Why Adult Children Estrange (When Parents are Not Toxic) | Ep.69
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 4 ต.ค. 2024
- Wondering why adult children estrange from their parents? In this video you will learn key research-backed reasons why adult children cut off from their parents.
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SHOW NOTES / RESOURCES:
○ Why Adult Children Estrange (When Parents Are Not Toxic) → morinholistict...
○ Feeling Heartbroken and Alone? How to Pick up the Pieces When You are Estranged:
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RECOMMENDED READING:
○ Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them by Karl A. Pillmer → amzn.to/3AVWttQ
○ Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict by Joshua Coleman → amzn.to/3uRh4OH
○ Family Estrangement: A matter of perspective by Kylies Agllias → amzn.to/3gkBwz0
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○ How to Cope with Family Estrangement (video series) → • How to Cope with Famil...
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ABOUT THIS VIDEO:
Many estranged adult children will state their parents were toxic. Research shows that toxic parenting is not the only reason for estrangement. In fact, many of the reasons rarely happened singularly. Estrangement hits 27% of the United States population, leaving all parties emotionally harmed. The process of cutting off from parents is rarely a quick decision. Instead, estrangement results from years of challenging circumstances. This video discusses why adult children estrange even when parents are not toxic.
LINK TO VIDEO: • Why Adult Children Est...
DISCLAIMERS:
ESTRANGEMENT AND ABUSE: When considering the possibility of reconciling with an emotionally and or physically abusive great care is required. Reconciling may only be possible if the abuser is willing to work with a family therapist. When there is abuse, individuals estrange out of necessity and self-preservation. Consider if it is safe to resume a relationship with an abusive family member without evidence that the abuser has changed or takes responsibility for their harmful actions.
RESOURCES BY STATE ON VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN:
www.womensheal...
ncadv.org/reso...
National Domestic Violence Hotline - www.thehotline...
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My 22 year of son has not contacted me in two years. He does communicate with his brother who still lives with my husband and me. The estranged son was not abused in any way. I’ve tried countless times to get ahold of him but he will not return my calls, etc. this may sound strange but could anyone reading this please pray for my son that he’s ok and will contact me
I am praying for you and your family in this very moment. I pray that GOD will send you peace above all things, and open doors for you all beyond imagination. Bless you, and may GOD continue to keep you. In JESUS name. Amen. 🙏
As someone who has estranged their parents, and was not abused, it may come down to the simple fact that he may just not like you as a friend. Perhaps as he grew he realized that at a certain point he'll have the voice of whether or not you meet the qualifications of someone who would LIKE to have in his life. Maybe he doesn't see the relationship as mutually beneficial. (Does he feel better when you walk into the room, or does he feel better when you leave the room?) I wasn't abused by my mother at all! but, when I turned 18 and realized that EVERY time my mother called me I groaned and sighed, and frankly didn't feel like every dealing with her, I had anxiety to get her approval but when she gave it it always felt cheap, like it wasn't even with the trouble. And that went on since I was very little. Your son might just not like you as a person, as painful as that might sound I say it in good health to you!! Cause that might just mean that you need to point blank ask your son what YOU need to do to maybe meet those qualifications, or maybe ask some other family. I really really hope things work out for you, and I hope giving my two sense wasn't isn't taken wrong, trust me as an estranged child- your son probably misses you. But YOU as the parent have to fix the situation through boundaries and understanding. (Good luck 🤞)
@@julisakyani6306 but what I don’t understand is that he and I were very close while he grew up, and I would take him and his brother on a lot of fun outings, have him what he wanted for Christmas and birthdays, and showed them lots of love
@@Gemini1kibblesnbits thank u so much for that😊
Please don't listen to the commenter saying it's up to you to fix the situation. Your son estranged from you, not the other way around. I'm not saying don't reach out ever.... just that it's not your sole responsibility to make it right. Because that implies that you are mommy and he is a kid. NO. He made his choice. It's caused you great pain and you must take care of yourself as best you can while he lives his life and hopefully comes around at some point. Some of these adult children have completely unrealistic expectations of their parents and are so unforgiving of any transgression. I'm not referring to abusive parental situations obviously. Those young people absolutely should cut ties if it's right for them. I feel like love for family... when they're basically good people and maybe you argue occasionally but you still know they love you.... should always win out but it's a Godless society and social media doesn't help.
I get it because my daughter has cut off me and her sisters because we don't like her bf. We have MORE than enough reasons!!! She herself has said she's not attracted to him and doesn't know why she's with him. It's a helpless feeling. I loved her and supported her. Took her to therapy for years. Helped her through her eating disorder that nearly killed her. The hateful and vile things she has screamed at me got so bad, I thought I really can't continue anymore. She got physically abusive, too. Parenting her is the hardest thing I've ever done. She never took any advice from me. Nearly failed high school. Overdrafts constantly. Won't get on birth control and uses emergency contraception with the bf. Spends on Uber and Door dash and can't pay her bills. Late to work daily. Definitely some undiagnosed mental health issues. I'm at my wits end. Found out she's moving out of state with him and wasn't going to tell us. It's a nightmare. Praying for everyone in this situation 🙏
My father used me as his punching bag. he humiliated me in front of people. One day I had had enough. i walked away from him and told myself I will NEVER put myself at risk again.
I went full no-contact. It was hard, my sisters and mother said they thought it was me, not him.
He died a year later and I have never felt this much relief.
I didn’t see where you mentioned estrangement caused by an adult child’s spouse. My son changed his phone number, email, moved, started using a PO Box, stoped social media and blocked his best man and childhood friend on Twitter. We were dropped solely because his new wife didn’t want him to have a relationship with us or anyone else.
Yes. This question needs answering too!
How was the new wife treated?
High number of lady bow wows.. Hate their man's first love. Or any woman being stronger than them.
Maybe well treated… mine was well treated, but this malignant narcissistic wanted my son’s house so she wanted me to influence my son to get out of his house. Of course I said no. Long story short: when she realized she could not manipulate me, she has turned my son against me. She is destroying another man at the present time but keeps my son on the back burner in case she would not have anybody else…. I miss my son and love him, but he wants it like that, so I respect that. I have many friends and sisters. Parents: stop begging, stop crying, stop being a banking machine, stop being a convenient store and let them go !!!
I have a similar situation. My son married this extremely difficult woman. She insulted me, yelled at me for no reason and my son said he knew and could see how she was, but she would always turn things around and blame me for her behavior. Her mother even told me one time not to take it personal she was like that to everyone. Before they even married, she told me I would talk to my son when she allowed it. He also cut his relationships with friends, family and even his brother. She was extremely abusive and aggressive and always screaming even to my son. I worry about my granddaughters who I haven’t seen in two years. She has now left him for another man, but he still did not respond when I texted or called him to see how he was holding up. Now I fear that I will never see my granddaughters again.
“The foundation of estrangement is a sense of disconnection. The adult child feels like they don’t belong. ‘’ What’s interesting to me is,as the mother, I’m the one who feels this sense of disconnection. I feel like a third wheel. I feel like the one left out. Perhaps my adult child feels the same way towards me. You talked about almost every problem and circumstances I’m dealing with. Thank- You so much for this series of videos. You have helped me enormously.
Hi Elizabeth: Thank you for sharing here. It is so true that mothers feel disconnected when their adult child estranges. Estrangement is so very painful. It is helpful to be empathetic towards your adult child. It is hard on them too. Are there any topics you would be interested in learning more about? I appreciate your writing. Warmly, Marie
adults are not children. you can say offspring or sons and daughters. but they are not children. the "raising" is complete.
@@legalfictionnaturalfact3969 It's like some parents don't know how to transition into being peers with their children. They always see themselves in some parent role. It's odd because good parents and the parent/child relationship grow as the child does. I would like to think a good parent doesn't parent a 10 year old the way they would a 3 year old. I found as a child of dysfunction that my mother talked to me as a small child the way one would talk to an adult and as a woman in my forties (before I cut her out) she would talk to me like one would talk to an intellectually challenged 5 year old. The idea of talking to/interacting with me on an age appropriate level just never happened. I have to wonder how common that dynamic is because you sure hear a lot of estranged parents bragging on how wise they are and how immature their off-spring is even if their 'child' is in their 30's/40's or older.
@@ellyk8834 oh absolutely. it's really strange. i recall my mother (with whom i now have no contact) telling me lies that only a small child might believe. i used to assume she pretty much told me the truth about things. then like a magic eye picture, i once noticed her telling me a bald faced lie to get me to go to church with her, and from there i could see a whole lattice of her lies in our past.
i'm anti-theist and she despises me for it. she wanted her children to turn out in a certain way and put up a certain image. i don't fit it. so f u c k me, i guess.
@@legalfictionnaturalfact3969Just curious if you have any kids?
Despite all that you say, the majority of estranged children are lacking something because so many of the parents i meet are not worthy of such dishonor. Unless there was terrible abuse, a cold cut off is not only inhumane, it reflects badly on the character of that child, who demonstrably lacks integrity. Since integrity is key in any relationship. this lack on the part of the estranged child is proof that the grieving parent is actually better off without such a treacherous person in their life. Ah,,,but Karma commeth as excuses bite the dust!
I'm not particularly religious but I think the Ten Commandment as a set of rules to live by makes a lot of sense. Included in that is "to honor thy father and mother" so the concept that adult children owe their parents back some of the things their parents have given them is NOT exactly new. There are 2.6 billion people in the world that profess to be Christians so the concept is not exactly isolated either. Most millennial children know they will always have their parents unconditional love and a parent's capacity for forgiveness is usually unlimited. Is it somehow wrong to expect the adult child to give their parents some of the same considerations? What does it mean to be family if upon reaching adulthood everyone believes the world revolves around them and only their happiness? When an adult demands that everyone must tolerate anything he does, no one better disagree and they're always right, are we going to call that "respecting boundaries" to make that attitude sound nicer? It will be interesting is to see how these adult children feel when their own children grow up and treat them the same way. Why aren't you therapists more focused on preserving and reteaching traditional family values to children.
Many of these children are so broken they don't even have kids of their own, so don't worry about their unborn children. When they heal, they are cycle breakers and their children are happy, when they continue the toxic pattern, their children will either be codependent and forever obey, or maybe have a chance in life of becoming a cycle breaker.
BRAVO!!!!👏 THIS.... Agree 💯. If I didn't agree with everything my daughter said and did, I was a "stupid f'ing white bit**". She was always so haughty and hateful, never giving me even so much as a passing respect. She got physical and I'm physically disabled! She had completely delusional ideas and when I tried to speak rationally, she immediately got furious and would scream for hours and threaten me. In spite of all of it, I would never turn my back on her and love her the same. I encouraged her to get counseling and said I'd do it with her. Nope. She wasn't interested. She has never apologized once or admitted any fault. She has massive control issues. But when she finally realized I wasn't going to be manipulated and controlled...... she told me she was "done with me".
@@awesomelydifferentThis makes sense if the person comes from an abusive situation but not if they grew up in a normal family with normal love and conflict.
Another great response. Could I get you to talk to someone for me? lol
@@awesomelydifferent they dont have their own kids because they cant afford them or houses.
Decent parents don’t expect their kids to be there for them when they’re really needed, but I think many feel as though they’ve failed to instil a reasonable level of morals, ethics and standards in their kids when they’re abandoned by them.
And a good parent doesn’t live vicariously through their adult kids, but how their children behave will always be a reflection of your parenting; sadly, your kids’ behaviour is out of your control once they come of age and, in this messed up society, it seems to be okay to be obnoxious, unrealistic and childish.
Who is that parent your talking about? It sounds like there is mass amounts of terrible parents. This all ends when the adult Children decide to give parents the same level of grace they give their friends. Let's be real!
@@lisac8509, there are massive amounts of parents who shouldn’t be given a pet rock to care for, let alone the life of a small human who is incapable of fending for themselves. I’ve seen the result of neglect and abuse as I used to take parents to prison for it, and I also used to take their kids to prison, too… monkey see, monkey do.
If you need any more proof, look at the lack of respect for elders by young people nowadays. Such respect has been dwindling for at least the last 50 years, but it’s at an all-time low at the moment. Open your eyes and look around you. Adult children no longer feel any obligation to their families, not just their parents. They prefer their friends, because their friends don’t care about them like their family does and, let’s face it, decent parents won’t let their kids do whatever the hell they want. If you haven’t noticed, people in general (but especially younger ones) know what they want, but don’t necessarily know what’s best for them. That’s what parents are for.
Maybe it is YOU who needs to be real.
We have four elders from 84-90. Believe me. If we weren’t “there for them” (and this isn’t fun) I don’t know how they would survive safely.
Yes. These are the ethics you discount.
@@mmiller1011, I’m not sure I understand what you mean by, “These are the ethics you discount”. Having watched both of my parents die in 2008, having helped nurse our mother for many months because the staff at the nursing home were useless (and I was manually monitoring my darling Mother’s vital signs as there was no medical equipment there… and I called her time of death after feeling her heart struggle to keep going, even after it had already stopped once) I think I have at least a vague idea of what a decent, adult child will do for their parent(s).
And I helped them out as much as I could for many years before that, although they were largely independent despite their age and declining health. I’m going by the Golden Rule, i.e. do unto others as you would have others do unto you. And it’s a form of honouring one’s Mother and Father while they’re still around to reap the benefits of all their hard work.
I think it’s safe to say that this is only what any decent parent reasonably expects from their adult offspring 🙏🏼❤️
And be glad that you have so many elders left to learn from. I mourn the loss of my parents every day, even after all this time. It’s Fathers Day on Sunday, where I live, and I’m jealous of those who still have their Dad around but who have not the least bit of love or respect for him. And a mere six days after that is the 15th anniversary of my Mother’s death. While I’ll be celebrating their lives, I will also be grieving and crying and wishing I’d done better by them while they were still alive. I can’t change that, but I can be a better person because of, and for, them ❤️
@@lindajohnson9282 Don't project your own experience onto the experience of others. It's dangerous. There's a wide variety of experiences, as many as there are people to have them. Just because you and your friends have had a hard time doesn't mean that this person deserves to be castigated by you.
I am estranged from my youngest son; he gravitates towards those people who don't hold him accountable for his actions. He has returned home five times... and I am tired of chasing him. I told him that I have cut the apron strings... he is so busy trying to act like someone on tv, instead of figuring out who he is....I must not have been all bad for him to return so many times', but as soon as he got comfortable he started acting like he has no rules, my prodigal son can wander around the wilderness until he comes to himself, I will be around,
If he is an adult, you had best give up the belief that you have rules for him to follow. DO you have rules for the neighbor 3 streets over from you to follow? If you do, do they come hang with you?
@@talonscorpio6670
Now this is a weird response.. if my son is in my house grown or not .. I have rules…. Respect my house.. yes he is an adult he can come and go.. but clean up after yourself, if you are not coming home let me know.. it is called consideration… when I visit my parents and go out.. I let them know.. etc… the people 3 streets over don’t live in my house goof!!
@@Passion-X Of course you have rules in your house! There are rules everywhere. There are rules if he lives in an apartment that he pays for, rules in a neighborhood, rules in a city, rules at the homeless shelter. The world has gone bat crap crazy with the response like the one you received from Talon Scorpio.
I found it interesting that the video is entitled, "Why Adult Children Estrange (WHEN PARENTS ARE NOT TOXIC), yet she spends the whole time talking from the perspective of things parents have done wrong resulting in their child deciding to push their parents out of their lives. Hmmmmm!!!
I see it as parents who ARE toxic but don't THINK they're toxic would click on this because of the title - only to be met with all of these behaviors as being toxic. You would think these people would self reflect on their own behaviors, but unfortunately toxic people don't do that.
Works both ways and to imply there are no "good parents" out there suffering because of very "toxic" adult children is unreasonable and extremely unrealistic. @@jynclr
I had a bad childhood but I can not blame my parents for my life
because I am the problem in my life. I have the ability to know that I am running my own life and making my own problems
and I know I can over come and correct myself. Once you realize
you are the center point in your life you will stop blaming everyone but yourself. It is your fault you are not happy.
Take responsibility for your actions and correct them. You will then become happier. I got hit and I got abused but it is not
happening now, I am ok. I am safe and I know who I am and what
I am capable of doing for the rest of my life.
My guess is 90% of parents are not toxic. Something strange is going on and it's not good. 😮
Society is toxic, and it was made that way by previous generations trying to control the will of future generations. When children grow into adults and start to realize what they have been saddled with by those previous generations, they lash out at the easiest target from those generations, their parents. This doesn't mean that the parents are blameless. To the contrary, they were bad custodians of the rights of their children.
JUST happened to me. You are correct.
I agree and I'm in the same situation trying to keep the peace but its so hard! I need to see a counsellor or I will end up on medication 😢
Absolutely right
Yep, the youngsters these days think they are somehow "better" than their parents and that contact with them will contaminate them especially when they develop new religious or political beliefs. The young have zero sense of family because too many get their thoughts and validation from social media.
My adult daughter has banned me from her life for the last 6 years. My big problem is I don't know what I did! I can't see my 6 grandkids which is just breaking my heart. 😢 Recently my son has also distanced himself too! I cry alot!
More common with son than daughter..
Sorry to hear that, that's so sad.
I guarantee you you know what you did because I firmly believe she told you. We tell our parents but they dismiss us and invalidate us. This is a typical comment from a parent with the "missing missing reasons."
@@jynclr the old salt in the wound comment..well done.
Some of us have NOT been told the reason!
The first reason you state for estrangement is the closeness of the parents and adult children. Talking about things, closeness sharing and being in their lives and supporting one another. Isn't that what families are suppose to do? Then a parent gets ill and the kids take off because of the stress of it. Does that seem right to anyone?
For real!
I feel like I didn’t do that enough and that I was so busy raising them (feeding, clothing them etc) that I didn’t take the time to develop a strong relationship with them.
@@SL-bo7ui You gave them what they needed I am sure. We are parents not friends to them. As they age the bond develops differently I think, more of a friendship. Many parents worked outside the home then came hope to the second job of raising children and running a household. Exhausted we put ourselves last.
This is all very accurate and all the reasons why i chose to stay far away from my father and his wife. Your mental health and wellbeing must come first. Do not allow yourself to be guilt tripped and manipulated into thinking otherwise.
How about when your child is 30 years old and is verbally abusive to the parent and grandparents and only calls for money and rages at the elders when money isn’t being given anymore. What kind of estrangement is THAT?
That is abusive. My child is manipulated and coached by such groups of people. We need to learn encounter that. Similar like the US and China were dragged into the Ukrainian-Russian war.
It’s a temper tantrum
That’s better known as an entitled punk
Amen. Young people today are a mess.
That's when you have every right to separate yourself from that relationship, unless of course, all attempts at resolving the conflict have not been tried. A person can only take so much abuse when enough is enough.
All of these would encourage me to be with my mother….these are all brat spoiled kid things
Alcoholic family dynamics are the reason I cut ties with my family. It became clear well into my adult years that I would remain the scapegoat who not only deserved but needed to be constantly corrected, chastised, even publicly humiliated and I should never object but *learn* from them. Ironic as I lived a very responsible life and well-regarded by everyone else.
I’m not a parent but I am a recovered alcoholic who grew up with non-alcoholic parents. I’m also now a therapist and psych. Nurse.
Your estrangement is valid. Even if your parents are sober, they have to make things right by first taking ownership and apologize for what they’ve done. It can take a few years of consistent sobriety before they could even think of beginning to earn back your trust.
I’m in my 16th year of recovery and my I told my husband of 7 years that it’s 100% my responsibility for my sobriety. Period.
If I relapse, I am the own to take the responsibility to get help right away. If I don’t do this, he has every reason to leave. Period.
I wish you much peace and love ❤
@@sherryab3964 Thank you. My AF is sober for several years now. But he flat out denies a number of things he did and discounts others because "I deserved it."
I know the family talking point is that I'm 'holding a grudge.' Because they all think I *deserve* the things they do because I'm simply a lesser person, they are completely unable to see that it's not about the past but about the future they have guaranteed I will have if I spend time with them. They are unable to see that I'm choosing NOT to have my drink spit in or be screamed at on family holidays or any of the other charming behaviors they thought were either funny or deserved.
I think people who have not experienced this type of family truly cannot understand that FAMILY can actually treat one of their members the way alcoholic families do.
They just throw their parents away like paper cups. That’s ok. Go live your own life and let your adult children live theirs. If you get lonely, you can always give of your time to children who have been abandoned or abused or you could volunteer at a school or library. You can also work with neglected animals. Live a full life, grieve the loss of the connection with your adult children, and move on. Life is too short. Their loss.
🎯
Now interview the parents who have been estranged. A lot comes down to honor your father and mother, respect and do they really love.. They don't by estranging. We are not their friends we have a different position. They never stop being our children and we never stop being theirbparents. The Bible says this generation will be this way also. Is it a turning from God as this nation has done? Is this just in the west or are eastern countries experiencing this too?
There is lack of communication when the parent call you names and hit you all the time. I tried to communicate and I was told How dare I talk back to your MOTHER!
Mine is either anti social or on the spectrum. She never was connected to others. A lone wolf. No girlfriends. Even in college. Just disconnected from everyone. Couldn’t understand building up any relationships. Except a love interest. She did her best to stay disconnected. Put lots of energy into that. Wore head phones. Gave the stink eye. Forced us to walk on eggshells. It was like feeding and housing a stranger often. She would bread crumb us on occasions. Giving false hope that it would improve. Just to repeat. Always pulling away. It was with everyone. In the home and outside the home. She discarded the entire family unit. Both sides. Just vanished. That was 2 1/2 years ago. We don’t hold out any hope to be honest. She was never abused in any way. Never hit or spanked. No verbal abuse. Just highly intellectually charged conversations. She wouldn’t do emotional ones. Very apathetic and at times seems to of had dissociated mind and even at times seemed psychotic. Refused therapy. Did get meds in college for adhd. But took herself off those. I don’t think she knows who she is. She changed her style to a odd manner. Bottom line. My child is mentally unwell.
I’m sorry you and your family have suffered so much. What you described makes me think that your mom may be autistic. You said she’s very intellectual, withdrawn, distant and unable to connect. Asperger’s syndrome is very much like what you are describing. The fact that she has always been this way and with everyone, is also an indication of autism. If she needed ADHD meds in college and was actually diagnosed with ADHD, she most likely was that way from childhood. It might be of some help for you to research adult autism and Asperger’s syndrome. Many older adults are only just being diagnosed because the knowledge about autism was so narrow before. Now there are lots of very good sites about adult autism. Also if your son is showing signs of problems, please think about having him evaluated. Autism runs in families so if this is your mom’s problem it could show up in your siblings and/or y’alls kids. I AM NOT A PROFESSIONAL but I’m just sharing what I’ve found out in my research for my own diagnosis. A proper diagnosis can change your son’s life and help your family also. Understanding goes a long way. I wish you and your family all the best.
@@grolm8335no.
@@marilan3455Thank you. She also seems rather schizoid. Her uncle has that. High traits of self isolation.
It would seem from your video that the estrangement of adult children is the parents fault alone. This is very narrow thinking as there are two sides to each situation. It is also incorrect.
every situation is different. it's sad for everyone...
Another cause of estrangement from the adult child towards a parent, can be mental illness. They don’t know, or want to admit that they have a personality disorder and everything is always the parent’s fault…
often the disorder was from the parents. so all mental ill and nobody have courage to heal, except the one who was there to break the cycle and be scapegoat so this person have to leave for his own mental health. at my sense everybody have trauma, no one have none, those who said all is perfect or don t work on them...are the worst mental ill!
parents are responsible. it needs to be acknowledged.
I think adult children are the toxic ones. They no longer value their parents and what has been done for them. Many parents have jumped through hoops to help their kids and have taken big hits financially. Divorce is a big one and is never easy and changes of value is big too.
Especially now with politics the way they are. Stress pile up is also interesting.
Adult children are master gaslighters. Many times they are the ones that cause the chaos and confusion by creating the false narratives and parents are the ones that need to cut the relationship because it is causing too much stress for them.
Lots of kids will do this if you call them out when they’re screwing up their lives and not living right. If it’s you you’ll know cause they tell you. Don’t need a shrink to tell you this. Also politics and schools are to blame also.
We don’t get to choose our parents or our siblings. Did you ever stop to think that maybe us children just don’t like our parrnts or our brothers and sisters. Who made this rule that we have to tolerate and be around people just because we are blood relatives?
Hi Rob,
Yes, estrangement comes in many forms. I have other videos explaining the complexities of family ties and how things have changed over time in our society. You're right, sometimes it just doesn't work out for the adult child, and they choose to cut off. Feel free to explore my content for more info.
Warmly,
Marie
Wow ..
Your explanation is informative for those of us who are going through this and don't understand what has happened, but it seems these reasons are only excuses for the adult children. My sons have been my universe. In my culture, adult children take care of their parents and even take them into their home in their old age. I had my parents move in with me when my kids where in high school and they adored their grandparents and loved having them close. I am now retired but am in a very financially secure situation and don't need or expect ever having to depend on them. As a matter of fact, one of the last conversations I had with my oldest son was that my mother was my rock and my safety net if i ever needed to fall back on her and my son told me he completely understood because I was that to him also. But I do have a problem that these reasons for estrangement seem to reflect a callous selfishness on the part of the adult children and that this is acceptable. I have seen in the media and literature that therapists have encouraged this behavior saying blood does not obligate you to have a relationship with someone or consider then family and that times have changed. And you are right, but this is not about obligation this about the love between parents and their children. This behavior is unforgivable unless there is an extremely good reason. You are familiar I am sure with the expression " There is no greater love than that of a mother for their child". I don't know if you can even imagine the MAGNITUDE of the PAIN a parent feels when their children won’t talk to them, but I know that I have never in my life shown such cruelty to anyone.
Thank you for writing and sharing here. As you know the video is a means to inform and but a snapshot of what we know is occurring. There is little that is as wonderful as a close, loving, supportive family. People thrive when they have supportive families. Yes, there are therapists who would encourage an adult child to distance. Unfortunately, the hard truth is that there are parents who are estranged because their AC were harmed seriously by the very people that were meant to be safe and loving towards their adult child. We might consider this an excuse if we don't know the gravity some AC go through. Some situations are very complicated and sad. Not every parent is in this category! I understand personally the magnitude that a parent feels when estranged. Also, my dad lived with me for years and spent his last days surrounded by his grandchildren and my husband and I.
SOUNDS LIKE THEY NEED TO LEARN HOW TO COMMUNICATE AND HEAL. PRETTY SAD. LIKE A KID WHO GOT THEIR FEELINGS HURT.......
Great and informative video
Glad you liked it! Thank you for commenting!!
All my kids committed suicide in their 40s so I’d say I’m pretty toxic. I have 9 grand kids. I stay away from them but I send money every Christmas.
Why are sending them money??
As a mother I naturally assumed I would have a relationship with my adult child, so it came as a shock and grief that it was not to be. This video was helpful because I never considered stress to be a contributing cause to an adult child estranging. There were two deaths in our extended family almost back to back around the same time during my adult's late adolescence when he still lived with us. However, in a recent communication, it became clear to me now my adult child does not respect me. I cannot abide disrespect from anyone no matter how much I love them. So adios amigo!
Lol these are all literally toxic 🤣 kids go estranged because of toxic behaviors is what this sums up to.
It is mean, let their mean hating asses go. I was a good damn mama. JCP. - old phone....
"Why Adult Children Estrange (When Parents are Not Toxic)"
I seriously doubt that people who are toxic will ever admit that they are toxic -- not to others, certainly not to their children and not to themselves. That's the thing about being toxic. You are not willing or even incapable of seeing your part in toxic behaviour, especially if it spans years, decades or generations.
After hearing literally hundreds of stories from "estranged" adult children, I can see a trend toward a new paradigm of parents being held to a higher standard of parenting. We live in an age of information. Once accepted "normal" parental behaviour is now being pathologized by a modern interconnected society.
Before you scoff at this, and for the parents who don't think this is fair, just remember that your children will also be held to a higher standard by their children, and so on.
The best you can do is learn about yourself. Be introspective and open to others' point of view. And if your kids are truly the problem and are indeed the toxic ones, and have cut you out of their lives, then aren't you better off? Be happy that they are giving you the space to be you, to live your life and to conduct yourself as you please.
Without even watching the video I can tell you that 99% of the kids that are estranged (no toxic parents) do it because they are not living righteously. It’s like when Adam knew he had sinned and hid from God. Then he turned around and blamed God for his behavior.
This is so on point!
Hi Sarah: Thank you for writing here. Would you share what you found as helpful? Warmly, Marie
Try forgiveness 😌
I know when I was young I wanted space between my parents and me because I wanted to live as a bachelor and didn't want to explain myself to anyone
An adult child’s mental illness isn’t obvious and cannot be diagnosed until early adulthood. Cluster B’s don’t need a logical reason to estrange. Can be just a perceived slight. My exhusband embezzled half a million dollars from his mother over several years. Denied his family basic necessities while doing God knows what with the money. He divorced me to make me sell the family home when kids and I could’ve stayed. Fast forward…my child moved in with her dad. I asked her to move out due to her name calling, intimidation and belittling statements towards me and her brother. Now, I’m on verge of estrangement citing that I am toxic? She continues to punish me and admits it too!
Hi Cathy: I’m sorry what happened to you.
What part of Brooklyn are you from??
Originally from Willamsburg, but I’ve been on Long Island most of my life.
How could you tell?
Dyker Heights, Brooklyn were are you from?
My family immigrated from Italy
Adult children don't estrange from even bad parents unless they are motivated to do so. Either they've got a narcissistic parent that they've discovered has been abusing them, so they reject that parent, or they've been brainwashed by that narcissistic parent into believing the other healthy parent is a problem (they've been taken hostage by a narc parent). In that case, they have been coerced and rewarded for judging and punishing the healthy parent and have pushed them away. They are like a pimp with their hooker. The child is forced into becoming the narc parent's slave, only serving the purpose of propping up the narc parent by estranging from the healthy one. See Dr. Childress' research for how to tell the difference between them, and appropriate treatment.
Because up until now, thousands of healthy parents have been further marginalized by therapists who've been validating the adult child when half the time that's exactly the wrong thing to do, and only caused more harm.
Maybe you are on to something, my mother constantly calls me about any little thing at any time of day and not in the most polite way, yesterday she said she calls me the most (out of my other brothers and sisters) because I'm the one she can talk in a more "authoritative way" basically I sensed the one she can be the most demanding with, then she says she is a depresion because nobody listens to her, but we do, its just that we are all married, we all have kids, we can't be at her house all the time, you explain that to her, she agrees and continues on anyway, its gotten to the point my oldest sister said to me she has had enough and won't be there on new years.
Also if one parent has a narcissist an the child adopted that personally
Hi Zahn Angela: Yes, adult children may adopt their parents behaviors. Can you tell me a little bit more about your thoughts on narcissistic parents and adult children? Warmly, Marie
Sorry, but this resoning is all in favor of the child, abandoning their parent. Your're saying, the relationship doesn't work for them because they don't feel well in it? What about the estranged parent? Does anyone care what he or she feels? Where's the effort of the child making a non-toxic relationship work? Family is a life-long commitment that has to be taken seriously and every possible effort has to be made by the one who walked away to rekindle with the parent. Children only have the right to brake away from their parents if the family mistreated them in a physical way or underminded their efforts to become an adult. Chritisism, arguments, boundaries, different political views and a different life-style are no reason to abandon a parent. As long as they didn't show toxic behaviours long term they should be held in high value, for they were the ones who made the child's life possible. Most parents are good ones.There's no reason to treat them poorly or abandom them.
I didn't realize I was estranged until I started hearing about it from other people. So time went on. I was at a family funeral with my youngest child. My child said, "Hello, Granddaddy". Dad didn't recognize him, so he introduced himself. Dad launched into the "Your mom and I are on the outs" narrative. I was standing right there. He didn't recognize me right away either. Dad was the one who broke off contact, He requested that we not visit unless invited, and bottom line, just never invited us.
That's sooo wrong. I'm sorry.
What an odd video. Describing a bunch of toxic behaviors that lead to estrangement and then pretending that the person engaging in those behaviors isn't toxic is just (I can't even find a word that won't be very offensive) unhealthy? Denial? Good grief. Emotionally healthy people don't engage in unhealthy/toxic behaviors and if they do, they aren't "not toxic" just because they say so. Maybe that attitude of, "I'm not a toxic parent!" (because I say so) is one of those emotionally unhealthy things adult off-spring are estranging from. I know every EAC I've met has said some variation of that.
Hi Elly:
I appreciate your point, people can be in denial about their behaviors. They may even say they are not toxic, as you suggest, and behaviors say otherwise.
Thank you for sharing your perspective here. What I think is important to note is that like the fact that not all adult children are disrespectful, toxic, and rude to their parents, neither is every parent toxic, abusive, etc. Sweeping generalizations leave little room for outliers and exceptions. Parents, AC's, people, are imperfect who may have at times, displayed unhealthy behaviors that if were consistent would be considered toxic. I know parents who have been estranged and they are not toxic. The research points to the reasons I shared. We can argue that poor parenting can be toxic, but it can also be a parent who is not present emotionally or physically. The video title suggests reasons outside of the umbrella of toxic.
Thanks again for adding to the conversation here Elly.
@@youtubemariemorinestrangement "Sweeping generalizations leave little room for outliers and exceptions." - So just who are the exceptions? What does the 'exception parent' look like versus the normal/regular estranged parent?
"I know parents who have been estranged and they are not toxic." - And how do you know this? Were you raised by them? Have you asked their off-spring what behavior they witness/endured from the parent? Or are you simply taking their self-reported word for them being "not toxic"? As a therapist do you not see why that's problematic? Toxic/unhealthy behavior drives people away regardless of what label gets put on it. Calling their behavior "not toxic" while it clearly drove their own child(ren) away won't fix estrangement. That's called enabling.
@@youtubemariemorinestrangement you keep talking about "research" showing this and that. Why don't you share with us the names of the articles ans publications you've read, so we can understand more.
@@ellyk8834 You are asking a therapist how she knows the difference between a toxic and non-toxic individual. It sounds like you are very attached to being right on your point that there are no exceptions. If that is your main point of contention, then I would suggest not listening to any therapists who agree on the premise that not all estranged parents are toxic. Don't you think that it's possible that this therapist has witnessed many exceptions and has the skill set to recognize toxic patterns of behaviors in clients ?. Maybe in addition, she also knows or has friends and family members she has known for years who are exceptional. It is not her job to name each one to satisfy a skeptic's sweeping generalization. Yes, toxic/unhealthy behavior drives people away, but that is not the only reason people leave. There are many narcissists who leave because they can't handle boundaries, etc., and yes, children can be narcissists too, not just parents. You know it can happen both ways.
@@dianepeterson1186 You suggest "not listening" to people with differing views? Yeah... That's not healthy.
I need this.
Mote and more adult kids estrange from family because of the new generation of therapists. Millenials especially also known as snowflakes. Society is condoning the break up of family unit!!!
Yes this!! Both of my girls broke ties from me .. “because their therapist said” .. while I sit here and cry every day and everyone tells me to see a therapist!! Why would I want to see someone that caused this in the first place! The pain is unbearable and I don’t know how much longer I can take it 😭
40% of children are raised by their single mothers who were rewarded to keep their fathers out of their lives… now the children either believe their mothers or they realize that their mothers abused them by keeping their fathers out of their lives… and now we are reaping the benefits of this lose-lose-lose situation
@@Owwitsmuggyoutside child support…
@@Owwitsmuggyoutside for example a man I know has to pay $1,500 per month when mom has the child 100%, $150 per month when custody is 50/50… there are TH-cam videos of moms bragging about making bank keeping the kids 100%… it’s obvious you have no experience in this reality for 40% of children being raised by single mothers
@@Owwitsmuggyoutside then do something to change the system that rewards bad parents
Simple write them out of your will. They can't poo on you while taking houses. And funds of you.. Settle for time with grandkids.. Make self not available every time they as adults patronise or talk down to you.. Don't talk or advise or even help without being asked as its like a smack in the face their reaction.. Nasty as if you have not lived.. Had kids.. Had mortgage.. Earnings. Job.
Feeling Heartbroken and Alone? How to Pick up the Pieces When You are Estranged:
I'm giving away a copy of my eBook on the topic here → morinholistictherapy.com/findjoy/
So Ttue
Sad this is a taught behavior 😮😮😮😮😮😮😮
Trump followers like Waco cult 😮😮😮
The kids are toxic!