my parents were all of those. now i live alone, locked up in my home, not talking to anyone, unable to keep any relationship with anyone, not to mention any job. my life is so much fun.
My dad is the critical type, everything I did was made fun of. My clothes, my music, my makeup was all made fun of. Nothing I do is good enough for him. My job, my bf, my dog, my job, my hobbies my entire life he criticizes. Even my mental health problems and how I deal with them he criticizes. Everything i do is something to scrutinize and make fun of. And I would try so hard for him to like something about me. After a huge blowup this July I am done. It became clear I will never be good enough and he will always hate me. It's just hard feeling unloved and unworthy ur entire life. And finally at 26 I am done and I am realizing nothing would be good enough because he's a child and will never change. He does not believe in growth and mental health and it's not my job to teach him.
Amen. I know my dad loves me but he does not like or respect me. I told him kindly so and have kept a boundary of minimal one on one interaction. I've never felt so peaceful in my whole 48 years. It's never too late to heal 💖
I’m proud of you! You have the courage to face this, not pretend things are okay or hope for something that just can’t be. Now you’re on your way to freedom and so much younger than a lot of us who finally figured it out. You’ll feel better. Sometime you’re going to see how really good you are, how beautiful life is, and all of your possibilities. I’m so excited for you 🩷💪
@@elisabethhughes6005 thank you. Yeah it's still pretty rough right now especially bc of the holidays but I think it's more the mourning of how I wish it could be. It's better than participating and expecting something different though. I know each yr will get easier. 🙂❤️
I'm doing therapy for 4 years now, and got to the point that, what makes the heart pump is love and love is lifengergy (some call it God), that's the only thing I'm having in common with my parents and all living creatures on the planet. (My dad and mum, had and have, that behaviour you described) There is a way (I just had that experience two times now) to "dive" into the heart, and the brain becomes absolutely coloured magic freedom. No physical stuff ever (drugs or medicine) coused me such good experience. I'm love, you are love, and every-body, where is life inside, is love. Everywhere... Since then when I get "away" I think.... pum pumpum, pum pumpum, pum pumpum.... like the hearbeat. No one will ever love you more than your own heart, and that heart is connected to all heats. Even to the ones who only talk shi... 😅😂❤ 0:13
Between both parents I would say 1-5. The largest impact was #1. Growing up was like walking on eggshells through a minefield with no safe place to go.
These videos have made me realize how important it is to educate myself on being a parent. My parents were a mix of these all. Now as a parent I’m trying to break these generational barriers and become a better parent. I find myself being 2-5 at times and I have to snap out of it and apologize. Please make a video on how to overcome these issues.
I love parents writing this. Just stay observant without self condemnation- the best service you can do. For your kids.. And yourself. Isn't it great - one investment, two benefits 😊😅
Did you become reactive, too? I struggle a lot with guilt around being an emotional roller-coaster myself. By nature, I'm really chill. But I couldn't get my needs met that way.
I am 53 & am only recently realizing how profoundly my life path was altered by my childhood. I had a reactive parent & a disconnected-critical parent & was SAd. I knew I was different & struggled to connect with people, had difficulty expressing my emotions or dealing with other people’s emotions. I was reactive, a people pleaser and hyper-vigilant. I haven’t read the book but the body does keep score & a lifetime of being disconnected from my nervous system has resulted in disabling fibromyalgia, connective tissue disorder & mental shutdown. It is really heartbreaking because my life could have been so different had I been raised in an emotionally healthy family or even realized I couldn’t just walk away from a childhood like that and be ok. Of course nobody was talking about nervous system disregulation back then & talk therapy was about the only option. Hang in there everybody, there are more of us than one might think:)
Mum = reactive. Dad = disconnected. But elememts of critical parent style resonate too. Believe me, its hard to swallow how much of my life as an adult has been impacted. Everything to do with all types of relationships, career choices, how I spend my free time, how I see love, kids, money, timing, fear, food, thoughts. There is zero that has not been touched because of my terrible upbringing. Its hard to know, who is really me, and who is a by-product of my upbringing. Working on healing everyday.
I relate to not knowing what is really me because I have recently learned that things I thought were core elements of my personality are actually trauma responses…
For real… There were some parts where when she would go over the next bulletin point, I would think “okay this is my dad, and probably not so much my mom”. THEN, she would describe it and what it looks like, and then I was like “aw hell NO! That is 100% BOTH parents…. On every single one of them.
I’ve experienced all of these and always blamed myself for the inadequacies I’ve experienced in life. I got caught up in the illusion that my parent were perfect because I desperately craved a relationship with them on a more pure and unconditional level. God Bless! Thank you for this information!
Wow. This makes so much sense. My mum is 1,4 and 5, my dad is 2. Almost got the full set. It’s no wonder I’m such a mess. Just been diagnosed with cptsd, stuck running a business with my mum, I don’t earn a penny of my own money and she emotionally tortures me every single day. She’s so reactive and she has manipulated me into a situation where she is so utterly dependent on me that I can’t walk away. She sees me as an extension of herself, always expecting me to rescue her. I’m her therapist, social life, accountant and “best friend”. I hate her and feel so stuck. I’m 41 and have seen her every day of my life. She even followed me to uni and insisted on naming my daughter Thank you for your channel, it’s brought me so much comfort. I’ve binged it over the last few days and feel so seen.
I had my parents and step parents and them grandparents that raised me. Feels like someone ticked all those boxes at some point. I’m now 40 and finally getting to a point where I see that nothing is “wrong” with me, but my soil wasn’t exactly the best for my growth. Awareness is such a big first step. So on that note, we can be proud of ourselves 🌈💎
I would have classed myself as an emotionally immature parent, until I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism and saw other endocrine disorders, that affected my cognition, psychological and physical development and functioning from my birth defects, childhood symptoms through to adulthood, I wasn’t these labels, that I was educated to believe, it was my body took more time to process logically, and yes my hormones got worse after my children, and that I and getting their father diagnosed with the same diseases as me, as his mother had them, that I passed these behaviours on. It made me understand my parents more, I always thought after my children something wasn’t right and that luckily eventually made sense of me. How does this woman know your parents didn’t have something that effects their behaviour, such as an angry parent, that could be pituitary, thyroid, anemia, vitamin or mineral deficiencies, was their births without stress, trauma, many siblings, all these impact babies. That’s why they’res generational traumas and family disorders.
In my case, all except for the last one. Key point is what you mentioned about keeping us small and around them through shaming us and making us undervalue ourselves
My mum is reactive and critical. Anything could set her off and nothing can make her happy. Growing up, it was like walking on eggshells - it all depended on her mood. I didn't hear her once address my dad in a calm voice. She was in a reactive state most of the time. Sadly, it's still the same 40 years later. She creates unnecessary drama and conflict and is impossible to please.
I realized in those years that I myself am a reactive parent (my mother was like this too). I am really working on myself to be a different mum for my two little girls! Thank you ❤
Same here, I feel bad for my son. All I ever wanted was to be a better parent than the ones I had… but I can be reactive when my stress levels get too high. My son seems well -adjusted but I can tell he sometimes slips into a mode of trying to make me happy. It breaks my heart it happens, but overall I still think I was a much better parent. I didn’t overcome everything, but I overcame a lot. Not sure if this helps, but just keep trying each day and know it won’t be perfect but it can be better.
You're a huge step ahead by recognizing this and trying to change. My parents don't have a shard of self reflection in them still. I see myself in some of this list. Glad I don't have kids (no judgement to you) and can do my work alone where it's safe
I've been waiting 48 and a half years for the answer to the question I've always had. This video provided what I need to start healing from a reactive mother. Thank you so, so from my entire heart.
Weird, I only had 2 parents but somehow experienced all 5 types. At home, my mother was reactive when she didn’t get her way and approval-seeking when she felt lonely. Everywhere else, she was perfectionistic. Outside the home, the ONLY thing that mattered was achievement. My dad, on the other hand, oscillated between disconnected and critical. It was sometimes a relief if he just ignored us rather than mercilessly mocking us for the slightest misstep. Once he mocked me for weeks on end for oversleeping 1 hour on a weekend and I wasn’t feeling well. He went on and on for weeks about how reliable and punctual I was that they didn’t need alarm clocks anymore; they could count on me to wake them up… all because I didn’t get up at 5am like he wanted me to. My whole life was like that, just bizarrely mocked for nothing but being human.
Both of my parents had emotional struggles. They were divorced by the time I was 10. My father was reactive, but only towards my mother.He had a temper and was abusive verbally and physically to my mom. After they divorced, and we would have visitations with him, I remember him yelling about her as he was driving. It was upsetting. My mother had her own issues. I think she was a disconnected parent. In part because she projected her resentment about my dad onto me. She didn't think he treated me and my younger sister equally. She said when I was little and my dad got home from work he would pick me up and give me attention, but ignore my younger sister. It could be true, but she could have misjudged him. She was always extremely protective of my sister. Almost like an obsession. So it has always felt like there is a wall between me and my mom. I really don't talk a lot to her, especially about anything serious. That's is because she is also critical. I have tried at times, but I feel such disconnect and lack of support from her. It just doesn't work .
Growing up, I had a very loving dad. He was strict, but loving and I could confide in him, have fun around him, and learn about life's ups and downs and how to deal with them. My mother, on the other hand, after watching this video, has all four of the five types you described. Always impatient, yelling orders or just plain yelling, nothing was ever good enough, affection to her kids non-existent, and recruiting needed to be perfect and parenting seemed to be a duty not encompassing affection, playing, learning, etc. It felt like a military camp with her. With my dad, things were so much more chill. He didn't yell or raise his voice unless we made him upset. He loved to live life, to be funny, kind, present. To him, life was not just work, work, work. To my mother, that's all I've known: chores and school work.
Thank you. I am that mom :( :( :( I'm learning a lot a boutique myself and my journey. I'm busy to heal myself so I can clean al the bullshit and I can be every day I little bit more the woman and mom I want to be for my child. I've got also a horrible motter to. But new i have a choice and a claearity ❤🎉
I Literally Checked All Those BOXES ….Without The Inner Work We Would Continue To Believe We Are Wounded Unworthy Beings. Thank You Beautiful For The Gift Of Your Wisdom. You Have Been Instrumental In Helping Me Navigate The Treacherous Waters. It’s Nice To Be Standing On The Other Side ❤.
Between my parents, my older sister, and unfortunately my own parenting, I would say we have all five covered. It's hard to hear but thank you for this video, it really nails my family.
My dad was reactive, perfectionist and critical in his style - my mom was approval seeking and coddling. And yes, I ended up with an anxious avoidant attachment style, that I'm working on...
Don't bother working on it. In my experience, with an eerily similar story to yours, all growing a backbone and having standards does is alienate the people who would take advantage of you... and then when you stand up for yourself they react worse than your parents. Find a way to appreciate yourself and value your contributions to the world, but don't seek affection or attachments from potential abusers that will take you right back to square one.
My mother was a 1&4 combo ( I was reduced to tears during both descriptions). Thank you, Doctor, for all your work! I have your book and I love it - it has helped me SO much!
This channel has been super helpful in helping me understand how the trauma I experienced impacts me today as a parent. I'm committed to breaking the pattern.
Both parent approval seeking, both overly dependent, & have no boundaries. Mom is more reactive. Everyone try to appease her in this enmeshed family. I'm a contradiction of wanting to be seen & heard but I don't want to be seen either. General anxieties, anxious-dismissive avoident, identity crisis. Etc. Etc. Yippee 🙃
Both of my parents are reactive, for sure, but my mom is also approval-seeking. Not that she wanted MY approval; she wanted everyone else's approval and validation. I finally threw in the towel in '16. I went no contact & ended up losing my entire family. My mom is highly manipulative & uses triangulation & guilt. I'm just focusing on living my life & I'm in more peace now that I'm not speaking with them.
#4 critical patent 😮😢yup I grew up with then criticizing everything and almost like bullying that's why I think I have low self esteem and other issues but now that I live alone I realize I can start over with life 🧬
My mother is 1 - 4. I was the only child and my father was away working 2 jobs or out of the country with the military. I spent my childhood in consistent fear, shame, & loneliness. Now in my late 30s I have no relationship with either of them.
Number 1 and 2 , my mother stopped talking to me at age 8 like completely ! As it made my abusive stepfather insecure, then when angry she'd come in punching me in the head for what I'd never actually done.
My father was a combination 1, 2, and 4. We always had to walk on eggshells, only got the most basic needs met (no emotional support or encouragement whatsoever), and were always told when we fell short (but never recognized for any achievement). My mother was a 2 - always disconnected, no affection or nurturing, just met the basics like food clothing and shelter. It’s been many many years of personal work to recognize how emotionally immature my parents were and to find a path to healing. Thank you for your informative videos.
Fuck! I have multiple of these types.. it’s so hard when you have a lot of narcissistic people in the family. I have 1 & 2 in mom, 3 & 4 in dad.. and ugh. I’m hyper-vigilant as fuck. Listening to the book ‘Adult children of emotionally immature parents’ made be bawl my eyes out. And now I’m grey rock. It’s sad- but my sanity is more important than trying to have meaningful relationships with them.
Between my parents I encounter all of the behaviours, after 18 years of trying every thing to get well. I have brought books, courses watched and listen to pod cast etc. I still feel worthless and hopeless and that I will never be free.
Definitely had emotionally immature parents & realized that I was one with my kids in some ways. Working on doing better with my grown kids in explaining that I didn’t understand how to parent properly but I want to show up for any problems or issues that they struggle with. It’s hard seeing some of these though 😢 Thank you for your perspective on so many issues I struggle with & for helping me do better!!
My mother was mainly reactive, and my father disconnected!! Thanksgiving was a struggle with mom....sigh!! I am grateful to my fellow traveler for sharing your channel with me!!!!
All 5. In regard to the approval seeking one, when you aren't allowed to speak or reach out for support, unfortunately your child may be the only option. Impact was huge and so detrimental. And then you have to unlearn those same behaviors and patterns to create a healthier life for yourself and your own family. The most rewarding feeling in the world. If my practice and business closed tomorrow Id still have so much peace in my heart knowing I did just that and have helped others do the same. Thank you for your continued work Dr. Nicole. Hope to connect with you. ❤
Both of my parents are types 2, 3, and 4. I'm 38 now and still trying to figure out who I am and what personal value is. I broke down to tears after your description of #3.
For my dad it's 2 and 4, we have very little communication but most of the time he's talking to me it's to critic my choices, the way live or i look. It's really hard do things for me without receiving negative comments. But i have my mom and sisters who encouraged me.
Father disconnected and critical and mother mixture of reactive, critical, perfectionistic and approval seeking ... I always had a feeling that I don't have a father -because he was exactly as youare describing - physically there but emotionally and energetically totaly disconnected ... He is dead now and I am healing ... I learned how to deal with my narcissistic mother and I am really proud of myself that I don't react anymore as I did in the past, I stay in my centre, I trust my self and my perceptions (I was also gaslit from her majority of my life and I thought I am crazy, until I learned about gaslighting). Unfortunatelly I am able to have just surface conversations with her and it is always about her ... as usually ... :)
Man, my mom was a solid #1! We were always walking on egg shells around her. And when she went on a bender, look out! She has blanked out a bunch of these and just says, 'I don't remember that' and thinks it's all right. All of us kids struggled with issues from her Jeckle/Hyde parenting.
You know what's "better" than the "I don't remember that"? The: "I never said that!", getting angry, and another giant tantrum. My brother didn't struggle with her behaviour, but, at 34yo, I'm still impacted by this. When I talk to someone, I still think they'll get mad for nothing out of nowhere.
My mom is definitely #1 (reactive). In a SECOND, she can completely change her mood, for NO REASON. One day, she will praise you for something, another day she will be mad because you do the exact same thing. BUT: she doesn't rely at all on family's reactions/behaviour. Because there is NOTHING we can do to help to regulate. You just have to stay quiet, retire in another room (when she lets you do so) and wait for a tantrum to stop. She's a bit type #4 (critical), but in a single way: she can be a micro-manager, but is not consistent with that behaviour.
I'm sad to say I believe I'm an approval-seeking type of parent, because my inner child has never healed after abuse. I have teenagers and love them more than anything in this world so I'm working to better myself!
😢 My mother was disconnected and perfectionist. As far as reaction is concerned, the only reaction we mostly got was the silent treatment. It would start anytime and extend for any length of time.
Ooof I was mostly raised by my older sister who is a 1, and I had one parent as a 2 and one as a 3 so I feel like I’ve got almost the whole enchilada! I have been fighting my whole parenting life to not be a reactive parent (with therapy of course) and it has been a long journey. Thank you for your videos!
Thank you yes D all of the above! On my journey I had an "ah ha moment" my parents were 22 and 24 when I was born and 26 and 28 by the time they had three children. Just that alone explains a lot!! Decades later it has improved but will never be age appropriate!
Thanksgiving went well overall this year, though once again my reactive parents proved they aren't capable of being around other people. I just tried to ignore them and hang out with the other relatives.
My dad was 1, 2, and 5, and my mom was 3, and 4 and 5. However, the critical and perfectionistic parent have stuck out most because I still have problems with my weight due to my moms criticism and even at work I struggle putting myself to such a high standard that I can't reach.
Ok. Dad: mostly reactive and perfectionist. Mum: mostly critical and approval seeking. Me: I feel quite broken. Have worked on piecing me together over the years and, if you take a cursory glance or look from a distance, I mostly appear whole; but when you get close enough, you can see through the gaps of the bits I haven't managed to find..... Thanks for posting your content Dr Lepera, truely.
But my parent seems to get along with my siblings. Or maybe they just take it better than I was able to. They are so much like our parent, snicky, deceitful, lying, gossiping, unpredictable actions. I moved away as soon as I could; they say I'm the black sheep.
My stepdad 4 & my Mom 1 & 5 they both had dysfunctional childhoods like me from an Alcoholic Biological Father he was a 2. He also had a single parent to raise him started drinking at the age of 11, he was also a workaholic died at the age 41! From Cirrhosis 😔
I had them all. And it scares me that I most likely have done bits and pieces of the same to my child😢. Because I learned from them… they were my parents…
My mom was the reactive and somewhat disconnected parent. Yet I have become reactive, and can see a bit of the perfectionist parent in me as I’m terrified of failure and I’m slightly approval seeking as at times I rely on my children for emotion support in my relationship. Yikes
My mother has all of them, unfortunately. Meanwhile my father I would say Disconnected and Critical. And now I realize, although I'm not a parent (yet), I check all of these boxes with all the people around me. Especially in close friendships and romantical relationship. How do you heal from it? 😢
Can you have a parent with predominant style with a secondary style? Seems to work better for me. My mom was disconnected most of the time (food and shelter parenting) but she could be reactive and neurotic. She used TV and cigarettes to disconnect from life and ignore issues.
my parents are 90% #1 & #2 to a tee and the rest is somewhat #4 & #5. I wish I didnt have to be so terrified of their reactions and constant disdain for me trying to live my life and be myself. id do anything to have an invisible emotional shield so that they can never get in my head.
My dad was hardcore 1, 3 and 4. God, I wish he was 2! Edit: Dang, my mom is definitely 5 due to the inappropriate venting and advice seeking from a young age.
Yikes ! I definitely see my parents in these, but in turn, im ashamed to say i also see myself in some. I have just one child. And ive been on a personally development journey for 10 yrs . Everyday i try to do better. But how do i become emotionally MATURE ? I sometimes feel my child is emotionally from me and i know its my fault but how do i change it ?
Waouh! Thank you so much for these explanations. I had a mother in the first category, a father in the second, and I ended up being on the 2nd category...marrying a 1st category sort of man!. How do we heal?
my parents were all of those.
now i live alone, locked up in my home, not talking to anyone, unable to keep any relationship with anyone, not to mention any job.
my life is so much fun.
Check out the work of Byron Katie. It saved me. Good luck.
Check out the work of Byron Katie. It saved me. Good luck.
My dad is the critical type, everything I did was made fun of. My clothes, my music, my makeup was all made fun of. Nothing I do is good enough for him. My job, my bf, my dog, my job, my hobbies my entire life he criticizes. Even my mental health problems and how I deal with them he criticizes. Everything i do is something to scrutinize and make fun of. And I would try so hard for him to like something about me. After a huge blowup this July I am done. It became clear I will never be good enough and he will always hate me. It's just hard feeling unloved and unworthy ur entire life. And finally at 26 I am done and I am realizing nothing would be good enough because he's a child and will never change. He does not believe in growth and mental health and it's not my job to teach him.
I really resonate with the last line of your comment❤ I'm 34 now, and last year I had the same realization about my abusive parent.
Amen. I know my dad loves me but he does not like or respect me. I told him kindly so and have kept a boundary of minimal one on one interaction. I've never felt so peaceful in my whole 48 years. It's never too late to heal 💖
I’m proud of you! You have the courage to face this, not pretend things are okay or hope for something that just can’t be. Now you’re on your way to freedom and so much younger than a lot of us who finally figured it out.
You’ll feel better. Sometime you’re going to see how really good you are, how beautiful life is, and all of your possibilities. I’m so excited for you 🩷💪
@@elisabethhughes6005 thank you. Yeah it's still pretty rough right now especially bc of the holidays but I think it's more the mourning of how I wish it could be. It's better than participating and expecting something different though. I know each yr will get easier. 🙂❤️
I'm doing therapy for 4 years now, and got to the point that, what makes the heart pump is love and love is lifengergy (some call it God), that's the only thing I'm having in common with my parents and all living creatures on the planet. (My dad and mum, had and have, that behaviour you described)
There is a way (I just had that experience two times now) to "dive" into the heart, and the brain becomes absolutely coloured magic freedom.
No physical stuff ever (drugs or medicine) coused me such good experience.
I'm love, you are love, and every-body, where is life inside, is love.
Everywhere...
Since then when I get "away" I think.... pum pumpum, pum pumpum, pum pumpum.... like the hearbeat.
No one will ever love you more than your own heart, and that heart is connected to all heats. Even to the ones who only talk shi... 😅😂❤ 0:13
Between both parents I would say 1-5. The largest impact was #1. Growing up was like walking on eggshells through a minefield with no safe place to go.
Same. The safe place was out riding my bike
These videos have made me realize how important it is to educate myself on being a parent. My parents were a mix of these all. Now as a parent I’m trying to break these generational barriers and become a better parent. I find myself being 2-5 at times and I have to snap out of it and apologize. Please make a video on how to overcome these issues.
I love parents writing this. Just stay observant without self condemnation- the best service you can do. For your kids..
And yourself.
Isn't it great - one investment, two benefits 😊😅
The reactive thing gets me. I hate this so much. I’m 41 years old and I still struggle to cope with how I used to be when I was a child.
Did you become reactive, too? I struggle a lot with guilt around being an emotional roller-coaster myself. By nature, I'm really chill. But I couldn't get my needs met that way.
Read 'the body keeps the score ' h
This says opened my eyes to why I feel 12 years old, in 42 year old body.
I am 53 & am only recently realizing how profoundly my life path was altered by my childhood. I had a reactive parent & a disconnected-critical parent & was SAd. I knew I was different & struggled to connect with people, had difficulty expressing my emotions or dealing with other people’s emotions. I was reactive, a people pleaser and hyper-vigilant. I haven’t read the book but the body does keep score & a lifetime of being disconnected from my nervous system has resulted in disabling fibromyalgia, connective tissue disorder & mental shutdown. It is really heartbreaking because my life could have been so different had I been raised in an emotionally healthy family or even realized I couldn’t just walk away from a childhood like that and be ok. Of course nobody was talking about nervous system disregulation back then & talk therapy was about the only option. Hang in there everybody, there are more of us than one might think:)
Mum = reactive. Dad = disconnected. But elememts of critical parent style resonate too.
Believe me, its hard to swallow how much of my life as an adult has been impacted. Everything to do with all types of relationships, career choices, how I spend my free time, how I see love, kids, money, timing, fear, food, thoughts. There is zero that has not been touched because of my terrible upbringing.
Its hard to know, who is really me, and who is a by-product of my upbringing.
Working on healing everyday.
I can relate to that. Mom: Reactive and Critical // Dad :Disconnected
I relate to not knowing what is really me because I have recently learned that things I thought were core elements of my personality are actually trauma responses…
That's the most head-nodding I've ever done in 11 minutes.
For real…
There were some parts where when she would go over the next bulletin point, I would think “okay this is my dad, and probably not so much my mom”. THEN, she would describe it and what it looks like, and then I was like “aw hell NO! That is 100% BOTH parents…. On every single one of them.
I’ve experienced all of these and always blamed myself for the inadequacies I’ve experienced in life. I got caught up in the illusion that my parent were perfect because I desperately craved a relationship with them on a more pure and unconditional level. God Bless! Thank you for this information!
Wow. This makes so much sense. My mum is 1,4 and 5, my dad is 2. Almost got the full set. It’s no wonder I’m such a mess. Just been diagnosed with cptsd, stuck running a business with my mum, I don’t earn a penny of my own money and she emotionally tortures me every single day. She’s so reactive and she has manipulated me into a situation where she is so utterly dependent on me that I can’t walk away. She sees me as an extension of herself, always expecting me to rescue her. I’m her therapist, social life, accountant and “best friend”. I hate her and feel so stuck. I’m 41 and have seen her every day of my life. She even followed me to uni and insisted on naming my daughter
Thank you for your channel, it’s brought me so much comfort. I’ve binged it over the last few days and feel so seen.
I had my parents and step parents and them grandparents that raised me. Feels like someone ticked all those boxes at some point. I’m now 40 and finally getting to a point where I see that nothing is “wrong” with me, but my soil wasn’t exactly the best for my growth. Awareness is such a big first step. So on that note, we can be proud of ourselves 🌈💎
Beautifully expressed.
I would have classed myself as an emotionally immature parent, until I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism and saw other endocrine disorders, that affected my cognition, psychological and physical development and functioning from my birth defects, childhood symptoms through to adulthood, I wasn’t these labels, that I was educated to believe, it was my body took more time to process logically, and yes my hormones got worse after my children, and that I and getting their father diagnosed with the same diseases as me, as his mother had them, that I passed these behaviours on. It made me understand my parents more, I always thought after my children something wasn’t right and that luckily eventually made sense of me. How does this woman know your parents didn’t have something that effects their behaviour, such as an angry parent, that could be pituitary, thyroid, anemia, vitamin or mineral deficiencies, was their births without stress, trauma, many siblings, all these impact babies. That’s why they’res generational traumas and family disorders.
In my case, all except for the last one. Key point is what you mentioned about keeping us small and around them through shaming us and making us undervalue ourselves
My mum is reactive and critical. Anything could set her off and nothing can make her happy. Growing up, it was like walking on eggshells - it all depended on her mood. I didn't hear her once address my dad in a calm voice. She was in a reactive state most of the time. Sadly, it's still the same 40 years later. She creates unnecessary drama and conflict and is impossible to please.
Mine the same- she's like a 2 year old child in a 60 year old body. Literal tantrums complete with stamping her feet and squealing.
I realized in those years that I myself am a reactive parent (my mother was like this too). I am really working on myself to be a different mum for my two little girls! Thank you ❤
Same here, I feel bad for my son. All I ever wanted was to be a better parent than the ones I had… but I can be reactive when my stress levels get too high. My son seems well -adjusted but I can tell he sometimes slips into a mode of trying to make me happy. It breaks my heart it happens, but overall I still think I was a much better parent. I didn’t overcome everything, but I overcame a lot.
Not sure if this helps, but just keep trying each day and know it won’t be perfect but it can be better.
You're a huge step ahead by recognizing this and trying to change. My parents don't have a shard of self reflection in them still. I see myself in some of this list. Glad I don't have kids (no judgement to you) and can do my work alone where it's safe
I've been waiting 48 and a half years for the answer to the question I've always had. This video provided what I need to start healing from a reactive mother. Thank you so, so from my entire heart.
It’s quite fascinating how one person can have multiple types at once in one person 😄
Weird, I only had 2 parents but somehow experienced all 5 types. At home, my mother was reactive when she didn’t get her way and approval-seeking when she felt lonely. Everywhere else, she was perfectionistic. Outside the home, the ONLY thing that mattered was achievement. My dad, on the other hand, oscillated between disconnected and critical. It was sometimes a relief if he just ignored us rather than mercilessly mocking us for the slightest misstep. Once he mocked me for weeks on end for oversleeping 1 hour on a weekend and I wasn’t feeling well. He went on and on for weeks about how reliable and punctual I was that they didn’t need alarm clocks anymore; they could count on me to wake them up… all because I didn’t get up at 5am like he wanted me to. My whole life was like that, just bizarrely mocked for nothing but being human.
Both of my parents had emotional struggles. They were divorced by the time I was 10. My father was reactive, but only towards my mother.He had a temper and was abusive verbally and physically to my mom. After they divorced, and we would have visitations with him, I remember him yelling about her as he was driving. It was upsetting. My mother had her own issues. I think she was a disconnected parent. In part because she projected her resentment about my dad onto me. She didn't think he treated me and my younger sister equally. She said when I was little and my dad got home from work he would pick me up and give me attention, but ignore my younger sister. It could be true, but she could have misjudged him. She was always extremely protective of my sister. Almost like an obsession. So it has always felt like there is a wall between me and my mom. I really don't talk a lot to her, especially about anything serious. That's is because she is also critical. I have tried at times, but I feel such disconnect and lack of support from her. It just doesn't work .
Growing up, I had a very loving dad. He was strict, but loving and I could confide in him, have fun around him, and learn about life's ups and downs and how to deal with them. My mother, on the other hand, after watching this video, has all four of the five types you described. Always impatient, yelling orders or just plain yelling, nothing was ever good enough, affection to her kids non-existent, and recruiting needed to be perfect and parenting seemed to be a duty not encompassing affection, playing, learning, etc. It felt like a military camp with her. With my dad, things were so much more chill. He didn't yell or raise his voice unless we made him upset. He loved to live life, to be funny, kind, present. To him, life was not just work, work, work. To my mother, that's all I've known: chores and school work.
Thank you. I am that mom :( :( :( I'm learning a lot a boutique myself and my journey. I'm busy to heal myself so I can clean al the bullshit and I can be every day I little bit more the woman and mom I want to be for my child.
I've got also a horrible motter to. But new i have a choice and a claearity ❤🎉
I Literally Checked All Those BOXES ….Without The Inner Work We Would Continue To Believe We Are Wounded Unworthy Beings.
Thank You Beautiful For The Gift Of Your Wisdom. You Have Been Instrumental In Helping Me Navigate The Treacherous Waters. It’s Nice To Be Standing On The Other Side ❤.
Between my parents, my older sister, and unfortunately my own parenting, I would say we have all five covered. It's hard to hear but thank you for this video, it really nails my family.
@ bless. Your self awareness is where the pattern stops and healing begins 💖. Being a change maker isn't easy, but it's important and rewarding
I’m many as well, my mom was worse; we, at least, are working on it. ❤
This is why i dont have kids. Raising my inner child is a lot of work. 😅
Honestly, same. This is why I don’t ever want kids, the cycle ends with me for good.
Me too!
My dad was reactive, perfectionist and critical in his style - my mom was approval seeking and coddling. And yes, I ended up with an anxious avoidant attachment style, that I'm working on...
Don't bother working on it. In my experience, with an eerily similar story to yours, all growing a backbone and having standards does is alienate the people who would take advantage of you... and then when you stand up for yourself they react worse than your parents. Find a way to appreciate yourself and value your contributions to the world, but don't seek affection or attachments from potential abusers that will take you right back to square one.
My mother was a 1&4 combo ( I was reduced to tears during both descriptions). Thank you, Doctor, for all your work! I have your book and I love it - it has helped me SO much!
My mum #5 💯 I'm still the one that has to step back and set boundaries - and let me tell you she does not take it well when I do.
My mom is a strong #1 and my dad was #4 using sarcastic jokes all the time. Thank you for this!!
Fantastic content, very enlightning and helped me put words to what I´ve experienced
This channel has been super helpful in helping me understand how the trauma I experienced impacts me today as a parent. I'm committed to breaking the pattern.
Both parent approval seeking, both overly dependent, & have no boundaries.
Mom is more reactive. Everyone try to appease her in this enmeshed family.
I'm a contradiction of wanting to be seen & heard but I don't want to be seen either.
General anxieties, anxious-dismissive avoident, identity crisis. Etc. Etc. Yippee 🙃
My mother was all 5 types of emotionally immature
My mom was reactive and perfectionist, my dad was disconnected. Thank you for sharing this information, it helps me to better understand myself. 🙏
Both of my parents are reactive, for sure, but my mom is also approval-seeking. Not that she wanted MY approval; she wanted everyone else's approval and validation. I finally threw in the towel in '16. I went no contact & ended up losing my entire family. My mom is highly manipulative & uses triangulation & guilt. I'm just focusing on living my life & I'm in more peace now that I'm not speaking with them.
#4 critical patent 😮😢yup I grew up with then criticizing everything and almost like bullying that's why I think I have low self esteem and other issues but now that I live alone I realize I can start over with life 🧬
My mother is 1 - 4. I was the only child and my father was away working 2 jobs or out of the country with the military. I spent my childhood in consistent fear, shame, & loneliness. Now in my late 30s I have no relationship with either of them.
Same I have no relationship with mine either
Number 1 and 2 , my mother stopped talking to me at age 8 like completely ! As it made my abusive stepfather insecure, then when angry she'd come in punching me in the head for what I'd never actually done.
I’m so sorry! 💔❤️🩹
My father was a combination 1, 2, and 4. We always had to walk on eggshells, only got the most basic needs met (no emotional support or encouragement whatsoever), and were always told when we fell short (but never recognized for any achievement). My mother was a 2 - always disconnected, no affection or nurturing, just met the basics like food clothing and shelter. It’s been many many years of personal work to recognize how emotionally immature my parents were and to find a path to healing. Thank you for your informative videos.
Number 4 with continued sabotage combined with number 5 with offloading or dragged to events so we can be best friends 🙄😒
Fuck! I have multiple of these types.. it’s so hard when you have a lot of narcissistic people in the family. I have 1 & 2 in mom, 3 & 4 in dad.. and ugh. I’m hyper-vigilant as fuck. Listening to the book ‘Adult children of emotionally immature parents’ made be bawl my eyes out. And now I’m grey rock. It’s sad- but my sanity is more important than trying to have meaningful relationships with them.
Between my parents I encounter all of the behaviours, after 18 years of trying every thing to get well. I have brought books, courses watched and listen to pod cast etc. I still feel worthless and hopeless and that I will never be free.
Therapy might help. I recently went to therapy, and my therapy already knows a LOT about my mom.
You are brilliant! Thank you for all these videos! It is helping so many of us
Definitely had emotionally immature parents & realized that I was one with my kids in some ways. Working on doing better with my grown kids in explaining that I didn’t understand how to parent properly but I want to show up for any problems or issues that they struggle with. It’s hard seeing some of these though 😢
Thank you for your perspective on so many issues I struggle with & for helping me do better!!
While growing up my mom was a strong mix of 1, 2 & 5. Now that I've grown up, she's become just approval-seeking and is holding onto me for dear life.
My mother was mainly reactive, and my father disconnected!! Thanksgiving was a struggle with mom....sigh!! I am grateful to my fellow traveler for sharing your channel with me!!!!
This explains a lot about my parents and subsequently my parenting 😭
Saaaame!! How do we change it ?!
All 5. In regard to the approval seeking one, when you aren't allowed to speak or reach out for support, unfortunately your child may be the only option. Impact was huge and so detrimental. And then you have to unlearn those same behaviors and patterns to create a healthier life for yourself and your own family. The most rewarding feeling in the world. If my practice and business closed tomorrow Id still have so much peace in my heart knowing I did just that and have helped others do the same. Thank you for your continued work Dr. Nicole. Hope to connect with you. ❤
Both of my parents are types 2, 3, and 4. I'm 38 now and still trying to figure out who I am and what personal value is. I broke down to tears after your description of #3.
For my dad it's 2 and 4, we have very little communication but most of the time he's talking to me it's to critic my choices, the way live or i look. It's really hard do things for me without receiving negative comments. But i have my mom and sisters who encouraged me.
Excellent as always ❤
Father disconnected and critical and mother mixture of reactive, critical, perfectionistic and approval seeking ... I always had a feeling that I don't have a father -because he was exactly as youare describing - physically there but emotionally and energetically totaly disconnected ... He is dead now and I am healing ... I learned how to deal with my narcissistic mother and I am really proud of myself that I don't react anymore as I did in the past, I stay in my centre, I trust my self and my perceptions (I was also gaslit from her majority of my life and I thought I am crazy, until I learned about gaslighting). Unfortunatelly I am able to have just surface conversations with her and it is always about her ... as usually ... :)
Man, my mom was a solid #1! We were always walking on egg shells around her. And when she went on a bender, look out! She has blanked out a bunch of these and just says, 'I don't remember that' and thinks it's all right. All of us kids struggled with issues from her Jeckle/Hyde parenting.
You know what's "better" than the "I don't remember that"? The: "I never said that!", getting angry, and another giant tantrum.
My brother didn't struggle with her behaviour, but, at 34yo, I'm still impacted by this. When I talk to someone, I still think they'll get mad for nothing out of nowhere.
My mom is definitely #1 (reactive). In a SECOND, she can completely change her mood, for NO REASON. One day, she will praise you for something, another day she will be mad because you do the exact same thing.
BUT: she doesn't rely at all on family's reactions/behaviour. Because there is NOTHING we can do to help to regulate. You just have to stay quiet, retire in another room (when she lets you do so) and wait for a tantrum to stop.
She's a bit type #4 (critical), but in a single way: she can be a micro-manager, but is not consistent with that behaviour.
It's utterly confusing. My mother is the same way.
I'm sad to say I believe I'm an approval-seeking type of parent, because my inner child has never healed after abuse. I have teenagers and love them more than anything in this world so I'm working to better myself!
Oh my goodness, checked all 5. Explains a lot of my adult behaviours
1-3 and 5. I recognize them in the false self beliefs in myself and how I parented until the deep healing work began
My reflex response is that success doesnt happen. The goalposts just move.
😢 My mother was disconnected and perfectionist. As far as reaction is concerned, the only reaction we mostly got was the silent treatment. It would start anytime and extend for any length of time.
Mom critical parent
Dad Disconnect parent
Thank you for sharing this I liked and subscribed.
Ooof I was mostly raised by my older sister who is a 1, and I had one parent as a 2 and one as a 3 so I feel like I’ve got almost the whole enchilada! I have been fighting my whole parenting life to not be a reactive parent (with therapy of course) and it has been a long journey. Thank you for your videos!
Mother. Everything on the list. 😢 my father was too. My brother is a narc.
Yes...exactly the same. 😢
Can you suggest a conversation for repair as a parent with adult children, to acknowledge the emotional maturity I exhibited as a parent?
Thank you for sharing this, and yes 1-5 for me, too, between both.
How is it that I only have 2 biological parents and yet I have four types of emotionally immature parent?
Recognised my parents and myself as a parent. Wondering if l emotional mature parents even exist.
Thank you yes D all of the above! On my journey I had an "ah ha moment" my parents were 22 and 24 when I was born and 26 and 28 by the time they had three children. Just that alone explains a lot!! Decades later it has improved but will never be age appropriate!
That is very similar to my parents. They had 3 kids by ages 23 and 27.
Thank you, great video.
Mom: reactive, perfectionistic, critical. Dad: disconnected. What a nightmare.
Thanksgiving went well overall this year, though once again my reactive parents proved they aren't capable of being around other people. I just tried to ignore them and hang out with the other relatives.
My Mom Approval Seeking and Perfectionistic. My Dad was the other 3 combined.
Sadly, I was Reactive and Approval seeking. Still healing.
These videos have shown me what a failure I am as a mother😢but I realize how damaged I am from my childhood
My dad was 1, 2, and 5, and my mom was 3, and 4 and 5. However, the critical and perfectionistic parent have stuck out most because I still have problems with my weight due to my moms criticism and even at work I struggle putting myself to such a high standard that I can't reach.
I don't want to pass my trauma on. I need to watch this.
I'm 7 seconds in and I can put a checkmark on all of the above. 😐 Thank you for the information!
thank u for the work ur doing
Ok.
Dad: mostly reactive and perfectionist.
Mum: mostly critical and approval seeking.
Me: I feel quite broken. Have worked on piecing me together over the years and, if you take a cursory glance or look from a distance, I mostly appear whole; but when you get close enough, you can see through the gaps of the bits I haven't managed to find.....
Thanks for posting your content Dr Lepera, truely.
Can an individual parent be any of the other 4 and also reactive? There was a lot of screaming in my home.
I got all 5! BINGO!
Is it possible for one parent to fluctuate through multiple types? My birth mother was a bit of each...which is sad.
But my parent seems to get along with my siblings. Or maybe they just take it better than I was able to. They are so much like our parent, snicky, deceitful, lying, gossiping, unpredictable actions.
I moved away as soon as I could; they say I'm the black sheep.
My stepdad 4 & my Mom 1 & 5 they both had dysfunctional childhoods like me from an Alcoholic Biological Father he was a 2. He also had a single parent to raise him started drinking at the age of 11, he was also a workaholic died at the age 41! From Cirrhosis 😔
I had them all. And it scares me that I most likely have done bits and pieces of the same to my child😢. Because I learned from them… they were my parents…
My parents got 2, 3, and 4 covered between the two of them. With so many ways to be bad parents I guess they just couldn’t choose. 🤷🏻
My mom was the reactive and somewhat disconnected parent. Yet I have become reactive, and can see a bit of the perfectionist parent in me as I’m terrified of failure and I’m slightly approval seeking as at times I rely on my children for emotion support in my relationship. Yikes
Is it possible for a parent to be both reactive & critical ?
Yes
I had a mixture of several traits among this with my parents.
My parents are both all of the above.
My mother has all of them, unfortunately. Meanwhile my father I would say Disconnected and Critical. And now I realize, although I'm not a parent (yet), I check all of these boxes with all the people around me. Especially in close friendships and romantical relationship. How do you heal from it? 😢
Can you have a parent with predominant style with a secondary style? Seems to work better for me. My mom was disconnected most of the time (food and shelter parenting) but she could be reactive and neurotic. She used TV and cigarettes to disconnect from life and ignore issues.
My MIL is a mix of 1 and 5 to an extent, and I am really struggling. I am seeing a psychologist on how to set boundaries.
My parents are literally all of them😮 9:07
I experienced all of these 😣
my parents are 90% #1 & #2 to a tee and the rest is somewhat #4 & #5. I wish I didnt have to be so terrified of their reactions and constant disdain for me trying to live my life and be myself. id do anything to have an invisible emotional shield so that they can never get in my head.
Wow, a mix of all of those
My dad was hardcore 1, 3 and 4. God, I wish he was 2!
Edit: Dang, my mom is definitely 5 due to the inappropriate venting and advice seeking from a young age.
Yikes ! I definitely see my parents in these, but in turn, im ashamed to say i also see myself in some. I have just one child. And ive been on a personally development journey for 10 yrs . Everyday i try to do better. But how do i become emotionally MATURE ? I sometimes feel my child is emotionally from me and i know its my fault but how do i change it ?
All the above.
all of the above. how can this be?
Waouh! Thank you so much for these explanations. I had a mother in the first category, a father in the second, and I ended up being on the 2nd category...marrying a 1st category sort of man!. How do we heal?
My mom was a solid 4/5.
Bingo! What prize do I win for all 5 in just one of my parents?