I think it doesn't even have to be as drastic as getting smacked across the face to learn to suppress your own needs in childhood. Poverty is huge in teaching people to suppress their own needs. If you can sense it stresses your parents out because you want to eat a certain meal, you learn quickly not to have needs and to "eat what you're given".
Agreed! I lived through that. My mother was a widow having to raise 2 children, and she never saw me as a child, she shared with me every single of her problems and concerns. I remember a time I had toothache, but I never told her, I kept the pain silently to myself for a very long time, while she complained that I didn't look happy all the time. Not looking happy really made her mad, even if she new you had a reason for that, she was the only person allowed to show other emotions. Anyways, I hid the pain because I worried she wouldn't have the money to bring me to the dentist, and as a child I didn't know I could have access to one without paying for it in my country.
I'm a 24 year old male, and I suspect that I might have BPD. I'm very afraid of rejection and paranoid about people finding stuff out about me that will cause them to shun me. The fear of rejection is 1,000X worse in romantic and sexual relationships, and I worry all the time that no woman will ever love me in those ways and that unless I seize everything in front of me that even remotely looks like an opportunity, it will never happen. Ironically, I also feel terrified whenever a woman actually agrees to go on a date with me. I think part of it is that I'm afraid of commitment and afraid of making myself vulnerable, even though another part of me desperately hopes to be able to make myself totally vulnerable and be loved and accepted. It makes no sense, I know. I just feel like I'm too ugly, socially inept, and just plain weird to ever be loved, and I also feel worthless a lot of the time. Does this sound like BPD?
This sounds exactly like what my close childhood friend is going through. Would be curious if you’ve looked further into understanding if that disorder is applicable to you.
Dr. Honda seems to conceptualise personality disorders as having resulted from environmental reasons but it seems to be ignoring genetic influences. There's considerable evidence showing that these disorders tend to run in families, same in twin studies which support a genetic component, etc. I think this should be acknowledged.
I think the other letter you responded to recently was from a woman speaking about her mother. She said you made her feel like she should forgive her mother and you said you don't think people should forgive their abusers if they don't want to and you never advocate that.
I'm a total amateur but the way but I conceptualise criminal psychopaths as people who feel people need to be punished because they didnt get their needs met and/or they were modelled extreme punishment behaviour. We all have a reduction in empathy when we see someone as guilty, and like all personality disorders is therefore based in a normal defence
Great episode thanks! For clarity’s sake, you say you diagnose your friends. Do you mean for yourself, or is this information you share with them? Do you only share if they ask or do you tell them, unprompted. Edit: I ask because this has come up in my life and I’m conflicted about boundaries around it.
If I had to guess, I would say he doesn’t tell them if not asked. He’s talked about how people are too quick to diagnose others, and I think he would find it inappropriate to communicate his thoughts if he’s not seeing them professionally.
He mentioned that he has tried to reason and share insight and push them into treatment, but it doesn't work 99% of the time. So if you want a good outcome, likely better to keep it to yourself but encouraging people to seek help when they ask. Like Dr Honda said, do you think they don't know therapists exist? ;)
I think it doesn't even have to be as drastic as getting smacked across the face to learn to suppress your own needs in childhood. Poverty is huge in teaching people to suppress their own needs. If you can sense it stresses your parents out because you want to eat a certain meal, you learn quickly not to have needs and to "eat what you're given".
This is scary conditioning - how do you even get to start to understand yourself when so many things shape you over time
Agreed! I lived through that. My mother was a widow having to raise 2 children, and she never saw me as a child, she shared with me every single of her problems and concerns. I remember a time I had toothache, but I never told her, I kept the pain silently to myself for a very long time, while she complained that I didn't look happy all the time. Not looking happy really made her mad, even if she new you had a reason for that, she was the only person allowed to show other emotions. Anyways, I hid the pain because I worried she wouldn't have the money to bring me to the dentist, and as a child I didn't know I could have access to one without paying for it in my country.
Only 9 min in- thanks for posting this. It’s really nice to hear that we aren’t our diagnosis and that we’re all on a spectrum
HAHAHAHA
" WHO ARE YOU?" " im your friend of 26 years "
jeeesus
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Excellent choice to rerun
I'm a 24 year old male, and I suspect that I might have BPD. I'm very afraid of rejection and paranoid about people finding stuff out about me that will cause them to shun me. The fear of rejection is 1,000X worse in romantic and sexual relationships, and I worry all the time that no woman will ever love me in those ways and that unless I seize everything in front of me that even remotely looks like an opportunity, it will never happen. Ironically, I also feel terrified whenever a woman actually agrees to go on a date with me. I think part of it is that I'm afraid of commitment and afraid of making myself vulnerable, even though another part of me desperately hopes to be able to make myself totally vulnerable and be loved and accepted. It makes no sense, I know. I just feel like I'm too ugly, socially inept, and just plain weird to ever be loved, and I also feel worthless a lot of the time. Does this sound like BPD?
This sounds exactly like what my close childhood friend is going through. Would be curious if you’ve looked further into understanding if that disorder is applicable to you.
Dr. Honda seems to conceptualise personality disorders as having resulted from environmental reasons but it seems to be ignoring genetic influences. There's considerable evidence showing that these disorders tend to run in families, same in twin studies which support a genetic component, etc. I think this should be acknowledged.
I know this is a rerun. But I can tell both your voices sounds younger.
I think the other letter you responded to recently was from a woman speaking about her mother. She said you made her feel like she should forgive her mother and you said you don't think people should forgive their abusers if they don't want to and you never advocate that.
I'm a total amateur but the way but I conceptualise criminal psychopaths as people who feel people need to be punished because they didnt get their needs met and/or they were modelled extreme punishment behaviour. We all have a reduction in empathy when we see someone as guilty, and like all personality disorders is therefore based in a normal defence
Great episode thanks! For clarity’s sake, you say you diagnose your friends. Do you mean for yourself, or is this information you share with them? Do you only share if they ask or do you tell them, unprompted.
Edit: I ask because this has come up in my life and I’m conflicted about boundaries around it.
If I had to guess, I would say he doesn’t tell them if not asked. He’s talked about how people are too quick to diagnose others, and I think he would find it inappropriate to communicate his thoughts if he’s not seeing them professionally.
He mentioned that he has tried to reason and share insight and push them into treatment, but it doesn't work 99% of the time. So if you want a good outcome, likely better to keep it to yourself but encouraging people to seek help when they ask. Like Dr Honda said, do you think they don't know therapists exist? ;)
Thank you for posting this episode
Good episode, thank you
Love this! :)))