for me with my disgusting TA in my grad program. He literally was the ~uwu, poor me~ kind of dude who would do things for students to establish himself as the "cool and helpful" TA that everyone loves. He then slowly and implicitly kept pushing himself on me, asking for my # etc and always framed it like it was for discussion / academic enrichment (there were some subjects I was super interested in and he'd recommend books, sources etc). Then, he'd up the ante and try to make moves on me without even telling me (all of a sudden out of nowhere, he'd offer me his jacket etc). Then when I finally noticed (bc he was so damn covert lmao) and pointed out that I have a BF but it's my private life and I didn't know I needed to let my male TA in on that information, he acted disgusted and appalled lmaoo. Like how dare I not know he was trying to violate title IX and reveal info about my personal life? Then when I ofc would not do anything with him, he slept with another girl during the quarter and made moves on several others as we neared the end of it. He would then FUNNEL THIS INFO TO ME (!!) as if I had anything to do with it, so now it would somehow be my burden to carry, like I was complicit somehow. Had I tried to point it out or say anything I am 100% certain I would have been framed as an aggressor because I'm much more direct than he is and he already established relationships where he made himself a "nice and sweet guy" to others. I am certain very few people would believe me in such a context. Cue himself peppering me with woe is me texts, I'm so emotionally vulnerable, omg why won't this student I violated title IX with engage with me in ways I want, etc.
I wish I had known it wasn't commonplace for students to take TAs contact info,, this dude would literally go out with a group in the cohort and were so casual. So, from that I assumed that since grad students and TAs are closer in age/status (literally I also had professors asking me to always call them by their first names) that this might be more of a commonplace thing in grad school. Phew... little did I know. These types are honestly so pathetic and it's even worse when it's packaged into a male assistant trying to neg you into doing "favors" for them. These leeches are by far the worst... lesson(s) learned.
This is why I started recording my ex when he would act ridiculously.
Good for you! It’s the only thing I wish I would’ve done on top of screen shots and texts with my ex covert narc husband. The lies , smearing and slandering my name is so bad and nasty. He’s the good guy so charming and funny winning over everyone’s hearts. Wish I would have recorded the monster behind the scenes.
I used to do this to a girl and she’d literally shut up bc she couldn’t stand to hear how ridiculous she sounded.
My ex-husband , I was with him for 26 years... I had 33 sessions of counselling until 2019 - it helped enormously...
In one counciling section in mutual divorce i got really destroyed and cried alot.i understand your pain.Dont be sad .They don't deserve us...live a peaceful life 💕
We don’t go through this. We learn to live despite it.
I know who you are. Your ex-husband is a very good man but you are the evil one
@@Jonnie-qc7tk
Yes, live & thrive though Jesus Christ of Nazareth - is the only way✨🙏
In that case, why doesn't Jesus stop them? How will trusting in Jesus stop the abuse? I'm genuinely interested.
“i’m sorry your feelings were hurt” is one of their favorite “apologies” to use.
Or how about, I’m sorry you feel that way. Never validating your feelings.
Thank you. Great video. Fits my scenario perfectly. The relationship will end.
Danish, thank you so much. Yes it’s very true to even recognise this kinda abuse is difficult. I have many solid examples for every points.
I too realised about my narc mother just a year ago, I was 30yrs. And really hurts to know that one person who thought loved me never had the motherly affection or care it was just a play. Idk how to explain the hurt, now that I remember each and every incident it’s even more tedious.
It was all about her even now. I tried to reason with her cause my inner child never wanted to let go of this trauma bond, no matter how much I explained my hurt it was only about her she could talk.
You just described my ex husband soooooooooo accurately! The pathological lying, the fake empathy, the insanely high level of victimhood, the invisible knife wounds, denying anger but always angry, heaping on the guilt, playing on my empathy, and almost driving me to kill myself. Other people are still falling for it, but I see clearly now.
My brother, someone who never really commits to a situation and life itself, like all narcs, and someone who never reveals himself, because "himself" is not there... Someone who on top of that always predicts his own fail... he can indeed not be beat. A covert narcissist that is "successful" will make sure, that soon enough he will fall and fail again. He can not bear the responsibility of winning. He must fall back into the adopted role of victim hood, that he switches so quickly to abuser who victimizes those, stupid enough to care for him...
I also feel one very typical ingredient oft coverts is the co-dependent nature. In this example of "mother child" relationship, it shows brutally: The mother uses the dependency of the child and actually abuses this "power" to camouflage the fact, that the truly dependent, needy and abusive person is herself....
So Covert narcissists are deeply needy and dependent, but constantly try to violently shift that perspective of them being co-dependents to the opposite view: This person is dependent of me. This person depends on my grandiosity, that I have lost, cause I am such a victim. But if that person shows me, and believes me, I can almost feel, as if.. I am alive... something like that....
And my friend, I agree with you on this: I think coverts are more aware than most grandiose narcissists. They are secretly proud to be evil. To be bad. To be sadistic. But when you mortify them , by making it public, that is when suddenly they are not so proud and sadistically smiling anymore. That's when they retreat into victim hood.
I once told him that ever since we have been together, every morning when I wake up, I pray and ask God to please not let him get angry today. "Please don't let him get angry with someone else and then start in on me. Please bless us with a good day, no drama". ...I was giving him a hint that i should not have to pray so hard just to have one good day with no anger. He didn't get it. Because he was the source of all the drama the whole time. I fought so hard, over 10 years, just to have good days without drama. Now that I'm away, I wake up afraid that I'm in trouble.😢 Its just my family here and its just peaceful. Its very hard to shake off. I sometimes feel it when my nephew speakes loudly at the dog... my immediate feeling is...fear!!! It's only been 6 months now that I'm away. He has all my belongings but i can't care. I have my life. I have faith that time will heal. Prayers up to all who are currently suffering this abuse🌹. Thank you for this information because it puts everything into perspective. Its just weird that you have told me everything about him from MY own perspective, when i thought I was all alone. Blessed 🐝 🙏🙏🙏❤️❤️❤️
Thank you for the video I found out my mother is a covert narcissist only after her death till her death she traumatized me to the core. She behaved like a martyr her whole life like her parents didn’t care and husband is alcoholic abuser and her actual problems started when she was pregnant with me and I have brought all the bad luck in her life and she literally said this to me. I was depressed all my life trying into impress her with both me and my brother she played games and separated us completely that we don’t care each other. Not even a day would end without she bringing up the topic of how she sacrificed her life for us and left her husband and actually in truth she had a affair with a man my fathers friend when he was working in different country and one night I literally caught them and I was shocked to the core I was just 10 years and from then I saw her real face and she got to know that I knew about the affair and started abusing me and infront of others she would insult me and always I am the most arrogant one and she was such and angel doing beautiful things for me even though I am a devil. After this when my father came back I wanted to become close to him and my mother gaslighted my father and he would beat me she left my brother not caring about him and he became very stubborn and didn’t study and would fight with me she filled my brothers heart with jealousy and when father wasn’t at home she would gaslight us talking how my father is a failure and she was the one supporting our family and then one day my father also has a doubt that my mother had a affair with his friend and then in an argument she shouted it infront of others and that day she left the home with me and left my brother there in complete confidence that I won’t open my mother and after going to my maternal parents she did all drama and accusing everyone that her life was hell because of them and asked for divorce my grandmother is a big narcissist and she knew what her daughter was doing and she did not support this drama and finally she didn’t take divorce but she wanted my father to come for us and create fights and drama and torture her parents and even they were fed up from all this and told her to go from her and all my life and studies were disturbed every time with horrible dramas running away from places and finally after slowly everything became normal and my father left hope on us and my brother also slowly started to realize and began working and I started working and then the topic of my marriage started and she would blame me for everything why was I like the way I am low esteem low confidence not social and she blamed me that no one would be interested to marry me and tortured me horribly I had an argument with her and burst out and then she cried that day and then went to my brother and told everything bad about me and he started shouting at me I wanted to run away that time but to scared to do it and finally she died and only after that my grandparents and my aunt my mother’s sister who is a narcissist herself tried all the games and I was really strong at that time not letting anyone control me and slowly I got married after sometime now I am living away from them but I just can’t go no contact even when I limit the contact they call me and trigger me with their words I am doing mediation now to come out of my depression even my in-laws side everyone is a narcissist and he to suffered a lot and still in control of my in laws but he understands me and takes care of me and slowly I am trying to come out of my trauma and depression.
This set off a staggering number of bad memories. Even if you remember them saying something… What day was it? What time? Do you remember exactly word for word what was said? What was the context? Who else was in the room? Was the statement made because of something they said? Let’s say you can clear these hurdles… well.. it’s unbelievable YOU went to that extent. It’s because YOU are always trying to start something. YOU are an unforgiving bitter soul who holds grudges. YOU are unloving and always trying to bring him down just like everyone else. YOU never stand up for him. He is all alone with no one to rely on. Meanwhile you’re paying for their entire existence.
Omg, i see myself here! "I am always bringing up the past", the "past" => something that happened yesterday.
@@tesla4473 You spend so much time trying to prove things: your love, your trustworthiness, your point, your value.... I want to stop going between extremes like trying to never think about that time and remembering it to justify myself to myself.
I hope by "yesterday" you were remembering the PAST and that past isn't current for you.
This is what I went through and I can't describe it the way you do. I'm an adult and they drain me to the point I have no idea how to escape. I don't know how to avoid all my family which is what I should do. People think I have the best family and I'm so tired
I just received my brothers ashes. When my brother killed himself my mother wouldn’t let me come to his service. I might be a victim too. She kept his ashes in a shoebox in her closest. My mother died November 2022. My ex coerced her to change her will. My cousin, who is the trustee, withheld all important family objects. She’s held them charging my inheritance to withhold these items. I literally just got the ashes. I fell to pieces. Even more I am soooo angry. How can there be such cruelty? I feel bombarded by ex narcissist, my mom narcissist and the constant flying monkeys. I try to keep going.
🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
Hold to Jesus Christ of Nazareth, pray to Him, God is there near for you 🙏🙏🤣
Thank you
my brother (the golden one who was/is aggressive and mean) and my niece (raised by my narc mother) both stole the family inheritance, he stepped in and controlled everything while reaping $$$$ but behind his back my niece had already taken my mother (who by this time had dementia and was frail) pressured her into signing a new will at a notary and then cashed out millions and left the country. yep, both "golden children aka arrogant thieves" - same as what my mother did to her siblings, my mother did this to obtain her wealth as well, so she taught them well. the rest of us (8 others) were in the will but none of us got anything due to their theft...............and they are hiding out but we are not going to chase them. let the devil take his due...........
@@JustMe-uu3bh
🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
This kind of narcissistic parents saddles the children with a range of jobs to do for them - this one makes them feels big and strong, this one makes them feel successful, this one makes them feel less bad about themselves, this one makes them look like a victim to the outside world; the list of jobs is endless! Resign. Resign, resign. Namaste!
Plus the snap rage attacks. My mom use to beat me till I blacked out.. this was before three... (we moved when I was three and she couldn't hit us like she use to)
She never got caught.. as this is adult and battery along with years of snap rage that would end in countless hours of beatings and punishments..
Hours I spent locked in my room.. because she got some reason hated me...
I really wish I had evidence so I could take her to court now that they brought back the chair for pedos. She used my sister to catch a pedo... one she knew about since she was a child. She used my sister to catch a grown man... my sister wasn't even two..... and the way she treated me.. it's disgusting.
From the points expressed in your video I must conclude that my mother was a covert vulnerable narcissist. She would play the victim, get me to defend her against my abusive father, acting as though she was selfless, but deep down she was only protecting herself. She made me think of her as a long-suffering saint!! I revised my opinion of her many years ago and recognised how she manipulated people with her fainting spells and 'migraines', retiring to bed for long periods. Btw she and my father sent me away when I was just three years old to live in another country. I could never end my children away. That's what convinced me finally.
It took me 40 it shattered my world I thought she was my best friend but she truly twisted my brain inside out
Best advice is trust nobody and be to yourself. You don't owe anybody anything. The only people which you have unbreakable bonds with is immediate family like brother sister mum dad and your own children. And even these relationships there's problems. You don't have to like these people but you should do your best to maintain them.
I blame tv and books that brainwash us. Like tv shows such 'friends' and 'big bang theory' or films such as 'twilight' etc. Even books like Harry Potter. These fake worlds give us an idealised version of how friends and romance should be. But reality is very different.
Best thing to do is to teach your loved ones so they don't fall victim.
It sucks because you didn't have anyone to teach you so you had to learn the hardway.
I have experienced covert narcissist:.
1. You feel something is not right but you can't pinpoint finger at them or anything.
2. They will give you stuff/things but they're not connected to you emotionally.
Oh my gosh. This is my ex. I tried to explain to a few close people how he would take whatever had actually happened in whatever situation and rewrite it into anything that made me sound like an awful, abusive liar. People didn’t really believe me until they became part of the stories. Now he is trying to have me charged with his attempted murder. These people are insanely dangerous.
When I did walk away, I got an "apology" to tempt me into letting them back in. By "apology" I mean I got a sorry minus all the indications of taking responsibility for their part, and then blame shifting - all said with a resentful tone.
I never thought anyone could describe what I was facing every day from my narc but charming husband. Thanks Danish for putting this video out.. lotts of respect
@Danish Bashir Did you have experience dating narcissists? Beside your mother, have you had other vulnerable covert narcissists in your life?
Hello from another one of your siblings from a different country!
To me the key difference between "being a liar" and "pathological lying" is that the first ones do it for profit and the second ones do it even when it's against their best interests; they do not even comprehend the truth.
"You were born to take care of me". BTW, if anybody reading this hasn't, read or watch "Like Water for Chocolate", but trigger warnings galore. Both my progrenitrix and the one in that book have that mindset: "you're the child that I've decided will spend her whole life caring for me, therefore you're not allowed to have any kind of life of your own".
Whew! Powerful words. I am living with one now. My husband of 16 years. He drove me to alcoholism, but i quit drinking over 6 months ago, and started therapy at the same time. I have a plan of action to leave, especially realizing his part in my almost total downfall. I am putting my life back together and that scares him to death. We all must stay strong, support each other. And most importantly, know we ARE good people, not who they want us to think we are. Thank you❤
Wow, I totally get this, I’ve been with him since I was 16 I’m now 51, I have a plan too, he controlled be financially, emotionally, spiritually everything really, both my parents died when I was 30 so that didn’t help matters, he’s getting worse. I have a well paying job money goes into a different bank account. They actually drive you to drink. Yes we need to have a clear head. ✨💫
Yes, I was with a dangerous covert vulnerable narcissist who hid everything and presented himself as a honorable awesome caring person. He was living a whole other life, and he totally fooled us all
It took me 30 years to understand that my husband was a covert narcissist! But when I understood I started therapy - and I am healed
So sorry about your experience. My Mom is a covert narcisist. She is impossível. Nowadays I can see her real face.
Ooooh, THANK You, Danish!🙏🙏🙏 So IMPORTANT topic that we should scream. And so PRECISE introduction. (after watching just the introduction)
Thank you, Danish for your work and for helping people! May God bless you and guide you always 🙏
This is remarkably accurate. I am so proud to say that I finally broke the ultimate tie it can be comparable to playing pool with the 8 ball 🎱. I finally overcame the narc of all narcs in my life. She spent decades gaslighting and manipulating with her sadist mentality always centered around death and suppose she suddenly dies. Now I welcome this notion. Now I don’t care. And that was the nail in the coffin. The apathy. I felt the trauma bond finally break and now I’m free
Thank you for your work.
This is so spot on!!! Danish, you are wonderful for helping us in so many many way…thank you so much!!!
Thank you Danish, for all your videos and sharing your story with people like us. God bless you always.🙏
I had a good come-back to the "I never said that!" bull. I said "Nice try, but you are neither too stupid to not remember nor are you smart enough to trick your way out of this one." BOOM! Narc injury inflicted, narc rage triggered. An entire class of 2 year olds couldn't compare to that tantrum. And that exactly is my confirmation that I was right lol.
As to the pretend empathy, ugh. With a bit of a stretch you can call it intellectual empathy.
We must have had the same parents...and I ended up from the fire in the frying pan, still stuck.
I can’t explain how your videos have helped me see things that I never seen before thank you for sharing ur videos ❤
Wow Danish!! Thank you so much for this video. You're so enlightened and educative on this subject. I thank God for giving you the right language to explain and express all of this to us. To everyone who's still struggling to get back on their feet after abuse, I send my love and my heart out to you❤️
I am glad you caught on early , Danish. Thanks for helping us see the details of this abusive situation.
You are really inspiring. Much love. Cant wait every time you put out a new video. Thank you from all us survivors and thrivers. ❤❤❤ I hope your life will be filled with loving and caring people only. From now out. 😊
Very best description of covert narc ive heard. Great channel!!
This is a powerful video, thank you 🙏. It is such a relief to have people who really understand, deeply, the horror of a mother like this. I have felt silly to "hope" that my mother was an overt narcissist but this validates that feeling of mine, among other things.
You nailed it!!!!!!! You are describing my life with my mother. Thank you Danish.
This is the most amazing explanation I have ever heard. I am glad I am not alone.
Thank you for explaining things so eloquently. It’s nice to know these experiences are shared. Though I wouldn’t wish it on anyone else. Praying for those dealing with this right now or processing the aftermath
Your analysis is about the most succinct description of my mother I've come across to date. Thank you.
Danish, thanks for ALL the videos. 🙏
I have been healing a lot since I discover your channel.
Even looked other channels but the way you talk and the examples speaking in first person is so easy to understand.
I also had a mother somewhat like yours and I'll be getting your courses.
You are a blessing! Thank you.
I literally said exactly what you said. He is super manipulative covert narc and I acoid them. They told a flat lie about me as a parent and 20 minutes gaslighted me and played victim.
Thank you sooo much Danish❤.🙏..i am suffering all this currently and decided to leave forever..this covert narcissist are more dangerous than anyone else