FA on FA relationships are like winning the lottery and then losing all your winnings. Then you end up in therapy and accept that the lottery was only an illusion and the real prize is your self worth .... or something like that.
I used to be FA and I dated an FA recently and... it was excellent. Until it wasn't. She had control issues, and she overbooked herself with work because she constantly fears that she is unsafe and the world will collapse, and she wanted me to work hard as well... I told her we would have gotten along great a few years back as I was like that but... No thank you. Life is too short to live in constant fear and uncertainty. She had trust issues but it was fine mostly... I understood and I did my best to calm that down.
Doesn't seem like something you couldn't have worked through (just judging by what you stated), and I agree with @gutsandgrit that you probably didn't love her all that much.
I'd love to hear separate videos on: 1) what the difference is between the commitment you make in the dating stage and the commitment of the "commitment" phase of a relationship. The name is confusing, because it makes it sound like you're not even monogamous until you've been together for like five years. And 2) a video on what the power struggle looks and feels like for every attachment style, and how to navigate it for every attachment style.
I'd argue that there is no amount of commitment that can be assumed or inferred during the dating phase of a relationship. Exclusivity, commitment, and monogamy are not agreements to be made in silence. If you want those things, you need to ask your partner if those things are available. I also want to note that, as somebody who's been practicing ethical nonmonogamy for years, PDS has never made me feel othered. I respectfully disagree that these videos imply so much about monogamy, because these videos are universal guides to all relationships... not just monogamous ones.
Done this too many times. I would never do it again and I have steered clear from FAs. You know an FA because of the firework chemistry at the beginning. Everytime.
ah...now I see, what I did not see. I loved her beyond belief, and yet I was freighted by the extent of my feelings. She was my love and you have explained our dynamic to a tee!
This is me & my ex we are trying to figure it out but the struggle has been real I’m more extreme I’ve broken up with him and when we get to close I start feeling overwhelmed and trapped then it gets chaotic and I break up with him but he also goes hot & cold on me sometimes he’s super needy then he gets detached but we love each other so much we just want to figure it out
I'd love to hear separate videos on: 1) what the difference is between the commitment you make in the dating stage and the commitment of the "commitment" phase of a relationship. The name is confusing, because it makes it sound like you're not even monogamous until you've been together for like five years. And 2) a video on what the power struggle looks and feels like for every attachment style, and how to navigate it for every attachment style.
I'm in it right now. I'm much more secure, he is so messy with fears and a stressful familiy dynamic. His fears went to the roof and he pulled away, saying he was only making me suffering, he's not good. After 3-4 weeks he popped up again and does that once a week bumping into me like it was just a coincidence 😅 Then every time he gets triggered again and disappears again for another week or so 😅😅
Great video. I hope to hear more videos where you discuss family relationships and not just romantic ones! Because it's our families where we got these dynamics.
Thanks for this Thais 💜. This is so true, me and an ex were both FA, I was more unsure at first and take time to build feelings so he leaned a bit more anxious and then the push, pull/hot and cold dynamic started pretty much as soon as things were official and we switched. It was exhausting. We were both very into novelty and trying new things on dates, and the humour, fun, and spontaneity which worked great, but the rollercoaster of extreme highs and lows did not. I've learnt so much through PDS and continue to work on healing the FA side of me which is now secondary to secure 😊🎉 Would now only go into dating an FA in the future if they have also been doing the work to heal/ earned secure.
Great video. Thanks Thais! Would love it if you could make a future video about the different ways the FA style might potentially manifest based on gender (and the other attachment styles for that matter!) It would be really interesting to learn if/how the way men and women are socialised differently can have an impact on the way we express our attachment styles, as well as how this might look like in terms of behaviour?
APs/DAs are often much more introvert than FAs, I notice from Thais's info and from my FA. It is no wonder that these charming extroverted people get tired and need to pull back from that all-in intense position. Those suspicions they feel are probably tiredness from giving all the day before.
So FA gets disgusted by AA. FA gets bored with SA, or turned off if SA is into them. FA is turned on by but dislikes DA pushing them away, and being cold. Basically FA cannot find stability/contentment with any other attachment style - DA has the best chances to make it with FA, because DA cares less for FA. Good luck to those who date FA's, no win situation.
This is exactly how I thought about it as an Fa that just avoids dating all together anyways. I see Fa's with strong Anxious behaviour maybe working with Da's. Like you said I am attracted to the Da's or maybe Sa's that are not intrested in a relationship. But because I am not really do the chase I just seem to not make things happen either with Da's either. Avoidant plus avoidant is basically just not giving it a try right? I am a Fa that doesn't like the hookup culture and maybe is a bit more demi sexual but mostly it's because I don't trust people for that and would easily feel used. This is why I figuered I really needed to heal myself. As a perfectionist that suffers from wanting to be a perfectly good person I had to fix myself. But in reality it is really hard to fix yourself into trusting if you now even better recognise unhealthy attachement aswell. Meanwhile I notice my thoughts go from anxious to dismissive and punish myself and feel so defeated as it proves I am not yet fixed and therefor not worthy of love and it makes me think I should give up dating and the idea that people could love me and I will ever feel not fearfull of doing things wrong and them breaking my trust. I just can't stop overthinking even when I have moments of clarity of what the healthy attacheted thoughts would be. I still romantisize the guys that rejected me. So I know I am not where I want to be. 31 yo. Single. I am a sweetheart to everyone and on my own I seem to do well but I have a big whole in my heart for I would love to have for once someone love me and care for me and find a partnership like we seem to be made for. But no Da has really fallen in love with me. And the Ap's show such strong dependence and insecurities its hard to fall for as I look for stability and security in a man so I can drop those guards and enjoy myself instead of worry about and mother ap's (as I had a few toxic Ap friends and one ex it just is a huge alarm in my system now). That's from the perspective of a Fa working hard to get secure but knows she's not there yet. Judgement isn't helpfull. We have a huge shame wound as it is and actually try so hard to do well.
In short: Ap's get mad if I express a need. It's all about their demanding wants. Da's make me initially feel safe and free and heard but they barely let me see them and never initiate then I feel anxious, unwanted, sometimes used for it only goes on their terms and shut them out. Fa's, well met one recently and it just feels like a rollercoaster. They seem so sweet but also I feel they actively push me away, his anxious side felt big for him but he actively worked on not chasing which made me just see mostly his openness about himself but walls up for me. So.. Basically one sided aswell. It all feels onesided is what I am getting at. I don't know if I met Sa men while dating. I am sure I would scare them of as I am always going deep too fast. But I do see if they have zero trauma or difficult experiences and also no philisophical thoughts it just feels too superficial. These are not choices. It's just how people make you feel.
They won't find happiness with any attachment styles because FA people are the biggest problem and the most problematic. Yes they really and they should know it.
To heal core wounds& become securely attached,centered, & to meet a like minded woman friend to live ,love,trust,&walk together with would be incredible. I hope it happens someday, until then, I'll keep trying to develop self improvement through positive sources like you& your friends. 🧘🏽♂️🪷🔄
Did the partner do things to push the FA away like alllll the things say a DA does? FA’s are usually attracted to DA. DA is difficult as he**. Lying, withholding, Jekyll Hyde.
You mentioned your back was off. Mine goes on and off with this sport too. Do you think it has to do with the culture teaching one sided rotations only instead of ambi turning? (turning both ways)
FA on FA relationships are like winning the lottery and then losing all your winnings.
Then you end up in therapy and accept that the lottery was only an illusion and the real prize is your self worth .... or something like that.
This is soo good!
That's exactly it. Exactly.
Well, shit.
💯 on the mark
🤗😌💜
I used to be FA and I dated an FA recently and... it was excellent. Until it wasn't. She had control issues, and she overbooked herself with work because she constantly fears that she is unsafe and the world will collapse, and she wanted me to work hard as well... I told her we would have gotten along great a few years back as I was like that but... No thank you. Life is too short to live in constant fear and uncertainty.
She had trust issues but it was fine mostly... I understood and I did my best to calm that down.
You didn’t love her enough. If you did, nothing would make you leave. Nothing. So you moved on.
Doesn't seem like something you couldn't have worked through (just judging by what you stated), and I agree with @gutsandgrit that you probably didn't love her all that much.
It was catch and release
Hear you. I couldn't be with someone focused on the glass being half empty. Life is too short indeed.
Did you even try and work this out any?
It was intense, electrifying, amazing, terrifying, & impossible to get over...
God. I usually get over breakups pretty easily but this one has been awful. It really feels like you lost something so unique and special
@@michifornow Oh. I have no doubt that I did. None. 😭💔
Oh boy, this is going to be good 😂
❤
Oh my 😂
😂😂😂
Hold on. Let me make a coffee first 😂😂
Expert here : it is 😂😂
I'd love to hear separate videos on: 1) what the difference is between the commitment you make in the dating stage and the commitment of the "commitment" phase of a relationship. The name is confusing, because it makes it sound like you're not even monogamous until you've been together for like five years. And 2) a video on what the power struggle looks and feels like for every attachment style, and how to navigate it for every attachment style.
Great suggestions.
I'd argue that there is no amount of commitment that can be assumed or inferred during the dating phase of a relationship.
Exclusivity, commitment, and monogamy are not agreements to be made in silence. If you want those things, you need to ask your partner if those things are available.
I also want to note that, as somebody who's been practicing ethical nonmonogamy for years, PDS has never made me feel othered. I respectfully disagree that these videos imply so much about monogamy, because these videos are universal guides to all relationships... not just monogamous ones.
Done this too many times. I would never do it again and I have steered clear from FAs. You know an FA because of the firework chemistry at the beginning. Everytime.
That can be DA/FA too
ah...now I see, what I did not see. I loved her beyond belief, and yet I was freighted by the extent of my feelings. She was my love and you have explained our dynamic to a tee!
Dear Thias: could you do a video about two anxious pre- occupieds( male and female) next, please.very good video, though.😊😊
Stay tuned!
This is me & my ex we are trying to figure it out but the struggle has been real I’m more extreme I’ve broken up with him and when we get to close I start feeling overwhelmed and trapped then it gets chaotic and I break up with him but he also goes hot & cold on me sometimes he’s super needy then he gets detached but we love each other so much we just want to figure it out
Have you been in an FA/FA dynamic before? What was your experience? Please comment below ❤
I'd love to hear separate videos on: 1) what the difference is between the commitment you make in the dating stage and the commitment of the "commitment" phase of a relationship. The name is confusing, because it makes it sound like you're not even monogamous until you've been together for like five years. And 2) a video on what the power struggle looks and feels like for every attachment style, and how to navigate it for every attachment style.
Horrible
I'm in it right now. I'm much more secure, he is so messy with fears and a stressful familiy dynamic. His fears went to the roof and he pulled away, saying he was only making me suffering, he's not good. After 3-4 weeks he popped up again and does that once a week bumping into me like it was just a coincidence 😅 Then every time he gets triggered again and disappears again for another week or so 😅😅
Great video. I hope to hear more videos where you discuss family relationships and not just romantic ones! Because it's our families where we got these dynamics.
Thanks for this Thais 💜. This is so true, me and an ex were both FA, I was more unsure at first and take time to build feelings so he leaned a bit more anxious and then the push, pull/hot and cold dynamic started pretty much as soon as things were official and we switched. It was exhausting. We were both very into novelty and trying new things on dates, and the humour, fun, and spontaneity which worked great, but the rollercoaster of extreme highs and lows did not. I've learnt so much through PDS and continue to work on healing the FA side of me which is now secondary to secure 😊🎉 Would now only go into dating an FA in the future if they have also been doing the work to heal/ earned secure.
Great video. Thanks Thais!
Would love it if you could make a future video about the different ways the FA style might potentially manifest based on gender (and the other attachment styles for that matter!)
It would be really interesting to learn if/how the way men and women are socialised differently can have an impact on the way we express our attachment styles, as well as how this might look like in terms of behaviour?
Thanks!!
very well explained as always!!
Thanks again ❤
APs/DAs are often much more introvert than FAs, I notice from Thais's info and from my FA. It is no wonder that these charming extroverted people get tired and need to pull back from that all-in intense position. Those suspicions they feel are probably tiredness from giving all the day before.
So FA gets disgusted by AA. FA gets bored with SA, or turned off if SA is into them. FA is turned on by but dislikes DA pushing them away, and being cold. Basically FA cannot find stability/contentment with any other attachment style - DA has the best chances to make it with FA, because DA cares less for FA. Good luck to those who date FA's, no win situation.
This is exactly how I thought about it as an Fa that just avoids dating all together anyways. I see Fa's with strong Anxious behaviour maybe working with Da's. Like you said I am attracted to the Da's or maybe Sa's that are not intrested in a relationship. But because I am not really do the chase I just seem to not make things happen either with Da's either. Avoidant plus avoidant is basically just not giving it a try right? I am a Fa that doesn't like the hookup culture and maybe is a bit more demi sexual but mostly it's because I don't trust people for that and would easily feel used. This is why I figuered I really needed to heal myself. As a perfectionist that suffers from wanting to be a perfectly good person I had to fix myself. But in reality it is really hard to fix yourself into trusting if you now even better recognise unhealthy attachement aswell. Meanwhile I notice my thoughts go from anxious to dismissive and punish myself and feel so defeated as it proves I am not yet fixed and therefor not worthy of love and it makes me think I should give up dating and the idea that people could love me and I will ever feel not fearfull of doing things wrong and them breaking my trust. I just can't stop overthinking even when I have moments of clarity of what the healthy attacheted thoughts would be. I still romantisize the guys that rejected me. So I know I am not where I want to be. 31 yo. Single. I am a sweetheart to everyone and on my own I seem to do well but I have a big whole in my heart for I would love to have for once someone love me and care for me and find a partnership like we seem to be made for. But no Da has really fallen in love with me. And the Ap's show such strong dependence and insecurities its hard to fall for as I look for stability and security in a man so I can drop those guards and enjoy myself instead of worry about and mother ap's (as I had a few toxic Ap friends and one ex it just is a huge alarm in my system now). That's from the perspective of a Fa working hard to get secure but knows she's not there yet. Judgement isn't helpfull. We have a huge shame wound as it is and actually try so hard to do well.
In short: Ap's get mad if I express a need. It's all about their demanding wants. Da's make me initially feel safe and free and heard but they barely let me see them and never initiate then I feel anxious, unwanted, sometimes used for it only goes on their terms and shut them out. Fa's, well met one recently and it just feels like a rollercoaster. They seem so sweet but also I feel they actively push me away, his anxious side felt big for him but he actively worked on not chasing which made me just see mostly his openness about himself but walls up for me. So.. Basically one sided aswell. It all feels onesided is what I am getting at. I don't know if I met Sa men while dating. I am sure I would scare them of as I am always going deep too fast. But I do see if they have zero trauma or difficult experiences and also no philisophical thoughts it just feels too superficial. These are not choices. It's just how people make you feel.
Bcs FA must do therapy instead of jumping from person to person while trying to find a right one. Bcs they are a problem, not people they date
They won't find happiness with any attachment styles because FA people are the biggest problem and the most problematic. Yes they really and they should know it.
To heal core wounds& become securely attached,centered, & to meet a like minded woman friend to live ,love,trust,&walk together with would be incredible.
I hope it happens someday, until then, I'll keep trying to develop self improvement through positive sources like you& your friends. 🧘🏽♂️🪷🔄
You can do it! You deserve a loving connection with yourself and another!
@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Thankyou.
☮️💙
I am also healing so I can commit and quit avoiding it. I’m a DA.
I'm with you brother --- I didn't know.....but now I do! Rollercoaster I want to get of please....eh like NOW!
Can you do some videos on friendships vs romantic relationships?
I’m interested in the deeper dive course of FA/FA but can’t find it on the list of courses. Is there a direct link? Thank you!
F*ck me dead 😂 I am both FA/DA and my gf is SA/FA
Sure plays a mean pinball….
they cant handle a relationship, FA's are borderlines and will devalue the partner when the honeymoon is over
Did the partner do things to push the FA away like alllll the things say a DA does? FA’s are usually attracted to DA. DA is difficult as he**. Lying, withholding, Jekyll Hyde.
What about two gemini fearful avoidance? Got any suggestions for us?
It requires help from a therapist to navigate through the core wounds.
Or if your really out there 1000s of conversations with yourself...
I think they should date nobody is really attached lol let me listen to the video. I dont think they should date anyone unless they have did the work.
You mentioned your back was off. Mine goes on and off with this sport too. Do you think it has to do with the culture teaching one sided rotations only instead of ambi turning? (turning both ways)
😂 yup