Finally unafraid
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 5 ต.ค. 2024
- Making this video I feel a strong sense of finality, letting go of the idea of re-transitioning is huge. In this video I talk about transition and what it meant and why it felt so necessary, why detransition also now feels so necessary. Pretending to be something I was not, only made me feel more isolated and vulnerable. I also talk about grief, healing , my mother and what we've been through to heal together.
My blog and contact. sam-kaye.com/
It all sounds so familiar. You are not alone. Many people with profound childhood trauma will be able to hear themselves in what you describe. I don't personally believe you ever truly changed your sex. Perhaps you experienced other people's reactions to you based on your appearance, but I don't believe it's possible for anyone to experience what it's like to be the opposite sex. Everything you've experienced, you did so as a man. You've always been male. No bodily alterations can ever change this. I'm really sorry you've experienced such great harm to your physical body, but you can transcend that. The mind is the most important. If you can heal your mind, you can transcend what was done to your body. In Buddhism the Nyigma school of Tibetan Buddhism, they use the metaphor of a glass of murky water. If you allow the particles to sink, the water will become clear. But if you continue to shake the water, the particles will cloud the water each time. You can apply this metaphor to you mind, and emotions. If you can allow the powerful thoughts and emotions to settle down, resisting the urge to agitate them constantly, you can achieve quietude in your mind. This is something you can achieve if you practice meditation with a qualified teacher. It's definitely not easy, though, and requires a lot of practice. You can also study Buddhist thought, methods and techniques. In my view, these are the very best methods to overcoming whatever internal battles we face. Perhaps a pure form of Christianity can also offer this type of respite from severe trauma. Unfortunately, it can be difficult to find such purity these days, although it's definitely out there. You're lucky to have your mother's support. I'm glad you're together, and I hope you can overcome your experiences. Your life is definitely worthwhile, no matter what.
Thank you. I agree, we are what we are and " changing sex " simply changes perceptions.
"Sitting on a hillside, as usual." Made me chuckle. I can relate.
Thank you Sam for your honesty and vulnerability. The world needs men like you who can be a voice to those still afraid to speak in this dark world. You are fearfully and wonderfully made and so very loved! It warmed my heart to see your courage and you are not too far gone to obtain the healing, peace and freedom you desire. You will succeed in this journey! I am rooting for you and your loved ones and lifting you up in prayer! God bless you!
Thank you so much. I love these words " You are fearfully and wonderfully made " God bless you.too
You are doing the right thing by talking it out. Take as long as you need to talk about it. My abuse changed my life. I forgave people but it helps to talk things out. Your videos help me so much.
Such a powerful and deep realization - embracing your essence. My prayers and thoughts are with you as you journey back home to yourself.
Thank you Katia
Sam I’ve been with you since the very beginning - I found you shortly after my son claimed to be my daughter. Your heart has guided me through so many emotions I can relate to. You are you - that is enough always because God made you. Thank you for your story - it has saved me from being gaslit everywhere else I turned - but you- you were the truth I knew in my heart and I only hope your message reaches more sensitive young boys being swallowed whole by porn and discord and Reddit - thank you❤️
Thank you so much. I'm very touched that my videos have helped. I'm not going anywhere so there'll be more soon.
Sorry to ask? What’s backstory I gather mum had something to do with transitioning?. From woman to man or? . Who wanted the transition why was mum involved.
"being swallowed whole" This.
Sam listening to this brought a lot of peace and I appreciate it, hopefully more people in this era of the world hear you and know you through these videos
Gutted doesn't even begin to get it 💔
Thank you, Sam.
Mark
Sam, you're truly incredible and I shall keep you in my prayer. God created this wonderful being in you and may you take courage to walk in His leading and live out more and more of who He has made you to be. Much love in Jesus, Katie
Thank you for being here.
Just happened upon your channel today... I used to tear up looking at myself in the mirror, wanting achingly bad to be fully a boy and not just a tomboy, and Sam was the name I gave myself in my fantasy oddly enough. Luckily, I have the smallest of small breasts anyway, so I got the best of both worlds sans transition... You speak so well on the struggles of self acceptance... I lost someone dear last year to mental crisis in the midst of their gender transition. I've been having a hard time wrapping my head around it. Your video inspired me
Sam- Beautiful soul and truly the stunning and brave , brilliant, eloquent, phenomenal human being.
Thank you so much for your continued sharing and letting us into your life! ❤
On another note I would love to see the beautiful little hidden areas of your gorgeous surroundings. I would love to see where you live through your eyes. I love travel. It has immensely helped me.
Love your way ❤❤❤
Thank you Violet. Yes, I look forward to sharing more of the rugged beauty of this place.
Kia ora (greetings) from New Zealand 😌. I'm always reliefed to hear from you in your talks! I relate soooo much to your emotional processes!! And my heart is full when you come back on TH-cam 😌. There's been a few people around me needed to leave their life's 😔 I've been at that edge, I know for myself what that is like. To lose all hope.... It lifts me up to hear your in life and moving alone with your healing. Not letting what happened to you as a child take you out!! I believe that, that is my challenge to stay in this life, to heal from my childhood and to leave this world a better place than when I came 🗺️😌Your journey shared helps me Sam ❤️THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!
Thank you Jo.
if theres no humans out there to interrupt you during your videos then for sure there will be a bird. lol. that was cool, i love birds.
i know this is an old video but of course im sort of slowly diving into your reflections. i cant tell you how much i appreciate you sharing about your journey and about becoming human and more real, its such important stuff for us all to talk to each other about. also i really appreciate how simple and serene your videos are, its beautiful
Thank you again for sharing your fears about being a man and reasons for your transition.
The fact you exsist, as YOU sre as a man, is evidence that men do not have to be the scary people you experienced and so came to believe they are. When we deny the exsistence of the men who are poets, who are thinkers, who are artists, we all lose something so integral as a society. The world needs you, as much as you need you, as the man you actually are.
So grateful you are facing those old fears and courageously embracing yourself and sharing you with the world.
Thank you
@@Call-Me-Sam I didn't know your father had also identified as trans. Was this when you were a child?
@@Gingerblaze I have talked about it a couple of older videos, can't remember which ones though . It was when I was a kid, I never saw him transition but I do think I mirrored him from an early age. I really don't think its genetic, more to do with psychological and behavioural imprinting,
My pre transition therapist thought I was transitioning as an act of sympathy for him.... over the years I have considered that she may have been right, who knows.
@@Call-Me-Sam agree with the sympathy/imprinting concept. We learn how to be the sex we are, subconciously based on how our same sex parent behaves.
Dear Sam
I stumbled across your video and am so touched by your honesty. Thank you for sharing. I am left resonating with your experience of deep peace that come from acceptance.
And I love the poem.
Warmly tom
♥
Thank you Tom
They say thanks is the highest forms of thought. Gratitude is happiness doubled in wonder. &It is not reserved for what you haven't yet, but is how you recieve what you've already got. And although we're all in the market for "Awe" and we all like a good surprise... Maybe youll find you can surprise yourself still.
Sam, I'm grateful for who you are.
You know yourself so fully as you are and have been. And yet youre changing again, lifes seasons are changing, youre teaching us all now about change.
Im proud of you. Im grateful to live this life at the same time as you, wondering, praising, grieving, understanding, reveling, journeying...
Always
💜Chanté
Hey , how have you been . I emailed a while ago.
Thank you for these beautiful words , ever the artist.
The most moving talk I’ve ever heard, thank you & best wishes ❤
Thank you for sharing yourself.
Nice to meet you Sam. Thank you for sharing your story.
Dear Sam, thank you for sharing this genuine story of yours. It is humanizing. I bought David Wyite's Still Possible, the first poetry book I've ever bought. Thank you.
Thank you. That was also the first book of poetry I bought.
There are so many beautiful poems in that book alone that will take you on a journey and as you change , the poems reveal themselves .
The faces at Braga, The Journey, The Opening of Eyes are my favourites I think.
In his book The House of Belonging, there is a poem called What I Must Tell Myself, This is one of my favourites too. He re wrote it in a later book but shortened it, the older version is better.
Also, find A Twice Blessed Life, I can read it and read it over and again. Beautiful. Poetry seems the best, most accurate language to describe what it means to be human.
So much wisdom in your videos Sam. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. Looking forward to the scenery you want to share. Much love 💛
Thank you Tanya
This is my first time watching your channel. I don't know if this means a lot to you, yet I am proud of you for beginning your healing process. May you find the peace you have been searching for.
Thank you
Sam, this video really triggered me, so I am posting my second comment. I just moved last month, and I found a gratitude journal that I was gifted. I still don't use it, but I think about it every day. Each day on earth is a gift. All that you have gone through and you are still alive, it means something. You have great genes and a great sense of poetry. I forgot who said it, but poetry is what is lost in translation.
Thank you , I saw your other comments too. I hear you and understand what you went through, I grew up in the same era. I don't blame myself any longer but rebuilding takes time, self belief takes a different form after the old identity crumbles.
This story is becoming too familiar. An old friend of mine once opened up to me about her saddness....her father was an ex-military man but decided he wanted to be a woman. He was, if I remember correctly one of the first people to 'come out' about this. Understandably it was all very confusing for his friends and family. A few years later....he decided he wanted to be a man again. I never met him, I hope he found peace. I know his daughter never did.
My father transitioned when I was a kid. He never found peace either. Yes, it is confusing
The bird is a messager....when your heart hurts, they know. Courage, you are re-taking control, little by little. We are happy to have you back.
" re-taking control, little by little." you get it. Thank you.
I hope you take your time with all of this. This is a journey not really a destination. We are all on a journey. There is no hurry. I do understand the detransition movement. For some, they should never have had surgery from the beginning. For others it may have been right. My concern with the detransition movement is that it may not be right for some who now have jumped on board with it the way they did with the transition. The thing is to love yourself no matter what. Love yourself in any condition and in any shape and in any form. God loves you no matter what you are. If you don't find peace and happiness in any condition it is unlikely to find it at the end of the rainbow as well so to speak. Love yourself. Be happy with your beautiful self regardless. It is all a journey. We don't have to be perfect to be perfect.
Thanks Dianna. Yes, I'm in no rush and have detransitioned over a few years already . I do love myself but when I say this I mean that I love God, because God is the source of my being. My journey has been difficult not because of transition but because transition delayed me dealing with so much trauma I experienced through childhood. This may be difficult to understand but I don't regret transition , it's a part of my strange history. Life is really just beginning for me and yes , I agree, it is the journey not the destination.
I will pray for your recovery and peace for you. You are loved by so many people that need you.❤️
Sam, you so smart
Just working it out as I go. In the words of David Whyte " a blind child trying to put together a world "
Sam, I am so touched by how delicately you pick your words. You feel everything so deeply and so keenly. I almost wish we could be friends! I see you write, but do you ever write poetry?
I wanted to share a couple of poems with you that I wrote several years ago now. I was only going to share the first but it's so negative, and this video of yours so positive, that it seemed silly. Anyway --
stumbling across
the resolute thought
that this is what you are -
trauma became you
it ate you
it regurgitated you
and what came out
is a new kind of you,
one who will shake and falter
at affection as well as pain
//
11:11. And on an upbeat,
11:12.
Breathe out.
May
that breath last forever -
I catch myself.
Thinking that I want my breath,
my
life
continuing in any small way
wrecks me to my core.
This wasn’t so 6 months ago
when every day was not this.
11:15 and I continue with
my breathing.
Thank you Rachel, these are beautiful and really hit home . The language you use makes perfect sense to me.
After all that you have suffered, perhaps you emerge with a unique vantage, a place uniquely your own from which you can observe and understand the world and your fellow creatures.
In the long run what you have experienced and endured could turn out to be a powerful of gift.
I send you my very best wishes for health and good fortune in the future.
Of course you are a man. In the past, involuntary eunuchs have had no choice but to endure what was done to them in pursuit of a certain voice or a certain role.
(I don't see why you feel you must have more surgery. I think you have suffered enough)
Your voice is uniquely beautiful.
Thank you Ralph.
For many reasons breast removal now feels more essential than transition ever did.
I don't relish it but do feel that it is important.
You shall receive what you deserve some day.. whether its a healed body or good things that you wish for. You shall receive it because you deserve it. Thats how the universe works.
Thank you Devi. I think so too. Balance comes eventually.
Sam, there you are again. Good to hear from you, where you’re at. I just really hope you can feel the care, it’s impossible to really let you know, I can’t make sense of it myself even, but i suppose it’s best to say sending you love again. Michele x
Thank you Michele
@Call-Me-Sam this is such a powerful video ...all your videos are, but this one was especially potent .
The bird of prey showing up is life reflecting back the " higher perspective " from where you speak from ...
The symbolic language of the Feminine. ..very beautiful ♥️
Incredible that you've been able to be on this healing journey consciously with your mum...
I've never been able to do that, and now she has dementia, but also always the inability to face herself and the trauma held onto within. Now her life is one of physical pain as the inner pain was never felt .
Some years back in a former break down where I experienced a lot of PTSD, I confronted my step dad about the abuse I had received from him. He said he couldn't remember, which really threw me, but he did drink every night .
My mum called me the next day and basically told me I must have imagined it because it never happened.
That broke my heart and made me feel so unloved and alone.
Eventually I had to move back home because I had no choice financially. It was so difficult and triggering . Through that agonising time, I got my higher perspectives that helped me to forgive them ...but still my healing journey continues ...which feels more like forgiving myself.
Love you Sam
X
Hi Sam!
I love the birds! I’ve been drawn back to your videos today 😊. Thank you for sharing, it feels timely to me in terms of where my partner are at right now.
I am celebrating this next step in your journey and am excited to see you embrace being a man. It’s beautiful to watch and I feel myself coming alive. The fierceness with which you say “I have faith” gave me goosebumps and made me smile.
Thank you for being who you are, more and more. You are a gift to this world.
❤💜💙
Bless you. Thanks Annika. It's good to see you again.
Hi Sam, sitting in a hill side.
Nice to see you.
Anguish is the word, isn't it? Well done.
I felt so vulnerable after I made this video, conscious that there are many that watch not really understanding what I'm talking about. Reading your short comment I know that you do understand. Thank you.
be strong and do what's right for you, Sam. I don't know you...but I wish you the best.
In the immortal words of Jon Bon Jovi (pardon the simplicity) Welcome to wherever you are. 💜
You have touched me as I begin another day…a bit shaken, but perhaps a bit stronger for hearing you….the bird we heard was fledging and beginning it’s young life…
Fair Winds
Sam, I am glad that you are enjoying the simple life and connections of a small town. I feel though that you still blame yourself so much. I am a gay man who grew up in Russia in the 70s/80s/90s. When I first saw the Bronski Beat video Small town boy in 1991(I think), it was a revelation. I didn't understand the words, but I knew everything. Being gay at that time equaled Aids, but at the same time I had to get out of my small town. There is a lot of unprocessed trauma for gay men of my generation (I am 51). There was this ever present fear of Aids, so I escaped to drug use to have sex and numb myself, and to escape feelings that I am killing myself.
So fascinating that the fear of HIV/AIDs led you to walking directly into the mouth of the beast and activities which would put you most at risk.
I sincerely hope you managed to escape from that destructive path and heal.
Sam, that's good. That's very good. Thank you.
God is Truth
Always just so grateful for what you bring…the bird was a gift ya😂👌🏻♥️ much depth in what you say great to see you❤️
Thank you
Perfumed people! Love it! ❤️
Lovely video. Embrace being a man. ,And love thy mom, parenting is so so hard - especially mothering. We're never enough, and we're always too much.
I have noticed, being human is hard !
That's a very profound last sentence. I think you've just helped me work out my mum's point of view. Thank you❤️.
In ancient Egypt, the bird of prey was a sun symbol, and they were protected by the pharoah with the threat of death for those who killed or harmed them. They're seen as a bird of good fortune and a bringer of glory.
This was the first quote out of Google for the spiritual meaning of birds of prey.... Animal Spirit Guides Birds of Prey Represent Vision And Freedom. All birds of prey have incredibly sharp eyesight to help them locate and catch their prey. What's more, they fly high and free, taking a broad perspective and seeing the 'big picture'.
Do you see the similarity of the poem you read? About flying and freedom? Those birds of prey are around you to remind you of your freedom...
Thank you!
Just came across this video. Wow! So glad you have come back to an absolute truth of the fact that you are a man, nothing can change that! You are correct that gender not only is physical, but is a part of your eternal spirit as well. God formed you in your mother's womb and breathed into you to His breath of life and always planned to create you male. He has a purpose for you as you were created. May you soon know, that you know that you know the one who created you. He is Jesus the Christ, the living, loving God who wants very much you come to know Him and trust Him as your personal Savior. He is the only one you can count on who will guide you in all truth, never leave or forsake you. Your eternal destination He holds in His hands. May God bless you with this eternal truth🕊✝️. I will be praying for you🙏
Thank you.
❤Thank you!
Mordecai in the gate 💕
Thank you, this is something I am coming to understand.
Make your name honorable. Nothing else matters.
Resonates again x
Hi hope you are feeling better soon, We are all different, I love perfume and am a nice person, I look people in the eye and say hello, you never know what's going on inside a person's heart. I think your judging us way too much . Have a great life and understand those who dress differently or whatever is different from you
I placed no value judgement on " lycra clad perfumed people " , I just said that it feels strange. Amongst the woodland smells where artificial perfume really seems incongruous .
It didn't seem judgemental. More just an observation regarding how people living in modern urban environments are seperated so completely from the rest of the wild natural world and often quite unaware of this seperation.
@@Gingerblaze Thank you.... you should see the comments that YT removed.
💔
For symbolism I prefer to go with native american, hindu or egyptian meanings, reason being that I find cultures who are connected to nature and are spirituality based have meanings that I find resonate the most. A quick Google search for birds of prey symbolism in native culture shows that they signify protection, wisdom, healing among other traits. Birds of prey also have keen eyesight, so clarity. It seems to me you're being looked after Sam.
Thats good to know , thank you. I've noticed for a few years now birds of prey have been making their presence felt .
I believe that at the beginning of this video you said something about the perfumed people who don't look you in the eye? Yes. They are probably somewhat dishonest people, dear. But here's the thing. Many people are not as deep into transition towards authenticity as you are. And. Your spiritual bigness and masculine energy are a lot and may be intimidating for some. So, please send positive vibes to these people and maybe even say a little prayer for them. You never know. Maybe eventually they will have the courage to become friends 🕊️
As. often as possible I meet everyone with a smile.
@@Call-Me-Sam I can see that you are very open and friendly 😊
Mostly 😊
@@Call-Me-Sam 🐘
Mazel tov, Sam.
The bird of prey sees you. The horned ram gazes at you. They know you. They are you. Be the wound. Be yourself. See you soon. X
Thank you Rory.
❤
Hello Sam. Just saw your vid. Have to get to work. Book, or movie, which response do you prefer? 😉
I think public comments help others too. So, book please. 😊
Sam, you need to free yourself from the cage of this persistent, self indulgent rumination. Life is much too short for that. Just breathe, eat, work, sweat. Smell the woods, listen to the birds and the crack of twigs beneath your feet. Get out of your head and stay out.
So what do you know about me beyond what I talk about in these videos ? Do you think I share everything here. I certainly don't.
" breathe, eat, work, sweat. Smell the woods, listen to the birds and the crack of twigs beneath your feet. " I do this everyday.
Complex trauma effects the structure of the brain and conditions the nervous system . Effectively, it's a physical injury that takes time to heal. I've only been working with a therapist on and off for less than a year and am processing a lifetime of experience.
This is a positive video where I shared a break through.
I know nothing about you I only know about me. This is mostly true of all of us. Our intellect and analytical prowess is our greatest asset but turned inward too much it becomes a double edged sword.
Agreed. But as you said, you nothing about me.
If I believe I have something to say which I believe to my core might be helpful to someone, I am morally obligated to be forthcoming. What you do with it thereafter is entirely up to you. It would be interesting to engage with you beyond the bounds of the Internet. I wish you only the best.
Again, agreed. Then discernment in how we communicate is important.
I am one I mean I did take hormone replacement therapy but transition? I don't know lol
Not trying to be rude.
Oh, and I don't like looking. You look like how I have. I do like the colors of your clothing and the fit, it is interesting :)
🥲
It's interesting that trans people want complete acceptance from everyone, but you spent the first 5 minutes of your video bashing, critiquing people.
" bashing, critiquing people." Really
Not at all. Simply observation.
you said be a woman if you need to be. Why do you need to be a woman when you realize you are not and never was? If you value the fact your a man and know that to be true why would you ever need to be a woman again?
This is an old video when I was working things out . Its a process that is ongoing
@@Call-Me-Sam thanks for responding. God bless your journey.
@@careyboswell5321 Thank you
so are you a guy or a girl?
Guy