Truth bombs and always in your videos! I love the appreciation for FAs being lie detectors-once a vibe is off, something deep within is ringing bells and alarms.
Primarily secure here. Any attachment style has a lie detector. Self awareness and your intuition is 100% In a healthy relationship 2 people take care of each other. Interdependence. However shared core values emotional maturity emotional intimacy, loyalty, commitment, good relationship skills, shared agreements and a blendable lifestyle creates compatibility. A team player. Equality reciprocity and mutuality is a healthy relationship.
I think as FAs, sometimes we need to talk and sometimes others simply need to be more attentive and caring. All the relationships (platonic, familial included) I had where I felt safe was with observant and patient people. I had to work on communicating more but I had the motivation to do it by seeing them try. I wonder if any other FA relates to me.
I’m with you. I try not to expect much from people while playing my part bc so often I end up being hurt or abandoned or taken advantage of. But the ones that stick around for years… and it DOES take years… and consistently show up and are reliable and safe… I eventually start to let my guard down around.
Thank you for articulating exactly how I feel as an FA. I can be extremely warm/loving in relationships so it can surprising to learn that I actually have an avoidant attachment style. "Trapped" is exactly the word I would use to describe how I feel when I'm triggered. My worst fear is to be at the mercy of someone else... In my relationships I do well as long as I have an "escape route" planned out in the back of my head. I can't fully commit until I know the other person is "safe" beyond doubt if that makes sense.
I’m just learning about FA stuff and it’s so unnerving to see all the patterns laid out. I never understood or even NOTICED that I’d often pursue controlling abusive men, and that after a honeymoon phase I’d always… inevitably, break things off and escape. I remember one guy who was openly cheating started yelling at me because he expected me to be hurt or care, but I just felt numb. Everyone hurts me, everyone betrays me, no one is safe… So why feel hurt? It’s better to expect it and make plans for how to get away. Be single for a few months, and then get pulled back into something. It makes me so angry 😅
The noticing all the details and incongruencies is definitively a big deal for me... it piles up and then i implode, and later i deactivate... thank you so much Thais, i will definitively learn to communicate around that topic much more, because it creates so much bitterness and distance in me !!!! 😢
Same here... Being ignored, blocked, not being considered... basically all the stonewalling and silent treatment, it triggers my strong need for justice, fairness and respect... and usually that's what makes me feel stuck on someone... I always secretly hope that they will recognize that they treated me poorly... and of course, it never happens... they never recognize it... I have to go and say it myself, to feel that I regain my personal power...
Love, love this .. working on boundaries which lessens my guilt.. had big scary parents and am so attracted to dissMissive behaviors so I can earn my worth 🤦🏻♀️ thank u thank u thank u 🙏🏼 ❤😊
Yep, same here... overbearing parents who constantly made me feel that I am a bad person... it's so difficult to change that narrative... as kids we see our parents as Gods, and we can't conceive that they're just humans with fucked-up moments ... we took everything as if it was our fault... my parents were arguing so much, mother often threatening to leave the house... I remember I was insomniac, getting up being super anxious and just checking that they were not dying during their sleep... I was so afraid of them abandoning me...
yesssss i really have been realizing and finding out how fearful i am, constantly. that my feeing unsafe and afraid was shadow and i couldnt even identify it. its like, so foreign to me, so divorced from my conscious mind. i have been like trying to recognize it more, fear is difficult for me to identify in other people too.
“Don’t do this with your boss!” 😂 It’s funny bc sometimes your boss is EXACTLY the person who’s switching up on you, and it can be very confusing… but that’s workplace leadership for you.
2:30 As an ex to a FA who broke my heart, this listing of core wounds brought tears to my eyes. It fits so well with the signals I got and I feel so bad for her... 😥 If only I managed to keep us together I could work on being the best partner to her and support her on her journey out of this this chaos she must feel... 😔"I will be betrayed... I am unsafe... I am unworthy... I am bad... " Despite being crazy with me, she responded to me as if I could betray her at any moment, creating distance, but then at the same time feeling oddly unworthy of being with me and my love & attention. This was always so crazy to me, because she's super-smart and gorgeous and I think the world of her! She even literally said it once about a surprise I didn't get to give her that she "probably didn't deserve it anyway..." I mean... What!? 😳
The ending of the video was quite cute. Lovely of him to catch on to what is being done on autopilot. To make it known when someone is being considerate rather than taking advantage of their consideration is always greatly appreciated and a step into a better direction.
Oh, so those weird beliefS DO come from somewhere. In some ways I’m securely attached and intellectually I do know that I’m valuable and my worth is not earned but these thoughts of having to please others, wanting to be valued and fearing betrayal, intense guilt and disrespect are something I have been struggling with for so long. This really inspires me to develop skills of communicating what I perceive (red flags) so I can learn to be more secure. 🙏🏽 thank you!!
Based on a quiz I took I’m FA. I have to say I’m so happy you said after some time, you have trust enough that certain things you may notice may not be what you think and isn’t as big a deal anymore in certain situations. I told my ex DA that my trust comes, but it’s not going to be as quickly as he wants it to be. He always felt accused if I asked a question. Anyway, I always felt like an idiot for not trusting so fast, but it’s good to know I know me and I know it can happen but takes time.
I love all your videos, but this one has been particularly illuminating to me as an FA. Thank you so much, Thais, for bringing all this insight and knowledge to a forum where anyone in need can access it. Been meaning to say this to you for a while.... ❤
Again another great video. I enjoy these snippets from our webinars once in a while, it reminds us of what we learnt and highlights that specific topic. Sometimes listening to the webinars I forget portions of it, having these are good reminders. loving this series of fearful avoidants😊 thank you Thais, see you tonight and love you❤
Thank for your amazing work and warm personality! Your skills and great communication are very appreciated. Could you share a bit about differences with attachment styles when there are different relationship roles? It seems like most of your work centers on romantic relationships and friendships, but are there differences in how you bypass core wounds if as a parent you have a young adopted child who is fearful avoidant and extremely (aggressively) resistant to connecting or bypassing his core wounds due to multiple disruptions and placements? How can you connect in this case and help them heal?
To be honest it sounds like you basically have to walk on eggshells at all times otherwise you'll end up inadvertently triggering them into deactivation. That happened with me (AA) and my FA ex.. its mentally exhausting having to always second guess yourself and approach things in juuuuust the right way so they don't get scared off.
Hey I've recently come across your channel and find your content very helpful and interesting but am a little lost....please guide me to a video that's a good starting point like what are all the different attachment styles and what am I etc
I can't cancel my subscription to these courses. I've emailed and no one is responding. Is this a scam? It says you can cancel at any time but the cancellation is no where to be found and no one is replying to my email.
Thais, I love your content, and I'm very grateful for your 0:30 willingness to share so much amazingly helpful information. I've listened to several hours of your videos over the last couple of days. I'm offering this feedback with kindness and hope for increasing your reach. You have a lovely voice when you speak fully without vocal fry. When you slip into the vocal fry pattern it is hard to stay focused on what you're saying. For neurodivergent folks it is like fingernails on a chalkboard.
@@daniP4728 Working with your unconscious mind to uncover the parts of yourself that you repress and hide from yourself. This can include trauma or parts of your personality that you subconsciously consider undesirable.
I am an FA and open to talk, but if/when the other person gets defensive, only hears me through their perspective and misinterprets me without asking questions, gives a response that is the opposite of who they came across as or seems unsure in any way, it can trigger us. For instance, I had a guy love bomb the crap out of me and dished out all his feelings, but when I started falling in love too and asked what his goals for us are, he was a wreck and said he's not seeing anyone else, but doesn't want a label. To an FA that's extremely confusing. We did end up with a label in the end, but that's one example of why we have a hard time talking.
@@LeeChrissyNot to make excuses for him, but I'm a codependent w/ FA tendencies, and I know that it all comes down to security and trust that goes both ways. So expressing contradictory needs or being arbitrarily vague about them is a sign of some kind of discomfort or insecurity somewhere that he feared expressing. I know that's a red flag for FAs, which is exactly why it turns out worse most of the time, because it's an internal conflict between flight or fight and attachment
@@kongming66 yes it absolutely was a fear. He associates relationships with negativity and doesn't want anyone relying on him for emotional support. He also doesn't want to give the impression that he ever wants to get married because he doesn't, but I never want marriage either. He's a DA.
Truth bombs and always in your videos! I love the appreciation for FAs being lie detectors-once a vibe is off, something deep within is ringing bells and alarms.
Primarily secure here.
Any attachment style has a lie detector.
Self awareness and your intuition is 100%
In a healthy relationship 2 people take care of each other. Interdependence. However shared core values emotional maturity emotional intimacy, loyalty, commitment, good relationship skills, shared agreements and a blendable lifestyle creates compatibility. A team player.
Equality reciprocity and mutuality is a healthy relationship.
My DA/FFA convinced himself I was lying and using him. A way off mindreader... convinced himself and his paranoia that he was right.
I think as FAs, sometimes we need to talk and sometimes others simply need to be more attentive and caring. All the relationships (platonic, familial included) I had where I felt safe was with observant and patient people. I had to work on communicating more but I had the motivation to do it by seeing them try. I wonder if any other FA relates to me.
I’m with you. I try not to expect much from people while playing my part bc so often I end up being hurt or abandoned or taken advantage of. But the ones that stick around for years… and it DOES take years… and consistently show up and are reliable and safe… I eventually start to let my guard down around.
Absolutely
Thank you for articulating exactly how I feel as an FA. I can be extremely warm/loving in relationships so it can surprising to learn that I actually have an avoidant attachment style. "Trapped" is exactly the word I would use to describe how I feel when I'm triggered. My worst fear is to be at the mercy of someone else... In my relationships I do well as long as I have an "escape route" planned out in the back of my head. I can't fully commit until I know the other person is "safe" beyond doubt if that makes sense.
I feel this so hard
I feel the same
Thanks for sharing 🧡🧡
Yup
I’m just learning about FA stuff and it’s so unnerving to see all the patterns laid out. I never understood or even NOTICED that I’d often pursue controlling abusive men, and that after a honeymoon phase I’d always… inevitably, break things off and escape. I remember one guy who was openly cheating started yelling at me because he expected me to be hurt or care, but I just felt numb. Everyone hurts me, everyone betrays me, no one is safe… So why feel hurt? It’s better to expect it and make plans for how to get away. Be single for a few months, and then get pulled back into something.
It makes me so angry 😅
The noticing all the details and incongruencies is definitively a big deal for me... it piles up and then i implode, and later i deactivate... thank you so much Thais, i will definitively learn to communicate around that topic much more, because it creates so much bitterness and distance in me !!!! 😢
Disrespect and unfairness are the top triggers for me. Whether happening to me or someone around me. My blood just boils and I have to react.
Same here... Being ignored, blocked, not being considered... basically all the stonewalling and silent treatment, it triggers my strong need for justice, fairness and respect... and usually that's what makes me feel stuck on someone... I always secretly hope that they will recognize that they treated me poorly... and of course, it never happens... they never recognize it... I have to go and say it myself, to feel that I regain my personal power...
Love, love this .. working on boundaries which lessens my guilt.. had big scary parents and am so attracted to dissMissive behaviors so I can earn my worth 🤦🏻♀️ thank u thank u thank u 🙏🏼 ❤😊
You're welcome :)
Yep, same here... overbearing parents who constantly made me feel that I am a bad person... it's so difficult to change that narrative... as kids we see our parents as Gods, and we can't conceive that they're just humans with fucked-up moments ... we took everything as if it was our fault... my parents were arguing so much, mother often threatening to leave the house... I remember I was insomniac, getting up being super anxious and just checking that they were not dying during their sleep... I was so afraid of them abandoning me...
yesssss i really have been realizing and finding out how fearful i am, constantly. that my feeing unsafe and afraid was shadow and i couldnt even identify it. its like, so foreign to me, so divorced from my conscious mind. i have been like trying to recognize it more, fear is difficult for me to identify in other people too.
“I could try and like reprogram being hypervigilant but I kinda like the upsides of it” 😂😂 yaaasss Thais queen
“Don’t do this with your boss!” 😂 It’s funny bc sometimes your boss is EXACTLY the person who’s switching up on you, and it can be very confusing… but that’s workplace leadership for you.
2:30 As an ex to a FA who broke my heart, this listing of core wounds brought tears to my eyes. It fits so well with the signals I got and I feel so bad for her... 😥 If only I managed to keep us together I could work on being the best partner to her and support her on her journey out of this this chaos she must feel... 😔"I will be betrayed... I am unsafe... I am unworthy... I am bad... "
Despite being crazy with me, she responded to me as if I could betray her at any moment, creating distance, but then at the same time feeling oddly unworthy of being with me and my love & attention. This was always so crazy to me, because she's super-smart and gorgeous and I think the world of her! She even literally said it once about a surprise I didn't get to give her that she "probably didn't deserve it anyway..." I mean... What!? 😳
You a brilliant, beautiful queen!
The ending of the video was quite cute. Lovely of him to catch on to what is being done on autopilot. To make it known when someone is being considerate rather than taking advantage of their consideration is always greatly appreciated and a step into a better direction.
Oh, so those weird beliefS DO come from somewhere. In some ways I’m securely attached and intellectually I do know that I’m valuable and my worth is not earned but these thoughts of having to please others, wanting to be valued and fearing betrayal, intense guilt and disrespect are something I have been struggling with for so long. This really inspires me to develop skills of communicating what I perceive (red flags) so I can learn to be more secure. 🙏🏽 thank you!!
Stuck in coping with fear is 100%
Based on a quiz I took I’m FA. I have to say I’m so happy you said after some time, you have trust enough that certain things you may notice may not be what you think and isn’t as big a deal anymore in certain situations. I told my ex DA that my trust comes, but it’s not going to be as quickly as he wants it to be. He always felt accused if I asked a question. Anyway, I always felt like an idiot for not trusting so fast, but it’s good to know I know me and I know it can happen but takes time.
I love all your videos, but this one has been particularly illuminating to me as an FA. Thank you so much, Thais, for bringing all this insight and knowledge to a forum where anyone in need can access it. Been meaning to say this to you for a while.... ❤
Loved the point about communication and the personal example you shared!
Again another great video. I enjoy these snippets from our webinars once in a while, it reminds us of what we learnt and highlights that specific topic. Sometimes listening to the webinars I forget portions of it, having these are good reminders. loving this series of fearful avoidants😊 thank you Thais, see you tonight and love you❤
INCREDIBLE CONTENT!!
THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME TO BECOME MYSELF!!
None therapist has showed me anything of this before
🙏🙏🙏
This is so helpful. Thank you❤
Thank for your amazing work and warm personality! Your skills and great communication are very appreciated. Could you share a bit about differences with attachment styles when there are different relationship roles? It seems like most of your work centers on romantic relationships and friendships, but are there differences in how you bypass core wounds if as a parent you have a young adopted child who is fearful avoidant and extremely (aggressively) resistant to connecting or bypassing his core wounds due to multiple disruptions and placements? How can you connect in this case and help them heal?
exactly what I needed! so relevant
To be honest it sounds like you basically have to walk on eggshells at all times otherwise you'll end up inadvertently triggering them into deactivation. That happened with me (AA) and my FA ex.. its mentally exhausting having to always second guess yourself and approach things in juuuuust the right way so they don't get scared off.
Hey I've recently come across your channel and find your content very helpful and interesting but am a little lost....please guide me to a video that's a good starting point like what are all the different attachment styles and what am I etc
I went to her website to take the free quiz. Took that info and came back to TH-cam. She has playlists on here that may help.
7:16 ❤
So I’m an FA and also seeing an FA.. constant push and pull. Any advice on how to get out of the cycle of us being vulnerable?
I can't cancel my subscription to these courses. I've emailed and no one is responding. Is this a scam? It says you can cancel at any time but the cancellation is no where to be found and no one is replying to my email.
Thais, I love your content, and I'm very grateful for your 0:30 willingness to share so much amazingly helpful information.
I've listened to several hours of your videos over the last couple of days. I'm offering this feedback with kindness and hope for increasing your reach. You have a lovely voice when you speak fully without vocal fry. When you slip into the vocal fry pattern it is hard to stay focused on what you're saying. For neurodivergent folks it is like fingernails on a chalkboard.
I’m FA AF 🤷🏻♀️
I was….been working on it. Shadow work has been an amazing help along with sharing needs and boundaries.
@@Regina.Clarke what Is shadow work?
@@daniP4728 th-cam.com/video/rRVlWEwmbfQ/w-d-xo.html
@@daniP4728 Working with your unconscious mind to uncover the parts of yourself that you repress and hide from yourself. This can include trauma or parts of your personality that you subconsciously consider undesirable.
4:30
"I am weak"
"I am disrespected"
OOOOOOOF. Hurts.
You have beautiful teeth!
Dear FAs, we are not mind readers, so... just try talking ? Why not?😅
I am an FA and open to talk, but if/when the other person gets defensive, only hears me through their perspective and misinterprets me without asking questions, gives a response that is the opposite of who they came across as or seems unsure in any way, it can trigger us. For instance, I had a guy love bomb the crap out of me and dished out all his feelings, but when I started falling in love too and asked what his goals for us are, he was a wreck and said he's not seeing anyone else, but doesn't want a label. To an FA that's extremely confusing. We did end up with a label in the end, but that's one example of why we have a hard time talking.
It seems like you didn’t watch the video and are just reacting to the title.
@@LeeChrissyNot to make excuses for him, but I'm a codependent w/ FA tendencies, and I know that it all comes down to security and trust that goes both ways. So expressing contradictory needs or being arbitrarily vague about them is a sign of some kind of discomfort or insecurity somewhere that he feared expressing. I know that's a red flag for FAs, which is exactly why it turns out worse most of the time, because it's an internal conflict between flight or fight and attachment
@@kongming66 yes it absolutely was a fear. He associates relationships with negativity and doesn't want anyone relying on him for emotional support. He also doesn't want to give the impression that he ever wants to get married because he doesn't, but I never want marriage either. He's a DA.
Bc a lot of us grew up in situations where talking was dangerous, and it’s hard to shake that.
Why would you want to deeply connect with anyone? Creepy and unnecessary
Why is it creepy? Connecting with your partner and feeling deeply understood is an amazing feeling.
You dear, sound like a dismissive avoidant 🤔😅
It is necessary to have a deep connection. It hurts so much to not have one😢😢
@@LeeChrissy A puddle says why would you want to be an ocean? its just water!