I’m in recovery for 4 years and used emotion body code and resonance repatterning to work through my own shit. I’ve been without a relationship on purpose to not sidetrack me. Never felt better and my life is awesome
My Husband has unhealthy relationships with family, kids and me! Thats why I am currently separating from him! We tried and tried for 25years! We just cant anymore! I realize its not me! He has deeper problems. He has unhealthy Relationships with basically everyone Mom, kids, me cousins dad, aunts, uncle. Except for his friends!! Its sad because hes actually a good person!! He just don't know how to have close personal or intimate relationships with his family.
Oooof, power was big in my last relationship. And we were both aware of it and pointed it out on multiple occasions. It was super hot! Until it wasn't. Lots of talk like: "I probably shouldn't be spending so much time with you, but I'm weak to you." Or, "you couldn't make me do that even if you wanted to, I have a lot of power over you." When I had the power to get what I wanted from her, It felt AMAZING! And when we both felt equal power dynamics, it felt safe and loving. But when she had all the power, I felt like an anxious wreck. It bounced back and forth constantly. Really toxic... and we both knew it was, but it was exciting... until it wasn't.
I guess I'm that guy. There was a point where my gf just wanted space and silence. I'd ask why but to her it was normal for someone to request that and that I should understand it. I wanted an explanation, a reason but she just couldn't give me any. So, I protest, nag about it. Then eventually argue about the distancing and avoidance from her. It got to a point where I saw her visually exhausted, drained by something. I felt horrible because I started to blame myself for it but she never said anything. This is where I started to take the responsibility, I wanted to find ways to "fix her". I bought her vitamins to boost up her mood, even suggested therapy because I said she was depressed. But that didn't end well. She took it as I insulted her by calling her crazy. I pushed her and dragged her to hike, join a gym with me, made her call her friends so she can hangout with them. But, nothing worked. I still saw her miserableness. That's when arguments started, that's when I accused her for not caring, being unaffectionate, avoidant, apathetic towards everything. That's when she started to say "you're making me think I'm crazy!" That's where I would respond back "you're not yourself! Look at you! You just want to lay in bed all day, watch TV all day, close yourself off from me and everything! Tell me what's wrong!?" But she would just hold all that resentment and anger towards me quietly. I persisted, I pushed on and I studied about CBT, about attachment styles, about depression and anxiety. Then I shared that information with her, maybe something would click in her and say "yeah, that's it!" Nothing. She took it as if I'm attacking her character, her personality and I ended up smothering her and became too intense. After months of arguing and not knowing what to do, I became defeated. I would ruminate in thoughts about her leaving me, about losing everything we worked so hard to built together. Depression hit me hard to the point where I wouldn't sleep or eat. Then she popped the question, she wanted to end it between us. That's where this wave of blame, self doubt and questions came. "Why couldn't I fix this?", "What did I do wrong?", "Why couldn't I figure out what was going on?". We would argue horribly, she say I'm a narcissist and probably with BPD. I started to believe that and I researched the shit out of that but none of that stuff I read and watched made me think "oh that's me!" Yet, she ended up convincing herself that I was a narcissist. So, I sit here, thinking that maybe I'm just too blind to see those patterns, that maybe I am a narcissist and that I did gaslighted her and make her think she's crazy. I don't know anymore...
Honestly dude, it really depends on what kind of space she wanted and how she went about it. Maybe she was demanding too much from you. If quality time is a big component of a relationship for you, it's understandable that you would get upset if she demanded too much space. Because you arnt getting what you need from the relationship. And in the end, if shes trying to convince you that you have some sort of personality disorder because you wanted to spend time with her, SHE'S probably the asshole here. Something very Similar happened to me. We would talk all day everyday, and see each other constantly. Then one day she doesn't return a text (very unusual), and so I tell her that I'm worried about her. She says that she was busy. Being busy was never a problem before in the entirety of our relationship, and I inform her of that. She ends up blaming me, and calling me an ass for being concerned for her well being. She then continues to ignore texts and be generally unresponsive, and I'm too scared to point it out. I start getting anxiety attacks, asking if shes going to leave me, and she basically tells me I need to get my shit together and blames me for a bunch of stuff. This all left me feeling crazy. I actually started to think I had BPD or something. The trust in our relationship completely evaporated because of all this. I didnt feel comfortable bringing up problems in the relationship, and she used this to treat me like dirt. The gaslighting got worse. She'd guilt trip me all the time. And in the end she started telling me that I needed to get therepy. I WAS obsessed. I do probably need therepy. But its entirely because of her treatment, or rather mistreatment of me. Not because of some inherent flaw. After it's all said and done, and since breaking up with her, I came to realize that she really wasn't a trust worthy person and I was right to be concerned about things. I wasn't crazy. It was perfectly natural to be disappointed by her distancing herself and to be concerned about her sudden change in personality. And my obsessive thought patterns came as a result of my trust for her eroding do to her betrayals. Not because I have some personality disorder. You might be being too hard on yourself. Like I was.
Honestly, sounds like aspergers to me. Check it out. Know it is not you. It is a tragedy that neurodiversity exists imo. You've described the typical neurotypical response in a relationship with an aspie. It is M I N D B L O W I N G. Aspie traits sort of appear like narcissism to me, it is sad but good to know imo so you don't self-blame.
Well, I guess I'm a bit of the asshole in some of my relationships. :-) I've def done some of the bad partner behaviors , lol. But I've had them done to me as well. Imma do better, Kristin!! I really enjoy your videos, thank you for your time!
My God, I feel terrible. I know I’m in a toxic relationship. I keep going back because the pain of being without him is unbearable. I feel stuck and resentful. I know I don’t love him, I just to let him go already. Maybe I need to talk to someone who is an expert. I can’t live this way anymore.
You could maybe try attending love addicts anonymous online zoom meeting and see if their stories resonate with you? Or, better yet, go to a meeting in person.
Kristin, What if the man never talks to you, no romance, gets angry when I don't go to his house but I'm unwell and can not always drive. But then he comes over and does things for me like yard work and things. He thiinks its a relationship, but it's like he just wants to be my handyman. What is going through his head.? Should I stay and just let him help me or go no contact as It does confuse me.
I can’t give advice with such little info. I’d encourage you to seek help from a professional or support group. Sexandrelationshiphealing.com has some support groups online.
I’m in recovery for 4 years and used emotion body code and resonance repatterning to work through my own shit. I’ve been without a relationship on purpose to not sidetrack me. Never felt better and my life is awesome
My Husband has unhealthy relationships with family, kids and me! Thats why I am currently separating from him! We tried and tried for 25years! We just cant anymore! I realize its not me! He has deeper problems. He has unhealthy Relationships with basically everyone Mom, kids, me cousins dad, aunts, uncle. Except for his friends!!
Its sad because hes actually a good person!! He just don't know how to have close personal or intimate relationships with his family.
Oooof, power was big in my last relationship. And we were both aware of it and pointed it out on multiple occasions. It was super hot! Until it wasn't.
Lots of talk like: "I probably shouldn't be spending so much time with you, but I'm weak to you."
Or, "you couldn't make me do that even if you wanted to, I have a lot of power over you."
When I had the power to get what I wanted from her, It felt AMAZING! And when we both felt equal power dynamics, it felt safe and loving. But when she had all the power, I felt like an anxious wreck. It bounced back and forth constantly. Really toxic... and we both knew it was, but it was exciting... until it wasn't.
Longtime subscriber from Toronto 🇨🇦 Thanks for sharing the video and please keep them coming.
Really needed this. Thank you , Kristin!
This really opened my eyes. Thank you so much
I guess I'm that guy. There was a point where my gf just wanted space and silence. I'd ask why but to her it was normal for someone to request that and that I should understand it. I wanted an explanation, a reason but she just couldn't give me any. So, I protest, nag about it. Then eventually argue about the distancing and avoidance from her. It got to a point where I saw her visually exhausted, drained by something. I felt horrible because I started to blame myself for it but she never said anything. This is where I started to take the responsibility, I wanted to find ways to "fix her". I bought her vitamins to boost up her mood, even suggested therapy because I said she was depressed. But that didn't end well. She took it as I insulted her by calling her crazy. I pushed her and dragged her to hike, join a gym with me, made her call her friends so she can hangout with them. But, nothing worked. I still saw her miserableness. That's when arguments started, that's when I accused her for not caring, being unaffectionate, avoidant, apathetic towards everything. That's when she started to say "you're making me think I'm crazy!" That's where I would respond back "you're not yourself! Look at you! You just want to lay in bed all day, watch TV all day, close yourself off from me and everything! Tell me what's wrong!?" But she would just hold all that resentment and anger towards me quietly. I persisted, I pushed on and I studied about CBT, about attachment styles, about depression and anxiety. Then I shared that information with her, maybe something would click in her and say "yeah, that's it!" Nothing. She took it as if I'm attacking her character, her personality and I ended up smothering her and became too intense. After months of arguing and not knowing what to do, I became defeated. I would ruminate in thoughts about her leaving me, about losing everything we worked so hard to built together. Depression hit me hard to the point where I wouldn't sleep or eat. Then she popped the question, she wanted to end it between us. That's where this wave of blame, self doubt and questions came. "Why couldn't I fix this?", "What did I do wrong?", "Why couldn't I figure out what was going on?". We would argue horribly, she say I'm a narcissist and probably with BPD. I started to believe that and I researched the shit out of that but none of that stuff I read and watched made me think "oh that's me!" Yet, she ended up convincing herself that I was a narcissist. So, I sit here, thinking that maybe I'm just too blind to see those patterns, that maybe I am a narcissist and that I did gaslighted her and make her think she's crazy. I don't know anymore...
Honestly dude, it really depends on what kind of space she wanted and how she went about it. Maybe she was demanding too much from you. If quality time is a big component of a relationship for you, it's understandable that you would get upset if she demanded too much space. Because you arnt getting what you need from the relationship. And in the end, if shes trying to convince you that you have some sort of personality disorder because you wanted to spend time with her, SHE'S probably the asshole here.
Something very Similar happened to me. We would talk all day everyday, and see each other constantly. Then one day she doesn't return a text (very unusual), and so I tell her that I'm worried about her. She says that she was busy. Being busy was never a problem before in the entirety of our relationship, and I inform her of that. She ends up blaming me, and calling me an ass for being concerned for her well being. She then continues to ignore texts and be generally unresponsive, and I'm too scared to point it out. I start getting anxiety attacks, asking if shes going to leave me, and she basically tells me I need to get my shit together and blames me for a bunch of stuff. This all left me feeling crazy. I actually started to think I had BPD or something. The trust in our relationship completely evaporated because of all this. I didnt feel comfortable bringing up problems in the relationship, and she used this to treat me like dirt. The gaslighting got worse. She'd guilt trip me all the time. And in the end she started telling me that I needed to get therepy. I WAS obsessed. I do probably need therepy. But its entirely because of her treatment, or rather mistreatment of me. Not because of some inherent flaw.
After it's all said and done, and since breaking up with her, I came to realize that she really wasn't a trust worthy person and I was right to be concerned about things. I wasn't crazy. It was perfectly natural to be disappointed by her distancing herself and to be concerned about her sudden change in personality. And my obsessive thought patterns came as a result of my trust for her eroding do to her betrayals. Not because I have some personality disorder.
You might be being too hard on yourself. Like I was.
Honestly, sounds like aspergers to me. Check it out. Know it is not you. It is a tragedy that neurodiversity exists imo. You've described the typical neurotypical response in a relationship with an aspie. It is M I N D B L O W I N G. Aspie traits sort of appear like narcissism to me, it is sad but good to know imo so you don't self-blame.
Well, I guess I'm a bit of the asshole in some of my relationships. :-) I've def done some of the bad partner behaviors , lol. But I've had them done to me as well.
Imma do better, Kristin!! I really enjoy your videos, thank you for your time!
First step to change is awareness!!
Hi Kristen, love your videos, very helpful for me ♡
Great video Kristin . Yet I don't get why a woman appears at the end of video as well at 16.26. Is this editing glitch?
This is an edited version of an hour long webinar that I do for sexandrelationshiphealing.com Tami VerHelst is my co-host
My God, I feel terrible. I know I’m in a toxic relationship. I keep going back because the pain of being without him is unbearable. I feel stuck and resentful. I know I don’t love him, I just to let him go already. Maybe I need to talk to someone who is an expert. I can’t live this way anymore.
You could maybe try attending love addicts anonymous online zoom meeting and see if their stories resonate with you? Or, better yet, go to a meeting in person.
Kristin,
What if the man never talks to you, no romance, gets angry when I don't go to his house but I'm unwell and can not always drive.
But then he comes over and does things for me like yard work and things.
He thiinks its a relationship, but it's like he just wants to be my handyman.
What is going through his head.?
Should I stay and just let him help me or go no contact as It does confuse me.
I can’t give advice with such little info. I’d encourage you to seek help from a professional or support group. Sexandrelationshiphealing.com has some support groups online.