Romance started dying the second it was seen as a product. Hell, look at online dating. People have confused standards in a partner with preferences, as if they’re simply shopping. I’m terrified at how dehumanizing dating is becoming, it’s enabling more and more unacceptable behavior.
So true. And sometimes the ''shopping criteria'' doesn't even come from what the person really feels, but from societal expectations of looks, money, and social status. So many times I've seen people ashamed of falling in love with someone because they didn't meet the standards set for them, by others and the culture.
@@cobracommander8133 From my community experience and internet in general if your height is less than 1.70 meters you're basically not a man (whatever the person saying it means).
As someone who doesn’t date I don’t think I’m doing something revolutionary or “cleansing”, I’m just not dating 🤷🏻♀️ I like couples and I like single people if they are nice and that’s it… I like the idea of forming a community and being part of a family who works together to live as comfortable as they can… I think it could work for me, forming a community that resembles what my family does
Even if you think you aren't doing anything revolutionary intentionally, you are going against all societal norms and biological instinct. The reason why people are doing this, even not aware of how strange that is, it's quite interesting. Hopefully this type of lifestyle of part of the population will create better communities and outcomes. Let there be revolution!
@@GreenPlymProductionessentializing sexuality? That’s a joke. Sexuality is the reason you exist. It can’t be removed from prime importance in managing society. It is essential to existence
Yes, friendships seem to be the kind of relationship that one is expected to give up on, or at least on their intensity, when leaving childhood. That you should keep your friends just close enough once you find a partner so that you have them at your wedding as a reminder of childhood or when things go south but not as active, rich members of your daily life. That's honestly very messed up and sad especially when friendship-building is such an important part of building one self and evolving. Interestingly enough I found that my polyamorous friend is the best at valuing and keeping her friendships strong and alive which is probably due to her putting all relationships, no matter their nature, to the same level. Somehow that feels pretty revolutionary haha.
People forget that friendship is the stepping stones to long last romantic and intimate relationships. Without ever having good friendships how can one have a lasting marriage?
i have a friend who is actually monogamous but places all relationships on the same level and its very admirable considering that he doesnt particularly identify with the left but continues to challenge his beliefs no matter how comfortable they are and he doesnt even know how cool he is
@@markigirl2757 depends. Your partner is on different level than friend. Some things you can talk about with friends only, and some are exclusive between partners. Mixing it isn't recommended
I have just one friend rn and that's my partner...I can't really imagine having a boyfriend that won't happen to be also my best friend, it just doesn't make sense to me
"You're not dating? You're just friends?" JUST friends? My closest friendships have lasted longer and been more valuable than any of my romantic relationships. They are the family I chose, not the family I was born with. These expectations of romance come from the limited types of relationships portrayed in media. There are far more ways for people to relate to each other than are shown in movies and TV shows. These other types of relationships aren't shown because they tend to be drama-free, and it's hard to get people to watch movies that don't have drama. It's no surprise that we are getting more lonely, when we are not taught how to not be lonely.
This I can agree and relate to yes! 👌💯 I have a best friend who used to have a crush on me in high school and I have known her for more than a decade. We are not dating never have and my friendship with her has lasted longer than ANY relationship in my life. There are somethings a friendship and friend circle can provide that a serious relationship will NEVER be able to.
I mean, yeah, but having our sexual desires is a core need of humans. When we have no prospect of having those needs met, what's the point of anything?
@@CC3GROUNDZERO The point of a relationship is not to meet your sexual need, it's so much more than that (primarily satisfying the need for a deep romantic connection). You have masturbation and hookups for that (if that is the only thing you want).
You guys just love blaming capitalism for everything, as if soviet society was the peak of fulfilling romantic relationships. This is a cultural issue, only autistic (protestant+east asian) countries have this issue anyways. Blame Martin Luther.
@@ligmaballs777 Literally no one said or alluded to the idea that "Soviet society was the peak of fulfilling romantic relationships." You just made up your own argument that you could then attack.
3:46 My aunt was cheated on by her husband and she tried to stay together and make the marriage work for about 10 years and it ended up making her an incredibly unhappy and bitter person and it's kind of sad watching her get worse over time.
That’s sad. But imagine if her husband had christian values and feared God and didn’t cheat on her and was nice to her. Life would be much better then, eh? See, Jesus Christ is the answer to all problems.
@@AkairoKaminari Not really, no. I am quite sure that it says in the Bible that you shouldn’t beat or mistreat your wife. In the New Testament that is.
As a guy who is 25 and has never been in a relationship it is interesting to listen to, as you have sum up a lot of the reasons why I've been single. Over time I have really started to see a lot of toxic traits in peoples relationships, for example: - Being with someone solely because they are to scared to be alone and momentum means they are trapped, married with 3 kids and a mortgage. - Abandoning close friends to be with their partner and realising they are lonely in the relationship years later. - Sacrificing dreams and goals to be with someone. - Serial monogamy and all the drama involved with that. Being single has allowed me to spend more time on friendships and meant that I haven't had to sacrifice things along the way. I constantly get told by people that I look like I'm having so much fun and that they wish they could be like me, the truth is that they can. That being said it isn't totally perfect, I do feel like I'm 'just me' sometimes and I do want kids in the future which pretty much requires a relationship.
I understand what you're saying & I agree with it. Me being a man the same age as you, I feel that it is slightly selfish when I compare myself to my parents & grandparents, heck my grandparents moved from Jamaica in the 1950s to the UK to make a new life, full of opportunities for their kids & grandkids like myself. I would say that living as a single person limits us significantly financially in this current era we're in with high inflation & prices so that it's extremely expensive to move out from home & it's a struggle or only a dream to think of owning your own house or even renting alone. My dad brought his first house for £9k in the early 80s life happened so unfortunately he's not doing the best financially now but I feel like what I am now to what he was is world's apart. I want kids but I'm single & tbh I don't want to openly go into becoming a single parent through adoption & obviously nor would I want to become one through divorce / separation from the mother of my children one day (there's enough broken families in the world & I don't want to add to that statistic) I think it's important that even we men have a biological body clock, sure it doesn't work the same as women but I think everyone should see it as do they want to have a child that once they turn 18 you're already elderly, retired (not early). I want children but I don't want them to see me as old & grey before they reach their 25th birthday & plus I want to see them have kids & so on so I can potentially meet my great grandchildren. My grandma died a few years ago & she reached the age of 94, grew up in Jamaica, worked as a nurse in the UK, birthed 9 children & had a divorce from my grandad. So from that I'm sure you can tell that I want to at least live a long life, have a family (probably not as big 😂), own a home & have achievements. We can only hope, pray & do our individual bit to make our way & make the most of our lives that were gifted to us.
21, woman, currently in medschool. My first and last relationship was at 15. Since then I haven't even kissed. My first relationship was very good the first couple months, yet, my partner was insecure in his looks as he was much uglier than I was and found fault in everything due to his insecurities, trying to hold me down so I wouldn't look for someone elses ir some similar bulshit. He tried to make me believe I had no value. Once we had the fallout he made swear I would never, ever, date anyone who was "Lesser than him". He sit down and told not to date or marry down (in looks, inteligence, afluence, kindness, all) otherwise I would be miserable. I am not sure this is true, but I never felt the need for a second relationship before, just starting to think about It now. I want kids, possibly love, for my life, but there is too much drama. I just want those first few months of slow romance in a lifetime (I was not dead on in love from the started, but he asked me to consider and I thought he was a good guy, this I decided to try to love him and I did. Slow non, caring love.)
Wait for the next 10+ years, it will devolve then. Your friends with children will have a lot less time to keep friends around and be good parents at the same time even if they wanted to. Your friends still single but who do want a family and children will become more desperate and bitter - wait it out 10 more years and after 45 they'll get over it, but in the meantime they won't really be as enjoyable people hanging around as they used to be. Even though for women the biological imperative is stronger and stronger in their mid to late 30s, they are also nota very fun time to be around them, supporting them through several attempts at getting pregnant, possible miscarriages (...) but for men when the realisation kicks in, it's mostlty a bit too late already. Then, having kids and founding a family after your 40s when you've not really had experienced what it takes keeping a relationship going will make things much harder,sleppless nights are better when you're younger. Money can help with that of course. Anyhow, enjoy your life, mid 20s are awesome, so are the early 30s as a single ;)
Gotta love witnessing a society that others asexual people and calls us broken and mentally ill will also praise voluntary celibacy as morally good. /s
@condottiero7 They're not but I can see where the confusion comes from The difference is that voluntary celibates are a choice and asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction, one can still sleep around and still be ace And yes sadly society is very obsessed with sex
@@Constantin_91 There is a difference in being sexually attracted to people and CHOOSING not to have sex and lacking sexual attraction. Ace people have little to no sexual attraction, which has caused us to conflict with a very sex obsessed society. Asexuality has been listed as a mental disorder in the past and is a common orientation that is targeted to be "fixed" by modern day conversion therapy. I have had a medical "professionl" tell me that I am not asexual, and that there must be a medical reason for why I am "lacking libido." Joke is on her libido has nothing to do with asexuality, all asexual people are different but the commen factor is the lack of sexual attraction to others. Asexual awareness and understanding is very minimal because we are only about 1 percent of the population. Asexuals have been acknowledged in the field of sexology since the 1890s, but it is easier for people to shove us under the rug than acknowledge our existance.
Something I’ve come to really appreciate in particular about your videos is how you introduce ideas from untranslated French works to the anglophone world
I recently read Loveless by Alice Oseman (also author of Heartstopper) about a student who expects a "happily ever after" romance realising and trying to come to terms with her aromantic asexuality and I would highly highly recommend it for everyone to read! It really made me think about my own friendships and how much I should value them, I think maybe we all need more "big gestures of platonic love" not just romantic!
Hey, I read this comment around a month ago and now I just finished the book (I didn't read straight away, I put it on my list and started it this week when i finished my other books), so I just wanted to come here and thank you for the recommendation. It was a fun and insightful read (although Georgia was insufferable, overly dramatic and very self-centered at times).
My husband and I have split custody of my little brother with my grandma, so every other week we take turns caring for him. Sometimes I feel bad he has such an unconventional looking home life because I don’t want him to feel ostracized, but I also feel very happy and proud at how many people love him and how much support he has. Family units that are big supportive networks might not be what we are used to these days but they definitely aren’t a bad thing
Why is the grandmother (and not the grandfathers, never them) being required to take care of another child when she already cared for her own children? She should have the right to enjoy her life and grandkids too fir sure but without the responsibility of custody. This only perpetuates the exploitation of women as caregivers and romanticizes the unpaid domestic and care labor done primarily for women for the rest of their lives…
@@Vnm2207 if the grandma volunteered, your claim loses any power. Besides, if we are to create a new concept of family that are about "networking" instead of blood, why deny space to the elderly? They are people too!
Single mother at 18, my family - not only my parents - helped me so much and with so much love, my neighbour helped me (and I helped her) on a daily basis, even with my studies, our daughters grew up like sisters and I managed to successfully finish school, then I got 2 degrees, 1 PhD, a second master degree and I have a successfull career, an amazing almost 17 years old daughter and an amazing life full of amazing people. We all worked together and each of my successes is theirs too and viceversa. I'm proud of my group of people and I'm proud of them every time I'm proud of myself. During all those years celibacy has never been a problem to me, it was not for my family and friends. Now I'm in a 3-years long distance relationship and I have no intention to move or live together with him, even in the case a baby comes.
I can verify that the pressure to maintain the relationship is strong enough to keep men in bad and abusive relationships often too. Growing up religious I was always told how marriage was for life and the only reason for failure was that "people these days just give up". One of my biggest frustrations with relationships in literature and other media is the inability to have close friendships either between members of the same sex or even the opposite sex without assuming there's sexual components. I appreciate your clear-eyed assessment as always.
Marriage being for life isn't a bad idea nor is it a hard thing to achieve, even the failure of achieving it doesn't mean the model is false. It's basic science that we as humans are family oriented species.
😢 yeah, so in college I knew a man who had been slashed by his ex girlfriend ✋💀 it was only, when she did that to him and his car did he see what was happening because he is a big guy and she is small. Poor guy. Its tough, people sometimes laugh at him when, she literally could have killed him and he will always have a slash mark from neck to hip
@@cazwalt9013 we are community oriented, and nothing baout human behavior is "basic science", and almost nothing we do is purely programmed biologically. we are a species hugely influenced by societal norms, ask any actual biologist or behavioralist.
I was single for years and rarely ever went out on dates. It was mostly due to some sort of social fatigue? I just couldn't get excited about meeting a stranger and swiping on dating apps just became so grim to me. I'm actually really thankful for that time alone because it really let me find myself and stop living for others. There were days where it was really hard, and there were a lot of times where I questioned if something was wrong with me, so I don't think this should be something to romanticize, but it also shouldn't be something to fear or feel bad about. I'm in a relationship now, and it isn't often that I wish I was single again, but I have a really great guy who agrees with most of my values. He's not perfect, but what he does that a lot of other men refuse to do is actually *listen*. We can talk about feminist issues and he tries to understand. We split chores and cook together or for each other and he truly feels like a partner. I don't say any of this to brag, but if you are a hopeless romantic reading this, you're not doomed and you don't have to settle for something that doesn't make you feel blessed. That being said, I still don't know if we'll have children, even though I'm confident he'll do his best to make it as equal as possible, because this world (or the US?) just doesn't make it easy or seem enjoyable to have kids, which is really sad to me. Why can't we have more discussions on how to actually make raising a family more enjoyable instead of shaming the people who confess that they don't actually like being parents?
so happy to hear that! i am currently in the phase of the life that you described in the beginning of the comment, had basically the same observations. i wish you all the best :)
@@nikolavojnovic6552 nope, he pays more because 1. He makes more money and 2. Even if we did earn equal amounts, I’d still have more social expenses (women spend on avg $300k more in their lifetime just for grooming/keeping up appearances and we spend 2 weeks per year more on grooming), so we’ve agreed that unless I’m actually making more than him, I shouldn’t have to go 50/50.
“Social fatigue” is such a good way to put it. I’m in my early 30s and I just have never been able to get excited about casual dating. And I don’t say that to act superior to anyone, I just personally find it to be draining and not enjoyable. I do really want to have a partner one day, but I just kinda reject the notion that I have to go out with a bunch of people who I’m really not into just to be SURE one of them isn’t The One (“gotta kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince”). Idk, I’ve built a really good life for myself on my own and as much as I want a partner to share it with, I feel like there’s got to be a better way than the current dating scripts offered to us.
Here’s my family horror story about purity culture, family structure, and “sticking it out for love”. TW for fundamentalism, abuse, mental illnesses and SA. My second cousin grew up very VERY conservative and fundamentalist. She met her ex-husband in college and we were frankly thrilled. He seemed charming and fun and a great fit for her. She had already broken a family norm by deciding she didn’t want kids after seeing what happens to her mom (tldr her mom had a ton of kids and miscarriages and died young bc of it) and it seemed her new husband was on board and overall it all seemed good. Shit hit the fan a year or so later when he was arrested for some horrific horrific crimes and was sent to jail for 6 months. His sentence was so short due to her family hiding certain aspects of said crime to protect him and bc he would be at high risk of injury or death if he was sent to a prison. She then spent those 6 months being told by her community and church that her job was to love and support him through this process and that leaving was not an option. She also had to work multiple jobs to keep him comfortable in jail and a roof over her head. Once he got out, it only got worse, eventually she found the bravery to leave him after an incident of physical abuse. Unfortunately she found out she was pregnant two weeks after leaving (it’s kinda expected he sabotaged the bc in order to keep her with him). Due to the way she was raised, her beliefs and the threat of being cut off from her family, she continued her pregnancy and went back to him. Her family stressed how it was unacceptable for her to leave and that divorce was not an option. I also suspect her grandfather paid for their housing if she stayed with him since her (ex) husband couldn’t find work with his record. Eventually they had to move in with the family and he moved on to preying on another family member. Then, and ONLY then, was she essentially given family permission to divorce him. She is obviously severely traumatized and last time I saw her she was dealing with audio hallucinations. This is obviously a worst case scenario but it really shows how all of the elements mentioned (purity culture, misogyny, societal expectations, etc.) can ruin lives when taken to an extreme.
Sad story, but that's not really the norm, more like an outliner. And the problems I see are: 1. She jumped into a marriage without really knowing the guy; 2. She didn't divorce him when she found out he was a bad apple; 3. She didn't make an abortion, but is instead carrying the seed of an abusive criminal. I wouldn't say that's the result of her conservative outlook. Divorce was legal even during the most conservative times in history, exactly to avoid these situations. Seems to me, she wasn't given good advice by her friends and relatives.
@@kokokokow1760 how the hell did you read that and decide "the girl that was brainwashed by purity culture and traditonalism to be the perfect "woman" and was taught from a very young age to do all the things you blame her for is definetly at fault"
@polin I don't blame her. I blame the psycho she was dating and her relatives for giving bad advice. Blaming the whole ideology like you do is wrong though. Because it worked well for most families. Whatever ideology we have now seems to not be working as well, because a much larger percent of people are not in relationships. It seems like promiscuity is not working well for the society at large.
Simone de Beauvoir's views on family is a product of her upbringing - An happy few grown up in a strict catholic life. It's important to remind this to people to understand how she came to her conclusions.
Dissident feminist Camille Paglia - one of the longest and strongest defenders men and pro-men’s movement - pointed out that most second wave feminist ideologues had f*cked up relationships with their fathers
I am demisexual so celibacy has always been part of my life due to my lack of interest in the matter. However, the reason why I have not tried to date anyone ever and could be considered a ‘voluntary celibate’ is because I know how society views asexuals. We are kind of thought of as ‘nuisances’ and a ‘problem to be solved’ because we do not want sex. In the West, sex is strongly attached to relationships as if a monogamous relationship cannot happen without sex. I know that dating for me will be super hard because of all the guilt tripping and misunderstanding so I just don’t bother (doesn’t help that I am a straight woman, can you imagine explaining to a straight man that you don’t like sex much?)
My husband is demi too, so I know where you're coming from. The Western ideal of monogamous couples having sex often hit both of our anxieties about being "enough".
I thought demisexuality is just the "default" sexuality of a woman. I am demi and my mom is too. I am repulsed by sex and male body, to be honest, but mom says that I'd inevitably want it once I am deeply in love. I'd like to believe her, but find it hard.
@@Sasha-zw9ss Please don’t listen to your mom saying that wanting sex is “inevitable.” This is not a healthy way of thinking and just reiterates the norm that everyone wants sex. You have your own body and mind-your attraction is unique to you and does not follow some inevitably. If your repulsion goes away, good for you! But if it doesn’t, also good for you! What matters is that you do what makes you feel comfortable
Every year when I see my father I hear same shit - "you have a job, own place, time to get a wife, have kids, all women will love guy like you... " This boomer mentality, is so annoying. I answer this always the same - " you have no idea how comfortable my life is"
Well maybe you should try to understand the reason why your father tells you that. Who is going to inherit your property if you don't have children? WIll you sell it? To whom? Who do you trust? Tell him that you don't want to have a family, explain it to him and then ask him why is he telling you that. Have a conversation, instead of blaming boomer mentality.
Have you tried to ignore him? Or just say something like "yeah" or some cold a** response? When my father starts to get phobic me and my siblings just sigh as loud as we can and just ignore him until he drops the subject lol
I'm a childfree woman because I believe this is a healthy and fulfilling path for me. However, I also think being in a stable, healthy relationships is a great thing for every human being, based on our universal psychological needs. In a good relationship, our needs for safety, intimacy and belonging are fulfilled. It has good physical and mental influence on us. Problem is, most people are shit and so very few will ever find a wonderful lifelong partner. Or even just a decent partner. It is a privilege for very small amount of us and so, celibacy might be a wise choice for some.
Both marriage rates and birth rates are in decline. 57% of single adults aren't even looking to date. We are definitely looking at a decline in population, some people are happy about it/some aren't.
@@sabsain2399 Good is relative. What metrics are you hoping to compare against? It's good for workers wages, it's good for the biosphere. It is HORRIBLE for our economy, retirement and logistics chain, assuming AI doesn't take all the jobs.
@@jjoohhhnn 🤓 The spread of AI technology =/= patriarchal and misogynistic ideals and beliefs perpetuated and propagated for centuries and told to be the perfect code of conduct for men and women. It's fine, you don't need to admit anything. I'm beyond arguing with people that try and deny the harm patriarchal and sexist tradtional beliefs bring.
Makes sense. As we shift closer to a consumer society who purchase goods for use, and shop around for the best deals on our terms, we are probably aware that this is either unrealistic or unfair to inflict on another human. I am not a napkin, and neither are you. Like a castaway lost at sea for years will need to retrain their social skills, so do we as a society - to refocus back to a communal model of mutuality in giving. We need time to interface, read each other, and develop better output collaboratively. Ask less of each other but reach for more. If nothing else, it will be the communal people who will survive the climate crisis. It's not something we can do alone, behind the walls that working to uphold capitalism bought us.
15:30, It never ceases to amaze me that when people of a country take an effort to grow their community by offering support within a community to offer services and support to the community members, it's attacked by the right, by the government. Yet when we demand that the government take the effort to do more it falls on deaf ears and empty hands.
I believe it has to do with the State's power and authority being identified by it's monopoly over certain things, like the legitimate use of violence. To an extent, it's logical that government couldn't care less about it's citizens level of well-being, but will quickly react to people working from outside the system to address these issues, treating their actions as a challenge and a potential threat. Oh, let's not forget: ideological/political affinity may have lots to do. Would this have happened if the school was run by, for example, a religious order of the church?
I like to see myself as someone who values romance and intimacy, even in casual relationships, so a trend like this makes me feel quite sad and a little isolated. Ive drifted into queer and non-traditional spaces for dating and s*x partly cause i feel the norm is quite toxic. Online dating makes me feel like im buying a product rather than meeting a person and so many people around my age (25) have had such negative early experiences that its hard for them to put themselves out there. Not to mention there is so little time with work etc.
I've also shifted toward a queer perspective, but it's taking a long time to work through decades of self-hatred, so I'm still unable to date or have physical intimacy. Could also be a neurodiversity issue that I won't "recover from". I'm starting to think about looking into the k*nk community, because supposedly they allow people to express weird special needs, like having awkward, inflexible, idiosyncratic rules and hangups about s*x. It sucks, and I wish I could just "lighten up" about it, or suppress my dang libido, but that just isn't happening. Can't keep hating and isolating myself, first for failing to be a normal hetero, and now also failing to be a normal queer. 😕
It's a inevitable trend, as we continue to keep making sociopathic relationship patterns culturally acceptable. If you are a serial monogamist, exactly that is partly what causes this trend. It used to be that people would want to have committed long term relationships, but now they want meaningless short flings because they feel like they have a lot of time and options. (which is not the case for neither men nor woman, but especially not for woman)
I think what makes it even harder for women to leave abusive relationships (also for men but men often do not have to give up as much of their career) is the lack of social housing. Here in the Netherlands divorced women are often unable to find housing and end up in homeless shelters. I think the societal acceptance of divorce is increasing while the economic conditions are worsening. I think housing needs to be deprivatised so people can leave their partner if they are unhappy together without facing financial ruin.
Agreed. BASIC housing, we should offer basic essentials for food, shelter, cleaning, food, medicine and education. And by basic, I do mean pretty basic. Heated and cooled, obviously, but without a personal bathroom (shared bathroom instead). And maybe 26x8x7, I think we should use shipping containers to build quick, cheap housing for people. That way, people can "boycott" the housing market to bring prices down. They can go on strike without union backing. They can start a business from 0 dollars because they have 0 overhead for themselves. UBN FTW! Remove the markets ability to extort.
Take away alimony and child support, live on your own income, 50/50 custody should be the norm no more automatic custody to women just because they birth the child.
I’m a guy in their mid twenties and am currently in the longest period being single since high school. I’ve definitely felt the pressure from peers and family members of the question of “are you dating her?” whenever they see me spending time with a close female friend. I don’t get asked the same question with my best guy friend, yet I have experienced a new found intimacy and closeness with these two people as friends that I have never found in a partner. I look up to them as role models and as moral compasses over as people I seek pleasure or social status for. I’ve found out more about myself bouncing around questions with them and this video speaks to me on many different levels. I feel like friendship and companionship is often downplayed or ignored over traditional relationships due to the fact that most friendships tend to pose harder moral challenges and self reflection situations. What do you all think?
I'm also a guy, nearing my mid twenties, I only had one relationship with 22 that lasted about a month, most of my life I never really had many or any friends and I was raised by a single mom and we don't have any family here. For me any kind of relationship is important, but my goal was always a relationship (gf). My mom was too open I would say and even though I told her I was straight, she would ask me sometimes if I was dating a friend the few times I had one (male or female), which honestly with almost all female friends I had I was interested in more, but they were not. Since for me a relationship is the goal (and the month I had one, was the happiest time of my life) I thought a lot about what is needed to achieve that goal. And I came to the concluson, that I need a relativly close friendgroup or at least some friends, to balance out the relationship and retain more indipendence and have it as a base and my own life kinda. I think it would be smart to already be in a kinda good position when trying to date someone/find a girl and increase the chances of her being interested. That's also the reason why I started to go to therapy since I know I had a lot of repressed Trauma and depression and to get a stable relationship I need to fix those issues, I already worked through a lot of trauma and I think also kinda overcome my depression, now I am working on my economic situation, since I also need to live on my own to be able to have a relationship and I also know what career I want to pursue and I started working, to earn money, to be able to afford studying that. For me the motivation for most of that is the goal of a relationship, indirectly it's 100%. Since I know that I need other motivators than getting a relationship to get a relationship, so also with the help of therapy like I said found something I want to study independetly from a relationship, also I work out, to be healthy and in shape, on one hand, because it just feels good afterwards on the other, because I need to be in good shape to increase my chances. Sorry this kinda turned of topic
Totally agree that friendship and companionship are so unfairly downplayed compared to romantic/sexual relationships! I’ve never understood this. To me, friendship is the most valuable kind of relationship you can have outside of the relationship with yourself. Real friends will challenge you and inspire you without the dependency and expectations of romantic, or even familial relationships. I think it’s ideal to have a strong foundation of friendship with anyone you care about, ESPECIALLY a romantic partner. Never understood people who don’t like hanging out with their bf/gf/spouse???? Like, what is the point then??? I say all this as I’m currently struggling to make new adult friends as a woman at the end of my 20s.🥲 I’m dying to find a community of like minded folks but it’s rough out here. Going to keep trying nonetheless.
I watched a lot of my friends get married and then divorced, over nothing. If you're not planning to have children, then save your money, and take periodic trips to more female/male friendly countries, like in SE Asia.
Hit the nail right on the head. Never been interested on romance since my wee childhood days. Modern dating is bureocratic hellscape, a bunch of terms of service forcefully shoved down my throat. The only relationships that had fulfilled me were all platonic. I heavily value privacy and i need my own space but for many, having a partner automatically overtunes that. Romance is more interesting as a literary tool to explore character dynamics. But in real life? So much investment for half the pay.
I think most of us here would not say no to a romantic relationship if it also contained the elements you stated. But it is hard to find both a romantic partner and a close friend in one person. So you are forced to choose most of the time.
I had never heard about relationship anarchy before, but I've been thinking a lot about the topic of friendships recently. I've seen literal dozens of people (online and IRL) complaining about loneliness, particularly when it comes to friendships, but unwilling to question the role of the nuclear family even a little, hoping that if they wait/try enough, they will find their happy ending, and also unwilling to invest time in their friendships because they are already spent - overworked and by their obligations to their families and relatives (that come first). I'm Latina and my country prohibits abortion, and it's also an extreme cultural taboo. I don't circulate in liberal/intelligentsia circles due to my location and career, and it's so extreme I can't even advocate it without suffering repercussions. But I'm seeing a lot of women giving up relationships with men due to being disappointed in sex and love and also because ''the child's real parent is only the mother'', a phrase I hear frequently due to solo mothers being forced to raise kids and be the breadwinner of their homes, alone. Since abortion isn't possible, they are choosing not to be with men in the first place (even if they aren't the majority, by any means, I found it interesting when I first saw it). I also can attest to non-nuclear families in my culture, especially in the working class. It's not uncommon to see relatives, especially grandmothers, helping to raise their grandchildren. But Latino cultures also tend to value ''blood'' A LOT and it's very hierarchical when it comes to parents, so there's also a lot of generational trauma and abuse happening in these dynamics as well, in a lot of cases.
Extended families are the true way to go IMO. The idea of a nuclear family is frankly modern white American garbage. True “family values” extends to all your family, including your family’s family and close friends who were unofficially adopted as family. That’s how it was when our ancestors lived. It’s how single/childless people were able to exist and be cared for in a community even though parents/young children were naturally prioritized. We need to go back to those ways. It isn’t perfect but it’s certainly better than the hyper individualism we have.
@@johannesalexandrius5749 That's interesting! I based my comment mostly on my empiric experiences in Brazil, but a lot of people mention similarities between the cultures of these two countries.
Yeah I noticed that too that’s why I refused to date my own race bc of this. I’m adopted so I don’t get indoctrined with this. I can’t stand overaly controlling mother in laws so I know for sure I would fight her tool and nail bc I’m quite violent myself lol im glad my now mother I. Law couldn’t speak English well but she definitely wish I did more tho back then I was an depressed workaholic that even when she told me this I complained to my husband and he agreed and she stopped lol
@@shironerisilk the Philippines ain't called the "Latin nation of Asia" for not a reason. Been colonized by Spain for 333 years, it makes no wonder Filipinos share many similar culture with many Latin American countries
I think many of us have grown up seeing everything bad in family life and marriage that we are drained or even traumatised from it all. Even watching films and music videos that portray happily ever ending romance, we know that it hardly ever happens in real life.
It always bothers me that nearly every "empowering" post/community/philosophy relating to men being willingly single/celibate has to have the stink of "that'll teach them women to not date us" all over it. MGTOW was a nice idea, in theory (in terms of telling men it's okay if you're not successful with women, to not let it eat away at your soul, and to live your best life anyway) but we all know what kinds of people that attracts. I suppose that's due to the "going their own way" implying "we're walking away as a sign of protest". It's even worse when they try and call it "stoicism".
Not every man wanting to live celibate lives are "protesting women". And those "protesting women" still watch porn or buy prostitutes. Celibacy is good when the world is as overpopulated as it is.
"Red Pill Rage" is a phase in which all men follow the path that you comment on experience. It's true that all the men who delve into mgtow/Redpill/etc, come into it with a chip on their shoulder, they are bitter, angry even, but is that not justified? These were generally the guys that weren't the stereotypical chad that were told by everyone they looked up to "jUsT B urSElf" to get gurlz and found that was a blatant lie. People don't like to be lied to generally, especially if it sets them up for failure in an arena as monumental as relationships. There's more to it than the tired old mainstream attitude of "Ugh, they're just loser incels, they should just go die in a hole somewhere." And if a man can be a woman (& vice versa) if they say they are, who are you to judge that these men call their way of life stoicism? Don't be a bigot.
Yeah, for years we were hearing from women how there aren't any financially viable men around and how they didn't need a man and were ready to settle down. This was way before Kevin Samuels. Turns out when men try to play by the rules feminists set dating doesn't work at all and most women end up being used for sex non-stop. I was getting called an incel on Reddit for trying to talk about it but the truth is I've been on tons of dates with attractive women, I'm just looking to have sex with someone I enjoy being around after sex.
You're totally right. They never went "their way". I'm a young man, I've come to known a few of these people and everyone of them were very, very, very interested in what the ones on that "other road" were doing, thinking and loving. It is in fact more of a way to hold a grudge rather than an opportunity to study patriarchy, feminism and themselves. And I feel so sorry. Let alone the fact that they are obsessed with "bashing feminism" that "ruined women", in a glorious attempt to successfully show the world how they're not acting out of resentment, fear and toxic pressures. There'd be so much to say
I thought MGTOW was an interesting concept when I first heard about it, but I soon came to realize that it was just misogyny with a fresh coat of paint. Personally, I think everyone should choose their own path in life, regardless of what society says, not out of spite, but because it's the right path for them.
Celibacy isn’t a form of conservatism for me, but I totally get how it can be branded as such. I chose this lifestyle after experimenting with monogamous, polyamorous relationships and being single and actively having casual sex. I don’t believe in casual sex, it’s emotionally draining 99% of the time since the dating scene is so shitty. Celibacy is a form of boundary for myself and other. It’s a space for you to develop relationships without sex as the focus. You learn so much from yourself + society + relationships and it really gives you an insight of what is it that you’re looking for. It’s a preservation of your energy = mental and emotional energy, not everyone deserves that intimacy and today’s society has made it the norm to have sex in way that sometimes people don’t see you as a whole person but just a way to get off that day.
Regardless of people or the dating scene being shitty or not, casual sex is disrespectful masturbation. Just do it alone, don't pretend the other person exists.
I remember one of new coworkers, they and their partners are forming a dual living partnership with their friend and their partner. Both are seperate relationships but forming a loving community together. Ppl don't have to follow traditional norms but we're not bashing it either.
What does she mean by deconstruct the system and it's outdated and unhelpful, if not to bash traditional relationships? And questioning if choice feminism is OK? It seems like while YOU may be fine with consenting, mutually respectful trad relationships, Alice doesn't share this view, unfortunately.
I think the problem with critiquing "traditional" relationships, is that the last 30-50 years of "traditional marriage" were not traditional at all. Rather, they were the product of the Baby Boomers and (to a lesser extent) Gen-x's very recent and modern culture. Real traditional relationships (those which find their value in what has stood the test of time, rather than social experiments of the 20th century) are not at all that which most of our parents and grandparents had. They were often the ones who "rebelled" against the traditions they inherited or simply went along with a watered down version and egoistic of said tradition. I am, God willing, getting married in 10 days. And most if not all of our family members "traditional" and modern recommended against the notion for some vague sense of the constraining of liberty or modern "folk" knowledge along the lines of "yo haven't been enough dumb and young yet." Most of these aforementioned adults having a history of toxic relationships and divorce which (most of us young people) are accustomed to -- its unsurprising that many of us choose to go to the other extreme and look "to the future" for relationship advice. However this future in the form of modern social theory and post-modern writers (as my partner and I couldn't help but see) is exactly what went wrong with the Boomers and the Gen-x-ers. There was no mutual self-sacrifice, no shared beliefs, no reason other than companionship to be together. Today's "traditional" relationships are anything but. Their a product of late-capitalism and consumerist notions of the family as a vague material and political entity devoid of any spiritual value. Monogamy although being "a vague goal" is routinely broken because the foundation and logic behind it was lost in modernity, and thus is tamer version of today's ever growing polygamic tendencies (be it with overt polygamous relationships, serial dating or the growing casualness of physical intimacy). And the "family" is just a thing people do, there are no deeper beliefs on the value of a structured, secure and ordered private life that encourages mutual growth. As far as I can tell, if this is true (that is that traditional relationships are really modern), then real resistance is not to follow their example and participate in the logical extremes of the liberality of the last two generations, but rather to go back and seek where and why they failed, and seek what can we do that others in the past have done that could helps us build more fulfilling relationships.
Very interesting! How would you describe that a real "traditional" relationship is like? If our pre conceived notion of "traditional" is based on baby boomers' cultural constructions, then what is actually a relationship?
I have to agree I only know maybe a few examples of what a true mutual marriage is. Many of my friends and people I’ve met throughout my life had horrible family dynamics and divorce after divorce-how can we expect any future generation to uphold a “traditional” marriage if most people never saw it actually work lol
I get the impression that at least part of what worked for past families was that they were more inclusive with the concept. Instead of a nuclear family, they included grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, neighbors, and/or friends, etc.
"deeper beliefs on the value of a structured, secure and ordered private life that encourages mutual growth." isnt that exactly modernised idea of family? i mean, technically speaking, if you marry someone bcs you love them - you are already past traditional family. If your family is kept together by things like mutual respect, growth e.t.c. and not by societal pressure - you are already past traditional family.
This was a really interesting read and I think I agree, the marriages (including my parents') that succeeded and found themselves happy throughout were founded on the concepts of mutual self sacrifice, and the desire to build something greater for their next generation, along with mutual goals and culture, along with companionship, but that wasn't the only goal. I think if you get married (or commit long term) to someone only for something as variable and (forgive me) self serving as the feeling of companionship alone, I think it prepares a lot of marriages for failure since people change as they grow, and so too does their idea of a person that provides them the feeling of companionship.
my ex girlfriend wanted to get into polyamory. I have no problem with it on paper but I had too many memories of being picked last in gym class to go in for it
As someone heavily on the aromantic spectrum, I sometimes get worried about what future life will look like, once I'm out of college. Will all my friends leave me behind, short of free time with their family lives? Will I be able to afford the life I desire on my own? And what if I slip off the aro spectrum and find myself old, lonely and full of yearning? (ah, you could have some fun dissecting the implications of those questions... the ageism, the economy...) But then I remind myself of a few things: so far, I don't actually have trouble socializing, despite having friends who are already busy, and being astronomically busy myself. Then, I simply trust myself to become whatever I need to be in the future. Having no partner and no children, I will have enough time and money to involve myself in a variety of endeavors, where I will have the diversified social life I dream of. Not to mention, of course, that my personal life is varied, interesting and fulfilling on its own. And lastly, if I do find my romantic orientation to shift, well, come on. Surely I won't be the only hot xILF in town. I'll organize a polycule with all the sexy divorcees. (you're all invited)
I hope that works out for you friend. If you have the energy, put extra effort into maintaining those friendships you care about once you leave college, it's super easy to lose touch once the outside world kicks in.
No she didn't, she claims that capitalism is the reason why the nuclear family was so dominant in recent times, and was pushed in colonies. Rather, it was primarily a consequence of the influence of Christianity. The evidence is that, now that christianism is less influent in western culture, but capitalism has never been as dominant as it is now, we observe a diminishing significance of the nuclear family in Western culture. In fact, capitalism might be doing the exact opposite, with its emphasis on individual success and financial gain, it tends to prioritize careers , which mean more money flowing from hands to hands, instead of the traditional concept of the nuclear family, which centers on strong family bonds and financial stability, with less emphasis on extreme consumerism. It is important to recognize that this analysis by Alice seeks to establish a connection between the nuclear family and capitalism,, to make sure that both are seen as evil, because capitalism is seen as the main evil in this particular bubble of the internet, so to consider that advancements in the radical feminist agenda could have been accomplished thanks to capitalism would be inconsistent with the rest of the analysis. But again, remember that feminism has never been as influent as it is now, somehow at the exact same period as this ultra dominant capitalism. It wasn't as influent in most communist/socialist regime, especially not in its current confrontational form. Both capitalism and the modern form of confrontational feminism push a very extreme individualism, so it's absolutely normal that they move side by side.
@@ledernierutopiste feminism pushes the rights and choices of women and that choices are often women not wanting husband and kids. this is not form of very extreme individualism.
@@ledernierutopiste without capitalism, feminism would still exist, it does not move side to side. nuclear family does not centred around strong family bonds, it centers around being dependent on the husband and lack of financial stability for the wife. feminism allows real financial stability in which the money is earned and belongs to the ladies
What research lmao? She was talking about the “demonization,” of single mothers, when in actuality they’re criticized not inherently because they must conform to the nuclear family , but because single mother homes create children who are more likely to end up dropping out of high school, who are more likely to be involved in crime, who are more likely to be school shooters, and who are so overrepresented in jail that most people in jail come from single mother homes.
@@mebeb6399 Radical feminists pushes for women to be able to do any choice, even things that are contradictory. There is very few ideologies out there that would both defend pornstar and the islamic veil at the same time. An ideology that validate every choice of a human being is by definition extremely individualistic. That's literally the definition of the word.
Alice love your video's so much! This one hit really close to home. Being a single mother of two little kids after a 14 year relationship. I live in Belgium but i'm from Nigerian decent. Living in a predominantly white (and relativly conservative) country people in general do not expect me to be such a leftie. I really am tho. When people hear that I ended a fourtheen year relationship. They ask why? Second question is always was he white ? (Yes but what does it matter 🙄!?) He treated me so badly after I fell ill during the second pregnancy and did not look like his trophy wifey anymore. Was paralyzed on one side of my face. He could not bother with helping out for the care of our two very young children and insulted my looks, my cleaning and my attempts to be happy in a very difficult situation. So two months after the birth of our second child I left! He knew it was very important to me that household chores would be divided somewhat equally and most of all, I wanted to be respected as a person. This was never a big probIem before we had kids! Also told him many times in the years we were together that I would not settle for an unhappy relationship to keep up apperances. Still he was so shocked when I left after all if his mistreament. He was not the only one shocked eather! People would call me crazy. A lot of people, my ex-partner, his side of the family, my side of the family, mutual friends were trying to pressure me in to going back. They're reasoning; what about true love? What about happy ever after? You can't just throw away fourtheen years. He loves you, it is just a fase that he is awfull about your looks and not helping out with his kids. It will pass. Stay for the children and for the family because that is true love!! I knew I couldn't be threated that way without dying inside and giving a bad example for the kids. So I left, have costudy of the children, he sees them sometimes in the weekends. For me leaving, and living a happy peacefull life with the two yound kids is my happy ever after!! Not some fake familypicture where you have to endure abuse just so other people would respect you. Yes it is very hard. I lost a lot, including that network I had being a part of the traditional family. But living in a big city I find support in the kind little acts we do as neighbours and I feel a connection in that way. The kids are also very happy with a happy mim. Sometimes I tell myself with a little grin, (told him this to many times). I was never a big Disneyfan anyways 😋!
I can’t believe ur friends and family made u feel that way!!! That’s horrible and I’m glad u find some form of kindness. Wish I could help ya out would love to have my kids to go oaky with I love helping struggling families when I can since I’ve seen too many of my friends struggle with broken families and I’m not very close to my own due to distance so got to form “community” with those around me
Love this video and topic! I think the isolation our capitalist society has engendered makes us extra vulnerable to romantic ideals marketed to us in media. I'm a late 30s single and somewhere on the ace/aro spectrum. When I'm feeling really connected to my friends I can enjoy a romantic story line as a "oh how sweet, I'm happy for them" - but when I'm feeling disconnected, such stories can get me thinking that my life isn't as full of meaning as most others' .. It's also hard when my not-single friends prioritize their romantic partners and don't have as much time for me. I have to do extra work to stay in touch with them and be prepared for plans to change if their partners need something. That said, I feel fortunate to have friends who will be my emergency contacts and bring me food when I'm sick... I know what it's like to not have that and know that's a reality for many single adults. We really need a societal shift to promote better interconnection and mutual care outside of family relations.
@ontheline3077 Aroace is a shortening for the word 'aromantic asexual' Aromantic means no/little romantic attraction to others Asexual means no/little sexual attraction to others One can be aromantic without being asexual and vice versa Both are also spectrums which means there are aces that have sex and aros that date (Other aros and aces feel free to correct me)
The isolation isn't caused by capitalism. Why do people talk about capitalism like it's some new phenomenon? It's 250 years old. So unless you're arguing that the isolation is 250 years old I'd look elsewhere. Hint: It's social media that's the new thing.
I know this sounds totally off topic, but I had to acknowledge this 😅. It's truly beautiful how Alice is in touch with French literature and knowledge from thought leaders from her culture. I'm inspired to not only look for content or knowledge from only outside my culture but also from within. There's a great benefit to learning from everyone and not just from a restricted group of people.
The conflation of being "single" and being "celibate" is so strange to me. I've seen a number of people claim celibacy while still engaging in hookups and casual physical relationships.
Maybe this comes from her native language french, where célibataire means single. I guess, this meaning stems from the conservstive idea, that sex should only happen in marriage.
My little sister is aroace, I'm just asexual. She's always make me questions about romance since she isn't familiar with the concept, but there has been a lot of time when I didn't know what to respond, such as why we have to prioritize romantic relationships upon friendship or family, why we think we are uncompleted without a romantic partner. This questions have resonate with me, and I'm looking into single life, because I discover that I want to be a mother but I don't care about to have a husband and then have kids, I just want to be a maternal figure, I don't care about the way it comes... Great video, really great.
This resonate with me. The Concept of a soulmate does not sit well with me or ever have. I'm thinking about adoption because I want to a maternal figure as well; to put somthing good into this world and be a positive and loving figure in someone's life. The art of friendships is a wonderfull idea but it seems pple don't value friends at all. The amount of fakeness out here is real and I think it's due to flex culture. most Aroace and ace have been living the single life comfortably but society wants us to feel weird because we are out of the norm; when truly I believe they are the most kind and value positive healthy relationships deeply or that's my experience anyway. Honestly, I see this mvt having a huge impact on the single/celibate by choice community and the incel community. Rates of domestic violence are on the rise and I feel if we reevaluate healthy relationships on friendship and love, that would be more helpful than becoming celibate. There is a such thing as a healthy sex life, healthy family and what not but most confuse these ideas with tv and think the concept are JUST ideas and most can't make it happen when theyre being fed chaotic an unrealistic relationships through social media and tv. We about to be in some wild times lol but I truly hopes it turns out better than what I'm thinking.
You should try teaching or social work. Mothering people without necessarily being a mother myself (I'm also single and I have no plans or intentions of having a partner) is the most emotionally fulfilling thing for me.
It's funny how in any essay on relationships you can find 10-20 people claiming asexual/aromantic Even whole families that are. I'm lol'ing because this shit is so obviously forced and manufactured. Never in history would the sentence "me my sister and brother are aroace, asexual, demi-gender what nots" This crap is totally false consciousness
@@HydeRogen-rs9he Teaching, yes. Social work, no. There's a massive difference between the two. I have had to deal with social workers in a large variety of ways and about 90 to 95 % of them act in extremely horrible ways whenever they can get away with it which is always.
C’est la matrix d’être francophone mais de te regarder parler anglais depuis qq années déjà 😆 Continue tes essais très bien appuyés, commentés et fondés, ça fait du bien à l’âme ❤️
"community becomes the family" - I love that! imagine prioritisation of friendships over romantic relationships. Honestly friendships rule. Lovely video, thank you very much Alice :)) Sending you much love and peace
“Community becomes the family” is actually a big thing to me, because I lived in a nuclear family and essentially never saw my extended relatives. Instead, I grew up with a bunch of other families and kids who became much like extended family to me, whether they be my friends or the kids of my parent’s colleagues. And tbh, I actually feel that encouraging a community to be like a family is healthy for the community, because so many people are friendly towards each other and it just makes the neighborhood safer.
@@D3xterJettster I agree. The skills you work to develop, dedication and work towards your goal or success, for example towards a dream job, are what determines the opportunities of getting closer towards that dream job or success, rather than purely the connection one may have to the employer of that dream job. I mean, that work is essential to support you towards that dream job literally - and should be what supports you to that dream job, rather than a connection to the employer. When I say i liked the concept of community becomes family, I meant I value the basic principles of the community possessing basic qualities of inclusive to all members kindness, respectfulness to every members and support to all members, without unfairly privileging certain members. Thank you for listening, and I wish you great success in the future that is fairly earned by you and your efforts :))
Random observation but... Marriages pre the industrial revolution, often were more *contracts*, "Marry my daughter I give you X you take Y", little room for *relationships* The moment marriages became a "choice" (allowing relationships to form more easily) for the average (or even in some cases wealthy) person, the only thing stopping them from becoming meaningless was the culture surrounding them, "Don't cheat", "No sex outside wedlock", "Don't talk to women", etc. It's sort of like how money's value changes with the available supply. Because if you can just sift through relationships/marriages like garbage until you strike gold, that's all you'll ever do, which doesn't work, you'll never find *the one*, life isn't all sunshine and rainbows (if it was, we'd all be miserable), you work with what you have.
Romance looks differently to everyone, but in America, (generally) its seen as a way to split responsibilities. I know quite a few people who build their relationships out of financial necessity. To those independent single people out there, you have my full respect.
The isolation, alienation, narcissism, pessimism with toxic positivity, rage, confusion, longing, boredom, and bitterness of a screen-addicted population living in late-stage capitalism
I would say relationship anarchy goes deeper than that and rejects the categorizations we make such as "friend" and "lover", instead opting for experiencing each one of our relationships as unique and uniquely valuable. And, of course, it's also a way of seeing individuals as unique and uniquely valuable, which is more inclusive and we badly need that (specially those of us who are currently excluded due to our identities and "unattractive" features such as disability). I was super happy that the video led to relationships anarchy because it is super powerful and essential in our struggle agaisnt patriarchy and capitalism, but very few people ever talk about it!
The other thing I would add as a potential misappropriation of the "single life" concept is reinforcing the individualist mantra present throughout modern capitalism. It does not take a great leap of the imagination to see how "I do not want to engage with toxic dependancy and have my labour exploited under the veil of 'family'" can be corrupted into "I am self-made, wholly independent of society. Any attempts to redistribute my wealth is theft of my labour." If anything, the latter attitude already underpins certain circles of the voluntary celibacy movement. Someone talking about the importance of celibacy to "the grind" is really just saying they do not want a spouce or children acting as a drain on them accumulating wealth.
The nuclear family was not created by capitalism, and existed before it. Overall there was no actuall criticism of modern nuclear families. Monogamy is not boguosie as she suggests, and has existed in countless societies, including primitive ones. It's absurd how she can say that advocating for monogamy and the nuclear family is "not revolutionary" while not showing this supposedly revolutionary way. As if that would be any better. I think she also overestimates how popular the family is today, I don't even know a single young woman who has an interest in having kids. And how is this any less oppressive than working for a private company? I would much rather dedicate myself to another person that I love, than to focus on a boring career. It's absurd to claim that the nuclear family is capitalist, since its the current capitalist system and culture that is destroying it. In the Soviet union they certainly promoted it.
It always annoys me how we think we're taking revolutionary steps (for example celibacy, 'Reinventer L'Amour', sex positivity) when in fact we are just trying to twist what already oppresses us into something freeing or empowering. It does not work that way, we want to keep the aspects of our oppression which we believe we will be punished for if we drop (purity, romance, family, attractiveness to men), to keep us safe. If we dropped all these things we know that we'll be in more danger and more likely to be ostracised from society. Not only that but the aspects we want to keep are the ones that are ingrained in us the deepest and most capitalised on.
The film Close (2022) touches on the idea of societal confusion with closeness by turning a story of young male close friendship into a question of homosexuality, when they were just friends. It's a tragedy that centers around how human life can be collateral, in our need to jump to conclusions and resolve ambiguity with no with little to no evidence to work from.
The reasons are simple, a lot of people were stuck in abusive relationships in past the abusive relationships were normalized which made people harder to leave their partners, now as more people has known the mistakes of people of the past less people is willing to repeat them.
That is my story, my first relationship in my 20s started great until over time it became ugly. She wanted things that I just couldn't give her due to losing my high paying job in the 2008 crash. She became violent at times, lashing out and it didn't take long before I walked out. Haven't had a serious relationship since then and don't plan to, relationships just aren't worth the trouble, sure It would be to have kids but I can live without them.
@@carlpanzram7081 Not everybody wants to be single long term i'm just saying why divorce rate gone up , the higher expectations could also be a factor why it is harder to find a partner not to mention misandry/misogyny that attached itself to feminism and red pill like parasite.
I'm glad you mentionned relationship anarchy, but I feel this topic would benefit from input from the ideas of allonormativity and amatonormativity, two concepts the asexual and aromatic communities (respectively) talk about in depth.
A recent French book (Le couple et l’argent, by Titiou Lecoq) points out that women’s pay disparity begins at home, where girls usually get less pocket money than boys, and are likelier to receive objects than hard cash as presents. Furthermore, they tend to leave home earlier to get away from familial interference and judgement re their personal lives, while young adult men stay longer rent-free at home getting their laundry done and meals cooked, saving money for the future and with little comment on their love life. Anyway, it makes me wonder how much of women’s romantic transport is a hopeful search for an ally in getting out from under the familial thumb... the romance of assisted escape from the restrictive family, which is in fact also a big part of romantic fairy tales.
Young women are much more educated than young men. Women without kids under 30 earn more than men in that category. And now 65%, twice as many men that age are single as women, wonder why.
Lot of food for thought here. The concept of relationship anarchy rings a bell, it makes me think of that periode of emerging adulthood when you see groups of friends where couples are made, unmade, dates, become casual partners ... The myth of the nuclear familly is deeply rooted in our modern societies, but it really is a construction. As it's said : "It takes a village to raise a kid"
Women without a man fall to the left as it as a political spectrum represents the latent freeform chaos and "acceptance" of the female nature. Men without a woman fall to the right as it as a political spectrum represents the latent to desire for power, order and control.
A lot of the points in this video felt closely linked with the feelings of the aspec community (aromantic, asexual, agender) It would be really nice to see a video that links to our perception of love and romance!
every statistics show that they have never been as bad as they are now, there has never been as much single people, never been as much people not interested in relationships
Those collective community centers reminds me of the old saying "it takes a village to raise a child". I think if we can return to that village, we can find greater joy in living. Insular family units wouldn't be spreading their own resources so thin because both parents need full-time or overtime work to survive and the kids have x, y, z activities.
We need to change how we are living in so many ways.. Shareholder capitalism is devouring the world's resources, the world is swimming in the waste left over from the ravages of our socio-economic system, meanwhile people in developed countries are enslaved through debt, the patriarchy rails against women's autonomy as a means of regaining control and forcing population increase to keep feeding the capitalist machine - which requires ever increasing consumption and production in order to remain quasi-stable. Democracy is not possible until actions speak louder than money. I fully believe it takes a village to raise an emotionally healthy child. Look at all the stress and strain in our lives. So much mental illness is caused by childhood trauma that wouldn't have happened but for the environment in which the child is raised. Empathy is key. Kindness. Compassion. A helping nature. A neighbourly attitude. How do we change this culture of apathy, consumerism, misogyny and narcissism?
@@alpacacomentadora413 uh, no it doesn't. Children need to be allowed to express themselves and to separate and individuate - community child rearing would encourage this rather than being an attachment of a toxic parent.
Unrelated to what you said, but there is a second half to that saying. " a child who does not feel warmth from the village, will burn it down to feel that warmth"
gay Australian man here - have been inching into voluntary celibacy for some time now. I find modern dating utterly exhausting and "toxic" for lack of a better word. I'm focussing on me. Maybe someone special will come along, and I do have spontaneous sex from time to time, but I'm not foisting all my conceptions of happiness on "finding true love", nor validation through hookup culture with seems to be a checklist of unrealistic or shallow traits which I am guilty of perpetuating when I participate in it. I'm working on readjusting my expectations that "love cures all", that romantic love is some permanent phenomenon and am beginning to channel my energy into becoming an individual who fills up my own cup of joy with a lot of love to give to my close friends, parents and siblings who I can love unconditionally. There's work to do on overcoming a lot of expectations around "loneliness", but I'm finding increasing equanimity in it every day, and the foundations I build now will carry me to my final days. I have best friends, a mix of straight and queer men and women, who I love incredibly deeply and give me the kind of emotional intimacy that fulfils me. Some of them share a similar mindset to me, others among them who I see struggle with dating and loneliness and whom I impart some of my perspectives with. They are so worked up about finding a partner to get married to and have children with and when that's not happening, it leads to a profound sadness within them. Either way, I'm always there for them and they are always there for me (within reason of course) and that's all I need.
My favorite video essay by you thus far. I've often thought about how destructive amatanormativity - which I find is what you were speaking to in this video - is a construct that destabilizes connections across our communities, both immediate and extended. RA appealed to me precisely as a philosophy of how I frame and would like to move through the world. I learned a lot today and will absolutely be checking out the references and books on here. Some of these have been on my list for some time, Le Deuxieme Sexe, Reinventer L'amour, and All About Love but it's about time I go and buy some copies. I also think rejecting these notions of the nuclear family is a practice in resistance of capitalist growth by not participating in the systems that uphold unsustainable systems for our mental, social, and environmental wellbeing(eg larger implications to labor force,GDP, and engaging in consumerism by participating in amatanormativity). This is an incredibly well research video and I want to express thanks for packing in so much into such little time.
November 2019 I ended a relationship that I considered the “last straw”. I forced myself to stop dating and go celibate for 2 years. Probably one of the best decisions I’ve made. Now I’m picky about who I give my time to and I don’t compromise on my values. No more ignoring red flags and trying to change people. Spend some time alone people, like really alone. Really take the time to figure yourself out while you’re alone too. Whether you believe it or not you are at fault for your shitty relationship experiences too.
Right off the bat, I related to the "child regret" section, through the eyes of people I know. It makes me sad when I see friends of mine settle down and have kids - and then realize that it wasn't for them after it was too late to do anything about it. I've noticed that it comes from pressure from the parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles constantly asking the mother-to-be "when are you going to have kids?" (As you can guess from my last name, I come from a BIG family lol).
@@branthlysauveur359 which one? I don’t know many people who openly say if they could take back their kid they would and if they do they’re generally called self absorbed assholes rightly so.
I was so happy to see you've mentioned Geoffroy de Lagasnerie! I actually found out about him from an article about his friendship with Edouard and Didier, that Edouard wrote, it really moved me at the time. PS your videos are great, thank you for all the research and work you do 🌱
I don’t think the argument for celibacy from a spiritual lens is always about purity. Lots of people will talk about how sex is an energetic exchange. If someone doesn’t have “positive energy” so to speak, or if you are giving your energy to them through this exchange and they are giving back, “toxic” energy, the exchange will end up feeling bad for you. Which is why I think lots of people find hook up culture to be exhausting, draining, lonely, etc. feeling emptier after the exchange than they were before. Because you’ve given your energy and you’ve gotten nothing or worse in return. I’ve heard others even say you take on someone’s “karma” when you have sex with them. So anyways, I don’t think the celibacy movement is about “purity” or “cleansing,” but rather “protecting your energy” from draining interactions. Either way, very interesting and well-researched video/commentary as always 🫡
Voluntary celibacy is often reccommended to people in therapy until they get their life in a place where they're stable enough independently to build a healthy relationship
your personality is "virginity"? Why do you care so much about it. Literally no one in real life will ask you "are you a virgin?", this is all internet mentality. Enjoy your life, your personality is not 1 thing, it's a collection of many expiriences
@@morbid1. many of us on the religious spectrum value it as something that should only be given up once in a loving marriage as it can be seen as a sign of purity as well that’s why many of will only marry a person who is a virgin
thanks for the video! you’ve put together a lot of the things that I’ve been on to lately as I’ve broken up with my bf in march, we’ve been dating for 7 years, then straight got into a strange dynamic situationship thats also ended not so long ago just wanted to add that many times it’s not just the societal pressure that makes us get into those traditional relationship thing but also the mental issues and disorders, traumas that make it hard and sometimes almost impossible to tolerate the feeling of loneliness and emptiness that for many people (and it can be the case of the hopeless romantics) comes with being single. traditional relationship provide you with the notion of security and stability and it can be really hard to break the circle of serial monogamy and actually face your mental struggles
The theme of friendship seems to me, living in the U.S., very old-fashioned. Most people don’t have friends. And the low-income people with “broken families” around here rely precisely on their relatives, not on mutually supportive friendship networks.
I never really understood this strange seperation between romantic relationships and friendships. There are basically two options: completely platonic or romantic, sexual, and exclusive. Why? Everybody has individual wants and needs. Why do we expect that this is a one-size-fits-all solution? Let's take me for example. I am a mild autism case, which means that I experience a lot of things differently and have needs that differ from most other people. But many people get weirded out by open communication and negotiating about the rules, boundaries and needs in a relationship. Why do we need to put people with vastly different wants and needs in this narrow corset of rules?
Nature. Men aren't going to invest in a woman too far if she's sleeping with other men. This is a safe guard in nature to prevent cucking and resource diversion. It is natural and the way things should be. If anything society needs more closing in far less opening up in order to function. Enjoy the decline
"romantic" relationships included children in the past so the exclusivity was needed and expected, while we seperated sex from offspring conception physically psychologically we did not Platonic relationships on the other hand are built overtime usually due to mutual non-sexual benefits.
Excluding sex, mainly the difference is the time you spend with and how you deep go with. Basically, your romantic relationship partner is your BFF who you promise to they and they to you too that you'll be there for they, to take care of their worst problem and moment.
Most people in a long term relationship naturally want their partner to be with only them and love them, cause that is what ensures the children get raised with a dedicated family, and it ensures that he kids are actually the mans. Lve exists to ensure that humans have kids and take care of them together.
@@darklazerx7913 Well... not really, according to anthropologists. Many ideas of what is most natural about love, sex and relationships carry a strong cultural bias. Monogamy is pretty rare among mammals to begin with. Research suggests that monogamy wasn't the norm in early humans until the rise of agriculture. Monogamy probably helped keep a certain stability because their was less competition through a more equal distribution of possible mates. This helped it persist as an aspect of culture, not nature. And that explains how our idea of love and relationships could change so much throughout the ages: It is only loosely based on our biology. And let's be honest, it's not love that ensures that humans have children. That's the job of our sex drive. But the cultural aspect of monogamy can provide some benefits (preventing infighting and infanticide for example). And as these benefits aren't really needed as much in modern times, it makes sense that many people drift into some sort of serial monogamy or alternative relationship styles like open relationships or polyamory.
I worry about the future generation now that my own generation (gen z here) seems to be not too genuine and getting more worse. I can’t tell if they’re being true to themselves, or just being deep into the layers of irony. It’s like getting rare to find someone genuine which makes me get pushed closer to being a loner still
I'm a person heavily involved in my local anarchist community. This topic is often touched on, especially since many of my friends are polyamorous. I've actually tried it myself and found out the hard way that it doesn't work for me at all. I understand your message and see how these "traditional relationships" can be harmul to the society. However, I've learned that prioritizing friendships over romantic relationships, or even giving them equal attention does not make me as happy as being "devoted" to a romantic partner. I suppose it's because it's just hard to reach that level of closeness and mutual understanding with friends, versus someone you plan to spend your life with and share many daily activities. What are your thoughts on this?
I never understood the point of ‘planning to spend your life with someone’ and therefore thinking that that’s the relationship worth investing in. You can have multiple lifelong friendships with people who will help you at any point. While romantic relationships are very black and white, one day they are there and the next day they abandon you completely. Less emotionally charged relationships (friends) are more valuable because they are your safety net.
i think being drawn towards a more monogamous relationship is completely natural, it's different for everybody. while i do think it's possible to find the same amount of fulfillment from a platonic or non-traditional relationship as a traditional romantic one, i also understand that other people value different things in a relationship. for example i'm aromantic so it might be a little easier for me to let go of these ideals, but it doesn't make you any less a part of your community for finding meaning and importance in romantic relationships! there's no harm in valuing these relationships if they make you happy. it only becomes a problem when one type of relationship is seen as the only option, while simultaneously perpetuating capitalist ideals, which only happens when we fail to ask ourselves the right questions.
To each their own, is my thinking. Your desires are as valid as those of the people around you. The important thing is that you have realised this, so you can go for it. ❤
@@ilikepancakes2368 Especially if you're planning children its just selfish and irresponsible to focus on one person in your life. Sex point I dont get, you can do that without fully focusing your life on that person. But when it comes to children, couples that don't have strong friendships (as in people from outside the relationship) are either miserable or highly rely on their elderly family (which not everyone is lucky to have). I wasnt saying don't get into relationship, I was saying it shouldn't be your priority over friends, its obv better to have both. Unless you're a millionaire and you can pay a therapist to talk to you, and maid to take care of you then go off.
I've been in a celibate close relationship with my creative partner for about 11 years now. We don't live together but we do see each other pretty much every weekend and work on projects, which include short films, art shows, photographs, writing and paintings. So, we are extremely fruitful as a couple, just not in the traditional sense of the word. No one else really understands it, especially our respective family members, but they've come to some level of reluctant acceptance about it, because we're clearly not "breaking up" any time soon.
He stays over on the weekends. There is some romantic component to it, but we don't have sex. None of my other friends stay over and neither one of us is as close to anyone else as we are with each other. We don't seek outside relationships because it wouldn't be as harmonious or satisfying overall. I don't expect regular people to understand, but it's definitely more than "just friendship."
@@Chloe2000mm thanks for clarifying. I was always of the opinion, that exclusivety is the biggest difference between a relationship and a friendship. Super glad you are happy together
@@Dimitris_Half yes it's is kind of a slumber party, but it's also a relationship, unless your definition of a relationship must include sex. I do tell others, if they ask, that I am single because it's just too hard to try and explain it. I've joked before that asexuality is the last frontier in social acceptability. We definitely fit the description "celibate by choice" because both of us would have options if we chose to take them, but we don't.
I've watched a few of Alice's videos (recently discovered her through a Oliviasun video) and despite my finding her videos very interesting and insightful, I feel somehow very annoyed by them. I'm reminded of a sociology class I took in University were we learnt 'critical theory', which taught us to be critical of race (the infamous critical race theory), class, gender, and so on. One of the examples used by my then lecturer to apply critical theory was searching the term 'pregnant' on Google and viewing the images. The images were overwhelmingly of white women, with few of any other race (nowadays it's more diverse actually, which makes me happy for some reason). Anyway, this was kind of where our analysis ended. I recall my classmates being shocked and appalled at what to them might have seemed obvious discrimination, but I had a 1000 more questions. At the end of the lecture I went and asked my lecturer one of these questions. I asked something like 'how do we know that there is an actual problem here if we don't consider who uses google and the demographics of said population'? She shrugged her shoulders and said that the point is just that we notice these things. While I'm very thankful for that lesson, it was and still is shocking to me that a lot of people use a 'critical theory' schema (or any similar worldview) to view everything they see, without going into any data or considering any other perspective. Alice's analysis reminds me of this. It always comes from a feminist perspective, with particular emphasis on intersectionality and being revolutionary. While I appreciate that this is the content she makes and in consequence the content her audience wants to see, it makes her analysis feel disingenuous. This is the reason I fell out with creators like Ben Shapiro and Candace Owens, they never concede any liberal point and always argue from a conservative worldview. Maybe I'm naïve and/or misinterpreting Alice's message, but I feel that 'arguing from a position' (like how you would in a formal debate) is less valuable than 'arguing for truth' (like how a detective would try to find out the 'truth'). If you read this Alice, I'd love to know your thoughts on the above.
Alice doesn't really use material analysis. She refuses to understand the concept of "the cycle of abuse" and instead prefers carceral feminism, which is antithetical to intersectionality. Carceral feminism is racism with a feminist veneer. Feminism has A LOT to answer for, for sweeping these things under the rug and pretending to care about minorities and being about actual gender equality.
You're not naive brotha you see through the stinking pile. Empty your mind of useless factoids and let wisdom in. The ancients knew that its better to have a mind like a neat tool box than a hoarders hut. Olisunvia is dumby gorgeous to its a crying shame about her feminist brain infestation lol but she's not this bad at least
13:00; Interesting take regarding “relationship Ankara by.” I’m Nigerian-American Muslim. I’ve attended Desi, Arabs and African weddings. Part of the appeal/purpose of marriage is to INCREASE social capital and strengthen both extended families’ networks. It’s very outward and community facing. People will unironically explain their relations saying “I’m the brides fathers cousins wife” as a way to show closeness.
Feminism made me more prone to celibacy. At one point I understood that the way I was engaging with sexuality was objectifying, and so I stopped engaging with it in that way, which made me much more cautious with how I engage with sexuality. I much more prefer not to have sex than to reproduce patriarchal sexuality.
I am a right wing male, and I have also come to the conclusion that frivolous sexual contact is unhealthy and objectifying. Note I said "come to" rather than decided. It was as a result of my experiences and emotions.
@selmasuleyman9966 not true. You miss understand the movement. Being sexual can be empowering for some, but it's not for everyone and that is okay. What we want is for people to not be judged or feel ashamed for doing certain things in bed or for being with certain people in a 100% consensual manner.
When I was pushing 50, I finally found enough balance to tell women goodbye for good. It was truly a great relief. It is quite unsafe and inconvenient to live alone, but there is PEACE
My partner of 28 years died when I was 49. 10 years later and I have not dated nor been tempted to. Nothing to do with a romantic ideal of eternal love and fidelity, its just more peaceful
I remember! it was in the video about the new age french cinema (I think; I forgot the term but I remember it talking about the themes around women, how they were portrayed and touched up a lil on eurocentricism????). I mostly remember it because I dunno french but have been reading literature surrounding or referencing the French revolution (BASTILLE DAY IS FAST APPROACHING! Gonna celebrate that in the US) Also, I ended up reading "all about love" by bell hooks because you and Khadija Mbowe referenced it in your videos. Thank you! At this point I'm kinda following you guys more to get literary references (Check out "feminism for the 99%" by Aruzza, Bharracharya and Fraser if you have time!!! (if it's not done already 🤨))
That movie is a lot funnier when you know that the actor playing Ripper was a card carrying member of the Communist Party and personally fought alongside Yugoslav communists during WW2.
Dating has basically changed a lot within the last 10 years. It's more challenging now. Due to Isolation, dating apps, hookup culture, standards/expectations. There's so much input people dont know how to navigate it. So some folks opt out.
How is being a family a bourgeois idea? I’m confused. I think the reason why celibacy is more common today is simply, sexual gratification became commodified, men are addicted to porn, women mostly date the same pool of men, men and women were taught that family life is boring and unfulfilling, men and women work or study until their mid thirties, people have been told the world is awful so why bother having a family, the new generation is awkward as all hell so their social and flirting skills suck, digital hobbies have taken over people’s found time like playing League, or scrolling on social medias, people have been told that sexual gratification on the short term is liberating and should be encouraged, bubbles on the internet pop up anything between men hating women as well as women hating men, political conversations have became a staple therefore inherently divided unless you live in an echo chamber, people have also been sold this idea that family must inherently be fun and amazing-the same as relationships and when people engage they realize it takes work, commitment, communication, and willingness to be there no matter what as well as good faith in your partner but since internet and sexual relationships can be all fun and no strings people gravitate to the less demanding work. Everyone was sold a bill of goods wether it was romance or nihilism, both are dumb, both fkn useless. Forcefully being in a relationship doesn’t help, and staying celibate cuz you believe it grants you more freedom are both child-like ideals. The analysis in the video seems like it’s lacking a lot of empirical data. I’m not here to promote the family dynamic, people can do wtf they want. It just seems kinda lame to just go “friendships are more important” or “family is most magically wonderful fairy tail romance and prince charming is real”. My g, ask any successful couple, nobody’s perfect. You got issues, shes got issues, hes got issues.
I think/hope I saw air quotes at 14:23, as I have for a long time thought "and they lived happily ever after" is one of the most destructive phrases in human society and as an urban progressive I think I'm sorta unconsciously practicing a form of relationship anarchy, but as a middle-aged guy raising two kids full-time by myself I bristle at anyone calling this family I've made by sheer force of will alone "broken".
@@ontheline3077 it's true in the U.S. as well that custody disputes often favor the mother, but fathers get primary custody about 1/6th of the time, it's not too uncommon. It's the same over here that it often requires the mother to be shown to be neglectful or otherwise unfit, but it does happen.
Good video and thanks for remembering what celibacy means. What I dislike the most about this whole idea of "purity" is its inequality regarding expectation on men and women, particularly with an emphasis on the latter. p.s.: I hope the Project Verdragon succeeds, despite the attacks of fearful bigots.
Meh, impiety is much worse. This society is over the master has fooled the masses into rebelling against the trifecta of love itself. There is no revolution without evolution and there is no evolution in all of these genetic dead ends. The uptick in asexuality and celibacy is an unconscious reaction to a broken society, that is to say completely, utterly and wholly manufactured. Reactionary
I was watching a piece about how this Asian woman was struggling to get into a prestigious university, in spite of her exemplary resume. They said it had something to do with the essay part of her college application. I was thinking that, because of her amazing qualifications on her resume it would be very much worth it to accommodate her needs in the workplace. I think they are doing that to some degree already, because I am seeing a lot of women in prestigious jobs - doctors, bank presidents, financial analysts, and so on.
Yes is getting harder but our program gives us a hard time at first when we denied it... Really don't know what to do so, I might just let the pan out of my hand and see what's going to happen next. Good vid
Good lord. The intent behind promoting family structure isn’t to subjugate women, it’s necessary for the survival and well being of the species. What kind of backwards world are we living in where we find fault in the devotion of helping others?
@@NeverUseAnApostrophe Marriage saved wahmen. 200 years ago and beyond ie prior to the industrial revolution people lived in extreme poverty. Life was hard and over 50% of children died at birth. The world was a far more lawless place and in many societies familial revenge was common. In addition predation from wild animals (bears, wolves, crocodiles, wild dogs etc), disease, environmental disasters (floods, fires, etc, etc) and conflict with neighbouring tribes was very common. Living in the dirt wahmen were nothing but a high cholesterol meat sandwich for a hyena, bear or other predator. Even more likely you were to be raided by another tribe and taken captive. Warrior Aboriginal tribes in Australia would kill the males from lesser tribes and take their wahmen by force. If the wahmen refused they would be speared through the face. Life was harsh and unpredictable especially for pregnant wahmen. The protection of wahmen via a strong man's resources was essential for her survival. Marriage of whatever form was the best way of ensuring her survival. Marriage benefitted wahmen!
This is an interesting topic to me. I'm in a relationship but the idea of intentional singlehood has always had some appeal to me. It feels like heterosexual relationships especially are becoming more and more fraught with the rise of rhe manosphere, and people just generally having a hard time adjusting to changing gender roles.
When I listen to these problems I'm always like: in our life it's important to know ourselves and what we like and what we don't like. I am sure that social pressure is a huge thing but come on, everyone has the duty to work on their personality and to get in intimate touch with what we want and what we don't want. Sociology focuses too much on these social-deterministic things and too little on the personal efforts everyone has to do in order to live a happier life. Yeah, society values something fake (or at least not valid for everyone)...so what? It's our life and we choose to conform to a standard the main problem is ours: we will end up living a miserable life. If you like romantic love go for it. If you like being alone, go for it. If you want kids, go for it. If you don't want them, go for it. Are we adults or not?
Alice, thank you for your videos. They are so well researched, and thought provoking. Even when I'm unsure of what you say, or disagree with you entirely, I'm so appreciative of the work you put into these videos!
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Romance started dying the second it was seen as a product. Hell, look at online dating. People have confused standards in a partner with preferences, as if they’re simply shopping. I’m terrified at how dehumanizing dating is becoming, it’s enabling more and more unacceptable behavior.
So true. And sometimes the ''shopping criteria'' doesn't even come from what the person really feels, but from societal expectations of looks, money, and social status. So many times I've seen people ashamed of falling in love with someone because they didn't meet the standards set for them, by others and the culture.
@@shironerisilkDon’t get me started on that 😵💫 Just look at the patriarchal standard of height and how toxic the dialogue gets
romance died the moment people started procreating just to survive
@@AlexanderSkinnerVidsWhat does height preference have to do with the patriarchy?
@@cobracommander8133 From my community experience and internet in general if your height is less than 1.70 meters you're basically not a man (whatever the person saying it means).
As someone who doesn’t date I don’t think I’m doing something revolutionary or “cleansing”, I’m just not dating 🤷🏻♀️
I like couples and I like single people if they are nice and that’s it… I like the idea of forming a community and being part of a family who works together to live as comfortable as they can… I think it could work for me, forming a community that resembles what my family does
Someone I can relate to
Even if you think you aren't doing anything revolutionary intentionally, you are going against all societal norms and biological instinct. The reason why people are doing this, even not aware of how strange that is, it's quite interesting. Hopefully this type of lifestyle of part of the population will create better communities and outcomes. Let there be revolution!
@@stampcrab yes, except for the “biological instinct” part. Please try and stop essentialising sexuality, which is also a social norm.
@@GreenPlymProductionessentializing sexuality? That’s a joke. Sexuality is the reason you exist. It can’t be removed from prime importance in managing society. It is essential to existence
@@DevonHberman-im6bx Homie doesn't know asexual folks exist gawd dang 💀💀💀 (google "allonormativity" you coward)
Yes, friendships seem to be the kind of relationship that one is expected to give up on, or at least on their intensity, when leaving childhood. That you should keep your friends just close enough once you find a partner so that you have them at your wedding as a reminder of childhood or when things go south but not as active, rich members of your daily life. That's honestly very messed up and sad especially when friendship-building is such an important part of building one self and evolving. Interestingly enough I found that my polyamorous friend is the best at valuing and keeping her friendships strong and alive which is probably due to her putting all relationships, no matter their nature, to the same level. Somehow that feels pretty revolutionary haha.
People forget that friendship is the stepping stones to long last romantic and intimate relationships. Without ever having good friendships how can one have a lasting marriage?
i have a friend who is actually monogamous but places all relationships on the same level and its very admirable considering that he doesnt particularly identify with the left but continues to challenge his beliefs no matter how comfortable they are
and he doesnt even know how cool he is
@@markigirl2757 depends. Your partner is on different level than friend. Some things you can talk about with friends only, and some are exclusive between partners. Mixing it isn't recommended
I have just one friend rn and that's my partner...I can't really imagine having a boyfriend that won't happen to be also my best friend, it just doesn't make sense to me
I love this!! I’m not poly but I truly love the ideology that all relationships are important :)
"You're not dating? You're just friends?" JUST friends? My closest friendships have lasted longer and been more valuable than any of my romantic relationships. They are the family I chose, not the family I was born with. These expectations of romance come from the limited types of relationships portrayed in media. There are far more ways for people to relate to each other than are shown in movies and TV shows. These other types of relationships aren't shown because they tend to be drama-free, and it's hard to get people to watch movies that don't have drama. It's no surprise that we are getting more lonely, when we are not taught how to not be lonely.
This I can agree and relate to yes! 👌💯 I have a best friend who used to have a crush on me in high school and I have known her for more than a decade. We are not dating never have and my friendship with her has lasted longer than ANY relationship in my life. There are somethings a friendship and friend circle can provide that a serious relationship will NEVER be able to.
@@yaboyjosh3023 Can you give examples of those things?
I mean, yeah, but having our sexual desires is a core need of humans. When we have no prospect of having those needs met, what's the point of anything?
@@CC3GROUNDZERO The point of a relationship is not to meet your sexual need, it's so much more than that (primarily satisfying the need for a deep romantic connection). You have masturbation and hookups for that (if that is the only thing you want).
@@eleniusxx "The point of a relationship is not to meet your sexual need" -- Speak for yourself.
The increase in loneliness due to capitalism and lack of community is worrying for me.
Especially online dating because it's generally awful
One word alienation
You guys just love blaming capitalism for everything, as if soviet society was the peak of fulfilling romantic relationships. This is a cultural issue, only autistic (protestant+east asian) countries have this issue anyways. Blame Martin Luther.
@@ligmaballs777 yo mama
@@ligmaballs777 Literally no one said or alluded to the idea that "Soviet society was the peak of fulfilling romantic relationships." You just made up your own argument that you could then attack.
@@ligmaballs777 it's a feminism issue not capitalism
3:46 My aunt was cheated on by her husband and she tried to stay together and make the marriage work for about 10 years and it ended up making her an incredibly unhappy and bitter person and it's kind of sad watching her get worse over time.
Then tell her. Be the person who offers her the life saving words “you don’t have to do this anymore”
what happened to the kids?@@wPleasur3
That’s sad. But imagine if her husband had christian values and feared God and didn’t cheat on her and was nice to her. Life would be much better then, eh? See, Jesus Christ is the answer to all problems.
@@FaraStiriRO is this satire?
@@AkairoKaminari Not really, no. I am quite sure that it says in the Bible that you shouldn’t beat or mistreat your wife. In the New Testament that is.
As a guy who is 25 and has never been in a relationship it is interesting to listen to, as you have sum up a lot of the reasons why I've been single. Over time I have really started to see a lot of toxic traits in peoples relationships, for example:
- Being with someone solely because they are to scared to be alone and momentum means they are trapped, married with 3 kids and a mortgage.
- Abandoning close friends to be with their partner and realising they are lonely in the relationship years later.
- Sacrificing dreams and goals to be with someone.
- Serial monogamy and all the drama involved with that.
Being single has allowed me to spend more time on friendships and meant that I haven't had to sacrifice things along the way. I constantly get told by people that I look like I'm having so much fun and that they wish they could be like me, the truth is that they can.
That being said it isn't totally perfect, I do feel like I'm 'just me' sometimes and I do want kids in the future which pretty much requires a relationship.
I understand what you're saying & I agree with it. Me being a man the same age as you, I feel that it is slightly selfish when I compare myself to my parents & grandparents, heck my grandparents moved from Jamaica in the 1950s to the UK to make a new life, full of opportunities for their kids & grandkids like myself.
I would say that living as a single person limits us significantly financially in this current era we're in with high inflation & prices so that it's extremely expensive to move out from home & it's a struggle or only a dream to think of owning your own house or even renting alone. My dad brought his first house for £9k in the early 80s life happened so unfortunately he's not doing the best financially now but I feel like what I am now to what he was is world's apart.
I want kids but I'm single & tbh I don't want to openly go into becoming a single parent through adoption & obviously nor would I want to become one through divorce / separation from the mother of my children one day (there's enough broken families in the world & I don't want to add to that statistic) I think it's important that even we men have a biological body clock, sure it doesn't work the same as women but I think everyone should see it as do they want to have a child that once they turn 18 you're already elderly, retired (not early). I want children but I don't want them to see me as old & grey before they reach their 25th birthday & plus I want to see them have kids & so on so I can potentially meet my great grandchildren.
My grandma died a few years ago & she reached the age of 94, grew up in Jamaica, worked as a nurse in the UK, birthed 9 children & had a divorce from my grandad.
So from that I'm sure you can tell that I want to at least live a long life, have a family (probably not as big 😂), own a home & have achievements.
We can only hope, pray & do our individual bit to make our way & make the most of our lives that were gifted to us.
21, woman, currently in medschool. My first and last relationship was at 15. Since then I haven't even kissed.
My first relationship was very good the first couple months, yet, my partner was insecure in his looks as he was much uglier than I was and found fault in everything due to his insecurities, trying to hold me down so I wouldn't look for someone elses ir some similar bulshit. He tried to make me believe I had no value. Once we had the fallout he made swear I would never, ever, date anyone who was "Lesser than him". He sit down and told not to date or marry down (in looks, inteligence, afluence, kindness, all) otherwise I would be miserable.
I am not sure this is true, but I never felt the need for a second relationship before, just starting to think about It now. I want kids, possibly love, for my life, but there is too much drama. I just want those first few months of slow romance in a lifetime (I was not dead on in love from the started, but he asked me to consider and I thought he was a good guy, this I decided to try to love him and I did. Slow non, caring love.)
i wonder if this model is sustainable in the long term...
Wait for the next 10+ years, it will devolve then.
Your friends with children will have a lot less time to keep friends around and be good parents at the same time even if they wanted to.
Your friends still single but who do want a family and children will become more desperate and bitter - wait it out 10 more years and after 45 they'll get over it, but in the meantime they won't really be as enjoyable people hanging around as they used to be.
Even though for women the biological imperative is stronger and stronger in their mid to late 30s, they are also nota very fun time to be around them, supporting them through several attempts at getting pregnant, possible miscarriages (...) but for men when the realisation kicks in, it's mostlty a bit too late already. Then, having kids and founding a family after your 40s when you've not really had experienced what it takes keeping a relationship going will make things much harder,sleppless nights are better when you're younger. Money can help with that of course.
Anyhow, enjoy your life, mid 20s are awesome, so are the early 30s as a single ;)
Gotta love witnessing a society that others asexual people and calls us broken and mentally ill will also praise voluntary celibacy as morally good. /s
of course . They just coping hard)
Wait wut, I thought voluntary celibates and asexuals were the same thing. Why is society so obsessed with sex these days.
@condottiero7 They're not but I can see where the confusion comes from
The difference is that voluntary celibates are a choice and asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction, one can still sleep around and still be ace
And yes sadly society is very obsessed with sex
@@Constantin_91 sex or reproduction basic biological drive?
@@Constantin_91 There is a difference in being sexually attracted to people and CHOOSING not to have sex and lacking sexual attraction. Ace people have little to no sexual attraction, which has caused us to conflict with a very sex obsessed society. Asexuality has been listed as a mental disorder in the past and is a common orientation that is targeted to be "fixed" by modern day conversion therapy. I have had a medical "professionl" tell me that I am not asexual, and that there must be a medical reason for why I am "lacking libido." Joke is on her libido has nothing to do with asexuality, all asexual people are different but the commen factor is the lack of sexual attraction to others. Asexual awareness and understanding is very minimal because we are only about 1 percent of the population. Asexuals have been acknowledged in the field of sexology since the 1890s, but it is easier for people to shove us under the rug than acknowledge our existance.
Something I’ve come to really appreciate in particular about your videos is how you introduce ideas from untranslated French works to the anglophone world
I recently read Loveless by Alice Oseman (also author of Heartstopper) about a student who expects a "happily ever after" romance realising and trying to come to terms with her aromantic asexuality and I would highly highly recommend it for everyone to read! It really made me think about my own friendships and how much I should value them, I think maybe we all need more "big gestures of platonic love" not just romantic!
I absolutely love that book! I cried while reading it lol
There is also an Asexual Guy in the new season of Heartstopper.
Thanks for the recc! Just a hold on it at the library! Looks fantastic!
Hey, I read this comment around a month ago and now I just finished the book (I didn't read straight away, I put it on my list and started it this week when i finished my other books), so I just wanted to come here and thank you for the recommendation. It was a fun and insightful read (although Georgia was insufferable, overly dramatic and very self-centered at times).
My husband and I have split custody of my little brother with my grandma, so every other week we take turns caring for him. Sometimes I feel bad he has such an unconventional looking home life because I don’t want him to feel ostracized, but I also feel very happy and proud at how many people love him and how much support he has. Family units that are big supportive networks might not be what we are used to these days but they definitely aren’t a bad thing
Sure having a big family network is not bad. But it is bad to have a split up family.
THIS. My family saved my life.
@@darklazerx7913 Not if the family is more toxic and abusive when they’re together
Why is the grandmother (and not the grandfathers, never them) being required to take care of another child when she already cared for her own children? She should have the right to enjoy her life and grandkids too fir sure but without the responsibility of custody. This only perpetuates the exploitation of women as caregivers and romanticizes the unpaid domestic and care labor done primarily for women for the rest of their lives…
@@Vnm2207 if the grandma volunteered, your claim loses any power.
Besides, if we are to create a new concept of family that are about "networking" instead of blood, why deny space to the elderly? They are people too!
Single mother at 18, my family - not only my parents - helped me so much and with so much love, my neighbour helped me (and I helped her) on a daily basis, even with my studies, our daughters grew up like sisters and I managed to successfully finish school, then I got 2 degrees, 1 PhD, a second master degree and I have a successfull career, an amazing almost 17 years old daughter and an amazing life full of amazing people. We all worked together and each of my successes is theirs too and viceversa. I'm proud of my group of people and I'm proud of them every time I'm proud of myself. During all those years celibacy has never been a problem to me, it was not for my family and friends. Now I'm in a 3-years long distance relationship and I have no intention to move or live together with him, even in the case a baby comes.
I can verify that the pressure to maintain the relationship is strong enough to keep men in bad and abusive relationships often too. Growing up religious I was always told how marriage was for life and the only reason for failure was that "people these days just give up". One of my biggest frustrations with relationships in literature and other media is the inability to have close friendships either between members of the same sex or even the opposite sex without assuming there's sexual components. I appreciate your clear-eyed assessment as always.
Marriage being for life isn't a bad idea nor is it a hard thing to achieve, even the failure of achieving it doesn't mean the model is false. It's basic science that we as humans are family oriented species.
I genuinely hate how sex obsessed our culture is. I love sex, but I hate the objectification/sexualization of everything, it's exhausting.
😢 yeah, so in college I knew a man who had been slashed by his ex girlfriend ✋💀 it was only, when she did that to him and his car did he see what was happening because he is a big guy and she is small.
Poor guy. Its tough, people sometimes laugh at him when, she literally could have killed him and he will always have a slash mark from neck to hip
@@cazwalt9013 we are community oriented, and nothing baout human behavior is "basic science", and almost nothing we do is purely programmed biologically. we are a species hugely influenced by societal norms, ask any actual biologist or behavioralist.
Except people these days do “just give up” and for the dumbest reasons too. It’s rare for people to break up these days because of abuse.
I was single for years and rarely ever went out on dates. It was mostly due to some sort of social fatigue? I just couldn't get excited about meeting a stranger and swiping on dating apps just became so grim to me. I'm actually really thankful for that time alone because it really let me find myself and stop living for others. There were days where it was really hard, and there were a lot of times where I questioned if something was wrong with me, so I don't think this should be something to romanticize, but it also shouldn't be something to fear or feel bad about. I'm in a relationship now, and it isn't often that I wish I was single again, but I have a really great guy who agrees with most of my values. He's not perfect, but what he does that a lot of other men refuse to do is actually *listen*. We can talk about feminist issues and he tries to understand. We split chores and cook together or for each other and he truly feels like a partner. I don't say any of this to brag, but if you are a hopeless romantic reading this, you're not doomed and you don't have to settle for something that doesn't make you feel blessed. That being said, I still don't know if we'll have children, even though I'm confident he'll do his best to make it as equal as possible, because this world (or the US?) just doesn't make it easy or seem enjoyable to have kids, which is really sad to me. Why can't we have more discussions on how to actually make raising a family more enjoyable instead of shaming the people who confess that they don't actually like being parents?
so happy to hear that! i am currently in the phase of the life that you described in the beginning of the comment, had basically the same observations. i wish you all the best :)
Do you equally split bills with your boyfriend?
@@nikolavojnovic6552 nope, he pays more because 1. He makes more money and 2. Even if we did earn equal amounts, I’d still have more social expenses (women spend on avg $300k more in their lifetime just for grooming/keeping up appearances and we spend 2 weeks per year more on grooming), so we’ve agreed that unless I’m actually making more than him, I shouldn’t have to go 50/50.
@@karolina7122 thank you! I wish you all the best too!
“Social fatigue” is such a good way to put it. I’m in my early 30s and I just have never been able to get excited about casual dating. And I don’t say that to act superior to anyone, I just personally find it to be draining and not enjoyable. I do really want to have a partner one day, but I just kinda reject the notion that I have to go out with a bunch of people who I’m really not into just to be SURE one of them isn’t The One (“gotta kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince”). Idk, I’ve built a really good life for myself on my own and as much as I want a partner to share it with, I feel like there’s got to be a better way than the current dating scripts offered to us.
I respect the fact Alice is more consistent than 50% of US marriages
based heisenbergfam
What do you do watch every video I watch and leave the first comment or something? I swear I see you everywhere.
yayyyyyyyyyyyyyeah!
yo! mista white
It ia easier when you work Alone on TH-cam than in real life
Here’s my family horror story about purity culture, family structure, and “sticking it out for love”. TW for fundamentalism, abuse, mental illnesses and SA. My second cousin grew up very VERY conservative and fundamentalist. She met her ex-husband in college and we were frankly thrilled. He seemed charming and fun and a great fit for her. She had already broken a family norm by deciding she didn’t want kids after seeing what happens to her mom (tldr her mom had a ton of kids and miscarriages and died young bc of it) and it seemed her new husband was on board and overall it all seemed good. Shit hit the fan a year or so later when he was arrested for some horrific horrific crimes and was sent to jail for 6 months. His sentence was so short due to her family hiding certain aspects of said crime to protect him and bc he would be at high risk of injury or death if he was sent to a prison. She then spent those 6 months being told by her community and church that her job was to love and support him through this process and that leaving was not an option. She also had to work multiple jobs to keep him comfortable in jail and a roof over her head. Once he got out, it only got worse, eventually she found the bravery to leave him after an incident of physical abuse. Unfortunately she found out she was pregnant two weeks after leaving (it’s kinda expected he sabotaged the bc in order to keep her with him). Due to the way she was raised, her beliefs and the threat of being cut off from her family, she continued her pregnancy and went back to him. Her family stressed how it was unacceptable for her to leave and that divorce was not an option. I also suspect her grandfather paid for their housing if she stayed with him since her (ex) husband couldn’t find work with his record. Eventually they had to move in with the family and he moved on to preying on another family member. Then, and ONLY then, was she essentially given family permission to divorce him. She is obviously severely traumatized and last time I saw her she was dealing with audio hallucinations. This is obviously a worst case scenario but it really shows how all of the elements mentioned (purity culture, misogyny, societal expectations, etc.) can ruin lives when taken to an extreme.
jesus, much power to your mom.
@@ontheline3077 It was my second cousin but thanks, it's an intense story.
Sad story, but that's not really the norm, more like an outliner. And the problems I see are:
1. She jumped into a marriage without really knowing the guy;
2. She didn't divorce him when she found out he was a bad apple;
3. She didn't make an abortion, but is instead carrying the seed of an abusive criminal.
I wouldn't say that's the result of her conservative outlook. Divorce was legal even during the most conservative times in history, exactly to avoid these situations. Seems to me, she wasn't given good advice by her friends and relatives.
@@kokokokow1760 how the hell did you read that and decide "the girl that was brainwashed by purity culture and traditonalism to be the perfect "woman" and was taught from a very young age to do all the things you blame her for is definetly at fault"
@polin I don't blame her. I blame the psycho she was dating and her relatives for giving bad advice.
Blaming the whole ideology like you do is wrong though. Because it worked well for most families. Whatever ideology we have now seems to not be working as well, because a much larger percent of people are not in relationships. It seems like promiscuity is not working well for the society at large.
Simone de Beauvoir's views on family is a product of her upbringing - An happy few grown up in a strict catholic life. It's important to remind this to people to understand how she came to her conclusions.
So a truly trad wife
Based
Dissident feminist Camille Paglia - one of the longest and strongest defenders men and pro-men’s movement - pointed out that most second wave feminist ideologues had f*cked up relationships with their fathers
I am demisexual so celibacy has always been part of my life due to my lack of interest in the matter. However, the reason why I have not tried to date anyone ever and could be considered a ‘voluntary celibate’ is because I know how society views asexuals. We are kind of thought of as ‘nuisances’ and a ‘problem to be solved’ because we do not want sex. In the West, sex is strongly attached to relationships as if a monogamous relationship cannot happen without sex. I know that dating for me will be super hard because of all the guilt tripping and misunderstanding so I just don’t bother (doesn’t help that I am a straight woman, can you imagine explaining to a straight man that you don’t like sex much?)
My husband is demi too, so I know where you're coming from. The Western ideal of monogamous couples having sex often hit both of our anxieties about being "enough".
I’m a demisexual too, I totally feel you…
I thought demisexuality is just the "default" sexuality of a woman. I am demi and my mom is too. I am repulsed by sex and male body, to be honest, but mom says that I'd inevitably want it once I am deeply in love. I'd like to believe her, but find it hard.
@@Sasha-zw9ss Please don’t listen to your mom saying that wanting sex is “inevitable.” This is not a healthy way of thinking and just reiterates the norm that everyone wants sex. You have your own body and mind-your attraction is unique to you and does not follow some inevitably. If your repulsion goes away, good for you! But if it doesn’t, also good for you! What matters is that you do what makes you feel comfortable
@@Silentbutdeadlee Yes, I do take it with a grain of salt)
Every year when I see my father I hear same shit - "you have a job, own place, time to get a wife, have kids, all women will love guy like you... "
This boomer mentality, is so annoying. I answer this always the same - " you have no idea how comfortable my life is"
maybe he's just using reverse psychology on you
Well maybe you should try to understand the reason why your father tells you that. Who is going to inherit your property if you don't have children? WIll you sell it? To whom? Who do you trust? Tell him that you don't want to have a family, explain it to him and then ask him why is he telling you that. Have a conversation, instead of blaming boomer mentality.
Have you tried to ignore him? Or just say something like "yeah" or some cold a** response? When my father starts to get phobic me and my siblings just sigh as loud as we can and just ignore him until he drops the subject lol
@@ignatiolu863 does everything come down to property? he will be dead anyway. might as well enjoy his time the way he wants...
Maybe has wisdom and knows that comfort is not fulfilling
I'm a childfree woman because I believe this is a healthy and fulfilling path for me. However, I also think being in a stable, healthy relationships is a great thing for every human being, based on our universal psychological needs. In a good relationship, our needs for safety, intimacy and belonging are fulfilled. It has good physical and mental influence on us. Problem is, most people are shit and so very few will ever find a wonderful lifelong partner. Or even just a decent partner. It is a privilege for very small amount of us and so, celibacy might be a wise choice for some.
Both marriage rates and birth rates are in decline. 57% of single adults aren't even looking to date. We are definitely looking at a decline in population, some people are happy about it/some aren't.
Isn't a decline in current population a good thing, lol
@@sabsain2399 Good is relative. What metrics are you hoping to compare against? It's good for workers wages, it's good for the biosphere. It is HORRIBLE for our economy, retirement and logistics chain, assuming AI doesn't take all the jobs.
@@jjoohhhnn 🤓
The spread of AI technology =/= patriarchal and misogynistic ideals and beliefs perpetuated and propagated for centuries and told to be the perfect code of conduct for men and women.
It's fine, you don't need to admit anything. I'm beyond arguing with people that try and deny the harm patriarchal and sexist tradtional beliefs bring.
@@jjoohhhnn hopefully AI takes all the unfulfilling jobs that only benefit billionaires and not our community and people
Makes sense. As we shift closer to a consumer society who purchase goods for use, and shop around for the best deals on our terms, we are probably aware that this is either unrealistic or unfair to inflict on another human. I am not a napkin, and neither are you.
Like a castaway lost at sea for years will need to retrain their social skills, so do we as a society - to refocus back to a communal model of mutuality in giving. We need time to interface, read each other, and develop better output collaboratively. Ask less of each other but reach for more. If nothing else, it will be the communal people who will survive the climate crisis. It's not something we can do alone, behind the walls that working to uphold capitalism bought us.
15:30, It never ceases to amaze me that when people of a country take an effort to grow their community by offering support within a community to offer services and support to the community members, it's attacked by the right, by the government. Yet when we demand that the government take the effort to do more it falls on deaf ears and empty hands.
I believe it has to do with the State's power and authority being identified by it's monopoly over certain things, like the legitimate use of violence. To an extent, it's logical that government couldn't care less about it's citizens level of well-being, but will quickly react to people working from outside the system to address these issues, treating their actions as a challenge and a potential threat.
Oh, let's not forget: ideological/political affinity may have lots to do. Would this have happened if the school was run by, for example, a religious order of the church?
I like to see myself as someone who values romance and intimacy, even in casual relationships, so a trend like this makes me feel quite sad and a little isolated. Ive drifted into queer and non-traditional spaces for dating and s*x partly cause i feel the norm is quite toxic. Online dating makes me feel like im buying a product rather than meeting a person and so many people around my age (25) have had such negative early experiences that its hard for them to put themselves out there. Not to mention there is so little time with work etc.
I've also shifted toward a queer perspective, but it's taking a long time to work through decades of self-hatred, so I'm still unable to date or have physical intimacy. Could also be a neurodiversity issue that I won't "recover from". I'm starting to think about looking into the k*nk community, because supposedly they allow people to express weird special needs, like having awkward, inflexible, idiosyncratic rules and hangups about s*x. It sucks, and I wish I could just "lighten up" about it, or suppress my dang libido, but that just isn't happening. Can't keep hating and isolating myself, first for failing to be a normal hetero, and now also failing to be a normal queer. 😕
@@ChristianCatboy thank you for sharing, I relate to what you said
It's a inevitable trend, as we continue to keep making sociopathic relationship patterns culturally acceptable.
If you are a serial monogamist, exactly that is partly what causes this trend.
It used to be that people would want to have committed long term relationships, but now they want meaningless short flings because they feel like they have a lot of time and options. (which is not the case for neither men nor woman, but especially not for woman)
I think what makes it even harder for women to leave abusive relationships (also for men but men often do not have to give up as much of their career) is the lack of social housing. Here in the Netherlands divorced women are often unable to find housing and end up in homeless shelters. I think the societal acceptance of divorce is increasing while the economic conditions are worsening. I think housing needs to be deprivatised so people can leave their partner if they are unhappy together without facing financial ruin.
AGREED HOUSING IS A RIGHT NOT A PRIVILEGE!
Agreed. BASIC housing, we should offer basic essentials for food, shelter, cleaning, food, medicine and education. And by basic, I do mean pretty basic. Heated and cooled, obviously, but without a personal bathroom (shared bathroom instead). And maybe 26x8x7, I think we should use shipping containers to build quick, cheap housing for people. That way, people can "boycott" the housing market to bring prices down. They can go on strike without union backing. They can start a business from 0 dollars because they have 0 overhead for themselves. UBN FTW! Remove the markets ability to extort.
you talking about revolution
Are you guys ready for that
So you're talking about a more legal problem (family law)?
Take away alimony and child support, live on your own income, 50/50 custody should be the norm no more automatic custody to women just because they birth the child.
I’m a guy in their mid twenties and am currently in the longest period being single since high school. I’ve definitely felt the pressure from peers and family members of the question of “are you dating her?” whenever they see me spending time with a close female friend. I don’t get asked the same question with my best guy friend, yet I have experienced a new found intimacy and closeness with these two people as friends that I have never found in a partner. I look up to them as role models and as moral compasses over as people I seek pleasure or social status for. I’ve found out more about myself bouncing around questions with them and this video speaks to me on many different levels. I feel like friendship and companionship is often downplayed or ignored over traditional relationships due to the fact that most friendships tend to pose harder moral challenges and self reflection situations. What do you all think?
I'm also a guy, nearing my mid twenties, I only had one relationship with 22 that lasted about a month, most of my life I never really had many or any friends and I was raised by a single mom and we don't have any family here. For me any kind of relationship is important, but my goal was always a relationship (gf). My mom was too open I would say and even though I told her I was straight, she would ask me sometimes if I was dating a friend the few times I had one (male or female), which honestly with almost all female friends I had I was interested in more, but they were not. Since for me a relationship is the goal (and the month I had one, was the happiest time of my life) I thought a lot about what is needed to achieve that goal. And I came to the concluson, that I need a relativly close friendgroup or at least some friends, to balance out the relationship and retain more indipendence and have it as a base and my own life kinda. I think it would be smart to already be in a kinda good position when trying to date someone/find a girl and increase the chances of her being interested. That's also the reason why I started to go to therapy since I know I had a lot of repressed Trauma and depression and to get a stable relationship I need to fix those issues, I already worked through a lot of trauma and I think also kinda overcome my depression, now I am working on my economic situation, since I also need to live on my own to be able to have a relationship and I also know what career I want to pursue and I started working, to earn money, to be able to afford studying that. For me the motivation for most of that is the goal of a relationship, indirectly it's 100%. Since I know that I need other motivators than getting a relationship to get a relationship, so also with the help of therapy like I said found something I want to study independetly from a relationship, also I work out, to be healthy and in shape, on one hand, because it just feels good afterwards on the other, because I need to be in good shape to increase my chances. Sorry this kinda turned of topic
Totally agree that friendship and companionship are so unfairly downplayed compared to romantic/sexual relationships! I’ve never understood this. To me, friendship is the most valuable kind of relationship you can have outside of the relationship with yourself. Real friends will challenge you and inspire you without the dependency and expectations of romantic, or even familial relationships. I think it’s ideal to have a strong foundation of friendship with anyone you care about, ESPECIALLY a romantic partner. Never understood people who don’t like hanging out with their bf/gf/spouse???? Like, what is the point then???
I say all this as I’m currently struggling to make new adult friends as a woman at the end of my 20s.🥲 I’m dying to find a community of like minded folks but it’s rough out here. Going to keep trying nonetheless.
I watched a lot of my friends get married and then divorced, over nothing. If you're not planning to have children, then save your money, and take periodic trips to more female/male friendly countries, like in SE Asia.
Hit the nail right on the head. Never been interested on romance since my wee childhood days. Modern dating is bureocratic hellscape, a bunch of terms of service forcefully shoved down my throat. The only relationships that had fulfilled me were all platonic. I heavily value privacy and i need my own space but for many, having a partner automatically overtunes that. Romance is more interesting as a literary tool to explore character dynamics. But in real life? So much investment for half the pay.
I think most of us here would not say no to a romantic relationship if it also contained the elements you stated. But it is hard to find both a romantic partner and a close friend in one person. So you are forced to choose most of the time.
I had never heard about relationship anarchy before, but I've been thinking a lot about the topic of friendships recently. I've seen literal dozens of people (online and IRL) complaining about loneliness, particularly when it comes to friendships, but unwilling to question the role of the nuclear family even a little, hoping that if they wait/try enough, they will find their happy ending, and also unwilling to invest time in their friendships because they are already spent - overworked and by their obligations to their families and relatives (that come first).
I'm Latina and my country prohibits abortion, and it's also an extreme cultural taboo. I don't circulate in liberal/intelligentsia circles due to my location and career, and it's so extreme I can't even advocate it without suffering repercussions. But I'm seeing a lot of women giving up relationships with men due to being disappointed in sex and love and also because ''the child's real parent is only the mother'', a phrase I hear frequently due to solo mothers being forced to raise kids and be the breadwinner of their homes, alone. Since abortion isn't possible, they are choosing not to be with men in the first place (even if they aren't the majority, by any means, I found it interesting when I first saw it).
I also can attest to non-nuclear families in my culture, especially in the working class. It's not uncommon to see relatives, especially grandmothers, helping to raise their grandchildren. But Latino cultures also tend to value ''blood'' A LOT and it's very hierarchical when it comes to parents, so there's also a lot of generational trauma and abuse happening in these dynamics as well, in a lot of cases.
Extended families are the true way to go IMO. The idea of a nuclear family is frankly modern white American garbage. True “family values” extends to all your family, including your family’s family and close friends who were unofficially adopted as family. That’s how it was when our ancestors lived. It’s how single/childless people were able to exist and be cared for in a community even though parents/young children were naturally prioritized. We need to go back to those ways. It isn’t perfect but it’s certainly better than the hyper individualism we have.
reading your comment made me read Filipino family culture.
@@johannesalexandrius5749 That's interesting! I based my comment mostly on my empiric experiences in Brazil, but a lot of people mention similarities between the cultures of these two countries.
Yeah I noticed that too that’s why I refused to date my own race bc of this. I’m adopted so I don’t get indoctrined with this. I can’t stand overaly controlling mother in laws so I know for sure I would fight her tool and nail bc I’m quite violent myself lol im glad my now mother I. Law couldn’t speak English well but she definitely wish I did more tho back then I was an depressed workaholic that even when she told me this I complained to my husband and he agreed and she stopped lol
@@shironerisilk the Philippines ain't called the "Latin nation of Asia" for not a reason. Been colonized by Spain for 333 years, it makes no wonder Filipinos share many similar culture with many Latin American countries
I think many of us have grown up seeing everything bad in family life and marriage that we are drained or even traumatised from it all. Even watching films and music videos that portray happily ever ending romance, we know that it hardly ever happens in real life.
It always bothers me that nearly every "empowering" post/community/philosophy relating to men being willingly single/celibate has to have the stink of "that'll teach them women to not date us" all over it. MGTOW was a nice idea, in theory (in terms of telling men it's okay if you're not successful with women, to not let it eat away at your soul, and to live your best life anyway) but we all know what kinds of people that attracts. I suppose that's due to the "going their own way" implying "we're walking away as a sign of protest".
It's even worse when they try and call it "stoicism".
Not every man wanting to live celibate lives are "protesting women". And those "protesting women" still watch porn or buy prostitutes.
Celibacy is good when the world is as overpopulated as it is.
"Red Pill Rage" is a phase in which all men follow the path that you comment on experience. It's true that all the men who delve into mgtow/Redpill/etc, come into it with a chip on their shoulder, they are bitter, angry even, but is that not justified?
These were generally the guys that weren't the stereotypical chad that were told by everyone they looked up to "jUsT B urSElf" to get gurlz and found that was a blatant lie. People don't like to be lied to generally, especially if it sets them up for failure in an arena as monumental as relationships. There's more to it than the tired old mainstream attitude of "Ugh, they're just loser incels, they should just go die in a hole somewhere."
And if a man can be a woman (& vice versa) if they say they are, who are you to judge that these men call their way of life stoicism? Don't be a bigot.
Yeah, for years we were hearing from women how there aren't any financially viable men around and how they didn't need a man and were ready to settle down. This was way before Kevin Samuels.
Turns out when men try to play by the rules feminists set dating doesn't work at all and most women end up being used for sex non-stop.
I was getting called an incel on Reddit for trying to talk about it but the truth is I've been on tons of dates with attractive women, I'm just looking to have sex with someone I enjoy being around after sex.
You're totally right. They never went "their way". I'm a young man, I've come to known a few of these people and everyone of them were very, very, very interested in what the ones on that "other road" were doing, thinking and loving. It is in fact more of a way to hold a grudge rather than an opportunity to study patriarchy, feminism and themselves. And I feel so sorry.
Let alone the fact that they are obsessed with "bashing feminism" that "ruined women", in a glorious attempt to successfully show the world how they're not acting out of resentment, fear and toxic pressures. There'd be so much to say
I thought MGTOW was an interesting concept when I first heard about it, but I soon came to realize that it was just misogyny with a fresh coat of paint. Personally, I think everyone should choose their own path in life, regardless of what society says, not out of spite, but because it's the right path for them.
Celibacy isn’t a form of conservatism for me, but I totally get how it can be branded as such. I chose this lifestyle after experimenting with monogamous, polyamorous relationships and being single and actively having casual sex.
I don’t believe in casual sex, it’s emotionally draining 99% of the time since the dating scene is so shitty. Celibacy is a form of boundary for myself and other. It’s a space for you to develop relationships without sex as the focus.
You learn so much from yourself + society + relationships and it really gives you an insight of what is it that you’re looking for.
It’s a preservation of your energy = mental and emotional energy, not everyone deserves that intimacy and today’s society has made it the norm to have sex in way that sometimes people don’t see you as a whole person but just a way to get off that day.
Ok don't tell us your life crack
❤❤ love this
Each their own but for guys normally if she doesn't have sex with a guy she definitely doesn't love him the way he wants.
Regardless of people or the dating scene being shitty or not, casual sex is disrespectful masturbation. Just do it alone, don't pretend the other person exists.
I remember one of new coworkers, they and their partners are forming a dual living partnership with their friend and their partner. Both are seperate relationships but forming a loving community together. Ppl don't have to follow traditional norms but we're not bashing it either.
What does she mean by deconstruct the system and it's outdated and unhelpful, if not to bash traditional relationships? And questioning if choice feminism is OK? It seems like while YOU may be fine with consenting, mutually respectful trad relationships, Alice doesn't share this view, unfortunately.
I think the problem with critiquing "traditional" relationships, is that the last 30-50 years of "traditional marriage" were not traditional at all. Rather, they were the product of the Baby Boomers and (to a lesser extent) Gen-x's very recent and modern culture. Real traditional relationships (those which find their value in what has stood the test of time, rather than social experiments of the 20th century) are not at all that which most of our parents and grandparents had. They were often the ones who "rebelled" against the traditions they inherited or simply went along with a watered down version and egoistic of said tradition.
I am, God willing, getting married in 10 days. And most if not all of our family members "traditional" and modern recommended against the notion for some vague sense of the constraining of liberty or modern "folk" knowledge along the lines of "yo haven't been enough dumb and young yet."
Most of these aforementioned adults having a history of toxic relationships and divorce which (most of us young people) are accustomed to -- its unsurprising that many of us choose to go to the other extreme and look "to the future" for relationship advice.
However this future in the form of modern social theory and post-modern writers (as my partner and I couldn't help but see) is exactly what went wrong with the Boomers and the Gen-x-ers. There was no mutual self-sacrifice, no shared beliefs, no reason other than companionship to be together.
Today's "traditional" relationships are anything but. Their a product of late-capitalism and consumerist notions of the family as a vague material and political entity devoid of any spiritual value. Monogamy although being "a vague goal" is routinely broken because the foundation and logic behind it was lost in modernity, and thus is tamer version of today's ever growing polygamic tendencies (be it with overt polygamous relationships, serial dating or the growing casualness of physical intimacy). And the "family" is just a thing people do, there are no deeper beliefs on the value of a structured, secure and ordered private life that encourages mutual growth.
As far as I can tell, if this is true (that is that traditional relationships are really modern), then real resistance is not to follow their example and participate in the logical extremes of the liberality of the last two generations, but rather to go back and seek where and why they failed, and seek what can we do that others in the past have done that could helps us build more fulfilling relationships.
Very interesting! How would you describe that a real "traditional" relationship is like? If our pre conceived notion of "traditional" is based on baby boomers' cultural constructions, then what is actually a relationship?
I have to agree I only know maybe a few examples of what a true mutual marriage is. Many of my friends and people I’ve met throughout my life had horrible family dynamics and divorce after divorce-how can we expect any future generation to uphold a “traditional” marriage if most people never saw it actually work lol
I get the impression that at least part of what worked for past families was that they were more inclusive with the concept. Instead of a nuclear family, they included grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, neighbors, and/or friends, etc.
"deeper beliefs on the value of a structured, secure and ordered private life that encourages mutual growth."
isnt that exactly modernised idea of family?
i mean, technically speaking, if you marry someone bcs you love them - you are already past traditional family. If your family is kept together by things like mutual respect, growth e.t.c. and not by societal pressure - you are already past traditional family.
This was a really interesting read and I think I agree, the marriages (including my parents') that succeeded and found themselves happy throughout were founded on the concepts of mutual self sacrifice, and the desire to build something greater for their next generation, along with mutual goals and culture, along with companionship, but that wasn't the only goal. I think if you get married (or commit long term) to someone only for something as variable and (forgive me) self serving as the feeling of companionship alone, I think it prepares a lot of marriages for failure since people change as they grow, and so too does their idea of a person that provides them the feeling of companionship.
my ex girlfriend wanted to get into polyamory. I have no problem with it on paper but I had too many memories of being picked last in gym class to go in for it
As someone heavily on the aromantic spectrum, I sometimes get worried about what future life will look like, once I'm out of college. Will all my friends leave me behind, short of free time with their family lives? Will I be able to afford the life I desire on my own? And what if I slip off the aro spectrum and find myself old, lonely and full of yearning? (ah, you could have some fun dissecting the implications of those questions... the ageism, the economy...)
But then I remind myself of a few things: so far, I don't actually have trouble socializing, despite having friends who are already busy, and being astronomically busy myself. Then, I simply trust myself to become whatever I need to be in the future. Having no partner and no children, I will have enough time and money to involve myself in a variety of endeavors, where I will have the diversified social life I dream of. Not to mention, of course, that my personal life is varied, interesting and fulfilling on its own. And lastly, if I do find my romantic orientation to shift, well, come on. Surely I won't be the only hot xILF in town. I'll organize a polycule with all the sexy divorcees. (you're all invited)
I hope that works out for you friend. If you have the energy, put extra effort into maintaining those friendships you care about once you leave college, it's super easy to lose touch once the outside world kicks in.
@@Riskofdisconnect For sure I will try my best. Thank you for your kindness :))
me and the girls on our way to the blinkbones xILF function 🏃♀🏃♀
🤭 amazing n true
This girl did her research! I admire how in depth she tackled this complex issue🙌
No she didn't, she claims that capitalism is the reason why the nuclear family was so dominant in recent times, and was pushed in colonies. Rather, it was primarily a consequence of the influence of Christianity. The evidence is that, now that christianism is less influent in western culture, but capitalism has never been as dominant as it is now, we observe a diminishing significance of the nuclear family in Western culture.
In fact, capitalism might be doing the exact opposite, with its emphasis on individual success and financial gain, it tends to prioritize careers , which mean more money flowing from hands to hands, instead of the traditional concept of the nuclear family, which centers on strong family bonds and financial stability, with less emphasis on extreme consumerism.
It is important to recognize that this analysis by Alice seeks to establish a connection between the nuclear family and capitalism,, to make sure that both are seen as evil, because capitalism is seen as the main evil in this particular bubble of the internet, so to consider that advancements in the radical feminist agenda could have been accomplished thanks to capitalism would be inconsistent with the rest of the analysis. But again, remember that feminism has never been as influent as it is now, somehow at the exact same period as this ultra dominant capitalism. It wasn't as influent in most communist/socialist regime, especially not in its current confrontational form. Both capitalism and the modern form of confrontational feminism push a very extreme individualism, so it's absolutely normal that they move side by side.
@@ledernierutopiste feminism pushes the rights and choices of women and that choices are often women not wanting husband and kids. this is not form of very extreme individualism.
@@ledernierutopiste without capitalism, feminism would still exist, it does not move side to side. nuclear family does not centred around strong family bonds, it centers around being dependent on the husband and lack of financial stability for the wife. feminism allows real financial stability in which the money is earned and belongs to the ladies
What research lmao? She was talking about the “demonization,” of single mothers, when in actuality they’re criticized not inherently because they must conform to the nuclear family , but because single mother homes create children who are more likely to end up dropping out of high school, who are more likely to be involved in crime, who are more likely to be school shooters, and who are so overrepresented in jail that most people in jail come from single mother homes.
@@mebeb6399 Radical feminists pushes for women to be able to do any choice, even things that are contradictory. There is very few ideologies out there that would both defend pornstar and the islamic veil at the same time. An ideology that validate every choice of a human being is by definition extremely individualistic. That's literally the definition of the word.
Alice love your video's so much! This one hit really close to home. Being a single mother of two little kids after a 14 year relationship. I live in Belgium but i'm from Nigerian decent. Living in a predominantly white (and relativly conservative) country people in general do not expect me to be such a leftie. I really am tho. When people hear that I ended a fourtheen year relationship. They ask why? Second question is always was he white ? (Yes but what does it matter 🙄!?) He treated me so badly after I fell ill during the second pregnancy and did not look like his trophy wifey anymore. Was paralyzed on one side of my face. He could not bother with helping out for the care of our two very young children and insulted my looks, my cleaning and my attempts to be happy in a very difficult situation. So two months after the birth of our second child I left! He knew it was very important to me that household chores would be divided somewhat equally and most of all, I wanted to be respected as a person. This was never a big probIem before we had kids! Also told him many times in the years we were together that I would not settle for an unhappy relationship to keep up apperances. Still he was so shocked when I left after all if his mistreament. He was not the only one shocked eather! People would call me crazy. A lot of people, my ex-partner, his side of the family, my side of the family, mutual friends were trying to pressure me in to going back. They're reasoning; what about true love? What about happy ever after? You can't just throw away fourtheen years. He loves you, it is just a fase that he is awfull about your looks and not helping out with his kids. It will pass. Stay for the children and for the family because that is true love!! I knew I couldn't be threated that way without dying inside and giving a bad example for the kids. So I left, have costudy of the children, he sees them sometimes in the weekends. For me leaving, and living a happy peacefull life with the two yound kids is my happy ever after!! Not some fake familypicture where you have to endure abuse just so other people would respect you. Yes it is very hard. I lost a lot, including that network I had being a part of the traditional family. But living in a big city I find support in the kind little acts we do as neighbours and I feel a connection in that way. The kids are also very happy with a happy mim. Sometimes I tell myself with a little grin, (told him this to many times). I was never a big Disneyfan anyways 😋!
I can’t believe ur friends and family made u feel that way!!! That’s horrible and I’m glad u find some form of kindness. Wish I could help ya out would love to have my kids to go oaky with I love helping struggling families when I can since I’ve seen too many of my friends struggle with broken families and I’m not very close to my own due to distance so got to form “community” with those around me
I'm sorry to hear that regardless of what political agenda you have
Love this video and topic! I think the isolation our capitalist society has engendered makes us extra vulnerable to romantic ideals marketed to us in media. I'm a late 30s single and somewhere on the ace/aro spectrum. When I'm feeling really connected to my friends I can enjoy a romantic story line as a "oh how sweet, I'm happy for them" - but when I'm feeling disconnected, such stories can get me thinking that my life isn't as full of meaning as most others' .. It's also hard when my not-single friends prioritize their romantic partners and don't have as much time for me. I have to do extra work to stay in touch with them and be prepared for plans to change if their partners need something. That said, I feel fortunate to have friends who will be my emergency contacts and bring me food when I'm sick... I know what it's like to not have that and know that's a reality for many single adults. We really need a societal shift to promote better interconnection and mutual care outside of family relations.
what ace aro
I'm not from West
could somebody explain this to me
@ontheline3077
Aroace is a shortening for the word 'aromantic asexual'
Aromantic means no/little romantic attraction to others
Asexual means no/little sexual attraction to others
One can be aromantic without being asexual and vice versa
Both are also spectrums which means there are aces that have sex and aros that date
(Other aros and aces feel free to correct me)
@@roundabout4727 thanks))
The isolation isn't caused by capitalism. Why do people talk about capitalism like it's some new phenomenon? It's 250 years old. So unless you're arguing that the isolation is 250 years old I'd look elsewhere.
Hint: It's social media that's the new thing.
I know this sounds totally off topic, but I had to acknowledge this 😅. It's truly beautiful how Alice is in touch with French literature and knowledge from thought leaders from her culture. I'm inspired to not only look for content or knowledge from only outside my culture but also from within. There's a great benefit to learning from everyone and not just from a restricted group of people.
The conflation of being "single" and being "celibate" is so strange to me. I've seen a number of people claim celibacy while still engaging in hookups and casual physical relationships.
Cake and eat it
Maybe this comes from her native language french, where célibataire means single. I guess, this meaning stems from the conservstive idea, that sex should only happen in marriage.
You're just witnessing a liar and catching them on their lie is all.
Can have sex and single, I don't see where the problem is
My little sister is aroace, I'm just asexual. She's always make me questions about romance since she isn't familiar with the concept, but there has been a lot of time when I didn't know what to respond, such as why we have to prioritize romantic relationships upon friendship or family, why we think we are uncompleted without a romantic partner. This questions have resonate with me, and I'm looking into single life, because I discover that I want to be a mother but I don't care about to have a husband and then have kids, I just want to be a maternal figure, I don't care about the way it comes...
Great video, really great.
This resonate with me. The Concept of a soulmate does not sit well with me or ever have. I'm thinking about adoption because I want to a maternal figure as well; to put somthing good into this world and be a positive and loving figure in someone's life.
The art of friendships is a wonderfull idea but it seems pple don't value friends at all. The amount of fakeness out here is real and I think it's due to flex culture. most Aroace and ace have been living the single life comfortably but society wants us to feel weird because we are out of the norm; when truly I believe they are the most kind and value positive healthy relationships deeply or that's my experience anyway.
Honestly, I see this mvt having a huge impact on the single/celibate by choice community and the incel community. Rates of domestic violence are on the rise and I feel if we reevaluate healthy relationships on friendship and love, that would be more helpful than becoming celibate. There is a such thing as a healthy sex life, healthy family and what not but most confuse these ideas with tv and think the concept are JUST ideas and most can't make it happen when theyre being fed chaotic an unrealistic relationships through social media and tv. We about to be in some wild times lol but I truly hopes it turns out better than what I'm thinking.
You should try teaching or social work. Mothering people without necessarily being a mother myself (I'm also single and I have no plans or intentions of having a partner) is the most emotionally fulfilling thing for me.
It's funny how in any essay on relationships you can find 10-20 people claiming asexual/aromantic
Even whole families that are. I'm lol'ing because this shit is so obviously forced and manufactured. Never in history would the sentence "me my sister and brother are aroace, asexual, demi-gender what nots"
This crap is totally false consciousness
@@HydeRogen-rs9he Teaching, yes. Social work, no. There's a massive difference between the two. I have had to deal with social workers in a large variety of ways and about 90 to 95 % of them act in extremely horrible ways whenever they can get away with it which is always.
C’est la matrix d’être francophone mais de te regarder parler anglais depuis qq années déjà 😆
Continue tes essais très bien appuyés, commentés et fondés, ça fait du bien à l’âme ❤️
"community becomes the family" - I love that! imagine prioritisation of friendships over romantic relationships. Honestly friendships rule. Lovely video, thank you very much Alice :)) Sending you much love and peace
“Community becomes the family” is actually a big thing to me, because I lived in a nuclear family and essentially never saw my extended relatives. Instead, I grew up with a bunch of other families and kids who became much like extended family to me, whether they be my friends or the kids of my parent’s colleagues. And tbh, I actually feel that encouraging a community to be like a family is healthy for the community, because so many people are friendly towards each other and it just makes the neighborhood safer.
I don't like nepotism. I should be able to succeed by myself.
@@D3xterJettster I agree. The skills you work to develop, dedication and work towards your goal or success, for example towards a dream job, are what determines the opportunities of getting closer towards that dream job or success, rather than purely the connection one may have to the employer of that dream job. I mean, that work is essential to support you towards that dream job literally - and should be what supports you to that dream job, rather than a connection to the employer.
When I say i liked the concept of community becomes family, I meant I value the basic principles of the community possessing basic qualities of inclusive to all members kindness, respectfulness to every members and support to all members, without unfairly privileging certain members.
Thank you for listening, and I wish you great success in the future that is fairly earned by you and your efforts :))
Turning friends into family is a beautiful thing.
Random observation but...
Marriages pre the industrial revolution, often were more *contracts*, "Marry my daughter I give you X you take Y", little room for *relationships*
The moment marriages became a "choice" (allowing relationships to form more easily) for the average (or even in some cases wealthy) person, the only thing stopping them from becoming meaningless was the culture surrounding them, "Don't cheat", "No sex outside wedlock", "Don't talk to women", etc.
It's sort of like how money's value changes with the available supply.
Because if you can just sift through relationships/marriages like garbage until you strike gold, that's all you'll ever do, which doesn't work, you'll never find *the one*, life isn't all sunshine and rainbows (if it was, we'd all be miserable), you work with what you have.
Romance looks differently to everyone, but in America, (generally) its seen as a way to split responsibilities. I know quite a few people who build their relationships out of financial necessity. To those independent single people out there, you have my full respect.
The isolation, alienation, narcissism, pessimism with toxic positivity, rage, confusion, longing, boredom, and bitterness of a screen-addicted population living in late-stage capitalism
I would say relationship anarchy goes deeper than that and rejects the categorizations we make such as "friend" and "lover", instead opting for experiencing each one of our relationships as unique and uniquely valuable. And, of course, it's also a way of seeing individuals as unique and uniquely valuable, which is more inclusive and we badly need that (specially those of us who are currently excluded due to our identities and "unattractive" features such as disability). I was super happy that the video led to relationships anarchy because it is super powerful and essential in our struggle agaisnt patriarchy and capitalism, but very few people ever talk about it!
The other thing I would add as a potential misappropriation of the "single life" concept is reinforcing the individualist mantra present throughout modern capitalism. It does not take a great leap of the imagination to see how "I do not want to engage with toxic dependancy and have my labour exploited under the veil of 'family'" can be corrupted into "I am self-made, wholly independent of society. Any attempts to redistribute my wealth is theft of my labour." If anything, the latter attitude already underpins certain circles of the voluntary celibacy movement. Someone talking about the importance of celibacy to "the grind" is really just saying they do not want a spouce or children acting as a drain on them accumulating wealth.
The nuclear family was not created by capitalism, and existed before it. Overall there was no actuall criticism of modern nuclear families. Monogamy is not boguosie as she suggests, and has existed in countless societies, including primitive ones. It's absurd how she can say that advocating for monogamy and the nuclear family is "not revolutionary" while not showing this supposedly revolutionary way. As if that would be any better. I think she also overestimates how popular the family is today, I don't even know a single young woman who has an interest in having kids. And how is this any less oppressive than working for a private company? I would much rather dedicate myself to another person that I love, than to focus on a boring career. It's absurd to claim that the nuclear family is capitalist, since its the current capitalist system and culture that is destroying it. In the Soviet union they certainly promoted it.
It always annoys me how we think we're taking revolutionary steps (for example celibacy, 'Reinventer L'Amour', sex positivity) when in fact we are just trying to twist what already oppresses us into something freeing or empowering. It does not work that way, we want to keep the aspects of our oppression which we believe we will be punished for if we drop (purity, romance, family, attractiveness to men), to keep us safe. If we dropped all these things we know that we'll be in more danger and more likely to be ostracised from society. Not only that but the aspects we want to keep are the ones that are ingrained in us the deepest and most capitalised on.
The film Close (2022) touches on the idea of societal confusion with closeness by turning a story of young male close friendship into a question of homosexuality, when they were just friends. It's a tragedy that centers around how human life can be collateral, in our need to jump to conclusions and resolve ambiguity with no with little to no evidence to work from.
Like that one South Park episode with Tweek and Craig?
The reasons are simple, a lot of people were stuck in abusive relationships in past the abusive relationships were normalized which made people harder to leave their partners, now as more people has known the mistakes of people of the past less people is willing to repeat them.
That is my story, my first relationship in my 20s started great until over time it became ugly. She wanted things that I just couldn't give her due to losing my high paying job in the 2008 crash. She became violent at times, lashing out and it didn't take long before I walked out. Haven't had a serious relationship since then and don't plan to, relationships just aren't worth the trouble, sure It would be to have kids but I can live without them.
THIS IS IT
That doesn't explain that people are not just increasingly single, but UNHAPPY about it.
@@carlpanzram7081 Not everybody wants to be single long term i'm just saying why divorce rate gone up , the higher expectations could also be a factor why it is harder to find a partner not to mention misandry/misogyny that attached itself to feminism and red pill like parasite.
I'm glad you mentionned relationship anarchy, but I feel this topic would benefit from input from the ideas of allonormativity and amatonormativity, two concepts the asexual and aromatic communities (respectively) talk about in depth.
A recent French book (Le couple et l’argent, by Titiou Lecoq) points out that women’s pay disparity begins at home, where girls usually get less pocket money than boys, and are likelier to receive objects than hard cash as presents. Furthermore, they tend to leave home earlier to get away from familial interference and judgement re their personal lives, while young adult men stay longer rent-free at home getting their laundry done and meals cooked, saving money for the future and with little comment on their love life.
Anyway, it makes me wonder how much of women’s romantic transport is a hopeful search for an ally in getting out from under the familial thumb... the romance of assisted escape from the restrictive family, which is in fact also a big part of romantic fairy tales.
I really see myself in this description
Lmao me
Yes.
than why do most of them go for hot guys, and share them
Young women are much more educated than young men. Women without kids under 30 earn more than men in that category. And now 65%, twice as many men that age are single as women, wonder why.
Lot of food for thought here. The concept of relationship anarchy rings a bell, it makes me think of that periode of emerging adulthood when you see groups of friends where couples are made, unmade, dates, become casual partners ... The myth of the nuclear familly is deeply rooted in our modern societies, but it really is a construction. As it's said : "It takes a village to raise a kid"
Except most "villages" aren't a properly functioning community of like-minded people anymore.
Women without a man fall to the left as it as a political spectrum represents the latent freeform chaos and "acceptance" of the female nature. Men without a woman fall to the right as it as a political spectrum represents the latent to desire for power, order and control.
A lot of the points in this video felt closely linked with the feelings of the aspec community (aromantic, asexual, agender)
It would be really nice to see a video that links to our perception of love and romance!
TH-camr Tara Mooknee has a video on Amatonormativity, in case you're interested.
i think relationships are fine in real life. Internet culture is one hell of a drug.
every statistics show that they have never been as bad as they are now, there has never been as much single people, never been as much people not interested in relationships
Remantic relationship with a woman is the most humiliating gay sh*t a man can do
@@ledernierutopiste because we never went this long without wars requiring massive losses.
Your experiences are not universal. Relationships have been uncomfortable for me AT BEST.
@@theeccentric7263 Sorry to hear that. I hope you find someone worthwhile.
One of the most toxic ideas to relationships is the idea of the soulmate.
That part on hopeless romantics was interesting. I always associate that term with justifying one's own flaws rather than their partners' flaws.
You’re a gem. Your videos are so healing and give me hope 🥰
Those collective community centers reminds me of the old saying "it takes a village to raise a child". I think if we can return to that village, we can find greater joy in living. Insular family units wouldn't be spreading their own resources so thin because both parents need full-time or overtime work to survive and the kids have x, y, z activities.
I see no contradiction here. In most ofhuman history people were living and raised in their communities rather then in just single nuclear household
We need to change how we are living in so many ways..
Shareholder capitalism is devouring the world's resources, the world is swimming in the waste left over from the ravages of our socio-economic system, meanwhile people in developed countries are enslaved through debt, the patriarchy rails against women's autonomy as a means of regaining control and forcing population increase to keep feeding the capitalist machine - which requires ever increasing consumption and production in order to remain quasi-stable.
Democracy is not possible until actions speak louder than money.
I fully believe it takes a village to raise an emotionally healthy child. Look at all the stress and strain in our lives. So much mental illness is caused by childhood trauma that wouldn't have happened but for the environment in which the child is raised.
Empathy is key. Kindness. Compassion. A helping nature. A neighbourly attitude.
How do we change this culture of apathy, consumerism, misogyny and narcissism?
the funny thing is rising a child in a village go agaisnt the individualism that you love so much.
@@alpacacomentadora413 uh, no it doesn't. Children need to be allowed to express themselves and to separate and individuate - community child rearing would encourage this rather than being an attachment of a toxic parent.
Unrelated to what you said, but there is a second half to that saying. " a child who does not feel warmth from the village, will burn it down to feel that warmth"
gay Australian man here - have been inching into voluntary celibacy for some time now. I find modern dating utterly exhausting and "toxic" for lack of a better word. I'm focussing on me. Maybe someone special will come along, and I do have spontaneous sex from time to time, but I'm not foisting all my conceptions of happiness on "finding true love", nor validation through hookup culture with seems to be a checklist of unrealistic or shallow traits which I am guilty of perpetuating when I participate in it.
I'm working on readjusting my expectations that "love cures all", that romantic love is some permanent phenomenon and am beginning to channel my energy into becoming an individual who fills up my own cup of joy with a lot of love to give to my close friends, parents and siblings who I can love unconditionally. There's work to do on overcoming a lot of expectations around "loneliness", but I'm finding increasing equanimity in it every day, and the foundations I build now will carry me to my final days.
I have best friends, a mix of straight and queer men and women, who I love incredibly deeply and give me the kind of emotional intimacy that fulfils me. Some of them share a similar mindset to me, others among them who I see struggle with dating and loneliness and whom I impart some of my perspectives with. They are so worked up about finding a partner to get married to and have children with and when that's not happening, it leads to a profound sadness within them. Either way, I'm always there for them and they are always there for me (within reason of course) and that's all I need.
i read this whole comment in an aussie accent
My favorite video essay by you thus far. I've often thought about how destructive amatanormativity - which I find is what you were speaking to in this video - is a construct that destabilizes connections across our communities, both immediate and extended. RA appealed to me precisely as a philosophy of how I frame and would like to move through the world. I learned a lot today and will absolutely be checking out the references and books on here. Some of these have been on my list for some time, Le Deuxieme Sexe, Reinventer L'amour, and All About Love but it's about time I go and buy some copies. I also think rejecting these notions of the nuclear family is a practice in resistance of capitalist growth by not participating in the systems that uphold unsustainable systems for our mental, social, and environmental wellbeing(eg larger implications to labor force,GDP, and engaging in consumerism by participating in amatanormativity). This is an incredibly well research video and I want to express thanks for packing in so much into such little time.
November 2019 I ended a relationship that I considered the “last straw”. I forced myself to stop dating and go celibate for 2 years. Probably one of the best decisions I’ve made. Now I’m picky about who I give my time to and I don’t compromise on my values. No more ignoring red flags and trying to change people.
Spend some time alone people, like really alone. Really take the time to figure yourself out while you’re alone too. Whether you believe it or not you are at fault for your shitty relationship experiences too.
Right off the bat, I related to the "child regret" section, through the eyes of people I know. It makes me sad when I see friends of mine settle down and have kids - and then realize that it wasn't for them after it was too late to do anything about it. I've noticed that it comes from pressure from the parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles constantly asking the mother-to-be "when are you going to have kids?" (As you can guess from my last name, I come from a BIG family lol).
That feeling fades. What never goes away is the anguish of being infertile.
@@off6848does it fade or do people just repress it?
@@branthlysauveur359 which one? I don’t know many people who openly say if they could take back their kid they would and if they do they’re generally called self absorbed assholes rightly so.
What? All I've ever heard from my friends who became parents is that it's the most fulfilling and meaningful responsibility they have ever taken on.
I was so happy to see you've mentioned Geoffroy de Lagasnerie! I actually found out about him from an article about his friendship with Edouard and Didier, that Edouard wrote, it really moved me at the time. PS your videos are great, thank you for all the research and work you do 🌱
I don’t think the argument for celibacy from a spiritual lens is always about purity. Lots of people will talk about how sex is an energetic exchange. If someone doesn’t have “positive energy” so to speak, or if you are giving your energy to them through this exchange and they are giving back, “toxic” energy, the exchange will end up feeling bad for you. Which is why I think lots of people find hook up culture to be exhausting, draining, lonely, etc. feeling emptier after the exchange than they were before. Because you’ve given your energy and you’ve gotten nothing or worse in return. I’ve heard others even say you take on someone’s “karma” when you have sex with them. So anyways, I don’t think the celibacy movement is about “purity” or “cleansing,” but rather “protecting your energy” from draining interactions. Either way, very interesting and well-researched video/commentary as always 🫡
Voluntary celibacy is often reccommended to people in therapy until they get their life in a place where they're stable enough independently to build a healthy relationship
I'm a virgin and proud of it, don't rush into a relationship, always take your time kings 🗿🍷
We did it reddit 🥹🙏
your personality is "virginity"? Why do you care so much about it. Literally no one in real life will ask you "are you a virgin?", this is all internet mentality. Enjoy your life, your personality is not 1 thing, it's a collection of many expiriences
sounds strange tbh . but you do you
@@morbid1. many of us on the religious spectrum value it as something that should only be given up once in a loving marriage as it can be seen as a sign of purity as well that’s why many of will only marry a person who is a virgin
@@morbid1.Chill out man
thanks for the video! you’ve put together a lot of the things that I’ve been on to lately as I’ve broken up with my bf in march, we’ve been dating for 7 years, then straight got into a strange dynamic situationship thats also ended not so long ago
just wanted to add that many times it’s not just the societal pressure that makes us get into those traditional relationship thing but also the mental issues and disorders, traumas that make it hard and sometimes almost impossible to tolerate the feeling of loneliness and emptiness that for many people (and it can be the case of the hopeless romantics) comes with being single. traditional relationship provide you with the notion of security and stability and it can be really hard to break the circle of serial monogamy and actually face your mental struggles
My family has always pressured me into relationships, and I'm so happy that you decided to talk about this subject.
The theme of friendship seems to me, living in the U.S., very old-fashioned. Most people don’t have friends. And the low-income people with “broken families” around here rely precisely on their relatives, not on mutually supportive friendship networks.
I never really understood this strange seperation between romantic relationships and friendships. There are basically two options: completely platonic or romantic, sexual, and exclusive. Why?
Everybody has individual wants and needs. Why do we expect that this is a one-size-fits-all solution? Let's take me for example. I am a mild autism case, which means that I experience a lot of things differently and have needs that differ from most other people. But many people get weirded out by open communication and negotiating about the rules, boundaries and needs in a relationship.
Why do we need to put people with vastly different wants and needs in this narrow corset of rules?
Nature. Men aren't going to invest in a woman too far if she's sleeping with other men. This is a safe guard in nature to prevent cucking and resource diversion. It is natural and the way things should be. If anything society needs more closing in far less opening up in order to function. Enjoy the decline
"romantic" relationships included children in the past so the exclusivity was needed and expected, while we seperated sex from offspring conception physically psychologically we did not
Platonic relationships on the other hand are built overtime usually due to mutual non-sexual benefits.
Excluding sex, mainly the difference is the time you spend with and how you deep go with.
Basically, your romantic relationship partner is your BFF who you promise to they and they to you too that you'll be there for they, to take care of their worst problem and moment.
Most people in a long term relationship naturally want their partner to be with only them and love them, cause that is what ensures the children get raised with a dedicated family, and it ensures that he kids are actually the mans. Lve exists to ensure that humans have kids and take care of them together.
@@darklazerx7913 Well... not really, according to anthropologists.
Many ideas of what is most natural about love, sex and relationships carry a strong cultural bias. Monogamy is pretty rare among mammals to begin with. Research suggests that monogamy wasn't the norm in early humans until the rise of agriculture. Monogamy probably helped keep a certain stability because their was less competition through a more equal distribution of possible mates. This helped it persist as an aspect of culture, not nature. And that explains how our idea of love and relationships could change so much throughout the ages: It is only loosely based on our biology.
And let's be honest, it's not love that ensures that humans have children. That's the job of our sex drive. But the cultural aspect of monogamy can provide some benefits (preventing infighting and infanticide for example). And as these benefits aren't really needed as much in modern times, it makes sense that many people drift into some sort of serial monogamy or alternative relationship styles like open relationships or polyamory.
I worry about the future generation now that my own generation (gen z here) seems to be not too genuine and getting more worse. I can’t tell if they’re being true to themselves, or just being deep into the layers of irony. It’s like getting rare to find someone genuine which makes me get pushed closer to being a loner still
I’ve been single for over 5 years. I’m not interested in changing that.
Been single my entire life and same. ❤
cope
@@EatMoreCarbs256 male 💀
@@sincityisbreezy444 me as well
@@EatMoreCarbs256sex/romance addict
every video you upload is just so great!!! only wish they lasted longer!! thank you for sharing your videos, truly love them.
I'm a person heavily involved in my local anarchist community. This topic is often touched on, especially since many of my friends are polyamorous. I've actually tried it myself and found out the hard way that it doesn't work for me at all. I understand your message and see how these "traditional relationships" can be harmul to the society. However, I've learned that prioritizing friendships over romantic relationships, or even giving them equal attention does not make me as happy as being "devoted" to a romantic partner. I suppose it's because it's just hard to reach that level of closeness and mutual understanding with friends, versus someone you plan to spend your life with and share many daily activities. What are your thoughts on this?
I never understood the point of ‘planning to spend your life with someone’ and therefore thinking that that’s the relationship worth investing in. You can have multiple lifelong friendships with people who will help you at any point. While romantic relationships are very black and white, one day they are there and the next day they abandon you completely. Less emotionally charged relationships (friends) are more valuable because they are your safety net.
i think being drawn towards a more monogamous relationship is completely natural, it's different for everybody. while i do think it's possible to find the same amount of fulfillment from a platonic or non-traditional relationship as a traditional romantic one, i also understand that other people value different things in a relationship. for example i'm aromantic so it might be a little easier for me to let go of these ideals, but it doesn't make you any less a part of your community for finding meaning and importance in romantic relationships! there's no harm in valuing these relationships if they make you happy. it only becomes a problem when one type of relationship is seen as the only option, while simultaneously perpetuating capitalist ideals, which only happens when we fail to ask ourselves the right questions.
@@Halloween0sweetSome of us want families and children of our own and I highly doubt our friends will be able to provide that. Not to mention sex.
To each their own, is my thinking. Your desires are as valid as those of the people around you. The important thing is that you have realised this, so you can go for it. ❤
@@ilikepancakes2368 Especially if you're planning children its just selfish and irresponsible to focus on one person in your life. Sex point I dont get, you can do that without fully focusing your life on that person. But when it comes to children, couples that don't have strong friendships (as in people from outside the relationship) are either miserable or highly rely on their elderly family (which not everyone is lucky to have). I wasnt saying don't get into relationship, I was saying it shouldn't be your priority over friends, its obv better to have both. Unless you're a millionaire and you can pay a therapist to talk to you, and maid to take care of you then go off.
I've been in a celibate close relationship with my creative partner for about 11 years now. We don't live together but we do see each other pretty much every weekend and work on projects, which include short films, art shows, photographs, writing and paintings. So, we are extremely fruitful as a couple, just not in the traditional sense of the word. No one else really understands it, especially our respective family members, but they've come to some level of reluctant acceptance about it, because we're clearly not "breaking up" any time soon.
Isn't that just called friendship
He stays over on the weekends. There is some romantic component to it, but we don't have sex. None of my other friends stay over and neither one of us is as close to anyone else as we are with each other. We don't seek outside relationships because it wouldn't be as harmonious or satisfying overall. I don't expect regular people to understand, but it's definitely more than "just friendship."
@@Chloe2000mm thanks for clarifying. I was always of the opinion, that exclusivety is the biggest difference between a relationship and a friendship. Super glad you are happy together
@@Dimitris_Half yes it's is kind of a slumber party, but it's also a relationship, unless your definition of a relationship must include sex. I do tell others, if they ask, that I am single because it's just too hard to try and explain it. I've joked before that asexuality is the last frontier in social acceptability. We definitely fit the description "celibate by choice" because both of us would have options if we chose to take them, but we don't.
@@konradvonschnitzeldorf6506 thank you. Yes, we have been faithful. Oddly enough, we've outlasted most of the straight couples we know.
I've watched a few of Alice's videos (recently discovered her through a Oliviasun video) and despite my finding her videos very interesting and insightful, I feel somehow very annoyed by them.
I'm reminded of a sociology class I took in University were we learnt 'critical theory', which taught us to be critical of race (the infamous critical race theory), class, gender, and so on.
One of the examples used by my then lecturer to apply critical theory was searching the term 'pregnant' on Google and viewing the images. The images were overwhelmingly of white women, with few of any other race (nowadays it's more diverse actually, which makes me happy for some reason). Anyway, this was kind of where our analysis ended. I recall my classmates being shocked and appalled at what to them might have seemed obvious discrimination, but I had a 1000 more questions. At the end of the lecture I went and asked my lecturer one of these questions. I asked something like 'how do we know that there is an actual problem here if we don't consider who uses google and the demographics of said population'? She shrugged her shoulders and said that the point is just that we notice these things.
While I'm very thankful for that lesson, it was and still is shocking to me that a lot of people use a 'critical theory' schema (or any similar worldview) to view everything they see, without going into any data or considering any other perspective.
Alice's analysis reminds me of this. It always comes from a feminist perspective, with particular emphasis on intersectionality and being revolutionary. While I appreciate that this is the content she makes and in consequence the content her audience wants to see, it makes her analysis feel disingenuous. This is the reason I fell out with creators like Ben Shapiro and Candace Owens, they never concede any liberal point and always argue from a conservative worldview.
Maybe I'm naïve and/or misinterpreting Alice's message, but I feel that 'arguing from a position' (like how you would in a formal debate) is less valuable than 'arguing for truth' (like how a detective would try to find out the 'truth').
If you read this Alice, I'd love to know your thoughts on the above.
Alice doesn't really use material analysis. She refuses to understand the concept of "the cycle of abuse" and instead prefers carceral feminism, which is antithetical to intersectionality. Carceral feminism is racism with a feminist veneer. Feminism has A LOT to answer for, for sweeping these things under the rug and pretending to care about minorities and being about actual gender equality.
I have never seen someone put my feelings in words so perfectly like this
thank you
Critical race theory is a legal study, so what you went over was not the same thing.
You're not naive brotha you see through the stinking pile. Empty your mind of useless factoids and let wisdom in. The ancients knew that its better to have a mind like a neat tool box than a hoarders hut.
Olisunvia is dumby gorgeous to its a crying shame about her feminist brain infestation lol but she's not this bad at least
13:00; Interesting take regarding “relationship Ankara by.” I’m Nigerian-American Muslim. I’ve attended Desi, Arabs and African weddings. Part of the appeal/purpose of marriage is to INCREASE social capital and strengthen both extended families’ networks. It’s very outward and community facing. People will unironically explain their relations saying “I’m the brides fathers cousins wife” as a way to show closeness.
Feminism made me more prone to celibacy. At one point I understood that the way I was engaging with sexuality was objectifying, and so I stopped engaging with it in that way, which made me much more cautious with how I engage with sexuality. I much more prefer not to have sex than to reproduce patriarchal sexuality.
Never heard of the word cuckold? I believe it might suit you well.
I am a right wing male, and I have also come to the conclusion that frivolous sexual contact is unhealthy and objectifying. Note I said "come to" rather than decided. It was as a result of my experiences and emotions.
That’s strange, most liberals claim that being sexual is liberating and empowering rather than objectifying themselves
@@selmasuleyman9966 maybe both can be true, for other people. In my case it certainly wasn't so
@selmasuleyman9966 not true. You miss understand the movement. Being sexual can be empowering for some, but it's not for everyone and that is okay. What we want is for people to not be judged or feel ashamed for doing certain things in bed or for being with certain people in a 100% consensual manner.
When I was pushing 50, I finally found enough balance to tell women goodbye for good. It was truly a great relief. It is quite unsafe and inconvenient to live alone, but there is PEACE
My partner of 28 years died when I was 49. 10 years later and I have not dated nor been tempted to. Nothing to do with a romantic ideal of eternal love and fidelity, its just more peaceful
I remember! it was in the video about the new age french cinema (I think; I forgot the term but I remember it talking about the themes around women, how they were portrayed and touched up a lil on eurocentricism????). I mostly remember it because I dunno french but have been reading literature surrounding or referencing the French revolution (BASTILLE DAY IS FAST APPROACHING! Gonna celebrate that in the US)
Also, I ended up reading "all about love" by bell hooks because you and Khadija Mbowe referenced it in your videos. Thank you! At this point I'm kinda following you guys more to get literary references (Check out "feminism for the 99%" by Aruzza, Bharracharya and Fraser if you have time!!! (if it's not done already 🤨))
" I do not avoid women, Mandrake, , but I do deny them my essence..." - General Jack D. Ripper, Dr. Strangelove.
That movie is a lot funnier when you know that the actor playing Ripper was a card carrying member of the Communist Party and personally fought alongside Yugoslav communists during WW2.
I love the way you say “thing” 🥰
Dating has basically changed a lot within the last 10 years. It's more challenging now. Due to Isolation, dating apps, hookup culture, standards/expectations.
There's so much input people dont know how to navigate it. So some folks opt out.
How is being a family a bourgeois idea? I’m confused.
I think the reason why celibacy is more common today is simply, sexual gratification became commodified, men are addicted to porn, women mostly date the same pool of men, men and women were taught that family life is boring and unfulfilling, men and women work or study until their mid thirties, people have been told the world is awful so why bother having a family, the new generation is awkward as all hell so their social and flirting skills suck, digital hobbies have taken over people’s found time like playing League, or scrolling on social medias, people have been told that sexual gratification on the short term is liberating and should be encouraged, bubbles on the internet pop up anything between men hating women as well as women hating men, political conversations have became a staple therefore inherently divided unless you live in an echo chamber, people have also been sold this idea that family must inherently be fun and amazing-the same as relationships and when people engage they realize it takes work, commitment, communication, and willingness to be there no matter what as well as good faith in your partner but since internet and sexual relationships can be all fun and no strings people gravitate to the less demanding work. Everyone was sold a bill of goods wether it was romance or nihilism, both are dumb, both fkn useless. Forcefully being in a relationship doesn’t help, and staying celibate cuz you believe it grants you more freedom are both child-like ideals.
The analysis in the video seems like it’s lacking a lot of empirical data.
I’m not here to promote the family dynamic, people can do wtf they want. It just seems kinda lame to just go “friendships are more important” or “family is most magically wonderful fairy tail romance and prince charming is real”.
My g, ask any successful couple, nobody’s perfect. You got issues, shes got issues, hes got issues.
I think/hope I saw air quotes at 14:23, as I have for a long time thought "and they lived happily ever after" is one of the most destructive phrases in human society and as an urban progressive I think I'm sorta unconsciously practicing a form of relationship anarchy, but as a middle-aged guy raising two kids full-time by myself I bristle at anyone calling this family I've made by sheer force of will alone "broken".
where is the mother though
in my country single Men can't adopt children. Cases like yours are mostly widowed guys
@@ontheline3077 they're probably just split up my dude.
@@Riskofdisconnect and a man got a full custody? Can't imagine that in here. In Russia it can happen only if the mother is a criminal of sorts
@@ontheline3077 it's true in the U.S. as well that custody disputes often favor the mother, but fathers get primary custody about 1/6th of the time, it's not too uncommon.
It's the same over here that it often requires the mother to be shown to be neglectful or otherwise unfit, but it does happen.
@@Riskofdisconnect in Russia its even harder since more than 80 percent of judges are female.
What a brave new world we will leave to those that come after us.
The outward-inward distinction (13:40) between friendships and traditional romantic relationships is an insightful observation!
"We have to avoid the lazy answers, therefore, the ones that are conservative"
This really sums it up
Good video and thanks for remembering what celibacy means. What I dislike the most about this whole idea of "purity" is its inequality regarding expectation on men and women, particularly with an emphasis on the latter.
p.s.: I hope the Project Verdragon succeeds, despite the attacks of fearful bigots.
Meh, impiety is much worse. This society is over the master has fooled the masses into rebelling against the trifecta of love itself. There is no revolution without evolution and there is no evolution in all of these genetic dead ends. The uptick in asexuality and celibacy is an unconscious reaction to a broken society, that is to say completely, utterly and wholly manufactured. Reactionary
Single by choice. Celibacy is freedom. Trusting people is a luxury.
I was watching a piece about how this Asian woman was struggling to get into a prestigious university, in spite of her exemplary resume. They said it had something to do with the essay part of her college application. I was thinking that, because of her amazing qualifications on her resume it would be very much worth it to accommodate her needs in the workplace. I think they are doing that to some degree already, because I am seeing a lot of women in prestigious jobs - doctors, bank presidents, financial analysts, and so on.
Career is not the epitome of our potential as human beings. We work to live, and not the other way around.
Yes is getting harder but our program gives us a hard time at first when we denied it...
Really don't know what to do so, I might just let the pan out of my hand and see what's going to happen next.
Good vid
Good lord. The intent behind promoting family structure isn’t to subjugate women, it’s necessary for the survival and well being of the species.
What kind of backwards world are we living in where we find fault in the devotion of helping others?
But it does subjugate women, so it doesn't really matter what the intent is, the fact is that it is harmful.
@@NeverUseAnApostrophe How does raising a family subjugate women?
@@NeverUseAnApostrophe No it doesn't. Stop being so full of yourself.
@@NeverUseAnApostrophe Marriage saved wahmen. 200 years ago and beyond ie prior to the industrial revolution people lived in extreme poverty. Life was hard and over 50% of children died at birth.
The world was a far more lawless place and in many societies familial revenge was common. In addition predation from wild animals (bears, wolves, crocodiles, wild dogs etc), disease, environmental disasters (floods, fires, etc, etc) and conflict with neighbouring tribes was very common.
Living in the dirt wahmen were nothing but a high cholesterol meat sandwich for a hyena, bear or other predator. Even more likely you were to be raided by another tribe and taken captive. Warrior Aboriginal tribes in Australia would kill the males from lesser tribes and take their wahmen by force. If the wahmen refused they would be speared through the face.
Life was harsh and unpredictable especially for pregnant wahmen. The protection of wahmen via a strong man's resources was essential for her survival. Marriage of whatever form was the best way of ensuring her survival. Marriage benefitted wahmen!
This is an interesting topic to me. I'm in a relationship but the idea of intentional singlehood has always had some appeal to me. It feels like heterosexual relationships especially are becoming more and more fraught with the rise of rhe manosphere, and people just generally having a hard time adjusting to changing gender roles.
When I listen to these problems I'm always like: in our life it's important to know ourselves and what we like and what we don't like. I am sure that social pressure is a huge thing but come on, everyone has the duty to work on their personality and to get in intimate touch with what we want and what we don't want. Sociology focuses too much on these social-deterministic things and too little on the personal efforts everyone has to do in order to live a happier life.
Yeah, society values something fake (or at least not valid for everyone)...so what? It's our life and we choose to conform to a standard the main problem is ours: we will end up living a miserable life. If you like romantic love go for it. If you like being alone, go for it. If you want kids, go for it. If you don't want them, go for it. Are we adults or not?
Im blown away by the quality of your content. Keep it up!
Alice, thank you for your videos. They are so well researched, and thought provoking. Even when I'm unsure of what you say, or disagree with you entirely, I'm so appreciative of the work you put into these videos!