As someone who left a 4.5 year relationship because of the same reason, thank you for this. I'm someone who has put others before herself my whole life. NO self care or self love whatsoever. I truly hated myself (body dysmorphia, ED, panic attacks, OCD, general anxiety disorder, social anxiety, Depression, yay!). It made me miserable and unable to give my partner what he needed. It was a heartbreaking decision, but you have to choose yourself. You're stuck with you for the rest of your life, man. I really needed to take that step in order to finally accept myself. Thank you for the kind words. I really needed to hear this. That was September of 2020. Now, I'm almost 600 days sober, continuing therapy and gonna be medicated (heeey!), i have a skincare routine for the first time in my life, i'm learning to let go and stay present. It's been a journey, but it was the best decision I ever made, no matter how much it hurt to take the leap. And I'm still single. Happily!
A therapist once told me that the idea that you have to love yourself before being able to love someone else, can be switched. You actually have to be loved to be able to love yourself. We need good relationships to be able to thrive, we need people around us. So I personally think that it's tricky to cut of good people to 'find yourself'. But to speak for the person writing this, it's also very tiring to stay with someone who is doubting the relationship.
I'm not sure the ex is being honest or whether it's the best decision, but like Allison started off, that's all a moot point. The only take on this is that you should NOT beg someone to stay with you, so the writer needs to start moving on
I just wonder if wanting to break up is actually him wanting to better himself or it's the self-deprecating depression telling him to isolate himself...
I had a close online friend whose mother died suddenly and she became very distant, and eventually vanished. I tried reaching out several times to talk to her through different avenues and was very hurt and frustrated that she ‘wouldn’t let me be there for her/help her through this’. It wasn’t until later that I realized that I was centering myself, and making the situation about me. I still think of her and hope she’s well, but I will never forget this lesson.
I think its tough cause I think the bf's goal is definitely POSSIBLE while being with someone. I think if they're willing to work on it together it can be very helpful to have someone on the outside (Hiram) to call the bf out and be like "hey im fine, what do YOU want" Making sure the bf isn't always on edge thinking about Hiram's needs over his own. But at the end of the day, the bf has made a decision and it needs to be respected. Even though its possible to go through the process while in a relationship, doesn't mean its the right choice for the bf at this time.
I'm going through something really similar where i can't be close to my closest friend. I don't think it's easy for someone to understand this feeling except if they've been through it. I lost my individuality in that friendship. Being so dependent and wanting her to always like me ended up making me lose who i was. It started with small things that i would ignore for her or agree on just to please her, but over time it made me feel blurry about what i want, it was hard to know my opinion about anything or to decide on things. Another way to explain it is if there's like a circle of who ur close to and let in. She was closer in my circle that myself, eventhough i should be the center of that circle. I literally lost my center and trusted someone over my self. To everyone who says i could've worked on that while we were close, i tried for more than a year while having a therapist guide me through it. It's really impossible to ground yourself and rebuild ur center when there's a black hole in ur sphere, even if all her intentions were the best and all she wanted was to help and be there for me
I’m going through this exact situation at the moment. We weren’t together for very long but it was intense and it seemed to be going really well, but then he decided that he needed to be alone to work on his mental health. It’s been really hard for me, but I do understand how hard it must have been to make that decision, and I just want him to feel better, with or without me.
Unfortunately my experience aligns with Gaby's in the sense that every man who had asked me for a break or wanted to break up because they needed to work on themselves, 100% of the times they just got involved with someone else, so I have a lot of trouble believing them...
I wish I had the self-awareness to say this to my ex when the time was right. Instead I stayed in a toxic relationship for 2 more years and by the end of the relationship I didn't know who I was or what to tell him. "I am breaking up with you because I am dead inside" didn't seem like a good excuse.
You were both so mature during this episode I love how you both have grown so much since I first started watching you on buzzfeed and I’m so glad I’ve grown too!
I know it's hard for people with mental health issues to maintain healthy relationships, but I also believe that it's important to try and maintain a relationship regardless. Relationships are essential for good mental health and while other aspects of your mental health maybe sidelined, part of developing as a person is growing withing the relationship. You wouldn't tell a depressed person to ignore diet or exercise to address their depression. So I think it's important to work through struggles in a way that doesn't require you to break off a relationship. Part of living a healthy life is learning to learn live your life with mental illness, rather than waiting to get past it to live your life. Though there are definitely good reasons to focus on mental health and end a relationship, I think trying to work through it can also be a way to grow without sacrificing a connection with someone. Especially considering that breakups themselves can be detrimental to mental health.
I think that growing and recovering as a person can be such a messy process that takes so much self reflection and energy. I understand the points in the comments, however, I see why he may not want his girlfriend to see him struggle and there can be this guilt of "I feel bad my partner has to be with an incomplete person" or "how long will they have to wait to have the boyfriend they deserve?" It can also be hard for the partner to be this person's whole support system and they might not want that. All in all he could just be trying to get out of the relationship without a real explanation. That's fine too. Either way the separation would ultimately be better for both parties. I see comments too about, do you just abandon your friends when you're having a hard time? I mean kinda ya that's why people become isolative when depressed. They isolate from everyone. They might not "abandon" their friends but the relationship has a different dynamic to begin with and it's easier to take space from friends and come back when you need it.
I think it's just an excuse really, to lighten the blow and put the blame on yourself. If you really love someone deeply, you won't want to lose that person, even if you are struggling with depression.
I feel like . . . there has to be consent in any relationship. I think both parties are in for a break-up either way, and it will probably be permanent, not temporary.
I don't get the mindset of "I want to better myself, I will leave you". If you love someone, you won't leave them just like that. How is it impossible to work on yourself while being with someone else? This way, they will only be stagnant when in a relationship and only flourish when single? Do you cut friendships too? It seems like a dramatic mindset. Like Allison said, you can separate or give more space, but it seems people nowadays are too black or white: either work on myself or be with someone. It is either dramatic or an excuse to break up, like it seemed in Gabby's case. Nowadays, this self discovery/growth journey is so glorified that we forget life will never give us the perfect circumstances. A relationship is about navigating all these nuances. There is an underlying cause to leaving. Maybe they want to change and they don't want you in their new life.
Yeah I wish they wouldn't just give the benefit of the doubt here as MANY people don't want to be honest about why they're leaving someone - so idk why gabby was agreeing after her anecdote. I don't agree with Gabby's advice at the end either. Of course you have the right to be furious with someone if they lie to give themselves a clean exit, adding betrayal to the hurt. Don't minimise your feelings, stand up for yourself. Say 'FUCK THAT P.O.S.' Their advice is mostly solid tho. Doesn't matter how you dissect it, it's best to accept it's over and forget about them harder than Hermione Granger's parents forgot her.
I disagree. I think you can love someone and recognize that in order to improve your mental health issues, you need to be single. In this case this seems especially true as part of the partner's problem is putting too much energy into the other person. It isn't necessarily impossible to work on yourself while being with someone else in all cases. But, for some people, and some problems, it can be hard to address those issues in a relationship. Sometimes relationships exacerbate certain issues which can make it harder to grow. Sometimes you don't have the energy to hang on/improve yourself and attend to someone else. With regards to your comment and friendships, many friendships (most friendships?) involve less commitment, contact, and work than a romantic relationship, so it makes sense to maintain friendships will ending/pausing romantic relationships. But also, sometimes people do struggle to maintain friendships when they struggle. Sure, life may never give us the perfect circumstances, but we can be in better or worse mental states to deal with this imperfection. Sometimes, relationships need to go on the backburner.
@@Meikcaj I agree, relationships can be more intricate than friendships. I went through a tough time in 2019 and instead of dealing with it focussed on everything and everyone else. when the pandemic hit and I had to isolate and slow down with work and school all those things came back and it was awful. SO when I could see my friends and bf again I thought I'd be happy. It wasn't until I was alone again (by choice the next time) that I was able to heal. I would say sometimes some people may even need to step away or step back from friendships if you're the type of person that gives all of yourself to others and doesn't yet know how to pour into yourself.
@@Meikcaj true arguments! Guess it depends from situation to situation, yet there are a lot of instances where people simply give up and are being dramatic (the fantasy of going on a journey and needing to strip from all relationships etc, it is a real thing that happens!) or simply give up. But indeed, more nuanced than I initially statedm
there are several studies showing that ssri increase breakup probability and decrease happiness (spelling?) in relationships! so this might be the meds talking....
@@jasmint3207 it's very possible but emotional blunting and decreased sex drive are also somewhat common side effects of initial ssri treatment that can contribute to relationship problems. It's possible that both of those things (increased stability + side effects) are happening even.
Also, please don’t self diagnose BPD. There are many things you can come some way to self diagnosing though even a lot of those would benefit from a professional or expert opinion on how to deal with them. BPD, however, just don’t
So, as the old Jewish proverb goes, "You can drag a horse to a water, but you can't make it drink the water." If the proverbial horse is willing to get help themselves, let them. You can't force a couple or couples to be together, or else they shall end up sleeping separately in different rooms. Some personal problems are meant to be solved alone.
As someone who left a 4.5 year relationship because of the same reason, thank you for this. I'm someone who has put others before herself my whole life. NO self care or self love whatsoever. I truly hated myself (body dysmorphia, ED, panic attacks, OCD, general anxiety disorder, social anxiety, Depression, yay!). It made me miserable and unable to give my partner what he needed. It was a heartbreaking decision, but you have to choose yourself. You're stuck with you for the rest of your life, man. I really needed to take that step in order to finally accept myself. Thank you for the kind words. I really needed to hear this. That was September of 2020. Now, I'm almost 600 days sober, continuing therapy and gonna be medicated (heeey!), i have a skincare routine for the first time in my life, i'm learning to let go and stay present. It's been a journey, but it was the best decision I ever made, no matter how much it hurt to take the leap. And I'm still single. Happily!
A therapist once told me that the idea that you have to love yourself before being able to love someone else, can be switched. You actually have to be loved to be able to love yourself. We need good relationships to be able to thrive, we need people around us. So I personally think that it's tricky to cut of good people to 'find yourself'. But to speak for the person writing this, it's also very tiring to stay with someone who is doubting the relationship.
I'm not sure the ex is being honest or whether it's the best decision, but like Allison started off, that's all a moot point. The only take on this is that you should NOT beg someone to stay with you, so the writer needs to start moving on
I just wonder if wanting to break up is actually him wanting to better himself or it's the self-deprecating depression telling him to isolate himself...
I had a close online friend whose mother died suddenly and she became very distant, and eventually vanished. I tried reaching out several times to talk to her through different avenues and was very hurt and frustrated that she ‘wouldn’t let me be there for her/help her through this’. It wasn’t until later that I realized that I was centering myself, and making the situation about me. I still think of her and hope she’s well, but I will never forget this lesson.
the way i just broke up w my gf of 2+ years to work on myself. y’all’s timing is always immaculate
I think its tough cause I think the bf's goal is definitely POSSIBLE while being with someone. I think if they're willing to work on it together it can be very helpful to have someone on the outside (Hiram) to call the bf out and be like "hey im fine, what do YOU want" Making sure the bf isn't always on edge thinking about Hiram's needs over his own. But at the end of the day, the bf has made a decision and it needs to be respected. Even though its possible to go through the process while in a relationship, doesn't mean its the right choice for the bf at this time.
I'm going through something really similar where i can't be close to my closest friend. I don't think it's easy for someone to understand this feeling except if they've been through it.
I lost my individuality in that friendship. Being so dependent and wanting her to always like me ended up making me lose who i was. It started with small things that i would ignore for her or agree on just to please her, but over time it made me feel blurry about what i want, it was hard to know my opinion about anything or to decide on things. Another way to explain it is if there's like a circle of who ur close to and let in. She was closer in my circle that myself, eventhough i should be the center of that circle. I literally lost my center and trusted someone over my self. To everyone who says i could've worked on that while we were close, i tried for more than a year while having a therapist guide me through it. It's really impossible to ground yourself and rebuild ur center when there's a black hole in ur sphere, even if all her intentions were the best and all she wanted was to help and be there for me
I’m going through this exact situation at the moment. We weren’t together for very long but it was intense and it seemed to be going really well, but then he decided that he needed to be alone to work on his mental health. It’s been really hard for me, but I do understand how hard it must have been to make that decision, and I just want him to feel better, with or without me.
Unfortunately my experience aligns with Gaby's in the sense that every man who had asked me for a break or wanted to break up because they needed to work on themselves, 100% of the times they just got involved with someone else, so I have a lot of trouble believing them...
I wish I had the self-awareness to say this to my ex when the time was right. Instead I stayed in a toxic relationship for 2 more years and by the end of the relationship I didn't know who I was or what to tell him. "I am breaking up with you because I am dead inside" didn't seem like a good excuse.
You were both so mature during this episode I love how you both have grown so much since I first started watching you on buzzfeed and I’m so glad I’ve grown too!
My SO broke it off because it just was too much at the wrong time and it was so hard and heartbreaking to understand but I get it.
I know it's hard for people with mental health issues to maintain healthy relationships, but I also believe that it's important to try and maintain a relationship regardless. Relationships are essential for good mental health and while other aspects of your mental health maybe sidelined, part of developing as a person is growing withing the relationship. You wouldn't tell a depressed person to ignore diet or exercise to address their depression. So I think it's important to work through struggles in a way that doesn't require you to break off a relationship. Part of living a healthy life is learning to learn live your life with mental illness, rather than waiting to get past it to live your life. Though there are definitely good reasons to focus on mental health and end a relationship, I think trying to work through it can also be a way to grow without sacrificing a connection with someone. Especially considering that breakups themselves can be detrimental to mental health.
I vote yes to letting them go when they ask for a break up
I think that growing and recovering as a person can be such a messy process that takes so much self reflection and energy. I understand the points in the comments, however, I see why he may not want his girlfriend to see him struggle and there can be this guilt of "I feel bad my partner has to be with an incomplete person" or "how long will they have to wait to have the boyfriend they deserve?" It can also be hard for the partner to be this person's whole support system and they might not want that. All in all he could just be trying to get out of the relationship without a real explanation. That's fine too. Either way the separation would ultimately be better for both parties. I see comments too about, do you just abandon your friends when you're having a hard time? I mean kinda ya that's why people become isolative when depressed. They isolate from everyone. They might not "abandon" their friends but the relationship has a different dynamic to begin with and it's easier to take space from friends and come back when you need it.
Thanks guys, I needed to hear this badly
I think it's just an excuse really, to lighten the blow and put the blame on yourself. If you really love someone deeply, you won't want to lose that person, even if you are struggling with depression.
i really needed this, thank you💕
I feel like . . . there has to be consent in any relationship. I think both parties are in for a break-up either way, and it will probably be permanent, not temporary.
in a way isnt this also show that being together isn’t helping the guy to grow/better himself?
I don't get the mindset of "I want to better myself, I will leave you". If you love someone, you won't leave them just like that. How is it impossible to work on yourself while being with someone else? This way, they will only be stagnant when in a relationship and only flourish when single? Do you cut friendships too? It seems like a dramatic mindset. Like Allison said, you can separate or give more space, but it seems people nowadays are too black or white: either work on myself or be with someone. It is either dramatic or an excuse to break up, like it seemed in Gabby's case.
Nowadays, this self discovery/growth journey is so glorified that we forget life will never give us the perfect circumstances. A relationship is about navigating all these nuances.
There is an underlying cause to leaving. Maybe they want to change and they don't want you in their new life.
Completely agree! You put it so well, life will never give us perfect circumstances!
Yeah I wish they wouldn't just give the benefit of the doubt here as MANY people don't want to be honest about why they're leaving someone - so idk why gabby was agreeing after her anecdote.
I don't agree with Gabby's advice at the end either. Of course you have the right to be furious with someone if they lie to give themselves a clean exit, adding betrayal to the hurt. Don't minimise your feelings, stand up for yourself. Say 'FUCK THAT P.O.S.'
Their advice is mostly solid tho. Doesn't matter how you dissect it, it's best to accept it's over and forget about them harder than Hermione Granger's parents forgot her.
I disagree. I think you can love someone and recognize that in order to improve your mental health issues, you need to be single. In this case this seems especially true as part of the partner's problem is putting too much energy into the other person. It isn't necessarily impossible to work on yourself while being with someone else in all cases. But, for some people, and some problems, it can be hard to address those issues in a relationship. Sometimes relationships exacerbate certain issues which can make it harder to grow. Sometimes you don't have the energy to hang on/improve yourself and attend to someone else. With regards to your comment and friendships, many friendships (most friendships?) involve less commitment, contact, and work than a romantic relationship, so it makes sense to maintain friendships will ending/pausing romantic relationships. But also, sometimes people do struggle to maintain friendships when they struggle.
Sure, life may never give us the perfect circumstances, but we can be in better or worse mental states to deal with this imperfection. Sometimes, relationships need to go on the backburner.
@@Meikcaj I agree, relationships can be more intricate than friendships. I went through a tough time in 2019 and instead of dealing with it focussed on everything and everyone else. when the pandemic hit and I had to isolate and slow down with work and school all those things came back and it was awful. SO when I could see my friends and bf again I thought I'd be happy. It wasn't until I was alone again (by choice the next time) that I was able to heal. I would say sometimes some people may even need to step away or step back from friendships if you're the type of person that gives all of yourself to others and doesn't yet know how to pour into yourself.
@@Meikcaj true arguments! Guess it depends from situation to situation, yet there are a lot of instances where people simply give up and are being dramatic (the fantasy of going on a journey and needing to strip from all relationships etc, it is a real thing that happens!) or simply give up. But indeed, more nuanced than I initially statedm
Love u both love this podcast🔥🔥💯💯💯❤
there are several studies showing that ssri increase breakup probability and decrease happiness (spelling?) in relationships! so this might be the meds talking....
woah i should look this up. never heard of this before
Maybe they help people find the strength and stability to exit a bad relationship
@@jasmint3207 it's very possible but emotional blunting and decreased sex drive are also somewhat common side effects of initial ssri treatment that can contribute to relationship problems. It's possible that both of those things (increased stability + side effects) are happening even.
lol gaby i also had an ex leave me due to mental health problems and then get with someone else two weeks later
Me af lol
Also, please don’t self diagnose BPD. There are many things you can come some way to self diagnosing though even a lot of those would benefit from a professional or expert opinion on how to deal with them. BPD, however, just don’t
If he's getting help and on medication, it's possible that he's exploring that option with professionals, not self diagnosis.
So, as the old Jewish proverb goes, "You can drag a horse to a water, but you can't make it drink the water." If the proverbial horse is willing to get help themselves, let them. You can't force a couple or couples to be together, or else they shall end up sleeping separately in different rooms. Some personal problems are meant to be solved alone.