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Remember, growing up with narcissists, we’ve become comfortable in that environment. It’s really difficult to go against that feeling. I’m very uncomfortable with “healthy” people.
Me too…..working very hard at this! During Covid I detached from 3-4 female narcissistic friends….due to narcissistic family system….now have been alone quite awhile, but determined to create healthy relationships of all kinds
I feel this! My whole life was this! Until I started reprocessing and healing my trauma, but the fear of “picking” unhealthy people is still alive and so I still isolate and am on guard with everyone. 😩
It's very true. I wish I understood a long time ago how to protect myself. A narcissistic family trains us to be vulnerable to manipulation. It takes time and energy to overcome this training.
When I first became friends with the neighbour who is now my healthiest and dearest friend - I was frustrated by how long it took to get to the deeper more intimate topics. I told my therapist about this who told me “congrats! You’ve found a healthy normal safe person to be friends with. This is how healthy people form connections - they take more time for trust to develop. Learn to slow down!” She was absolutely right. I’m so glad she told me that because I had no idea.
Yes, that may be true but it is also true that it is a cultural thing. There are more open cultures and less open cultures. That should also be taken into account.
And from potential partners, particularly if you’re not that physically attractive. That’s how they reel you in - make you feel like a Goddess, flatter you etc etc, then abandon you when YOU need THEM.
Lovebombing can take many forms. An ex-narc "friend" that used to exploit me used food to lovebomb. "Hey look at all the food i brought to your home. Now I can legitimately exploit you". Of course they don't actually say that. But that's their transactional nature.
This is why I have no friends. I'm tired of all the DRAMA. I love being alone. I love having a DRAMA FREE life. People are not safe, people cause lots of problems.
Me as well, my little daughter is my friend even if she doesn’t understand adult stuff, I talked to her, smile with her and go out with her where I can go with her for kids, the leftover I talked to God on my bed or don’t talk just listening meditation song on TH-cam. I am really patient with people right now, no rush on anything
I feel for you, I do get that it all feels too hard sometimes. But at the same time I don't agree fully - people also bring so much grace and value, humour and inspiration. I can't imagine that I'd have survived my background if I hadn't allowed in new friends, as well as maintaining some of those friendships for 30+yrs. By some miracle they've stuck by me. Friendships trigger me too, but probably no more than I trigger myself! I hope you'll give people a chance someday. Take care.
I agree, in a way. After doing a lot of work on trauma, shame, attachment, grief, boundaries, etc., I think in my case it's a stage of recovery, and I'm comfortable with it taking as long as I need it to. I also did a digital detox and got my dopamine levels under control. What I would say is please don't take on any shame for whatever your recovery requires.
This is a great topic. Met a new poss female friend recently, ….. who within a very short time asked me for 4000 cause she knew I was comfortable financially … she didn’t get it. Then she asked me to watch her very young baby for 2 hours … she went missing for 8 hrs. She showed who she was and I believed her … so I cut her from my life like a cancerous growth
I had a friend for many decades and after I distanced myself from most of my family I realized I needed to distance myself from her abusive tendencies. She was critical of so many things about me and seemed in competition to everything. I like my 🕊️ peace of mind more than I needed them.
"Friendship with a gentleman feels much like insipid water" goes a Chinese saying. Seen in this context, love bombing is definitely a huge red flag! Like excited hounds on a hunt, when love bombers close in on a targeted prey, it's all systems go! Time to run faster-not stop to say Hello!
Always look the relationship a person have with their parents to see if they have toxicity behaviours, patterns or disorder. Don’t listen the words, watch the actions.
This man is so emotionally intelligent he is a brilliant teacher and so wise .. his soft voice has a clarity that not many speakers have .. I have learned so much from him because he has the ability to slow down the chaos that overwhelms people with childhood trauma . I admire and feel such gratitude when his videos pop up they feel so authentic . 😊
Excellent advice! Learning to be alone and take your time getting to know people feels really good .Not being available all the time to a new friend will also show you who they are.
My issue is 100% the impatience. I keep putting myself out there to meet new people but a lot of them are self absorbed. I have met one good friend in 4 years of trying to make new friends. I have to be ok with that.
@@janec1489yes, this has been really frustrating and resonates with me. Is there a national group like toastmasters except instead of brushing up on one’s public speaking, it teaches interdependence in communication? I would go. Maybe meet some people who want better relationships/friendships and are willing to work at it. It would probably be fun too. Get some guest speakers in between workshops? Maybe a co-op or donations to pay speakers? Have it at a park so it was low cost or free for those who are struggling? 🤷♀️
I good friend is all you need. I get some good social interactions doing volunteer work, if you go to a group where you've all got a common interest/ passion, you can have fun with a wide range of people 👍
Ending relationships with friends is so difficult. I find it even more difficult making new friends with people who are not severely mentally ill… You know what I mean. But as I keep trying and taking baby steps, I’m slowly developing some new healthy friendships. My new eyes are working really good! Don’t give up! I’m in my 5th year of healing and I’m feeling more confident in my choices.
I believe he has a video on how to improve our level of emotional safety for others; that will be what you want to work on. When we are wounded, it can be difficult to see how we are unsafe for others. I did not know both sides of a behavior, what it looks like when others do it and what they are feeling/experiencing when they do it, or when I engage in the behavior, how I experience that, and how others perceive me. All of that was disconnected, I discovered. It actually helped me SO much with my confidence in the face of manipulation attempts, oddly enough. ETA - it helped because I knew more about emotional safety, and what that is, and when it is available. I knew that I was striving to be emotionally available, while they were clearly not. I was able to check myself more rationally, with external resources (definitions of safety/availability), and I was able to more proactively work on the specific aspects that I needed more skill in (Lack of modeling!). I feel a lot better in myself and about myself. Other's uninformed opinions and moral judgements were much less relevant to me, when I learned more.
@@TMH792 I think the most widespread blinders at this moment are those to emotional safety, because prior generations did not prioritize it. Not many of us (especially not here, watching Tim) grew up with mature emotionally available adults. So unavailability is reframed as normal. We never quite know what is missing, because it's one of those abuses regarding what a caregiver *failed to provide.* A person could have easily missed learning the skills necessary to even be available for safe connections in the first place. Until we become emotionally available with our own selves, we aren't able to do it for others in a consistent way. It is a process; like Tim mentions. At one point, we are healthy enough to know the super toxic folks that need to be cut out, but not quite aware enough to know which red flags we are waving ourselves. So it is difficult to create healthy relationships in this phase. They see us and know to walk the other way before we even notice them. Their healthy families warned them that there are some people, certain patterns specifically, that are best to not get involved with. I had no clue. I was in shock at how many eligible bachelors came out of the woodwork in the same tiny town, after I spent a few years working on myself. 😂😅
another red flag, from my experience, is the decision that "sure this is an unhealthy interpersonal relationship, but this is all i deserve so i may as well live with it."
I’m afraid I’m currently in a relationship right now where that’s the case. The best part is we both have been like “oh wow, I’m actually being treated well” but I can tell this is probably not a safe and healthy relationship due to both of us being so wounded.
When my therapist brought up “safe enough” it completely changed how I went into situations and helped me tremendously as opposed to 100% safe. GOD is 100% safe! Amen to that, so many good comments on this thread! 🙏🏼
I feel the same, although there are many people safe. The confusion part is the worst, when you notice some tiny unsafe behaviours and think to yourself "is this just a normal flaw or I am demanding perfection?". People and life are complicated with this cptsd lenses but God will make us safe if we put the effort into changing our "glasses".
The last one, the one about sharing similarities is such a good point! I fall for this, thinking that because we agree on something or find similar things in common means that I can see this as a friendship. No. It doesn't mean that. Relationships stand the test of time and encourage you to be who you are. It allows discussion and a difference of opinion or belief. It doesn't mean that because you agree on something, all things will come together. It's not that automatic.
So wise...I have this new "friend" who in every conversation is saying...."cause you know me and you are so similar, we think so much alike" but I differ on this one big issue around setting bou diaries and what forgiveness means which he isn't ok with and he brings up religion and examples of Christ's action which aren't accurate to the situation. He "appeals to authority" to make his point. It's ok to disagree but I find it very strange how he goes about it. I'm trying to slip away.
The problem was that for years, I didn't even know that I should look for red flags in others. Naivety cost me relationships, years, etc. They will have you totally isolated before you even know they are narcissists and criminals.
Exactly. Raised by a narc Mom. I would know a 'red flag' if it hit me in the head. Had no idea what 'normal' was and 40 years ago there were no counsellors or therapists teaching this. All I know is I wanted someone opposite to my mother because I knew there was something really wrong with her. So.....instead of my religious, vulnerable and neglectful narc mother, I married a grandiose malignant narc man. Same disorder, expressed differently.
Beware of total strangers who take a quick interest in your personal life. They may have bad intentions. Don't be so desperate to be liked and accepted by everyone that you spill your guts to the first person who will listen. That makes you an easy target for manipulaters.
This is my life! I’m at the connecting with myself stage ….realizing my 9+ yrs of healing will be for naught if I return to narc dynamics in relationships of all kinds …..nope!
Thank you for the explanation about oxytocin release. I could never wrap my mind around why I have seemingly surrounded myself with people who have very similar traits as a very problematic person from my early life.
When I was figuring out who I was as a teenager at church and expressing myself with music, fashion, hair color etc. I had many people approach me to tell me about the ways I should change myself to be more "in line" with the culture at the church. All these people told me how they personally stifled themselves to fit in better and I should too because my individuality irked them. I love who I am now and I love who I was then. A group that criticizes you for not looking or behaving just like everyone else in the group is not a safe place.
I actually have a tactic of sharing a low stakes boundary up front. A narcissist will violate it repeatedly in short order. Run don’t walk or go full grey rock wall.
Thank you for this. Looks like I am on the road to healing. Current relationships developing slowly, even with me setting boundaries. Connecting with being present with myself is still hard, but doing it.
Currently reassessing the people I've surrounded myself with since adolecense. I always prided myself on maintaining connections long term, recently tho I find I want to feel safer. Its nice to know my feelings of loneliness and introspection are actually healthy stages of reassessing, not just my deficiencies.
I was dreaming this morning that i was having a discussion with someone about intimacy and i actually heard myself speak out loud that sex doesnt mean intimacy and that you can be intimate and not have sex. It woke me up. This talk is exactly what I've been going thru with groups of all kinds these past few years. Conditional acceptance if you talk and walk like them. I've met some nice people as individuals yet its difficult meeting them.outside the group. Almost like they're being disloyal.
Wonderful advice about joining support groups. I joined CODA yrs ago, & it felt like heaven on earth to be able to talk about feelings openly for the first time in life. Later, I discovered some in the group talking/judging what I & some others had expressed during an open meeting. I felt so betrayed, incensed, & surprised anyone could break the rule of "What's said here, stays here." I stopped attending, feeling unable to ever open up in that group again. Years later, I started attending another CODA group, & upon speaking for the first time, I opened up about that experience, how it had affected me, & that I hoped I had found a group where the rules would be held in honor. I've had no further experiences like that, but realize it can happen again. I'm less vunerable now, able to own & cherish my own feelings now, partly because of the present atmosphere, & I had to in order to survive. Looking back now, I wish I had attended that old group one more time, & had made those same statements there, but by the time I began going to the new group, I found that original group had disbanded, probably as it should have...but I also learned how naive I was.
So sorry, you experienced that kind of betrayal in a group that's supposed to support you. Yeah, it's hard to confront people when they backstab or betray because we learned in childhood that if we speak up we will have hell to pay. So we keep silent and stew in the rage.
@mindkindmom It turned out to be one of the best things that could have happened to me...I needed to learn not to be so trusting/open until others earned my trust. Even then, people can change, & I had to learn my feelings/opinions are valid, no matter what anyone else thinks/says.
I made very poor choices with "freinds" as a teenager. This in large part due to an unstable father. I felt that i kept these relationships going more out of habit or a sense or them being so familiar, of this loyality. In the last two years I ended two of the frienships. One of them had suggested he could be with my wife. Also prior to that he made dinner plans with us and wouldnt show up. I talked to him about it and he claimed I was imaging this and I had mental health issues. So hes gone for good. The other guy, as a teenager, often stole random items from me. As a grown man he asked ro "borrow" a book i highly valued. I did and when i asked for it back he seemed upset I had asked at all. I also learned he cheated with my high school sweetheart behind my back. Its hard to look past that. I have alot of enablers and people pleasers around in this small town who try get me to over look these issues for the sake of having company and "good times". Ive been made the scapegoat and the asshole for "being to hard on them". I gotta do whats right for me.
This is so very helpful. Thank you so much. Some of the things you mention I've already been through and felt the pain and hurt of and when you mention the thing about being patient with the process. Thank you, because these past days I felt like giving up again but now I'm motivated again, so thank you. It puts hope into the darkness and gives it purpose.
For many, a significant milestone of development is realising one’s own discomfort with ‘healthy’ people. They’ve been expecting others to accommodate their own ‘unhealthy’ patterns. They call their own unhealthy patterns and control expectations for others as ‘boundaries’. It can be a challenge to reflect on whether we’re the one behaving unhealthy in the presence of healthy or healthy in the presence of unhealthy.
Well that is definitely something to think about... the other side of it is that unhealthy, dishonest, inauthentic, people pleasing behavior is often praised and welcomed societally. It seems to me that trauma is one of the ways that people start doing the inner work that's easy to avoid. If one's inner pain is tolerable, why bother? So if having Thanksgiving with the family means you have to be buzzed just enough to be numb, but not enough to be sloppy drunk, well you can do that for years. But someone in recovery doesn't want to be around that. So that's when the boundary gets set. I guess I'm taking issue with the word boundaries being placed in quotation marks. Whether it's explicit, or implicit, boundaries are everywhere. No one gets a free-for-all. And no one accepts everything from everyone either. There is a lot of behavior that's socially acceptable that functions as a mask or palliative for dealing with painful or uncomfortable feelings . I think the problem for trying to survivors in recovery is that we just can't fake it anymore.
Thank you sir for your videos and the compassion with which you speak about this topic. I've been in the healing process for about 6 years now and I'm still thankful to have come across videos such as this one. I wouldn't have had the information that I desperately needed to be able to get rid of my toxic relationships that plagued my entire life. Take good care and thank you again for sharing your knowledge with us ❤
I needed someone to spell this out for me. I have dubbed myself a terrible judge of character bc of regularly trusting people who I only realize never cared about me after they hurt me.
Point “c” is new to me, or maybe I’m just now getting it. I long for “home” so much that I don’t recognize that that oxytocin hit of warmth and happiness is a red flag instead of a light in the darkness. That old joke about lighthouses comes to mind.
Would love to hear about how to love yourself. That was glossed over. When I tried to be alone, I spiraled into rumination and depression but never really got better at enjoying being alone. Simply being alone didn't work. Tips? I could not focus to read a book or much else. My sister introduced me to Sudoku, which was a big fad at the time and I literally did around 10,000-15,000 Sudokus to keep my ruminating at bay.
The section about friend groups and rules, I’ve never felt more heard and understood. I unknowingly broke one of their stupid rules that genuinely didn’t even make sense, became outcasted, ostracized, had more rumors than I can count made about me, most of which I still dont even know exist js that they where being spread, they hated me so much because of one minuscule thing that isn’t even wrong that they genuinely involved the police and tried to get me arrested. 1 year later, I can still feel the effects of their actions haunting me to this day. Of course I’m blamed for it all though !! Live laugh love life❤️😇
I am so glad you said this. I knew it, I think, but until someone says it definitively, I will not necessarily call it out and completely see it for my safety.
This is why i have been single for over 2 decades. Know yourself. Be in tune with your feelings but dont rely on your emotions because they lie and keep you from a fulfilling life. Goodluck mfers. ❤
Thank you so much for including codependent in this. A heavily codependent person can be equally toxic with their fawning to try and get you to become emeshed and rely on them as quickly as possible. They then become passive aggressive if you don’t.
Thank you very much. Your presentation helped me figure out why I felt uncomfortable around a new person who seemed very enthusiastic about "making friends" with me, but whose behaviour seemed a bit uncanny. Having needed therapy for childhood trauma, I have adopted (thanks to my therapist), as a rule, to stop my hurrying response and observe before engaging with someone. Though I felt guilty for not responding to her enthusiasm, all my sensors told me this was not healthy for me even if I couldn't pinpoint what it was. The examples you gave have made it clear to me. There would be too many unspoken conditions attached to this "friendship".
It's so sad when you're a giving kind person that this is being exploited to hurt people. What's the outcome? Nobody will help anybody and be suspicious of kindness. Intentions are what we need to work out and that doesn't come easily
After 1 year of such a thing, I was terribly humiliated by someone saying they didn't want to have any connection with me and I was the one who chased them desperately and they laughed and mocked😢 not only everything came crashing down on me, and not only is it extremely difficult to get over the heartbreak, the outright denial of any connection from their end and the humiliation of being called desperate and forceful is just eating me away... don't know how to get over it
Looking back, I see some of this in myself. It took more experience to realize this, and this presentation put what I had found out into practical orderly terms. I was looking for the reasonings as to why these experience had happened, but I wouldn't be further along this journey if they didn't
Ha... I almost didn't listen to this... I thought I didn't need info on friendships... several points are exactly what I'm facing... tending to do. Thanks, Tim!
If they act very nonchalant about where you are in your own healing process 😮THAT TO ME IS A BIG RED FLAG 🚩 THEY ARE NOT TO BE TRUSTED AS A FRIEND!!!!!!
The other day a former neighbor who I hadn't seen in a while knocked on my door asking for a ride to the dollar store which was a little over a mile away. So it wouldn't have been a big deal. But--I don't know what it was--but something said to me, "Something's not right about this situation." After all, I hadn't seen her in a long long time, in fact I did not recognize her. She knew where I lived but I didn't know where she lived (we had both moved and by coincidence are in the same neighborhood again). I guess what bothered me is that in all that time she had made no attempt to re-establish contact and when she did, her first act was to request a favor from me. Now, I'd been brought up not to say no to things like that, you hear messages in church all the time about helping others, but it did not sit right with me. Especially after when I said no, she kept pushing, and finally with a sigh of resignation said, "Well, I guess I'll just have to walk to the dollar store, then" in a tone designed to evoke guilt. Although we are in the same neighborhood she doesn't live on the same street, so we are not close neighbors, as I said. If she lived nearby and we had re-established our relationship I would have had no problem taking her. But something said to me, "If you do this, then you will be asked to do other things"--in other words, why was she seeking me out all of a sudden? That was a very big red flag, because I have been taken advantage of by people who have asked me to run them up to the store or wherever for just a minute only to have that minute turn into a half-hour or more. I get it, it's not easy not having a car in an area where there is no public transportation, but I'm not a free taxi service either.
So it was basically the same distance from her house to walk to yours ? In that time she could have walked to the store. You can’t help everyone . Trust yourself. You did good . God gave us discernment .
@@TheTurtleTribalNation Actually the store was farther. And there are no sidewalks on a very busy street. But I just got bad vibes from this situation. I was on the phone with a friend at the time and even she said "that sounds creepy."
OMG. I found you by accident and am amazed how much this applies to me and my narcissist wife. I really thought i knew her, only to find out she was not the person she presented to me for 7 years of dating before getting married. I had questions all along but was not educated in narcissism then and fell into her manipulations. It’s been a brutal marriage, but i stay for my two sons and now grandson. I won’t sacrifice them for freedom from her. In addition, i need to be a buffer zone between her and my sons as she has turned on her string- attached-generosity.
Make sure you speak directly with your son and grandson not to marry and be in a relationship like yours. That will help break the cycle of being familiar within the rela you are showing them. Other you are likely setting them up to be in the same kind of relationship you are dealing with right now. Sacrificing their views on relationships so you don't have to face the right now.
Perfect description of what's happened to Jehovah's Witnesses leadership. I hope they get the help they need. It's so obvious how much their mental issues impact their approach.
I appreciate you so much, you explain some things so clearly that it’s so easy to accept. I liked your “grade 1” explanation. I belong to a worldwide religion that is dynamic and understands emotional health. Being a Christian means that Godly principles must rule, according to the Bible, not according to church doctrine. Rules must exist, but living by Bible principles, rather than by copious rules, (John 13:34) is what allows a person to think and reason. Rules that don’t allow individuality are shame based and not in imitation of Jesus. True love in any relationship is rare, be that person yourself, first.
Professional groomer is a pretty good description of it. I'm not sure why grooming is specifically associated with minors. It 100% happens in adult friendships and relationships.
There is some really good information in here. My one critique of this information is that it's being spoken of from an "outside" perspective or someone who has gone through to the other side. For instance, learning how to trust someone or not... That's a confusing process in and of itself. But we are social animals, no matter what, we will want "friends" and people around us. So if we have issues around "boundaries" or "trust" or anything else - while the tips and advice in here are good, don't help someone navigate these issues. They are "warnings" without a framework or context in which someone can utilize when they are learning to have positive relationships for the first time.
That feel when you have the exact opposite problem of not trusting people enough, so even when someone doesn't show red flags, you expect that something bad will happen eventually and to never take anybody at their word until *some unknown condition* makes you sure you can actually trust them. 🙃
A majority of Co-Dependents do Not expect anything but acceptance and kindness from those they are kind to. I’ve been horribly used, abused and harmed by Narcissists and NEVER by a Co-dependent in my life!
You make an excellent point - re when you've left behind the toxic partner, toxic family etc, you're progressing with healing but the loneliness starts to mess with your head. You start considering going back because the "new life" is taking longer to build. And no matter what cheery self-help social media banner tells us - friends may be your chosen new family. But let's be real, the gaping hole that an absent family gashed in us, we will always carry it. Even the strongest of us seriously struggle and consider giving in. In my darker moments I've been so close to picking up that phone, it's scary.
Rules struck a chord. This video just explained why my sister is how she is! Shame based culture wow! That is damning but so true! Falling into romantic relationships that trigger their old rules. Every sentence made so much sense.
That whole notion about the Template we have is so spot on. It's why we always miraculously seem to end up in these horrible situations. Anyone can scream 'victim blamer' at me all they like but grow up and understand the role you play in this. Take responsibility and you might actually learn to avoid getting used n abused quite as much. Kinda proud of myself for going slow af with people now. Its incredible how they switch at the 6 month mark.
And I'm so pleased to hear Tim talk about the mass-adopted group mindset where if you say the wrong thing you're out. Speaking from experience of what ive seen it's the absolute antithesis of the open minded values, or intellectual refined beliefs they claim to have.
Learn to muscle test! Your body knows! You can ask your body anything and it will answer correctly. Also learn to use a pendulum, you get instant results.
I’m fascinated!! Can you explain a little bit more? This sounds really interesting since our bodies have so much wisdom. I will google this but would love to hear more about this from you.
They have a spirit about them that causes you to keep questioning your judgement. Not all nice and kind and loving people are narcissists as we know, look for the empathy. Usually if you tell them what you're going through or a story that requires empathy, but you will see that there will be no real response from them. That's how I tell usually. Also, they boast about something in their life that makes them appear like things are perfect.
I don’t experience the problem of me rushing in to friendships or relationships, I experience people who are embedding themselves too quickly into my life. And it doesn’t matter how nicely you try to deal with them they don’t like it when you try to set some healthy boundaries and distance. I mean things get real nasty after you try to. Does anyone else have that problem?
💜 Please be aware of scammers impersonating Tim or the Tim Fletcher team! We do not provide any phone numbers in the comments and Tim does not chat privately with viewers. We will never ask you to join us on a messaging app. When in doubt, reach out to us via our website at timfletcher.ca. Stay safe and scam-aware. With Love, The Tim Fletcher Team.
Pay attention to how they react to your boundaries. If they dismiss or challenge your comfort levels, it’s a significant red flag
Yes!! This is the number one tell for me now! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
100 percent a tell
Omg 10000% this is all one needs to know when making connections, romantic, social etc.
Truth 100%
👏👏👏👏👏
Remember, growing up with narcissists, we’ve become comfortable in that environment. It’s really difficult to go against that feeling. I’m very uncomfortable with “healthy” people.
Me too…..working very hard at this! During Covid I detached from 3-4 female narcissistic friends….due to narcissistic family system….now have been alone quite awhile, but determined to create healthy relationships of all kinds
Exactly 🤦♀️ unhealthy is normal to us 🤷♀️ our parents were fakes so we can’t tell nuts from authentic
Wow! I thought I was the only one. I always felt rather antagonistic towards healthy people.
I feel this! My whole life was this! Until I started reprocessing and healing my trauma, but the fear of “picking” unhealthy people is still alive and so I still isolate and am on guard with everyone. 😩
It's very true. I wish I understood a long time ago how to protect myself. A narcissistic family trains us to be vulnerable to manipulation. It takes time and energy to overcome this training.
When I first became friends with the neighbour who is now my healthiest and dearest friend - I was frustrated by how long it took to get to the deeper more intimate topics. I told my therapist about this who told me “congrats! You’ve found a healthy normal safe person to be friends with. This is how healthy people form connections - they take more time for trust to develop. Learn to slow down!” She was absolutely right. I’m so glad she told me that because I had no idea.
Yes, that may be true but it is also true that it is a cultural thing. There are more open cultures and less open cultures. That should also be taken into account.
Very good comments here by @halcyondays8945 and @mariamaier6954!
“Learn to be your own friend.” ❤
Actions speak louder than words, and beware of the "lovebombing" especially from "friends".
And from potential partners, particularly if you’re not that physically attractive. That’s how they reel you in - make you feel like a Goddess, flatter you etc etc, then abandon you when YOU need THEM.
Love bombing what's that 🤔
Or roommates
Lovebombing can take many forms. An ex-narc "friend" that used to exploit me used food to lovebomb. "Hey look at all the food i brought to your home. Now I can legitimately exploit you". Of course they don't actually say that. But that's their transactional nature.
This is why I have no friends. I'm tired of all the DRAMA. I love being alone. I love having a DRAMA FREE life. People are not safe, people cause lots of problems.
Me as well, my little daughter is my friend even if she doesn’t understand adult stuff, I talked to her, smile with her and go out with her where I can go with her for kids, the leftover I talked to God on my bed or don’t talk just listening meditation song on TH-cam. I am really patient with people right now, no rush on anything
Agreed 100%🎉
I have my adult son and 2 cats and that's all I need.
I feel for you, I do get that it all feels too hard sometimes. But at the same time I don't agree fully - people also bring so much grace and value, humour and inspiration. I can't imagine that I'd have survived my background if I hadn't allowed in new friends, as well as maintaining some of those friendships for 30+yrs. By some miracle they've stuck by me. Friendships trigger me too, but probably no more than I trigger myself! I hope you'll give people a chance someday. Take care.
I agree, in a way. After doing a lot of work on trauma, shame, attachment, grief, boundaries, etc., I think in my case it's a stage of recovery, and I'm comfortable with it taking as long as I need it to. I also did a digital detox and got my dopamine levels under control. What I would say is please don't take on any shame for whatever your recovery requires.
This is a great topic. Met a new poss female friend recently, ….. who within a very short time asked me for 4000 cause she knew I was comfortable financially … she didn’t get it. Then she asked me to watch her very young baby for 2 hours … she went missing for 8 hrs.
She showed who she was and I believed her … so I cut her from my life like a cancerous growth
I had a friend for many decades and after I distanced myself from most of my family I realized I needed to distance myself from her abusive tendencies. She was critical of so many things about me and seemed in competition to everything. I like my 🕊️ peace of mind more than I needed them.
Two red flags for narcissism.
This was my experience with my husband..
Some of the best relationships are ones that build over time. 🤙🏼🙏🏼
Some narcissists also play the long game
"Friendship with a gentleman feels much like insipid water" goes a Chinese saying. Seen in this context, love bombing is definitely a huge red flag!
Like excited hounds on a hunt, when love bombers close in on a targeted prey, it's all systems go! Time to run faster-not stop to say Hello!
Sometimes, it takes years….just watch how they treat others, someday they will treat you the same way
Always look the relationship a person have with their parents to see if they have toxicity behaviours, patterns or disorder. Don’t listen the words, watch the actions.
This man is so emotionally intelligent he is a brilliant teacher and so wise .. his soft voice has a clarity that not many speakers have .. I have learned so much from him because he has the ability to slow down the chaos that overwhelms people with childhood trauma . I admire and feel such gratitude when his videos pop up they feel so authentic . 😊
💗💃 When a person tries to befriend you, yes give it time. Eventually you will discover their negative or sneaky ways.
Excellent advice! Learning to be alone and take your time getting to know people feels really good .Not being available all the time to a new friend will also show you who they are.
My issue is 100% the impatience. I keep putting myself out there to meet new people but a lot of them are self absorbed. I have met one good friend in 4 years of trying to make new friends. I have to be ok with that.
1 healthy friend beats 1000 unhealthy type friends or friendamies 😂
Most people just want to talk about themselves.....
@@janec1489yes, this has been really frustrating and resonates with me. Is there a national group like toastmasters except instead of brushing up on one’s public speaking, it teaches interdependence in communication? I would go. Maybe meet some people who want better relationships/friendships and are willing to work at it. It would probably be fun too. Get some guest speakers in between workshops? Maybe a co-op or donations to pay speakers? Have it at a park so it was low cost or free for those who are struggling? 🤷♀️
@@janec1489They have AI to do that with now ;)
I good friend is all you need. I get some good social interactions doing volunteer work, if you go to a group where you've all got a common interest/ passion, you can have fun with a wide range of people 👍
Ending relationships with friends is so difficult. I find it even more difficult making new friends with people who are not severely mentally ill… You know what I mean. But as I keep trying and taking baby steps, I’m slowly developing some new healthy friendships.
My new eyes are working really good! Don’t give up! I’m in my 5th year of healing and I’m feeling more confident in my choices.
Yes. I can see changes everyday. It is a long dark path.
When you are comfortable alone in solitude you can slowly venture out you have to be with yourself first above all.
Can you also do a video on how to be a good friend when you are someone who has gone through cptsd or trauma in general?
I believe he has a video on how to improve our level of emotional safety for others; that will be what you want to work on. When we are wounded, it can be difficult to see how we are unsafe for others. I did not know both sides of a behavior, what it looks like when others do it and what they are feeling/experiencing when they do it, or when I engage in the behavior, how I experience that, and how others perceive me. All of that was disconnected, I discovered. It actually helped me SO much with my confidence in the face of manipulation attempts, oddly enough.
ETA - it helped because I knew more about emotional safety, and what that is, and when it is available. I knew that I was striving to be emotionally available, while they were clearly not. I was able to check myself more rationally, with external resources (definitions of safety/availability), and I was able to more proactively work on the specific aspects that I needed more skill in (Lack of modeling!). I feel a lot better in myself and about myself. Other's uninformed opinions and moral judgements were much less relevant to me, when I learned more.
@@PaigeSquaredThis is sooo good!!
@@TMH792 I think the most widespread blinders at this moment are those to emotional safety, because prior generations did not prioritize it. Not many of us (especially not here, watching Tim) grew up with mature emotionally available adults. So unavailability is reframed as normal.
We never quite know what is missing, because it's one of those abuses regarding what a caregiver *failed to provide.*
A person could have easily missed learning the skills necessary to even be available for safe connections in the first place. Until we become emotionally available with our own selves, we aren't able to do it for others in a consistent way.
It is a process; like Tim mentions. At one point, we are healthy enough to know the super toxic folks that need to be cut out, but not quite aware enough to know which red flags we are waving ourselves. So it is difficult to create healthy relationships in this phase. They see us and know to walk the other way before we even notice them. Their healthy families warned them that there are some people, certain patterns specifically, that are best to not get involved with. I had no clue. I was in shock at how many eligible bachelors came out of the woodwork in the same tiny town, after I spent a few years working on myself. 😂😅
Yes 🙌 👏
another red flag, from my experience, is the decision that "sure this is an unhealthy interpersonal relationship, but this is all i deserve so i may as well live with it."
I'd rather be alone.
Oh hi me for the last 17 years
Two unhealed people with cptsd can trigger each other badly.
Or BPD*
Think this happened to me recently. Time do work on me again
Yes I experienced this in my second long term relationship
I’m afraid I’m currently in a relationship right now where that’s the case.
The best part is we both have been like “oh wow, I’m actually being treated well” but I can tell this is probably not a safe and healthy relationship due to both of us being so wounded.
It kinda feels like there’s no one who’s 100% safe except God. Just look for safe enough people who are consistently safe most of the time.
All humans are flawed. There isn’t one soul, who is perfect.
When my therapist brought up “safe enough” it completely changed how I went into situations and helped me tremendously as opposed to 100% safe. GOD is 100% safe! Amen to that, so many good comments on this thread! 🙏🏼
I feel the same, although there are many people safe. The confusion part is the worst, when you notice some tiny unsafe behaviours and think to yourself "is this just a normal flaw or I am demanding perfection?".
People and life are complicated with this cptsd lenses but God will make us safe if we put the effort into changing our "glasses".
@@alicephoenixpoetryjournal9062 AMEN!! Great message! 🤍🙌🏼
Must be a very selfish god, not to send friends your way.
The last one, the one about sharing similarities is such a good point! I fall for this, thinking that because we agree on something or find similar things in common means that I can see this as a friendship. No. It doesn't mean that. Relationships stand the test of time and encourage you to be who you are. It allows discussion and a difference of opinion or belief. It doesn't mean that because you agree on something, all things will come together. It's not that automatic.
🎯‼️
Yes, I even have lovely true friends in different political stances.
So wise...I have this new "friend" who in every conversation is saying...."cause you know me and you are so similar, we think so much alike" but I differ on this one big issue around setting bou diaries and what forgiveness means which he isn't ok with and he brings up religion and examples of Christ's action which aren't accurate to the situation. He "appeals to authority" to make his point. It's ok to disagree but I find it very strange how he goes about it. I'm trying to slip away.
The problem was that for years, I didn't even know that I should look for red flags in others. Naivety cost me relationships, years, etc. They will have you totally isolated before you even know they are narcissists and criminals.
Exactly. Raised by a narc Mom. I would know a 'red flag' if it hit me in the head. Had no idea what 'normal' was and 40 years ago there were no counsellors or therapists teaching this. All I know is I wanted someone opposite to my mother because I knew there was something really wrong with her. So.....instead of my religious, vulnerable and neglectful narc mother, I married a grandiose malignant narc man. Same disorder, expressed differently.
Beware of total strangers who take a quick interest in your personal life. They may have bad intentions. Don't be so desperate to be liked and accepted by everyone that you spill your guts to the first person who will listen. That makes you an easy target for manipulaters.
Its easy you, feel it in your body.narcs make you feel off but try to convince you to trust them.your body knows straight away. Obey your body
“Oxytocin can be very misleading.” 💯💯💯✅ thanks so much for the reminder!
My moms a narcissist. Now as an adult its so clear and makes so much sense. Shes fake, likes strangers more than family, lies then gaslights
Same here. She tried to break me for 60 years. I got away 2 yrs ago and am finally healing. I hope you are too.
This is my life! I’m at the connecting with myself stage ….realizing my 9+ yrs of healing will be for naught if I return to narc dynamics in relationships of all kinds …..nope!
Thank you for the explanation about oxytocin release. I could never wrap my mind around why I have seemingly surrounded myself with people who have very similar traits as a very problematic person from my early life.
When I was figuring out who I was as a teenager at church and expressing myself with music, fashion, hair color etc. I had many people approach me to tell me about the ways I should change myself to be more "in line" with the culture at the church. All these people told me how they personally stifled themselves to fit in better and I should too because my individuality irked them.
I love who I am now and I love who I was then. A group that criticizes you for not looking or behaving just like everyone else in the group is not a safe place.
God told me to tell you... one of my fav lines. So manipulative 😅
@@kora82409😂
I used to believe a church is where you find safe place. Not anymore. I have felt exploited in church just like any other organization. Be careful!
This video unlocked a key concept to reframe leaving a community that seemed safe - but they were not safe people.
I actually have a tactic of sharing a low stakes boundary up front. A narcissist will violate it repeatedly in short order. Run don’t walk or go full grey rock wall.
Sounds like a decent idea
You’re awesome Tim!!
Really useful for friends and any new relationship, thank you
Thank you for this. Looks like I am on the road to healing. Current relationships developing slowly, even with me setting boundaries. Connecting with being present with myself is still hard, but doing it.
What a timing! I had just looked up online articles about toxic friends and friendships. Thank you!
Had the experience of thinking I was loved by a group and was conditional based gender issues and dress. Tim is so right.
Currently reassessing the people I've surrounded myself with since adolecense. I always prided myself on maintaining connections long term, recently tho I find I want to feel safer. Its nice to know my feelings of loneliness and introspection are actually healthy stages of reassessing, not just my deficiencies.
I was dreaming this morning that i was having a discussion with someone about intimacy and i actually heard myself speak out loud that sex doesnt mean intimacy and that you
can be intimate and not have sex. It woke me up.
This talk is exactly what I've been going thru with groups of all kinds these past few years. Conditional acceptance if you talk and walk like them. I've met some nice people as individuals yet its difficult meeting them.outside the group. Almost like they're being disloyal.
Wonderful advice about joining support groups.
I joined CODA yrs ago, & it felt like heaven on earth to be able to talk about feelings openly for the first time in life. Later, I discovered some in the group talking/judging what I & some others had expressed during an open meeting. I felt so betrayed, incensed, & surprised anyone could break the rule of "What's said here, stays here."
I stopped attending, feeling unable to ever open up in that group again.
Years later, I started attending another CODA group, & upon speaking for the first time, I opened up about that experience, how it had affected me, & that I hoped I had found a group where the rules would be held in honor. I've had no further experiences like that, but realize it can happen again. I'm less vunerable now, able to own & cherish my own feelings now, partly because of the present atmosphere, & I had to in order to survive.
Looking back now, I wish I had attended that old group one more time, & had made those same statements there, but by the time I began going to the new group, I found that original group had disbanded, probably as it should have...but I also learned how naive I was.
So sorry, you experienced that kind of betrayal in a group that's supposed to support you. Yeah, it's hard to confront people when they backstab or betray because we learned in childhood that if we speak up we will have hell to pay. So we keep silent and stew in the rage.
What is CODA?
I have experienced 13 steppers. Men who have been in recovery groups awhile and who prey on woman who are just starting recovery and vulnerable.
@mindkindmom It turned out to be one of the best things that could have happened to me...I needed to learn not to be so trusting/open until others earned my trust. Even then, people can change, & I had to learn my feelings/opinions are valid, no matter what anyone else thinks/says.
@@NaomiSims-w5g Good, what we overcome makes us stronger.
I made very poor choices with "freinds" as a teenager. This in large part due to an unstable father. I felt that i kept these relationships going more out of habit or a sense or them being so familiar, of this loyality. In the last two years I ended two of the frienships. One of them had suggested he could be with my wife. Also prior to that he made dinner plans with us and wouldnt show up. I talked to him about it and he claimed I was imaging this and I had mental health issues. So hes gone for good. The other guy, as a teenager, often stole random items from me. As a grown man he asked ro "borrow" a book i highly valued. I did and when i asked for it back he seemed upset I had asked at all. I also learned he cheated with my high school sweetheart behind my back. Its hard to look past that. I have alot of enablers and people pleasers around in this small town who try get me to over look these issues for the sake of having company and "good times". Ive been made the scapegoat and the asshole for "being to hard on them". I gotta do whats right for me.
You nail it Tim, old fashioned social conventions had a reason. Take time to get to know someone the closer you want them to be......
This is so very helpful. Thank you so much. Some of the things you mention I've already been through and felt the pain and hurt of and when you mention the thing about being patient with the process. Thank you, because these past days I felt like giving up again but now I'm motivated again, so thank you. It puts hope into the darkness and gives it purpose.
There is give and take in relationships. It is not always 'strings attached'.
For many, a significant milestone of development is realising one’s own discomfort with ‘healthy’ people. They’ve been expecting others to accommodate their own ‘unhealthy’ patterns. They call their own unhealthy patterns and control expectations for others as ‘boundaries’. It can be a challenge to reflect on whether we’re the one behaving unhealthy in the presence of healthy or healthy in the presence of unhealthy.
Well that is definitely something to think about... the other side of it is that unhealthy, dishonest, inauthentic, people pleasing behavior is often praised and welcomed societally.
It seems to me that trauma is one of the ways that people start doing the inner work that's easy to avoid. If one's inner pain is tolerable, why bother? So if having Thanksgiving with the family means you have to be buzzed just enough to be numb, but not enough to be sloppy drunk, well you can do that for years. But someone in recovery doesn't want to be around that. So that's when the boundary gets set.
I guess I'm taking issue with the word boundaries being placed in quotation marks. Whether it's explicit, or implicit, boundaries are everywhere. No one gets a free-for-all. And no one accepts everything from everyone either. There is a lot of behavior that's socially acceptable that functions as a mask or palliative for dealing with painful or uncomfortable feelings . I think the problem for trying to survivors in recovery is that we just can't fake it anymore.
10:51 That is major for me. Learning to be my own friend. I am learning.
Thank you sir for your videos and the compassion with which you speak about this topic. I've been in the healing process for about 6 years now and I'm still thankful to have come across videos such as this one. I wouldn't have had the information that I desperately needed to be able to get rid of my toxic relationships that plagued my entire life. Take good care and thank you again for sharing your knowledge with us ❤
I needed someone to spell this out for me. I have dubbed myself a terrible judge of character bc of regularly trusting people who I only realize never cared about me after they hurt me.
An acquaintance finished gossiping about two other women. I asked her I wonder what you say abut me behind my back.
Point “c” is new to me, or maybe I’m just now getting it. I long for “home” so much that I don’t recognize that that oxytocin hit of warmth and happiness is a red flag instead of a light in the darkness. That old joke about lighthouses comes to mind.
Would love to hear about how to love yourself. That was glossed over. When I tried to be alone, I spiraled into rumination and depression but never really got better at enjoying being alone. Simply being alone didn't work. Tips? I could not focus to read a book or much else. My sister introduced me to Sudoku, which was a big fad at the time and I literally did around 10,000-15,000 Sudokus to keep my ruminating at bay.
Thank you, Tim. God bless you, Sir.🙏
Friends? What's that?
The section about friend groups and rules, I’ve never felt more heard and understood. I unknowingly broke one of their stupid rules that genuinely didn’t even make sense, became outcasted, ostracized, had more rumors than I can count made about me, most of which I still dont even know exist js that they where being spread, they hated me so much because of one minuscule thing that isn’t even wrong that they genuinely involved the police and tried to get me arrested. 1 year later, I can still feel the effects of their actions haunting me to this day. Of course I’m blamed for it all though !! Live laugh love life❤️😇
I am so glad you said this. I knew it, I think, but until someone says it definitively, I will not necessarily call it out and completely see it for my safety.
This is why i have been single for over 2 decades. Know yourself. Be in tune with your feelings but dont rely on your emotions because they lie and keep you from a fulfilling life. Goodluck mfers. ❤
Thank you so much for including codependent in this. A heavily codependent person can be equally toxic with their fawning to try and get you to become emeshed and rely on them as quickly as possible. They then become passive aggressive if you don’t.
What friends???
Thank you very much. Your presentation helped me figure out why I felt uncomfortable around a new person who seemed very enthusiastic about "making friends" with me, but whose behaviour seemed a bit uncanny. Having needed therapy for childhood trauma, I have adopted (thanks to my therapist), as a rule, to stop my hurrying response and observe before engaging with someone.
Though I felt guilty for not responding to her enthusiasm, all my sensors told me this was not healthy for me even if I couldn't pinpoint what it was. The examples you gave have made it clear to me. There would be too many unspoken conditions attached to this "friendship".
It's so sad when you're a giving kind person that this is being exploited to hurt people. What's the outcome? Nobody will help anybody and be suspicious of kindness. Intentions are what we need to work out and that doesn't come easily
After 1 year of such a thing, I was terribly humiliated by someone saying they didn't want to have any connection with me and I was the one who chased them desperately and they laughed and mocked😢 not only everything came crashing down on me, and not only is it extremely difficult to get over the heartbreak, the outright denial of any connection from their end and the humiliation of being called desperate and forceful is just eating me away... don't know how to get over it
@@belaparn7014similar experience, I'm devastated.
"True intimacy is growing in all areas of connection"
So true, this is the reason why I can't easily make a firm solid relationship to others.
Being isolated sucks but it's for the best education myself its hard sometimes
Looking back, I see some of this in myself. It took more experience to realize this, and this presentation put what I had found out into practical orderly terms. I was looking for the reasonings as to why these experience had happened, but I wouldn't be further along this journey if they didn't
Hi, I just " found " you . I want to thank you, liked and subscribed . This was helpful 🙏
Ha... I almost didn't listen to this... I thought I didn't need info on friendships... several points are exactly what I'm facing... tending to do. Thanks, Tim!
Could you please do a video on adult children of alcoholic parents aka ACOA. I would love to learn more about it through you
Immensely helpful, thank you Tim!
How can you make out the difference between a narcissist pretending to be nice and an authentic person who is nice?
If they act very nonchalant about where you are in your own healing process 😮THAT TO ME IS A BIG RED FLAG 🚩 THEY ARE NOT TO BE TRUSTED AS A FRIEND!!!!!!
Deeply appreciated. Thank you so very much, this helped me a lot.🙏☺ Bless you
thank you Tim for being real
THANK YOU!!! 4 THIS! *I Learned This! The Hard Way!
Amazing video! Very helpful
You perfectly described my first 12 step experience. Great people buy the program felt terribly out of date
The other day a former neighbor who I hadn't seen in a while knocked on my door asking for a ride to the dollar store which was a little over a mile away. So it wouldn't have been a big deal. But--I don't know what it was--but something said to me, "Something's not right about this situation." After all, I hadn't seen her in a long long time, in fact I did not recognize her. She knew where I lived but I didn't know where she lived (we had both moved and by coincidence are in the same neighborhood again). I guess what bothered me is that in all that time she had made no attempt to re-establish contact and when she did, her first act was to request a favor from me. Now, I'd been brought up not to say no to things like that, you hear messages in church all the time about helping others, but it did not sit right with me. Especially after when I said no, she kept pushing, and finally with a sigh of resignation said, "Well, I guess I'll just have to walk to the dollar store, then" in a tone designed to evoke guilt. Although we are in the same neighborhood she doesn't live on the same street, so we are not close neighbors, as I said. If she lived nearby and we had re-established our relationship I would have had no problem taking her. But something said to me, "If you do this, then you will be asked to do other things"--in other words, why was she seeking me out all of a sudden? That was a very big red flag, because I have been taken advantage of by people who have asked me to run them up to the store or wherever for just a minute only to have that minute turn into a half-hour or more. I get it, it's not easy not having a car in an area where there is no public transportation, but I'm not a free taxi service either.
So it was basically the same distance from her house to walk to yours ? In that time she could have walked to the store. You can’t help everyone . Trust yourself. You did good . God gave us discernment .
@@TheTurtleTribalNation Actually the store was farther. And there are no sidewalks on a very busy street. But I just got bad vibes from this situation. I was on the phone with a friend at the time and even she said "that sounds creepy."
These complex trauma in the family has been crazy 😧
Going back to my toxic family was a HUGE Mistake and now I feel trapped 😢
OMG. I found you by accident and am amazed how much this applies to me and my narcissist wife. I really thought i knew her, only to find out she was not the person she presented to me for 7 years of dating before getting married. I had questions all along but was not educated in narcissism then and fell into her manipulations. It’s been a brutal marriage, but i stay for my two sons and now grandson. I won’t sacrifice them for freedom from her. In addition, i need to be a buffer zone between her and my sons as she has turned on her string- attached-generosity.
Make sure you speak directly with your son and grandson not to marry and be in a relationship like yours. That will help break the cycle of being familiar within the rela you are showing them.
Other you are likely setting them up to be in the same kind of relationship you are dealing with right now. Sacrificing their views on relationships so you don't have to face the right now.
Perfect description of what's happened to Jehovah's Witnesses leadership. I hope they get the help they need. It's so obvious how much their mental issues impact their approach.
Singing I find very healing connection with yourself ❤❤❤
Thank you, I needed this reminder🌷
I appreciate you so much, you explain some things so clearly that it’s so easy to accept.
I liked your “grade 1” explanation.
I belong to a worldwide religion that is dynamic and understands emotional health. Being a Christian means that Godly principles must rule, according to the Bible, not according to church doctrine.
Rules must exist, but living by Bible principles, rather than by copious rules, (John 13:34) is what allows a person to think and reason. Rules that don’t allow individuality are shame based and not in imitation of Jesus. True love in any relationship is rare, be that person yourself, first.
Overall this is about unsafe people ‼️
Thank you
Professional groomer is a pretty good description of it. I'm not sure why grooming is specifically associated with minors. It 100% happens in adult friendships and relationships.
There is some really good information in here. My one critique of this information is that it's being spoken of from an "outside" perspective or someone who has gone through to the other side. For instance, learning how to trust someone or not... That's a confusing process in and of itself. But we are social animals, no matter what, we will want "friends" and people around us. So if we have issues around "boundaries" or "trust" or anything else - while the tips and advice in here are good, don't help someone navigate these issues. They are "warnings" without a framework or context in which someone can utilize when they are learning to have positive relationships for the first time.
That feel when you have the exact opposite problem of not trusting people enough, so even when someone doesn't show red flags, you expect that something bad will happen eventually and to never take anybody at their word until *some unknown condition* makes you sure you can actually trust them. 🙃
A majority of Co-Dependents do Not expect anything but acceptance and kindness from those they are kind to. I’ve been horribly used, abused and harmed by Narcissists and NEVER by a Co-dependent in my life!
You make an excellent point - re when you've left behind the toxic partner, toxic family etc, you're progressing with healing but the loneliness starts to mess with your head. You start considering going back because the "new life" is taking longer to build. And no matter what cheery self-help social media banner tells us - friends may be your chosen new family. But let's be real, the gaping hole that an absent family gashed in us, we will always carry it. Even the strongest of us seriously struggle and consider giving in. In my darker moments I've been so close to picking up that phone, it's scary.
Fantastic! Thank you.
Fools Rush In.
Take your time and watch the signs.
Rules struck a chord. This video just explained why my sister is how she is! Shame based culture wow! That is damning but so true! Falling into romantic relationships that trigger their old rules. Every sentence made so much sense.
I really should connected with myself its hard sometimes check in with my inner child k really should learn how to be ny own friend
That whole notion about the Template we have is so spot on.
It's why we always miraculously seem to end up in these horrible situations.
Anyone can scream 'victim blamer' at me all they like but grow up and understand the role you play in this.
Take responsibility and you might actually learn to avoid getting used n abused quite as much.
Kinda proud of myself for going slow af with people now. Its incredible how they switch at the 6 month mark.
And I'm so pleased to hear Tim talk about the mass-adopted group mindset where if you say the wrong thing you're out.
Speaking from experience of what ive seen it's the absolute antithesis of the open minded values, or intellectual refined beliefs they claim to have.
I totally agree with you. It usually takes 3-6 months max for a narcissist to reveal their true nature.
We can help protect ourselves without blame.
Learn to muscle test! Your body knows! You can ask your body anything and it will answer correctly. Also learn to use a pendulum, you get instant results.
I’m fascinated!! Can you explain a little bit more? This sounds really interesting since our bodies have so much wisdom. I will google this but would love to hear more about this from you.
🎯 Excellent video, thank u! 👍🙂👍
I'm feeling so much turbulence when connecting with myself 😢
So true and good info
They have a spirit about them that causes you to keep questioning your judgement. Not all nice and kind and loving people are narcissists as we know, look for the empathy. Usually if you tell them what you're going through or a story that requires empathy, but you will see that there will be no real response from them. That's how I tell usually. Also, they boast about something in their life that makes them appear like things are perfect.
I don’t experience the problem of me rushing in to friendships or relationships, I experience people who are embedding themselves too quickly into my life. And it doesn’t matter how nicely you try to deal with them they don’t like it when you try to set some healthy boundaries and distance. I mean things get real nasty after you try to. Does anyone else have that problem?
It was unconditional