Ep. 41 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 25 พ.ย. 2024
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Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer start off this episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave by discussing how Bert's perfected day drinking. They discuss their current favorite reality shows, and Tom shares a cool video of an Ed Asner look-a-like with Bert. They give an update about their podcast with Warren Sapp, discuss the Ellen DeGeneres controversy, as well as their favorite Snoop Dogg hairstyles. They also play a game in which they decide which of the world's richest women they'd date.
yourmomshousepo...
www.merchmethod...
/ yourmomshousepodcast
/ yourmomshousepodcast
Tom looking directly into the camera when Bert says something completely moronic gives me life.
THIS!
You too? When he purses his lips
Reminds me of john krasinski in the office😂😂
@@codystewart1682 only less gay and repititive
Why is bart on here so much
In this episode, you'll hear Brett tell the beginning of 38 stories, and complete two of them. Tom is also in this episode.
He is?? I coulda sworn it was just Bert
Tony
Its Tony damnit
🤣 I do the same thing, start stories and branch off into a million directions where few stories ever get fully told the first time around.
Bert must have a difficult time writing his jokes for stand up, taking to account he actually has to end each story before going to another.
Bret literally just spews out words. Nothing makes sense, nothing is backed up, nothing is linear. I love it.
On the intro music when he says: "This is gonna be a shitshow, everyone is gonna hate us".... Most informational intro of all time.
We all do, we signed up for this weekly madness and I never want it to quit
Guide to how sure Bert is on any given subject:
"A HUNDRED PERCENT" -
Are we all ignoring that Bret pronounced Ben affleck as binaffLECK
THANK YOU
Old news
I will only pronounce it this way from now on
I read this comment before hearing it thinking “it can’t be that bad”..... nope. BinaffLECK was 100 percent accurate.
He pronounces a bunch of things weird. Pretty sure he does it on purpose for attention.
Bert would drop more names if he could remember them all
Booze brain
Time stamp?
Wait till he starts listing of breeds of dogs
Brett
@@bryce7891: 5:28 (Joe Rogan) --- 1:14:48 ("OK, I think we're done!")
Make no mistake, I watch this for the same reason people watch Love on the Spectrum
💯💯💯😂
Pin this shit nadev lmao
🤣🤣
Literally
Awwe shhiiiit!
The show needs to be called "Wa'Sappinin with Tony and Brett"
Damn this is good
I LOVE the way Tom looks at the camera when Bret says sum stupid..
Tom's neck must be sore after this episode.
That's the entire premise of this show. Bert says something borderline racist/stupid....Tom gives us a Jim Halpert at the camera.
I love berts interviewing strategy, he asks a question but answers it himself first
Bert “I have no information about this but here’s my opinion” Kreisher
Bert Kreisher? No, I think you meant to say Burnt Krouton
* brett
yea he really took off on a rant.
“That’s what I feel like it is, even though I don’t what it is.” Dumb shit Krystals
hey buddy this is YMH not JRE. you gotta feather it. WE do METH not DMT
Brb, getting a Paraguard for my dog so Bert doesn’t impregnate it.
For safety
Now just need something stop his horrible odor
That's like just announcing to the world your dog doesnt mind loads all in her...I feel like there may be a line I crossed there, just quoting Bret
Perroguard
Does any one remember the episode Tom told the Russian pornstars story ?
Bert needs to start a dog birth control company: Perroguard
Or something like bitchguard?
Wow I know just enough Spanish to get how fucking underrated this comment it
Comment of the year winner
keep feathing it brother
Dog to Bert: "You can come in me!"
“Remind me to tell you about my vacation”, never thinks about it again 😂
For as much as Bert says he loves his wife. He spends an awful lot of time looking for her replacement. Lmfao.
For real. I'm a broke 30 year old but I'll take her, she's cool as hell, haha.
Just poured my Kool-Aid into my half gallon flask let’s get this party started!
And best of all, it’s red!
Name checks out
If Berts wife leaves him, at least he could still be on “love on the spectrum Indian edition “
Brett would do great on that show
Totally off topic, but this comment made me think of Ben Shapiro.
When*
When*
Does any one remember the episode Tom told the Russian pornstars story?
Bert “I’ve perfected my day drinking” Kreischer
Does any one remember the episode Tom told the Russian pornstars story ?
Stinky PetE nah nobodies gonna remember because you decided to write it as a reply instead of a normal comment lol
jeremy gemar 😂
@@stinkypete2771 episode 21
MIKE BARRAZA JR If ur right your the FUCKING MAN
"My liver has paid for this house!"
- Bert Kriescher, 2020
It certainly wasn't his jokes or ability to concentrate.
thats fucking funny
Even best friend Tom says: "Alright, I think we're done!" 1:14:48
You know it's bad when Tom has to save Bret from himself instead of leading him down a dark path
@@Stealth1919 : 45:40 - Bert: "I had a female boss who hated me...
Bert: "I wonder if I could call her."
Tom: "Yes. Do it. That's a good idea. Do it."
Bert: "No... it's a bad idea."
Tom: "No it's not. Do it. Do it."
The way Brent says “Affleck” makes me wish Tom would take him out like he did with that Barista
Or when he corrected the way he says "Nightmeere" 😄
sclogon55 or Ashton Kutcher 🤬
@@tylerhutchinson3984 😄
I'll bet his teenage daughters hate it too. But even they realize he does it to drive dummies crazy.
My Monday doesn’t start until this podcast gets released
that n wednesdays
Bad Friends then over to 2 Bears, am I right ?
Brett looks like a Yugoslavian hotdog eating champion who buys his his groceries from gas stations
That’s way to accurate xD
Perfect, you nailed it
It’s a “treat”... if you follow Bert’s IG stories you see that his whole life is an endless stream of treats.
Living his best life 😎
@@Barbievel bert is the machine remember.🤣
@@gtrriffs nobody cared about that story
Reminds me of one Erik "Erock, The Sex Bagel" Nagel of former Opie and Anthony fame
1:06:20 - 1:06:30 Brents mind jumping from one thought to another gives me whiplash.
35:00 is one of my favorite moments ever. just watching toms face after bert misreads the name made me fall out laughing. love this podcast !
I want, no I NEED, to see a tennis match between them. It’s a must.
Lmao the fact bert described the asian girl as "the cute girl in MATH class" made me laugh harder than i should have
He is indeed racist
It’s funny, Bert is so dumb, that I can truly attribute the racist and prejudice things that come out of his mouth to his stupidity. lol
@@BrettLeP agreed
That last convo about Bret being against high schoolers partying would be a great bit. That 'my liver paid for this house!' tag line was tremendous
I hated that line, I'm sure he really says that. A household where the drunk often says "My liver paid for this house!" would get old reeeeally quick.
LeeAnn talking him through a panic attack cowering in the shower, arranging for him to see a therapist, LeeAnn arranging for him to get all his teeth redone in Tampa (the only dentist he is not afraid of), picking him up from last week's show because he is drunk at noon....
Teenage daughters whose dad is famous for being fat, no shirt, drunk.... who tell the world about your first period and other humiliating stories, who asks you at 16 to pick him up because he is drunk... Dad is away most of the time, but when he IS home, he always has to be the center of attention and tell everyone how we are going to eat dinner today, or has breakdowns and tells you (a 13 year old) that you have to take care of him right now...
THAT GUY ranting, "My liver paid for this house!" would get old quick.
This is why the podcast is so great the fact they on a dime to completely different topics and it’s funny the entire time plus toms reactions to absurd things Burt comes up with is one of the funniest things ever
"Is that koolaid?" "Yeah I had a rough morning." That slayed me lol, time to crack some beers while watching this.
Still think podcast with warren sapp should be called “Ballsap”
This episode is posted on my birthday, what a gift to behold, truly.
Happy birthday Jeans ❤️
Happy Birthday!!
Thank you mommies! This community that we've built is really the shit. Chomo 4 life
Happy birthday bud, you gotta get it goin
Happy Birthday! Its actually my mom's b day too.
Can’t wait to see Tom absolutely destroy Burnt in a tennis match
This podcast is hands down the funniest podcast EVER!!!!! Tom & Berts Chemistry is SO AWESOME!!!!!! Love these dudes!!!
Bert is pure joy!
15 minutes in and I’m still blankly staring at bert tell pointless stories. Tom has so much patience
Burnt: “Courtney and Jordan Hansen” Tom: 👁👃🏻👁
Bert that is exactly how everyone who skates thinks when they see giant handrails. Almost nobody can actually grind 25 stair kinked rails but everyone who's ever skated still imagines it
I was thinking the same thing. Lol. He just became a skater
Truth!
We all know if Bert ever lost Leann he'd spend the rest of his life trying to win her back.
He would act like he doesn’t care but he really would:(
It's great to watch this after Bert really did destroy Tom in tennis and his serve is actually insanely good
I don’t think Bert has ever left meat on any bone!
I dunno who does the "camera look" better, Tony Sugar or John Krabdinky.
Tommy buns and Martin freeman for sure 👍 😂
I love when they cut to Tom and he looks in the camera like "Here we go!". Lmao
“I played tennis at Beverley hills country club” may be the wealthiest sentence Bert has ever uttered
Burt's starting to think while he speaks, it's amazing to watch the transformation.
Bert Kreischer is one of the most honest people on the planet. To a fault.
I know he gets shit for being annoying, but it's weirdly endearing. Would be a nightmare if he was your Dad tho...
It's not honesty it's growing up never having to care about anyones feelings while you mooch off your parents going to college for nothing degree's until you're 30
Everything he says it either a total lie, or a hugely embellished smidgen of truth that ends up being a total lie.
Chiyori Nakanishi
I disagree. Has nothing to do with any of your reasons. Can’t believe I’m wasting my time with your comment. No offense.
@@SteveCossaboom But you can always tell when he lying or exaggerating, because he's terrible at it, even at his age.
Yes!!! Tony and Brett back in studio.
Woah its Tom and Bart
@@henrycavillsrealmustache3553 Todd and burnt*
Trump and Biden
“It’s not sexual assault, she’s married”
-Bart Krëischer 45:12
Time stamp?
It should be the next T shirt they make
Kreischer does seem like the sort of thing you'd yell at the top of your lungs at a rally.
Tom’s face at 46:20 when Burnt Krystals hacks up a lung and a half chewed steak is the funniest shit ever👌
Another great episode of “Bert Googles Things While Tom Sits in Silence”
I love how Bert defends Ellen without knowing the situation lol
And btw Bert you shouldn't be raising your voice to employees
Cuz Bert is also a shitty boss like Ellen lol I would have planned his murder already if I was Nadav
Lol immediately blames soft millennials for work complaints over like 20 years
VariousValue you’re absolutely right but if you remember that infamous exchange “He is not Nadav’s boss”
pu tang people defend trump even knowing his ‘story’. At least Bert acknowledges his ignorance when he finds out
what will big Bert's excuse this week for being a poor father hahaha
Jamie Johns probably something about “white privilege”. He’s been liking that term a lot lately
Does any one remember the episode Tom told the Russian pornstars story ?
I blame Leeann and bert equally they're a bad team imo
@@stinkypete2771 I don't remember a story about a Russian pornstar, I think you are mistaken
Noah Ferrari no it was but if ya don’t remember that’s fine I’ll keep lookin for it in these 41 episodes now
I love this show but I can’t believe how disrespectful Bert is to Leanne, holy moly
I hope she leaves him, because there’s nothing better than sad Bert.
I'm saying man! She really puts up with a lot.
Brett LeProhon that’s a bit cruel, I wouldn’t wish that on Bert, but I do think he should act more appreciative
You could tell on her appearance last week on Where My Mom's At she's totally broken inside now, he's so disgusting and poor Christina can't accept it. She tried hard to justify all of it 🤦♀️
@@dntgvafuk89 how's the cushion on that armchair doc?
She legit says in all her eps " for all the things I say he isn't perfect about, I know I'm just as fucked up"
“This guy has got to be a movie star” - talking about a star of a movie - burnt sizzler
I think this is the best episode they’ve had. Just two friends hanging out and Bert’s not laughing too much. 💯
Tom: how good are you at tennis?
Bret: put it this way, I nearly bought a house with a tennis court.
You should see how good he swims.
@@aacegeo you should see how good he is at foot racing
🤣
@@space_cadet2174 brilliant 🙌
Take a drink every time Bert says "I", "Me", or "My."
You'd be dead of alcohol poisoning in 5 minutes
Does any one remember the episode Tom told the Russian pornstars story ?
💀
Dude, I have to go to work in 5 days. How am I going to wake up.
And also count the "sentence restarts" when Bert figures he hasn't blurted anything out in :14 seconds, and he just opens his yap and starts making sounds, starting sentences about 18 times, until he gets to something that remotely makes sense.
On this week’s episode of “Bert Needs Psychiatric Help”: (guess anything and you’re probably close)
The 'don't worry I didn't miss that insane shit coming out of his mouth' look that Tom gives the camera when Bert says wild shit makes me wheeze
Bert pursuing these billionaire women should be a whole season of love on the spectrum
I imagine Bert could play tennis for 3 minutes before he's too drunk and exhausted to swing the racket.
Yeah he’s more suited to play with Christina’s dad.
Or he spends the entire time swatting invisible bees that he thinks are attacking his beer.
Even that's pushing it
Bro he runs like 5 miles a day lol his cardio is gr8
30 seconds tops
Brett Crystals...Butchering Ad reads for 41 straight shows now
Poor bastard can't read to save his life
" I can't read out loud"... can he read? He can barely speak sometimes
I like how Tom is just like "alright, I think we're done." in the middle of Bert's story
Bert: "SHE GREW UP WITH SEBASTIAN'S WIFE!!!"
Tom: "Okay."
lol i cracked up so hard; Brett was so excited, and Tom just did not care 😂
Love on the Spectrum is the most authentic show. Heartwarming.
I got diabetes just from Bert mentioning all of his “treats.”
Normal with alcoholics. Craving high sugar and high fat when not binging liquor or Xanax.
I recognize the fat guy. Idk where from but when my dog heard his voice he had a panic attack.
@Erling Braut Håland interestingly enough, smelling like shit brings the dogs around
#metoo
Berts “almost 100%” means he legitimately is at a 0% knowledge level of the subject in question
by almost he means missing the 1
It’s a hundred percent, not 100%. That is what makes him stupid.
Funny part is Fitzsimmons did work on Ellen
53:57
Bert flicks around because he "thought he was having a stroke", I fucking died laughing. How is Bert so ready for the signs of a stroke but won't stop drinking fucking Kool aid
Toms reactions to Bert are the best
Tom: “I used to want to do Ellen...it was before...”
Me: probably before 2001 😂
Cuz the Space Odyssey, right?
I don’t want to research, plz explain
Please welcome: “Brent Chrysler“
Brett
@cheechnchong420there's an open gallon somewhere q
I still love how the opening banner matches with Brets body
bert is so genuine! love your podcast!!
I love watching Tony and Brett
I dont understand how bert is still married or even alive for that matter!
@cheechnchong420 I dont know if i have ever been so torn over weather i think he is kinda smart or insanely stupid! His comedy is fantastic but his rational thought is fucked!
James Snodgrass he is an idiot Tom is a genius
@@TheCackett : I agree with you. But you're answering someone who doesn't know the difference between 'weather & whether.' Bert's fan base.
"oh, she dated benna fleck?"
xD
Finally! I was scrolling through the comments searching for someone who noticed this as well! Tom should’ve ran with that one, but too be fair, he could probably make fun of every other sentence that comes out of Bert’s mouth lol
Hahahahaaaaa. I made a face when i heard bert say it, but your spelling was great..
Bert is trying so desperately to recreate the kool-aid laughing 😂 wants to start the laughing snowball
Love on the Spectrum is really endearing. I’m rooting for everyone.
I wonder how Bert feels knowing everyone is moving out of state while he just started building a house in LA 😂
I bet he's stoked, less people means less traffic. There are too many people in this state.
Mean more stage time for him
I love how this podcast doesn't have any other guests. Just Tom and Bert.
54:50 Bert: "OK, what's the best Snoop Dogg hairstyle?! that he's ever had? Okay?" - 54:54
54:55 TOM: "I mean..." = (1 second)
54:56 Bert: "I'm gonna, I'm gonna give you MY vote...." talks until 55:09
55:09 TOM: "Oh, I see..." = (1 second)
55:10 Bert: "Right there!! ...." continues talking about himself and 'rocking wigs'
This comment is a mess. It’s annoying.
This episode was literally Bert rambling the whole time
Lorne Koch this show is literally Brent rambling the whole time
I feel like Brett makes up most of his stories like his superlatives but what a fun guy!
20 minutes in I was really questioning listening to this while I’m at work 😂
Bert is really THE LAST PERSON to give us this "millenials are ...." talk 🙄🙄🙄
he realizes theyre like 35 at this point right?
@@tonyspamoni5641 all boomers think anyone under 50 is a millennial
Me, after everything Bert says: "That's not true."
Looks like Tom’s sleep tape hasn’t killed Brett yet
Does any one remember the episode Tom told the Russian pornstars story
@@stinkypete2771 I bet its somewhere between episodes 1 and 41.
Rodney Smith wow now that’s helpful
His name is Tony i believe
Really wish these were longer! Always look forward to these.
This is the best show I've ever listened to. I really miss it on Spotify, kept me laughing at work.
I like how Bert just invented an entire history and life experience for Ellen Degeneres 😄
Bert becomes less cool and more special the more you understand why he is the way he is. Tom becomes cooler the more you understand how much pleasure he gets out of listening to how special Bert is. Few things are as entertaining as watching Tom try to keep it together when he hears something about how Bert lives.
Bert "I don't get hangovers" yet has at least 4 hangover cures on him everyday
You don't get a hangover if you just never stop drinking
@@Howitchewstofeel5gum Sounds like Archer
Did he really say he doesnt get hangovers? In the past he has literally said he LIKES being hungover...
@@Doorito_ I've honestly never watched Archer, but that is a bit of "wisdom" that I think a lot of people have arrived at over the millenia 😄
@@Howitchewstofeel5gum An old wives tale haha
18:20 Tom's face man!!!. He loves this .
Love on the Spectrum and Indian Matchmaker are the best! 🙌🏼 Love on the Spectrum was so heartwarming. I'm in love with Mark! ❤️
So is Christina editing 2 bears now? Why is the intro so short? 🤨 ...love the cold opens though.
I love how Bert doesnt realize his alcoholism is manifesting itself in his daughters friend circle.
Bert: I can’t lose weight
Also Bert: eating 2 pieces of pizza and 3 eggs in the middle of the night and that was the healthiest thing I did between a gallon of koolaid and a bottle of sugary wine
10/10 Would watch a 2 bears let's play series
I need more than one show a week. Please and thank you.