❤😊I really appreciate this approach, Anna, because it is such a common occurrence as we grow & recover in our various programs. Meetings are where we go to heal - and to practice recovery behaviors. Unfortunately there’s not a lot of information about handling these situations with grace.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy i dont know my my trans best friend anymore she told lied about me i been sleeping around i not i saving myself for marraige she not around wehn she is she with her new friend i have eough how end it ?.
I used to feel the need to be "liked" and felt sad when I wasn't sought out, invited, or included. One magical day I realized that I didn't even LIKE most of these "friends" and I was grasping for something empty because I was empty inside. Imagine the freedom I feel now that I have cut all these cancers right on out of my life. I can't say I really have any friends now, and the few low level acquaintances I do have may not really care, but they aren't dragging me down either. I would rather have no friends than the kind I used to have. NO regrets here.
Wow! I am amazed! I have always envied people that had friendships that went on forever. At this point in my life God is keeping my circle very very small!
@@SJ_Vibezz be firm yet polite. you can say, this isn't working for me. We don't seem to be on the same page about things. Let's separate, it's fine, no hard feelings, let's go our separate ways, I wish you all the best. 😘
I’m going through this now with someone I was friends with for 50 years & I feel like we have nothing in common anymore and when I’m around her I feel anxious . I have distanced myself self from her & rarely call her anymore . I feel allot of anxiety when she calls & I don’t want to talk to her .
Sadly i have had to actually test that this year and it is not a good feeling. Out of nowhere my friend my depression and agoraphobia stepped up and made me feel very cared for.
I just recently decided to walk away from a five year friendship because it finally dawned on me that for the past two years I had been the one keeping the friendship going. He would never talk with me unless I initiated the contact first. It had been that way for too long, and I've learned over the years to choose people who choose me. I won't beg or chase people anymore. So, I just walked away. Sometimes relationships just fizzle out and die. It can't be one-sided. No regrets.
My old friendgroup let go of me recently. I've known them for years, and we were all healing but they found problems with me. We were very much in different places in our healing and they all decided that I wasn't getting enough out of therapy. This turned out to be for the best, because they treated me as the group scape goat as if I created the majority of the problems. I'm grateful now that I'm no longer apart of that group and hope I can find people who won't invalidate and mistreat me.
I ended a 40 plus year friendship recently. Upon healing and growing with my awareness of PTSD from poor childhood upbringing, I realized I was outgrowing the my friend who also had trauma. She wasn’t trying to get better and I no longer felt comfortable. I didn’t want her drama & victim mentality conversations. I tried talking about my concerns & it backfired. She went in a rage and smeared my name. I never retaliated. I just told her we no longer ebb & flow, and this is okay with me.
Thank you for this. I recently walked away from an old friendship at the end of 2022, and it really did feel like a break up. The thing that really did it for me was the disrespect of my boundaries that I repeatedly shared. I used to be a major people pleaser and have been working on self love, and I guess they did not like that change in me and decided to confront me about it instead of respect my boundaries. I used to feel a pit in my stomach seeing their name pop up on my phone knowing they were either going to complain to me, emotional dump, or expect something from me. I ended things gracefully by admitting that we seemed to no longer have the ability to meet each others needs, and walked away. Best decision for self preservation.
It does feel like a major break-up because it is. It's a horrible feeling. I had to do that in 2018 and I still mourn my friend. I don't mind when people come to me to complain or emotional dump. That's the easy part. It's the repeated defiance of our boundaries that creates the tension that leads to the break-up. I'm so sorry you and your friend couldn't work it out. It's all so sad.
I chased after my friend for about 20 years. I refuse to have friends who do not give back as much as I do. I did not feel bad about it. I felt released.
I'm seeing this with an old long time friend. I had to have a break from her because I was trying to grow and heal from unhealthy behaviour. Now, I still see her but I keep her at arms length. I can't get sucked into her anxiety, depression and often demanding behaviour. I feel I am outgrowing her, I feel guilty in some way but this won't stop me from continuing on the path of healing.
I had to deal with a former 'friend' telling people I was an addict and had an eating disorder, when I'd actually been trafficked and abused. I didn't feel the need to remain friends any longer.
Some people truly need to accept that they can't come with you where you're going in your next chapters. It's just a fact of life. Sometimes they won't let you go without a battle mostly because they'd really miss using you for their own benefit. I figured out who belongs and who deserves to be a priority in my life and who does not and will not be a priority. As for the non-priorities that have raged and fought or gotten angry about my necessary boundary building and act entitled to stay, I've gone NO CONTACT with them completely. I'm cutting them all off during the healing phase and I'm not allowing myself to feel bad or guilty about it like I would have during the time I was a "doormat" aka friend. The most important boundaries seem to be becoming those between me, myself and I. Abusers are gonna abuse, I've faced that, but I was my own worst enemy by allowing them to stay and abuse me. That's over now ...#1 boundary no known abusive person will remain in close proximity to me whether they call themselves a "friend" or not. I'm starting to feel a lot better now...
thank you, I've done this a number of times with old friends. It's me that's changed not them. People often find that very difficult, they want the old person back. Unfortunately before recovery I was more depressed, more of a people pleaser and less likely to speak my mind. Doesn't surprise me that some don't accept the healthier me. It's sad. But if they feel threatened by the health you are finding then stop hanging round with them. They'll probably bad mouth you, but you are the one that has become more healthy, not them.
Have to agree with you, similar situation happened to me. Have really changed and just don’t ‘click’ the same way with old friends or family like I used to. Time to find a new tribe.
This is tough. I ended a friendship yesterday, and knew I’d feel empty, because it wasn’t all bad. The person is generous in ways, and has been there for me in ways. It’s not like a narcissist where I’m totally angry and broken. It’s the first time I’ve sat back and made a choice about giving up someone that is just “hard to love” so to speak. I can see that it was keeping me damaged. It’s like he died in a way. I do want to talk to him and share the things we had in common.
Had a friend from high school contact me last week, telling me he was going to be in town to visit a friend and would I like to get together for a beer. “Of course! when you arrive, please contact me and let me know your plans.” Long story short….I spent an entire 3-day holiday weekend “on hold” waiting for this call. On Sunday afternoon, he texted to let me know he would text me on Monday. At 4 pm on Monday, he finally texted to meet me in 2 hours. I was so pissed by that time I almost didn’t respond. I texted him, ‘When I hadn’t heard from you by noon, I made other plans.’ I am SO tired of getting treated this way … especially by males, but also female friends. It’s like I’m the one people want to hang out with after they’ve exhausted all other possibilities! He said he would be back in a few months and maybe we could get together then. I almost responded, “Only if you’ve learned better manners by then,” but didn’t, of course. 🙄
I had a very similar experience. In my case, I thought the person was genuine and took her at her word. I value relationships and was happy to meet up. But it turned out she was flakey and I got messed around but it was a very important lesson to learn.
I kind of agree. The person who uses you as Plan B will fly the coop when their "A List" friends appear, so have you really lost anything other than insulting frustration?
That would make me feel really sad. I’m not sure if you have other friends or not, eithier way this isn’t a ‘friend’. I don’t know you but no-one deserves to be treated this way. I’ve had it done to me and it does hurt, so I would suggest don’t let them do it twice and next time he sees you on your terms or nothing.
As a 51-year-old dude, I recently just blocked a friend of 15 years because it kept making weird passive-aggressive comments without even telling them. I'm not scared of them, but I have good enough reason to believe that they looked like a potential flying monkey with estranged family of origin siblings I've gone no contact with over the few years
Wow.. ridiculous timing. I let go of a friend just two days ago. Not sure if I'd call it graceful, as to her it came off as sudden, but for me it had been on my mind for many, many months, if not longer. Watching your videos these last few weeks has really helped put things into perspective, realize who is actually there and available both physically and emotionally, allowing me to better navigate the relationship, friends and family portion of my life.
I have never had more than a couple friends at a time. I always asked "does this person contribute to my well being or contaminate it." Too bad I didn't apply that to my partner.
Excellent criteria. There was someone dragging me down in many ways but I felt sorry for them so I refrained from ending it. They ended up ending it when I set a boundary and told them I couldn't help them with their problems anymore. Their vitriolic reaction just showed how they were contaminating, not contributing
I do not understand the need to have friends who don't really like us, this includes family. I never thought it was a good idea to chase after someone who doesn't want us. Being alone for a time is wonderful, then we are free to be friendly and kind superficially with everyone I encounter and perhaps one day I will find a good friend, but if not that's alright too.
Great topic! It's so freeing to be able to be polite to someone, yet keep the boundaries in place. In situations with an abusive relative you have to keep seeing at family events, for example, or in meetings where you must encounter someone you've ended a relationship with, being polite yet unavailable is so liberating. You are truly out of the harmful person's influence, while being happy in the group, unbothered by the harmful person's drama, and clearly moving forward without them.
@@-norsecode- I can also see how ignoring someone can be polite! When I've had to be around someone who's been abusive to me & acknowledge them in a group setting, it's not at all friendly or warm. It's only a very formal sort of politeness, like the way you would speak to a receptionist when setting up an appointment.
Being ghosted by the person I’d come to see over 6 years as my closest friends has been incredibly painful. There was no argument, nor arguing, no animosity, no indication anything was wrong. We had talked and worked through so much in our history and lives. Then she got into a new romantic relationship and started speaking less and then after a few months she stopped calling, or responding to any message I left. I only sent a few (4-5 text or voicemails) messages over 6 months (this is someone I used to speak with around 5 times a week) before accepting she’d ghosted me. It’s completely undermined my trust in everyone.
This is exactly what happened to me. I ended up sending her a text saying she has been a fake friend. And I should have officially ended the friendship months ago. I didn’t mention the new boyfriend. She didn’t bother to ask why I sent her this text.
3 weeks before this video I cut contact with a friend I had been talking to every weekend for years. Let's call her Lou. I was traveling to her city and staying in her apartment because she insisted on it. She has two small dogs and teaches them no limits at all. Her male dog is well behaved enough, surprisingly, but the female dog is just crazy, she would bite me, scratch me and growl and bark at me and my friend would blame me whether I did something or nothing about it - the dog was always right and I was behaving wrongly. I couldn't sneeze, turn around in my bed or open the door and she would wake up the entire neighborhood in a barking fit, so I couldn't even get up to pee in the middle of the night. Well, one day I had to open the front door to go out and she zoomed across the apartment and past my legs and ran through the corridors and stairs like she was running for her life. Of course I couldn't catch her before she turned a corner and then I couldn't tell if she had gone up or down the stairs, so I desperately called out to Lou to help me find her. We found her on the ground floor, still within the building, in the patio, and she was quite alright, and not in any immediate danger. But Lou was disproportionately pissed at me for "letting" that happen and for "caring so little". On the very next morning she scolded me and yelled at me, called me names and blamed me for her dog "nearly dying". I tried to tell her what happened on my side, and I apologized profusely for not being fast enough to catch her, but Lou would not listen. She grunted at me "you're no longer my friend" and kicked me out of her house. We're both 42 years old, BTW, so this is unusual behavior. So I packed my bags and went to a hotel. And I never spoke to her again. A mutual friend later told me Lou was expecting a call from me with apologies (even though I had already apologized twice to her in person), and told me she replied to Lou "how do you expect her to call you when you were the one who said you were no longer friends?". But still I didn't hear from Lou. Some time later, I found out she had blocked me on the messaging app we use. My therapist says she sounds very much borderline, I know she had PTSD, and I have CPTSD, so I feel I did my best, but I do not want toxicity near me again. I never thought I meant so very little to her after 6 years of friendship. Big disappointment. And her aggressiveness sent me on a tailspin, a month later and I'm still feeling the tension and yuckiness in my body.
It's true that you don't have to have boundaries when you are in the company of the good and wise *(like attracts like). I remember growing up as a kid and I could be myself and let my friends be themselves in a healthy exchange. As I grew up I was surrounded by toxic grown-ups and I noticed they didn't respect boundaries. Someone said something interesting today- that we want to stay in our comfort zone because that is our boundary.
I feel like schools should have programs that incorporate psychology starting at a young age. It's good we have sex ed. But we also need more tools like friendship dynamics, dating, workplace drama, and more. So many things require a therapist to intervene after damage was done. I know when I was a teen I had an abusive friend, but I didn't yet know about stonewalling or gaslighting etc. I had a really hard time when I ended the friendship. Now I have a very deep understanding of that situation. As an adult I am still learning to navigate friendship dilemmas, but I'm MUCH better and I'm so glad you covered this topic!
I heavy-heartedly walked away from a 40-year friendship because we've become distant and I realised, I just don't like her anymore. I feel like she puts on a fake persona without weaknesses to be liked by everyone and I can no longer form a connection. The person I was friends with is no longer available. It has slowly increased over the years and now after the sudden death of another friend she didn't give me any emotional support and even got upset that I made the situation "about me". Her perspective is probably very different. I am very sad about the closeness we used to have but if I look at it in all honesty that is long gone. What we have now is nothing to keep up.
Sounds like what I went through cutting off a friend I’d made because we understood each others trauma. Find friends by doing things you like. Not in recovery meetings. Not in group therapy. Boundaries feel like an invisible raincoat. Nod hello, then keep going.
Are you ok more now say hi you seem still in thought try fun things more and do not take trouble to seriously it is weird because you are caring and you want to care lots to have a kind life you can have a kind life and note take thing to seriously if you just say you know you really care as you have proof in your true feeling the you can not deny I hope you can say hi soonI would be grateful?
OMG I needed to hear this video! I had a similar situation but with a coworker. After years of working together I slowly let them in even though I didn't really want to. Their toxicity slowly took over my life until I told them we couldn't be friends anymore. But now when I go to work I give them the silent treatment. I guess it's better to just treat them like a nobody. Like, they're a human but they don't evoke any emotion in you, it's that right Anna?
It is definitely ok, not to speak to a person who rages at you, and that is called a boundary as well. YOU dare suppose to protect your self and not be “polite” to people who have issues with their anger management. You are your own “loving parent”, and it is you job, to decide what’s best for you. Yes, people in those meetings have issues, and that is why they are there. And I should know that. I was attending ACA for 3 years all the time. I’ve gotten to a point, when I realized, that some people are stuck, dumb or malicious. There is drama, gossip and rubbish. And one thing could be at place also. Sometimes “the abusers” can’t handle a simple “hello”, and have no idea what boundaries are. And that is why YOU and only you decide, what is best for you. “Normal rules do not apply for abnormal people”. So, my advice is not to listen to anyone and just listen to your guts. What do you feel is good for you? The problem with teaching people to be polite, is that, they wanna be nice, and try to fix things. Some things can be fixed. And even if they can be fixed, it takes to to tango. Don’t try fixing something, that you didn’t brake. You don’t have to be polite, if you don’t want to. Cos sometimes forgiveness means an invitation to some more abuse in the future. That is my take on this topic, and I’ve learned the hard way, with my own mother. Best regard to you.
Thank you very helpful. My friendship with who I thought was my best of friends, ended a few months ago. We are not friends and we are not enemies, but strangers with memories. She’s been blocked and I have moved on. I live in a gated community, so she just can just drop it to talk. Thanks again. ❤
I had a friend that I met with once a week for dinner and a movie. Sometimes our routine was disrupted by other facets of our lives, but it was a comforting routine that we returned to. Out of the blue, she stopped responding to my texts. As she was in poor health, I was concerned that she might have become seriously ill. I checked in with mutual friends. One told me that they had just run into her with another mutual friend a couple of days before and she was fine. I have no idea what happened. It is obvious that she wasn't happy with our relationship and ended it. That can happen and I'm not overly concerned about growing apart. I'm angry that she never said or did anything that let me know she was unhappy. Relationships can become stale. Relationships can become damaged. Relationships can heal if everyone understands there is a problem and is willing to work on it. Relationships are important to me and throwing them away without trying to repair them is hurtful.
I had a similar experience. She kind of just stopped talking to me. I wish she would have just told me why. I am wracking my brain wondering what could have happened. Its not like either of us were needy and we would just see each other occasionaly because we both had kids and busy lives. I saw her in a store and right away said hi, and she looked at me and walked the other way. I was shocked. I am left wondering if I did something wrong. I honestly can't think of anything. Our last visist together was like any other in the past. It was pleasant and just catching up on our lives. I am not devastated, but certainly would like to know why.
@@amyjohnson1967 yes it might. I have seen her in stores a few times since and she still won't speak to me. I wonder some times if someone made up something that isn't true for her to turn on me like that. If I did say something she didn't like I wish she would have told me because I truly never would have said anything intentionally that would hurt her. Its a mystery to me.
At 64 I cut ties with several friends. Some were a pain and I didn't enjoy their company anymore and some were perfectly lovely, but I felt we had outgrown each other and felt it was rude of myself to keep turning down their offers to get together. It's weird to have to "break up" with a person, but life is short. I also like being alone and set in my ways so trying to explain myself is beginning to be more of a pain. Happy solo. And happy not caring what people think.
I’ve had terrible endings and less terrible endings and it never pays to be a petty Betty. Polite respect is definitely the way to go when enforcing boundaries. Giving one person the silent treatment in a room full of people is punishing the whole room!
Once AGAIN! Brilliant and sublime timing …. One 1/2 hr at a time here. Thank youuuuuu! For walking your talk and SHARING so gracefully and generously. Standing ovation 👏 for your TEAM.
Thanks Fairy! My experience as a people pleaser/uber accommodator was that my very "alpha" friends didn't appreciate the notion that I had an opinion and "suddenly" I decided I wasn't ok with the status quo (following/being directed and unsolicitedly "advised" (bullied)). I guess they never got the memo that every child (in a parent/child relationship) grows up! We can never go back to [them] because they will not tolerate their "child" being an equal or god forbid a leader! I smile and wave and they sneer (and try to control whose company I am "allowed" to have - one in particular refuses to attend if "I'm there".) Maybe some day the other weaklings will get a grip and realize they can actually decide who they want at *their* party and if [they] can't navigate one person they desperately try to vet out in amongst 60 odd people, then *they* be the one to stay home!
Life has major transitions in regards to relationships. The first big one is when you graduate from high school. The friends that you thought would be by your side forever, as you signed each other's year books, slowly drift away. It's kinda difficult, but necessary, as they no longer fit the mosaic of your life. However, sometimes, a major trauma reunites you in an unexpected way. For example, my best friend from high school's father passed away this past Fall. He was beloved by everyone in our neighborhood. He had a large funeral, and many former friends reunited, temporarily. My best HS friend and I were born just hours apart on the same day in 1961. He too moved to Idaho, years later, like I did. He went through a divorce like I did. We both had triumphs and trauma. I went the religious route in life, and he chose to become a pagan partier, but now, as seniors, we have commonality that we might not have had twenty years ago. Sometimes friendships are no longer a good fit, but years later, they may piece back together in unique ways.
I think we all tend to have an unconscious bias that is actually a belief we have about ourselves, which is Magical Thinking, but that we project onto others. Seems to me I have irrationally, UNCONSCIOUSLY, wanted to believe that when we enter treatment- 12 Steps, groups etc) we are healed. It's the same sort of thing that often keeps people stuck, this way as well, we tend to confuse Awareness of a problem and it's solution, with Doing Differently. I have spent time in both these traps, thinking that people are safe just because they know they need to change and are taking steps to do so. But the places we go to help us heal are not magic circles in which everyone is suddenly safe! Hell No!!!! I think we project that errant thought onto others because we want to believe it of ourselves and do a little By-Pass. It's so nice to think that once I've gotten my butt to a meeting or group or whatever the activity is, I'm Done! But it just doesn't work that way. Getting there is just the first baby step. Tough 💕
You were spot on again Anna. I don't know why but i even get the feeling that the silent treatment in this case is a form of codependency (control) thinking it will make the other person change or see things differently.
The former friend could be jealous of her because she is further along in her recovery than the former friend is if that makes any sense.. Jealousy is a fool proof friendship destroyer...
Excellent video! It's funny... your videos that pop up for me usually relate to something I'm currently going through or have gone through. I was just unfriended and blocked by someone I have been a very good friend to. I am ok. This isn't because of something I did wrong. I improved my life and this seemed to really upset this person. Thanks for all the amazing videos!
I had to cut off one of my closest friends last summer. I felt she was only using me has a dumpster of her issues and to cover up for her lies to her husband who was also my friend. I told her many times i didn’t want to be used like that and to not include me in her made up lies for her to cheat but never stopped. I asked her to not tell me about her lovers but she even liked to share very explicit details and even sex pics, which she would put in front of my face while i was driving. Also never changed her ways for the better. It was like she enjoyed screwing up to show off, weirdly. I miss certain parts of it but i definitely feel more at peace.
Who shows their friend sex pics when they've been told they don't want to hear about it? I don't think I'd show my friend sex pics anyway. Eww. Good move on getting them out of your life.
I appreciate the validation, it feels odd being 20 and more mature than tons of older individuals around me. I love when attempts to box me into that, you’re just a child kid or what ever. I’m just not about that anymore. I feel for this person, it’s so difficult to have a toxic person to attempt to eat away at us.
Currently in the place where I've given up on all my old codependent friendships (some were outright bad, some went the route of exfriends showing pushback once I started healing and developing some assertiveness, so I just gracefully distanced myself), and haven't made new ones-- so right now I have no real life friends, but I have good online friends. I miss being able to do things and share experiences with real life friends beyond just my long term partmer, and making new friends in your 30s isn't easy, but being mostly on my own for now and carefully calibrating my social interactions is better than whatever I did in my past to fit in and get along out of desperation.
I've had this friend for almost 14 years. He's an emotional vampire. He gets people stirred up about whatever gets them riled up, then he basks in the chaos. He also LOVES to play the victim. Very covertly narcissistic. The pandemic came around and gave me the opportunity to finally muster the strength to let the relationship go. I was gaslighting myself for years, buying into his wounded puppy bullshit. His hetero lifemate is another, even more narcissistic know it all. Infuriating to be around. Always correcting everyone about everything, even though she's never had a real job or done anything in her life. Now, I do see the guy once every 6 to 8 weeks for a half hour or hour for coffee. As soon as he launches into his "poor me" bullshit, it's time to go. This way I still see him as a person, but I don't get embroiled in the drama. I flat out REFUSE to spend time with the other one. It's not worth my sanity and joy.
I'm shook to see this notification come up... I literally had a bestie breakup yesterday and cried all the way home... friendship of ten years down the drain 😔
@rudolfforever oh I definitely know what I did wrong but I didn't see the situation playing out another way... I mean of course I had options and I been thinking it over just flipping it over in my brain like some pancakes.... I could have sat there silent and let the verbal abuse go on...or just speak out and say enough is enough. So basically she told me I'm "the wrong friend to talk to since I don't understand her and I don't listen" ..and the context is cuz shes going through a separation with her husband and she asked what j thought then got so pist when i said things dont make sense to me cuz theres so much to the story not adding up......I know for a FACT I do listen and I'm very open minded but she was so pist I wasn't agreeing with her and she just basically let me know my friendship means nothing... there was so much more but that's the short version of my drama🥺😅 I cried my heart out yesterday but I realize today ....She is one of those people that can't see past her own nose. Just flat out stubborn. And I own my outburst and it wasn't cool that I snapped but...I did and ohwell..she had an earful coming het way cuz no one ever talks back to her...and so yeah...thank u for reading my rambly comment😀🖤
I befriended a woman a few years older than me about eight years ago, she was unemployed and had no other friends. Years later I'm still her only friend, every interaction is draining and she has never done anything to support me back (emotionally or physically), I didn't so much as get a card when I got married. At the moment I'm on maternity leave and she calls incessantly every morning and wakes me up (she's still unemployed). She invites herself over to my house and invades my privacy by going through drawers/using skincare etc. I have to pretend that I'm going to my in-law's house to stop her from coming over to see my newborn (she refuses to wash her hands as she says the baby needs to be exposed to germs to build immunity). I've been trying to gradually cut contact with her for months in the hopes that she'll find someone else and leave
Is there a group I can join and connect with like-minded / like-hearted people here? Thank you so much for the videos you post I cried and healed more than I thought was possible.
I've ended friendships that had lasted for 35 years. One especially ended over daily disrespectful and insulting comments, then, acting like nothing was wrong and everything was fine, like nothing happened. I had absolutely no regrets ending that one. I told him to literally GFY. Other ones I just ended by zero contact rule.
I can see where Anna is coming from, if a "friend" was coming off as verbally hostile, I would need some space for a while to just heal from it. I don't know if I'd be ready to be polite quite yet. I've had times with ex-friends where I tried to be polite, but they would see that as an opening to begin digging into me, so I had to go no-contact. I didn't talk bad about them to anyone else, I just had to move social circles a little so we didn't cross/overlap. Maybe that is being polite? Still trying to figure out how to handle friend-break ups in the best way it *can* be handled, because it's a terrible thing to go through.
Sought out this video to end a relationship with someone I’ve called my sister. I love her but she’s never been a good friend to me. I just feel like I deserve better. I’ve been going through so much recently, and she’s so self centered. She has growing to do that I can’t help her with. I don’t want any bad blood, but I have to put me first.
Breaking a long friendship can be hurtful and not easy, when I think a friendship is not right for me for any reason, I just stop hanging around that person, but if I see him or her I say Hi and have little chat, but I do not ask or tell anything personal, and then say see you later take care. I'm cordial with people, because we all have stuff in our life that we have to work on because nobody is perfect.
I had a Friend whom turned on me recently out of jealousy and her misplaced guilt trip on a recent job I was offered - she was not offered a different position but w the same agency. She tried to kill my joy and projected a bunch of crap onto me, that isn't mine. I was in shock at her behavior. I only need a couple of Friends in my life- not many. But as an introvert its difficult. Im really sad about it and feel betrayed. However Im learning to trust my gut -the FIRST time. I was bothered by how much she gossiped and knew a lot of drama within our employer...I should have just trusted me... that she was not trustworthy.
I have been on the healing path for many years. The last year has been more intense, particularly with my physical health. Currenty in between living situations/places to call home. Am a gardener, grower of food, looking for a garden/home. Challenging times
I’d offer the suggestion treat her with the politeness you’d give to a stranger you met on the street. You can have distance without coldness. Like you wouldn’t kick a stranger down the stairs for no reason, right? I would say don’t do that to her either. Aim for like a professional kind of distance.
I had a friend who was there for me when my marriage was on the rocks. My husband and I separated and this friend and I were constant companions. My husband and I were able to legitimately repair our marriage. This friend was never the same towards me again. It was clear she liked me a lot more when my life was in tatters. I had to dismiss her. She was very important to me and thinking about this still gives me pain.
I met someone 2 years ago and we became vey close. She has a drinking problem. Tonight we were out and had a disagreement over a general subject. She told me “I’ve been tired of your perspective for a while”..I said ok, got up and left. It hurts but I’m also relieved because she likes to go out drinking multiple days of the week for hours and I want to get healthy. It still hurts
Advice please! I just walked away from a 30-year friendship. She had a superior attitude, always made little digs at my expense, until I realized, gosh, this woman doesn't even like me anymore. But I'm fond of her elderly mom and daughter, and over the years have sent holiday cards and gifts to all three. I feel I can't send them now, because I would be excluding the former friend. Also, when her mom passes, do I go to the service? Maybe these are foolish questions, but they trouble me. Our friendship ended on a bitter note.
Thanks for the video. It's also okay to not be friends with someone who doesn't reciprocate romantic feelings. Next time cut the friendship off immediately, Lesson learned.
As someone who’s recently been on the receiving end of a harsh friendship breakup with no clear reason for it, remember that though it’s okay to move on, remember that friendship goes both ways- and so does the pain that comes with ending it. Please just let it drift away. Do it kindly. Remember that kindly often means silently.
I always thought "Not speaking to someone" was a boundary. A boundary usually is not spending time with them or hanging out and getting personal. But saying hello and being civil is good enough.
Being polite and nice when its not how you really feel is to me being inauthentic and dishonest and goes against the foundation of healing which is to be true to self. Taking full ownership of your true feelings is always braver than pretending imo. Deciding not to speak to someone actually is a valid choice of a boundary and suggesting someone should be polite or nice is not supporting or acknowledging her choices at all. To choose to ignore someone is a heavy extreme boundary but in some instances to me it is a valid choice, completely, everywhere, irrespective of location or event.
Relationship from 1960’s from school. Was very progressive, turned into a right wing radical with no respect towards my views. I don’t get into politics but she decided trolling my page was acceptable. It finally blew up and I’m better for it. In looking back as teenagers she’d throw me under the bus in a heartbeat and let me take the brunt of it if we got into trouble. She was always very condescending. Got very religious. (Abortions were fine when she needed one.) I was given a big surprise party; she would have had to travel. For months she dragged out whether she was coming or not never giving the planner an answer until the last minute. Life has been much better without her.
@@TopSecretInformations we were at her sisters townhouse as teens. At 1 in the morning she decides to take her sisters car out for a spin around the complex. Me saying it’s a bad idea but going along. A car turns into the complex, she gets scared, puts it in park, jumps over me to get into the passenger side and pushes me with both feet across the bench seat into the driver’s side. Because ‘I wouldn’t get into as much trouble as she would’. And I put up with that shit. She was always doing the diary of a scam. Sorry you went through that. Everyone has to respect each other’s opinions/religious beliefs. It’s not worth the arguments; none of them on either side ever put a nickel in my pocket. There’s good and bad in either. I’ve voted for either party depending on the candidate.
I just told a 30+ year friend i need a break and cut contact. I had 3 incredibly stressful years with my daughter getting sick and taking 2 years for diagnosis, my FIL and husbands nephews girlfriend diagnosed with cancer, and passed away, my husband aunt died and his bestman from our weddings brother died, cat got sick with cancer, i had health issues and minor surgery. She told me i wasnt a good friend because i never could get together with her, in the past 2 summers, and told me i need to take some responsiblity. After a couple days of thinking, i feel her expectation of having a visìt was unrealistic with everything going on,(shes out off town and would come for a entire day) and that she just totally had no understanding of what was happening in my life and my families, and how stressed and exhausted i was. The more i think about it, the more im good with my choice, and i may not resume any contact.
I spent years hanging out with "friends" who were not worth my time. They were not good quality people and later on i found out i was right. They got into drugs and in serious trouble with the law and living with parents at 45 y/o.
Kinda had to use going silent on an old close friend because I was so taken aback by her. I’m still processing it and accepting that I cannot keep her around anymore. I do know I have to address this with her and fully intend to do so.
Sometimes it’s good to have a break so you can process it all. Also, to work out what to say. I am in a similar situation and am a bit lost for words. I’d like to be direct but polite, being direct is difficult. I’d much rather slowly back away from the friendship and slowly distance myself until there is nothing left.. the new me knows I have to confront this person and it’s playing on my mind.
Omg this vidoe it on time. I went no contact with someone but unfortunately they work in the same building I live. Silent treatment is easy for me so I don't overthink what to say when I run into them. I also don't wanna make small talk. It's draining for me. Alright will say hello and keep it moving
I had friend that’s basically been living a double life for over 15 years and it has been recently brought to my attention, and when I confronted her about it she totally gaslighted me and tried to flip the entire script then deleted me! I guess I’m a liability to her now for fear that I would reveal her secrets to her family, whom she has totally snowed! I’m not telling her secrets because I feel like they will come out on there own. I don’t need to say anything at all because her paper trial will catch up with her soon enough. I can’t trust her so I believe the friendship has come to a close..
I finally set a boundary with a friend who uses me to fulfill a partner roll. I told her I’d help her but would like her to please ask her sons to help her first. She stopped speaking to me. In retrospect, I believe I pointed out her dysfunctional family and that she could not rely on them but she held that against me. I never said no. I only wanted her to expect her sons to start respecting her (they are in the their 20’s). I blocked her and decided to release the friendship. I don’t need the silent treatment by a covert narcissist. I was healing and respecting myself by not being a doormat. Good for me. I’m finally not a doormat.
I'm not saying this trying to do anything except for speak the truth, just a few short months ago, Anna Runkle saved my life with her teachings. Every once in a while I just feel like saying thank you, because that's all I can do. Not looking to people please or anything else. Thank you.
If you want to help your former friend,tell her she needs help(Therapy,Meds,Anger Management Group,etc) and if she cannot handle being in the same healing group,just politely ask her to leave and maybe suggest another group or Therapist She herself can seek out so that you can move on with your life and wish your former friend nothing but the best.. If that makes any sense...
I have been trying to hold onto a small group so called friends and have been feeling more and more alienated. Think it is time for me to let go because it is causing me a lot of angst. Not feeling a part of it anymore. Kind of depressing.
Yup this happened to me recently. I had a friend that I’ve known for 36 years but our friendship just kinda fizzled out. I’m a Christian and he’s not a believer in God and I could tell my beliefs made him feel uncomfortable. I just didn’t have a lot to talk about so I moved on with my life. He wrote me a nasty text when he realized how this was gonna end. I’m sorry I was just being honest.
I used to go to visit everyone from my family, even though I was the only one who didn't own a car. When I got sick and partially unabled, I went less and less, then no more, 'cause I had to rest on week ends to be able to work week days. That's when those relationships stopped. I then realized they were all one way relationships and none of them gave a damn about me. To this day, I'm still the heartless sap who ditched them. It used to hurt to think about this, but I since realized that to have any hope for connection was MY mistake. It is what it is, I don't take it personnal anymore. Humans need to be loved but less to love others. Humans are not bad, they're just unreliable as a specie. Pretense and bullshit, from craddle to grave.
Boy that's a tough one on one hand you have no choice but to protect yourself but you don't want to discourage some one who for sure needs the help. It's hard to be together will people while you and they are purging. I'd just say when meeting again while your acting like this we cant have a relationship outside of this group and you have to respect my boundaries when we see each other here. Sometimes people self sabotage relationships they need before recovery.
I've had a friend who had been very close since elementary school, we are now in our 30s. We've been through a lot together. She's very over emotional and takes everything very personal, and it's become overbearing and overwhelming to be a friend to her as i mayself am pretty emotional. I have to walk on eggshells around her. She expects me to be there for everything she needs, but she is not really the kind of person I feel comfortable being open with anymore. She tends to bad mouth people, and share private information about others, so I don't really trust her with my personal stuff. I've kinda distanced myself from her, but she still refers to me as her best friend, tho we don't really talk or hang out, and I definitely do not feel that way. I'm not sure how to "end the friendship" because I know how she would react. I've just changed personally and feel fake whenever I do speak with her. She has also become very religious over the past few years, whereas I have left religion with quite a bit of trauma I've been working through. It's a delicate situation I'm not sure how to handle, and I'm not good with conflict.
most of the time I agree with your assessments but here, I disagree on 2 points. The writer said that it is out of respect for herself that she does not want to talk to this violent person. Why do you say that this is not a fact? How do you know? Based on what? This is a premise that needs to be acknowledged as true and perhaps, you project your own experience of the silent treatment here and that is just a projection. 2./ The writer states that she attends a group that is a healing group. You seem to encourage her to stay? How is she going to be feeling safe and sharing freely her vulnerable emotions and personal experiences in the presence of an abuser? How is that even a thing? It seems to me that the anonymity is no longer a quality of this particular group and that the person who writes to you or the other one, who yelled needs to leave the group for the number one requirement of such group is safety. Number 2 is anonymity. That's why they are called AA, ACA, CODA, etc that A is Anonymous... From the A comes the safety. This is such example. Luckily, people create friendships that are health based RL in such groups, but clearly, this is not the case here and some actions need to be taken.
@@KAT-dg6el meanwhile, how does she heal? The group is for her healing, not for her being tested. Life is for being tested. She needs a safe environment to also process this experience: not in the presence of an abuser. Perhaps if this was in the presence of a Licensed Trauma therapist in group therapy, the " healing" could be achieved, but certainly not in a 12 step group where people are seeing things through their own wounds.
@@KAT-dg6el It doesn’t sound like Riley is yet in an emotional place where she can do that. It sounds like right now she needs a safe space more than anything else. Learning boundaries will likely come later.
I met my friend 30+ years ago. When she arrived into my neighborhood I was the first to go to her house and ask her if she wants to play. In 2018 she decided it was a good idea to come for me about some petty political BS on someone else's FB page. At first I laughed, then asked why the shade. I asked her kindly, the first time, to take it off our friends FB page and come to me directly. She wouldn't stop talking sh*t on his page, so I called her. She didn't answer so I left a message. Mind you, she had been doing this for a full hour. She texted me back telling me, and this is ridiculous, that she couldn't answer the phone because she was watching a movie with her boyfriends dad. So back to our friend's FB she goes, even though she didn't have time to answer my phone call. So she said something "I'm just being blunt". I said, okay, I can be blunt to: if you don't take this off FB right now, if you continue to come for me over some dumb political nonsense (it was about the red trees Melania put up for Christmas in the WH) I will end this friendship. Well, she wouldn't stop, so I ended it that night. Haven't talked to her since, and that was 2018. She has major depressive disorder, PTSD, and panic disorder. I was the one she always talked to, and said I'm the only one who understands. I hate leaving her like that, I worry always, even have dreams at least once a week about her. But she wouldn't respect my boundary. She treated me like a random stranger on the internet. It was bizarre.
@@TopSecretInformations My friend just couldn't believe some of her friends had the political views we have. She said we changed. When in fact she became so radical in her beliefs suddenly. So radical I was confused because she was never political and made fun of people who believed what she believed. I'm moderate and rarely speak on politics but she made it her full time job on FB. Big projection on her part. I mean FFS it was about Christmas trees! I just started therapy and am in a program to stop drinking. It's been a long time coming. I have a substance abuse social worker, psychiatrist and therapist and group. I'm on naltrexone and it's helping greatly. I've cut back significantly, but my goal is to stop.
❤😊I really appreciate this approach, Anna, because it is such a common occurrence as we grow & recover in our various programs. Meetings are where we go to heal - and to practice recovery behaviors. Unfortunately there’s not a lot of information about handling these situations with grace.
So true!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy i dont know my my trans best friend anymore she told lied about me i been sleeping around i not i saving myself for marraige she not around wehn she is she with her new friend i have eough how end it ?.
Hi
I used to feel the need to be "liked" and felt sad when I wasn't sought out, invited, or included. One magical day I realized that I didn't even LIKE most of these "friends" and I was grasping for something empty because I was empty inside. Imagine the freedom I feel now that I have cut all these cancers right on out of my life. I can't say I really have any friends now, and the few low level acquaintances I do have may not really care, but they aren't dragging me down either. I would rather have no friends than the kind I used to have. NO regrets here.
@@mamabush2160 , same here 👍🏽
Same. I stopped drinking booze everyday and being sober has also changed my view on “friends”.
@@1970joedub Did you find that when you got sober they tried to either sabotage you or became hostile? I have hared others mention this experience.
Same ❤
@@1970joedub drinking buddies and friends are two different things.
I finally broke with my 30 year friendship - politely wishing them all the best for the future. Such a relief and no guilt.
may I ask why ?
I did similar with a 25+ year friendship duo and truly wished them all the best. Truly was the best decision for my life.
Wow! I am amazed! I have always envied people that had friendships that went on forever. At this point in my life God is keeping my circle very very small!
How did you say goodbye or did you just stop communication ?
@@SJ_Vibezz be firm yet polite. you can say, this isn't working for me. We don't seem to be on the same page about things. Let's separate, it's fine, no hard feelings, let's go our separate ways, I wish you all the best. 😘
I’m going through this now with someone I was friends with for 50 years & I feel like we have nothing in common anymore and when I’m around her I feel anxious . I have distanced myself self from her & rarely call her anymore . I feel allot of anxiety when she calls & I don’t want to talk to her .
Think the best way to judge friends is "would they drive me to the hospital if I asked without complaint"
Sadly i have had to actually test that this year and it is not a good feeling. Out of nowhere my friend my depression and agoraphobia stepped up and made me feel very cared for.
People who aren't afraid of boundaries and honor boundaries are usually better friends! Just saying ✨️
I just recently decided to walk away from a five year friendship because it finally dawned on me that for the past two years I had been the one keeping the friendship going. He would never talk with me unless I initiated the contact first. It had been that way for too long, and I've learned over the years to choose people who choose me. I won't beg or chase people anymore. So, I just walked away.
Sometimes relationships just fizzle out and die. It can't be one-sided. No regrets.
Me too. Feels so much better.
My old friendgroup let go of me recently. I've known them for years, and we were all healing but they found problems with me. We were very much in different places in our healing and they all decided that I wasn't getting enough out of therapy.
This turned out to be for the best, because they treated me as the group scape goat as if I created the majority of the problems. I'm grateful now that I'm no longer apart of that group and hope I can find people who won't invalidate and mistreat me.
I ended a 40 plus year friendship recently. Upon healing and growing with my awareness of PTSD from poor childhood upbringing, I realized I was outgrowing the my friend who also had trauma. She wasn’t trying to get better and I no longer felt comfortable. I didn’t want her drama & victim mentality conversations. I tried talking about my concerns & it backfired. She went in a rage and smeared my name. I never retaliated. I just told her we no longer ebb & flow, and this is okay with me.
Thank you for this. I recently walked away from an old friendship at the end of 2022, and it really did feel like a break up. The thing that really did it for me was the disrespect of my boundaries that I repeatedly shared. I used to be a major people pleaser and have been working on self love, and I guess they did not like that change in me and decided to confront me about it instead of respect my boundaries. I used to feel a pit in my stomach seeing their name pop up on my phone knowing they were either going to complain to me, emotional dump, or expect something from me. I ended things gracefully by admitting that we seemed to no longer have the ability to meet each others needs, and walked away. Best decision for self preservation.
It does feel like a major break-up because it is. It's a horrible feeling. I had to do that in 2018 and I still mourn my friend. I don't mind when people come to me to complain or emotional dump. That's the easy part. It's the repeated defiance of our boundaries that creates the tension that leads to the break-up. I'm so sorry you and your friend couldn't work it out. It's all so sad.
I like this tell me more are you ok know, say hi soon?
I chased after my friend for about 20 years. I refuse to have friends who do not give back as much as I do. I did not feel bad about it. I felt released.
Many people don't know how to be friends, nor know what's expected of them.
I'm seeing this with an old long time friend. I had to have a break from her because I was trying to grow and heal from unhealthy behaviour. Now, I still see her but I keep her at arms length. I can't get sucked into her anxiety, depression and often demanding behaviour. I feel I am outgrowing her, I feel guilty in some way but this won't stop me from continuing on the path of healing.
I had to deal with a former 'friend' telling people I was an addict and had an eating disorder, when I'd actually been trafficked and abused.
I didn't feel the need to remain friends any longer.
Heck yeah.
Some people truly need to accept that they can't come with you where you're going in your next chapters. It's just a fact of life. Sometimes they won't let you go without a battle mostly because they'd really miss using you for their own benefit. I figured out who belongs and who deserves to be a priority in my life and who does not and will not be a priority. As for the non-priorities that have raged and fought or gotten angry about my necessary boundary building and act entitled to stay, I've gone NO CONTACT with them completely. I'm cutting them all off during the healing phase and I'm not allowing myself to feel bad or guilty about it like I would have during the time I was a "doormat" aka friend. The most important boundaries seem to be becoming those between me, myself and I. Abusers are gonna abuse, I've faced that, but I was my own worst enemy by allowing them to stay and abuse me. That's over now ...#1 boundary no known abusive person will remain in close proximity to me whether they call themselves a "friend" or not. I'm starting to feel a lot better now...
❤
Your comment really hit home. Snapshot it. Thank you!
thank you, I've done this a number of times with old friends. It's me that's changed not them. People often find that very difficult, they want the old person back. Unfortunately before recovery I was more depressed, more of a people pleaser and less likely to speak my mind. Doesn't surprise me that some don't accept the healthier me. It's sad. But if they feel threatened by the health you are finding then stop hanging round with them. They'll probably bad mouth you, but you are the one that has become more healthy, not them.
Have to agree with you, similar situation happened to me. Have really changed and just don’t ‘click’ the same way with old friends or family like I used to. Time to find a new tribe.
This is tough. I ended a friendship yesterday, and knew I’d feel empty, because it wasn’t all bad. The person is generous in ways, and has been there for me in ways. It’s not like a narcissist where I’m totally angry and broken. It’s the first time I’ve sat back and made a choice about giving up someone that is just “hard to love” so to speak. I can see that it was keeping me damaged. It’s like he died in a way. I do want to talk to him and share the things we had in common.
Had a friend from high school contact me last week, telling me he was going to be in town to visit a friend and would I like to get together for a beer. “Of course! when you arrive, please contact me and let me know your plans.” Long story short….I spent an entire 3-day holiday weekend “on hold” waiting for this call. On Sunday afternoon, he texted to let me know he would text me on Monday. At 4 pm on Monday, he finally texted to meet me in 2 hours. I was so pissed by that time I almost didn’t respond. I texted him, ‘When I hadn’t heard from you by noon, I made other plans.’ I am SO tired of getting treated this way … especially by males, but also female friends. It’s like I’m the one people want to hang out with after they’ve exhausted all other possibilities! He said he would be back in a few months and maybe we could get together then. I almost responded, “Only if you’ve learned better manners by then,” but didn’t, of course. 🙄
I would definitely rewrite your response with a clear boundary. Good luck!! 👍
You should have. What difference would it make? You should have.
I had a very similar experience. In my case, I thought the person was genuine and took her at her word. I value relationships and was happy to meet up. But it turned out she was flakey and I got messed around but it was a very important lesson to learn.
I kind of agree. The person who uses you as Plan B will fly the coop when their "A List" friends appear, so have you really lost anything other than insulting frustration?
That would make me feel really sad. I’m not sure if you have other friends or not, eithier way this isn’t a ‘friend’. I don’t know you but no-one deserves to be treated this way. I’ve had it done to me and it does hurt, so I would suggest don’t let them do it twice and next time he sees you on your terms or nothing.
Thank you. My friend said I was 'bullying her' once I began standing up for myself around her. No more toxicity. Blocked her on everything.
As a 51-year-old dude, I recently just blocked a friend of 15 years because it kept making weird passive-aggressive comments without even telling them.
I'm not scared of them, but I have good enough reason to believe that they looked like a potential flying monkey with estranged family of origin siblings I've gone no contact with over the few years
Hi you send strong say hi soon?
Wow.. ridiculous timing. I let go of a friend just two days ago. Not sure if I'd call it graceful, as to her it came off as sudden, but for me it had been on my mind for many, many months, if not longer. Watching your videos these last few weeks has really helped put things into perspective, realize who is actually there and available both physically and emotionally, allowing me to better navigate the relationship, friends and family portion of my life.
Oh wow! I'm so glad the content helped you with this.
-Cara@TeamFairy
I have never had more than a couple friends at a time. I always asked "does this person contribute to my well being or contaminate it." Too bad I didn't apply that to my partner.
Excellent criteria. There was someone dragging me down in many ways but I felt sorry for them so I refrained from ending it. They ended up ending it when I set a boundary and told them I couldn't help them with their problems anymore. Their vitriolic reaction just showed how they were contaminating, not contributing
Almost 2 years ago I ended an 8 year friendship. She was always there when SHE needed me. Not the other way around.
I do not understand the need to have friends who don't really like us, this includes family. I never thought it was a good idea to chase after someone who doesn't want us. Being alone for a time is wonderful, then we are free to be friendly and kind superficially with everyone I encounter and perhaps one day I will find a good friend, but if not that's alright too.
Great topic! It's so freeing to be able to be polite to someone, yet keep the boundaries in place. In situations with an abusive relative you have to keep seeing at family events, for example, or in meetings where you must encounter someone you've ended a relationship with, being polite yet unavailable is so liberating. You are truly out of the harmful person's influence, while being happy in the group, unbothered by the harmful person's drama, and clearly moving forward without them.
That polite part is hard for me. I'm amazed you can do it. I'll just straight up ignore them, which for me is polite.
@@-norsecode- I can also see how ignoring someone can be polite! When I've had to be around someone who's been abusive to me & acknowledge them in a group setting, it's not at all friendly or warm. It's only a very formal sort of politeness, like the way you would speak to a receptionist when setting up an appointment.
Being ghosted by the person I’d come to see over 6 years as my closest friends has been incredibly painful.
There was no argument, nor arguing, no animosity, no indication anything was wrong. We had talked and worked through so much in our history and lives.
Then she got into a new romantic relationship and started speaking less and then after a few months she stopped calling, or responding to any message I left. I only sent a few (4-5 text or voicemails) messages over 6 months (this is someone I used to speak with around 5 times a week) before accepting she’d ghosted me. It’s completely undermined my trust in everyone.
This is exactly what happened to me. I ended up sending her a text saying she has been a fake friend. And I should have officially ended the friendship months ago. I didn’t mention the new boyfriend. She didn’t bother to ask why I sent her this text.
3 weeks before this video I cut contact with a friend I had been talking to every weekend for years. Let's call her Lou. I was traveling to her city and staying in her apartment because she insisted on it. She has two small dogs and teaches them no limits at all. Her male dog is well behaved enough, surprisingly, but the female dog is just crazy, she would bite me, scratch me and growl and bark at me and my friend would blame me whether I did something or nothing about it - the dog was always right and I was behaving wrongly. I couldn't sneeze, turn around in my bed or open the door and she would wake up the entire neighborhood in a barking fit, so I couldn't even get up to pee in the middle of the night.
Well, one day I had to open the front door to go out and she zoomed across the apartment and past my legs and ran through the corridors and stairs like she was running for her life. Of course I couldn't catch her before she turned a corner and then I couldn't tell if she had gone up or down the stairs, so I desperately called out to Lou to help me find her. We found her on the ground floor, still within the building, in the patio, and she was quite alright, and not in any immediate danger. But Lou was disproportionately pissed at me for "letting" that happen and for "caring so little". On the very next morning she scolded me and yelled at me, called me names and blamed me for her dog "nearly dying". I tried to tell her what happened on my side, and I apologized profusely for not being fast enough to catch her, but Lou would not listen. She grunted at me "you're no longer my friend" and kicked me out of her house. We're both 42 years old, BTW, so this is unusual behavior. So I packed my bags and went to a hotel. And I never spoke to her again.
A mutual friend later told me Lou was expecting a call from me with apologies (even though I had already apologized twice to her in person), and told me she replied to Lou "how do you expect her to call you when you were the one who said you were no longer friends?". But still I didn't hear from Lou. Some time later, I found out she had blocked me on the messaging app we use.
My therapist says she sounds very much borderline, I know she had PTSD, and I have CPTSD, so I feel I did my best, but I do not want toxicity near me again. I never thought I meant so very little to her after 6 years of friendship. Big disappointment. And her aggressiveness sent me on a tailspin, a month later and I'm still feeling the tension and yuckiness in my body.
It's true that you don't have to have boundaries when you are in the company of the good and wise *(like attracts like). I remember growing up as a kid and I could be myself and let my friends be themselves in a healthy exchange. As I grew up I was surrounded by toxic grown-ups and I noticed they didn't respect boundaries. Someone said something interesting today- that we want to stay in our comfort zone because that is our boundary.
Sometimes friendships end because people's interests and lives change and it's not about one person healing and another not, necessarily.
I feel like schools should have programs that incorporate psychology starting at a young age. It's good we have sex ed. But we also need more tools like friendship dynamics, dating, workplace drama, and more. So many things require a therapist to intervene after damage was done. I know when I was a teen I had an abusive friend, but I didn't yet know about stonewalling or gaslighting etc. I had a really hard time when I ended the friendship. Now I have a very deep understanding of that situation. As an adult I am still learning to navigate friendship dilemmas, but I'm MUCH better and I'm so glad you covered this topic!
I am open to all genuine kindness. I don't need drama and gossip.
I heavy-heartedly walked away from a 40-year friendship because we've become distant and I realised, I just don't like her anymore.
I feel like she puts on a fake persona without weaknesses to be liked by everyone and I can no longer form a connection. The person I was friends with is no longer available.
It has slowly increased over the years and now after the sudden death of another friend she didn't give me any emotional support and even got upset that I made the situation "about me".
Her perspective is probably very different.
I am very sad about the closeness we used to have but if I look at it in all honesty that is long gone. What we have now is nothing to keep up.
Sorry to hear that. Hope you can still find a real friend in your life.
Nika@TeamFairy
Sounds like what I went through cutting off a friend I’d made because we understood each others trauma.
Find friends by doing things you like.
Not in recovery meetings.
Not in group therapy.
Boundaries feel like an invisible raincoat. Nod hello, then keep going.
Are you ok more now say hi you seem still in thought try fun things more and do not take trouble to seriously it is weird because you are caring and you want to care lots to have a kind life you can have a kind life and note take thing to seriously if you just say you know you really care as you have proof in your true feeling the you can not deny I hope you can say hi soonI would be grateful?
OMG I needed to hear this video! I had a similar situation but with a coworker. After years of working together I slowly let them in even though I didn't really want to. Their toxicity slowly took over my life until I told them we couldn't be friends anymore. But now when I go to work I give them the silent treatment. I guess it's better to just treat them like a nobody. Like, they're a human but they don't evoke any emotion in you, it's that right Anna?
OMG you some strong and sensible I hope you feel you can say hi maybe soon I would love to talk?
It is definitely ok, not to speak to a person who rages at you, and that is called a boundary as well.
YOU dare suppose to protect your self and not be “polite” to people who have issues with their anger management.
You are your own “loving parent”, and it is you job, to decide what’s best for you.
Yes, people in those meetings have issues, and that is why they are there. And I should know that. I was attending ACA for 3 years all the time. I’ve gotten to a point, when I realized, that some people are stuck, dumb or malicious. There is drama, gossip and rubbish.
And one thing could be at place also. Sometimes “the abusers” can’t handle a simple “hello”, and have no idea what boundaries are.
And that is why YOU and only you decide, what is best for you.
“Normal rules do not apply for abnormal people”.
So, my advice is not to listen to anyone and just listen to your guts.
What do you feel is good for you?
The problem with teaching people to be polite, is that, they wanna be nice, and try to fix things.
Some things can be fixed. And even if they can be fixed, it takes to to tango. Don’t try fixing something, that you didn’t brake.
You don’t have to be polite, if you don’t want to. Cos sometimes forgiveness means an invitation to some more abuse in the future.
That is my take on this topic, and I’ve learned the hard way, with my own mother.
Best regard to you.
Just be polite. Spot on !
Thank you very helpful. My friendship with who I thought was my best of friends, ended a few months ago. We are not friends and we are not enemies, but strangers with memories. She’s been blocked and I have moved on. I live in a gated community, so she just can just drop it to talk. Thanks again. ❤
Yeah, just be chill and nice. People are messy, but I don't like chaos in my personal spaces
Loved your answer. I wasn't sure how this would turn out, but as usual you had a graceful solution.
I had a friend that I met with once a week for dinner and a movie. Sometimes our routine was disrupted by other facets of our lives, but it was a comforting routine that we returned to. Out of the blue, she stopped responding to my texts. As she was in poor health, I was concerned that she might have become seriously ill. I checked in with mutual friends. One told me that they had just run into her with another mutual friend a couple of days before and she was fine.
I have no idea what happened. It is obvious that she wasn't happy with our relationship and ended it. That can happen and I'm not overly concerned about growing apart. I'm angry that she never said or did anything that let me know she was unhappy. Relationships can become stale. Relationships can become damaged. Relationships can heal if everyone understands there is a problem and is willing to work on it. Relationships are important to me and throwing them away without trying to repair them is hurtful.
I had a similar experience. She kind of just stopped talking to me. I wish she would have just told me why. I am wracking my brain wondering what could have happened. Its not like either of us were needy and we would just see each other occasionaly because we both had kids and busy lives. I saw her in a store and right away said hi, and she looked at me and walked the other way. I was shocked. I am left wondering if I did something wrong. I honestly can't think of anything. Our last visist together was like any other in the past. It was pleasant and just catching up on our lives. I am not devastated, but certainly would like to know why.
@@KiaraLemmone it may have to do with her and not you!
@@amyjohnson1967 yes it might. I have seen her in stores a few times since and she still won't speak to me. I wonder some times if someone made up something that isn't true for her to turn on me like that. If I did say something she didn't like I wish she would have told me because I truly never would have said anything intentionally that would hurt her. Its a mystery to me.
It’s very hard being in the other side of this
At 64 I cut ties with several friends. Some were a pain and I didn't enjoy their company anymore and some were perfectly lovely, but I felt we had outgrown each other and felt it was rude of myself to keep turning down their offers to get together. It's weird to have to "break up" with a person, but life is short. I also like being alone and set in my ways so trying to explain myself is beginning to be more of a pain. Happy solo. And happy not caring what people think.
I’ve had terrible endings and less terrible endings and it never pays to be a petty Betty.
Polite respect is definitely the way to go when enforcing boundaries. Giving one person the silent treatment in a room full of people is punishing the whole room!
Once AGAIN! Brilliant and sublime timing …. One 1/2 hr at a time here.
Thank youuuuuu! For walking your talk and SHARING so gracefully and generously.
Standing ovation 👏 for your TEAM.
Wow, thank you!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thanks Fairy! My experience as a people pleaser/uber accommodator was that my very "alpha" friends didn't appreciate the notion that I had an opinion and "suddenly" I decided I wasn't ok with the status quo (following/being directed and unsolicitedly "advised" (bullied)). I guess they never got the memo that every child (in a parent/child relationship) grows up! We can never go back to [them] because they will not tolerate their "child" being an equal or god forbid a leader! I smile and wave and they sneer (and try to control whose company I am "allowed" to have - one in particular refuses to attend if "I'm there".) Maybe some day the other weaklings will get a grip and realize they can actually decide who they want at *their* party and if [they] can't navigate one person they desperately try to vet out in amongst 60 odd people, then *they* be the one to stay home!
Very wise advice. A courteous hello costs nothing, and doesn't mean a renewed friendship.
Life has major transitions in regards to relationships.
The first big one is when you graduate from high school. The friends that you thought would be by your side forever, as you signed each other's year books, slowly drift away. It's kinda difficult, but necessary, as they no longer fit the mosaic of your life.
However, sometimes, a major trauma reunites you in an unexpected way.
For example, my best friend from high school's father passed away this past Fall. He was beloved by everyone in our neighborhood. He had a large funeral, and many former friends reunited, temporarily.
My best HS friend and I were born just hours apart on the same day in 1961. He too moved to Idaho, years later, like I did. He went through a divorce like I did. We both had triumphs and trauma. I went the religious route in life, and he chose to become a pagan partier, but now, as seniors, we have commonality that we might not have had twenty years ago.
Sometimes friendships are no longer a good fit, but years later, they may piece back together in unique ways.
I think we all tend to have an unconscious bias that is actually a belief we have about ourselves, which is Magical Thinking, but that we project onto others. Seems to me I have irrationally, UNCONSCIOUSLY, wanted to believe that when we enter treatment- 12 Steps, groups etc) we are healed. It's the same sort of thing that often keeps people stuck, this way as well, we tend to confuse Awareness of a problem and it's solution, with Doing Differently.
I have spent time in both these traps, thinking that people are safe just because they know they need to change and are taking steps to do so. But the places we go to help us heal are not magic circles in which everyone is suddenly safe! Hell No!!!! I think we project that errant thought onto others because we want to believe it of ourselves and do a little By-Pass. It's so nice to think that once I've gotten my butt to a meeting or group or whatever the activity is, I'm Done! But it just doesn't work that way. Getting there is just the first baby step. Tough 💕
You were spot on again Anna. I don't know why but i even get the feeling that the silent treatment in this case is a form of codependency (control) thinking it will make the other person change or see things differently.
The former friend could be jealous of her because she is further along in her recovery than the former friend is if that makes any sense.. Jealousy is a fool proof friendship destroyer...
Excellent video! It's funny... your videos that pop up for me usually relate to something I'm currently going through or have gone through. I was just unfriended and blocked by someone I have been a very good friend to. I am ok. This isn't because of something I did wrong. I improved my life and this seemed to really upset this person. Thanks for all the amazing videos!
35 years and finally free from a one sided friendship. They don’t even miss you.
I had to cut off one of my closest friends last summer. I felt she was only using me has a dumpster of her issues and to cover up for her lies to her husband who was also my friend. I told her many times i didn’t want to be used like that and to not include me in her made up lies for her to cheat but never stopped. I asked her to not tell me about her lovers but she even liked to share very explicit details and even sex pics, which she would put in front of my face while i was driving. Also never changed her ways for the better. It was like she enjoyed screwing up to show off, weirdly. I miss certain parts of it but i definitely feel more at peace.
Who shows their friend sex pics when they've been told they don't want to hear about it? I don't think I'd show my friend sex pics anyway. Eww. Good move on getting them out of your life.
I appreciate the validation, it feels odd being 20 and more mature than tons of older individuals around me.
I love when attempts to box me into that, you’re just a child kid or what ever. I’m just not about that anymore.
I feel for this person, it’s so difficult to have a toxic person to attempt to eat away at us.
Remember the old saying " Good riddance to bad rubbish!"....
Currently in the place where I've given up on all my old codependent friendships (some were outright bad, some went the route of exfriends showing pushback once I started healing and developing some assertiveness, so I just gracefully distanced myself), and haven't made new ones-- so right now I have no real life friends, but I have good online friends.
I miss being able to do things and share experiences with real life friends beyond just my long term partmer, and making new friends in your 30s isn't easy, but being mostly on my own for now and carefully calibrating my social interactions is better than whatever I did in my past to fit in and get along out of desperation.
Volunteering is always a good way to meet people and you can do it with or without your honey.
I've had this friend for almost 14 years. He's an emotional vampire. He gets people stirred up about whatever gets them riled up, then he basks in the chaos. He also LOVES to play the victim. Very covertly narcissistic. The pandemic came around and gave me the opportunity to finally muster the strength to let the relationship go. I was gaslighting myself for years, buying into his wounded puppy bullshit. His hetero lifemate is another, even more narcissistic know it all. Infuriating to be around. Always correcting everyone about everything, even though she's never had a real job or done anything in her life. Now, I do see the guy once every 6 to 8 weeks for a half hour or hour for coffee. As soon as he launches into his "poor me" bullshit, it's time to go. This way I still see him as a person, but I don't get embroiled in the drama. I flat out REFUSE to spend time with the other one. It's not worth my sanity and joy.
I'm shook to see this notification come up...
I literally had a bestie breakup yesterday and cried all the way home... friendship of ten years down the drain 😔
Poor girl, I feel ya💜
Mine was 23 years. And I didn't even know what I did 'wrong.'
@rudolfforever oh I definitely know what I did wrong but I didn't see the situation playing out another way... I mean of course I had options and I been thinking it over just flipping it over in my brain like some pancakes.... I could have sat there silent and let the verbal abuse go on...or just speak out and say enough is enough.
So basically she told me I'm "the wrong friend to talk to since I don't understand her and I don't listen" ..and the context is cuz shes going through a separation with her husband and she asked what j thought then got so pist when i said things dont make sense to me cuz theres so much to the story not adding up......I know for a FACT I do listen and I'm very open minded but she was so pist I wasn't agreeing with her and she just basically let me know my friendship means nothing... there was so much more but that's the short version of my drama🥺😅 I cried my heart out yesterday but I realize today ....She is one of those people that can't see past her own nose. Just flat out stubborn. And I own my outburst and it wasn't cool that I snapped but...I did and ohwell..she had an earful coming het way cuz no one ever talks back to her...and so yeah...thank u for reading my rambly comment😀🖤
A loving heart is the way to go.
I befriended a woman a few years older than me about eight years ago, she was unemployed and had no other friends. Years later I'm still her only friend, every interaction is draining and she has never done anything to support me back (emotionally or physically), I didn't so much as get a card when I got married. At the moment I'm on maternity leave and she calls incessantly every morning and wakes me up (she's still unemployed). She invites herself over to my house and invades my privacy by going through drawers/using skincare etc. I have to pretend that I'm going to my in-law's house to stop her from coming over to see my newborn (she refuses to wash her hands as she says the baby needs to be exposed to germs to build immunity). I've been trying to gradually cut contact with her for months in the hopes that she'll find someone else and leave
Is there a group I can join and connect with like-minded / like-hearted people here? Thank you so much for the videos you post I cried and healed more than I thought was possible.
Our membership! We have lots of ways to connect. bit.ly/CCF-Courses
-Cara@TeamFairy
What a great explanation for silent treatment. It opened my eyes.
I've ended friendships that had lasted for 35 years. One especially ended over daily disrespectful and insulting comments, then, acting like nothing was wrong and everything was fine, like nothing happened. I had absolutely no regrets ending that one. I told him to literally GFY. Other ones I just ended by zero contact rule.
I can see where Anna is coming from, if a "friend" was coming off as verbally hostile, I would need some space for a while to just heal from it. I don't know if I'd be ready to be polite quite yet. I've had times with ex-friends where I tried to be polite, but they would see that as an opening to begin digging into me, so I had to go no-contact. I didn't talk bad about them to anyone else, I just had to move social circles a little so we didn't cross/overlap. Maybe that is being polite? Still trying to figure out how to handle friend-break ups in the best way it *can* be handled, because it's a terrible thing to go through.
Sought out this video to end a relationship with someone I’ve called my sister. I love her but she’s never been a good friend to me. I just feel like I deserve better. I’ve been going through so much recently, and she’s so self centered. She has growing to do that I can’t help her with. I don’t want any bad blood, but I have to put me first.
Breaking a long friendship can be hurtful and not easy, when I think a friendship is not right for me for any reason, I just stop hanging around that person, but if I see him or her I say Hi and have little chat, but I do not ask or tell anything personal, and then say see you later take care. I'm cordial with people, because we all have stuff in our life that we have to work on because nobody is perfect.
Thanks for sharing this. -Calista@TeamFairy
I had a Friend whom turned on me recently out of jealousy and her misplaced guilt trip on a recent job I was offered - she was not offered a different position but w the same agency. She tried to kill my joy and projected a bunch of crap onto me, that isn't mine. I was in shock at her behavior. I only need a couple of Friends in my life- not many. But as an introvert its difficult. Im really sad about it and feel betrayed. However Im learning to trust my gut -the FIRST time. I was bothered by how much she gossiped and knew a lot of drama within our employer...I should have just trusted me... that she was not trustworthy.
Thank you for sharing your experience with us. We're here to support you!
Nika@TeamFairy
I have been on the healing path for many years. The last year has been more intense, particularly with my physical health. Currenty in between living situations/places to call home. Am a gardener, grower of food, looking for a garden/home. Challenging times
I’d offer the suggestion treat her with the politeness you’d give to a stranger you met on the street. You can have distance without coldness. Like you wouldn’t kick a stranger down the stairs for no reason, right? I would say don’t do that to her either. Aim for like a professional kind of distance.
I had a friend who was there for me when my marriage was on the rocks. My husband and I separated and this friend and I were constant companions. My husband and I were able to legitimately repair our marriage. This friend was never the same towards me again. It was clear she liked me a lot more when my life was in tatters. I had to dismiss her. She was very important to me and thinking about this still gives me pain.
Yes, I've had friends like that.
I met someone 2 years ago and we became vey close. She has a drinking problem. Tonight we were out and had a disagreement over a general subject. She told me “I’ve been tired of your perspective for a while”..I said ok, got up and left. It hurts but I’m also relieved because she likes to go out drinking multiple days of the week for hours and I want to get healthy. It still hurts
Advice please! I just walked away from a 30-year friendship. She had a superior attitude, always made little digs at my expense, until I realized, gosh, this woman doesn't even like me anymore. But I'm fond of her elderly mom and daughter, and over the years have sent holiday cards and gifts to all three. I feel I can't send them now, because I would be excluding the former friend. Also, when her mom passes, do I go to the service? Maybe these are foolish questions, but they trouble me. Our friendship ended on a bitter note.
Thanks for the video. It's also okay to not be friends with someone who doesn't reciprocate romantic feelings. Next time cut the friendship off immediately, Lesson learned.
As someone who’s recently been on the receiving end of a harsh friendship breakup with no clear reason for it, remember that though it’s okay to move on, remember that friendship goes both ways- and so does the pain that comes with ending it. Please just let it drift away. Do it kindly. Remember that kindly often means silently.
I always thought "Not speaking to someone" was a boundary. A boundary usually is not spending time with them or hanging out and getting personal. But saying hello and being civil is good enough.
I think you are really Diane Keaton, taking time out from acting to give us great advice here!
Being polite and nice when its not how you really feel is to me being inauthentic and dishonest and goes against the foundation of healing which is to be true to self. Taking full ownership of your true feelings is always braver than pretending imo. Deciding not to speak to someone actually is a valid choice of a boundary and suggesting someone should be polite or nice is not supporting or acknowledging her choices at all. To choose to ignore someone is a heavy extreme boundary but in some instances to me it is a valid choice, completely, everywhere, irrespective of location or event.
Honestly something like this is why I got so obsessive with watching psychology videos.
I hope Riley doesn’t leave her position of leadership at the program. 🎉 Don’t talk to that person but don’t let them get you out of character
This could not be more relevant and important for me to watch today. Thank you CCF! You are helping me so much 💚💚💚
Relationship from 1960’s from school. Was very progressive, turned into a right wing radical with no respect towards my views. I don’t get into politics but she decided trolling my page was acceptable. It finally blew up and I’m better for it. In looking back as teenagers she’d throw me under the bus in a heartbeat and let me take the brunt of it if we got into trouble. She was always very condescending. Got very religious. (Abortions were fine when she needed one.)
I was given a big surprise party; she would have had to travel. For months she dragged out whether she was coming or not never giving the planner an answer until the last minute. Life has been much better without her.
@@TopSecretInformations we were at her sisters townhouse as teens. At 1 in the morning she decides to take her sisters car out for a spin around the complex. Me saying it’s a bad idea but going along. A car turns into the complex, she gets scared, puts it in park, jumps over me to get into the passenger side and pushes me with both feet across the bench seat into the driver’s side. Because ‘I wouldn’t get into as much trouble as she would’. And I put up with that shit. She was always doing the diary of a scam.
Sorry you went through that. Everyone has to respect each other’s opinions/religious beliefs. It’s not worth the arguments; none of them on either side ever put a nickel in my pocket. There’s good and bad in either. I’ve voted for either party depending on the candidate.
I just told a 30+ year friend i need a break and cut contact. I had 3 incredibly stressful years with my daughter getting sick and taking 2 years for diagnosis, my FIL and husbands nephews girlfriend diagnosed with cancer, and passed away, my husband aunt died and his bestman from our weddings brother died, cat got sick with cancer, i had health issues and minor surgery. She told me i wasnt a good friend because i never could get together with her, in the past 2 summers, and told me i need to take some responsiblity. After a couple days of thinking, i feel her expectation of having a visìt was unrealistic with everything going on,(shes out off town and would come for a entire day) and that she just totally had no understanding of what was happening in my life and my families, and how stressed and exhausted i was. The more i think about it, the more im good with my choice, and i may not resume any contact.
Yeah -- it is right .... friendships that are no longer real should be ended.....
I spent years hanging out with "friends" who were not worth my time. They were not good quality people and later on i found out i was right. They got into drugs and in serious trouble with the law and living with parents at 45 y/o.
Kinda had to use going silent on an old close friend because I was so taken aback by her. I’m still processing it and accepting that I cannot keep her around anymore. I do know I have to address this with her and fully intend to do so.
Sometimes it’s good to have a break so you can process it all. Also, to work out what to say. I am in a similar situation and am a bit lost for words. I’d like to be direct but polite, being direct is difficult. I’d much rather slowly back away from the friendship and slowly distance myself until there is nothing left.. the new me knows I have to confront this person and it’s playing on my mind.
@red76 Exactly! Taking the time just to find the words and address it correctly and with sincerity is weighing so heavily right now.
Omg this vidoe it on time. I went no contact with someone but unfortunately they work in the same building I live.
Silent treatment is easy for me so I don't overthink what to say when I run into them. I also don't wanna make small talk. It's draining for me. Alright will say hello and keep it moving
I had friend that’s basically been living a double life for over 15 years and it has been recently brought to my attention, and when I confronted her about it she totally gaslighted me and tried to flip the entire script then deleted me! I guess I’m a liability to her now for fear that I would reveal her secrets to her family, whom she has totally snowed! I’m not telling her secrets because I feel like they will come out on there own. I don’t need to say anything at all because her paper trial will catch up with her soon enough. I can’t trust her so I believe the friendship has come to a close..
I finally set a boundary with a friend who uses me to fulfill a partner roll. I told her I’d help her but would like her to please ask her sons to help her first. She stopped speaking to me. In retrospect, I believe I pointed out her dysfunctional family and that she could not rely on them but she held that against me. I never said no. I only wanted her to expect her sons to start respecting her (they are in the their 20’s). I blocked her and decided to release the friendship. I don’t need the silent treatment by a covert narcissist. I was healing and respecting myself by not being a doormat. Good for me. I’m finally not a doormat.
I'm not saying this trying to do anything except for speak the truth, just a few short months ago, Anna Runkle saved my life with her teachings. Every once in a while I just feel like saying thank you, because that's all I can do. Not looking to people please or anything else. Thank you.
Thank you for speaking up. That may save another persons life.
If you want to help your former friend,tell her she needs help(Therapy,Meds,Anger Management Group,etc) and if she cannot handle being in the same healing group,just politely ask her to leave and maybe suggest another group or Therapist She herself can seek out so that you can move on with your life and wish your former friend nothing but the best.. If that makes any sense...
I have been trying to hold onto
a small group so called friends and have been feeling more and more alienated. Think it is time for me to let go because it is causing me a lot of angst. Not feeling a part of it anymore. Kind of depressing.
Yup this happened to me recently. I had a friend that I’ve known for 36 years but our friendship just kinda fizzled out. I’m a Christian and he’s not a believer in God and I could tell my beliefs made him feel uncomfortable. I just didn’t have a lot to talk about so I moved on with my life. He wrote me a nasty text when he realized how this was gonna end. I’m sorry I was just being honest.
I realized that female friendships are hard to keep.
I used to go to visit everyone from my family, even though I was the only one who didn't own a car. When I got sick and partially unabled, I went less and less, then no more, 'cause I had to rest on week ends to be able to work week days. That's when those relationships stopped. I then realized they were all one way relationships and none of them gave a damn about me. To this day, I'm still the heartless sap who ditched them. It used to hurt to think about this, but I since realized that to have any hope for connection was MY mistake. It is what it is, I don't take it personnal anymore. Humans need to be loved but less to love others. Humans are not bad, they're just unreliable as a specie. Pretense and bullshit, from craddle to grave.
Long lasting friendships are a beautiful, beautiful.thing. They should be treated like that
Boy that's a tough one on one hand you have no choice but to protect yourself but you don't want to discourage some one who for sure needs the help. It's hard to be together will people while you and they are purging. I'd just say when meeting again while your acting like this we cant have a relationship outside of this group and you have to respect my boundaries when we see each other here. Sometimes people self sabotage relationships they need before recovery.
I've had a friend who had been very close since elementary school, we are now in our 30s. We've been through a lot together. She's very over emotional and takes everything very personal, and it's become overbearing and overwhelming to be a friend to her as i mayself am pretty emotional. I have to walk on eggshells around her. She expects me to be there for everything she needs, but she is not really the kind of person I feel comfortable being open with anymore. She tends to bad mouth people, and share private information about others, so I don't really trust her with my personal stuff. I've kinda distanced myself from her, but she still refers to me as her best friend, tho we don't really talk or hang out, and I definitely do not feel that way. I'm not sure how to "end the friendship" because I know how she would react. I've just changed personally and feel fake whenever I do speak with her. She has also become very religious over the past few years, whereas I have left religion with quite a bit of trauma I've been working through. It's a delicate situation I'm not sure how to handle, and I'm not good with conflict.
most of the time I agree with your assessments but here, I disagree on 2 points. The writer said that it is out of respect for herself that she does not want to talk to this violent person. Why do you say that this is not a fact? How do you know? Based on what? This is a premise that needs to be acknowledged as true and perhaps, you project your own experience of the silent treatment here and that is just a projection. 2./ The writer states that she attends a group that is a healing group. You seem to encourage her to stay? How is she going to be feeling safe and sharing freely her vulnerable emotions and personal experiences in the presence of an abuser? How is that even a thing? It seems to me that the anonymity is no longer a quality of this particular group and that the person who writes to you or the other one, who yelled needs to leave the group for the number one requirement of such group is safety. Number 2 is anonymity. That's why they are called AA, ACA, CODA, etc that A is Anonymous... From the A comes the safety. This is such example. Luckily, people create friendships that are health based RL in such groups, but clearly, this is not the case here and some actions need to be taken.
@@KAT-dg6el meanwhile, how does she heal? The group is for her healing, not for her being tested. Life is for being tested. She needs a safe environment to also process this experience: not in the presence of an abuser. Perhaps if this was in the presence of a Licensed Trauma therapist in group therapy, the " healing" could be achieved, but certainly not in a 12 step group where people are seeing things through their own wounds.
@@KAT-dg6el It doesn’t sound like Riley is yet in an emotional place where she can do that. It sounds like right now she needs a safe space more than anything else. Learning boundaries will likely come later.
My ex best friend of 7 years ghosted me and then later tried to tell me Happy New Year at a party. I told her to f*ck off. 😂
Another old saying"If you have nothing nice to say,don't say anything at all!!"...
always such relevant topics! thank you anna! big hugs to you❤️
Glad you like them!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I met my friend 30+ years ago. When she arrived into my neighborhood I was the first to go to her house and ask her if she wants to play. In 2018 she decided it was a good idea to come for me about some petty political BS on someone else's FB page. At first I laughed, then asked why the shade. I asked her kindly, the first time, to take it off our friends FB page and come to me directly. She wouldn't stop talking sh*t on his page, so I called her. She didn't answer so I left a message. Mind you, she had been doing this for a full hour. She texted me back telling me, and this is ridiculous, that she couldn't answer the phone because she was watching a movie with her boyfriends dad. So back to our friend's FB she goes, even though she didn't have time to answer my phone call. So she said something "I'm just being blunt". I said, okay, I can be blunt to: if you don't take this off FB right now, if you continue to come for me over some dumb political nonsense (it was about the red trees Melania put up for Christmas in the WH) I will end this friendship. Well, she wouldn't stop, so I ended it that night. Haven't talked to her since, and that was 2018. She has major depressive disorder, PTSD, and panic disorder. I was the one she always talked to, and said I'm the only one who understands. I hate leaving her like that, I worry always, even have dreams at least once a week about her. But she wouldn't respect my boundary. She treated me like a random stranger on the internet. It was bizarre.
@@TopSecretInformations My friend just couldn't believe some of her friends had the political views we have. She said we changed. When in fact she became so radical in her beliefs suddenly. So radical I was confused because she was never political and made fun of people who believed what she believed. I'm moderate and rarely speak on politics but she made it her full time job on FB. Big projection on her part. I mean FFS it was about Christmas trees!
I just started therapy and am in a program to stop drinking. It's been a long time coming. I have a substance abuse social worker, psychiatrist and therapist and group. I'm on naltrexone and it's helping greatly. I've cut back significantly, but my goal is to stop.