Finding Love Isn't Easy: Understanding the Challenges of Gay Dating in the LGBTQ+ Community | S1 E4
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 4 เม.ย. 2023
- This week we talk about the trials and tribulations of dating in the gay community! Welcome to Happy Healthy Homo! A brand new filmed podcast hosted by Keegan Hirst and Joel Wood. Please rate and review us on Apple Podcasts, it'd really help us out: podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast...
Write to us: hello@happyhealthyhomo.com
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Twitter: @happyhealthyhomo
It’s really hard as a gay man because 90% of the guys I meet either just want to hookup or they want to drag you down the aisle after 4 months. It’s hard when you just want a partner who is at your pace.
and the rest already have partners
Literally met three guys this year and all of them wanted to get married…in my thirties but still chill outt
Clearly the marriage ready ones are among the 10%. In my case, .01
Gay men can't even do FWB relationships properly.
😢
@@pri22v11 show off. u need to get over yourself. u are obviously partner material. oh the hardships.
As a man who lived 50 years with the man of my dreams prior to his passing in 2021, I must say I find your pod casts to be spot on, interesting, and a valuable contribution to the LGBTQ community. Thank you. I am often asked to share my experience and "secret" to a long relationship, and your advice is exceptional. I live in a tourist area, and folks return year after year and many bring friends and ask me to retell my story; something I am always happy to do. I am an unbelievably blessed Gay male living in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.
❤❤❤❤❤ i would like to listen to your story 😢
How is that area in Mexico? Is it dangerous at all? Are there a lot of gay guys around? Just curious as a future option for myself to vacation or visit or even buy one day. I’ve always thought Mexico is beautiful but reluctant due to the cartel and government / lack of safety. Curious how you manage
3 important rules I learned when dating 1) Be yourself from the beginning 2) know what you looking for 3) move on from the outcome.
Possible topic when you do a podcast on relationships is on “Progressive Bias” where you make decisions that sustain a relationship rather than dissolve it.
🦄 🦄
If you don't know what you're looking for, and don't feel like you'll find out on your own because you feel like you kinda would have to feel it out like test things out how things actually make you feel, how are you to go about it then?
@@toni2309 my rules were learnt over time, trial and error. But I always knew what I didn’t want so that helped me figure out what I did want over time.
I remember Joel mentioning that he liked that Keegan was upfront right away regarding his life and boundaries. It’s better to be upfront so that people aren’t left wondering and or wasting their time if you aren’t on the same page with someone. That’s a good thing to do with any potential relationship. If you have specific expectations you can’t expect the other person to meet those if they are in the dark about it.
What's your advice for people who don't really know what they want yet and who don't have a lot of expectations, but are worried about others having hidden expectations?
Ugh u both are such a hidden treasure within the community, please continue posting episodes!!! 💗
I agree!! Hidden treasure!!❤❤
Hi guys lol…. I was the same as the both of you in some ways. After a 13 year toxic and abusive relationship. I finally got the courage to walk out and had next to nothing to show for it. I didn’t date for three years. As I wanted to get my life together first. Like Keegan I had a list of non negotiables and was up front about it. The more I dated the more that was added to the list. Well I met the one or as you guys said the unicorn. We’ve now been together 14 years, have our house, have traveled the world etc… life couldn’t be better. And yes communication is the key. But having personal goals, joint goals and aspirations gives direction and something to aim for. All the best to you both from Melbourne Australia.
Ty for sharing, it makes me feel hopeful. Glad everything ended up well for you, wish you the best.
Wow i'm really pleasantly surprised to see such mature, kind gay men out there! Sometimes coming across too many toxic gay men can make it seem all bad. But it's nice to know that there are genuine guys that actually want to make effort and know what they want! Finding a partner as a gay is quite challenging especially since many guys are going through a delayed adolescence and are hyper-sexual or they don't want to become attached.
Heyy hii here from india
As a guy trying to date, it is really hard to stay motivated to keep trying when you continue to be ghosted for one reason or another. All I want is someone who there is mutual attraction and love. Someone who makes me feel special even when I do not feel so special. Every day I worry about being out of shape as I get older because I prefer guys who are more physically fit and I see most of those guys with other muscular guys. It’s quite frankly irritating because as a person who works a full time job and a full time student, it’s hard enough to find time to just rest and relax let alone stay in the gym to push limits. At this point, I feel like all I can do is try to manage enough until I graduate and can carve out time again to start pushing limits again. Or maybe some handsome man will finally sweep me off my feet… idk
Nice foray into this often scary topic of dating and relationships. My takeaways (which I totally agree with) are (1) that It can take time, but you shouldn’t obsess about finding that perfect relationship, because that often puts too much pressure on the process. And (2) you should NEVER compromise on your principles, because that will never lead to anything that lasts long term. So, well done guys! ❤
The principle of sexual racism/
I'm so glad that you are speaking out about this. I had a list, too! We've been together for almost 20 years now.
The problem is when you get chatting to people these days online it is like filling out a job application form or applying for a mortgage! At the age of 48 i would rather be on my own then have to go through all of that process to get a date.
Recently discovered this podcast, and I am so grateful I did. It's really well done and touches upon such important topics. In the future I would love to see an episode on shame and guilt which seem to be pervasive in the LGBTQIA community. That, and maybe age shaming or big age gaps. Keep up the amazing work!
Joel is a unicorn! He's a keeper. Can't wait to hear your more specific chats on this topic. Eg, navigating the dating mess that is apps. How to not ghost someone when you know they aren't right for you, or worse, when they are becoming problematic. How to avoid the scams (friend lost $40,000 to a guy who she was chatting with on the dating app who was "helping her get to her financial goals" after securing her trust thru the loving caring interactions). And I know there are so many other types of scams on there.
Good ways to get thru the first secund and third parts of dating apps as a gay person when there's often too much focus on pushing toward sex, but you want to flirt, but avoid the type who end up only wanting a hookup
Another GREAT show guys! Speaks so much to dating today and how important it is to make that list. Can't wait for the continuation on this topic.🥰👍
Hi Joel and Keegan - this was great 💫and I sent it on to a much younger friend of mine who is struggling with dating. You both made some excellent points. I'm kinda like Joel in that I believe the Universe can bring you to the right one and he to you but you have to put yourself out there. 👍🏼In my dating days it was IRL 😅 but I did try apps as a mature man just to see what they were like. 👀Well done for you both and I wish you many happy years together. I think you could save relationship topics until you've had more of a relationship and I will look forward to those. For now, this is a great start and thank you.❣
I'm one of those gay men who never experienced a long term relationship or have many gay male friends I can relate to. It's sad to say being a gay man is hard, and its hard to be motivated in a sea of ppl and being lost.
Loving what y'all are doing! Applicable to all walks. Would love to see these topics teased out a bit, longer form or topic series. ✌️
i haven’t had much relationship/dating experience, maybe it’s from a fear of rejection (or a pathological fear of being hate crimed) but the few times i have met someone i’ve almost always been ghosted. it’s just led me to think clearly something is wrong with me since no one can be upfront when they lose interest and that, for me, there’s no real reward for the effort of getting to know anyone.
Excellent conversation today guys. Loving your down to earth personalities and perspectives on our differences in the gay community. As a father of 3, closeted and heterosexually married for most of my life I would love to share my journey with you someday. ❤
Love this podcast and looking forward to hearing every week now!!
Really enjoying the podcast and looking forward to how things develop with it. One honest bit of feedback that I’ve noticed, and you’ve probably noticed it too in post, is Keegan fiddling with the mic wire/stand has a provides a bit of noise when listening. Doesn’t spoil, but it’s a bit odd in the headphones 😂
Good conversation fellas! For me I find the best to navigate dating in the gay world is just to kind of adopt a hybrid approach to how you meet and interact folks. One way is not set in stone to another so whether you decide to meet people through apps or just randomly in real life I think both options can breed valid relationships. For myself, whenever I feel like I am having trouble navigating what I like to do is really reinforce self love and feeling okay being single. I think for a lot of gay men it is common for us to experience lack of male acceptance from our peers especially if we present more feminine from an earlier age. So for a lot of us, meeting someone who is attracted to us wants to spend time with us is really good because perhaps our fathers or brothers or best friends never gave us that sort of guidance and joy from being around like minded guys. Add sex into the mix, and guys like myself are just running around like fishermen trying to catch anything that bites. But the reality is we have to find satisfaction in ourselves and realize that being happy takes effort. You can’t exactly date anyone if you are not happy on your own so I think for a lot of the LGBT community especially here in the USA, it’s about finding ourselves and letting things happen naturally. But this world is big and I don’t think meeting people from apps is a catch 22 either. It’s like you have stated you have to set boundaries never settle and always remember you will be happy on your own. Then when somebody does come around they will be like a bonus to your already happy life!
As usual guys - Love it, love it, love it. Always been bi but lived a hetro life, married twice - divorced from first and widowed from the second and now living as a gay man. I’m not actively seeking a bf but if one comes along then so be it. Just love living the gay life and being amongst queers 🏉🌈🏉
I love how honest you both are.❤
Sooo relatable in the lesbian community as well, love the podcast gents ! X
So relatable in the hetero community as well 🙂🙂... you rarely find such a healthy relationship in straight community...love to listen and watch these two!!
I don’t remember where I heard this comment on relationships, but it certainly seems accurate: Relationships are like a fart; if you have to force it, it’s probably crap.
I needed this when I was in the dating scene years ago. Very helpful and interesting information. GREAT JOB!!!!!!!
I'm new here! I'm happy I found you guys. This resonates! I'm single and in my mid-30s 💚
Great show guys and very informative and it speaks for all sex orientations. ❤❤❤❤❤
Love the content! It may help with something playing in my head for awhile! Have a friend who has become very close over time and now thinking he may be wanting more but worried if I have read him wrong!
I surely do like the way you both think about dating etc. And so glad that you found each other. Looking forward to the next installment.
Absolutely happy for them
There is a way to be tactful, when you don’t feel the same way. I have only said this twice in my whole life, “Thank you for saying that, I appreciate that. But I would rather be friends and I don’t want to lie to you and make you think otherwise.” Unfortunately, if people don’t want to be ghosted and they say their feelings, then you have to be honest. But then, I have had the same thing back at me, I know it’s not a nice feeling. As long as someone is not going to be a capital A, then it’s up to the person in how they deal with it, as you the said person is only saying the truth, while trying to be aware of someone’s emotions, as that is the most important thing.
A great chat as usual. I think you need to revisit this topic again later. I’m currently on Bumble and Hinge, I’ve paused hinge because I’m not having any luck.
Bumble is better, I have more likes and conversation even though it’s fleeting. What is very frustrating is people will like me and we will match but won’t say anything after. What’s the point of liking me in the first place. Now I think it’s me but I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, it’s so annoying.🙁
So interesting - can't wait for more :)
Love the podcast and your insight.... You guys are awesome......
Loving the podcast guys xx it's applicable to all xx
Love you guys. You are such great role models. Big hugs, Jamie
Been with my Husband 28 years now, living on a small horse ranch. Happy at home and travelling around with the animals. I garden and he rides. Very happy
Great show really fun and informative your a fantastic team
Phew, the bit about potential & the well/$20 really struck a cord. My last relationship lasted 11 years... I never found water. It was extremely toxic (and mentally abusive), but I kept telling it would get better when.... I'm not sure I'll ever put myself out there again after that experience (which is sad because I love love).
@@josephlawson1960 It was great for the first several months. Once they had me "under their spell" is when things changed. I finally was able to break free 11 years later. Gaslighting, love bombing, & manipulation are real REAL.
I feel like if you're good looking and fit then the numbers game is a lot easier. I've been single now 3 and half years and have been on and off Tinder, Hinge and other apps several times and I hardly get anything. I constantly swipe and I just seem to get the spam and scammer accounts. i am a bit of a romantic and wish that meeting in person did still happen but it's not as easier as someone with a visual impairment.
Hello from Barbados!
From a population of ~300k, subtract half as females, then the elderly, the minors, the straight ones, and you end up with such a tiny dating pool. Add an overall conservative culture, and you learn pretty early that app dating is your best bet. (And this is with 80% of profiles being blank.)
It was pretty hard to keep some standards that you know you should, but miracously it worked out 😅.
Iconic we all love it and your smiles sending love from a new Zealand gay
Look, part of me feels like some of the metaphors deployed in this chat were a bit laboured, but another part thinks - is there anything much nicer than being called another's unicorn? More seriously, I think this (and the concept of HHH generally) is constructive and I hope it finds its proper audience. I wonder if gay/straight/other dating scenes aren't increasingly much the same now as stigmas continue to fall away and technologies level and normalise the dating forums, but I might be wrong about that. In any event, I wish both of you much success and happiness in all aspects of your relationship. Go well. 🙂
Dateing is not like applying for a job love and dating are always emotional work and job hunting are logical and mental
How did you two meet? Was it a business encounter or social media? For Boomer generation, prior to the internet, the choices were either business or bar socializing. As for myself, I found most bar encounters (one off) or toxic short and long term. I gave up in favor of stability both financial and emotional. Advise from Father was, learn to live with one-self before trying to live with others.
Keegan said that he was initially trying to put Joel off on their first date so would like to know when/how/why his view changed ? I’m not sure about the set of requirements for a partner as I have found that your heart dictates who you fall in love with, even if you don’t immediately have that connection. I’ve found that relationships/love grow as time goes on.
None of this applied to me but then being older it makes it much much harder
a good start to the topic of conversation. Keegan putting on that American accent was so d guys
Great podcast!
Trully , it's so hard to find love in the gay community.. Only a few wants serious monogamous relationship nowadays , sad truth 😔😔😔Im new to your channel.. i love your contents .. very interestimg topics, would definitely watch your others videos.. keep posting videos 👍👍👍👍
Dating is hard overall, and dating via apps brings a whole host of other issues. People communicate differently on apps, people have different expectations of what they’re getting from the app and what they want from a guy, and also there’s the issue that you haven’t actually met them, so you fill in the gaps yourself and can get disappointed when you actually meet. For example I’ve never dated a guy off Grindr that hasn’t said they expected me to be taller (5”9’s on the profile), and I’ve met guys who can talk brilliantly online but can’t talk at all in person. And there are people who manipulate online, fake edited or very old photos for example.
But it can be done. My partner and I met on Grindr, and this will be our 8th year together.
And when we first met he also said he thought I’d be taller 😂
I've never interpreted "look after yourself and be physically fit" as "just like going to the gym so we can go together" like I go to the gym 3 x a week but I don't have the aesthetic of someone who does so when I see that phrase I'm not going to see "I just want to go to the gym with someone" I would see "be an Abercrombie and Fitch Model or jog on"
A gym buddy by contrast might make me go "ah ok that might be something we can do together"
Love you guys
Thanks! Studio Fund…more please.
Aw thank you so much Colleen! That's really kind and we'll put it straight into the studio fund!!
You guys inspired me.
Thank you - you inspire us! 💛💛
You've been living together for three months, since 14th January.
You both are so cute, sweet, beautiful, fun, & adorable
Can we talk about the rudeness that occurs if you're in a club and if someone you meet eyes with does not find you attractive they will be so deliberate in their movements away from you? Sometimes accompanied by a look like you are something they've trodden in?
Maybe they’re shy? I’ve done that myself, I try to act like I’m not interested but I really am, just that I’m much of an introvert/shy type of guy
@@jonatangonzalez5557 maybe....it looks too "deliberate" if that makes sense though
❤❤ your show
It’s nice seeing you guys together and you make some good points but you really only scratched the surface. You both would be considered highly desirable in the gay scene, attractive, high status masculine etc. You have to imagine that if it’s hard for you imagine how hard it is for the vast majority who are only average looking etc. Also I feel like you completely missed why dating apps don’t work, the paradox of choice, the disposability of people on these apps etc. I know you weren’t trying to get super in depth but yeah just putting that out there.
7:42😂😂😂 cracked me up😂😂
I'm a shy 38, black chub with know friends. I find it hard to find love, never been in a relationship 🙁
Let love find you… online is hard-work !
Keegan's calfs are huge !
The way you two said “Lovers.” >>>>>>>>>>>>>
I can't be the only one getting Robert Webb vibes from Joel. In a good way, of course. He's very likeable.
Hahaha I get that a lot!
i literally do not and have never lived in this world of getting dates.
Lads this is a personal problem (mine), but can you wear different pants or jeans please, the colour I mean.
Dating is significantly harder for gay people compared to straight people. Biggest reason being is we live in a world that is 90% there isn't many of us and options are limited whilst our standards are high. I'm 33, almost 34, never kissed anyone and still a virgin and every guy I've liked have all turned out to be straight, I was in love with a dude for 5 years but he is straight and struggled to come to terms that it was never going to happen. I don't find most gay dudes attractive, most dont have any affect on me, I swear UK doesn't have the best of options. Love does'nt come to you when you're gay, you really have to immerse yourself in the LGBTQ community and I've never really felt part of the community and online dating feels forced. I'm not going to be PC, but looks are important, its not one or the other, you can have both looks/personality, if there is no sexual chemistry then the relation isn't going any further. I wish there was an alternative way we gay people can meet each other that isn't through an app or at the bar
So your not attracted to any gay men at all or just not the loud and proud guys like this th-cam.com/video/qFA-qHfU49Y/w-d-xo.html ?
@saeefa Basically, if you're not into casual encounters but are looking to make meaningful connexions, the gay world can be very alienating and depressing. Is there an Lgbt community centre where you can get involved and participate in some of the activities or join some groups?
The people who are there are generally looking to connect with other lgbt people and make new friends. As opposed to the bar scene, which tends to attract those who are just looking for s*x and hookups - nothing very deep. Could this be an option for you?
Was Keegan on an episode of First Dates? I believe I remember him on there (watching from USA). I think the date he had was soooo into him and the show really pushed him being a rugger and he had zero interest in the guy at all.
He was in a realtionship at the time with his former boyfriend before Joel. He appeared on the show for clout only and publicity.
🖖
The Keeg's arms are huge.
Devil’s avocado 🥑 🤣🤣🤣
Too often do I get my hopes up for a guy when it turns out that all they wanted was my body 😁
Took her down to pound town! 😂
Trying to find a decent, relaxed, chilled hardworking guy that’s settled, in a routine and lives a healthy lifestyle and looks after themselves and when I say looks after themselves just normal exercise, is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. I’m am 31 full time in finance, I do not have the time for non-structured and does not have their sh1t together at this stage. If I end up alone I end up alone so be it.
Well there you go. Not everyone likes to live in rigidity. Your best bets are someone within your job sector if job hours and structure are more important to you. It’s already there so anyone within it will be abiding by similar life as yourself or they wouldn’t be there still lol
omg Guardians of the galaxy lovers =-)
You two are a refreshing in gay as it's nice😊
You seem to say the 'L' word quite comfortably now
Hahaha!!! Devils Avocado!!😂😂😂 using that!
Hi both
If you want sex as opposed to a relationship then maybe apps should be separate apps for each this may help
Naaah. Tinder isn’t made for hooking up for the straights but that’s what they use it for anyway. The problem is a lot of guys don’t want to admit to themselves that sometimes they too just want some fun with no strings. So they have to pretend they are interested romantically, get the rocks off, and THEN ghost you as they ‘weren’t looking for anything serious’. The guys that are straight up with their intentions get called weird and sex hungry while the ones who are using a relationship ruin peoples sense of security as they just up and ghost. It’s terrible all round. Main problem people not admitting to themselves what they want and who they are
In not an ugly man but what's date I find the gays are well
Keegan`s mic is too hot and the bass needs turned down because he has a bassy voice.
I don't know a crap about gay dating! Well ok.. got a little bit app experience under the belt. Romantically? Zero. Thank you, fellow bros.
So many gay guys look at 'love' as high maintenance and bandage. So sad
its even more hard to look for a relationship when you're not muscular and doesnt have a big "d"
Keegan wearing those sweatpants is the reason I watched this all the way through 🤤
Ghosting just adds to the stereotype that gay men never grow up. Shame on you!!!
the self-aware alphas.
Hahahahahah, the alphas who are comfortable with themselves!
@@user-pf9wg9gc1q I love you.
There are gay men who date?
No lol
How do gay men actually feel about bisexual men?
I share on office with one - we are close due to being ‘outsiders’ but sometimes I feel - and this goes back to family - he will always put the wife ahead of a guy
@@MJ-qb5phSuprise suprise... this is exactly why gay men don't trust bisexual men. 9/10 if they prefer women even a little bit and had to choose between gay partner and a straight partner..... guess who looses out?? I don't trust bi men and never will. I've just known too many that act or feel exactly how you describe. Family first and gay men just don't factor into that tight knit clan model.
Not sure if many gay men are really ready to be thoroughly honest about that.
Don’t trust them lol
Keegan please stop playing with the mic boom 😳
You call yourselves boyfriends but I think partners is more accurate. How to deal with less sexual satisfaction in a relationship would be a possible segment of HHH.
Seek Jesus Christ,Romans 10 :9
Wouldn’t quite say it’s “healthy” to be “homo” lol
A really boring podcast
Real surface level on topics that no one wants to hear advice from an attractive couple on. Oh boy, if they think they had a hard time looking like they do, imagine if they knew how hard it was for everyone else lmao
Of course it's not easy, I mean with this nefarious attempt to normalize poly