How to Socially Accommodate Autistic Individuals
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 10 ก.พ. 2025
- In this video I'm sharing 16 ways to approach conversations with neurodivergent individuals to foster safe, validating spaces. 👇 Scroll down for timestamps if you'd like to jump to a specific section.
This video is a response to "46 Phrases that Upset Autistic Brains": • 46 Phrases That Upset ...
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DISCLAIMER: Taylor Heaton is not a licensed psychologist or specialist healthcare professional. Her services do not replace the care of psychologists or other healthcare professionals. Please note that Taylor can’t take any responsibility for the results of your actions, nor any harm or damage you suffer as a result of the use, or non-use of the information available through her website, TH-cam Channel, or social media accounts. Please use judgment and conduct due diligence before taking any action or implementing any plan or practice suggested or recommended by Taylor Heaton or Mom on the Spectrum. Please note that Taylor doesn't make any guarantees about the results of the information you may apply from her website, TH-cam channel, and/or social media accounts. Taylor shares educational and informational resources that are intended to help you succeed in navigating life as an autistic adult. You nevertheless need to know that your outcome will be the result of your own efforts, your particular situation, and innumerable other circumstances beyond Taylor's knowledge and control. Taylor is an Amazon affiliate and may receive commissions on qualifying purchases from affiliate links. Taylor is a Flare affiliate and may receive commissions on qualifying purchases from Flare links.
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Timestamps
0:48 Attune to the situation
1:58 Be clear about the reason behind your questions
2:15 Realize you are probably interrupting an intense stream of consciousness
4:19 Understand it’s difficult to toggle back and forth between interacting socially and retrieving information
5:29 Provide context
6:26 Be specific about information you’d like to know
7:03 Avoid absolutes
8:05 Give us time and space to answer
9:23 Understand we put a lot of time into what we do and why we think what we think
9:36 Don’t make empty promises
10:14 Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to
11:09 Offer choices when possible
11:24 Avoid commenting on our appearance or our behaviors
12:11 Don’t assume laziness, incompetence or indifference
12:59 Get curious about why we process information the way we do
13:39 Understand the neurotypical communication is not “the right” way to communicate
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It took me years to realize that often people were just trying to be friendly rather than actually wanting to hear a detailed relevant answer. These days I 've learned to respond to questions like "what's your favorite TV show" with something like "Star Trek. Any other choice would be illogical" which usually gets either a blank stare or a laugh.
🖖I find many people have the intention of being polite without the intention of being friend-ly. That took me years to figure out.
Great reply with Star Trek.
I look them deep into the eyes and tell them what I perceive rather then even humour the projection which can only result in the internalization of their discomfort as their perception of me caused their discomfort which provoked the action from a position of self gratification.
Most often;
“You are fake”
“Wouldn’t you like to know”
“You don’t actually want to know”
“Your tone and presence is confusing”
“I am not your source of gratification”
I have not met anyone whom asks “how are you” with genuine intent to listen even if not intending to do anything about it, they simply ask to make themselves feel better. However when I ask I genuinely want to know and try help.
Therefore I don’t ask anymore.
You eventually learn a lot of social skills by trial and error, but it takes some time to do it.
I appreciate your humour.😛
I actually had a junior college administrator tell me that "why?" is a "childish question!"
To me "Why?" is the essential question!
Wow. Why is such an important question! 🤯
@@MomontheSpectrum Unless you're ignostic.
"Why ask why? Try Bud Dry."
@barbaravieira2239 - I think you're seriously misrepresenting what happened:
An admin would only comment about the "why" being childish because you would have already exasperated them with SEVERAL (echolalic) "WHY" contentiousness. When they've already given you a reasonable answer which you counter repeatedly with "why" without attempting to understand the previous, you WOULD BE CHILDISH.
THIS is 1 of the ways autistics infantilise themselves. It's not at all the NTs doing it to you: you're doing it to yourself!
It should be too embarrassing, but clearly not... :(
6 days ago
I actually had a junior college administrator tell me that "why?" is a "childish question!"
To me "Why?" is the essential question!
Why not?
Did you ask them why they think why is a childish question? 😊
So much of what we autistics experience can be understood through the lens of "inertia": Hyperfixation is our natural state because we are so *fully present* in the moment; while neurotypically that may seem like we're checked-out, in our neurodivergent experience we're deeply immersed in whatever our current focus is. It's autistic immersia, not inertia. 😊
Yes! 🙌🏻
Mental inertia, I feel that.
Wow that’s an incredible way to look at it
"How are you?" Is the bane of my existence. I worked with someone who would ask, "What's going on?" as a greeting. I felt put on the spot to tell her something that was actually happening. It took me a LONG time to realize it was how she says "Hi" and she didn't want an answer.
When I actually want to know how someone is, I ask "How's your day going so far?" and they almost always give me a real answer. You can tell it's real when they stop and think before they say anything 😊
Love this insight! And that makes total sense with how you were trying to answer the question "what's going on?" Why would anyone phrase it that way? 🤔 Hope you're doing well Jill!!
When hit with the "How are you?" question, my go to response is "moderately shabby". I quickly get to know if the person is listening or not :) Oftentimes you will see the person stop a couple of sentences later with a confused look on their face as they finally process my response.
@@andrewwitton8038 My grandfather would answer "How are you?" by saying, "Mean, miserable and rotten." It always got a laugh. I may have to try "moderately shabby" and see what reactions I get 😁
One reasonably common Latin American response to "How are you?" is "En la lucha" (in the fight). And I kinda like that more than the expectation in US of: "Fine, and you?" Because every day has challenges, and maybe you're winning the fight and maybe you're losing, but it's sort of cathartic to acknowledge to someone else that the fight exists!
Answer “good” or “fine” to “What’s going on?”
"Information retrieval" mode is like asking me (mid-conversation) to go up to the attic and get those boxes of "information" down. In your mental environment, you might store your information boxes on the top-shelf of your kitchen cabinet; however, I keep mine in the attic.
🙌🏻
@@thecatblaster5181 or sometimes off planet in my case, the storage facilities on earth have exceeded capacity with my 'reports' 😅
This 🙌
Using throw away comments has caused so many problems for me in the past. Do not say it if you don’t mean it. Yes!!!
They get stuck in my brain and then I start overanalyzing to determine if they really meant anything.
Or even when it’s not exactly a throwaway comment because they do actually think they’d want to meet up for such-and-such, but then they make no effort to plan it, and they repeatedly fail to show up when I try to plan it… I lose so much trust in people when they say a social event is going to happen and it never happens 😕
Over time. I learned to talk to co-workers directly. Limit their respond/answer. Yes or no. Because that's how I want/need to be communicated through.
Not when are going to lunch. But... Would 3pm be a good time for lunch . This is a yes or no answer.
Yes! Contextless questions can make us feel like we're dumb. 'Cause, despite our maelstrom of swirling cogitation, inner imaging and correspondence-making, to a contextless question we come up with a blank, which makes us feel humiliatingly inadequate. "What was that book about?" is exactly that kind of moment. "Oh God. I read this book, it left me with a world of impressions, feelings, discoveries, you might even say flavors and aromas, and this person is asking me what the book's 'about' and...I have NO idea how to answer that question!" It's just the worst, loneliest, floundering, humiliating feeling. Of course, you mask through it, you scramble to come up with something immediate and shallow, but your gut doesn't let you off the hook, it tells you you're being a phoney again.
I 100% relate to having a hard time switching between social mode and information retrieving mode. That also makes it hard to think of a question to ask the other person in return and leads to feeling like I'm being interrogated (and the other person probably thinks I'm not interested since I'm not asking them questions in return) even though that's not the intent!
Yes! Definitely makes it harder to ask a question as well. Glad you brought this up.
Another one that I would add is, be willing to accept "I don't know" or "I don't care" as an answer. I promise I'm not being snarky when I respond like that, it's the genuine truth! Sometimes I say that because I'm having trouble defining what I want, but sometimes I really don't have any opinion, and I'm not just going to pick something at random if I don't have an actual preference.
This is a big one for me.
I feel like I am being picked on, whenever I respond that way, and someone accuses me of being a jerk or mean. Then I feel I have to defend myself, and I hate that.
And I just don't have the capacity to make up a different response.
I have a hard time with this, too. And sometimes when I'm on overload I don't WANT to know or care. It's too much in the moment. Then when someone gets upset by that answer, it adds to the overload.
maybe you could try using "I dont mind" instead of "I dont care"?
"hey what do you want to eat?"
"I dont mind, you pick"
(not me resisting the urge to reference the "THE SOULS OF THE INNOCENT- a bagel" meme lol-)
@@Panda_Brawler "hey what do you want to eat?"
"I don't mind, you pick" Is the beginning of some of the most heated arguments, I have ever had with my ex girlfriends.
"I don't mind, you choose" "No I don't want to choose, you choose" "whatever you want is fine with me" "ok lets go to XYX restaurant" "no, I don't want to go there, we went there recently" "ok, how about ABC restaurant?" "no, I'm not in the mood for that" "well how about QRS restaurant then?" "ok whatever".
Then we get to the restraunt, and the complaining starts 😖🔥
Tbh I'm pretty sure picking what you're gonna eat can get exhausting for anybody. It's a chore day in and day out. Asking someone to pick is asking them to do that labor for you. Btw save yourself the headache and meal plan.
Making communication adjustments for Autistic people tends to improve communication for everyone and helps to avoid misunderstandings. I'm Autistic and I'm also the co-chair of a Diversity Advisory Committee at my work and we have been focusing a fair bit on neurodiversity and this is one of our lessons learned. The adjustments that Autistic people need tend to be beneficial for others too.
Thank you for sharing this!
I worked with a guy over 20 years ago and we shared a small office. He was senior to me so I looked to him for answers and respected his seniority. I would, however, get annoyed when he would turn around and immediately just start talking to me when I was deep in thought about what I was doing. I spoke to him about it and he changed his method to turning around and asking me if I was “ready for input? “. It sounds kind of facetious, but it made all the difference in the world and I appreciate it immensely. Switching from one thought process to another is just way too much for me.
I’m glad you made this as a follow up to your other video. Something I use with neurodivergent friends when asking questions is to contextualise. Phrases like “This is an information-seeking question only” can help reduce overwhelm (obviously do NOT use this phrase if you have an unvoiced agenda). If you do have an agenda, voice it first. “I’m thinking about how you hate airports…” Another example: “Related to your health, how are you feeling today?” Having context can help so much.
Thanks for sharing this! Very helpful.
I always voice my agenda. People get weirded out by it.
Interestingly (perhaps), this is (kind of) the structure of a typical Japanese sentence (of the textbook variety). Basically, it's quite common to frame a sentence or clause by specifying what it is you're talking about using the "topic marker" は. You can even use nested iterations to progressively narrow down the focus. Given that Japanese is famously a "high-context" language, that might be quite surprising.
This is exactly what I do when I can't use tone indicators and I want to clarify my tone. For example, instead of doing a sarcastic voice and hoping people catch on, I say "Sarcastically, that sounds delightful." It sounds natural, it doesn't torture my friends, and it helps me be much more understood.
I'd love to just be asked questions that express a genuine interest in my reply, and give me a chance to answer. There's nothing more frustrating for me than being pressured to get to the point, rushed to explain because the other person is not listening properly. And the absolute WORST is when I'm shut down with the declaration 'i understand you', when it is clear to me that they don't understand what I'm trying to convey, because they are too impatient to give me a chance to express myself. I KNOW when I'm being misinterpreted, but it's worse when I have to keep arguing for claritys sake.
People assume they know me, but they don't. They only know whatever version of me that suits them, expecting me to keep wearing the masks that benefit them. Its soul destroying and utterly exhausting, just to find the energy needed to navigate the most basic human interactions with people who don't respect me or what I might have to offer. Its too much of an effort, so its all left to me.
Absolutely, I understand that many in our community need these accommodations. However, we can't always expect others to make these adjustments for us, especially in high-paced work environments where it's challenging to request them. As a high-masking, high-functioning autistic individual, I've noticed that when people work closely with you over time, they often start making these adjustments naturally, without even realizing it.
really good question: "what are SOME of your favorite movies?" that way people dont have to create a ranking system that includes everything worth mentioning about movies within one conversation beat.
This is a great compilation. Thank you so much. I’ve really been thinking about something lately: what would I do with all that time and energy if I quit masking and didn’t have to consider things so thoroughly?
I might have time to hold a job, and energy to socialize, and reach other milestones.
I didn’t realize the extreme burden until I had a child in the hospital with cancer. What amazes me, is everyone kept saying, “You’re doing so well. This is a LOT of stress.”
All I could think was, “This is absolutely horrible, but what are you talking about? Stress compared to what? We have a thing that absolutely must be done: care for the child. It’s hard and I’m in near constant meltdown. Ok. How is this different from any other day of my life? I have a max threshold of emotional stamina before I quit functioning well. I can reach a certain level before I shut down. Then I will do one action at a time, the best I can. I have to. Nothing else matters.”
What struck me… was how much I felt so insulted by it. I heard, “You aren’t in any emotional turmoil at all! How odd.. that’s your daughter.” (You know, because they had no problem pointing out how “weird” I was being.) I was mid-meltdown most times I heard it, and it just pushed me into shutdown.
Asking the neurotypical community to do what we do (overanalyzing and consciously regulating emotions,) is like asking them to do something impossible… watch their child dying and acting like they are ok.
My give a darn has officially broken. I don’t really care who I offend. They don’t care how offensive they are while my child was literally dying. I don’t care at all what they think.
And if they interrupt my train of thought, I’m gonna say so, because interrupting someone’s train of thought is absolutely rude. They can figure that out the way we have figured them out.
everything is an interruption! if folx only knew how dang patient i am. i love the questions - can i ask you a question? do you have a minute for something? can i talk about (insert stuff) for a moment? i LOVE being asked if its okay. the consent is huge to me! specially as an auti who grew up as everyone's therapist. ask me. please. it really means a lot to me.
Oh wow.
That whole "its hard switching back and forth" thing was SPOT. ON.
Well said.
When my boyfriend wants my attention he clears his throat, so I know it's time to give him attention rather than sit in my own world.That's actually helpful. Also I'm better at communicating through written media, so we often exchange texts , cards, post its, letters sometimes and loooooon emails. I love this, I am not distracted by other stimuli whenever I'm writing.
I love to hear the ways you’ve learned to accommodate yourself within the relationship!
I love this video! This is maybe the absolute best I've seen since I was diagnosed 2 years ago. You describe things / processes I haven't seen addressed anywhere else, and I've been watching for 2 years (I'm 71 now). Thank you for stating it so clearly.
100% especially toggling between flex and safe, people tells me I just froze, left my terrestrial form and seemed to be elsewhere, while I believe I answered immediately.
I have an anxiety disorder and can have freeze moments like that. One time it was so bad that a professor that I thought had thought of me favorably was so off put by my freezing that I sensed a disapproving tension from her for the remainder of my education towards a degree.
I am not diagnosed, but I've never felt more seen!
Also popping in to say context is key!!!!! Must have context otherwise I will give an incomplete or inaccurate answer and I hate that 😂 And yes my responses will be long because I will provide the context. I truly don’t understand not wanting or needing to know the surrounding circumstances d
Right? It doesn't make sense to me that others can just absorb new information without having a framework in their brain to store it.
Also context in form of tone - makes a big difference in whether I see something as demanding or a threat, or as a calm genuine question to help them better understand. Often to the extremes - have to say something super gently or my brain will interpret it as otherwise......
I’m not diagnosed, but I identify with 90% of things autistic ppl share. My last boss was incredibly frenetic and fast paced. He bulleted questions out constantly and when I couldn’t process and reply IMMEDIATELY he acted like I was absolutely stupid. Which of course got me more scrambled and flustered.
Before the diagnosis I would get incredibly angry when someone needed to interrupt me while I was in my headspace. I pretty much do the same thing as Taylor. My brain is always busy working out solutions to problems or designing something new. After such an interruption it’s so hard to get back to the headspace because now I’m processing a conversation.
@Momonthespetrum NP I’ve send you a message elsewhere.
It's good to know that there are allistas that want to know how to better communicate with us.
My first time making a comment like this on your channel. But I just have to. Your outfit is wonderful. The pink, white and blue whoosh me back to a beautiful childhood space.
Love the fact that you’ve said “ 8:09 gotta go into brain and peruse a little bit” - so relate 💞👊
Yes! Switching modes is hard! When I've taught friends I've had to let them know that if we socialize after the business talk has to come before social talk and they can't mix.
I am ASD and ADHD , so my triggers are many and varied. I am unmedicated now except for Cannabis but spent many years with a variety of meds, while somehow managing to stay employed as an Art Director . That let me fly under the radar a bit as there is always a perception of creative people as being a bit weird and the gig nature of the business accomodated the ebb and flow of my sanity somewhat. All this to make the comment that I so wished for people to understand triggers and meltdowns and how hard it was to break the intertia I had to struggle with. No one ever did. I doubt if they ever will, the world is what it always was and it never took notice of any of my problems, or cared. I appreciate the effort and with the good will of the community around you I hope we can get such acceptance , but I am not hopeful.
There are times I really wish I could heart emote rather than thumbs-up videos because they just mean so much more. This is one of those videos. Thank you for helping put into words some of these needs and experiences I struggle with as an almost 40yr old woman, just now learning about her neurodivergent identity.
I trained myself to give a BS yet truthful answer to "how are you" that makes the person asking take a step back if they're paying attention: "vertical". Not lying, being a lit literal, but also not falling into the trap of actually responding when they are just doing the "polite program setting" they have.
My grandmother was known to say "ornery as usual!" With a cute grandma smile, of course. Usually caused laughter and moving on to a different topic very quickly.
Such amazing content! #13 - “Observer Mode”! Yes! I’ve been stuck there MANY times!!!
Thanks, Taylor. So useful, and I love the language tools here. "Levels, Jerry! Levels!" Perfection. I have an area of interest I would like to hear your thoughts on, or your community's thoughts. How can we accommodate neurotypicals whilst NOT damaging ourselves? When is this a good idea and supportive of good relationship building? Many of us have learnt harmful ways to accommodate others, so I am very keen to hear your considered thoughts on healthy and nourishing accommodations.
I need to listen to this on repeat
If more people did what you suggest, no matter who they are interacting with, the world would be a much better place for everyone
I am the father of an autistic daughter, and have agonised over how to give her the support she needs.
Thank you so much
Card catalog…one of the most fun things ever to just let your brain wander through! Fun to see how the next card or a previous card was connected… sometimes not efficient …but fun to explore 😂
Theres a definite difference between how my memory works when in social settings vs at the workplace or professional environments when I need to bring out info. I know I absolutely know it, even an expert on it in some cases, but its going to take some time and guiding my mind to trigger that set of associated memories. A lot of times I can get away with "oh, thats a completely different person" with those close to me and they laugh, think about it for a second to see if Im joking, then form their opinion and move on. Its helped but not sustainable, especially with strangers or at the workplace.
Questions without context, drive me crazy. As if I could read their mind, and know what their question is in regard to. Like is is time yet? and I respond "time for what?".
Automatic answet to questions without context is "It depends"
TY, you have one of the better explanations of context. I ran across a huge context discussion by lots of Autistic people awhile ago on a board. It's a huge thing ! Autistic people get into lots of trouble in Neurotypical designed courts and agencies because of this. Autistics need to give and receive context. But Neurotypicals designed their court and agency rules to eliminate context ("short and plain statement") and impose punishments on Autistic people for writing too much info when we give context. At the same time, ALL and I mean ALL of the so-called "due process" Notices Autistic people get from these courts and agencies don't actually give us Notice because the Notices are far to brief and eliminate context, so Autistic people can't get Notice without the context being provided and don't know what's going on or what to do.
"How are you?" OMG yes 😅
This is so hard for me, even 5 years ago I couldnt handle the question! I will go on a complicated explanation of the days events and how i feel thay toook 3-5 minutes. And at the end i say something like.
" And yeah, so you know you didnt really want that detailed answer, so yes im fine"
I'm actually mid assessment atm, but when i hear thing like this I really identify with the autistic community!
I'm 44 and i've spent so long trying to understand why I'm so different from other people and why i find them so hard... It's such a relief to finally have an answer!
The "how are you?" This always bugged me because I knew they weren't really interested and some who asked that I wasn't close to, I would assume they wanted info so they could gossip about me. The "lets get coffee or whatever sometime" I automatically see that as fake or something people say to end a conversation.
The other one I dislike is "I like your...." Customarily you are supported to complement them as well. When I was younger I would quickly scan the person I'd run into just so that there was something I could complement them on just in case they complemented me. After some years, I gave up. If i didn't see anything that stood out I'd thank them for their complement and move on into the "How are you?" LOL! Some seemed butt hurt but I don't have time for this nonsense. If you want a complement, look in the mirror instead of fishing for someone to complement you. you know?
I love this. My husband still struggles to recognize my autism and often gets offended or mad when he asks a question or interrupts me, and I have a hard time answering basic questions. Or sometimes, I roll my eyes while I am looking for the answer in my brain. It’s so refreshing to hear my experience being validated.
i love what you said about the index cards with the information in the brains like in old libraries! i am a librarian and it is kind of my special interest how catalogues work (old index card or new ones on the computer) 😍
I just came across your channel when this video was recommended to me. I have a 23 year old autistic son and I'm always trying to figure out better ways to communicate with him. I loved this video and subscribed almost immediately. Thank you so much for your insight.
🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼 so glad you’re here! Welcome to the channel
Oh! 📚🗄 I loved the physicality of those old card catalogs at libraries! 😄 The solidity, the texture, the movement, the sound. 🥰
I know! There’s nothing else like it. So calming
I remember those
Whenever someone asks me "how are you?" I tend to go on autopilot and almost always answer "Fine, how are you," and then go into a spiral of oh that wasn't the truth, but it's not like they care or it matters anyways, etc. etc. etc. Does anyone else feel this way?
Yes!! That’s what I do too
@@MomontheSpectrum 🥹💖
Yes. Always. 😅
I think I have a non-typical reaction to the question, how are you? I don't like the question when I'm
working or busy with something important. I hear it very literally even though it just means hello, and I almost never ask the question back, because I find it
out of place. I tested neuro typical, but I dis-like things out of context
where my brain has to fill in the blank. I also feel timing pressures.
I'm o.k. with silences. I get deep into thought , but for me it might all be due to a head injury I had decades ago, and being introverted. I function but many people do seem odd and insincere to me at times, and I want to answer them bluntly. I guess I land somewhere in between. As a dominant sensor (Meyers Briggs personalities reference) I can overload on sensation so I have at least a reference point to comprehend some of what autistic experience MIGHT be. the gap in understanding described here seems pretty wide. People need the kindness and goodness, and non-judgementalness, and patience that
I believe only faith in God can provide. Prayer is My best tool to cope. I hope my comment doesn't offend anyone with autism. Also I have tested borderline when it comes to coping mechanisms like stimming and masking. For me it is a trauma response.
Typicals feel pushy and aggressive, or pssive aggressive an manipultive and I just cant stand being around those types anymore. 54 yrs late diagnosis... I'm just done lowering my standards to put up with their disrespect. CPTSD because of the bullying and narc family and workplace scapegoating. They no longer deserve my thoughts, since they weaponized it against my friends.
Thank you Taylor. ❤
This is so helpful. I recently had to break up with a speech therapist because the sessions were just a never-ending stream of questions, and by the end of the sessions, my daughter was so completely overwhelmed by all the questions that she couldnt focus on any of the speech strategies.
I wish more people understood how complex and difficult a "simple" question like, "what's your favourite subject in school?" or "What is your dream vacation?" can really be.
Yes!! Please don't waste our brain power on answering unimportant, unnecessary questions! 😩 It's exhausting.
this all makes sense to me.
re: question specificity:
people ask me questions without being specific enough for me to provide a concise answer, and people who don't know me think i'm the idiot because i can't answer their question. it's not because i don't know the answer, it's because know multiple answers, and i don't know which answer you are looking for. how could i possibly know? i don't read minds, bruh.
re: multiple questions:
the worst case was a manager that asked us in the room (i'm not exaggerating here) SIX questions in one breath, with ORs between them. fortunately, each question just happened to be answerable precisely so i cached the answers to each, anchoring 5 of them to the digits on one hand, and when he finished asking his questions, i answered them in order: "yes", "no", "tomorrow", "4 maximum", "me", "never".
seriously, what the hell kind of answer was he expecting? if someone responded with just one answer, would he even know which of his questions was being answered?
of course not. he was the idiot, but guess who looked like a freak after i answered the questions?
I have noticed in life people expect instant answer when asked a question. Give us time to reply back with a proper answer with comfort
Yes it takes us longer to process information we have a larger hard drive than most people and we don’t neural prune
Mostly when I notice that somebody is pushing for an answer every time (ones or twice is normal, we don't always have time), I tell them to take their time and relax a bit, maybe ones or twice, if that doesn't help, I'll just not listen anymore and let them go overboard with talking, if they get angry..., every answer will be NO and I will repeat that! This will stress me out afterwards, but usually it takes one time, they won't do it again soon.
Man, I don't think I've ever resonated so hard with a video. Every single one of these things was spot on. So glad you made this video so I can share it with those who want to understand more about autism and how better to accommodate us.
"Levels Jerry, Levels" 😆
Good information, Thank You!
Just had this experience with the school with one of my autistic kids. They said that he would not answer when asked how he feels when they perceive him as being frustrated with a task. I told them that even I would not be able to answer that if I was visibly frustrated. Afterwards I was wondering, how they even thought such a question would be helpful in the first place.
Alexithemia is common for us we struggle with identifying our own emotions
A little intro here. I have interests in MBTI inventory from years, but in the past few weeks, just after my 30th birthday I realize wow, it was way more than that for me all the time so it's kind of a personal transformation right now for me. One of the things that makes me feel really awkward is when the other person keeps holding on to some as I call it familiar kindness. That makes me feel like that person is way more a wall in front of me, than a person who actually wants to tell me something meaningful.
Thank you so much for videos like this. It helps so much in building a better relationship with my child ❤
WOW difficulty switching between social and information mode makes so much sense. And yes please don’t make throw away comments. They’re tormenting.
Hi Taylor, another amazing video! I have a 14 year old nephew and I have sort of taken him under my wing. His mother was telling me that he gets angry often and she didn’t know why. I ask if I could have him for a day because I knew why. I asked him if he wanted to talk about Autism and he said yes. As we talked I asked of he got angry because he was being interrupted from what ever he was doing. I explained to him that it is jarring for me when someone just asks a question out of the blue. I am just like you as my brain is constantly going that even while I am just sitting there I am deep in thought. It is the same for him. I gave his mother the info and things are better for him and her at home. Have you missed my overly long responses😂? Anyway, you are souring and I still love all of your content!
This is a great list! 95% of these are really helpful for ADHD too. I am constantly amazed by how much intersectionality and shared experiences there are between all the different "flavors" of neurospicy despite some really stark differences. Video's like this help make me feel seen despite the fact that I do not identify as autistic (but I am EXTREMELY ADHD), and better equips me to make those around me who do identify as autistic more comfortable. Great work, thank you!
Thank you for this, I feel so validated right now. 😭 ❤
I’m so glad! Thank you for your comment.
“How are you?” is a ping to see if you are responsive and to check how people should approach you. It really helps to understand what people mean and take it for what it is… I no longer get offended when I get asked how I am doing, because I immediately translate it for myself now in computer terms - it is like you are a server they rely on to take a message and they just check if you are ready to receive. Hence it is more of a yeah/no type of question - they just want to know ifyou are fine to receive or not fine. They never ask for a “how” type of response, really 🤓
Thank you for this video. It is a relief to hear these pointers. I’ve saved it so I can go back and review all the 16 points. I feel it is going to make a big difference in my household.
How do I even ask people or explain what I need? That’s terrifying 😮
This channel is a godsend and I turn to it whenever I feel frustrated and alone to remind myself that I’m not.
Thank you 🙏🏻
Wonder if anyone else experiences this one.
There is someone in my life, that I need to deal with daily.
They ask me to perform a task, then while I'm concentrating on this task, they ask an unrelated question.
It breaks my brain, to interrupt an unfinished task, to start a new one, and be expected to accomplishing the first task simultaneously. I just can't change lanes like that, without getting frustrated.
I understand, that this person gets board, while waiting on me, and has a hard time staying focused, and that they are used to saying whatever pops into their mind, but it is really hard for me to handle.
When I respond with "please don't interrupt me" or "Which task/question do you want me to focus on, because I can't do both", they get offended and criticize my reaction.
Very frustrating!!! 😖
I just can’t tell you how timely this video is for me.
Thank you, dear heart, for going into the intricacies of communication differences for us.
I ran to my husband to explain why I’m getting so frustrated!
Number one, I won’t be as frustrated now that I know what’s happening ,thanks to you.
#2 I now know , I’m not losing my mind :-)
This resonated with me so much !!
This is making me think about both me and my spouse being neurodivergent but asking each other questions the way we learned from others. The last few years we’ve been working on how to better communicate and ask questions because we didn’t learn to understand our own brains until our 30s/40s.
All of these are so accurate!
It's really cool the concept of gearing between the spaces. I also use it for myself, but never for social/deep thinking modes. But it is a huge issue.
"Levels, Jerry, levels..." 😂😂🤣 One of my comfort shows!
Oh, number 4 and 8 combined! In a conversation I may give you an "expected" answer. (I often know what society expects me to answer on most questions.) A safe script, but it may not be my true thoughts. Those come when I feel safe and are given time to find the words.
A very nuanced and informative way of putting it.
Awesome video, thanks a lot Taylor. As a recently, late diagnosed, ASD, this was eye opening... Many things clicked in. And it's a great resource to share with my significant other, she's ADHD and finds it quite challenging to understand my communication and interaction needs. Her ADHD brain jumps through multiple conversion points each minute, asks many questions she doesn't expect answers to, and when she does expect an answer and doesn't get it immediately just walks away. I've shared the video with her.
Thanks
Thank you so much!
Had a good giggle at “Levels, Jerry, Levels!” Thank you for this and the video that this came from, it really puts into better words some of the things that frustrate me. ♥️
I learned to answer the "How are you?" question with "I'm alive." That way I don't have to say I'm fine if I'm not and people don't get offended if it was meant as "social phrase" instead of a genuine question.
I'm stealing this one, and I hope we all feel alive from now on
Hi Taylor your doing amazing with your channel. Go girl
Thanks so much for this video, and I'm definitely off to watch a few more. I think your videos will prove to be a godsend for me.
I've recently discovered your channel and this is so, so eye opening. My partner is undiagnosed/unconfirmed but she shows some autistic traits and good lord, a lot of what I'm seeing in this video and in the comments seem to fit her super well. I'm not great at asking questions or asking questions in a way she understands, and especially in being fully present in the moment (adhd-inattentive myself, recently been diagnosed and I'm working through that lol) and she gets so frustrated sometimes, and I do struggle at times to understand why she feels so strongly about certain topics or phrasings. She is so in tune with me and my brain, and I really want to do the same for her.
The partner knocking on a surface to get the autistic person's attention is an interesting one. Especially at work, if someone seems immersed in what they are doing, I will say "Knock, knock," generally quite quietly, as that tends to be how I speak under normal circumstances. To me it seems like a nice gentle way of letting people know that you are there and that you want to talk about something.
"…sitting there looking like I've lost power to the mainframe." OMG! Literally bust a gut laughing at that one. So much me when I don't mask over it.
I relate a lot to what you were saying about information retrieval and socializing at the same time, it comes up for me at work every day. If a lot of information needs to be faithfully transmitted, I always prefer to do it by email, so that everything is in writing, but one of my bosses won`t read emails, and another one won`t write emails! The first one is obviously super annoying and will ask me to verbally re-tell him what I already wrote, plainly admitting that he just didnt read it. The second one, thankfully, always reads what I say very attentively, but will reply to an email with a phone call while I am busy doing other things, even if I can step away to talk to him I always end the call like "what the hell did he even just say, am I supposed to remember any of that". Both of them love to try try and strike up a chat about something while I am actively operating a big complicated machine, and if I say hey, can you wait 30 seconds, 30 seconds later they have wandered off. If its social stuff, I don`t mind as much, because if they want to tell me about their personal lives, its not my responsibility to manage whether or not they can communicate effectively, I don`t need to remember their kid`s birthday. I do, however, need to remember pertinent info about the task at hand, and if they ask me a direct question, I dont want to realize afterward that I just hit them with a small-talk "yeah ok ha-ha" and misrepresented myself.
Omg this is why I struggled with specificity in college. Open ended questions killed me. My professor was always saying things like, *clarity*, *make it smaller*, "you know you're not writing a thesis statement right?"
In elementary school I was asked to do a report on Taiwan.
I asked my teacher what she wanted and she said " everything you can tell me"... This was fourth grade...
She stopped me after 30 minutes and I wasn't even halfway through.
I think it was supposed to be like 5 minutes. But she said everything. So that's what I brought her 🤷
My mom always laughs when she tells that story but looking back now it makes me really sad.
I'm 42. I was 9 and no one thought that was odd??? And that's just one thing.
I completely relate to what you said
About the intro, of course people don't HAVE to word things better. But if those people WANT me to like them or experience less stress around/from them, then they do HAVE to. Why be mad? If you don't want to accommodate us just admit we are not as important to you as your own routines and preferences. It's that simple. No one's going to mad at you like you get mad about us. 🙄
"In which context this is true..." Mercy, been trying to get people to give those qualifying parameters since... 1960! AND I think I'll work to quit thinking that I over think: I analyze exhaustively!
I hate being questioned, especially when the asker must already know the answer.
The question i hate the most is when someone asks me how I am. I hate that.
I hate watching these but someone else answering things to look out for helps alot.
Thank you for sharing this info 👍
In trying to explain that gear shifting concept to my wife, I basically explained to her that my attention and focus is for lack of a better term, sticky. So if I can gently pry myself away from what's on my mind, things are fine. But If I have to abruptly shift, part of me is staying stuck to whatever it was, and not only is that kind of painful, it keeps me preoccupied and unable to give my full attention to the new thing.
excellent as always! Thanks for articulating what it's like in our heads.
The knowing about interrupting the stream of consciousness and knocking on a surface helps me (autistic) to understand and improve my communication with both NT and ND
My daughter has just been diagnosed with dpa autìsm and ADHD. I sent my wife a link to this video. She asked me for a summary. Aaargh!
Having both is a roller coaster but early diagnosis and proper support makes a huge difference I have a dual diagnosis too didn’t get the ASD one until age 23 and the combined ADHD at age 42 I’m 43 now
Newly diagnosed here…. Holy moly this resonates with me 😳 thank you so much for this great video, just subscribed!
This is brilliant 🤩- thanks!!!! So helpful re self-understanding & clear ways to explain to others……..❤
Basically any family member or spouse that I’ve encountered from the time I was aware of ADHD and autism on the spectrum. I’ve been told to be quiet. We don’t want to hear about it.
When you were talking about taking time to switch modes of thinking, I was pretty absorbed in your video, but then an ad popped up interrupting my train of thought; I found it quite jarring and annoying. It got me thinking about how, at least to me, unfriendly ads and commercials are, and as I know they are necessary for content creators to make money, and TV and radio stations to pay for their services, what would be a neudodivergent friendly way to display ads? Maybe like how ads are displayed in smartphone apps with a little bar down at the bottom? I hate those too by-the-way.
This is a great question. Thanks for bringing it to my attention.
I died laughing at "Don't ask a question you don't want the answer to" --- that is so me. If you ask me a question, I HAVE to answer it.
Say what you mean and mean what you say. I do agree with this video..., also most people don't have or take the time to do this or just simply don't want to. With my son I'll ask the question and ask him to think about it, I'll go and do my own things and when he's ready he'll answer and sometimes I'll remind him if it takes to long. Realize that people are not like this, I also take every vage comment like : see you or next time I'll come to you etc. To me that's goodbye and nothing else, if they don't pick a date and hour then nothing. I always say if you want to meet me let me know specific and visa versa. It's a two way street, even between two autistic people or any for that matter, with autism it takes more time and sometimes it doesn't go that way unfortunately, that's life. Nice video👍😘.
Thank you! I am understanding myself so mucho better.
so very masked, I have made some of these mistakes myself
You have perfect wording and examples
Taylor I love this dress on you. Such pretty colours. I love the sleeves.
Thank you! 😊