How Do You Respond To A Narcissist Who Imposes "The Formula"?
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 30 มิ.ย. 2024
- While it's good to have standards and values, narcissists take it further by insisting you follow their formula for "how life should be." And when you protest, they can unload all sorts of unhealthy responses onto you. How will you respond? Dr. Les Carter has several good ideas.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder. Since creating his TH-cam channel, his videos have received more than 115 million views.
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According to them there is only one right way to live your life: their way.
@@lifelonglearner2441 they are the epitome of emotional nazis
Yes!!
Ok, as long as nobody gets damaged in the process. If you don't agree, can you just leave unharmed?
Do not actively engage. Make an executive decision to exit "their situations" completely if possible. Rationally dismiss future temptation to re-insert parts of yourself into their high-voltage electrical outlet. In a word: *Avoidance*
Yep! Well said!🎉🎉🎉
@@PantaRhei-wz5zn Well if you cannot avoid the jerk, put on the full armor of God, to shield you from the nauseating and toxic narc, I guess. - See Ephesians 6:11, that passage of the bible about "spiritual warfare". 😞
I hear you loud and clear!..
@@PantaRhei-wz5znI hear you! I try to keep it as short as possible and infrequent as I can get by with. For one Dr, it took quite a while, but I finally found another who could give me the "actual paper." 👍🏻 The other Dr I haven't been able to replace has helped enough that it's still worth going to few times each year. 😅
@@randy_cbc8811 Thanks ! I am using a recording app on my phone as a Godly armour now. If the conversation turns again bad, towards blackmail, i intend to pull up my phone and open the app to record the conversation📱 In plain sight.. Hopefully it serves as a deterrent to repeat the doctors behavior. If not, at least i have sound evidence of malpractice at that point...
The interesting part of the "formula" is the presentation. The narc does all the talking. They will talk over you. The formula is not beneficial to both parties.
There are no ground rules. This isn't a negotiation. The narc wants you to compromise to their impossible demands. While realistically, no healthy person could ever comply and stay healthy.
I used to gray rock and say that's an interesting formula. Until their ideas became ridiculously dangerous. Then one day I silently got up while the narc spouted my scapegoat part in the formula, walked out, drove away. That was about 3 months ago.
Flying monkeys have all been informed. They found out, I punch back. I love myself. Respect, dignity, civility.
This is the best comment here.
Opinions: EVERYONE has a Right to their Own Opinion, Belief, Desires, Emotions, & Choices!
Any Relationship must work on certain areas of Compromising; yet, in doing so… Each takes their Turn & a Union of Agreements is Born!
Soul Mates… This is a Roux to Brainwash, by the “Only I MATTER Narcissist!” They want to ABSORB the Other Person’s BRAIN & SOUL & Eliminate YOU 100%, thus, to become your new ‘god!’
🙏🏻🌸☀️🕊🍃
I got rid of toxic friends who gave me unsolicited advice. ✂✂✂
I think advice is only useful if you point something out that the other person has never thought of before. (Once.) But with toxic people, advice is their way of thinking for you.
Anyone who can't respectfully disagree are not 'people' I want to know. TOXIC people are wayyyyy worse, they want to beainwash you. It's sickening.
You're describing Calvinball from the old Calvin and Hobbes comic strip. Calvin made up a ball game where he made all the rules, and only he could change them, which he did whenever Hobbes was winning. Hobbes learned that the only way he could win the game was to refuse to play.
Such a classic strip!!
I love Calvin & Hobbes and have most of his books. And I’m a senior! They’re still priceless.
They may fear irrelevance but they surely try to make you feel irrelevant!
My narcissistic partner not only tells me how I should be living, thinking, etc but actually tries to tell me who I am and what I am thinking or feeling as if I don't exist outside of what they think.. it's so hard not to respond, though I know it's futile, and it's infuriating and exhausting..
Memorize a few key Carter phrases & go gray rock 🪨 it works
Yeah it’s really hard not to respond. You still want justice, you still want it to be recognised that they lied or applied double standards or etc. I used to think they were sincere in their point of view, but I’m not so sure anymore. Wish I hadn’t wasted so many years on getting them to be reasonable…if they’d wanted to be reasonable they would have done it long ago. Now, I am delightfully indifferent - to one of them, anyway. Or to that person’s verbal acrobatics. I just say ‘ok’ a lot and smile. I mean it, too. I’ve begun to see the funny side of it.
@@i.ehrenfest349 I call what they throw at us “Word salad”.
I like you decided to just agree with them as long as it didn’t affect me financially or emotionally. I call it “leaning into crazy”.
Fortunately, I was able to get away from my ex narc. I divorced him and cleaning up the mess he left, but I live life on my own terms now so it’s good. My best wishes for you navigating your situation. Everyone’s circumstances are different again. I would wish you my sincerest best.
Why is he still your partner?
They have monologues, not dialogues.
True.....yet funny how they raddle on !
And if you say 2 syllables you have given them a stern lecture.
True.... yet funny how they raddle on!
You nailed it!
I used to call them his dissertations.
The more resistant we are the more imposing narcissist will be.
Unfortunately, you have a point. .. and sometimes they are willing to go to enormous lengths, that a sane person would not want to go...
And that's when they ruin their own game... forever. They show themselves for the nuts they are.
@@PantaRhei-wz5zn People then say "Well, you must be a horrible person if someone would do such horrible things to you. You made them do it!"
@@dakoderii4221That person does not sound like a friend.
@@dakoderii4221Just like they say 'it takes two to tango'. Not true - some people are just plain predators - they prey on others.
The challenge with any Narc is to set and maintain clear boundaries for they are constantly testing how far they can go with you - to get their needed supply.
When you do not know how to set a boundary verbally in the moment of confrontation, it's the wisest to disengage non-verbally by distancing physically.
That is excellent advice 👌
I have been guilty of setting boundaries and allowing them to be flexible. Huge mistake. Still learning 👍
@@amandaliverpool3374 Hi Amanda, I am glad that this and my phrases are helping you these days 💞.
In general boundaries are allowed to be flexible but with your children and Narcs it's different because your children need clear boundaries to feel safe. And Narcs need them because they just want to exploit and confuse you.
For us, who did not even know what healthy boundaries look like because we never learnt it naturally from the beginning of our life, it is very challenging indeed.
Hope your situation will soon get more peaceful 🙏💛🙏 Sending you lots of enlightment and light ❤🫂
@roxymovie3938 Hi Roxy. I seem to be managing the children situation a lot better, thanks. Things become more confusing when recent outside influences (that should know better) have let me down. I'm staying focused and true to myself. Thank you so much for your support 🙏 💜
@@amandaliverpool3374 Staying focused and being true to yourself is the best you can do! For nobody (the outside influences) knows you like you do and does not know what you need the most. I am glad to hear that you are managing the situation already much better. That's great to hear. ❤
@roxymovie3938 Thanks, Roxy. You are so appreciated. You're an absolute star 🌟 All the very best 🙏🌸🥰
Imagine the level of arrogance that one must have to stick his/her nose into someone else's business(life) and demand that that person capitulate to his/her demands. Add to this that the narcissist continues to talk sh-t behind the back of his/her target's back, regardless of whether his/her target capitulates, or not.
My narcissist father has been divorced 3 times, lost all his friends, and isn't on good terms with most of his children, but he's got the arrogance to call me 'selfish' and tell me how to have a good relationship.
they 'know Best" ( ugh); and interfere every Day& night!!
That's my mother in law summed upperfectly
I think the temerity to pry into your business after having lied repeatedly to intimidate/berate you [if your business doesn't suit them] is always down to entitlement and power. Luckily, our power is to say aloha to that and leave. Period.
I have lived through this.
an environment that is not safe to disagree in, is not an environment focused on growth - it's an environment focused on control.
narcissistic behavior is deliberately done to prove they’re in control and to regulate their own insecurities. it takes a really long time and hard work to overcome abuse like this.
cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁
Ding ding ding! If it is not about growth according to you then it is about control according to them. That’s the difference maker! Someone gets it.
@@BermudaGrass agreed 💯
🍻 ✅️
Yes
I was with a narcissist who tried to control everything: what words I should use or not use, which door I should use in the house, consulting him if I was going to spend over $100 even though most times the groceries were more than $100. My salary was higher than his. I went out and bought a new chair for the living room and left the $400 price tag on it. He couldn't think of how to respond. Even with small victories, it was soon evident that the controlling behavior would never end, so I got out.
Now you can get a couch to match that chair!
… a passive, vacant stare was my strength. It was her kryptonite.
Once I was onto my near-ex, it was like magic. Toddler type mini tantrums ensued.
@@SandraII-in9sl If you can maintain your composure and not respond, it puts all the pressure on them even if it’s a nothing situation. But it is difficult. We become so conditioned.
@@Verenike4ever I would concur with that. One trick if you find it difficult not to respond: Recite a poem or song text you know well in your own head - it keeps your internal working memory occupied, and reduces the pressure to fill the silence. Just stick to a text you know well & find comforting
@@PantaRhei-wz5zn Excellent idea!
I’ve been away from my ex and my Mom for nearly 4 years, I wish I had grasped the game sooner. When a person is in the fray, help like you just gave can be your salvation. Many thanks!
I wish I was as strong as you. It seems to get harder and harder to hold my own. I let him win when I open my mouth and I try so hard not to engage . Some times I just can’t take it anymore. I just wish there was an easy button.
Hire a real private detective agency to do a full background check on the narcissistic person stalking you, they don't want others to know.
👌🏻 The police can help too in many instances. We forget that when the abuser is a family member...
@@sgueymardI wouldn't use the cops. They are narc's themselves.
Ìt is worthwhile bearing in mind that some narcissists are dangerous criminals. It is one thing thinking that someone is dishonest & not very nice, it is another to accidentally discover that they are involved in people trafficking, the ritual abuse of terrified, young, women & a nasty form of black witchcraft.
Sometimes it is worth keeping your eyes open & your mouth shut, till you know what is going on.
Where I live in Ventura County, California, the government criminal records are free to access.
@@sgueymardPolice don’t help until after the damage has been done. No help with preventative measures
Narcissists fail to understand we are not human beings in search of a spiritual experience, but rather we are spiritual beings immersed in a human experience.
That happened to me in workplace settings. Toxic bosses or micromanagers impose meaningless ways of doing things on you.
This happened to me when I was younger too. They thrive on power!!!
They don't care whether it's productive or not. They force you to do things in an unproductive way. 😕
@@amandaliverpool3374 One reason is that they show you power. Another reason is rigidity. They cannot change the way of doing things.
@yukio_saito Yes. It's their way or the high way!
In a workplace setting, DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. Leave a paper trail even if it is your own journal that you document at the end of each work day.
This is so true- they can’t see anything your way - but sometimes what you said they will days later do exactly what you said but act as thro it was their ideal- never give you any credit for any thing you do- I lived with a narcissist for almost 50 years and it’s got to the place in my life I don’t like or trust him at all- it’s a sad life- not a companion at all- all one sided- if there is anything wrong it’s alway me- everything is my fault- I really don’t like this person - I stay away from him as much as possible.There is NO reasoning with this guy- I’m glad I’m not like him- sooooo glad- I’ve told him I like me so much better - I like the way I think better and I’ll going to be me- and I avoid him as much as possible- I have no problem staying to myself - he’s so toxic
So true 😅😮
Narcs don’t connect but just control ❤️🩹
How could my parents do this to me? They said all this same stuff to me as I was growing up in the 1950s and 1960s. When I questioned it they told me it was because they loved me. Once I left home I had no self love or any direction to go. I kept second guessing and ended up marrying 2 different narcissists. After my 7th suicide attempt I finally got the mental health support that I needed. It was kind of late. Now, at age 71, I am on the right track. I am slightly mad at my parents but I have learned to forgive them.
💔Blessings...
The one in m life wanted to control every aspect of my daily schedule, including what I ate and when I ate, how much I ate, my work-out schedule down to every exercise and repetition, who I spent time with, where I shopped for groceries. It was so sad. Thank you for this video.
That would’ve been fine as long as you were the one who asked what to eat and how much or even how to workout and when. That person would’ve been trying to simply help you. Especially if a certain place has cheaper items for the diet and workout regimen. And who you spent time with, in what way do you mean?
@@BermudaGrass someone I love(d) dearly.
@@BermudaGrassI gotta say, Bermuda, I don’t see how that would ever be fine. Maybe with a nutritionist or other expert you pay…I’d be concerned about anyone asking another person to micromanage them like that, as well as the person doing the micromanaging.
Edit
To add to that, ‘simply trying to help’ is what narcissists say a lot when they want to do the thinking for their victims.
An example that comes to mind for me is my nex's need to have everything his way, just because. His dishwasher had slots for silverware, but you could flip the cover and put multiple pieces of stainless in there. I did that because having to put each spoon, fork, etc., into a slot was tedious. The nex would leave dishes all over the house. He never cleaned up after himself or went anywhere near the dishwasher. Yet he'd rant and rave if I flipped that cover up (on the rare day he actually looked in there). He would make such a big deal about it. He wanted it done his way or else. Unbelievable!
Yes everything’s their way- and they will talk over you when your trying to tell them something and if you keep talking they will throw out a nasty insult- anything to get you to stop talking- it’s pathetic
So recognisable.
@@user-cz7my6rh1r So true!
My mother was like this to a T. As a kid it was my job of making the sweet tea. She showed me "THE way" to do if which included mixing in the sugar *after* adding cold water to the pitcher which resulted in the sugar just sitting on the bottom. I figured out that the sugar should be added to the teapot with the hot water so it would dissolve before combining it with cold water in the pitcher. I showed this new method to my mom and she FLIPPED OUT. literally screaming at me. I was 9 years old and at that moment knew something was wrong with her.
I have been through alot in my life but I would never wish this experience on my worst enemy. I didn' t need this after 30 years of marriage and fresh onto singles scene, many many of these predators just waiting for you......
I called it rewriting history. Yes, they absolutely can not acknowledge reality 🤦🏽♀️
Wish I'd known this 40 years ago. Oh well, I'm grateful for having learned better ways and better boundaries since. Some old dogs love learning new tricks 😀
"They are going to be the same way with anyone else" - this sentence makes me hope that many of their charmed monkeys would eventually see them as they really are: a heartless narcissists.
I found that "let's agree to disagree" sometimes works with them, unless it's about personal things, like family and kids. Also, if he escalates I say "no, i am not talking about this now in this tone, this discussion is over, we can talk another time".
My narcissist hardly ever agrees with me on anything. After going mostly no contact, he all of a sudden will agree with general comments I would make. Is this a form of love/trauma bonding?
I think so, because I have the same thing happening to me. It's exhausting.
I look forward to learning from Dr. Les Carter formulas for dealing with those who impose their formulas.
Being with a whole family (husband and in-laws) for 5 decades who operated within the formula of the patriarch was maddening. I am far to creative and open to different ways of doing things. They also believed that God gave them personally the exact rules for how to live their lives and they were to dictate to others these rules. I look back and now see it as a cult. My problem was the formula was so rigid that I blabbed my ideas that went against the system's formula without even knowing it at first. Oh... it is over but I figure I will spend the rest of my life healing wounds. The upside is that when I am listening to Dr. Carter's videos and reading his books, taking the courses....(along with reading what other experts in this field have to say,) I feel comfort and peace while making my journey toward being healed of all the turmoil I endured for the last 5 decades.
Yes it is a family cult. And you were never accepted. Stay away from those nuts.
god that sounds like a nightmare.
When someone makes it clear to you that there's no room for you in the relationship you have with them, believe them! You can do better. Do Healthy!
#TeamHealthy
🎯
I remember a college professor (or was it a pastor/mentor?) once saying if a husband and wife are pretty much the same, one of them isn't really necessary.
@@aaronkwolfe 😂
As another famous Doctor exposes "for the Narcissist reality is offensive."
Great quote.
It’s weird how they must be relevant must be focused on and believe everyone is watching Them. It’s weird because the way my mom got me over being self conscious was by saying “ Shannon people aren’t paying that much attention to you, think about it, do you get on the bus walk in to work and suddenly focus on one specific person? Just studying them? No not unless they’re dressed as a clown or throwing a fit” But I guess narcissists are kinda shady clowns who throw fits
Oh Dr. C and everyone here hope you are healthy and in good spirits. I only hope all the narcs in the world get a tiny dose of consciousness in the way they act to others. No one deserves to talked down to belittled or made to feel less than.
So true.
I keep a small digital recorder for such interactions. Later I will listen to the interaction and make lists of truth of their words and the word salad. I do not have the constitution to collapse a narc, it is just too darned brutal to witness. I never call em out anymore these critters can and will do bodily harm to protect their false self. They seem to be reproducing these last 4 years, many more of them are cropping up in society.
I so needed this today. I am editing a book "written" by one of these people. Most tedious thing I have ever done...
Yes. They are unreasonable and cruel. He went from telling me how much he loved me and how beautiful I am. He often told me how much he enjoyed my company and how great I am. He offered to buy me things. If I allowed him to, whenever he got upset with me for not letting him control me, he'd take it back. In the end, he broke up with me because a guy spoke to me in front of him. He started disappearing often. He told me I was selfish, insecure, broken, deceitful, and a user. I only showed that man love and made sacrifices. He just kept insulting me and got worse when I cried. I opened up to him about my life when we met. He did the same, and we said we were proud of each other for overcoming. Well, in the end, he threw it in my face. I never met anyone who turned out to be so cruel and accused me of being everything he is. He was never accountable. He always deflected. I think our similar childhood trauma made me empathetic and him a narc. I am so angry at myself and him. I am hurt and disappointed at how it all turned out.
When they start making stories up. Well you did this 10yrs ago. So you did this thing that is not true. They tell you its true. But it's not
With the narcissist, they will never see our point of view. It would be easier to convince them the sky is really orange. 😊
Narcissists come along with ideas for you that never worked for them(that's called sabotage). My narcissist father would try to tell me to get in a relationship with a woman after he's been divorced 3 times. I'm not taking relationship advice from my narcissist father that has been divorced 3 times, is always getting into fights with people he's acquainted with, and isn't in a good relationship with most of his 8 children.
I once let them do their way even if I knew they were going to fail. As expected, they messed things up. I didn't take care of them at all. 😁
🤭
My ex was like that. He was 13 years older than me and had been married twice before (and divorced twice). (Trust me, I found out why….) He used to tell me “I know what it takes to have a good marriage.” (Um…..no…..) One time I said to him “why don’t we work on compromising. You know, sometimes something will be more important to you, sometimes something will be more important to me.”
He absolutely floored me when he said “There will be no compromise. It will be done my way.”
He meant it. Every word.
That was when I started planning my exit strategy……
Thank you. The formula of love is the best. We have to cultivate this quality and can be successful despite the selfishness around us. Have a good day and thank you Dr. C.
Thank you for this, Dr. Carter! I've dealt with this for 24 years. I am done with this abuse! I'm too tired for this.
I really hope this video will be general enough, and include lots of examples of such situations: In the workplace, in the doctors office, in services purchased, etc. Not only in Romantic Relationships.
Sometimes there is so much focus on that one element that it seems there is nothing else in life where narc situations can arise...
Sorry, i am getting frustrated. I would really love a broader worldview in narcissism videos, beyond one's love life. It's one part of life, not the whole of it
And in parent-child relationships, and in school settings. The teachers in my school days were so controlling. 😖
And it can happen in therapy. I fired bad therapists.
@@yukio_saito Great example ! As a kid the head of our school always received plenty of phone calls over the holidays from parents to please, please, please not put their kid in the class of Miss X (awful teacher)... When he complained to my mom about this, she point blank said to him "And if you would put my kid in her class, i would phone you as well."
I hear you loud and clear. As best as I can, I try to present the principles in a way that can apply to a broad array of circumstances, just like you mentioned.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you for getting back to me - its appreciated. Yes, i noticed that you often put things logically & not always specifically about romantic relationships, which appeals to me.
If we could have the occasional other example as well, that would be great. In particular, i notice that some sentences which are perfectly ok in a normal private (romantic) relationship, would not always be well received on the work floor. Its more circumspect there, and you have to be more strict about what you can say to a client or boss (even if those arent all that reasonable / polite themselves ...) Also in bureaucratic situations where you are dependent on that person in front of you, that is overstepping his boundaries of power, its more challenging to react correctly (not making it worse - not getting taken advantage of).
Congratulations on your mention in the Washington Post, Dr. C. The word is getting out. Let's hope that people examine how we treat each other and begin to lower the temperature through health. There are real narcissists in the world, but there are many who don't know any better.
Benny Hill used to say," If you are pointing at other people, you have three fingers pointing at yourself. We can all learn from this lesson and maybe stop hurting each other. I say, if you see someone pointing, beware. Beware of darkness. ✌️
The Washington Post? I was unaware! I'll look it up.
@@SurvivingNarcissism
‘Narcissistic abuse’ has gone mainstream. But what is it?
Skeptics say it’s just a trendy hashtag. Survivors say it describes the unimaginably manipulative relationships they’ve escaped.
By Abby Ellin
July 1, 2024 at 8:00 a.m. EDT
Why do narcissists think that what they do to people are ok ? I just don’t get how they can sleep at ease knowing the damage they cause. I mean I am losing sleep and my daily life is crumbling. Can a narcissist really hide who they are for 10 years? Or did I just not see it because I was so blindly in love? Or do they just flip a switch one day? I am always confused .
Yes, to all your questions.
People justifying their evil deeds just to "go along to get along" is the problem. They reward bad behavior with praise and punish good behavior for "upsetting and offending" the narc. You are too thin skinned if you say you are offended, even at the most offensive things that people admit would be wrong when done to them but it's cool when it happens to you. The enablers feel so good about justifying evil. They place heavy burdens on you but won't lift a finger themselves.
Consider that a blessing. 15 years of bs for me.
Sending a giant hug to Doc. C. & Gus😊💙😊
Hug received, with gratitude, Stanley!
I just dealt with my narcissistic family member yesterday 🙄She called me to discuss a surgery appointment coming up that I have to take her to. She told me I could drop her off and then go home until she was done and ready for me to pick her up. I asked the simple question of do you know about how long (a guesstimation) the surgery may take? Reason for asking was I was trying to get a general idea so I could maybe find something to do in town while she is in surgery. Well, that set her off and she says to me that was a stupid question and that I should know better than to ask a question like that. I tried to explain why I asked the question but she was hell bent on telling me how stupid I was over and over for asking that question. Then she says to me "now tell me you agree with me that that was a stupid question" omg. So I agreed just to keep the peace because the whole thing was so stupid and uncalled for. Anyone else would have told her to drive herself to her appointment and hung up on her. I have known this woman all my life and she is by far the worst full blown case of narcissism I have every seen. She is extremely rude, condescending and controlling. Narcissists should be put on some sort of meds.
Stop disrespecting yourself like that.
@@angelacahill9460 Shes old and I'm used to dealing with her.
It is a mighty shame she is a family member. I would not wish to continue a friendship with such an individual.
@@camellia8625 Nearly everybody has.
never agree to things like that, my brother is similar, and before you know it you're deep into an argument, that is why I avoid him as much as possible, it's bad for my health just being around him.
I used to watch these vidoes in secret out of fear of retaliation for trying to manage the hurt and dysfunction my husband’s narcissism has bullied its insidious way into my home, heart, and life. Now I just leave the sound up and don’t try to hide it, which frankly still scares me enough to cause my hands to shake when he walks by, but I don’t care how he interprets me or my efforts any more. His anger still scares me (as it was designed to do!) but I am facing my own fears, keeping his anger away from me, and to heck with what he thinks!
For the sake of my own sanity, I had to go no contact a little over a week ago because the latest childish temper tantrum was the one that broke this camel’s back (little did I know even I had a breaking point!! 🤣 I mean it’s broken as my as far as my willingness to engage with a person who’s hell bent on taking his own fear and pain out on me; my own sense of peace and value and dignity is intact, and is in fact what caused me to tell him I can’t take his anger any more and I am done. Not that it did any good, he’s still blaming me for it, and the tension in the house is palatable, but I’m finding I like drawing the line because in spite of the tension, at least I don’t have to listen to the endless blaming monologue designed to punish me, blame me, and put me in my place that’s doubtlessly running through his head at the present time).
I’m such a positive, optimistic, live in the solution kind of person that I am actually shocked to learn all the love, tolerance and patience in the world can’t fix this. But it rings true with my “impossible” experience, and I accept it. I also accept that he will not take responsibility for the devastating effects on his anger has had on me … so here I sit where his dysfunctional expressions of anger (blame the victim 🙄🙄🙄) can’t reach me, and him doing whatever he needs to do to find his latest supply, not speaking til the day one of drops dead. 🤷♀️
I agree wholeheartedly with the feeling of being unnecessary. It makes me so sad because I truly don't feel that way. But I am able to make my own decisions even if it doesn't always work out. It actually always works out. I have faith in me.
Thank you so much. I deal with this every day. I get 2 hour long Bible bashing lectures (sometimes a couple times a day! He has too much time on his hands or something), and more recently have had to sit through even a white board presentation about how to be a submissive wife… it’s very strange, upsetting and degrading. My opinions and feelings absolutely do not matter. Nowadays I don’t even defend myself and my position, and I just let him berate me and tell me all the ways I’m “like the pig with the gold ring in its snout,” that I’m “the definition of a contentious woman,” that I’m “blaspheming the word of God,” “unsubmissive wife,” etc… There is absolutely no empathy or desire to understand. There is no accountability for his side-he’s the most elusive and selfish person. Has lots of gifting and is generous and evangelically caring for those external relationships. But little do they know how he treats his wife behind closed doors and in front of his children…
Is there anything I can do to”defeat” the narcissist? It feels like my best choices are to not engage and to maintain my own boundaries. In a way this feels like the narcissist wins. They are not held accountable for their actions and behaviors. Can’t we make them go away and stop messing with our lives?
God bless you dear Dr Carter, this is just what I needed to hear after an unsettling encounter with one of the narcs in my life 😮. Thanks for the therapy, you addressed every issue that happened just as it happened!!! It is reassuring to listen to you and know that the gaslighting and projection belongs to them, it is not who I am, it takes a lot of restrain not to answer back, today I lost it and the f word came out 😢 ...moving forward thanks to your wonderful efforts ❤
So pleased on your behalf, and I'm honored to be on the path with you.
@SurvivingNarcissism i was do upset at my lack of control, I'm listening to this video again and again like my sanity depends on it, and it does 😅😅😅 Good day, Dr C.
Go gray rock 🪨 it works with a few choice Carterisms!
After 6 years of learning to ID active Narcissist traits, my husband has downgraded to calling me "crazy" ..
mocking me, & overtalking me...I can't reason w/him. He's frustrated.... actually bored of handling his responsibilities, from his hygiene, his person, his language, tone, to his apt..& ... and now his job, hiding behind execuses, & lies,.... frustrated/anger are becoming unmanaeable.. and demands I respect him?? Why?.
.he claims that on the job
people don't listen to him... and don't do what he tells them..no surprise here! I know 20 trails of Narcissism... am I missing some?.
..and how to shield for my wellbeing! He has thteaten physical harm before. Should I reinstate a Restraining Order? I'm taking your THIS IS ME COURSE,.. (I need so encouagement) .. I haven't gotten to this issue yet!
Yes, there was "the Plan", and I was supposed to go along. Only I didn't.
Howdy Gus, your cool, in Texas here Linda, your famous Gus, i love you, my Dogs or famous also, having Gus around, thanks Gus Carter, your famous cause i like cool videos of doggies, to me its so wonderful, your mom will talk to you later, you take it easy with my Doctor, your cool daddy, i love your look, our Gus
This describes my wife's father to a tee. Hit the nail on the head Dr. Carter!
You are very special in your thoughts. Though I prefer having my own thoughts.
You have your opinion. I have mine. Let's face it: we both have different opinions.
Thank you for letting me know how you would solve this problem. I prefer doing it my way, nevertheless.
I am very sorry but I will stop this conversation now for it is no longer productive.
To make one thing clear: I would like to find a solution that works for both of us.
These are transformative phrases of balance. To stay grounded in the mist of their confusing madness that often sucks one down rabbit holes, to recalibrate the false drama of their reality with a masterful set of verbal skills to adhere to! I so truly appreciate you. Much gratitude🙇🏻♀️🪷Thank you
Wow, thank you
Right now I'm collecting free booklets with lists of phrases like yours, true gems offered by psychologists, trainers, etc.
Very useful indeed especially when the narcissist tries every trick to blow you up
Thank you 🌼🌿🌿🌼🌿
Wearing German sandals all day . Well, I also change them , I have a little (very little) necessary collection.. bc they need air refreshing moments of course 👣
😄"You are very special in your thoughts. Though I prefer having my own thoughts"
The twist in the second sentence made me spit out my tea, laughing out loud... Thanks Roxy !
Yes, you have your opinion. One of their favorite tactics is to say:
"Everyone else thinks like this"
"No one else thinks like you"
But don't take it seriously. 😁😜😉
Dr Carter hello this video was excellent! And very interesting as we speak" right now I'm closed up in another room of the house exhausted from listening to him back and empose his opinions on me for the last 6 hrs! I feel like a rubber ball😢😂 but thank God for Dr. Carter's wisdom and knowledge it really helps get through this awful abuse.
Wow, do you know this topic inside and out! You quote them here word-for-word, and explain it so clearly. I can't thank you enough, Dr. C! God bless you!
In which situation do you find it the most challenging setting boundaries? Why?
- For example I am quite good at setting boundaries on my workplace but I find it extreme challenging to set a boundary with family.
I think with family and personal relationships, we are more likely to 'bend' with a sob story 💙
Roxie - the hardest things for me were assumed obligations. When you’re married it’s understood you meet your obligations ie, attending your partner’s life happenings (supplies) with them. But when there is no love shown for it, just an obligation fulfilled, a transaction by you, and it’s never reciprocal, after 38 years you feel like a road kill.
@@elcee7800 Well said. The role that we are supposed to play in the family is weaponized, and they think that they get to tell us how we are supposed to fulfill OUR role. Nope, that's not happening.
@@kristenmarie9248 just keep your eyes and ears alert. narcs weaponize boundaries under the guise of being a misunderstood “empath.”
Thank you Dr. C!!!! I get so much out of watching your videos, it helps me so much :). One of your suggestions that I particularly noted in this video was about 'Mystery and Nuance...not everything has to fit into place.' Boy, that's a hard one for me. Having everything in its place is something I have to work at now as we are living in a house under construction. Finding my pants was a problem today :P. Normally, I have to have everything exactly in place, but I am really exercising this muscle of understanding that it can't always be. Just about every one of your videos puts words to some actions or abuse from my ex-father or tips for me that nail whatever I am currently working through. Thank you so much.
Great work by Dr. Les Carter. My hypothesis: narcissism represents the behavior of someone suffering from a "locus of identity" that is based upon the cognition of the left hemisphere of the brain rather than being based upon that of the right hemisphere of the brain.
Good hypothesis.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you Dr. Carter. How would you determine if that hypothesis is consistent with reality?
Thank you so much Dr.C! As always this was very helpful & informative. I have struggled in the past knowing what to say to these troubled individuals. It is extremely helpful to hear examples of how to respond with assertiveness & emotional boundaries. No more reacting to delusional, illogical individuals 🙏🏼
Blessings to you and the important work you do helping others ❤
Thank you Dr. C! I have been catching up on the videos I have missed. This really resonated with my situation. Thank you for all of the work that you put into providing us with your expertise!
Thanks for your Videos, Clearly you understand the behavior of Narcissists very well.
Thanks so much for this insight! I drop in here every so often to remind myself of a few truths....this hit the mark ❣️
Right on time, as usual. somehow, something is looking out for me. I appreciate you so much.
Thank you for this, Dr. C
You are very welcome
Thank you so much for this DR Le's, Absolutely tremendous, I love the mystery and synchronicity of the universe, I'm not in to all this black and white and us vs them mentality, Peace, love and respect to you and everyone, Thank you universe all glory to the most high :-)
Mr Gus!!! 👋🥩🦴🦴❤ Thank you Dr C for yet another awesome video to help us understand and grow! Have a blessed day! ❤️🍫
What a fabulous video! Great job, AGAIN, Dr C 👏 🌟
Glad it resonated!!
Wow!! What an info filled video, Dr. Carter. Thank you for the boost that gave my brain!!
Glad it was helpful!
This is absolutely amazing. You have described exactly what I've gone through with narcissists. Actually fairly recently now so I can totally relate. I found myself in the dilemma of trying to get the narcissist to listen to me as he was screaming and yelling in a delusional temper tantrum. You have really explained the frustration and given ways to handle it
Glad it resonated!
If I followed her mental script, I would let her physically punish me because she "needed" to do it to someone. If I didn't, she attacked me anyway for being the new villain in her story. And yet, the end result was somehow incredibly influenced by my choices and not at all hers.
Yes, I tried to fix her, so to speak, for as long as I did, so it was objectively partially my fault. But entirely? I can't stand that level of insane troll logic!
Stick to the "plan" and never live in the moment narcissists.
This is very apparent for the grandiose
Excellent
Thanks
When it’s family I think it’s so confusing, because you want to be Godly and they are religious with this self-righteous/legalistic mind set & when they do any sort of parenting or go to a certain church I’ve noticed if you don’t fall in line doing or going to the same places, then there’s constant passive aggressive digs constantly to you being wrong and them being right. It’s exhausting
Respectfully, I appreciate your suggestions, however, I listen to yours (and a couple of other people’s videos), and the individual is usually described as somewhat discombobulated. Well, this description is more like me🙂.
My sister, The Narcissist(!), is a high-powered lawyer who has done whatever she could to squash and quash me, in addition to separating me from our folks-despite me having giving up most of my time to help them in their dementia state. She heartily assumed/assumes that I am part of the reason for their illness-and has cut me from family, funds, heirlooms, inheritances, et cetera.
I am not a lawyer like her, but I am a pastoral chaplain. Peace🌬️🕊️.
Never be alone with them in meeyings and all requests in email
what if they're completely right?
is it (still) narcissism for them to tell you to go 'their' way?
🥴
Hi again, I have another question.
Do narcissists say it’s ok to do something, then suddenly change their mind and act like they have no idea why you thought it was ok?
If so, what is this called? And what is it called if they know it hurts you and they make fun of a person for believing them?
That's classic bait and switch, which is it own form of gaslighting.
Hola 👋🏼
I love your videos. I love videos about venomous snakes too. Is there a correlation?
I hope not!!!
I feel like both subjects are mean, strike out, and are dangerous to be near. They seem to both be detrimental to our physical health.
Wow
Can I share this with the narcissist?
Sure, just keep your expectations low.
@@SurvivingNarcissismI’m going to try my best🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
Listen to
I have seen that movie too
By Elton John
On it!
To be honest it sounds like the majority of Canadian men. Must be something in the water. 👀🙄
😅 That resonates
Oh, Dr. Carter, exactly, I hear you are so one sided, you always think you are right. Compensation perfect word for it. It is exhausting.
???
Can you just let people of different sorts be who they are and stay yourself for who you are and leave people you do not accept or like alone without hatred towards them ? My opinion that hateful people can start learning the meaning of respect for the ants for example. Usually therapists focus on people versus people. Some people plainly cannot understand that love and respect is not only about our species.We interact with different worlds in our own world called Earth. Just be kind to each other. I wrote this comment after being dismissed from my adult daughter's world. It is upsetting and there is nothing I can do now. I am not complaining and not seeking help.I just want to be heard in the hope it'll help someone to look into their beliefs and values. For me mother is sacred and I treasure memories of mine. Good luck to anybody who is fighting themselves. Stop fighting , you are valuable and loved the way you are !😉❤
My ex was like that. He was 13 years older than me and had been married twice before (and divorced twice). (Trust me, I found out why….) He used to tell me “I know what it takes to have a good marriage.” (Um…..no…..) One time I said to him “why don’t we work on compromising. You know, sometimes something will be more important to you, sometimes something will be more important to me.”
He absolutely floored me when he said “There will be no compromise. It will be done my way.”
He meant it. Every word.
That was when I started planning my exit strategy……