Inner boundaries. One of the most crippling things that happen to you when growing up in a toxic family is that it sends you out into adult life unprepared to deal with toxic people. Because your parents trained you to accept the unacceptable from them. So you are conditioned to do so from anyone you perceive as an authority figure. So getting to the point where you accept that you don’t have to put up with it…and that you are not responsible for or deserving of their bad behavior can be a real challenge until you start to heal from what was done to you growing up….
@@kellygreenii Can confirm. Conflict is still scary sometimes bc as far as my brain is concerned the outcome could get violent and abusive... The anxiety from this rapidly tells my brain to react rather than respond. Beautifully said it made so much sense 🫶
Yes I get that but in the long and short of things they don’t care - they win because they triggered “ you” enough to make you walk out. I’ve done that and I’m not proud of it but I just felt like I had to do it. Truth be told I needed to stay for myself and my worthiness and respect. And leave the respectful way as a witness to the wicked people triggering me. But, you live and learn.
@@leslielutz6028that’s exactly the way I am! I know in the end if they can get me to act out of character for who I truly want to be, they win.. I want to win! Winning for me means that the impression I leave with them was that no matter how they behaved, I behaved better. In the end that’s who I WANT to be. For MYSELF. ❤
I'm diplomatic with a vengeance. Because toxic people think that you being diplomatic means they're winning, so then when you still stick to your values and previously stated goals, they freak out because they thought they were wearing you down.
Toxic bosses arent worried about burning a bridge with you, and playing by the rules to accomodate their feeling is reinforcing that its ok that bosses do it. That boss will burn bridges for you, out of spite, sometimes even if you play (fawn) by their rules.
I think that's what neurotypical people do, whether they have PTSD or not. I never understood why I couldn't do what others did. Sometimes I could, but the trauma from it was debilitating for all the other parts of my life. I always knew I wasn't normal. I was diagnosed with cptsd and ADHD a little over a year ago and level 2 autism just this month. I am 58 years old. It finally explains what I couldn't do. What everybody else could make themselves do. I totally understand what you are saying, and it is the correct response. It just isn't feasible for everyone. In order to apply it, you have to be able to view the world and react to the world in the normal fashion.
I think you're right it isn't feasible for autistic and other ND folk. I can't do it. It feels like lying to me and requires such an extreme amount of masking and energy that it destroys my nervous system. I don't think there is one right way to view and react to the world (i.e. "normal"). Pretty sure that's an ableist construction to make those of us who can't go along with the toxic games feel that we are lesser people and undeserving of decency. Being unable to remain diplomatic in the face of harmful behavior isn't a sign of anything wrong with you. We should live in a society that doesn't require that.
having justice sensitivity definitely makes this sooo much harder. I thought the same thing. I try to remember that neurodivergent folks are here because we're needed. Stability and not changing things quickly is good for group survival, so most people do that. But life is always changing and some people need to be able to quickly adapt and experiment with future options. That's what neurodivergent folks bring to our human groups.
Nailed it! Same, I'm in my 40s now and always felt like a loser bc I could not figure out why I couldn't deal with work stress and people it would create such a problem it would affect every aspect of my life and I would have to quit and I would think how do people to do!? Why am I so lazy?! Then I was diagnosed with quite a few divergences and that explains it.
really needed to hear this today. i'm planning to go no contact within the next 12 months but have to get a place to live and make sure im going to be ok. in the meantime il still being abused and manipulated. i can barely deal with it. i feel like im going to die from the abuse some days. i needed this. i needed to go no contact since i was prob 4yrs old but im 47 and had to move in with them bc of a health crisis. i have to leave tho. i can try being political until i can get myself to safety. i'm so scared. of being on my own, of the financial safety net they can be, of so many things.
Honestly I don't give notice to jobs unless we're on good terms, or I need it to find a new job. They don't offer notice for firing anyone! If a job is horrible to me I'm not going to give them the kindness of a notice for their sake
I heard a pastor say one time that 'you're not free to go until you're free to stay'. That has saved me many times from being reactive and disregarded, then regretting what I would have done. Being in an industry where everyone knows everyone, it saved my reputation.
I wish I had this advice when I was in my career. I did make reactive decisions, and at the time I couldn't see any way out except leave, sometimes before I had a job. The dysregulation and anxiety was so high and I made some poor decisions that affected me financially. Great advice.
"Diplomat the hell out of anything" .. oh you gave me a good laugh with that .. not at your expense but with recognition of myself. Thankyou! My trauma in that is that I know how to 'diplomat' but struggle to find my true feelings. They have been pushed down for so long.
pastor/missionary kid here too! my parents were/are abusive and hid it well. did yours do that or unrelated trauma? if you want to answer. if not that's cool.
@@CocoTheDiamond Mine weren’t abusive exactly, but they were both mentally ill and hid it well. I played therapist to them both and had to be perfect in public and also had zero help when I faced severe bullying at school-neither of them could have handled it and I knew it. So a mess but I wouldn’t call it abusive exactly. They didn’t generally call me names, put me down, hit me etc. etc. Nothing like that. They’d just desperately ask me to perform/be perfect because they didn’t know what would happen to their world if i didn’t show up that way. There was a lot of guilt, but never angry or coercive. Just immature most of the time.
Pastor's kid here too. Narcissistic father, enabling/co dependent (? idk) mother. We had to go to church to hear him preach love & forgiveness etc then he was angry & mean at home. He didn't want to be a father, just wanted adulation and praise from outside the family. It was the pressure of having to look like a good person to the outside world as well. His father was a pastor too so we had two generations of that mentality. I always wished he did something more normal for a job.
You can be "diplomatic", but the toxic parent will still say, "No, that never happened! Why do you keep making up stuff about me? Why do you hate me so much? I do everything for you!"
I have to practice this at least monthly, sometimes a bit more often. With my neighbors, (who don’t even know me-yet assume they do.) I have found that getting through the meetings being a decent human, not crossing my or their boundaries, & saying little, is the easy part. The hard part for me is just the thought of being surrounded by what I grew up with. It’s bad, but I love it inside my home. It’s a true sanctuary for me. I dread going to the meetings. Prior, it can make me physically ill. I do it. I’m polite, say little, and get the heck out of there afterwards. I love this analogy of putting my best interests first. I hope it can help me to calm down pre-meetings.
Sometimes leaving is the right thing. But I also had my acupuncturist point out to me when I was telling her about an issue with a very difficult coworker, "Don't let this person take your livelihood away from you." So there is a balance between self-interest, diplomacy, and timing.
But what about when diplomacy still results in abuse? Do we keep going? What about a time scale that is months or years long to get out of a situation? What if it's diplomacy or homelessness? What if it is daily, inescapable cultural systems that are abusing us?
Diplomacy is one skill we can use when adaptive. If diplomacy is no longer helpful/adaptive in a situation, then it's time for a different strategy. The key here is: for your own best self interest.
Good question about the inescapable cultural systems. They are most definitely abusive by design. I haven't found the answer to that one. The best I've figured is to find like minded folks to be in community with to balance it out and remind myself those interaction are how human society should be. I wish more people talked about this. It feels a bit weird to do the work to deal with the childhood trauma only to go into a world where the same types of trauma are played out and we're supposed to somehow not be affected.
idk if this will work for anyone else, but I remember our church didn't have an official confession booth and they would setup this white opaque paper with a light behind the priest so you could see his shadow, but not him. Whenever I feel reactive or scared to react I imagine the other party with this thin paper and only a shadow of them facing me. Gives me the courage to say what needs to be said, but it separates me enough that I won't get reactive.
I struggle with this. I went to school for-HR, to make the workplace a better experience for everyone. I was very good at being diplomatic, until it got personal.
I have heard that the restaurant industry is rife with sexual harassment and bullying. If I knew that a restaurant enabled this kind of behavior, I would not eat there. The problem is, we don't always know. The industry needs to smarten up and educate management against all forms of harassment.
Exposure to a variety of situations early in life, and later as a mom, I have used diplomacy throughout the years. I moved a lot when I was young and didn't always give proper notice. I bused tables in my early teen years, served tables in my later teen years. Married at twenty became a mom at 22 and then it feels like suddenly its twenty eight years later. Something crept up last year that I didn't notice for a while and when I noticed something was unusual, my brain went into defense mode, it was strangest thing.I cant seem to find the right words to explain it. But I've become aware that I cant just take a defensive, verbal swing if I don't know whats going on, or where my response landing. I didn't realize I had automatic defense mode at such a high volume. But becoming aware of that blind spot is a learning experience for sure, I didn't have a the word "disregulation" to explain a certain way of feeling I've encountered a few times in my life.Definitely flawed.
I did this, and I was back waiting tables as I finished school in my 30s. I had a ritual that I put my hand on the door and asked to be of service to the guests and to focus on them. It really, really worked. Boss was so weird and actually told many of us who put in our notice at the same time, that we couldn't, lol. My boundaries were strong by then and I ignored that thanked the restaurant for giving me a good job and great meals and good colleagues and got the hell out of there. never stepped foot in it again, but glad I worked there, the actual owners were wonderful it was the insecure GM that wasn't.
Women often have to be like that on dates that could turn out to be dangerous and they sense something is dicey. So they either stick the date out or leave without being seen. They might come up with an excuse to leave such a sudden emergency at home after arranging for someone else to call them during the date, and they give the code words as agreed upon. Or suddenly feeling tired. I have ended short relationships over the phone or in public place with others around me.
😂 In Indiana, we call that "Country Dumb" Just keep nodding and going "mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm" until they tire themselves out. Helps if you picture speaking with a better replacement. 👍😉
@@billydiaz7280 Sometimes. It prevents war with healthy people. Really toxic people will sometimes see restraint as a sign of weakness, and it triggers even more aggression. Which is why “peace at any price” isn’t the answer either. The goal in his example was self-care. To pacify his boss until a suitable exit strategy was formed and he didn’t do something that damaged his own career prospects. But there are something’s you shouldn’t tolerate…even for a paycheck. Especially for a paycheck.
First job as newly graduated dental assistant .. terrified child in dental chair. Dentist handled this by covering mouth and pinching nose of child so he couldn't cry. He'll.. he couldn't breath! I walked out of opertory. He would need me to continue. I was fired. This affected my career as he was well established and I was not. To this day, 50+ years later, I do not regret my actions.
@@kellygreenii Thanks Kelly .. I was really looked down upon. Guess I was supposed to hang in there no matter what the person in position of authority did.
I'm glad you talk about the inner adult here, because mine spoke to me once and saved me. I was 40 and found myself thinking about a time when my sister had tried to steal my boyfriend, in a very twisted way, telling me he had always wanted to be with her anyway. Why was I remembering this now? My inner adult said, "Because she's still the same." Ten minutes later the phone rang. It was her. And when she took the opportunity to say something hateful, again, I just answered, "Look, you really don't like me, so let's not do this any more." She said,"Okay," and hung up. That was it. What a relief. My inner adult knew.
Been at the same job for 3 years and counting now.. I asked for a merit increase when I graduated with my MBA 2 years ago. I got a pizza sent to me. This hits so close to home.
LOL exact same story. Like why is it always the abusive restaurant managers?!😭 im so never gonna work in the gastronomy again, for I've not just experienced the toxicity in those workplaces myself, but also noone really says something positive about them eitger
I don't know about this one. I'm sure it's important too, but for me the main struggle with my last job was that I didnt even realise I could get out. Luckily it was already agreed on it being a temporary job, so I just counted down the days in agony. But in hindsight I should have left sooner, because it took me so long to recover from how much it re-broke me./nm
I disagree. After nine years of narcissistic abuse from a manager, I'm now completely broken. I'm scared I will never be able to work again. Telling me that I should have LEFT is what people should have done, not grin and bear it.
Yes. But he didn't say grin and bear it. He said "hold it together until you find a new job" definitely leave! But leave on your terms, when you are ready (have a new job, or whatever it is you need so you can take care of yourself).
@@dweezlebossthis would be ideal. However, the energy expended to "hold it together " sometimes leaves no energy to come up with a strategy to leave. Ive experienced this, and been fired because i couldn't "hold it together ", or find a way out. So, there's that issue for some of us.
No, I had to burn bridges in my situation. I (a New Yorker) was living and teaching in Nebraska at a school who from day 1 didn't want me. Why they hired me? They didn't. The school district hired me. If the principal had the power she wouldn't let me work there. That's why they forced me to work in a classroom with sped students with no IEP and no assistance in controlling the behavior. Btw, these sped students were a mixture of both students with learning difficulties and BEHAVIOR ISSUES! Oh btw again I'm not a SPED teacher. I am and was an ESL teacher with NO EXPERIENCE in teaching SPED. At the end of the first year in that school, they made me sign an improvement plan, saying that I would improve and have a better connection with the students (students who refuse to listen to me and want to do their own thing). I ended up quitting three weeks into the second year in that school. Sometimes your mental health is more important than a job.
Strong disagree. People who have been groomed to accept abuse should not continue to accept abuse for the sake of diplomacy or a paycheck. Would you tell a domestic abuse victim to stay until they have a place to go out to get out immediately? There are bosses who will treat you down until you're a shell, making you publicly apologize to subordinates and undermining every choice you make until you're a nervous mess, then tell you it's your fault. The reality is that you need to RUN. Your advice in this video ain't it.
I totally get your reaction. I think this advice is meant very specifically for those circumstances where you feel like your best move is to leave, but it cannot happen immediately, you need days or a couple of weeks buffer time, for your OWN benefit (not the abuser's, even if they do reap some benefit from the situation). But I absolutely vibe with your deep and immediate concern that this advice be applied to anything other than the most specific of circumstances, and never to an emergent situation where your mental or physical health is in immediate danger.
If there is a right or wrong way to survive it's not true. If x = meaning we need to solve for x. Edit: roll credits for computational sociology ( not sponsored by dogma™)
I am an empath. If I hurt someone's feelings, I am going to feel their hurt feelings, and feel bad about causing it. I have had to develop diplomatic skills. Typically, if I feel the need to say something, I will wait until I can do so for the right reasons- the desire to work things out. Just because you feel triggered doesn't mean that you have to get it off your chest right then. If necessary, you can excuse yourself, and take some deep breaths, or pray, etc., until you get back to even keel. The only time when I don't do all of this is if my sense of injustice gets involved. If someone criticizes my loved ones behind their back, I can't hide the fact that I am not thrilled about it. You don't need to be rude, but my Mother Bear is there in my eyes... Susan
"Empath" is just a self-flattering way of saying you're hyperalert to the dangers from other people's moods. It leads to people becoming doormats. Don't buy into it.
@jenni4claire I kind of expected you to say "neurodivergent," which I would agree with. Our twins may not be the only people in our immediate family who have autism. ...I, actually, was hypervigilant for years and years. But, now I have let that go! We don't, actually, have to be afraid of what may happen tomorrow! If bad things happen in the future, they are an opportunity to learn things about yourself, like how able you are to bounce back! Thanks for your concern! Take care. Susan
@@jenni4claire I totally agree. I used to call myself an empath too until I learned what was ACTUALLY happening. I'm not psychic and I'm not actually feeling other people's feelings(no matter how much it feels that way). I'm actually getting triggered and then projecting and assuming things about their feelings. I was always accurate with my family, but I'm incredibly inaccurate with my husband. Because I'm NOT actually feeling HIS emotions. I'm feeling my emotions about his actions. I think it's really important to drill this home for other survivors that have this maladaptive coping skill. If you see yourself as special and unique with this awesome power, then you're not going to be able to move past it. At least that was true for me. Things are much better now that I can see that clearly.
@@marymac9303 This is an interesting discussion! ...I actually don't see being empathic as a "special ability." It has always been a double edged sword. In fact, I would very much like to become a nurse! But, if you can't "turn off" feeling other people's physical pain, there is NO WAY that you would be able to insert a catheter, for example... Susan
That's the point though, you're NOT feeling other people's pain. It IS possible for you to turn it off because you are not empathic, it just feels that way. You are highly empathetic and hypervigilant with way too many mirror neurons, but you are not actually feeling other people's pain. You are interpreting what you think they are feeling and inflicting it upon yourself. It is possible to stop doing that and heal. It takes time and effort because that coping skill is very old, but it's possible and necessary to stop if you want to heal.
I have to practice this at work sometimes and I liken it to going "grey rock" with the person/people who are causing me to feel triggered. It actually got a lot easier pretty quickly after I practiced it a couple times. Have a game plan before you arrive... It gives you something to focus on when you start to feel reactive and it helped me to not take their bait. 💪❤️🩹🫶
Grey rock is what I often employ. That means not bringing up topics of conversation and answering personal questions with vague one word answers. You don't need to go into details. Lie if you need to. Not being afraid of silence. Bring a book or newspaper to read or an MP3 player and headphones. Know how to get yourself back alone if on dates or at parties which means money for a taxi and numbers of taxi firms, bus and train timetables and a street plan if not sure where you are. If you are driving, walking or cycling alone home you might need to take a detour but always keep to well lit busy streets.
![10 Signs of Narcissistic Parents [2025]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/vjr-jh0Cimg/mqdefault.jpg)
Inner boundaries.
One of the most crippling things that happen to you when growing up in a toxic family is that it sends you out into adult life unprepared to deal with toxic people.
Because your parents trained you to accept the unacceptable from them. So you are conditioned to do so from anyone you perceive as an authority figure.
So getting to the point where you accept that you don’t have to put up with it…and that you are not responsible for or deserving of their bad behavior can be a real challenge until you start to heal from what was done to you growing up….
Beautifully put, thank you ☺️
@@kellygreenii Well said!!
Thank you for the words
I sometimes cannot find.
@@kellygreenii Can confirm. Conflict is still scary sometimes bc as far as my brain is concerned the outcome could get violent and abusive... The anxiety from this rapidly tells my brain to react rather than respond.
Beautifully said it made so much sense 🫶
Very well put ❤
IDK, it feels a lot better to burn bridges, even with toxic bosses
Yes I get that but in the long and short of things they don’t care - they win because they triggered “ you” enough to make you walk out. I’ve done that and I’m not proud of it but I just felt like I had to do it. Truth be told I needed to stay for myself and my worthiness and respect. And leave the respectful way as a witness to the wicked people triggering me. But, you live and learn.
@@leslielutz6028that’s exactly the way I am! I know in the end if they can get me to act out of character for who I truly want to be, they win.. I want to win! Winning for me means that the impression I leave with them was that no matter how they behaved, I behaved better. In the end that’s who I WANT to be. For MYSELF. ❤
I'm diplomatic with a vengeance. Because toxic people think that you being diplomatic means they're winning, so then when you still stick to your values and previously stated goals, they freak out because they thought they were wearing you down.
@@steggopotamus - Reminds me of something Robin Williams said -
"Don't let the bastards get you down."
@@melodyeripley6731
I'm old and sometimes I did, and sometimes I didn't.
Toxic bosses arent worried about burning a bridge with you, and playing by the rules to accomodate their feeling is reinforcing that its ok that bosses do it. That boss will burn bridges for you, out of spite, sometimes even if you play (fawn) by their rules.
Thank you ❤ Great comment.
I think that's what neurotypical people do, whether they have PTSD or not. I never understood why I couldn't do what others did. Sometimes I could, but the trauma from it was debilitating for all the other parts of my life. I always knew I wasn't normal. I was diagnosed with cptsd and ADHD a little over a year ago and level 2 autism just this month. I am 58 years old. It finally explains what I couldn't do. What everybody else could make themselves do. I totally understand what you are saying, and it is the correct response. It just isn't feasible for everyone. In order to apply it, you have to be able to view the world and react to the world in the normal fashion.
I think you're right it isn't feasible for autistic and other ND folk. I can't do it. It feels like lying to me and requires such an extreme amount of masking and energy that it destroys my nervous system.
I don't think there is one right way to view and react to the world (i.e. "normal"). Pretty sure that's an ableist construction to make those of us who can't go along with the toxic games feel that we are lesser people and undeserving of decency. Being unable to remain diplomatic in the face of harmful behavior isn't a sign of anything wrong with you. We should live in a society that doesn't require that.
having justice sensitivity definitely makes this sooo much harder. I thought the same thing. I try to remember that neurodivergent folks are here because we're needed. Stability and not changing things quickly is good for group survival, so most people do that. But life is always changing and some people need to be able to quickly adapt and experiment with future options. That's what neurodivergent folks bring to our human groups.
Nailed it! Same, I'm in my 40s now and always felt like a loser bc I could not figure out why I couldn't deal with work stress and people it would create such a problem it would affect every aspect of my life and I would have to quit and I would think how do people to do!? Why am I so lazy?! Then I was diagnosed with quite a few divergences and that explains it.
really needed to hear this today. i'm planning to go no contact within the next 12 months but have to get a place to live and make sure im going to be ok. in the meantime il still being abused and manipulated. i can barely deal with it. i feel like im going to die from the abuse some days. i needed this. i needed to go no contact since i was prob 4yrs old but im 47 and had to move in with them bc of a health crisis. i have to leave tho. i can try being political until i can get myself to safety. i'm so scared. of being on my own, of the financial safety net they can be, of so many things.
Honestly I don't give notice to jobs unless we're on good terms, or I need it to find a new job. They don't offer notice for firing anyone! If a job is horrible to me I'm not going to give them the kindness of a notice for their sake
Give what you get 😁
I heard a pastor say one time that 'you're not free to go until you're free to stay'. That has saved me many times from being reactive and disregarded, then regretting what I would have done. Being in an industry where everyone knows everyone, it saved my reputation.
That's very well-worded. Thanks for posting.
👍😎👍
I wish I had this advice when I was in my career. I did make reactive decisions, and at the time I couldn't see any way out except leave, sometimes before I had a job. The dysregulation and anxiety was so high and I made some poor decisions that affected me financially. Great advice.
As a pastor’s kid, this was always my *super* power. I can diplomat the hell out of anything. But consequently that’s also part of my trauma😂
"Diplomat the hell out of anything" .. oh you gave me a good laugh with that .. not at your expense but with recognition of myself. Thankyou! My trauma in that is that I know how to 'diplomat' but struggle to find my true feelings. They have been pushed down for so long.
pastor/missionary kid here too! my parents were/are abusive and hid it well. did yours do that or unrelated trauma? if you want to answer. if not that's cool.
@@CocoTheDiamond Mine weren’t abusive exactly, but they were both mentally ill and hid it well. I played therapist to them both and had to be perfect in public and also had zero help when I faced severe bullying at school-neither of them could have handled it and I knew it. So a mess but I wouldn’t call it abusive exactly. They didn’t generally call me names, put me down, hit me etc. etc. Nothing like that. They’d just desperately ask me to perform/be perfect because they didn’t know what would happen to their world if i didn’t show up that way. There was a lot of guilt, but never angry or coercive. Just immature most of the time.
Pastor's kid here too. Narcissistic father, enabling/co dependent (? idk) mother. We had to go to church to hear him preach love & forgiveness etc then he was angry & mean at home. He didn't want to be a father, just wanted adulation and praise from outside the family. It was the pressure of having to look like a good person to the outside world as well. His father was a pastor too so we had two generations of that mentality. I always wished he did something more normal for a job.
@@andianderson3017 thanks for sharing that. i can totally relate to the perfection in public part! hope you're finding healing
You can be "diplomatic", but the toxic parent will still say, "No, that never happened! Why do you keep making up stuff about me? Why do you hate me so much? I do everything for you!"
I have to practice this at least monthly, sometimes a bit more often.
With my neighbors, (who don’t even know me-yet assume they do.)
I have found that getting through the meetings being a decent human, not crossing my or their boundaries, & saying little,
is the easy part.
The hard part for me is just the thought of being surrounded by what I grew up with. It’s bad, but I love it inside my home.
It’s a true sanctuary for me.
I dread going to the meetings.
Prior, it can make me physically ill.
I do it.
I’m polite, say little, and get the heck out of there afterwards.
I love this analogy of putting my best interests first.
I hope it can help me to calm down pre-meetings.
Sometimes the best thing to do is just leave. No justification. No explanation. Just go
Sometimes leaving is the right thing. But I also had my acupuncturist point out to me when I was telling her about an issue with a very difficult coworker, "Don't let this person take your livelihood away from you." So there is a balance between self-interest, diplomacy, and timing.
Exactly. Esp w family. I’m not a bridge burner if I can help it. If I do it I want to make sure I can live with consequences.
At what point is being political fawning? Is it if you never work on the escape plan/getting the other job?
But what about when diplomacy still results in abuse? Do we keep going?
What about a time scale that is months or years long to get out of a situation? What if it's diplomacy or homelessness?
What if it is daily, inescapable cultural systems that are abusing us?
Get away from those people/places
Life is all about choices, and their consequences.
Diplomacy is one skill we can use when adaptive. If diplomacy is no longer helpful/adaptive in a situation, then it's time for a different strategy. The key here is: for your own best self interest.
Have you tried socialism?
Good question about the inescapable cultural systems. They are most definitely abusive by design. I haven't found the answer to that one. The best I've figured is to find like minded folks to be in community with to balance it out and remind myself those interaction are how human society should be. I wish more people talked about this. It feels a bit weird to do the work to deal with the childhood trauma only to go into a world where the same types of trauma are played out and we're supposed to somehow not be affected.
idk if this will work for anyone else, but I remember our church didn't have an official confession booth and they would setup this white opaque paper with a light behind the priest so you could see his shadow, but not him. Whenever I feel reactive or scared to react I imagine the other party with this thin paper and only a shadow of them facing me. Gives me the courage to say what needs to be said, but it separates me enough that I won't get reactive.
I struggle with this. I went to school for-HR, to make the workplace a better experience for everyone. I was very good at being diplomatic, until it got personal.
Yup, 😊💯nothing wrong with having a self. So you play it cool and stick to the plan. 😊🙏💯
I totally needed to hear this today
I have heard that the restaurant industry is rife with sexual harassment and bullying. If I knew that a restaurant enabled this kind of behavior, I would not eat there. The problem is, we don't always know. The industry needs to smarten up and educate management against all forms of harassment.
Exposure to a variety of situations early in life, and later as a mom, I have used diplomacy throughout the years. I moved a lot when I was young and didn't always give proper notice. I bused tables in my early teen years, served tables in my later teen years. Married at twenty became a mom at 22 and then it feels like suddenly its twenty eight years later. Something crept up last year that I didn't notice for a while and when I noticed something was unusual, my brain went into defense mode, it was strangest thing.I cant seem to find the right words to explain it. But I've become aware that I cant just take a defensive, verbal swing if I don't know whats going on, or where my response landing. I didn't realize I had automatic defense mode at such a high volume. But becoming aware of that blind spot is a learning experience for sure, I didn't have a the word "disregulation" to explain a certain way of feeling I've encountered a few times in my life.Definitely flawed.
I did this, and I was back waiting tables as I finished school in my 30s. I had a ritual that I put my hand on the door and asked to be of service to the guests and to focus on them. It really, really worked. Boss was so weird and actually told many of us who put in our notice at the same time, that we couldn't, lol. My boundaries were strong by then and I ignored that thanked the restaurant for giving me a good job and great meals and good colleagues and got the hell out of there. never stepped foot in it again, but glad I worked there, the actual owners were wonderful it was the insecure GM that wasn't.
Very well said and good tip.
Women often have to be like that on dates that could turn out to be dangerous and they sense something is dicey. So they either stick the date out or leave without being seen. They might come up with an excuse to leave such a sudden emergency at home after arranging for someone else to call them during the date, and they give the code words as agreed upon. Or suddenly feeling tired. I have ended short relationships over the phone or in public place with others around me.
Thank you
I use your advise in my office
Transferable knowledge. Thanks for sharing.
That is LIFE! If you give them a FOOL they will say “WHAT A FOOL”! Short and sweet and SILENT!
😂 In Indiana, we call that "Country Dumb"
Just keep nodding and going "mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm" until they tire themselves out. Helps if you picture speaking with a better replacement.
👍😉
Diplomacy prevents war
@@billydiaz7280 Sometimes. It prevents war with healthy people. Really toxic people will sometimes see restraint as a sign of weakness, and it triggers even more aggression.
Which is why “peace at any price” isn’t the answer either. The goal in his example was self-care. To pacify his boss until a suitable exit strategy was formed and he didn’t do something that damaged his own career prospects.
But there are something’s you shouldn’t tolerate…even for a paycheck. Especially for a paycheck.
First job as newly graduated dental assistant .. terrified child in dental chair. Dentist handled this by covering mouth and pinching nose of child so he couldn't cry. He'll.. he couldn't breath! I walked out of opertory. He would need me to continue. I was fired. This affected my career as he was well established and I was not. To this day, 50+ years later, I do not regret my actions.
@ Nor should you. The things we used to tolerate being done to children….
@@kellygreenii Thanks Kelly .. I was really looked down upon. Guess I was supposed to hang in there no matter what the person in position of authority did.
I'm glad you talk about the inner adult here, because mine spoke to me once and saved me. I was 40 and found myself thinking about a time when my sister had tried to steal my boyfriend, in a very twisted way, telling me he had always wanted to be with her anyway. Why was I remembering this now? My inner adult said, "Because she's still the same." Ten minutes later the phone rang. It was her. And when she took the opportunity to say something hateful, again, I just answered, "Look, you really don't like me, so let's not do this any more." She said,"Okay," and hung up. That was it. What a relief. My inner adult knew.
Thank you for the work example I never know how to act with a boss
I think i need this right now
Been at the same job for 3 years and counting now.. I asked for a merit increase when I graduated with my MBA 2 years ago. I got a pizza sent to me. This hits so close to home.
Wish I knew this many years ago
LOL exact same story. Like why is it always the abusive restaurant managers?!😭 im so never gonna work in the gastronomy again, for I've not just experienced the toxicity in those workplaces myself, but also noone really says something positive about them eitger
Yes
I like putting this to words. I'll be using that Diplomat idea, thank you so much
I can't be a diplomat, I hear people being loud with arguments and fights and I just run away.
I don't know about this one. I'm sure it's important too, but for me the main struggle with my last job was that I didnt even realise I could get out. Luckily it was already agreed on it being a temporary job, so I just counted down the days in agony. But in hindsight I should have left sooner, because it took me so long to recover from how much it re-broke me./nm
It's the whole get used to it cause it's what you deserve etiquette you learn growing up. Its not worth your inner peace.
Amen
❤
I disagree. After nine years of narcissistic abuse from a manager, I'm now completely broken. I'm scared I will never be able to work again. Telling me that I should have LEFT is what people should have done, not grin and bear it.
Yes. But he didn't say grin and bear it. He said "hold it together until you find a new job" definitely leave! But leave on your terms, when you are ready (have a new job, or whatever it is you need so you can take care of yourself).
@@dweezlebossthis would be ideal. However, the energy expended to "hold it together " sometimes leaves no energy to come up with a strategy to leave. Ive experienced this, and been fired because i couldn't "hold it together ", or find a way out. So, there's that issue for some of us.
No, I had to burn bridges in my situation. I (a New Yorker) was living and teaching in Nebraska at a school who from day 1 didn't want me. Why they hired me? They didn't. The school district hired me. If the principal had the power she wouldn't let me work there. That's why they forced me to work in a classroom with sped students with no IEP and no assistance in controlling the behavior. Btw, these sped students were a mixture of both students with learning difficulties and BEHAVIOR ISSUES! Oh btw again I'm not a SPED teacher. I am and was an ESL teacher with NO EXPERIENCE in teaching SPED. At the end of the first year in that school, they made me sign an improvement plan, saying that I would improve and have a better connection with the students (students who refuse to listen to me and want to do their own thing). I ended up quitting three weeks into the second year in that school. Sometimes your mental health is more important than a job.
Fake it till you make it advice
Strong disagree. People who have been groomed to accept abuse should not continue to accept abuse for the sake of diplomacy or a paycheck. Would you tell a domestic abuse victim to stay until they have a place to go out to get out immediately? There are bosses who will treat you down until you're a shell, making you publicly apologize to subordinates and undermining every choice you make until you're a nervous mess, then tell you it's your fault. The reality is that you need to RUN. Your advice in this video ain't it.
I totally get your reaction. I think this advice is meant very specifically for those circumstances where you feel like your best move is to leave, but it cannot happen immediately, you need days or a couple of weeks buffer time, for your OWN benefit (not the abuser's, even if they do reap some benefit from the situation).
But I absolutely vibe with your deep and immediate concern that this advice be applied to anything other than the most specific of circumstances, and never to an emergent situation where your mental or physical health is in immediate danger.
If there is a right or wrong way to survive it's not true. If x = meaning we need to solve for x.
Edit: roll credits for computational sociology ( not sponsored by dogma™)
I am an empath. If I hurt someone's feelings, I am going to feel their hurt feelings, and feel bad about causing it. I have had to develop diplomatic skills. Typically, if I feel the need to say something, I will wait until I can do so for the right reasons- the desire to work things out. Just because you feel triggered doesn't mean that you have to get it off your chest right then. If necessary, you can excuse yourself, and take some deep breaths, or pray, etc., until you get back to even keel. The only time when I don't do all of this is if my sense of injustice gets involved. If someone criticizes my loved ones behind their back, I can't hide the fact that I am not thrilled about it. You don't need to be rude, but my Mother Bear is there in my eyes... Susan
"Empath" is just a self-flattering way of saying you're hyperalert to the dangers from other people's moods. It leads to people becoming doormats. Don't buy into it.
@jenni4claire I kind of expected you to say "neurodivergent," which I would agree with. Our twins may not be the only people in our immediate family who have autism. ...I, actually, was hypervigilant for years and years. But, now I have let that go! We don't, actually, have to be afraid of what may happen tomorrow! If bad things happen in the future, they are an opportunity to learn things about yourself, like how able you are to bounce back! Thanks for your concern! Take care. Susan
@@jenni4claire I totally agree. I used to call myself an empath too until I learned what was ACTUALLY happening. I'm not psychic and I'm not actually feeling other people's feelings(no matter how much it feels that way). I'm actually getting triggered and then projecting and assuming things about their feelings. I was always accurate with my family, but I'm incredibly inaccurate with my husband. Because I'm NOT actually feeling HIS emotions. I'm feeling my emotions about his actions. I think it's really important to drill this home for other survivors that have this maladaptive coping skill. If you see yourself as special and unique with this awesome power, then you're not going to be able to move past it. At least that was true for me. Things are much better now that I can see that clearly.
@@marymac9303 This is an interesting discussion! ...I actually don't see being empathic as a "special ability." It has always been a double edged sword. In fact, I would very much like to become a nurse! But, if you can't "turn off" feeling other people's physical pain, there is NO WAY that you would be able to insert a catheter, for example... Susan
That's the point though, you're NOT feeling other people's pain. It IS possible for you to turn it off because you are not empathic, it just feels that way. You are highly empathetic and hypervigilant with way too many mirror neurons, but you are not actually feeling other people's pain. You are interpreting what you think they are feeling and inflicting it upon yourself. It is possible to stop doing that and heal. It takes time and effort because that coping skill is very old, but it's possible and necessary to stop if you want to heal.
I have to practice this at work sometimes and I liken it to going "grey rock" with the person/people who are causing me to feel triggered. It actually got a lot easier pretty quickly after I practiced it a couple times.
Have a game plan before you arrive... It gives you something to focus on when you start to feel reactive and it helped me to not take their bait. 💪❤️🩹🫶
Grey rock is what I often employ. That means not bringing up topics of conversation and answering personal questions with vague one word answers. You don't need to go into details. Lie if you need to. Not being afraid of silence. Bring a book or newspaper to read or an MP3 player and headphones.
Know how to get yourself back alone if on dates or at parties which means money for a taxi and numbers of taxi firms, bus and train timetables and a street plan if not sure where you are. If you are driving, walking or cycling alone home you might need to take a detour but always keep to well lit busy streets.