How to Fix Your Scoliosis Permanently: A Brain and Movement Retraining Guide 2
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 29 ก.ย. 2024
- In this video, we're going to be discussing how to fix your scoliosis permanently using a brain and movement retraining guide.
Scoliosis is a condition in which the spine curves to the side. This can cause pain, difficulty breathing and even impair mobility. I've made this brain and movement retraining guide to help you fix your scoliosis permanently, by correcting the underlying conditions and causes of the scoliosis.
By following the steps in this guide, you can improve your spine function and mobility, and reduce your symptoms. Let's get started!
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My name is Taro Iwamoto. I'm a movement coach. I help people go from feeling overwhelmed, confused, and frustrated about not knowing their own body, what their body needs and how they should be moving, to feeling connected with their body, understanding their body and needs, and how to move in the best way possible for their own body from the inside out so that they can move with a sense of ease, comfort, and confidence! If this is you, I believe you will get lots of values from my contents.
When you start connecting with YOUR BODY and move slowly and pay attention to your body, you will start to understand YOUR BODY and optimal movement and posture for YOUR BODY from the inside out, in a way no one can understand. YOUR BODY only belongs to YOU. Only you can access your internal resources that is AWARENESS!
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Why is it necessary to sign up for the master class when it's free?
@@robertalenrichter so that I know who has signed up for the class :)
I could just...cry.😢 43...4 young kids and a lifetime of chronic pain
S curve scoliosis and hypermobility. Sooo much money spent on chiropractic care etc. And you have helped me identify my compensation movements in 2 videos. Immediately subscribing. Thank you ❤
So glad to hear it! You have everything you need within yourself, and it's a matter of learning how to tap into your nervous system, your potential to overcome limitations :)
I have watched the three videos and made the exercises and I am feeling the body more centered, I have my left side very weak and left foot cannot touch the ground with the heel first normally, for the first time I felt all the sole of my left foot touching the floor, I am very emotional because I fight every day with the center of my body. thank you very much.
very happy for you!!
8-26-24 @ 1:20 am. I am soooo excited to begin with these Workouts. I'M actually in mega tears anxious to begin. It's been YEARS since no pain. MANY friends ARE praying for me to finally be out of pain. Ahead of time..... I have tremendous faith and I so appreciate Him sending you to me.......Retired 33yr Dallas PD
Hi Taro
Thank you for this video and thorough instructions. Walking around was very interesting and I had virtually no discomfort in glutes and lower back which was a welcome relief!...then I had to do a bit of lifting and sitting for a while...and it's all back and I can't lay down to do the video a few times a day - once a day will be all I can fit in - maybe again at night too if I don't fall asleep :). I understand I need to practice this for a while for the retraining but I have a couple of specific questions.
1. What is the proper height for a chair at a desk ie should the knees be bent at right angles? or at what degree? I love you love the Muista chair it isn't in my budget so I need to use my office chair which never feels right.
2. What is the proper way to lift. I'm trying not to turn while lifting but that is a challenge since some of my spaces (eg the fridge or dryer) are in tight areas...or in the garden I can't be right in front of the item to be reached for/lifted.
Thanks so much!
Hi!
1. I prefer my hips slightly higher my knees when i sit on a chair in order to allow my hips to move more freely.
2. I have videos on this topic. You can search for "how to lift without hurting back" on my YT channel. The key is to differentiate hips from low back:)
I will certainly give this a try. I’m 71 and have scoliosis. Seems the most sensible style thank you. I do try and keep fit but lately have to lie every pm with the pain.
Taro, I revisited this exercise with an unexpected result. I have C-curve scoliosis, opening to the left (that is, big lump of muscle on right side, a sort of vacant space along the spine on left side.) When I lay on the floor, I could do the movement with my right leg, easy. But then, quietly, trying to slowly, deliberately initiate the movement on the left side, my brain was confused. It seemed to be saying, "Do what?" I had to go back to the right side to "learn" what exactly the right leg did--i.e., push down into the floor with the foot, etc. Then I would go back to the left side, and say, "See? Like that." This was a really strong experience of what you mean by "retraining/training the brain". I am now working on this every day. Yesterday, my kinesiologist made an intriguing observation: Looking at my back, he said, It's like the right side of your brain is not activating the muscles on the left side of your spine, especially those lower down, controlling the legs. So now I'm wondering (because nobody knows why or how scoliosis develops) whether it has to do with the brain just shutting down, or getting lazy! on one side. I am now going to try to find more exercises that specifically activate the left side, and to try to find other motions that the right side "knows" how to do and the left side doesn't. Also, ps, in doing the curve it was easier for me to curve to the right, AGAINST my C curve---Curving to the left (matching the C-curve), the ribs just tended to collapse onto the hips). Very interesting, eh? Thank you!
You're welcome:) One tip for learning movement is to practice your easier/more coordinated side, and get even better at that side, which can help your harder side learn from the easier side. Maybe you have been doing that already.
Very interesting, thank you for sharing. Good luck in your continued journey!
Wow that is fascinating! Food for thought for sure RE: the development/pathophysiology of scoliosis.
I’m 35 yrs out already from my surgery w Harrington rod placement. No physical therapy, nothing. Just now kind of starting to contend with all that has happened in my body. Looking forward to doing these exercises because rods or not, the biases still exist in my body & I ain’t getting any younger.
Really intrigued by your observation & plan to think of that as I start these exercises.
Wishing you much healing on your journey.
@@Drd7682 Starting to contend with all that happened in your body is a pretty big deal, congratulations on this embarking. Wishing you also the best on this journey.
Love your detailed instructions. You don’t rush and allow us elders time to think about what we are doing as our bodies respond. You are wonderful. Thank you for these videos. I cherish them 😊
Thank you!
Hi Taro, I've been doing just the first part: bent leg, lifting the hip. The difference between right and left is so dramatic (I have a strong scoliotic curve to the right), that micro movements have kept me fascinated--and kept me practicing it almost daily, just to explore this huge difference, now for several months. Suddenly, I notice that my posture is actually changing. I am shocked. It works. I now understand that "rewiring the brain" is not like rewiring your house. You have to do it gradually, with persistence---but, for me, the critical "sine qua non" is finding that aspect that fascinates. Fascination fuels persistence. I will be looking for other things/aspects to spark fascination. Thank you!
Hi Martha! Nice to hear from you:) Glad to hear you've been practicing consistently for several months! I agree fascination, curiosity fuels persistence that is not driven by goal oriented mindset, which leads to more open ended exploration and unexpected discoveries. Thank you for updating me on your progress:)
Micro movements is where it's at!!🎉
By posture changing, do you mean that your spine is getting straighter by following this video everyday?
@@kittylulu003 Hi Kitty, about doing the exercise and my spine changing: I stopped doing the exercise. My spine is more or less the same... so if there were effects, they lasted only as long as I was doing it. I will start again. Since then I have done two other things that seem to be helping, one is some powerful bodywork that is loosening the tight muscle on the right (convex) side. The second is a relaxation -breathing-muscle monitoring exercise, like this: I lie face down, with a folded blanket under my torso (so I don't crunch my nose). Relax. I then put my hands on my back and feel ... I try to breathe deeply into both sides, but especially the concave side. I then lift each leg, slowly separately, and feel which muscles engage. My idea is that relaxation plus breathing plus equalizing the muscles should help the spine untwist and glide back into Straight. Make sense? If you try it, let me know how it goes!
It feels like my spine has become straight after 2 videos of yours ,wonderful...
Wow, my non habitual side feels so much different and is so stiff and hurts. Thanks. I never felt this differential before. I didn’t know I had it.
Hi, Taro , I've had some problematic times recently. It first started with my right knee being very painful, couldn't climb the stairs, or walk down without severe pain. Tried your stretches such as clamps , both versions, and others, and I've had much success. Then my back went totally out of alignment with extreme pain. After doing the Brain and Movement retraining guide , I immediately felt an improvement. Thank you 😊
How amazing our bain and body are!
I practiced this exercise and i felt my whole body relax. Amazing.
When i stand up after sitting for a long time, my knees hurt. I can't walk. I move my knees as other health teachers teach. I does not work. But when i move my hips ( standing, holding on to the wall. ) according to the teaching of Taro, the pain go away and i can walk. Feldenkrais taught by Taro is the best. Thank you.
Thank you:)
Great sequence of videos, feeling a difference already , I can feel both my hips working on both sides equally while walking. I also am quick to notice if I’m leaning on my habitual leg and lean on the other to balance things out.
nice job of practicing and observing your body!
This was helpful! I find that once I'm up and starting the walking that repeating the floor exercise while upright: pushing through R heel to ease the R hip forward little by little, then gently and carefully shifting my weight to the L foot helps immensely. Spinal instability is a big issue with scoliosis (genetic or functional), and doing these exercises with my added modification helps lessen that instability. Thank you for these and your work! 🙏😊
This is incredibly insightful. My habitual moving pattern is definitely on the left. Doing the pattern with the right leg felt awkward. I'm really hoping to get some relief from the pain I always experience after walking for 20 minutes.
I didn't realise how wobbly this would make me by slowing everything down, my right shoulder has dropped so I'm leaning that way when I walk. This is good to practice. Thank you.😊❤
yes slowing down is a good practice for all of us:)
Love your videos. Have you ever worked with Dystonia in any form?
thank you! yes i have:)
@@TaroIwamoto i've been watching your videos for over a year and maybe I missed it if you've done one. If you haven't, I would love to see if there is anything you can suggest overall.
I have a form of dystonia that started with my respiratory muscles and now has spread throughout my body, shoulders, neck, and of course, the trunk and hips. I understand it's rare, but there are others out there that might benefit as well.
I I have used some of your exercises that help in other ways. Thank you 🙏
Edit: even the slow shoulder lift and relax triggers contractions and that is a big part of my problem. Muscle usage whether it be stretching or engaging triggers what looks like a combination of multiple sclerosis, and epileptic seizure even - though that is not the diagnosis, that's how it presents. and then the contractions lock down
Thank you. The slow motion walking sure did reveal where my weakness lies. Stitching on the floor with this exercise relieved pain. These are great exercises for scoliosis and it helped to see from the different angles to know what it should look like. Much appreciated. First time trying this and it's super helpful.
my pleasure!
I believe my pattern is to the left. My scoliosis is significant. I felt my body sway more laterally stepping forward to the right foot. I've torn my left labrum recently, and now my right knee is becoming painful. It feels like patellar tendinitis, but I think I'm totally imbalaced. I catch myself raising my right heel often when I'm seated. Hoping becoming aware of these patterns helps me. I'm continuing to strength train and exercise but like you say I'm probably reinforcing my habitual pattern and with weakness in one area then balances further perpetuated from my feet to my shoulders.
Hi Taro, Finally I find you! I have been in inner groin pain for over 6 months, and just don’t know what to do anymore. . Love your mind and body be connected instructions. Thanks
Hi! It's natural for us to focus on symptoms (pain, tension, tightness, weakness, etc) because that's only what we can notice at first. Symptoms are just what's on the surface, and what's not very clear and apparent is what's underneath, that's all interactions between the problem area (inner groin in your case) and all other parts. A good news is that everything is connected, so rather than trying to "fix" the problem area, if you start to improve the whole, you will change the relationship between your problem area and all other parts (you address the root cause), which will improve the symptoms! All my videos regardless of their video titles do that!
Can you do this exercise with healed lumbar spine fractures?
i think so as long as you dont have spinal precautions
After doing both videos I can feel muscles that apparently haven’t been activated in a while. I feel great and floaty. Thank you!
I enjoy and benefit from your exercises. However, my head falls forward as I am walking and I have not found the way to correct it. What would you suggest?
have you watched my other scoliosis video "Farmer's walk"? if not, I would give it a try. slow and conscious walking is much harder than you think, and can reveal your patterns:)
Thank you! I’m glad you have a solution and exercises for scoliosis! Please have more of these videos!
I have several videos on this topic. you can search for "Scoliosis Taro Iwamoto" in TH-cam search and will be able to find them:) Enjoy!
Can you do the same for kyphosis please?
this would be great for kyphosis as well. i have several videos on forward head, rounded shoulder, more common kyphosis posture on my Posture playlist
My right is my habitual. It doesn't feel that good feel too loose .
Doing my left side feels harder but that feels better to do.
Thankyou .
What about stenosis of the lower spinal column?
i would try to move more gently through a smaller range with this one and focus on improving smoothness of movement, not focus on range of motion. my video on how to lift without hurting back would be relevant to your condition
It hurt for me when i do for the right side. But after doing that I feel better. Maybe I should doing this repetitiously since my scoliosis is affect my body
this is really to retrain your nervous system so moving slowly and gently through a small range with your attention to your body would be great. You will get more benefits if you dont approach this as a stretching exercise.
Since i do not hold the microphone with the other hand, should i put that arm up, down, by the side? Thank you.
Never mind, I read your answer. Put both arms down. Thank you.
actually if you want one arm up, that will be fine as well:)
Will this help with Parkinson disease spinal problems?
retraining the nervous system and movement patterns can help anyone to improve their functions regardless of their conditions.
Thank you for the clear Clarifications. It makes big difference when knowing the idea behind the movements. I was able to notic the imbalance in walking and be with it .
Highly appreciated and thankful.
You're very welcome!
❤❤❤❤very define in every exercises rendered,tysm 😊
I know you had to hold microphone up, but was wonder do you keep both arms by your side with the exercise on the floor?
if i did not have to hold my mic, yes i would have had both arms down on the floor.
I hope you can answer this for me. I have a leg limb difference of about a half inch. One femer is longer. While not a huge difference it is what causes my scoliosis. Can it be fixed with these retraining exercises ?
fixing scoliosis from a perspective of functions, yes you can absolutely improve your functions, comfort, ease of movement in your body,
Thank you for taking the time to explain this method. It does work very well, repetitions is key😊.
you are welcome:) yes repetitions (with attention and awareness) is a key!
Whoa! I always new there's something up with my left hip and foot-falling arches- and everytime I go to the chiropractor, they're readjusting the same thing all the time... well now I can see why lol! After doing these movements and then the gait/walking test, I totally see where my left side is less stable ... this is nuts, thank you!
One question, do we just keep our breathing natural or are there any breathing techniques we should us in conjunction? Thank you!
i know what you mean, and how you feel exactly! This way of thinking is very different from conventional model. I was shocked when I first learned this way about my body and movement patterns years ago. There's a good reason why we present specific patterns and stay in those patterns, and there's a good reason why stretching, strengthening, massaging, adjusting alignments will have short term effects. That is because our nervous system is keeping us in the same habitual patterns. That's exactly what we want to shift!
In terms of breathing, breathing is a part of movement, and responds to movement spontaneously. Thus, when your movement is compromised, breathing becomes restricted. When your movement quality improves, your breathing quality improves. When I say everything is connected, I mean it! All body parts are connected. Movement, breathing, posture are connected. Body and mind are connected. I always pay attention to quality of breathing as I practice movement. If I notice breathing quality changes, I know that my movement quality has changed, so I can focus on improving quality of movement, which will allow me to breathe more freely. Does that make sense?
@TaroIwamoto yes that totally makes sense, like keep it comfortable and if it gets intense, back off... thank you so much!
Taro ,σε ευχαριστώ πολύ για τις ανακουφιστικες ασκήσεις!! Ήθελα να σε ρωτήσω επειδή μου αρέσει ο χορός στο τραμπολίνο αν επιτρέπεται να κάνω 10 λεπτά πριν τις ασκήσεις για ζέσταμα..έχω χαμηλή ελαφρά σκολίωση που την ανακάλυψα τυχαία.. περιμένω τις συμβουλές σου!!
Is it okay if I haven’t really figured out what my habitual and non habitual sides are from the first time doing those exercises?but i felt a relief ,that’s for sure
Hi taro… i have i mild scoliosis to the right but its in the upper part of the back(upper thoracic vertebrae). I have been doing everything to correct my scoliosis because it caused a lot of imbalances in my body from the gym, i even quit the gym for 1 year to focus solely on straightening my posture and building a better base so when i work out i feel good while working out and also prevent injury. I’ve done a lot of stretching, strengthening the back/traps and core muscles and even did nerve flossing in my left arm(because my left shoulder has less mobility than my right). And all of that did help but with these exercises i feel different in a good way. My question is do these exercises correct the curvature at all in the spine or do they just help you feel good whit the curvature you have if that makes sense. And if it does help with curvature correction will they help me with upper thoracic curvature and how important is consistency.
During the walking I'm finding that my right leg is very weak. Doing 'hip hikes' on a stair was suggested and seems to help a bit. I've been doing it for a few weeks now and the leg is still very weak. I'll see what your exercise can do for me. Thank you!
Please let me know how I can join the masterclass. Your videos are so informative.
You can use the link provided in the description or comments :)
Thanks- I'll try this and let you know.
my pleasure!
Do you think it can fix scoliosis fully? or at least reduce the curve? or just help handle the pain?
It is dramatic just how different the sides are. I am totally jammed up on the left side... can hardly do these movements the non-habitual way. Thank you, Taro. Brilliant as always!
Since I do this exercises I fell less comfortable in my habitual pattern
thats actually a very nice observation. This might lead you to a new option which will serve you better!
0:54
This exercise can fix
The scolioses ??or we need more exercise ! I don’t have pain but i need to fix the scolioses
I liked what you showed because I have scokiosis and I'm going to do the exercixex tou showed to train my brainto helpcontrol my scholiosis
I have been doing the other scoliosis exercise daily. Actually, I have been doing "small movements" in the three planes of spinal movement: curling forward and up; bending to the side; twisting. I think the first exercise here is like twisting, but with impetus coming from your foot rather than your spine, great! For the past two days I easily gardened for two hours each day, pain-free; a month ago I was aching after 20 minutes! Could it be due to these exercises?! I look forward to adding this floor exercise and the walking exercise to my daily routine. Thanks, Taro! (Also, I believe I now understand what "brain retraining" means. Brilliant.)
could it be bcause of these exercises? i dont know but i would like to think it is:) i would like to think because you retrained your nervous system!
@@TaroIwamoto Yes, I believe doing the exercises is the reason I'm having less ache. I also believe that my posture is improving incrementally. As for "retraining the brain", that part I can't say. But I enjoy doing these small movements-in-three-planes exercises. I can sink deeply into tracking the changes in the spine as I move. Fascinating, in the sense that my attention "fastens" onto what is happening. Every time I have 10 minutes or so with nothing to do, I do THIS! Cheers!
@@marthadahlen7237 The fact you are noticing less ache and improved posture is a reflection of the changes in the nervous system. Changes in your physical body mean changes in your nervous system as they are connected:)
What are you doing with your raised arm .., touching your head?
I don’t even understand nothing about scoliosis but I have a S curve can u help pls
Wonderful guidance!
:)
What about an s curve? Are these still useful or do they need to be adapted in someway?
Is this for both s and c curve?
yes
thank you, my habitual side is leaning my head toward the left.
I have a 'bent spine' no scoliosis however. Is that easier to return to normal?
I was in core class yesterday and I was frustrated as I was unable to do some of the exercises as my mind was telling me it had no idea how to begin coordination of my muscles to even begin some ofò the movements. The teacher did not offer an alternative instead she said there is a difference between having abs and not being able to use them compared to not having abs. Later she had the class focus inward and decide what to change by June. I wanted to improve my body and fatigue with 33 years of scoliosis right c curve. Then next day I found you and I did one movement with you and I got immediate awareness of the imbalances and tensions in my body. I feel more upright and correct my sitting because I am aware of my leaning and locked muscles that are there. I have now understood its not my body but my brain that has kept me this way and I feel tearful because it was a childhood trauma that I believe I processed by twisting myself and rejecting my body and now here I am rediscovering that I live in my body and I can teach my mind to retrain. I will share my journey. Thank you for your content
my pleasure! thank you so much for sharing your experience! yes please share your journey!
Whoa 🤯, very cool! 🙏🏻
enjoy:)
Merci à vous
Et surtout ,la relation entre la scoliose et le cerveau
Et comment on va la corriger
you're welcome! You don't really try to correct anything, and you allow yourself to explore and experience new patterns, and let your nervous system adapt without imposing correction. Then, the nervous system begins to move into new patterns.
Excuse me, having right hip slightly lower than the left hip, how to balance the hip? Is this also scoliosis? Thanks, God bless
This is great I will start following this movements.Im a physiotherapist.
Thank you for this video!!🔥🙏🏽
you are welcome!
Hi Taro
I was born with scolosis and have a C shaped left side lumber scolosis. The curve cobb angle is 40 degress. When l was young it did not bother me but since l reached the age of 62 l have been experiening a lot of pain. I tried physical therapy which did not help me. The doctor suggested 15:37 l get fusion surgery done 😢 which l want to avoid. Will flendenkrais help me get out of chronic pain and avoid surgery
Is thisokfor S curve also ?
Can this will work for kids too???
Left side is my non habitual
You’re a genius & great!! 😄👍
Very helpful. Thank you
These help me feel better. Thanks
my pleasure!
great coach!
Love this!
wow I can't believe how I never noticed how difficult it is for me to balance on the right foot without gripping
I appreciate your channel so much.
Scoliosis is not the problem of the spine, is it? All body parts are connected, and influence each other. Improving scoliosis means improving the whole. All these connections can only be felt and sensed and noticed by you:) glad you discovered something about your body!
Nice. May God bless you.
I've been "retraining" my brain for about a year with various modalities to overcome chronic pain. These videos were helpful in getting my thoracic area to start side bending again, which is a motion that has felt very stuck and painful for a while. The morning after doing these exercises, my mid back went into muscle spasm. I've had this happen before, and usually takes a few days to calm down. But I'm wondering if it was my brains reaction to "protect" the weak and stagnant area of my back.
I'm a 59 year old nurse and was formerly heavily into weight lifting and personal training. I stopped lifting last year due to back pain. I'm begining to think there was great benefit from all of those years of lifting in front of a mirror. I must have been unconciously correcting my posture/rotation based on my reflection. Things got much worse when I stopped lifting. My question is...should I do some unilateral training for a period of time to rebalance myself? (Left lumbar/right thoracic curves). Or should I do bilateral training paying very close attention to my allignment?
Somatic - lovely
i like you connect brain training to body training. i thing this is the core
movement retraining is nervous system retraining as the nervous system controls our movements:)
Hi Taro , just wondering if I should only do the non habitual side more than the easy side so that it becomes easier like the habitual side? In other words make the weak side as strong as the habitual side by training it more? Thank you for your wonderful work, very beneficial
you are an absolute genius
This is very sad. Obviously, you don't have scoliosis!!!!
Sir i have a back hump on my left side and I have 18 degree dorsal scoliosis sir thank you so much for your guidance
because of sciatica most things are very painful to do.
Would be great to learn more about strenhtening the transversus abdominus and everything connected to inguinal hernia.
Thanks!
thank you!!
Hi Taro, thanks for another helpful video. This really feels amazing! Can you please get a better microphone that lets you have both hands free? Thanks again!
My pleasure! The microphone is actually really good but no matter how i place my microphone, it usually moves around, and ends up with inconsistent audio quality with some movements such as this. I apologize for this not ideal setup bit its not because of the microphone quality. one of the reasons why i have used voiceover, but recently i feel like doing this style again as it makes me feel i am talking directly with my audience and feel more connected with them.
@@TaroIwamoto It was actually perfect Taro - no new mic needed - and it was wonderful to feel like you were directly talking to each of us. Can't thank you enough for this!
Thank you so much
Excellent! Thank you!!
my pleasure!
Scoliosis has crippled me; my spine is shaped like a question mark. I can only walk a couple hundred feet before the pain stops me. Gee, just to think - I forgot to tell my brain to fix it! Boy, I must be stupid or something. I guess this method will eliminate half the disabled population. Good idea. Wow! who knew clickbait could be so cruel?
This is not clickbait and Taro has been helpful for many of us with scoliosis. A negative attitude is never helpful.
Becoming debilitated and disabled is an incredibly hard thing. It's a journey I am intimately familiar with, and allll the emotions that go with it. It's hard to know who to trust, especially when there's conflicting information.
I hope you're able to find someone who can offer an improved quality of life. For myself and many others with severe scoliosis, feldenkrais has been life changing. The medical establishment is slow to update regarding the nervous system and how it works, but that information is slowly becoming more known. For some things, the fringe is where the best information is.
Taro gives incredible value for free, if you're willing to try it out. Hope is really hard though, so I understand if you don't. Either way, Wishing you the best on your journey. It is a very personal thing.
@@SpectrumOfChange thank you for your reply to my message. I don’t know if I will take your advice, but I certainly appreciate your sincerity. thank you for that. One more thing, reading my own message now I see how harsh I sounded. When I read it, I think that’s not me not me. I don’t complain like that. I don’t talk mean to people! This is a wake up call for me. I don’t want to be angry. I don’t want to be unfair - at the same time I don’t want the additional pain of failure by pursuing false hope.
@@JayGideon-7 your sincere reply is also appreciated. You've done something rare and pretty cool, with expressing, essentially, "wow I sounded like someone I don't want to be - I'm going to tend to that".
In this grueling journey, I really hope we are forgiven for being less than our favourite self from time to time. It's important to have places for the upset to move out through. Otherwise it just goes inward and twists around in there, helping precisely nobody.
As for hope. Ugh. It really is the worst. It took me several years to fight and lose and eventually give up hope. Then about a decade to get to where I could endure reaching for it again. So, if it's too much to reach for something right now, I hear you 100%. Tbh its probably a natural and appropriate part of your trek through the damn thing.
The only thing I'll suggest is take a read through the comments here, and tuck the info away. And maybe or maybe not, someday, it'll be the right time to try.
Wishing you are supported in your journey, by humans or animals or plants or a good sunset.