Sometimes people can act like the ability to mask means you’re magically struggle free and no longer need to call yourself autistic. So here are 4 reasons why that’s not true! If you’re not sure what masking is, you may want to start here: th-cam.com/video/36-K-HW3syc/w-d-xo.html If you want to do the masking test with me, you can do so here: th-cam.com/video/-RgYyi6SgWg/w-d-xo.html Hope you’ve had a lovely week with some time to yourself! Here’s the page about preventing burnout from the National Autistic Society over here in the UK. Look after yourself!: www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/autistic-burnout
Sorry if I wasn't supposed to reply under your comment, I was just wondering what your opinion is on CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) for autistic people? For context, my therapist keeps bringing it up as an option, but I'm sceptical because of the very negative experiences I've read about online. Do you think it's suitable for Autistic people? Or is it damaging?
OMG I remember as a young child I wouldn't rock because I thought people would think I was weird and judge me, and I tried not to do it even when I was alone. Now I have intense social anxiety and no one knows why... I have recently started trying to move more naturally when I am alone and its so different and comfortable but I could never be myself in public...
@@Rapaille Personally I endured rather than enjoyed it. Tons of books to read with exercises I didn’t understand and couldn’t do without guesswork. My current psychotherapist is Jungian and an Aspie herself and I look forward (rather than dread) seeing her
Does the test actually help tell you if you’re autistic or not? I’ve taken it 3 times but keep getting a very similar score between 140 and 150 ish but I don’t know what that means really. Is it about how much I mask like I assume?
Me too.. And it unfortunately lead to me to grow up struggling a lot socially. I almost always leave an interaction wondering if I did or said something wrong.
Whats worse is when "home" isn't a safe space either. Just constantly masking your whole life. Masking outside the home to not come off as weird. Masking inside the home to not trigger any unpleasantness 🥺
My therapist told me that she thinks part of what's caused my anxiety disorder is this, like, I didn't know until I had been in therapy for a while that it's not healthy to mask literally every second you're conscious and always putting the expectations of other people above your own. I had been doing this since I was a child because it's what my parents wanted and what I thought I was supposed to do. Unmasking has been hard at times, but worth it, like, I have more brain energy for things than I used to and I've been learning to not hate myself for all my quirks and stimming behaviors.
Thank you for this comment !!! In my case I'm undiagnosed and I don't even fully know if I want one, but my mom lovessss to highlight my weird quirks and the way I talk and I'm so sick of it
Agreed, so so exhausting and it just never stops. I spent a lot of time in my 20s lying down in my car in parking lots or in front of someone else’s house when I needed time to just breathe and relax, but then that’s also stressful and anxiety inducing because I was worried someone outside my car would see me. I’m married now, and I love my wife so so much, but I still feel like I have to mask when I’m home with her. So it’s basically been like 30 years of this.
Diagnosed at 42. Been masking heavily my whole life. At this point, my "stimming" is all about self-harm (skin picking mostly) and insulting myself inside my head. I never learned to stim in a healthy way 😢
@@jonathanwinandyYeah, repeating particular words or sounds is also a type of stimming, and I was encouraged to be silent as a little girl, so I internalized it. At the present time, every word I repeat in my head is an insult towards myself.
@@ubernerrdI wouldn't call it "talking to myself". In my head, it's my own voice screaming over and over again the same incredibly foul and offensive insults. There's no dialogue, just verbal aggression.
@@YukinoomoniI'm happy for you! Alas, I've internalized this type of stimming since my early teens and, right now, nothing seems to serve as a healthy substitute. Though it's probably not all about the autism in my case, I also have C-PTSD...
I've masked around people at work and then they were talking about "weird people" in a negative way and it made me feel sad inside because if they saw me unmasked then they wouldn't like me either 😢 it was awful
this is how i feel about my classmates i mean i dont mask perfectly, doesn't help my tics, but i still automatically stay quiet and antisocial to avoid ppl finding out more signs
I have a coworker who has lower masking skills and people will complain about how weird he is to me. I always try my best to defend him, but they brush me off as if I care too much. Because they dont realize I have more in common with him than with all of them.
Seems like these are people that wouldn't be great friends to have. The best people to be friends with don't talk about people that way or put people down. It can take time to find good people... but when people do that... it's important because it shows they aren't the best people to trust.
Have the same thing. I'm friends with people who basically would hate me if I revealed myself. The only time the mask comes off is in the privacy of my bedroom.
I'm non diagnosed, but feel like I have used marijuana to help mask. And I found if I did some strange or weird things then I/they would just play it off as being stoned. But not the best way to live.
@@BrickNewton I have learned that unmasking via alcohol is a Really Bad Thing. It can make socialising easier, but that filter is there for a reason. I mask my true feelings for safety. The blunt yet innocent honesty does NOT go down well.
@@BrickNewton I can relate to this so much. I've had experiences with certain substances that make either masking easier, whilst other things allowed me to be my "natural self" without having to constantly overthink each and every social interaction. but all that comes with a whole WORLD of problems eventually somewhere down the road. it's more like a band aid for a wound that needs serious attention. I hope you can take good care of yourself and do not become dependent on any type of substance just to survive everyday life. best wishes goes out to you and everyone struggling with this
WAY MORE ATTENTION i ended up using heroin and fentanyl heavy after years of drinking starting at age 12. i relied on xanax given to me by my doctors, and i’ve been “sober” six years on tuesday. the longer i stay sober the harder it is to function regularly in any capacity bc i have no support so it’s still hidden. i’m miserable, i honestly regret getting sober so much. i need cannabis to even partially function normally.
I am aware I mask. I called my facade in my teens. My mother used to tell me to just be myself and I would think “yes but which self do you want me to be. I am 70 and only found out I am on the spectrum last year. I don’t really know myself 😢
I used to internally fume and catastrophize whenever I'd seek advice on socializing and I'd hear/read "just be yourself". Some of the thoughts that'd go through my mind included: "Tried that. It doesn't work." "WTF DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!" "This is like saying 'just drive' to teach someone who's never driven before." "Utterly useless advice from someone who's never had anything close to my problems". Eventually, I realized what it usually means is: "I am so accustomed to having a sense of community and safety that I don't have to do much serious deliberation before my social interactions. I just say what comes to mind and feels right and the ball gets rolling."
69 here, dx last year. I'm reevaluating all my past history through the lens of autism and now I'm mostly pissed about how badly people have treated me.
"Not having the right to say no" hits really hard for me. I tend to think of my masking as "business mode" (having only learned the concept of masking, from you, in the past month or so), because I guess I first started doing it as a way of being the perfect employee robot instead of my usual apparently unemployable self, and one of the things about being in "business mode" is never saying no, even if I don't want to or don't even know how to do something, figure it the fuck out and make it happen. This bit me really hard once when a scammer called my work pretending to be local police trying to get a hold of me about a warrant for supposedly missing jury duty, and in retrospect like absolutely everything about this scam is so obviously a scam and I'm ridiculously embarrassed that I got taken for it but it started with a coworker transferring a phone call to me so I was just "in business mode" and complying with the things that the person on the business phone were telling me even though I felt suspicious and like this isn't right, but just MAKE IT FUCKING HAPPEN AND GET BACK TO WORK is all my brain would shout at me.
I have recently met someone who is basically the polar opposite. They were a fucking rebel, if you will, they applied some thorough autistic gamification to the business/workplace thing. They were for years "testing what they could get away with" in the field of communication with coworkers and bosses, which has led to many lost jobs but some real confidence. But obviously, that mindset does require that you're fine with getting fired and/or looking for a new job. The person lives in a megacity (biggest job market of the whole country), that probably made it easier. Completely unrelated but that person also casually taught me how to tell a fake smile and a real smile apart.
Omg. I'm unemployed but feel this so hard. I lost over $700 to scammers this past year because the people pleaser in me kept thinking if I give them what they want they won't come back to hurt me. But of course all that did was encourage them to harass me for more and more money. They didn't give me what they were selling either, my poor husband had to block them for me. It was so bad that hearing an Indian accent triggers a fear response in me now. But they aren't as obvious when they are online invading your chats and you can't hear the foreign accent. I keep getting them on my twitch when I stream and random phone calls at bad hours, it's like I'm being stalked.
Don't feel too bad about the scam. Social engeneering gets us all. But I understand your regrets for not listening to your instincts. You are not alone!
For me it’s just my social mood because I’m afraid of accidentally upsetting people and I don’t know how to deal with upset people because why are you upset and what can I do about it you’re just being upset cause I said no ummmm stop?
Hi all. I'm 75, and undiagnosed. Until last year I was unconvinced that there was anyone else on earth like me. Living like a hermit, I was unlikely to ever learn otherwise, until a most remarkable family moved onto my street. Now I know, and am discovering the people and resources available. I am in awe. The world is completely different now. I thank you and the other heroes who have helped show me that there is value to my life, and people who can recognize it. The sensations are overwhelming. I have tears streaming down my face as I write this. I didn't catch your name, which I resolve to do one day, but for now it doesn't matter. For my purposes right now, you are us as I am us. I am grateful beyond words. Btw, this video was published on my birthday. Cute touch.
I'm 39 and only got my diagnosis of severe ADHD and "Asperger's" a few months ago after intentionally seeking out a diagnostic and paying 1k out of pocket (so much for universal healthcare). I was previously self-dx'ed as AuDHD for about two years. Self-dx is always valid. If you know, you know.
"Mate crime" and similar is why I struggle to trust, why I'm insecure... why I fawn, why I have anxious attachments. I am lonely. I have been very lonely since I can remember, and I am usually suicidal because I feel so alone. People have not understood THIS level of loneliness - I have been cast out and judged and not understood why, had people pretend to be friends but just took advantage... I just really WANT a sense of belonging, but WHERE is that? I don't thrive in neurotypical spaces usually because at my age, I don't relate to others - I feel a lot younger than I am, though I have very "outdated" interests... I don't work, I have lived at home my whole life... I can't just like GO OUT to a random thing and chat people up - I don't know how to approach people. Even when I AM in social spaces, there's always a chance that I read as "weird" unknowingly. It really sucks. I have probably attracted a lot of sociopaths who were very gaslight-y and abusive but in subtle ways. I don't wanna have to be LIKE OTHERS or change who I am, I just also don't want to be SO ALONE in the world and feel so out of place.
It's difficult but possible to find your safe space/person. My boyfriend is autistic (we realized that only a few months ago, at 34) and he felt the same growing up as you do now, alone and misunderstood and suicidal. And yet he finally found a safe place with me and he is slowly understanding himself better and feeling better. Best compliment he ever told me was "alone is with you", meaning that he felt as confortable with me as he is when he's alone. There's hope and happiness somewhere for you neurodivergent people. And the ways your brains work are so interesting I can't stop watching autism-related content ! 😄
I have been there, with mate crime & with domestic abuse... and with stranger abuse... & I have been there, also with being suicidal.. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I do understand feeling alone makes you feel that way, but depression also makes you feel more alone & it is a huge cycle. I honestly think that my extreme loneliness, the desperation for someone to see and love me or "get" me DID attract sociopaths. I don't think you have to change who you are and you shouldn't have to. And I believe you can find your place, with people if you want or romantically if you're into that idea. I think you sound like a really cool person & I bet your "outdated interests" are really cool, too & there are people out there who share them.I really think if you want to find some belonging, pursuing those interests sound like a great place to start! But what I do think, is that you're in pain and it's horrible & I completely understand it. But the PAIN is not who you are... and the depression... is not who you are either- although I know if it's all you've ever felt- it does feel like it is you. But, like neurotypical people either have emotional regulation or learn it by watching other people. And, like, a lot of us... just don't learn from watching people. We, like basically need a manual to not have depression, I think. I had no idea you could learn how to not be suicidal or LEARN to have feelings other than the worst depression (especially in times of what you might consider failure, like going through abuse, facing the fact that you're disabled, whatever else). For many autistics, we can have resistance or a paradoxical effect with anti-depressants & doctors don't seem to even know about it, so where my mom can just take a pill, I needed to do an intensive course of study to have any kind of relief from that feeling or chance to survive. You can have depression for life reasons & situational reasons that would make ANYONE depressed.. but also, there can be a brain-wiring aspect, too, & you can kind of untangle some of that... which can REALLY help to put you in a better place to create a life where maybe you don't thrive in neurotypical spaces but maybe you have great friends who share your interests in a way that's inclusive to you! I hope, for your sake, that you might think about looking into learning emotional regulation skills (I'm going to try to paste a link below, because these skills SAVED my life), in particular "Wise Mind" that teaches you how to integrate your emotions with logic, like experience both at the same time. Anyway, if I did not learn those skills, I don't think I could have found my wife or really had a healthy relationship or have the awesome relationship I have with my parents now, for example. So, here is a website... & it's not to say to change who you are... but there are videos with TOOLS you can try. Usually with DBT you try different skills on for size, even if they sound stupid, then you keep a diary of what techniques work or don't. If you like them or they work for you and ALSO feel authentic, they're there for you to use... while still being yourself. For me, these skills were the key to finally understanding when & were I belong even with the neurotypical people in my life. So in case you're interested, if it would help: th-cam.com/video/-be1mSZrgdA/w-d-xo.html
the description of post socializing/masking rumination was soo relatable for me, complete with cringing and making lil pain noises while my brain processes thru all the ways "messed up" the interaction one by one, it's exhausting. especially when most of the time the things I cringe at are things that probably no one else cared about or noticed except for me overanalyzing everything 😂
I would like to have more discussion about this, because I do that too, and the reaction is so common and so strong that I thought they were tics. Or maybe they are tics? Something like what people with tourettic OCD experience, an intrusive thought and a bodily reaction to it?
7:34 my cycle goes "I want people to like me and I want to fit in" --> "I try to be involved and charismatic" --> "I become too talkative, annoying, focus too much attention on one person, overshare and embarrass myself, etc." --> "I feel immense shame, begin to obsessively police myself and question every single little detail of what I want to say" --> "I burn out and go into crisis" --> " I withdraw from others"
There's a way I reconcile masking with authenticity. For me at least, I don't feel inauthentic while masking because out of all the masks I could possibly wear, I'm choosing this kind one.
Going through the same thing right now. It's hard to stop masking when I've done it all my life. I'm not sure how to know which parts are me. I had expected my best friend would be supportive, but she keeps pushing bs about autism being caused by trauma, or that I'm afraid of feeling my feelings instead of listening to me.
@@mariaholmdahl9949 I totally understand. I was recently diagnosed and even with that I feel like I don't want to share it with much of my family because I don't want to risk having to deal with their opinions based on limited understanding from watching Rain Man, etc.
Everyone does mask a little bit, but it's SO, so, so much easier for neurotypicals. Its like flipping a switch to keep light on as opposed to constantly running on a spike covered treadmill to keep the lights on.
I had to pause the video and come comment because I so heavily relate to the jekyll and hyde reference. I have felt like a “bad person” my whole life, asking myself why I can be so nice to strangers and so opposite once I get home from school. My mom used to say I had an attitude towards her, but I never intended on being hurtful, so I always just thought I must be a bad person for not being able to be nice all the time at home the way I am in public. I have grown to understand myself more over the past couple of years and its been very helpful!
Oh, man. I do this too. Except, not knowing how pleasant i could actually be around others, they would imply that I must always be in a bad mood and no wonder I didn't have many friends 😒
I didn't realize I'm likely stimming since talking about it with my autistic boyfriend, turns out we may vibe so well because I'm undiagnosed but really good at masking. So many little things I used to do, or still mindlessly do when I'm alone, I never thought about. Crazy. I'm 36.
I have the same only that I have no diagnose at all and my partner has a severe recommendation for a diagnosis from a therapist working with ASS patients. But still not tested as time and money. I myself did a lot of the tests I found for him too and am always on the maybe yes, maybe no side. but there are so many similarities. with my partner we also most likely not only have a high functioning Autism but also great possibility for a missed special gifted tendency. All lead to only now after we both had depression and anxiety attacks starting in our late 20s, now being both 32. On the one side I am just happy that I can understand him better than others and on the other hand I am just partly sad and angry that noone ever thought about diagnosing whatever was up with us (especially him).
Yeah I discounted the fact that I might be autistic for years because “what are the chances” that I ended up dating an autistic man and having an autistic child with him? I figured the similarities between my son and I were me just sort of… being empathetic? Rather than actually just recognising traits in myself as I researched autism in order to understand it in my son. It literally took about 15 years for me to finally accept that I was autistic simply because I thought, what are the chances? I believed that my son inherited autism from his dad and the chances of me also having it were low because, I don’t know, I was taking it all too literally or something lol :P and I was worried everyone would think I was copying… when I finally was diagnosed, my sons dad was totally unsurprised and was like, “ahh I knew it, glad you finally got diagnosed” lol I was like “OMG why didn’t you TELL me!!!!” Why am I ranting? Who cares!
I know exactly what you mean! @@toffeesock I don't quite think like my partner but him having clear traits of autism doesn't mean mine aren't autistic traits either. but then again it is so mild sometimes for me that I think "Naaaah... No way..." But the tendency still stands.
Looking back at my life, the first clue for me was that I was able to relate to autistic people, even as a kid (well, I didn't know any autistic people, at least diagnosed ones, but those who I could e.g. see in documentaries or so). I felt like I could understand them somehow, and felt some sort of connection. Over 30 years after that, I'm starting my journey of discovery to my autistic self.
For me the funny thing is masking at least at work often creates a horrible feedback loop when I do it reasonably well. 1. People like me and want to get to know me better. 2. This puts more pressure to mask more and think of more acceptable things to say/do. 3. Inevitably I will mess it up in some way and the same people that wanted to know me better are suddenly rude to me. To be honest I personally don't even mind being left alone for the most part, it's less stressful than feeling like you're spinning 100 plates to entertain others.
That "deadly cycle" is familiar to me. Sometimes I wish I were less good at masking, because then I wouldn't find myself in that cycle - people wouldn't be "tricked" into thinking they want to get to know me.
Is that what happens to me? I mask fairly well, and people tend to like me initially and then eventually they just go... I didn't realise I was really masking especially as a kid and I'd eventually start to be myself just naturally but I never connected that with them not being my friend anymore...
I keep being unsure if I'm on the spectrum/likely I won't get diagnosed now, but this comment is so beyond relatable to me. I do feel more at peace just not trying to socialize, just engaging with people as it happens, not really wanting friends, and I like keeping to myself anyway.
Same here ... Now I'm not talking at all with two colleagues who think I'm rude ... And yeah, at the end I couldn't pretend more and when I showed how I felt they didn't respect the limits ... Now I think that I should have been myself from the beginning... better to avoid all this .
I was diagnosed at 38 after developing C-PTSD from masking my whole life - without even knowing that I was masking or autistic. I’ve learned that my situation is pretty common unfortunately. I’m glad diagnosis is much better now than when I was a kid in the 90s.
Not judging or anything, but was the cptsd because of the masking and what lead you to your autism diagnosis or things just sort of lined up that way? I'm try to decide why, in my thirties, I started to feel super exhausted, then get diagnosed with ADHD, ptsd, and autism in my early 40s.
@@bluenymph2887 No worries!! I love taking about psychology. My C-PTSD diagnosis actually led to the autism diagnosis - because both disorders share A LOT of symptoms. They’re actually very similar and undiagnosed/late diagnosed autistic adults very commonly have a co-morbidity of C-PTSD. I’ve seen a lot of very extreme trauma in my life, but whenever I’d think back to why I was feeling traumatized, those events didn’t ever feel like they were really to blame. I’m pretty good at processing traumatic events in a healthy manner. I always felt traumatized by the isolation of feeling different and “weird”. Now that I understand the link between C-PTSD and “high functioning” autism, it all makes perfect sense. If you’re “masking” to fit in with neurotypical people and you don’t even know what masking is or that you’re neurodivergent, that’s REALLY going to mess you up.
We share the same story...my CPTSD diagnosis led to the ASD diagnosis and honestly, that autism diagnosis day felt like my birthday! There was a reason for my "weirdness" I started coming across other autistics on TH-cam and stopped feeling like a solitary alien with all these odd quirks and ways to limit chances of burnout, meltdowns and the ensuing depression. I was reborn on that day and now, I'm learning that being ME is OK ❤
I mask through being quiet. I made a poem about it: I do not mind sound. I enjoy the water when it is pure and smooth. I enjoy when it is sweetened, and even made bitter. The diverse feelings can make me feel better. There are always abrasions. There will always be abrasions. But I do not mind. I do not mind sound. What bothers me is not the natural impurities That gives the water spice and life. What I mind is the pollution of lies. That is what gives me strife. When poison disguised as sweet golden honey Is dumped into my streams Through purpose or ignorance it does not matter For though I have no mouth, it makes me scream. I could have a mouth. I could rise up and take what’s mine. But then I would be the disturbing moth Taking what is “thine.” Thus, I can never let known what is felt. For fear of my own health. What is that? Who am I? Why, I am the river itself. I am the river you poor your lies into. That you pollute without a thought. I care not that you knew not When I am so close to your own selves. You did not know I was a river? Well, what else would I be? Something so silent and cold. Something to carry your sins downstream. I do not mind sound. Only when it is a burden. When it breaches my serenity And touches my conscience. I do not dislike the connection. In fact, it is something that I enjoy. But when the connection is only a siphon, That is what makes me coy. I want your community, not your pity. If you will not provide me company, Then leave me to be lonely. I do not mind sound. In fact, I like it just fine. But when the sound is just as draining, I will choose silence every time.
I f**king love this so much. Every single thing describes how I feel about what's happening in my life but I'm too caught up to say. Cos I'm being that person in the poem. I love the sound of distortion. Messy, busy, loud ratchet sounds. It's when I can feel it trying to taint or control my experience that makes it not ok. I miss sound. Thank you so much for posting this. x
What a great poem! I really relate to it so much. It really puts to words the complex feelings that autistic people have. The things that usually don't bother me suddenly being overwhelming bothered me but realizing that I might be autistic too. There's that something about wanting company but abandoning it because of mistreatment from normal people due to being the odd one out. Kudos to this poem.
I have to say that perceived pressures to unmask for some people who are late diagnosed, can be counterproductive. I was diagnosed at 59 years and I honestly think that my mask is as much a part of me as my autism. I doubt that I am capable of unmasking to any great extent. Masking does not cause me any distress, though it can cause exhaustion. However, how much the exhaustion is the result merely of socialising itself and how much is caused by masking, I couldn't say. Rather than than advocate unmasking, which may be impossible for some autistic people, I advocate being kinder to oneself. Avoid social commitments that you feel will be unpleasant, if possible get out of situations that are causing you distress, be it social overload or sensory.
Apparently for you masking works Well, great If IT does Not cause you distress, but for so so many IT does, Feeling Not Like yourself, that you can never Express yourself that there IS Always an invisoble Wall between you and Others . . .that can BE extreamly distressing. Maybe your Mask does.not need to BE that different from WHO you are maybe you are Just really good managing IT and Mask and unmask all the time when needed . . .Not everyone has crazy visable stimms that need to BE forced down after all . . . . But for me, the relationships where I have to heavenly Mask are those I avoid, cause ITS hell for me and them. I rarely ever have co tact with my Foster mother cause despite of US Loving eachother IT IS Just so hard to BE around her and trying to force myself into way to tiny plastic shoes, Police every fraction of my Expression and Turn around every word in my mouth thrice by having to make the whole Thing Look Natural, AS If nothing was wrong IT IT were a delight so BE around her
Also, for some of us, unmasking and skill regression can be extremely dangerous! I unmask as much as I am comfortably able to, but I am a level 2/medium support needs autistic. I was forced to learn how to live almost entirely independently because my parents believe autism can be cured with discipline and violence. I do not have a caretaker. I do not have the money to get assessed. I am not on disability. I already struggle to maintain independence because working just enough hours to survive leaves me exhausted and struggling to keep up with household chores. Too much unmasking and I risk losing my independence. And again, I have nobody to care for me. I would be causing my own ruin.
I have really enjoyed how we have evolved our discussion and thoughts about this topic. It's good not to see it as a black and white (either/or) line of thinking. Sometimes masking helps, and sometimes it helps to unmask. I suppose the key is finding a balance.
@@LilChuunosukeI relate to your struggle. I cannot afford to unmask either. In this economy??? I have to be in uncomfortable situations to survive each month. No family support besides some money and food here and there. Unmasking is a privilege. I would love to not be exhausted, but that's just reality. I give myself as much grace as I can. I obviously try to avoid high-masking social interactions. It's just not always a choice, but a necessity to mask.
@@LilChuunosuke I don't think that's the point you're making it out to be. Independence is nice but hurting yourself for it? Your comment is more an expression of how the system fails disabled folk than a reason why you need to mask. The point is you shouldn't have to do that, you should have access to accommodations and care. Not necessarily a live in carer if you don't need that but someone who maybe does your shopping, or your cooking or cleaning.
The post-diagnosis "no, look, I am actually weird, I promise that I'm weird, look at all this weird stuff that I've done" is extremely relatable. Almost as much as the Jekyll and Hyde comparison.
To me unmasking means being honest with myself, and allowing myself to be honest with others if it makes me feel better. I have told many lies due to being audhd, because it seemes more believable to other people. Like saying, that I forgot my homework, rather than saying I obsessed and stressed about it all day long, but couldn’t get started. The question is then, if I feel safe to be more honest, but oftentimes i feel that I actually do. It is also part of healing to realize, that I today have agency in a way I didn’t have as a child.
I am turning 46 in March... i just found out this year, that im autistic, and my score on the CAT-Q was 137. Something that shocked me immensely. All i could think about the entire time i was taking it was, "well, everyone does this... right?". My masking got so good that i had to retake several evaluations, because i answered them as my adult self, constantly masking... and not how I would have, when i was young, before i learned to mask. Absolutely shook me... learning that the internal dialogue I was constantly having with myself ( dont make eye contact too long, keep your hands still, make sure you nod along so they know you're paying attention, dont let your eyes wander, etc...) wasnt what everyone else experienced. I honestly thought all my adult life, that everyone felt/interacted that way... now i know why 2 hours with friends, is more draining to me than a 2 hour workout alone.
I can relate to this. I took the CAT-Q recently and scored 144. I've talked to my husband about my concerns, and hopefully, I can get an evaluation. I highly suspect I've been autistic and ADHD my whole life without knowing it. Money was an issue when I was a child, so even if my mom suspected something, we wouldn't have been able to afford it, not to mention it would have been the early 90s, so girls getting diagnosed was generally unheard of. And as a teenager and young adult, I was just "lazy."
My entire upbringing my mother constantly told me to disregard my own feelings and perceptions. I was completely un-personed by her and it caused an avalanche of relationship problems. If i wasn't so stubborn i wouldn't be here anymore. Distrusting yourself in every thought, perception and opinion you have is so debilitating. It's an existential dread I've only recently started to escape
Just know that you are perfectly okay the way you are, you know who you are, try your best to not doubt it, I had a very similar experience with my mother and it just destroys confidence so much.
I have Class 3 ASD, I was diagnosed at birth, my whole family is Autistic, I don't mask at all, and I am a survivor of a successful suicide (I died). My personal philosophy is this: those who will not accept you the way you are do not deserve to be in your life. That includes friends, sex partners, spouses, family members, employers, business partners, strangers in grocery stores, and everyone else. Through death I learned an important thing: NOTHING in this world is worth fussing, struggling, and suffering for. It is all pointless anyway. So we might as well relax and be as happy and satisfied as we can be. I do not fawn. I am very confrontational. Many people who have met me think that I am a crazy bitch. How do I know? Because they told me! :) I ask flat out - you got a problem with Autistic people or something? What do you have to say for yourself then? We should not have to change ourselves to be loved. We are very lovable just the way we are :)
@@chinmeysway Thanks :) Clinical death, brain was without oxygen for 15 minutes, 10 days of coma, 2 months in ICU connected to full life support, loss of 60% of blood mass, rupture of most blood vessels, dark purple skin covered in black and dark red stains, black toenails and fingernails, black whites of eyes, black gums and other mucus surfaces, people swaying away from me outside because I looked like a horror movie character - that's how it went.
There must be different ways of diagnosing outside of the US. In the US, if someone is Level 3 they won’t be able to write, or even communicate clearly. In which country were you diagnosed?
@@prodigalson1870 I was diagnosed in Russia. There were 4 levels. Level 4 was called non functioning Autism. It is Class 3 ASD in USA. Who told you that Class 3 ASD people cannot write and communicate? I know other Class 3 ASD people who can write and communicate. We have high support needs, that's all. For example, I require sensory friendly environment and alternative communication. If I have those, I function perfectly well without any outside assistance. If I do not have those, I cannot exist without significant outside assistance. I become 100% non verbal, completely lose ability to comprehend spoken speech, cannot care for myself, remain in a state of perpetual cognitive failure, and suffer one life threatening seizure after another and one meltdown after another. It is all a matter of accommodations and support, isn't it? What level are you at?
When I drink alcohol it has the opposite effect on me. I become pretty much a statue. It's as if my brain is like, "Okay, something is wrong right now. We have to be extra careful now. Don't move! Don't talk! Don't even breathe without thinking it five times over!"
This is why I can only drink in scenarios where I am in a “safe space.” I enjoy it….when I can be myself without fear or pressures. And never will I ever go beyond tipsy. Did that a few times in my adventurous thrill seeking years and nope. I have to maintain some level of normal function for it to not start a panic spiral.
Drinking is usually more stressful than not drinking, because I'm hyper aware that I have less physical control. That may be why people said I didn't seem drunk, even though I definitely was. I rarely drink because it isn't enjoyable for that reason. But I did have fun drinking a little when I went on an excursion during vacation to an island in Mexico. It was at the beach, I was with my best friend and they had tacos, it was great. Alcohol also tastes terrible.
So many people have taken advantage of me in my life. Thankfully therapy has helped me to start saying "no" and to stop gaslighting myself and stop putting up with gaslighting from others.
When I was a kid, apparently the favorite pastime of other kids was to tell me something I didn't care about, and when I acknowledged them, they got to laugh about how gullible I was for believing dumb stuff. I didn't believe one way or the other, I just didn't care.
honestly i would love to and been doing that lately in public but then i had an argument with my mom on our way home who told me to keep on masking because she feels embarassed at me, i have a very monotone way of speaking with very little to no facial expressions and appearantly i come off as "rude" even thought it's never my intention and it really hurts that this is how i'm precieved. my mom even told me that the seller in the glasses shop behind my back started "making weirded out faces" when i spoke as i observed the glasses frames. it's really hard to be accepted by society if you are neurodivergent or have anything remotely different trait about your persona and i just wish it'd change :(
The audible stress noises from going over past socialisations in your head - yes! I 100% do that, always thought it was a sign my brain was wired wrong - now I’m startling to learn it’s just wired differently and there’s nothing to be ashamed about :)
I got so tired from half of the people telling me I'm a weirdo or "mental" and others telling me there's nothing wrong with me...but I always knew I was different and that I had to "pretend" I was OK or people wouldn't like me. It was exhausting! My mum used to say that the poem: "there was a little girl, who had a little curl right in the middle of her forehead. When she was good, she was very, very good, but when she was bad, she was horrid" was about me. (Thanks for the CPTSD mum! 😂) Being diagnosed autistic in my 50s has been like being born again, with acceptance of myself for the first time in my life. I could so relate to every point you said. I am also asexual and have face blindness so I have been the victim of several sexual assaults in my lifetime. Knowing why I am the way I am is such a relief! It also explains why so many people I just "click" with are autistic. 😂
We were told from very early on that we _are_ wrong, while others are being told that they _do_ wrong. While others are removing or suppressing bad behaviours to fit in, we try to do the same with our very person and being. People think that masking is all about adding a protective layer outside of ourselves or pretending to be someone else to fit in. It's not. We don't try to hide our faces, we try to cut them off.
I think most people are not actually telling you that you are wrong. They think they're just teaching you how to behave in society, etc. Because you know that whatever they're trying to "correct" is really a part of who you are, you hear it as being told that you are wrong for being yourself. I'm not trying to make excuses for the people who hurt you. I think that's morally wrong to do. I am trying to explain why education might be really important. Caregivers like parents and teachers should have enough education and understanding to know when they are crossing this line. It's a very important line.
I very much relate to this. I like to have deep conversations, but I guess I get too deep too quickly. People want to chit- chat, and I want to hear about their dreams and fears. Or discuss an existential question. Or debate the tenants of justice. Really, just any meaningful conversation. Nobody wants to hear that 😂.
This. So much this. That I'm "intense" is something I've heard far too often in my life when I _don't_ mask. I'm not even diagnosed, but the more I hear from people who are, the more convinced I am that I am actually undiagnosed autistic, or at minimum neurodivergent in some very real way. When I was growing up, the criteria and wider knowledge about symptoms would *never* have caught me. I've spent my whole life (more than 5 decades) masking, with almost literally everyone. It's been exhausting, and I recently just stopped bothering, regardless of the consequences (which I'm sure anyone knowledgeable about this subject can reasonably predict).
Oh good grief yes! Same here! Things I mention in passing to people during a convo will shock them so deeply they tell me to shut up then they leave the room. Later they're cold and often outright rude to me, and it takes me forever to figure out what the hell is the problem? And of course from their viewpoint the problem is me :| I've learned the hard way to just shut up and stay shut up because when I've shared my lived experience, it's often too traumatic for them to hear :( Apparently I've got some tripley-distilled nightmare fuel bottled up inside. I also absolutely freaking hate it when bosses want us to all to "share something about yourself" in meetings with new employees.
@@janelmarie7571 I really relate to this, all of what you said. I joined an in-person group recently though, and whenever a discussion started to go deep, the organiser would make some joke to try and make things light again. I have my doubts that the organiser is autistic though he says he is.
So I'm a 34 woman. The doctor I have had since has finally retired, and the person who took over the practice told me they thought I was autistic upon our first meeting! They're sending me for testing. I blurted it out to my family at xmas because they were picking on me for being weird. They said some not so nice things about it. Things I heard people say that had been said to them about autism, but I wasn't convinced real people would say them. Jokes on me. I hadn't planned on telling my family about it, but I felt like I was somehow lying to them. I like being honest. I'm always complaining about not feeling like myself and being chronically exhausted, masking makes sense.
I was diagnosed at 35. When I told my aunt, she said “no wonder you’re so weird”. I simply replied, “I’m perfectly normal among MY people. In fact, we think you guys are the weird one.” My psychologist was so proud of me.
@@marzettik My psychologist was really fascinated by my response and I told her, the diagnosis gave me the confidence that I’m not the odd one out there and that there are many out there that feels the same way I do. I’m so glad I found MY people and we are able to share our experiences online. I wish you all the best. It doesn’t matter if your family doesn’t accept you for who you are. You still have us 😁. We know what you are going through and we understand you.
For a number of reasons - not the least of which being my autism - the only people that I have contact with are my coworkers. It is exhausting to constantly hide who I am but a recent meltdown at work demonstrated why it's so very important. Everyone freaked out that i was so "different" and acted as if i was a liability. I haven't been totally excluded, but it's clear that I have lost trust... because I couldn't mask long enough. Ironically, the masking is one of the things that leads to me melting down; it's a double-edged sword.
Partially from growing up as a female and partially because of autism and low self-esteem that politeness has gotten me in trouble. Including an experience that could have become a sexual assault! I truly believe that my extreme reaction (screaming NO! and physically pushing him away) to getting grabbed and taking advantage of his surprise to run out of the empty store saved me from a much worse situation.
'Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.' - French philosopher Albert Camus I like to have this quote on my wall as a reminder. Stay safe and happy folks.
Masking is indeed taxing, but it sometimes beats the alternative. That said, I went to a job interview last week and it took me two days to physically recover from the burnout. My constant mental replay of every single detail is only now just starting to fade. The interview lasted for about an hour and a half, during which time, although I like to think I'm fairly well versed in masking, I found myself starting to unravel after only a short time. My answers became overly long, detailed and meandering, and I found myself struggling to remember all of the different things I had to do to appear convincing. The worst part was when we were joined by the company owner, who inanely asked me, "What is your dream job?" At that point, I just wanted to get up and leave. Not surprisingly, I never heard back from them.
I feel you I also think Job Interviews are terrible especially when people dont know you and your Work. I counsel employers and everytime Job Interviews come Up I try to get them to Shift from Interviews to Just letting people try Out. We are Not the only ones that cant handle Job Interviews Well.
God how I hate job interviews. There was one where I managed to mask just fine through the interview, but the manager insisted on doing a roleplay to test my skills after I'd been at the job for a few weeks. I HATE roleplaying. I can answer any question, describe past scenarios where I failed or succeeded, detail how I'd handle hypothetical situations, but I CANNOT roleplay. Nothing makes me feel more scrutinized, judged, stupid, and humiliated than roleplaying. I would honestly rather shove railroad spikes under my toenails than roleplay, it is that uncomfortable and distressing for me. Anyway, I tried to get through it cause I really needed the job, but after a few minutes I just broke down in tears. One of the most embarrassing moments of my life lol. Thankfully that manager was very kind and understanding, she'd already seen me perform well so she didn't fire me. Still though, UGH!!!
@@daughterofsekhmet81 That's terrible. Hopefully she gained enough insight from the experience that she could re-evaluate her behaviour and decide that, in future, she wouldn't blindly expect people to act like performing seals at a circus.
I remember when I was a kid I would often wish my life was a dream and I was actually just a baby that was having a vision of how my life would be and i would be able just course correct and be able to act normal.
Me too! I used to pray that one day when I went to bed, I'd wake up and find that I was four years old again and be able to use my experiences I learned in this life to improve my real one
@@PandaHopeful Well you were a dog at some point. Their is no going back. and thats a very difficult thing. No going back, no course corrections, no daydreams can make it better.
@@LilChuunosuke I still have this idle fantasy of "once I invent time travel" all the things "I'm going to do" differently "this time through" now that I know better. Heck, even without actually reliving life moment-by-moment, if I could just give my past self at a strategically chosen stage of life like an hour or less of verbal advice, just about what to focus on and what not to worry about, not even any specifics, that alone could have a huge butterfly effect.
Every time I hear "you don't look autistic" I want to scream. It's so frustrating when people don't understand how years of serious trauma can force people to hide things and act "normal" and gaslight someone for their trauma. "I don't see your trauma so your autism isn't real". Thanks.
I SO related with what you said about how hard it is to unmask or 'come out as autistic' to people - especially at work. I work on a corporate learning & development team and we mainly teach behavioral and leadership skills. My autism makes me very good at the technical and logistical parts of my job and because I understand the content and can teach these behavioral skills, some people on my team have a hard time believing I struggle with this stuff. I've tried to explain that the REASON I understand the content we teach is because I've spent SO MUCH time studying human behavior in an attempt to mask effectively. I know what "empathic listening" looks like, I know how to mirror high-trust behaviors, I know the right words to say and the right way to position my body because I've spent YEARS memorizing all of those things to try and "look normal"
That bit where you talked about wanting to be an extrovert hit home for me. I've been recovering from a burnout period for the last two years, and the last two things I did in my life were all heavily leaning into extroversion and high socialization. It resulted in me being bullied, ostracized, and singled out more than I was even back in high school. I'm so tired. I just wish I could find a job that wasn't making coffee, serving customers, and cleaning toilets.
Regarding the misunderstandings around minute 14, this really hit home.. I think I can accidently stare at people or be too nice and people get frightened away, when all I want is a friendly conversation. I'm getting better at being 'casual' though. Also, it helps to have all these examples because I've never really been sure what people are talking about when they use the word 'masking'
This a very important video. I didn't get diagnosed until I was 30, and started masking heavily when I got to secondary school in an attempt to fit. In my twenties I went to a kind of college in abroad to study songwriting on a fairly relaxed course in terms of academics. But, I was burning out from all the socialising through living in dorms. All I knew was that I was ill and anxious all the time, and it's only in my thirties that it all makes sense. I was actually incredibly popular at the college, and the only thing people really noticed was my being ill all the time. You can't judge a person based on their ability to mask, and masking can end up creating worse problems than the ones your masking is intended to manage. Definitely always look for balance if you feel you need to mask.
When I was younger I disliked being drunk. I felt like I had built up all these inhibitions over years for a reason and felt like I was no longer in control when drunk
when I did drink I felt pretty in control but that I had a plausible excuse to shed my inhibitions and not hold back everything. I could just say it's the alcohol, I mean that behavior is the sort of thing you expect from someone that's drunk, no?
18:01 you mention a “fragmented identity” due to masking and I really like the way you chose these words. I felt so different that I thought for awhile I may be developing DID of some sort. Does not help that I dissociated a lot due to overstimulation and that being how I avoided meltdowns, as they felt dangerous in the environment I was in.
With regards to addiction, it isn't just drugs or alcohol. Food can become an addiction. As a child my most certain source of comfort was food, it was far more reliable than unpredictable people. No one in my life wanted me as I am but there was always the refrigerator and pantry. I'm still struggling with this to this day given my lack of trust in those around me.
The way I sobbed through this whole video. Living as an autistic person my whole life but not knowing until a few years ago has been a lot. Having you to help me validate the parts of myself I've been hating for 40 years is such a blessing. Thank you so much for doing this. I am so much kinder to myself since finding your channel.
the "flat expression" hits so close to home. 😆 Yeah, I have been told by a guy I used to know that he liked going to the store with me because I always looked like I would kick someone's .. britches, to keep the language clean, so people left use alone. At uni, I knew a girl who, bless her, used to always try to get me to smile more. She was an angel.
same, I was told by my father that if I don't start smiling more no man would find me pretty growing up...mind you I was 9 + little does he know I'm a lesbian🤭
Yeah, I was told every other week by my stepmother that if I was going to arrive with such a rude face, I might as well not come back. Anyways, I was a child moving between parents and being antagonized constantly by her, she expect me to come in laughing?
Well clearly expressions are just that, cause you're way nicer than me. When I was a kid my dad's girlfriend would always try to get me to smile, infuriated me then, and I had a professor who tried to make me smile all the time last year and it infuriates me still
@@LangkeeLongkee If it were anyone else trying to get me to smile more I likely would have been far more annoyed. But she and I became friends fairly quickly, she was very kind to me. I sometimes wonder if we wouldn't have dated if she had not been an exchange student. When I visited her in her country (thanks to a trip through the university) she took me to her favorite date spot in her city.
When you said that about being too nice to people and not always wanting to it made me well up. That's all too real to me. I have been abused since I was 3 years old by so many people and in so many ways. Really, with my recent gained understanding of autism and realizing that that is that freaking word I never knew was what it was to describe the thing that Fs me up all the time (Heavy is that revelation) there were even more abusers than I realized. I'm a 41 year old gruff looking guy that always looks mad and pretty much stays quiet. All the while my brain screams. I've battled with substance abuse in the past. I have since let those vices go. I appreciate your content Megan. I owe you a long email.
Hi Robert, I hope you have kind people around you now, and are able to heal. I feel for you. You describing yourself (gruff looking, quiet, while the brain screams) really hurts to read, I feel like I've felt that too. I wish I could hug you, or do something else to give you calm. I wish you all the love and respect from people, because you deserve it! ❤🩹🫂
Hello Amaris, Your comment made me smile a tear up. I’d take that hug, probably have a breakdown and want to talk way too much. I don’t have much support. Anyone I’ve tried to confide in absolutely doesn’t understand. Their feeble little NT brains think telling me nothing wrong with me is somehow helpful. I’ve been suppressing and internalizing so much and have learned to mask so hard that I honestly don’t even know who I am. I’ve come to realize I masked even when I was alone because I so badly just wanted to be “normal”. I could go on for ages. Anyway, Amaris, thank you. You really made my day. Knowing someone on the earth gave a darn for a bit brings me some happiness. I hope you have a wonderful day. If you ever find yourself near St Louis MO, and the universe crosses our paths, that hug would be most welcome. 🙂
Sometimes people take advantage of kindness. Being overly helpful is 50% me 50% mask. Not being able to say no lead me to a severe burnout. Which lead me to start the assessment for autism. Now i start to realize how much i was taken advantage of. Especially in friendships and work. I forgive them because i believe God. But im learning how to be myself and to not be walked on. If i get bad reactions so be it. Ive been bullied a lot growing up and even on my 1st job...so i dont care anymore. I hope you can somehow repair the damage and hurt in your heart and mind. That we rewire the anxious and negative reactions and mask less. Wish you the best.
I'm an autistic education major who volunteers at a kindergarten class, and I'm noticing how much I mask when I'm around those kids, even though I genuinely do enjoy interacting with young people. Like you said in your video, I've gotten so used to being agreeable, ignoring my own desires, and submitting to the authority of other people that I feel like I'm always in the wrong and I can't say no to people... which, you can see how that's going to be a problem if you want to be a teacher, or any kind of leader!! I feel like I can't tell any of the kids to stop doing things that are disruptive or disrespectful because I'm so used to practicing a fawning response. I'm starting to realize that if I want to be an education leader, I need the mask off very badly, but I don't have any idea how to go about doing that at all. I feel like advice that might work for other teachers might not work for me, and I've come across so few autistic teachers that I don't know who to turn to for advice. Are there any other autistic educators, leaders, people in charge, even parents, perhaps? How are you able to let go of this tendency to neglect your own needs, so that you are able to address and correct harmful behavior in children that needs correcting? I think that we need more autistic educators in the world, and my experiences give me a unique perspective both in the educational industry and in the autistic community. But sometimes it feels like it's impossible for me to even try to be an educator due to my social differences and difficulties. Am I the only one who feels something like this?
Hi! I'm an autistic assistant art teacher!!! I go to schools for an after-school enrichment class and am not a teacher that is constantly at any of them, so like you, I'm a bit more of a "volunteer". I actually find kids really easy to loosen up around because 1. Many autistic traits are traits children find totally normal and do all the time, and 2. Other traits they'll actually assume are just "because you're an adult". Like, they ALREADY find you weird and alien and silly because you're an adult and all adults are that way to them, but they also know they have to listen to you if you're firm with them. Firm but compassionate is my go-to. You absolutely do NOT need to perform for younger children. Older kids will be a bit rude but they're rude to everyone and will only be ruder to you if you act like you care what you think, so I think masking is seriously counterproductive with making them behave. Let me know if you have any questions about any of that, I don't often see something where it's like "oh wait I'm actually capable of talking about this".
As for taking off the mask and not fawning-- I think you need to consider what's good for the children, what they need. They need boundaries. It's good for them. They're not heavily emotionally invested in acting naughty, this isn't a part of their ego, social role, personality, this is just like a puppy or kitten biting you too hard. Puppies and kittens have to play with other puppies and kittens and listen to each other yelp to learn how to not hurt each other! These kiddos are in the same place, developmentally! They're experimenting and playing and figuring things out and, while they might get annoyed in the moment when chastised, as long as you're FAIR and do your best to explain things and invite them to see it from kind places (you shouldn't break this toy because then you and others won't be able to use it, that cost money and is hard to replace, it's not fair, you wouldn't want someone to do that with your things, etc etc) I think they're actually hungry for this kind of lesson. It's important and enriching for them to be taught these things in a thoughtful way. As long as you don't come at it with cruelty or while refusing to explain anything, you're doing them a favor.
Another thing to consider as a reason to not be passive and fawn, is that the quieter softer children in your classes will seriously appreciate it when you gently keep the troublemakers from getting too rough and entitled. If something is bothering you it's probably bothering some of the other kids, too. I was that kid myself when I was young, in classrooms where teachers let kids get away with stuff, and it was always unpleasant because I lacked the authority to stand up to them myself but a teacher would've had that authority.
One more piece of advice if you feel bad about scolding them is to try when possible to redirect and not simply shut down. When a kid's being rowdy it's usually because they're bored and understimulated and looking for something to do, and the game they happen to make up is just unproductive, but could absolutely be shifted into a more productive direction.
I'm an autistic teacher who taught 3rd grade and the best way I found to let go of neglecting my own needs was to voice to the class when I started feeling that way. Saying "I'm getting overwhelmed because of the noise in here", "I need to take a movement break", etc. was so helpful. Also I've found that working with younger kids makes me fawn/mask/neglect my needs. I watch 2 year olds now and spend my days stimming :)
It’s so hard the cycle thing is so relatable and I’m in the middle of the isolation from people part and slowly going back into I want them to like me. No one believes that I’m autistic anymore all because I used to mask very well(still sadly do out of habit) and now that I’m trying to be myself more often and showing my true self they are weirded out and think I’m making it all up all because I watch videos like yours it is so sad and I become super depressed because of them not believing me because “I’m too smart to be autistic” like whatever the heck that means
My ex-roommate was really bad and took advantage of me all the time because I thought they were my friend, and I wanted to be helpful to them and refrain from having any fights. So I often wouldn't bring up things they did that upset me or if they got huffy (which they often did) I wouldn't push issues, especially in regards to money since I paid for almost all the bills and half the rent and they didn't really pay for anything besides their half of the rent. Then they would claim I was mooching off them. It got really bad, and they wouldn't do their chores and even tried to lie and say they could evict me from our apartment, but I know a lot about renting laws and they just assumed I wouldn't know, even though we went to the same university and got the same degree and I even went on to get an M.A and they didn't. They tended to infantalize me and treat me like a child. Like I wasn't older and more experienced in life than them.
Is there a chance you could also do a video about thinking in memories if it’s true for you? I didn’t realize it was common for autistic folks to think this way until I heard someone I Abby’s Family (Abby From Love on the Spectrum). Initially when she was verbalizing things instead of saying she was mad she would say the memory of what she was doing or where she was. Her mom (with help from experts) basically connected all the instances she kept describing and realized she was mad in all of those moments was able to help her attach the word to use for how she was feeling. In a similar way, all of my humor is connected back to memories I’ve had. Every time I see a blue sky white fluffy clouds I hear ‘you’ve got a friend in me’ and see the Toy Story wallpaper in my mind. When people speak I’m often thrown back into a song that’s phrasing may have been similar or a quote from a movie. Etc. (there is more but it’s a lot lol) There is a theory floating around that a lot of the autistic experience may be linking what we are experiencing in the moment to the past or our memories. Which obviously allistic people do as well but not to the same degree because they tend to be able to be in the moment more presently and not as in their head? I was wondering if you had any thoughts on this topic! Great video btw!
I relate to this a lot. Abbey also talks about how she “thinks in categories”. I do too. My brain is constantly making connections between things that aren’t necessarily connected in an obvious way. That’s where a lot of my humor comes from too. I’m able to very quickly make jokes or references about any given situation because it reminds me of previous situations - just like you do with Toy Story.
It's so funny you mentioned this.I'd love to see a video on that, too. I JUST saw another video about this, and didn't know it was in any way related to autism. I used to think of time as more circular than linear, if that makes sense. I still do in a way. And, I experience it in a way that's a bit loopy. At some point, when I ended up in DBT (which was actually incredibly helpful for depression & other things. I learned emotion regulation, got clean , learned a lot of communication skills & getting my behaviors to match better with my goals, & fixed a lot of internal problems). DBT is kind of like CBT where you kind of can rewire certain thought patterns that are like, harmful. So, for me, unfortunately, my loopy memories that came up were often extremely negative and stressful. It was contributing to severe depression & burnout and the pathways were like... hellish. Some loops I had to kind of get out of. But, what was cool, is that the positive memory loops or associations still hold. I remember loved ones & good memories that help me enjoy life. I thought it was cool that the bad memories (mostly) if they surface, I can shove off. The best thing that helps in those cases were mindfulness exercises or a grounding exercises. I still use them if I get "bad memory bombs" trying to drop in. But the good ones, I enjoy and they enrich my life.
I had a breakdown a few years ago that started the journey to my diagnosis last year. I'm still recovering from the mental and emotional burnout caused by decades of high masking, undiagnosed autism.
There are almost zero TH-camrs whose videos I let play through the credits and outro, but your outro music is so groovy and chill I want it to last longer!
You can include me in the ideation statistic as well, but thanks to finding your channel I hope to never feel that way again. Your 9 signs video helped me discover my autism at 25, and it's harrowing to realize that this world was not built with someone like me in mind this entire time, and my hunches of feeling alien were correct. Had I continued my life not knowing what was "wrong" with me, I could've genuinely gone down the wrong path. This has been the most freeing point of my life so far, but also incredibly daunting because my bad childhood memories now hurt even more than when they happened in real time. I'm deciding to stop masking to the best of my ability because it helps no one for me to accept myself, but still perpetuate behaviors I was bullied into having. This time I'm going to be brave. Thank you so much for sharing your story, you've changed my life and I can't imagine how many others :)
7:22 Holy shit, I feel so seen... I've identified this cycle in my own life, and it's a HUGE struggle. Every 2 or 3 years, I burn out and have to rebuild my life.
I got 141 on the CAT-Q. I tend to mask a lot when I'm in public (even at work where all my coworkers and boss knows I'm on the spectrum, heck the boss even has an autistic son and he's my biggest supporter but I still can't go there without masking) but I stim a lot at home. My parents are well used to my stimming (I think they both are undiagnosed autistic, especially my dad) so when I'm at their home, or in my apartment, I can stim all I want. But I hate that every time I leave my house I have to mask that heavily, it's exhausting...
Oh man, monotropicism... that's why when I am in the middle of doing something and anyone comes up to remind of something I know I have to get done alter I am done doing what I am doing sends me into a rage and I have to lecture them: "I have to do one step at a time, do not cloud my mind with anything else, the gears will bind and I can't get anything done. ONE STEP AT A TIME, STOP TELLING ME ABOUT SOMETHING THAT'S A THOUSAND STEPS AWAY! I'LL CROSS THAT BRIDGE WHEN I GET TO IT!!!!! JUST LET ME BE IN THE MOMENT AND FLOW, YOU ARE ONLY RUINING THAT!"
I once spent an entire summer smiling at everyone. At the end of the summer; I went to the dentist because my teeth hurt. Yeah, turns out I wasn’t smiling so much as I was gritting my teeth.
I haven’t masked today. And i felt great and calm. And people started asking me am I ok. Why am I not ok? I am not diagnosed as autistic. But I feel like I constantly have to mask. I find myself feeling like people what I say is being judge. Is it how I said it. And I most definitely feel like I have to mask being introverted. Sometimes being around others is draining,and I like calmness. But people treat me like something is wrong with me.
I've been experimenting with unmasking and upfront disclosure for two years now. The results are decidedly mixed. I've decided to try strategic masking in social situations with strangers (like scripted small talk, deliberate eye contact, not doing obvious stims etc) as way to avoid freaking people out and "othering" myself more than I'm already othered by autistic traits I have no control over / awareness of. I'm hoping that this will reduce the stress of these situations, and gain the goodwill and cooperation of more neurotypical people than my previous strategy, or the instinctual masking I engaged in for 57 years as an involuntary unconscious survival strategy. It worked, for a while. At the cost of extreme anxiety and depression. In the end I suffered an emotional collapse that's lasted over a decade - one I'm still recovering from. Maybe strategic masking will work, maybe it wont, but I'm going to try. At least I'll be aware of what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. I don't like being alone and cut-off from 98% of people (or whatever the true prevalence of non-autistics is). Humans are not built for social isolation. I'm not as healthy or productive as when I feel connected - maybe. The last few years of isolation post diagnosis have been peaceful for me - but lonely. Disclosure, unmasking, and asserting my autistic identity has cost me several longtime friends I considered close, and that's been very difficult. Then again, not having these people in my life has opened up room for new and more accepting friends. I'm looking to thread the needle by finding the middle path. I try to live without regret, and the things I regret most over the last 59 years are the things I didn't do because of self doubt, shame, and especially, fear. I figure I can always withdraw again.
Masking starts in young life with parents being extremely critical and angry and frustrated because they can't predict or control your behavior. It's further exasperated by bullying in teenage years (and beyond), and completes itself with awkward romantic and sexual encounters. Once you've been through all that trauma, you're pretty well programmed to avoid more trauma from those things by acting like a neurotyoical person. That's also where the people pleasing comes in, you've been so overly criticized that you feel your opinion, emotions, or perspective aren't as important as the rude person who's angry at you. Or perhaps it's not that you feel they're unimportant, but rather you believe everyone else feels that way.
I’m 19 and have masked pretty much my entire life, growing up undiagnosed due to lack of information of autism in my family. My masking got the most intense during high school (specifically before I started heavily researching autism) and it caused mental health issues that were really hard to deal with. It caused me to feel as if I wasn’t a real person, feeling like a husk of a person, and that I didn’t have a personality. I remember hating myself because I felt that way and all I could ask was why? Why am I like this? Why am I so boring? I felt as though all my relationships/friendships at the time didn’t actually like me and would leave me at a moments notice. This was by far the absolute lowest point of my life. Since then I have been working on masking less and, although it’s been difficult, I am making progress and feeling better about myself.
I've learnt so much since I discovered your channel. I'm 62 and I'm so burnt out that I just wanted to STOP. I'm needing a paradigm shift, what I've learnt from you has got me going again THANKS.
Yeah, I got the "you're the only one who hears/smells that" or "you're the only one with a problem." my whole life. I also got the "you don't smile" enough from just about everyone. I really don't think I smile more or less than anyone else, but it got pointed out in almost every social situation or at work. People also get angry with me in most of the social interactions I have, and I've been told that I am ALWAYS in the wrong (not the jerks I interacted with).
As someone who could pass as a native speaker were it not for my accent: the foreign language comparison is spot on. I am very comfortable in english speaking countries, I almost don't notice myself anymore which language im speaking - until I'm back home and everything is just easier. Masking is similar. I learned to use my masked persona to my benefit when needed (eg in professional settings or when I just dont want people to know me anyway) and I'm comfortable in my mask and outside. But it took a long time to get there and knowing why I am the way I am did help. While undiagnosed and clueless, I think going to a technical university to study physics may have been one of the best things to happen for my mental health. Sure the course load is tough and that was certainly stressful. But there was no competitiveness because there were fewer students than spots in courses and everyone was helping each other and just being supportive in general. That makes so much of a difference! As will come as a surprise to absolutely nobody, the student body has a high percentage of ND folks. Never again have I encountered the kind of radical acceptance of weirdness and mutual support (no matter how "stupid" the issue) as I have among physicists at university. I guess that had to do with most of us just being used to not fully understanding everyone else so we probably didn't really pick up on the exceptional weirdness of our fellow students ;-)
I really loved this video, I think you've explained so clearly the issues with masking. I'm not diagnosed but one issue I've had my whole life is the double standard in my home life. As a kid I was always told I got upset too easily, that I cried too much and that I was too sensitive to 'jokes' and so I think that's always taught me to not listen to myself when I'm feeling hurt or uncomfortable. As I got older I didn't always know when my 'friends' were making fun of me or bullying me, not only was it difficult picking up on all the social cues but I was so used to feeling so conflicted about the people close to me that I didn't realise there was anything wrong with feeling hurt and upset by your friends. It's so frustrating because but when I went to my mum for help she would then complain that I was too nice and that I needed to stand up to myself. She spent my whole life teaching me to be docile and to not stand up for myself and blamed me for acting that way around other people.
I adopted the super-smiley, sweet persona as well and I honestly don’t know whether it’s a mask or whether that’s me. Its certainly easier to wear that mask if I’m in a good mood…if I’m depressed I have to avoid people because I can’t mask without a huge effort. Everyone thinks I’m so lovely and to be honest, I’m not always thinking lovely thoughts. I do have integrity though and a huge sense of guilt so I do the right thing as much as possible. Also once someone starts to cross my boundaries the sweet image completely disappears and the person gets quite a shock at the assertive person under the mask. I also attract attention from much older men….I’m 51 now and they’re often in their seventies!! I find it ridiculous!
4:29…my CAT-Q, 137. I didn’t even realize I was camouflaging/masking. I have an excess of anxiety, but it’s always been there, and thought everyone had it.
Finally diagnosed at age 29, and after a lot of therapy. I looked back and saw all the horrible reasons I pushed further and further into the mask. It was clear that I was different as a kid. And by no fault of my own I was targeted for many reasons. After each rejection and boundary crossed I learned more and more ways to shape shift. Hoping that would keep me safe. It did in many ways. But, at a terrible cost as mentioned in this video. The mental health challenges and self harm used to cope from the sheer exhaustion of masking. Now as a grown woman I don't have to live my life that way anymore. And even if I do wear the mask from time to time I know why I'm doing it and it's from a different place. There's intention behind it and it makes it a little easier. Thank you so much for all your videos.
Mate Crime... That term just unlocked a freeze response I've been holding since 2018. Even struggled to believe I was a good person truly. Now I am confident I'm Good, I was right, and I didn't deserve what happened. Friends, it happens, we CAN Heal!
re suicidal ideation, yeah, i too was 7 when i considered it. i would have waited til the parent's Rx bottle was newly refilled and then snuck down after bed and gulped down the whole thing. only two things stopped me: the thought of the unholy hell i would catch if i got caught before i could succeed, which would have been infinitely worse than succeeding, and the realization that it was a permanent solution to a very temporary problem if i could just stick things out until i could grow up and move out. so, yeah, kids--you'll have those thoughts, but please let them go. it will get better!
3:46 I can fully relate to that, I have a real problem with that sometimes. For me, if I'm not satisfied with the outcome of a situation or how it went (doesn't even have to be own experience, reading/hearing about it can be enough) that situation sits in my head and I go over it hundreds of times until I have in my head the perfect version of that situation. And I recently got into a kind-of awkward situation when we worked in groups of four in class and we were done with the obligatory task. Two of my group just went silent and the other group member asked if we should do the second dask also, but because she had the leading role in my mental model (for me it's either I have to steer the situation or I follow whoever takes the initiative). So when she looked at me as if to ask "What do you think?" I just blankly looked back at her for a few seconds until my tired brain (I hadn't slept well the night before) realized that I was supposed to say something. Later that afternoon, when I was done with everything and my mind had time to think about it again the situation just got stuck in my head and I was internally shouting at myself "How do you dare create an uncomfortable situation for her?" an similar things. So half an hour before midnight I sent her a text message over our learning platform and told her that the thought of having created an uncomfortable situation for her didn't let go of me and that I wanted to apologize if I actually did. The next morning I get a notification on my phone that she answered, and she said that everyone sometimes gets into awkward situations and that it's no big deal. So I was getting mad at me for nothing XD
5:38 OMG, yes! When I began my ASD discovery journey I was talking to a friend about it and she was like, "NO, you're not autistic! I know someone who's autistic and YOU don't act like they do!" I was so angry with her that I shut her out of my mind as being a friend for a while and didn't talk to her at all until I could show her how wrong she had been.
I was diagnosed with PDA recently with autistic traits. They are looking for a place to test me for ASD, finally. I think I do the masking thing, but I don't know what I do exactly. Nothing sticks out as of now.
As per my other post here, I think that the concept of unmasking is not useful for some autistic people and that a perceived pressure to unmask can be counterproductive. I wouldn't know how to go about unmasking, and masking in and of itself does not cause me distress. Since diagnosis (very, very late) I have just been kinder to myself. I now know that my social and sensory limitations are real, and I do not force myself to live up to neurotypical standards. I know that I am a strong person, because I cope with problems on a day-to-day basis that do not exist for neurotypical people.
Carefuly and Just looking what feels good or Not. Watch yourself whatever you do Something cause IT makes you Happy or IS authentic to you, of If you do IT to BE normal and please Others. Where you want to die Something but Tell yourself No cause what would Others think
@@urseliusurgel4365i feel Like you kinda compleatly Miss the Point of unmasking, you seem to See IT AS adding enother Mask but this time imitating Other autistic people to "Look"autistic instead of Just looking for what IS authentic to yourself, which IS basically being Kinder to yourself, allowing yourself to act or feel in a certain way that IS Just you, Not Something you force yourself to preform to Match someones expectations
bluezeffer417 Removing that kind of mask is not easy. M71 recently diagnosed 2 years. What has helped me feel better about myself is to try to separate my real self from the persona or mask I assumed. Some odd things stand out when I scan my past. Around 4th grade we were asked to talk about our favorite color. Green was my favorite but the school color was blue and most answers were blue so blue became my favorite color for many years. Now I wonder who I told what. Good Luck.
Thank you for have the words to express these experiences, and share your journey. Post-diagnosis, even with support the overthinking, and weight of now noticing Autism at work in my life, is intense and opened a new set of considerations (coming out, neurotypical folks diminishing your disability). Burnout is scary. Anyway thank you, this video gave me hope.
Asking people for advice here. I am 21 and an assistant manager of a bakery. I have an apartment with my boyfriend, dog, and axolotl. As I'm getting into adulthood I'm noticing that im not able to keep up, im always exhausted and scared. Every time I research I find more proof that im autistic and it terrifies me. I am reaching a breaking point where something needs to give but I cant validate my feelings enough to let myself make a change for the better. What do I do?
Hi, hope you’re doing okay. I agree you should try to get a diagnosis if you can. Either way it’s important to find someone to support you before you burn out. Maybe a family member, a close friend or your boyfriend. Ideally you would also find someone to listen to you talk about your experiences and validate you. Do your best to listen to your own feelings and respect your own boundaries, but accept that it will be hard for you. Your internal experience of being at your limit and needing a change is valid, no matter what diagnosis you might have or not have. Still it would be helpful to know, but it’s okay to feel the way you feel no matter what. That’s just my two cents from personal experience. I wish you all the unconditional acceptance and support you need!
@user-il9ij5wx3n 😢 thank you. I really needed to hear that haha. I dont have really any family or friends but since I commented I stepped down as manager and I'm on a list to be diagnosed. Thank you for your kindness ❤️
I used alcohol to cover the burnout feeling of masking all day and I just wanted people to see "real" unmasked me and also alcohol gives a solid excuse for missing social cues or my physical clumsiness. Also alcohol numbs the motor functions and reduced my desire to stim or made stimming difficult so I wouldn't standout...
I've used weed in the same way. Can blame it for being weird, oh he's just stoned. But at this point I'm not sure if I can take that mask off in public.
The data about the CAT-Q and scoring over 125 is a bit of a bummer, but not terribly unexpected I suppose. The quote about the "constructed self" excelling and the true self withering is also so sad, but I love that quote.
My favourite "mask" is my camera. It has enabled to get into highly social situation (concerts, festivals...) And move around freely without seeming weird. Turns out it was probably an autistic response to doing something i like (meeting people, live music) that did before being diagnosed
I was diagnosed around my 2nd birthday. Nonverbal, was a very sickly toddler and had multiple allergies. I have been masking for almost 2 1/2 decades to the point I forget I'll actually always have it and walk through life no matter how old, rich or successful I end up. It's all about how you deal with it's and it's just having respect for people who might be different than you. We are just tired of being treated like outcasts and being mocked that's all
I believe I have been misdiagnosed as Bipolar 1 depressive since i was 10 years old. I have been watching your content and it has given me sufficient information through your perspective, that I have been suppressing my behaviors to suit my dysfunctional family that doesn't take mental health seriously and never had the knowledge and understanding to help people... like us. Like me. They would just shove me into psych wards so that they didn't have to deal with me. I have permanent psychological damage from the periods of forced isolation I was forced to endure... I can still hear the echo of my voice off those concrete walls... It haunts me.
To me masking is like a heavy shield. I feel like I need it, I like the security that it gives me a guideline on what to do on social situations, a little list of what to do and not to do. It’s necessary, it’s useful. But it’s heavy, you get tired, sometimes it’s physically uncomfortable and if you don’t balance right it can really hurt you
I’m 36, still waiting on my ASD evaluation with insane wait lists and psychiatrist confirmed the ADHD earlier today (although I was diagnosed in 1993) and masking for as long as I can remember and have attempted suicide 8 times since the age of 15. I had my child solo at 31 after being ghosted and I leaned heavily on my parents and siblings for support. A couple weeks after I had my baby I had my first postpartum depression meltdown and shouted “get it away from me” to whichever parent could get to her first because I couldn’t handle anymore crying baby. My mom took her and my dad proceeded to tell me what a bad mother I am and that I should sign my baby over to them and leave forever because she’d be better off with me gone. Something he’d do at least once a month for the next 4 years and I genuinely believed him before I had enough of the bullying one day and thwacked the back sides of my fingers on his upper arm in self defence. The story of my first ever arrest aside, I allowed him to bully me and tear me down, convince me that I’m a bad mom when I’m not. I had to be told by a therapist and the man I was seeing (who is a STAR of a parent) that it was abuse and validating me in my motherhood, abilities and strengths for the first time ever. Next we tackle the CPTSD!
So many relatable statements in this video. I am not officially diagnosed but every assessment I take on my own shows me comfortably within the range. I experienced a rough year last year and finally took a vacation away two months ago. Since then, I have been paralyzed from burnout. The week break allowed me to finally pause, process the last year or so, and not be around anyone but my spouse. When I mention that I am probably on the spectrum (I hate to say that I am without an official diagnosis; I'm the same way with my autoimmune disorder), the people usually chuckle as though I am just joking around. It makes it hard to reveal true parts of myself for the very reasons you discussed.
What sucks for me as an undiagnosed autistic is that now that I'm in college, I find it a lot hard to socialize with others, especially when I went in without knowing anyone. It got to a point where I was doing so poorly in school that I broke down in front of my parents, they were aware that I'd been having trouble making new friends other than the small group I had last year as a freshman. I expressed that I don't want people to think I'm weird and since my dad works on campus, he intended to reassure me by saying that everyone is weird at my school. I understand what he was trying to get at and although I don't know what it's like for everyone else at my school, I don't think it's a normal occurrence to feel like you don't fit in to the extent of breaking down and crying.
i feel that. but it’s true - nobody all the way fits in with others magically. it’s why ppl adjust themselves to some degree behaviorally. our species is super adaptable. careful w the A word too - it’s pretty theoretical even if doctors have degrees. it can be pretty divisive to thinking that neurology fits into just a couple categories. not to be splainy. there’s already a lot of that on YT and it’s just mostly contentainment. it takes time but you’ll find ppl who like the supposed weird (interesting) parts about you. meanwhile maybe fitting in is again, also pretty theoretical and not always useful as cliques are limiting. it can be like behavioral echo chambers which lends itself to myopic group-think. but yes we all need 3-D community connection. good luck to ya in college etc.
I have only just started the video and have been reading the comments and I just wanted to say this video really made my day. I was at work feeling overwhelmed and I have been feeling a bit in shock at finding out I may be autistic ( because it’s like I’m seeing my past and present self completely different). These videos and this community helped me take the steps in doing my own tests and looking at books ( I just bought Chloe Hayden’s book recently) it feels like such a long road ahead of me and I felt a bit discouraged being 30 and only now beginning to find answers but I find so much comfort and feel like I’m seen within this community so thank you to everyone ( also sorry for such a long comment!)
0:55 Autistic folks have been told "they've recovered." IT'S NOT A DISEASE or illness! It's neurotype that can and should be respected. Being Autistic only becomes a problem when other people mistreat or neglect us for it.
I deeply relate to all of this - and appreciate you resourcefully sharing through these essays…! Could I also share a small tip (or ask a favour, may be just me)…; Please allow some of the natural “pauses” survive in editing? Like between sentences, (breathing in) or topics? What you convey is wonderful, so at times - as a listener - a “short second” of contemplation or reflection on my side let your narrative come alive. So, that was my 40 years of audio engineering speaking - Don’t ever change anything you are or share… 😊
I used to have people taking advantage of me because I’d be stuck in people-pleasing mode, but they’d at some point trigger demand- avoidance in me and I’d shut it all down.
Recently diagnosed at 40, although it was well known I was 'different' and a 'child of high intellectual potential' (and would happily sit in corners writing out numbers that were multiples of 9 because PATTERNS, but I wasn't like the 'problem' children in school. I didn't need a 'teachers aide', got moved up several years in class - and try norming to a group that is hitting puberty when you're still a few years from being a teen! - , and they left me alone because I guess I wasn't bringing a machete to school or beating up other students with vacuum cleaner parts). But, also a third culture kid partially raised in rural Philippines and mostly raised in suburban Australia as one of the only Asian kids in school for about 6 or so years, before the demographic started to change, a whole other kind of masking. Had to mask around extended diaspora family, because image to maintain, of family, of being a kid of a fundie mother, and any outward stimming activities would get a bit of a belting response from the father. So shutting down and hyperfocusing on learning was the safest although having a long face and not being social enough was still unacceptable and reflected badly on my family and community. If I couldn't shut up and keep my head down but still smile and be polite and accommodate all of the demands, then failure. yay. It helps to have words for these kinds of experiences, like masking, PDA, autism, etc., when there have been layers of other things that I haven't quite found a way through. CPTSD? Bipolar? At this point in my life I honestly don't know how any of this can help. Still functional enough to scrape away at multiple jobs to keep a roof over my head, dysfunctional enough to not be able to keep up the facade for longer than a couple of weeks (or hours, really, but in this hybrid work world I can function for an hour and then retreat. Sometimes I will pick up a couple of days or so of hospo work, and then retreat back into picking up part time gig work where I don't have to talk to people). I don't know if I'm internally grieving over the lost potential that could have been nurtured and flourished with a proper diagnosis - I'm still dealing with the external backlash of the lost potential of not living up to the high marks or skipped classes, for not being a doctor by 21, for not finding a genius husband in my culture and pumping out a basketball team of genius kids by my 30s. It's a lot. So many norms that I can look at with interest and not know how to form to. I find this kind of content validating, and yet painful to confront internally. Probably especially now as I'm in the middle of a cognitive burnout and I absolutely cannot because I have a job to keep where currently I can't function until I break every task into micro, micro steps that I can eek my way through. I'm glad I missed the TikTok boat because I watch commentators talk about the kind of micro-norms that platform produces and I think if I were younger and had more energy and cognitive space to try and hold that information, I would probably have tried several dozen aesthetics and fumbled attempts at a dozen or so dances by now, and probably gone temporarily viral for trying to impress a bunch of people by attempting to dance, and would have felt validated by the attention and taken time to realise that actually, the world is mocking me for that sharp, painful 15 seconds echoing in other people's feeds. I am probably going to regret posting this in about an hour and take it back. But I'm grateful that this is a space where people can at least be heard for a time.
I'm getting to a point where I am trying to slowly unmask myself. So it's hard because sometimes when I just let myself be me I feel like I'm drawing attention to myself. Which in turn makes it hard to be myself in public
I believe that I’m autistic and have recently realized that I’ve been EXTREMELY masking my whole life. Recently I’ve started unmasking, mostly with stimming more (especially flapping my hands). It’s been three days and I’ve already faced extreme backlash from my peers and I plan to re-mask. TW: sh ⬇️ I believe that masking my whole life has led to my mental health issues. Whenever I’d do something “weird” or “annoying”, even if no one else thought it was weird or annoying, I would cut myself. I was clean for about a month, but very recently I did relapse (most likely due to me unmasking and then finding myself annoying/obnoxious). If you are ever thinking about cutting… don’t. It’s addicting, it’s terrible, PLEASE never do it, it’s not worth it. If I mask I feel like I’m not being myself and changing myself around every single person, which makes me want to cut. If I don’t mask I feel like I’m being way too weird, annoying, and obnoxious, and I want to cut. No matter what I usually end up relapsing, so PLEASE never ever start cutting. I started harming myself when I was 12
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Sometimes people can act like the ability to mask means you’re magically struggle free and no longer need to call yourself autistic. So here are 4 reasons why that’s not true!
If you’re not sure what masking is, you may want to start here: th-cam.com/video/36-K-HW3syc/w-d-xo.html
If you want to do the masking test with me, you can do so here: th-cam.com/video/-RgYyi6SgWg/w-d-xo.html
Hope you’ve had a lovely week with some time to yourself! Here’s the page about preventing burnout from the National Autistic Society over here in the UK. Look after yourself!: www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/autistic-burnout
Sorry if I wasn't supposed to reply under your comment, I was just wondering what your opinion is on CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) for autistic people? For context, my therapist keeps bringing it up as an option, but I'm sceptical because of the very negative experiences I've read about online. Do you think it's suitable for Autistic people? Or is it damaging?
OMG I remember as a young child I wouldn't rock because I thought people would think I was weird and judge me, and I tried not to do it even when I was alone. Now I have intense social anxiety and no one knows why... I have recently started trying to move more naturally when I am alone and its so different and comfortable but I could never be myself in public...
@@Rapaille Personally I endured rather than enjoyed it. Tons of books to read with exercises I didn’t understand and couldn’t do without guesswork. My current psychotherapist is Jungian and an Aspie herself and I look forward (rather than dread) seeing her
I would personally like to hear the substantiation behind the premise that you “need to call yourself” (anything).
Does the test actually help tell you if you’re autistic or not? I’ve taken it 3 times but keep getting a very similar score between 140 and 150 ish but I don’t know what that means really. Is it about how much I mask like I assume?
This is like if someone was heavily internally bleeding and people were like “you’re not bleeding we can’t see the blood”
good analogy
Have you tried not bleeding?
@@Coffin17I “my friend’s son is bleeding and his blood is all over the place, so you can’t possibly be bleeding”
@godricktheminecrafted3113 Finally get diagnosis. Doctor hands you pills. "What do these do?" "Oh they'll just stop you feeling the bleeding."
@@Coffin17I I’ve never been medicated for my autism so I can’t further the analogy here
I didn't even understand that I was lonely growing up because the stress of being around people was so much more overwhelming
Same here ❤
Me too.. And it unfortunately lead to me to grow up struggling a lot socially. I almost always leave an interaction wondering if I did or said something wrong.
Exactly
And that’s okay. It’s okay to be who you are.
This hits home
Whats worse is when "home" isn't a safe space either. Just constantly masking your whole life. Masking outside the home to not come off as weird. Masking inside the home to not trigger any unpleasantness 🥺
That sounds unbearable. ❤
My therapist told me that she thinks part of what's caused my anxiety disorder is this, like, I didn't know until I had been in therapy for a while that it's not healthy to mask literally every second you're conscious and always putting the expectations of other people above your own. I had been doing this since I was a child because it's what my parents wanted and what I thought I was supposed to do. Unmasking has been hard at times, but worth it, like, I have more brain energy for things than I used to and I've been learning to not hate myself for all my quirks and stimming behaviors.
Thank you for this comment !!! In my case I'm undiagnosed and I don't even fully know if I want one, but my mom lovessss to highlight my weird quirks and the way I talk and I'm so sick of it
@@ragerteenager968maybe she's masking and dares not to remove it-- maybe you're threatening her tight mask. PDA that she talks about
Agreed, so so exhausting and it just never stops. I spent a lot of time in my 20s lying down in my car in parking lots or in front of someone else’s house when I needed time to just breathe and relax, but then that’s also stressful and anxiety inducing because I was worried someone outside my car would see me. I’m married now, and I love my wife so so much, but I still feel like I have to mask when I’m home with her. So it’s basically been like 30 years of this.
Diagnosed at 42. Been masking heavily my whole life. At this point, my "stimming" is all about self-harm (skin picking mostly) and insulting myself inside my head. I never learned to stim in a healthy way 😢
Ho! I didn't realize inner voices are like a missing neuro-feedback. Thank you (late diag too, high masking)
@@jonathanwinandyYeah, repeating particular words or sounds is also a type of stimming, and I was encouraged to be silent as a little girl, so I internalized it. At the present time, every word I repeat in my head is an insult towards myself.
Is talking to yourself a form of stimming? Because I've been doing it my entire life.
@@ubernerrdI wouldn't call it "talking to myself". In my head, it's my own voice screaming over and over again the same incredibly foul and offensive insults. There's no dialogue, just verbal aggression.
@@YukinoomoniI'm happy for you! Alas, I've internalized this type of stimming since my early teens and, right now, nothing seems to serve as a healthy substitute. Though it's probably not all about the autism in my case, I also have C-PTSD...
I've masked around people at work and then they were talking about "weird people" in a negative way and it made me feel sad inside because if they saw me unmasked then they wouldn't like me either 😢 it was awful
if my mask fell off, a lot of people would suddenly reject me.
this is how i feel about my classmates
i mean i dont mask perfectly, doesn't help my tics, but i still automatically stay quiet and antisocial to avoid ppl finding out more signs
I have a coworker who has lower masking skills and people will complain about how weird he is to me. I always try my best to defend him, but they brush me off as if I care too much. Because they dont realize I have more in common with him than with all of them.
Seems like these are people that wouldn't be great friends to have. The best people to be friends with don't talk about people that way or put people down. It can take time to find good people... but when people do that... it's important because it shows they aren't the best people to trust.
Have the same thing. I'm friends with people who basically would hate me if I revealed myself. The only time the mask comes off is in the privacy of my bedroom.
the whole drinking & addiction substance abuse story is a vastly overlooked thing that needs way more attention imho
I'm non diagnosed, but feel like I have used marijuana to help mask. And I found if I did some strange or weird things then I/they would just play it off as being stoned. But not the best way to live.
@@BrickNewton I have learned that unmasking via alcohol is a Really Bad Thing. It can make socialising easier, but that filter is there for a reason. I mask my true feelings for safety. The blunt yet innocent honesty does NOT go down well.
@@BrickNewton I can relate to this so much. I've had experiences with certain substances that make either masking easier, whilst other things allowed me to be my "natural self" without having to constantly overthink each and every social interaction. but all that comes with a whole WORLD of problems eventually somewhere down the road.
it's more like a band aid for a wound that needs serious attention. I hope you can take good care of yourself and do not become dependent on any type of substance just to survive everyday life. best wishes goes out to you and everyone struggling with this
WAY MORE ATTENTION
i ended up using heroin and fentanyl heavy after years of drinking starting at age 12.
i relied on xanax given to me by my doctors, and i’ve been “sober” six years on tuesday. the longer i stay sober the harder it is to function regularly in any capacity bc i have no support so it’s still hidden. i’m miserable, i honestly regret getting sober so much. i need cannabis to even partially function normally.
i'm a victim of the way I feel and the things I've done and I have always used substances
edit: I'm 38
I am aware I mask. I called my facade in my teens. My mother used to tell me to just be myself and I would think “yes but which self do you want me to be. I am 70 and only found out I am on the spectrum last year. I don’t really know myself 😢
Early 40s here. I feel this so much.
I used to internally fume and catastrophize whenever I'd seek advice on socializing and I'd hear/read "just be yourself". Some of the thoughts that'd go through my mind included: "Tried that. It doesn't work." "WTF DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!" "This is like saying 'just drive' to teach someone who's never driven before." "Utterly useless advice from someone who's never had anything close to my problems".
Eventually, I realized what it usually means is: "I am so accustomed to having a sense of community and safety that I don't have to do much serious deliberation before my social interactions. I just say what comes to mind and feels right and the ball gets rolling."
58 here and thats exactly how I feel
❤
69 here, dx last year. I'm reevaluating all my past history through the lens of autism and now I'm mostly pissed about how badly people have treated me.
"Not having the right to say no" hits really hard for me. I tend to think of my masking as "business mode" (having only learned the concept of masking, from you, in the past month or so), because I guess I first started doing it as a way of being the perfect employee robot instead of my usual apparently unemployable self, and one of the things about being in "business mode" is never saying no, even if I don't want to or don't even know how to do something, figure it the fuck out and make it happen.
This bit me really hard once when a scammer called my work pretending to be local police trying to get a hold of me about a warrant for supposedly missing jury duty, and in retrospect like absolutely everything about this scam is so obviously a scam and I'm ridiculously embarrassed that I got taken for it but it started with a coworker transferring a phone call to me so I was just "in business mode" and complying with the things that the person on the business phone were telling me even though I felt suspicious and like this isn't right, but just MAKE IT FUCKING HAPPEN AND GET BACK TO WORK is all my brain would shout at me.
I know what you mean.
I have recently met someone who is basically the polar opposite. They were a fucking rebel, if you will, they applied some thorough autistic gamification to the business/workplace thing. They were for years "testing what they could get away with" in the field of communication with coworkers and bosses, which has led to many lost jobs but some real confidence. But obviously, that mindset does require that you're fine with getting fired and/or looking for a new job. The person lives in a megacity (biggest job market of the whole country), that probably made it easier.
Completely unrelated but that person also casually taught me how to tell a fake smile and a real smile apart.
Omg. I'm unemployed but feel this so hard. I lost over $700 to scammers this past year because the people pleaser in me kept thinking if I give them what they want they won't come back to hurt me. But of course all that did was encourage them to harass me for more and more money. They didn't give me what they were selling either, my poor husband had to block them for me. It was so bad that hearing an Indian accent triggers a fear response in me now. But they aren't as obvious when they are online invading your chats and you can't hear the foreign accent. I keep getting them on my twitch when I stream and random phone calls at bad hours, it's like I'm being stalked.
Don't feel too bad about the scam. Social engeneering gets us all. But I understand your regrets for not listening to your instincts. You are not alone!
For me it’s just my social mood because I’m afraid of accidentally upsetting people and I don’t know how to deal with upset people because why are you upset and what can I do about it you’re just being upset cause I said no ummmm stop?
Hi all. I'm 75, and undiagnosed. Until last year I was unconvinced that there was anyone else on earth like me. Living like a hermit, I was unlikely to ever learn otherwise, until a most remarkable family moved onto my street. Now I know, and am discovering the people and resources available. I am in awe. The world is completely different now. I thank you and the other heroes who have helped show me that there is value to my life, and people who can recognize it. The sensations are overwhelming. I have tears streaming down my face as I write this.
I didn't catch your name, which I resolve to do one day, but for now it doesn't matter. For my purposes right now, you are us as I am us.
I am grateful beyond words.
Btw, this video was published on my birthday. Cute touch.
happy belated birthday :)
I genuinely couldn't be more happier for you, I know the feeling. I'm 37 and am currently working on getting a diagnosis. Welcome to the club 😂😂😂
I'm 39 and only got my diagnosis of severe ADHD and "Asperger's" a few months ago after intentionally seeking out a diagnostic and paying 1k out of pocket (so much for universal healthcare). I was previously self-dx'ed as AuDHD for about two years. Self-dx is always valid. If you know, you know.
"Mate crime" and similar is why I struggle to trust, why I'm insecure... why I fawn, why I have anxious attachments. I am lonely. I have been very lonely since I can remember, and I am usually suicidal because I feel so alone. People have not understood THIS level of loneliness - I have been cast out and judged and not understood why, had people pretend to be friends but just took advantage... I just really WANT a sense of belonging, but WHERE is that? I don't thrive in neurotypical spaces usually because at my age, I don't relate to others - I feel a lot younger than I am, though I have very "outdated" interests... I don't work, I have lived at home my whole life... I can't just like GO OUT to a random thing and chat people up - I don't know how to approach people. Even when I AM in social spaces, there's always a chance that I read as "weird" unknowingly. It really sucks. I have probably attracted a lot of sociopaths who were very gaslight-y and abusive but in subtle ways. I don't wanna have to be LIKE OTHERS or change who I am, I just also don't want to be SO ALONE in the world and feel so out of place.
This might be one of the most relatable things I’ve ever read
It's difficult but possible to find your safe space/person.
My boyfriend is autistic (we realized that only a few months ago, at 34) and he felt the same growing up as you do now, alone and misunderstood and suicidal. And yet he finally found a safe place with me and he is slowly understanding himself better and feeling better. Best compliment he ever told me was "alone is with you", meaning that he felt as confortable with me as he is when he's alone.
There's hope and happiness somewhere for you neurodivergent people. And the ways your brains work are so interesting I can't stop watching autism-related content ! 😄
I have been there, with mate crime & with domestic abuse... and with stranger abuse... & I have been there, also with being suicidal.. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I do understand feeling alone makes you feel that way, but depression also makes you feel more alone & it is a huge cycle. I honestly think that my extreme loneliness, the desperation for someone to see and love me or "get" me DID attract sociopaths. I don't think you have to change who you are and you shouldn't have to. And I believe you can find your place, with people if you want or romantically if you're into that idea. I think you sound like a really cool person & I bet your "outdated interests" are really cool, too & there are people out there who share them.I really think if you want to find some belonging, pursuing those interests sound like a great place to start! But what I do think, is that you're in pain and it's horrible & I completely understand it. But the PAIN is not who you are... and the depression... is not who you are either- although I know if it's all you've ever felt- it does feel like it is you. But, like neurotypical people either have emotional regulation or learn it by watching other people. And, like, a lot of us... just don't learn from watching people. We, like basically need a manual to not have depression, I think. I had no idea you could learn how to not be suicidal or LEARN to have feelings other than the worst depression (especially in times of what you might consider failure, like going through abuse, facing the fact that you're disabled, whatever else). For many autistics, we can have resistance or a paradoxical effect with anti-depressants & doctors don't seem to even know about it, so where my mom can just take a pill, I needed to do an intensive course of study to have any kind of relief from that feeling or chance to survive. You can have depression for life reasons & situational reasons that would make ANYONE depressed.. but also, there can be a brain-wiring aspect, too, & you can kind of untangle some of that... which can REALLY help to put you in a better place to create a life where maybe you don't thrive in neurotypical spaces but maybe you have great friends who share your interests in a way that's inclusive to you! I hope, for your sake, that you might think about looking into learning emotional regulation skills (I'm going to try to paste a link below, because these skills SAVED my life), in particular "Wise Mind" that teaches you how to integrate your emotions with logic, like experience both at the same time. Anyway, if I did not learn those skills, I don't think I could have found my wife or really had a healthy relationship or have the awesome relationship I have with my parents now, for example. So, here is a website... & it's not to say to change who you are... but there are videos with TOOLS you can try. Usually with DBT you try different skills on for size, even if they sound stupid, then you keep a diary of what techniques work or don't. If you like them or they work for you and ALSO feel authentic, they're there for you to use... while still being yourself. For me, these skills were the key to finally understanding when & were I belong even with the neurotypical people in my life. So in case you're interested, if it would help: th-cam.com/video/-be1mSZrgdA/w-d-xo.html
God, I could have written this from my own heart
I'm trying to find a way through it. It's not easy.
@@cynthiabrown5456👍👍👍
the description of post socializing/masking rumination was soo relatable for me, complete with cringing and making lil pain noises while my brain processes thru all the ways "messed up" the interaction one by one, it's exhausting. especially when most of the time the things I cringe at are things that probably no one else cared about or noticed except for me overanalyzing everything 😂
Yes. I thought it was just me.
I would like to have more discussion about this, because I do that too, and the reaction is so common and so strong that I thought they were tics. Or maybe they are tics? Something like what people with tourettic OCD experience, an intrusive thought and a bodily reaction to it?
But that's really not just an autism thing right? Because holy crap I do that excessively lmao.
The cringe is a big part of life. Very hard to make any sort of social interaction.
7:34 my cycle goes "I want people to like me and I want to fit in" --> "I try to be involved and charismatic" --> "I become too talkative, annoying, focus too much attention on one person, overshare and embarrass myself, etc." --> "I feel immense shame, begin to obsessively police myself and question every single little detail of what I want to say" --> "I burn out and go into crisis" --> " I withdraw from others"
I'm in this cycle right now and have been for the last few years. This might be why I rarely manage to make many longterm friends.
My entire life.
I SEE YOU :( sorry if it sounds silly and unserious
My life in a nutshell. Spooky!
I masked so well it took 4 decades to figure out that I was autistic. Now I have no idea who I am.
There's a way I reconcile masking with authenticity. For me at least, I don't feel inauthentic while masking because out of all the masks I could possibly wear, I'm choosing this kind one.
Going through the same thing right now. It's hard to stop masking when I've done it all my life. I'm not sure how to know which parts are me. I had expected my best friend would be supportive, but she keeps pushing bs about autism being caused by trauma, or that I'm afraid of feeling my feelings instead of listening to me.
@@mariaholmdahl9949 I totally understand. I was recently diagnosed and even with that I feel like I don't want to share it with much of my family because I don't want to risk having to deal with their opinions based on limited understanding from watching Rain Man, etc.
Im in the process and feel very connected to myself when I was a kid more than I've ever been... i hope you can feel the same
@goober479 Beautifully put.❤
I hate when Neurotypical people say "I mask too." I am different at work than with my friends etc. It's more complicated than that.
It's easy to confuse masking with code-switching.
Everyone does mask a little bit, but it's SO, so, so much easier for neurotypicals. Its like flipping a switch to keep light on as opposed to constantly running on a spike covered treadmill to keep the lights on.
Yes, we all do. And yet one is more severe. If you do it all the time.... you may want to look at why.
But there's a difference
Most neurotypical people are incredibly phoney
It’s offensive and downright dangerous to our personal safety to equate allistic and autistic experiences.
I had to pause the video and come comment because I so heavily relate to the jekyll and hyde reference. I have felt like a “bad person” my whole life, asking myself why I can be so nice to strangers and so opposite once I get home from school. My mom used to say I had an attitude towards her, but I never intended on being hurtful, so I always just thought I must be a bad person for not being able to be nice all the time at home the way I am in public. I have grown to understand myself more over the past couple of years and its been very helpful!
Sameee! “You wouldn’t say that to your teacher” will always haunt me because it was true and I felt ashamed 🙃
When really we were just being ourselves at home.. the one place we should have had some more grace.
Oh, man. I do this too. Except, not knowing how pleasant i could actually be around others, they would imply that I must always be in a bad mood and no wonder I didn't have many friends 😒
I didn't realize I'm likely stimming since talking about it with my autistic boyfriend, turns out we may vibe so well because I'm undiagnosed but really good at masking. So many little things I used to do, or still mindlessly do when I'm alone, I never thought about. Crazy. I'm 36.
I have the same only that I have no diagnose at all and my partner has a severe recommendation for a diagnosis from a therapist working with ASS patients. But still not tested as time and money.
I myself did a lot of the tests I found for him too and am always on the maybe yes, maybe no side. but there are so many similarities. with my partner we also most likely not only have a high functioning Autism but also great possibility for a missed special gifted tendency. All lead to only now after we both had depression and anxiety attacks starting in our late 20s, now being both 32.
On the one side I am just happy that I can understand him better than others and on the other hand I am just partly sad and angry that noone ever thought about diagnosing whatever was up with us (especially him).
Yeah I discounted the fact that I might be autistic for years because “what are the chances” that I ended up dating an autistic man and having an autistic child with him? I figured the similarities between my son and I were me just sort of… being empathetic? Rather than actually just recognising traits in myself as I researched autism in order to understand it in my son. It literally took about 15 years for me to finally accept that I was autistic simply because I thought, what are the chances? I believed that my son inherited autism from his dad and the chances of me also having it were low because, I don’t know, I was taking it all too literally or something lol :P and I was worried everyone would think I was copying… when I finally was diagnosed, my sons dad was totally unsurprised and was like, “ahh I knew it, glad you finally got diagnosed” lol I was like “OMG why didn’t you TELL me!!!!”
Why am I ranting? Who cares!
I got diagnosed in October aged 33.
It's so much more common than anyone realises.
I know exactly what you mean! @@toffeesock
I don't quite think like my partner but him having clear traits of autism doesn't mean mine aren't autistic traits either. but then again it is so mild sometimes for me that I think "Naaaah... No way..." But the tendency still stands.
Looking back at my life, the first clue for me was that I was able to relate to autistic people, even as a kid (well, I didn't know any autistic people, at least diagnosed ones, but those who I could e.g. see in documentaries or so). I felt like I could understand them somehow, and felt some sort of connection. Over 30 years after that, I'm starting my journey of discovery to my autistic self.
For me the funny thing is masking at least at work often creates a horrible feedback loop when I do it reasonably well.
1. People like me and want to get to know me better.
2. This puts more pressure to mask more and think of more acceptable things to say/do.
3. Inevitably I will mess it up in some way and the same people that wanted to know me better are suddenly rude to me.
To be honest I personally don't even mind being left alone for the most part, it's less stressful than feeling like you're spinning 100 plates to entertain others.
That "deadly cycle" is familiar to me.
Sometimes I wish I were less good at masking, because then I wouldn't find myself in that cycle - people wouldn't be "tricked" into thinking they want to get to know me.
Is that what happens to me? I mask fairly well, and people tend to like me initially and then eventually they just go... I didn't realise I was really masking especially as a kid and I'd eventually start to be myself just naturally but I never connected that with them not being my friend anymore...
I keep being unsure if I'm on the spectrum/likely I won't get diagnosed now, but this comment is so beyond relatable to me. I do feel more at peace just not trying to socialize, just engaging with people as it happens, not really wanting friends, and I like keeping to myself anyway.
Same here ... Now I'm not talking at all with two colleagues who think I'm rude ... And yeah, at the end I couldn't pretend more and when I showed how I felt they didn't respect the limits ... Now I think that I should have been myself from the beginning... better to avoid all this .
Definitely recognise this from my life. Undiagnosed but identifying as autistic. 68 yo female.
I was diagnosed at 38 after developing C-PTSD from masking my whole life - without even knowing that I was masking or autistic. I’ve learned that my situation is pretty common unfortunately. I’m glad diagnosis is much better now than when I was a kid in the 90s.
Not judging or anything, but was the cptsd because of the masking and what lead you to your autism diagnosis or things just sort of lined up that way? I'm try to decide why, in my thirties, I started to feel super exhausted, then get diagnosed with ADHD, ptsd, and autism in my early 40s.
Thank you for sharing.
@@bluenymph2887 No worries!! I love taking about psychology. My C-PTSD diagnosis actually led to the autism diagnosis - because both disorders share A LOT of symptoms. They’re actually very similar and undiagnosed/late diagnosed autistic adults very commonly have a co-morbidity of C-PTSD.
I’ve seen a lot of very extreme trauma in my life, but whenever I’d think back to why I was feeling traumatized, those events didn’t ever feel like they were really to blame. I’m pretty good at processing traumatic events in a healthy manner. I always felt traumatized by the isolation of feeling different and “weird”. Now that I understand the link between C-PTSD and “high functioning” autism, it all makes perfect sense.
If you’re “masking” to fit in with neurotypical people and you don’t even know what masking is or that you’re neurodivergent, that’s REALLY going to mess you up.
Same!!
We share the same story...my CPTSD diagnosis led to the ASD diagnosis and honestly, that autism diagnosis day felt like my birthday! There was a reason for my "weirdness" I started coming across other autistics on TH-cam and stopped feeling like a solitary alien with all these odd quirks and ways to limit chances of burnout, meltdowns and the ensuing depression. I was reborn on that day and now, I'm learning that being ME is OK ❤
I mask through being quiet. I made a poem about it:
I do not mind sound.
I enjoy the water when it is pure and smooth.
I enjoy when it is sweetened, and even made bitter.
The diverse feelings can make me feel better.
There are always abrasions.
There will always be abrasions.
But I do not mind.
I do not mind sound.
What bothers me is not the natural impurities
That gives the water spice and life.
What I mind is the pollution of lies.
That is what gives me strife.
When poison disguised as sweet golden honey
Is dumped into my streams
Through purpose or ignorance it does not matter
For though I have no mouth, it makes me scream.
I could have a mouth.
I could rise up and take what’s mine.
But then I would be the disturbing moth
Taking what is “thine.”
Thus, I can never let known what is felt.
For fear of my own health.
What is that? Who am I?
Why, I am the river itself.
I am the river you poor your lies into.
That you pollute without a thought.
I care not that you knew not
When I am so close to your own selves.
You did not know I was a river?
Well, what else would I be?
Something so silent and cold.
Something to carry your sins downstream.
I do not mind sound.
Only when it is a burden.
When it breaches my serenity
And touches my conscience.
I do not dislike the connection.
In fact, it is something that I enjoy.
But when the connection is only a siphon,
That is what makes me coy.
I want your community, not your pity.
If you will not provide me company,
Then leave me to be lonely.
I do not mind sound.
In fact, I like it just fine.
But when the sound is just as draining,
I will choose silence every time.
I f**king love this so much. Every single thing describes how I feel about what's happening in my life but I'm too caught up to say. Cos I'm being that person in the poem. I love the sound of distortion. Messy, busy, loud ratchet sounds. It's when I can feel it trying to taint or control my experience that makes it not ok. I miss sound. Thank you so much for posting this. x
I lovee this
What a great poem! I really relate to it so much. It really puts to words the complex feelings that autistic people have. The things that usually don't bother me suddenly being overwhelming bothered me but realizing that I might be autistic too. There's that something about wanting company but abandoning it because of mistreatment from normal people due to being the odd one out. Kudos to this poem.
Beautiful,❤
I have to say that perceived pressures to unmask for some people who are late diagnosed, can be counterproductive. I was diagnosed at 59 years and I honestly think that my mask is as much a part of me as my autism. I doubt that I am capable of unmasking to any great extent. Masking does not cause me any distress, though it can cause exhaustion. However, how much the exhaustion is the result merely of socialising itself and how much is caused by masking, I couldn't say. Rather than than advocate unmasking, which may be impossible for some autistic people, I advocate being kinder to oneself. Avoid social commitments that you feel will be unpleasant, if possible get out of situations that are causing you distress, be it social overload or sensory.
Apparently for you masking works Well, great If IT does Not cause you distress, but for so so many IT does, Feeling Not Like yourself, that you can never Express yourself that there IS Always an invisoble Wall between you and Others . . .that can BE extreamly distressing. Maybe your Mask does.not need to BE that different from WHO you are maybe you are Just really good managing IT and Mask and unmask all the time when needed . . .Not everyone has crazy visable stimms that need to BE forced down after all . . . .
But for me, the relationships where I have to heavenly Mask are those I avoid, cause ITS hell for me and them. I rarely ever have co tact with my Foster mother cause despite of US Loving eachother IT IS Just so hard to BE around her and trying to force myself into way to tiny plastic shoes, Police every fraction of my Expression and Turn around every word in my mouth thrice by having to make the whole Thing Look Natural, AS If nothing was wrong IT IT were a delight so BE around her
Also, for some of us, unmasking and skill regression can be extremely dangerous! I unmask as much as I am comfortably able to, but I am a level 2/medium support needs autistic. I was forced to learn how to live almost entirely independently because my parents believe autism can be cured with discipline and violence. I do not have a caretaker. I do not have the money to get assessed. I am not on disability. I already struggle to maintain independence because working just enough hours to survive leaves me exhausted and struggling to keep up with household chores. Too much unmasking and I risk losing my independence. And again, I have nobody to care for me. I would be causing my own ruin.
I have really enjoyed how we have evolved our discussion and thoughts about this topic. It's good not to see it as a black and white (either/or) line of thinking. Sometimes masking helps, and sometimes it helps to unmask. I suppose the key is finding a balance.
@@LilChuunosukeI relate to your struggle. I cannot afford to unmask either. In this economy??? I have to be in uncomfortable situations to survive each month. No family support besides some money and food here and there. Unmasking is a privilege. I would love to not be exhausted, but that's just reality. I give myself as much grace as I can. I obviously try to avoid high-masking social interactions. It's just not always a choice, but a necessity to mask.
@@LilChuunosuke I don't think that's the point you're making it out to be. Independence is nice but hurting yourself for it? Your comment is more an expression of how the system fails disabled folk than a reason why you need to mask. The point is you shouldn't have to do that, you should have access to accommodations and care. Not necessarily a live in carer if you don't need that but someone who maybe does your shopping, or your cooking or cleaning.
The post-diagnosis "no, look, I am actually weird, I promise that I'm weird, look at all this weird stuff that I've done" is extremely relatable. Almost as much as the Jekyll and Hyde comparison.
To me unmasking means being honest with myself, and allowing myself to be honest with others if it makes me feel better.
I have told many lies due to being audhd, because it seemes more believable to other people. Like saying, that I forgot my homework, rather than saying I obsessed and stressed about it all day long, but couldn’t get started.
The question is then, if I feel safe to be more honest, but oftentimes i feel that I actually do.
It is also part of healing to realize, that I today have agency in a way I didn’t have as a child.
I am turning 46 in March... i just found out this year, that im autistic, and my score on the CAT-Q was 137. Something that shocked me immensely. All i could think about the entire time i was taking it was, "well, everyone does this... right?". My masking got so good that i had to retake several evaluations, because i answered them as my adult self, constantly masking... and not how I would have, when i was young, before i learned to mask. Absolutely shook me... learning that the internal dialogue I was constantly having with myself ( dont make eye contact too long, keep your hands still, make sure you nod along so they know you're paying attention, dont let your eyes wander, etc...) wasnt what everyone else experienced. I honestly thought all my adult life, that everyone felt/interacted that way... now i know why 2 hours with friends, is more draining to me than a 2 hour workout alone.
I can relate to this. I took the CAT-Q recently and scored 144. I've talked to my husband about my concerns, and hopefully, I can get an evaluation. I highly suspect I've been autistic and ADHD my whole life without knowing it. Money was an issue when I was a child, so even if my mom suspected something, we wouldn't have been able to afford it, not to mention it would have been the early 90s, so girls getting diagnosed was generally unheard of. And as a teenager and young adult, I was just "lazy."
My entire upbringing my mother constantly told me to disregard my own feelings and perceptions. I was completely un-personed by her and it caused an avalanche of relationship problems. If i wasn't so stubborn i wouldn't be here anymore. Distrusting yourself in every thought, perception and opinion you have is so debilitating. It's an existential dread I've only recently started to escape
❤ Same. 😢
Just know that you are perfectly okay the way you are, you know who you are, try your best to not doubt it, I had a very similar experience with my mother and it just destroys confidence so much.
I have Class 3 ASD, I was diagnosed at birth, my whole family is Autistic, I don't mask at all, and I am a survivor of a successful suicide (I died). My personal philosophy is this: those who will not accept you the way you are do not deserve to be in your life. That includes friends, sex partners, spouses, family members, employers, business partners, strangers in grocery stores, and everyone else. Through death I learned an important thing: NOTHING in this world is worth fussing, struggling, and suffering for. It is all pointless anyway. So we might as well relax and be as happy and satisfied as we can be.
I do not fawn. I am very confrontational. Many people who have met me think that I am a crazy bitch. How do I know? Because they told me! :) I ask flat out - you got a problem with Autistic people or something? What do you have to say for yourself then? We should not have to change ourselves to be loved. We are very lovable just the way we are :)
Amen!!!
you died ? like how do you mean. you seem alive ish sorta..!
@@chinmeysway Thanks :) Clinical death, brain was without oxygen for 15 minutes, 10 days of coma, 2 months in ICU connected to full life support, loss of 60% of blood mass, rupture of most blood vessels, dark purple skin covered in black and dark red stains, black toenails and fingernails, black whites of eyes, black gums and other mucus surfaces, people swaying away from me outside because I looked like a horror movie character - that's how it went.
There must be different ways of diagnosing outside of the US. In the US, if someone is Level 3 they won’t be able to write, or even communicate clearly. In which country were you diagnosed?
@@prodigalson1870 I was diagnosed in Russia. There were 4 levels. Level 4 was called non functioning Autism. It is Class 3 ASD in USA.
Who told you that Class 3 ASD people cannot write and communicate? I know other Class 3 ASD people who can write and communicate. We have high support needs, that's all.
For example, I require sensory friendly environment and alternative communication.
If I have those, I function perfectly well without any outside assistance.
If I do not have those, I cannot exist without significant outside assistance. I become 100% non verbal, completely lose ability to comprehend spoken speech, cannot care for myself, remain in a state of perpetual cognitive failure, and suffer one life threatening seizure after another and one meltdown after another.
It is all a matter of accommodations and support, isn't it?
What level are you at?
When I drink alcohol it has the opposite effect on me. I become pretty much a statue. It's as if my brain is like, "Okay, something is wrong right now. We have to be extra careful now. Don't move! Don't talk! Don't even breathe without thinking it five times over!"
Yeah, drinking feels exhausting!
my experience exactly - that's why i stopped drinking decades ago
thats me when i smoke weed - i tried it at a few parties and was like nope, i need to leave immediatley
This is why I can only drink in scenarios where I am in a “safe space.” I enjoy it….when I can be myself without fear or pressures. And never will I ever go beyond tipsy. Did that a few times in my adventurous thrill seeking years and nope. I have to maintain some level of normal function for it to not start a panic spiral.
Drinking is usually more stressful than not drinking, because I'm hyper aware that I have less physical control. That may be why people said I didn't seem drunk, even though I definitely was. I rarely drink because it isn't enjoyable for that reason. But I did have fun drinking a little when I went on an excursion during vacation to an island in Mexico. It was at the beach, I was with my best friend and they had tacos, it was great. Alcohol also tastes terrible.
So many people have taken advantage of me in my life. Thankfully therapy has helped me to start saying "no" and to stop gaslighting myself and stop putting up with gaslighting from others.
When I was a kid, apparently the favorite pastime of other kids was to tell me something I didn't care about, and when I acknowledged them, they got to laugh about how gullible I was for believing dumb stuff. I didn't believe one way or the other, I just didn't care.
honestly i would love to and been doing that lately in public but then i had an argument with my mom on our way home who told me to keep on masking because she feels embarassed at me, i have a very monotone way of speaking with very little to no facial expressions and appearantly i come off as "rude" even thought it's never my intention and it really hurts that this is how i'm precieved. my mom even told me that the seller in the glasses shop behind my back started "making weirded out faces" when i spoke as i observed the glasses frames. it's really hard to be accepted by society if you are neurodivergent or have anything remotely different trait about your persona and i just wish it'd change :(
I had the exact same problem. My family would just interrupt me or cut me off completely.
I feel this too… I’m sorry you don’t have a decent support system. ❤
The audible stress noises from going over past socialisations in your head - yes! I 100% do that, always thought it was a sign my brain was wired wrong - now I’m startling to learn it’s just wired differently and there’s nothing to be ashamed about :)
I got so tired from half of the people telling me I'm a weirdo or "mental" and others telling me there's nothing wrong with me...but I always knew I was different and that I had to "pretend" I was OK or people wouldn't like me. It was exhausting! My mum used to say that the poem: "there was a little girl, who had a little curl right in the middle of her forehead. When she was good, she was very, very good, but when she was bad, she was horrid" was about me. (Thanks for the CPTSD mum! 😂)
Being diagnosed autistic in my 50s has been like being born again, with acceptance of myself for the first time in my life.
I could so relate to every point you said. I am also asexual and have face blindness so I have been the victim of several sexual assaults in my lifetime. Knowing why I am the way I am is such a relief! It also explains why so many people I just "click" with are autistic. 😂
We were told from very early on that we _are_ wrong, while others are being told that they _do_ wrong. While others are removing or suppressing bad behaviours to fit in, we try to do the same with our very person and being. People think that masking is all about adding a protective layer outside of ourselves or pretending to be someone else to fit in. It's not. We don't try to hide our faces, we try to cut them off.
I think most people are not actually telling you that you are wrong. They think they're just teaching you how to behave in society, etc.
Because you know that whatever they're trying to "correct" is really a part of who you are, you hear it as being told that you are wrong for being yourself.
I'm not trying to make excuses for the people who hurt you. I think that's morally wrong to do.
I am trying to explain why education might be really important. Caregivers like parents and teachers should have enough education and understanding to know when they are crossing this line. It's a very important line.
My unmasked self talks about things that people find "too intense". I often still say things that I regret later.
I very much relate to this. I like to have deep conversations, but I guess I get too deep too quickly. People want to chit- chat, and I want to hear about their dreams and fears. Or discuss an existential question. Or debate the tenants of justice. Really, just any meaningful conversation. Nobody wants to hear that 😂.
This. So much this. That I'm "intense" is something I've heard far too often in my life when I _don't_ mask.
I'm not even diagnosed, but the more I hear from people who are, the more convinced I am that I am actually undiagnosed autistic, or at minimum neurodivergent in some very real way. When I was growing up, the criteria and wider knowledge about symptoms would *never* have caught me.
I've spent my whole life (more than 5 decades) masking, with almost literally everyone. It's been exhausting, and I recently just stopped bothering, regardless of the consequences (which I'm sure anyone knowledgeable about this subject can reasonably predict).
Totally me too!!!
Oh good grief yes! Same here! Things I mention in passing to people during a convo will shock them so deeply they tell me to shut up then they leave the room. Later they're cold and often outright rude to me, and it takes me forever to figure out what the hell is the problem? And of course from their viewpoint the problem is me :| I've learned the hard way to just shut up and stay shut up because when I've shared my lived experience, it's often too traumatic for them to hear :( Apparently I've got some tripley-distilled nightmare fuel bottled up inside. I also absolutely freaking hate it when bosses want us to all to "share something about yourself" in meetings with new employees.
@@janelmarie7571 I really relate to this, all of what you said. I joined an in-person group recently though, and whenever a discussion started to go deep, the organiser would make some joke to try and make things light again. I have my doubts that the organiser is autistic though he says he is.
So I'm a 34 woman. The doctor I have had since has finally retired, and the person who took over the practice told me they thought I was autistic upon our first meeting! They're sending me for testing. I blurted it out to my family at xmas because they were picking on me for being weird. They said some not so nice things about it. Things I heard people say that had been said to them about autism, but I wasn't convinced real people would say them. Jokes on me. I hadn't planned on telling my family about it, but I felt like I was somehow lying to them. I like being honest. I'm always complaining about not feeling like myself and being chronically exhausted, masking makes sense.
I was diagnosed at 35. When I told my aunt, she said “no wonder you’re so weird”. I simply replied, “I’m perfectly normal among MY people. In fact, we think you guys are the weird one.” My psychologist was so proud of me.
@@houki8636 I LOVE THIS! Let's print that on a t-shirt and mass produce it, lol. 😆💕
@@marzettik My psychologist was really fascinated by my response and I told her, the diagnosis gave me the confidence that I’m not the odd one out there and that there are many out there that feels the same way I do. I’m so glad I found MY people and we are able to share our experiences online. I wish you all the best. It doesn’t matter if your family doesn’t accept you for who you are. You still have us 😁. We know what you are going through and we understand you.
For a number of reasons - not the least of which being my autism - the only people that I have contact with are my coworkers. It is exhausting to constantly hide who I am but a recent meltdown at work demonstrated why it's so very important. Everyone freaked out that i was so "different" and acted as if i was a liability. I haven't been totally excluded, but it's clear that I have lost trust... because I couldn't mask long enough. Ironically, the masking is one of the things that leads to me melting down; it's a double-edged sword.
I know just what you mean
Partially from growing up as a female and partially because of autism and low self-esteem that politeness has gotten me in trouble. Including an experience that could have become a sexual assault! I truly believe that my extreme reaction (screaming NO! and physically pushing him away) to getting grabbed and taking advantage of his surprise to run out of the empty store saved me from a much worse situation.
'Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.'
- French philosopher Albert Camus
I like to have this quote on my wall as a reminder. Stay safe and happy folks.
It’s a full time job man😊
Masking is indeed taxing, but it sometimes beats the alternative. That said, I went to a job interview last week and it took me two days to physically recover from the burnout. My constant mental replay of every single detail is only now just starting to fade. The interview lasted for about an hour and a half, during which time, although I like to think I'm fairly well versed in masking, I found myself starting to unravel after only a short time. My answers became overly long, detailed and meandering, and I found myself struggling to remember all of the different things I had to do to appear convincing. The worst part was when we were joined by the company owner, who inanely asked me, "What is your dream job?" At that point, I just wanted to get up and leave. Not surprisingly, I never heard back from them.
I feel you I also think Job Interviews are terrible especially when people dont know you and your Work. I counsel employers and everytime Job Interviews come Up I try to get them to Shift from Interviews to Just letting people try Out. We are Not the only ones that cant handle Job Interviews Well.
God how I hate job interviews. There was one where I managed to mask just fine through the interview, but the manager insisted on doing a roleplay to test my skills after I'd been at the job for a few weeks. I HATE roleplaying. I can answer any question, describe past scenarios where I failed or succeeded, detail how I'd handle hypothetical situations, but I CANNOT roleplay. Nothing makes me feel more scrutinized, judged, stupid, and humiliated than roleplaying. I would honestly rather shove railroad spikes under my toenails than roleplay, it is that uncomfortable and distressing for me. Anyway, I tried to get through it cause I really needed the job, but after a few minutes I just broke down in tears. One of the most embarrassing moments of my life lol. Thankfully that manager was very kind and understanding, she'd already seen me perform well so she didn't fire me. Still though, UGH!!!
@@daughterofsekhmet81 That's terrible. Hopefully she gained enough insight from the experience that she could re-evaluate her behaviour and decide that, in future, she wouldn't blindly expect people to act like performing seals at a circus.
i hate job interviews. they're so tiring. "what is your dream job?" a question i never have an answer to because i don't have one
I remember when I was a kid I would often wish my life was a dream and I was actually just a baby that was having a vision of how my life would be and i would be able just course correct and be able to act normal.
well, the rich and overpriveledged are kinda that way.
Me too! I used to pray that one day when I went to bed, I'd wake up and find that I was four years old again and be able to use my experiences I learned in this life to improve my real one
I wished I was a dog. Their lives seemed easier.
@@PandaHopeful Well you were a dog at some point. Their is no going back. and thats a very difficult thing. No going back, no course corrections, no daydreams can make it better.
@@LilChuunosuke I still have this idle fantasy of "once I invent time travel" all the things "I'm going to do" differently "this time through" now that I know better. Heck, even without actually reliving life moment-by-moment, if I could just give my past self at a strategically chosen stage of life like an hour or less of verbal advice, just about what to focus on and what not to worry about, not even any specifics, that alone could have a huge butterfly effect.
Every time I hear "you don't look autistic" I want to scream. It's so frustrating when people don't understand how years of serious trauma can force people to hide things and act "normal" and gaslight someone for their trauma. "I don't see your trauma so your autism isn't real". Thanks.
I SO related with what you said about how hard it is to unmask or 'come out as autistic' to people - especially at work. I work on a corporate learning & development team and we mainly teach behavioral and leadership skills. My autism makes me very good at the technical and logistical parts of my job and because I understand the content and can teach these behavioral skills, some people on my team have a hard time believing I struggle with this stuff. I've tried to explain that the REASON I understand the content we teach is because I've spent SO MUCH time studying human behavior in an attempt to mask effectively. I know what "empathic listening" looks like, I know how to mirror high-trust behaviors, I know the right words to say and the right way to position my body because I've spent YEARS memorizing all of those things to try and "look normal"
That bit where you talked about wanting to be an extrovert hit home for me. I've been recovering from a burnout period for the last two years, and the last two things I did in my life were all heavily leaning into extroversion and high socialization. It resulted in me being bullied, ostracized, and singled out more than I was even back in high school. I'm so tired. I just wish I could find a job that wasn't making coffee, serving customers, and cleaning toilets.
Regarding the misunderstandings around minute 14, this really hit home.. I think I can accidently stare at people or be too nice and people get frightened away, when all I want is a friendly conversation. I'm getting better at being 'casual' though.
Also, it helps to have all these examples because I've never really been sure what people are talking about when they use the word 'masking'
This a very important video. I didn't get diagnosed until I was 30, and started masking heavily when I got to secondary school in an attempt to fit. In my twenties I went to a kind of college in abroad to study songwriting on a fairly relaxed course in terms of academics. But, I was burning out from all the socialising through living in dorms. All I knew was that I was ill and anxious all the time, and it's only in my thirties that it all makes sense. I was actually incredibly popular at the college, and the only thing people really noticed was my being ill all the time. You can't judge a person based on their ability to mask, and masking can end up creating worse problems than the ones your masking is intended to manage. Definitely always look for balance if you feel you need to mask.
When I was younger I disliked being drunk. I felt like I had built up all these inhibitions over years for a reason and felt like I was no longer in control when drunk
The loss of self control is a big one for me too, thats my reasoning word for word as to why I don't drink.
when I did drink I felt pretty in control but that I had a plausible excuse to shed my inhibitions and not hold back everything. I could just say it's the alcohol, I mean that behavior is the sort of thing you expect from someone that's drunk, no?
18:01 you mention a “fragmented identity” due to masking and I really like the way you chose these words. I felt so different that I thought for awhile I may be developing DID of some sort. Does not help that I dissociated a lot due to overstimulation and that being how I avoided meltdowns, as they felt dangerous in the environment I was in.
With regards to addiction, it isn't just drugs or alcohol. Food can become an addiction. As a child my most certain source of comfort was food, it was far more reliable than unpredictable people. No one in my life wanted me as I am but there was always the refrigerator and pantry. I'm still struggling with this to this day given my lack of trust in those around me.
The way I sobbed through this whole video. Living as an autistic person my whole life but not knowing until a few years ago has been a lot. Having you to help me validate the parts of myself I've been hating for 40 years is such a blessing. Thank you so much for doing this. I am so much kinder to myself since finding your channel.
the "flat expression" hits so close to home. 😆 Yeah, I have been told by a guy I used to know that he liked going to the store with me because I always looked like I would kick someone's .. britches, to keep the language clean, so people left use alone. At uni, I knew a girl who, bless her, used to always try to get me to smile more. She was an angel.
sadly, i can relate to that.
same, I was told by my father that if I don't start smiling more no man would find me pretty growing up...mind you I was 9 + little does he know I'm a lesbian🤭
Yeah, I was told every other week by my stepmother that if I was going to arrive with such a rude face, I might as well not come back. Anyways, I was a child moving between parents and being antagonized constantly by her, she expect me to come in laughing?
Well clearly expressions are just that, cause you're way nicer than me. When I was a kid my dad's girlfriend would always try to get me to smile, infuriated me then, and I had a professor who tried to make me smile all the time last year and it infuriates me still
@@LangkeeLongkee If it were anyone else trying to get me to smile more I likely would have been far more annoyed. But she and I became friends fairly quickly, she was very kind to me. I sometimes wonder if we wouldn't have dated if she had not been an exchange student. When I visited her in her country (thanks to a trip through the university) she took me to her favorite date spot in her city.
When you said that about being too nice to people and not always wanting to it made me well up. That's all too real to me. I have been abused since I was 3 years old by so many people and in so many ways. Really, with my recent gained understanding of autism and realizing that that is that freaking word I never knew was what it was to describe the thing that Fs me up all the time (Heavy is that revelation) there were even more abusers than I realized. I'm a 41 year old gruff looking guy that always looks mad and pretty much stays quiet. All the while my brain screams. I've battled with substance abuse in the past. I have since let those vices go. I appreciate your content Megan. I owe you a long email.
Hi Robert,
I hope you have kind people around you now, and are able to heal.
I feel for you. You describing yourself (gruff looking, quiet, while the brain screams) really hurts to read, I feel like I've felt that too. I wish I could hug you, or do something else to give you calm.
I wish you all the love and respect from people, because you deserve it!
❤🩹🫂
Hello Amaris,
Your comment made me smile a tear up. I’d take that hug, probably have a breakdown and want to talk way too much. I don’t have much support. Anyone I’ve tried to confide in absolutely doesn’t understand. Their feeble little NT brains think telling me nothing wrong with me is somehow helpful. I’ve been suppressing and internalizing so much and have learned to mask so hard that I honestly don’t even know who I am. I’ve come to realize I masked even when I was alone because I so badly just wanted to be “normal”. I could go on for ages. Anyway, Amaris, thank you. You really made my day. Knowing someone on the earth gave a darn for a bit brings me some happiness. I hope you have a wonderful day. If you ever find yourself near St Louis MO, and the universe crosses our paths, that hug would be most welcome. 🙂
Sometimes people take advantage of kindness. Being overly helpful is 50% me 50% mask. Not being able to say no lead me to a severe burnout. Which lead me to start the assessment for autism. Now i start to realize how much i was taken advantage of. Especially in friendships and work. I forgive them because i believe God. But im learning how to be myself and to not be walked on. If i get bad reactions so be it. Ive been bullied a lot growing up and even on my 1st job...so i dont care anymore. I hope you can somehow repair the damage and hurt in your heart and mind. That we rewire the anxious and negative reactions and mask less. Wish you the best.
We have very similar lives. Stay strong.
I'm an autistic education major who volunteers at a kindergarten class, and I'm noticing how much I mask when I'm around those kids, even though I genuinely do enjoy interacting with young people. Like you said in your video, I've gotten so used to being agreeable, ignoring my own desires, and submitting to the authority of other people that I feel like I'm always in the wrong and I can't say no to people... which, you can see how that's going to be a problem if you want to be a teacher, or any kind of leader!! I feel like I can't tell any of the kids to stop doing things that are disruptive or disrespectful because I'm so used to practicing a fawning response. I'm starting to realize that if I want to be an education leader, I need the mask off very badly, but I don't have any idea how to go about doing that at all. I feel like advice that might work for other teachers might not work for me, and I've come across so few autistic teachers that I don't know who to turn to for advice.
Are there any other autistic educators, leaders, people in charge, even parents, perhaps? How are you able to let go of this tendency to neglect your own needs, so that you are able to address and correct harmful behavior in children that needs correcting?
I think that we need more autistic educators in the world, and my experiences give me a unique perspective both in the educational industry and in the autistic community. But sometimes it feels like it's impossible for me to even try to be an educator due to my social differences and difficulties. Am I the only one who feels something like this?
Hi! I'm an autistic assistant art teacher!!! I go to schools for an after-school enrichment class and am not a teacher that is constantly at any of them, so like you, I'm a bit more of a "volunteer". I actually find kids really easy to loosen up around because 1. Many autistic traits are traits children find totally normal and do all the time, and 2. Other traits they'll actually assume are just "because you're an adult". Like, they ALREADY find you weird and alien and silly because you're an adult and all adults are that way to them, but they also know they have to listen to you if you're firm with them. Firm but compassionate is my go-to. You absolutely do NOT need to perform for younger children. Older kids will be a bit rude but they're rude to everyone and will only be ruder to you if you act like you care what you think, so I think masking is seriously counterproductive with making them behave.
Let me know if you have any questions about any of that, I don't often see something where it's like "oh wait I'm actually capable of talking about this".
As for taking off the mask and not fawning-- I think you need to consider what's good for the children, what they need. They need boundaries. It's good for them. They're not heavily emotionally invested in acting naughty, this isn't a part of their ego, social role, personality, this is just like a puppy or kitten biting you too hard. Puppies and kittens have to play with other puppies and kittens and listen to each other yelp to learn how to not hurt each other! These kiddos are in the same place, developmentally! They're experimenting and playing and figuring things out and, while they might get annoyed in the moment when chastised, as long as you're FAIR and do your best to explain things and invite them to see it from kind places (you shouldn't break this toy because then you and others won't be able to use it, that cost money and is hard to replace, it's not fair, you wouldn't want someone to do that with your things, etc etc) I think they're actually hungry for this kind of lesson. It's important and enriching for them to be taught these things in a thoughtful way. As long as you don't come at it with cruelty or while refusing to explain anything, you're doing them a favor.
Another thing to consider as a reason to not be passive and fawn, is that the quieter softer children in your classes will seriously appreciate it when you gently keep the troublemakers from getting too rough and entitled. If something is bothering you it's probably bothering some of the other kids, too. I was that kid myself when I was young, in classrooms where teachers let kids get away with stuff, and it was always unpleasant because I lacked the authority to stand up to them myself but a teacher would've had that authority.
One more piece of advice if you feel bad about scolding them is to try when possible to redirect and not simply shut down. When a kid's being rowdy it's usually because they're bored and understimulated and looking for something to do, and the game they happen to make up is just unproductive, but could absolutely be shifted into a more productive direction.
I'm an autistic teacher who taught 3rd grade and the best way I found to let go of neglecting my own needs was to voice to the class when I started feeling that way. Saying "I'm getting overwhelmed because of the noise in here", "I need to take a movement break", etc. was so helpful. Also I've found that working with younger kids makes me fawn/mask/neglect my needs. I watch 2 year olds now and spend my days stimming :)
It’s so hard the cycle thing is so relatable and I’m in the middle of the isolation from people part and slowly going back into I want them to like me. No one believes that I’m autistic anymore all because I used to mask very well(still sadly do out of habit) and now that I’m trying to be myself more often and showing my true self they are weirded out and think I’m making it all up all because I watch videos like yours it is so sad and I become super depressed because of them not believing me because “I’m too smart to be autistic” like whatever the heck that means
It means you're smarter than boys who aren't capable of "masking". Congrats.
My ex-roommate was really bad and took advantage of me all the time because I thought they were my friend, and I wanted to be helpful to them and refrain from having any fights. So I often wouldn't bring up things they did that upset me or if they got huffy (which they often did) I wouldn't push issues, especially in regards to money since I paid for almost all the bills and half the rent and they didn't really pay for anything besides their half of the rent. Then they would claim I was mooching off them. It got really bad, and they wouldn't do their chores and even tried to lie and say they could evict me from our apartment, but I know a lot about renting laws and they just assumed I wouldn't know, even though we went to the same university and got the same degree and I even went on to get an M.A and they didn't. They tended to infantalize me and treat me like a child. Like I wasn't older and more experienced in life than them.
Is there a chance you could also do a video about thinking in memories if it’s true for you? I didn’t realize it was common for autistic folks to think this way until I heard someone I Abby’s Family (Abby From Love on the Spectrum). Initially when she was verbalizing things instead of saying she was mad she would say the memory of what she was doing or where she was. Her mom (with help from experts) basically connected all the instances she kept describing and realized she was mad in all of those moments was able to help her attach the word to use for how she was feeling. In a similar way, all of my humor is connected back to memories I’ve had. Every time I see a blue sky white fluffy clouds I hear ‘you’ve got a friend in me’ and see the Toy Story wallpaper in my mind. When people speak I’m often thrown back into a song that’s phrasing may have been similar or a quote from a movie. Etc. (there is more but it’s a lot lol) There is a theory floating around that a lot of the autistic experience may be linking what we are experiencing in the moment to the past or our memories. Which obviously allistic people do as well but not to the same degree because they tend to be able to be in the moment more presently and not as in their head? I was wondering if you had any thoughts on this topic! Great video btw!
Watch ‘Dana Andersen - How autistic people THINK’ - it’s exactly what your talking about here
I relate to this a lot. Abbey also talks about how she “thinks in categories”. I do too. My brain is constantly making connections between things that aren’t necessarily connected in an obvious way. That’s where a lot of my humor comes from too. I’m able to very quickly make jokes or references about any given situation because it reminds me of previous situations - just like you do with Toy Story.
‘Dana Andersen - How autistic people THINK’ - explaining this topic
It's so funny you mentioned this.I'd love to see a video on that, too. I JUST saw another video about this, and didn't know it was in any way related to autism. I used to think of time as more circular than linear, if that makes sense. I still do in a way. And, I experience it in a way that's a bit loopy. At some point, when I ended up in DBT (which was actually incredibly helpful for depression & other things. I learned emotion regulation, got clean , learned a lot of communication skills & getting my behaviors to match better with my goals, & fixed a lot of internal problems). DBT is kind of like CBT where you kind of can rewire certain thought patterns that are like, harmful. So, for me, unfortunately, my loopy memories that came up were often extremely negative and stressful. It was contributing to severe depression & burnout and the pathways were like... hellish. Some loops I had to kind of get out of. But, what was cool, is that the positive memory loops or associations still hold. I remember loved ones & good memories that help me enjoy life. I thought it was cool that the bad memories (mostly) if they surface, I can shove off. The best thing that helps in those cases were mindfulness exercises or a grounding exercises. I still use them if I get "bad memory bombs" trying to drop in. But the good ones, I enjoy and they enrich my life.
Relate to this a lot!
I had a breakdown a few years ago that started the journey to my diagnosis last year. I'm still recovering from the mental and emotional burnout caused by decades of high masking, undiagnosed autism.
There are almost zero TH-camrs whose videos I let play through the credits and outro, but your outro music is so groovy and chill I want it to last longer!
You can include me in the ideation statistic as well, but thanks to finding your channel I hope to never feel that way again. Your 9 signs video helped me discover my autism at 25, and it's harrowing to realize that this world was not built with someone like me in mind this entire time, and my hunches of feeling alien were correct. Had I continued my life not knowing what was "wrong" with me, I could've genuinely gone down the wrong path. This has been the most freeing point of my life so far, but also incredibly daunting because my bad childhood memories now hurt even more than when they happened in real time. I'm deciding to stop masking to the best of my ability because it helps no one for me to accept myself, but still perpetuate behaviors I was bullied into having. This time I'm going to be brave. Thank you so much for sharing your story, you've changed my life and I can't imagine how many others :)
7:22 Holy shit, I feel so seen... I've identified this cycle in my own life, and it's a HUGE struggle. Every 2 or 3 years, I burn out and have to rebuild my life.
I got 141 on the CAT-Q. I tend to mask a lot when I'm in public (even at work where all my coworkers and boss knows I'm on the spectrum, heck the boss even has an autistic son and he's my biggest supporter but I still can't go there without masking) but I stim a lot at home. My parents are well used to my stimming (I think they both are undiagnosed autistic, especially my dad) so when I'm at their home, or in my apartment, I can stim all I want. But I hate that every time I leave my house I have to mask that heavily, it's exhausting...
Oh man, monotropicism... that's why when I am in the middle of doing something and anyone comes up to remind of something I know I have to get done alter I am done doing what I am doing sends me into a rage and I have to lecture them: "I have to do one step at a time, do not cloud my mind with anything else, the gears will bind and I can't get anything done. ONE STEP AT A TIME, STOP TELLING ME ABOUT SOMETHING THAT'S A THOUSAND STEPS AWAY! I'LL CROSS THAT BRIDGE WHEN I GET TO IT!!!!! JUST LET ME BE IN THE MOMENT AND FLOW, YOU ARE ONLY RUINING THAT!"
I once spent an entire summer smiling at everyone. At the end of the summer; I went to the dentist because my teeth hurt. Yeah, turns out I wasn’t smiling so much as I was gritting my teeth.
I haven’t masked today. And i felt great and calm. And people started asking me am I ok. Why am I not ok? I am not diagnosed as autistic. But I feel like I constantly have to mask. I find myself feeling like people what I say is being judge. Is it how I said it. And I most definitely feel like I have to mask being introverted. Sometimes being around others is draining,and I like calmness. But people treat me like something is wrong with me.
I've been experimenting with unmasking and upfront disclosure for two years now. The results are decidedly mixed. I've decided to try strategic masking in social situations with strangers (like scripted small talk, deliberate eye contact, not doing obvious stims etc) as way to avoid freaking people out and "othering" myself more than I'm already othered by autistic traits I have no control over / awareness of.
I'm hoping that this will reduce the stress of these situations, and gain the goodwill and cooperation of more neurotypical people than my previous strategy, or the instinctual masking I engaged in for 57 years as an involuntary unconscious survival strategy. It worked, for a while. At the cost of extreme anxiety and depression. In the end I suffered an emotional collapse that's lasted over a decade - one I'm still recovering from.
Maybe strategic masking will work, maybe it wont, but I'm going to try. At least I'll be aware of what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. I don't like being alone and cut-off from 98% of people (or whatever the true prevalence of non-autistics is). Humans are not built for social isolation. I'm not as healthy or productive as when I feel connected - maybe.
The last few years of isolation post diagnosis have been peaceful for me - but lonely. Disclosure, unmasking, and asserting my autistic identity has cost me several longtime friends I considered close, and that's been very difficult. Then again, not having these people in my life has opened up room for new and more accepting friends.
I'm looking to thread the needle by finding the middle path. I try to live without regret, and the things I regret most over the last 59 years are the things I didn't do because of self doubt, shame, and especially, fear.
I figure I can always withdraw again.
Masking starts in young life with parents being extremely critical and angry and frustrated because they can't predict or control your behavior. It's further exasperated by bullying in teenage years (and beyond), and completes itself with awkward romantic and sexual encounters. Once you've been through all that trauma, you're pretty well programmed to avoid more trauma from those things by acting like a neurotyoical person.
That's also where the people pleasing comes in, you've been so overly criticized that you feel your opinion, emotions, or perspective aren't as important as the rude person who's angry at you. Or perhaps it's not that you feel they're unimportant, but rather you believe everyone else feels that way.
I’m 19 and have masked pretty much my entire life, growing up undiagnosed due to lack of information of autism in my family. My masking got the most intense during high school (specifically before I started heavily researching autism) and it caused mental health issues that were really hard to deal with.
It caused me to feel as if I wasn’t a real person, feeling like a husk of a person, and that I didn’t have a personality. I remember hating myself because I felt that way and all I could ask was why? Why am I like this? Why am I so boring? I felt as though all my relationships/friendships at the time didn’t actually like me and would leave me at a moments notice.
This was by far the absolute lowest point of my life. Since then I have been working on masking less and, although it’s been difficult, I am making progress and feeling better about myself.
I've learnt so much since I discovered your channel. I'm 62 and I'm so burnt out that I just wanted to STOP. I'm needing a paradigm shift, what I've learnt from you has got me going again THANKS.
Yeah, I got the "you're the only one who hears/smells that" or "you're the only one with a problem." my whole life. I also got the "you don't smile" enough from just about everyone. I really don't think I smile more or less than anyone else, but it got pointed out in almost every social situation or at work.
People also get angry with me in most of the social interactions I have, and I've been told that I am ALWAYS in the wrong (not the jerks I interacted with).
As someone who could pass as a native speaker were it not for my accent: the foreign language comparison is spot on. I am very comfortable in english speaking countries, I almost don't notice myself anymore which language im speaking - until I'm back home and everything is just easier. Masking is similar. I learned to use my masked persona to my benefit when needed (eg in professional settings or when I just dont want people to know me anyway) and I'm comfortable in my mask and outside. But it took a long time to get there and knowing why I am the way I am did help.
While undiagnosed and clueless, I think going to a technical university to study physics may have been one of the best things to happen for my mental health. Sure the course load is tough and that was certainly stressful. But there was no competitiveness because there were fewer students than spots in courses and everyone was helping each other and just being supportive in general. That makes so much of a difference!
As will come as a surprise to absolutely nobody, the student body has a high percentage of ND folks. Never again have I encountered the kind of radical acceptance of weirdness and mutual support (no matter how "stupid" the issue) as I have among physicists at university. I guess that had to do with most of us just being used to not fully understanding everyone else so we probably didn't really pick up on the exceptional weirdness of our fellow students ;-)
I really loved this video, I think you've explained so clearly the issues with masking.
I'm not diagnosed but one issue I've had my whole life is the double standard in my home life.
As a kid I was always told I got upset too easily, that I cried too much and that I was too sensitive to 'jokes' and so I think that's always taught me to not listen to myself when I'm feeling hurt or uncomfortable.
As I got older I didn't always know when my 'friends' were making fun of me or bullying me, not only was it difficult picking up on all the social cues but I was so used to feeling so conflicted about the people close to me that I didn't realise there was anything wrong with feeling hurt and upset by your friends.
It's so frustrating because but when I went to my mum for help she would then complain that I was too nice and that I needed to stand up to myself. She spent my whole life teaching me to be docile and to not stand up for myself and blamed me for acting that way around other people.
I adopted the super-smiley, sweet persona as well and I honestly don’t know whether it’s a mask or whether that’s me. Its certainly easier to wear that mask if I’m in a good mood…if I’m depressed I have to avoid people because I can’t mask without a huge effort. Everyone thinks I’m so lovely and to be honest, I’m not always thinking lovely thoughts. I do have integrity though and a huge sense of guilt so I do the right thing as much as possible. Also once someone starts to cross my boundaries the sweet image completely disappears and the person gets quite a shock at the assertive person under the mask. I also attract attention from much older men….I’m 51 now and they’re often in their seventies!! I find it ridiculous!
You just described everything that bothered my about social anxiety that I could not find words for - you nailed it in laser sharp detail.
I used to always journal about how "no one knows my real self". Little did I know I was just masking
4:29…my CAT-Q, 137. I didn’t even realize I was camouflaging/masking. I have an excess of anxiety, but it’s always been there, and thought everyone had it.
Finally diagnosed at age 29, and after a lot of therapy. I looked back and saw all the horrible reasons I pushed further and further into the mask.
It was clear that I was different as a kid. And by no fault of my own I was targeted for many reasons. After each rejection and boundary crossed I learned more and more ways to shape shift. Hoping that would keep me safe.
It did in many ways. But, at a terrible cost as mentioned in this video.
The mental health challenges and self harm used to cope from the sheer exhaustion of masking.
Now as a grown woman I don't have to live my life that way anymore. And even if I do wear the mask from time to time I know why I'm doing it and it's from a different place. There's intention behind it and it makes it a little easier.
Thank you so much for all your videos.
3:53 I do this too, sometimes my wife hears and rushes in thinking I've hurt myself. Nope, just reviewing the footage
Mate Crime... That term just unlocked a freeze response I've been holding since 2018. Even struggled to believe I was a good person truly.
Now I am confident I'm Good, I was right, and I didn't deserve what happened. Friends, it happens, we CAN Heal!
re suicidal ideation, yeah, i too was 7 when i considered it. i would have waited til the parent's Rx bottle was newly refilled and then snuck down after bed and gulped down the whole thing. only two things stopped me: the thought of the unholy hell i would catch if i got caught before i could succeed, which would have been infinitely worse than succeeding, and the realization that it was a permanent solution to a very temporary problem if i could just stick things out until i could grow up and move out. so, yeah, kids--you'll have those thoughts, but please let them go. it will get better!
3:46 I can fully relate to that, I have a real problem with that sometimes. For me, if I'm not satisfied with the outcome of a situation or how it went (doesn't even have to be own experience, reading/hearing about it can be enough) that situation sits in my head and I go over it hundreds of times until I have in my head the perfect version of that situation.
And I recently got into a kind-of awkward situation when we worked in groups of four in class and we were done with the obligatory task. Two of my group just went silent and the other group member asked if we should do the second dask also, but because she had the leading role in my mental model (for me it's either I have to steer the situation or I follow whoever takes the initiative). So when she looked at me as if to ask "What do you think?" I just blankly looked back at her for a few seconds until my tired brain (I hadn't slept well the night before) realized that I was supposed to say something.
Later that afternoon, when I was done with everything and my mind had time to think about it again the situation just got stuck in my head and I was internally shouting at myself "How do you dare create an uncomfortable situation for her?" an similar things. So half an hour before midnight I sent her a text message over our learning platform and told her that the thought of having created an uncomfortable situation for her didn't let go of me and that I wanted to apologize if I actually did.
The next morning I get a notification on my phone that she answered, and she said that everyone sometimes gets into awkward situations and that it's no big deal. So I was getting mad at me for nothing XD
5:38 OMG, yes! When I began my ASD discovery journey I was talking to a friend about it and she was like, "NO, you're not autistic! I know someone who's autistic and YOU don't act like they do!"
I was so angry with her that I shut her out of my mind as being a friend for a while and didn't talk to her at all until I could show her how wrong she had been.
I was diagnosed with PDA recently with autistic traits. They are looking for a place to test me for ASD, finally. I think I do the masking thing, but I don't know what I do exactly. Nothing sticks out as of now.
Just how do I deal with removing the mask when it's become the only thing I know?
As per my other post here, I think that the concept of unmasking is not useful for some autistic people and that a perceived pressure to unmask can be counterproductive. I wouldn't know how to go about unmasking, and masking in and of itself does not cause me distress. Since diagnosis (very, very late) I have just been kinder to myself. I now know that my social and sensory limitations are real, and I do not force myself to live up to neurotypical standards. I know that I am a strong person, because I cope with problems on a day-to-day basis that do not exist for neurotypical people.
@@urseliusurgel4365 I think that's very wise.
Carefuly and Just looking what feels good or Not. Watch yourself whatever you do Something cause IT makes you Happy or IS authentic to you, of If you do IT to BE normal and please Others. Where you want to die Something but Tell yourself No cause what would Others think
@@urseliusurgel4365i feel Like you kinda compleatly Miss the Point of unmasking, you seem to See IT AS adding enother Mask but this time imitating Other autistic people to "Look"autistic instead of Just looking for what IS authentic to yourself, which IS basically being Kinder to yourself, allowing yourself to act or feel in a certain way that IS Just you, Not Something you force yourself to preform to Match someones expectations
bluezeffer417
Removing that kind of mask is not easy. M71 recently diagnosed 2 years. What has helped me feel better about myself is to try to separate my real self from the persona or mask I assumed. Some odd things stand out when I scan my past. Around 4th grade we were asked to talk about our favorite color. Green was my favorite but the school color was blue and most answers were blue so blue became my favorite color for many years. Now I wonder who I told what. Good Luck.
Thank you for have the words to express these experiences, and share your journey. Post-diagnosis, even with support the overthinking, and weight of now noticing Autism at work in my life, is intense and opened a new set of considerations (coming out, neurotypical folks diminishing your disability). Burnout is scary. Anyway thank you, this video gave me hope.
Asking people for advice here. I am 21 and an assistant manager of a bakery. I have an apartment with my boyfriend, dog, and axolotl. As I'm getting into adulthood I'm noticing that im not able to keep up, im always exhausted and scared. Every time I research I find more proof that im autistic and it terrifies me. I am reaching a breaking point where something needs to give but I cant validate my feelings enough to let myself make a change for the better. What do I do?
@el-is-odd, get a diagnosis.
Hi, hope you’re doing okay. I agree you should try to get a diagnosis if you can. Either way it’s important to find someone to support you before you burn out. Maybe a family member, a close friend or your boyfriend. Ideally you would also find someone to listen to you talk about your experiences and validate you. Do your best to listen to your own feelings and respect your own boundaries, but accept that it will be hard for you. Your internal experience of being at your limit and needing a change is valid, no matter what diagnosis you might have or not have. Still it would be helpful to know, but it’s okay to feel the way you feel no matter what.
That’s just my two cents from personal experience. I wish you all the unconditional acceptance and support you need!
@user-il9ij5wx3n 😢 thank you. I really needed to hear that haha. I dont have really any family or friends but since I commented I stepped down as manager and I'm on a list to be diagnosed. Thank you for your kindness ❤️
I used alcohol to cover the burnout feeling of masking all day and I just wanted people to see "real" unmasked me and also alcohol gives a solid excuse for missing social cues or my physical clumsiness. Also alcohol numbs the motor functions and reduced my desire to stim or made stimming difficult so I wouldn't standout...
I've used weed in the same way. Can blame it for being weird, oh he's just stoned. But at this point I'm not sure if I can take that mask off in public.
The data about the CAT-Q and scoring over 125 is a bit of a bummer, but not terribly unexpected I suppose.
The quote about the "constructed self" excelling and the true self withering is also so sad, but I love that quote.
My favourite "mask" is my camera. It has enabled to get into highly social situation (concerts, festivals...) And move around freely without seeming weird. Turns out it was probably an autistic response to doing something i like (meeting people, live music) that did before being diagnosed
I was diagnosed around my 2nd birthday. Nonverbal, was a very sickly toddler and had multiple allergies. I have been masking for almost 2 1/2 decades to the point I forget I'll actually always have it and walk through life no matter how old, rich or successful I end up. It's all about how you deal with it's and it's just having respect for people who might be different than you. We are just tired of being treated like outcasts and being mocked that's all
I believe I have been misdiagnosed as Bipolar 1 depressive since i was 10 years old. I have been watching your content and it has given me sufficient information through your perspective, that I have been suppressing my behaviors to suit my dysfunctional family that doesn't take mental health seriously and never had the knowledge and understanding to help people... like us. Like me. They would just shove me into psych wards so that they didn't have to deal with me. I have permanent psychological damage from the periods of forced isolation I was forced to endure... I can still hear the echo of my voice off those concrete walls... It haunts me.
Great video Meg, thank you for putting it together for us. Also, I loved the penguins, they made laugh they are so cute!
To me masking is like a heavy shield. I feel like I need it, I like the security that it gives me a guideline on what to do on social situations, a little list of what to do and not to do. It’s necessary, it’s useful. But it’s heavy, you get tired, sometimes it’s physically uncomfortable and if you don’t balance right it can really hurt you
I’m 36, still waiting on my ASD evaluation with insane wait lists and psychiatrist confirmed the ADHD earlier today (although I was diagnosed in 1993) and masking for as long as I can remember and have attempted suicide 8 times since the age of 15. I had my child solo at 31 after being ghosted and I leaned heavily on my parents and siblings for support. A couple weeks after I had my baby I had my first postpartum depression meltdown and shouted “get it away from me” to whichever parent could get to her first because I couldn’t handle anymore crying baby. My mom took her and my dad proceeded to tell me what a bad mother I am and that I should sign my baby over to them and leave forever because she’d be better off with me gone. Something he’d do at least once a month for the next 4 years and I genuinely believed him before I had enough of the bullying one day and thwacked the back sides of my fingers on his upper arm in self defence. The story of my first ever arrest aside, I allowed him to bully me and tear me down, convince me that I’m a bad mom when I’m not. I had to be told by a therapist and the man I was seeing (who is a STAR of a parent) that it was abuse and validating me in my motherhood, abilities and strengths for the first time ever. Next we tackle the CPTSD!
So many relatable statements in this video. I am not officially diagnosed but every assessment I take on my own shows me comfortably within the range. I experienced a rough year last year and finally took a vacation away two months ago. Since then, I have been paralyzed from burnout. The week break allowed me to finally pause, process the last year or so, and not be around anyone but my spouse. When I mention that I am probably on the spectrum (I hate to say that I am without an official diagnosis; I'm the same way with my autoimmune disorder), the people usually chuckle as though I am just joking around. It makes it hard to reveal true parts of myself for the very reasons you discussed.
What sucks for me as an undiagnosed autistic is that now that I'm in college, I find it a lot hard to socialize with others, especially when I went in without knowing anyone. It got to a point where I was doing so poorly in school that I broke down in front of my parents, they were aware that I'd been having trouble making new friends other than the small group I had last year as a freshman. I expressed that I don't want people to think I'm weird and since my dad works on campus, he intended to reassure me by saying that everyone is weird at my school. I understand what he was trying to get at and although I don't know what it's like for everyone else at my school, I don't think it's a normal occurrence to feel like you don't fit in to the extent of breaking down and crying.
i feel that. but it’s true - nobody all the way fits in with others magically. it’s why ppl adjust themselves to some degree behaviorally. our species is super adaptable. careful w the A word too - it’s pretty theoretical even if doctors have degrees. it can be pretty divisive to thinking that neurology fits into just a couple categories. not to be splainy. there’s already a lot of that on YT and it’s just mostly contentainment. it takes time but you’ll find ppl who like the supposed weird (interesting) parts about you. meanwhile maybe fitting in is again, also pretty theoretical and not always useful as cliques are limiting. it can be like behavioral echo chambers which lends itself to myopic group-think. but yes we all need 3-D community connection. good luck to ya in college etc.
I have only just started the video and have been reading the comments and I just wanted to say this video really made my day. I was at work feeling overwhelmed and I have been feeling a bit in shock at finding out I may be autistic ( because it’s like I’m seeing my past and present self completely different). These videos and this community helped me take the steps in doing my own tests and looking at books ( I just bought Chloe Hayden’s book recently) it feels like such a long road ahead of me and I felt a bit discouraged being 30 and only now beginning to find answers but I find so much comfort and feel like I’m seen within this community so thank you to everyone ( also sorry for such a long comment!)
0:55 Autistic folks have been told "they've recovered." IT'S NOT A DISEASE or illness! It's neurotype that can and should be respected. Being Autistic only becomes a problem when other people mistreat or neglect us for it.
I deeply relate to all of this - and appreciate you resourcefully sharing through these essays…!
Could I also share a small tip (or ask a favour, may be just me)…; Please allow some of the natural “pauses” survive in editing? Like between sentences, (breathing in) or topics?
What you convey is wonderful, so at times - as a listener - a “short second” of contemplation or reflection on my side let your narrative come alive.
So, that was my 40 years of audio engineering speaking - Don’t ever change anything you are or share… 😊
I used to have people taking advantage of me because I’d be stuck in people-pleasing mode, but they’d at some point trigger demand- avoidance in me and I’d shut it all down.
Recently diagnosed at 40, although it was well known I was 'different' and a 'child of high intellectual potential' (and would happily sit in corners writing out numbers that were multiples of 9 because PATTERNS, but I wasn't like the 'problem' children in school. I didn't need a 'teachers aide', got moved up several years in class - and try norming to a group that is hitting puberty when you're still a few years from being a teen! - , and they left me alone because I guess I wasn't bringing a machete to school or beating up other students with vacuum cleaner parts).
But, also a third culture kid partially raised in rural Philippines and mostly raised in suburban Australia as one of the only Asian kids in school for about 6 or so years, before the demographic started to change, a whole other kind of masking. Had to mask around extended diaspora family, because image to maintain, of family, of being a kid of a fundie mother, and any outward stimming activities would get a bit of a belting response from the father. So shutting down and hyperfocusing on learning was the safest although having a long face and not being social enough was still unacceptable and reflected badly on my family and community. If I couldn't shut up and keep my head down but still smile and be polite and accommodate all of the demands, then failure. yay.
It helps to have words for these kinds of experiences, like masking, PDA, autism, etc., when there have been layers of other things that I haven't quite found a way through. CPTSD? Bipolar? At this point in my life I honestly don't know how any of this can help. Still functional enough to scrape away at multiple jobs to keep a roof over my head, dysfunctional enough to not be able to keep up the facade for longer than a couple of weeks (or hours, really, but in this hybrid work world I can function for an hour and then retreat. Sometimes I will pick up a couple of days or so of hospo work, and then retreat back into picking up part time gig work where I don't have to talk to people). I don't know if I'm internally grieving over the lost potential that could have been nurtured and flourished with a proper diagnosis - I'm still dealing with the external backlash of the lost potential of not living up to the high marks or skipped classes, for not being a doctor by 21, for not finding a genius husband in my culture and pumping out a basketball team of genius kids by my 30s. It's a lot. So many norms that I can look at with interest and not know how to form to.
I find this kind of content validating, and yet painful to confront internally. Probably especially now as I'm in the middle of a cognitive burnout and I absolutely cannot because I have a job to keep where currently I can't function until I break every task into micro, micro steps that I can eek my way through. I'm glad I missed the TikTok boat because I watch commentators talk about the kind of micro-norms that platform produces and I think if I were younger and had more energy and cognitive space to try and hold that information, I would probably have tried several dozen aesthetics and fumbled attempts at a dozen or so dances by now, and probably gone temporarily viral for trying to impress a bunch of people by attempting to dance, and would have felt validated by the attention and taken time to realise that actually, the world is mocking me for that sharp, painful 15 seconds echoing in other people's feeds. I am probably going to regret posting this in about an hour and take it back. But I'm grateful that this is a space where people can at least be heard for a time.
I'm getting to a point where I am trying to slowly unmask myself. So it's hard because sometimes when I just let myself be me I feel like I'm drawing attention to myself. Which in turn makes it hard to be myself in public
I believe that I’m autistic and have recently realized that I’ve been EXTREMELY masking my whole life. Recently I’ve started unmasking, mostly with stimming more (especially flapping my hands). It’s been three days and I’ve already faced extreme backlash from my peers and I plan to re-mask.
TW: sh ⬇️
I believe that masking my whole life has led to my mental health issues. Whenever I’d do something “weird” or “annoying”, even if no one else thought it was weird or annoying, I would cut myself. I was clean for about a month, but very recently I did relapse (most likely due to me unmasking and then finding myself annoying/obnoxious). If you are ever thinking about cutting… don’t. It’s addicting, it’s terrible, PLEASE never do it, it’s not worth it. If I mask I feel like I’m not being myself and changing myself around every single person, which makes me want to cut. If I don’t mask I feel like I’m being way too weird, annoying, and obnoxious, and I want to cut. No matter what I usually end up relapsing, so PLEASE never ever start cutting. I started harming myself when I was 12