COMPULSIVE CARETAKING & HYPER-VIGILANCE
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 26 ก.พ. 2023
- This video describes compulsive caretaking and hyper-vigilance, and the price we pay in this role. A caretaker test, deep dive on how compulsive caretaking can breed illness, unhealthy relationships with ourselves and others, resentment, divorce, etc... as well as where to focus your healing interventions, if you want to work on your "outside in orientation," of Compulsive Caretaking and Hyper-vigilance, especially if you've experienced chronic relational trauma.
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1. BORDERLINE AND NARCISSISTIC PARENTS: HEALING AND DEALING WITH YOUR TRAUMA
(*This course is designed specifically for you if you were raised by parents who had Narcissistic, Borderline or significantly Emotionally Immature parents.)
2. RE-MOTHERED: TRANSFORM YOUR WOUNDED INNER CHILD INTO AN INTERNALIZED, LOVING "MOTHER"
(***This course is designed to help you learn to heal your inner child AND your inner parent if you experienced a complicated childhood or challenging relational wounds).
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I think one of the hardest things is considering yourself as an equal. That you have to give in order to feel worthy. You give until you lose self. And that's the rub, because the more of yourself that you give, the less you have to give, until you have nothing to give.
I completely agree❤️
That was my story. There was nothing left after caretaking kids, husband, in-laws and house.
Yes I'm so tired of giving at the age of 58 I literally choose to be all alone from here in out I'm just literally warn out. So I get exactly what you are saying here Great point! Take Care
@Marshella Whitehead I hope you find the peace that you need so that you can recharge enough to finally give to yourself. Life is short; wishing you time to be able to enjoy what life has to offer. Here's to your health! 🍻
@@Sheywh12 exactly!
This is sooooo me 😢it’s exhausting to be in this state ALL the time. I’m also a nurse, have a disabled daughter and my son died in 2011 at the age of 24. I simply NEVER feel lighthearted or at ease. My parents were narcissists and emotionally neglectful. Finding relief from the hyper vigilance is a never ending quest.ugghhhhh
Thankful I found you! I have been a caretaker to one person after the other. Was thinking this must be God's Will for me. This video really spoke to me about how my life is going. It's a pattern or something I attach to me. I was first born so watched over my siblings. Was sole Caretaker for my mother who just passed away April 20th, for 7 years of failing health. My boyfriend has health issues and I certainly do since taking care of everyone's needs. What a life it's been for me and I will be 73. I need some fun in my life before I pass away. Thank you for listening. ❤️
I’m surrounded by these types in healthcare and I’m trying to heal from it. They guilt me for wanting to leave when my shift is over. They stay over 2-3 hours to complete new admits etc, I must go. I’m sorry, it’s 24 hr facility and it’s not all on my back. They guilt me and talk crap about me.
It sux really bad.
I’m the type to stay focuse, work really hard to complete my tasks, chart my stuffs like mad, stay away from gossip and hearsay and distractions.
They allow all that. I hear them talking about each other’s to others while I’m busy working. Not staying over more than my 12.5 hr shift.
It’s crazy and mind blowing.
It’s a cult.
What “pisses me off” is the degree to which my parents would often criticize me for being; hyper vigilant, overly harsh, overly critical, uptight, etc. as if they were angels and I was the reason for their shortcomings. What’s particularly cruel is that they were critical of the exact personality traits that were only a child’s adaptation of their parents painful abusive behavior. As a result I have a LOT of unresolved rage. This is so frustrating because I don’t want to end up like them! Still waiting to get into therapy to address these issues. Hoping they will fade in time for me to still have a family (I’m 38) and not be anything like them!!!
Back in 2009 my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer with 2 months to live. He was bed ridden and needed full time in home care. At the time I was an electrician's assistant with a company that renovated sleeping quarters and bathrooms (heads & beds) aboard US aircraft carriers. At this time I also had a part time home business running. Bottom line is I had to quit my full time job, move in with my father and take care of him full time. He lasted a little over a year under my care, and I have NO REGRETS in what I did. I shopped, cooked, cleaned the house, mowed the lawn and assisted in every aspect of his care. I asked the visiting hospice nurses and they said that they had never seen a son take on this role before.
The bottom line is that I've walked BOTH sides of this street, and I can tell you for a FACT that the electrician's job (and my previous 20 years in the navy) were immensely more stressful (both physically and mentally) than the caregiving roll I took on. When I hear people whine about how "hard" it is to be a navy wife I chuckle, knowing that most of them couldn't handle the kind of workload we do on a daily basis.
In summery, while I can appreciate how frustrating it might be that Jr. shoved his PB&J sandwich into the DVD player, try walking around a multi-story jungle gym lugging 35 LBS. of tools all day long. And they wonder why men live such shorter lives...
I literally cried after saying yes to the entire test.
I have been trying to heal for a long time and this really opened my eyes to needing to see myself as an equal. Thank you a lot
I was a full time SAHM married to a workaholic. He really believed that his only responsibilities in the marriage and family were providing food and shelter.
😥
Dear Dr Kim, I am so grateful to you. You've said the words I was searching for most of my life and couldn't find, being in a close-gate religious mindset. You've expressed everything in the correct words and it gives a sense of freedom and awareness. Thank you!
Wow! This makes so much sense - my childhood, my marriage, my chronic illness. 🤦🏻♀️ just…oh wow! Thank you!
Have to listen to this 10 times cuz all I can do is cry.
Yes.. unfortunately meditation does not work most of the time with Cptsd.
Exercising and recently started re-learning self-defense works often much better for me. Also stretching exercises from my manual therapists are working well for me because they immediately give relief from physical pain.
Best regards and thanks!
Thank you so much have been hypervigilant all my life. Your videos are really helping me change and know that it’s been a defence mechanism. You are an inspirational strong woman xxx❤
So kind - thank you so much. I am so happy to hear that you can reframe this survival response and im sending love and support to you❤️
I enjoyed the questions because I saw how much I have actually healed - I still do some of the behaviors but, I'm aware of them now. I was diagnosed hyperthyroidism last summer and that really put me in a place where I had to say 'no' to many things. One was caretaking others. I don't have kids, so these 'others' are adults that I have, somehow, taught that I will always come to the rescue. What helped me was this affirmation / realization "they are adult humans, they can take care of themselves"
This absolutely sucks cause I didnt really wanna take care of others and Im now chronically ill :( !
IMHO, working on yourself BEFORE you have children is paramount. Ask yourself why you want children. Write it down. If the first word written is the word "I" then I suggest working on yourself beforehand. Children aren't supposed to be there to fulfill you or your idelic version of your life. We are supposed to be there to nourish their lives. Being a good parent is like, in the Buddhist philosophy, removing self. Not in the idea that you have no self, but more like ego death. Raising children isn't about you. It's about them.
love this.
@@delucastudios3097 Thank you.
yes and I don't think I have ever heard this type of discourse until the last few years:(. And even when you want it- I've found it's still the hardest and most beautiful thing i have ever done and yet, our unknown traumas, trauma that doesn't come from us as parents, as well as other wounds makes it even more complex❤️
I agree that parenting is the hardest and the most rewarding. And yes, this type of conversation is just making it to the conscious collective. I realize there are many reasons for this and don't blame past generations on the whole. What's done is done, however, it's my hope that this conversation trickles down and percolates in the minds of those who are now in the age group. Let's try to stop some of the generational trauma. Being a good parent is hard, but let's start by becoming a better you. That's the best gift you can ever give your child. Best wishes, Dr Sage.
YIKES YOU NAILED ME!! I'm at the latter part of all of this!! Now completely alone and facing the fact I'm totally lost! Don't even know what to do or feed myself it's really sad! Finding yourself here one day. The NPD and BPD are gone and I sit here all alone realizing I don't know 🤷🏼♀️ who I am I'm 58 years old now disabled with RSD I raised my siblings and my BPD NPD. Mom Not diagnosed but fits all criteria's. My mom married me out at 15 with child and 16 divorced and on the streets trying to survive Yes anyone that reads this that is young needs too seriously not be in hurry to do anything before doing everything to know who you What you want what you like what you don't like is more important than what you like if you ask me! If you came from a abusive mental and physical home like I did With fighting the step beating my brother and myself I was always trying to save my brother I was the truth teller and always learning what to not say or do to save myself My Mom knew what the step was doing being the NPD she denied it to her death. Except when I asked one day why he only beat my brother and myself She said because William wasn't his either!! My mouth dropped she admitted she knew right then!! I'm a perfect example of what Dr Sage just described you don't want to be..Ive been chronically I'll for 20 years in severe pain everyday of my life have no choice but ti live at the pain Mgmt office Despite I was in the medical field and happy I lost my job at 36 years old. I say this for anyone who hasn't had the AWHA moment to listen your body because like Lisa Romano says your body is listening too you! Your killing your self slowly I never knew any of this till about 3 years ago Idont think all my RSD is due ti that but I know my late husband nearly killed me mentally before he died blaming and shaming and treating me exactly as I was treated as a child. I wish years ago this was spoken of before now I am so grateful to have Dr. Sage to help me help myself because I can't afford a doctor at this time! So I'm soaking up anything that I can heal me with I'm very strong and I'm not stopping now Take care everyone ❤ 🤗
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@@DrKimSage Thank you so much for being you! We all can help one another. If we would only choose to open up enough to let others see they are not alone..
So Kim,
Your saying that, if an individual has a neglegent, non existent parent. You then over compensate this by being over excessive when careing for your own children...
i guess this makes sense in my life
I am saying it's common and possible but there are also many other ways having a neglectful parent can be wounding, healthy, etc - as parents to their own children.
Mom was verry ill mental!! When i turned 13 the rolls reversed i was the mom she was the child!! She had a lot of fits!! It was hard!!..💝
Thank You!
Excellent! Thank you!
This is so important! Thank you so much
Very good video on a hard hitting topic.Thank you
Brilliant 🙏 thank you x
ty❤️
Dr Sage, really appreciate you mentioning the possibilities of the origin of so many chronic illnesses. Trauma - ACEs !
This has been looked away from for too long.
I'm following your channel for quite some time now and trying to make sense of my own being and where I come from with my highly maladaptive beliefs and emotional disregulation.
I hope to be able to overcome my deep shame and be able to manage - maybe heal some things - my triggers
I have come to the realisation that it wasn't my fault - but guilt and shame are by my side like my shadow.
Coming from a disorganised attachment family system with one parent having covert narcissistic traits plus depressive episodes with hospitalisation, I took the whole trauma with me into my marriage and my kids had to bare the brunt of my actions and reactions a lot of times.
One of them got hurt irreversible - and for this I just can't forgive myself.
I am a full time caretaker but my burnout was a making of my own self. Complusove caretaking learnt in early childhood with no boundaries ever having known - I seriously up till recently didn't know what boundaries were meant to be!
Really deeply appreciating your content! 🌹
Ps just finished watching. Trying to jump up front and anticipate ... !
This video felt like you made it for me.
I am so sorry you've endured so much and I'm sending love and support to you today❤️
Your nails look great!
Thank you ... 😊 💓
youre so welcome ❤️
11:30 I think I feel more love for my husband when we arent near each other because I don't see the truth of it all... I see a fantasy of what I WANT it to be. Every Friday I'm so excited for the weekend, yet on the weekends (when he is home) am distressed and incredibly sad. They call it... magical thinking?
Thank you so much for your channel. I wanted to heal so I ran away with the clothes on my back when I was 19. Fast forward to 32 and I’m still trying to understand what happened and why. Your videos have given me so much clarity.
If my parents are in a good mood (I constantly scan for their behaviour and body language) then I am happier but if they are not I punish myself and think the whole world hates me and I isolate myself. I’m hyper vigilant around everyone now waiting for them to judge me and reject me and then I punish myself again. I put everyone before myself and my parents don’t like to see me successful eg financially and socially. I have no friends and never treat myself to anything in case they reject me. I just exist. I’ve missed out on life.
Wow, you have summed up how I feel. I have been diagnosed with anxiety and I am starting to see how I have put others before myself including people on my job. I’m sick and tired of it and I’m finally at the point where I am coming into realization that I matter. I have thoughts, feeling, emotions, wants, needs, etc that matter and I am starting to prioritize myself. I see others prioritizing themselves over me but they are ok with accepting my behavior when I prioritize them over myself. No more! I’m sick and tired of it and glad I discovered these videos. Thanks for sharing your post.
One thing is you are still here. You haven’t completely missed out on life. If you are alive, you still have a chance to improve. Don’t give up. While this is hard, it’s not impossible to start carving out a better quality life. Please pray and ask God for His Help.
Just wondering if this trauma bond is similar to the animal world when the strongest devour the weakest and sick. Human finding another human emotional prey, subservient type who assists and smoothes the paths for the stronger one to live a better, more pleasurable life. At the expense of self but excused as it comes through own strong enough determination to remain a human slave.
More 20+ minute videos, please. I find these the most informative and helpful. The TikTok world does not offer the saturation and internalization needed to heal and manage. I truly appreciate your work, but do not watch any of your "shorts" or "reels". The magic is in your (not rushed) longer videos. Blessings and keep up the good work.
I also think that us women have our own versions of keeping up with the Jonses. That we compare ourselves to other moms and don't feel good enough. I think many women feel that they have to do all this stuff, like being a corporate executive AND Suzy Homemaker AND Soccer mom, etc--I'm in my late 50's and guess what, we were never carted around everywhere in our own Disney carriage, to our hobbies or events, we walked and rode bikes, took the bus. All these expectations of perfection are put on us by ourselves and society. Great, if you can clone yourself, take turns. Instead of becoming a Stepford mom, we have to know our limits, when to ask for help, and what to let go of.
Thanks for sharing the video. Please use a lavalier mic. The things you said are so important but the noise that come from the background distracts my attention. I just subscribed. I liked your videos. Please keep them coming.
Hi Dr Kim Sage, could you please share more about the part on disorganized and anxious attachment style?💜
Yes- i have several vids here too. Can you share what you would like me to expand upon please!?❤️
@@DrKimSage I am curious to hear more about if anxious and disorganized are common in Complex PTSD? Because both include abandonment fears and I’m curious if this differs to or overlaps with BPD?
Great Point I too would like a deeper conversation on this too. I've researched almost all her videos on Hyper vigilance I want more information on how to heal myself from what I know I already have in this regard. Also how to get help and know for sure if I do have CPTSD then how to control it and manage it better. Without paying for a psychologist as I just can't afford right now.
Could you maybe do something about ADHD and avoidant attachment and link between.. so compulsive behaviour and consequences
But when will someone explain why it is that however much you give, whomever you give it to, they still give absolutely nothing back.
What if both my husband and I are products of self centered parents with alcohol abuse, emotionally immature parents, anger/ patentification of us both, and we are both wired-to be introverted, highly sensitive nervous system, and both experienced indirect sexual misconduct… and THEN…
he has turned to alcohol and some narcissistic tendencies … and I have turned to the codependence and low boundary tendencies…?
Ok, wow... Only 1 "no" in that test.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Trouve ça très bonne et important oui mais moi quant à moi vraiment Dieu merci énormément je prié toujours à tous qu'il nous donne toujours la force et la foie
Ill be right back need to go eat lol dan ruhl