The 4 Types of Autistic Meltdown
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 4 พ.ค. 2024
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The Lived Experience of Meltdowns for Autistic People Study: journals.sagepub.com/doi/epub...
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Selective Mutism: embrace-autism.com/selective-...
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Aspergirls by Rudy Simone:
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DISCLAIMER: I am a second-year psychology student and a late-diagnosed #actuallyautistic individual. I am not a qualified healthcare professional.
How often do you experience autistic meltdowns and/or shutdown? The most popular answer in the study was once or twice a month, but there were lots of people who said they experience them once a year or numerous times per week too.
Hopefully this video will be helpful for those of you who aren’t sure if you have meltdowns and also makes those of you who do feel less alone. They can be really hard to talk about.
If you missed last week’s video, we discussed whether it’s appropriate to diagnose celebrities as autistic…
JoJo Siwa's Edgy 'Autistic' Rebrand:
th-cam.com/video/6CfAni1BIME/w-d-xo.html
And if you haven’t seen my video on monotropism, my favourite theory of autism, it might help you understand why autistic people become overloaded in the first place: th-cam.com/video/3mBbOOzhoGQ/w-d-xo.html
Thank you so much for being here! 💛💛💛 We’re on the koi fish guitar earrings today!
A lot, it isn't fun 😢 the first company that was "helping me" to find out if I had autism because I have realy bad symptoms and im struggling a lot they just said your probebly are autistic but we won't do a diagnostison I was so f*king mad and the next one that was a bigger company imidiatly pulled the bell
I like your earrings they are so cool
I get alot of shutdowns when im with more than 2 people for to long like 3-4 hours and i just die i cant talk i can only speak gibberish and im so tired and closed of
I experience them more some times than others. Some months I have them a bunch, like 5 times. Then I won't have them for months or even years. I think the amount I have directly relates to high stress or a bad emotional state.
its rare for me, i used to have them more often when i was in school, elementary school, then i begun masking and internalizing, then highschool when that kinda overflowed and i broke down, and had moments where i couldnt surpress them. now im an adult it happens very rarely, like i cant remember the last one i had
shut downs however i do experience regularly, but its hard to tell if its just a burnout or emotional exhaustion, but still.
Why is it always someone's random nephew that "prove" that someone else does not have autism?
I have a four year old niece who's neurotypical. She's nothing like the "neurotypical" adults I know, so clearly those adults can't *really* be neurotypical.
i think it's because they're distant enough to not feel personal (people usually dont live with their nephews) and therefore it's less uncomfortable to talk about ("We're not like That. That's not something that happens to Me or the people that live with me"), but also close enough to bring up in a conversation. I assume it's often a topic of conversation with family members ("So how's Daniel doing?") so they feel like they "know" about it more than other people do.
That is assuming that they're not lying ...
(i just realized this might have been a rhetorical question, oops...)
Or even grown up nonspeaking son (courtesy of a former therapist 🙃)
It has a similar energy to, "I have a friend of X minority, therefore I can't be discriminatory." They think it gives them a free pass.
it's because he is a boy, and they are going on typical traits that are found in profoundly autistic boys... It's so annoying because my daughter displays typical autistic traits in a toddler, but because she makes GOOD eye contact, "there is no way she is autistic" according to her social workers. I want to fucking scream at how uneducated they are. c:
I’ve been googling “uncontrollable weeping” and “why do I cry over nothing” every few months since I got my laptop 14 years ago. But the results were all about grief or depression, which was profoundly unhelpful.
child me thinking that I had some kind of condition that just made my eyes more watery because I had no idea why I cried so much-
@@amberr3662 oh my god sammeee
Me too! Even if I'm happy but just overwhelmed because I'm in a conversation about a topic I'm really passionate about (like my special interest, or some sensitive topic like autism)
But I also cry often multiple times a day when I'm upset.
This has been me for about 40 years. I get entries related to hormone levels, menopause and depression. That's helpful, but where is the fix? There isn't one!
This opened up a core memory. I started showing intense depressive-like symptoms as a teen and never realized that it was in due to undiagnosed autism until now.
I told a retired GP the other day that I was awaiting an autistic assessment. I got a great big frown back and was told "there are a lot of people jumping on the bandwagon". Made me feel totally invalid.
I think it may be for the best that GP is retired
That’s a horrid feeling, and for them to dismiss you like that is wrong. Sorry you had to endure that and I hope you find someone that will listen to you. Thank god you didn’t have to see them for your assessment
that's an absolutely ridiculous comment
good thing that guy is retired because that's a totally outdated way of thinking. there are no diagnostic "bandwagons," only awareness and people finding out that they meet established criteria that they didn't know existed. the definition of autism (or ADHD, or gender dysphoria, or any other "trendy" diagnosis) has not changed, only our ability to identify the individuals who meet that definition.
There absolutely ARE a ton of people, mostly girls for some reason, who claim the label like some fashion accessory at the minute. Saying you're autistic is 'trendy' right now. The same type of teens usually also claim to have Tourette's and Dissociative Identity Disorder (the latter being rare to the point where some psychiatrists still debate whether it exists, but somehow they all have it), BPD and also transsexualism to top it all off. NONE of it professionally diagnosed of course. And you don't see these people claiming schizophrenia or psychopathy, I guess because those disorders aren't seen as 'omg quirkyyyyy!'
And before anyone has a go at me about autism being underdiagnosed in females, yes that absolutely is a thing, while mass appropriation and faking for social victim points is ALSO a thing. And it needs to be acknowledged because the attention-whoring clout seekers are not doing genuinely autistic girls any favours when it comes to getting help and how society sees them.
Late diagnosed middle aged AuDHD here. Listening to "extreme metal" on headphones during internalised/camouflaged meltdowns was how I survived adolescence and early adulthood. [EDIT: Wow, evidently this really resonated, thanks to everyone for your comments! (Incidentally, for the first time since my late diagnosis, today I rewatched ST's "Institutionalized" music video and was amazed by how accurately it describes the autistic experience.) #alliwantedwasapepsi ]
Lol I completely relate. I even do it now. I listen to a lot of emo/metal rock and hard rap 🤭
Yesssss!!!!!!!!!! Hard music fast drums and screams ❤
Helps listening to someone let go when you just don't have such an outlet...
I did the same!! That kind of explains why I consider it my happy music, looking back.
Oh good, we're a club!
Also love singing/screaming along to get out all that tension. Also head banging is a great stim for me in the car
Same omg I blast leathermouth full volume
The worst place for a shutdown is at work, where people still expect you to interact with them. I start garbling my words and sometimes end up being unable to form even the most basic sentences.
Wait, that's a shutdown thing???
I... I definitely have that happen to me... often...
I get that, I tend to be dyslexic - placing words in the wrong order.
so uncomfortable.
I become volatile i hate when they wont leave me alone but when they try to force me I say mean stuff or only a few words
This so relatable. I have been let go from too many jobs to count due to meltdowns or shutdowns. I have degree, but never stay anywhere long enough to accumulate benefits or retirement funds. It’s not a good way to go through life.
I am absolutely enraged on your behalf. There was no excuse for them to take the phone from you. And then to go on and be "horrified" by you having a hard time. You are not and we're not a bad person.
I can see how much it still effects you today. You are amazing and wonderful and brave.
Yes this. Commenting to bump this up. I hope Meg sees it 😊
Same here! Nobody should do this to ANY child, autistic or not. Taking the phone away from her (when she was already clearly very distressed) while she was in the middle of talking to her mum?! Why not just give her the phone back and let her redial? I can't believe how appalling this was.
@@letsrock1729And it was hers anyway (well her mom's, but she brought it) they didn't have the right to take it!
I was deeply distressed by the description of the phone incident too! This struck me as abusive ignorance on the part of the adults.
@@KrisRN23935 Right?! The whole incident actually feels sadistically deliberate. Or, at the very least, shows a complete lack of emotional empathy for a young child. And I also find it very disturbing that these were (albeit 'distant') family members who her mum obviously trusted to take care of her properly for 2 nights.
I'm autistic, I also have an anxiety disorder. The fact that meltdowns can feel like panic attacks and therefore assuming that my panic attacks were meltdowns and constantly being told by both neurotypical autism experts (they do exist) and other autists that being 'a bit anxious' is normal is what led my anxiety disorder to go undiagnosed until I was in my late thirties.
It wasn't until I got meds for my anxiety and my panic attacks went away that I realised that most of my actual meltdowns are of the 'shutdown' type.
Neurodiversity is complicated.
Me too. I have ADHD, anxiety, and major depression disorder and self diagnosed autism. Sometimes my brain doesn't work like I want it to, at those times I just don't talk. Can't even remember which comment I'm replying to, so here you go!
It is. I now have ADHD, ASD 1 and GAD diagnoses. Meltdowns, which run the gamut of types for me, could come from any or all - or none I suppose. I’ve been trying to work out a med regimen for years, but I’m changeable and it does seem to follow that problems from one diagnosis complicate my response to meds for another. Also I seem to be med sensitive.
Learning to live with it and manage it has some appeal, except I’ve gotten worse as I’ve reached early old age, and it’s been destroying my marriage. Maybe if I’d had more of a clue what was going on decades ago, things would be in better shape, but I didn’t.
I remembered! Meds basically turned me into a zombie. I thought anxiety was basically synonymous with autism, so I'll need to look further into that, if you reply too, that will help bunches more. It makes sense now why the prescribed meds never worked but I will say they helped -- in that, I didn't think so much.
I had the opposite. My meltdowns were misinterpreted as "panic attacks" and "anger issues" when they were actually meltdowns. None of the anxiety medications seemed to do anything and anger management was just basically gaslighting me. I got no help for it until I was properly diagnosed. ADHD medication calms me down and I have another medication that reduces the intensity of the meltdowns. It would be nice if mental health professionals and medical doctors knew more about neurodivergence, since they would likely be the first to encounter someone reporting symptoms, but they don't seem to know much at all, and I had a lot of harmful mismanagement.
lol it is so complicated, i had pretty much the opposite experience until learning about autism in adulthood
the self harming as a self regulating/stimulating behavior needs to be talked about more. I hit my head when I'm having a meltdown and I think it's genuinely caused some damage but I don't talk about it to any medical professionals because I fear of being judged.
I reacted in this way too-- started self harming in 5th grade when I felt uncontrollably angry or upset, because I knew I would be punished if other people saw my emotions and it was the only thing that could 'snap me out of it'
I never related to people who were doing it because they're sad, and had a hard time convincing anyone who noticed that it wasn't for attention or something
it was a tool-- a bad tool, but an effective one.
yea, i’d hit my head, bite my arms, all while crying and cursing at myself. i’m still trying to find a way to handle it better, but being in that headspace makes it so difficult
I hope one day you realize that you should be more worried about your brain's health than the judgment of doctors. F them. WHo cares what they think? If a doctor doesn't understand what an autistic meltdown is, they're a TERRIBLE doctor anyway.
All of this. Oddly, I used to do a lot of deliberate self harm through childhood up into my 30's. It's only in the last few years (late 40's) that I've really started head banging and it's effing terrifying for myself and my husband. it's scary enough that I've almost considered getting some sterile vacu needles to use just to avoid concussing myself. I get migraines so head trauma is incredibly unsafe for me 😔 So many people think that if you hold a job and have a seemingly "normal" or "successful" life you can't possibly be dealing with things like head banging or meltdowns, but we absolutely do. They just don't see it. I sometimes thing that almost makes it worse, because I think "if I can hold off until I'm alone, why can't I just not do it?!" It's hard 😟
I’ve gone into a meltdown and hit myself in the face multiple times and the person who was with me just got mad at me for it, and I just wish there was understanding about it all instead of judgement.
From my experience, a common metldown/shutdown trigger is when things aren't the way they're supposed to be in my brain. I think in terms of absolutes, so when I get in a circumstance where at least one of my absolutes is going to be broken no matter what I do, I just completely freak out.
That's a huge trigger for me as well! In short, anything that's different from the norm, or not what I was expecting will send me into a freak out. Depending on the situation, and how I'm generally feeling that day, it could be a minor or a more major freak out!
There’s a version I have that I swear feels like this: two of my foundational absolutes contradict each other, like bad computer code. If the two opposing commands get loaded into the pipeline at the same time, the conflict crashes my system.
Yes! This!!!
I hate when that happens. I've always gotten called a spoiled brat for not getting my way when I get in this bind. It didn't occur to me/I didn't get diagnosed until my mid 30s, so I had already internalized the spoiled brat thing. Did a lot of damage to my mental state.
I get flat out told "You're NOT autistic." Apparently I'm just rude and temperamental and don't try hard enough. Must be that I like being hated.
In public I usually run and hide in the bathroom. I have been known to turn into a rampaging grizzly bear. At home, I've found beating my bed or partner with swim noodles to be non damaging and therapeutic.
I hope your partner is okay with that. Pool noodles might not hurt but feeling like a punching bag isn't fun.
I was just diagnosed. I am afraid of telling people because they won't believe me. It is hard enough to cope with the new diagnosis without my family rejecting it. If they be alone with me perhaps they'd see how weird I really am. I pace and talk to myself, always have.
Yeah, I got told for years that I was "lazy" and "had anger issues" when I actually had ADHD (diagnosed and definitely correct) and (probably) ASD with meltdowns. The gaslighting is real, sibling.
I hope the "partner with a pool noodle" thing is something your partner is okay with.
You might consider getting an actual punching bag, getting hand wraps and gloves, and learning to punch with technique (so you don't hurt your hands). Its a socially acceptable and non-harmful way to do the same activity, and I found it quite beneficial. Good exercise as well.
Yes, I find this so relatable.
@@swissarmyknight4306 Yes! I was so gaslighted by my mother in particular when I was growing up. I had so much anxiety, which made me fearful of doing a lot of thiings. I got ridiculed and bullied by my family (and also classmates), because I was "that weird kid".
I'm now 60 years old, and just got diagnosed ASD 4 months ago. Suddenly my whole life makes more sense! But I feel like my life was stolen from me by never getting the help I needed. It's been a long, hard, 60 years! 😒
I used to have meltdowns a lot back when I lived with my parents, and they kinda used it as an excuse for the longest time as to why I'm not ready to live on my own. I moved out on my own four years ago, and I realized I haven't had a meltdown in that entire time. It kinda hit me that the reason I kept having meltdowns while I was living with my parents was because, even when I said I needed time to myself to recuperate from family events, school, ect. I didn't really get the space that I needed to NOT get overwhelmed. And if I did take the space I needed, I was often shamed for locking myself in my room. I was often ignored when I said I needed time to myself or need a few minutes before doing a task. Now that I'm living on my own I can remove myself from situations that are overwhelming me, or take as much time as I need after work to cool down and come back to zero. Because I have control now over when I can get time to recuperate, I haven't had a meltdown in years.
Living alone is solely responsible for my decline in meltdowns, from daily to a few times a year. I can control my silence, my noise, my lighting, my schedule, so on and so forth. It was what I needed.
i’m literally going through this right now! i have constant meltdowns now that i’m living back at home bc my parents trigger tf out of me constantly. so they use it against me and tell me that i can’t move out and that i’ll never be independent because i have meltdowns. they don’t get that the meltdowns are because of them.
I think the same dynamic applied for me, but in reverse. I don’t really remember having meltdowns as a child, but I spent a lot of time in my room, mostly drawing and reading comics. My mother gave me lots of space, even to the point of letting me miss a ton of school. I started melting down more as an adult, when “demands started exceeeding capacity” to a much greater extent. This runs counter to conventional wisdom, which still tends to view autism as a childhood condition that can be “outgrown” for some.
But I suspect that a lot of the typical dynamic revolves around the fact that kids tend not to have much autonomy, and adults usually have more. It strikes me that my level of dysregulation, through my life, probably corresponds roughly to the level of demands vs. the ability to withdraw I have had. An interesting insight.
My experience pretty similar.
I feel for you so deeply!!!
I've lived on my own for a long time now, and my meltdowns are very rare. However last week there's been a fire in my apartment, the place is trashed now, so I moved back in with my mum. On the first few days after the fire she also came to "help" me clean up, but refused to give me space even though I kept directly asking her for HOURS. I now have multiple meltdowns a day and of course I am the evil bitch who stresses everyone out 🫠
I can't wrap my head around why would anyone ignore a serious request for a brief period of solitude, when the person communicates it clearly and repeatedly. Neurotypicals are the ones with a communication disorder, in my opinion!!!
Growing up my father was extremely emotionally abusive and yelled at us constantly. Whenever he did I just completely shut down, not responding to anyone for awhile.
Dude same but it was my mom, she was also physically abusive.
@@URnightmares162I was raised Catholic and my parent's favorite punishment was making me kneel on the hard kitchen floor for five to ten minutes at a time.
That's a normal response to abuse for anyone regardless of autism diagnosis. When we are extremely fearful our brain responds through fight, flight, or freeze. What you are describing is the freeze response.
This is my experience too as I believe my father is undiagnosed autistic, and we would get physical and emotional abuse if we triggered a meltdown by chewing too loud or running the water too loud or being kids in any discernible way. I really want to understand, but it seems like no one talks about it. Even Google says "do you mean parenting a child with autism?" Nope. I've had therapists suggest he's a narcissist but that's just false, and I suspect ableist, so I end up defending him rather than healing from him. I wish someone would just let it be complicated and listen.
@@valerielevasseur8674That's so sad, I'm sorry :( Yeah, unfortunately Google is not very helpful these days. I totally understand your dad's reactions, as I want to do the same things sometimes. But, I know that reacting that way isn't ok, so I try my darndest to control myself or take a break from things. He sounds like he could at least use noise canceling headphones, and some awareness of his actions and why it makes him respond like that. I hope that he can get the help he needs some day, and I'm sorry you guys had to live with that :((
Storytime. (Sorry)
For most of my life I thought I was someone who was just extremely introverted with anxiety. Occasionally, I would have what I thought were anxiety attacks. Once when this happened, the person with me (a social worker) kept asking me, "What's making you anxious?" and "What is your thought process right now?" And I couldn't answer. I wasn't having "anxious thoughts" that I was aware of. I was having what I thought of as an anxious RESPONSE. I couldn't calm down. It was very much a physical reaction - not a thought driven one. But, I had no idea at the time that "regular" anxiety attacks were provoked by anxious thoughts because mine were very much driven by anxious feelings that I couldn't always explain.
Relatable, I have had those quite frequently. Are they really not anxiety attacks, cause my parents told me that they were. Just dreadful feelings that make it impossible to chill and amplifies my emotions, but there is no anxious thoughts behind it.
I thought the same thing, and now I know what it is I can pretty much tell what causes them after they happen.
I have them most of my nights. Because of childhood and a bad living situation for years now. So i take meds to make my body sleep enough.
Thx for the story, helped understanding things more.
So... Is it normal, that in the middle of uncontrollably crying, wanting to rip my skin off and just dissappear there is kind of a quiet place in my mind, where I'm calm and just wondering if I'm faking it and feel like i could stop, but at the same time i can't.....
For me getting triggered by trauma sometimes looks similar to what you've described. It's the automatic response and I feel it, I don't have to have any thoughts before. I don't have to think 'Oh, that person acts like the person from my past' or think that something is wrong or scary, it's my body reacting automatically to something my brain interprets as a threat
Part of my imposter syndrome around “am I really autistic” is because I don’t really notice meltdowns in myself. Shutdowns sometimes, but I don’t have the “stereotypical” meltdown, and would doubt myself for it. But in introspection to my past, I used to breakdown in tears constantly. After my mom said I never cried as a baby, at some point in my early childhood I was known for frequent outbursts of uncontrollable crying…. Except that all stopped in the 1st grade (6years old). I was crying, in class, no memory of why, and my teacher put me in the front of the room facing the wall behind the door while the class all watched me until I stopped. I was unable to connect with any emotions for a good 10+ years after this. Seeing videos like this helps me validate myself. Thank you.
Oh, the imposter syndrome :( Sometimes mine is so bad on awful days I meltdown just from watching content focused on being neurodivergent in general....
The teacher thing is so real! I would get scolded for crying and told to “stop the waterworks.” Like a 10 year old can purposely manipulate you by crying… just very relatable that you were forced to internalize meltdowns.
As a little kid i used to cry a Lot, thought i don't think it was uncontrolable as My mom said she would warn me to be careful not to hit My head with anything and i would listen
In Elementary school i would also cry constantly and hide under the tables, i have no recollection of why
When i went to get My COVID vaccine ( i am deadly scared of shots) i started sobbing uncontrolably, My vision went blurry, i could hear people talk but couldnt figure out What they were saying and it was hard to breathe (dad said i was hyperventilating) next thing I remember an army lady was bringing me back with breathing exercises until i calmed down enough to get the shot
Another time while at a party the noise started to get a bit too much, the sound of the clapping and music became overwhelming and i started crying uncontrolably, i locked myself in the bathroom and when that wasnt enough, i walked out of the house, onto the street and just colapsed on the pavement, My dad had to take me to the car and i Stayed there for the rest of the party
How can I diferenciate between What might be an anxiety of panick attack or a childhood tantrum from a possible autistic meltdown?
I think a lot of people need to know if your a ‘high functioning’ autistic still is autism
Absolutely; just because I can talk doesn’t mean I’m not disabled! 🤦♀️
Yes omg. It's like telling someone that's a mixed race "well, you don't look mixed" like gee, thanks a lot! Thanks for not trying to understand what's beyond your line of vision 🤦♀️🤦♀️
Lol that reminds me of little kids when they're like, "if I can't see it, it's not there!"
I relate this to my hearing loss ... I can hear certain things but I am still deaf. People think that hearing aids will work perfectly - they don't. Also sounds I don't usually hear overwhelm me as a result.
@@misspatvandriverlady7555I just yesterday saw some jerks saying that low support needs autistic people aren't actually disabled. I sure af gave him a handful. I didn't spent half my life wondering why there are so many things that are supposed to be easy impossible for me. I swear I got soo pissed.
@@emilybolen128 My mom used to tell a story about her baby brother. When he was about 2 1/2, their mom saw him leave the kitchen with a fresh baked bun, hiding it behind his back but still in plain sight from other points of view. Grandma broke out in gales of laughter. Mom was outraged. "If I had done that it would have earned me a switching!" She was 8 years older than the brother.
As an autistic person who has never had a meltdown I wish I knew more about this.
I can tell you its among the most painful things in my life. The physical pain is bad enough. The teeth clenching is so violent that I fear I'm going to break my teeth, which often hurt bad enough that it hurts to chew. My jaw clenches so hard that not only are my jaw muscles messed up, but so are my neck muscles. I've clenched my fists so hard that I've damaged something in my forearm, which took weeks to heal. It is very difficult not to scream in pain, which others misinterpret as screaming in anger.
When I was in high school a young lady I was dating witnessed one (in which I didn't say anything to her or even look at her, just tried to suppress it), the first one I hadn't been able to hide since before high school, and she not only broke up with me, but decided I was an "evil man" and she and her friends started a campaign of actively trying to ruin my life and reputation, which they restarted and continued on social media over a decade later (because I don't act out of malice, it took me until my mid-20's to realize that others do, even in adulthood). I've been hiding them ever since. I've kept people at a distance and I never learned to be close because of it.
Outsiders perceive them as "anger" or "rage" but I don't experience anger, just my fight response going crazy in a way that isn't connected with my life or emotions. I had an incompetent therapist try to treat me for "anger issues" which is basically just professional gaslighting for a neurodivergent person. Now that I've been properly diagnosed, I'm on medication to suppress the severity. Its reduced the pain by about half.
Personally, I can become inconsolable for a very long time. It either starts with almost like anxiety or panic attack, especially heavy breathing. Other times, it starts with unstoppable crying and sobbing. Sometimes, it happens very quickly because of things that happened throughout the course of the day, and sometimes, it starts very quickly. I physically can't stop myself from self-harming, whether that's through scratching myself until the skin breaks or hitting myself.
During my shutdowns, I lose the ability to speak. It's like there's this block or disconnect from my mouth to my brain. If I try to speak, I can't form the words. I can usually make sounds or small noises, but speaking words is nearly impossible unless I try to force it (which doesn't work very often). This can also happen during meltdowns or after them.
As a fellow autistic person, I'm curious as to why you would wish to know more about them, if you've been fortunate enough to avoid such a fate?
@@cassettetape7643 I'm not sure that it really is fortunate. Turning them inward isn't necessarily any less damaging.
@@SmallSpoonBrigade Not everyone with ASD has them though.
This popped up literally just after I had a panic attack/uncontrollable crying type of meltdown.
Side note that I'm very glad to hear another autistic say they like to be hugged/touched during a meltdown. I've had a lot of imposter syndrome over the fact that so many people say they don't want to be touched during a meltdown, but I crave being cradled or snuggled and having my head petted. Only by certain people, but the desire for touch is really strong for me.
Same for me, very specifically only by my husband and he knows not to ask anything, just to hold me at that moment
That’s good and probably a healthy sign. From my own sense of myself, I have theorized that a certain amount of the need not to be touched has to do with whether lived experience has taught a person to associate human contact with an expectation that the person in meltdown will “snap out of it” or at least respond as a result. I haven’t been okay with touch for a long time, but I used to be helped by proximity, because it lacked the feeling of a demand to engage.
Of course, not wanting to be touched can also be a sensory issue, and that varies among autistic people. I have an autistic friend who is a big hugger. I’m not...
Undiagnosed & still figuring things out, but I'm the same way. When I'm melting down or shutting down, the thing I usually want most is a really tight, crush-my-soul-back-into-my-body hug that lasts longer than most people will give it of their own accord, disappointingly. The worst part of this is the fact that I tend to try to stave off my meltdowns & shutdowns until I'm alone, and giving myself the hug I need usually only makes it worse by reinforcing the fact that I'm alone, which my brain just uses against me in that moment.
All this to say, you're not alone.
Yes! I love a tight hug from my girlfriend too
We are all different. Some don't want to be touched, but others do. I had a neurodivergent GF who liked to be tightly hugged. She said it made her heart rate go down.
The biggest cause of my meltdowns are when someone tells me to do something i was already going to do, but i hadnt scheduled to do it yet.
I kind of see all meltdowns as a form of self harm. Im usually hitting myself or pulling at my hair but even screaming til my throat hurts, thats self harm.
I know right.... I remember banging my head on the floor when i was little..... Now too, it's such a physical agony that in the moment i just want to rip myself to shreds.....
For me it causes shutdowns. I doomscroll and can't do anything else.
th-cam.com/users/shorts-DRbpQB9_Aw?si=r2G0cPBSUDIV2cP3 I relate to the first one so much
Paige Layle did a video on self injurious behaviors (largely in meltdowns as you
describe, but also injurious stims like skin picking), and she drew a distinction between these, which are basically involuntary, and self harm, which is more purposeful. I found it a useful distinction, because self harm is especially stigmatized. (Of course, I’ve done both. 😞) That’s just an FYI in case you are interested.
Oh man I know what ya mean. This really p's me off. It's like it sends me over the edge and I start shouting. Gosh I dunno why I get like that man. It's not even a big deal and yet it feels like it is
It probably plays into the PDA profile! Also massive agree, it causes harm to the person no matter how conventional it seems. Also, love your work Hamish
The random nephew that head bangs? Lmao they'd be shocked how i look in private.
Heck, IM SHOCKED at how I look in private! There's times when I wish my husband wasn't home on my bad days.
@@taiweannoona1204 I feel that
Same
I would just tell them “I did that when I was a toddler and I still do, just not right now.”
might be one of the reasons I like metal music. screaming and banging your head is normal in metal. but apart from that there is just really good music in the vast realm of metal.
I have what I assume are meltdowns when I have to leave my house to socialize or visit family. Happens every time. If a visit on a certain date is approaching, it can ruin my week and on the day of, I get SO overwhelmed. I feel trapped, irritated at how important it is to others to socialize and visit but it’s not important to me, I’m angry that I have to do it in order to keep peace and maintain connections. I hate it. It stresses me tf out.
I feel this so hard 😞 everyone else gets so worked up over birthdays and holidays, but I don’t understand it. Why can’t we celebrate when it’s most convenient instead of the exact date? Why do we force ourselves to spend time with people we don’t get along with? I have meltdowns around any “big” day and I always expect the worst now (so I’m less disappointed in the long run). Other people’s dysregulation really affects me :/
I get this too
@@Quesadilla16 I only attend celebrations when I know I get on with the people who will be there. As for the dates of certain festivities, well it sort of is important. I mean, it's my birthday when it's my birthday and not a week before or later. The day means something to me. Same as it's Xmas on the day it, well, IS.
I cannot return to my childhood home. I don't know if they are meltdowns, flashbacks or panic attacks, but I just can't. I'm probably autistic, have C-PTSD, MDD.
It feels as if I'm entering a prison that I can't escape. If another person does not go with me (and I have to go for family events such as important birthdays), there is no way I can get on the bus without sobbing and beating my head against the window.
The shame and embarrassment... I'm over 50.
Me too. Retreating to bathrooms is the only way I can cope being around family for so long.
I am an autistic person who has had C-PTSD since I was very young. I was adopted and my teachers tried to tell my parents that they believed I had Asperger's (now ASD) but my parents and doctors blamed everything on trauma. I'm now in my 20's and I have found so much more help understanding the difference between my meltdowns and actual panic attacks. I love watching these videos because it finally feels like I've found people who relate to my experiences
I can relate (except I wasn't adopted - my mother was just violent and brought me around inappropiate people). It is a wonderful to recognize the differences and interesting how it all works.
Thank you for sharing this 🧡
Would you mind explaining a bit further as to how you distinguish your meltdowns from panic attacks?
I was diagnosed with Borderline PD, and I honestly can't tell the difference from BPD and autistic shut/ meltdown from this video, and I've been trying to work out for a while whether I am on the spectrum or not....
Accepting it as an uncontrollable medical condition may sound like “giving up” and not taking accountability for it but it was the single most helpful thing I ever did for it. For me, meltdowns are guilt and all consuming self-hatred to the most intense extent imaginable. So you can imagine how that compounds when you’re desperately trying to stop it, wanting nothing else in this world but to stop it, becoming more angry and horrified and disgusted with yourself as you watch yourself dissolve, which makes more fury, horror, terror. . .
Then I had the worst one. I had a potassium deficiency and dehydration during it, and those factors pushed it over into an entirely new level. Muscle convulsions, memory blackout, screaming to the point of bodily injury I never knew a human being was capable of, much less myself. That one was SO, SO fucking bad that I knew for a fact I had no control. Had an ambulance called on me and taken to the hospital because it genuinely seemed like some sort of seizure. Only to be told it was an extreme panic attack (doctor didn’t know I had autism wasn’t officially diagnosed on paper back then). And there were a couple after that but it was the start of changing my perspective from “evil manipulative thing I’m doing to myself” into “neurological medical incident”.
Since putting them in the same “camp” as seizures or panic attacks, they now look a lot more like just crying and hyperventilating, maybe some bizzare laughing. Versus the uncontrollable screaming, collapsing, self harming traumatic demonic nightmares they used to be. If I have another one, and I will, I won’t see it as my fault. And because of that, they haven’t happened. . . not like they used to. I still tear up when I think of past ones, but I view them as medical incidences instead of my deepest regrets.
I’m so glad to hear that they’ve improved just by understanding them better. I’m trying to think of my meltdowns and shutdowns differently, and it’s still hard. I’ve tried so hard to suppress any behavior that could get me in trouble or have people see me as weird and the self-hatred that builds out of that makes it so so much worse.
This only happens when I'm home alone because I push everything down in public, but when I get overwhelmed I'll bite my hand (to prevent from screaming), punch the desk and my legs as hard as I can. It feels like I'm trying to externalize the pain and anger by causing physical pain instead. I remember doing the hand biting from a fairly early age and having other people laugh at me asin 'you're only hurting yourself, dummy'-type responses
I used to cut or bite my fingers or my tongue when I was in school around all the kids that bullied me (everyone hated me, everyone) because I too felt like it was a release for the emotional and/or mental pain I always felt
I used to do the hand biting, and I also would sometimes bite down on my tongue just to like keep my mind focused on it I guess and stop myself from doing anything else stupid. But when I was young I definitely used to hit my head off walls and tables and in more recent years I had punched myself in the face in front of my parents a couple of times, which has been met with a "what the hell was that, you lunatic" sort of response
I do bite my hand too, to prevent myself from punching my head :( But to me it feels way better than the punching, so I'm glad I'm moving away from that
biting myself has also been a response my body does when I'm just too overwhelmed. I'm not diagnosed with autism, but anxiety/depression. It helps me externalize the pain and ground myself to reality, as much as it hurts
I walk around and talk to myself. I always thought I was crazy because I would do this as soon as I was alone. For the most part it relieves the feeling of melting or shutting down. Perhaps you can find something to help relieve the pressure before it gets to self harm. I used to bite my fingernails and pull out my hair strand by strand, not knowing I was autistic. Walking can be incredibly decompressing in my opinion. I don't know it it would help everyone, but it has always helped me.
The story of you having a meltdown when you were having a hard time and your only source of comfort was taken away from you as a child hit hard 😔 I have so many similar memories from my childhood and it’s hard for me to even think about them. It really sucks how so many adults don’t know how to act around neurodivergent children
Many adults don't know how to act around any children. Children in general should not be treated like that! It is totally inappropriate - and then those adults are shocked, when the child reacts accordingly. Horrific! 🤬
@@CaroEllis Exactly. This terrible experience would have been traumatic for a neurotypical child too. Imo, far too many adults can't remember how it actually felt to be a child and to see/experience the world through a child's eyes.
Another thing is that not many adults know what autism is, for example my dad and I struggle to explain thing so I cant tell him without him misunderstanding
@@mb-sb5ever I understand your point and very often struggle to explain myself to NTs as well. But whether or not an adult understands autism, has nothing to do with this situation. NO child should be treated this way while in distress.
@@letsrock1729 I agree I'm just saying why it's more likely.
Past
Autistic child has meltdown:
Adult: stop being naughty
Present
Autistic child has meltdown:
Adult: * helps using desired method*
Uneducated adults: stop being naughty
That is what I tried to explain to my dad since as I work in a Nursery where the word naughty is 'banned' and he didn't understand saying that if the child is being naughty then they are being naughty
This video is so helpful! I learned that I do have meltdowns, just that they aren't "fight" meltdowns!
I've known for many years now that I have shutdowns, but I never really thought of them as a subset of meltdowns.
For all that time I've thought that I didn't have meltdowns, but after watching this I know that I was wrong. As stated above, I have had many shutdowns, varying in frequency, duration, and intensity over the years (I'm now in my 60s), depending on the amount of stress, distress, and sensory stimulation I was experiencing.
I have also experienced all three of the other types of meltdowns - but very infrequently. I can only recall one each of the fight and flight types (there could be more, but if so I don't remember them). With the panic attack type, I can recall some but am finding it difficult to put a number on them, but more than 5 and less than 20 is my best guess.
When I was 11, I had my first meltdown. It was over the stress of homework and not being able to receive help. My parents filmed me screaming and crying and told me I'd look back on the moment and think it was funny. They didn't know I was autistic (I'm high-functioning and undiagnosed, but realized it was likely the case after it was brought up by therapist after therapist). Nearly twenty years later, my parents and siblings and cousins and I are watching home videos. The meltdown plays on the screen, I'm reminded of it all over again. I saw a child in immense pain with no escape. Everyone else laughed. This caused me to need to withdraw so I could have another meltdown... this time alone.
To kids or adults with families who don't understand no matter how you explain it, I'm sorry. I've been there. I am there. I don't have friends who I feel comfortable around either. But I hope you're able to find a supportive network and people who get you. I hope you're able to live a life that's made at least a little easier by having loving and understanding people around you. ❤
I just want to give little meg a big hug! I also wanted to be a “good” kid and had so many meltdowns when I was ever even slightly told off.
i struggle a lot w sib (self injurious behaviors) during meltdowns and learned recently that i do a lot better at NOT hurting myself if i allow myself to truly let loose and be LOUD. if i'm screaming, i'm not scratching or pulling my hair or hitting my head against the wall lol. i know it's not always safe to be loud, but if you can and struggle w this, i recommend it!
It’s true. But it’s not safe for me at this point for a lot of reasons. 😓
Relatable, but less "being loud" and more "being weird." If I'm work from home, I can do some jumping jacks or stretches or click-click-click something without bothering anyone. At the office, silently injuring myself feels more 'polite.'
oh my god ! i realized this recently too ! i was listening to music and was having a difficult conversation through text and i got so overwhelmed. and instead of SH, i just turned up the music and let myself scream/cry, jump around, and hit the air (like roughly waving my arms around) until i got tired. i felt so much better after than when i suppress/contain myself.
Storytime, TW: ableism, school bullying
I remember that since because I would so often get bullied at school during breaks, the school’s stuff give me a tiny room (that was the teathers’ changing room) so that I would be able to go to in and hide from the bullies. One time I got a meltdown during a school break, I went to that room so I can scream + calm myself up alone in peace. Unfortunetly, one of the teachers went into the room to told me that “I need to calm down and stop screaming” because “my scream scare away some little boy during the break”, as if i was just able to stop screaming and stop having a meltdown. I also remember the one time I was talking about my meltdowns with my dad at my therapist, at which one point he literally told me: “well NOT ALL autistics have meltdowns, so why should WE treat you different when you have one, huh? Why can’t you just stop having a meltdown and be calm?”.
Your dad or the therapist?
@@gollyrado my dad infront of the therapist.
@@CitizenOfPoland that's unfortunate. My Dad literally had fight meltdowns and still wasn't okay with any of us kids having them.
@@gollyrado it sounds like your dad had a lot of internalized ableism, which he then procceds to project into you and your siblings. I’m so sorry that your dad treated you this way 🫂 (Btw I’m sorry if I sound rude and/or my english isn’t good, I’m from Poland).
You can swap "people" for "autistics" and any health condition at all for "meltdowns" to hear how ridiculous that is:
"Not ALL people have allergies, so why should we treat you any different because you have one, huh? Now eat your peanutbutter..."
"Not All people have broken legs..."
"Not All people have epilepsy..."
Sheesh.
I always thought I was having panic attacks, and the doctors did too despite the panic attacks being "weird". They actually gave me benzos for them and those sucked
I was given benzos and tried them a couple times for what I now realize were meltdowns. Yeah they sucked. I likened them to throwing water on a hot griddle.
I was diagnosed with PTSD because my startle response was easily triggered and i was afraid to drive. My failure to drive was always called "my phobia", and the disassociation I suffer behind the wheel I called a "panic attack". Basically my brain cannot keep up with all of the stimulation and keep everything straight. I didn't drive not because of anxiety, but because deep down I knew I would be a danger to others.
They gave me benzos too. That was the weirdest, grossest euphoric feeling, like I wanted to take all of them and OD. Like a weird gross "addicted" compulsion, and they didn't remotely do anything for my meltdowns (misdiagnosed as panic attacks at the time). I took them to the drug disposal thing at the pharmacy.
I'm a 60 year old, just diagnosed autistic 4 months ago. Still in the early stages of coming to terms with struggling through life all these years, not understanding what was going on with me. I can remember having so much anxiety and panic since I was very little. I'm wondering if a lot of it was actually meltdowns? I had to learn from a very young age to mask, because of growing up in a horrificly abusive home. It wasn't safe for me to show any feelings at all whether "bad" or "good". So I had to keep my anxiety and panic to myself. Which only added to the PTSD!
Oh, is that why anxiety meds do nothing for me? It takes me from 'very anxious' to 'very anxious and also a bit tired, thanks.' Which was especially fun while getting eye surgery.
What a coincidence. I just had the biggest meltdown I’ve had in a WHILE last night. I feel horrible and can’t get out of bed but I need to do homework or I’ll fail my classes. Help idk what to do 😭
That's weird a bit...went to dinner today and called a friend and everyone of them (including my daughter, husband and me) had a bad night with restlessness, waking up in the night and totally off in the morning.. everyone seems tired today o.o (I don't want to compare sleeping unwell with meltdowns, I just find it odd, that this night seemed to be a weird night)
Use 5 second rule to help your self get out of bed. Count down 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... and on 1, move a part of your body, any part of your body. If your intent is getting out of bed in that moment, your body will follow through.
Take at least 30 mins to focus purely on self-care before starting on your homework. Take a shower, eat some food, clean your room... do something kind for yourself. 💙
@@ernyoung8357I have done this since I was a kid, moving that first body part, even my toe or head somehow unfroze my body. It also helps when I need to clean, I’ll put in a lot of effort to get up and then force myself to pick up one thing with the same technique and suddenly I’m motivated to keep going because I use the dopamine from seeing improvements to build on each other, sometimes I’ll even write things down that I did already as I go and check them off to see what progress has been made and to avoid the anxiety of the “to do” list. It’s also helpful when I’m feeling like I don’t do anything and feel down about myself because I have proof for my brain that I got something done.
legit same. yesterday my husband dragged all of us on this ridiculous hike (i'm very out of shape so suddenly expecting me to be able to hike for several miles without issue is ridiculous to me), i had a crying hyperventilating meltdown several times along the trail and again just now when he started talking about wanting to leave the house again. i thought i had made it clear how utterly exhausted i was from yesterday and how i had no intentions of doing anything similar again, and it felt like he wasn't going to be satisfied unless i was just abjectly miserable. i burst into tears, started rage-cleaning the house until i was sobbing and wheezing... and then this video came up in my recommendations. so far only my son has been flagged as "having qualities consistent with autistic children" but the more videos i watch trying to learn about him, the more i'm learning about myself as well.
Maybe try asking someone close to you for comfort. I had a meltdown a few days ago and having someone there who will just let you cry makes it better
I wasn’t really sure if I had autistic meltdowns, but after watching this, all the pieces are just coming together, and I’m remembering SO much.
A lot of times, I’ve physically had to leave situations because everything was getting to be too much, and it just feels like something takes over my body because all I can focus on is my brain screaming, “LEAVE NOW”… and then I kind of gain control of my body again when I’m alone and safe. It’s not really that I black out and don’t remember, just that I’m not in control of my body during those moments.
I can relate! I get that "leave now" feeling alot, and to me the way I describe it is I feel like a caged animal. I begin to feel like I'm trapped, and I need to get away immediately! It happens a lot when I get stuck talking to someone who won't let the conversation go, and they keeping talking, and talking, and talking. After a while I'll end up just blurting out "ok, I have to go now", and walking away.
I also get that way in large groups of people. When there's too much talking and things going on around me, it feels too chaotic, and I need to get away!
Yup, that’s the flight impulse all right! The deal is in fact that the sympathetic nervous system overwhelms higher reasoning and forces you to flee. This is not some mental health divergence: as mammals, we are all wired to do this. But it’s really desgned for a zebra to escape a leopard, and it’s not as functional for the world of humans.
It’s true that a NT person is more likely to do this infrequently - with our amped up nervous systems, we often do it much more.
"I thought I was just a grumpy person that needed to get over it."
Exactly this!
I watched earlier and a song came to my mind from Frozen. Elsa's part of "for the first time in forever " where Elsa is singing about"don't let them in, don't let them see. Be the good girl you always have to be"
That I feel like so many of us feel when we are fighting a meltdown
You've just awoken the memory of 11-12 year old me singing this in my head while trying to calm down 😭
@@bean2365 sorry for stirring up a bad memory.
Isn't that Let It Go, not First Time in Forever (Anna's song)?
@@jenniferdaniels701 let it go also uses the same lines, but the one that came to my mind was where it's sung with "for the first time in forever"
@@nickhoward5203 It's been probably a decade since I saw the movie, so I'm not surprised I didn't remember that.
I've had meltdowns all my life, but I always thought I just had trouble controlling my anger and that I was self-destructive and anxious. After being self diagnosed at 41 and clinically diagnosed at 42, I finally am learning about the actions I've done all my life and never understood before.
Thank you for making great content that helps introduce people to and learn about different aspects of autism.
Yes! I’m self-diagnosed (for now), I’m 38 and suddenly looking back and my life makes so much more sense. I was punished almost everyday for my meltdowns as a child.
@@juliette3423 I'm sorry that happened to you. Unfortunately I think many of us have had that experience. It makes me glad that there is more awareness now, and that other children may grow up without the trauma of being punished for things they have no power to control.
At a given time i tought i had BPD. But my mood is stabble while away from severe triggers. Now i was diagnosed autistic.
As a child I had full screaming meltdowns after school but my home life wasn't safe so they shifted to shutdowns as a survival mechanism.
What helps me recover and get through it is noise canceling headphones, retreating into a quiet and dark room, and focusing on sensory fidgets or blankets since focusing on a specific texture without other sensory imput really helps break through the dissociation.
I relate to that background, 100% :/
but the texture thing! you know those chunky weave Mexican blankets? I have this one that's like 20 years old. best texture. I rub my feet on it like a grasshopper and it helps pull me back into the present
@@iluvhammys Me too! I have like 3 of those! I also love those super soft faux fur blankets. I catch myself petting mine all the time. 😂
Seriously tho I'm glad we both survived and are the point we can treat ourselves with all the love and kindness we deserve. ❤️
20:03 That's a state I was in far too often, just going on like a robot, feeling numb and completely overwhelmed with the whole world. That's basically how close to 100% of my time at the German equivalent of High School was like. In the beginning I was only overwhelmed with the sudden increase in learning speed required to keep up, but when that "overwhelmed-ness" finally ran over I fell into a robotic rythm of waking up in the morning, taking the bus to school, sitting through class, not taking in much at all, then taking the bus back home, sitting for hours on end at my desk and internally screaming at me that I'm lazy and that's why I don't do my homework, then going to sleep. And that was basically every single day of my life for several years and the holidays weren't much better because I knew I'd fall into that state again as soon as the holidays ended, which depressed me basically from the beginning of each holiday. Just the knowledge that the holidays were just a temporary time to breathe.
I'm happy I'm not in that state anymore, now that I'm in Sweden.
Damn, I relate so much, you made me realize how bad it actually was, stated like that. I've never considered how "abnormal" it was. No wonder I was depressed too. I'm glad we are both in a better place.
I think I hit a meltdown once every two to three weeks or so, but I have little mini overwhelms more frequently. When I was in a really toxic job prior, I had meltdowns daily, and I am so relieved I was only at the job when they were fully remote for COVID because I needed those meltdowns to release the stress, rather than compound it.
Shout out to my cat though. She's hyper vigilant about my meltdowns and will snuggle me until I feel better, and she checks on me if she hears me make a sound that sounds like crying (sometimes heavy laughter gets her confused). She likes to lay on my chest so she'll do that, and I think the weight and the purring is really helpful to pulling me out of it most times. We're kind of a perfect match for each other. 😺
Awww Ur cat is the bestest friend on the whole world. I'm glad you have her for comfort, what a wonderful animal she is
I definitely relate to all of that, although my cat acts so begrudging about her “job” comforting me, but still does it every time, which makes me laugh and usually cheers me up even more
Emotional support kitty 🥹 you have a really good cat
Aw, it sounds like you have an amazing feline freind. My cat just mostly wakes me up way, way too early
This is hard for me to watch. My fiancee just broke up with me because my meltdowns were too intense. I’ve been in burnout for almost 2 years. She took my SI as trying to manipulate her and I wish she’d tried to learn more about SI and meltdowns instead of giving up on me.
🫂🫶
i'm just now learning that SI can be part of autistic meltdowns and the way she described it in this video was the most seen i'd felt since a discord user told me "you don't actually want to die, you just want life to not suck so much, which is completely reasonable."
❤I'm sorry. I think it is really harmful how society is encouraging people to conceive of all kinds of emotional disregulation as manipulative and directed. ❤
I’m sorry, and I feel like I can relate. I am married, but my marriage has been in its death throes for some time. We should have given up already, but I don’t know that I can afford to live on my own and I’ll have to leave my cat.
SI for me was largely part of the flight impulse. It gave me the chance to imagine a way out when I couldn’t stand it. It wasn’t a good system, I know, and it wasn’t pleasant, but there was a reason for it. I’d leave me if I could, to be honest.
Various meds over the last few years have basically wiped SI out, and I don’t miss it, but it didn’t cure the anhedonia, and the meltdowns are still bad.
People have such a hard time understanding that not all behaviors are voluntary, much less self serving. I think the idea that we are not total masters of our own minds is scary to a lot of people, so they avoid hints that this is so.
I hope things go better for you. Warm regards.
💜 I’ve had that happened several times when I was younger 😢 unfair and cruel I feel. For me it was a good way to know those partners were not the right ones. All parts of me deserved to be loved. Being aware that I’m autistic really helps now
The shutdown being connected to the "freeze" response makes a lot of sense to me. I'm still not sure if what I experience is actually a "shutdown" or if it's "just" a panic attack, but either way it's a very internal experience. And I know in other situations that aren't related to being overwhelmed, but other kinds of danger, I respond typically first with the "freeze" response, and then with effort I can turn it into "flight" but I basically never have a "fight" response. I think some of this is just how I'm wired and some of it is very early memories of a parent expressing anger loudly and being so overwhelmed by that I became instinctively drawn to making my own noises/movements as small as possible, so as not to overwhelm myself even more with my own response.
I have had a panic attack recently where I started crying - not like sobbing, but just the actual tears coming from my eyes, which is relatively new for me - I almost never cried as a child or teenager, but as an adult I have become more emotionally expressive in general. And if it doesn't come with the wrenchy, sobby part, crying is actually kind of nice, it's like I can feel the bad brain chemicals leaving my body. But of course I really don't want to cry in public, and it's not something I can control.
But most of the time when I have a panic attack it's just "oh my heart rate is spiking, I'm getting tunnel vision, I feel like I'm about to die and every noise is now 1000% louder" but all that's happening in my head and isn't super visible. I think I have once or twice had one where I started rocking back and forth but it was during moments of extreme emotional crisis. Still, I remember everything fairly well even during those moments. I could have stopped the rocking but it was helping and I was in a private space so I allowed myself to do it. So I don't really experience the lack of control or memory loss other people associate with meltdowns/shutdowns.
My shutdowns are usually at large family gatherings where too many people are talking at once and I'm not supposed to leave or look at my phone so I just go still and silent
That first story of your meltdown is so sad. Thank you for sharing with us. The fact that they heard that you were feeling bad and separated you from your mom is not okay!!! What the hell. And to a child!! I hope you can take solace in the fact that they shouldn’t have done that to you, no matter the way your brain works. That was cruel.
Sometimes I get overwhelmed with food and clothing options. It's rough. And of course, people are always like "Why are you upset about picking out food/clothes?"
"BECAUSE I WANT ALL THE OPTIONS AND YOU'RE FORCING ME TO PICK ONE."
Blah.
Sound about right?
Pretty much.
thanks for the video 💜
I answered "I'm not sure" to the question "have you ever experienced meltdown?"
This is because my meltdowns are controllable. I feel overwhelmed and have the instinct to throw myself on the floor, scold, destroy and hurt myself. But 99% of the time I can hold back, sometimes I even manage not to bite myself
I have a similar experience. I have the urge to punch something, including myself, because I have these feelings inside of me that for some reason I can't just cry out like I normally would. However, I've only had this a few times and most of the time I've been able to grab a stress ball of punch a punching bag or something non-destructive like that and then as soon as I listen to some sad music I can start crying and get the Bad out of me.
sounds a lot like masking to me
I am diagnosed with ADHD and yeah..so many of those situations came crushing in my mind. I always was very sensitive, cried a lot and emotions overflowed very often. Screamed, ran away from situations, hurt myself, could not stop till burnt out. It's better in aduldhood but still it's intense..more intense than most peoples in my surounding can "handle" or relate. Now I need to look up if ADHDs have those, too 😅
29 % of autistic people have ADHD too. If you experience meltdowns there could be more. ADHD symptoms can obscure autism symptoms ❤
I'm also ADHD and this has me Wondering (even more) if I'm also on the spectrum.@@mayasu4277
I grew up pulling my hair out, screaming, punching myself in the head, more screaming and lashing out. I got older and started just going "stiff" after I scared enough people with my actions. Stop talking. Stop moving. Stop reacting. Respond with 1 word if anything. Run away if it's bad enough...This is different from what I'm guessing is ADHD rage when I would blow up over tiny stuff.
@@mayasu4277 thank you! My ADHD-Diagnose is pretty new and I am reflecting my whole life with this - feels crazy. Kind of numb on the surface and deep inside of me a feeling as if I would know something will happen but I could only watch instead of act. I am curious what I will discover on my way.
@@dn3305 I feel you, I discovered my autism first and got diagnosed at age 36 and now I’m freshly diagnosed with ADHD too. The thing that takes the longes is advocating for your sensory needs. I am still learning to remove myself from sensory overloading situation and for example grab the headphones. It takes a lot of unlearning.
Btw sharing similar experiences, like speaking in memories, to express compassion is a very neurodivergent way of communicating 😉
@@mayasu4277 oh wow! 🤯 That sounds tricky..but so important! My whole life I tried to fit in, be a better and social more acceptable version of myself but kind of lost myself on that way, I think. I don't really know what: "just be yourself and do what makes you happy" means (my husband gave me that "advice").. but your advice sounds like a good way to find that out! Hope you find out, too if you did not already! :) and funny that this is a ND-thing with telling about the own experiences :'D
Thank you so much
I thrived academically, and did moderately well socially in high school with my close friend group, and I still got home everyday after school, and shutdown for about an hour and a half. It was just a LOT, even if I did well enough at it.
I got called out for not interacting with my family after school a lot, but I felt like I needed to be alone until the next day to even have a chance of being able to do it all over again
I was only diagnosed as autistic 3 months ago. I’m 53. This video brought back memories from my early childhood through my teen years all the way up to this year. I’ve always felt it necessary to apologize profusely for behaviours that seemed to arise from nowhere as ASD was not even on my radar; I’d just been unreasonable or overreactive, terribly rude or completely irrational when rationality and logic is what defines me the most. It feels like I just lose myself and someone else takes over. I rarely remember things that happen and have great trouble apologizing… I don’t know if someone said something that honestly hurt me or it was more an accumulation of panicking moments. Ometimes knowing it was practically inevitable makes it harder. Nobody should want to be around me if they might roll bad dice and have to deal with my broken brain.
You are a very intelligent speaker you're always interesting
Thank you! That’s so kind!
I completely agree she is ^_^
I'm very sorry that someone took away what made you feel safe and on top of that you then got shamed for melting down as a child. Us high-maskers especially do try so hard to be good!
I'm always astounded how unempathetic adults can be to each other and even more so kids who are not little adults but actually need adults to help them regulate. I think it's very brave that you are sharing this painful, traumatic experience. Hopefully it will help save other kids from being put through something similar.
I recently had a meltdown/shutdown situation at school and found myself digging my fingernails into my arms. I wasn't able to cry or stim or let that tension and panic out any other way, so I just dug my nails in. It's also kind of traumatic after, like talking about them can get me a bit choked up, it's validating to see that other people have a similar choked-up feeling talking about really bad meltdowns. Also, later that day it made me feel really bad to look down at my arms and see the fingernail marks on them, because I really didn't want to do that to myself, but I felt so out of control that it was the only viable option. I guess guilt, shame, regret, or like just sad that I hurt myself like that when I didn't want to.
I started out doing this too when I didn't have any other option-- please be careful that it doesn't escalate
@@iluvhammys I'm so sorry that you felt that way as well and appreciate your concern. It definitely won't escalate though, I'm doing pretty good mentally compared to in the past.
I didnt know my behaviour could be explained with a meltdown. I tend to leave partys suddenly, without saying goodby. Sometimes i did ran too.
I have the worst meltdowns ever (i have had shutdowns before), to the point my last (and worst one) caused my hands to be static feeling fron the lack of oxygen (I would cry really loud and hard). But then again, these meltdowns are mostly from my Cptsd my mom gave me throughout my childhood.
Oh my gosh! When you mentioned having that static or tingly or slightly numb feeling in your hands afterwards, I get the exact same thing after my own anxiety/panic attacks
Cptsd is treatable. The violence episodes can be treated to absolute absence using Somatic Experiencing or other somatic therapy. Sports and yoga also helps a lot. But the lack of positive upbringing, emotional and intellectual positive support is not easy to compensate, I'm afraid it's a whole life work on oneself. Autistic meltdown happens due overstimulation. The best we can do is take good care and withdraw out of situations on time. But hardly it is possible 100%. Heat, noise, various viruses, not suitable food, demanding people, strong expectations... everything works together and leads to meltdowns.
Taking the shame and guilt out of meltdowns is so important! I so vividly remember one meltdown I had years ago, when I was on vacation with some relatives and broke down in the entrance hall to a museum! Usually I enjoy museums, but we'd been so busy for the past few weeks that it had been too much. I don't remember what I said, but I think I did start crying (which is so rare for me) and they listened to my request and left me alone in the waiting room. I tucked myself away in a chair in a corner, put on my headphones, and watched a comfort tv show, but I remember feeling so guilty like I'd spoiled the trip for everyone!
Looking back though, I think it really must have shown how much stress I was under, and everybody was so nice to me after. They even let me have a day alone in our hotel after so I could just relax. Although none of us had the words to understand what was happening, it was the only way I was able to communicate at the time and I'm grateful I was listened to!
Before I knew I was autistic, I worked in a liquid bottling factory. It was constantly loud and sometimes I would get the oils or juices on my hands. And my manager wasn’t very understanding and I struggled a lot. I had a lot of meltdowns and had no idea what they were or how to prevent them. Now that I know, I work in a quiet sandwich shop, I have earplugs, I give myself time to decompress in the bathroom or office if I start feeling a meltdown coming. I haven’t had a meltdown because of work in a long time and it makes it a lot easier to work.
Melt downs are the worst- especially when you have other things alongside the autism. Like: “is this an autistic meltdown, an anxiety attack, a panic attack, a sensory overload, or some secret other thing?”
I actually had a pretty bad meltdown the other day(didn’t know you could get a noise bleed from stress until then) and I managed to text my mom, mid sob, and sheepishly ask her to bring me home a stake. Fully prepared to put a towel on my floor and just rip into it with my bare hands and face. And in hindsight, my mind just spontaneously declaring that I must tear something apart with my teeth like a feral animal within the next five minutes or my head will explode, feels like a wizard’s curse ngl
(Honestly a lot of being autistic feels like being cursed by a wizard)
Things that help me when in a meltdown are:
1) Music or a podcast that i like. Helps me distract myself and divert my energy. Also stops me from overthinking and obssesing.
2) Stimming, i find is very useful way of 'getting energy out' and i often find myself lecturing on about some random topic e.g Biology or the plot of my fav series.
3) Contact. Similar to N2, i like it when pople i trust either hug me, sometimes tightly, or make physical contact with me. I also love heated blankets and textile materials. I also have a designated plush (At home) to squeeze or figit toys that i manipulate.
4) Alowing myself space for the meltdown to happen and time afterwards.
Hope these help!
Music works great for me. I could spend hours trying to stop myself from crying, but just put on music I like and then I'm nowhere near crying. It's like magic.
I like to make sure to have an extra drink (helps avoid crying headache), and if I can a snack, typically chocolate or cake, because it makes a good distraction.
@@aliceinwonderland8314 Aww, I like the snack idea!
These seem like great ways to cope and help to calm yourself from the meltdowns. I dunno if I have meltdowns but I do experience something very similar and as far as I am aware, I'm not autistic. However, I think I may try some of these things to help me in one of my moments
I just realized. almost every formal meal I have (any meal at a proper table and not at stools) leads me to have a meltdown/shutdown.
I either have a shutdown and can hardly speak or look happy, or I have a weird form of meltdown where I laugh hysterically to the point of pain, and even though I look like I'm happy, I'm being tormented internally, i feel horrible, and I'm in a lot of pain physically and mentally.
I knew I hated meals, but this video made me realize I might be having meltdowns.
I've been working on understanding myself as a self identified autistic person (and a professionally diagnosed ADHDer) and breaking down all these ideas I had in my head about what autism "is". These videos help me to understand myself better and forgive myself for not understanding myself earlier. A lot of the confusing periods in my life have different kinds of autistic meltdowns attached to them and accommodating myself as autistic has reduced the frequency of them as well as understand them better and forgive myself for the ones I've had in the past that I had penned myself down as "not a good enough person". Thank you for delving into this topic. Much love from a Canadian self identified AuDHDer ♥
I'm in the same boat. Formally diagnosed with ADHD-I, almost certainly have undiagnosed ASD (my ADHD was so out of control I could barely communicate during my assessment; I hadn't slept in 48 hours). It would cost me another $2,500 to get re-assessed, and I just don't think its worth the money, but I kinda wish I knew.
Thanks for this video! Unlike some other meltdown videos, this one made me feel less alone as someone whose meltdowns get very ugly (SH, breaking things, screaming). It reminds me I’m not alone. Meltdowns are the number one reason why finding out I’m autistic is such a life changer. It was tough being different and having social issues, and sensory pain, but meltdowns were by far the worst and most isolating for me.
I was one of the "I don't knows" on the questionnaire you did, but listening to this, I realize I've definitely had meltdowns. It's less frequent now, but as a kid, I would just get super mad and start yelling and be so angry that it hurt and try really hard to not let it out but couldn't really stop it. It was 90% yelling at inanimate objects, especially computers or something when they don't work right, but I'm guessing I was already at my breaking point and whatever it was with my computer just pushed me over the edge and then I'd just want to punch it or yell at it. I just thought I had anger issues, which is weird because I never want to hurt people or be mad at people. I'm glad I finally know what's been happening to me after 30+ years. Thank you for doing these videos they have helped me a lot.
I remember being like that as a child, too, and also as a younger adult. As I've gotten older, I've kind of learned to "control myself". But just because I don't show it as much on the outside, doesn't mean I'm not still feeling just as much stress internally! Then I end up feeling even more anxiety, because I don't have an outlet for my feelings.
My most common meltdowns are in the form of panic now. When I was younger I recall crying jags and screaming about school assignments that were particularly triggering and I recall one occasion in my school years being overcome with a desire to bang my head against the wall and being scared by that impulse. While my sister doesn't have even an informal diagnosis I suspect some of our arguments were sort of channeling our mutual meltdowns at each other.
I don't think I've ever experienced a meltdown, but I have experienced shutdowns throughout my life.
Though I haven't been diagnosed yet, I just have some very strong suspicions.
it hurts a lot that last time I had one in the car, my sister blamed me; "Why did you do this? Do you realize how dangerous it was? Can't you put yourself in my feet and understand what I must have felt?" I had no words. I warned her multiple times I was unwell and not to push me. But then I'm told all this like... I did it on purpose? I have no idea what to say in these situations anymore. I've been ghosting her mostly ever since.
It's tiring to explain and be dismissed when meltdowns happen. Only when meltdowns happen suddenly everyone's suggesting therapy again. Why can't they just accept meltdowns are there, just like I am?
Ah I did the poll and now the video YES! 😍 my questions being answered!!!
Thank you for doing the poll! I hope this video helps a little 🥰💛
Even as someone who experiences shutdowns (and occasionally violent meltdowns when it's too much), I didn't think about the running away being part of meltdowns.
I've always been very logical, even as a kid, and I once ran away from home when I was very overwhelmed with my family. Never knew why I did it.
Even though I am autistic, I'm learning more and more about it, and videos like this really help me make sense of some of my struggles and behaviors, especially things I did as a kid.
Knowledge gives me (and others) the ability to give our younger selves, and even our current selves, more grace and forgiveness.
Yikes, this video couldn’t have come at a better time. Throughout my life, I mostly experienced “autistic shutdowns”. Being my parents’ “golden child” would often made it impossible to externalize my distress out of shame and fear of being “a disappointment to them”. After a year of therapy, I started to allow myself to feel my emotions, and to externalize how I feel. Unfortunately or fortunately(?), this lead to one of the few actual meltdowns I’ve had in my life. It was horrifying. (Trigger warning) It felt like d3ad was the only solution to all the pain I was feeling. Thankfully, today I’m married to a wonderful woman who is empathetic and comforting whenever I’m struggling with shutdowns or meltdowns, even if she does not understand them most of the time.
Amazing video! Thanks for being open and sharing your experiences with us. It feels good knowing other people struggle as I do.
i was one of the people who answered the poll saying “i’m not sure” after hearing other peoples experiences and learning more, I AM sure and now I understand myself better and feel validated instead of feeling like a bad person who can’t control themself. Thank you for all you do.
One time I almost lost it because I forgot to dot an i on a really stressful day. When I have a meltdown, I usually have the flight response and run to hide and cry uncontrollably.
I'm starting think my biggest bout of anger as a thirteen year old was a meltdown, someone stole a blanket that my grandma gave me at a friend's big backyard campout sleepover. I tackled them and screamed at them to give it back then blacked out, losing about an hour or two of time. I think I started a massive fight. My peers feared and somewhat respected me a bit more after that.
I'm also starting to think that working in a casino isn't a great idea. I've had issues with all of the overlapping sound on busy nights and stress from being in a crowded place. So far it's been manageable by going into the custodial closet and covering my ears and closing my eyes for a few minutes. Luckily, it doesn't happen often as the place is pretty dead for most of my work week. I worry that my change during the summer though.
Evidently it came time for another meltdown today, I went drone mode and kept robotically doing my job until the fight instinct stopped and I could mostly think clearly again. I then lost the ability to speak for about 30 minutes, going non-verbal was a first for me. I had to take a note to my supervisor to explain what was going on and that I needed a quiet place to calm down.
Thank you for this. Looking back now, i definitely have meltdowns in the form of fight and then shutdown. When i become so overwhelmed it feels like there is this massive energy built up inside i end up letting it out by hitting something (normally a mattress or pillow), there is so much pressure in my head that my capillaries around my eyes burst (resulting in tiny red spots that go away after a few days) and then after this i cry and completely shutdown. I can no longer communicate and all my energy is gone. Im not diagnosed (yet) but ive never seen anyone else do this before so im guessing its not "normal"...
One thing that i always think about - my son I think had not yet been diagnosed, but i knew he was over-sensitive to noise and crowds. I tried to take him to church but i got the time wrong, and instead of getting there at teh beginning of the 2nd session, i got there in between session 1 and session 2, so people from both sessions were in the lobby having 'coffee hours' - but that lobby is really bad for sound bouncing. He freaked out and needed to leave the building. We went out and hung out on the playground for a while but he refused to go back inside. I was frustrated, but then I kinda realized that for me, if I wasn in a situation like that, I would dissociate a little and just go through the motions of what I was supposed to do - but he would instead demand what he needed (to not be in that situation). It was a big ah-hah to understanding his freak-outs.
It took a lot longer to realize that my mild dissociation and going through the motions was actually probably part of autism.
Unrelated, my husband saw you on my screen and wanted to know your nationality?
You should build an emergency bag. It is a very practical thing to do to help you handle situations. I've got stuff that helps me focus on something small rather than the wide around me. Things I include inside the bag are a power bank headphones with an auxiliary jack, the converter for my phone for auxiliary. A fidget that acts like a stress ball. A dotted journal just to write in. Paper for origami. Pens to write with.
That's a great idea!
I feel like a HUGE trigger (especially for me) is learning a lot of information at once and then someone around me assuming I didn’t get any or all of it when I display the slightest pause to process it before proceeding. I can’t describe the levels at which my brain start to activate. It seems really specific and kind of small but I shutdown almost every time.
I began suspecting I had autism end of last year/beginning of this year. It explains sooo much of my childhood. T-rex arms and ballerina feet, "tantrums" that were meltdowns, biting, picky eating, and so much more. Even to this day when I get too overwhelmed I feel the urge to bang my head against the nearest wall, unfortunately, it really helps as terrible as it is for me 😭 I have shutdowns more often though. When I'm overwhelmed I sometimes just go completely mute, even if I want to speak I cannot make myself! Which just makes me feel worse.
You’re definitely not alone in experiencing situational mutism. It’s really rough.
I'm so sorry, you sounded on the verge of tears while you were describing your meltdown. Thank you for telling us this.
It’s so intense to watch this video and see all of my experiences verbalized after 28 years of wondering what is wrong with me and having no answers until recently. After getting COVID, my meltdowns became much more intense, so much so that I was worried I had brain cancer, I really had no idea what was going on. Every therapist I saw had no idea what I was talking about and several even became frustrated that I never “got better” despite talking things through. It’s so vital to spread this information, I can’t express how much better I feel after simply understanding autism and the mechanisms of my experience and hearing from others who are going through the same thing ❤.
I have both internal and external meltdowns… most commonly I have shutdowns and I come home at the end of a day of masking and failing social interactions and trying really hard to suppress my natural ways of expressing myself so people don’t think I’m weird and by the time I get home I’ll just be so burned out I can’t do anything anymore and I hyperventilate and it’s awful and for most of my life I couldn’t explain why… sometimes I’ll also run if I can’t make it through the whole day… but sometimes when there’s more direct sensory input I get overwhelmed and yknow my usual response is to cover my ears but sometimes if I’m already having one of the days where I’d definitely be too burned out afterwards anyways or if another source of sensory input that I also can’t process happens I’ll according to other people end up hyperventilating banging my elbows together and people often try to pull my arms apart which while usually well-intentioned makes it MUCH worse because it’s usually not hard to begin with I don’t really realize I’m doing it because I’m too busy processing and I’m only doing it when I’m already extremely overwhelmed so being unexpectedly touched by someone trying to pry my arms apart just adds to it
Oh my God, that story of those people taking away the phone from you is horrific! 😰 I can really feel that. I would have gone completely mad, if anyone had done that to me as a child.
Nobody should treat any child like that, no matter, if the child is autistic or not. What did those people expect? What they did was inappropriate.
I don't know, if I have autism. I have ADHD and I definitely also have some tendencies towards autism.
Listening to you consistently describing these feelings with "energy" and almost describing it as a physical things makes me feel so seen. My whole life, I consistently have felt any sort of overwhelming feeling or anxiety as a physical energy that I need to expel in some way. It feels like there's electricity just sitting in my chest/upper back/throat
I've never really heard anyone else describing it in a similar way. Normally it leads to an urge to scream, hit something, run, or just *move* in some way. I've just never acted on it because I hate doing anything that draws attention to myself.
I think it's the reason I like sitting on swings so much, too. When I'm on a swing it feels kind of like the energy gets caught in the air and is completely removed from my body.
Same here
I’m almost 45 and didn’t know what I was having were meltdowns until maybe 1 year ago. That description of how it feels like there’s an energy in my body trying to get out is so spot on. I’ve had them all my life triggered by all types of situations that overwhelmed me. I think I have shutdowns, too, but those are harder to pinpoint. I have also had the issue of not remembering exactly and then being called a liar, manipulative, over dramatic, attention seeking, too sensitive, and so on.
Meltdowns do all types of things to me. One is making so I completely lose my appetite for hours, even if I was hungry before. I do have self- harm issues during, and have injured myself.
As someone who had no had support for any of this, and receiving negative responses only, my only mechanism is to try to avoid them at all costs. To hide when it’s coming. It’s usually clear when it’s coming with the buildup. I usually feel better after it’s over, like the pressure released, but also feel shaken up for a while. I just try to be calm and distract myself with low stress things after to recover.
14:43 brought back a memory of a time where I was feeling too overwhelmed to go to school in the morning (which would happen a lot) and I was crying and said something along the lines of "[The Dog's] the only one in this house who actually likes me".
On God hearing people talk about panic-attack feeling meltdowns is eye opening for me. Used to work in a fast food chain that worked in batch meal cooking and then serving from a steam table. I would literally get the shakes, aggressively plate meals in an effort to be fast, my heart would be beating fast as hell, I'd be yelling and freaking out at other people any time we had a rush. And come to think of it the only time I was ever remotely in a normal state there was when I was in the back cutting veggies or cooking food with my earphones in. And even then, i was contending with multiple physical pain areas in my body. The rest of the time I was in a constant state of rage, panic, or when I was home (which felt like never), i wanted to shut down so badly but I was at that time having to babysit on all but one of my days off work. So then i had to also deal with a screaming baby which sent me into more anger.
watching these videos always make me cry of happiness. my mom has always told me all my feelings are simply depression or anxiety. these videos really help me feel seen. I recently started therapy and they are considering diagnosing me with autism.
What i personally love to hear is as simple as "i hear you" and a tight hug.
I DIDNT HAVE ANGER ISSUES
NOW I HAVE PROOF
THANK YOU
Its very possible. I got a lot of harmful "treatment" for "anger issues" and I kept saying "this isn't anger". Finally got correctly diagnosed, they were always meltdowns. I needed completely different treatments than I was receiving.
@@swissarmyknight4306 treatments?
My parents just turned the other way and let kids make fun of me when I got overstimulated
It's horrible when it happens to you in public and there's no family or friends to help you out of it. I must look completely out of control. It's definitely a side of myself I don't want others to see. My family including my children and husband have seen it for years. A later brain injury made it worse. I feel trapped and I panic but I still can't stop the meltdown on my own. I'm always thankful for the kindness and empathy of a stranger who apparently realizes before I do that things are out of control and helps me calm down. I'm so grateful for that. There is a feeling of intense shame afterwards but the kindness of those strangers has helped me to realize that I'm not alone. Others experience them too or have a loved one who struggles too.
I'm only just realizing at nearly 40 that I'm autistic. Thank you for this. Your content has helped a lot. I now understand that these "episodes" I've had periodically throughout my life were meltdowns, which helps me understand the causes and maybe how to avoid some in the future, plus how to deal with them when they happen. I've walked out of holiday dinners. A hotel clerk once had to lock me in a bathroom until I could stop sobbing long enough to speak. I've hid under desks. I even cussed out a gate agent once. It all makes sense now. Thank you.
My threshold for meltdowns was always really low as a child it was basically every other day. And to be honest that threshold has not gotten much better, but its been shutdowns instead of meltdowns, which is certainly an improvement in public spaces (though it tends to have a more negative effect on the rest of my day).
I had a shutdown in class recently, and my English teacher threatened to call the Dean of Students on me. Long story short, I had a shutdown that mainly affected my verbality. I couldn't talk, although my thoughts were clear enough. It ended up fusing into a panic attack after my teacher threatened disciplinary action. Picture this shy, panicking, high-masking autistic who's unable to speak being told that they're being a bad person. I couldn't communicate that I needed help, either, as my main alternative communication method is writing and my teacher is legally blind.
I don't trust that teacher too much anymore
Adding on, this was the first shutdown I'd had in her class. This has not been a recurring thing. I was overstimulated and a friend offered to ask the teacher something in my place. The teacher then called me out of the class and scolded me for using others to communicate.
I spent so much of my life thinking that I had terrible anger issues because I'm low-support, high-masking, hyperverbal, & hyperlexic; i.e. no diagnosis. I had several suspensions from middle school at the beginning of the school year when I was 11, the age my district moved us all up to that school. When I worked retail, I had meltdowns every Christmas season. I think I punched the lockers at work during one because when I came out my knuckles were bleeding. After a while I thought I had figured out how to deal with it only to realize, after looking at my life through the lens of autism, that I had been having shutdowns.
When I have a shutdown, I dream of screaming that night.
Your swimming pool story really resonated with me. I've just had a profound realization.
When I was 23 I worked as an architect in an office, and I hated it so so so so much, I cried on my way to work on most days, it was such a horrible job, I had been bullied there and it was all a mess of miscommunication and exhaustion. I wanted to get out. And in my mind the only way to do that was to enrol at a fancy film school in France because I was obsessed with animation. So I made the short list and had been invited to the school for an interview. This was huge for me. When I arrived there I loved the school, and my exams went very well, and before the interview I was very confident and wasn't worried at all. But as soon as I entered the room and saw the board of animated film directors who were to interview me and judge me on my work, I started crying uncontrollably. I didn't know why it happened or how to stop it. In the end I didn't get in because they thought I was "too emotional". I tried to analyse it for years and years. I thought it was a panic attack though deep down I knew it wasn't it, and only now I realized it was a meltdown. Damn.
Ps.: I'm happy I ended up not going to that school, I would have hated living in France.
Additional autistic fact: I only managed to calm down and regain my ability to speak when one of the board members asked me why I had so many cycling themed drawings and film ideas. So I started infodumping about cycling (one of my most significant special interests) and that cheered me up, so I managed to get through the interview.
🥲 I realized I was autistic many years later.
I did not expect to learn so much! I guess before this video I thought I’d only had shutdowns as a kid, but not any meltdown. But this made me realize that I’ve done all of these…multiple times.
It was especially helpful to hear from the person who talked about “needing to get this energy out of my body”. I’ve never heard anyone else say that, but I’ve told it to every one of my therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists…and somehow none of them ever made the connection. I used to deal with it in self-destructive ways (and sometimes still do), but I would run myself ragged trying to just yeet the feeling from my body. It was validating to hear someone else describe the feeling in the same way.
i havent had too many meltdowns but i do remember one reasonably well. the meltdown itself is a bit patchy but i remember some details of it and quite a lot of detail of everything leading up to it.
i was in london on holiday during one of the summer heatwaves so i'd already not got much sleep that morning (i think i got like 2 hours?? it was BOILING and the fan in the room worked but didnt really help at all so i just turned it off). i didnt have much breakfast either because i didnt want yoghurt and the toaster the hotel had didnt work very well so bread was either basically untoasted or like charcoal. i ate some food though, so i wasn't totally starving.
after breakfast my parents and i went to go get on the train to where we were visiting that morning (the natural history and science museums - if i hadnt had a meltdown it wouldve been my favourite day of the entire holiday; i'd ALWAYS wanted to visit the natural history museum). it was pretty quiet on the train, but not so much when we actually got to london.
i'd only visited london once before so i definitely wasn't used to how layered the sounds are, if that makes sense (lots of sounds at once overwhelm me more than one individual loud sound).
we went on about 3 different trains in the span of about 10 minutes and i remember feeling like i was about 5 minutes behind the world - i couldn't process everything as it happened because it was like- get on the train. 1 minute later get off the train. walk to the next train. get on the train. 30 seconds later get off the train. etc etc.
we went to the science museum first and at that point i was already annoyed and exhausted from all the changing trains and constant walking without getting a chance to sit down and process everything. i didn't care about it much because of that and i was just in a bad mood the whole time we were there, though i felt better after having an early lunch.
then i rememebr that we went into the natural history museum straight after, but it was even busier than usual because they were letting people in without checking their tickets (i know it's free to enter, but i couldn't even look at half the exhibits because there were so many people; so that made everything worse). we got through a few sections and i just felt so tired and kinda spaced out.
i just wanted to leave for a bit and collect myself but if we'd left i think we would've had to queue again so we decided to stay. i didn't protest, but only because i wanted to just get through the rest of the museum; though i was very aware of how awful i felt.
even when we got to the bird section, my favourite section (birds have been my special interest since i was little); because it was so busy i couldn't actually see the exhibit up close and just take a minute to breathe and engage in something i enjoyed, so yet again we just moved on and kept walking. it was at this point i think i just kind of descended into meltdown.
in the museum, the bird section is right next to a huge corridor with icthyosaur fossils on the wall (or it was when i visited) which was super busy with kids screamign and crying and people chatting, as you would expect. the lights were super bright and there wasn't much space to actually move around so i kept bumping into people a bit - not painfully shoving me out the way or anything, but it didn't help at all.
i remember crying and trying to stop crying because i was like- 16 and in a public place and i didn't want to embarrass myself, but not being able to stop crying or calm myself down. i know that i couldn't help it, but people staring at me for crying would've probably made everything even worse so i just kept walking and trying not to cry or make a scene.
i don't even rememebr which way we walked but we got to the cafe and i told my mum i wanted to leave at that point because my head hurt and i was just so fed up and exhausted, which she didn't let me do. she gave me some water i think, and we sat in the cafe until i was a bit calmer. i remember still feeling exhausted and not wanting to be there, and i think i was quite shaky and i'd lost my appetite even though i'd not eaten that much.
we did go back to the bird section one more time before giving up and leaving, and it was pretty empty at that point so it was quieter and i got to look at it in detail which definitely made me feel better, but i still felt fed up and exhausted for the rest of the day (it was only about 12:30pm at that point so i would've felt like crap for another 10 hours or so before going to bed).
i honestly wish i'd just insisted on leaving a lot earlier than we did
Thank you for talking about su*c*dal ideation during meltdowns. I am recently diagnosed ASD & ADHD. I have these "episodes" (I never knew what they were) where I become incredibly overwhelmed and agitated and feel an incredible amount of emotional pain, and I have to go home so that I don't run out into traffic. For a time in my life I could not drive because of these episodes as I had frequent urges to crash my car. I didn't realise I was having meltdowns. This video has been really informative, thank you! I've had all of those types of meltdowns in my lifetime.
im potentially on the spectrum but I also have diagnosed OCD and I find there are times when my OCD symptoms flare up that I have meltdown type behavior. Especially if im driving alone, I end up shrieking at nothing and sobbing uncontrollably. It's a horrible, horrible feeling. Even hearing other people talk about feeling that way is making me super emotional.
I tend to have the shutdown type of meltdown. When I’m in that state, feel like I have two choices: think or act. I can’t do both. If someone asks me a question or requires some response from me, it’s hard for me to answer them because I need to come up with a response (think) and give the response (act) at the same time. I usually just end up stuttering my way through a stock reply that doesn’t really give any information.
I experience both Crying/Screaming meltdowns, and Shutdowns were I go mute for hours or all day. As a kid I used to be physically destructive too.
Both end up feeling like I've run a full marathon in under an hour, and am exhuasted for a day/days after I have come out of the worst of it.
I hate it, and I don't like going into too many specific details as it will trigger a meltdown or shutdown just talking about it for too long. Even just typing this much I can already feel me getting anxious and overwhelmed.
No one can see what is going on inside and the build up to it, to the folk outside it looks like it came out of no where.
I hate it.
This video was very important for me i used to have a lot of panic attacks when i lived with my parents and felt out of control all the time. It didn’t quite fit with what panic attacks were described like when i looked them up but i just remember them being incredibly intense and like you said, feeling like it will never end. My parents were on the more strict end so i would have to go in my room lock the door and do different things to help myself calm down. Whether that was listening to music in my headphones screaming in a pillow or just crying uncontrollably until i was too exhausted to cry any more.I never quite knew what it was and i have since stopped thinking about them but this video was honestly soooooo eye opening. I sure wish i knew this when i was going through it then, because god forbid the times a meltdown happened when i couldnt go lock myself in my room . Some of those memories still keep me up at night.
I used to get meltdowns a LOT as a child. Multiple times a week. I would scream and shout, damaging my relationships, and I’d stim in harmful ways. I agree with Paige Layle’s assertion that it’s like being possessed- it’s a haze over you, you’ve got no control, and afterwards you’re left there struggling to understand what happened. Sometimes I’ve forgotten even having a meltdown because of how highly emotional it is. I couldn’t tell why I was so upset or what I needed to do to recover. Many times I would be melting down because of a panic attack, but I didn’t know what that was or how to express my fear in a productive manner, so I would argue and yell. It was hellish for me and for my family, who just thought I was tantrumming and defiant. I had no coping mechanisms, and no one knew why I was like that. Meltdowns for me would also only happen at home/with my family, so when I was upset at home my family would ask me why I was able to be good at school but never at home. I DID meltdown at school several times, and every time was one of the most humiliating experiences of my life.
When I was 14, I was diagnosed with autism, and I started to be able to understand myself and my needs. I now use sensory tools to protect me from the constant barrage of too-much on my senses that before would make me on edge and uncomfortable without any understanding of why I was uncomfortable. I’m better able to recognize when I’m overwhelmed and when I need to get out of a situation. I know that after a strenuous activity like a party or a long school day , I will need time to be alone and decompress. I also have strategies and medications to manage my anxiety. Now, I rarely have meltdowns. I just get shutdowns, which while miserable (I often lose the ability to talk or interact with the world) are preferable to meltdowns- inward misery doesn’t require apologies later for destroying relationships.
I didn't know the running away thing was a type of meltdown! I was put on medication i reacted poorly to as a young teen, and me trying to run away/actually running away from the house became a nightly occurrence. It got so bad my mom insisted i sleep in her bed with her so she could keep an eye on me. I felt like i had to get out, like I was bad and it would be better for everyone if i just left. I also didn't know meltdowns can look and to some degree, feel, like panic attacks. I do genuinely have panic attacks, but sometimes they just feel different, and those are probably meltdowns. Sometimes i get ones that are a combination of crying/hitting myself and panic.