I always filter these things through this anecdote: Dennis Radar was a deacon in his local church, a family man, etc. After it was conclusive that he was the BTK Killer, the people were beside themselves, "How could he do this?" etc. A forensic FBI profiler set them straight, "No, THIS is who he is, and he is pretending to be the deacon, not the other way around."
Same with female friends who tell you what a great friend they are, how nice they are and how trustworthy they are. Means anything but. And the worst of mothers will tell what a great mother they are. Kate McGann for example who boasted about being a good mother but there are rumours that she beat her children who were all toddlers. Plus she neglected them night after night on that Portuguese holiday complex leaving them alone unattended while she went out drinking with her husband and holiday companions.
And a common one is "I get on with everybody but her" said by somebody who is very difficult and controlling and only has friends because those women are too scared not to be friends with her. They would be stalked by her if they cut loose.
Feeling Sexy or if their go to line anytime you question a behavior is “you know me, I wouldn’t do that.” Especially when you’ve only known them for 4 months. 🙄
My counselor told me concerning my B.P.D. mother, when she's nice to you watch out, THE KNIFE IN THE BACK IS COMING next! She was so right! It happened EVERY time.
They intimidate you when you don't give in. They argue but call it debating. They feel superior and have a false sense of entitlement. Everyone around think he is great, smart and charming, it's difficult to explain who he is really.
R. Richer Don't explain it.I think we need to keep few things to ourselves.Dont let these things out to your best friend.Just keep it in your mind and move on because its so draining to reveal a narcissist.
@@rohithreddy75 Most important anti-NPD reply for me. I used to confide in them in tough times. That's a weapon to use against me freely. New rule: I only out say dating or financial info about myself 50/50. No longer do I give more than I get
Alarm bells going off and red flags waving in front of your nose. Listen to your God-given inner voice! We need to keep our antennas (feelers) up at all times!
the acts of kindness is confusing and it kept me there for four years, and I'm still not over him or the ordeal... they can be quite damaging *STAY FAR AWAY FROM THEM*
Lexi B: The acts of kindness are intermittent manipulations designed to keep you confused and in the dark about them so that they can keep "feeding" off you. They are predators and if they see that you might pull away before they finish devouring you, they do a little nicey nicey to reel you back in for more torture. It's extremely evil. "For without cause have they hid for me their net in a pit, which without cause they have digged for my soul." Psalm 35:7
The percieved act of kindness- buying the family a dinner. Then we end up talking, he ends up apologozing sometimes and other times we discuss something, he doesn't necessarily apologize, but we've worked through it. He's hoovering right now and I've been very careful to keep my distance because I'm finally seeing the patterns now. Yes, he tries to play the good husband and father and then when he flips everything is all our fault, he's yelling, we're drama, he's sick of us, he wants to have more kids and "warned me that if I kept it up our child wouldn't be his only kid", then the wedding ring came off, and he wanted a fresh start but hasn't left. I stopped doing his laundry and it's been like we're roommates living together, it was alotore tense when he was stonewalling, now he's hoovering. I know it's not real, because we cycle through 2 week cycles of the nice guy and the crazy scary volitale guy.
The narcissist shows kindness to members of his support groups and has long since given up showing me the same "kindness". As leader of those groups, he manipulates them for future supply. Sad, but true. Not REAL kindness, but manufactured.
Someone did a video recently on the difference between being kind and being good. A narc can be good, that's easy to manufacture. They will never be kind, as that is genuine.
You just made me think; they often love going to church, just so they can later go slander the groups; very much like a high school click but with real adult damage and consequences, with real emotional turmoil left in their wake on the streets.
Covert Narcissism, acts of kindness! You just described my ex-boyfriend perfectly. Until recently, he was still mentioning a time in 2012 when I caught the flu and he helped me by driving me to the doctor. It is only within the past year that I developed a full understanding of who he is, a covert narcissist, and I am still healing. These people are disgusting!
Still, you didn't say why he is disgusting, please explain, I mean it wasn't because he drove you to the hospital and took a chance of becoming sick also, right? Please forgive my curiosity.
Oh my goodness. My father did mision trips to the Ukraine and toured churches helping them. He was a Chiropractor. It always made me sick when as a teenager people at church would say "your father and stepmother are so good, what is wrong with you?" (someone actually said that to me) He would take care of people for free from the church. Missionaries would come to him. He would humiliate me and make me feel like scum when they weren't around. I wanted their approval so much. I believed all their crap. I thought I was scum and they were perfect. I was mind fucked. My mother would always wonder why I thought my father and step mother were so wonderful (hello stockholm syndrome) Your videos are helping me make sense of my life. My teenage years were hell. I attempted suicide when I was 15. WoW. Its only 30 years for me to understand this now.
I read a very good book called 'Leaving the fold' by Marlene Winnell who grew up in a missionary family posted to the Far East. Explains it all. I used to take the abuse personally and blamed myself for being treated in the same way in every church I attended and receiving the same insults. Turned out they use standard insults for everybody they target who refuse to comply. The more I tried to comply the more the goalposts were moved so I gave up and sneaked around them. They have an army of flying monkeys around them who aren't very bright and whose minds operate on generalisations. It's like their minds are programmed by simple flow charts.
lemsip: Narcs and their minions are literally Hive Minded demons, or to put it more suscinctly: Demonic hierarchies control the Head Narc and the underlings are controlled by the more powerful Narcs. It's a demonic hierarchy. Literally.
For those of you who do some of those things and may think "am I the Narc?" because of it, keep in mind many people have traits, as it seems to be on a spectrum. 1) Covert narcs - usually have low to no empathy. They do a lot of blame shifting, not taking responsibility, gaslighting, etc. There is an emptiness to them. They are usually cold and distance for say 2 days, but loving on the 3rd day. You never know on what day you will get the warm them. Everything they do tends to be subtle so that you will react to it then they can blow up and blame you for something. 2) Borderlines - have an "I hate you, but don't leave me attitude". They have an extreme fear of abandonment. A lot of them tend to get very violent. Throwing things, shouting, etc. 3) Depression - If someone is depressed, especially if there is anxiety involved, they are going to do whatever they can do to avoid a particular social event, or being around other people. Does not mean they are a Narc. 4) Keep in mind that if someone does something nice for you, it does not mean they are a Narc either. It takes a few or more different traits to be a narc, which is on a spectrum . For example, people who feel they have to walk on eggshells around a b-cluster/narc/sociopath, may also keep quite when something bothers them. This can come off as silent treatment as well.
I've spent the last five years hating myself, hating him, loving us, hating us, euphoric, miserable, on top of the world, suicidal, when I found the first videos it was by accident. It explains everything. It was like he read the script. I feel like a fool. And I can't stop crying. And the stupidest thing is, I just want him to fix it😢 (and I know now that that's not possible...
It's like they give 10% of themselves a random 3days of the year, expecting 100% from you 356days in return, &supposing you give it, you'll only be accused of taking a leap year to yourself! 🎵"Run for the hills"👣👌
My relatives expect me to do most of the running after and contacting and I find that drains me so I gave up on them. They don't even get a Christmas card from me now. In any kind of friendship or relationship it should be roughly an equal amount of initiating contact not 90% of the time the 'lower status' person or victim doing the contacting and running after.
"It's like they give 10% of themselves a random 3 days of the year, expecting 100% from you 356days in return." You put it perfectly. The very fact that we who have come into significant contact with NPD types end up asking so many of the same, odd questions shows how baffling and real and yet slippery this 'label' is. Questions like: Is there kindness ever genuine? Do they fell ANY empathy? Do the know what they are doing, and are they able to control it or not? etc
My Lord have mercy! These people should all be behind bars!!! I'm 2 months in and the struggles I have had have been beyond anything imaginable to me. It has jacked my head up and left me penniless. This damages so many good people. This truly is a crime in my eyes. It's so psychologically damaging. I have wanted to take my life over this because of all the pain and ache it has Inflicted on me. It has left my head spinning. Good grief. I feel for all of you going through this.
Thank you so much for this video. Just cut a 'friend' of like 5 years out of my life for good. She was so angry and tried to make me feel guilty. It was terrible. And I have always been feeling anxious and worried towards her for years. No one her believed me about the manipulation. My husband finally came around once he saw how nasty she was. And how she used every bit of insecurity I had against me. I'm soooo glad I was able to let her go. And not give in. She wrote me a super long text trying to get a response and I just deleted it and blocked her. It felt amazing. And these videos are really helping me through it. So thank you!!! It's nice to have some clarity, and not feel so crazy.
This is something that many of my clients have a tough time understanding--at first. Over time, they develop a sixth sense for this type of behavior. Thank you for doing this work. I'm always so happy to see other people who are out there helping folks who are stuck in bad situations with narcs and sociopaths.
Oh my gosh! So true. Be cautious about them being overly nice. The ex narc I used to date was so nice on Christmas Eve and day, but a few days later he turned off his phone on Friday night and came home with a smirk on his face like he was out with another woman. When I look back on it I don't think he was with someone, I think he was just trying to get a rise out of me and cause drama. The good will never last with them! They feed off drama and intentionally cause it. Thank you for your videos!!
The cognitive dissonance kills me. I feel like I'm in a dream. How dare I have these feelings when this person lets me use their car and takes me on nice dates and does this and that. I must be making it all up in my head . It's such a cluster fuck
Besides; once you start getting things like 'mental' on your medical records, you can be much more easily committed against your will and be more susceptible to gaslighting since you're voluntarily going to a mental doctor, and checking yourself' in, so to speak; there's a good video about this called 'Psychiatry, the industry of death.' You'll find the solutions, but seeing someone whose interest is to keep asses in the seats could not necessarily be it. Besides TH-cam is full of awesome help, probably better than most could ever afford and more honest.
I don't understand how they carry out these elaborate ruses. I don't have the energy, time, or mental capacity to lay out such detailed schemes in order to manipulate others around me. Do they seriously sit down and plot this out step by step, or does it come naturally because that's how they are wired? Is it just perfected over time because they live in this manner every day?
Joanna Payne They have no conscience or empathy so it comes naturally to them. No energy goes into it. And over time they perfect their manipulation. It's just that they've tried things and found out whether they worked or not & went from there.
It's that many times they're underachievers that have had to cheat to get through life and have very little confidence in their ability. Many times they flunked in school or their "parents held them back" and they're usually scarred for life about this and feel truly lacking; they'll even brag how cold they can be. So, often, they're lazy thinkers and take the easiest route to an answer, like a person that calls you instead of Googling something; they'll even ask you if you're at the computer rather than go do it themselves. Watch out for the person that constantly ask you to remind them of things, trying to turn you into their assistant, on the sly, and since you care, you'll know worry and remember to remind them; very selfish psychic vampirism. A TV Show that showed what these people can be like was HOUSE About the evil genius Dr. that wouldn't even talk to his patients since they would just lie anyway; now that guy was diabolical in his narcissistic ways. It's good training to know what to watch out for and how miserable some people truly are.
@@Str0ng1 This one narcissist was a housemate of mine - She looked average/pretty in the face but had the body of a victoria's secret model. She would trapse around the house in a string bikini and take whatever she wanted even if it didn't belong to her. I remember I went hiking with her and a friend of mine I introduced her to. I tell bikini girl that I admire her figure and that she inspires me to work out more, as I was trying to lose about 10 pounds of vanity weight. She suddenly goes postal and barks at me to stop giving her compliments and that she's sick of hearing it from people. I was so shocked at how rude she was.. Then my "friend" chimes in and says that she agrees with bikini girl and understand why she would feel that way-- kissing her ass to get closer to her power. Bikini girl attracted a lot of attention. I later realized bikini girl was just mad that I wasn't jealous of her and had the nerve to think I could look as good as she does. She did forgive me and because I was such a nice person, she figured I could take care of the loose ends for her when she moved out, you know... mail some packages, etc. for her. I was like... bye felicia. Don't let the door hit you on your bare ass.
Being a covert narcissist is probably like a full time job, and you can tell when they are running the game with multiple people because they're always exhausted. Once you're out, you can see it so easily but when you're in a relationship with them you just think, oh they're so tired because they work so hard at whatever fake thing.
yeah, always helping random people in the street, saying "look how good I am, I hope you don't mind I help people". Backstabbing you when you can't see him. Sick
An ex of mine was like that and always on the look out for somebody who might need help which he gave to them without asking them if they wanted it first.
Listening to this video I am reminded of how some of my former girlfriends viewed my acts of generosity with suspicion. Except I didn't want anything in return but to be loved, respected, cherished. This is another manner in which the evil of narcissism seeks to pollute our world - to taint sincerity and generosity with suspicion of motives. Yet my acts of generosity are really still without expectation, these girlfriends were always free to leave at anytime. And they left, and I heard FROM EVERY ONE OF THEM later. No, you could do better, you wanted out, and now you are out, and I no longer love you, and that is that.
Something else the narcissist does is use clever techniques to get you to talk about either your passions or your problems while not giving anything away of themselves (if you ask them question about them they will get cagey) and then accuse you of being self absorbed. To get you to talk about your passions they ask open ended questions until they hit the right button. To get you to talk about your problems they will give a fake sympathetic look. Don't fall for it.
lemsip I was always the one talking. He would just sit there acting like he was listening but at the same time giving little to no eye contact and just enough responses to keep me going. Unfortunately, he knew everything about me and I really didn’t know much about him in a intimate way. I was always wondering what he was thinking or feeling. In the end he used all that knowledge about me in a cruel way. He was a introverted covert type.
Jesus, this is my ex through and through.. he listened to some pretty heavy stuff i divulged to him early on. But he never or hardly said anything about himself and whatever he did say was not much. He eventually used what i told him to throw in my face Time and time again. I noticed he never allowed me to meet his mum or sister just kept a story of he doesn’t get along with them and doesn’t want their negativity to ruin what we have.
Always have something they are covering up such as alcoholism, abuse of somebody vulnerable and close to them or ruthless political ambition with no sympathy towards unemployed people who they see as scroungers.
It's funny to hear and find this slang of 'Narc' for these people, because the connotations are all of sleazy behavioural patterns used to gain advantage unbeknownst, for a later strike. Snakes in the grass, and they're everywhere; some of the common traits I've found is an obsession with laundry and their appearance, even though they can often be somehow disgusting, either how they eat, or chew, something that is way out awkward.
How do I stop meeting these people? Almost everyone I have ever attracted in my life are cluster bs. Im 38. Losing hope that theres good people actually out there.
this is what keeps people stuck in the denial stage. one thing that helped me was when i'd be venting to someone about the horrible mean things they'd do to me and my family they 'd be like but i thought you said they were such a good person? i would have to think about it like yea you are rt maybe they aren't such a good person. Say the narc parent does all this stuff for the kids or appears to be the family man but yet never spends time with his kids, is always gone, never gets their children. Are they really such a good parent? ...Remember the "gifts" ALWAYS come with strings attached.
I have a coworker who was very kind and supportive of me when I was first hired. She spent so much time giving me advice and helping me, taking me shopping, taking me out to eat, and so on. But at times it was all too much, and she would get involved with my life when I didn't ask. She became nosy and would jump in and do things for me when I didn't want her to. She would also gossip about other coworkers, which made me uncomfortable. When I got to the point of setting boundaries with her, she went off on me and cut me off entirely. Now, she shuns me, literally turning her back to me if she sees me at work. I have worked to recover from the experience, and now I just ignore her, choosing not to react to anything she does. She still tries to annoy me, but I don't show any response. I care about her, but I have learned that I cannot help her. Other coworkers have had similar experiences with her, and I have spent time getting to know them better and finding them to be allies for me.
I totally agree with everything said in this video. I was puzzled by the acts of kindness too. Cognitive dissonance can really cripple you until you realize that was the whole point.
I decided to go no contact with my mother after 41 years of being emotionally abused. Im 41 years old and have never had true intimacy or a long term relationship. I realized I wasted decades chasing after love from my mother which I never got, or will ever get. So I've made the conscious decision to contact her once a year. My next scheduled check in is 12-24-2019.
I know people like to clump cluster b disorders together but they are truly a spectrum. I have BPD traits and CPTSD and it's far left from Narcs and antisocial . I know people have gotten abuse from BPD before and I guess I'm here to say it's not a one size fits all. For me at least.
With mine, it has invariably proved to be a ploy to simply draw me close so they can cut my throat. Throat cutting when I'm confident and happy gives them bliss. Sorry, it's bad, but that's the long and short of it, and I am soon to turn 67.
Carly Corday that’s a good visual to describe narc abuse. It’s like my mom threatening to cancel my wedding and blowing up on me after I just had a baby. So sick 😷
Yes ma'am. I would just sit a whole day and battle with my brain going back-and-forth like ping pong. Me logically knowing the reality says this but it would always pop in my head, -but this, but that happened, he said did this or that and then I will be back there again ready to call or give in to what he said. Then I will find myself going all over again the cycle was AWFUL!!
Right????? My dad after a week of being out of the house is like, "You want to eat? I made you some lunch ☺" Guess what I hear him talking so much garbage about me the walls of his room every single day. Hates confrontation and does damage control, pretends to be an Amazing Father but is very abusive, never apologizes. Makes it out that I'm crazy, and then I come to my senses it's never because of the abuse the put me through, but because it's "conspiracy theories". And as soon as I show him a video of his abuse, he goes berserk. It's cognitive dissonance at its best. My mom is a long ass story because she never spent genuine time with me and when I confront her she pretends she never did anything. But acts the same way as my father as soon as I show a video of them. Crazy.
When you volunteer alongside this type of narcissist it is hell. The smugness is unbearable. I've encountered them in litter picking groups as they boast of always taking their litter home and not using litter bins. They may start volunteering in the same project a year or two after you start and within months have taken over the project and the project manager has delegated many of their duties to them. Happened on a garden project where the project manager would sit down at morning breaks and ask for inputs and let us know what the future plans were. A few months after this narc started the project manager would only confer with the narc as she had been manipulated by the narc. I must have been the only one to be able to see through the narc who picked this up and asked why I was being rude to her when she had been so 'nice and friendly' towards me. I confronted her and let her know exactly what I thought of her. On another garden project set up by a self employed chef with pop up restaurants a local by-election candidate took over that I hadn't seen when first helping out with clearing the garden space. It was just something she got involved in to get selected for the coming by-election and she soon took over the Facebook group and was co-coordinating volunteers. She also had no sympathy for young unemployed people and said that they weren't prepared to look hard enough for work or were too proud to take jobs in coffee shops and restaurants. I was warned once that a lot of criminal types hide in charities and voluntary projects. Many of these smug narcissistic people have something to hide such as alcoholism, drug addiction or ruthless political ambition. Jimmy Savile would volunteer in hospitals to get close to patients to sexually abuse them.
Have you ever heard the Bible verse that says: Satan and his minons come disguised as angels of light? Which means they put on a righteous act in order to manipulate and deceive.
Mary Lee: Narcissists are evil and unrighteous (Biblically speaking). 2 Tim 3:1-5 says to "turn away" from these kinds of people and the description is TO THE TEE for Narcissists! "Turn away" is Divine instruction for No Contact. And there is no exception listed for Narc parents. These kinds of parents deserve NO HONOR irrespective of how much man made religion attempts to twist Scripture to fit their own predatory agendas.
@@reesedaniel5835 you are absolutely right on that one. Good point. Narcs love twisting religious dogma and any other significant ideology to suit their diabolical agenda.
I completely figured that out & told him you only do nice stuff to get stuff in return I know what and who you are...talk about narcissist injury and rage ..the devaluing started at that point..but I beat him to it and discarded him first what an evil human.
I have no idea where I read this, but it says "if you do something for someone else expecting something in return, you my friend are not practising charity, you are doing business".
I at the age of 17, married a narc whom was 19 (was generous money-wise, right after the wedding I was only called, his wife...he even called me :wife: O.o), after 3yr approximately I ran away with my two babies at the age of 19...I hated him soo much it scared the shyt out of me. I mean for the first time I could not feel joy, lol really because I felt he may be enjoying himself out there somewhere. I felt numb though I had two beautiful babies, I was lucky, for I was too proud to let anyone know. But the inside numbness scared me more than anyone, I was not a church-goer (still do not), and I did not know how to pray...one day I dropped to my knees in despair and plead with the Heavenly power to help me!!! I do not know when the moment came but about 1 week, I look up and noticed I was laughing and loving again and there were no hate i n me im, I never went back to him, even his own family and friends would not tell where I lived...he was that bad. 60+ now and do not hate, nor have I since that time, loved again and had two more children (common-law he ruined me for marriage), after about 10years, I allowed him to visit for the kids but the rule was his current spouse had to be with him, I have been very pleased with my love and my narc is responsible for leading me to the comfort in knowing there is an heavenly power that care about us.
I'm so happy you posted this! I used to wonder why I keep feeling like I needed to be validated on my ex's behavior. I used to wonder was I exaggerating or was he really trying to manipulate me. Now I see that's a normal process. People that haven't been in this kind of relationship, don't understand. Thank you so much for this!
The line I remember most is "I could bring up the time I did ___, but it's not like I do." when I didn't like what he'd do it would always come down to he did something for before so it's okay. Or "Can't you ever think about me for once" when I'm feel like bending over backwards, sacrificing my beliefs, my mind, and sanity just so they can be happy or just they can drop it. Or my favorite, I got told "No" when I asked if we could just agree to disagree. Out the mouth of a man who had been a friend since I was 16 till I was 26. He prided himself the intellectual and I loved good debate as much as next person but he'd never let it go and then it would get personal. I would be "the only woman who has a brain" and he'd tell me "It's too bad you don't need it."
I never wanted to believe she was being kind for some sort of benefit. Now that I went no contact this all makes sense. Her kindness was used against me when I complained how I gave so much to the relationship. She would remind me of the smallest things she would do for me and try to make me feel guilty. She also didn't have a filter she would blurt out the most meanest low blows and then say I was too sensitive. So much information here. Thanks this has helped me with my healing.
How to know the difference is - genuine kindness is just done naturally, most of the time you have no idea how much they really do for others on a daily basis & coverts definitely point out to other folks that they did a kind gesture. They always have an angle to their kindness like I’ll scratch your back if you do mine. I’ve seen coverts brag about their so called kind acts. It’s definitely a FAKE kindness ! You feel it when you experience it.
Thank you! I am still getting mind screwed from a professional narc like this. I convinced myself he wants to be the person he presents but every chance he gets with me he plays a gotcha game. I trick myself into going back because of his " kindness"but soon feel the burn.
Thank you. It's synchronicity when I find your videos because you answer questions I have. I have known these types of personalities and they do lay on guilt trips.
Meredith you have light glowing from you! I am sorry for whatever happened to you earlier in your life. You have a very clear and conscious way of expressing yourself -- it's such a gift to me. Thank you.
So true. Mine came in a firefighter's form. Told me he loved to help others. Was constantly helping everyone around him to a point where it seemed extreme. Gave me his Netflix password like 2 weeks in, said if there was anything I needed, anything, money, etc he would give it to me. (I never asked for any of these things) it's like he was showering me with help I never asked for.
I was thinking about this on a deeper level. And as I have Been a victim to many narc and their abuse. I have definitely taken the denial route and gotten the trauma Bond. I have chosen to start trusting others again i just choose more deserving people to give my gift of trust. Its a win win for me healing from abuse Thank you! I think that when you are open you learn the hard way. You have to learn to refuse being abuse. And apart from staying no contact do not focus on it focus on what makes you happy. # I refuse being abused I have Also been victim of smearing campaigns. No more.
My narcissist would hide my belongings, they would tell me it was to teach me a lesson, and I would beleive I lost it, usually something important for a one time event, and then months later, they would bring it out and laugh and tell me they hid it to teach me a lesson, and by then, I would have moved on, and didn't require it anymore.
This explains so much with a coworker! The few kind acts, which were small, make me question myself and make me feel quilt for thinking they were crazy!
Everything in this video describes my mother perfectly. Wow. My whole life I got crap from her and my family because I would stand up to her, but then they would try piling on guilt. Thanks for posting!
WOW. Unbelievable, truly. First off this video and all you convey here couldnt have spoken to me any better than it does. COMPLELTELY hits home for me with regard to my foo (family info origin) AND.....what's so unbelievable? Well, one of my siblings actually went to Haiti to participate I relief efforts of a sort (though he was paid for the work he did there) and he is a TOTAL narcissist, my mothers favorte "can do no wrong" son, and because of how he's treated me and how I've seen the writing on the wall with respect to him for several years now I've had to keep him at a great distance as in, essentiallly, no contact. So, when you said Haiti ...I was just like, "OMG this doesn't get anymore REAL!" Bravo! Thank you SO MUCH for covering this topic, Meredith! ❤️
very well put, Meredith. i got raised receiving gifts from my aunt since the day one. i only started to question it once when i honestly hated the dress she bought me and refused very politely, she still said ''all right, i will give it to someone else, who can REALLY appreciate it.'' made me feel terrible. now i'm the bad guy for not accepting any more of this kindness and even my mother says it's not nice ''since she's done all those nice things for me''. that's like a textbook example of how those people can disrupt even your other relationships with being so ''altruistic''.
Thank you for this video. And thank God for these labels. I have just had an encounter with an altruistic narcissist/sociopath and it was incredibly confusing. I asked the universe for a big hearted man and when i found this guy i thought all my dreams had come true. He was so generous and even wanted to create alternative healing centres for people with cancer. He'd been to the Calais jungle, been at fracking protest camps, helped his neighbours with their CV's, even gave a homeless man £5 he'd just found on the floor even though he had little money himself. Wow. What a man. Yet, when we were alone he'd start blaming me for things that were his responsibility, he told me that i was scaring him with my intensity- even though he'd been just as intense in my opinion, and that i was crazy and needed therapy - over and over again. It felt very wrong, although at first i tried to take his words on board - maybe he was just trying to help me because he was such a kind person. When the blaming, gaslighting, angry outbursts and cruelty continued i realised that this was not ok and told him so. I think perhaps at that point he realised i wasn't an easy target and i was instantly disgarded, but not before threatening to tell 'everyone' what type of a person i was and threating to get me sectioned because i was so crazy. At that moment clarity decended - aha this guy is an altruistic narcissist. The whole experience has completely shattered my ego and, as this isnt my first encounter with this type of person, I'm using this as an opportunity to reach a truer part of myself so i can heal this area of my life properly, but its still hard to let go of the fantasy. I really thought I'd found a good'un 😢
My final validation came after weeks of cold stoning. I was amazed how quickly the narc carried on as though the passed 25 years were unimportant. Not really concerned about fixing or figuring out what went wrong.
Now I'm CONFUSED! We (in the US) have a phrase "stone-walling"....that's something like "refusing to engage"...giving "the cold shoulder"....or just making one's disapproval known by such means ...as a form of covert "punishment"or "passive aggression". Isn't "grey-rocking" more like a technique to remain less visible...or to appear less "useful" to a narcissist?...which might also involve some attempt not to engage any more than necessary, but it's not done as an act of aggression, but rather as form of self-protection?. So this "cold stoning"....is that more like what I've described as the US "stone-walling"?
Sorry everyone, cold stoning was a mis-speak-typo. Must have been thinking about ice cream and the Cold Stone Creamery LOL. I did mean to say cold rock, but cold stoning does sounds better. And No, I am not British. I won't be responding to any feedback. I have learned so much about Narcissism and I've realized so long as I think about it I will not get over it (the Narcissist). Time to move on and like I said, "My final validation came...". I'm over and done with this experience and a better person for it. For that, I am grateful. . I would like to give a great big THANK YOU to Meredith and Inner Integration. I really connected with you explanations and your way of thinking. Thank you.
Wow, you nailed the altruistic narc. Mine even says he's an altruist. Disappeara for days, says evil things, calls me ungrateful, all for the appearance to the public and to justify his abuse toward me! My problems begin when I call him out....pure hell!You are so correct, thank you because I have questioned myself but known it wasn't right. I needed to hear that your message to confirm my doubt. God bless you for your insight😇
I agree with this, the reason I do is because when they do not get the response they want they begin their mean nonsense all over again. And, yes, they always tell others about their good deeds.
That's exactly what he did to me!!! Always did things for me around the house 'Mr handyman ' Then he did things for my parents around the house!!! Always made me feel obliged to always answer his calls and open the front door for him wherever he felt like coming past for coffee!!!! But when i saw that 'Narcissistic glare' in his eyes i discarded him the same way he use to discard me in the past!!! I immediately went 'No contact 'and blocked him from messenger, whats app and his phone number!!!! I bet he didn't see that coming!!!! Thank you, for all your information on 'Narcissists 'and for all your support!!
Meredith! This is the so incredibly helpful to me today. Wow, you did an excellent job with this. My soon to be ex husband is a complete covert narc and all of his random acts of kindness to me over the years has his family (and some of mine) and friends under the illusion that his is so great. I truly believe at least with him, that it is totally unconscious of him. This is not to make an excuse I promise - but I think he is so under the veil of consciousness that he doesn't even have a clue of his sick covert control. Healing from my extreme mind fu*% of cognitive dissonance is like light just pouring into my life. I thank you for your help along my journey. Namaste
I was very kind and giving to my ex... did so much for him and like a true empath just wanted to make him happy.... but every little thing he did and there weren't that many he would rub it in constantly... I couldn't believe it... and you can point it out to them with no effect... I'm so glad I ran into all this info on narcissists because my ex-husband was a classic, in fact I think most of my longer term relationships were with narcissists because I was so willing to give and they loved to take
My mother would give me things that I didn't ask for, and sometimes things that I specifically said I didn't want. She also would give me things that were of considerably less than she would give to my sister, which I see now was a form of triangulation. You are so right that narcs will expect something in return. I am so wary now. Don't enter into favours as a form of currency. They give you something, their decision. I don't owe them anything.
Dear Meredith Miller a very warm endearing big hug to you.,. You are the best speaker out there on narcissistic abuse... And I want to thank you so much for all your help you have really pulled me through a lot of anguish and pain... I was even hit by a car right in front of my flower shop., I know was done on purpose... He went into his insurance agent saying woo woo he's me... I don't even get to drive the car and I have to pay the bill woaa woaa woaa... Complain complain complain 45 years of friendship of course she's going to want to help her friend
Merideth! How timely for me to hear this now. Your analysis that the cognitive dissonance of the conflicting concept of that individual as either good or malevolent results in a hypnotic trance is so spot on. I have never heard it put that way by anyone else before but I know exactly what you mean. This immediately brings to mind footage I saw recently on Planet Earth II of a cuttlefish using a luminous rolling stripe pattern on it's skin to hypnotize a crab so it could get within stringing distance. I realize I'm anthropomorphising, but I swear the crab looked terrified as the cuttlefish moved closer but he was powerless to retreat. Luminous displays are but one form of energy; somehow what the disordered individual does is very much like what the cuttlefish does. We can't see it but we still sense it in our body in other ways.
Oh! A connection just hit me. Some things you said here sounded familiar, but I just realized it was for a different type of predator. I once took a class from CA Child Protectice Services so I could work at a YMCA teaching children. There was a statistic that pedophiles quite often work with their prey. They are perceived as wonderful people who "love" children and do amazing things in the community for children. Same with this type of covert narcissist. They are just using the same tactics on an adult.
This is my NMIL. Spot. On. You're exactly right, that side of the family looks at me like I'm nuts because I'm not sweeping every nasty thing she's done to me under the rug because she is "generous". I've changed my social media settings to severely limit her access to my feeds since she started playing mind games with my 11 year old last year. NMIL usually sends me a small check for my birthday every year. This year, she sent me a smaller check for mother's day as well. She's trying to buy her way back in to have access to my social media. I knew it the minute I saw that check. She also made a point of mentioning it, finding an excuse to say something when we finally went to her house a few months later. She was sooooo well behaved during the visit. She's looking to hoover me back in. I am fully expecting her to attack the next time she gets a chance. She is expert at playing the long game. I've known her for decades. It's what she does and who she is. She's also always playing up her sufferings to gain sympathy from everyone around her. It's so incredibly frustrating that she has everyone convinced she's not doing all this stuff on purpose, even my husband.
I went no contact 2 weeks ago with a friend because I could no longer live with extreme generousity on one hand and abuse at the other hand. If there was one person in the world I never expected to be a narcissist it would be her. With her spiritual powers, her tolerance, her kindness and her generousity. 3 years ago she invited me on a holiday to Spain and, boy, did I see a different side to her. Occasional snide remarks that left me confused and bewildered. This change in attitude increased over the past few years until I found myself apologizing for my very existence and believing that something's seriously wrong with me. I broke my leg 5 months ago and underwent surgery. She and her husband bought groceries for me, picked up medicine, did my laundry and cleaned my flat. It sounds wonderful, but every gesture was accompanied by sarcastic and demeaning remarks. One example on how that looks: She was scrubbing the floor in my front room, while I was on the couch. Suddenly she looked up at me and said: You Danish people can't even scrub a floor properly. But we Finnish people knows how to get the job done! Then followed a demo of the difference and while my name wasn't mentioned in this weird comment, I was the only Dane in the room. My point with this analogy is that the gesture of someone cleaning your house while you're incapacitated is no longer a gesture if you as the reciever of the gesture is being belittled in the proces. Imagine if you had paid for that service and the service was delivered with insults ... would you wish to let them back into your home? Would you respond immediately to any snide remarks with a "Get the h*** out of my house? But when someone 'gives' you something you tend to be in a humble place which makes it difficult to react. I believe that's called manipulation.
This is right on the money for my mom :/ If my mother does something as simple as give you a cookie, she will go on and on and on about it for DAYS or longer demanding about 50 "thank you's" while saying her favorite phrases to demand those *thanks* which are "Wasn't that nice of me?" *yes, and i already said thanks twice* "I think it was nice of me to give that to you, did you ever say thank you?" *yes, i have said thanks 4 times now for the one cookie you gave me* "Did you like that cookie? Didn't seem like you did, i thought it was really nice of me to go out of my way to do that for you" *Yes i said i loved it a dozen times, i thanked you a dozen times, i told you how nice and generous you are a dozen times... for that one cookie you gave me 3 days ago* Then of course, the finally, she provokes a fight whenever she's bored and if you dare stand up for yourself: "I can't believe you snapped at me today, so rude! I can't believe you would talk to me like that after that cookie i gave you last week, that was so nice of me and now look at how rude you are to me, you don't appreciate me at all! You never even thanked me for that cookie, you are soooo ungrateful!" -crocodile tears-
I deal with N's who definitely have genuine kindness. It depends how screwed up they are, how total their narcissism is. Partial narcissism is part & parcel in my Southern US culture, and these people are literally codependent & narcissist at same time. I don't care what anybody says, I've lived through this for my half century life, and it is real. Still it is NO REASON whatsoever to allow yourself to get close to them, let them derail your life etc. Great video! You are so right about how they are. Subscribed!
Iahel Cathartes Aura Sooooo true! Looking back, there were no healthy relationships in my Alabama family. I wish that was an exaggeration but unfortunately it isn't. I'm now in a 30 year relationship with a Narc/sociopath and planning my escape.
Iwill Survive: Former Alabamian here as well and the only healthy relationship I had in my family on either side was my paternal grandparents. I always wondered why I felt so loved and calm at their house but anxious and depressed at mine. Now I know. Unfortunately, they died a few years before I fully woke up. Now I have no family to support me. It's almost as if the Narc and her minions waited until my beloved Grandparents died before they began to fully show their serpent fangs. They knew I didn't have anyone and they had already destroyed my reputation in the eyes of my aunts, uncles and cousins so that when I turned to them for support I got nothing but stone walled.
I cannot believe I am just learning about narcissism this year. I wish more people knew about this. I wish I could share this on all of my social medias but that would just make me look like the bad guy because my abuser was the altruistic covert narcissist. Everyone knows we just had a falling out and everyone loves her. There are only a couple of people who know how twisted and manipulative she really is. The last six years have been hell because I'm a narc magnet and it took me that long to figure it out. 3 narcs within 6 years. The last one was by far the worst and I think that's how I found myself searching for answers online. Thank you for your content, inner integration.
My ex boyfriend is definitely a type of altruistic narcissist. Describes him perfectly. He didn't volunteer at all, but he prided himself on being nice and helpful to others.
It's interesting to see photos online of narcissist relatives I'm not attached to for yrs. Wedding pics look so great. Spouse looks on cloud 9. Then in about a year later you see new recent pics. And the narc still looks great. But the spouse has a look in their eye... Maybe I'm reading that into my perception. But their eyes are "opened up" to the bad guy. They're spinning I'm sure in the back of their mind. Oh dear. Very tragic.
In any case one thing that is consistent, they can never keep up the facade they will ALWAYS without a doubt...do things that shows they are what they are...a great example of a milder one but definitely is that Kardashian mother...for sure. Even on that show you do not see her love from any on that show...ughhh imagine when the cameras are not running...O.o
Thank you so much for this. I've had a hard time believing 100% that mine was a Covert Narc because of all the small acts of kindness he did for me... my knight in shining armour, always rescuing me when I was ill, in trouble, had a home emergency. It did not fit in with his cruelty to me in the things that really matter (he refused to commit, cheated on me, constantly criticised me, lied to me, allowed only crumbs, dangled other women in my face, threw tantrums when he didn't get his way, and imposed the silent treatment if I didn't obey him and agree with him). Now you have explained how to reconcile the Saint with the Narc... it all makes perfect sense. Mine is a Covert Altruistic Narc. When I caught him cheating for the 4th time, and that time decided I had had enough, and dumped him, he emailed me listing all the acts of fake kindness he'd done, as though he was arguing that, as he had 'banked' all that goodwill with me, I ought to let him bang as many other women as he likes and never complain. He thinks he's 'paid for' my compliance with those acts of fake kindness!
Yes, my mother gave me money towards my house, but she has treated me really, really disrespectfully at times and if I try to call her out on it she gets so angry so quickly. Reverse Martyr, naught to sixty, and I"m left like, what, I was the one who was hurt. I saw a therapist and she said that gratitude is a very narrow emotional range even when you are genuinely grateful. That really helped. I saw that I was not obliged to feel NOTHING but gratitude. When I took money for my house, I did not agree to being scapegoated or having my wishes ignored or mocked.
Perfect video for what I'm experiencing now. She was absolutely terrible last year, even trying to getbme in legal trouble. A year later, she approaches me asking to be friends even giving me things she has never done before. Definitely concerning so thank you for the advice to be on guard. My friends are also warning me she would take me out the second she gets a chance to.
My ex narcissist went out of his way to help neighbors, friends and my connections.. It wasent until later when I wanted to get away,- that I understood why he worked so hard to gain them as alias..Those same people did not believe me..
Narcissists in public life and politics always present themselves as benefactors, donors, saviours of mankind. Beware! It's just the persona, but most people believe the image. They need to listen to your wise words! Thank you, Meredith!
I always filter these things through this anecdote: Dennis Radar was a deacon in his local church, a family man, etc. After it was conclusive that he was the BTK Killer, the people were beside themselves, "How could he do this?" etc. A forensic FBI profiler set them straight, "No, THIS is who he is, and he is pretending to be the deacon, not the other way around."
if your husband has to tell you how great a husband he is..then he 's not that great.
Same with female friends who tell you what a great friend they are, how nice they are and how trustworthy they are. Means anything but. And the worst of mothers will tell what a great mother they are. Kate McGann for example who boasted about being a good mother but there are rumours that she beat her children who were all toddlers. Plus she neglected them night after night on that Portuguese holiday complex leaving them alone unattended while she went out drinking with her husband and holiday companions.
And a common one is "I get on with everybody but her" said by somebody who is very difficult and controlling and only has friends because those women are too scared not to be friends with her. They would be stalked by her if they cut loose.
excactly.
Exactly when you ate you do not need to say it.
Feeling Sexy or if their go to line anytime you question a behavior is “you know me, I wouldn’t do that.” Especially when you’ve only known them for 4 months. 🙄
My counselor told me concerning my B.P.D. mother, when she's nice to you watch out, THE KNIFE IN THE BACK IS COMING next! She was so right! It happened EVERY time.
"Oh, I'm sure your mother just means well. She's such a nice person!". GAG.
They intimidate you when you don't give in. They argue but call it debating. They feel superior and have a false sense of entitlement. Everyone around think he is great, smart and charming, it's difficult to explain who he is really.
R. Richer Don't explain it.I think we need to keep few things to ourselves.Dont let these things out to your best friend.Just keep it in your mind and move on because its so draining to reveal a narcissist.
Good observations RR!
@@rohithreddy75 Most important anti-NPD reply for me. I used to confide in them in tough times. That's a weapon to use against me freely.
New rule: I only out say dating or financial info about myself 50/50. No longer do I give more than I get
Matt Winstead No need to give 50/50 too.Give them nothing or mislead them about whats happening in ur personal,professional & other aspects in life.
Totally understand this. My brother is charming but it’s all grooming tbh
Alarm bells going off and red flags waving in front of your nose. Listen to your God-given inner voice! We need to keep our antennas (feelers) up at all times!
Christine Haigh your guardian angel
Only if they could be empathetic towards that. For real.
the acts of kindness is confusing and it kept me there for four years, and I'm still not over him or the ordeal... they can be quite damaging *STAY FAR AWAY FROM THEM*
Lexi B: The acts of kindness are intermittent manipulations designed to keep you confused and in the dark about them so that they can keep "feeding" off you. They are predators and if they see that you might pull away before they finish devouring you, they do a little nicey nicey to reel you back in for more torture. It's extremely evil. "For without cause have they hid for me their net in a pit, which without cause they have digged for my soul." Psalm 35:7
My parents.... really.
The percieved act of kindness- buying the family a dinner. Then we end up talking, he ends up apologozing sometimes and other times we discuss something, he doesn't necessarily apologize, but we've worked through it. He's hoovering right now and I've been very careful to keep my distance because I'm finally seeing the patterns now. Yes, he tries to play the good husband and father and then when he flips everything is all our fault, he's yelling, we're drama, he's sick of us, he wants to have more kids and "warned me that if I kept it up our child wouldn't be his only kid", then the wedding ring came off, and he wanted a fresh start but hasn't left. I stopped doing his laundry and it's been like we're roommates living together, it was alotore tense when he was stonewalling, now he's hoovering. I know it's not real, because we cycle through 2 week cycles of the nice guy and the crazy scary volitale guy.
The narcissist shows kindness to members of his support groups and has long since given up showing me the same "kindness". As leader of those groups, he manipulates them for future supply.
Sad, but true. Not REAL kindness, but manufactured.
Someone did a video recently on the difference between being kind and being good. A narc can be good, that's easy to manufacture. They will never be kind, as that is genuine.
Nettonya Ryane Oh and he doesn't care about them either. And they are so dishonest themselves (majority) they can't see it.
You just made me think; they often love going to church, just so they can later go slander the groups; very much like a high school click but with real adult damage and consequences, with real emotional turmoil left in their wake on the streets.
Covert Narcissism, acts of kindness! You just described my ex-boyfriend perfectly. Until recently, he was still mentioning a time in 2012 when I caught the flu and he helped me by driving me to the doctor. It is only within the past year that I developed a full understanding of who he is, a covert narcissist, and I am still healing. These people are disgusting!
Still, you didn't say why he is disgusting, please explain, I mean it wasn't because he drove you to the hospital and took a chance of becoming sick also, right? Please forgive my curiosity.
they always refer to past favours they 've done for you to feel entitled to what they want from you.
@@joelee5875 Joe is right!
Oh my goodness. My father did mision trips to the Ukraine and toured churches helping them. He was a Chiropractor. It always made me sick when as a teenager people at church would say "your father and stepmother are so good, what is wrong with you?" (someone actually said that to me) He would take care of people for free from the church. Missionaries would come to him. He would humiliate me and make me feel like scum when they weren't around. I wanted their approval so much. I believed all their crap. I thought I was scum and they were perfect. I was mind fucked. My mother would always wonder why I thought my father and step mother were so wonderful (hello stockholm syndrome) Your videos are helping me make sense of my life. My teenage years were hell. I attempted suicide when I was 15. WoW. Its only 30 years for me to understand this now.
I read a very good book called 'Leaving the fold' by Marlene Winnell who grew up in a missionary family posted to the Far East. Explains it all. I used to take the abuse personally and blamed myself for being treated in the same way in every church I attended and receiving the same insults. Turned out they use standard insults for everybody they target who refuse to comply. The more I tried to comply the more the goalposts were moved so I gave up and sneaked around them. They have an army of flying monkeys around them who aren't very bright and whose minds operate on generalisations. It's like their minds are programmed by simple flow charts.
lemsip: Narcs and their minions are literally Hive Minded demons, or to put it more suscinctly: Demonic hierarchies control the Head Narc and the underlings are controlled by the more powerful Narcs. It's a demonic hierarchy. Literally.
Darcy Kallus he thought he was god
@@reesedaniel5835 "Narcs and their minions" lol 😂
For those of you who do some of those things and may think "am I the Narc?" because of it, keep in mind many people have traits, as it seems to be on a spectrum.
1) Covert narcs - usually have low to no empathy. They do a lot of blame shifting, not taking responsibility, gaslighting, etc. There is an emptiness to them. They are usually cold and distance for say 2 days, but loving on the 3rd day. You never know on what day you will get the warm them. Everything they do tends to be subtle so that you will react to it then they can blow up and blame you for something.
2) Borderlines - have an "I hate you, but don't leave me attitude". They have an extreme fear of abandonment. A lot of them tend to get very violent. Throwing things, shouting, etc.
3) Depression - If someone is depressed, especially if there is anxiety involved, they are going to do whatever they can do to avoid a particular social event, or being around other people. Does not mean they are a Narc.
4) Keep in mind that if someone does something nice for you, it does not mean they are a Narc either. It takes a few or more different traits to be a narc, which is on a spectrum . For example, people who feel they have to walk on eggshells around a b-cluster/narc/sociopath, may also keep quite when something bothers them. This can come off as silent treatment as well.
I've spent the last five years hating myself, hating him, loving us, hating us, euphoric, miserable, on top of the world, suicidal, when I found the first videos it was by accident. It explains everything. It was like he read the script. I feel like a fool. And I can't stop crying. And the stupidest thing is, I just want him to fix it😢 (and I know now that that's not possible...
Narcissist kindness or say compassion is never truly genuine. They're looking for your emotional fulfillment just satisfy their needs.
It's like they give 10% of themselves a random 3days of the year, expecting 100% from you 356days in return, &supposing you give it, you'll only be accused of taking a leap year to yourself! 🎵"Run for the hills"👣👌
Gilly Mac Haha, "Run for your life!" 100% true.
Gilly Mac ..sooo true ..
So true!
My relatives expect me to do most of the running after and contacting and I find that drains me so I gave up on them. They don't even get a Christmas card from me now. In any kind of friendship or relationship it should be roughly an equal amount of initiating contact not 90% of the time the 'lower status' person or victim doing the contacting and running after.
"It's like they give 10% of themselves a random 3 days of the year, expecting 100% from you 356days in return."
You put it perfectly.
The very fact that we who have come into significant contact with NPD types end up asking so many of the same, odd questions shows how baffling and real and yet slippery this 'label' is. Questions like:
Is there kindness ever genuine?
Do they fell ANY empathy?
Do the know what they are doing, and are they able to control it or not?
etc
My Lord have mercy! These people should all be behind bars!!! I'm 2 months in and the struggles I have had have been beyond anything imaginable to me. It has jacked my head up and left me penniless. This damages so many good people. This truly is a crime in my eyes. It's so psychologically damaging. I have wanted to take my life over this because of all the pain and ache it has Inflicted on me. It has left my head spinning. Good grief. I feel for all of you going through this.
Thank you so much for this video. Just cut a 'friend' of like 5 years out of my life for good. She was so angry and tried to make me feel guilty. It was terrible. And I have always been feeling anxious and worried towards her for years. No one her believed me about the manipulation. My husband finally came around once he saw how nasty she was. And how she used every bit of insecurity I had against me. I'm soooo glad I was able to let her go. And not give in. She wrote me a super long text trying to get a response and I just deleted it and blocked her. It felt amazing. And these videos are really helping me through it. So thank you!!! It's nice to have some clarity, and not feel so crazy.
I can relate so well to your story. Thanks for sharing. 🤗
This is something that many of my clients have a tough time understanding--at first. Over time, they develop a sixth sense for this type of behavior. Thank you for doing this work. I'm always so happy to see other people who are out there helping folks who are stuck in bad situations with narcs and sociopaths.
They're always opportunists
Bingo
My dad pretends to be nice and then acts hateful towards me behind my back. Why are narcissists so... -
Oh my gosh! So true. Be cautious about them being overly nice. The ex narc I used to date was so nice on Christmas Eve and day, but a few days later he turned off his phone on Friday night and came home with a smirk on his face like he was out with another woman. When I look back on it I don't think he was with someone, I think he was just trying to get a rise out of me and cause drama. The good will never last with them! They feed off drama and intentionally cause it. Thank you for your videos!!
The cognitive dissonance kills me. I feel like I'm in a dream. How dare I have these feelings when this person lets me use their car and takes me on nice dates and does this and that. I must be making it all up in my head . It's such a cluster fuck
the cognitive dissonance we've all had because they are crazy. I challenge a psychiatrist to live with a narcissist for 1 year.
Hahaha great idea! Should be a requirement for their training.
most of them are narcissists
Sarah Robbins: Yes I would stay FAR FAR away from a shrink. They will literally shrink your brain AND your wallet.
Besides; once you start getting things like 'mental' on your medical records, you can be much more easily committed against your will and be more susceptible to gaslighting since you're voluntarily going to a mental doctor, and checking yourself' in, so to speak; there's a good video about this called 'Psychiatry, the industry of death.' You'll find the solutions, but seeing someone whose interest is to keep asses in the seats could not necessarily be it. Besides TH-cam is full of awesome help, probably better than most could ever afford and more honest.
🤣🤣🤣
I don't understand how they carry out these elaborate ruses. I don't have the energy, time, or mental capacity to lay out such detailed schemes in order to manipulate others around me. Do they seriously sit down and plot this out step by step, or does it come naturally because that's how they are wired? Is it just perfected over time because they live in this manner every day?
Joanna Payne They have no conscience or empathy so it comes naturally to them. No energy goes into it. And over time they perfect their manipulation. It's just that they've tried things and found out whether they worked or not & went from there.
It's that many times they're underachievers that have had to cheat to get through life and have very little confidence in their ability. Many times they flunked in school or their "parents held them back" and they're usually scarred for life about this and feel truly lacking; they'll even brag how cold they can be. So, often, they're lazy thinkers and take the easiest route to an answer, like a person that calls you instead of Googling something; they'll even ask you if you're at the computer rather than go do it themselves. Watch out for the person that constantly ask you to remind them of things, trying to turn you into their assistant, on the sly, and since you care, you'll know worry and remember to remind them; very selfish psychic vampirism. A TV Show that showed what these people can be like was HOUSE About the evil genius Dr. that wouldn't even talk to his patients since they would just lie anyway; now that guy was diabolical in his narcissistic ways. It's good training to know what to watch out for and how miserable some people truly are.
@@Str0ng1 This one narcissist was a housemate of mine - She looked average/pretty in the face but had the body of a victoria's secret model. She would trapse around the house in a string bikini and take whatever she wanted even if it didn't belong to her. I remember I went hiking with her and a friend of mine I introduced her to. I tell bikini girl that I admire her figure and that she inspires me to work out more, as I was trying to lose about 10 pounds of vanity weight. She suddenly goes postal and barks at me to stop giving her compliments and that she's sick of hearing it from people. I was so shocked at how rude she was.. Then my "friend" chimes in and says that she agrees with bikini girl and understand why she would feel that way-- kissing her ass to get closer to her power. Bikini girl attracted a lot of attention. I later realized bikini girl was just mad that I wasn't jealous of her and had the nerve to think I could look as good as she does. She did forgive me and because I was such a nice person, she figured I could take care of the loose ends for her when she moved out, you know... mail some packages, etc. for her. I was like... bye felicia. Don't let the door hit you on your bare ass.
Being a covert narcissist is probably like a full time job, and you can tell when they are running the game with multiple people because they're always exhausted. Once you're out, you can see it so easily but when you're in a relationship with them you just think, oh they're so tired because they work so hard at whatever fake thing.
@@Str0ng1 so true on the lazy thinker comment.
I wish I knew this 10 years ago. So thankful to know this now, as this puts everything into perspective. Thank you.
Oh yea super good person " look at me how good I am". Meanwhile the lies and the cheating is going on unknowingly to you.
yeah, always helping random people in the street, saying "look how good I am, I hope you don't mind I help people". Backstabbing you when you can't see him. Sick
Cristina H exactly!!!!!
An ex of mine was like that and always on the look out for somebody who might need help which he gave to them without asking them if they wanted it first.
Yep, met this type of person a lot. They end up causing much suffering down the road. I end up hating them.
Light after Darkness wow yes. so awfull
Listening to this video I am reminded of how some of my former girlfriends viewed my acts of generosity with suspicion. Except I didn't want anything in return but to be loved, respected, cherished. This is another manner in which the evil of narcissism seeks to pollute our world - to taint sincerity and generosity with suspicion of motives. Yet my acts of generosity are really still without expectation, these girlfriends were always free to leave at anytime. And they left, and I heard FROM EVERY ONE OF THEM later. No, you could do better, you wanted out, and now you are out, and I no longer love you, and that is that.
Something else the narcissist does is use clever techniques to get you to talk about either your passions or your problems while not giving anything away of themselves (if you ask them question about them they will get cagey) and then accuse you of being self absorbed. To get you to talk about your passions they ask open ended questions until they hit the right button. To get you to talk about your problems they will give a fake sympathetic look. Don't fall for it.
lemsip great advice i keep mine to me now
lemsip I was always the one talking. He would just sit there acting like he was listening but at the same time giving little to no eye contact and just enough responses to keep me going. Unfortunately, he knew everything about me and I really didn’t know much about him in a intimate way. I was always wondering what he was thinking or feeling. In the end he used all that knowledge about me in a cruel way. He was a introverted covert type.
Jesus, this is my ex through and through.. he listened to some pretty heavy stuff i divulged to him early on. But he never or hardly said anything about himself and whatever he did say was not much. He eventually used what i told him to throw in my face Time and time again. I noticed he never allowed me to meet his mum or sister just kept a story of he doesn’t get along with them and doesn’t want their negativity to ruin what we have.
@@nikkic83 ahh no. This sounds like my fiancé.
@@cjcampbell8177 hiiiiiigghly relate to this. He knew my deepest traumas but I didn’t even know what he studied at school …
The covert narc is the ultimate Trojan Horse. Insideous stuff.
Always have something they are covering up such as alcoholism, abuse of somebody vulnerable and close to them or ruthless political ambition with no sympathy towards unemployed people who they see as scroungers.
Grace Colleen. Well said! You just described perfectly my malignant narc "mother." Trojan Horse indeed.
It's funny to hear and find this slang of 'Narc' for these people, because the connotations are all of sleazy behavioural patterns used to gain advantage unbeknownst, for a later strike. Snakes in the grass, and they're everywhere; some of the common traits I've found is an obsession with laundry and their appearance, even though they can often be somehow disgusting, either how they eat, or chew, something that is way out awkward.
Gloriana, yes, they are very deceitful, sadistic people.
Trump, the Trojan horse. It's not his fault. Damn Deep State. He's trying so hard for us. Lol
How do I stop meeting these people? Almost everyone I have ever attracted in my life are cluster bs. Im 38. Losing hope that theres good people actually out there.
I could have written this comment myself :( how are you doing, a year later?
this is what keeps people stuck in the denial stage. one thing that helped me was when i'd be venting to someone about the horrible mean things they'd do to me and my family they 'd be like but i thought you said they were such a good person? i would have to think about it like yea you are rt maybe they aren't such a good person. Say the narc parent does all this stuff for the kids or appears to be the family man but yet never spends time with his kids, is always gone, never gets their children. Are they really such a good parent? ...Remember the "gifts" ALWAYS come with strings attached.
They are white washed tombs full of dead men's bones.
I have a coworker who was very kind and supportive of me when I was first hired. She spent so much time giving me advice and helping me, taking me shopping, taking me out to eat, and so on. But at times it was all too much, and she would get involved with my life when I didn't ask. She became nosy and would jump in and do things for me when I didn't want her to. She would also gossip about other coworkers, which made me uncomfortable. When I got to the point of setting boundaries with her, she went off on me and cut me off entirely. Now, she shuns me, literally turning her back to me if she sees me at work. I have worked to recover from the experience, and now I just ignore her, choosing not to react to anything she does. She still tries to annoy me, but I don't show any response. I care about her, but I have learned that I cannot help her. Other coworkers have had similar experiences with her, and I have spent time getting to know them better and finding them to be allies for me.
You have a way of articulating things. I can tell you have experienced this firsthand. It makes what you say very engaging and helps a lot! Thank you
I totally agree with everything said in this video. I was puzzled by the acts of kindness too. Cognitive dissonance can really cripple you until you realize that was the whole point.
Well said. Cognitive dissonance is a strong sedative. Can keep you in the relationship for years longer than you should stay.
I decided to go no contact with my mother after 41 years of being emotionally abused. Im 41 years old and have never had true intimacy or a long term relationship. I realized I wasted decades chasing after love from my mother which I never got, or will ever get. So I've made the conscious decision to contact her once a year. My next scheduled check in is 12-24-2019.
I know people like to clump cluster b disorders together but they are truly a spectrum. I have BPD traits and CPTSD and it's far left from Narcs and antisocial .
I know people have gotten abuse from BPD before and I guess I'm here to say it's not a one size fits all. For me at least.
With mine, it has invariably proved to be a ploy to simply draw me close so they can cut my throat. Throat cutting when I'm confident and happy gives them bliss. Sorry, it's bad, but that's the long and short of it, and I am soon to turn 67.
Carly Corday that’s a good visual to describe narc abuse. It’s like my mom threatening to cancel my wedding and blowing up on me after I just had a baby. So sick 😷
Trauma bonding certainly is a dangerous tactics.
The cognitive dissonance is unbelievable.
Rebirth sucks the life out of us emotionally
Yes ma'am. I would just sit a whole day and battle with my brain going back-and-forth like ping pong. Me logically knowing the reality says this but it would always pop in my head, -but this, but that happened, he said did this or that and then I will be back there again ready to call or give in to what he said. Then I will find myself going all over again the cycle was AWFUL!!
ToKnowThyself_03 me too. The back and forth. Spent too long doing that
Right????? My dad after a week of being out of the house is like, "You want to eat? I made you some lunch ☺"
Guess what I hear him talking so much garbage about me the walls of his room every single day. Hates confrontation and does damage control, pretends to be an Amazing Father but is very abusive, never apologizes. Makes it out that I'm crazy, and then I come to my senses it's never because of the abuse the put me through, but because it's "conspiracy theories". And as soon as I show him a video of his abuse, he goes berserk. It's cognitive dissonance at its best. My mom is a long ass story because she never spent genuine time with me and when I confront her she pretends she never did anything. But acts the same way as my father as soon as I show a video of them. Crazy.
Many Tricks up their sleeve is what I noticed, they do this at every opportunity they get.
When you volunteer alongside this type of narcissist it is hell. The smugness is unbearable. I've encountered them in litter picking groups as they boast of always taking their litter home and not using litter bins.
They may start volunteering in the same project a year or two after you start and within months have taken over the project and the project manager has delegated many of their duties to them. Happened on a garden project where the project manager would sit down at morning breaks and ask for inputs and let us know what the future plans were. A few months after this narc started the project manager would only confer with the narc as she had been manipulated by the narc. I must have been the only one to be able to see through the narc who picked this up and asked why I was being rude to her when she had been so 'nice and friendly' towards me. I confronted her and let her know exactly what I thought of her.
On another garden project set up by a self employed chef with pop up restaurants a local by-election candidate took over that I hadn't seen when first helping out with clearing the garden space. It was just something she got involved in to get selected for the coming by-election and she soon took over the Facebook group and was co-coordinating volunteers. She also had no sympathy for young unemployed people and said that they weren't prepared to look hard enough for work or were too proud to take jobs in coffee shops and restaurants.
I was warned once that a lot of criminal types hide in charities and voluntary projects. Many of these smug narcissistic people have something to hide such as alcoholism, drug addiction or ruthless political ambition. Jimmy Savile would volunteer in hospitals to get close to patients to sexually abuse them.
Have you ever heard the Bible verse that says: Satan and his minons come disguised as angels of light? Which means they put on a righteous act in order to manipulate and deceive.
Wow! You explained so much in this video! I am in this type of relationship with my mom! Leads to a whole lot of guilt. Thank you for validating.
Mary Lee: Narcissists are evil and unrighteous (Biblically speaking). 2 Tim 3:1-5 says to "turn away" from these kinds of people and the description is TO THE TEE for Narcissists! "Turn away" is Divine instruction for No Contact. And there is no exception listed for Narc parents. These kinds of parents deserve NO HONOR irrespective of how much man made religion attempts to twist Scripture to fit their own predatory agendas.
@@reesedaniel5835 you are absolutely right on that one. Good point. Narcs love twisting religious dogma and any other significant ideology to suit their diabolical agenda.
I completely figured that out & told him you only do nice stuff to get stuff in return I know what and who you are...talk about narcissist injury and rage ..the devaluing started at that point..but I beat him to it and discarded him first what an evil human.
I have no idea where I read this, but it says "if you do something for someone else expecting something in return, you my friend are not practising charity, you are doing business".
I was just getting involved in the guilt trip again ( in my mind) & your video saved my Mind
I at the age of 17, married a narc whom was 19 (was generous money-wise, right after the wedding I was only called, his wife...he even called me :wife: O.o), after 3yr approximately I ran away with my two babies at the age of 19...I hated him soo much it scared the shyt out of me. I mean for the first time I could not feel joy, lol really because I felt he may be enjoying himself out there somewhere. I felt numb though I had two beautiful babies, I was lucky, for I was too proud to let anyone know. But the inside numbness scared me more than anyone, I was not a church-goer (still do not), and I did not know how to pray...one day I dropped to my knees in despair and plead with the Heavenly power to help me!!! I do not know when the moment came but about 1 week, I look up and noticed I was laughing and loving again and there were no hate i n me im, I never went back to him, even his own family and friends would not tell where I lived...he was that bad. 60+ now and do not hate, nor have I since that time, loved again and had two more children (common-law he ruined me for marriage), after about 10years, I allowed him to visit for the kids but the rule was his current spouse had to be with him, I have been very pleased with my love and my narc is responsible for leading me to the comfort in knowing there is an heavenly power that care about us.
Just learning that I have trauma after narcissistic abuse, altruistic narcissistic exists! Lived it first hand
I'm so happy you posted this! I used to wonder why I keep feeling like I needed to be validated on my ex's behavior. I used to wonder was I exaggerating or was he really trying to manipulate me. Now I see that's a normal process. People that haven't been in this kind of relationship, don't understand. Thank you so much for this!
The line I remember most is "I could bring up the time I did ___, but it's not like I do." when I didn't like what he'd do it would always come down to he did something for before so it's okay.
Or "Can't you ever think about me for once" when I'm feel like bending over backwards, sacrificing my beliefs, my mind, and sanity just so they can be happy or just they can drop it.
Or my favorite, I got told "No" when I asked if we could just agree to disagree. Out the mouth of a man who had been a friend since I was 16 till I was 26.
He prided himself the intellectual and I loved good debate as much as next person but he'd never let it go and then it would get personal. I would be "the only woman who has a brain" and he'd tell me "It's too bad you don't need it."
I never wanted to believe she was being kind for some sort of benefit. Now that I went no contact this all makes sense. Her kindness was used against me when I complained how I gave so much to the relationship. She would remind me of the smallest things she would do for me and try to make me feel guilty. She also didn't have a filter she would blurt out the most meanest low blows and then say I was too sensitive. So much information here. Thanks this has helped me with my healing.
BRILLIANT - "perceived acts of kindness" Thank you for your Clarity and Understanding...
How to know the difference is - genuine kindness is just done naturally, most of the time you have no idea how much they really do for others on a daily basis & coverts definitely point out to other folks that they did a kind gesture. They always have an angle to their kindness like I’ll scratch your back if you do mine. I’ve seen coverts brag about their so called kind acts. It’s definitely a FAKE kindness ! You feel it when you experience it.
Mine actually told me on many occasions, "I'm the nicest guy you'll ever meet". I had to hold back from laughing
🤣
Thank you! I am still getting mind screwed from a professional narc like this. I convinced myself he wants to be the person he presents but every chance he gets with me he plays a gotcha game. I trick myself into going back because of his " kindness"but soon feel the burn.
"False sense of security that you're gonna lean into just get hurt and smacked down." True. Really True. Yes these are plotted in advanced.
Thank you. It's synchronicity when I find your videos because you answer questions I have. I have known these types of personalities and they do lay on guilt trips.
Meredith you have light glowing from you! I am sorry for whatever happened to you earlier in your life. You have a very clear and conscious way of expressing yourself -- it's such a gift to me. Thank you.
So true. Mine came in a firefighter's form. Told me he loved to help others. Was constantly helping everyone around him to a point where it seemed extreme. Gave me his Netflix password like 2 weeks in, said if there was anything I needed, anything, money, etc he would give it to me. (I never asked for any of these things) it's like he was showering me with help I never asked for.
Who ever tells you, you are wrong, they are delusional. You are awesome.
Ugh. That is sooo my mom.
The "good" and "cool" mother AND she would call herself that and ask us if she was that CONSTANTLY.
An ex used this "kindness". When it was used against me, I answered: " I didn't ask for it!" He got angry..
Their actions never ever follow their words or their words match their actions.
I was thinking about this on a deeper level. And as I have Been a victim to many narc and their abuse.
I have definitely taken the denial route and gotten the trauma Bond.
I have chosen to start trusting others again i just choose more deserving people to give my gift of trust.
Its a win win for me healing from abuse
Thank you!
I think that when you are open you learn the hard way. You have to learn to refuse being abuse.
And apart from staying no contact do not focus on it focus on what makes you happy.
# I refuse being abused
I have Also been victim of smearing campaigns. No more.
ITS SO SCARY COMING OUT OF THIS EVERY TIME I THINK OF IT SO MUCH FEAR COMES UP FOR ME
My narcissist would hide my belongings, they would tell me it was to teach me a lesson, and I would beleive I lost it, usually something important for a one time event, and then months later, they would bring it out and laugh and tell me they hid it to teach me a lesson, and by then, I would have moved on, and didn't require it anymore.
This explains so much with a coworker! The few kind acts, which were small, make me question myself and make me feel quilt for thinking they were crazy!
Everything in this video describes my mother perfectly. Wow. My whole life I got crap from her and my family because I would stand up to her, but then they would try piling on guilt. Thanks for posting!
He actually told me that he needed people to think he was nice.
WOW. Unbelievable, truly. First off this video and all you convey here couldnt have spoken to me any better than it does. COMPLELTELY hits home for me with regard to my foo (family info origin) AND.....what's so unbelievable? Well, one of my siblings actually went to Haiti to participate I relief efforts of a sort (though he was paid for the work he did there) and he is a TOTAL narcissist, my mothers favorte "can do no wrong" son, and because of how he's treated me and how I've seen the writing on the wall with respect to him for several years now I've had to keep him at a great distance as in, essentiallly, no contact. So, when you said Haiti ...I was just like, "OMG this doesn't get anymore REAL!" Bravo! Thank you SO MUCH for covering this topic, Meredith! ❤️
* of (not "info")
very well put, Meredith. i got raised receiving gifts from my aunt since the day one. i only started to question it once when i honestly hated the dress she bought me and refused very politely, she still said ''all right, i will give it to someone else, who can REALLY appreciate it.'' made me feel terrible. now i'm the bad guy for not accepting any more of this kindness and even my mother says it's not nice ''since she's done all those nice things for me''. that's like a textbook example of how those people can disrupt even your other relationships with being so ''altruistic''.
so why is your mother siding with your Aunt in this? does she not trust your perception?
Thank you for this video. And thank God for these labels. I have just had an encounter with an altruistic narcissist/sociopath and it was incredibly confusing.
I asked the universe for a big hearted man and when i found this guy i thought all my dreams had come true. He was so generous and even wanted to create alternative healing centres for people with cancer. He'd been to the Calais jungle, been at fracking protest camps, helped his neighbours with their CV's, even gave a homeless man £5 he'd just found on the floor even though he had little money himself. Wow. What a man.
Yet, when we were alone he'd start blaming me for things that were his responsibility, he told me that i was scaring him with my intensity- even though he'd been just as intense in my opinion, and that i was crazy and needed therapy - over and over again. It felt very wrong, although at first i tried to take his words on board - maybe he was just trying to help me because he was such a kind person.
When the blaming, gaslighting, angry outbursts and cruelty continued i realised that this was not ok and told him so. I think perhaps at that point he realised i wasn't an easy target and i was instantly disgarded, but not before threatening to tell 'everyone' what type of a person i was and threating to get me sectioned because i was so crazy. At that moment clarity decended - aha this guy is an altruistic narcissist.
The whole experience has completely shattered my ego and, as this isnt my first encounter with this type of person, I'm using this as an opportunity to reach a truer part of myself so i can heal this area of my life properly, but its still hard to let go of the fantasy. I really thought I'd found a good'un 😢
"blaming me for things that were his responsibility." Huge red flag of a narcissistic. Glad you figured it out. This guy is a bad human.
unreal. so bang on. I can't believe how you put this all together. so accurate. thankyou so much.
Spot on! The kindness will back fire and they smear you behind your back and help them play the victim card when things go wrong.
My final validation came after weeks of cold stoning. I was amazed how quickly the narc carried on as though the passed 25 years were unimportant. Not really concerned about fixing or figuring out what went wrong.
Buzzhawk Is "cold stoning" grey rocking?
Gilly Mac its the British way of saying it, yes
nun ya I'm Scottish, mais gracias😂! You think i would've heard of it I s'pose that's what Britain is, a cold stone😝
Now I'm CONFUSED!
We (in the US) have a phrase "stone-walling"....that's something like "refusing to engage"...giving "the cold shoulder"....or just making one's disapproval known by such means ...as a form of covert "punishment"or "passive aggression".
Isn't "grey-rocking" more like a technique to remain less visible...or to appear less "useful" to a narcissist?...which might also involve some attempt not to engage any more than necessary, but it's not done as an act of aggression, but rather as form of self-protection?.
So this "cold stoning"....is that more like what I've described as the US "stone-walling"?
Sorry everyone, cold stoning was a mis-speak-typo. Must have been thinking about ice cream and the Cold Stone Creamery LOL. I did mean to say cold rock, but cold stoning does sounds better. And No, I am not British.
I won't be responding to any feedback. I have learned so much about Narcissism and I've realized so long as I think about it I will not get over it (the Narcissist). Time to move on and like I said, "My final validation came...". I'm over and done with this experience and a better person for it. For that, I am grateful.
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I would like to give a great big THANK YOU to Meredith and Inner Integration. I really connected with you explanations and your way of thinking. Thank you.
Wow, you nailed the altruistic narc. Mine even says he's an altruist. Disappeara for days, says evil things, calls me ungrateful, all for the appearance to the public and to justify his abuse toward me! My problems begin when I call him out....pure hell!You are so correct, thank you because I have questioned myself but known it wasn't right. I needed to hear that your message to confirm my doubt. God bless you for your insight😇
Totally spot on Meredith! Everything you explained so brilliantly resonated with me. Thank you!
I agree with this, the reason I do is because when they do not get the response they want they begin their mean nonsense all over again. And, yes, they always tell others about their good deeds.
That's exactly what he did to me!!!
Always did things for me around the house 'Mr handyman ' Then he did things for my parents around the house!!! Always made me feel obliged to always answer his calls and open the front door for him wherever he felt like coming past for coffee!!!!
But when i saw that 'Narcissistic glare' in his eyes i discarded him the same way he use to discard me in the past!!! I immediately went 'No contact 'and blocked him from messenger, whats app and his phone number!!!!
I bet he didn't see that coming!!!!
Thank you, for all your information on 'Narcissists 'and for all your support!!
ohh damn, my ex was like that I'm a good guy mr fix it now you owe me something you can't part with!
Meredith! This is the so incredibly helpful to me today. Wow, you did an excellent job with this. My soon to be ex husband is a complete covert narc and all of his random acts of kindness to me over the years has his family (and some of mine) and friends under the illusion that his is so great. I truly believe at least with him, that it is totally unconscious of him. This is not to make an excuse I promise - but I think he is so under the veil of consciousness that he doesn't even have a clue of his sick covert control. Healing from my extreme mind fu*% of cognitive dissonance is like light just pouring into my life. I thank you for your help along my journey. Namaste
I was very kind and giving to my ex... did so much for him and like a true empath just wanted to make him happy.... but every little thing he did and there weren't that many he would rub it in constantly... I couldn't believe it... and you can point it out to them with no effect... I'm so glad I ran into all this info on narcissists because my ex-husband was a classic, in fact I think most of my longer term relationships were with narcissists because I was so willing to give and they loved to take
Me too
My mother would give me things that I didn't ask for, and sometimes things that I specifically said I didn't want. She also would give me things that were of considerably less than she would give to my sister, which I see now was a form of triangulation. You are so right that narcs will expect something in return. I am so wary now. Don't enter into favours as a form of currency. They give you something, their decision. I don't owe them anything.
right on. when I mizz and heartache & depress over the Narzi, (after a year of no contact), golly, this video helps me get my mind straightened out.
Dear Meredith Miller a very warm endearing big hug to you.,. You are the best speaker out there on narcissistic abuse... And I want to thank you so much for all your help you have really pulled me through a lot of anguish and pain... I was even hit by a car right in front of my flower shop., I know was done on purpose... He went into his insurance agent saying woo woo he's me... I don't even get to drive the car and I have to pay the bill woaa woaa woaa... Complain complain complain 45 years of friendship of course she's going to want to help her friend
Merideth! How timely for me to hear this now. Your analysis that the cognitive dissonance of the conflicting concept of that individual as either good or malevolent results in a hypnotic trance is so spot on. I have never heard it put that way by anyone else before but I know exactly what you mean.
This immediately brings to mind footage I saw recently on Planet Earth II of a cuttlefish using a luminous rolling stripe pattern on it's skin to hypnotize a crab so it could get within stringing distance. I realize I'm anthropomorphising, but I swear the crab looked terrified as the cuttlefish moved closer but he was powerless to retreat. Luminous displays are but one form of energy; somehow what the disordered individual does is very much like what the cuttlefish does. We can't see it but we still sense it in our body in other ways.
Oh! A connection just hit me.
Some things you said here sounded familiar, but I just realized it was for a different type of predator.
I once took a class from CA Child Protectice Services so I could work at a YMCA teaching children. There was a statistic that pedophiles quite often work with their prey. They are perceived as wonderful people who "love" children and do amazing things in the community for children. Same with this type of covert narcissist. They are just using the same tactics on an adult.
I feel like you guys are watching my life from a distance.
This is my NMIL. Spot. On. You're exactly right, that side of the family looks at me like I'm nuts because I'm not sweeping every nasty thing she's done to me under the rug because she is "generous". I've changed my social media settings to severely limit her access to my feeds since she started playing mind games with my 11 year old last year. NMIL usually sends me a small check for my birthday every year. This year, she sent me a smaller check for mother's day as well. She's trying to buy her way back in to have access to my social media. I knew it the minute I saw that check. She also made a point of mentioning it, finding an excuse to say something when we finally went to her house a few months later. She was sooooo well behaved during the visit. She's looking to hoover me back in. I am fully expecting her to attack the next time she gets a chance. She is expert at playing the long game. I've known her for decades. It's what she does and who she is. She's also always playing up her sufferings to gain sympathy from everyone around her. It's so incredibly frustrating that she has everyone convinced she's not doing all this stuff on purpose, even my husband.
I am recognizing many things on some members within my family that resonates with what you're saying.
I went no contact 2 weeks ago with a friend because I could no longer live with extreme generousity on one hand and abuse at the other hand. If there was one person in the world I never expected to be a narcissist it would be her. With her spiritual powers, her tolerance, her kindness and her generousity.
3 years ago she invited me on a holiday to Spain and, boy, did I see a different side to her. Occasional snide remarks that left me confused and bewildered.
This change in attitude increased over the past few years until I found myself apologizing for my very existence and believing that something's seriously wrong with me.
I broke my leg 5 months ago and underwent surgery. She and her husband bought groceries for me, picked up medicine, did my laundry and cleaned my flat. It sounds wonderful, but every gesture was accompanied by sarcastic and demeaning remarks. One example on how that looks: She was scrubbing the floor in my front room, while I was on the couch. Suddenly she looked up at me and said: You Danish people can't even scrub a floor properly. But we Finnish people knows how to get the job done!
Then followed a demo of the difference and while my name wasn't mentioned in this weird comment, I was the only Dane in the room.
My point with this analogy is that the gesture of someone cleaning your house while you're incapacitated is no longer a gesture if you as the reciever of the gesture is being belittled in the proces. Imagine if you had paid for that service and the service was delivered with insults ... would you wish to let them back into your home? Would you respond immediately to any snide remarks with a "Get the h*** out of my house? But when someone 'gives' you something you tend to be in a humble place which makes it difficult to react. I believe that's called manipulation.
Im just amazed how you know so much. Its the perfect description of my narscistic dad with every minute detail.
This is right on the money for my mom :/
If my mother does something as simple as give you a cookie, she will go on and on and on about it for DAYS or longer demanding about 50 "thank you's" while saying her favorite phrases to demand those *thanks* which are
"Wasn't that nice of me?"
*yes, and i already said thanks twice*
"I think it was nice of me to give that to you, did you ever say thank you?"
*yes, i have said thanks 4 times now for the one cookie you gave me*
"Did you like that cookie? Didn't seem like you did, i thought it was really nice of me to go out of my way to do that for you"
*Yes i said i loved it a dozen times, i thanked you a dozen times, i told you how nice and generous you are a dozen times... for that one cookie you gave me 3 days ago*
Then of course, the finally, she provokes a fight whenever she's bored and if you dare stand up for yourself:
"I can't believe you snapped at me today, so rude! I can't believe you would talk to me like that after that cookie i gave you last week, that was so nice of me and now look at how rude you are to me, you don't appreciate me at all! You never even thanked me for that cookie, you are soooo ungrateful!" -crocodile tears-
I deal with N's who definitely have genuine kindness. It depends how screwed up they are, how total their narcissism is. Partial narcissism is part & parcel in my Southern US culture, and these people are literally codependent & narcissist at same time. I don't care what anybody says, I've lived through this for my half century life, and it is real.
Still it is NO REASON whatsoever to allow yourself to get close to them, let them derail your life etc. Great video! You are so right about how they are.
Subscribed!
Iahel Cathartes Aura Sooooo true! Looking back, there were no healthy relationships in my Alabama family. I wish that was an exaggeration but unfortunately it isn't. I'm now in a 30 year relationship with a Narc/sociopath and planning my escape.
Iwill Survive: Former Alabamian here as well and the only healthy relationship I had in my family on either side was my paternal grandparents. I always wondered why I felt so loved and calm at their house but anxious and depressed at mine. Now I know. Unfortunately, they died a few years before I fully woke up. Now I have no family to support me. It's almost as if the Narc and her minions waited until my beloved Grandparents died before they began to fully show their serpent fangs. They knew I didn't have anyone and they had already destroyed my reputation in the eyes of my aunts, uncles and cousins so that when I turned to them for support I got nothing but stone walled.
Narcissists are all codependent too. There’s the codependent & their spouse, the narcissist. Hello from Australia 🇦🇺
I cannot believe I am just learning about narcissism this year. I wish more people knew about this. I wish I could share this on all of my social medias but that would just make me look like the bad guy because my abuser was the altruistic covert narcissist. Everyone knows we just had a falling out and everyone loves her. There are only a couple of people who know how twisted and manipulative she really is. The last six years have been hell because I'm a narc magnet and it took me that long to figure it out. 3 narcs within 6 years. The last one was by far the worst and I think that's how I found myself searching for answers online.
Thank you for your content, inner integration.
My ex boyfriend is definitely a type of altruistic narcissist. Describes him perfectly. He didn't volunteer at all, but he prided himself on being nice and helpful to others.
It's interesting to see photos online of narcissist relatives I'm not attached to for yrs. Wedding pics look so great. Spouse looks on cloud 9. Then in about a year later you see new recent pics. And the narc still looks great. But the spouse has a look in their eye... Maybe I'm reading that into my perception. But their eyes are "opened up" to the bad guy. They're spinning I'm sure in the back of their mind. Oh dear. Very tragic.
In any case one thing that is consistent, they can never keep up the facade they will ALWAYS without a doubt...do things that shows they are what they are...a great example of a milder one but definitely is that Kardashian mother...for sure. Even on that show you do not see her love from any on that show...ughhh imagine when the cameras are not running...O.o
Had this happen the other day! Thank God I'm aware now! Ty Meredith for cementing my thoughts on this!
Thank you so much for this. I've had a hard time believing 100% that mine was a Covert Narc because of all the small acts of kindness he did for me... my knight in shining armour, always rescuing me when I was ill, in trouble, had a home emergency. It did not fit in with his cruelty to me in the things that really matter (he refused to commit, cheated on me, constantly criticised me, lied to me, allowed only crumbs, dangled other women in my face, threw tantrums when he didn't get his way, and imposed the silent treatment if I didn't obey him and agree with him).
Now you have explained how to reconcile the Saint with the Narc... it all makes perfect sense. Mine is a Covert Altruistic Narc. When I caught him cheating for the 4th time, and that time decided I had had enough, and dumped him, he emailed me listing all the acts of fake kindness he'd done, as though he was arguing that, as he had 'banked' all that goodwill with me, I ought to let him bang as many other women as he likes and never complain. He thinks he's 'paid for' my compliance with those acts of fake kindness!
Yes, my mother gave me money towards my house, but she has treated me really, really disrespectfully at times and if I try to call her out on it she gets so angry so quickly. Reverse Martyr, naught to sixty, and I"m left like, what, I was the one who was hurt. I saw a therapist and she said that gratitude is a very narrow emotional range even when you are genuinely grateful. That really helped. I saw that I was not obliged to feel NOTHING but gratitude. When I took money for my house, I did not agree to being scapegoated or having my wishes ignored or mocked.
Perfect video for what I'm experiencing now. She was absolutely terrible last year, even trying to getbme in legal trouble. A year later, she approaches me asking to be friends even giving me things she has never done before. Definitely concerning so thank you for the advice to be on guard. My friends are also warning me she would take me out the second she gets a chance to.
My ex narcissist went out of his way to help neighbors, friends and my connections..
It wasent until later when I wanted to get away,- that I understood why he worked so hard to gain them as alias..Those same people did not believe me..
Right they're so evil
Narcissists in public life and politics always present themselves as benefactors, donors, saviours of mankind. Beware! It's just the persona, but most people believe the image. They need to listen to your wise words! Thank you, Meredith!