I don’t know if I’m the only person that thinks like this but has anyone always wondered to themselves once that you no longer need to watch self help and self improvement books videos and channels because your life is already put together and you no longer have anxiety and depression? I’ve gained a lot of knowledge (good and bad) from a lot of self help channels, books and videos from all sources, and I’ve gotten to a point where I just no longer have the need to watch self improvement anymore. I mean really what’s the point? It’s like your still taking lessons from your violin teacher yet you already know how to play violin 100% so what’s the point in continuing it? At some point in my life I had to come to a realization that when you already know how to “self help yourself, you don’t need to watch more “self help” tbh really what’s the point when there is no more point anymore. I’m pulling the plug from a lot of self help channels now, I highly recommend you guys doing it as well, going as far as unsubscribing I mean really cmon it’s the same thing over and over again, especially things that have worked and what haven’t worked for me.
In the words of the late British philosopher Alan Watts: "“The meaning of life is just to be alive. It is so plain and so obvious and so simple. And yet, everybody rushes around in a great panic as if it were necessary to achieve something beyond themselves.”"
Personally, I don't find these words particularly compelling or meaningful. The meaning of something highly interpretative like "life" as a concept can't really "just" be what he purports it to be unless you also believe it so, and even then, that belief does not invalidate differing interpretations exactly because it's so interpretative. It's reductive, which is obvious and not an issue by itself, but it is so in an unflattering sort of way, as if it's cutting short further interpretations of what the meaning of life is, just to make an awkward point. The last sentence also strikes me as odd because if nobody felt compelled to "rush around in a great panic" we would still be tribal hunter-gatherers with very little motivation to grow beyond that, or why not, we might not even have achieved our current speciation. Panic, and relatedly, stress and the feeling we need to get things done are useful mechanisms to further ourselves. In that sentence, being in a rush is implied to be a negative, but it's also more fairly seen as a useful consequence of our acknowledgement of time and the restraints it puts on our lives, compelling us to get things done before it's too late.
@@Laolunzuo I don't take the same meaning away from it, in the sense that I think what Watts says is liberating. It is not saying don't pursue, don't dream, don't plan, but what it does is provide a sense of freedom, because the moment you emotionally let go, you can carry on doing these things without all the frustrations or self-loathing or negative emotions or the craving for adulation or approval that might otherwise come with it. You're free to create, but 'succeed' or 'fail', it doesn't matter, even these concepts are mostly based on what you perceive others would consider to be your failures or successes, and you've just internalised it to wield over yourself like a weapon. I also find it liberating when societal rules with their own agendas and goals feel like it is bearing down on me, because there is no ultimate goal to it. We can reinvent the wheel and create variations on things, but it always comes round full circle. Being alive is enough, being alive is great, but then all there is is life and connection to everything around us. Even when we 'die' (sadly a word whose meaning seems largely to be associated with an absolute ending, or a move into nothingness), we're simply going back to whatever it was before we were born; it's a great mystery to us, but a necessary one.
@@jamesembrey3100 i guess you might misconceptualize the actual purpose of reading books. books are born for us to gain deep insights and shape our beliefs about the world, not to tell us what we should do or how we should live our life
@@alfredng4442 self help is just a bunch along suggestions, some good, some bad, it’s the READERS responsibility to decide what’s good for them. Reading Mein Kampf doesn’t MAKE you a Nazis, the same way productivity books don’t FORCE you to be neurotically productive. Art is not toxic. WE are toxic. Or in this instance, this guy is toxic, he’s just blaming the books as a scapegoat
@@jamesembrey3100 i guess reading books is still the notion of social construct, which we are in the journey of defining and applying it ourselves. reading might be helpful in your case, but it's not necessarily in others. then it's ok to share your thoughts, not to criticise people for the way they live. you are supposed to get out of your echo chamber and accept the multidimensional viewpoints instead of blindly collecting and proving your one-sided point.
"I don't want to behave in a way that sort of implies that I'm broken." That quote perfectly summarizes my problem with self-help as well. We're all different, as cliché as it sounds. For example, some people are natural early risers and can therefore follow the advice of waking up at 5 am really well. However, for others going to bed and waking up late works best for their well-being, simply because they're wired that way. I think that people use self-help as a shortcut instead of getting to know themselves, and then feel "broken" because they are following rules which were never meant for them.
i think people are using self help the wrong way, looking the answers outside of themselves instead of looking within. that's what self help really means, i believe.
Our circadian rhythm is that of diurnal animals, and over extended periods of time, going to bed late/rising late, and not receiving that morning burst sunlight in your eyes can cause health problems. I do agree that a lot of self-help gurus are phoneys, but there is a lot of science supporting how rising early is an incredibly healthy habit to learn.
@@nathanieldrew if they’re useful, then why did you blame BOOKS for YOUR overly neurotic implementation? YOU brought the neuroticism to the table. Not the GENRE. Take some accountability.
@@jamesembrey3100 I'd suggest you to calm down take a step back and take some fresh perspective, man. I've read a couple of your comments and you seem to be cemented in this belief that Nathaniel is basically a crappy guy who wants people to think that self-help is complete trash - or at least that's the impression you left on me. While it is not the case, Nat literally all throughout the video mentioned how he got to the point of his realisation and in the end even mentioned that the past him seemed to need all that self-help guidance while you're trying to put a label of "he's just lazy and neurotic". Plus, he explained what it all meant for HIM, how HE felt and feels now about living a rigid life. And I do believe that this guy actually is a quite accountable and responsible guy so I don't see this argument here either. It's not like he even once said: "Guys, self-help is trash, let's cancel this part of the world" Could you explain your point of view to me? Because I just can't seem to understand why sharing his emotions and journey with the world are supposed to be a clear sign of the quote I wrote above and you seem to do so. I'm genuinely curious, there's not a single spot of sarcasm in all of it, really. Or am I getting you wrong?
I’m in the exactly same mental space right now. Not forcing myself to be a machine, to always be in a good mood, to be perfect. I’m accepting both good and bad emotions to arise. I’m still trying to accomplish my goals but I accept my failures. It honestly feels really good.
The concept of self help in today’s world is constantly trying to “fix” yourself. When in reality it’s less to do with fixing and has more to do with reflecting and embracing your journey as is.
Yes! This is exactly what I have been struggling with. After a period of poor mental health, I began to 'fix' myself, reading many books, finding inspirational quotes on Pinterest and constantly trying to better myself. I did genuinely enjoy this search for myself but after diving into the world of self help so much, my brain felt so so empty. Like there was nothing in my head, like I would always be trying to be better and I'd never be good enough. It is so toxic to me. I went through a stage of journaling a lot and now my brain is purely empty, took away all my curiosity for things other than bettering myself.
IK this is late, but thank you. this is just what I needed. I've been so busy trying to fix myself and heal myself and do all sorts of things solving problems within and your comment made me realize maybe I"m TOO inwardly focused to the point where I''m not curious about life anymore only so i can work on what i need to better within myself so i can achieve my goals and be a better version of me. WHen maybe the better version of me is when I"m curious about life and the world.
We learn as children to “correct” all the time our behavior to be “a better person”. Takes a lifetime to unlearn that and eventually (re)love ourselves for what we are.
@@jamesembrey3100 I think it does not imply to not being a good person, but just to be conditioned to behave properly. That can lead to misery, because if we are conditioned to function and behave as children, so no shame comes to our parents, then we are afraid to check our borders and overstep a bit sometimes. Which is important, because otherwise you are conditioned to let other people step into your bubble and still behave properly, even if they treat you wrong. That is why I started martial arts as a philosophical journey, because I wanted to learn how to defend my bubble against people overstepping my borders uninvited. Now being over 40 years old with over 20 years of martial arts experiences, I am finally at a point, where my bubble is safe and I made myself free from this condition as a child to behave all the time without questioning. So behaving is something different, than good manners (my manners are excellent). You can be a good person with good manners, still being free of this condition as a child to be good and behave (like a well trained dog)
@@jamesembrey3100 it’s more arguing against the self-culpability and self-hate from trying to be better. The mentality behind. “I’m not productive enough at work, so I’m a bad enployee”, “I’m not tall enough so I’m ugly” “I’m not perfect enough, so I have to perfect myself”, all that negative self talk because we learn that what we are is not good enough. I pursue greatness of course, but in terms of emotional serenity and not by obsessing over “getting better” to fit what authority as a child subjectively dictated me is good.
@@deinisperez3838 On my own, the point of some habits that self-help provides are the positive benefits that have in everyone's health. The point is not changing who you are. And if you don't agree, I suggest you the Hubermann Lab Channel where he explains the benefits of meditation, exercise, cold showers and more.
NATHANIEL, this is so refreshing and quite frankly, empowering. You’ve articulated something that I didn’t even know I’ve been struggling with. A bit of self-improvement here and there obviously doesn’t hurt, but once you feel bad for not doing something you feel like “you have to do” that’s when it becomes problematic. I feel like the core habits / routines I do keep have become effortless- because they simply make me feel good, but I’m okay if I miss a day or two. And that’s the thing, constant self-help / self-improvement can actually add more friction to our lives bc we feel bad if we don’t follow through on a certain habit or thing. We don’t need to be constantly optimizing or as you said “fixing” ourselves.
Absolutely love this take. And I love the balanced approach that you always seem to demonstrate. You didn't demonize self help, you simply moved past the stage of using it to 'fix yourself'. We are not broken 💪🏻
I really have to thank you for making this video. I was really struggling with the fact that I didn't like the self help videos I was watching because I was under the impression that because these videos are trying to help me, I shouldn't criticize them. Now i realize that they werent actually helping me at all, they were just giving me the mindset you displayed in this video, which wasnt a way i wanted to live. Thank you again!
life can stay like that, at times, not just because you are 19, evenso, life is always worth it : ) and every day has its gifts. sending a hug for when you need it, from 35 years away (i am 56).
Hugs to you. I am 33, but I can agree: life is sometimes not easy to understand. For me, my leading principle is: find the balance. Because, usually if you do something in the extreme, it starts to be harmful. Like, if you don't want to learn anything and change anything that's not good. But if you chase perfection and constantly push yourself, mercilessly, ruthlessly, that's also toxic. We should do things in moderation and find the balance, the healthy amount of ambition to improve and the healthy amount of self compassion (not to think "I am better than everyone" but not hating yourself either). It is so interesting, even medical plants are often cures for diseases in moderation, but toxic in overdose. Another important thing is, create your safe haven in life. There must be something you can turn to. Like, for me, books and nature are a safe haven. Even when I worked abroad and felt lonely, my books accompanied me everywhere, and I could observe and spend time in nature everywhere. It is good if you have safe persons too, but unfortunately sometimes the people we trusted most leave us in the ditch, so it is good to have a plan B.
You just put into words why I never felt really good about self-help, bullet journals, routines, etc. I think these things are useful tools when used in a balanced and healthy way. But once it becomes an obligation, an obsession, once you start feeling bad for not doing these particular things everyday, this is when it actually get toxic. We all need a bit of self-discipline in our lives as well as spontaneity, we need to make plans, but also let ourselves be surprised by life. As you said, we are irrational and emotional creatures, not machines. Thank you so much for this video, you've addressed a really important issue, and it will definitely help a lot of people, me included ! I'm sending you love from New Caledonia
I like your unpopular opinions and lessons from your journey. They’re so refreshing and causes one to think critically. I strive for my films to get to half your quality too. Blessings ❤️
I think unpopular opinions give us an opportunity for us to challenge ourselves as well and not necessarily question ourselves but allow us to become more tolerant to the idea that people just have differing opinions of stuff we never thought of before and it's quite enlightening
I can defo relate to the self-help journey: wanting to become something that you're not, having a path laid out that'll supposedly get you there, and then realizing that what you really wanted was to accept yourself for who you are.
“I think I have a lot more to offer life when I do not treat it like a competition or performance” - Nathaniel Drew Very interesting video, as always, a viewpoint I didn’t realise I needed to hear but glad I did.
I'm struggling with this too. I read Atomic Habits recently and think that it's a much better approach to making changes than most "get your shit together" books. It made me aware of a lot of things and why I have barriers to them, and why other things come easily and naturally. Since then I have been more interested in the idea of systems instead of goals, but I am also wary of systems becoming a goal. Anyhow, cool to see you're on a new journey and I will continue to follow. Here's to more curiosity!
I‘m also reading Atomic Habits right now and I have to say I see the added value in it compared to the other Self-help Books.I like the fact of having Systems and Healthy habits as an expression of self love and not in order to reach a specific goal.
I really appreciate you for being so honest about your journey. Not many people would be able to do this. To completely open up about how much your values and goals changed over the years and owning up to it although it requires a serious transition from your work from past. I like this and relate to it. Life is definitely evolving everyday and change is necessary. Also your willingness to share this shows the potential of this channel and all the future success that's coming your way. :)
My understanding with self improvement is that, it's great, it's necessary to look for ways to improve in life. However to obsess over it and constantly read/learn about it 24/7 is where the problem begins to occur. Your life just revolves around the goal, rather than the present time.
Love your journey so much man. After years of overworking myself into stress, anxiety, and panic attacks-trying to track all of my habits in a bullet journey, religiously reading self-help books, trying to change who I was to find fulfillment or happiness-I've realized over the last year that the goal shouldn't be "what will make me happy, all the time," because that's impossible. Emotions coexist within us, so the goal should really be to eliminate that question from our minds entirely. The goals have shifted towards being more playful, peaceful, and present. And, wow, the pace of life has really slowed down and I'm enjoying life so much more.
I think it's a bit of a generalization to say "self-help tells us this." "Self-help" can be very different, a lot of books that are considered "self-help" talk about acceptance, self-love and not about how to constantly be better. Also I think most people anyways have that feeling of "when I reach this, then...." and it has nothing to do with self-help. It's just how we work. Some people try to chase materialistic things, that make them feel like they are progressing in life, others are trying to improve their habits, others are working/studying hard...etc I'm not sure I agree that it's self-help that makes us feel like we are "not enough". It more so comes from our childhood, how we are brought up etc and self-help is just one of MANY ways how people are trying to reach the "I'm enough" state.
I think self-help can definitely become addictive though, and suddenly you're following the accounts of motivational speakers and these 'mindset' pages that ultimately do tell you what is acceptable or not. I'm listening to an audiobook called 'Happy sexy millionaire' and the guy talks about when people ask these deep questions or make these statements about 'Finding your purpose' and how he dislikes it. Because really, it's not a question that has an answer nor really needs one. Realistically, our purpose is just being who we are, as we are, recreating and dying. Our purpose you could then argue is to 'find what makes us happy' but being happy isn't a static state, it's a fleeting emotion that we could spend ages chasing and never havie it fully in our grasp because we don't always know what will make us 'truly happy'. Because what even is being 'truly happy'? It sometimes is just in the now, in the moment that was a totally unplanned event/experience, but for some people, they need it to be like a check point. However that being said, that comes with accepting to become content with how life can be and that can take self-help books and stuff to get to this point, which is what I believe the video to be about. I don't think he's slamming it, but just pointing out how he's recognised he no longer needs to keep doing it :)
@SELF CARE MIDLIFE EMPOWERMENT Yess, I agree with you! At some point I was into "motivation-productivity" side of self-help, but through years it transformed into just figuring out who I am, self-love etc..the term is really broad, I personally think you can "get brainwashed" by everything if you get too obsessed with it :) Have a nice weekend, too!
THANK YOU!! I feel a lot of TH-cam Vloggers are attacking the self-help market lately by narrowing it's concept into the toxic world the big self-help gurus created. Self-help certainly isn't the enemy, and not every book in the market has been created to brainwash and manipulate you into investing in their world.
Through self-help, I became the person I always wanted to be, disciplined and responsible. However, I drove myself crazy working non-stop because I never was a super serious person before and I forced myself to be something I'm not. I'm still grateful for the tips and tricks I learned along the way but I'm glad I'm no longer putting myself under so much pressure and I'm working on being kind to myself.
No joke. This is the best video Ive ever seen on TH-cam. I couldnt relate more. Feels like I made almost the same process in my mind when I began to reflect of how selfhelp was slowly ruining my life. Thank you for this reminder!
This one was such an eye opener. Not quite sure when I started my own self help journey but it must be 5+ years now. As an example, sometimes I will find myself stressing about what's in my wardrobe for maximum efficiency, but I've never once needed that extra 5 minutes that I would take deciding what to wear. I could think of multiple examples like that. I'll spend so much time stressing about set ups, routines and what have you, that I sometimes forget to live. Like you said, self help is a very intriguing place at the start, but once you get sucked into it, you feel like you have to keep up with because if not, your life won't be as fulfilling. Every now and again we just need to take things with a pinch of salt and find things out for ourselves. After all, the best way to learn something is by doing it. Cheers Nathaniel.
I absolutely resonated with this video. Ironically, seeking for self help is also what got me out of its toxicity. I talked to someone, I sat down with myself, I worked backwards and questioned why I kept feeling helpless. I healed out of self help gradually over time, and it happened almost by accident. I began to realize the things that were causing my headaches was this idolized fantasy like image of my self. I knew in the back of my mind that it came from fears and insecurities, and although I never really thought about it, I automatically assumed self help was another thing that encouraged that insecurity. So, I stopped reading about it
Went on a self help rabbit hole myself back in 2017 and I never felt so seen. I love the evolution of this channel and how I feel like I’m growing with it. Absolutely feel the same way about the subject. Thank you for sharing this
The “me not realizing it” part. I died😂 Going along with you on this journey is epic as we learn and unlearn things about you. So excited for this new perspective Nathaniel. Wishing you the best
earlier today i had a realization that i wasn't chasing something but actually running away all my goals and to-do lists were a facade of not wanting to feel like a failure instead of sitting with that feeling and deal with it, i kept going with this "self-help journey" thank you!
Love this new direction & definitely resonates. For some reason this reminded me of the ending of the book Wild: “It was all unknown to me then, as I sat on that white bench on the day I finished my hike. Everything except the fact that I didn't have to know. That is was enough to trust that what I'd done was true. To understand its meaning without yet being able to say precisely what it was, like all those lines from The Dream of a Common Language that had run through my nights and days. To believe that I didn't need to reach with my bare hands anymore. To know that seeing the fish beneath the surface of the water was enough. That it was everything. It was my life - like all lives, mysterious and irrevocable and sacred. So very close, so very present, so very belonging to me. How wild it was, to let it be.”
Ditto! Exactly! I’ve come to the same conclusion by my actions or lack of certain actions but you in this video put them into beautiful words! If it’s causing anxiety then it’s no good. When I let go of trying to fit myself into a certain box I feel lighter, happier. Let go of expectations, be ok with things as they come and believing, in my case, that God will guide you and protect you if you let go of control and just BE. Always love your videos. Traveling the world is a dream for me especially Europe, so rich in history and beauty; so looking forward to seeing more travel videos!
recently started to aknowledge that noone really has a "best life" answer, feels weirdly great, like Im suddenly okay being me as I am right now. It´s nice to follow your journey :)
AMAZING VIDEO. Yeah, the truth is, if you are seeking out self-help material, you believe your life is 'not good enough' or that you are lacking in some area of life. That's not always a bad thing, because, if we always felt 100% 'enough,' then we would never get up in the morning to go to work. I think self-help material becomes cult-like when you are consuming hours and hours of content every single week and every single decision in your life is influenced by some audiobook or podcast you listened to. It feels good to stop listening to self-help stuff and just live life! I know many people who hardly consume any self-help material and they love their life... perspective is huge.
This resonates a lot with me. I got a lot from plunging into the self help world, and it set me off on a great start, mostly through the idea of "working on myself". But it got to a point where it became unsustainable...goal setting...wake up, make my bed, meditate, cold water, journal, goals for the day. Meditate before bed, journal (reflecting on things I'm grateful for, good deeds for the day etc) tight schedule mon-fri with my training and eating....And I did have feelings of failure, looking back, when I didn't perform or missed something out, and they really set me back. I found myself just sacking everything off for periods of time, and falling back into self pity, to then have to motivate myself to get it all going again, to once again hit a wall and fall apart. I think the thing is, knowing when to move away and start tackling things by yourself. I think general "self-help" is good for building a foundation, for you to then use to explore life and yourself. I'm in a really good place right now. I meditate every morning, because I love to do it. I don't journal everyday (I used to find this a bore/pain more than anything) instead I make time every now and again to write. Or if I have a thought during the day, I'll hold it and make time to write about it and explore it some time...and many other little things I do/don't do which I'm sure won't fit into this comment box. I started to really look into myself, ask myself those hard questions, and was honest with myself. I think that's very important. Focusing on love and compassion, and using my knowledge to help others, are also things I've adopted that compliment my life a great deal. If your reading this I hope you have a beautiful day. Sending all the love n vibes your way.
On the other hand.. Self-help helped me come to this realization. Overstimulation, achieving, running, learning, thinking, building.. exhausted me. I failed to forgive my misgivings and imperfections, forgot to just live, as you said. I overwhelmed myself with how my reality should be and this created a deep need for silence and inner contemplation. Perhaps a new chapter has begun, but with more knowledge and acceptance. You have great presenting skills and vocalize a feeling and thought I couldn't. I barely ever comment, so kudos to you.
My family says that "every moment in life is either an adventure or a learning experience, but you won't necessarily know which until it passes." I'm happy to see that you are learning from both of your experiences and adventures. Beautiful video as always
i can feel such a shift in how people are viewing self care by recognizing how absolutely toxic it is. it goes against natural human instincts, like curiosity and living a life of adventure and caring for others and building communities. this video came at the just the right time in my life. i finished with school in august, and now that im finally out of academia, i've realized how toxic it was to me. i wanted to be the perfect student and the perfect person. i wanted everyone to love me and put so much pressure on myself to optimize my productivity. but that isn't being human. my journey of "self help" coincides strongly with your timeline. i feel like ive gone on this journey with you in a way. thank you for making this video and articulating everything i've felt in the past few months about what self help has done to me.
I feel like my entire life I've been looking for someone to put this concept into words that I could not just understand, but really feel on a soul level. Watching this video was like "ah-hah" I totally get that. The way you articulated this is spot on, and really inspired me to re-evaluate my own blog to make sure I'm not promoting toxic self-help in my articles without even knowing it. I'm definitely going to share this video because it really moved me to embrace my journey as is and seek adventure over perfection.
"You can't pull yourself by your own bootstraps!" -Alan Watts Alan Watts lecture "How to be a Better Person" literally changed my life. There's a delicate balance between the Ideal Self that we can strive to become, and the radical realization that we can never truly "become" it because we "are" that. In other words, one must strive to live by virtue, yet realize we will never become fully realized people because of our nature (as humans). Aristotle argues that virtue is good in and of itself, and just because you haven't reached "the end" doesn't mean the struggle for Goodness and Virtue wasn't worth it.
@@nicorobin2438 yes, the only full length talk I could find was an album by a composer called "Akira the Don" th-cam.com/video/4IhFCmd9yuo/w-d-xo.html There's the link for the lecture!
Yes, I couldn't agree with you more. My leading principle is also to find balance. Find the optimal amount of things, that is neither too much nor too little. The great thinkers of old really had some good life changing insights.
It is a matter of the "right" dosage. It is absolutely possible to aim for perfection that doesn't exist. But it is equally possible to justify "doing nothing" like that. The truth lies somewhere in the middle. It surely is a worthy endeavor to improve the personal circumstances but it is never worth making an obsession out of it
@@brianmarshall3931 And we're terrible at finding it because I believe we always expect more from it, or to be a more obvious check point marked that we can recognise when we've reached it
@@RhianeHacker I have more or less set a general direction and been quite satisfied if I get noticeable results. Sometimes that spurs me to keep going - other times I look for another minor challenge. It's the HUGE goals that break you... small bites work for me.
Yes. We have to find balance: the healthy amount of things. Almost in every case, the golden middle road is the best. Going to the extreme very often hurts someone.
I just watched all Nathaniel’s videos from oldest to newest. Took me a few months but I finally did it. I also get the newsletter. The most therapeutic videos I’ve ever watched. The authenticity is radiating. The most beautiful videos I’ve watched, the most beautiful person I’ve ever followed. I’m lucky to have had you get into documenting your life.
I appreciate the transparency and the journey of nathaniel that he shared, I am both a subscriber and unsubscriber back then with his content because self-help leads me unsure, over-anticipating and over-rationalizing. at some point I just had a belief that we all are just thrown in the midst of confusion of existence, that I don't have to try so hard attaining certainty in it, I just have to play with it I suppose. cheers to our journey and self-honesty.
sometimes a wrong action teaches you the right lessons....I am glad I took the course of SELF HELP not because it helped me to become better but made me realize what I am not supposed to do and thus I started developing my own opinion and getting comfortable in my own skin day by day. Process is still on but this time I am figuring it out by myself and not by self help.
Hey Drew, this video genuinely shook me to my core. I now realise that during the most recent lockdown (I'm based in New Zealand) I have been leaning hard into self-help as a way to subconsciously seize control of my life because when everything seems so out of control. But you hit on the nail of the head. A single-minded approach can be stifling. Thank you!
At the end of the day we all want a life that is expansive and rich and like you said I think we try to find belief and meaning in things and self help is one them for some people. It can feel productive but sometimes it takes away from enjoying the process and we focus more on ‘have to do’ instead of ‘get to do’. Interesting video 🥰
Having just got out (hopefully!) of the self-help trap myself, I have to say that you put into words things I was struggling to describe for myself! What I have realised is that we can keep developing without "self-help". And for those that really want to dig deeper, there is always therapy. This year, I am definitely trying therapy. And living this damn life instead of designing it. Thanks for this video!
Nathaniel, thank you for sharing this with us. I'll admit that I got quite caught up in the idea of "self-help" and thinking that I needed to learn all these things about it in order to "fix" myself and my life. I just recently started coming to this same exact realization that you have; all of this "self-help" has really just put me inside of this box that I was too afraid to step out of for fear that I would then be a failure because I didn't stick to all these rigid rules. I've tried making my whole life a routine, but I could never actually follow through with it and that in itself would upset me greatly. I reached a point where life just felt like it was in a rush and I felt like I was behind because I wasn't "becoming who I wanted to be". I'm now trying to practice a lot more self-compassion; stick with the healthy habits that actually do seem to contribute positively to my life, but not make fixing myself my sole mission. There is so much more to life and keeping myself in this rigid box doesn't allow me to experience life and the many mysteries that unfold.
I'm actually so glad that self help made me steer into the direction of reading about psychology and especially trauma research and practices. That led me to so many things that actual self help usually uses as a side note. Many of the mindset shifts and the reality that bad feelings need to be felt and not ran from are things I fully learned the "how" and "why" to in actual psychology books. Some stuff fully research, some with only a big pile of anecdotal research. So I totally think that self help is just a path to figuring your life out for yourself. I have way less of a perfectionistic view on my life now that I accepted there is no such thing and that perfectionism is a need for control we simply don't have about many things. All this also helped me define my own version of happiness and success and made me compare myself less and just do stuff I wanted to do. I feel like I'm finally starting to figure out this sweet spot of liking it where I am as well as wanting to grow and adventure. Beautiful feeling. 🥰❤️
I am so happy for you that you are on the path of healing and happiness. On all points, I totally agree with you. We make the decision how things affect us, how we react to what happens with us, what we read, what we conclude and learn from these things. But, it is true: we have to find balance. The golden middle road. It is good to learn new things and improve ourselves. But we should not be merciless and cruel to ourselves and push ourselves 24/7. We have to find what is the healthy amount of improving and beyond that, we have some compassion with ourselves and accept and love ourselves too. We cannot chase a dream of perfection.
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽touched and happy for you! I’m 50 years old and had the same realization as you “that i was broken and I needed to fix myself” I wish you all the luck in the world. Keep on being your unique self, love it 🙏🏽
This is literally everything I’ve been feeling in the last couple months! The way you put it into words and visuals perfectly aligns with the feelings and thoughts I’ve been having. Truly impressed how you manage to execute powerful messages in such a graceful & empowering way. My favorite video by far 🙌🏼
Thank you so much for posting this. I couldn't put my finger on it but I've just been feeling off for a couple months. My normal self care rituals, like yoga, meditation and reading (literally some self help books) just hasn't been sparking my interest or feeling right. I felt distant from my friends and just lost in life. My normal self help goals weren't intriguing and I would regularly "fail" at meeting the goals. All those things worked great for me at a point in life when I needed it. You made a video for exactly how I feel and how I might think differently about it. I need to start just being okay with who I am right now. Time for more adventuring for this gal! (Road trips and hiking is my cup of tea). Thanks Nathaniel.
Hey Nathaniel I loved this video. One friendly critique though-- I would advise clearly defining your version of self-help because there are so many different approaches and subgenres to it. There are more mainstream sides to it, more spiritual edges, more capitalistic productive sides, etc. I'm watching this video loving your insight but had a completely different experience because I don't think we were within the same subgenres. Keep up the amazing work as always Nathaniel!! :-)
yes! i agreeee! in the last months i have been slowly letting go of self help habits and ideas of optimizations because it exhausted me and i took the risk to slowly let it all go. and i am feeling so good about it. it is still sinking in and it is hard to let go of the attachment still and let my nervous system relax. i love „life becomes more expansive the more open and relaxed that you are“. thanks for the video ❤️
So excited for you on your journey! I'm walking along the same path. Here's a favorite quote of mine from the brilliant Marion Woodman: "Living by principles is not living your own life. It is easier to try to be better than you are than to be who you are. If you are trying to live by ideals, you are constantly plagued by a sense of unreality. Somewhere you think there must be some joy; it can't be all "must," "ought to," "have to." And when the crunch comes, you have to recognize the truth: you weren't there. Then the house of cards collapses."
Love the new designs man. I've spent the last couple years of my life diving so deep into self-help that I forgot what it was that I was trying to help myself do and achieve. Like you mentioned, my self-help mentality was fueled by an insatiable feeling of self-judgement. Ultimately, I'm realizing that what I need more than anything is self-love. It's not that we want to stop improving, but we'd certainly like to love ourselves along the way and forgive ourselves when setbacks occur. Really insightful video Nathaniel, I'm excited to see where your journey takes us moving forward!
"Just be yourself" is the hardest piece of advice to follow, and I've felt so similarly around self-help having gone down the rabbit hole myself. All of your videos speak to me Nathaniel but this one is my favourite by-far, thank you for making it!
I absolutely needed to hear this. Especially when you said "Stop acting in a way that implies that you are broken." Wow. I have also tried to be rigid with my habits. Cold showers and tracking calories included. But the moment it makes me feel bad, I'm intentionally going to miss the next day. Your content is so damn inspiring, and I hope that one day, the content I produce is just as valuable as this. And I never make comments like these. All love brother.
Such a different vibe in you ! And all of this quite describe what struck me when I read about Non Violent Communication : nothing is good or bad, everything is just you having needs, and emotions attached to it.
THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! I NEEDED THIS because at the start of the year I read a lot of self help books, tried to create a better version of myself but somehow resisted all of these very soon and I felt bad about it and spiralled into feeling very bad about myself for not improving myself and all and I started to think if I’m just overthinking all of these and this video shed so much clarify that sometimes we don’t need to heal ourselves because we just think we are broken, but we are actually fuller than we think, stronger than we think, there’s no need to improve when we’re already amazing in our own ways. And thank you for introducing The idea of amor fati, I have been searching for a quote that I truly believe in and somehow this sticks! And I love how magical fate is!
If there was only room on the internet for one self help video, it should be this one. VERY refreshing to hear, and I think deep down we all know that seeking perfection and competing to get there with ourselves, and with others, isn't the route to self improvement really. Thank you!
'The things I don't do it anymore' could very well have been written by me. Both cold showers and bullet journaling are things I've done [among many others haha] with an 'I have to do this to be better' mindset. I don't do them anymore, not unless I want to, but I don't make myself do them. I relate so well to your self-improvement journey and the point you've reached, I also don't want to 'improve myself' anymore, I just want to be myself. That doesn't mean doing things wrong just because that's the way I am. We all should aim to learn from our mistakes and try to improve upon them. But self-help makes you feel like everything you do is in fact a mistake, like there's a perfect procedure to do everything in life and you must learn them all to 'live the right way'. That's absurd, there's no absolute right or wrong in life. Because life is so changing and dynamic, right and wrong are also changing and dynamic. Something as static as a book can never teach you how to live something as dynamic as a life. So if you want to grow and be a better human, you have to do it yourself, assessing what's right or wrong at every moment with your own knowledge. This is literally what everyone [self-help reader or no] does, it is the very definition of life, thus making self-help paradoxical; it tries to teach you something you already know, and it even makes you forget it the more you get into it! The more you read these kinds of books, the more dependent on their knowledge you become, which makes your bubble (as you well say) shrink instead of expanding. That's not to say you cannot learn nothing from books. You can learn a lot, but that's not why most of us start reading self-help books. We all try to look for a definitive answer to how to live, a way to approach every situation knowing we're doing it right. That's not learning, that's trying to substitute who we are with a series of [supposedly] perfect procedures and maneuvers. Thank you so much for this video! It made me reflect on my experience and clarify my thoughts on the subject even more.
I think it is important to distinguish between "self-improvement" and "self-help" here. What you are referring to in the video sounds more like self-improvement which is often motivated by external factors such as comparisons and expextations that might not even coincide with what you really want or need. It is easy to get lost in self improvement that clings to an external perception of what you should be like. Self help (for me) always comes from a place of self-compassion and wanting to connect with yourself. It is essentially more internally motivated and different from self-improvement. I feel that with self improvement you want to achieve or change something whereas in self-help it is more about finding and connecting.
Thank you for sharing your insights, I always feel inspired. While listening to you, I remembered a dream I had once. I was sitting on a bar listening to someone singing and I told the waiter that my dream for a long time was to be a singer, but life happened and I turned to be something else. He asked if I wondered about whether I would be happier if I were a singer. And I answered: “I don’t know, all I know is who I am and that’s it”. That was powerful. Hold on to an idea of what we should be is a prison because in reality what we are is in constantly mutation.
Morning routines, habits keep changing throughout the year. A new season brings new energy. Sometimes, solution to problems beyond our control changes routines. Or new challenges throws one out of balance and back to square one and suddenly everything makes sense after a while. I could connect to the insights you shared. Your videos are beautiful. Best wishes from India.
I love this and as life would have it, I turned off my morning routine about six months ago and recently felt called to re-implement some aspects of it again. Gosh, it feels good. My thought is that life is about the energy of movement -the ebb and flows and when we surrender to each new chapter, we just do ourselves a big favour by welcoming it instead of resisting it. I adore your videos and watching another human in the discovery of it all!
Hey YOU, beautiful person reading this...The truth is you are confident and good enough already with who you are, where you are at and what you have right now to have the success you want in life. Don't let others define what “success” is for you. Get up, learn that skill and go after it! I believe in you so much! Have an awesome day! - Love, Nat ❤️
I think the moral of the story is that the real joy is in the process, not in the destination. I definitely found myself in a trap where I was so bent on self improvement, and looking at the future that I wasn’t happy right now. However, self improvement content has improved (and possibly saved) my life in ways so deep it’s hard to really describe. I’ve just had to learn to be on my own side while I grow, and be patient with the improvements as they come.
You put exactly how I feel about self help in a way I couldn't put it before. It's so important to have this awareness of toxic productivity and how 'self-help' isn't really going to do much on its own.
Nathaniel, I watch all your videos but never commented before. Two things surprise me about your productions: First, your content and storytelling capabilities. Second, your intros and graphics. Would you mind share how you do them? I'm a content creator from Brazil (btw I loved seeing you speaking Portuguese 😍 ), and I'm finding ways to increase the bar of my productions (they are related to software development). Thanks in advance 🤝
I think a term that is missing from the video is "toxic productivity culture". Many people and authors dive into self-help only by switching the objective of the perfect job to the objective of the perfect life. These both serve the same purpose. Really happy for your new journey, appreciate the sharing.
I really like everyone's input in the comments so I thought I'd add my own, which is essentially Nathaniel's message but the way I personally got there:) To me, Nathaniel is touching more upon the more "capitalistic" sense of self-help that aims to make you the most efficient and productive you can be- essentially the most mentally and physically optimized to work. This to me makes his sentiments about how it can become really strenuous, rigid, and pressuring make sense. Over the years as I've seen creators on yt (and people in general) become more attracted to this idea, it really urked me in a way I couldn't put into words, but I soon came to realize why: in the capitalistic sense, self-help tells you to organize your life to almost exclusively prioritize output rather than the actual experience of life. In the west, we grow up always hearing "if you work hard enough, you'll make it" or "the ones that work harder than every one else win"; which in other words proposes that if you don't work the *hardest* you won't make it. This leads many people to become very obsessed with optimizing their lives with very rigid routines that gets a lot of work done. But *naturally*, since we are magnificently complicated beings influenced by continuously changing factors we can't control, when we fall off this very rigid track we believe ourselves to be failures, thinking that "if I don't keep up with this, I know OTHERS will, and I'll never be able to beat them". Again, the pressures people feel from this type of self-help are intertwined with this whole narrative that success in life is correlated to maximized output and beating the competition, which, as we've grown up hearing, is done by "working harder than everyone else". Needless to say, this productivity obsessed mindset becomes very toxic for most people (why most call it "toxic productivity"), as many go against our passions and desire to enjoy life to attempt to achieve this intensive capitalistic definition of 'success', which for the most part (in my opinion), is definitely not the definition of a truly successful *life*. For me, I've come to realize (through wonderful voices like Nathaniel and Shayna (the Purple Palace, love her)), that we don't actually have to *make* ourselves successful- we don't need to 'complete' anything to have a successful life. Like simplifying equations in math, when you simplify life and all it's activities, the most basic thing we *have* to do is exist- this sounds stupid, but it's the most universal condition of living, no matter where you are in the world. Therefore, we are already enough for simply existing, and doing so "successfully" would mean enjoying the experience of life in a sustainable, positive manner that doesn't inflict harm to others. That's my definition of success, as it's applicable to everyone, something that the capitalistic definition isn't. When I first started making sense of this idea in high school, I remember thinking, "I won't be good enough unless I get 100 in this class. But then, would that make all my peers who don't achieve that failures?" It was a simple analogy that really made me realize that true success has to be defined universally. In this example, it would be reframing academic success to be the fact that you learned something/increased your own capabilities, rather than achieving this arbitrary standard of a high grade. This makes it reasonable and achievable for everyone, since everyone can learn something, but not everyone is presented with the right factors to be able to achieve 100%. Now applied to life, not everyone is presented with the right factors, internally and externally, to become rich, famous, achieve a high-ranking job, etc. So how could life success be defined by metrics like these when not everyone begins on the same playing field to begin to work towards them? When I realized how exclusive of a definition this was, I began to realize it couldn't possibly be the right one. So tying it back to the self-help part of this, an ideology that tells you to optimize your life specifically for a definition of success that is ultimately flawed must also be flawed in nature. Working hard and being productive isn't the problem, it's the motive you have behind them. If the motive is out of passion and joy, productivity is great, as you're exercising that passion through efficiently completing that activity. But if it's through pressure to achieve this subjective, monetary definition of success (which isn't even achievable for everyone), it becomes strenuous and very unenjoyable. OH boY I did not mean to write a whole essay, my apologies for such a long comment haha~ But I hope my ideas translated. Nathaniel, if you ever read this, I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your more recent sentiments about this topic. The content you've created since you've transitioned from productivity to these ideas of living presently has resonated with me so much, and surely many others as well. I'm very excited and looking forwards to see more of your wonderful work.
I really enjoyed reading this! I think the education system here in the uk really doesn't help, after all life is about enjoying being alive, as little children if we are born into a good situation, we understood that from the beginning, but school should be about learning how to work together and arrange things so we can keep on doing that and help others to do the same, what else really matters? But instead a lot of it is about personal success and getting ahead, we were taught to be selfish and paranoid in a way. The way the marking system works here, there's always going to be a proportion of people who fail, no matter how hard everyone works. That is so screwed up. The most important thing human beings can do now is learn to co-operate, and have fun doing it!
Isn’t it funny how for a lot of us: Tony Robbins is our gateway drug to the self help world full of fake gurus? Now I admire Spencer Cornelia even more.
This dude is straight up gaslighting self help into thinking THEY’RE the crazy manipulative one in the relationship: You MADE me set too high expectations You MADE me do these habits that I don’t actually like You MADE me stress more about stuff You MADE me disregard other areas of my life They’re books dude. Take some accountability.
I second this, im actually very confused about this Video and how confident he tells what he believes while also beeing totally blindsided to his part in this mess of a conclusion.
This video brought tears to my eyes because it spoke to the core of me! I want to live each day as it comes and experience the entirety of the moment. I want to be what and who I am…. Free! Thank you for connecting with where I am in this moment of life.
What do you think of my new logo?
Self help forgot take care of our parents before they leave
Coolest logo ever
are you reading nietzsche?
Nice
It's enlightening
Moral of the story: we waste time over-analyzing and curating the “perfect” life, that we forget that we can simply just live it
Can I add this quote to my readwise?? 😂
Live in the present.
Thanks for the summation. This changed my life 🙏
I don’t know if I’m the only person that thinks like this but has anyone always wondered to themselves once that you no longer need to watch self help and self improvement books videos and channels because your life is already put together and you no longer have anxiety and depression? I’ve gained a lot of knowledge (good and bad) from a lot of self help channels, books and videos from all sources, and I’ve gotten to a point where I just no longer have the need to watch self improvement anymore. I mean really what’s the point? It’s like your still taking lessons from your violin teacher yet you already know how to play violin 100% so what’s the point in continuing it? At some point in my life I had to come to a realization that when you already know how to “self help yourself, you don’t need to watch more “self help” tbh really what’s the point when there is no more point anymore. I’m pulling the plug from a lot of self help channels now, I highly recommend you guys doing it as well, going as far as unsubscribing I mean really cmon it’s the same thing over and over again, especially things that have worked and what haven’t worked for me.
@@metalrockstarizer89 yep exactly. Its more about action now!
In the words of the late British philosopher Alan Watts: "“The meaning of life is just to be alive. It is so plain and so obvious and so simple. And yet, everybody rushes around in a great panic as if it were necessary to achieve something beyond themselves.”"
Personally, I don't find these words particularly compelling or meaningful. The meaning of something highly interpretative like "life" as a concept can't really "just" be what he purports it to be unless you also believe it so, and even then, that belief does not invalidate differing interpretations exactly because it's so interpretative.
It's reductive, which is obvious and not an issue by itself, but it is so in an unflattering sort of way, as if it's cutting short further interpretations of what the meaning of life is, just to make an awkward point.
The last sentence also strikes me as odd because if nobody felt compelled to "rush around in a great panic" we would still be tribal hunter-gatherers with very little motivation to grow beyond that, or why not, we might not even have achieved our current speciation.
Panic, and relatedly, stress and the feeling we need to get things done are useful mechanisms to further ourselves. In that sentence, being in a rush is implied to be a negative, but it's also more fairly seen as a useful consequence of our acknowledgement of time and the restraints it puts on our lives, compelling us to get things done before it's too late.
@@Laolunzuo I don't take the same meaning away from it, in the sense that I think what Watts says is liberating. It is not saying don't pursue, don't dream, don't plan, but what it does is provide a sense of freedom, because the moment you emotionally let go, you can carry on doing these things without all the frustrations or self-loathing or negative emotions or the craving for adulation or approval that might otherwise come with it. You're free to create, but 'succeed' or 'fail', it doesn't matter, even these concepts are mostly based on what you perceive others would consider to be your failures or successes, and you've just internalised it to wield over yourself like a weapon.
I also find it liberating when societal rules with their own agendas and goals feel like it is bearing down on me, because there is no ultimate goal to it. We can reinvent the wheel and create variations on things, but it always comes round full circle. Being alive is enough, being alive is great, but then all there is is life and connection to everything around us. Even when we 'die' (sadly a word whose meaning seems largely to be associated with an absolute ending, or a move into nothingness), we're simply going back to whatever it was before we were born; it's a great mystery to us, but a necessary one.
@@Laolunzuo you’re so lost
@@aaronharman5431 I might be, but I'd appreciate it if you could elaborate on why you think I am.
That’s basically the message of Pixar’s Soul.
I like this new direction of more people becoming aware of “toxic productivity/self help”.
This entire video is just him gaslighting us into blaming the BOOKS for HIS inability to take accountability for how he implements them.
@@jamesembrey3100 i guess you might misconceptualize the actual purpose of reading books. books are born for us to gain deep insights and shape our beliefs about the world, not to tell us what we should do or how we should live our life
@@alfredng4442 self help is just a bunch along suggestions, some good, some bad, it’s the READERS responsibility to decide what’s good for them.
Reading Mein Kampf doesn’t MAKE you a Nazis, the same way productivity books don’t FORCE you to be neurotically productive.
Art is not toxic. WE are toxic.
Or in this instance, this guy is toxic, he’s just blaming the books as a scapegoat
@@jamesembrey3100 i guess reading books is still the notion of social construct, which we are in the journey of defining and applying it ourselves. reading might be helpful in your case, but it's not necessarily in others. then it's ok to share your thoughts, not to criticise people for the way they live. you are supposed to get out of your echo chamber and accept the multidimensional viewpoints instead of blindly collecting and proving your one-sided point.
@@alfredng4442 refusing to except responsibility for your poor implementation is a viewpoint that seems deserving of criticism
"I don't want to behave in a way that sort of implies that I'm broken."
That quote perfectly summarizes my problem with self-help as well. We're all different, as cliché as it sounds. For example, some people are natural early risers and can therefore follow the advice of waking up at 5 am really well. However, for others going to bed and waking up late works best for their well-being, simply because they're wired that way. I think that people use self-help as a shortcut instead of getting to know themselves, and then feel "broken" because they are following rules which were never meant for them.
i think people are using self help the wrong way, looking the answers outside of themselves instead of looking within. that's what self help really means, i believe.
@@niciacruz Agreed.
Our circadian rhythm is that of diurnal animals, and over extended periods of time, going to bed late/rising late, and not receiving that morning burst sunlight in your eyes can cause health problems. I do agree that a lot of self-help gurus are phoneys, but there is a lot of science supporting how rising early is an incredibly healthy habit to learn.
The visuals of this video are so clean, I wanna cry
Me too
Exactly, really really well produced video
I tried to hold back the tears, but it was impossible
I cry!
@illneas wow two of my favorite visual story tellers in the same place
100% relate to this message man. Feels good to see someone like you address this topic! 🙌🏽
Same!!
love this tremendously
He's just so perfect to address this kind of topics.
100%
So self-help is just a stepping stone to eventually freeing yourself and living life properly
That's a great way of putting it.
Very well said!
It is like a hiking staff you need and can use, when necessary, but you do not need to hold it tight like your life depends on it everyday.
@@nathanieldrew if they’re useful, then why did you blame BOOKS for YOUR overly neurotic implementation?
YOU brought the neuroticism to the table. Not the GENRE.
Take some accountability.
@@jamesembrey3100 I'd suggest you to calm down take a step back and take some fresh perspective, man.
I've read a couple of your comments and you seem to be cemented in this belief that Nathaniel is basically a crappy guy who wants people to think that self-help is complete trash - or at least that's the impression you left on me.
While it is not the case, Nat literally all throughout the video mentioned how he got to the point of his realisation and in the end even mentioned that the past him seemed to need all that self-help guidance while you're trying to put a label of "he's just lazy and neurotic". Plus, he explained what it all meant for HIM, how HE felt and feels now about living a rigid life. And I do believe that this guy actually is a quite accountable and responsible guy so I don't see this argument here either.
It's not like he even once said:
"Guys, self-help is trash, let's cancel this part of the world"
Could you explain your point of view to me? Because I just can't seem to understand why sharing his emotions and journey with the world are supposed to be a clear sign of the quote I wrote above and you seem to do so. I'm genuinely curious, there's not a single spot of sarcasm in all of it, really. Or am I getting you wrong?
I’m in the exactly same mental space right now. Not forcing myself to be a machine, to always be in a good mood, to be perfect. I’m accepting both good and bad emotions to arise. I’m still trying to accomplish my goals but I accept my failures. It honestly feels really good.
The concept of self help in today’s world is constantly trying to “fix” yourself. When in reality it’s less to do with fixing and has more to do with reflecting and embracing your journey as is.
What if someone is broke? Should he not try to fix himself?
@@AsifAkhtar20 in most situations it is more idea of being wrong than real being broken, dont You think?
@quzacciRE Agreed
@@anasapsana824 can you explain
I'm tired of pursuing mindsets. You are told to have a specific mindset and that makes you forget who you really are.
Yes! This is exactly what I have been struggling with. After a period of poor mental health, I began to 'fix' myself, reading many books, finding inspirational quotes on Pinterest and constantly trying to better myself. I did genuinely enjoy this search for myself but after diving into the world of self help so much, my brain felt so so empty. Like there was nothing in my head, like I would always be trying to be better and I'd never be good enough. It is so toxic to me. I went through a stage of journaling a lot and now my brain is purely empty, took away all my curiosity for things other than bettering myself.
IK this is late, but thank you. this is just what I needed. I've been so busy trying to fix myself and heal myself and do all sorts of things solving problems within and your comment made me realize maybe I"m TOO inwardly focused to the point where I''m not curious about life anymore only so i can work on what i need to better within myself so i can achieve my goals and be a better version of me. WHen maybe the better version of me is when I"m curious about life and the world.
We learn as children to “correct” all the time our behavior to be “a better person”.
Takes a lifetime to unlearn that and eventually (re)love ourselves for what we are.
ironic
Oh my gawd... So true...#articulation
Are you actually arguing AGAINST Being a better person?
@@jamesembrey3100 I think it does not imply to not being a good person, but just to be conditioned to behave properly. That can lead to misery, because if we are conditioned to function and behave as children, so no shame comes to our parents, then we are afraid to check our borders and overstep a bit sometimes. Which is important, because otherwise you are conditioned to let other people step into your bubble and still behave properly, even if they treat you wrong. That is why I started martial arts as a philosophical journey, because I wanted to learn how to defend my bubble against people overstepping my borders uninvited. Now being over 40 years old with over 20 years of martial arts experiences, I am finally at a point, where my bubble is safe and I made myself free from this condition as a child to behave all the time without questioning. So behaving is something different, than good manners (my manners are excellent). You can be a good person with good manners, still being free of this condition as a child to be good and behave (like a well trained dog)
@@jamesembrey3100 it’s more arguing against the self-culpability and self-hate from trying to be better. The mentality behind.
“I’m not productive enough at work, so I’m a bad enployee”, “I’m not tall enough so I’m ugly” “I’m not perfect enough, so I have to perfect myself”, all that negative self talk because we learn that what we are is not good enough.
I pursue greatness of course, but in terms of emotional serenity and not by obsessing over “getting better” to fit what authority as a child subjectively dictated me is good.
I have gotten to 14 daily morning rituals including ice baths, 2 mile runs, meditation, the gym, and I have never resonated more with a video lol
but if there was any difference or change in you? during the time you were doing all that?
Those self-help phoneys don't care about you - they care only for ad revenue and their cruisy lifestyles.
@@deinisperez3838 the answer is no.. you are still the same person.. you just are just hiding behind an illusion
@@deinisperez3838 On my own, the point of some habits that self-help provides are the positive benefits that have in everyone's health. The point is not changing who you are. And if you don't agree, I suggest you the Hubermann Lab Channel where he explains the benefits of meditation, exercise, cold showers and more.
NATHANIEL, this is so refreshing and quite frankly, empowering. You’ve articulated something that I didn’t even know I’ve been struggling with. A bit of self-improvement here and there obviously doesn’t hurt, but once you feel bad for not doing something you feel like “you have to do” that’s when it becomes problematic. I feel like the core habits / routines I do keep have become effortless- because they simply make me feel good, but I’m okay if I miss a day or two. And that’s the thing, constant self-help / self-improvement can actually add more friction to our lives bc we feel bad if we don’t follow through on a certain habit or thing. We don’t need to be constantly optimizing or as you said “fixing” ourselves.
hugs to you 🤗
Literally same!! thanks Nate!
Soooooooo true, I feel the same way! Amazing video
Very well said ❤️
Absolutely love this take. And I love the balanced approach that you always seem to demonstrate. You didn't demonize self help, you simply moved past the stage of using it to 'fix yourself'. We are not broken 💪🏻
I really have to thank you for making this video. I was really struggling with the fact that I didn't like the self help videos I was watching because I was under the impression that because these videos are trying to help me, I shouldn't criticize them. Now i realize that they werent actually helping me at all, they were just giving me the mindset you displayed in this video, which wasnt a way i wanted to live. Thank you again!
As a confused 19 year old I must say,
trying to figure out life and once place in the world is messy and often scary...
Thank you for this video.
life can stay like that, at times, not just because you are 19, evenso, life is always worth it : )
and every day has its gifts. sending a hug for when you need it, from 35 years away (i am 56).
Hugs to you. I am 33, but I can agree: life is sometimes not easy to understand. For me, my leading principle is: find the balance. Because, usually if you do something in the extreme, it starts to be harmful. Like, if you don't want to learn anything and change anything that's not good. But if you chase perfection and constantly push yourself, mercilessly, ruthlessly, that's also toxic. We should do things in moderation and find the balance, the healthy amount of ambition to improve and the healthy amount of self compassion (not to think "I am better than everyone" but not hating yourself either). It is so interesting, even medical plants are often cures for diseases in moderation, but toxic in overdose. Another important thing is, create your safe haven in life. There must be something you can turn to. Like, for me, books and nature are a safe haven. Even when I worked abroad and felt lonely, my books accompanied me everywhere, and I could observe and spend time in nature everywhere. It is good if you have safe persons too, but unfortunately sometimes the people we trusted most leave us in the ditch, so it is good to have a plan B.
Your age has nothing to do with it, I am in my 40s and just scratching the surface of my place in the world.
You just put into words why I never felt really good about self-help, bullet journals, routines, etc. I think these things are useful tools when used in a balanced and healthy way. But once it becomes an obligation, an obsession, once you start feeling bad for not doing these particular things everyday, this is when it actually get toxic. We all need a bit of self-discipline in our lives as well as spontaneity, we need to make plans, but also let ourselves be surprised by life. As you said, we are irrational and emotional creatures, not machines. Thank you so much for this video, you've addressed a really important issue, and it will definitely help a lot of people, me included ! I'm sending you love from New Caledonia
I like your unpopular opinions and lessons from your journey. They’re so refreshing and causes one to think critically. I strive for my films to get to half your quality too. Blessings ❤️
I think unpopular opinions give us an opportunity for us to challenge ourselves as well and not necessarily question ourselves but allow us to become more tolerant to the idea that people just have differing opinions of stuff we never thought of before and it's quite enlightening
Amor fati
I can defo relate to the self-help journey: wanting to become something that you're not, having a path laid out that'll supposedly get you there, and then realizing that what you really wanted was to accept yourself for who you are.
“I think I have a lot more to offer life when I do not treat it like a competition or performance” - Nathaniel Drew
Very interesting video, as always, a viewpoint I didn’t realise I needed to hear but glad I did.
I'm struggling with this too. I read Atomic Habits recently and think that it's a much better approach to making changes than most "get your shit together" books. It made me aware of a lot of things and why I have barriers to them, and why other things come easily and naturally. Since then I have been more interested in the idea of systems instead of goals, but I am also wary of systems becoming a goal. Anyhow, cool to see you're on a new journey and I will continue to follow. Here's to more curiosity!
Do you recomend that book? For what purpose?
I‘m also reading Atomic Habits right now and I have to say I see the added value in it compared to the other Self-help Books.I like the fact of having Systems and Healthy habits as an expression of self love and not in order to reach a specific goal.
very good book i recomend it and completely agree with this
I really appreciate you for being so honest about your journey. Not many people would be able to do this. To completely open up about how much your values and goals changed over the years and owning up to it although it requires a serious transition from your work from past. I like this and relate to it. Life is definitely evolving everyday and change is necessary. Also your willingness to share this shows the potential of this channel and all the future success that's coming your way. :)
"I'm no longer tryna fix myself" really resonated with me, wow🙏
My understanding with self improvement is that, it's great, it's necessary to look for ways to improve in life. However to obsess over it and constantly read/learn about it 24/7 is where the problem begins to occur. Your life just revolves around the goal, rather than the present time.
Love your journey so much man. After years of overworking myself into stress, anxiety, and panic attacks-trying to track all of my habits in a bullet journey, religiously reading self-help books, trying to change who I was to find fulfillment or happiness-I've realized over the last year that the goal shouldn't be "what will make me happy, all the time," because that's impossible. Emotions coexist within us, so the goal should really be to eliminate that question from our minds entirely. The goals have shifted towards being more playful, peaceful, and present. And, wow, the pace of life has really slowed down and I'm enjoying life so much more.
I think it's a bit of a generalization to say "self-help tells us this." "Self-help" can be very different, a lot of books that are considered "self-help" talk about acceptance, self-love and not about how to constantly be better. Also I think most people anyways have that feeling of "when I reach this, then...." and it has nothing to do with self-help. It's just how we work. Some people try to chase materialistic things, that make them feel like they are progressing in life, others are trying to improve their habits, others are working/studying hard...etc I'm not sure I agree that it's self-help that makes us feel like we are "not enough". It more so comes from our childhood, how we are brought up etc and self-help is just one of MANY ways how people are trying to reach the "I'm enough" state.
I couldn't agree more with what you said!
I think self-help can definitely become addictive though, and suddenly you're following the accounts of motivational speakers and these 'mindset' pages that ultimately do tell you what is acceptable or not. I'm listening to an audiobook called 'Happy sexy millionaire' and the guy talks about when people ask these deep questions or make these statements about 'Finding your purpose' and how he dislikes it. Because really, it's not a question that has an answer nor really needs one. Realistically, our purpose is just being who we are, as we are, recreating and dying. Our purpose you could then argue is to 'find what makes us happy' but being happy isn't a static state, it's a fleeting emotion that we could spend ages chasing and never havie it fully in our grasp because we don't always know what will make us 'truly happy'. Because what even is being 'truly happy'? It sometimes is just in the now, in the moment that was a totally unplanned event/experience, but for some people, they need it to be like a check point. However that being said, that comes with accepting to become content with how life can be and that can take self-help books and stuff to get to this point, which is what I believe the video to be about. I don't think he's slamming it, but just pointing out how he's recognised he no longer needs to keep doing it :)
@SELF CARE MIDLIFE EMPOWERMENT Yess, I agree with you! At some point I was into "motivation-productivity" side of self-help, but through years it transformed into just figuring out who I am, self-love etc..the term is really broad, I personally think you can "get brainwashed" by everything if you get too obsessed with it :) Have a nice weekend, too!
THANK YOU!! I feel a lot of TH-cam Vloggers are attacking the self-help market lately by narrowing it's concept into the toxic world the big self-help gurus created. Self-help certainly isn't the enemy, and not every book in the market has been created to brainwash and manipulate you into investing in their world.
@@BeyondaThought 100%!
I truly believe this is among the best videos on this platform. Pure truth. Thank you for putting in words what I couldn't explain💪
Nathaniel all of your videos are extremely insightful. I'm so glad the algorithm recommended the video about your host father all those years ago
I never could put my finger on why self help could be bad, but you explained it in such a simple way- thank you!!
Through self-help, I became the person I always wanted to be, disciplined and responsible. However, I drove myself crazy working non-stop because I never was a super serious person before and I forced myself to be something I'm not. I'm still grateful for the tips and tricks I learned along the way but I'm glad I'm no longer putting myself under so much pressure and I'm working on being kind to myself.
No joke. This is the best video Ive ever seen on TH-cam. I couldnt relate more. Feels like I made almost the same process in my mind when I began to reflect of how selfhelp was slowly ruining my life. Thank you for this reminder!
This one was such an eye opener. Not quite sure when I started my own self help journey but it must be 5+ years now. As an example, sometimes I will find myself stressing about what's in my wardrobe for maximum efficiency, but I've never once needed that extra 5 minutes that I would take deciding what to wear. I could think of multiple examples like that. I'll spend so much time stressing about set ups, routines and what have you, that I sometimes forget to live. Like you said, self help is a very intriguing place at the start, but once you get sucked into it, you feel like you have to keep up with because if not, your life won't be as fulfilling. Every now and again we just need to take things with a pinch of salt and find things out for ourselves. After all, the best way to learn something is by doing it. Cheers Nathaniel.
I absolutely resonated with this video. Ironically, seeking for self help is also what got me out of its toxicity. I talked to someone, I sat down with myself, I worked backwards and questioned why I kept feeling helpless. I healed out of self help gradually over time, and it happened almost by accident. I began to realize the things that were causing my headaches was this idolized fantasy like image of my self. I knew in the back of my mind that it came from fears and insecurities, and although I never really thought about it, I automatically assumed self help was another thing that encouraged that insecurity. So, I stopped reading about it
The music is so beautifully placed throughout this video
Went on a self help rabbit hole myself back in 2017 and I never felt so seen. I love the evolution of this channel and how I feel like I’m growing with it. Absolutely feel the same way about the subject. Thank you for sharing this
The “me not realizing it” part. I died😂
Going along with you on this journey is epic as we learn and unlearn things about you.
So excited for this new perspective Nathaniel. Wishing you the best
earlier today i had a realization that i wasn't chasing something but actually running away
all my goals and to-do lists were a facade of not wanting to feel like a failure
instead of sitting with that feeling and deal with it, i kept going with this "self-help journey"
thank you!
Love this new direction & definitely resonates. For some reason this reminded me of the ending of the book Wild:
“It was all unknown to me then, as I sat on that white bench on the day I finished my hike. Everything except the fact that I didn't have to know. That is was enough to trust that what I'd done was true. To understand its meaning without yet being able to say precisely what it was, like all those lines from The Dream of a Common Language that had run through my nights and days. To believe that I didn't need to reach with my bare hands anymore. To know that seeing the fish beneath the surface of the water was enough. That it was everything. It was my life - like all lives, mysterious and irrevocable and sacred. So very close, so very present, so very belonging to me.
How wild it was, to let it be.”
Ditto! Exactly! I’ve come to the same conclusion by my actions or lack of certain actions but you in this video put them into beautiful words! If it’s causing anxiety then it’s no good. When I let go of trying to fit myself into a certain box I feel lighter, happier. Let go of expectations, be ok with things as they come and believing, in my case, that God will guide you and protect you if you let go of control and just BE. Always love your videos. Traveling the world is a dream for me especially Europe, so rich in history and beauty; so looking forward to seeing more travel videos!
recently started to aknowledge that noone really has a "best life" answer, feels weirdly great, like Im suddenly okay being me as I am right now. It´s nice to follow your journey :)
"I don't need to create the person that I think I need to be, I can just be the person that I am." damn bro you just called my ass out w this one 😶🤐
AMAZING VIDEO. Yeah, the truth is, if you are seeking out self-help material, you believe your life is 'not good enough' or that you are lacking in some area of life. That's not always a bad thing, because, if we always felt 100% 'enough,' then we would never get up in the morning to go to work. I think self-help material becomes cult-like when you are consuming hours and hours of content every single week and every single decision in your life is influenced by some audiobook or podcast you listened to. It feels good to stop listening to self-help stuff and just live life! I know many people who hardly consume any self-help material and they love their life... perspective is huge.
This resonates a lot with me. I got a lot from plunging into the self help world, and it set me off on a great start, mostly through the idea of "working on myself". But it got to a point where it became unsustainable...goal setting...wake up, make my bed, meditate, cold water, journal, goals for the day. Meditate before bed, journal (reflecting on things I'm grateful for, good deeds for the day etc) tight schedule mon-fri with my training and eating....And I did have feelings of failure, looking back, when I didn't perform or missed something out, and they really set me back. I found myself just sacking everything off for periods of time, and falling back into self pity, to then have to motivate myself to get it all going again, to once again hit a wall and fall apart.
I think the thing is, knowing when to move away and start tackling things by yourself. I think general "self-help" is good for building a foundation, for you to then use to explore life and yourself.
I'm in a really good place right now. I meditate every morning, because I love to do it. I don't journal everyday (I used to find this a bore/pain more than anything) instead I make time every now and again to write. Or if I have a thought during the day, I'll hold it and make time to write about it and explore it some time...and many other little things I do/don't do which I'm sure won't fit into this comment box. I started to really look into myself, ask myself those hard questions, and was honest with myself. I think that's very important. Focusing on love and compassion, and using my knowledge to help others, are also things I've adopted that compliment my life a great deal.
If your reading this I hope you have a beautiful day. Sending all the love n vibes your way.
You know, youre finally starting to look genuinely happy. It's a beautiful journey you're on Nathan, I can't wait to see where it leads you. :)
On the other hand.. Self-help helped me come to this realization.
Overstimulation, achieving, running, learning, thinking, building.. exhausted me. I failed to forgive my misgivings and imperfections, forgot to just live, as you said.
I overwhelmed myself with how my reality should be and this created a deep need for silence and inner contemplation.
Perhaps a new chapter has begun, but with more knowledge and acceptance.
You have great presenting skills and vocalize a feeling and thought I couldn't.
I barely ever comment, so kudos to you.
My family says that "every moment in life is either an adventure or a learning experience, but you won't necessarily know which until it passes." I'm happy to see that you are learning from both of your experiences and adventures. Beautiful video as always
i can feel such a shift in how people are viewing self care by recognizing how absolutely toxic it is. it goes against natural human instincts, like curiosity and living a life of adventure and caring for others and building communities. this video came at the just the right time in my life. i finished with school in august, and now that im finally out of academia, i've realized how toxic it was to me. i wanted to be the perfect student and the perfect person. i wanted everyone to love me and put so much pressure on myself to optimize my productivity. but that isn't being human.
my journey of "self help" coincides strongly with your timeline. i feel like ive gone on this journey with you in a way. thank you for making this video and articulating everything i've felt in the past few months about what self help has done to me.
I feel like my entire life I've been looking for someone to put this concept into words that I could not just understand, but really feel on a soul level. Watching this video was like "ah-hah" I totally get that. The way you articulated this is spot on, and really inspired me to re-evaluate my own blog to make sure I'm not promoting toxic self-help in my articles without even knowing it. I'm definitely going to share this video because it really moved me to embrace my journey as is and seek adventure over perfection.
Self help is often an escape because sometimes we are simply too afraid to just live and experience life.
"You can't pull yourself by your own bootstraps!" -Alan Watts
Alan Watts lecture "How to be a Better Person" literally changed my life.
There's a delicate balance between the Ideal Self that we can strive to become, and the radical realization that we can never truly "become" it because we "are" that.
In other words, one must strive to live by virtue, yet realize we will never become fully realized people because of our nature (as humans).
Aristotle argues that virtue is good in and of itself, and just because you haven't reached "the end" doesn't mean the struggle for Goodness and Virtue wasn't worth it.
@@nicorobin2438 yes, the only full length talk I could find was an album by a composer called "Akira the Don"
th-cam.com/video/4IhFCmd9yuo/w-d-xo.html
There's the link for the lecture!
Yes, I couldn't agree with you more. My leading principle is also to find balance. Find the optimal amount of things, that is neither too much nor too little. The great thinkers of old really had some good life changing insights.
@@june.w.1288 Sounds a lot like The Golden Mean :)
@@matthewcote5198 everyone makes judgment coming from himself.
I have always questioned, at what point does self help become toxic? Love your content, your insight is so valuable
It is a matter of the "right" dosage. It is absolutely possible to aim for perfection that doesn't exist. But it is equally possible to justify "doing nothing" like that. The truth lies somewhere in the middle. It surely is a worthy endeavor to improve the personal circumstances but it is never worth making an obsession out of it
It is almost always the "middle way"...
@@brianmarshall3931 And we're terrible at finding it because I believe we always expect more from it, or to be a more obvious check point marked that we can recognise when we've reached it
@@RhianeHacker I have more or less set a general direction and been quite satisfied if I get noticeable results. Sometimes that spurs me to keep going - other times I look for another minor challenge. It's the HUGE goals that break you... small bites work for me.
I believe failing is a gift bc it leads us to be more self aware. Which leads us to know ourselves better.
Yes. We have to find balance: the healthy amount of things. Almost in every case, the golden middle road is the best. Going to the extreme very often hurts someone.
I just watched all Nathaniel’s videos from oldest to newest. Took me a few months but I finally did it. I also get the newsletter. The most therapeutic videos I’ve ever watched. The authenticity is radiating. The most beautiful videos I’ve watched, the most beautiful person I’ve ever followed. I’m lucky to have had you get into documenting your life.
I appreciate the transparency and the journey of nathaniel that he shared, I am both a subscriber and unsubscriber back then with his content because self-help leads me unsure, over-anticipating and over-rationalizing. at some point I just had a belief that we all are just thrown in the midst of confusion of existence, that I don't have to try so hard attaining certainty in it, I just have to play with it I suppose. cheers to our journey and self-honesty.
sometimes a wrong action teaches you the right lessons....I am glad I took the course of SELF HELP not because it helped me to become better but made me realize what I am not supposed to do and thus I started developing my own opinion and getting comfortable in my own skin day by day. Process is still on but this time I am figuring it out by myself and not by self help.
Hey Drew, this video genuinely shook me to my core. I now realise that during the most recent lockdown (I'm based in New Zealand) I have been leaning hard into self-help as a way to subconsciously seize control of my life because when everything seems so out of control. But you hit on the nail of the head. A single-minded approach can be stifling. Thank you!
At the end of the day we all want a life that is expansive and rich and like you said I think we try to find belief and meaning in things and self help is one them for some people. It can feel productive but sometimes it takes away from enjoying the process and we focus more on ‘have to do’ instead of ‘get to do’. Interesting video 🥰
Man, this feels therapeutic and like a breath of fresh air. Keep this great work flowin, it's awesome.
Having just got out (hopefully!) of the self-help trap myself, I have to say that you put into words things I was struggling to describe for myself! What I have realised is that we can keep developing without "self-help". And for those that really want to dig deeper, there is always therapy. This year, I am definitely trying therapy. And living this damn life instead of designing it. Thanks for this video!
Self-awareness is beyond the limited stiffness and short-sightedness of self-help. Wonderful message.
also animations are on point - shout out to the bro!
Nathaniel, thank you for sharing this with us. I'll admit that I got quite caught up in the idea of "self-help" and thinking that I needed to learn all these things about it in order to "fix" myself and my life. I just recently started coming to this same exact realization that you have; all of this "self-help" has really just put me inside of this box that I was too afraid to step out of for fear that I would then be a failure because I didn't stick to all these rigid rules. I've tried making my whole life a routine, but I could never actually follow through with it and that in itself would upset me greatly. I reached a point where life just felt like it was in a rush and I felt like I was behind because I wasn't "becoming who I wanted to be". I'm now trying to practice a lot more self-compassion; stick with the healthy habits that actually do seem to contribute positively to my life, but not make fixing myself my sole mission. There is so much more to life and keeping myself in this rigid box doesn't allow me to experience life and the many mysteries that unfold.
I'm actually so glad that self help made me steer into the direction of reading about psychology and especially trauma research and practices. That led me to so many things that actual self help usually uses as a side note. Many of the mindset shifts and the reality that bad feelings need to be felt and not ran from are things I fully learned the "how" and "why" to in actual psychology books. Some stuff fully research, some with only a big pile of anecdotal research.
So I totally think that self help is just a path to figuring your life out for yourself. I have way less of a perfectionistic view on my life now that I accepted there is no such thing and that perfectionism is a need for control we simply don't have about many things. All this also helped me define my own version of happiness and success and made me compare myself less and just do stuff I wanted to do. I feel like I'm finally starting to figure out this sweet spot of liking it where I am as well as wanting to grow and adventure. Beautiful feeling. 🥰❤️
I am so happy for you that you are on the path of healing and happiness. On all points, I totally agree with you. We make the decision how things affect us, how we react to what happens with us, what we read, what we conclude and learn from these things. But, it is true: we have to find balance. The golden middle road. It is good to learn new things and improve ourselves. But we should not be merciless and cruel to ourselves and push ourselves 24/7. We have to find what is the healthy amount of improving and beyond that, we have some compassion with ourselves and accept and love ourselves too. We cannot chase a dream of perfection.
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽touched and happy for you! I’m 50 years old and had the same realization as you “that i was broken and I needed to fix myself” I wish you all the luck in the world. Keep on being your unique self, love it 🙏🏽
The point you mentioned about journaling in other ways, I'm curious to know more about that.
Leave it to Nathaniel Drew to always reignite my passion for adventure
This is literally everything I’ve been feeling in the last couple months! The way you put it into words and visuals perfectly aligns with the feelings and thoughts I’ve been having. Truly impressed how you manage to execute powerful messages in such a graceful & empowering way. My favorite video by far 🙌🏼
Thank you so much for posting this. I couldn't put my finger on it but I've just been feeling off for a couple months. My normal self care rituals, like yoga, meditation and reading (literally some self help books) just hasn't been sparking my interest or feeling right. I felt distant from my friends and just lost in life. My normal self help goals weren't intriguing and I would regularly "fail" at meeting the goals. All those things worked great for me at a point in life when I needed it. You made a video for exactly how I feel and how I might think differently about it. I need to start just being okay with who I am right now. Time for more adventuring for this gal! (Road trips and hiking is my cup of tea). Thanks Nathaniel.
Hey Nathaniel I loved this video. One friendly critique though-- I would advise clearly defining your version of self-help because there are so many different approaches and subgenres to it. There are more mainstream sides to it, more spiritual edges, more capitalistic productive sides, etc. I'm watching this video loving your insight but had a completely different experience because I don't think we were within the same subgenres. Keep up the amazing work as always Nathaniel!! :-)
So agree! Many have different definitions and approach it with different intentions 🤷🏻♀️😁
yes! i agreeee! in the last months i have been slowly letting go of self help habits and ideas of optimizations because it exhausted me and i took the risk to slowly let it all go. and i am feeling so good about it. it is still sinking in and it is hard to let go of the attachment still and let my nervous system relax.
i love „life becomes more expansive the more open and relaxed that you are“. thanks for the video ❤️
“Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.”
So excited for you on your journey! I'm walking along the same path. Here's a favorite quote of mine from the brilliant Marion Woodman:
"Living by principles is not living your own life. It is easier to try to be better than you are than to be who you are. If you are trying to live by ideals, you are constantly plagued by a sense of unreality. Somewhere you think there must be some joy; it can't be all "must," "ought to," "have to." And when the crunch comes, you have to recognize the truth: you weren't there. Then the house of cards collapses."
Love the new designs man. I've spent the last couple years of my life diving so deep into self-help that I forgot what it was that I was trying to help myself do and achieve. Like you mentioned, my self-help mentality was fueled by an insatiable feeling of self-judgement. Ultimately, I'm realizing that what I need more than anything is self-love. It's not that we want to stop improving, but we'd certainly like to love ourselves along the way and forgive ourselves when setbacks occur. Really insightful video Nathaniel, I'm excited to see where your journey takes us moving forward!
"Just be yourself" is the hardest piece of advice to follow, and I've felt so similarly around self-help having gone down the rabbit hole myself. All of your videos speak to me Nathaniel but this one is my favourite by-far, thank you for making it!
I absolutely needed to hear this. Especially when you said "Stop acting in a way that implies that you are broken." Wow.
I have also tried to be rigid with my habits. Cold showers and tracking calories included. But the moment it makes me feel bad, I'm intentionally going to miss the next day.
Your content is so damn inspiring, and I hope that one day, the content I produce is just as valuable as this. And I never make comments like these.
All love brother.
Such a different vibe in you !
And all of this quite describe what struck me when I read about Non Violent Communication : nothing is good or bad, everything is just you having needs, and emotions attached to it.
Amazing video. Thanks for sharing your thoughts! 🔥🔥🔥
THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! I NEEDED THIS because at the start of the year I read a lot of self help books, tried to create a better version of myself but somehow resisted all of these very soon and I felt bad about it and spiralled into feeling very bad about myself for not improving myself and all and I started to think if I’m just overthinking all of these and this video shed so much clarify that sometimes we don’t need to heal ourselves because we just think we are broken, but we are actually fuller than we think, stronger than we think, there’s no need to improve when we’re already amazing in our own ways. And thank you for introducing The idea of amor fati, I have been searching for a quote that I truly believe in and somehow this sticks! And I love how magical fate is!
If there was only room on the internet for one self help video, it should be this one. VERY refreshing to hear, and I think deep down we all know that seeking perfection and competing to get there with ourselves, and with others, isn't the route to self improvement really. Thank you!
'The things I don't do it anymore' could very well have been written by me. Both cold showers and bullet journaling are things I've done [among many others haha] with an 'I have to do this to be better' mindset. I don't do them anymore, not unless I want to, but I don't make myself do them.
I relate so well to your self-improvement journey and the point you've reached, I also don't want to 'improve myself' anymore, I just want to be myself. That doesn't mean doing things wrong just because that's the way I am. We all should aim to learn from our mistakes and try to improve upon them. But self-help makes you feel like everything you do is in fact a mistake, like there's a perfect procedure to do everything in life and you must learn them all to 'live the right way'.
That's absurd, there's no absolute right or wrong in life. Because life is so changing and dynamic, right and wrong are also changing and dynamic. Something as static as a book can never teach you how to live something as dynamic as a life. So if you want to grow and be a better human, you have to do it yourself, assessing what's right or wrong at every moment with your own knowledge.
This is literally what everyone [self-help reader or no] does, it is the very definition of life, thus making self-help paradoxical; it tries to teach you something you already know, and it even makes you forget it the more you get into it! The more you read these kinds of books, the more dependent on their knowledge you become, which makes your bubble (as you well say) shrink instead of expanding.
That's not to say you cannot learn nothing from books. You can learn a lot, but that's not why most of us start reading self-help books. We all try to look for a definitive answer to how to live, a way to approach every situation knowing we're doing it right. That's not learning, that's trying to substitute who we are with a series of [supposedly] perfect procedures and maneuvers.
Thank you so much for this video! It made me reflect on my experience and clarify my thoughts on the subject even more.
I think it is important to distinguish between "self-improvement" and "self-help" here. What you are referring to in the video sounds more like self-improvement which is often motivated by external factors such as comparisons and expextations that might not even coincide with what you really want or need. It is easy to get lost in self improvement that clings to an external perception of what you should be like. Self help (for me) always comes from a place of self-compassion and wanting to connect with yourself. It is essentially more internally motivated and different from self-improvement. I feel that with self improvement you want to achieve or change something whereas in self-help it is more about finding and connecting.
Wow, I love this! Very nicely said :)
Thank you for sharing your insights, I always feel inspired. While listening to you, I remembered a dream I had once. I was sitting on a bar listening to someone singing and I told the waiter that my dream for a long time was to be a singer, but life happened and I turned to be something else. He asked if I wondered about whether I would be happier if I were a singer. And I answered: “I don’t know, all I know is who I am and that’s it”. That was powerful. Hold on to an idea of what we should be is a prison because in reality what we are is in constantly mutation.
Morning routines, habits keep changing throughout the year. A new season brings new energy. Sometimes, solution to problems beyond our control changes routines. Or new challenges throws one out of balance and back to square one and suddenly everything makes sense after a while. I could connect to the insights you shared. Your videos are beautiful. Best wishes from India.
I love this and as life would have it, I turned off my morning routine about six months ago and recently felt called to re-implement some aspects of it again. Gosh, it feels good. My thought is that life is about the energy of movement -the ebb and flows and when we surrender to each new chapter, we just do ourselves a big favour by welcoming it instead of resisting it. I adore your videos and watching another human in the discovery of it all!
Hey YOU, beautiful person reading this...The truth is you are confident and good enough already with who you are, where you are at and what you have right now to have the success you want in life. Don't let others define what “success” is for you. Get up, learn that skill and go after it! I believe in you so much! Have an awesome day! - Love, Nat ❤️
"I don't want to behave in a way that implies that I'm broken." ❤️
I think the moral of the story is that the real joy is in the process, not in the destination. I definitely found myself in a trap where I was so bent on self improvement, and looking at the future that I wasn’t happy right now. However, self improvement content has improved (and possibly saved) my life in ways so deep it’s hard to really describe. I’ve just had to learn to be on my own side while I grow, and be patient with the improvements as they come.
You put exactly how I feel about self help in a way I couldn't put it before. It's so important to have this awareness of toxic productivity and how 'self-help' isn't really going to do much on its own.
Nathaniel, I watch all your videos but never commented before. Two things surprise me about your productions: First, your content and storytelling capabilities. Second, your intros and graphics. Would you mind share how you do them? I'm a content creator from Brazil (btw I loved seeing you speaking Portuguese 😍 ), and I'm finding ways to increase the bar of my productions (they are related to software development). Thanks in advance 🤝
Also, you have the best b-rolls of everyone on TH-cam, hands down 👍
I believe that there's a class he teaches on skill share if you are interested
Cara, não te esperava por aqui haha
Caraaaca, o Deschamps kkkk
aaa q legal vc aqui!
I think a term that is missing from the video is "toxic productivity culture". Many people and authors dive into self-help only by switching the objective of the perfect job to the objective of the perfect life. These both serve the same purpose. Really happy for your new journey, appreciate the sharing.
I really like everyone's input in the comments so I thought I'd add my own, which is essentially Nathaniel's message but the way I personally got there:)
To me, Nathaniel is touching more upon the more "capitalistic" sense of self-help that aims to make you the most efficient and productive you can be- essentially the most mentally and physically optimized to work. This to me makes his sentiments about how it can become really strenuous, rigid, and pressuring make sense. Over the years as I've seen creators on yt (and people in general) become more attracted to this idea, it really urked me in a way I couldn't put into words, but I soon came to realize why: in the capitalistic sense, self-help tells you to organize your life to almost exclusively prioritize output rather than the actual experience of life. In the west, we grow up always hearing "if you work hard enough, you'll make it" or "the ones that work harder than every one else win"; which in other words proposes that if you don't work the *hardest* you won't make it. This leads many people to become very obsessed with optimizing their lives with very rigid routines that gets a lot of work done. But *naturally*, since we are magnificently complicated beings influenced by continuously changing factors we can't control, when we fall off this very rigid track we believe ourselves to be failures, thinking that "if I don't keep up with this, I know OTHERS will, and I'll never be able to beat them". Again, the pressures people feel from this type of self-help are intertwined with this whole narrative that success in life is correlated to maximized output and beating the competition, which, as we've grown up hearing, is done by "working harder than everyone else".
Needless to say, this productivity obsessed mindset becomes very toxic for most people (why most call it "toxic productivity"), as many go against our passions and desire to enjoy life to attempt to achieve this intensive capitalistic definition of 'success', which for the most part (in my opinion), is definitely not the definition of a truly successful *life*.
For me, I've come to realize (through wonderful voices like Nathaniel and Shayna (the Purple Palace, love her)), that we don't actually have to *make* ourselves successful- we don't need to 'complete' anything to have a successful life. Like simplifying equations in math, when you simplify life and all it's activities, the most basic thing we *have* to do is exist- this sounds stupid, but it's the most universal condition of living, no matter where you are in the world. Therefore, we are already enough for simply existing, and doing so "successfully" would mean enjoying the experience of life in a sustainable, positive manner that doesn't inflict harm to others. That's my definition of success, as it's applicable to everyone, something that the capitalistic definition isn't. When I first started making sense of this idea in high school, I remember thinking, "I won't be good enough unless I get 100 in this class. But then, would that make all my peers who don't achieve that failures?" It was a simple analogy that really made me realize that true success has to be defined universally. In this example, it would be reframing academic success to be the fact that you learned something/increased your own capabilities, rather than achieving this arbitrary standard of a high grade. This makes it reasonable and achievable for everyone, since everyone can learn something, but not everyone is presented with the right factors to be able to achieve 100%. Now applied to life, not everyone is presented with the right factors, internally and externally, to become rich, famous, achieve a high-ranking job, etc. So how could life success be defined by metrics like these when not everyone begins on the same playing field to begin to work towards them? When I realized how exclusive of a definition this was, I began to realize it couldn't possibly be the right one. So tying it back to the self-help part of this, an ideology that tells you to optimize your life specifically for a definition of success that is ultimately flawed must also be flawed in nature.
Working hard and being productive isn't the problem, it's the motive you have behind them. If the motive is out of passion and joy, productivity is great, as you're exercising that passion through efficiently completing that activity. But if it's through pressure to achieve this subjective, monetary definition of success (which isn't even achievable for everyone), it becomes strenuous and very unenjoyable.
OH boY I did not mean to write a whole essay, my apologies for such a long comment haha~ But I hope my ideas translated. Nathaniel, if you ever read this, I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your more recent sentiments about this topic. The content you've created since you've transitioned from productivity to these ideas of living presently has resonated with me so much, and surely many others as well. I'm very excited and looking forwards to see more of your wonderful work.
I really enjoyed reading this! I think the education system here in the uk really doesn't help, after all life is about enjoying being alive, as little children if we are born into a good situation, we understood that from the beginning, but school should be about learning how to work together and arrange things so we can keep on doing that and help others to do the same, what else really matters? But instead a lot of it is about personal success and getting ahead, we were taught to be selfish and paranoid in a way. The way the marking system works here, there's always going to be a proportion of people who fail, no matter how hard everyone works. That is so screwed up. The most important thing human beings can do now is learn to co-operate, and have fun doing it!
Thanks!
Isn’t it funny how for a lot of us: Tony Robbins is our gateway drug to the self help world full of fake gurus? Now I admire Spencer Cornelia even more.
I love this community you’ve made. Just a bunch of people trying to get through life the best they can.
curiosityyyy - let's get matching tattoos.
WoW it's like you are articulating everything that was in my mind toward my own "self help" journey: i'm not longer trying to fix myself. BRAVO
This dude is straight up gaslighting self help into thinking THEY’RE the crazy manipulative one in the relationship:
You MADE me set too high expectations
You MADE me do these habits that I don’t actually like
You MADE me stress more about stuff
You MADE me disregard other areas of my life
They’re books dude.
Take some accountability.
I second this, im actually very confused about this Video and how confident he tells what he believes while also beeing totally blindsided to his part in this mess of a conclusion.
@@DrageDragonfly THANK YOU! You are the first person to acknowledge the lack of accountability present in the way he portrays the series of events
I find it interesting that the video itself sounds quite self help ish too
another amazing video dude. having a routine is great, but personally I find more and more it becomes the distraction.
This video brought tears to my eyes because it spoke to the core of me! I want to live each day as it comes and experience the entirety of the moment. I want to be what and who I am…. Free!
Thank you for connecting with where I am in this moment of life.