Its so complex and like you say - so many layers. There is the trauma bonding and also (this dawned on me a few months ago) the fact that you could not leave as a child. Your very survival was at stake and so you had to stay and put on a pretence that everything was ok. You had to disassociate and bury yourself in denial to get through it. The neural pathways of being able to walk away from abhorrent treatment were never formed. So again as an adult you walk into a mirror of that relationship and feel unable to leave. It's so counterintuitive. The same scene plays out in your adult life over and over until you learn to wake up and love yourself enough to make it stop.
"The neural pathways of being able to walk away from abhorrent treatment were never formed." YES EXACTLY! - so very well you articulated this! And I think on a very basic level this is exactly what the narco can "sniff out" even before there's been much interaction. Yes I too have been dealing with recovering from this abuse from childhood - bit by bit getting YOU back from them! First you have to reach a sort of tipping point where your eyes are opened (wake up from the programming) to see that you shouldn't and don't have to put up with such abuse. Then the real work can begin, but takes years.
J B I agree it’s still very true as a child I couldn’t walk away from abuse but I was in Doring from my mother and I repeated this in my adult relationships with intimate partners because I never knew what real love was I don’t think I’ve ever experienced real love only abuse and manipulation it’s hard for me to recognize what real life is other than what I see from people and healthy relationships I think all of my past relationships start it off with good intentions and then I just for gave and gave too many chances until things got really bad and had to end even the X narcissist Husband said in one of his last emails to me “after it takes years for you to regain your strength you can reach out to me as friends I will be friends with you” At the time I thought he was trying to be sweet now I view that statement is very condescending like he takes pleasure out of knowing that it is going to take me years to fully heal from everything he is right about that part it will take me years to heal from all the abuse that I suffered throughout my childhood my young adulthood and my adult hood and that is why I’ve chosen to stay single for the last 2 1/2 years and I will remain single until I feel fully healed and whole as a person as I want my next relationship to be healthy and not to complete me but to add to my life in a good positive way
"One day you're being abused, the next day she cooks you dinner" triggered a whole "Ta-Daaaa" with me. You've got yourself another subscriber ma'am. Thanks for taking the time to spell this out to people, I'd hazard a guess that you're probably saving few lives every week by letting people (male AND female) see they don't have only one way out.
"he drove me to the train station............" that's it-right there in a nutshell. so famished for crumbs, and those crumbs are everything. brilliant video. you summed it up.
100%, thing is when one is a sensitive empath and makes this breakthrough and it's been no contact for years- the compassion to want to heal the abuser creeps back in, and the reality may soften so that forgiveness is there and it wasn't so bad. The hardest thing is to truly believe they one could be so dark that they did things on purpose. It's a lifelong struggle to not go back them.
This is very helpful. When you say the truth, that it isn't love. Your nervous system has learned to interpret that behaviour.. interaction as love. This is the first time that this has REALLY sunk in for me. So very glad that I watched this again. I have understood this intellectually at some level for quite a while.. and yet never really "got it". My nervous system learned "normal" as a child watching my parents abuse each other. NOW I get it!!!
I left him and he's now so wonderful and warm, more than ever. He sounds different, not like himself at all. It is scary in a way.. If the psychologist didn't tell me about narcism, I would probably have fallen for that. Yet still it hurts to get this attention now when I'm already gone and don't want to go back. I just feel better by myself and now I know he wouldn't be so nice for a long time. Even now he says mean things, covered with loving words. Like "you are stronger than you think" - it may seem nice, but it really means that I don't believe in myself and I need his reassurance.. Or "I've done everything you wanted, forgave you and you still can't forgive me? Forgiving would be good for you" - as if he had anything to forgive, I didn't do anything wrong, just left after one of his abusive behaviours. Those mean words are subtle but they assure me about his true intentions.
+Dorota Cieslinska Exactly. Trust in yourself. It's the subtlety of the phrases that appears so benign to the outsider. Only when you're in it (or have been through it) do you know exactly what that means. This is why victims can feel like they're going crazy because when they tell other people what happened, other people can't see the Big Picture and it appears like no big deal. This can further confuse a victim. It's good you realize what's loaded behind those words.
I was lucky to meet several women who understood instantly so I didn't have to explain those details. It was possible because they know me so if I say I feel terrible because of a man they don't try to convince me otherwise. Social support is very important. When I was talking to a lawyer, she didn't understand at all - "He didn't hit you, right? And he didn't tell you to do something wrong, so there is no crime". He thinks the same way. No visible marks = no evidences = nothing wrong. Forget and get over it. I'm catching myself wanting to meet him, but then I read about the narcissism or talk to a friend and that keeps me away. I'm going to have a child with him soon (I'm 9th month pregnant), so it would be even more tempting to go back.
My boyfriend always said things about him forgiving me for what I'd done. He thought I abused him by bringing up the past, which were things he did to me. He said me bringing it up was hurtful and rude so he would threaten me or call me names. He threatened to share nude pictures with everyone I know because I "reduced him to nothing" by bringing up the past and he'll do the same to me if I keep hurting him like that. I never even sent him any pictures of myself either, he would take them against my wishes
"I hope next time [next relationship] you'll be happy." ; "You didn't let yourself be happy.'' You see, it was all my fault, I should've been happy, happy with triangulation and emotional abuse. Happy with utter emotional frigidity. Happy with being financially and emotionally exploited. Happy with them throwing their kid under the bus to get at me because they know I'm vulnerable to that, being an adult survivor of child abuse. Happy with a thousand deliberately baiting and provocatory statements. Happy feeling like this person had no sense of accountability to their past deeds, every moment being disconnected from every other. It's precisely these types of subtle statements that in my experience do the most damage because they make you question your reality. A reality they incidentally couldn't care less about except to manipulate and wire-pull. It's hard to deprogram from this stuff. Best of luck, and remember it's okay to be alone.
The mind games that were played on me are so hard to work through. Even more so With covid 19 going on churches and therapy are not available. The two things keep me so strong. Fighting the inner wounds have been so much harder and being in isolation all by myself. So I went to a friends house for the weekend. We had some wine and I became pretty emotional. To the point I broke no contact after 11 months of being strong. I called him and got the machine. So I tried again and again. 🤦🏻♀️ I felt so ashamed of myself. I never got him but I did leave a voice message. Just said his name and hung up. I’m sure he will know I was drinking as it was 2am. 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ I’m still trying to work through this hard denial thing at times. I know what I was put through was beyond wrong. However there is that part of me that wants to believe it was my fault he acted the way he did. As I was abusing him back. God help us all through this.
Yes! When I started writing down the "misunderstood" arguments, the gaslighting, the "you disgust me" comments every day it happened, the denial melted away and reality became clear. When I began to second guess myself all I had to do was look back at what I had written. Total game changer.
My Assorted Views Yes the trauma bond and cognitive dissonance are hard to deal with at times with COVID-19 going on it’s become even harder because a lot of us are in self isolation alone and don’t have the means anymore like church and therapy to help us remain strong so it’s becoming harder
This explains EXACTLY what I am going through right now. Slipping between whats real and what's not, complete lucidity then utter denial, leaving him, swearing to my family and friends that I will NEVER go back to him and cannot understand the weird sensation like I am a zombie when I completely fall for his hoovering tactics and end up driving myself back to his house, where the scene of such a traumatic incident happened over a week ago, I thought I would never ever return. But there it is, the complete neurological addiction. Just read Shahid Arabi's book "Fifty Shades of Narcissism: Your Brain on Love, Sex and the Narcissist: The Biochemical Bonds That Create an Addiction to Our Abusers". She really explains it so well, can highly recommend. I used to think that it would be easier if I waited till he finally discarded me but I am realising that this is actually more dangerous because it enforces these biochemical bonds even further. No contact is the only way. Thank-you for your channel, you speak so clearly and are really helping a lot of people understand this terrible condition.
+Unicorn Chameleon You're welcome. I'm happy my videos are helping you! I have heard about Shahid's new book and I need to get it. Thanks for the reminder! You are right. NC is the ideal way because going back just makes it worse. Big hug to you!
OMG. Thank you Meredith for helping me reach my own OMG moment. I've always considered myself a strong person and never thought I'd be a victim. Your videos have helped me understand why I broke away from, and then come back to my toxic relationship 7 times. What I thought was love was really an addiction, and my coming back so many times was subconscious denial. Each time I kept thinking that she'd change or realize her role in our blow ups, now I realize that she is not capable of accepting responsibility and will always project her faults onto me. She will always think she's the victim and I am 100% at fault. I now see my own denial as a subconsious survival mechanism, and my own addiction to the toxic relationship is a result of loneliness. You've given me the ability to stay away this time. You are obviously a survivor and have walked this path yourself, and have helped countless other people like me to find our way out. Thank you for all the positivity and knowledge you've shared with the world... Thank you so much!
Thank you so much. This video has really put in perspective a lot of things I couldn't explain. I've been no contact for about three weeks and this cycle has been going on for about three years. Only this time i am feeling different. Quite detached from him. And I believe I had a breakthrough as you described so perfectly. It usually took me being abused physically or a blow out fight for me to leave. This time I was confident that I wanted and needed to leave. He was trying so hard to be nice and sweet. Only I. Felt no sympathy for him. Actually I was extremely sickened by the sight of him. So i am proud to say I hugged him goodbye and just left. . Thank you thank you thank you for speaking out and sharing your stories and expertise. It helps to know that what in going through is not all my fault and that i am not entirely crazy. I know that the hoovering is not over yet but keeping my distance and continuing to heal doesn't seem so far out of reach. Xoxoxo
Ive gone through all the phases with my recent ex, but now Im starting to see the abuse from past relationships and my father and it just seems like too much to take right now. Im angry and tired from it. It feels like Ive never been truly loved and im damaged. I feel a little broken right now and don't know how to start life over. It's almost like my entire life was not real. It's easy to accept the bad memories as such, but to think that even the good memories were not genuine is a hard reality to take in. Theere are so many levels to this thing . Thank you for your videos. They have kept me strong during this
There really are many levels to the abuse and the recovery. Adult relationships bring up the unresolved childhood stuff. I'm sorry it hurts so much right now. It can and will get better as you do inner work to heal yourself from the past and generate a sense of purpose that magnetizes you forward. I don't know if you've heard my SANA 12-week audio series yet on my website but you may find a lot of valuable tips and insights in there for the self-healing process after narcissistic abuse. It's important to realize that just because they didn't love you, that doesn't mean you aren't lovable! You are lovable, they just didn't know how to love you. Big hug!
I saw your comment and encouragement on the way home today and I am not kidding when I say that this is the first day that I am truly happy and looking forward to the future. That these people can't touch me anymore and I am grateful for having to have gone through this. This is the beginning of the good part of healing and I've learned so much about myself in the process. I am at a new peace today and I want to say thank you for reaching out to me. You are right there are good people out there I can see them now. Sending you love
Thank you for this. I had a friend attack me for calling out the abuse. Saying my situation was “easier” than hers and that’s why I escaped. She is stuck in her relationship 😭😭😭 rationalizing what is happening.
Your videos have been an incredible eye opener and helped me so much already. Still shocked by how little I knew about narcissistic abuse yet I've probably lived with it all of my entire 50+ years. Thank you for giving me hope, Meredith. I've now taken the first step towards recovery and intend to do all of your courses in due time.
When you talked about that cathartic moment of clarity, I felt the tension in my chest open up and my breath soften. I've had so many of these breakthroughs from denial, but I feel there are more left to go. It's like I am constantly in a state of cognitive dissonance and have been since childhood. Always ruminating, trying to fit it all together. But that's the problem. I'm working with multiple puzzles. The pieces don't fit, because they come from different stories. Some of the stories are lies, and some are the truth. You've given me hope that I can be whole again.
Thank you soooo much for your video. I have finally finished the hoovering stage. Its been 19yrs of you know what. I will be sharing your video with my daughter to help her understand why it has been so hard to go. He is finally buying me out of our house, got a train ticket and staying with my daughter. So happy to have penetrated that last chunk of denial. No one should have to go through this. These narcs are really twisted and inhumane people! Sorry such a Beautiful person like you had to suffer. Sending you my love and again thank you.
+Robin Jessop I'm so happy to hear that my video helped you and very happy that you got out to start your life over. 19 years is a long time to go through it. You are strong and brave! Now you have your whole life ahead of you to enjoy.
Meredith - I dont write comments often - but I need to say: your level of understanding and communicating your knowledge and experiences out is profoundly deep. I am so very grateful for ur sharing and ur heartfelt work. Thank you so so much - I think even some of my friends will understand me better after this video I shared with them😊❤🙏🏼
Thanks for this video. It has reinforced my understanding of trauma bonding. I am currently struggling with my decision of no contact with a family member who I have found to be abusive. After about 5 manipulative messages, I then got one that sounded friendly and kind. I went straight into doubting myself and feeling bad for my decision that I need no contact. Also the fear of the consequences is playing a part.
Your words "slipped under the veil of denial" are resonating with me. I realized, about two years ago, when the pain of dealing with my narc boyfriend and my narc mom, became so big for me, that I was accessing info and then 'forgetting' it almost immediately. It was almost as if I was under a spell. I was curious about this forgotten information because I have an excellent memory, in general. But when I would stumble on gems of information, epiphanies, I would soon 'forget' or unconsciously deny, or whatever. This idea brought me back to the movie, Memento. The main character forgot his own experience on a daily basis and was therefore trapped in a mental fog. Determined to live( and not just survive), I started writing my ideas and observations, and dreams/visions down to build a sense of self, I think, after being codependent and manipulated and attacked and beaten down for so long. I started writing every day. I filled several notebooks with my own thoughts and imaginings. I think this was key in trying to rebuild myself. I love this quote and posted it in my room, "Before you decide you are depressed, make sure that you are not surrounded by a-holes" :-)
Gisele excellent quote! I '' post it too, if u don't mind - I 've been doing the writing for 2 years now, yet there 's always room for more words and reminders!.. I wish everyone a good healing..!!!
There are a handful of people on youtube that make videos about abuse that I really admire. You are among one of them and what I like most about your videos is that you dig deep into the hard questions and address what is going on in victims minds on a much deeper level than most people do. I think so many victims beat themselves up because they know they want to end this crap but subconsciously they go on tolerating the crap. I started NC yesterday, I'm weary of how well I'll stick to it but so far I have convinced myself I have no reason to contact my ex other than to feed my need to temporarily feel better which in end will make me feel worse. I have a friend also in an mentally abusive relationship. One day she'll say how awful she feels with tears lining her checks and a day later she will be back to "oh, I'm just dramatic...me and *blank* are fine." A week later a blowout will happen and all the friends with show up at her place for support and the same conversation takes place. Many friends have grown tired of it. I want to explain to some of them the complexity of what is happening but they just don't understand and I don't expect them to. I think it does more damage to her to speak to everyone than she thinks. When the time is right I want to introduce her to your videos because I know they have helped me :) Thank so much!
+Rosie 1414 You're welcome! Good job on the decision to go NC!! I know it's hard but you will see how effective it is. It's truly the center pin around which the entire recover process is based. Today's SANA Q&A brought up this topic several times during the session. I'm about to upload it. I also uploaded two videos last week about "how to help a victim of narcissistic abuse" which might be helpful for your friend situation. Big hug!
I was with my ex for 9 years. I had at least a dozen people tell me I was being abused, and I lashed out at them. I defended my ex. I left her twice, but went right back to her. I came up with all kinds of ways to measure it and evaluate it. Nothing got me out of it. It was the worst and most agonizing cycle. I have been away from her for 6 years, and I have only just recently admitted that she was abusive. I was still cycling through this, even after it was over.
It is so hard to admit that to ourselves, "I was abused." Until we truly face and accept that it was abuse, it's hard to move forward. We gotta call it out for what it is so the healing work can begin. Big hug!
This video is brilliant. It covers so much. I couldn't understand the physical and psychological effects. It so far from who I am until I got involved with him. No more energy to be wasted.
+Sinceresouljah Thank you. I tried to make a complicated thing like trauma-bonding as simple as possible. I think at some point, none of us understood what was happening and how we lost ourselves. Exactly, no more energy to be wasted!
Dear Meredith, you really have a very concrete, on- target, spot on description and explanation of this type of abuse. Thank you, it's more than validationm its life-saving.!
Omg!!! This is exactly what I'm going through right now. I have amnesia of the majority of evidence I'd previously accrued. Baffling. My brain still wonders if actually she's just normal, but perhaps a little insecure or low self-esteem etc.... crazy. When in reality she's ramped up her mind games no end.
I am brought to tears by the reality of my denial... the rollercoaster ride that I have been on.. my wake up finally came during councelling. . This week... it was like You said OMG... how could I.. HOW COULD I allow myself to believe I was so worthless!!!!to be controlled. .. No more !! Enough! ! This video explains so deeply thoughts and feelings that I could not make sense of .. I thank you Meredith ..from deep in my heart where the small light of hope still shines... !!! Your videos are my saving grace... much love to you xx
Thankyou so much for this video. It explains so accurately describes what I've been dealing with for over 4 years now. After 25 years of living with a sociopath, I finally reached the point of leaving him again. I wanted to make this the last time I would return to him. After I left, I started researching the causes of our chaotic relationship and discovered what had happened. Its been tough, but I have finally broken thru the denial barrier you mentioned. Now, I can begin the recovery process. Your video's are a blessing for those of us that need answers.
It is so true that when you are a child, in an abusive situation with your family, the best means of survival is denial. You can't escape and so you imagine a new reality to describe your environment. Instead of a painful, threatening environment, you believe that you are safe. You choose to love your abuser. All of your emotions of anger, fear, desperation, and extreme anxiety are suppressed. You feel nothing, you are essentially numb to your feelings. It takes a tremendous amount of work to regain your feelings and be able to lift the veil of denial. But healing is possible and denial is not inevitable. Waking up to the truth is the path to healing. Thank you Meredith for this eye opening video. You are amazing!!
Thank you for your presentations, and this one in particular. Your clear cut on the issue, dicing and slicing it to the digestible pieces is BRILLIANT. Absolutely brilliant and to the point video. Thank you so much for all you do I wish I had discovered you few years ago. you are a blessing. Truly you are.
Best video ever for piercing denial on this topic. I keep rewatching it whenever I slip back into denial and illusion and start doubt myself. Very painful, but it is better to know the truth... Thank you, Meredith.
You're an amazing speaker and inspiration! Thank you!! I binge watch your videos to give me the strength to heal from my narcissist ex-boyfriend. It's been just over 3 weeks and it's really hard. I am so happy to know what to expect and that everything I've been through is typical narcissistic behavior. It is shocking! I pray for strength every minute of the day to heal.
You really captured this ride when you talked about how you remembered a red flag, but then forgot about it, but you knew it was there, you just forgot to remember, that is where I have been so many times. As I trudge along day by day, trying to figure out why I go back, I get a lot of good information such as this video, I have not heard it quite put like that, but this is exactly what I’ve been going through in ONE year, believe it or not. He wasn’t the only narcissist I dated, that’s why I was able to stop at one year and 3 months. The first one took 4 years to see because of my denial. This is very breakthrough material for me, thank you Meredith, you have such a kind and loving soul, and I know that if you didn’t go through it, you couldn’t have been putting out this unbelievable yet very accurate content. You definitely know your stuff, thank you for taking the time to research, gather information, delve into this phenomenal syndrome. I am now in therapy doing the BPT(behavioral processing therapy) and I have only been to one session, but I already believe I uncovered some childhood issues, that I never even thought of before. I’m going to be free if this for good. ❤️ love and light. Thank you!
Another amazing video. I love the way you explain the inexplicable. Thank you for REALLY "getting it". Thank you for doing the empirical and anecdotal work for us. Sometimes I don't feel like I am ever going to get over this. Your work gives me hope.
You're welcome. I'm happy my work is helpful for you. You will get through this and you'll come out stronger and braver than you ever thought you were!
Oh wow! This is the insane cycle I've been living! Thank you Meredith, thank you!! You bring me clarity and strength and often to tears. I know the reasons that I left but I forget them sometimes and miss him. The part where you said reliving moments in your mind keeps you trauma connected to them, really really hit home! I am so grateful for you! If I didn't have such an aversion to Skype, I'd be getting some one on one therapy!Lol God bless you 💖
Thank you Meredith. A lot of threads woven together in this video. Very useful when one needs that little push to finally kick the denial, but as you say, you have to be ready to hear it from yourself, no amount of outside screaming at you to get away from the abuse will work if you have not reached that stage in your personal growth. The problem here is that energy for growth is severely limited when you’re in an abusive situation, you are literally in survival mode (Stockholm Syndrome) so it can take years to finally have that omg moment. I wonder if there is an evolutionary advantage to Stockholm Syndrome, did women trauma bond with strong (abusive) hunters for their survival, or is it more useful to talk about addiction. For victims, remember, they do not love, they use you (you are as good as any other source of supply) get strong by talking to whoever will listen and reading as much as you can on narcissism, and get out. Thank you once again Meredith x
Recently figured out my father is an altruistic, (very) passive aggressive covert narcissist. My mom left him 18 yrs ago, and she is also realized this too. It is helping us be able to finally heal!!!! Thank you for all your videos and all you do. Like I’ve read in the comments many times, thanks for existing
Thank you so much Merridith this one is very powerful and need more of these messages for those people on the cusp of leaving or in the withdrawal stage .... xo
You're so pretty, and intelligent and clearly have a kind heart. You can find the best most healthy man out there. So there must be something that causes even a meager person like myself to become attracted to the rage coupled with fear. It is an intoxicating lust that is addictive as you said, but how to break out of the addiction. I am strong willed and have been basically holding my breathe for as long as I can until I break down and end up going back. I know all of the causes and what is going on I'm at least past that stage. I have conquered other addictions and they usually just fizzle out, but this is at the core of my being. I think it's a matter of Love or Lust. Compassion or Envy, I gotta break free from the poisonous Envy venom that runs through my veins. Forgive and Forget ? Easier said than done.
After Listening to Meredith inform, nurture and truly validate the most lovely, compassionate brave hurt souls in these comments. Thank you Meredith for your work. Each soul is so big it can fill room. Get to know your personal soul. Love that soul, it loves you so much. Guard it with your life.
This video is so excellent! I'm so happy I found your channel. I've been flip flopping between clarity and denial for almost 2.5 years as I've planned my "escape." It's been agony. I am finally going no contact. I feel pretty beat down right now, but you give me hope.
I just want you to know that when I was scratching my head and reeling in pain, after 3 years of torture... Your videos here were the first I had seen & They helped me figure out what was going on..Everything you have said was a text of my relationship. With that being said, I say Thank You from the bottom of me heart.. There were times I didn't think I would live through it.. Thank you for being here & sharing all this information.. You really must be an angel. P.S. I share your videos everywhere ( Narcissist recovery facebook pages) & I refer people to you all the time .Thank you again.
I have been listening to these videos for 9 months now... and all of you have helped with peeling different layers....I am so grateful to all of you... very validating and helpful and loving.... I have come a long way with the help of all of you.... listening to Psychopath Free... kept me stunned... the entire book was my nightmare.... exactly like it happened....
The Target should get to the point when they would say "Enough IS enough" The Target should be Familiar with the Narcissist long enough to RECOGNIZE what the Narcissist is up to. And be able to decide Firmly to stop taking back the Narcissist.
DjDeb bond You will Know When you are a Target when Suddenly a person IS INTERESTED in You Too Much & More than The Normal Interest that you get from other People than Before...
Part of his smear campaign was telling his FB harem that, he gave Me the "closeness". I never had B4 Lol 😂 He wouldn't give Me ANY privacy, even in the bthrm
You said it all! 👏😊 I'm new to no contact but getting mixed feelings. He has texted & clld. I didn't reply but it's weird. The denial you speak of is what's going on. Over 12 yrs of narc abuse. Been beyond hell. Finding these videos solidified research I've done on NPD. There's definitely instinctual feelings lately. Increased panic attacks. Nightmares. Hiding. Memories. I like your mention of withdrawal from the abuser. True yet making my own videos has empowered me allot. Breaking that bond! My heart goes out to all abuse victims.❤ Narc abuse is just evil.
+Melanie Doll Good job initiating No contact :) 12 years is a long time. You are strong and brave! Keep educating yourself on these topics around narcissistic abuse because knowledge is what awakens awareness and that is where your power to change your life comes from. The more aware you are of the possibilities and choices available to you, the easier it is to take action that supports your health and wellbeing. It sounds like the PTSD/C-PTSD symptoms are coming on lately. Those flashbacks and feelings are telling you where you need to look into your wounds in order to bring the light of awareness and take action that leads you into self-healing. Making your videos or writing or however you want to share your message is also deeply healing because everything you went through becomes meaningful and worth it when you can help someone else who is going through something very similar. The more you heal yourself, the more you will help others to heal themselves. When you focus on the Bigger Picture like that, it makes going back to the abuser look very, very unattractive ;)
Much appreciation for your reply. 😊 You are right about education on narc abuse being power. I'm strong inside I know it just get so doubtful or panicky about the future. Through art over the years & now making videos I am finding more worth. Hoping to educate & help others. I've seen the big picture. I needed courage to leave him... to get a kick from reality to finally heal. Move forward. I have questioned going back...back to WHAT?! I tell myself. If I want true health & happiness there's no going back. 👍
Dear winged gypsy. I couldn't help but comment & join in on what you just said!! My heart too, goes out to ANYONE that has been abused by a Narcissist!! You are so right; Narcissist Abuse is downright E V I L !!!!!
Thank you very much for putting so much information about this insidious dynamic out there. It is strange, but my intuition has naturally brought me to so many of these very same things and even found the precise same terminology to use in association with them over the years in coming to an awareness of my upbringing under a narcissistic mother. And you've said it a number of times in your videos but anyone who hasn't experienced it simply cannot relate with that feeling of being held hostage by someone who does "nice" things on the exterior level and gradually scrapes a victim hollow on the inside, until they can manage to no longer cling to their victimhood the way that the narcissist themselves does. It is EXTREMELY helpful to me just gaining some exterior validation of what I've experienced my entire life. And it is also very helpful to gain some insight and preview into what I may expect now that I have at long last gone no contact. I was thinking that I may still accept some minor communication with my father [definitely NOT my brother], but I am seeing now that I simply can't afford to do that. Anyway, thank you very much once again. Some day, at some point, I will definitely be joining you in the work of informing the general public of this terrible problem---once I can safely say that I am not only a survivor but I understand and have a command of its intricacies as well. First things first though, I have many personal problems to contend with and iron out before I can even think too much about that. I appreciate your being here in a way that is almost impossible to put into words!
Thank you! Major A-ha moment. This explains a lot. The past 30+ years (*i am 50) has been two failed marriages and relationships back to back. It’s time to just be me!
Anna Clark Was reading through the comments here- not often one sees "Goodness".. made me smile. By that, and your beautiful smile, I find it difficult to imagine anyone intentionally misleading someone of obviously pure heart. Then again, I would never expect someone to do that to me either! Hope you are still using the smile and spreading "Goodness" around! Bravo, you reaffirmed there are beautiful sweet people roaming around😇🙏🏻
Not everyone can quit cold turkey. That can lead to issues for them. Always remember to move forward even if it’s slow. It’s not failure if you have a set back. Write down a list of all the bs you’ve been through, all the hurt. Do it every day. Every time you have a set back. Every time youre getting sucked back in. An understanding of how the pieces fit together will come! Wean yourself off. My OMG moment was when the rollercoaster sped up so much that it became clear. The switch from push pull
You just described my entire process with my last relationship verbatim from beginning to end including the chemical detox and epiphany stage which is still unfolding as I write this.
I was released from my relationship when I took my kids on a fishing trip out of state for a week. Just us did it happen it was gone the addiction. I realized what was truly important and how he didn't love me or anything else. From another state he tried to ruin my trip with my children that was very important to me And something I had to do. I knew then in my heart and soul I hated him. I don't really hate but I am free. Even though people and my kids ( red light) did not like him I couldn't leave until I could if that makes any sence. I love my life and life i'm on a different road now but I still listen to these videos morning noon and night. Thank you for being there.
Wow, just wow. Your analysis is simply brilliant. Only last night I was trying to explain to my friend (whom I believe to be empathic), who I am struggling to coach through a situation with a narcissist ex-girlfriend (he actually co-signed on an apartment for her and lent her a car - you can guess how that worked out), how seductive the obviously insincere "good behavior" of my wife is (I maintain no contact except in matters dealing with our kids). In a few emails she has discovered the use of "Thank you" (and gratitude in general), and the word "love" which she never used in our marital home unless speaking to someone else. She is on her, by my count, 3rd spiritual enlightenment since she kicked me out. But seeing those words on the screen first feels vindicating, and then makes me wonder whether she is capable of change. Which makes me want to have a conversation with her, which I have resisted so far. Even before your video, I witnessed that by maintaining no contact, she eventually reveals her true abusive self eventually, out of frustrating at not getting what she wants, but for my very logical mind, it is very good to have a cogent explanation of why her song is like a Siren. On another note, I am now fascinated by the massive number of modern and historical popular (pop-culture?) references to narcissist personality disorder, yet nobody believes it exists. Specifically, I have been binging on Star Trek and The Twilight Zone and there are too many episodes dedicated to this personality type to to count, not to mention movies like Gaslight and The Picture of Dorian Grey, and for my money, movies concerning Dracula and vampires. How can there be so much institutional wisdom about this disorder, simultaneous mass denial about it?
Yes, denial is a big deal. I see it, and sometimes I don't believe I am doubting myself. Sometimes I see it and sometimes I think I got it wrong. I am working on it.
Stockholm Syndrome. Listening to this video helped me to remember what I think was the first time I did this and had no idea...Wow. It's not love. It's an addiction to trauma bonding.
Thank you so much. Right now I'm going through a roller coaster of emotions and I have had those aha! moments and then forget and then I feel some pain. It's like I'm going through withdrawal symptoms like an addict and I know I don't want to contact my family, but it is so hard at times feeling this gnawing pain. So thanks again. I really needed to here this.
I go in and out of denial. But clarity can only happen when I move through the feelings and realization of the truth. But also I am protecting myself too. So it is like you say, a process, and can only happen through steps of change and growth. This video is so exciting. It shows me how the child in me is still trying to protect me from all the stuff I could not make sense of. It is kind of sweet. Someone should make a movie! Maybe I will.
About to go NC with my narcissistic mother and I have to keep facing that my mother doesn't love me unconditionally. Have to brace myself for the smear campaign, and brace myself for the lonely path ahead of me, and just cut the cord. Notice I didn't decide to go NC overnight!! I have been going back and forth and wondering if there is another way. But I had such a revelation that NC is the only way for me to heal right now. Thanks for this.
This video is like a vaccine for my trauma bond. I feel like my experience never happened. Yes, this video was THAT affective! On the flip side- my past relationship experience failed but it gave light to underlying faults of mine. It has been an awakening of my inner self and wow, I am grateful to her for pointing them out to me. #selfimprovement #keepingmyword .
that money will live with me forever. i felt my gut wrench like i was being ripped apart from inside. and then after breakdown i was homeless and when i finally realized im never going back to that place ever again. now i have have my own place and youve been helping me so much. thank thank thank thank you
Spot on! Some moments I am sure he is a narcissist and sometimes I second guess myself. Did I overreact, maybe I'm exaggerating, we had awesome moments. It's crazy, he is manipulative and cold. I fear breaking Silent Treatment when I'm in denial.
Hard to accept that the "Hoover" is NOT something you as the victim are "receiving" as an olive branch or opportunity of an apology, reconciliation or anything that is "us" oriented; that in fact it, the Hoover is ONLY- for the abusers fragile ego. They've already burned through new supply, either primary or secondary, and ONLY because we were so loving and caring, they so desperately want that FEELING, we can give them to pull them out of themselves, their darkness, they come prowling around like Gollum lurking for his "precious". It's really sad. If they only knew they were enough as people, that someone CAN love them as they are, that nothing in their past really matters, if they could address it.. someone would hold their hand and heart and help them through that journey. But they can't, won't (at least the vast majority) and there is NOTHING we can give or say or do.. or be.. that would EVER be enough.
Talking AT me is not talking to me or talking with me. It's me listening while YOU get to say what they want.I feel held captive, I'm not allowed to interrupt or interject but always feel the need to defend myself. I feel attacked, put down, blamed, shamed, invalidated, minimized, discounted. I am practising observing his behavior and not absorbing it by not taking it to heart or not taking it personally. I practise observing from a third person viewpoint staying neutral. If you feel blamed/shamed and feel like you're getting the brunt of everything that's a clear indication that you're being emotionally dumped on. They unload on you and expect you to deal with it while they are free of any accountability. Uh no, that's not right. When you can't find the words, when you are feeling uneasy, uncomfortable, distraught, overwhelmed, confused, angry, whatever you're feeling it's okay to let your feet do the talking while you take the time to process your emotions. I Go where I am away from that person, situation and write my feelings down. Writing about the situation helps me see what I am experiencing if I can't find the words.
I was caught in this, getting screamed at for nothing then given nice food, nice treatment, gifts, jewellery even, after a particularly vicious attack. I realized, in the end, that it was toxic and started to get out, took me a long time and I lost my house in the process. Worth every penny. Heart-breaking to hear about the girls who went back for more because they got driven to the station. Very good video, thank you.
Yep, that's exactly how it goes. Good job getting out! I know what you mean by cutting your losses and knowing it was worth it to have your freedom again. Big hug!
Hi,its been three months no contact,im finding it hard to work and get out the house some days,im keeping fit,but my body is hurting all over and im finding it hard to sleep,thanks for the help from watching you videos michael
Natural Calm, a powder magnesium supplement really has helped me sleep. Another trick I do is when I wake up I talk to my inner child....yes, little Julie we left our parents...yes, little Julie, they are broken people...I am here for you, little Julie, I will keep you safe...stuff like that. After a few weeks of acknowledging my pain I no longer wake up...as often.
Its so complex and like you say - so many layers. There is the trauma bonding and also (this dawned on me a few months ago) the fact that you could not leave as a child. Your very survival was at stake and so you had to stay and put on a pretence that everything was ok. You had to disassociate and bury yourself in denial to get through it. The neural pathways of being able to walk away from abhorrent treatment were never formed. So again as an adult you walk into a mirror of that relationship and feel unable to leave. It's so counterintuitive. The same scene plays out in your adult life over and over until you learn to wake up and love yourself enough to make it stop.
"The neural pathways of being able to walk away from abhorrent treatment were never formed." YES EXACTLY! - so very well you articulated this! And I think on a very basic level this is exactly what the narco can "sniff out" even before there's been much interaction. Yes I too have been dealing with recovering from this abuse from childhood - bit by bit getting YOU back from them! First you have to reach a sort of tipping point where your eyes are opened (wake up from the programming) to see that you shouldn't and don't have to put up with such abuse. Then the real work can begin, but takes years.
J B I agree it’s still very true as a child I couldn’t walk away from abuse but I was in Doring from my mother and I repeated this in my adult relationships with intimate partners because I never knew what real love was I don’t think I’ve ever experienced real love only abuse and manipulation it’s hard for me to recognize what real life is other than what I see from people and healthy relationships I think all of my past relationships start it off with good intentions and then I just for gave and gave too many chances until things got really bad and had to end even the X narcissist Husband said in one of his last emails to me “after it takes years for you to regain your strength you can reach out to me as friends I will be friends with you” At the time I thought he was trying to be sweet now I view that statement is very condescending like he takes pleasure out of knowing that it is going to take me years to fully heal from everything he is right about that part it will take me years to heal from all the abuse that I suffered throughout my childhood my young adulthood and my adult hood and that is why I’ve chosen to stay single for the last 2 1/2 years and I will remain single until I feel fully healed and whole as a person as I want my next relationship to be healthy and not to complete me but to add to my life in a good positive way
"One day you're being abused, the next day she cooks you dinner" triggered a whole "Ta-Daaaa" with me. You've got yourself another subscriber ma'am. Thanks for taking the time to spell this out to people, I'd hazard a guess that you're probably saving few lives every week by letting people (male AND female) see they don't have only one way out.
Big hug!
She saved mine !
"he drove me to the train station............" that's it-right there in a nutshell.
so famished for crumbs, and those crumbs are everything.
brilliant video. you summed it up.
100%, thing is when one is a sensitive empath and makes this breakthrough and it's been no contact for years- the compassion to want to heal the abuser creeps back in, and the reality may soften so that forgiveness is there and it wasn't so bad. The hardest thing is to truly believe they one could be so dark that they did things on purpose. It's a lifelong struggle to not go back them.
This is very helpful. When you say the truth, that it isn't love. Your nervous system has learned to interpret that behaviour.. interaction as love. This is the first time that this has REALLY sunk in for me. So very glad that I watched this again. I have understood this intellectually at some level for quite a while.. and yet never really "got it". My nervous system learned "normal" as a child watching my parents abuse each other. NOW I get it!!!
Thank you for existing.
Aww. Big hug to you!
Seriously
I left him and he's now so wonderful and warm, more than ever. He sounds different, not like himself at all. It is scary in a way.. If the psychologist didn't tell me about narcism, I would probably have fallen for that. Yet still it hurts to get this attention now when I'm already gone and don't want to go back. I just feel better by myself and now I know he wouldn't be so nice for a long time. Even now he says mean things, covered with loving words. Like "you are stronger than you think" - it may seem nice, but it really means that I don't believe in myself and I need his reassurance.. Or "I've done everything you wanted, forgave you and you still can't forgive me? Forgiving would be good for you" - as if he had anything to forgive, I didn't do anything wrong, just left after one of his abusive behaviours. Those mean words are subtle but they assure me about his true intentions.
+Dorota Cieslinska Exactly. Trust in yourself. It's the subtlety of the phrases that appears so benign to the outsider. Only when you're in it (or have been through it) do you know exactly what that means. This is why victims can feel like they're going crazy because when they tell other people what happened, other people can't see the Big Picture and it appears like no big deal. This can further confuse a victim. It's good you realize what's loaded behind those words.
I was lucky to meet several women who understood instantly so I didn't have to explain those details. It was possible because they know me so if I say I feel terrible because of a man they don't try to convince me otherwise. Social support is very important. When I was talking to a lawyer, she didn't understand at all - "He didn't hit you, right? And he didn't tell you to do something wrong, so there is no crime". He thinks the same way. No visible marks = no evidences = nothing wrong. Forget and get over it. I'm catching myself wanting to meet him, but then I read about the narcissism or talk to a friend and that keeps me away. I'm going to have a child with him soon (I'm 9th month pregnant), so it would be even more tempting to go back.
Dorota Cieslinska You are strong and brave! It sounds like you have a great support network and they will help you heal. Big hug to you and the baby.
My boyfriend always said things about him forgiving me for what I'd done. He thought I abused him by bringing up the past, which were things he did to me. He said me bringing it up was hurtful and rude so he would threaten me or call me names. He threatened to share nude pictures with everyone I know because I "reduced him to nothing" by bringing up the past and he'll do the same to me if I keep hurting him like that. I never even sent him any pictures of myself either, he would take them against my wishes
"I hope next time [next relationship] you'll be happy." ; "You didn't let yourself be happy.''
You see, it was all my fault, I should've been happy, happy with triangulation and emotional abuse. Happy with utter emotional frigidity. Happy with being financially and emotionally exploited. Happy with them throwing their kid under the bus to get at me because they know I'm vulnerable to that, being an adult survivor of child abuse. Happy with a thousand deliberately baiting and provocatory statements. Happy feeling like this person had no sense of accountability to their past deeds, every moment being disconnected from every other.
It's precisely these types of subtle statements that in my experience do the most damage because they make you question your reality. A reality they incidentally couldn't care less about except to manipulate and wire-pull. It's hard to deprogram from this stuff. Best of luck, and remember it's okay to be alone.
The mind games that were played on me are so hard to work through. Even more so With covid 19 going on churches and therapy are not available. The two things keep me so strong.
Fighting the inner wounds have been so much harder and being in isolation all by myself.
So I went to a friends house for the weekend. We had some wine and I became pretty emotional. To the point I broke no contact after 11 months of being strong.
I called him and got the machine. So I tried again and again. 🤦🏻♀️ I felt so ashamed of myself. I never got him but I did leave a voice message. Just said his name and hung up. I’m sure he will know I was drinking as it was 2am. 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
I’m still trying to work through this hard denial thing at times. I know what I was put through was beyond wrong. However there is that part of me that wants to believe it was my fault he acted the way he did. As I was abusing him back.
God help us all through this.
My nervous system has interpreted this anxiety from my trauma bond as love...10 years and 4 kids i feel hopeless sometimes but your videos help me.
Yes! When I started writing down the "misunderstood" arguments, the gaslighting, the "you disgust me" comments every day it happened, the denial melted away and reality became clear. When I began to second guess myself all I had to do was look back at what I had written. Total game changer.
This was so validating. One of the best I've seen on this issue of the back and forth emotions we go through. Thank you so much..So..
You're welcome! I'm happy it's helpful for you.
+Inner Integration 👍
My Assorted Views Yes the trauma bond and cognitive dissonance are hard to deal with at times with COVID-19 going on it’s become even harder because a lot of us are in self isolation alone and don’t have the means anymore like church and therapy to help us remain strong so it’s becoming harder
This explains EXACTLY what I am going through right now. Slipping between whats real and what's not, complete lucidity then utter denial, leaving him, swearing to my family and friends that I will NEVER go back to him and cannot understand the weird sensation like I am a zombie when I completely fall for his hoovering tactics and end up driving myself back to his house, where the scene of such a traumatic incident happened over a week ago, I thought I would never ever return. But there it is, the complete neurological addiction. Just read Shahid Arabi's book "Fifty Shades of Narcissism: Your Brain on Love, Sex and the Narcissist: The Biochemical Bonds That Create an Addiction to Our Abusers". She really explains it so well, can highly recommend. I used to think that it would be easier if I waited till he finally discarded me but I am realising that this is actually more dangerous because it enforces these biochemical bonds even further. No contact is the only way. Thank-you for your channel, you speak so clearly and are really helping a lot of people understand this terrible condition.
+Unicorn Chameleon You're welcome. I'm happy my videos are helping you! I have heard about Shahid's new book and I need to get it. Thanks for the reminder! You are right. NC is the ideal way because going back just makes it worse. Big hug to you!
OMG. Thank you Meredith for helping me reach my own OMG moment. I've always considered myself a strong person and never thought I'd be a victim. Your videos have helped me understand why I broke away from, and then come back to my toxic relationship 7 times. What I thought was love was really an addiction, and my coming back so many times was subconscious denial. Each time I kept thinking that she'd change or realize her role in our blow ups, now I realize that she is not capable of accepting responsibility and will always project her faults onto me. She will always think she's the victim and I am 100% at fault. I now see my own denial as a subconsious survival mechanism, and my own addiction to the toxic relationship is a result of loneliness. You've given me the ability to stay away this time. You are obviously a survivor and have walked this path yourself, and have helped countless other people like me to find our way out. Thank you for all the positivity and knowledge you've shared with the world... Thank you so much!
Thank you so much. This video has really put in perspective a lot of things I couldn't explain. I've been no contact for about three weeks and this cycle has been going on for about three years. Only this time i am feeling different. Quite detached from him. And I believe I had a breakthrough as you described so perfectly. It usually took me being abused physically or a blow out fight for me to leave. This time I was confident that I wanted and needed to leave. He was trying so hard to be nice and sweet. Only I. Felt no sympathy for him. Actually I was extremely sickened by the sight of him. So i am proud to say I hugged him goodbye and just left. . Thank you thank you thank you for speaking out and sharing your stories and expertise. It helps to know that what in going through is not all my fault and that i am not entirely crazy. I know that the hoovering is not over yet but keeping my distance and continuing to heal doesn't seem so far out of reach. Xoxoxo
Ive gone through all the phases with my recent ex, but now Im starting to see the abuse from past relationships and my father and it just seems like too much to take right now. Im angry and tired from it. It feels like Ive never been truly loved and im damaged. I feel a little broken right now and don't know how to start life over. It's almost like my entire life was not real. It's easy to accept the bad memories as such, but to think that even the good memories were not genuine is a hard reality to take in. Theere are so many levels to this thing . Thank you for your videos. They have kept me strong during this
There really are many levels to the abuse and the recovery. Adult relationships bring up the unresolved childhood stuff. I'm sorry it hurts so much right now. It can and will get better as you do inner work to heal yourself from the past and generate a sense of purpose that magnetizes you forward. I don't know if you've heard my SANA 12-week audio series yet on my website but you may find a lot of valuable tips and insights in there for the self-healing process after narcissistic abuse. It's important to realize that just because they didn't love you, that doesn't mean you aren't lovable! You are lovable, they just didn't know how to love you. Big hug!
I saw your comment and encouragement on the way home today and I am not kidding when I say that this is the first day that I am truly happy and looking forward to the future. That these people can't touch me anymore and I am grateful for having to have gone through this. This is the beginning of the good part of healing and I've learned so much about myself in the process. I am at a new peace today and I want to say thank you for reaching out to me. You are right there are good people out there I can see them now. Sending you love
you are and would be blessing to so many hurt persons.
+Monir Khan Thank you!
Thank you for this. I had a friend attack me for calling out the abuse. Saying my situation was “easier” than hers and that’s why I escaped. She is stuck in her relationship 😭😭😭 rationalizing what is happening.
Your videos have been an incredible eye opener and helped me so much already. Still shocked by how little I knew about narcissistic abuse yet I've probably lived with it all of my entire 50+ years. Thank you for giving me hope, Meredith. I've now taken the first step towards recovery and intend to do all of your courses in due time.
When you talked about that cathartic moment of clarity, I felt the tension in my chest open up and my breath soften. I've had so many of these breakthroughs from denial, but I feel there are more left to go. It's like I am constantly in a state of cognitive dissonance and have been since childhood. Always ruminating, trying to fit it all together.
But that's the problem. I'm working with multiple puzzles. The pieces don't fit, because they come from different stories. Some of the stories are lies, and some are the truth.
You've given me hope that I can be whole again.
Thank you soooo much for your video. I have finally finished the hoovering stage. Its been 19yrs of you know what. I will be sharing your video with my daughter to help her understand why it has been so hard to go. He is finally buying me out of our house, got a train ticket and staying with my daughter. So happy to have penetrated that last chunk of denial. No one should have to go through this. These narcs are really twisted and inhumane people! Sorry such a Beautiful person like you had to suffer. Sending you my love and again thank you.
+Robin Jessop I'm so happy to hear that my video helped you and very happy that you got out to start your life over. 19 years is a long time to go through it. You are strong and brave! Now you have your whole life ahead of you to enjoy.
Meredith - I dont write comments often - but I need to say: your level of understanding and communicating your knowledge and experiences out is profoundly deep. I am so very grateful for ur sharing and ur heartfelt work. Thank you so so much - I think even some of my friends will understand me better after this video I shared with them😊❤🙏🏼
Thanks for this video. It has reinforced my understanding of trauma bonding. I am currently struggling with my decision of no contact with a family member who I have found to be abusive. After about 5 manipulative messages, I then got one that sounded friendly and kind. I went straight into doubting myself and feeling bad for my decision that I need no contact. Also the fear of the consequences is playing a part.
Your words "slipped under the veil of denial" are resonating with me. I realized, about two years ago, when the pain of dealing with my narc boyfriend and my narc mom, became so big for me, that I was accessing info and then 'forgetting' it almost immediately. It was almost as if I was under a spell. I was curious about this forgotten information because I have an excellent memory, in general. But when I would stumble on gems of information, epiphanies, I would soon 'forget' or unconsciously deny, or whatever. This idea brought me back to the movie, Memento. The main character forgot his own experience on a daily basis and was therefore trapped in a mental fog. Determined to live( and not just survive), I started writing my ideas and observations, and dreams/visions down to build a sense of self, I think, after being codependent and manipulated and attacked and beaten down for so long. I started writing every day. I filled several notebooks with my own thoughts and imaginings. I think this was key in trying to rebuild myself. I love this quote and posted it in my room, "Before you decide you are depressed, make sure that you are not surrounded by a-holes" :-)
It is much like a spell or hypnosis. That was a great movie! Good work with your daily writing! I love that quote too.
Gisele excellent quote! I '' post it too, if u don't mind - I 've been doing the writing for 2 years now, yet there 's always room for more words and reminders!.. I wish everyone a good healing..!!!
There are a handful of people on youtube that make videos about abuse that I really admire. You are among one of them and what I like most about your videos is that you dig deep into the hard questions and address what is going on in victims minds on a much deeper level than most people do. I think so many victims beat themselves up because they know they want to end this crap but subconsciously they go on tolerating the crap. I started NC yesterday, I'm weary of how well I'll stick to it but so far I have convinced myself I have no reason to contact my ex other than to feed my need to temporarily feel better which in end will make me feel worse. I have a friend also in an mentally abusive relationship. One day she'll say how awful she feels with tears lining her checks and a day later she will be back to "oh, I'm just dramatic...me and *blank* are fine." A week later a blowout will happen and all the friends with show up at her place for support and the same conversation takes place. Many friends have grown tired of it. I want to explain to some of them the complexity of what is happening but they just don't understand and I don't expect them to. I think it does more damage to her to speak to everyone than she thinks. When the time is right I want to introduce her to your videos because I know they have helped me :) Thank so much!
+Rosie 1414 You're welcome! Good job on the decision to go NC!! I know it's hard but you will see how effective it is. It's truly the center pin around which the entire recover process is based. Today's SANA Q&A brought up this topic several times during the session. I'm about to upload it. I also uploaded two videos last week about "how to help a victim of narcissistic abuse" which might be helpful for your friend situation. Big hug!
I was with my ex for 9 years. I had at least a dozen people tell me I was being abused, and I lashed out at them. I defended my ex.
I left her twice, but went right back to her.
I came up with all kinds of ways to measure it and evaluate it. Nothing got me out of it.
It was the worst and most agonizing cycle.
I have been away from her for 6 years, and I have only just recently admitted that she was abusive. I was still cycling through this, even after it was over.
It is so hard to admit that to ourselves, "I was abused." Until we truly face and accept that it was abuse, it's hard to move forward. We gotta call it out for what it is so the healing work can begin. Big hug!
Thank you so much!! You are just amazing.
"Let me fall if I must. The one I will become will catch me." -Baal Shem Tov Thank you for helping me to become that one.
My mom literally said “I feel like you are escaping me” when I shut off my emotions to her.
This video is brilliant. It covers so much. I couldn't understand the physical and psychological effects. It so far from who I am until I got involved with him. No more energy to be wasted.
+Sinceresouljah Thank you. I tried to make a complicated thing like trauma-bonding as simple as possible. I think at some point, none of us understood what was happening and how we lost ourselves. Exactly, no more energy to be wasted!
I’ve suffered so much emotional abuse I can’t think straight enough to find work
Dear Meredith, you really have a very concrete, on- target, spot on description and explanation of this type of abuse. Thank you, it's more than validationm its life-saving.!
Omg!!! This is exactly what I'm going through right now. I have amnesia of the majority of evidence I'd previously accrued. Baffling. My brain still wonders if actually she's just normal, but perhaps a little insecure or low self-esteem etc.... crazy. When in reality she's ramped up her mind games no end.
Phenomenal!!!
I want to send this video to everyone who has had the nerve to say "well if you go back you deserve what you get!"
I am brought to tears by the reality of my denial... the rollercoaster ride that I have been on.. my wake up finally came during councelling. . This week... it was like You said OMG... how could I.. HOW COULD I allow myself to believe I was so worthless!!!!to be controlled. .. No more !! Enough! ! This video explains so deeply thoughts and feelings that I could not make sense of
.. I thank you Meredith ..from deep in my heart where the small light of hope still shines... !!! Your videos are my saving grace... much love to you xx
Thankyou so much for this video. It explains so accurately describes what I've been dealing with for over 4 years now. After 25 years of living with a sociopath, I finally reached the point of leaving him again. I wanted to make this the last time I would return to him. After I left, I started researching the causes of our chaotic relationship and discovered what had happened. Its been tough, but I have finally broken thru the denial barrier you mentioned. Now, I can begin the recovery process. Your video's are
a blessing for those of us that need answers.
Big hug!
It is so true that when you are a child, in an abusive situation with your family, the best means of survival is denial. You can't escape and so you imagine a new reality to describe your environment. Instead of a painful, threatening environment, you believe that you are safe. You choose to love your abuser. All of your emotions of anger, fear, desperation, and extreme anxiety are suppressed. You feel nothing, you are essentially numb to your feelings. It takes a tremendous amount of work to regain your feelings and be able to lift the veil of denial. But healing is possible and denial is not inevitable. Waking up to the truth is the path to healing. Thank you Meredith for this eye opening video. You are amazing!!
The ENTIRE twin flame community should watch this video.
Thank you for your presentations, and this one in particular.
Your clear cut on the issue, dicing and slicing it to the digestible pieces is BRILLIANT.
Absolutely brilliant and to the point video.
Thank you so much for all you do
I wish I had discovered you few years ago.
you are a blessing. Truly you are.
Best video ever for piercing denial on this topic. I keep rewatching it whenever I slip back into denial and illusion and start doubt myself. Very painful, but it is better to know the truth... Thank you, Meredith.
You're an amazing speaker and inspiration! Thank you!! I binge watch your videos to give me the strength to heal from my narcissist ex-boyfriend. It's been just over 3 weeks and it's really hard. I am so happy to know what to expect and that everything I've been through is typical narcissistic behavior. It is shocking! I pray for strength every minute of the day to heal.
I'm new and this was validating and puts the rubber stamp on my walking papers
+Catalina MaGoo Good job! It will be worth it.
Thank you so much for saying all the things you said. You are such a huge blessing.
You really captured this ride when you talked about how you remembered a red flag, but then forgot about it, but you knew it was there, you just forgot to remember, that is where I have been so many times. As I trudge along day by day, trying to figure out why I go back, I get a lot of good information such as this video, I have not heard it quite put like that, but this is exactly what I’ve been going through in ONE year, believe it or not. He wasn’t the only narcissist I dated, that’s why I was able to stop at one year and 3 months. The first one took 4 years to see because of my denial. This is very breakthrough material for me, thank you Meredith, you have such a kind and loving soul, and I know that if you didn’t go through it, you couldn’t have been putting out this unbelievable yet very accurate content. You definitely know your stuff, thank you for taking the time to research, gather information, delve into this phenomenal syndrome. I am now in therapy doing the BPT(behavioral processing therapy) and I have only been to one session, but I already believe I uncovered some childhood issues, that I never even thought of before. I’m going to be free if this for good. ❤️ love and light. Thank you!
The denial was absolutely the worst. I KNEW better! Education on what's happend has been my best tool.
Your videos are amazing and you have a lovely way of articulating this horrible addition that's so difficult to break. Thank you 💖
Big hug, Nicola!
You are heaven sent Meredith. You just explained my whole entire life.
This is EXACTLY on point. Thank you for taking the time to do these videos. This was unbelievably accurate.
Another amazing video. I love the way you explain the inexplicable. Thank you for REALLY "getting it". Thank you for doing the empirical and anecdotal work for us. Sometimes I don't feel like I am ever going to get over this. Your work gives me hope.
You're welcome. I'm happy my work is helpful for you. You will get through this and you'll come out stronger and braver than you ever thought you were!
Oh wow! This is the insane cycle I've been living! Thank you Meredith, thank you!! You bring me clarity and strength and often to tears. I know the reasons that I left but I forget them sometimes and miss him. The part where you said reliving moments in your mind keeps you trauma connected to them, really really hit home! I am so grateful for you! If I didn't have such an aversion to Skype, I'd be getting some one on one therapy!Lol God bless you 💖
Thank you Meredith. A lot of threads woven together in this video. Very useful when one needs that little push to finally kick the denial, but as you say, you have to be ready to hear it from yourself, no amount of outside screaming at you to get away from the abuse will work if you have not reached that stage in your personal growth. The problem here is that energy for growth is severely limited when you’re in an abusive situation, you are literally in survival mode (Stockholm Syndrome) so it can take years to finally have that omg moment. I wonder if there is an evolutionary advantage to Stockholm Syndrome, did women trauma bond with strong (abusive) hunters for their survival, or is it more useful to talk about addiction. For victims, remember, they do not love, they use you (you are as good as any other source of supply) get strong by talking to whoever will listen and reading as much as you can on narcissism, and get out. Thank you once again Meredith x
Recently figured out my father is an altruistic, (very) passive aggressive covert narcissist.
My mom left him 18 yrs ago, and she is also realized this too. It is helping us be able to finally heal!!!! Thank you for all your videos and all you do. Like I’ve read in the comments many times, thanks for existing
The"Piercing the Denial" video was fascinating& so validating!Thank you for being SO incredibly helpful& wonderful!!You are such a gift!🌟
I appreciate you! Happy the video was helpful.
I once fell down laughing. I did not think it was possible but it is. I was laughing at myself.
An ultimate A-ha moment.
Thank you so much Merridith this one is very powerful and need more of these messages for those people on the cusp of leaving or in the withdrawal stage .... xo
You're so pretty, and intelligent and clearly have a kind heart. You can find the best most healthy man out there. So there must be something that causes even a meager person like myself to become attracted to the rage coupled with fear. It is an intoxicating lust that is addictive as you said, but how to break out of the addiction. I am strong willed and have been basically holding my breathe for as long as I can until I break down and end up going back. I know all of the causes and what is going on I'm at least past that stage. I have conquered other addictions and they usually just fizzle out, but this is at the core of my being. I think it's a matter of Love or Lust. Compassion or Envy, I gotta break free from the poisonous Envy venom that runs through my veins. Forgive and Forget ? Easier said than done.
After Listening to Meredith inform, nurture and truly validate the most lovely, compassionate brave hurt souls in these comments. Thank you Meredith for your work. Each soul is so big it can fill room. Get to know your personal soul. Love that soul, it loves you so much. Guard it with your life.
This video is so excellent! I'm so happy I found your channel. I've been flip flopping between clarity and denial for almost 2.5 years as I've planned my "escape." It's been agony. I am finally going no contact. I feel pretty beat down right now, but you give me hope.
I just want you to know that when I was scratching my head and reeling in pain, after 3 years of torture... Your videos here were the first I had seen & They helped me figure out what was going on..Everything you have said was a text of my relationship. With that being said, I say Thank You from the bottom of me heart.. There were times I didn't think I would live through it.. Thank you for being here & sharing all this information.. You really must be an angel. P.S. I share your videos everywhere ( Narcissist recovery facebook pages) & I refer people to you all the time .Thank you again.
Thank you for your service, I have a friend struggling right now and I sent this video to her. I hope she watches it.
I have been listening to these videos for 9 months now... and all of you have helped with peeling different layers....I am so grateful to all of you... very validating and helpful and loving.... I have come a long way with the help of all of you....
listening to Psychopath Free... kept me stunned... the entire book was my nightmare.... exactly like it happened....
Thank you soooo much for this video! I really needed to hear all of this. You are such a blessing, Meredith!
This video is so, so important. It is a painful journey but a lesson that I will never be able to forget. Moving on....
The Target should get to the point when they would say "Enough IS enough"
The Target should be Familiar with the Narcissist long enough to RECOGNIZE what the Narcissist is up to. And be able to decide Firmly to stop taking back the Narcissist.
Carlos Paradox should being the operative word here.
Dont should yourself,too shaming,if you dont know,you dont know.i didnt
DjDeb bond
You will Know When you are a Target when Suddenly a person IS INTERESTED in You Too Much & More than The Normal Interest that you get from other People than Before...
Part of his smear campaign was telling his FB harem that, he gave Me the "closeness". I never had B4
Lol 😂 He wouldn't give Me ANY privacy, even in the bthrm
Your so right when it happens it will just happen. You can’t force it as it’s realization to ones self.
Thank you! it's as if you took the words right out of my mouth and spoke them so that I could understand . This is the piece that I needed! OMG!
I am astounded that you know about the Groundhog day effect spoken of at 15:21. lol I thought I was the only one this happens to.
You said it all! 👏😊
I'm new to no contact but getting mixed feelings. He has texted & clld. I didn't reply but it's weird.
The denial you speak of is what's going on. Over 12 yrs of narc abuse. Been beyond hell.
Finding these videos solidified research I've done on NPD. There's definitely instinctual feelings lately. Increased panic attacks. Nightmares. Hiding. Memories.
I like your mention of withdrawal from the abuser. True yet making my own videos has empowered me allot. Breaking that bond!
My heart goes out to all abuse victims.❤
Narc abuse is just evil.
+Melanie Doll Good job initiating No contact :) 12 years is a long time. You are strong and brave! Keep educating yourself on these topics around narcissistic abuse because knowledge is what awakens awareness and that is where your power to change your life comes from. The more aware you are of the possibilities and choices available to you, the easier it is to take action that supports your health and wellbeing. It sounds like the PTSD/C-PTSD symptoms are coming on lately. Those flashbacks and feelings are telling you where you need to look into your wounds in order to bring the light of awareness and take action that leads you into self-healing. Making your videos or writing or however you want to share your message is also deeply healing because everything you went through becomes meaningful and worth it when you can help someone else who is going through something very similar. The more you heal yourself, the more you will help others to heal themselves. When you focus on the Bigger Picture like that, it makes going back to the abuser look very, very unattractive ;)
Much appreciation for your reply. 😊 You are right about education on narc abuse being power. I'm strong inside I know it just get so doubtful or panicky about the future.
Through art over the years & now making videos I am finding more worth. Hoping to educate & help others.
I've seen the big picture. I needed courage to leave him... to get a kick from reality to finally heal. Move forward.
I have questioned going back...back to WHAT?! I tell myself. If I want true health & happiness there's no going back. 👍
Dear winged gypsy. I couldn't help but comment & join in on what you just said!! My heart too, goes out to ANYONE that has been abused by a Narcissist!! You are so right; Narcissist Abuse is downright E V I L !!!!!
Thank you very much for putting so much information about this insidious dynamic out there. It is strange, but my intuition has naturally brought me to so many of these very same things and even found the precise same terminology to use in association with them over the years in coming to an awareness of my upbringing under a narcissistic mother. And you've said it a number of times in your videos but anyone who hasn't experienced it simply cannot relate with that feeling of being held hostage by someone who does "nice" things on the exterior level and gradually scrapes a victim hollow on the inside, until they can manage to no longer cling to their victimhood the way that the narcissist themselves does. It is EXTREMELY helpful to me just gaining some exterior validation of what I've experienced my entire life. And it is also very helpful to gain some insight and preview into what I may expect now that I have at long last gone no contact. I was thinking that I may still accept some minor communication with my father [definitely NOT my brother], but I am seeing now that I simply can't afford to do that. Anyway, thank you very much once again. Some day, at some point, I will definitely be joining you in the work of informing the general public of this terrible problem---once I can safely say that I am not only a survivor but I understand and have a command of its intricacies as well. First things first though, I have many personal problems to contend with and iron out before I can even think too much about that. I appreciate your being here in a way that is almost impossible to put into words!
Thank you! Major A-ha moment. This explains a lot. The past 30+ years (*i am 50) has been two failed marriages and relationships back to back. It’s time to just be me!
Goodness. This changed my entire perspective. All so true and it hits you like bricks. Thank you
You're welcome! Everything starts to shift when we get real with ourselves.
Anna Clark Was reading through the comments here- not often one sees "Goodness".. made me smile. By that, and your beautiful smile, I find it difficult to imagine anyone intentionally misleading someone of obviously pure heart. Then again, I would never expect someone to do that to me either!
Hope you are still using the smile and spreading "Goodness" around!
Bravo, you reaffirmed there are beautiful sweet people roaming around😇🙏🏻
Amazing, you have spoken the truth.
I'm happy it was helpful for you!
Not everyone can quit cold turkey. That can lead to issues for them. Always remember to move forward even if it’s slow. It’s not failure if you have a set back. Write down a list of all the bs you’ve been through, all the hurt. Do it every day. Every time you have a set back. Every time youre getting sucked back in. An understanding of how the pieces fit together will come! Wean yourself off.
My OMG moment was when the rollercoaster sped up so much that it became clear. The switch from push pull
You just described my entire process with my last relationship verbatim from beginning to end including the chemical detox and epiphany stage which is still unfolding as I write this.
You speak of things I have experienced with the slip and denial of a realization. I hate that when that happens!
I agree with a user here...I'm Glad you exist...
I was released from my relationship when I took my kids on a fishing trip out of state for a week. Just us did it happen it was gone the addiction. I realized what was truly important and how he didn't love me or anything else. From another state he tried to ruin my trip with my children that was very important to me And something I had to do. I knew then in my heart and soul I hated him. I don't really hate but I am free. Even though people and my kids ( red light) did not like him I couldn't leave until I could if that makes any sence. I love my life and life i'm on a different road now but I still listen to these videos morning noon and night. Thank you for being there.
Wow, just wow. Your analysis is simply brilliant. Only last night I was trying to explain to my friend (whom I believe to be empathic), who I am struggling to coach through a situation with a narcissist ex-girlfriend (he actually co-signed on an apartment for her and lent her a car - you can guess how that worked out), how seductive the obviously insincere "good behavior" of my wife is (I maintain no contact except in matters dealing with our kids). In a few emails she has discovered the use of "Thank you" (and gratitude in general), and the word "love" which she never used in our marital home unless speaking to someone else. She is on her, by my count, 3rd spiritual enlightenment since she kicked me out. But seeing those words on the screen first feels vindicating, and then makes me wonder whether she is capable of change. Which makes me want to have a conversation with her, which I have resisted so far. Even before your video, I witnessed that by maintaining no contact, she eventually reveals her true abusive self eventually, out of frustrating at not getting what she wants, but for my very logical mind, it is very good to have a cogent explanation of why her song is like a Siren. On another note, I am now fascinated by the massive number of modern and historical popular (pop-culture?) references to narcissist personality disorder, yet nobody believes it exists. Specifically, I have been binging on Star Trek and The Twilight Zone and there are too many episodes dedicated to this personality type to to count, not to mention movies like Gaslight and The Picture of Dorian Grey, and for my money, movies concerning Dracula and vampires. How can there be so much institutional wisdom about this disorder, simultaneous mass denial about it?
Yes, denial is a big deal. I see it, and sometimes I don't believe I am doubting myself. Sometimes I see it and sometimes I think I got it wrong. I am working on it.
Stockholm Syndrome. Listening to this video helped me to remember what I think was the first time I did this and had no idea...Wow. It's not love. It's an addiction to trauma bonding.
Thank you so much. Right now I'm going through a roller coaster of emotions and I have had those aha! moments and then forget and then I feel some pain. It's like I'm going through withdrawal symptoms like an addict and I know I don't want to contact my family, but it is so hard at times feeling this gnawing pain. So thanks again. I really needed to here this.
I'm happy my content is helpful for you. Sending you a big hug!
You need a show on Oxygen, TLC or OWN!!! Thank you for your work and help.
This is fantastic.
So well explained trough layers and layers, though with a very humble attitude. I'm amazed.
And it helps a lott! ♡♡ Thank you.
Thank you. I can't tell you how much I needed this.
I go in and out of denial. But clarity can only happen when I move through the feelings and realization of the truth. But also I am protecting myself too. So it is like you say, a process, and can only happen through steps of change and growth. This video is so exciting. It shows me how the child in me is still trying to protect me from all the stuff I could not make sense of. It is kind of sweet. Someone should make a movie! Maybe I will.
About to go NC with my narcissistic mother and I have to keep facing that my mother doesn't love me unconditionally. Have to brace myself for the smear campaign, and brace myself for the lonely path ahead of me, and just cut the cord. Notice I didn't decide to go NC overnight!! I have been going back and forth and wondering if there is another way. But I had such a revelation that NC is the only way for me to heal right now. Thanks for this.
Seriously great. Trying to remember epiphanies and hang on to lessons learned was a real challenge. Was!
Thank you sis, love you. 😍😘😍😍😎😎😎😎😎🤗
Meredith, thank you for your good work and helping save me. This video describes what is so true. Excellent truths. x
wow.....you are doing great work. thank you.
You're welcome! I'm happy it's helpful for you :)
This video is like a vaccine for my trauma bond. I feel like my experience never happened.
Yes, this video was THAT affective!
On the flip side- my past relationship experience failed but it gave light to underlying faults of mine. It has been an awakening of my inner self and wow, I am grateful to her for pointing them out to me.
#selfimprovement #keepingmyword
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I just have to say thank you so much for these videos you have a way of being able to shed so much clarity on this situation
that money will live with me forever. i felt my gut wrench like i was being ripped apart from inside. and then after breakdown i was homeless and when i finally realized im never going back to that place ever again. now i have have my own place and youve been helping me so much. thank thank thank thank you
Spot on! Some moments I am sure he is a narcissist and sometimes I second guess myself. Did I overreact, maybe I'm exaggerating, we had awesome moments. It's crazy, he is manipulative and cold. I fear breaking Silent Treatment when I'm in denial.
Hard to accept that the "Hoover" is NOT something you as the victim are "receiving" as an olive branch or opportunity of an apology, reconciliation or anything that is "us" oriented; that in fact it, the Hoover is ONLY- for the abusers fragile ego.
They've already burned through new supply, either primary or secondary, and ONLY because we were so loving and caring, they so desperately want that FEELING, we can give them to pull them out of themselves, their darkness, they come prowling around like Gollum lurking for his "precious".
It's really sad. If they only knew they were enough as people, that someone CAN love them as they are, that nothing in their past really matters, if they could address it.. someone would hold their hand and heart and help them through that journey.
But they can't, won't (at least the vast majority) and there is NOTHING we can give or say or do.. or be.. that would EVER be enough.
Talking AT me is not talking to me or talking with me.
It's me listening while YOU get to say what they want.I feel held captive, I'm not allowed to interrupt or interject but always feel the need to defend myself. I feel attacked, put down, blamed, shamed, invalidated, minimized, discounted. I am practising observing his behavior and not absorbing it by not taking it to heart or not taking it personally. I practise observing from a third person viewpoint staying neutral. If you feel blamed/shamed and feel like you're getting the brunt of everything that's a clear indication that you're being emotionally dumped on. They unload on you and expect you to deal with it while they are free of any accountability. Uh no, that's not right. When you can't find the words, when you are feeling uneasy, uncomfortable, distraught, overwhelmed, confused, angry, whatever you're feeling it's okay to let your feet do the talking while you take the time to process your emotions. I Go where I am away from that person, situation and write my feelings down. Writing about the situation helps me see what I am experiencing if I can't find the words.
Thank you for making thee videos, so much healing validation that really is needed these toxic situations for so many reasons.
I was caught in this, getting screamed at for nothing then given nice food, nice treatment, gifts, jewellery even, after a particularly vicious attack. I realized, in the end, that it was toxic and started to get out, took me a long time and I lost my house in the process. Worth every penny. Heart-breaking to hear about the girls who went back for more because they got driven to the station. Very good video, thank you.
Yep, that's exactly how it goes. Good job getting out! I know what you mean by cutting your losses and knowing it was worth it to have your freedom again. Big hug!
Thank you Meredith. I wish I could explain but thank you.
I really love all of your videos and you are helping me tremendously! Thank you!
Hi,its been three months no contact,im finding it hard to work and get out the house some days,im keeping fit,but my body is hurting all over and im finding it hard to sleep,thanks for the help from watching you videos michael
Natural Calm, a powder magnesium supplement really has helped me sleep. Another trick I do is when I wake up I talk to my inner child....yes, little Julie we left our parents...yes, little Julie, they are broken people...I am here for you, little Julie, I will keep you safe...stuff like that. After a few weeks of acknowledging my pain I no longer wake up...as often.
YES!!! Forgot to remember... well said.
This video was so helpful and comforting. Thank you!