I Don't Think My Friend Should Get Married! (What Should I Do?)
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 5 ก.พ. 2025
- I Don't Think My Friend Should Get Married! (What Should I Do?)
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I’ve been married for 7 years and I wouldn’t presume to give marriage advice. This is one of those situations where the more you know the more you realize how little you know.
It doesn't have to be absolute advice, but you probably know more about marriage than someone recently engaged. Normally the first year (latter half) is the hardest because you discover things about each other that didn't come out in dating and can only be discovered while living with each other. By the same token, there are things about marriage that you could learn from someone that has been married 20 years. I could learn stuff about marriage from folks married 50 years.
It may be selfish to withhold from mentoring a younger married couple.
I think it's better when you have a close relationship with the couple. And it depends on how you bring it up.
After being married 24 years and bailing on a friend that long ago for similar reasons, it was super humbling to go back to that friend and apologize for my absolute ignorance. Marriage is hard and even 24 years in we are still learning so much every year. This guy has some ideals that will slap him against the face eventually like it did me.
I've been the guy in the 1st call. My close friend married a monster of a man. I told her I pled with her. So did our other friend. There were so many red flags. BUT I went to the wedding. Because when you're in too deep to get out you need to know you're not alone. I couldn't go to their home, couldn't bring my kids to their home, he's violent and unstable. But I kept in touch. He pulled a gun on her just a few months back and she finally divorced him. And the whole time she knew that I was worried and didn't like the relationship but I LOVED HER no matter what.
Exactly, friends need to be there for each other. Not lead them like a teacher/mentor
She needed to know there was a support line too!
It’s not entirely similar but the ex of my bff who has cheated on her several times resulting in multiple kids has told her he wants to marry her. She’s not going to but when she told me I told her straight up and that I wasn’t afraid to tell her “that would be the biggest mistake of your life”. He is fine as a person but not someone you marry.
Wow this makes me cry... that's unconditional love you showed 💕 I declined to be my sister's witness at her 2nd wedding because it violated my beliefs. I regret that.
Good Friend
The problem with the first call is he is comparing his marriage to his friend’s marriage and he is approaching it in a superiority type of way. His friend and the fiancé are not defined by their backgrounds. In fact, their difficult backgrounds could possibly create a stronger marriage bond than someone from a “healthy” background.
True I’ve seen couples who came from “ healthy “ backgrounds divorce after 1-2 years of marriage because they didn’t meet up to their own expectations of what a marriage should look like and the frustration that they felt when their marriage didn’t come up to par to other marriages
Yes and further he says they’re “not ready” listing their background as the reason. Peoples backgrounds DO NOT CHANGE with time.
Totally agree 💯
I have a disability and I can say being married would be seriously tough and can see why he may think this.
Agreed. The caller might have legitimate concerns for his friend, but that isn’t his call to make. It’s the friend’s, even if that means the friend has to endure some hard met consequences.
Furthermore, I think it’s fair to say that this caller is confusing judgment for counsel. While he seems authentic in having concern for his friend, the way he is framing the whole narrative suggests that he’s subconsciously judging his friend through the lens of what is a very young marriage for him.
The first call was quite annoying. It’s great to voice your concerns with your friends but they don’t have to follow your rules. How many times is he going to say “he looks up to me” okay great, do you want a trophy? The arrogance and judgement is sickening.
Sometimes it isn’t always black and white. I’ve had friends that looked up to me and broke boundaries thinking I could save them. They saw me as a solution to their issues because I was present and supportive. Also, I let them cross the line because at the time I thought helping meant enabling.
Regardless, I hope each party gets the help and resolve they both need and can have a healthy friendship.
I thought he just sounded concern. Coming into a marriage with HUGE challenges & inadequate maturity issues & bad family backgrounds sounds like a failure waiting to happen. AND if they aren't into premarital classes & have no religious support, it doesn't sound good or hopeful. Marriage is challenging blending 2 lives under good skills & devotion. I'd bow out of participating if it seemed REALLY unrealistic. Premarital counseling would be A MUST here.
Totally agree. Guys on his high horse and thinks he’s better than his friend and doesn’t have respect for him. “They’re both really emotionally immature”
@@susanburrows810 John could tell right away that he wasn’t just concerned. He wanted to talk his “friend” out of getting married. He wanted to control the situation, and it was not an equal friendship. And the fact that she has a disability and he has a problem with that, nope…. John handled him perfectly, he let this guy know he was raising HIS son to be a true friend, as opposed to someone who will only be there if things are on his terms. And he left him know very strongly how he felt about the guy throwing her disability in there like it was a red flag. And then he got off the phone as fast as he could. I have never seen him get off the phone with someone that fast!
Friends and parents are mostly correct. They can 'see", because they ARNE'T in love with the problem, man/woman.
My rule: tell a friend ONCE, and once only, if you have concerns serious enough to be worried. Be clear, specific and concise. Promise you will never, including nonverbally, bring it up again, and will continue the friendship, if that's what your friend wants.
A couple of times, the friend asked open ended questions, and wanted to air their worries, too. I wish before I married, someone'd had the courage to have that sit-down with me! (It's years since the divorce, and I haven't healed.) I may have been too pig headed to listen, but at least I'd have had a chance for reexamination.
And if I HADN'T listened, at least now I'd have the memory of someone caring and trusting enough of me to hold out a hand for help.
I'm actually really surprised that everyone here disagrees. I totally agree with you. I don't even think he sounded that judgemental. My suspicion based on the small bit he shared about his own marriage is that his own marriage has been rough. He's trying to save his friend from that. He's not saying, "my friend is not good enough." He's saying, "Geesh, marriage is a whole ball of hardship, and one has to be very ready. I wish someone sat me down and told me this."
While I agree with Dr John that he should say his piece, then respect his friend's decision, I thought the rest was not my conclusion.
I absolutely think friends can and should try to warn their friends of red flags. The stakes are high, and people can be so blind during the high dopamine stages.
However, a friend or family member should never talk someone into marriage. The person should go with their gut. The reason being, it is easy to be clouded toward marriage, but if you feel like you shouldn't marry, it's likely for a good reason, and your friends aren't close enough to the situation to tell. So many people seem awesome from the outside who aren't behind closed doors.
You can always find someone new. Error on the side of not getting married when in doubt.
I agree with you. A caring friend or relative should always share their concerns and then support them regardless of their decision. I took my niece to dinner before she married her FIRST husband. I talked to her for two hours and shared all my concerns. At the end I told her I would, of course, support her regardless of her decision. I was in their wedding and was there for her less than a year later when she left him. We can’t make them listen, BUT we should always share our loving concern…just be really careful what you say! You don’t want it to come back to bite you.
This is WISDOM. I once challenged a friend abt the drinking habits of her fiance. She was actually expressed appreciation because I cared enough to have a hard conversation. This is what friends & family are for. The guy in the call sounds like he wants to write off his friend if he makes a choice he disagrees with. This is the test of conditional vs unconditional love.
Many young Christians are insecure abt being friends with those who don't follow their set of rules. It does take maturity & security in oneself to do so...
I agree with you! If one’s friend knows something is not right, it is the duty of that friend to speak up, once is enough but by all means, caring means sometimes we have to break people the bad news.
@msbeecee1
That's a good point, bc. It does take self confidence to carry out that warning in a constructive way. Otherwise we could come across as shrill, petty, alarmist, nosy, what have you--and we KNOW the person in the dopamine rush (as another replier put it) is going to defensively be looking for ways to discredit our concerns.
I came for an extremely dysfunctional family and the family I created with my husband is COMPLETELY different, stable, healthy and strong! I learned from from what I saw and grew up to be a different spouse and parent. This guys is talking from his high horse! 13 years with my husband and never have I thought to judge people for whom they marry or why they do so 🤦🏻♀️
Girl same going on 12 years!!!
No kidding, likewise, the first dude is on such a high horse. People who had whack childhoods and upbringings deserve to make their own marriages as well. If i couldnt get married until i didnt have a mental illness and didnt have a rocky past, itd have never happened.
I’m crying I’m so Gwen 😢😢😢😢😢
Good for you and your husband. You've proved that people CAN create a different outcome. You've also broken the family treadmill curse - where people assume that because you're from a difficult childhood that you just have to repeat that.
Boy, you don't sound very wise. Can you articulate WHY you're so different, besides " just didn't want to repeat bad behaviors." I'm glad for you. MANY MANY people are not self- sacrificing & willing to get help, when there are harmful & unloving patterns. A good marriage takes A LOT of giving & 2 people willing & courageous to hear.❤
Time Stamps:
2:32 I don't think my friend should get married.
10:21 My life isn't turning out how I expected.
20:20 How can I reconcile with my family.
33:00 ER doctor; seeking leadership advice
Awesome!
Thank youu!😊
Thank you angel!
Dr. D hit the nail on this one! 18 months of marriage? Wow! He's extremely judgmental! If he's a good friend, he would tell him what he thinks and move on! Support your friend! That's what friendship is about.
He thinks 18mths makes him able to give marriage advice 🤨
Lol yeah that's funny
dat cute...
Right what a joke they are still newlyweds
He doesn’t have much experience but he wants to help. Most people don’t get pre-marriage counseling. I don’t think many counselors are worth their salt anyway! (A good book sometimes is better). I hope the young couple will be ok and struggle through together with Love, and live Happily Ever After! ❤️
It's actually hilarious. I was genuinely laughing out loud.
John handled this so well! It’s nice to hear his compassion for this dude’s friend.
He's only been married 18 months. That literally nothing. I don't give marriage advice further than communication and compromise are key to happiness and I've been married for almost 9 years. The longer you've been married, the more you learn and also, the less you learn because everyone is different.
I wish I’d had a friend who had “judged” and insulted me before my first, abusive horrible marriage.
Its tough, makes the friend seem like shes jealous of ur happiness . Makes it hard to say anything
@@Wintersnow889 So true, but a genuine friend speaks the hard things in a kind way.
Yeah but the difference is that abuse is a moral issue. First caller's friend did not have moral issues, his fiance wasn't abusive or an cheater, his objection was because they both came from broken homes and she has a disability, two things she cannot help. Being abusive is a choice, hence its moral.
@@4Him4EverIn all fairness, if someone had given you advice not to marry your first husband, do you honestly believe you would have listened?? Doubtful. At least you learned from your mistakes and that is worth its weight in gold❤
The majority of my friends and family didn't want me to get married to my now husband. I understood their reasons. But I understood our journey as well and went forward despite the opposition. Eight years later, we are happy. We've worked out a lot together, both before and after the wedding, but we both were dedicated to the improvement of ourselves and our relationship. I have zero hard feelings toward those who told us not to get married, and most of them are still in our lives (several ghosted me when I chose not to heed their warnings). I'm glad I got married. AND I'm glad I have people who love me enough to voice their concerns but still stand by me when I make my final decision.
First caller is acting like people who come from trauma and abuse don't deserve to find love.
And disabled people, too, apparently
Gwen- if you ever read these comments (3 years later), I want to personally say thank you. I also have a mother with schizophrenia, and my raising 4 kids without having a mom in my corner has so many added challenges, on top of not having been shown the healthy building blocks of a mother/child relationship from the beginning. I also struggle with some of this, so while I'm not happy that you've also suffered from it, I appreciate knowing that I'm not alone. I hope you are truly shown every day how loved and lovely you are. ❤
Me too Amanda..35 and the gravity of walking through life with a heavy backpack full of rocks and a 2 year old to raise is heavy. I relate all too well to Gwen and hope she is going okay
Why is no one talking about the doctor? I love the fact that he cares about the people around him 🥺 says a lot about him!
Absolutely agree! A real leader asking for advice on how to be there to support their team. What a champ. I’d love to work for someone who genuinely cares that much.
Definitely!! I’ve heard from people that work in hospitals (non medical staff) that a lot of doctors have God complexes. Coupled with the fact that the profession tends to attract narcissist, it’s great to hear about the compassion.
@@jilewaSo true. Especially considering how many doctors out there have a god complex. Almost every doctor I've worked with had a god complex. They tend to think everyone around them is dumber than them unless they have a medical degree. They are excessively arrogant and usually downright jerks. Even the nurses can be arrogant know-it-alls; especially once the doctor leaves the room. This doctor is clearly different for sure and his staff and patients are lucky to have him.
Young people do get married to save each other out of bad situations and make a better life. This caller is judging his friend based in his own life and not theirs.
Yes I agree there could be an element of judgement but can we consider that he could also be genuinely concerned and yes he must be told that he does sound judgemental but not to the point of him being made out to be a bad person
He just seemed really concerned to me.😊
Well Gwen’s call definitely got me teary-eyed. God Bless you Gwen. I hope you find a great therapist and peace. My mom also has untreated mental illness.
Testament to the love of a daughter - for sure. I pray for her
Honestly, I wouldn't even do the "sit down chat" with the friend getting married. He's an adult, there's no fraud involved, there's no abuse. Just be there and hope for the best. I know its tough but the friend will resent the "sit down" eventually.
Na. As a friend, you need to talk. I had a friend who was marrying a total raging malignant narcissist. I sat her down and told her that she needed to go to premarital counseling before she gets married. I told her under no circumstances did she get married without sitting down to explore the other person in a meaningful way. She needed tools for marriage. I didn't express to her how much of a total ass wipe he was. I just let her know that she had to go to counseling and that if we were friends that she would take this advice and do the work. She went, for a little bit, he pretended to make changes, and she got married in secret. I was devastated that she still chose to marry this person but at least I'd given her sound advice and I said my peace. Within a year, she decided to leave the marriage. I was so happy. We talked about it afterwards. She admitted that she always had reservations but she thought maybe things would be different. The therapy did help teach her what things were supposed to look like. After she married, he reverted back to his old patterns, she knew that she couldn't stay in that marriage. She's doing great now
I disagree. If in your conscience & heart you feel compelled to share what you've learned, do it in love. Plus point them to counsel, especially pre- marital counseling. Everyone SHOULD be open to hearing SOLID MARRIAGE DEVELOPMENT. There are SO MANY failed & sad & bad marriages-- uh it's a huge challenge apparently. Because we are all sinners. It takes A LOT to make one work well & continue. (Dr. John has those weekend marriage sessions, & lots & lots & lots of people need professional help.) Aren't people aware of these things? YES.❤
@susanburrows810 if they ask your advice sincerely, then yes, but if it's unsolicited, it leads to hurt feelings and accusations of being patronizing or a know it all. I've made that mistake too much and it's always been a mistake. But do what you want.
I think it's important to caringly point out the potential struggles... but to ultimately stand by the friend. I have pointed out potential issues to friends, and they have expressed appreciation.
@msbeecee1 fair enough, but I imagine the person already knows those things. Now of course, solicited advice rather than unsolicited is a different matter, though it still requires finesse.
Oh Dr. John. You made me giggle with what you said at the end of that first call to him. I don’t think you were too pleased with that guys attitude. And rightly so.
I had a couple of good friends warn me ahead of time to really think about that I was doing... I kinda resented it at the time, but in hindsight it made so much sense and I admire the courage it took for them to speak up when they could tell something wasn’t quite right. If you have a good rapport with the person, please don’t be afraid to speak your truth! They may or may not listen/take your advice....but someday it may all make sense to them. And they will remember the courage it took for you to be honest.
Yes, I really appreciate people being honest with me, also, even if I don't like it.
I’m playing catch up on Dr John’s call in show…. Wow. The first call….I married a man who is a paraplegic. It’s been tough. It’s been fun. It’s hard. He hasn’t worked and a lot of my family didn’t like that we were getting married. My dad even gave me the tough advise of “you’re going to have to work the rest of your life” and I said, well who doesn’t? They still supported us and have been there for us but they didn’t have a lot of joy for us in the beginning. But, the roller coaster that it has been has been life changing for us both. we’ve been married 36 years this last December. I think if you love someone it’s ok to hold hands and jump in. I’m curious how it all worked out for this guy and his friend. ❤ thanks Dr Delony.
Wow congrats on the long successful relationship!
Wow. You have a great testimony that all things are possible. I'm ignorant of how this can work & would probably have been skeptical, too. I'm amazed & glad to read ur story. 🙏
Gwen - make that call ! We're all pulling for you.
Gwen’s story made me cry so hard. When Dr. John was telling her those wonderful things, I cried because I needed to hear that.
❤️
❤️
Yes, it was really sad, but what JOhn said was very touching. I agree.
I couldn't help but tear up hearing Gwen's story. Bless her soul
Me too. I wish I knew her, I think she needs a big hug. I'm rooting for you Gwen.
I think we can all agree that Dr.John is the 🐐. He doesn’t just listen to what people say he pays attention to what they don’t say and digs deep into that to figure out the problem and a solution. Excellent as always.
This is an excellent comment. I’ve been trying to figure out what it is about him that makes him seem different, better, more tuned in, and you described it perfectly.
Also, I really appreciate the fact that the calls he takes aren’t rushed, and that there is a fair amount of time allotted to actually be of help to the callers.
What is that symbol? What is Dr. JOhn? Sometimes these symbols your phone makes can be really annoying.
Re the Gwen call: I started to get a bit choked up near the end of that. Wow! Thems was some powerful statements you made, Dr. John.
Thank you Dr John. 2 days ago someone in my life made fun of me for completing 2 years of counseling, going to growth classes and watching You Tube videos on how to learn and better myself and my family. (I have since blocked him on my phone). I’ve been through a similar childhood life as Gwen (& I’ve raised 4 sons and a daughter). Tears came to my eyes when you affirmed her, and I believe your kind words of personal value and worth for myself as well. I’ve been praying for Gods guidance. God’s timing. Just this week I came across your radio show. Thank you and God bless you for your work- doing more good than you’ll ever know.
Most the time when people say unkind things, it's so they can feel better about themselves so whatever they said, please don't take it personally because it's not about you, it's about them and their insecurities
Gwen's call hit me in the heart. Wow. I'm crying♡
Gwen, you are brave. I'm sure you are a great mom and wife! Believe in yourself! Reach out for help please. Don't continue putting yourself down. You sound like me 20 years ago, I could not talk without my voice breaking. Past terrible experiences can hunt us but we can move forward. Let that weight of your shoulders. Please seek therapy, you will feel better and you will be there specially for your 4 kids. You deserve to be happy and you can be happy.
💔❤️
As someone who knows someone very closely who has a disability and so is unable to drive and whose husband helped her get out of an abusive family, I found the first call very annoying. They currently have a very wonderful healthy, strong marriage and a good life.
This guy hints he has had some issues in his 18 month marriage because of different upbringings. Think he is very much projecting and is probably have problems in his own marriage.
Exactly. He has no business having judgment here. What authority does he have to pass judgment? Their relationship none of his business. He doesn't know what being a friend is.
I Love and will pray for every caller. I especially want to shout out the men and women on the front lines, putting their own lives and emotional well-being at risk every day so that we have someone to rely on when our needs are most urgent and dire. May God bless and protect each and every one of them.
Marriage is such an opportunity for healing. I hope that couple finds love and healing with each other as support after hurtful parents.
Marriage is NOT the place to heal. You need to be healed BEFORE you enter into a marriage. This is toxic!!!!!
I’m a paramedic in one of the busiest systems in the country. This doctor is truly special. I rarely see that relationship between physicians and EMS.
Rarely do i see EMS face to face with an MD, as an ER Nurse, unless it's a severe trauma. Our EMS pass off to us Nurses as fast as possible, because of the number of calls out in the community. We run EMS separate from Fire.
Works a bit different in Vegas
@@joywebster2678You don't run EMS. Trust me. You only do the job that you are assigned to do outside of the doctors job which is separate from your job for a reason. Nurses are often so arrogant until the doctor walks in the room 🙄
The caller at 15:00 sounds like me but older. I'm thankful that I've been in therapy for 2.5 years. Schizophrenic mom lost custody to my alcoholic dad when I was 10 and I haven't spoken to my mom in 6 years to protect my family and my siblings' new families.
I'm sorry to hear that - for women schizophrenia tends to set in later than men, in their mid-30s, so it must be terrifying to be in that position for someone who's already a mother
Sometimes " advice comes from a place of jealousy"
Frankly, a marriage is between the two people involved. Not friends. Not family. Now if someone were going to for advice, that'd be one thing. I had my husband's family meddle so much with us getting engaged. We're still strongly married years and years later. All it did was create a rift I never wanted. I wanted to be apart of his family and they rejected me. Now I mostly stick to my family and it sucks.
Let me encourage you by saying sticking to your family is not a bad option. After many years of assuming my family from many miles away care for me, I found out I'm just a number. Moved to their part of the country for other reasons than family, lived there 8 years and have nothing to show for it. They visited us once in all that time.
Well my friend tried to warn her daughter about a boy. The boy pushed the mother away. They got married. While she was pregnant with her second child she called her mom and asked if she could use an account to save some money in because things were looking like divorce. He was highly controlling and unkind.
Blanket statements don't see all the situations.
My opinion is to error on the side of not getting married when in doubt. Finding someone else is hard. Living in a bad marriage or dissolving a bad marriage is waaay harder.
Yeah ur story is a reminder that meddling for or against a marriage is a bad idea. Someone in another comment said if there are concerns, voice them once & only once. If the person pays no heed, then move forward & and never bring it up again, because concerns will poison the following years....
About critical stress debriefing, I have a different opinion than the doctor. As an emt for nine years I have been on scene at some pretty traumatic events. There is something so healing about everyone who was involved in care and treatment of a traumatic event coming together to share their feelings, and seeing their vulnerabilities and humanness.
I’d imagine that would be a really comforting grounding moment. A time to process with everyone who gets it.
I literally exhaled when she said she would call! I hope to hear from her soon
My god. Let him get married and make his own decisions/mistakes.
Right?!? Exactly what I was thinking.
Your friend is male? No man should get married unless he is marrying another man maybe, and that's a strong maybe.
I disagree.
😄🤣
@Eve of Sapience you would not have listened either way, just like you didn’t to that one person and used a lens to justify why you didn’t.
Gwen, I did sigh with relief when you said you'd make that call. I hope you did! Praying for you!
Gwen from Tennessee- I wish that I could give you a hug! My heart is heavy for you, your mom and dad. ❤️🩹
One hard thing about the Fall and Winter holidays is you can start to fantasize watching tv commercials as real life and expecting that you can make family members act nice when they are not nice. Protect your heart and like John says it may not be possible. Seeking out help from professionals is probably the best advice ever. We all need it for some reason or another.
18 months with experience under his belt 🙄🤣 they will figure it out dude.. you are just starting. Five years is when most couples start seeing things for the first time. Almost to our 10 year, and it's a ride. Better than ever now, but year 5-6 was our dumpster fire. 😳🙃 This guy acts like he deserves a medal. Tell him, John!
Yea the fact that he’s giving marriage advice after 1 year is laughable
John, I just love listening to you talk to your callers. I've had some very good therapy, but they never got on a personal level. You, on the other hand, feel strong enough to expose some of yourself. You're a real person. Not a machine, and it's very nice.
They were good at what they did, but you are real. And quite good at getting to the heart of a matter.
Kudos to you, John!
Therapy, which John isn't, involves a neutral person who is all about you the client. Their personal life can enter the talk but it's rare. It can gravey affect the therapeutic relationship. Client sees therapist to share their grief, depression, and loss over a nasty divorce. The therapist shares well my husband died from Cancer at age 38, and my son died 2 years later from a different cancer at age 10. How open would the client feel about sharing their feelings in the face of such tragedy.
I had this situation. My bff from college got engaged to her physically abusive, drug dealer boyfriend. I told her what a bad guy he was, she wouldn't believe me. 6 months later she figured out who he was and broke it off. By then she and I were estranged and didn't speak for about 5 years.
Poor woman with the kids. She didn't heal her childhood trauma. She just filled her wounds with kids and a man. That never works. You can't distract your way out of it.
ER Doctor was AWESOME 👍👍👍 THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE DOCTOR 🙏❤🙏❤
This guy frankly sounds like an extremely judgmental you know what. Support your friend and be their for his wedding. It's not your job to decide who you think he should be married to.
Dr. John, such as kind and thoughtful response, especially with the first two callers. That’s as far as I got today. Way to go.
I held my peace at a friend of my wife's wedding because he was abusive before they ever got married. Now they are divorced, and she is swinging out in left field. I regret my silence to this day.
Please speak up next time you notice abuse. The person you talk to might really appreciate it and who knows, you just might save a life.
As one who gone to comic con twice, once as Peggy Carter and as Black Widow, if there is ever a time to dress up and get in touch with your inner kid, IT IS RIGHT NOW.
Love your fandom flag fly!
If Mike is not comfortable with his friend’s decision I don’t think he should be his best man. He can be with his friend through and through anyway. Being best man is a big statement - and definitely a statement of approval. I say ‘go with your gut’ on this one.
I don't think he has a right to an opinion unless there's abuse involved and from his description there's not. He should just be the best man instead of making a scene by choosing not to.
Let the friend know one time how you feel about the marriage. Then when it falls apart and most likely it will, be there to support your friend without any " I told you so" comments
I always wear my historical tutdor dress for Halloween. I had to do it for collage. It took 2 years of research and machine and hand sewing to make it. Plus it has embroidery.I' m gonna wear it everyday chance I get because of all the work I put into it.
I've had friends get married and I knew divorce was going to be the outcome, but I didn't say anything because I knew they wouldn't listen anyway. Sure you want your friend to be happy and make good decisions, but it is their life. Most adults do not want others to dictate what they should do and offer unsolicited advice. Your job as a friend is to be supportive and only offer advice or your opinion if you are asked. Don't act like their parent. If you try to control your friend's decisions, they will not listen anyway.
You should have advised them to get pre-marital counseling, so they can get tools for a successful marriage. They will likely still marry but at least they have tools under their belt. Make your peace and move on.
I was against my friend marrying back in 2007. Fast forward 20 years later he is now divorced. Pays alimony and child support. And half of his military pension wiped out for life.
Isn’t it 13 years later?
@@Chris-tg3qy Yes you're correct.
I sometimes listen to these podcasts on my runs. As I was trying to prepare for it this morning, John had me rolling in the intro 🤣🤣
Allow me to take a moment to applaud you, Dr. Delony, for making it through those song lyrics with such stoicism. Bravo! 👏
Vicarious trauma is real! You should do an educational piece on what it is, how to know you're experiencing it, and what to do!
Awesome podcast, I listen to every episode.
Good Show Dr D! Lots of rough topics, things folks were going through, and you were on it.
🤣 I go from tears of heartache for callers to cracking up over Ghostbusters. I just love ya John!! Hugs from Napa
“Is your mother still alive?”
“I don’t really know”
That’s crazy to me
I really relate to Gwen. I dont believe people when they say im a good guy. I dont believe my wife when she says she loves me or that she wants to be with me. I appreciate these videos.
I will always tell my friends of my concerns about their relationship. I discuss it with them and gage their feelings. I just put a outside perspective. I would never tell a friend not to get married, however, I will never see a warning sign and not try to be there for my friend.
The audacity of the first caller😂😂. Bro, this is non of your business. Who do you think you are????
Hey Gwen, send you a lots of positive energy. Hold on! Hoping to hear from you again in this show!
The first time I've totally agreed with Dr John. Miracles do happen.
I feel for Gwen. What a brave, strong mom 💓
I’m just here drooling over Dr. John.
Oh Gwen, the sadness in her voice really just pierced my heart. I hope she finds some peace, she sounds genuine and kind.
Just saying - that's the best, wholesome, well thought out, empathetic and such loving advice I've come across so far. Period. ❤
The first caller might gently suggest his friend and friend's fiancé go to premarital counseling. He could also give his friend books about marriage that have helped him and his wife, however anything more will probably upset the friend.
Idolising marriage and demonising singleness leads to this
💯 💯 💯 I'm mostly single my entire life & Christian groups ostracized the unmarried. Am they have singles groups but the unspoken assumption it's to match ppl up. Women who aren't interested in being mothers are ostracized/shunned.
Good answer, I wouldn’t have thought of this - that’s why i come back again and again to listen to your show. Perhaps if someone, not a friend, but maybe a counselor had talked some sense into me i wouldn’t have married my first husband but then i wouldn’t have the children i have and I adore them, now ages 44 and 47 years
I just recommend pre marriage counseling and agreeing on money. The rest can fall into place.
Dr. John, When the caller was sharing,
I was so waiting for you to go Ferris Beuller on us
and look directly into the camera.
At 07:25, you were doing the pretend
"shoot self in head" gesture with your hand.
Amazing.
Newly joined your channel and I think you’re amazing. Well done for the work you are doing.
I low-key think the first caller wants to be with his friend and is jealous of his friend's girlfriend. There is no other explanation for it.
Wow.. I didn’t think of that. Now I need to listen to it again 🤔
Just found you today from "Jane" who was Victoria on the Dave Ramsey show. Thanks for the great advice. New Subscriber!
That first man is insufferable. His (weaponized) pseudo moralistic stance and virtue was laughable. As Dr. John said, that friendship isn't equitable.
Just hearing the girl who longs to reconnect with her Mom and I live something similar. Best thing is limited contact at best, but the Mom is incapable of giving her what she wants. She needs to mourn her Mom as dead and forgive in her heary, amd just move on and keep in touch with Dad.
Anyone ever heard th old saying...you cant tell someone else about affairs of th heart???😮
We all have difficultiesl When we choose to lean in and love one another ,we can overcome anything, and we also need to go through life experiences ,it is how we grow. Your friend is going to go through it regardless. It's a strange friendship. Stop judging them.
OMG YES! He gave some solid advice to that first caller!
My bestie married a guy who was so opposite of her, I couldn't understand it. I told her many times I didn't think it would work but I supported her.
3 kids later.........and on their 4th year of divorce.
You did what you could. It was up to them on making the marriage work
I think she was just kidding that they're on their fourth year of divorce that means they're still married after 4 years and three kids, she just thought they were going to get divorced
Oh my goodness I know someone who has been divorcing for 4 years married for 10. 3 kiddos as well.
@@Jane5720 no I meant they have been divorced for 4 years. Sorry the wording was off.
This is a really tough call. I would be terrified in this situation that you would have something like what happened to people like Shanann Watts.
Appreciate your counsel to Amelia. Very helpful in my situation.
I WISH!!!! That we had any debriefing in our ER when I worked there and ESPECIALLY during Covid! 🥺. I had one of the worst reviews in 2022 after 4 deaths (one was my father) in the family and post covid ICU deaths (as an ICU covid nurse)…. They were so critical and mean.. i was suffering from what I know now is PTSD , anxiety and panic attacks. I could barely get myself out of bed but I still showed up to work (sometimes 10-15 min late) but the straw that broke the camels back was from when I called out to go to my fathers funeral….i was written up.
October 31 is extra special to me; my daughter's 20th birthday is tomorrow! 💕
Yes One of my best friends was getting married to a guy who I knew was bad news for her. I even shared my concerns and worries for her, yet it was still important to show up for her and be in her corner regardless of whether I agreed or not. She is was/ is an adult and the choice was ultimately hers. Almost ten years later. She filed for a divorce. I hated that she had to go through it the difficult way but I’m glad she is free from a highly toxic marriage. Being there for a friend and loving on them doesn’t require you to agree with them. Just be there for them.
I trained in the wonderful RVH in belfast during the hieght of the 'Troubles', we saw things no teenager shpuld see and heard heartbreaking stories, we had no debrief ever, suck it up and we chatted among herselves
Super interesting info abt debriefing & creating culture in employment environments
Caller needs to hold his piece. Either support your friend or get out. It's not your life. The reality is he doesnt want to lose his friend.
Awesome advice for first caller Dr. Delony!!
This guy is projecting his marriage problems on his friend.
Bam !!! I came to the comments to say the same thing. He sounds like he’s miserable.
Maybe he’s also always been or felt himself the superior one in the friendship and always the one to give the advice and make the rules and is scared that he won’t be anymore if the friend has a better marriage. I could be completely wrong, but sounds like the callers mind is made up.
The first caller... I'm not sure how he presumes that his "Blessing" or "Seal of Approval" is of any real consequence. The self-importance is astounding.
There is nothing wrong with sitting someone down and explaining the possible challenges they may have in marriage. Marriage isn't easy and we discover things along the way that are helpful to others. Granted, 18 months is barely out of the honeymoon phase - so you don't have a lot of real experience to lean on. I've been married 21 years, and I still learn new things. Marriage isn't a constant high - ask any man with a menopausal wife, working through post-partum depression, extreme cycle mood swings, or any host of issues.
But, I'm not going to tell someone not to marry someone. If they still decide to do so, and they ask me to be the best man, I'm more than happy to be there. I want the couple to be successful even if the odds are against them.
'Whatever dude, this world is already a wreck." John Delony 2020
John get him!!! He’s upsetting me and not to mention he sounds sus. Lord have mercy 😭