I went back, after reading your book and watching hours of TH-cam videos. I had to experience it with the knowledge I now possess. I still left the relationship, but this time without crying, I was very composed and still am. A deliberate decision this time. Guess I needed that confirmation. My own closure.
I have a death by a thousand cuts covert narc in my life. Set a boundary: what boundary? Passive aggressive, pouty, silent treatment....on & on.....I'm learning gray rock, but it translates as oblivious. Act oblivious when they throw up a barrier or try to detail your efforts and just do what you intended anyway. They get this puzzled look like "I'm just not getting through......"
My mother went back to my abusive, narcissistic father for 15 years. And was encouraged to do so culturally and by her deeply narcissistic family of origin. Please do leave the abusers regardless of what your family or culture says is "right"
At 71 I can see all the needless pain I suffered all my life trying to make up for my parents (and siblings) painful pasts. As Dr. Ramani has said before "There is no virtue in being someone else's emotional punching bag." Take it from someone that spent 67 years doing it, truer words were never said. All of my efforts went into a black hole so none of us were happy.
Amen! Ignore the persons who show up random and just happen upon the subject of getting you back into that relationship. I am going through this now. Your body is your own enemy as well
@masquarra I did try to reconcile. It did not work. The devalue stage can sooner And harder. I got out. It was so difficult. He has tried to hoover me despite the no contact order in the divorce decree. I have to remind myself when I allowed him back, I told him It Was the Last Time. I owe myself that respect to follow my own words & promises, plus a lot of therapy And Dr Ramani videos to succeed. I am now aware, he could always try to come back but what I had with him was not love, it was a trauma bond. I deserve so much better.
I remember when I used to read other ppl's comments about leaving and just hoping and wishing. Because I truly didnt see a way out for me. What I have learned is that if you truly start living authentically, the relationship cannot last. That is what eventually saved me. When he realised I was all caught up, he spiralled and finally left😂. Going back for what?? Oww please! I'm living in gratitude everyday for how God delivered me.
The only way to go back to a narcissist without losing yourself is to never go back at all. Peace, self-respect, and freedom are worth more than any toxic cycle.
Sadly, I went back after 12 years of separation. In the beginning I did great. We had to coparent our son. Which made black rocking him impossible. Oh how I wish I had this knowledge I’ve gained through you, Dr. Ramani, before I left the marriage. I would have been prepared for the smear campaign he did on me to our son. I would have understood what was happening better. I wouldn’t have allowed him to break me down and wear me out over those years of separation. I wouldn’t have gone back. I allowed myself to fall for the love bombing and have hope in him changing his narcissistic ways. I’ve been back now for over 12 years. I’m a shell of myself. I’m undergoing ketamine therapy for severe/resistant to conventional meds, depression. I’m 63 and fear not being able to pay living expenses on my own, so here I am. Radical acceptance is my only option. I’m working on me now. It’s been a rough road but I’m going to make it better for myself. If you’re still able to get away, RUN! Don’t look back!
As a self-aware diagnosed narcissist I agree for the most part, but I think at certain times in their lives they can change , I know I have, but I think it's actually pretty rare they change.
I would never return. I have been on this journey for over ten years and being away from them is the best thing I ever did. They are not emotionally safe for me. However, I have learned to see the red flags earlier and will never get myself into a similar situation again. Knowledge is power.
I have a difficult time with so many of these comments of Don’t GO BACK…as Dr Ramani explains there are different degrees of narcissism and all of us have different experiences and different degrees of trauma and are at different stages of healing. Was my original relationship a trauma bond? Absolutely, it started in childhood. But now that I have done a great deal of healing, I no longer NEED my sister nor her approval and love. However, I can still love her and appreciate the positive aspects of our relationship. I miss our shared history AND a great deal of laughter we also shared. She may not accept me with my new wholeness and ability to set a firm boundary. I know she will not change. But I am ready to meet her and accept her on MY TERMS. And, I hope she chooses to meet me and possibly accept a different relationship that will include the laughter and history we might still be able to share.
To go back to a narcissist and not lose yourself, you need to have strong boundaries and a support network. Use the grey rock. Observe don’t absorb. Respond don’t react. Don’t take the bait. If they cross the line, leave immediately.
Seems like they inherently know you are back because of guilt or shame. Since they have no empathy, they will still do or say the most hurtful things and think nothing of you. Period.
I really really appreciate your understanding of different people and different circumstances. Eventhough i did get out- i really understand how difficult things can be and how people choose to stay. I do love the fact that you show so much compassion for everyone and understanding!!
It does cross my mind sometimes, to try and go back to the relationship. But I’ve never done it once a certain point is crossed. And the longer I’m out of it, the more certain I am that ending things was the right thing to do. But for me, the narcissists have been things like friends and coworkers. I have a good family and have never had to cut them out. So my experience doesn’t apply to others. Thanks for this, Dr. Ramani, and best of wishes to all of you.
I was thinking more unstable. They are predictable but I never think they are stable. And then again, narcissists are stable in the fact they are unstable and won’t change.
I can’t imagine why someone would get back with a girlfriend/boyfriend even if they loved them! I’m dealing with my whole family who seem to be connected at the hip to my narc mom! I love them all.
Honestly, the only reason I'd suggest or support (as in 'yeah, it's a right choice') is if they had children. You're responsible for your child - you shouldn't leave your 5yo to be a handmaid/mom to siblings, or your 9yo to be isolated and damaged: you have to intercept the blows until they're AT LEAST old enough to be considered in court or with CPS or taken seriously by a teacher.
I went back because he promised to work on it and has actually shown me in the past 5 years that he's still working on it. I'm also letting him know that I'm onto him when he messes up. He sometimes throws a fit when I do this but he's getting better. We're happier than we have been in years. Working on 30 years of marriage.
This is my favourite video so far. It boiled down to this: can I sell my soul, put my kids in harm's way, and give up my deep core beliefs? Can't go back. Just can't do it. I know as an old person, I would regret it, that I wasted my energy on the wrong people and things.
Leaving a narcissistic relationship is the hardest think you'll ever do, but it's the one thing you'll never regret doing. In doubt, do GO BACK! Go back as many times as needed to understand that there's NOTHING there. No love. No respect. No compassion. No reciprocity. No healthy conflict. And if you do want to stay despite knowing that, be prepared to protect yourself and have a peaceful, supportive, fulfilling life outside of the relationship, because if not, it might kill you. Peace, strength and growth to all. ❤
You never go back. But they say it takes an average of 7 times before a person leaves an abusive relationship permanently. So don't beat yourself up if you do. This is a cycle I broke years ago. If someone shows me who they are, I believe them the first time now. I have to be ready to do it. Once I'm ready, I never look back. I deal with the hurt and disappointment in the relationship, let myself grieve, then I walk away. No more second chances, I'm done. People have to be ready before they leave for good. Making a list of the pro's and con's is a good way to see it clearly. It's a personal decision.
Doctor ramy your an awesome person this video pulls all your training and knowledge in one take. Thank you for not giving up on us the victims. Thank you so much for finaly opening my mind. Thanks God be continuously with you. ❤
I understand less that a therapist who has said time and time again that every time you get back with a narcissist it's worse, that they never change, and that they make you physically and mentally ill now says that "it's okay to get back in" and that "relationships are hard" and that "you can make it work" when in other videos she has said that it never works! 🤦🏾♀️ this video has left me impressed and confused. The video of radical acceptance if you stay, that's very good, but go further and say that it is okay to return 🤦🏾♀️🙄
Not sure how I feel about the messages in this video. I see where it's coming from, and I don't mean to disrespect people making this decision. But in many cases my heart goes out to them because at best, it's a kind of hollow relationship and that makes you miss out on much fulfilment (+ peace) in life. But it's not always as black & white of course. When you open the door to going back, do think about which doors you are closing, for example the chance of a more healthy and mutual supportive relationship with someone else.... If you do go back, dr Ramani said 'you need your own things for a while'. I would say indefinitely...(If financially possible). But good luck because probably they are going to try to limit you being your own person, being authentic etc. That's one of the things that drives them. And really think about, what does it add if you go back, it's a kind of hollow relationship in the best case scenario, no true connection.
"The more you have hope, the more likely you are dealing with a trauma-bonded circumstance." This struck me as a very important statement, as it is how I had lived for decades in a relationship with my narcissistic father. I had finally gone mostly no-contact...then my mom died. The narcissism came back into my life full-force. Every text from him causes angst, and every response from me gives him narcissistic supply. What I really want is to move thousands of miles away...
I feel like, in a way, I went back without actually physically leaving in the first place. I learned about narcissism, I "got it", and I stayed in the relationship none the less. I had my reasons for staying. Knowing about narcissism has made it a little better. In any case, once you know, you know. It's not the partnership I dreamed of, it can never be healthy, but I have set boundaries now. I am close to loving family and friends, I'm happy doing things with them or alone. I live a separate life in a way. If I'd understood narcissism at a younger age, maybe I'd have made different decisions, but even though I stayed, I'm so glad I know. Thank you Dr. Ramini. ❤
I don’t understand why I went back to a malignant narcissist knowing everything I knew. It was like jumping in front of a train and hoping not to get hit.
It is funny that you are talking about this today on the heels of trying it with my narcissist again. The difference is I was clear about what I wouldn’t accept and that I was not afraid to split up. Thank you doctor.
With every narcissistic relationship there are many different circumstances. Whatever you do take it a day at a time. They can be dangerous like a venomous snake. Don’t get bit.
Love to me is close enough to not get burned but maybe a little enjoyment or to help. But far enough away to protect and be kind to me. I can’t stand their suffering at times. Even though I can’t really fix anything. It’s sad
Love in my book, is defined as complete loyalty to & absolute respect for the other person & in return reciprocated to you. That gives birth to TRUST, and without trust there's nothing but doubt. You can live with constant doubt, sure, question is whether you think that's good enough for you? Or do you deserve more.
I went back in the 8th year and it just got worse. Now I’m getting my ducks in a row. Biggest mistake of my life. 12 years of hell. The wool is pulled from my eyes and Jesus is helping through the tough times until I do leave.
I Thought there was Love in 14 years of Us Being together. She Never Loved Me. She always had me thinking it was always my fault. Nothing I Did was Ever Good Enough. Its been 3 years and I still haven't dated anybody. I'm afraid that I don't know what a Real or Positive or Normal relationship (what ever normal is) is. I'm Mad and Hurt. I wasted 14 yrs of my life. I wasted my 30's on Her. That sucks.
I appreciate hearing you speak from this perspective. People in general are quick to judge others when no one fully knows the intricacies of your relationship than you. Love IS complicated with some people. Ultimately we each have to choose what we want and we have the right to change our mind either way.
Why in the world would anyone go back?!?!?! ACK!!! For the love for YOURSELF, yes the love for YOURSELF, don’t do it!!! Keep moving forward in a totally different direction. ❤ Totally do not agree with you Dr. Ramani…
@@m.maclellan7147I don't agree at all, that comfort came in the radical acceptance videos, but now "It's okay to go back" and "you can make it work"!!! Are you kidding me?! I mean, this doesn't make sense! in this video she is basically contradicting everything she has said ad nauseum in all of her other videos. In fact, in this video she is not talking about being "stuck" at all.
This is so good. I am never going back to the Narc ex. I divorced him 7 years ago due to mental, emotional, financial and physical abuse. But I still have to engage and fight the battle for child maintenance at least for another 7 years. I have prepared myself for the pain and suffering this is going to involve. But at the moment I have no choice as the place where myself and children live (for them over every weekend with me), is at risk. We might lose our apartment due to the ex-husband, for the upteenth time having excuses for not paying child support.
The last time I reconnected with a narcissist who claimed to be in therapy (not to fix their behavior though), I instantly regretted it. Now there is nothing anything and anyone can do to convince me to go back, no matter how much they "changed".
There's no chance of trying, enduring & stoic traits are enough to keep me Alive anymore. After she tried to choke me, it's no free pass but yet she's still shocked that she is being charged for non-fatal strangulation. To think that I didn't see what she was doing destroying everyone around me. 😢 I don't want to die.
He completely emptied me of love and compassion for him. Nothing he could do or say would fill me up with love again. My heart is full of love now but that's only because it is not leaking out to keep me in a relationship with him. It's there to be used for me, my daughters and grandkids. And my dog who is much easier to live with than he ever was. 😂😂
Thank you for giving me a choice and not feeling guilty about it! I am "back in" with my eyes wide open. Thank you for all your books, especially "Should I stay or should I go?" It was a relief to be able to have a choice to stay or go in a narcissistic relationship, than everyone saying, "leave him." We were together for 25 years before our relationship fell apart. We both wanted to get back together and we are doing very well. We both have our eyes wide open with a lot more understanding now. Thank you also for all your videos. They were a tremendous help for me. By the way, I a 70 years young and very happy with my decision to stay.
I still feel like I love my ex who is a narcissist. I appreciate that he taught me how to meditate and he gave me some great book referrals. He is just so controlling . With my mom who is a narcissist my son and I might have to live with her while we are waiting for housing otherwise we could be homeless. My ideal is to not engage with the narc.. I experienced DV at home with my mother and with my ex. It's like exchanging an apple for an orange.
My situation is unique in that I never loved my narcissistic husband, not even a little bit. Didn’t even LIKE him! I dated him because I was single at 33 and tired of the questions about it, married him because he needed health insurance. I stayed 7 years because I felt guilty. It neatly killed me. Please don’t stay/return. I barely got out with my life and job intact and I am still in debt 8 years later.
@DoctorRamani, I’d like to request a couple of videos if you can do that. I have to see the narcissist man who abused me at professional settings sometimes, and I’m worried about the potential for gossiping, hostility, collective bullying and gaslighting, and my own emotions being unstable having to be around him. Another video I’d like to hear about is when you’re still processing the trauma but the wound keeps getting resurfaced because even if you’re staying NC, you hear about their life from other people or news, how they’re doing (and usually how well they’re doing and how successful they are), and how hard it is to get back on track and stay focused on my work. I’d be so grateful if you could cover these topics. Thanks. I’ll take from this video what I can re: the professional situation, but it is quite different when they have power and influence and can wield it over you in a professional setting. I wish I could just run for the hills from them permanently but we are in the same field, so we will occasionally be in the same groups and at the same events together, and he had absolutely made it clear he intends to demonize me. I am worried about him trying to ruin my reputation.
I’d probably go back if I felt he sincerely apologized for abuse and was in therapy. But, I involved police after he assaulted me. He lied denying and falsely accused me of assaulting me. He had 3 criminal charges against me. Total projection/deflection. The ultimate in gaslighting. There’s no going back from that. He’d have to admit his horrible lie to family and friends. He won’t do it.
You don't like the word codependency, but if you do use the word "victim" to refer to people who have or have had relationships with narcissists, that doesn't make much sense. If there is no codependency or traumatic bond, there is no victim either.
How do you deal with that as the friend that never stops hearing about it, gives advice and a listening ear for months only to be told yeah im going back again because he said sorry🤦♀️
Black Jesus please 🙏 help me be invisible to these psychopaths the day I leave the one I’m struggling to divorce 🙏wipe me from his memory completely! AMEN 🙏 Oh and strike me with madness if I ever consider him as a friend 🙏
@melisentiapheiffer3034 @melisentiapheiffer3034 oh, am glad you have the strength to break. Me am struggling, because after I learned demonology I realized am fighting against serious ancient water spirits
It’s hard to find support at all. People don’t really get this and I like my solitude. But right now I’m low contact and not going back in closer. I can flex in and out at times. I try to keep a safe distance but know at times I might get burned and need to back away for a bit. That’s my stable level of close/distance.
I hope you have some strong boundaries in going back. I did this with a family member and the behaviour became worse. I kept a list of all the nasty, vindictive, manipulative things that had been done to me and referred to this whenever I considered in reversing my boundary of no contact. There has to be significant change on their part. Good luck.
On the contrary, if you are watching this video you are a codependent who does not accept it, and who is looking for "excuses" to return. An emotionally healthy person would not return to such an unbalanced relationship, because they are people who do not settle for less than what they know they deserve. This video is really dangerous
Καλησπερα σας γιατρε, Σας παρακολουθω απο την ομορφη Ελλαδα. Ειστε υπεροχη!!!😊 Θα μπορουσατε να απαντησετε σε μια ερωτηση μου; Ενας μεγαλεωδης Ναρκισσος ,που εχει προβει σε ολα τα ειδη βιας, θα μπορουσε, με την καταλληλη ψυχοθεραπεια, να καλλιεργησει την ενσυναισθηση που του λειπει; Με την προυποθεση ,βεβαια, να ειναι διατεθειμενος να ψαχτει! Αναλαμβανετε Ναρκισσους σε on line συνεδριες; Σας ευχαριστω Να στε καλα❤
This in incredibly helpful. It's certainly something I have wondered about and I even spoke directly to my Ex about this before leaving. He was telling me that if he could just get to the other side of the latest stressful events, then things would be better again, and I asked, "And what about the next time, and the time after that? This isn't the last stressful event that will occur in your life. What's going to be different?" There was no answer of course. And yet still I wondered even after leaving, if he might actually get better and perhaps might not slip into quite such a bad state again and might miraculously somehow stop cycling through his good/bad pattern. But based on 2 decades of evidence, there's no reason at all to expect that he is changing his outlook and approach to life and his behaviours, it is just a hopeful thought and also perhaps a way of trying to cope with the fact that I was in relationship with someone like this, by improving my esteem of him.
U never go home again ...its in a book i read onxe......dont think its younits them..thats on them .. ive never dekt such oeace in the oast ywebty years. Ni can also see others for who they are now w too
You basically talk to women, right down to the ads. Though, in the beginning, you weren't this way. This makes me feel like my and my daughter's continued abuse from my now EX-wife is invalid.
I have no doubt that Dr. Ramani is well aware of this. Covert, overt, and malignant narcissism manifest with striking frequency in individuals of all genders.
@@kyliefinlayson3865 I've stuck to subbing to her over the years. Though, I don't notice this on the handful of other subs I retained after a pre-COVID deep dive into Cluster B. That said, what do you think I am projecting? P.S. - She also has mentioned in more recent uploads she reads none of her comments. If that's entirely true, it seems she's burying her head in the sand instead of accepting any constructive criticism, which slowly separates her from reality and makes her harder to relate to. I think she has great knowledge to share. But, she's less on point than she was.
@@go4damoyou DO know that it is TH-cam that selects what ads you get ?! 🙄 Dr. R is a busy woman, I'm sure she doesn't have the time to read the comments. She offers education. If you want personal therapy, go to a therapist.
I went back, after reading your book and watching hours of TH-cam videos. I had to experience it with the knowledge I now possess. I still left the relationship, but this time without crying, I was very composed and still am. A deliberate decision this time. Guess I needed that confirmation. My own closure.
So glad you have this clarity now.
Sometimes takes a few tries to get the deception
Yes i did few times@@caroleminke6116
People who have constantly been exposed to narcissistic abuse, always second guess themselves. I feel your pain❤
I have a death by a thousand cuts covert narc in my life. Set a boundary: what boundary? Passive aggressive, pouty, silent treatment....on & on.....I'm learning gray rock, but it translates as oblivious. Act oblivious when they throw up a barrier or try to detail your efforts and just do what you intended anyway. They get this puzzled look like "I'm just not getting through......"
My mother went back to my abusive, narcissistic father for 15 years. And was encouraged to do so culturally and by her deeply narcissistic family of origin. Please do leave the abusers regardless of what your family or culture says is "right"
At 71 I can see all the needless pain I suffered all my life trying to make up for my parents (and siblings) painful pasts. As Dr. Ramani has said before "There is no virtue in being someone else's emotional punching bag." Take it from someone that spent 67 years doing it, truer words were never said. All of my efforts went into a black hole so none of us were happy.
Oceans of blessings
Free @ 66 😉 no parents, no partner, no problem 👍
Thank you same here…all efforts into black hole so none of us happy…truer words were never said
Excellent said: all our efforts are going into a black hole.
They are never happy and make all around them unhappy.
Don't do it! For the love of God, don't go back! Save yourself!
Sooooo agreeeeee. Never Never. It will not be pretty
Amen! Ignore the persons who show up random and just happen upon the subject of getting you back into that relationship. I am going through this now. Your body is your own enemy as well
@masquarra I did try to reconcile. It did not work. The devalue stage can sooner And harder.
I got out. It was so difficult. He has tried to hoover me despite the no contact order in the divorce decree. I have to remind myself when I allowed him back, I told him It Was the Last Time. I owe myself that respect to follow my own words & promises, plus a lot of therapy And Dr Ramani videos to succeed. I am now aware, he could always try to come back but what I had with him was not love, it was a trauma bond. I deserve so much better.
AMEN! 10 years free from 10 years of NPD abuse and I only wish I had gotten out sooner.
"There is nothing you won't do for your children."
Don’t come back. Raise the bar, love yourself, there are better people out there that you deserve.
I remember when I used to read other ppl's comments about leaving and just hoping and wishing. Because I truly didnt see a way out for me. What I have learned is that if you truly start living authentically, the relationship cannot last. That is what eventually saved me. When he realised I was all caught up, he spiralled and finally left😂. Going back for what?? Oww please! I'm living in gratitude everyday for how God delivered me.
The only way to go back to a narcissist without losing yourself is to never go back at all. Peace, self-respect, and freedom are worth more than any toxic cycle.
Sadly, I went back after 12 years of separation. In the beginning I did great. We had to coparent our son. Which made black rocking him impossible.
Oh how I wish I had this knowledge I’ve gained through you, Dr. Ramani, before I left the marriage. I would have been prepared for the smear campaign he did on me to our son. I would have understood what was happening better.
I wouldn’t have allowed him to break me down and wear me out over those years of separation. I wouldn’t have gone back. I allowed myself to fall for the love bombing and have hope in him changing his narcissistic ways.
I’ve been back now for over 12 years. I’m a shell of myself. I’m undergoing ketamine therapy for severe/resistant to conventional meds, depression. I’m 63 and fear not being able to pay living expenses on my own, so here I am.
Radical acceptance is my only option. I’m working on me now. It’s been a rough road but I’m going to make it better for myself.
If you’re still able to get away, RUN! Don’t look back!
I’m so sorry for everything you went through… Please don’t stop fighting. You are not alone. Sending you love from Greece 🇬🇷
They won’t change.
T ( heard this from horses mouth)
Nope. They can’t and they won’t.
As a self-aware diagnosed narcissist I agree for the most part, but I think at certain times in their lives they can change , I know I have, but I think it's actually pretty rare they change.
I would never return. I have been on this journey for over ten years and being away from them is the best thing I ever did. They are not emotionally safe for me. However, I have learned to see the red flags earlier and will never get myself into a similar situation again. Knowledge is power.
I have a difficult time with so many of these comments of Don’t GO BACK…as Dr Ramani explains there are different degrees of narcissism and all of us have different experiences and different degrees of trauma and are at different stages of healing. Was my original relationship a trauma bond? Absolutely, it started in childhood. But now that I have done a great deal of healing, I no longer NEED my sister nor her approval and love. However, I can still love her and appreciate the positive aspects of our relationship. I miss our shared history AND a great deal of laughter we also shared. She may not accept me with my new wholeness and ability to set a firm boundary. I know she will not change. But I am ready to meet her and accept her on MY TERMS. And, I hope she chooses to meet me and possibly accept a different relationship that will include the laughter and history we might still be able to share.
I agree. Seems to be a lot of stupid if you do…which is not what she is saying.
When people say don't come back, they mean with a narcissistic partner or lover, not family members 😉
To go back to a narcissist and not lose yourself, you need to have strong boundaries and a support network. Use the grey rock. Observe don’t absorb. Respond don’t react. Don’t take the bait. If they cross the line, leave immediately.
True. Did that but it still shattered me in the end. Atleast I could "see it for what it really is"
Seems like they inherently know you are back because of guilt or shame. Since they have no empathy, they will still do or say the most hurtful things and think nothing of you. Period.
It’s simply codependency
@@NarcSurvivor So, basically, shove down your feelings.
@@caroleminke6116That's too simplistic. Medical conditions, poverty, etc can play a large role in one's decision to stay.
I really really appreciate your understanding of different people and different circumstances. Eventhough i did get out- i really understand how difficult things can be and how people choose to stay. I do love the fact that you show so much compassion for everyone and understanding!!
I can’t understand why anyone would choose to stay.
Medical conditions, old age & poverty are reasons @@kaymuldoon3575
It does cross my mind sometimes, to try and go back to the relationship. But I’ve never done it once a certain point is crossed. And the longer I’m out of it, the more certain I am that ending things was the right thing to do. But for me, the narcissists have been things like friends and coworkers. I have a good family and have never had to cut them out. So my experience doesn’t apply to others.
Thanks for this, Dr. Ramani, and best of wishes to all of you.
"The narcissistic personality is stable" Ouch! that sounds like a positive thing!
The only stability I think they have is being consistently unstable.
Stable in never changes and in the cycles they exhibit and put others thru
I was thinking more unstable. They are predictable but I never think they are stable. And then again, narcissists are stable in the fact they are unstable and won’t change.
@@annebethkuijs9442 I was thinking that the opposite unstable was the opposite in general
I can’t imagine why someone would get back with a girlfriend/boyfriend even if they loved them! I’m dealing with my whole family who seem to be connected at the hip to my narc mom! I love them all.
Honestly, the only reason I'd suggest or support (as in 'yeah, it's a right choice') is if they had children. You're responsible for your child - you shouldn't leave your 5yo to be a handmaid/mom to siblings, or your 9yo to be isolated and damaged: you have to intercept the blows until they're AT LEAST old enough to be considered in court or with CPS or taken seriously by a teacher.
@@anne-vc7bg I would have issues with the abuse because staying with them makes me want to hate them and that’s not the type of person I am.
I went back because he promised to work on it and has actually shown me in the past 5 years that he's still working on it. I'm also letting him know that I'm onto him when he messes up. He sometimes throws a fit when I do this but he's getting better. We're happier than we have been in years. Working on 30 years of marriage.
Then your husband really isn’t a narcissist. At least he doesn’t have NPD. Because real narcissists don’t change.
Well it's good to hear, as a self-aware diagnosed narcissist it's pretty rare that we make an effort to change, just be very careful.
I'm glad for you, @29Janice and it's good to have your perspective. 🎉
Your back now has a giant target 🎯
I don't trust myself enough to go back & slip into fawn mode. I'm better off alone and my life is mostly ok.
This is my favourite video so far. It boiled down to this: can I sell my soul, put my kids in harm's way, and give up my deep core beliefs? Can't go back. Just can't do it. I know as an old person, I would regret it, that I wasted my energy on the wrong people and things.
Absolutamente
You are good mother. Thanks for your self reflection, you do a great job for your self and your kids. 💜
Leaving a narcissistic relationship is the hardest think you'll ever do, but it's the one thing you'll never regret doing. In doubt, do GO BACK! Go back as many times as needed to understand that there's NOTHING there. No love. No respect. No compassion. No reciprocity. No healthy conflict.
And if you do want to stay despite knowing that, be prepared to protect yourself and have a peaceful, supportive, fulfilling life outside of the relationship, because if not, it might kill you.
Peace, strength and growth to all. ❤
You never go back. But they say it takes an average of 7 times before a person leaves an abusive relationship permanently. So don't beat yourself up if you do. This is a cycle I broke years ago. If someone shows me who they are, I believe them the first time now. I have to be ready to do it. Once I'm ready, I never look back. I deal with the hurt and disappointment in the relationship, let myself grieve, then I walk away. No more second chances, I'm done. People have to be ready before they leave for good. Making a list of the pro's and con's is a good way to see it clearly. It's a personal decision.
Doctor ramy your an awesome person this video pulls all your training and knowledge in one take. Thank you for not giving up on us the victims. Thank you so much for finaly opening my mind. Thanks God be continuously with you. ❤
Only if you , family and friends see. But not reality
I don’t understand why anyone would ever go back to a narcissist. No one is worth putting yourself through that again.
I understand less that a therapist who has said time and time again that every time you get back with a narcissist it's worse, that they never change, and that they make you physically and mentally ill now says that "it's okay to get back in" and that "relationships are hard" and that "you can make it work" when in other videos she has said that it never works! 🤦🏾♀️ this video has left me impressed and confused. The video of radical acceptance if you stay, that's very good, but go further and say that it is okay to return 🤦🏾♀️🙄
Nope...no no no No it's insane to think about or ever do again and again, Thinking awe maybe this time it'll workout, No it will not.
The violence gets worse.
You're not emotionally matured enough if you go back, believing that you won't lose yourself!! 😢
Deep thoughts.Complex and generous understanding of human connections.
Not sure how I feel about the messages in this video. I see where it's coming from, and I don't mean to disrespect people making this decision. But in many cases my heart goes out to them because at best, it's a kind of hollow relationship and that makes you miss out on much fulfilment (+ peace) in life. But it's not always as black & white of course. When you open the door to going back, do think about which doors you are closing, for example the chance of a more healthy and mutual supportive relationship with someone else....
If you do go back, dr Ramani said 'you need your own things for a while'. I would say indefinitely...(If financially possible). But good luck because probably they are going to try to limit you being your own person, being authentic etc. That's one of the things that drives them.
And really think about, what does it add if you go back, it's a kind of hollow relationship in the best case scenario, no true connection.
We survivors are like ninjas. It’s always about doing flips in the air like a black belt
"The more you have hope, the more likely you are dealing with a trauma-bonded circumstance." This struck me as a very important statement, as it is how I had lived for decades in a relationship with my narcissistic father. I had finally gone mostly no-contact...then my mom died. The narcissism came back into my life full-force. Every text from him causes angst, and every response from me gives him narcissistic supply. What I really want is to move thousands of miles away...
The key is don’t get isolated!! I’ll tell you in my experience anymore there are more narcissist in this world than non narks! No cussing! 😊
Some are so vindictive and diabolically selfish. Some are so cruel, destroys a person's peace by mind games.
I feel like, in a way, I went back without actually physically leaving in the first place.
I learned about narcissism, I "got it", and I stayed in the relationship none the less. I had my reasons for staying. Knowing about narcissism has made it a little better. In any case, once you know, you know. It's not the partnership I dreamed of, it can never be healthy, but I have set boundaries now. I am close to loving family and friends, I'm happy doing things with them or alone. I live a separate life in a way.
If I'd understood narcissism at a younger age, maybe I'd have made different decisions, but even though I stayed, I'm so glad I know.
Thank you Dr. Ramini. ❤
I don’t understand why I went back to a malignant narcissist knowing everything I knew. It was like jumping in front of a train and hoping not to get hit.
It is funny that you are talking about this today on the heels of trying it with my narcissist again. The difference is I was clear about what I wouldn’t accept and that I was not afraid to split up. Thank you doctor.
With every narcissistic relationship there are many different circumstances. Whatever you do take it a day at a time. They can be dangerous like a venomous snake. Don’t get bit.
Love to me is close enough to not get burned but maybe a little enjoyment or to help. But far enough away to protect and be kind to me. I can’t stand their suffering at times. Even though I can’t really fix anything. It’s sad
Love in my book, is defined as complete loyalty to & absolute respect for the other person & in return reciprocated to you. That gives birth to TRUST, and without trust there's nothing but doubt.
You can live with constant doubt, sure, question is whether you think that's good enough for you? Or do you deserve more.
If you are thinking of going back once out, RESIST!
I went back in the 8th year and it just got worse. Now I’m getting my ducks in a row. Biggest mistake of my life. 12 years of hell. The wool is pulled from my eyes and Jesus is helping through the tough times until I do leave.
You don't. They will not change and you'll fall back into the same cycle.
Sad but so true.
I Thought there was Love in 14 years of Us Being together.
She Never Loved Me.
She always had me thinking it was always my fault. Nothing I Did was Ever Good Enough.
Its been 3 years and I still haven't dated anybody. I'm afraid that I don't know what a Real or Positive or Normal relationship (what ever normal is) is. I'm Mad and Hurt. I wasted 14 yrs of my life. I wasted my 30's on Her. That sucks.
Similarly, I wasted 12 years of my life to a narcissistic woman, I wasted my twenties away, however, we still have the present to make things right!
@Medjeed86 I feel ya... Gotta Move forward and make better choices.
I appreciate hearing you speak from this perspective. People in general are quick to judge others when no one fully knows the intricacies of your relationship than you. Love IS complicated with some people. Ultimately we each have to choose what we want and we have the right to change our mind either way.
Why in the world would anyone go back?!?!?! ACK!!!
For the love for YOURSELF, yes the love for YOURSELF, don’t do it!!! Keep moving forward in a totally different direction. ❤
Totally do not agree with you Dr. Ramani…
Lives are complicated. I think it is good that Doctor Romani is giving comfort to those that are stuck.
@@m.maclellan7147I don't agree at all, that comfort came in the radical acceptance videos, but now "It's okay to go back" and "you can make it work"!!! Are you kidding me?! I mean, this doesn't make sense! in this video she is basically contradicting everything she has said ad nauseum in all of her other videos. In fact, in this video she is not talking about being "stuck" at all.
This is so good. I am never going back to the Narc ex. I divorced him 7 years ago due to mental, emotional, financial and physical abuse. But I still have to engage and fight the battle for child maintenance at least for another 7 years. I have prepared myself for the pain and suffering this is going to involve. But at the moment I have no choice as the place where myself and children live (for them over every weekend with me), is at risk. We might lose our apartment due to the ex-husband, for the upteenth time having excuses for not paying child support.
Please don't go back 😭😭
The last time I reconnected with a narcissist who claimed to be in therapy (not to fix their behavior though), I instantly regretted it. Now there is nothing anything and anyone can do to convince me to go back, no matter how much they "changed".
Tried...got right out again after 2 days
Going back to a narcissist after you left????? That's the dumbest thing I have ever heard. If you do, you deserve what you get.
As a self-aware diagnosed narcissist I have to give you credit, that's the most brilliant comment I've read on this thread here.
@@NarcissistHex-nf9eq Thank You for your perspectiv as a narcissist yourself. You are right!. I think this video is actually dangerous
@ yeah it is and it's one of those videos she probably made because she couldn't think of any other subject.
There's no chance of trying, enduring & stoic traits are enough to keep me Alive anymore. After she tried to choke me, it's no free pass but yet she's still shocked that she is being charged for non-fatal strangulation. To think that I didn't see what she was doing destroying everyone around me. 😢 I don't want to die.
The timing of this video is actually scary.
I find the message in this video VERY dangerous
Dont do it narcissists will never change!!!
I pray God never ever see my mom and my sister again
He completely emptied me of love and compassion for him. Nothing he could do or say would fill me up with love again. My heart is full of love now but that's only because it is not leaking out to keep me in a relationship with him. It's there to be used for me, my daughters and grandkids. And my dog who is much easier to live with than he ever was. 😂😂
Oceans of blessings y'all ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Thank you for giving me a choice and not feeling guilty about it! I am "back in" with my eyes wide open. Thank you for all your books, especially "Should I stay or should I go?" It was a relief to be able to have a choice to stay or go in a narcissistic relationship, than everyone saying, "leave him."
We were together for 25 years before our relationship fell apart. We both wanted to get back together and we are doing very well. We both have our eyes wide open with a lot more understanding now. Thank you also for all your videos. They were a tremendous help for me.
By the way, I a 70 years young and very happy with my decision to stay.
I still feel like I love my ex who is a narcissist. I appreciate that he taught me how to meditate and he gave me some great book referrals. He is just so controlling . With my mom who is a narcissist my son and I might have to live with her while we are waiting for housing otherwise we could be homeless.
My ideal is to not engage with the narc.. I experienced DV at home with my mother and with my ex. It's like exchanging an apple for an orange.
they are trying to kill me that is what is wrong here
I Go through the same fighting everyday for life around them
@@aliyaaliya3866 They want you to delete yourself.
A narcissist end game is your total annihilation.
My situation is unique in that I never loved my narcissistic husband, not even a little bit. Didn’t even LIKE him! I dated him because I was single at 33 and tired of the questions about it, married him because he needed health insurance. I stayed 7 years because I felt guilty. It neatly killed me. Please don’t stay/return. I barely got out with my life and job intact and I am still in debt 8 years later.
You dated him without liking him at all just because you were single?
@DoctorRamani, I’d like to request a couple of videos if you can do that. I have to see the narcissist man who abused me at professional settings sometimes, and I’m worried about the potential for gossiping, hostility, collective bullying and gaslighting, and my own emotions being unstable having to be around him. Another video I’d like to hear about is when you’re still processing the trauma but the wound keeps getting resurfaced because even if you’re staying NC, you hear about their life from other people or news, how they’re doing (and usually how well they’re doing and how successful they are), and how hard it is to get back on track and stay focused on my work. I’d be so grateful if you could cover these topics. Thanks. I’ll take from this video what I can re: the professional situation, but it is quite different when they have power and influence and can wield it over you in a professional setting. I wish I could just run for the hills from them permanently but we are in the same field, so we will occasionally be in the same groups and at the same events together, and he had absolutely made it clear he intends to demonize me. I am worried about him trying to ruin my reputation.
I’d probably go back if I felt he sincerely apologized for abuse and was in therapy. But, I involved police after he assaulted me. He lied denying and falsely accused me of assaulting me. He had 3 criminal charges against me. Total projection/deflection. The ultimate in gaslighting. There’s no going back from that. He’d have to admit his horrible lie to family and friends. He won’t do it.
Wonderful work❤
Techniques for dealing with Narcissist with necessity of coparenting or aging parent
yes - aging parent
Thanks Ramani
I don't like the word "codependency" and it's often overused. It pathologizes victims even if they no longer depend on narcissists emotionally.
You don't like the word codependency, but if you do use the word "victim" to refer to people who have or have had relationships with narcissists, that doesn't make much sense. If there is no codependency or traumatic bond, there is no victim either.
@@tatianaa.3694 Codependency is a term used incorrectly according to Dr George K Simon. He recently discussed this in his last video.
@yukio_saito Agree 👍🏻
@@well_weathered Thank you. Codependency is a dysfunctional relationship, but not all dysfunctional relationships are codependent.
Dr. Ramani, is that you????
Why would you go back?
can change in therapy getting help if you really love someone you will change for them like I am
How do you deal with that as the friend that never stops hearing about it, gives advice and a listening ear for months only to be told yeah im going back again because he said sorry🤦♀️
Thank you!
Dont do it! I would rather die than go back to an Ex.
Why would a narcissist with clinical depression start escalating in behavior at age 65?
Thanks
I 👍like the 🗣️comment about 💃Narcissism 🚩detecting 😎glasses.😵💫Look 🧐back, before you go 🤨back.
Black Jesus please 🙏 help me be invisible to these psychopaths the day I leave the one I’m struggling to divorce 🙏wipe me from his memory completely! AMEN 🙏 Oh and strike me with madness if I ever consider him as a friend 🙏
You’d still have to leave, it’s just a matter of time.
Don't.
Why stay even loving him. He can’t love. Why. It isn’t love
Its hard to break bonds. I think this thing is spiritual and FATE
Or a general curse that needs to be broken.
@melisentiapheiffer3034 yes . Have ever broken a curse?
not fate
@@LOVEJOYMakan I'm currently doing that now, but it's still hard as I am so isolated.
@melisentiapheiffer3034 @melisentiapheiffer3034 oh, am glad you have the strength to break. Me am struggling, because after I learned demonology I realized am fighting against serious ancient water spirits
It’s hard to find support at all. People don’t really get this and I like my solitude. But right now I’m low contact and not going back in closer. I can flex in and out at times. I try to keep a safe distance but know at times I might get burned and need to back away for a bit. That’s my stable level of close/distance.
This video helped me enough 😌
Thank you. We need to be accountable to ourselves most of all. I'm considering taking up contact with my parents again after no contact.
I hope you have some strong boundaries in going back. I did this with a family member and the behaviour became worse. I kept a list of all the nasty, vindictive, manipulative things that had been done to me and referred to this whenever I considered in reversing my boundary of no contact. There has to be significant change on their part. Good luck.
10:34 I'd go so far as to say that if you're watching this video you are not codependent.
On the contrary, if you are watching this video you are a codependent who does not accept it, and who is looking for "excuses" to return. An emotionally healthy person would not return to such an unbalanced relationship, because they are people who do not settle for less than what they know they deserve. This video is really dangerous
@@tatianaa.3694 i saw some of your commenys and i agree, i hope dr . Ramani makes a follow up vid.
Καλησπερα σας γιατρε,
Σας παρακολουθω απο την ομορφη Ελλαδα.
Ειστε υπεροχη!!!😊
Θα μπορουσατε να απαντησετε σε μια ερωτηση μου;
Ενας μεγαλεωδης Ναρκισσος ,που εχει προβει σε ολα τα ειδη βιας, θα μπορουσε, με την καταλληλη ψυχοθεραπεια, να καλλιεργησει την ενσυναισθηση που του λειπει;
Με την προυποθεση ,βεβαια, να ειναι διατεθειμενος να ψαχτει!
Αναλαμβανετε Ναρκισσους σε on line συνεδριες;
Σας ευχαριστω
Να στε καλα❤
They could become violent
It’s time to bust up the societal “norms” of
The patriarchy
This in incredibly helpful. It's certainly something I have wondered about and I even spoke directly to my Ex about this before leaving. He was telling me that if he could just get to the other side of the latest stressful events, then things would be better again, and I asked, "And what about the next time, and the time after that? This isn't the last stressful event that will occur in your life. What's going to be different?" There was no answer of course. And yet still I wondered even after leaving, if he might actually get better and perhaps might not slip into quite such a bad state again and might miraculously somehow stop cycling through his good/bad pattern. But based on 2 decades of evidence, there's no reason at all to expect that he is changing his outlook and approach to life and his behaviours, it is just a hopeful thought and also perhaps a way of trying to cope with the fact that I was in relationship with someone like this, by improving my esteem of him.
If you feel like going back to someone with BPD or NPD, you must have a kink for feeling like Christ during the Crucifixion.
😂😭😭
U never go home again ...its in a book i read onxe......dont think its younits them..thats on them .. ive never dekt such oeace in the oast ywebty years. Ni can also see others for who they are now w too
5th , 30 January 2025
Dont
Whew
You basically talk to women, right down to the ads. Though, in the beginning, you weren't this way. This makes me feel like my and my daughter's continued abuse from my now EX-wife is invalid.
Lots of projection there...abuse is abuse and your experience is valid. I've never heard her say anything else...
I have no doubt that Dr. Ramani is well aware of this. Covert, overt, and malignant narcissism manifest with striking frequency in individuals of all genders.
@@kyliefinlayson3865
I've stuck to subbing to her over the years. Though, I don't notice this on the handful of other subs I retained after a pre-COVID deep dive into Cluster B.
That said, what do you think I am projecting?
P.S. - She also has mentioned in more recent uploads she reads none of her comments. If that's entirely true, it seems she's burying her head in the sand instead of accepting any constructive criticism, which slowly separates her from reality and makes her harder to relate to. I think she has great knowledge to share. But, she's less on point than she was.
@@go4damoyou DO know that it is TH-cam that selects what ads you get ?! 🙄
Dr. R is a busy woman, I'm sure she doesn't have the time to read the comments.
She offers education. If you want personal therapy, go to a therapist.
@go4damo There is Proffessor Sam Vaknin and Richard Grannon on TH-cam as well.
So powerful ❤️🩹
Thx🤍