Intimacy Disorders: Love Addict Love Avoidant Toxic Relationship Cycle
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 2 ต.ค. 2024
- Kristin M Snowden, MA, LMFT, CDWF is a seasoned therapist and certified life coach who specializes in treating sex and love addiction recovery, betrayal trauma healing, and other acute, crisis relationship issues. This is one of Kristin's most popular lectures on a common toxic relationship cycle called the Love Addict/Love Avoidant model created by Pia Mellody. It also discussed topics on why humans struggle with intimacy and how their childhood attachment wounds can impact their adult relationships. (This is educational, only. This is not therapy).
She will give us a detailed discussion regarding the physiology of love addiction and avoidance (Toxic Relationship Cycle). More so, she will dig deeper on the chemistry and hormones that play a role in the abuse or trauma. Kristin will reiterate that this relationship pattern can often go unnoticed and untreated without the right interventions and dramatic steps to change the way each partner engages with the other. You will learn that various external factors are unconsciously penetrating our psychological well-being. Kristin also enumerated the feelings we encounter when we divert our true feeling thus we opt to satisfy it with the external things to feel that there is nothing wrong, which is associated to addiction.
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#loveaddiction #attachmentstyles #avoidantattachment #healthyrelationships #codependency
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Primary school should just be therapy. Learning about Christopher Columbus and Sacajawea really doesn't cut it.
L8ter Ivy omg! Yes!
History is pretty important too you know
🎯💯
Lolol Sacajawea
🙌
Gosh...my 16 year old is so strong...she "no contacted" her narcissist father at 15 and hasn't looked back. She wasn't getting what she needed from him and couldn't look past his HORRENDOUSLY abusive behavior toward me and other family members and just decided that if she wouldn't be forced to depend on someone like that. Thank God her step father is a wonderful dad.
Interestingly, you have 34 likes. That’s how many people resonated with your comment. My daughter turned 17 and she has been “no contact” with her dad for 2 years now. I actually feel bad sometimes but she has stuck to it. I believe that her strength is what has allowed me to maintain my “no contact” since 2017.
I hope you've shown this to your girls to help then understand how their relationship with their dad will effect their romantic lives.
I hope you closely monitor her interactions with her step”father”… who are the single most common source of molestation of both young girls and boys. All men have pedophilic attraction and will be highly attracted to your teen. I know it is difficult to see as his wife but your place as her mother should come first.
Beware of your own blind spots and parental alienation you may have caused in your daughter covertly
17:20 - 20:20. There. In 3 mins you just explained what has been haunting me for my whole life. I crave relationship but every time when things seemed go well and a relationship was about to form, I would be overwhelmed by fear and do something on purpose to kill that potential. So now, here I am, 31 years old, surrounded by attractive and close female friends, yet I have never had a formal relationship. Last summer I've learned that I am the avoidant type, I didn't know how but I always felt it had something to do with my mum and her problems with my dad, I just couldn't put it in words. Thank you so much for helping me to identify this issue.
Was you mom a bit nasty to your dad? Did you ever see love between them?
This is something I’m dealing with... the guy I absolutely fell crazy in love with and he did with me... turns out I’m pretty certain he’s anxious-avoidant (he had a very abusive upbringing) where as I’m very secure (luckily from a loving childhood). It’s crazy because at the start he was SO open, so loving... then now a month later he’s dealing with job and home stress and has just totally gone missing. It’s so intense when things switch so suddenly when you’ve literally only just met the love of your life! A hard lesson to learn.
Can you plz tell how you formed avoidant attachment! Wat was the problem btw your mom and dad!??
single motherhood for me as a kid so 6yo-up to 19yo ( so i think i can understand your views, as yes i have joked that my dad/parents is my SO at point's in my lifetime but really i found out that that needs/emotions/ect can't be filled without my wife ), and yes the information isn't that bad but the presentation/she's locked into monogamy ( or being single, also found it's not best for me mentally as iv tried it 3 times now in my lifetime ) is the only heathy type of relationship adults can have, and for me i found it wasn't for me as i tried it, having 2 or 3 partners/wife's works better for me
glad she didn't try the gay conversions ( tried that/monogamy+religious-uk on my self and didn't work if anything it made me off balance, so my views aren't based in religion/ect ) therapy or kinky shaming line, yes sometimes medically speaking isn't bad but being gay is real and being closeted isn't heathy either as iv seen but not lived 1st hand experience
yes lies/deceit isn't generally healthy relationships but openly being honesty works, or in my case yes im willing to date/Mary 2 females but both have to be okay with either others and me aka i can still cheating but why 🤷♂ what's the point in wrecking my marriages
love avoidant here! ive never dated for fear of being inimate. im like 32 now and im finally making sense of my life. gonna start seeing a therapist.
Ryan C hey Ryan, my ex is a love avoident and his name is Ryan too. I hope he gets help eventually l
Date me Ryan:)
@Ryan C love to hear if you started seeing a therapist/started dating, I’m in my late 20’s and I’m starting to feel like I should look into this for the same reasons
My youngest daughter's father was 36 or so when I met him few relationships, longest one was 4 months. He dumped women as soon as he felt they were getting "too close". I got pregnant very unexpectedly and he dumped me 1/2 way through my pregnancy. We coparented successfully for 5 1/2 years, but never reconnected emotionally. He has erased me from my daughter's life. We have been fighting in court for 6 1/2 years and our daughter is emotionally disturbed and has behavior problems. She was happy, healthy, and we'll-adjusted before he took us to court with his unethical attorney and lies. He created trauma and a mentally ill child who is unlikely to be any more successful than him in having normal, healthy relationships. I trusted the court system to protect us. I found out that this is not the America I thought I lived in. Going to family court us like playing Russian Roulette. Sometimes the biggest liar or the person with the most money wins. If you ever have a child, don't cut them off from strong, healthy family relationships or long-term friendships. I read "Men Who Can't Love" or something like that. Steven Carter. Commitment-phobia. I "diagnosed" my friend and told him the prognosis was poor. He had already planned on. Having a surrogate have his child and for his mother or sister to raise it until the child was old enough for him to raise it himself. I ended up being treated like a surrogate, but that was not the deal. I have 2 older kids with my ex-husband who were successfully coparented their entire childhoods, even though their father and I did not like each other. My youngest was on a similar positive trajectory. Intellectually gifted, academically advanced, very stable life and relationships. No emotional or behavior problems. My younger daughter was suspended 10 days in 2nd grade and has an IEP for emotional disturbance and receives special ed services. All she needs is for the court to allow me back into her life so she can have maximum maximum participation of both parents in her life. If you ever have a child out of wedlock, please be involved, but don't interfere in healthy relationships with the other side of the family. A child is not a trophy.
@@deren2001 haha sure after covid
I love how fired up about this shit shes getting. After learning about this I agree. This information is incredibly important for humanity.
Ha! I am very passionate about this stuff!!
@@KristinSnowden me too
This video is seriously life changing
can we also say that love avoidant people will make themselves unavailable so people will want them more? bc i see them do this all the time and when you react in a way that you don’t NEED them but rather want them in your life i.e. feel secure with yourself in anyway they are in your life they become confused or worse angry. they might be an inverted anxious type who is trying to looking for constant reassurance and attention by acting as if they don’t need it and projecting their neediness onto others. bc how else could they see this trait so much, try to bring it out of others, or keep manifesting these types of bonds, as if it’s just their life and how it goes?
You Nailed it! 🌟😂👏🏻
I felt the Hard Slap all avoidants must feel after reading this! 🙏🏻😌😂
Oh boy this is TERRIFIC! Damn you is LIT and COOL! 🔥
PS: None of the avoidant ppl mother's hv loved them.. They hv starved them and that's why they are needy AF! 😒
They play games to be in control.. Motherfuckers are just sad and pathetic! 😂🙄
This video was amazingly informative! This describes my wife and I perfectly. I'm the love addict and she's the love avoidant. We got married 5 months exactly from the day we met, and just had our one-year anniversary. Unfortunately, we are now in the process of divorce. I have struggled terribly to try to understand the Dynamics of the relationship and why things had suddenly went so wrong, and have only continued to get worse. We both had terrible childhoods and while I'm open to seeking help and admitting my issues, she is not. To admit she has issues is a fate worse than death to her. While I'm truly sad and heartbroken, I plan to use this as a very painful lesson to learn more about myself for future relationships. Thank you so much for making, and posting, this video. It has helped me immeasurably to understand what's really occurring here, and why. Thank you!!
You sound like you have a lot of courage! Well done, your attitude is admirable and will take you far, I’m certain!
That is exactly what's going on between my husband and I right now. Please find me on Facebook and friend request me.
Just went through the same thing, without being married.
Avoidants have a hard time admitting there is a problem.
Dude I could have typed that word for exactly me right now separated and prepping for divorce
I'm an avoidant, for sure :/ how you talk about the switch from loving being needed to wanting to push the other person away and being repulsed by their neediness is exactly why all my relationships which I ended ended
Same here
Same
Same
Wow. I was ready to receive this. This video is 8 years old the day I watched it and it’s completely relevant and relatable
This video is really great and more people should watch this because it explains a lot of behaviours and why people repeatedly get into unhealthy relationships or why relationships don't work out. A lot of the reasons behind why we behaviour the way we do and believe the things we believe can be traced back to childhood.
Both me and my ex were a combo of love addict and avoidant. We also both had traumatic childhoods, as is often the case with people who have disorganised attachment. Our relationship was truly magical at the beginning and while it lasted but we hadn't healed enough to have a truly healthy relationship despite how hard we tried to communicate and have boundaries. We had only started our healing journey and were each other's first experience trusting and opening up to another person about our traumas so it was an important relationship but ultimately didn't end well.
That would've been nice to have learned in school....
Necessary not just nice I would say. Hopefully it will be added one day but until then we all can become examples of having healthy relationships and give others the permission to do the same, Which I think is even more powerful.
study psychology
hi there..
Łvio
I'm avoidant I can't stand being smothered but I still want love and affection... It just needs to be balanced..
I think the balance would be finding someone who only needs the same amount of attention/affection that you're willing to give. I think that goes for any attachment style, but I'm only just learning about this...
Pshh here here 👋🏼
I was an anxious/fearful avoidant attachment style-- translation way way smothered. Just like the lady in the video says Parental and other authority figures can have major Impacts on how we perceive ourselves. Which meant I had to acknowledge that if I came from a dysfunctional or emotionally broken family I probably carried some of that brokenness with me. Not an easy admission to make after living with them for 25 years, but critically important if you want to break the unhealthy relationship cycles of smothering and/or codependency.
Love and affection on your terms. My ex-husband was like that. It wasn't a matter of quantity, it was a matter of giving and getting on his terms. Other than having his arm around me when I went to sleep, I felt like I never got affection or affirmation unless he wanted sex.i wonder if the women he has been with after me felt the same way. I know his 2nd wife asked me why I did not tell her what he was like. She never asked. I would not marry a man without interviewing previous romantic partners or ex-in laws.
@@lydiahubbell6278 thats smart
Some addicts are also cluster B personalities who will use unspeakable manipulative tactics just to keep an avoidant from leaving. I mean fatal attraction!
Killemall it probably refers to narcissistics.
Cy Colburn I heard in another video that narcissists are a type of avoidant. So I would say it's a different type of toxicity but idk what it would be called.
LenaleeLee hi, narcissists have an Avoidant attachment style. There are 4 attachment styles.
Killemall hi, I’m love addict and was with an avoidant. He acted normal when I first met him, then slowly pulled away, to the point where he won’t talk to me for weeks at a time, months. I love him so much I would text him multiple times a day and he ignores me. He uses me for sex and all I want from him is intimacy and love and closeness and he won’t give it to me. I would do anything for him. But he still rejects me. There is nothing I can do. He keeps rejecting me. The only thing that works is ignoring him back. I feel so much pain. Like I’m dying. Like I want to kill myself. I have 2 small kids. Of course I can’t kill myself. The pain is so strong. So deep. I want to hurt myself. I need help. No know listens. I sound crazy for wanting him.
@@wilson8979 Look up BPD dearest one.
Thank you. “I can’t trust anyone to meet my needs .....”Consequently, I have become an extreme athlete. My ability to be truly intimate is limited. I create very good relationships with my clients, my students and I have a pretty perfect relationship with my son. With you giving me the phrase, “Control Intimacy” I now understand a lot more about why I live the way I do. Thank you for your generosity and effort.
Thing is...this *avoidance is like a reflex.* Now you know the cause of the problem, but the reflex of being scared or repulsed by someone smothering you- will kick in every time. *So, how the hell can one overcome a reflex, is beyond me....*
This has just made so much of my life make sense - thank you
Flic C mine too. It had me in tears because it helped me understand me
At minute 18:34 moving forward thats exactly how my mother is! She doesn’t want me to move out. She made me feel unsafe and that the world was a scary place. She made me dependent on her so that I couldn’t be independent. So I became scared of everything. I was very hypervigilant. I am scared of intimacy(but want love too) and an avoidant as well. I used to think I needed someone to always be there now I know that is okay to be alone. I don’t have friends. Never had people that actually saw the real me. I am scared of being vulnerable. I am also a love addict in a way. My dad was always working and was emotionally unavailable. My mother was also verbally abusive at times sending me mixed signals. I had gotten with men that didn’t treat me, I lowered my standards. I didn’t even know there was such a thing as boundaries, having goals and even having dreams. More people need to see your content like wow!
I can totally relate to you and your experience. I studied Buddhism for 10 years and really hot to know the real me and what im like and why. While i dont necessarily recoomend being Buddhist..it opened my eyes to habits i had..being clingy and feeling good enough to speak my own mind.
Beautifully explained... I wish children are treated right so everyone learns to be secure on their own!
I find that the book "The Soul Mate Illusion" shows us the deep psychology of how what often seems to be great romantic love turns out to be a bubble that bursts . . . an illusion. It suggests that early patterns of the bondings of infants recreate themselves in adult romance. Thus there is a simplistic projection of a perfect bond (or a deep need for one) with the partner that makes for a misperception of seeing the real, full, complex adult person with whom we are trying to be intimate. If we understand this patterning, we will be able to cope better, and learn much, when the illusions of love reveal themselves.
This books gave me so much wisdom, clarified so many things, helped me to understand why I reacted in many situations in an specific way. They saved my life.
Ricardo Monasterio
Wow. Wow. Wow. What a great explanation! I'm the recovering love avoidant & this is what is happening in a lot of my friendship relationships. It was becoming toxic & im working on developing healthy boundaries & becoming interdependent so I can be interdependent.
Great job!
Humans require Love and Acceptance. --quote
This Has Helped Me BIG Time! Thank You!! I'm Only 20 & I Want A Healthy Life So This Video Has Really Blessed My Life Thank You! 💯
Harmony V that’s awesome that you’re starting on this at a young age! Flourish & don’t let up👸🏽💃🏽
This is in response to the Brene Brown question. I have a blog entry on her where I elaborate on why I like her work so much and how it ties into love addiction symptoms. www.kristinsnowdenmft.com/apps/blog/categories/show/2021797-iheart-brene-brown
I'd recommend listening to her Ted Talks, some of her TH-cam interviews, a lecture disc she has called "The Power of Vulnerability", and if you love to read, her books The Gifts of Imperfection and Daring Greatly. Hope that helps!
Kristin Snowden food and drugs makes
some of us satisfied.
Halfway from Pia’s book, and stumble in this video. Great clarifier. Thank you.
Finally you confirmed what i thought about myself, that i flip flop. My dad was love avoidant and my mom was somewhat more love addict - on some levels.
Dysfunction finds Dysfunction, become the person you want to marry ☺️👍
Once you become healthy you will naturally gravitate to another healthy person.
If you say to yourself, "If only I could find someone I would be happy", then you have some work to do. You should be happy and content with yourself and life before even thinking of dating.
I think depression can play apart in this issue also.
Best of luck to all of you and stay positive and know that once the cat is out of the bag there is no going back ☺️
I love that - "It doesn't work as magically as with a L addict & an avoidant"
Could so relate especially from about 16 mins onwards as I'm the love addict the ex (again) is the love avoidant. Its been off on so many times its ridiculous. My whole world comes to an end when its off extreme anxiety and depression, its doing my head in. Thank you for your video it explains my on off relationship to a T.
Kristin - very informative and revealing. Thank you! Brings some clarity to past toxic relationships.
Omg we all need to be taught this in school. Your teaching is amazing. Thank you so much ❤
Thank you!
My last therpaist told me I was a love addict, but I’ve noticed that I've behaved as a love avoidant with men that were more needy towards me and I felt smothered and turned off. My dad was emotionally absent growing up and my mom was clingy for the most part. In older years, my dad tended to treat me as a surrogate wife in some ways. I can see both issues within myself and it makes so much sense now that I’ve watched this.
the last part of this video was really crucial on this perspective
Same for me here. It's so difficult for me to deal with this pattern 😢
Disorganized attachment.
You can start off anxious and then become avoidant and vice versa.
Disorganized comes from severe traumas from what I’ve read. They tend to sabotage relationships.
I am 30 yrs old right now and I have spent last year realising I have co-dependency issues which is responsible for the toxic patterns in my romantic relationships/associations. I am discovering why I am never able to workout functional boundaries, always finding myself on extremes of either being absolute alone or losing myself in the relationship.
This is more than helpful
in understanding myself.
Thank you so much for putting this out here.
This video is phenomenal. I have never seen my intimacy issues explained so well. I am mostly love avoidant, but have a bit of love addiction that sneaks in there too. My childhood was a roller coaster of emotions and my adult romantic relationships have ALWAYS been dysfunctional. I really am struggling in a healthier relationship right now because I cannot connect in a vulnerable, intimate way.
this is saving my life. thank you for putting it so clearly and for the work you do.
It's like you were watching the end of my marriage. This helped so much. Thank you so much for posting this.
Thank you for breaking it down for us, Kristin. This has been very helpful!
So glad it’s been helpful. I do my best to regularly post relevant material.
After watching this video Im definitely a Love Avoidant with some addict tendencies. But my question is: If the addict is Needy and the avoidant is distant, what about if the avoidant begins to act needy and push the addict away? Is that a possibility? Also I understand that if the Avoidant feels his needs aren't being me or is being smothered and he begins to "look" at other people, can the same be the case with the Addict? If they feel the Avoidant is being distant they will look for validation in others (ie. Low Integrity/Low Self Esteem)
Wow, this is a complete eye opener for me. Now I just need to figure out where to go from here. I wish you were local and did family therapy sessions!
Wow. This is a great explanation of unhealthy relationships...
This makes a lot of sense, me being the love avoidant, and her the love addict. Where it breaks down in my example is, I wasn't the one who sought anyone outside the relationship, I just made a decision to ride it out and settle. I felt repelled by her clinginess, but thought that's just what happens after awhile, and it wasn't fair to her for me to bail. But I can remember her literally coaching me in how to give her the "supply" she needed, begging me almost, and I'm sure she felt my feelings of wanting to get away. So eventually, she wasn't getting what she needed. And it was SHE who, once she bled me dry for all the "supply" I could give, RAN away to get her love addiction supply from someone else. I was stunned by the fact that she was the clingy one who I thought would never leave, and yet it was SHE who broke up the relationship. Can it happen that way, does that sound like something that also happens?
I think that makes sense, it’s similar to what I’m currently experiencing. I met the absolute love of my lif 2 months ago and it was amazing until he suddenly pulled away. I’ve realised he’s anxious-avoidant and him dealing with stress of moving house / not having a job has been enough that he can’t handle what he has with me. I’ve been chasing him but I’m about to leave. I feel clingy and I love him so much but I need to look after my emotions. It’s not your fault that you’re avoidant and it’s not your ex’s fault that she is clingy - it’s simply not compatible. I feel your pain though, it’s rough!
I'm an anxious person and I can relate to your experience with your ex with the same attachment style. I get so anxious and scared when I don't get the "supply" of love that I need to feel secure that I leave relationships in order to find a place where to receive it which never really happens because I'm insecure and I will be like this for a long time if I don't work on myself. The good thing is that I'm getting aware of my fears.
It can absolutely happen that way and I have first hand experience with it. I am the love addict, and my ex is the love avoidant. I was always trying to shower him in love and receive the same in return. And he couldn't, or rather wouldn't, despite declarations that he wanted to be with me, give me the affection and love I craved. I did the same "coaching" thing with my ex. So from the outside, yes, I was more invested, I tried harder (too hard) and was pushed away. But I was the one who ultimately ended the relationship. I don't think he didn't love me. I think there was fear or trauma there preventing him from feeling fully secure in a relationship. Same for me, it just came out differently. We all need to get ours. May you find a partner who suits you.
This video has validated some things. The relationship I've been in is quite toxic... And it goes through cycles, he has completed 3 definite cycles, I suspect 2 more don't have 100% proof, I have 60% he won't come clean. Thank you, I look forward to listening to more of your videos and the listening to this one again.
I had been love avoidant, very independent and prideful most of my life and because of these characteristics I deeply hurt my wife and my children as I acted that way. Thanks be to Christ that saw me in that state and started to change me into what He created me to be. I'm learning now to lean towards my wife and my children and truly learning to love them. I have been convicted of my behavior and asked my wife forgiveness for my specific actions that hurt her and did the same with each of my children, opening a path for healing our relationships. This is not an event but a journey and I have a lot more growing up to do. Thank you for your video, it does a very good job at bringing clarity to help us see ourselves in the " mirror" that we are truly broken people. But there is a Way to find healing not only for ourselves but also to free those we have hurt to find their own healing too.
Blessings😊
Thank you so much for sharing your testimony.
Thank you for your comment. It inspires one to do the healing work and instill hope. Much gratitude.
Blessings to you and your family 🌸🌺
I’m 27 and I’m just coming to understand what paradigms are and why I’ve acted this way.
Thankyou so much for making these videos.I have learnt this stuff the hard way and I am still trying to heal from previous toxic relationships and betrayals from 20 years ago.This helps validate things a lot.
wow...just an honour to hear such clarity in the matter
God damn
I'm a love addict 😔
Did you do the healing work ? I hope you feel better now.
WOW!! Thank you for this. I am Love Avoidant and could never sure out why I ALWAYS attract Stage 5 Clingers. Clinginess/neediness is the number one thing I find unattractive. This answered so many questions and now I can start my healing work:))
It took whole of my 33years to come to this point so as to understand myself, what has been happening till date and why. Finaly i could see one end of the whole entwined threads messed up. Looking forward to heal myself. Thnks to d udemy course which brought me all the way up here. Taking d course was my life's best decesion to change the course f my life. Thankyou godbless💖
Thank you for this video. I've gotten to the point where I hate myself because I seem to be unable to get out of situations where I am addicted to someone that isn't interested in me that way. I have a history of 3 times being in love/infatuated with someone with who the love is unrequited, for years. And attempts at dating anyone I'm attracted to results in me getting weird because if they aren't pulling closer to me it feels like utter failure and rejection to me and I lose myself. I don't want to be this weird person that can't date anyone because I get addicted to people. I want to be like the 2 circles that are apart yet together and healthy. I've even gotten into a relationship where I was the seducer, so I could at least feel like I was needed. It was the most recent unrequited love relationship, which was actually many years ago now. Currently I have a crush on a guy that has turned into a problem because he's still not asking me out, but he is someone I could run into on a regular basis. Everything I perceive as a rejection from him hurts so much I can't bare it, and anytime he seems to enjoy connecting with me feels like a fix and I need more, and is a lure to think maybe he does want something to do with me. I want to forget all about him since he is not interested in me that way (that is my best assumption, he has not asked me out and we've talked for about 6 months now) but I find it incredibly hard to forget him. I am in counseling, I feel like after seeing this video there may be some hope for me to get out of this pattern. I can see with more clarity what I am doing. It's hard to believe I could be in a healthy relationship someday but I have a little hope.
Absolutely brilliant video. My life story. So bloody sad. I'm 61 and learnt this today from you Kristin. Best wishes, Russell, UK, 21 June 2019
This is helping me see some things in me that I haven’t seen in a long time...and it’s very healing & brings hope that, I know it’s not fixed yet but at least stepping out of denial into realizing where I’m at. So so good thank you for sharing 😄
Can a person be both? My alcoholic parents were emotionally neglectful of me but at the same time, my mother was fiercely overprotective of me and I was left home alone alot while they worked. The "come here - go away" phrase is how I am in relationships. I fear intimacy but crave it at the same time. When I get it - I become clingy and jealous and distrusting. I don't know which way to turn.
+Jos Cleo yes, I mention this at the end of the video and in response to few other comments. One can have both abandonment/neglect and over-enmeshment in their "trauma history". Therefore, both love addict/love avoidant tendencies can surface. It all depends on the relationship Dynamic exists between you and your partner. It can also change and switch over the span of the relationship. You just need to be aware when you're being "triggered by" or acting out of love addict/love avoidant tendencies in lieu of healthy boundaries.
Haha i was wondering the same thing. Same story here bro made me HF autistic or something i couldn't even get fully aroused for a girl i liked because i was so scared of intimacy. I hid my disability from everyone. Told 2 friends recently. It has sent me on a 3 month mission now to figure my brain out. I am very smart so i think everyone was scared to say i was disabled or autistic. So i never got any help and dropped out of school at 15. Mom was narcissist neglectful and abusive. Dad is intellectually disabled. Also have an intellectually disabled brother that got all the attention growing up. But my autism made me avoid highly stressful situations and i was never really that great with motor skills so i don't drive or nothing. Insanely poor family. Took me 26 years to start coming to terms with who i am because i never cared enough about myself until a women came along and messed my head up. Found out i am HF autistic and have avoidance personality disorder with a few of the overlapping disorders related to them. Now i am working on getting insurance so i can go get diagnosed so i can get some assistance to get away from my family and this prison they created for me. I know i can't work. So i have to try for disability at this point. Lived in denial for 26 years of who i was. Scared to admit to myself i was not a normal man. Built up mental walls and shit to hide who i was even from myself. Tend to do that when everyone calls you a pussy or some bullshit making you feel like your feelings don't matter.
I would look into HF autism man. Your mostly likely in the same boat as me. The story of peter pan really fucked me up the most i think so far. Once broken down everything became clear and the fact a girl pretty much pulled me out of never land it feels like. She did however reject me after our 1st date and failure on my part. Can't blame her but she got me thinking about myself and why and i would love to thank her give me the courage to do it.
All i would say is if you can't get your life together you have some sort of disability. Find out what it is and get help / disability. Maybe once you get on your own and can take care of yourself you can start having a healthy relationship. Reason i said get disability if you have to rely on someone.
I'm like this too. More love addact but definitely avoident as well like 60-40. It's possible, she talks about it at 38:28
thanks for a great dissection of my mutual limerent relationship (we mirrored well) that hit a brick wall (obstacles/realities). i think i played both the avoidant (rescuer syndrome) *and* the addict (loss aversion). lots to unpack as no contact continues. thanks again!
As a man and love addict I must say you are dead on. Out of toxic relationship for 1 year now, almost everyday I feel ashamed because how I can be a man and need someone so bad. About manipulative thing you are right too, sometimes I just know what to do to get attention - how do I react to these thoughts? I am just mindful and don't do anything (or I am just trying to be honest about my thoughts if I trust this person) (this thoughts never really leave my mind). I really don't know what to do now, boundaries set, facing my fears, still I crave relationships and it is not in a healthy way. It is sad for me because I feel judged by society because of the way I am, needy, love addict and I am here sitting all alone trying to figure this out how to heal my 'love deficit disorder'
I appreciate your willingness to share your story with the community. I wish you the best on your growth and journey.
Hi thanks for your comments I'm working on the next video on healthy relationships. At the end of this video I make a few book suggestions if you want to learn more about love addiction/love avoidance. You can email me (KristinSnowdenMFT@gmail.com) if you have more detailed, specific questions regarding your circumstances. Thanks again for watching! If you have suggestions on other videos I'll do my best!
You mentioned a Renee Brown regarding love addicts. Which book? What do you recommend reading?
+SquidSnuggles Hi. Thanks for your inquiry. I responded to your question in my comments above. Email me if you have any other questions.
Kristin Snowden
This explanation is wonderful, but incomplete.
The avoidant and the anxious don't make a perfect match because one is needy and the other needs to be needed. It's the opposite: The anxious needs someone who rejects her, because rejection is all she knows and is familiar with.
And the avoidant needs someone who he can reject because, due to his own trauma, he's unable to give or receive love. He exploits her partner's needs and is abusive. He doesn't want to care for someone, he wants to remain detached. That is what their whole relationship is about. One is constantly chasing the other.
The avoidant didn't necessarily had a parent that suffocated him, quite the opposite. He had parents who didn't give him enough love, so he decided he'd NEVER need love again and avoid intimacy at all costs.
He decided that he is going to *become* that parent whose love he didn't receive. The distant parent seemed powerful to him, so he decided he doesn't want to remain powerless and instead become someone who wouldn't need another person's affection.
Until they heal, their true 'needs' are:
"Tell me I am not enough!"
And "I am here to make you feel inadequate and unworthy!"
This is the reason why the avoidants end up being sociopaths/narcissists. The anxious codependent is a loving empath. The avoidant is a narcissist who was made feel unworthy and inadequate in his childhood, and, in order to overcome this, he decided to make others feel the way he feels about himself.
His codependent mother didn't necessarily suffocate him. She was subjected to his father's abuse and didn't receive his love - his father being an avoidant himself.
He'll later choose a woman who's similarly codependent as his mother and who, being an anxious, puts up with his abuse.
"Love addict" is not an accurate phrase because, deep down, the anxious doesn't believe she's worthy of love.
One last note:
Avoidants tend to be great seducers, but don't have to. Some of them are super aggressive and cruel.
Anxious codependents want to control their situation, but don't have to be manipulators. Most of them are honest and decent people.
But your explanation model explains relationships like the one between Amy Fisher and Joey Buttafuoco very well. ;)
I hope to meet a woman who doesnt fear intimacy someday.
Start connecting really well with yourself and you will...
I hope so
Comoane B
When/if you meet a woman that aligns with your value system and you no longer have the urge to change or fix her I recommend letting her know that she is/was not responsible for the dysfunction or rejection in her own family of origin
6 minutes in and Im bawling. Thank you! Learned so much. I had to pause many times to absorb completely and end up blowing my mind.
I’m glad you’ve found it helpful. I've also created a more elaborate and updated course on this topic: bit.ly/LoveAddictLoveAvoidant that might be helpful to you.
You are a godsend... I am doing my work in order to be a better person for myself. Initially i thought it was society but then I realized that I need to heal myself for myself. Thank you. I wish I could afford you.
"heal myself for myself" right!
the last bit you said, omg thats rly me. at first i was like, but im both..depending on the situation and you answered that in the last minute. damn i really learnt alot thank you so much!
I'd be interesting in knowing how unhealthy relationships have been defined over the last say 100 years in the field of psychology.
You truly have cracked it. Ive seen grateful comments from people on these type of explanatory videos before, and envied thier connection with t he information - but this time i feel it. You understand very well the changes of mind-set or modes that make defining behaviours more complicated, and the feelings behind the irrational conflicts and constantly opposing agendas. Thank you so much for posting. It really has been a comfort
I went through a toxic relationship and eventually ended up on your video. Now I know I'm a bonafide love addict! An issue I've having for over 15 years.
good job! ingrained experiences are similar to how a narcissist brain washes their children. I just had a huge realization that everything wrong with me was bc I was raised by a narcissist and like a flash my prison lifted!!! I could see my brainwashing in my body reactions when I realized it my anxiety has diminshed dramatically. I no longer feel separate from the rest of the world. it's so weird how quickly those patterns can drop off when there is understanding about why I'm doing what Im doing ;) yay! I'm free. I enjoy your lecture though bc I'm fascinated now with how a person lacks awareness around their own indoctrination to a degree or to their own conditioning. I've always been very aware and so to finally see how my actions were connected directly to my mother... blew me away and made me realize maybe I'm not as aware as I thought
i don't understand. What did you figure out exactly about your narcissistic upbringing that made you realize the truth? And what is that truth that freed you?
This was so powerful and insightful! Thank you!
I have a lot of healing to do. Am damage to the core I am a love addict. For instance, I am broken up from my ex a little under three months and there comes someone who is married seeking me out and it's like am thinking all kind of excuses for him on the reason why he would want to cheat on his wife.
Yet I know that wouldn't make any sense at all. There would be nothing for me to gain from it except hurt all over again.
I want to cry when I realise my dilemma honestly.
You realise it that's a start.
You are worthy and deserve your own love... focus on and build your self worth! ♥️♥️💪🏽🥰💪🏽🥰💪🏽🧘🏽♀️👑🧘🏽♀️👑
Great explanation on these cycles ❤️
This is exactly what happened to my relationshit. I'm the anxious attachment type and he is the avoidant type. He did cheat on me several times and gaslit me constantly. I felt very abandoned. Yes he discarded me when my mom had a debilitating stroke..at the possible worst time of my life. I am now alone and trying to figure out why this happened..hes with the cheatee that's 30yrs younger than him.
Thánk you...it is so clear...now the question is; how to heal from being a avoidant type or the love addict. Just going back into your childhood and start to heal by rewriting the story/taking care of that child by putting your adultself to take care of that etc? (inner)child?
Seriously Brilliant . Thank you Kristin
Kristin , this was the best lecture on this topic that I have ever seen. You described all of my relationships in 39 minutes! lol. It seems like this is just a relationship cycle breakdown on codependency. What were the names of those books for each role? And is there a good book that covers both? I am working on my codependency issues and I'm also an empath, and I keep ending up in relationships with women with BPD. Would I be playing both of these roles in these relationships? And is it ok or a good idea to work on yourself on these issues while getting to know someone of the opposite sex on a strictly friendship level or basis? Is that ok to do?
+Steve Sperry I'll elaborate more if I get more time this week but for now: The books I mention in my video (along with some good relationship books) are:
Facing Love Addiction & Facing Codependency both by Pia Mellody. For men I recommend No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover.
I'm also a big fan of all of Brene Brown's work. She doesn't write about relationships specifically but a lot of her work ties in with the subject matter.
thumbs up for using 'duh' in a lecture.
You’re funny, I like your vibe, good video great lighting. Subscribed. :)
I'm young so I hope it will eventually go away. But I can't stay in a relationship long without starting to fear, hate, and get annoyed by my relationship partners. I don't know what's wrong. I'm addicted to trying to sway or "chase" someone. Like try to flirt or get closer. I love it.
But I've noticed once I've gotten in a relationship, I couldn't stand it for long. I would get super short tempered and agitated for little to no reason!
I feel like I'm broken! I've been told I was wrong and sick in the head! I'm just scared I'm just not right in the head or something.
It's hurting my relationship right now and I don't know what to do.
Addicted to falling in love would be a better way of putting it
Having taken several of the attachment quiz's, my results were always the same, 30% anxious 30% secure, 30% disorganized and 10% avoidant. Mine and my husband's daughter is 80% avoidant and 20% anxious, Our middle child, our son is 25% each and our youngest son is 35% secure, 25% anxious, 20% disorganized and 20% avoidant. My husband, if he were to be willing to take a quiz, would likely be 100% avoidant/dismissive. The avoidant begins to look and behave much like a narcissist and the anxious/disorganized begins to look crazy. A dynamic that continues this horrendous cycle and it becomes insane. I was not always in relationships however, there were several years that I was not in a relationship but I did date and I was fine as a single person. I was also never jealous in any other relationship, nor was I needy or dependent on the other person. I have always been very independent and my father told my sister and me to never become dependent on a man but to always be able to take care of ourselves. After seeing how my mom was controlled by my very sadistic, pathologic, narcissistic, sick, and evil stepfather, I vowed to myself at a young age that I would never be trapped that way. I joined the USARMY out of highschool to have money for college and graduated with high marks. I scored very well in all the areas of physical endurance and agility and I qualified as an expert(the highest level) with my rifle. I was not always as confident but by the time I finished basic training, I knew what I was capable of. I met my husband a few months later in Army school for training as a licensed nurse, we were friends for over a year and studied together with a group of people we were in school with. He was funny and likable and adorable but not my type. He was the boy next door from the side of the tracks that had both parents still married and no addictions, criminal history, overt abuse or psychological issues, all of which were present in my family dynamics, those and more. I knew that if we were to hook up, I would destroy him. He was warm and empathetic rather quiet but kind to everyone, I was a bit uninhibited(I had a sailors tongue, cussed a lot) and outgoing, I was friendly enough but I didn't let people take advantage of me. I was determined to not be controlled by anyone and I was self-aware enough to know that my personality would likely overpower his. But secretly I fell in love with him, I hooked him up with my nicer and sweeter girlfriends just so I wouldn't be tempted to date him. It never worked out for them and eventually, there was no insulation to prevent him from kissing me. Once we kissed, it was all over with. all the walls I built to try and protect him from the likes of me came crashing down. I wasn't even into blonds with blue eyes but his blue eyes, they captivated me, they saw right past my defenses and into my soul. I came alive for what felt like the first time ever. I felt complete and whole and enough in his arms. He wasn't full of compliments to tell me I was enough, he didn't buy me expensive gifts to show me I was enough, and he didn't fawn all over me to tell me I was enough. He was attentive and compassionate to my needs and oh my God was he passionate. Once we kissed, everything moved so quickly I completely lost myself. Before I knew it, we were headed toward a family, barely married and soon to be a new mother, it was actually everything I dreamed of but kept to myself. Unfortunately, when we think of living our dreams, we often forget that nightmares are dreams also. Now 30 years later I look back and see that I have been asking the same question from about the second year in which is "what happened to our love? Who is this person I married? and who have I become?" I am just a fragile shell of the person I once was. I trusted that we had the same idea about what a marriage was, that we shared common values and life concepts. I learned very early that I was more his pet than his partner, that forsaking all others was merely words without meaning to him as he put everyone and everything ahead of me, my desires, wants and even my needs. Whatever emotional connection I once believed we shared was a lie just like the vowes he took and everything else he told me that served to cause me to believe he was the one. The one who could and would love honor and most of all cherish me till one of us were to die. Now I feel as though he pushes the limits of what covert emotional and psychological abuse he can get away with in an effort to have me take my life so he can be rid of me. I WILL NOT COMPLY! I actually told him a couple of years ago that I was depressed and that I had thought of ending my life and wanted to check into a hospital because I didn't feel safe with myself. He said "We don't have the money to waste on that, your doctor can prescribe meds and I will monitor them and you can stay right here at home" He has worked for a psych hospital for 29 years of our 30-year marriage so he says he knows how it all works. Mind you, we had two forms of insurance, our kids are grown and gone and the insurance would have covered all but perhaps $200 of the total costs if I were admitted for 2 weeks. So I guess my life is worth less than $200. I'm just trying to figure out of I married a monster, created a monster out of a beautiful young man or if this is just how avoidant types behave when they feel that the spouse they so meticulously dismantled thru neglect, dismissing, devaluing, criticizing and withholding all forms of affection, conversation, and quality time while humiliating and exploiting their insecurities to family and friends in the form of sarcasm and jokes, become too needy or dependent on them. Damn, I need to watch the gaslighting video because he is an artist at it. Maybe its time to turn the table, I have been only a shell for far too long and I really do not identify with this learned helplessness crap. I'm doin me!
Wow, finally some answers. Thank you.
I watched your videos about codependence and the toxic relationship one year ago. Also, I watched all of Pia's videos about boundaries, self-esteem, shame, etc. Recently reading Pia Mellody's book 'Facing love addition'. I have to say, the book is full of details and so descriptive about the toxic pattern in a codependent relationship. And the dynamics between the addict and avoidant that she describes in the book are so much like my relationship with my ex. It is mind-blowing to read the book. I am also in the process of internal family parts work. The recovery path that Pia offers shares some similarities with the parts work. Thank you for those videos about relationships. It was a great help and introduction to the recovery journey for me.
So how would the break up look like? Love addict at first clinging and love avoident feeling free? Then love addict would move on quite fast into the next relationship and love avoident grieving to get the relationship back? Thank you for this great video Kristin🙏
Glad you liked it. How the relationship would play out depends on an array of various contingencies such as gender, access to resources, trauma history, other present addictions or mental health struggles, support, etc.
Thank you for answering Kristin!
Guess ther is no basic answer to relationship issues :)
Thank you for making this vid Kristin. I believe I'm in a co-dependent relationship now and its driving me crazy. I know now that I'm the love avoidant one and she's clingy as f***. (sorry for the swearing, its been a stressful few months now thinking about our relationship)
The problem is that the more I discover that she's unreasonably needy and basically a blank slate without me around, the more I lose respect of her, and naturally also the affection as well... at this rate we'll probably break up in a few months and its cool with me, but at least if possible I want her to realize that she needs to figure out her shit first, without making it like I'm putting all the blame on her.
Now I understand why some people feel like they always have to be in a relationship
WELL SAID and WELL EXPLAINED. Thank You for this video.
I'm a love addict and iv been with a love avoidment for 8 years and its very difficult to find that balence and we just try to help each other as much as we can and try to call each out when they feel like one of us are being toxic
Thank you! This was very insightful & helpful.
Your description of an enmeshed love addict/avoidant relationship reminds me of the operational definition of a "sadist": one who won't abuse a masochist. Freud said: "beneath every fear there is an unconscious wish" .. So how does one gain insight into dysfunctional needs/wishes that are unconscious? Accident prone people supposedly unconsciously set up situations where they hurt themselves to satisfy an unconscious wish to punish oneself...
I’ve watched/listened to this video so many times. Each time brings new insights and self-awareness. I’m finally seeing a therapist to get to the core of my love-avoidance (and better understand what led me to marry my now ex love addict wife). I can see how my mom was such an influence on me with this. As the oldest of 4 kids, she leaned on me emotionally as my dad was never around and they ultimately divorced. Now trying to understand this dynamic in myself to hopefully learn/grow but also to be a better dad. Thank you so much for making this video among other great ones that you have made.
Thanks for your comments. If this video resonates with you, I’d strongly encourage you to check out the courses and material I have on my website. This is exactly the kind of stuff I dive deeper into. It can really enhance the therapeutic process. www.kristinsnowden.com/
Thank you Kristin, extremely helpful lecture.
I am so thankful for this. Things are starting to make sense of why i became who i am
I am wondering about how things can change. The love addict describes me. I was always put down as a child. my mother was hypercritical, but although emotionally unavailable at times I felt smothered wanting to get away from family early on in life as thy never approved on anything I did. My estranged is wife possibly an avoider she is there when needed for a dependant family but complains that it can all get too much for her. We had good chemistry but it all went horribly wrong when she decided she wanted her own thing regardless of my opinions on the subject. However, from the description, she was the love addict in her first relationship with her ex who had to support his mother in what would almost as stated a virtual incestuous relationship with her. An interesting concept which I am grateful for,... thank you for the seminar.
This is excellent, I think it's very insightful and relatable, although to be fair it's only the 'typical, or standard' scenario. Everyone is different so sometimes its a case by case situation. As an Anxious Attachment Het Male having dated many Avoidant Attachment Het Females, I can attest that the typical male/female dynamic presented may be the most common, but definitely not for me! Otherwise this is basically dead on.
What a load of bollocks. Christ, I loathe the word intimacy, creeps me out big time. I don't want anyone prying and intruding into my world, it's none of other people's fucking business.
Thank you so much for posting this video. It has been very helpful for me to see some of the problems I've had with relationships. I have been a love avoidant or emotionally unavailable due to my parents toxic relationship and feeling like my Mom's de facto spouse until my Mid 30's. My most recent relationship made me feel trapped or overwhelm. I felt like I had so much responsibility and no enjoyment, much of how I have feel dealing with my Mom. I don't want to continue this cycle and want to know what steps do I take to get on the path to healing and healthy relationships.
+Smith Emile congrats on doing such great work so far. Those are some difficult truths to realize but you sound like you're doing a great job with becoming aware of your patterns and working to change them. The book I'd recommend to you after reading your response is Married to Mom by Kenneth Adams. Pia mellodys books are great, too, but you might want to start with Ken Adams work first. I wish you the best!
Wish I was taught this before I got married. Wonderful work !
Great video! Do the addict/avoidant styles also include those with cluster B personality disorders or is that a separate cycle altogether?
I’ve got the same question. Did you find out?
Welp. Some would say the addict/avoidant attachment styles and the attachment wounds they struggle with are a better way of describing their “cluster B” traits. Many narcissists, avoidants, or BPDs suffer from serious childhood trauma. Exploring and treating their attachment wounds and trauma is often more effective than labeling them with a cluster B PD. Just my two cents.
Does that help? Sorry I missed this question 5 years ago… thanks for bringing my it to my attention.
Thank you Kristin
That was helpful :)
Awesome. Glad to hear it. I’ve got a huge library of other videos similar to this one available on my channel.
Personally I still have love for my ex partners and understand they all care about you whether they are with you still or not. Love is not about your needs, its a feeling.
My website address has changed! www.kristinsnowden.com
This is brilliant!!!! I now understand the mechanics of my intimacy life!! Thank you and so amazing to get this information and deep understanding. What a relief!
I have an online course on my website that helps you dive deeper into this topic and dynamic in case you were wondering what kind of “next steps” to take www.kristinsnowden.com/transformational-courses
@@KristinSnowden Thanks I'll check it out. This should be a 101 course for everyone with a pulse!! Less chemistry and more relationship science would really change our world. Thank you so much for your contributions!!
This explains my life too lol. I'm the child of a love addict and love avoidant and about to start therapy.............
Well you speak like you lived my entire past relationship and you are right. Very specific and thank you now I see why I chose such toxic relationships....I’m an addict I guess. Although raised by a narcissist mother and alcoholic father I’ve now become too scared to have a relationship because although I know I’m flawed I don’t know how to be any different . Can you suggest any help please. I’m 37 I’ve been single 10 yrs almost and raised my kids alone who are now 20 and 15,. I don’t want to be alone forever
OMG!! this was great!! thank you so much
Thank You so Much
This video is really helpful for me