cheating when my boyfriend's in the room! 1 800 Drama Podcast | Reddit AITA
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 7 ก.พ. 2025
- 1 800 Drama Episode 22 is live! In this week's r/AITA deep dive, we talk personal hygiene and shower schedules, disowning a kid over a car, and a rather dramatic cheating revisit..! grab a cuppa and let’s go fishing 🎣🍑✨
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What’s a red flag to me is when people continue to use a nickname after you have said you don’t like the nickname
A former friend of mine at school did that. She decided to call me "foxy" at one point and "mrs hudson" (house keeper from sherlock) some time later. I told her that I didn't want that and she ignored it. I am still angry at the disrespect and we did have a bad falling out. So it was literally a red flag/warning sign for her later beavior
When I was still going by my dn, there was a very common nickname for it that I HATED being called. Genuinely don't know why, it's not a bad name. But ligit if someone called me that, they got ONE warning before I'd hit them 💀 I still hate being called it more than my dn tbh
@@Cometsarecool Yeah, my name is Eleanor but I never got Elly because there was a girl in my class named Elly-May. A couple of girls tried to use Ellen as a nickname but I shut that down because I have a cousin Ellen
This! My name has about 3 variations and so people will ask me which I prefer. Even after I tell them they still call me the one I've said that I really didn't like being called.
Absolutely
AuDHD here... showering is absolutely a sensory difficulty for me. It's dry, then it's wet; it's cold then hot then cold; there's stringy wet hair and water driplets and cat hair sticks to my wet feet. Ugh! I try to shower at least twice a week (more often if necessary), but it can be hard. Keeping up with other forms of hygiene via sponge baths, wipes, etc is absolutely helpful.
I think that last part is the key, hygiene is important for health but showers aren’t always an option due to neurodivergence, availability, injury, etc. In those cases, using other methods like wipes can be a great solution.
Also, I’ve found a red light heat lamp and shower shoes help me a lot with the jarring sensory changes of showering. You might find those helpful!
It is loud as well
I can't even imagine, showering is one of my favorite things. Being in any water is super zen to me. My biggest sensory issue is when I don't feel clean. Glad you could find something that works. I kinda feel like OP's gf might not want solutions bc she like having something to complain about, or else why would she be posting it everywhere?
Lume does work as well such a life saver
On the topic of the first one:
As someone who actually does only shower once a week due to sensory issues, executive dysfunction, and chronic fatigue, I really really get how hard it can be to bathe. I recommend finding other ways to keep reasonably clean, like using a washcloth and/or baby wipes, washing just your face if you can manage that, making sure to wear deodorant, maybe using some dry shampoo (depends on how easily your hair gets greasy), and still changing underwear regularly. Yeah, its sometimes so hard to stay clean, but even small efforts can make an impact! Please don't just give up and not do anything, and don't forget that you are NOT a failure for having poor hygiene.
Audhd + chronic fatigue handshake. I typically only have the energy to shower on weekends because work, even from home, takes all my energy during the week.
I feel like I wrote this comment lol. Wet wipes are my friend. I’m lucky my hair is very dry and takes weeks to get greasy.
Something has helped me motivate myself to make sure i atleast get 1 shower per week is getting body wash that smells amazingly! I love smelling the smell so I have some motivation to get into the shower
Same here - showering is a sensory nightmare for me, so I only take baths - and even that is rough. I still struggle to get in the tub once a week. I do wash up and change underclothes and make sure I don't smell bad. There is no shame in it - and that guy in the story was just shaming the woman.
If the crotch, pits and face/teeth are clean you are good barring big messes
Last story: Not a judgement, Just a friendly reminder, engaging in sexual acts with an uninvolved, non-consenting individual in the room IS SA/Harassment :)
I would have not said a word to the roommate, but immediately went to college authorities. I would have told them I said to stop and they did not and it's violating my consent. And I'd do everything in my power to not have that roommate afterwards.
@@EotuaDawnwalker THIS!
Absolutely!
While I agree entirely, as someone who was also in college at that time frame as the poster, and at a very liberal college at that, emphasis on consent of just the two immediate parties was fairly recent in their dialogue across campus, and being the subject of another room mate’s escapades was seen as a failure of the victim and sometimes even treated as jealousy (“youre just mad you weren’t lucky” that sort of thing).
It gives me so much joy and relief that advocating for all parties, both directly and indirectly involved, is becoming a common place thing nowadays. I encourage anyone who is experiencing this or similar issues now now to do exactly this to advocate for yourself, and possibly even escalate it if you can because the school may at least waive the fee increase for the remainder of the semester or something so that you can get some reprieve from that urgent situation. I just want to emphasize that this was probably not a perceivable option back when the poster was in college, and those dialogues probably weren’t common place until after she graduated.
I have sexual trauma and that would have dysregulated me for days, maybe even weeks. I would have lost my shit.
Telling someone neurodivergent to do something can also trigger what is called “demand avoidance” where you lose all motivation to do something because someone is telling you to do it. I luckily don’t experience this so much but I know that some people do and that it can be super annoying for them. Especially if you also need reminders to do stuff but someone reminding you to do something you were just about to do makes you completely incapable of doing it.
Oof, yeah I think I have this. It can be phrased in a way that doesn't trigger it- my husband asking me please if I could make sure I do a load of laundry cuz he's almost out of shirts is fine. But there are definitely a lot of ways to phrase it that do trigger that spiteful response. Thinking on it, it seems (for me at least) to be a difference between someone ordering me to do something and expecting me to do it without question versus someone asking me to do something almost like a favor.
The military partner definitely needs to do some more research to really understand his partner and be able to offer support in a way that doesn’t make her situation worse.
My brother really struggles with that. I found some ways to work around it like giving him options to chose from (for example household tasks, if I know there are multiple things I don't tell him what to do, I tell him the options and ask which one he would prefer). My mum doesn't get it. I told her multiple times but she is a "my way or no way" person. Hopefully my brother is able to move out soon, he will do so much better alone, I know it!
I think I have this. Literally, my motivation and energy to do something is absolutely tanking the moment someone tells me I should do this. Even if I was literally in the process of starting said work. It is so annoying.
@ayla6854I think I have this too. It just the fact that people be telling me to do this stuff, and it makes me feel like they wanted me to do it for their own benefits and that pissed me off
For the peach drama: absolutely not the drama. I would have done the exact same thing, keep yourself safe and let those people sort out their sh*t. She had confronted the girl about that behavior before and the girl didn't seem to care that much; she had tried to talk to other people in her circle and was met with zero support; SHE'S A 19Y-O ALONE IN A ROOM WITH THREE DRUNK PEOPLE, TWO OF WHICH ARE GUYS SHE'S NEVER MET BEFORE AND SHE HAS NO WAY OF KNOWING HOW THEY'LL REACT: nope. Complete nope. I don't think that keeping quiet there was selfish, I think it was the best course of action for keeping yourself safe
I get iffy vibes from the boyfriend in the second story - the fact that he himself bought a new car despite needing financial support from his girlfriend, and then also he was complaining about the mom being controlling even though OP has never had a problem with her before.
Just for me, it kind of seems like he’s trying to drive a wedge between them because they don’t like him or his lifestyle, but that might just be me.
I agree, that also bothered me. I also don’t think either OP or the boyfriend sound very financially responsible if they have financial issues but both bought new cars with a loan.
Yeah! Exactly. And they are 20 years old. I'm just 25 and i have learned sooo much about adulthood and family in that time. 20 years is almost a teenager in my eyes
In the car scenario, I think part of what OP is leaving out is that there are younger siblings in her family that had wanted to take over the car if OP was going to buy a new one. She said her whole family agrees with the mom and isn't talking to her, so I suspect that is whats going on.
Yeah there's definitely information missing
That is definitely a possibility. In any case I do think there is some information missing, as it seems very strange the whole family would be against OP + she also stated the mother’s reaction is unusual. I think there is definitely more to the story.
I think it's also possible that the financial issue is a long standing problem. OP feels like the family is mad over just the car, but to me, this reads like the family was already upset and this car thing was a last straw
she also said she shares her car hobby with her boyfriend, but didn't mention anything about fixing up cars. I got the impression that she just wanted to impress him by having a cool car. She knew her family was no ok with her selling the old car, so in my view she chose her bf over her family.
If this was supposed to be the plan (passing on the car to other family when you are done with it), the car should have LEGALLY stayed under the Mom's ownership so she would have legal control over it.
I just want to put this information out there for people living in countries without winter: winter people shower less.
If it is very cold enough, people shower as little as once a week or once a month or something. They DO clean themselves in between, like wipe down or something that uses less water.
I'm just saying this because a lot of people in my country shower several times a day and judge others in cold climates for doing "less"
Hi! I think this is bad generalization. I am from the antarctic region "owned" by Chile and on our culture we shower everyday sometimes twice a day. Especially when there is too much snow or rain, it is esential for the temperature of our bodies (and to keep the pipes from frozing!). But I could see when i was in europe that they would shower maybe twice a week, and yeah it was stinky but I don't mind, each their own, but i am totally sure this is a cultural thing and not a climate thing.
@Procrastinacion_ good to know. Sorry, I just named a random wintery place without looking it up.
@@Procrastinacion_yeah…it’s both. In My culture ritually bathe…often…both men and women….at different times…as well as ritualized hand washing before touching food , you can’t say the name of god within the sight or smell of feces you need to say the name of god to eat,…so food hygiene is built in….and we’ve been forced to live in just about every climate. So there’s a minimum bathing…not just washing…for cultural reasons but nothing says you are forbidden from bathing MORE….except when it becomes wasteful…because ecology is also part of the culture…
No one has ever told me the point in which bathing becomes wasteful in real life….more just do let leave water running for no reason…
‘Every climate” included 60 miles south of the Arctic circle other side of the globe from you…west of Siberia.
1st story. Yes, a lot of autistic people hate showers, including my 13 year old. But my 13 year old takes baths. There are lots of ways to maintain hygiene without taking a shower. If OP is concerned, is he trying to come up with any kind of helpful suggestions or brainstorming? I would also be extremely concerned if she has been in bed for the past 7 days. To me that speaks of debilitating depression that needs some kind of help soon. I just don't think OP or the girlfriend's friends just unquestioningly supporting her are being helpful at all.
Edit: woo vroom-vroom!
Jamie is so correct about the feeling the op is being shady as hell. There are certain things the op wrote that flag in my brain as this doesn't fit the context. I feel the op that sold the car is heavily writing themselves as the victim and leaving out massive details.
I shower once a week. If my mental health is especially bad, I can go 2 weeks.
I'm not physically active and stay inside the house 99% of the time. I'm really not dirty and needing a shower every day.
If hygiene is a genuine concern, they should use bathing wipes. Mainly used in hospitals and care homes, but are completely valid to use in other situations.
Me too. I shower when I need to wash my hair. As long as I remember the deodorant I don’t get stinky.
Yeah. I use intimate vipes and wet vipes with soap and then I wet a cloth to wash away the soap. I also use dry shampoo. I try to shower at least 1-2 times a week, especially when I have to leave the house for lectures. But some days I literally chose between getting out of bed to eat or getting out of bed to shower, and those days I have learned to choose food/water over hygiene.
Same, I don't do much so I don't get all that stinky or dirty. I've gone far longer when my mental health was at its worst though.
HOLY SHIT that last story is insane. Don't blame op at all for not doing anything I would've probably done the same from all the trauma that would've given me, oh my god.
Overthinker if you somehow read this I'm so sorry that happened to you, I can't even imagine.
RE: Cheating roommate -- I'd pretend to have a nightmare.
Every time.
lol that or start sleep walking because exams were too stressful!
I think I would have found whatever way to wake the boyfriend
This made me burst out laughing! The options!! But this is my response now in my 40s. When I was a new adult I probably would have been terrified to do anything.
I'd rick roll them, imagine: you start getting freaky, then all of a sudden the Never Gonna Give You Up synth drums blast up out of nowhere
Screaming night terrors. 😂 Or blast like children music 🎶
For the car one: Just wanted to note that upgrading your car isn't necessarily a bad decision when you are financially unstable. At some point "regular maintenance" for a car starts to become much more expensive as things start to break down or wear out and there can be a lot more surprise expenses. A new car should have a warranty so while it may mean higher monthly costs it likely would also mean costs are more consistent and therefore more manageable. Also, upgrading to a more energy efficient car can save you money in the long run.
If I remember correctly, OP said that her mom "paid for" the car 10 years ago - not that she "bought" it 10 years ago. Maybe mom had a loan on the car and only paid it off 10 years ago. (A reasonable assumption since it sounds like mom has a loan on the new car.) So it may be that the car is 13-15 years old which means it could definitely be in the "expensive upkeep" phase of it's life.
Definitely true, often keeping an older, ‘cheaper’ car is way more expensive. I’ve had my car for under 3 years and I’ve spent about twice as much on repairs in that time as I paid for it. It would be way cheaper in the long run for me to have gotten a much more expensive car but I couldn’t at the time (and can’t now), so I just have to put up with paying smaller amounts regularly.
It’s a bit like buying small amounts of something because it’s all you can afford upfront even though buying in bulk would be way cheaper
This was my thought as well. It is a very financially reasonable thing to so if an old clunker car is becoming more expensive than simply buying a newer, but still used car that is in much better shape. Also, the younger siblings might not understand the costs involved because op's mom has turned them into flying monkeys. Or op could be wanting to but a brand new Hummer, in which case, mom is likely correct and op is being dumb. But even then, it would still be ESH because of the vile "I will DISOWN you if you sell MY car" which is just frankly unhinged and almost certainly meant to be emotionally/financially manipulative (abusive).
That was my first thought!
Also they said that their hobby is cars, so they should know this.
I thought that too, but wondered why OP wouldn't have said so right away (both to her family and to reddit) if that was the case. It's probably the most understandable possible reason a financially unstable person might upgrade away from old car like the one her mom gave her.
I think first OP probably also needs to acknowledge that military routine is NOT the healthier option and he's most definitely got some baggage/trauma to unpack. He shouldn't be projecting the fears from his military programming onto other people.
That thing he said about "bad hygiene killing more soldiers than bullets" seems totally irrelevant to the context. His girlfriend isn't a soldier crawling through the desert for days or whatever. She's a civilian maybe going to work in an air conditioned building, maybe going grocery shopping, maybe just hanging around her home. I can't help but wonder if OP's military training caused him to develop some germophobic issues.
This! OP is totally stuck in their ways.
@@anacsadder agreed! If he’s afraid for his girlfriend’s safety then he needs a reality check. She is not at increased risk of disease or infection the way you would be in a war zone with open wounds and unsanitary conditions. She’s at home, safe, and probably just with some oily hair and BO at worst. It’s not a danger or a moral failing. It’s simply a task she struggles with (and I get it, I do too).
Why was the bath not an option a romantic bubble bath I understand both sides of the story but why not bath instead
@@diamonddead8162 well a romantic couples bath would be hard since they seemed to be talking long distance. Also for me personally as someone with AuDHD who struggles to shower, a bath is probably even harder for me haha. Also I don’t currently have access to one, and I didn’t at my last place either so it might not be an option for her. I do agree that a towel bath or wipe bath would be a good option to help her between showers, and she should seek advice on how to make showering easier for her, but judging her as dirty and unhealthy will just cause shame. Many autistic people also have demand avoidance, so the more we feel pressure to do something the harder it can be to do. We can feel the need to regain a sense of control by avoiding such demands, even if they are demands we put on ourselves and want to do. Sometimes the more I feel like I NEED to shower, or NEED to sleep, or NEED to clean my room, the harder it is.
The last one is reminding me so much of my freshman dorm experience in the US 😅. Yes, you share a room together with no wall between the roommates. NTD op, you were just trying to survive a weird, uncomfortable situation and didn't know the boyfriend well enough to tell him
I’m so glad my freshman roommate and I were friends since middle school and neither of us had any desire to bring people back to our room to screw haha. She was a wonderful roommate and I miss her a lot now (we live in different countries).
@@thecolorjune that's unfortunate that you two are far apart now but I bet both of you hold that time dear in your hearts that you were able to share ☺️
That's my opinion too. Plus if it was a safer environment for them I think they would've told the bf about it. Sucks that they have to deal with that situation again now because they heard about the wedding, I can totally relate to thinking about decisions like that later. Life if not black and white. Some situations don't have an easy right option to chose.
I NEVER REALIZED I HAD A SENSORY ISSUE.
I just sort of accepted that I can really only shower once or twice a week, and the rest of the week it's a warm cloth with water. When I was a teenager I couldn't get myself into the shower at all and my mom would get SO PISSED. She would yell at me so much. But I still couldn't stand it. The temperature changes were always too much. Like, even if I got the shower PERFECTLY room temperature, I would always end up cold afterwards, and I don't do cold well at all. Especially wet + cold.
As an adult I've had to compromise with things such as:
- I now keep my hair in a buzz cut so I can wash my hair without needing to get soaked
- I use a warm wash cloth to "bathe" on days that I don't shower
- Forcing myself to bathe if I do get sweaty
I guess I just never realized that I had developed coping mechanisms for these sensory issues.
Also, it is very healing to hear that these coping mechanisms are something you would recommend to someone who was struggling with that.
As a neurodivergent person married to another neurodivergent person i can say that showering can be a sensory nightmare for both of us in different and overlapping ways and we have to get creative with our approaches.
how you can be supportive of her may be...
encourage her to take a bath instead (in a shower, water repeatedly hits skin, but doesn't remain there, so there is constant percussion.) Encourage aromatherapy diffuser/candles, music that is soothing or encouraging or empowering her. Encourage tub toys if there are such that make her happy. Get space heater or heat lamp to get air as warm as water.
And every time you return from a trip, first thing you do is draw a bath for her including these things.
When you are not there, it is up to her, or you can ask one of her close friends to stop by once or twice per week.
If baths don't work, find out what kind of sponge/rag bath routine she can maintain, and support that. (for me, before workouts I prepare a washcloth and a basin of hot water with essential oils and epsom salts... could add a bit of soap to this... and I wet-brush hair clean then wipe head to toe to get clean.
And when she manages to wash herself, pamper her, because her entire nervous system has just endured irritation/overwhelm which could be on the level of having a migraine.
Also, OPs girlfriend needs more explicit instruction on what is okay to share on line.
AuDHDer, totally have sensory issues about showering. I hate wet skin. It’s fine while I’m in the shower, but as soon as I get out, it’s awful, especially wet hair touching my skin *shiver*. Yet, I take a bath every night, and shower to wash my hair twice a week.
I don't believe I'm on the spectrum, but what you described about hating the feeling of wet skin once you get out of the shower is exactly how I feel! I also hate the feeling of wet hair in general
Dude, even I don’t wash my hair twice a week, I keep it tied up almost 24/7 and although it can get a little dirty, it’s barely noticeable when they’re up in a bun so I don’t really care tbh, it just takes soooo long to wash and detangle curly hair ! But my curls are also part of the reason I can afford that, they hide part of the dirtiness too.
I’m actually planning on shaving the whole damn thing off lol. No more 2hr shower, no more overheating when they’re down or them getting caught in everything. I’ll just keep some on the top and that’ll be plenty.
Uff i hadn't even thought about people with thick or curly hair... I would die..
I want to shave off my hair and its like silky smooth and thin so it only takes me 5 minutes to wash 😅 i totally could understand if you would shave it off
This is why I towel dry in the shower itself, which doesn't work in tiny showers *shudder*
Also AuDHDer with sensor issues, I'll only shower about twice a week unless I do something that makes me feel gross. Shower caps have been super helpful because there are many days where I just can't handle the wet hair
As someone with major sensory issues, showering is incredibly difficult most days. I do my best to do it everyday, or even every other day, but it always is extremely quick and im usually in a not so great mood after because of how irritated I feel in my own skin.
It is absolutely a barrier to some people, so I understand the first girl's pov, HOWEVER, she did take it too far with her actions after. I would recommend that the boyfriend sit down with her, find out the little nuances of her sensory issues and mental state regarding bathing, as well as do some research. There are body wipes that are designed for cleaning oneself when one doesnt have access to a shower (like when camping) which have been a gods-send for me. As for my personal judgement, id say overall NAH with a *tiny* little drama badge for the gf just because of her actions with posting on social media. The bf could stand to be a little kinder, but we don't know how exactly he said things to her, so as long as he wasn't attacking her, I would say he's not an AH per se but he shouldn't say she's gross either.
This! I'm autistic and sometimes struggle with bathing (mainly because I hate getting webbed hands) but there comes a point where you need to stop making excuses and just do things. Also the way the girlfriend immediately jumped onto socials to complain about OP + twist the story is a huge red flag to me.
Totally agree with everything you said! We have to acknowledge that we are only hearing his side of things, and don't know exactly how the conversation went down. But if everything he said is taken at face value, it sounds like he did approach her previously to ask if he can help / what she might need and she shut the conversations down. I won't criticise her for that because she may a) not want other people getting involved, especially if she's feeling any level of shame about it, or b) simply not know what it is she needs, so of course she can't tell anyone. I think maybe the best he can do is to maybe rethink the language he uses and the way he communicates those messages, put one more offer into the space between them of working with her to understand and support, and if the answer is a no then.. he can only control his actions from then on, and not hers. As for her reaction, if she's feeling any kind of shame about her difficulties then I understand where the strong, lashing out response has come from but it's not okay. That's something she needs to work on going forwards. I have no idea what badge I would give.. a very weak ESH maybe lol.
regarding the first one:
I am autistic, and showering is very difficult for me. The changes in temperature, the wet skin, the lights, sometimes even the sound of the water. I think that sometimes its about finding out what works for you and what makes it easier for you. If it means showering in the dark with ear plugs, or using a wet towel , you can try to find something that makes it feels less overwhelming
I love how I physically feel after having a shower, and from that alone, I'd do it twice a day if I could. Unfortunately, between sensory issues and chronic fatigue, I struggle to do it at all. It's usually 3-7 days between showers, unless I'm going out or getting sweaty for some reason. I try to change my clothes and sheets more often to mitigate things somewhat, but doing modified washing like with damp cloths or wet wipes or just washing my face is so MUCH. When I don't face an imminent necessity to shower, not doing it allows me to get on with my life, e.g. keep myself fed.
This isn't my thoughts on the post, I'm just sharing my shower issues lol.
I'm so obsessive about hygiene that I get anxiety when I don't shower, but it does take forever bc between loving the sensation of the water and your typical executive dysfunction, I usually end up plugging the tub to try not to waste water and then just sitting down while I clean limbs, hair, etc. Then afterward is a nap lol
Hi from sweden where we definitely could work in the dark without curtains at 4pm (in December it will be at 3pm)😂
Eyyyy fellow swede. 😂🎉
I'm autistic and had struggled to shower just as much as gf in the first post (it's now gotten better with me showering every 3 maybe 5 days max) and personally even just having someone insinuate that I was gross for it made it even worse, still would. Idk why but it just hurts a lot and takes any hint of motivation to shower away.
That being said it was also VERY immature of her to just take all that to social media, I do not approve of that.
Exactly this. My own mother used to make comments about me being stinky or gross instead of just kindly nudging me towards a shower. It stung so bad that I remember them almost 20 years later, and I still resent her for it (I'm no-contact with her now, so it's moot point anyways). It definitely never made me go "oops, sorry! I'll hop in the shower right now!" On the contrary, it made me go hole up in my room and not want to leave even for mealtimes for days on end. I would still shower during that time, but it didn't feel good to get it done like it usually would.
Nowadays, I shower about every 3 or 4 days unless something like yardwork or an intense workout gets me all gross and wanting a shower for my own comfort. I haven't had anyone complain about my hygeine. On the flip side, my sister showers twice a day, sometimes more, and still gets told she stinks by awful bully coworkers because her body naturally produces odors much faster than mine. Every body is different. The girlfriend isn't going to keel over dead because she doesn't want/doesn't have the energy to shower today. There are definitely other options like sponge baths, wipes, and dry shampoo if she has a noticeable odor problem, but telling her she's gross and comparing it to a very strict military hygeine routine is out of line. That said, she was also way out of line saying "I hate all men" and venting about him in particular, both publicly and to her friends. I'm more worried about their communication issues than her hygeine.
For me I feel like it's the kind of thing where it's a mix of demand-avoidance as well as shame. Getting reminded you "should" which then makes me feel like I "have to" which then makes it feel like such a large pressure, and obligation. Which makes it exhausting which makes it overwhelming. On top of that, I already feel a level (varying from tolerable to intense) shame around how hard it is and how (lack of) often I manage it. Having it thrown in my face in an unkind way (intentional or not) would make me feel even more shame would lock me up even harder in my head and make it even worse.
What doesn't help at all, but is really interesting to me, is that I genuinely really like the physical sensations of going in the shower; I love it a lot, I love having a sponge and scrubbing my body, I like smelling nice, I like the consistent water hitting my bare skin, it's really enjoyable and I could genuinely spend hours in there.
The problem comes in my case from:
A) Getting up to the shower.
It's on a different floor to my room, and stairs are the bane of my existence.
B) Preparing for the shower.
Because working out all of the details and having everything ready to use once I leave is exhausting and hard and if I forget any I easily lose anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour of my day dealing with the aftermath.
C) Actually leaving the shower.
Because I don't have a functioning sense of time, and it also inherently takes me longer than average to actually like, take the shower. This has a double negative of "it takes a long time so it's even more exhausting" but also "people are more likely to prod at me to get out the shower", which, demand avoidance. (And I don't !! Blame !! Them !! It is a lot of water but legitimately 95% of the time I get told that I've "been in there long enough" it's like, not me "choosing to stay in because I want too" but like, literally just how long it takes me to actually wash my body because of the physical and mental struggle of staying on task mixed with the fact that if I rush it it becomes extremely overwhelming and takes out any of the pleasant part of the experience which then would just, suck?)
D) The rest of the process:
Like, drying properly ("properly" being "not wet in a sensory issues way") and then getting dressed and going back downstairs can take me so so long. Especially as like, sitting there wet wrapped in a blanket trying to dry myself I often struggle to not just, fall asleep, at that point. Since this is obviously after I've climbed a set of stairs, set things up, stood and actively cleaned myself in the shower (which !! despite me enjoying it sensory a lot !! is exhausting as all hell !!)
Very often I will just, get out of the shower, hobble my way to the upstairs bedroom, cover the bed with a towel, wrap my hair in a towel, wrap myself in a towel, and then just lay on top of the double towel situation and end up drifting off, if not actually just falling asleep. (I wanna avoid getting the bed wet as much as possible in the first place lol.) (Will also add that it's always a "nap" type sleep, tbh, I don't think I've ever hit REM from it... I wonder if I could abuse that? Like 'schedule' Shower->Nap time all in one? It's probably a better way to get dry too because the only other way I can manage to dry myself is to like, scrub quite hard with a towel, as patting feels sensorially weird and is significantly more tiring.)
I'm not going to lie a potential (and promising) solution to my struggle was the last thing I expected from typing this out but here I am LMFAO.
(also i feel like i had other things to say but entirely blanking on what they were if i even did and im kinda tired so im going to just leave it here fajfabjfa)
For the car story, I would say it's either ESH or not enough info. BUT if you are gifted your parents old car I don't think they get the final say. Especially if the OPs been paying for the car this entire time. But in general the story is either fake, missing a lot of info, or the family is insane.
Some families are insane, and a child raised in that family may need a long time to realize that, and thus may be seriously downplaying the toxic behavior.
I think OP does suck but not for wanting to get rid of the car - if you give a gift, that person can do whatever they want with it, it’s not your property anymore.
BUT someone mentioned they think maybe OP has younger siblings who want the car, which would make a lot of sense. Or maybe the parents are struggling financially or something.
I wouldn’t be surprised if the car wasn’t really gifted and it was more of a ‘use this as if it’s yours while you need it’ kind of deal.
My dad got me a car from a junkyard that he fixed up for me to drive. When it was time for me to get a new car, I gave him all the money I got from selling the old car (wasn’t a large amount, just $500) because he put all the work into getting that car for me. To me, OP sounds immature. In my experience when a teen gets their first car it is more of a case of “you can use this car for as long as you need it and it can help you get your life started”not “here is an object that can cost up to $50K, do whatever you want”. But the reaction of the family is a bit insane so there is definitely some info missing.
@@Lucifersfursona I agree with you 100% in general and you make a good point.
But we’re strangers on the internet and don’t have the full story (not as in we need the abuser’s side, but that we’re not hearing OP’s side fully and so much info is missing). It’s hard to decide that it’s abuse based off of what was said.
I could’ve missed it but I don’t think OP said her family mocked her financial situation, but take issue with her financially supporting her boyfriend. The way it’s being communicated is the difference between healthy concern and something more sinister, and from what I heard (again, could’ve missed something) it didn’t sound bad.
I agree that this kind of behaviour from the Mum would be abusive if it’s a pattern. Things like emotional/psychological abuse have to be a pattern for it to be abuse other than just being a human that makes mistakes. An example would be if someone’s partner gets jealous that they’re on good terms with an ex and tells them they need to delete them on social media. If this happened one time and the person realised their mistake, apologised after calming down and it didn’t happen again, that’s not an abusive relationship. If that was a common occurrence it is abusive. For physical and sexual abuse of course it’s different.
OP said they’ve never clashed before and didn’t mention she’s scared because of how her siblings are treated. It could be the case, but we have no reason to think it is.
Like I said, I agree with you mostly. I just think in this specific scenario it’s likely the Mum is being unreasonable and awful as a one off, like everyone can be.
@leggyegg2890 if the car wasn't really gifted to her, the mother would not have changed the title into OP's name. The fact that she was legally able to sell it shows that it was her property.
About the first one : I have Audhd and at some point in my life I did shower once a week and I can confirm it's not extreme, and yes it can be a real issue. I'm still unable to shower if I had a long day and after I did I'll need at least 3h without doing anything too tiring or without going out, which can be pretty disabling because you have to plan a lot etc. I can confirm it's an actual issue and disability and has nothing to do with laziness and ppl with this proble we do understand it can be a problem for others and often feel lots of shame when we can't do better, so no need, imo, to add to this shame.
But, if not extreme, a week still is a lot, and I had to find tips to maintain a better hygiene (specifically after starting T X') and without taking an actual shower there's things you can do if you struggle with that too : changing clothes every day, washing some parts of your body that require more attention, using a good deodorant and dry shampoo...
I just wouldn't recommend baby wipes for ecological reasons (also I'm not sure it's very good for the skin, specifically on private parts).
Also : friendly reminder that taking an actual full shower every day (instead of every two days) is not recommended by dermatologists. If you feel you need it then do it but it's not ideal !
I second the take on the wipes not being great for ecological reasons and also caution others on using them on privates, especially for those of us with vaginas- please read the wipe packets before buying as most of them specifically say not to use them in that area. There are specialty wipes for down there if you can't handle a washcloth scrub.
For story one, I think he has every right to not want to cuddle with her or whatever while she’s unshowered. But he does not have a right to demand she overcome her disability. Disabilities are by definition disabling. It sounds like the girlfriend explained more than once that she was having her life affected by her disability and he was like “but have you considered that it shouldn’t be? Have you considered you’re gross and wrong?”
I don’t think that was necessarily intentional, but he should recognize that he’s penalizing a disabled person for their disability and lecturing them about how to just not be disabled. If he truly wanted to help he could suggest specific options, or just be emotionally supportive and let her be able to talk about her struggle without judgement
That's exactly what bugged me about that one, obviously i wasn't there but it sounds like he heard her vent about something she struggles with and tried to fix it rather than listening to her and actually trying to provide support and then retroactivley asking how she wants to be supported after he already shamed her for her habits, i wouldn't be open to communication after that either tbh. I know when my executive dysfunction is inhibiting me from doing things its not helpful when someone comes in and tells me hey its gross to have all those dirty dishes growing mold on the counter have you considered just washing them? Yeah of course i have my brain will not physically let me do that. We already know when our gross symptoms are gross, we already feel bad about it being told that it's gross or unhealthy doesn't make hard tasks easier to do. All the love for shaaba but it frustrated me when she started talking about certain tasks just NEEDING to be done even when they're hard, of course thats always the goal but sometimes with disabilities you have to pick your battles, if showering will cause a panic attack or a meltdown or a pain flare up or whatever else is stppping someone from doing that its better to be stinky for another day. The trying to fix it can come from a loving place but its still frustrating and condescending when youre struggling
@@kianahloucha6133 This this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this!! So much this !! You put it into words so so so well.
I'm at 3:19 and the tone the writer uses makes me angry; I'm on the spectrum and I can tell you I don't anticipate this person is 'refusing' to shower but more likely they CAN'T shower for whatever reason (Motivation, over-stimulation, etc)
As someone who has grown up with a narcissistic mother, I recognised immediately with the car story. OP seems to have gaslit themselves into thinking there's nothing wrong with the family when it is a very toxic situation to be in. OP is nta & I'm glad they're taking advantage of the disowning. Hugs & healing to them
Yeah, some of the wording when talking about the mother raised huge red flags for me. The "I'm usually really careful" as a reason for not fighting with her a lot- yikes. Hope they take this opportunity to move on with their life and let those invisible wounds start to heal.
Even if OP made bad financial decisions the reaction sounds extreme.
About the first story of the woman who hates taking showers. Shaaba was talking about not brushing your teeth. That is something I really struggle with. This year I found out that other people don’t feel pain from the toothpaste. Especially toothpaste with peppermint really hurts in my mouth. A bit like spicy food, but cold rather than hot. Some days I can’t bring myself to brush, but if I have to talk to people in real life, I can mostly force myself to do it. I guess she has similar issues with showers. And nothing that makes it worth for her to endure the torture. Her own health might not be enough of an incentive.
Have you tried strawberry?
I only like using fruit-flavored kids toothpaste, maybe that could help?
Hey I know it's been a month but if you didn't know there's like 2 or 3 brands that make different flavored toothpastes for adults (ie with fluoride). I forget the name but one of them has a banana flavor, most of them have bubblegum and fruit flavors. You may be having a mild allergic reaction or just experiencing irritation because of the mint in regular toothpaste. If you experience the same feeling with non mint toothpastes then you may be having that reaction to another ingredient like the sls which some brands also leave out. There are options out there for sure :)
I also hate showering. It takes too long, and I'm currently going through a long depressive episode that combined with the AuDHD is making it really hard. I have long hair that makes it harder. What I've done to help myself is to do just a body shower every few days, and a hair and body shower when I have the energy. Its not a full solution, definitely something I'm still struggling with, but telling myself its okay to only do half of the task allows me to at least do that half. Splitting tasks into parts can be really helpful!
Ooh, I do the opposite, I do just hair showers some days and a full shower others. For me, it’s less of a sensory issues and more of a adhd motivation thing
Wasn't going to make a main comment but so many of you with neurodiversity &/or depression have chimed in about hygiene struggles & made me feel so seen!!! I'm autistic & prone to depression & self-neglect & it's been hard enough to get my teeth brushed every night. Showering is a whole other level. Fortunately I have a flannel & soap I can use in case I'm too whiffy & not up for a full-blown shower/ full change of clothes/ laundry session. I also have a jug in the bathroom which helps me keep clean down there
Car story: the reason I don't think it's BS is when the mum freaked out and said "you can't sell her!" Yeah sorry that's an unhealthy attachment to a physical object you gave to your child. OP sounds immature, but mum sucks too. They all suck.
Audhd and trans person here. I have three things to contend with:
Forgetting
Sensory issues
Gender dysphoria.
I have to fight myself sometimes to have a shower, especially with the gender dysphoria.
I completely understand the problem with the sensory issue thing. But as someone else pointed out, it feels like the gf doesn't want solutions to the problem, especially if she's taken it as him belittling her.
From what we heard of OP's post I'm not sure whether he offered any solutions? Just told her she needs to suck it up and shower anyway because it's unhealthy not to. He didn't make any mention of alternative ways to wash like baths or wet cloths.
It didn't sound like he even made an effort to find out what specifically about the shower was the issue, beyond "sensory". Is her trigger a physical thing? Auditory (sound)? The higher humidity making it hard to breathe? The needing to undress completely (even in total privacy with a locked door and covered/frosted/no windows that can be a trigger for some folks)? Or something else, or a combination of things?
Those all have possible solutions, but he'll never be able to work with her to find them if he can't get past the idea that the only way to get clean is to SHOWER.
ngl the shower thing hit kinda close to home. i have AuDHD and a lot of mental health issues so showering is really hard for me, and on top of that i’m really sensitive, especially to perceived criticism from loved ones. i’m trying to work on both of those things, but it’s a daily struggle. for me, the showering struggle is multidimensional: sometimes i just forget to do it, or forget how long it’s been since i showered, shower can also feel like this really big task so it’s hard to get the motivation to do it, but when i take my Vyvanse i have almost too much motivation because now i’m motivated to do the more important/consequential stuff (ex. an essay for school i’ve been procrastinating or cleaning out my closet cuz there’s no room in it) or exciting/fun stuff (because i’m actually getting all this energy and motivation to do the creative things i love, like build elaborate lego scenes or make a mosaic tray). one way i try to put off my showering is by saying it’s a bad time cuz xyz (ex. i’m about to paint or clean the floor or something so i’m going to get dirty/messy after anyway so i shouldn’t shower before and i’ll shower after, but then i don’t cuz i’m too tired). sometimes i’m just not up for showering cuz i feel so shitty about myself (i have severe depression and other issues). im also trans, have bad body image issues, and i’m recovering from an ED, so showers can trigger some dysphoria for me, along with just seeing my body can make me spiral (with the body image issues and ED), especially if i’m already feeling low. on top of that, i have a lot of s*xual trauma and ptsd from it, and showers and seeing my body can sometimes trigger that, again, especially if i’m already feeling low. showers are also tough for me for sensory reasons (like in the post) because i hate feeling damp or wet, and i hate the feeling of drying myself off and other stuff like that (idk how to explain it all tbh).
as for advice, i think OP should talk to his gf completely non judgementally about what might help and if she can identify what she struggles with in particular. sometimes i just feel like showering isn’t a top priority of mine, but when i’m about to see a friend, especially a partner, that usually pushes it into top priority territory (that almost rhymes lol). also if there’s a way he can make it easier/more fun for her? someone in another comment mentioned having a bath instead and using bath toys? showering together might also encourage her because it might be easier if she doesn’t have to do it alone and has someone encouraging her (that’s helped me in the past), even if he’s just in the room or outside the door talking to her (sometimes i get really bored in the shower and then i get intrusive/depressing thoughts, which has stopped me from showering in the past).
also, the thing Shaaba says about finding a balance or alternatives is so true!!! the damp cloth/wet wipes thing is really smart. when i was really really depressed, i found it hard to shower and change my clothes, but whenever i didn’t i felt SO awful about myself (like i can’t even shower/change my clothes, i’m a failure cuz i can’t do simple human tasks, etc.), so i lowered the expectation and just made myself change my underwear and put in deodorant, then worked up from there. i did the same with brushing my teeth (which i also found really difficult), so i put mouthwash in my bedroom so i wouldn’t even have to leave my room. and i just kept telling myself anything is better than nothing at all. even just brushing my teeth for 10 seconds is better than not at all, and once i’ve gotten to that ten seconds, it doesn’t seem as hard to get to 20. it’s taking those baby steps and knowing that each baby step is better than none at all.
I have degenerative arthritis in my spine that sometimes compresses the nerves coming out and causes intense pain. It's often difficult to stand or even sit up straight for very long. I also frequently get faint and lightheaded getting out of the shower. I have a shower chair, but showering is a *CHORE*. I manage it once a week -- some weeks less, some weeks more.
I've found "portable bidets" or peri bottles to help a lot. I keep one full of plain water in each bathroom near the toilet and use them regularly, refilling when I wash my hands. If I need, I've got a shower assist washing tool for reaching places I can't otherwise since bending down causes pain and dizziness. I can get that soapy, sit on the potty, wash down below, and rinse with the peri bottle.
Which is to say, there are ways to keep clean that don't involve getting in the shower every day. Berating someone and telling them what they "should" do isn't helpful, and tends to trigger resistance. It's not like we don't know we need to lose weight or get more exercise or watch our salt intake or tackle the pile of dishes in the sink, etc, etc, so telling us that just increases our stress and makes it worse, not better. Sometimes the other person is just venting and all you need to do is listen. If you think they might want help, ask if they want you to offer solutions or just want to vent.
In the op's case, it sounded like she just wanted to vent, and got a lecture instead.
cheating roommate story, my immediate response would be to wake him up especially with the foresight that they go on to get married, I would have to at least leave a note because I think (potentially) part of the reason they got to the point of being married would have to have been that he either never found out (more likely in heavy denial given the details) or didn't have enough proof to persuade himself it was true or to investigate it further (such as a note from a random 3rd party with accusations of cheating)
Edit: NTA for not though, not their responsibility and not their problem
As Shaaba mentioned, I have ADHD and executive dysfunction issues which make showing kind of a whole ordeal, and I occasionally have to fight my own brain in order to get it done. Which is why I don’t shower every day.
On particularly bad weeks, I have occasionally gone 7 days without showering, and it’s not fun. It makes me feel like garbage, and each passing day I’m more and more aware of how gross I feel, until it reaches a breaking point and my brain finally prioritizes showering and allows me to get it done.
I don’t know the girlfriend’s perspective on things, in the first story, but I do empathize with her mental health not allowing her to shower, for whatever reason. The boyfriend was a bit of an AH for calling her gross and projecting his military standards of hygiene onto her.
That said, it was definitely an AH move on her part to not communicate her struggles with her boyfriend, and to instead go on social media and publicly post about him and how she hates all men. That’s very immature and not the way to go about being understood by your partner.
From my understanding, she did communicate her struggles with him by telling him that it's a sensory thing caused by her being autistic, and he continued to not understand it.
@@annasofie9830 True, he was having trouble understanding after her initial explanation, which is unfortunate, but sometimes people need things explained in different ways in order to fully comprehend what’s happening.
I know it took my mom a few different conversations to fully understand what I go through, and why I seem to struggle with seemingly easy tasks, even after my official ADHD diagnosis.
What I was referring to was that the boyfriend said that he specifically asked the girlfriend what he could do to support her, and she refused to answer him, and instead went online to post about him. That’s what I meant about poor communication.
Even if she didn’t feel like he could do anything to help in that moment, she could have said that, and could have also communicated that him trying to force her to shower was likely only making things worse, mentally. 🤷🏻
@@annasofie9830 she just told him, "No, it's my sensory issues, so I'm just not gonna do it."
He said that was unhygienic and that he wanted to help her find a way around that / another option. He didn't seem very judgemental at all, but maybe it's just my end of the spectrum, I'm just not that sensitive.
neurodivergent trans guy here just to chip in from my own personal experience, as everyone experiences and deals with their neurodivergence differently. i feel like i'm on quite the opposite scale to op's girlfriend in the first post. sensory-wise i do not feel fully comfortable with not having a daily shower, even though it's kind of difficult to motivation wise sometimes (which results in me sometimes procrastinating a bunch and not doing it until 11pm-1am). i really, really don't like having wet hair touching my skin and i have very bad chest dysphoria to the point where showering is the only time where i can bring myself to not wear a sports bra/compression shirt/binder at any given time (i just loosen it when i'm sleeping) but i also hate the sensation of feeling sticky and sweaty, and specifically have a thing about needing to keep "home clothes" separate from "outside clothes" and i need to shower if i've left the house bc i can't change into "home clothes" without myself being clean and non-sticky essentially.
that being said, i know that as i've been raised growing up in a household with two immunosuppressed relatives, a lot of hygiene habits have been inherently ingrained into me for the sake of their heightened risk, so i've always been very hyperaware of hygiene and sometimes overwash my hands. i also must carry some form of wet wipes or hand gel around.
as an additional note re: showering specifically, i feel like climate and location also plays a huge part as well - i sometimes had to shower 2+ times a day when abroad in humid and hot countries during the summer seasons in order to feel comfortable. back home, once a day is standard.
I feel the same! Feeling like I'm not clean can trigger a panic attack on a bad day. I have to shower daily. I can maybe go a day without in the winter, but sometimes I have to shower twice in the summer.
About the car: The way I understood it, the finances background can be mentioned to explain that for OP to afford the new car they need to sell the other. is very possible that you can afford a new car under that circumstances (especially if you give a decent amount of money upfront the monthly payments would be less) but not to pay from scratch. And that is brought up to justify selling the gifted one, especially since she says having both is not possible, if that is a possibility that would keep her family happy that tells me that the financial situation is not the motivation for the fight.
For the car one. if it TRUELY was a gift then the mom is the drama. We have an OLD car thats been in the family and passed around between 3 of us! it was my Brother in laws car he bought it used. then it went to my uncle for a few years. then in turn he upgraded and gifted it to us. now we are in better financial place and are looking to upgrade! no ones MAD at us for wanting to trade the car in! in fact once the money were waiting on comes in my BIL and sister are taking us to the dealership where they got their own new used car! they are HAPPY we can now afford something newer and a bit safer! not MAD because it was a GIFT! sure we ALL have an attachment to the old one! and it has been a REALLY good car and will DEF be remembered fondly! but mad?! thats just DRAMA!
Autism here, shower can be a sensory issue for me when im overwhelmed and feeling shit.
It is usually a sign for me that my mental health is taking a dip and i need help to get out of the spiral by body doubling someone.
This is often why i shower with my boyfriend, it helps me that we shower together.
I too have gone 7 days without a shower, i am usually also not eating, not taking care of myself and my days are basically just me starring at a screen doing nothing until i go to bed..
If you have a NT person in your life and they struggle with basic tasks like this, dont judge them, help them make a plan for how to get out of it and give them time to change it.
My cat's name is Aubergine!
It's ok, she's not offended 😂❤
I have sensor issues & the first one is very reliable. My issue is more of when I'm done with shower & I have to make sure that am completely dry before I put any clothes on or it will be an absolute sensory nightmare for me. That being said, there are other ways around taking showers while still being clean, such as using wipes, a washcloth, dry shampoo, & then making sure your clothing is changed & cleaned on a regular bases
Don't think OP was the drama for selling a 10+ yo vehicle to get a newer one. It's possible that as an older car it was getting expensive with repairs to keep it running. Perhaps OP thought getting a new car would be cheaper in the long term.
Speaking to the red flag/green flag: I don’t like it when people call me “baby,” “honey,” “dear,” “sugar,” “sweetie” without knowing me. Those are so annoying. You don’t know me well enough to use a diminutive so please don’t. Also don’t ask me to call you “mom,” “mama,” “nana” (unless it’s your legal name), “dad” (or any derivative there of), “papa,” “grandpa” or anything of that sort. Aunty or Uncle is dependent on the context. I usually go with “Mr. John” or “Ms. Jane” i.e. the salutation+their first name if they are older than me or my age.
It's hypocritical of the mom to upgrade her car and get mad when OP wants to do the same thing. Also, it's been 10 years. OP could be throwing money away on tons of repairs for this old car when it could be financially beneficial to just get a new car that doesn't need as many repairs.
But that last commenter makes a very good point!
I’ll just add about the shower thing: I never used to shower more than once every other day, sometimes 3 days in the winter, because I have dry, sensitive skin and overbathed in middle school to the point of it being flakey and my doctor advised me to lay off a bit (not in those exact words). 😂
However, when I started dating my now-ex, he was kind of appalled by that; he’s Korean-Canadian, so some of it was cultural because in general, it’s culturally expected for Koreans and other Asians to bathe at least once a day (I remember Thais doing a couple times a day when I went there, especially during the sticky monsoon season). He called me his “stinky girl” in a joke-that-wasn’t-really-a-joke a couple of times, despite my explanation about having eczema and what my doctor had told me. It really stung. (Oh: for context: I’m white, and of German heritage, but I’m one of those folks who actually usually doesn’t even need deodorant, except sometimes in ONE armpit, and usually only after it’s been a few days 😂)
Eventually I had to tell him he had to make up his mind because this was not something I could really change about myself (I have since also realized I have AuDHD), and it really scared me when he needed to leave and go for a walk for over an hour to consider whether it was a dealbreaker for him (we were living together at the time), but he did come back resolved to make peace with it (though he still did tease me once or twice in a way that hurt after that).
All that said, he also pointed out I could even just jump in the shower to do a quick, cold rinse-off on a hot day when I’d been sweating if I didn’t want to shower, and that really did help and was not something I’d ever considered doing before (showers were just for SHOWERING, you know? But using them to just do quick rinse-offs when needed since then has been revolutionary 😂).
And I also became more regularly physically active, exercising almost every day, and so started needing to shower every day - and realized I really just needed to moisturize in that case (and now, even though I don’t shower every day at this point anymore, I can’t go back to not moisturizing - there’s such a drastic difference in how dry and tight and ITCHY my skin gets without it).
But yeah, it REALLY hurt to have my partner think I was gross for not showering every day when I have a legit skin condition reason for not doing so. So I understand the gf getting upset about it - but blasting like that on social media? And changing details to make yourself more of a victim? Not okay, girl - it’s enough to just tell your bf that his calling you gross hurts - you don’t need all the rest.
I really really really enjoyed this episode!!! 💜 Thank you for talking about the daily tasks that neurospicy brains struggle to keep on top of. I too can go days without showering or brushing my hair. I hate repetitive tasks that bend my body a certain way (like brushing my hair according to my parting, or wash myself with the same movement day after day). I also forget to drink enough during the day until a familiar dehydration headache waves in my face. It doesn't help that I hate water. My drink needs to have a flavour.
I cried and smiled while listening to this episode. Such mixed emotions of healing and mourning misunderstood past self. Thank you for talking about this and btw this is the dungaree-wearing person from your book signing at Common Press😊. Has Jamie got dungarees yet? 😉
I'm autistic, disabled, and have low energy and a wheelchair. Showering is not always very accessible, both for accessibility reasons but also "what do i need to clean up? & having to take care of getting out and all as well. That can feel kinda overwhelming as well, same as that my living situation isnt great atm. as a result i'm not able to shower as often as id want and need help washing my hair bc of the energy it takes.
if my girlfriend was struggling with showering i'd try to understand the exact reasoning and would try to think about how i could best support her. f.e. if she was struggling to wash her hair, would i be able to wash it for her? or, if she was losing track of time easily, maybe i could check in with her and let her know what time it is, if a clock/alarm isnt an option. next question would be if there are any physical inaccessibilities that could be helped with (i have issues standing, hence a seat can help), or if i can just be emotional support or help think of other ways that could make it more enjoyable (not me personally, but some people are into candles f.e., or maybe putting on nice music could be an idea).
just telling someone to do the thing they are struggling with is rather rude, i do appreciate the partner asking for help though and trying. i just think there could/should be more direct communication between the autistic gf and the militairy partner how they can actively work together to make it easier on them both.
Shaaba: Hey, have you had water today?
My water, sitting juuuust outside my peripheral vision but within reach: Yeah, have you had water today?
it is now in front of me, thanks Shaaba 😅
Ngl, I legit drained a 24-oz cup of water I had beside me from when they mentioned that to the end of the video. I guess I was more thirsty than I realized haha
Also, someone being kind and gelping to motivate you in a gentle way to help you into the shower and while you shower they get out clean underwear, clothes/pjs and maybe get some food started so that when you come out, you simply slip on those laid out clean clothes/pjs and then head out and find theres also your fave snack/dinner or whatever, ready to eat and a blanket to snuggle with on the couch.
This is sometimes what helps me when my bipolar depression hits. I physically need someone to come into my bedroom and help me out of bed and get undressed and into the shower. I live alone so yeah, not great, but when ive had someone help, it's been like a life line. And i don't *have* to stay up. They just make sure i eat something and drink something and then i can go back to my bed in my dark room, etc.
Not asking for too much, gloing slowly and being kind aling the way is a really good way to support someone when theyre struggling.
If they're not in a depression, they just forget (this also happens to me with neurodivergent brain) or need a motovation to do so, *kind* reminders and help to manage this task are always appreciated. You *may* not end up doing it but you might do it the next day with the same positive reinforcements and gentle/kind reminders. It really can help woth managing this task that can be overwhelming to so many of us.
Also, again as I've said, have the water only fragrance free wet wipes on hand if that's all you can manage.
*Never* tell someone they're "gross" or be unkind in any way (no matrer how you feel or your personal opinion) as it's not helpful *at all* to the recipient. It just makes them feel worse and retreat more.
On the last one, i would def find it hard to tell the bf, i just had the thought of throwing something at the sleeping bf to get him awake, like a pillow or something like that
I thought of "accidentally" tripping over him in the dark when I got up to use the restroom or get a drink (since he was bedded down on the floor), and hoping that would wake him up... but I agree it'd be a tough call for me too. Especially knowing I'd be stuck with that roommate and the consequences for several more months.
with the showering one, im autistic and i know i probably dont shower as much as i should and its extremely embarrassing to me when people mention it but its also a sensory nightmare.
My 4 year old daughter is autistic, we’ve never had an issue with showering but brushing teeth and doing her hair is always a nightmare. Her hair is now super short and that helps but brushing her teeth is still a massive to do every day
If you hate brushing your teeth: try swiching out your toothpaste. I hate the texture of paste and I find most mint flavors to be overwhelming - especially spearmint 🤢 - so I exclusively use green gel instead. Also, try different toothbrushes. I have two - an electic brush and a manual one - because sometimes the vibration is too overwhelming.
Fun fact - toothpaste is not necessary. The most important part of brushing is the mechanical stimulation to remove food residue. Brushing for less time is better than not brushing at all.
Yes I have Autism & hated brushing my teeth, I switched to a foam toothpaste because I realised that I literally cannot deal with gel hand soap, bodywash & similar (which I’ve known this about myself for YEARS) yet it didn’t occur to me that I’d have that exact same issue with my GEL toothpaste. I buy the fun kids toothpaste’s because they come in foam preparations, different flavours instead of just mint & don’t have teeth whiting properties to them/are more gentle - which my dentist advised because I tend to not be able to easily regulate the pressure I use to brush my teeth & I was damaging my enamel & causing my gums to bleed with the combination of pressure plus abrasive harsh toothpastes I was using 😬
And yes I too have different toothbrushes (I tried a lot of different ones, plastic I hate & wooden ones are the devils spawn but I have a bamboo plastic one I love - which totally makes sense because all my sensory friendly plates, cutlery & cups are bamboo plastic too.) And on days I’m really not feeling it, brushing with water or I’ve got a breath spray product that cuts plaque that I’ll use a tiny bit of instead.
Going to disagree here, a gift is a gift and the giver should not gift something with the expectation it be kept or even used. IF this car was truly a gift then the mum had no right to demand it back. However in my house my Dad made sure to have a vehicle for each of us kids that we could drive in high school as long as we paid for gas. They were never OURS though until we graduated and Dad officially gifted us the vehicle as our graduation present. At that point we could choose to keep it or sell it and buy something we actually liked (each of us went different routes with our assigned cars). Many friends had similar arrangements with their parents, or even outright gift of cars when they started driving. (We drive A LOT around here.) Never heard once of someone selling their car and parents demanding it back. Agree that something in this story doesn’t line up, but if it was actually a gift, and license/registration turned over to OP then IMO it was theirs to do whatever with from then on.
I agree, a gift is a gift and once you give it you get no say in what’s done with it. BUT reading between the lines, it seems like maybe it wasn’t actually a gift, they were just given it to use as their car for as long as they needed it. Obvs might not be the case but it’s the feeling I’m getting.
@@leggyegg2890 One problem with this theory. If the paperwork wasn't in OP's name, it would've been either completely impossible or worth next to nothing to sell without the paperwork. So, mother must have signed the papers that made the car legally belong to OP. How is that not a gift? And at least in the US, you pay taxes on cars that are registered in your name. So there would be financial reason to NOT transfer that paperwork over to OP's name if the car wasn't intended to be a gift but a loan.
@@animeartist888 That’s a really good point! There are some circumstances where this would be necessary though (e.g. I’m a pensioner in Australia and to get my registration at a discounted rate the car had to be in my name).
I imagine there are a lot of other circumstances where it would be needed, maybe even for stuff like student parking, but I really don’t know their specific situation and I’m just guessing.
You’re definitely right that it makes it less likely it was a ‘just for now’ kind of arrangement.
For the last story I would have had a nightmare and woken up yelling out (something that actually happens to me occasionally, so it wouldn’t have been sus), waking/disturbing the entire room. Then boyfriend knows the truth, but I’m not to blame for spilling the beans.
I would like to add to anybody saying to use wet wipes or etc, they are expensive. And washcloth bathing means more laundry. There is *always* a pay off. Speaking as someone living with *no* support it is so hard to find a balance that means I don’t burn out or meltdown and can also stay clean.
I’d also like to show my appreciation for this community bc there’s no way I would’ve felt able to comment this elsewhere ❤
I've seen many people talk about this but thought I would put in my pov:
I have Autism, SPD (Sensory processing disorder) and POTS among other things. Hygiene is a HUGE issue for me. With my POTS I cannot have showers as it's dangerous for me (I often pass out) and baths are more effort. Not only do they take more time, but use up more water. This, along with the temperature, sensory imput, and overall textures needed to bathe makes me struggle with bathing when I need to. Another thing is, yes, I am aware that my hair is greasy. When people point things like that out, I get really upset. So, the mixture of the sensory issues and shame of being called out like that in my opinion, makes OP's words very harsh, and makes GF's lashing out make sense.
I agree with Shaaba about story #1, that OP and girlfriend should look into other ways she might clean herself besides showering. Maybe a scrub-down with cloths, maybe running a bath (if she has a tub) if keeping the tub clean enough and sitting in that much water wouldn't be an issue for her... Or if neither of those will work suggest she speak to her therapist, dermatologist, or some other professional to get more ideas.
I think a big part of who does/doesn't suck here hinges on how he addressed the issue with her. It should be something more like "let's look into finding an alternative way you can wash that doesn't hit your sensory triggers like showering does." NOT "You need to shower regularly, you're nasty for going this long between torture sessions (oh, I mean showers)."
29:54 it's very possible that there is something more going on that she is completely unaware of, she could not be purposely lying she may just not know
As somebody with Major Depressive Disorder and probably ADHD, I can easily imagine not bringing yourself to shower for a week. Hygiene in general is a bit of a struggle. If when I was this low somebody kept nagging me and saying it's gross, I wouldn't appreciate it. I already feel bad about myself, and know how bad it is. What I needed was proper meds
Last Story: As someone who was an instigator in an affair my freshman year of college, I highly wonder if drugs were involved in some of the decision making. For me, that’s what drove a lot of my horrible decisions at that time in my life, which does not excuse the behavior but could be a variable in the situation. Any substance use in a situation can make moral intervention risky: one outcome could’ve caused retaliation against OP and another outcome could’ve ruined roommate’s life in a domino effect. College is a time in people’s lives where people learn big life lessons and consequences and the fallout can have lasting effects on a person’s life.
I think the last one needs to introduce a new episode of horror roomate stories- coming from someone in the US who has heard A LOT😅
I have ADHD as well as multiple chronic physical health conditions and some days showering is sooo hard thanks Jamie and Shaaba for being so validating
3:40 can confirm, I had a friend who was in the military and talked about how he was trained to take "military showers" as he called them. Super fast, even more efficient
I would trust the two of you to solve the entire world’s issues. You are so good at talking through problems I would vote you for shared Prime Minister, or even ruler of the free world. I wish you guys could do episodes multiple times a week.
autistic bean here. i struggled with showers for most of my life where i would shower only around once a week. the whole thing overwhelmed me and i would procrastinate/struggle with executive dysfunction i also struggled with dysphoria surrounding it. i now shower once a day and have built it into my routine and its really helped me but i am now super strict with it but it was never the case of just not wanting to or choosing not to. i didnt have the ability to shower and keep up personal hygiene. its not a case of your gross go fix that, it requires support and understanding to find solutions and the solution will be different for everyone.
Shaaba and Jamie you have some of the most compassionate (and intelligent) responses to the Drama! I love listening to you
this is super sweet, thanks for supporting the podcast! have a great week x
Autistic here with sensory issues related to showers. The answer for most of my life was baths followed by a shower to rinse off.
If I don’t have access to a bath it really helps to sit in the shower or stand in a way where it only hits part of my body at a time. Also heating the room so there isn’t a huge temperature difference between the air and the shower and keeping a towel very close so I can dry off before even leaving the shower stall. Music or a podcast is also great as a distraction and a waterproof shower clock is an absolute must so I don’t lose track of time.
I have autism and depression and showering is really hard for me. I never want to do it, it feels exhausting and I have HUGE sensory issues with getting wet. But I know that I need to do it. Ever since I started working at 18, I know that hygiene is very important and necessary to not just healthy living, but feeling better. It's annoying how much showering really does improve a depressed state lmao. I completely understand where the girlfriend is coming from on this issue, but she is not being realistic by saying that showering is a sensory issue for her and refusing to do it. Like Shaaba and Jamie said, there are many alternative methods of bathing that she could do instead, but she needs to actually do them instead of just not bathing at all. She is hurting herself in a way by refusing to be clean. I feel for her and I hope she finds a way to bathe that will work for her, but I think her boyfriend was right to encourage her to bathe (not calling her gross though, that's not okay at all). Sometimes what I need is someone to remind me that I need to do it. So while the girlfriend does have real problems that shouldn't be ignored, she is creating another problem by refusing to address the original one.
This is currently a huge issue for me. Due to housing issues I'm no longer allowed to play loud music (already a massive issue but I've managed to work around it so far. I'm 1 week into the new rules) and I haven't showered without loud music since I was about 12 years old. Now I already avoid showering where possible for a number of reasons (probably all sensory if I really boil it down) but I always try to shower before going out for something important like an appointment or a day out. But if I'm not going anywhere I don't bother. I had court today (linked to said housing issues) so I had to brave my first silent shower. The plan was to shave my head as well as showering which makes things even worse sensory wise but I got in the shower and forgot to cut my hair and I instantly couldn't handle being in the shower and didn't wash my body or anything. I did feel a bit better just for having had the water on me but I didn't use soap or anything (rendering the whole thing pointless because I'm no cleaner than before) and ended up getting an Uber to and from my appointment instead of using public transport and going for food afterwards which was my plan for the day.
@@n0b0dy-- I'm so sorry this is happening to you, this is so rough :( I really hope your situation will improve soon
"it's annoying how much showering improves mental health"😂 I suspect I might have some executive functioning issues and avoid showering some days but when I finally do I enjoy it so much I always think to myself (and sometimes say it out loud too) "WHY don't I do this more often?"😂 It's just a whole ordeal with so many steps I don't wanna do it most of the time. But once I'm in, it's very relaxing🤌🏻
@@LouiseHultcrantz so true!!
@LouiseHultcrantz unfortunately for me it usually makes things worse. I'm not good at temperature, warm makes me stressed (and being stressed makes me warm so it's a vicious cycle) and I can't tell the difference between cold and anxious. So by the time I've been out for the day I feel as if I didn't even shower in the first place because I overheat so easily. And it adds so much to my mornings that most days it's really not worth the hassle. But I still try to do it before I go out about once a week just so I don't smell 😂😭
AuDHD here, on the first one there's likely a bunch of things happening. As others have said, sensory nightmare. Many of us also really struggle with transitions (dry-wet-dry, temperature changes, but also just getting started, or finishing) . Autistic inertia may be one of the best named descriptions ever. Like in physics, an object at rest stays at rest. An object in motion stays in motion. It's hard for us to change tacks (hard to get started on a new thing, or stop once we've started). So getting out of bed is hard, partly because that's a huge transition. There may be depression in there as well if it's hard to get up.
Many of us have rejecting sensitivity so criticizing (or perceived criticism) can def make things worse. It sounds like she's going into a shutdown when OP brings it up. Like a meltdown, but inwards - it's still about your nervous system getting overwhelmed.
She might also have demand avoidance, so as soon as he tells her to shower (or even when she tells herself to shower) she immediately has resistance to doing it. Someone posted about using loud music to help with showering. I use audiobooks. Whether to calm your nervous system, as a distraction or as a stim, having little tricks like that can be really helpful.
I don't think her posting about it online is okay (or helpful). Not a great way to work out problems. A lot of us (especially those of us with ADHD) also have emotional regulation issues alongside impulsivity which is a rough combo. (Not an excuse for her behavior, but it's hard to change if you don't recognize what's going on.)
I think the best thing OP can do is to tell her that he loves her the way she is, and recognize that it's really challenging. Ask questions and try to listen and understand. Like when she stops talking, is she just upset or is she going into shutdown? What is a better way to bring hard subjects up so she doesn't feel belittled and can still talk about it? They'll need to figure that out in general if they stay together.
And then maybe suggest trying to get some support so it's not so hard all the time. She might be able to get an autism coach (ideally someone who is also autistic) or occupational therapy if they understand ASD (just make sure to vet the person. Stay away from ABA, imo). Getting support around mental health, boundaries, & healthy communicating might be helpful too re the posting online rather than talking to OP. It's stuff that probably affects more of her relationships than just with the two of them (work, school, friends). It sucks that it's so hard to get support as an adult on the spectrum. I live in the US and most insurance doesn't cover anything ASD related after you're 18yo. I think the alt suggestions about non-shower hygiene are really good too. OP will need to be on board with those methods though which sounds like it might be hard for him. I really feel for this couple. It's a tough situation.
The car one kind of screams red flags from the partner. Especially with that one reply when they mention how the boyfriend doesn't like the mom and thinks she's controlling paired with the constant acceptance of their ideas just gives me isolation vibes. I could be reading to far in but especially after the mom mentioned the bfs behavior makes me worry..
About the first one, I think it can be really frustrating to explain why you struggle/cant do something and to be constantly reminded how you're failing. My brother has autism and struggles to shower more than 2x a week, i just say "hey dude you should shower because its been 4 days" and leave it because at the end of the day he knows how hygiene works, he doesn't need someone constantly on him about it. however the online airing of personal drama is also unnecessary
Seeing years later on social media that certain couples are still together is so relatable. I can thinking of a few couples where I really really want to know if the now-wives ever found out what their partners got up to without the other on campus 10 years ago...
For the showering thing, the military only needs to shower daily because of the close quarters. Humans do not need to shower daily. Maybe certain lifestyles or jobs but most don't.
Your hair, especially if it's curly or textured, actually does much better being only washed once a week and less showering (unless you have a condition that needs more if certain lifestyles) is healthier for your skin. Showering extra is also really bad for the environment because of the fresh water crisis, it's so much water demand.
It's definitely been handled badly for the two. He'll need to ease up on it a bit unless she's actually needing showers, they can probably find a compromise. She should listen to his boundaries on how she treats their relationship online and stop, especially if making stuff up. These two should do couples therapy. Definitely an esh
Showering everyday is also a little wild for me because I literally grew up in a culture & country during a severe 10 year drought in a small farming community & kids and families were encouraged to limit the number of showers to 1/wk, to use the water & recycle it for other tasks, have short 4 minute or less showers, wash your hair as little as possible (instead use other ways to maintain it like frequent brushing, baby powder etc) & when we did wash hair, we kids had a basin of water where your hair got wet, then rung out, the next person wet their hair while you rubbed shampoo into yours & then everyone used the basin to rinse out the shampoo.
People were literally given articles in the newspaper, awards & government grants/money if you saved enough water. It’s so wild, coming from that culture to hearing about people who wash their hair daily. I understand why people might/want to - it’s just so different to how I grew up & I think for OP coming from a ‘military background’ he’s stuck on the ‘everything should be done a certain way, the RIGHT way’ type of rules that are drilled into you there and not being very understanding that others in his life, likely have different lives to his.
4:50 I’m ND and when I’m overwhelmed I often get overstimulated and that causes me to have more sensory issues as I become even more sensitive to sensory input. It even makes it hard to shower, and I tend to spot clean with a slightly soapy wet rag and rinse with water and baby wipe the rest of my body if I just can’t bring myself to shower for too many days in a row. As a germaphobe with serious micromanagement issues when it comes to keeping sanitary conditions in my room and as someone who’s also been in the military, which only made those things worse, I have to say that if I could help the shower thing, i absolutely would. But I can’t, I simply can’t help that it becomes painful for me to shower if my mental health flexes the wrong way for too long, and I do the very best I can to make up for it in the best way that I know how. The war that goes on between these two goes on in my very own head all the time, and yet I manage to live with myself. I balance my self esteem, I learn to be patient with myself. It’s not always easy, and it’s something I’ve had to work on over time, however I know beating myself up over something I can’t help doesn’t change anything and only makes me feel worse which isn’t productive or healthy for my relationship with myself, just like this wasn’t a very productive and healthy way to handle things between these two. It’s important to speak up and be honest about your thoughts and feelings in a relationship, but it’s also important to do so in a healthy and respectful way and to try to see the other persons perspective instead of just your own; there was never a need to for the bf to be judgmental of the gf and the gf shouldn’t have flipped the script and used the H word.
33:56 i asked my mum what she would do if i sold a gifted car to buy a new one instead of improving my finances and she said that she would also be disappointed in me, which i agree with
AuDHD here and I relate to the shower one so much - in fact I'm sitting in the living room rn waiting for the heater to warm up the bathroom because one of the biggest sensory issues aside from the water is temperature. The water either feels scalding hot or ice cold, the bathroom is freezing when I get out to the point that it hurts a lot (I also have fibromyalgia which adds a whole new later to the struggles) and then I'm so exhausted afterwards that I have to rest and do nothing for at least a day. I think if my partners response was to call me gross instead of asking if I'm okay, what they can do to support me etc (I know op offered support but only after calling his gf names) I'd probably shut down.
Yeah! A new Shaaba & Jamie video!!!🎉❤. There was an episode on the series parenthood when a neuro- divergent character went through an anti-showering phase. The parents and the teenager handled it very well! Communication is key, especially since one partner has known issues.
For the first one, OP is the drama but not intentionally. I try to shower at least twice a week, no matter how hard my brain is struggling. Same with swimming. Its weird cuz if i don't shower or swim, i get more depressed because being severely depressed is the thing that keeps me from showering or swimming as much as I'd want to. Its one of those things where small efforts count: washing hands often, using mouthwash if you struggle to brush your teeth, dry shampoo, and what i call the bird bath (just wash up the important bits in the sink). I think OP should have tried to help his girlfriend find smaller solutions to have better hygiene habits that are manageable for her, and also trying to get her mental health in order so she can be better off!
As someone with ADHD who's had showering issues his whole life, I can confirm sensory issues are definitely a part of it. For me personally I just generally struggle to take care of myself. This counts for showers but also brushing my hair or teeth or using deodorant for example. Most of the time I just forget, because I don't really have that feeling of being dirty and needing a shower a lot. Also I have a lot of very specific steps I have to take before getting in the shower, making the amount of motivation I need very high and seeing as nothing about my self perception changes after a shower it just doesn't feel like it pays off. And adding onto that are the sensory issues that for me personally occur after showering since wearing dry clothes on wet skin feels rly icky but I also can never get myself dry enough, because I'm very impatient about it. That's why I went 3 months without showering during Covid.
Luckily I have friends who understand and absolutely don't mind and I do my best to shower once every one/two weeks, it's just rly hard sometimes.
I’m Autistic and showers are definitely a sensory nightmare for me. It’s the fact that for me, my whole body needs to be in the water (bath, pool etc.) or not get a single drop of water on me at all. Showers are like the worst of both of those options. The water temperature is never the same, even if I leave the dial in exactly the same spot, the next time I shower I still have to mess around trying and failing to find a temperature that works for me, so you end up being too hot or too cold. A lot of the time I find it difficult to remember personal hygiene tasks without an outside stressor/motivator (like going out, someone coming over etc.) Plus your hair gets wet or partially wet so you feel it on your neck wet & sticky. When you get out, you have to spend time freezing & drying off too.
The biggest sensory issue I have with showers though, is the SOUND. Before I started actively making accommodations for my sensory issues (wearing headphones is my main strategy) taking a shower was so exhausting & sensory overwhelming that a lot of the time I would end up dissociating while in the shower, so literally sit there under the water until the water ran icy cold without actually getting any washing done & have a massive sensory meltdown afterwards where I would sit in my dark room, head buried under the covers & not have the energy to get out of bed or drink/eat for days. It felt like after a shower I just needed the world to be completely still, dark & silent & I had a LOT of regular massive Autistic burnouts constantly, so I was stuck in a cycle of ‘don’t have energy to do anything for months on end (showering, eating properly, going to appointments, housework, keeping up with medications etc.) & then having a tiny bit of energy is saved up from literally ignoring the world for months & I would frantically try to get my life back on track until I burnout again.
The biggest ever game changer for me was wearing noise canceling headphones. I started wearing them 24/7 (yes even to bed haha) & the amount of energy I had was insane. I went from barely being able to get out of bed to able to get through a day, even having the energy for self care stuff & cooking (which I hadn’t been able to do regularly for over 6 years). I really struggle with transitions, moving from one activity or step in a process to another & showering has a lot of steps. You need to make time for the activity but it’s hard to schedule a end & start to this random activity, make sure your towel & soaps are ready, heat the water up,
get undressed, putting your dirty clothes away & having clean ones prepared… etc. Which just confounds the issue & I find it really difficult to find the momentum to actually make it happen, even when I KNOW intelligently I need one & I feel constantly guilty & ashamed about it.
These days I hack my brain by consciously scheduling appointments & plans with friends for appropriate/manageable shower intervals - because I know I won’t have the self motivation to be able to shower for myself/my hygiene, but I totally will shower & go all out washing my hair (a whole other insanely difficult task for another day) to be presentable & clean for anyone other than me.
The huge downside to relying daily on my noise canceling headphones is, that in the past I’d allow an extra 1-2 hrs between commitments & tasks because I knew I’d spend those hours just struggling to task switch & transition from place to place (I used to regularly sit in my car after I parked for 30+ mins until I could somehow get my brain to realise ‘hey we need to get out now’. With my headphones, I tend to not have such issues at all or very few/frequent short transitions instead, because I can play podcasts, videos, music etc. through my headphones & that signals my brain that me physically needing to move my body, like leaving the house, getting into the car, driving off, getting out of the car, going into the store & so on - are all the SAME task, because the audio continues & isn’t interrupted from moving from my phone, to car speaker, to house speaker etc.
The only issue is that I can’t wear my headphones in the shower if I’m washing my hair (I’ve brought a few cheap noise canceling pairs that I do use in the shower if I’m not washing hair & just replace once the steam kills them), it wasn’t until I started wearing noise canceling headphones everyday that I realised how stressful & sensory overwhelming showering was for me. It’s the sound of the water & it’s just so LOUD & inconsistent & my usual coping mechanisms like listening to music & vocal stimming just don’t sound the same/hit differently because of the water plus shower echo.
After showers where I wear my headphones, for example: I’ll usually still be able to go out to the store for 2-3hrs, run other errands all day, make phone calls & get some housework done (though my capacity is still less than on days I don’t shower at all) BUT after showers where I wash my hair & don’t wear headphones, it’ll still take me usually 1-2 days of no commitments, not talking to a single soul, not getting anything done & laying in bed with my favourite media, to bounce back. These showers I really struggle with transitions (such as getting started/in, sitting for hours afterwards without physically drying off/getting dressed) & will usually find myself way overstimulated, close to meltdown territory with a lot of anxious, nervous type stims on a constant loop.
Before my headphones I typically wouldn’t shower for around 3 weeks at a time (I have a drs appointment every month so my ability to shower centred on these) & often went 2-3 months without washing my hair.
Even now I’ll regularly go 2-3 weeks without showering (though I have a lot more capacity to do other hygiene methods like applying deodorant every day/few days, which I wasn’t doing before, brushing out my hair, using baby/shower wipes, exfoliating, washing my face most nights) & my hair often doesn’t get washed for that same amount of time. I do use a LOT of dry shampoo & recently found a fantastic no water shampoo product & a similar no rinse body wash foam (foam is way easier for me to handle than any type of gel/soap product, sensory wise) so I’ve been able to use those methods a lot more often too.
Showering is the task that causes me the most stress, sensory overwhelm, meltdown & feelings of shame & guilt constantly. It is the hardest thing I have to manage in my life, so I totally get it. Before I gave myself permission to explore & find my own accommodations & what worked for me, I spent 12 years of my life feeling that struggle & like showering was impossible. I would literally plan my life around it & to some extent I still do have to, even with all my little accommodations & tips in place.
It’s totally not okay for OP’s neurodivergent partner to bash him online or publicly posting unkind, hurtful, untrue things. I can understand the frustration when you have family & people around you constantly telling you to ‘just do this thing’ & putting constant pressure on you to get something done when you’re constantly told ‘it’s easy, and basic hygiene’ when there’s a very real but invisible roadblock standing in your way. After constantly hearing comments & critiques from people, media, friends, all your life, it can feel so frustrating & hurtful when yet again someone else (especially someone who you perceive to know & understand you) puts pressure on & comments on your hygiene, even when it comes from a place of concern.
I have the PDA flavour of Autism (Pathological Demand Avoidance) & annoyingly (yes for me too) someone bringing that up or saying that I ‘should/need’ to do that thing - will actually make it impossible & harder to complete.
Yeah all of OP’s partner’s actions were hurtful & overkill at best & something she needs to apologise for & learn to do better with - but I think in this instance it would be helpful for OP & his partner to establish some firm boundaries around hygiene/showering. Such as: OP having a boundary where he won’t stay in the same bed or do certain activities (cuddling, sex, going out in public or similar) if she isn’t appropriately clean in a way that is acceptable for a public place. But also for his partner to have her own boundaries such as: She won’t continue or participate in a conversation where her hygiene/showering habits are analysed or critiqued (even if out of concern). And that they both agree that her showering habits are not going to be a source of discussion or a topic that’s brought up. I think OP in this case has to decide whether, if he’s truly only concerned about her hygiene, to let it go. Or decide that he’s concerned about how her hygiene impacts him (makes him feel dirty, uncomfortable etc.) in which case, seriously consider if this is a relationship that he can continue in without her hygiene habits changing.
A lot of the time, people bring a lot of things up as ‘concerned for your health’ but what OP likely doesn’t realise is that, for someone neurodivergent, doing all of the ‘right’ things we need to do, in a world that isn’t built for our brains - is that, often skipping the ‘simple things’ that are ‘good for you’ - generally is way better for our brains & mental health. I cannot tell you how severely depressed, worthless & hopeless I felt for the majority of my life, when I was performing all the ‘right’ actions & doing all the ‘easy everyday things everyone has to do’ & how severely burnout I was. I was constantly trying to go through my days with 3 spoons to get everything done when everyone else was given 30. A lot of the time for someone neurodivergent, ‘being healthy’ includes making sure to prioritise our brains & mental health over a shower. And that’s actually been WAY more healthy for me.
I used to SH daily, had multiple suicide attempts, constant anxiety & fatigue. I felt horrible because I was putting all my energy into just trying to get through a day doing what everyone else was & constantly failing everyday. That really impacts your self worth, I was so ashamed & resentful of my body, thought I was lazy & disgusting because why couldn’t I just get things like showering & making dinner, done, like everyone else. Why was I constantly struggling with these ‘simple things everyone can do’. But my brain just doesn’t work like that. And I had to learn to let that be okay. Yeah, I don’t shower all that frequently, but I can hold a job, keep my room clean, take my medications, making plans with my friends, visit my family… these are all things I didn’t have the capacity to do when I was forcing myself to do tasks that were extremely difficult for me (like showering) & I would much prefer to maintain my relationships with friends, have the energy to cook a meal for dinner every night & take my dog on a daily walk, then skip those for a shower everyday.
Sometimes you have to choose what your brain can handle & just because it may seem like a ‘simple, easy task’ I can assure you, it’s not always that simple.
Autistic here to comment on showering. For me the difficulty showering is multi-layered. 1. I struggle with transitions and showering has a lot (clothed to unclothed, dry to wet, warm to cold or hot, wet to dry, unclothed to clothed). 2. Sensory issues, a lot of the above listed things can be sensory issues. 3. Executive dysfunction, for someone who thrives on routine, I still struggle to form habits. From my understanding, neurotypical people can make a habit of showering without having to consciously think about every individual task. The reasons I can be convinced to shower include my own health and the comfort of others. I may be able to live with Day 3 stink but others may not. A way that I've found easier is to pair it with something I enjoy. For example, I'll shower at the pool or gym. Somehow the different environment makes it less intimidating. You can also try pairing it with other enjoyable things at home: candlelight, aromatherapy, a favourite playlist, a little treat or reward after. We do not live our lives in isolation and while many choices do not affect others, hygiene is one that can.
8:30. Her body, her choice. If she wants help then fine, but it's for her to prioritise how she spends her spoons. They don't sound like a great pairing, but if he can get to grips with the fact that his training does not apply to her then maybe there's hope.
On the last one I would have left the room noisily and let them deal with the fall out.
I was in the hospital last year and for months after I could only shower once a week, between my physical limitations and my mental ones, I’m showering every other day now, but it took me a few months to shower more than once a week.
Story 1: I can't shower often too and sensory issues is one of the reasons. If you regularly shower less, you naturally don't get as smelly or greasy or anything as quick so while a week is a while for a normal person and you will be very smelly, it won't be like that if you always do that. OP was belittling her whether they intended or not as debating with someone when they tell you they can't do something cause of a disability is belittling. If they can't handle it, maybe they just aren't compatible, or he needs to learn not everyone has to be the same and just because it's not okay for them doesn't mean it's not okay for everyone. Living with a disability isn't fun or healthy sometimes. Showering every day isn't even recommended at least for everyone. I also forgot about how she acted and was confused and side eyeing your ESH XD but yeah totally ESH
I gotta say Everyone Sucks for the first one. I've got AuDHD and and while showering can actually be really pleasant for me sensorywise and being unshowered bothers me more, if I'm already struggling it can be hard from an executive function perspective. However, i definitely have sensory issues around certain household cleaning tasks and there is So Much personal shame around not being able to keep things clean. And nothing makes it harder than someone else (especially a person i love and trust) shaming me for it. I KNOW it's gross and not acceptable but having someone say it just makes me shut down. And if she shuts down every time he asks how to support her, that means she probably genuinely doesn't know. But get online behavior was definitely not acceptable either
(context for this comment, im gonna completely ignore the whole social media thing from story 1)
I can't shower often for 3 reasons, I'm autistic and cant do the sensory of showers, I have adhd and forget and I'm disabled and WILL be whipped out and have to lay down for at least 2-3 hours after a shower. With all that said, I shower about once every 4-5 days, sometimes once a week if its a bad week. However, I use a rag to wash my pits and a bidet for my nether region every other day. OP is an asshole for what he said and how he went about it but I understand that he wants to help. I can assure you, the girlfriend feels like shit about the fact she cant get herself to shower. I think if he wants to help, first, he needs to stop being judgemental and second, suggest smaller tasks that may be less overstimulating for her. Telling her that she must shower is not going to work, obviously, she feels attacked and upset when she clearly states she cant do it and all he's saying is "but like, do it though." I guess my point is just, he's not the asshole for wanting her to shower more, I get that, he clearly means well but he was being rude and inconsiderate.
I don't sweat. Showing more than once or twice a week makes my skin awful. I don't smell and I put my hair up when it looks greasy...
My daughter and I are both on the spectrum. She has had problems for years with showering because of the water hitting her skin. She finally had to get one of those shower heads that are like rain it just drips so it wasn't coming out and hitting her skin with force behind it. For me it's about standing in the bathtub and the feeling under my feet and I'm very uncomfortable because I feel like I'm going to fall.
wow, see I have the same issues and just never vocalized them. concearning the adhd/tism showering (in my case) . Putting myself in that situation, its quite... frustrating when people ask again and again for something you cant solve but dont take you seriously in that situation. I for the most part neither care about smell, looks and comfort (wich can quite honestly be the issue with my quite honestlyshit mental health) and... simply the thought of a gf/bf constantly trying to assist is.... stressfull. I honestly never knew people are actually bothered by any kind of smell, so.... I dont know. But clear communication/honesty is the way to go here, even though it takes a frustrating ammnt of time
I have similar issues (not concerning showering, bc I love that, it's like a warm rainstorm), but with plenty of other sensory things, especially having acute and attuned taste and smell. I try to have a compassionate mindset that not everyone is as fortunate as me, but when someone smells even a little, I notice it instantly and it turns my stomach. Especially when you have to be in the same room, it can be hard to get air. So I guess if it helps you to remember/think about, sensory issues can often work in reverse, i.e. whatever issue you're having, someone else could be affected by you avoiding finding a way to deal with something.
As someone who has trouble showering sometimes for mental health 4 days is the “hey you should definitely shower” a week is definitely not okay. At least once a week! Very very important for health.
In the first story, it may just be a question of incompatibility. As someone with OCD, specific around germs, I would absolutely not comfortable sharing a home and a bed with someone who doesn't shower at least once every two days. But I would never push someone to accommodate my needs over their own. We would need to either work out a compromise that works for both of us or split.
Perfect timing was just looking for somthing to watch while I was eating 😊
Im Audhd plus chronic pain and other health issues and shower about once a week usually. Sometimes thats what you need and you need to add other accommodations to your life to make things work, like using wipes washing up in the sink to make yourself feel a little cleaner. But for me it also depends on if ive had to go anywhere and what my hormones are doing. Some parts of my hormonal cycle are just less stinky than others and others are more stinky.