Woah - she just described a textbook narcissist - you NEVER show vulnerability with a narcissist as they will use it against you. I was married to one for a long time and any and every time I showed vulnerability he used it as a weapon in the future.
This man learned how to be abusive from his parents. You will not change him. He will not change. You need to leave him. And you can absolutely guarantee he will try to take your kids. Get an absolute shark of an attorney to plan leaving him.
She’s not judgmental at all… it’s a real possibility. That type of behavior can turn deadly. A push could kill someone and they are the type to all three bury her body
Google Susan Powell. They never found her body, her children years into the search were killed by her husband, he blew them up with a home made bomb. Women need to wake up to this abuse, get out, and stay out. @@boobbyjz
There is always hope, though. My dad used to be emotionally abusive to my mom and us kids.thryre in their 60s now he for about the last 7-10 years gotten so much better.
It’s infuriating when men still expect and force sex after they’ve been abusive. Wake up men, we DONT want you to even think about touching us after your evil treatment.
Agreed. Intimacy for women is emotional first then physical. If she is being abused emotionally then it’s extremely difficult to get intimate physical afterwards.
I used to work 2 jobs 7 days a week and do all of the cooking and cleaning and my husband would be like "how can you really be that tired? What do your do all day?" I think i just cried myself to sleep. It was obvious what i did all day. Some people are just trash.
This was just like me. I ended up having to bring my son early at 37 weeks bc I got so sick. I finally got the courage to divorce him and he has spent the past five years trying to take custody of our son. He is an Uber driver and lives in his parents basement at 50. I’m so glad I finally had the courage to leave.
Hard working wife a husband should always appreciate. My wife works only 20 hours a week, we have no kids , and then she plays video games on her phone or watches TV and then gets upset saying she has no time.
I don't understand why guys don't get that absolutely basic connection! Instead, they complain that their woman is cold or a fridge, etc, without realizing that if he had treated her like that while dating, she wouldn't have stuck around. It should be a no brainer.
He reminds me of people i grew up around. They saw drama in their homes constantly as children and so when they found a person who wasn’t arguing, drinking and creating drama or being hauled off to jail, they didn’t know how to act. They proceeded to create those conditions because the relationship felt bland or boring to their warped minds. Peace was so foreign to them that they thought it was wrong or weird.
You said it so incredibly well. I came to that realization when i had my first boyfriend and we didn't argue the same way. I got better pretty quickly thankfully but i realized i definitely got my issues from my parents would curse, scream and yell. Little did i know that wasnt necessary at all. Now I'm a great arguer because I'm great at keeping things calm and communicating. Thats much more my natural personality anyways! And it makes my relationships much more likely to succeed and be happier. I even help my parents with their arguments now.
So true. My x wanted to argue all the time about anything. I would tell him if you want to start arguing that's to bad because I'm not doing it and then he would get more angry. It was about something tiny and yes even the color blue.
Wait…how the Fuk did his PARENTS know about their sex life and worse have the audacity to bring it up…..Girl I hope you ran fast and hard away from these abusive people
Dr. Delony, please read this. First: I love your work and I admire you. BUT - I'm having a hard time listening to this call. For one thing, Dr. Delony recommended the couple go to counseling together. About a quarter of the way through the call, the wife said she and her husband went to therapy together and "even more forms of emotional abuse came out of it. She said "He used therapy against me." Knowing that this man punches holes in walls, I would not recommend couples therapy. I would recommend that the husband attend anger management counseling. I would also recommend that the wife seek individual counseling for PTSD. She said she was harmed in the past and now she is being harmed in the present. And there are children involved. The couple needs to separate to work on their own issues. If the husband can make amends to his wife and children, and demonstrate that he is able to build trust, then they can go to marriage counseling. Yes, I am a Licensed Professional Counselor. You called this one wrong (in my opinion). But I am still a huge fan and recommend your books to my clients.
@@shachede6828 At the end of the call he recommended couples counseling. I am a licensed professional counselor. I have a Master's Degree from the University of Illinois. But my credentials are not as important as my years of experience, which includes time spent working in a domestic violence shelter. I would not recommend couples counseling until this man completed anger management classes/counseling and was successfully discharged from the program. And the wife needs to be able to trust him before she feels safe enough to go to counseling with him.
@@shachede6828 if this wasn’t a licensed therapist you would’ve called that car too, it doesn’t matter how many PhD somebody has, other working professionals can have differing opinions
I was married for four years to an abusive man. I divorced him 40 years ago. I subsequently married an absolute prince of a man-a true gentleman. The point of this comment is to encourage those who suffer through abuse to forget about what is the matter with the spouse you divorced. It's better to figure out how you got yourself into the mess. What is there about YOU that allowed you to marry the abuser? I sought counseling for many months. I learned SO much about myself. Then when I met my husband, I was coming from a wiser, different perspective. GET help to figure out your own issues.
Piss off! Not every person who is abused needs to find out what’s wrong with them. Some abuse victims are in the military where they can’t easily get up and leave. Being owned by your unit gives NO options to leave! STOP with the bullsh!t of “what’s wrong with the victim”! Not all victims have a choice if they can leave. Not all people need to work on themselves! Piss off!!
I had to pause a laugh so hard when she said he called his parents and got involved. I couldn’t believe it was real. There are zero situations when you do that as a man. ZERO! A woman may call her father ONLY in the situation of abuse and she needs a strong human to make her safe as she gets her children out of the house and the relationship is over. Any other situation, I’m calling the police before my parents. INSANE!
@@vaska1999 and a volatile one at that, the escalation if she stays is bad, if she leaves it could be worse, so she needs to prep, and find a really good attorney skilled in this kinda abusive case, document the hell out of everything and then run like the wind with her kiddos to somewhere safe that can protect them from the aftermath.
I went through emotional abuse for over ten years. It was awful. This brought back so many memories. Very hard to listen to but also knowing I am not alone is sad too.
same. hard to listen to and to hear the advice that was so harmful to me and others like me. Also, good to hear my own response being so much wiser than back then. I've grown and healed enough to see clearly with others anyway.
People who scream (not just raise their voice) during arguments scare the crap out of me and I lose all respect for them as people. Cuz how can you scream at someone and you supposedly love that person? Not OK
Because that’s all we know. My mom would belittle me and lecture me for hours, if I didn’t scream I didn’t feel like I was heard. It’s not a choice I make it’s autopilot. I’m either silent or yelling, I’m trying to learn the in between
@@fish4souls3 This. My mother broke me in every way she could from a very young age. I was in a perpetual fright-fight response state. She would make her moves when nobody was watching and when I eventually exploded with frustration and hurt, she would bring in other people to make me look like the crazy one. These people are evil that is never going to change. The damage it does to you takes a long time and a lot of effort to heal. Run when you can and save yourself.
You need to get out of that situation and away from that family completely. I don't care how long you've been married. When your husband starts emotionally verbally abusing you It will only get worse, I've been down that road. Time waits for nobody. And you will regret staying wasting years with someone that did not treat you right. I was with my kid's father for 8 years. After we had kids things got so bad. He verbally, emotionally, and financially abused me for years. When I left, I had no money, no place to live, no job, and he tried to keep my car from me. I have 7 year old twins. It's been hell in back but at least I got out of that situation it will get worse if you stay. I guarantee that. My ex did the whole punching holes in walls, slamming doors, throwing things, yelling. It's gets worse longer you stay and put up with it. For me to get out of my situation with my kids. I had nobody to stay with.Because we literally had nothing in the 3D. As far as a place to live or anything, I had no family around. It was very, very scary and you will get back on your feet. I don't care what kind of counseling you and your husband are doing. That is a very bad example for your children. And that will leave long term damage to them. If you choose to stay you're not only putting yourself in harm's way but also your children . When a person starts abusing you disrespecting you like that. That means they no longer respect you You need to respect yourself and don't be in denial. I
Ain't that the truth. I got out of a d.v. relationship and my f**ked up mother said she could have handled him! Thanks mother. When I was missing the good parts that I really wanted, she said go back. How to tell your kid you don't really love them without saying it. Poor Sarah, I hope she has left.
yes. and it's way deeper than just unattracted, it's a visceral reaction and any attempt to push that aside is abandonment and ends up having a similar impact to SA.
Since the husband listens to the show, I hope he will get the help he needs and do the work needed in order to be well. I hope Sarah can heal from past trauma and also do the work necessary to be well too.
When he said,you walk away.And I'm worth having a conversation that is not belittling or abusive,the emotion in his voice brought me to tears.He really gets it!
I felt this in my soul..especially when I returned to work finally. We both worked, but I was the one coming home from work and immediately cooking, trying to keep up with cleaning, bathing, making sure the kids are bathing.., paired with financial infidelity, lies about p*rnography use, getting told we're financially struggling more now that I'm working, etc., and somehow I was supposed to have my p@nties drop whenever my partner wanted "it" and "care about his feelings only". 🤦🏼♀️✋️🤧🤧 There needs to be more discussion about this toxic stuff in marriages..
ABSOLUTELY.. when men treat women like doormats and servants, and emotionally abuse you, you shut down and why wouldn’t you?? Why would a female be attracted to someone that doesn’t treat her right and will abuse the kids eventually too..
Reminds me of a friend I used to have she was in this exact same type of situation, she’s always in my prayers ❤ I hope she’s happier than when we used to talk! Lord protect us from these shitty type of husbands/wives.
Great job John. You pointed both people to work on their own separate issues and if the BOTH do, they can go forward into something new. You can only go off of what the caller presents and yet you still managed to deal with each issue presented fairly. 😊
I'm trying to leave a 10 year relationship because I haven't felt safe in a long time. I work full time, have no kids, but have nowhere to go for now. At this point I'd rather be homeless.
U need ro leave before he impregnates u im telling u just go while u don't have children smh 10 years and he hasn't married u...what are u doing girl hurry up and go please 🙏🏽
@@EYExINxTHExLENSI did the same thing, I had no one to turn to for help . So at 8 months pregnant with a toddler on my hip I went to a homeless shelter. I would suggest doing the same. You can save up money because you have No rent while at the shelter and many shelters can help you find housing. I would suggest if you have a lot of things get a small storage unit and only take the things you really want and need. If I did it so can you 💗 it’s Not ideal but I’d do it all over again if I had to. In fact I wished that I did it sooner.
If he was just asking how her day was why would he make a point to say I need to ask you something, don’t get mad? We know what he was asking. Why aren’t the dishes done?
Everyone asking for his side and how you know the woman isn’t perfect. What do you guys want John to do??? He invited the other side to call in but until then he has to go off the side he’s getting. He even said “I would love to talk to him and get the other side because there always is.” Also, can we just all agree this guy is a total jerk based off what she said?
No we can’t all agree on that for the exact same reason that you shouldn’t take what a stranger on the inside of a private marriage tells you at face value. Especially when that person may have something to gain later from making her husband look bad. It’s like when married couples going through a divorce call the police on each other for everything and when the police tell them this is not a police issue, they still ask for a report number for their lawyer.
@@evanl889 I clearly said “based off what she said” Do you think it’s appropriate behavior from a man to yell/scream, slam doors, punch walls, and call his parents over a disagreement?
I like that he helps the caller work through this and to understand how both their trauma is also apart of this and how to be more empowered in the situation while also understanding the husband's issues.
Man...this guy is dangerous. Not safe to live with. Separation is necessary at a minimum until there's good reason to believe his violent behavior is over.
I don’t say this lightly, but she needs a divorce. Her children are learning the most disgusting behavior in regards to how one treats their wife. They are creating generational trauma that will affect their lives, their marriages, and likely any children they have. This woman is being abused. Abuse is not acceptable.
People don’t understand when you leave the abuse doesn’t stop. You are just no longer there to protect your kids and the courts don’t protect you or the kids either. No matter if you stay or go, the kids are witnessing it. It’s so incredibly tough for the abused parent.
@@char5801ABSOLUTELY.. they don’t realize the trauma and abuse that causes actual brain damage and PTSD.. she is the victim too!!!! This situation paralyzes you, and it doesn’t happen all at once.. it’s a slow progression. Horrific
@@char5801 BINGO! this! it's so important and so rarely discussed and given the weight it needs. protecting the kids isn't a leave and you're done check box. it's rife with pitfalls and fallout and tons of post separation abuse including one of the worst clinically speaking, parental alienation, which has no protections and very very little info, but enough research to make laws against it in one state, tho they are not enforced.
Yep I made the mistake of wasting years with a guy who constantly demanded sex. All the time. Every day non stop. It was ridiculous. I should have left a long long time ago. Finally retired from my state job and was home constantly and it was insane. Finally divorced him when I found out he had been cheating with not only women but also men--lots of them. Single now and it’s sooooo much more peaceful. I will remain single the rest of my life because it’s not worth it.
Yeah I feel so burnt by my own marriage, that I'll never trust another man to make me happy. I hate myself for not seeing the signs early on and not having enough self respect to tell myself I can find someone better.
This could have been my parents’ story except my grandfather would NEVER have screamed in my mother’s face and would have ripped my father a new one if he knew my father was emotionally abusing my mom. I’m now 40, my parents are 70 and it took a 5 year long affair on my father’s part that ended LAST YEAR, my mother finding out 4 years in, having a breakdown, losing so much weight her doctor was worried, having panic attacks, two years of constant back and forth (dad begging her to take him back, then lying to her face and mine about not continuing with the affair), divorce papers, lawyers, and finally my mother moving out for 6 months for him to go to counseling for real, get on antipsychotic medication, and get rid of the other woman and try to be better. Before that it was years of belittling my mother (and me) and that rage was always just sitting in his chest. Now he’s a shell of that but he takes his meds and doesn’t scream in my face or wave his fist or call my mother worthless etc. But it almost broke my mom and honestly I wish she had left years ago. They are roommates now, “friends” she says. They don’t sleep in the same bed and she won’t let him touch her. She doesn’t want to leave now because they are 70 (never went through with the divorce). Please think long and hard about what this looks like 20, 30, 40 years from now. Think if you want your adult children to have to threaten to call the police in their own home because their father is raging on them over ridiculousness. It’s not pretty.
THIS!!!!!! yes they will and the law won't protect the kids against that. and the detrimental effects of that are scientifically proven to be on par with SA and Incest.
This call brought out a lot of male narcs in the comments casting aspersions on the caller and trying to gaslight others (and her, in case she reads the comments). It's kind of disgusting.
Yes girl, I went through the exact situation with my ex husband. The only answer is to LEAVE! Even when it’s painful to do so. You must be brave enough to save yourself. Don’t listen to anyone from church or anyone encouraging you to stay and endure the abuse. They don’t understand the true situation. You must be fearless and go. On the other side, you’ll be so thankful you did. ❤ I remarried and my new husband has NEVER treated me like my ex husband. He’s been truly such a rainbow after the storm.
1: He's an abuser 2: His parents are abusers 3: His parents enable and encourage his abuse of you 4: This notion of "learning to be vulnerable " is BS! 5: You either trust or you don't 6: RUN!!!
He’s cheating with a co worker. Realized this before 2 mins in. How do people not see this?? Then his enabling parents come over and make it worse ? She needs to get out!
As someone who sought Domestic Violence help for more than a decade, we were told NOT to have joint counseling until the power and control issues are resolved. It is important for her to seek domestic violence counseling for herself and maybe her children. It is best to seek a counselor who specializes in Domestic Violence counseling as some counselors do not understand Domestic Violence.
🍂As always .. Good advice. May I add to this caller? Realistically .. One’s personal finances can be a deterrent to having the option to pack up three children and leave. Also, I didn’t hear you mention the age of your children. I assumed they were young. Children are like sponges. They “are” taking this all in. The behaviors they are witnessing by their parents are/will effect them. If “not inward” .. than in acting out behaviors. Is it possible to have a “plan in place” ahead of time with a friend/s or family members. Children feel powerless to witnessing their dad kick a door or punch a hole in a wall. Not to mention the shouting and verbal abuse they are witnessing. If you don’t have the strength to do it for yourself .. as their Mother .. please dig deep in your soul. Find that inner strength for your babies you brought into this world. I felt your pain. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Please keep us updated with Dr John. I’ll listen for you. We care.
Feeling safe is the biggest aphrodisiac for women. This might be 10 fold with a women who has suffered sexual abuse. I think she needs to gather strength and leave asap.
What happened in February that set this clown off? Did he start an affair? What is going on here? Sarah, honey - get you and your kids to safety, whatever that means. Oh, and the whole parents episode?!? Oh, HELL, NO.
I grew up in a household filled with rage and abuse. It always hurt knowing that my mom chose her own “financial security” over the wellbeing and safety of her children. Please protect your children and yourself if you are in this situation. It is so much better to be alone then to have a husband and in-laws like this.
She asked how could she be more vulnerable with her abusive husband. Sadly people like her think that groveling will make someone like them/love them. He learned this behavior from his parents. Get those children away from him or they will turn out exactly like him. I don't think she will leave him.
He will never change, but she will be destroyed and end up a shell of the person she is or worse; that is his goal. There is no saving him. Marriage counseling is actually dangerous for her and her children with this level of abuser because it will be used against her. There is no working things out with this guy. See a counselor, a lawyer, an abuse center and start to make a secret exit plan. I’m not kidding here but rather speaking from experience.
Sarah - I am sorry you experienced this from your in-laws and husband! The in-laws set the bar and it will escalate. They should not set one foot in your home until they apologize. Pack a go bag Sarah with your own personal credit card, cash, clothes, toiletries, and spare set of car keys etc. When it gets bad again you can get up and leave. Keep going to therapy 🙏🏼.
My ex husband would tell me he’d let things go, be nice and move on. Well each time, it would last maybe a month, two if I was lucky. He wouldn’t go to individual and marriage counseling either.
She can't be vulnerable with him. His actions show he doesn't value her. His default is guilt tripping her or throwing her under the bus with his family. She simply can't row that boat alone, and she doesn't owe him her vulnerability after all his actions. She is better off moving on from that situation. I heard Mel Robbins recently say 'If you're often finding yourself being the bigger person, you should probably move on from the little people around you.' This woman deserves peace and respect, and I hope she finds it.
This lady is so very naive. He is abusive and she’s wondering how she can be more vulnerable with him? How about just worry about the safety of you and your kids. The next time he punches something, it might be your face instead of a hole in the wall. His anger is off the charts and John is talking about them building something new. Hello??? 😳 I’m concerned with how much he would encourage someone to put up with. When he asked if she was done and she basically said yes… John should have said, ok then!
Why is john not telling her to get the heck out of there? I know he doesn’t like to necessarily tell people what to do and encourages them to stay together, but geez, this is one of those rare cases where you tell her run and run fast! His whole family is abusive and their kids are going to be all screwed up!
![[LIVE] : ONE ลุมพินี 83 วันนี้!! คู่เอก "พันฤทธิ์ vs ซุปเปอร์บอล วันของโอม MBK"](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/1b4pkKHa_Fk/mqdefault.jpg)
These are the kind of parents who will help their son hide the body when he kills his wife. Scary scary scary. Get out of there Sarah!!
Exactly!
Yep disgusting like Gabbie petito so many cases
Yep, one name comes to mind, Gabby Petito.
@@HeyYou80855that hit. I'd forgotten that poor girl. I hope his mom and dad pay for what they did to her parents.
You hit the nail on the head!!!
Woah - she just described a textbook narcissist - you NEVER show vulnerability with a narcissist as they will use it against you. I was married to one for a long time and any and every time I showed vulnerability he used it as a weapon in the future.
They Absolutely do !!!
So freeking true
Everyone is a narcissist nowadays
@@Joe-iq1bu true we all have at least one narcissist trait which says a lot. Not good.
This man learned how to be abusive from his parents. You will not change him. He will not change. You need to leave him. And you can absolutely guarantee he will try to take your kids. Get an absolute shark of an attorney to plan leaving him.
Exactly.
And don’t reveal your cards to premature one never knows how they 😢will react.
You can't make yourself feel attraction to someone who belittles you and doesn't make you feel loved and safe
Why would you call in and ask how you can become more vulnerable? Are you kidding? Get out of this marriage before they kill you.
Judgemental much?
She’s not judgmental at all… it’s a real possibility. That type of behavior can turn deadly. A push could kill someone and they are the type to all three bury her body
Google Susan Powell. They never found her body, her children years into the search were killed by her husband, he blew them up with a home made bomb. Women need to wake up to this abuse, get out, and stay out. @@boobbyjz
There is always hope, though. My dad used to be emotionally abusive to my mom and us kids.thryre in their 60s now he for about the last 7-10 years gotten so much better.
Great stuff!
She doesn’t want physical intimacy with her husband because she doesn’t feel safe.
Bingo
It’s infuriating when men still expect and force sex after they’ve been abusive. Wake up men, we DONT want you to even think about touching us after your evil treatment.
Who would?
Facts.
Agreed. Intimacy for women is emotional first then physical. If she is being abused emotionally then it’s extremely difficult to get intimate physical afterwards.
"After months of emotional abuse from my husband, how can I learn to be vulnerable with him?" IS THE POSTER TAG LINE FOR DOMESTIC ABUSE.
exactly, trauma bond!
And the quote on the poster “Have you seen this woman?” Because she is gonna come up missing
I used to work 2 jobs 7 days a week and do all of the cooking and cleaning and my husband would be like "how can you really be that tired? What do your do all day?" I think i just cried myself to sleep. It was obvious what i did all day. Some people are just trash.
This was just like me. I ended up having to bring my son early at 37 weeks bc I got so sick. I finally got the courage to divorce him and he has spent the past five years trying to take custody of our son. He is an Uber driver and lives in his parents basement at 50. I’m so glad I finally had the courage to leave.
Hope you divorced. You deserve better
Mica Millers rich pastor husband made her work and pay for everything her car insurance then stole her car she’s now dead
My daughter, goes through this too, and it gets me so nervous
Hard working wife a husband should always appreciate. My wife works only 20 hours a week, we have no kids , and then she plays video games on her phone or watches TV and then gets upset saying she has no time.
That entire family is abusing this woman. She needs to leave him.
i would have called the police on the freaks. good god
I stopped being attracted to my husband when he started treating me like trash.
Emmmm, real.
I don't understand why guys don't get that absolutely basic connection! Instead, they complain that their woman is cold or a fridge, etc, without realizing that if he had treated her like that while dating, she wouldn't have stuck around. It should be a no brainer.
What did you do? No accountability on your part at all ? All his fault. Typical lie
@@truthreigns3465I’m sorry you had a bitter divorce
@@truthreigns3465 Running away from truth, aren't you, sweetie.
He reminds me of people i grew up around. They saw drama in their homes constantly as children and so when they found a person who wasn’t arguing, drinking and creating drama or being hauled off to jail, they didn’t know how to act. They proceeded to create those conditions because the relationship felt bland or boring to their warped minds. Peace was so foreign to them that they thought it was wrong or weird.
I know those ways
You said it so incredibly well. I came to that realization when i had my first boyfriend and we didn't argue the same way. I got better pretty quickly thankfully but i realized i definitely got my issues from my parents would curse, scream and yell. Little did i know that wasnt necessary at all. Now I'm a great arguer because I'm great at keeping things calm and communicating. Thats much more my natural personality anyways! And it makes my relationships much more likely to succeed and be happier. I even help my parents with their arguments now.
That's me sadly 😥
So true. My x wanted to argue all the time about anything. I would tell him if you want to start arguing that's to bad because I'm not doing it and then he would get more angry. It was about something tiny and yes even the color blue.
YES
There are around 10% people psychopaths, sociopaths and pathological narcissists. They have no empathy.
Four words: Run like the wind.
I totally agree! Wow! His parents came into your marriage and abused you as well?! RUN!
Physical abuse from the parents, emotional abuse and abandonment from the husband…why is she staying again?
Kids
That's great. Expose children to this mess.
Most women are pickmes. I advocate for all women to be more selfish because being a doormat seems to be in their nature and I just fathom it
Doesn’t want to be single, like most people.
You gotta remember cognitive dissonance trauma bonding fear he’s gonna hurt the kids ect.
Wait…how the Fuk did his PARENTS know about their sex life and worse have the audacity to bring it up…..Girl I hope you ran fast and hard away from these abusive people
She said: it came up in the conversation. When wild conversations are happening wild things come up when they shouldn't.
@bufficliff8978 I wonder if he brought it up to furthur condemn and shame her in front of her parents 😳 just speculating
Don’t let your guard down with these people!
I think she knows she needs to get out but needed validation from someone.
Yeah. Those are kids that went through HELL when young and had to justify horrific behaviors to stay safe.
Dr. Delony, please read this. First: I love your work and I admire you. BUT - I'm having a hard time listening to this call. For one thing, Dr. Delony recommended the couple go to counseling together. About a quarter of the way through the call, the wife said she and her husband went to therapy together and "even more forms of emotional abuse came out of it. She said "He used therapy against me." Knowing that this man punches holes in walls, I would not recommend couples therapy. I would recommend that the husband attend anger management counseling. I would also recommend that the wife seek individual counseling for PTSD. She said she was harmed in the past and now she is being harmed in the present. And there are children involved. The couple needs to separate to work on their own issues. If the husband can make amends to his wife and children, and demonstrate that he is able to build trust, then they can go to marriage counseling. Yes, I am a Licensed Professional Counselor. You called this one wrong (in my opinion). But I am still a huge fan and recommend your books to my clients.
Are you a psychologist? And do you have a PhD in this field? He told to go seek her personal healing and told her to get her space
@@shachede6828 At the end of the call he recommended couples counseling. I am a licensed professional counselor. I have a Master's Degree from the University of Illinois. But my credentials are not as important as my years of experience, which includes time spent working in a domestic violence shelter. I would not recommend couples counseling until this man completed anger management classes/counseling and was successfully discharged from the program. And the wife needs to be able to trust him before she feels safe enough to go to counseling with him.
@@shachede6828😊o
@@shachede6828 if this wasn’t a licensed therapist you would’ve called that car too, it doesn’t matter how many PhD somebody has, other working professionals can have differing opinions
You hit the nail on the head
I was married for four years to an abusive man. I divorced him 40 years ago. I subsequently married an absolute prince of a man-a true gentleman. The point of this comment is to encourage those who suffer through abuse to forget about what is the matter with the spouse you divorced. It's better to figure out how you got yourself into the mess. What is there about YOU that allowed you to marry the abuser? I sought counseling for many months. I learned SO much about myself. Then when I met my husband, I was coming from a wiser, different perspective. GET help to figure out your own issues.
Piss off! Not every person who is abused needs to find out what’s wrong with them. Some abuse victims are in the military where they can’t easily get up and leave. Being owned by your unit gives NO options to leave! STOP with the bullsh!t of “what’s wrong with the victim”! Not all victims have a choice if they can leave. Not all people need to work on themselves! Piss off!!
@@bluetickbeagles116
Lmao.
A lot of victims don’t have issues besides being abused
Thank you. I am gonna head towards this path exactly. I want to understand why I tolerate it.
Thats incorrect. The victims arsnt at fault BUT they did allow it. @Pepperfam
Lordy, divorce the whole freakin family, they’re unhinged 😳😳
I had to pause a laugh so hard when she said he called his parents and got involved. I couldn’t believe it was real. There are zero situations when you do that as a man. ZERO! A woman may call her father ONLY in the situation of abuse and she needs a strong human to make her safe as she gets her children out of the house and the relationship is over. Any other situation, I’m calling the police before my parents. INSANE!
He's a textbook narcissist and they're his flying monkeys. This woman needs to run!
@@vaska1999 and a volatile one at that, the escalation if she stays is bad, if she leaves it could be worse, so she needs to prep, and find a really good attorney skilled in this kinda abusive case, document the hell out of everything and then run like the wind with her kiddos to somewhere safe that can protect them from the aftermath.
I'm shocked that I allowed behavior like this in my marriage for decades, never mind months.
Agreed.
Same
Sounds like you’re married to a narcissist, from a very toxic family. Leave him. You deserve peace and emotional safety and loyalty. He ain’t it.
I went through emotional abuse for over ten years. It was awful. This brought back so many memories. Very hard to listen to but also knowing I am not alone is sad too.
same. hard to listen to and to hear the advice that was so harmful to me and others like me. Also, good to hear my own response being so much wiser than back then. I've grown and healed enough to see clearly with others anyway.
People who scream (not just raise their voice) during arguments scare the crap out of me and I lose all respect for them as people. Cuz how can you scream at someone and you supposedly love that person? Not OK
Because that’s all we know. My mom would belittle me and lecture me for hours, if I didn’t scream I didn’t feel like I was heard. It’s not a choice I make it’s autopilot. I’m either silent or yelling, I’m trying to learn the in between
@@fish4souls3 This. My mother broke me in every way she could from a very young age. I was in a perpetual fright-fight response state. She would make her moves when nobody was watching and when I eventually exploded with frustration and hurt, she would bring in other people to make me look like the crazy one. These people are evil that is never going to change. The damage it does to you takes a long time and a lot of effort to heal. Run when you can and save yourself.
Have you never had a fight? That's what fights are!
@@ElimEx1 I've had plenty of fights, but we don't scream and curse at each other when we do them
@@orangesplaylist Then those are not fights. You're barely disagreeing. lol
You need to get out of that situation and away from that family completely. I don't care how long you've been married. When your husband starts emotionally verbally abusing you It will only get worse, I've been down that road. Time waits for nobody. And you will regret staying wasting years with someone that did not treat you right. I was with my kid's father for 8 years. After we had kids things got so bad. He verbally, emotionally, and financially abused me for years. When I left, I had no money, no place to live, no job, and he tried to keep my car from me. I have 7 year old twins. It's been hell in back but at least I got out of that situation it will get worse if you stay. I guarantee that. My ex did the whole punching holes in walls, slamming doors, throwing things, yelling. It's gets worse longer you stay and put up with it. For me to get out of my situation with my kids. I had nobody to stay with.Because we literally had nothing in the 3D. As far as a place to live or anything, I had no family around. It was very, very scary and you will get back on your feet. I don't care what kind of counseling you and your husband are doing. That is a very bad example for your children. And that will leave long term damage to them. If you choose to stay you're not only putting yourself in harm's way but also your children .
When a person starts abusing you disrespecting you like that. That means they no longer respect you You need to respect yourself and don't be in denial. I
Yeeesss 👏🏽 💯
DV shelters are perfect for that if you have nowhere to go. I hope you are doing well
She’s done. She knows.
I think she needed reassurance.
Run Sarah Run!
Ain't that the truth. I got out of a d.v. relationship and my f**ked up mother said she could have handled him! Thanks mother. When I was missing the good parts that I really wanted, she said go back. How to tell your kid you don't really love them without saying it. Poor Sarah, I hope she has left.
Being unattracted to someone who does not make you feel safe with them or in your home is so real.
yes. and it's way deeper than just unattracted, it's a visceral reaction and any attempt to push that aside is abandonment and ends up having a similar impact to SA.
Since the husband listens to the show, I hope he will get the help he needs and do the work needed in order to be well. I hope Sarah can heal from past trauma and also do the work necessary to be well too.
You will pay a huge price if you remain in this relationship.
Yup.. its only going to get worse from here, divorce is at their door knocking and she's going to answer.
But she can fix him 😩
I agree fully.
@@Ryan-wx1bi don’t they all think that?
De J never addresses these women that they are financially dependent.
Fear kills love
When he said,you walk away.And I'm worth having a conversation that is not belittling or abusive,the emotion in his voice brought me to tears.He really gets it!
I felt this in my soul..especially when I returned to work finally. We both worked, but I was the one coming home from work and immediately cooking, trying to keep up with cleaning, bathing, making sure the kids are bathing.., paired with financial infidelity, lies about p*rnography use, getting told we're financially struggling more now that I'm working, etc., and somehow I was supposed to have my p@nties drop whenever my partner wanted "it" and "care about his feelings only". 🤦🏼♀️✋️🤧🤧 There needs to be more discussion about this toxic stuff in marriages..
ABSOLUTELY.. when men treat women like doormats and servants, and emotionally abuse you, you shut down and why wouldn’t you?? Why would a female be attracted to someone that doesn’t treat her right and will abuse the kids eventually too..
Reminds me of a friend I used to have she was in this exact same type of situation, she’s always in my prayers ❤ I hope she’s happier than when we used to talk! Lord protect us from these shitty type of husbands/wives.
Great job John. You pointed both people to work on their own separate issues and if the BOTH do, they can go forward into something new.
You can only go off of what the caller presents and yet you still managed to deal with each issue presented fairly. 😊
I'm trying to leave a 10 year relationship because I haven't felt safe in a long time. I work full time, have no kids, but have nowhere to go for now. At this point I'd rather be homeless.
Try to save some money with a friend or your side of relative
@@cdorothy444 I would, but my father lives with my elderly grandparents. My mom wasn't in my life, so no option there either, sadly.
U need ro leave before he impregnates u im telling u just go while u don't have children smh 10 years and he hasn't married u...what are u doing girl hurry up and go please 🙏🏽
Im sitting with you in my heart… on my small back patio… i hear you “eyes” and i see you. 😢 please hold on.
@@EYExINxTHExLENSI did the same thing, I had no one to turn to for help . So at 8 months pregnant with a toddler on my hip I went to a homeless shelter. I would suggest doing the same. You can save up money because you have No rent while at the shelter and many shelters can help you find housing. I would suggest if you have a lot of things get a small storage unit and only take the things you really want and need. If I did it so can you 💗 it’s Not ideal but I’d do it all over again if I had to. In fact I wished that I did it sooner.
He didn't want you to go. He's looking for an out! Run 🏃♀️.
That's exactly what I got from this. He wants an out and he wants to blame her. This could be dangerous!
If he was just asking how her day was why would he make a point to say I need to ask you something, don’t get mad? We know what he was asking. Why aren’t the dishes done?
Yeah, because the child of a man doesn’t know how to wash dishes. SMH!🤦♀️
This is all par for the course when you marry a narcissist. I hope she has some support to leave him
Everyone asking for his side and how you know the woman isn’t perfect. What do you guys want John to do??? He invited the other side to call in but until then he has to go off the side he’s getting. He even said “I would love to talk to him and get the other side because there always is.” Also, can we just all agree this guy is a total jerk based off what she said?
Well, all guys are jerks based on what women say. 😅😅😅
Agree 100% 🎯
No we can’t all agree on that for the exact same reason that you shouldn’t take what a stranger on the inside of a private marriage tells you at face value. Especially when that person may have something to gain later from making her husband look bad. It’s like when married couples going through a divorce call the police on each other for everything and when the police tell them this is not a police issue, they still ask for a report number for their lawyer.
@@evanl889 I clearly said “based off what she said” Do you think it’s appropriate behavior from a man to yell/scream, slam doors, punch walls, and call his parents over a disagreement?
@@flashthecorgi2053 exactly, call his parents to further abuse her.
I like that he helps the caller work through this and to understand how both their trauma is also apart of this and how to be more empowered in the situation while also understanding the husband's issues.
Calling reenforcements and forming teams is one of my relationship hard nos.
Abusive psychos always trick the sweetest people to marry them. This poor sweet woman.
My current “partner” is one who was reportedly married to “the nicest woman in the world”
Man...this guy is dangerous. Not safe to live with. Separation is necessary at a minimum until there's good reason to believe his violent behavior is over.
I don’t say this lightly, but she needs a divorce. Her children are learning the most disgusting behavior in regards to how one treats their wife. They are creating generational trauma that will affect their lives, their marriages, and likely any children they have. This woman is being abused. Abuse is not acceptable.
People don’t understand when you leave the abuse doesn’t stop. You are just no longer there to protect your kids and the courts don’t protect you or the kids either. No matter if you stay or go, the kids are witnessing it. It’s so incredibly tough for the abused parent.
@@char5801ABSOLUTELY.. they don’t realize the trauma and abuse that causes actual brain damage and PTSD.. she is the victim too!!!! This situation paralyzes you, and it doesn’t happen all at once.. it’s a slow progression. Horrific
@@char5801 BINGO! this! it's so important and so rarely discussed and given the weight it needs. protecting the kids isn't a leave and you're done check box. it's rife with pitfalls and fallout and tons of post separation abuse including one of the worst clinically speaking, parental alienation, which has no protections and very very little info, but enough research to make laws against it in one state, tho they are not enforced.
Exactly
She needs to run. Take the kids and run
RUN LIKE YOU'RE ON FIRE 🔥
Yep I made the mistake of wasting years with a guy who constantly demanded sex. All the time. Every day non stop. It was ridiculous.
I should have left a long long time ago. Finally retired from my state job and was home constantly and it was insane. Finally divorced him when I found out he had been cheating with not only women but also men--lots of them.
Single now and it’s sooooo much more peaceful. I will remain single the rest of my life because it’s not worth it.
@@seanking1775 - Why you gotta be all judgey like that? We all friends telling our story here to be helpful to each other.
Yeah I feel so burnt by my own marriage, that I'll never trust another man to make me happy. I hate myself for not seeing the signs early on and not having enough self respect to tell myself I can find someone better.
@@liliumjade I feel exactly the same way !
This could have been my parents’ story except my grandfather would NEVER have screamed in my mother’s face and would have ripped my father a new one if he knew my father was emotionally abusing my mom. I’m now 40, my parents are 70 and it took a 5 year long affair on my father’s part that ended LAST YEAR, my mother finding out 4 years in, having a breakdown, losing so much weight her doctor was worried, having panic attacks, two years of constant back and forth (dad begging her to take him back, then lying to her face and mine about not continuing with the affair), divorce papers, lawyers, and finally my mother moving out for 6 months for him to go to counseling for real, get on antipsychotic medication, and get rid of the other woman and try to be better. Before that it was years of belittling my mother (and me) and that rage was always just sitting in his chest. Now he’s a shell of that but he takes his meds and doesn’t scream in my face or wave his fist or call my mother worthless etc. But it almost broke my mom and honestly I wish she had left years ago. They are roommates now, “friends” she says. They don’t sleep in the same bed and she won’t let him touch her. She doesn’t want to leave now because they are 70 (never went through with the divorce). Please think long and hard about what this looks like 20, 30, 40 years from now. Think if you want your adult children to have to threaten to call the police in their own home because their father is raging on them over ridiculousness. It’s not pretty.
This
💯
She needs these things documented so they don't have access to the kids. These people will do everything to turn them against her
THIS!!!!!! yes they will and the law won't protect the kids against that. and the detrimental effects of that are scientifically proven to be on par with SA and Incest.
This call brought out a lot of male narcs in the comments casting aspersions on the caller and trying to gaslight others (and her, in case she reads the comments). It's kind of disgusting.
Her difficulty with physical intimacy is discussed with HIS PARENTS 😱
Mommy daddy! SHE WONT PLAY WITH MY PEEPEE!!!! Thats what Imagined he said to them...
Yes girl, I went through the exact situation with my ex husband. The only answer is to LEAVE! Even when it’s painful to do so. You must be brave enough to save yourself. Don’t listen to anyone from church or anyone encouraging you to stay and endure the abuse. They don’t understand the true situation. You must be fearless and go.
On the other side, you’ll be so thankful you did. ❤ I remarried and my new husband has NEVER treated me like my ex husband. He’s been truly such a rainbow after the storm.
Lady run🏃🏼♀️🏃🏼♀️🏃🏼♀️ . Please run.
Good Lord. Leave this mama’s boy.
1: He's an abuser
2: His parents are abusers
3: His parents enable and encourage his abuse of you
4: This notion of "learning to be vulnerable " is BS!
5: You either trust or you don't
6: RUN!!!
This right here. Narc abuser.
I went thru it for years til I decided to do something about it.
He’s cheating with a co worker. Realized this before 2 mins in. How do people not see this?? Then his enabling parents come over and make it worse ? She needs to get out!
John, again I'm impressed by what you know and how you apply it
As someone who sought Domestic Violence help for more than a decade, we were told NOT to have joint counseling until the power and control issues are resolved. It is important for her to seek domestic violence counseling for herself and maybe her children. It is best to seek a counselor who specializes in Domestic Violence counseling as some counselors do not understand Domestic Violence.
🍂As always .. Good advice.
May I add to this caller? Realistically .. One’s personal finances can be a deterrent to having the option to pack up three children and leave. Also, I didn’t hear you mention the age of your children. I assumed they were young. Children are like sponges. They “are” taking this all in. The behaviors they are witnessing by their parents are/will effect them. If “not inward” .. than in acting out behaviors. Is it possible to have a “plan in place” ahead of time with a friend/s or family members.
Children feel powerless to witnessing their dad kick a door or punch a hole in a wall. Not to mention the shouting and verbal abuse they are witnessing. If you don’t have the strength to do it for yourself .. as their Mother .. please dig deep in your soul. Find that inner strength for your babies you brought into this world.
I felt your pain. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Please keep us updated with Dr John.
I’ll listen for you. We care.
That is a family of narcs. Runnn!!!!
What happen before February ? All this didn't just happened at once Sarah
Dr. John is great
Run ,Run for Real . Take it from some one who knows all too well.
Feeling safe is the biggest aphrodisiac for women. This might be 10 fold with a women who has suffered sexual abuse. I think she needs to gather strength and leave asap.
My mother in law is like this, but I'll never see her or talk to her again.
Good on you!!
Run, Sis, Run!
What happened in February that set this clown off? Did he start an affair? What is going on here? Sarah, honey - get you and your kids to safety, whatever that means.
Oh, and the whole parents episode?!? Oh, HELL, NO.
The dishes in the simk thing is so real. Ive started to understand that it has nothing to do with the dishes and everything to do with control.
Oh, yeah. Not talking to you it's his power. Stone Walling. You deserve better Sara, you are enough! ❤
MOST of your patients just NEED TO GROW UP!!!!!!
I grew up in a household filled with rage and abuse.
It always hurt knowing that my mom chose her own “financial security” over the wellbeing and safety of her children. Please protect your children and yourself if you are in this situation. It is so much better to be alone then to have a husband and in-laws like this.
I don't understand how people get into these situations 😒
Finances play a big part. A lot of these women do not work or make enough income alone to satisfy their living standards.
Study narcissist, trauma bond, gaslighting etc.....
She needs to become independent. Therapy, education, and get out plan. Its tough for the abused mom to get out even for a few days.
She asked how could she be more vulnerable with her abusive husband. Sadly people like her think that groveling will make someone like them/love them. He learned this behavior from his parents. Get those children away from him or they will turn out exactly like him. I don't think she will leave him.
“If I tell me promise you won’t get mad” is something my 9 year old says…
Run Sarah RUN FAR AND RUN FAST with your kids!!
Run to life to live, run to safety, run to liberty.
Narcissism anyone?
Counseling doesn’t do an extreme narcissist any good if they lie their way through it.
Very good talks bro
He will never change, but she will be destroyed and end up a shell of the person she is or worse; that is his goal. There is no saving him. Marriage counseling is actually dangerous for her and her children with this level of abuser because it will be used against her. There is no working things out with this guy. See a counselor, a lawyer, an abuse center and start to make a secret exit plan. I’m not kidding here but rather speaking from experience.
Sarah - I am sorry you experienced this from your in-laws and husband! The in-laws set the bar and it will escalate. They should not set one foot in your home until they apologize. Pack a go bag Sarah with your own personal credit card, cash, clothes, toiletries, and spare set of car keys etc. When it gets bad again you can get up and leave. Keep going to therapy 🙏🏼.
My ex husband would tell me he’d let things go, be nice and move on.
Well each time, it would last maybe a month, two if I was lucky.
He wouldn’t go to individual and marriage counseling either.
What bullies! Hope this lady can find some peace she sounds in desperate need of it.
She can't be vulnerable with him. His actions show he doesn't value her. His default is guilt tripping her or throwing her under the bus with his family. She simply can't row that boat alone, and she doesn't owe him her vulnerability after all his actions. She is better off moving on from that situation. I heard Mel Robbins recently say 'If you're often finding yourself being the bigger person, you should probably move on from the little people around you.' This woman deserves peace and respect, and I hope she finds it.
The Christ Watts story please be careful of your husband ,please walk away clean if he is not going to change .
The love language of physical touch is not about having sex, but it is to this husband.
Leave him, she is not safe in that house. His job is to love her and keep her safe.
Ive been abused in every way for over a decade. Now Im alone.
This was so helpful to me, thank you!
I know I'm very late to hearing/seeing this - But I hope she RAN from this man. This is so abusive. It will be violent.
Really wish John would start bringing on both parties. Would like to hear his side of it.
I would like to see follow ups on some of the calls to find out what happened!
Why they just gonna lie about it anyways smh
The biggest issue here is that they are modeling adult relationship behaviour and communication to their kids.
Childish behavior! His parents attacked you. Get to safety
Run for the woods Gurl!!
Leave. Don’t look back!
This lady is so very naive. He is abusive and she’s wondering how she can be more vulnerable with him? How about just worry about the safety of you and your kids. The next time he punches something, it might be your face instead of a hole in the wall. His anger is off the charts and John is talking about them building something new. Hello??? 😳 I’m concerned with how much he would encourage someone to put up with. When he asked if she was done and she basically said yes… John should have said, ok then!
Why is john not telling her to get the heck out of there? I know he doesn’t like to necessarily tell people what to do and encourages them to stay together, but geez, this is one of those rare cases where you tell her run and run fast!
His whole family is abusive and their kids are going to be all screwed up!
Holy cow this is not fixable run for your life!