Leading Vs Controlling: What A Man Leading In A Relationship Looks Like - RLS
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 20 ธ.ค. 2022
- "How Do I Know If My Partner Is Being A Leader vs Being Controlling?" Ep.32 - Real Love Scenario
Dre IG: @itsdresmith - / itsdresmith
Rhonda IG: @rhonicakes - / rhonicakes
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This is why women can let some men lead; these men make you feel safe. It is safe to let him lead because he has your best interest in mind. A leader also knows when to seek help as well.
Preach good sir! He understands the assignment! 🖤
Has your best interests in mind + treats you like a whole person who is allowed to have a say in decisions that are made
Leadership is service
Leadership in relationships is generally leading by example and taking initiative in the areas where you can. If what you are doing yields positive results and is enviable, people around you will logically follow if they are so inclined. It takes a lot of restraint, patience, understanding, and confidence to let things fall where they may.
Many people are not leaders, they are bossy, selfish and uncooperative. They also get off on dominating others and being authorities and above them, which is unfortunate because most people do not enjoy having that yielded over them, especially women.
Preach...I felt every word of this!
And then you learn a new lesson in sharing and letting go as you make room for those who have followed your example but are sure they can do it better! 😉
That is correct that a lot of men do confuse simply being bossy and dominating for the sake of being putting them in their place. You said women especially women. Why would you think that or even think that at all. It is simply not true. When you are in the relationship women typically ask men for advice because to be attracted to them they must see them as valuable desirable and somebody that makes you feel safe. Women that try to change the rule in the relationship and dominate over her man by disrespecting him or going as far as cheating and lying are simply toxic. They never valued you just the way you made them feel when you were around and did things for them. Women need to let men lead and be men. I feel like men are way more accepting to women being in need of assistance and or feeling safe than women are with understanding what men need because society says women should not be submissive anymore.
@@Cantdisrespectoremasculatemeun women are just like men, they are attracted to men physically. men, becasue so few can reach the bar in that area have been trying to make female attraction about everything else so they can have a shot. Women have to end up having other criteria they put in place to measure men on another level to choose mates cause most are unattractive on a primal level but that does not actually equate "attraction" They are settling. Women will actually pretend to like men that have and do stuff they need but when they ovulate go smash the attractive dude in an unconscious effort to reproduce higher on the totem pole... Leadership actually makes men feel more safe than women, its all about the male ego, most men are not fit to lead themselves and women just play along to humor men to get what it is they want out of them. They have to go behind the mens back and move things around....
A leader allows for open communication and sharing of ideas. You are right, a leader is empathetic. A leader walks the walk and talks the talk. A servant leader is key. A leader knows that he doesn't have expertise in everything and allows room to accept other's ideas. A leader is not selfish. A leader does out of love. A leader thinks before they speak. A leader is a visionary, inventive, and sophisticated in their ideas. Anything other than this, is a controlling person.
💯
Empathy is crucial, but sometimes people don’t always know what that means or looks like because there are different forms of empathy. The golden rule is always a good foundation, but that’s where most people stop with their empathy. I would argue a better form of empathy is the “platinum rule” in which you treat others the way *they* want to be treated because not everyone wants to be treated the way you would want to be treated. Having a genuine understanding of their wants and needs from their own perspective is important. And then communicating and compromising between your different perspectives for the best interest of both of you as a team in the relationship.
0:51 💚💜 “takin care of the people in your charge” Thank you 😘😘
Love this interview! Greatest comment ever! Leadership is not about being in charge! Leadership is about taking care of the people in your charge!
A breath of fresh air. Once you date a man who thinks like that and break up with him you never date just anyone. You are bound to be picky, preferring to be alone instead Cause refreshing men are rare. MOST PEOPLE ARE CONTROLLERS NOT LEADERS!
Most men turn around and say women do not want to be led. True, there are women like that but mostly it is resisting "controllership" not leadership.
exactly
That was the best definition of leadership I have ever heard. I've been through military leadership academy and he just summed it all up in 1:50. 💯
My husband led us into debt, sins, his way of needing everything, strife, abuses, neglect, exhaustion and harm. Told me as a woman I was 2nd rate and to shut up. He wanted a maid, cook, nymphomaniac, babysitter, and accountant while he ran around STILL on me. Our sick, twisted, perverted society trained him and encouraged him to be that way. And when I didn't want to live anymore under a boot or in life, he blamed me and took everything from me in a divorce. People can be cruel, yet inspite of that this helps me see good men exist, and I hope they're not all taken. Thank for being human.
This is the scenario women are groomed to want.
I had to be in a respectful relationship learning to give and receive respect before I had any concept of what a leader should be. Being of authority I must first be under authority that's based on respect not fear cohersion or intimidation. Some get it some don't. The Savior "marveled" at one man who got it so much so it was put in Scripture for generations to see.
Can I double like this! Such a humble person. Love
Wow. I’m so grateful for this. On a huge level after what I just experienced over the course of 2 years. The polar opposite of his good leading advice. Crazy lack of empathy and when it was all finished he did verbally share almost word for word that he requires control and obedience over respect and love. I’m trying to fuel myself up with some better discernment next time. Cheers to healthy leaders ✨🙌🏼
Some people are getting it twisted so THANK YOU!
The difference between Leading and Controlling is Controlling someone is dictating all your moves what,when,How…Leading is wen you dictate OUR moves the things we do together Me and you type Shit
Yeeesss...bingo...it's a vision and purpose a woman is being led to...u got it 👍🏽
This needs more views!! I guess this is a message ppl not ready to hear yet. Happy holidays y’all ❤️🎄
Almost everything said here goes both ways, for whoever leads but also for who is being led. So ultimately, very very few things in this clip where about leadership. Additionally, a good leader sometimes IS controlling because it literally means TAKING CONTROL. Which is sometines necessary to achieve the larger goal of making the whole team (whole family) successful and have a good time, rather than just one member.
And in those moments, they can and should stil be ampathic, if course.
@@AKARazorback u felt the need to comment twice?
One of the best thing I’ve heard in a loooooooon time! Kudos to you 🙏🏽
I think controllers say they are sacrificial. They do everything they do though to get what they want. Their way of caring for others is by controlling them because they believe they are the hero to be followed and other ideas are obviously dumb ideas.
What a toxic victim comment... Almost everything said here goes both ways, for whoever leads but also for who is being led. So ultimately, very very few things in this clip where about leadership. Additionally, a good leader sometimes IS controlling because it literally means TAKING CONTROL. Which is sometines necessary to achieve the larger goal of making the whole team (whole family) successful and have a good time, rather than just one member.
And in those moments, they can and should stil be empathic, of course.
.7.8 😅@@AKARazorback
This one really hit home from me. I feel like it is not necessarily a both ways thing but it can be it's just typically not. If you're going to sit there and say it's a dumb idea you are more than likely very close-minded. I don't know what happened in your past relationships but you need to understand men have needs just as much as you do. Think about the very beginning of the relationship when you committed to each other and everything that he did for you and how appreciative you were. Just simply by following they are the hero that simply should be followed. If someone is more qualified you would take their opinion into much more consideration. Just think about this in times of crisis and he comes and he helps you and everything works out you don't stop him from coming in and fixing or taking control of the situation to help you. Also think about the last incident where you were simply refusing to listen to what he was telling you or listening to his advice and simply not taking it seriously. As a man who has experienced going from the respected leader to being disrespecting any masculated daily. It's an everyday thing just in the small things even. Think about how awful it is to be treated like that as the man in the relationship. I hope whoever you're with seize this and considers why he's with you and why he might need to run
@@Cantdisrespectoremasculatemeun
Hey, I really appreciate your thoughtful response. I grieve over all that was lost and I acknowledge my faults and failures. I wish he would have too, and I would have stayed and we could have worked it out. I have had to forgive myself. Yes there were times he fixed and took control and I was thankful but I couldn’t trust him. He would start a fire, then exit and run in a different door as the hero to put out the fire he started… a controlled burn. So much there but really… control is necessary but not without love, that’s a dictatorship
I made the mistake of following a controller. I spent my life telling girls guys are using them, and I got punished so hard, it happened before he even kissed me. That’s bad.
Love this! There is a line between leading and controlling. And knowing how a man defines leadership (I really like the airplane/flight scenario Dre used) is KEY!!!!!
I never comment in videos fr but this spoke to me in so many ways.
Thanks for tuning in!
I like the airport example, big ups for sharing this
thank you guys, really blessed by this
Damn this was good. I was single for 5 years before my current relationship and anything before that 5 years was young puppy love or lust so this feels like my first real relationship and that mindset shift for a man is serious. I’ve had to stop & reevaluate so many things that I did naturally on my own because now that I’m in partnership you have to consider how what you do might affect someone else. Changing your ways and habit breaking isn’t easy but I see how it’s necessary to not be stubborn to the person you love
Almost everything said here goes both ways, for whoever leads but also for who is being led. So ultimately, very very few things in this clip where about leadership. Additionally, a good leader sometimes IS controlling because it literally means TAKING CONTROL. Which is sometines necessary to achieve the larger goal of making the whole team (whole family) successful and have a good time, rather than just one member.
And in those moments, they can and should stil be ampathic, if course.
I think men are being to nice about the leadership role we want to be inclusive but in reality its not a inclusive kind of role to begin with. Its often a lonely role and everything falls back on you if it goes badly. Often times you just need to trust the one leading can handle that role. You should only quistion when they fail badly or multiple times.
@@Lightflames85As a wife, if his decision affects my health and safety in negative way, and he can't address that, then I have to take necessary steps to protect my safety.
I chose someone safe, but they used what I needed against me. Now they will use My experience, to give 110% to the next girl, and treat her like a Queen. All my life, I’m the jumping off girl for love. I’m treated horrible by everyone. Never loved the way I deserve.
Live in the natural ORDER. Maybe, you'll get what you want and deserve. If how you're living is not aligned with the universe, this will always be your life.
MAAASSIVELY HELPFUL ❤ THANK YOU SO MUCH 🙏
Competence is important in leadership. Consistent competence builds trust. She (or employees) won't follow you if you seem or are incompetent, bumbling and fumbling things. They'll see you as questionable, and then start taking the lead themselves. Sometimes our ego will get the best of us, and we then switch to tyrant mode in an attempt to maintain power or control or just to save face from embarassment. But in the end, if you are bad at whatever you're responsible for, you'll fall apart. The secret to good leaders, is that they recognize their own strengths and weaknesses, and delegate the things that they are not good at to those who are. And delegation doesn't mean the opposite of leadership.
If you're woman is great at cooking and caring for the kids, no need to take that away from her. Delegate those responsibilities. And this assumes you can do this without putting stress on your woman. Which means, you're bringing to the table the resources, finances, and planning of the bigger picture for the family. But if you're not doing those things, she's just going to feel stressed out and also feel like she's doing all the work and start feeling like you're a fake leader.
The traditional breadwinner husband and housewife roles were based on this balance. It wasn't repression of women. But we can't go back there, so what we can have now is a new kind of hybrid system. Both men and women can take on both roles of caring for the kids, as well as both roles of providing resources. But the danger in that is the "leader" becomes a mystery, and no, you can't have a 50/50 partnership. Just like you can't have two leaders with competing visions. You can, and should, contribute everything you can, but one person should be better at guiding the big picture. And that's an important job. If it's not the man, it can be the woman.
Of course, the traditional system is really an intelligent one because women have maternal instincts that kick that help tremendously with caring for babies and kids. This is why even in 2024, we see women handling the majority of childcare in the home. It's not "social programming" - it comes with the hormones, pregnancy, body changes, nursing, and distinct personality differences between men and women. It's not weird, it's natural.
In the same way, the leader should be the man. Because women have a tendency to want to feel safe, while men have a tendency to want to contribute in ways outside of direct childcare such as nursing. Men actually can have the time, and the interest, in planning for the family long-term. He can tap into his logical system that isn't full of emotional whims, and think about objectively the best way to move the family forward into the future. And the woman can tap into her strengths of emotions to manage the complicated feelings of growing children. This is a good strategy overall, which takes advantage of men and women's strengths. Trying to equalize it even with a lack of skills involved is like a woke ass company with diversity hiring requirements that ultimately has a bunch of incompetent people doing the wrong tasks and going bankrupt.
But in the end, the most important thing as the leader is that the people you lead trust you, and also, are not radical feminists who believe that men with power are all inherently evil. They should be willing to follow, happily, because it takes a huge load off their mind, of fears and anxieties, because you provide that bedrock as a man, proven, time and time again, to be consistently stable and leading the family in a good direction. But if you have a wife who questions your abilities, your decision-making, and constantly shows that she doesn't trust you, the relationship is going to crash in a blazing fire, just as if you had a co-pilot on an airplane who was constantly arguing with you, trying to take control of the aircraft, causing it to go out of control completely and crashing.
Men who prefer not to lead should find women who are strong and capable of leading them. And those women should feel good about leading, and not complain in reverse that they wish they didn't have to do the leading out of necessity. Because if they want that, they should find a good leader. But like with many people and the jobs they have, they will likely complain no matter how good the man is (or employer is) because that's just their nasty personality. They believe the grass is always greener on the other side, or they believe they deserve more than anyone is willing to give them.
Men should work on gaining the competence to lead. This means having strong finances. This means knowing what it takes to navigate relationships, and not have mental issues. This means being able to call out B.S., having strong boundaries, and refuse to be manipulated This means having a clear idea of what a stable, good family looks like and how to build one. It takes a lot of work to do all of these things, because leadership is hard. But just as a passenger on a plane who wants to get to their destination without dying, it's the responsibility of the leader to make sure that happens safely and even better, comfortably where the passenger is fully satisfied. You want to satisfy the passengers needs, but not at the risk of crashing the plane by listening to the passenger's every whim which can include crazy ideas like opening the emergency door for some fresh air. Tell her no, when she says she wants a break or an open relationship. The "fresh air" will crash the plane, every time.
I’m 68 and learned something today. Thanks😊
Thank you, you just answered so much of my questions of what it means to lead for me "Leadership isn't about taking charge, it's about taking care of the people in your charge". Yo thank god for the internet, I'd be without rolemodels if it weren't for it man 🙏
I feel The same but I feel it left out what it means for the woman to allow him to lead instead of trying to take that position
This is beautiful 👏👏❤️❤️
I did this maybe twice in my 20's with a lady who dated for 3 years and I just stop talking and I hope she gets the message, I didn't feel bad at all but later down the road I did feel bad a little
Why does anyone want to lead so much in a love relationship ?
It has to be a partnership
Partnership and leadership are not mutually exclusive. Someone will naturally take the lead
Thank you 🙏
I dont want a leader i want a partner .
How to be empathetic , you get understanding of things the truth about ppl about whatever it’s about understanding
Damn.. This was an eye-opener!.. I can relate.. Putting myself in her shoes, I should have some better!.. 💯
Transitioning from childhood to adulthood could be a dangerous transition when you meet someone and the two of you are not on the same page. If would have had a daughter, I would want her to date after she graduates from college. Now I’m not saying college would be a requirement, but maybe the man she falls in love with won’t be a controlling psycho. I knew I had no hesitation to leave my area because I was always looking for something more. When you are in love, you will do flips for your man. I was so excited about leaving. Today, someone is trying to be controlling. I would never want a man that I’m not in a relationship with intertwined in my life. If we dated a long time, I could see it. People, friends and co- workers can be so hard on you when you are a professional and you have a bum trying to be a Mack daddy. I would never publicly humiliate myself for no man that doesn’t give me 200%. I never heard of a man that tries to control you (through technology - phone, computer, tablet). I’m looking a good man that can verbally communicate with me. I remember my last argument. We were communicating and vibing.
Every American man needs to hear this.
This!!!!❤
Awesome
Omg. A smart, attractive man with a nice body that’s not egotistical and also not gay? 😲 but, of course, he’s already marrriiiiiiied! 😭😭😭 Well, God blessed his wife. Yo this channel is bomb though. New Subscriber!
❤
We are here
Lol
First thing you need to be a Leader is God cuhz
My heart is breaking....been married 11 months and life is painfull with a controlling man.
He has to be in control.
😪😪😪
Well you never saw his controlling behavior before you married him? He just all of a sudden became controlling when you married?
@amerokeewiya1320 no, I saw it before but he always backed off....until we were married, then it started invading all sorts of areas in my life.
@@amerokeewiya1320 i did see it some, but it became extreme after we married. I should have seen the warning signs.
@@nancyleebushnell1304 Get out. Best of luck.
🔥🔥🔥🔥
He is describing partnership
Being a leader is understanding that everything falls on you, knowing that decisions must be made to be complete and task, and having plan for where you’re going.
Controllers play the VICTIM
Leading requires leadership skills. Relationships suck...be single, you don't have to worry about any manipulation or control.
🎯🎯🎯
Thanks for viewing!
My woman is my leader, she doesn't make me feel very cared for and I'd say she's the polar opposite of empathetic.
Hmm interesting, each one finds what works for themselves
Thats what happens when you let a woman lead a relationship. She cant be in her feminine that way and certainly doesnt respect you. dont let feminism fool you into thinking you can her lead the relationship. it will fall apart.
Ghost her. Time won't wait for you.
Thank you for making me click on this
Why would a grown person want to be led . you are not a child .
This is from a Biblical Perspective.
Taking carevof the people in your charge, like that, but in some cases you will as a leader need to be controlling, and this is coming from a United States Army veteran.
Question; Who is the final decision maker? Women dont struggle as long as they agree like watching you, You was fine in agreement but how about when we don't agree it's we still suppose to submit and trust our husbands leadership he the final decision maker
Most often decisions in a marriage are made in partnership, but when two opposing opinions are present it is the husbands responsibility to make a decision. This is not a "he's gonna get his way thing". Any husband who acts like that is not a good leader. A good leader/husband will ask himself "will the decision I'm about to make cause my wife to feel valued, understood, safe, loved, confident, heard etc." A controller will choose what he wants because it's safe for him, at the expense of his wife. When a wife sees that her husband consistently loves, cares for, sacrifices, views her as an equal, than during those times that he does need to be the "final decision maker " she will be able to trust him because he's already demonstrated selflessness, love and care.
While empathy is great it is not leadership. Leadership is being apple to make the tough calls. You can take other peoples feelings into account but at the end of the day its your call as a leader. If you can co pilot thats great (it rarely works well) but if shit gets real she most likely want you to make the call. You can't be asking her what to do in that situation she expects you to know what to do thats why she is with you because she trust your judgment over her own.
I just want to say that not everyone wants to follow. You can't judge ALL leadership by the result. It is possible for a man to be a great example and lead himself well and be around a woman who will not follow. It's not right to tell that man he's a poor leader. A good woman will not follow a bad leader. But a bad woman won't even follow the best possible leader.
No. Leaders don’t owe you anything
Lol, looks like your ego is in charge and you’re following. Fool.
1:11
Wrong!
The fact that you are responsible for the people in your charge means that you are in charge. You are the leader.
Leadership is not a responsibility to be challenged by the ppl you are in charge of. If someone within your charge is combative and uncooperative you're dealing with someone who doesn't trust you or see you as a leader and in many relationship with black women they want to be in the leadership position.
It's funny how these brothers get in front of black women and go full feminist mode with their perspectives and examples.
It's like they are saying you can be a leader black woman.
But real men understand women can't lead. They can delegate. If you want to count that as a form of leadership.
Women do not have the capacity to lead without the governance of men.
It's the same in a relationship between husband and wife. A woman is under the authority and leadership of her husband. Her power and authority is through her husband. This is why young men with a father in the home grow up masculine. If the male is only under the authority of a woman, he will grow up with emotional reactions instead of being rational and considerate.