I just realized something. Broken people are inclined to think of everyone as broken along their lines of broken-ness. A person with anger issues think of anger as a good justification, a person that's been abused thinks all relationships work like their own. The reason a cheater will offer you a one-sided open relationship, is because their fatal flaw is a lack of self-control, and that flaw is so bad (two years in this instance), that they think everyone has their problem. They think that by allowing you to "lose control", they're giving you something desirable. If anything, a cheater offering you a one-sided open relationship should be more proof to leave, because they don't fundamentally understand the point of discipline and restraint, especially along lines of relationships.
That is quite the revelation, and the end is true, but allow me to revise it: When a person knowingly falters, like cheating, it eats away at their conscious causing the first bout of grief, but justifying it by delegating the anger and part of the denial onto their partner(s). This is because they are subconsciously mourning the loss of their morals. Then when they get caught, they go through a second bout of grief, this time mourning the loss of their relationship. However, as they can no longer bargain with their own morality, they scramble to find something of equal value to offer... falling short. The revision that I am suggesting is that they aren't offering something desirable by "losing crontrol" (else the wife would have offered her husband to sleep with OBS), but rather that they have come to the realization that they have nothing to elevate their stature, so seek to tear down their partner's instead. "Let's be broken together and build ourselves back up." That said, you're right that such a cheater does not understand the fundamentals of what it would take to fix the relationship, and will end up putting more and more band-aids on third degree burns trying to patch things up. They need to accept their loss, be accountable for not only their actions but also the outcomes, and learn to rebuild the right way before they can have anything to offer.
@@Maninawig While I think the revision is somewhat fair, I disagree w/ the reasoning a bit. To start, I like the lens you viewed it through, I'm guessing through cognitive dissonance? I use these vids sometimes as a way to reflect on relationships, making connections and the like, but a more traditional answer seems to be useful here too. I think it depends on the amount of delusion, whether I'm wrong or not. For instance, if the person is already a cheater, and this is anytime past the first relationship where it's occured (or if the affairs gone on long enough) the level of cognitive dissonance is less, and it's more likely a part of their moral compass and personality now, something that they in no way reject. If that is the case, they don't see it as broken-ness, so can't don't see it as being "broken together". Even looking at some cases of shorter relationships with high delusion (there's one on this channel where a woman has an affair, then declares to her husband, that it's an open relationship because she said so, that's the sort of relationship I'm talking about). In that case, it's not your morality they're attempting to bargain, but their own "freedom", hence my previous idea of "losing control". Low delusion cheating aligns more with your stating and defense. Keep in mind for the idea above, low delusion is just and spitball of an idea, not something fully formed.
@@tumultoustortellini I learned my outlook from intensive therapy (trauma, not cheating), but in a way, I think we're saying very similar things in different ways, so allow me to pull away from morality for a bit. What you mentionned about accepting a new norm is part of the comfort bubble theory, where we are comfortable with everything inside the bubble. Growth is then achieved by leaving the bubble and living in the discomfort until it becomes comfortable (accepting that new norm). With that theory in play, a caught cheater would fall into two categories: either the ones who are resolute in their decision and won't offer a "free pass" but rather a new path (such as opening up the marriage on both ends), or those who realize that their growth have cost them the values they still hold dear (like loyalty and faithfulness), like you said in your first post, the breaks the disillusion, leads them into grief, and makes them seek quick fixes. The part I mentionned about breaking the partner is a different phenomenon commonly seen today, where people seek social validation over the hard work that would bring them acceptance. In this case, validate their cheating by having their partner cheat instead of taking the hard road of learning and letting go of the toxic behaviors to relearn the habits to helpful behaviors. Cheating takes 3 minutes, but fixing oneself can take years... but like you originally said; those who settle for social validation will never put in the effort to better themselves.
@@Maninawig Let's try combining the comfort bubble theory, and my idea about low and high delusion (think, analogous structures). I was going to make a "regret and non-regret reaction" angle, but it feels uneeded, and also like too much abstraction from the point. Let's start like this: cheating is an instance, in comfort bubble terms, of turning a bad uncomfortable thing into a bad comfortable thing. The regret reaction comes in 2 possible ways (as outlined by you, tell me if what I said was incorrect), - low delusion, wherein a person clearly understands that the discomfort area was the cause for regret, and the person attempts to make a long fix (ex: attempting to fix the relationship through rebuilding trust and loyalty between parties (also, note, I don't accept attempting an open relationship as any different from a one-sided open relationship, because they both usually come from the same place, that being from a misattribution of their own vices/desires to their partner, feel free to fight on this if you want)). Their interpretation of the relationship's flaws are framed around their exiting off that areas of previous discomfort. - high delusion, wherein a person doesn't understand that the discomfort area was the cause for regret, and the person attempts to make short fixes (ex: opening up the relationship). Their interpretation of the relationship's flaws are then framed more around their continued existance within their areas of previous discomfort. This is as much for you as me, I needed a bit of framing to understand your writing.
I like how everyone is blaming op and making the wife the victim. He's been treated like crap a lied to for years. He's bot obligated to take her back.
In these cases when the woman cheats, get court and the offended hurt husband reacts, why are people always attacking the person betrayed reacts? A form of victim blaming.
He's only a victim of his own ignorance. If you don't know, you don't know. Women have to be handled in a very specific manner in order to keep everyone happy. Most guys have no clue how to do it, unfortunately.
@@betteraphy True. But, when have women ever needed justification for any of the BS they pull? They're abusive by birth. It's natural for them.
5 หลายเดือนก่อน
@@heinzkitzvelvet the same shit say of man and not a single person that was given said advice has escaped divorce because females arent an homogonous group once they enter eras of peaces and they are too intelligent. Stop with the animalistic shit and learn the person you are treating with instead of using excuses
Any long term affair is an instant divorce for, no questions ask. It a clear sign, the partner no longer thinks your are enough and nobody is that good at creating such a good story of long term cheating. But will be monitor just incase it was an elaborate scheme that someone can actually pull off. One night stand will have to be examine but it will still have a high chance of going into divorce if the affair is real. Percentage wise, it is 99%.
That f*cking therapist: Therapist: Come on take her back we all make mistakes, ur pathetic and weak if you dont OP: Nah Therapist: Oh did I trigger you with FACTS and LOGIC?
That's why I hate therapists. If someone cheats, no therapy (as somehow you will be made to look like the bad person or equally as bad as each other) just dump their asses on the streets
i feel like therapist just excluded emotions from his conclusions and suggestions, it not his job to take sides, his role is to facilitate communication and make sure both sides get to talk and be heard till they come to their respective resolutions and it doesn’t really matter what they are
shes trying hard BECAUSE SHE WAS CAUGHT. if she didnt get caught she'd keep playing with the boss and vice versa. its not a mistake that they had an affair for months probably, its a choice. its just a bitter pill to swallow taking back the wife when youll always have that feeing that shes only doing this because she got caught and shes only doing this because of it.
"Many couples come out stronger after an affair" you mean the cheater fights for their life to keep their partner knowing full well that their partner would be way happier with a faithful SO and would have every right to leave and find one? Yeah I BET.
Oh yeah, she gets to have an affair for two years, but then people get mad at him for wanting a divorce. Idiots. Saying sorry doesn’t undo the lies, cheating, and cruel behavior. And it certainly doesn’t mean she won’t do it again, she’ll just be better at hiding it.
Why would you allow her to disrespect and abuse you for years? Women don't just wake up one morning and decide to cheat. It's a slow build up. It's little bits of disrespect and abuse, gone unchecked, that accumulate and go farther and farther until she has it firmly in her mind that you ain't nothing, and she can do whatever she wants to you, because you are too weak and accommodating to stand up to her bs. The problem with most men is they see this abuse happening and instead of putting her back in her place where she belongs, they start trying harder and harder to please her so she'll hopefully stop the abuse and love him again. But, that's not how tyrants operate. The more you give, the more they take, until you are nothing more than an ATM, and a doormat, for them. Stop letting these women abuse you! It's the reason for every "my wife cheated" Reddit story in the history of ever. You failed to check her on her abuse. You allowed her to get too comfortable with her abuse and disrespect.
There is a massive situation ( call it a story if you want to) happening in my life i kinda need to vent where can i find that reddit page so i can write and receive help?
Why can't you see that this is exactly what your marriage needed?! You're looking at your situation through complete anger which I get. I think you should give her 1 more chance 💯 🎯
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NGL, OP came out as a winner out of this mess. Better girl, children on his side, and both ex still in a mess.
Best served cold and by nature unplanned
I just realized something. Broken people are inclined to think of everyone as broken along their lines of broken-ness. A person with anger issues think of anger as a good justification, a person that's been abused thinks all relationships work like their own. The reason a cheater will offer you a one-sided open relationship, is because their fatal flaw is a lack of self-control, and that flaw is so bad (two years in this instance), that they think everyone has their problem. They think that by allowing you to "lose control", they're giving you something desirable. If anything, a cheater offering you a one-sided open relationship should be more proof to leave, because they don't fundamentally understand the point of discipline and restraint, especially along lines of relationships.
Damn. Never thought of this like that. Good point
That is quite the revelation, and the end is true, but allow me to revise it:
When a person knowingly falters, like cheating, it eats away at their conscious causing the first bout of grief, but justifying it by delegating the anger and part of the denial onto their partner(s). This is because they are subconsciously mourning the loss of their morals.
Then when they get caught, they go through a second bout of grief, this time mourning the loss of their relationship. However, as they can no longer bargain with their own morality, they scramble to find something of equal value to offer... falling short.
The revision that I am suggesting is that they aren't offering something desirable by "losing crontrol" (else the wife would have offered her husband to sleep with OBS), but rather that they have come to the realization that they have nothing to elevate their stature, so seek to tear down their partner's instead. "Let's be broken together and build ourselves back up."
That said, you're right that such a cheater does not understand the fundamentals of what it would take to fix the relationship, and will end up putting more and more band-aids on third degree burns trying to patch things up. They need to accept their loss, be accountable for not only their actions but also the outcomes, and learn to rebuild the right way before they can have anything to offer.
@@Maninawig While I think the revision is somewhat fair, I disagree w/ the reasoning a bit.
To start, I like the lens you viewed it through, I'm guessing through cognitive dissonance? I use these vids sometimes as a way to reflect on relationships, making connections and the like, but a more traditional answer seems to be useful here too.
I think it depends on the amount of delusion, whether I'm wrong or not. For instance, if the person is already a cheater, and this is anytime past the first relationship where it's occured (or if the affairs gone on long enough) the level of cognitive dissonance is less, and it's more likely a part of their moral compass and personality now, something that they in no way reject. If that is the case, they don't see it as broken-ness, so can't don't see it as being "broken together". Even looking at some cases of shorter relationships with high delusion (there's one on this channel where a woman has an affair, then declares to her husband, that it's an open relationship because she said so, that's the sort of relationship I'm talking about). In that case, it's not your morality they're attempting to bargain, but their own "freedom", hence my previous idea of "losing control". Low delusion cheating aligns more with your stating and defense.
Keep in mind for the idea above, low delusion is just and spitball of an idea, not something fully formed.
@@tumultoustortellini I learned my outlook from intensive therapy (trauma, not cheating), but in a way, I think we're saying very similar things in different ways, so allow me to pull away from morality for a bit.
What you mentionned about accepting a new norm is part of the comfort bubble theory, where we are comfortable with everything inside the bubble. Growth is then achieved by leaving the bubble and living in the discomfort until it becomes comfortable (accepting that new norm).
With that theory in play, a caught cheater would fall into two categories: either the ones who are resolute in their decision and won't offer a "free pass" but rather a new path (such as opening up the marriage on both ends), or those who realize that their growth have cost them the values they still hold dear (like loyalty and faithfulness), like you said in your first post, the breaks the disillusion, leads them into grief, and makes them seek quick fixes.
The part I mentionned about breaking the partner is a different phenomenon commonly seen today, where people seek social validation over the hard work that would bring them acceptance. In this case, validate their cheating by having their partner cheat instead of taking the hard road of learning and letting go of the toxic behaviors to relearn the habits to helpful behaviors. Cheating takes 3 minutes, but fixing oneself can take years... but like you originally said; those who settle for social validation will never put in the effort to better themselves.
@@Maninawig Let's try combining the comfort bubble theory, and my idea about low and high delusion (think, analogous structures). I was going to make a "regret and non-regret reaction" angle, but it feels uneeded, and also like too much abstraction from the point.
Let's start like this: cheating is an instance, in comfort bubble terms, of turning a bad uncomfortable thing into a bad comfortable thing. The regret reaction comes in 2 possible ways (as outlined by you, tell me if what I said was incorrect),
- low delusion, wherein a person clearly understands that the discomfort area was the cause for regret, and the person attempts to make a long fix (ex: attempting to fix the relationship through rebuilding trust and loyalty between parties (also, note, I don't accept attempting an open relationship as any different from a one-sided open relationship, because they both usually come from the same place, that being from a misattribution of their own vices/desires to their partner, feel free to fight on this if you want)). Their interpretation of the relationship's flaws are framed around their exiting off that areas of previous discomfort.
- high delusion, wherein a person doesn't understand that the discomfort area was the cause for regret, and the person attempts to make short fixes (ex: opening up the relationship). Their interpretation of the relationship's flaws are then framed more around their continued existance within their areas of previous discomfort.
This is as much for you as me, I needed a bit of framing to understand your writing.
Take back a cheater, they will cheat again but do better hiding it
Anyone who says the marriage is stronger after an affair is lying. There is a reason lawyers say do not coitus.
Who regrets getting rid of a disloyal person? Thats sounds like wisdom to me
"No happily ever after" I mean I don't know what OP thinks happily ever after means but he's there.
I like how everyone is blaming op and making the wife the victim. He's been treated like crap a lied to for years. He's bot obligated to take her back.
In these cases when the woman cheats, get court and the offended hurt husband reacts, why are people always attacking the person betrayed reacts? A form of victim blaming.
He's only a victim of his own ignorance.
If you don't know, you don't know.
Women have to be handled in a very specific manner in order to keep everyone happy. Most guys have no clue how to do it, unfortunately.
@@heinzkitzvelvetdoesn’t justify cheating she could have divorced
@@betteraphy True. But, when have women ever needed justification for any of the BS they pull? They're abusive by birth. It's natural for them.
@@heinzkitzvelvet the same shit say of man and not a single person that was given said advice has escaped divorce because females arent an homogonous group once they enter eras of peaces and they are too intelligent. Stop with the animalistic shit and learn the person you are treating with instead of using excuses
@@heinzkitzvelvetare you really excusing cheating because of that???
Cheaters should never prosper and im so happy for OP and his new partner. I hope they bring more happiness to their lives and their children's lives
27:57 my man saw a chance and he took it
i have nothing but respect to that man 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Any long term affair is an instant divorce for, no questions ask. It a clear sign, the partner no longer thinks your are enough and nobody is that good at creating such a good story of long term cheating. But will be monitor just incase it was an elaborate scheme that someone can actually pull off.
One night stand will have to be examine but it will still have a high chance of going into divorce if the affair is real. Percentage wise, it is 99%.
That f*cking therapist:
Therapist: Come on take her back we all make mistakes, ur pathetic and weak if you dont
OP: Nah
Therapist: Oh did I trigger you with FACTS and LOGIC?
Yeah, that was awful.
@@Alissandre_Iskandertherapist tried to cuck him but he wasn’t having that.
That's why I hate therapists. If someone cheats, no therapy (as somehow you will be made to look like the bad person or equally as bad as each other) just dump their asses on the streets
i feel like therapist just excluded emotions from his conclusions and suggestions, it not his job to take sides, his role is to facilitate communication and make sure both sides get to talk and be heard till they come to their respective resolutions and it doesn’t really matter what they are
i knew he was gonna go for that guys exwife😂😂anyway good for him🔥
shes trying hard BECAUSE SHE WAS CAUGHT. if she didnt get caught she'd keep playing with the boss and vice versa. its not a mistake that they had an affair for months probably, its a choice. its just a bitter pill to swallow taking back the wife when youll always have that feeing that shes only doing this because she got caught and shes only doing this because of it.
Mate this guy doing parkour is straight cheating
"Many couples come out stronger after an affair" you mean the cheater fights for their life to keep their partner knowing full well that their partner would be way happier with a faithful SO and would have every right to leave and find one? Yeah I BET.
oh this cheaters😂 fouling OP over 2 years and treating him bad but then is sorry and the best jealous?
He saying no happy after but it sound like one to me
Oh yeah, she gets to have an affair for two years, but then people get mad at him for wanting a divorce. Idiots. Saying sorry doesn’t undo the lies, cheating, and cruel behavior. And it certainly doesn’t mean she won’t do it again, she’ll just be better at hiding it.
22:00 I wouldn’t truth the wife enough to do so. What if AP got her pregnant and she’s looking to pass the baby off.
Why would you allow her to disrespect and abuse you for years? Women don't just wake up one morning and decide to cheat. It's a slow build up. It's little bits of disrespect and abuse, gone unchecked, that accumulate and go farther and farther until she has it firmly in her mind that you ain't nothing, and she can do whatever she wants to you, because you are too weak and accommodating to stand up to her bs.
The problem with most men is they see this abuse happening and instead of putting her back in her place where she belongs, they start trying harder and harder to please her so she'll hopefully stop the abuse and love him again. But, that's not how tyrants operate. The more you give, the more they take, until you are nothing more than an ATM, and a doormat, for them.
Stop letting these women abuse you!
It's the reason for every "my wife cheated" Reddit story in the history of ever. You failed to check her on her abuse. You allowed her to get too comfortable with her abuse and disrespect.
There is a massive situation ( call it a story if you want to) happening in my life i kinda need to vent where can i find that reddit page so i can write and receive help?
Just put r/
Confessions
Offmychest
Divorce
Advice
Aita
Or something similar while I don't know where this is from
Might be r/advice or r/relation...not sure...following for more
17
First 0:59
I hope she wants to move on because you're very stpd, you're in love with her but just wanted revenge, hope she move on without you.
Why can't you see that this is exactly what your marriage needed?! You're looking at your situation through complete anger which I get. I think you should give her 1 more chance 💯 🎯
Could you forgive a partner for cheating on you for 2 years
Cheaters never change, they only find better ways to hide it after each time. You're an absolute babbling gobshite
This is fixing a broken mirror, dude. It will hurt more trying to repair it
Cheating is Not a mistake it is a choice. Funny how cheaters always blame everyone but themselves for the Cheating.