B4 narc abuse became understood throughout online awareness, it was a surreal experience impossible to share which compounded its complexity. Most People including councillors were unable to see the truth, or even grasp the magnitude, which further compounded feeling invalidated, unsupported, confused and frustrated. Survivors are carrying heavy emotional & psychological burdens that most are unable to comprehend. TY Michele for educating & helping to heal those affected by NA 😎❤️🙏
Very well described. Once well into thriving those horrible mind attacks won't be forgot. But they will be used to advance to heights unreachable by any narc, any where, any time. For me it was being happy with myself, by myself or in a crowd. Compared to walking on glass constantly it is Utopia.
It's so true! I had 3 therapist and seemed like none of them understood how it was being a victim of narcissistic abuse. The more I talked to them the more I felt frustrated and felt like the problem was in me.
I had the same experience. I’ve been struggling for 15 years now. No one ever really understood and some would even diminish what I was going through. Finding literature on narcissism and gaslighting has been a game changer for me. It has finally given me a framework to make sense of what I experienced and the pain I’ve been feeling.
I just went OFF so bad until it scared me about 2 days ago. I’m always being told I’m disrespectful, masculine, angry and the list goes on and on. He fails to realize he causes my anger, the cursing, and the disrespect. I’m not that person, it’s like he’s trying to make me go mentally crazy. But I choose myself and my children. I am currently in no contact whatsoever.
I did the same Michelle - talked to myself in different voices, masculine and feminine. And, also I screamed over and over and over again..."There's nothing wrong with me!" and "I deserve better!!"
My anger is fear of being taken advantage off again. It's a self defense against future abusers. I can't stop it, its apart of me now. Being raised by a narcissist mom has been me distrustful of the opposite sex and anger with those that even hint of taking advantage.
I became a person that can flip a switch and become pure wrath. It scares people. I have started to work on letting go of resentments. Sometimes the wrath lands on a target that didn't deserve that level of aggressive response.
Exactly the same for me, I hold on to anger so I don't forgive what they did to me and prevent any future abuse, anger is what keeps me in no contact and I'm much better off without them. Even if I ever forgive them, my intention is to keep them away from me, so they don't ever have the chance to hurt me again
I was sexually abused as a child by an older cousin in my home. It was ignored and my feelings invalidated by neglectful parents. Ended up in a 25yr long abusive marriage with a malignant narcissist, who was sexually aggressive and abusive. It finally evoked deep anger directed the narc, who finally discarded me and our children. I'm healing and trying to piece together my wounded child.
This is something I have a real problem with, Michele, even 3 years after the fact. When I think about it, I get just as furious as I did when the discard happened. So much anger and resentment.
Me too! Anger...the feelong I didn't get my say. It also took me a long time to puzzle together how he manipulated me in those 16 years. Also the pain of the discard is still there...the deep betrayal! The hurt! How will we ever be free?
Thank you, Michele! I found your videos in Early 2019 right around my 30th birthday. After 30 years, finally realized I was being abused and my family is filled narcissists! I watched your video, used your resources, and took courses to help heal! I am a much different person now!
I've done the writing letters & reading them out loud with the emotions that come up. It really truly helps. I add one more step though, I burn it afterwards. There is something so cathartic watching the paper in flames dissappear into ashes floating away!
Agreed. I burned everything. Every picture, every note, the cards, the flowers, the ticket stubs from the concert we went to. Everything. I burned it all, one at a time. Very therapeutic in letting go.
Is anyone ever healed? I think trauma subsides but will always be there. U need to just find other things to make u happy and focus on other things besides them and narcs
Thanks Michele🥀 1- validate pain. see hear care of pain was inflicted. Every day tell myself in that memory the way I was supposed to be spoken to. 2- Write a letter and read it outloud. Release emotions. Don't stifle them 3- EFT modality on memories not to have intense reactions. 4-When pain is removed, then you can start working in forgiveness and move on
Hi, Michele! I saw this video yesterday... I did the exercise, I validated some of my painful memories and today I woke up sad... And also validated my sadness... As opposed to just complain or get angry... I am more compasionate and more detached...awsome! Thank you😁🤗❤️
Im 17, still living with narc mom. Ive become immune to her manipulation tactics, her guilt tripping and gaslighting. She literally cant manipulate me anymore, but I feel as if I cant let go of the anger. I dont care about the pain that she has inflicted on me in the past, but Im scared because I know that she will never change. Im scared because I know that she will always be that way, and will always try to bring me down. I dont wanna have to deal with that, I dont deserve it. I hope that Ill be able to get as far away from her as possible in the future.
I wrote that letter, yet every morning I still wake up cussing out my false accusers. I will never return to my family. They are lost in their twisted psychopathy and haven't a clue they're so messed up I can't even be around them. Tomorrow my sister is visiting, so I am trying to figure out a way to stay away from the house all day long to avoid her toxicity.
Me too, I keep waking up in a raging fit. I'm fighting with my sister just as Violently Attack her I wake up..I don't know how to heal this or stop it..and I don't want to go to help because of the hate I feel towards her...
I've heard this before in similar videos and from others which is really good advice. For me I don't feel forgiving someone for damages caused is really an option but forgiving yourself is. I've always struggled with this idea of forgiveness but there must be other ways to get past emotional pain. I get it that forgiveness does let you move on, however, some really don't deserve that word especially when its deep trauma left behind. Removing yourself and learning about who you're and why the emotions linger is key I feel. Your video is great as well as your advice in dealing with such issues.
Such a helpful roadmap & video! I am going to spend time working in this area. I do think I am different from who I was a year or two ago; more connected/aware of myself, and able to process. Thank you so much Michele!
I believe that anger, after the narc abuse, is a defense mechanism (useful for not falling into hoovering) against sadness. Sadness is the most dangerous feeling for self preservation but we need to address it in order to heal. I have been raging so bad I couldn't cry.
Agree. Anger is part of you that protects you from falling into their trap. Especially if the abuser is still part of your life. There's nothing wrong with it.
My wife helped me realize that I work out at the gym at such an insane intensity that nobody has ever really wanted to work out with me again after doing it once. I have a special appreciation for people who are really big, ripped, well developed physically, because to get there takes some kind of special drive and level of pain tolerance that most people would call insane. Even at 51, my physique says this guy is angry and likes to pump iron. I have to be intentional about telling myself to disengage, to lose the ability to care or even wonder about things outside of me. I have learned to be more compassionate of others, as the last thing I want to be like is my OG bully and tormenter, narcissistic step dad and world class rager.
This is very good, Michelle! Thank you for sharing this. It is quite helpful! And thank you for opening up about your own experiences. It is very powerful and enlightning, giving me hope for total healing😊
I’ve been struggling with the pain of narcissistic abuse for over 15 years now. I used to be in love with this girl. Things started out well, but her treatment of me became increasingly bipolar. One day she would put me down and say I wasn’t good enough to be with her, and the next she would run to my arms. The swings became more intense over time. After a particularly degrading phone call, I finally complained. She responded by gaslighting me and discarding me overnight. She said a lot of horrible nonsense about me and our relationship, and I unfortunately believed a lot of it. I could never come to terms with how one of my closest friends could so suddenly and callously discard me knowing the harm it was going to cause me. It forced me to question my entire sense of reality. For years I have had no way to vent. No one understands. Hardly anyone even knew her, so they have no frame of reference. Just pain stowed inside. I thought that dating other girls would resolve it, but it was only a temporary fix. Even getting married and having children hasn’t stopped the pain.
Cease any and all contact where possible. Cut ties with a toxic sister. Good riddance. Years wasted in conversations with her that was marked by put downs, sarcasm, passive aggressive words, gas lighting and other stuff.
I'm in the same situation with my sister. I have gone no contact but she recently moved in with my parents whom I still have a relationship with so of course now my anger is back. Good luck to you!
Yes, I have been working thru validating my anger as well. Sibling is disregulated and has emotionally painful and manipulative outbursts. When this happend with my mom when I was young, I would take the approach that I could recognize she was mentally ill and to excuse or disregard her behavior/my anger. I manifested a fawning/denial approach to aggression - this has been making me sick and I take my responsibilty here to realign myself. Presently, sibling uses guilt to dismiss my own boundaries. It has been painful to let the hurtful accusations breeze by me and remind myself, again and again, that I have a responsibility to be my authentic self and say NO. Thank you.
Michele hey! I agree with everything you said, except the need to forgive the narcissist! If a person doesn't dosen't change their actions and repent, then God doesn't even forgive them, so why should I?! I am to be more forgiving than God?! Be well and all the best!! God bless you!!
That's true. I find the idea, that I have to forgive, or I have to love, quite toxic, especially when we are talking about my abuser, who is not changing, not asking for forgiveness, but actively trying to hurt me even more.
So true, I'm still stuck. These people are sick and cannot be helped at all, perdition comes to mind. 'Love them and forgive them, for they know not what they do', Jesus.
Why we should love them? I find that idea of compulsory love so toxic. I don't want to love my abuser. I just want them to be far away and to not interact with me. I don't need revenge, only peace. But certainly not love.
I did this and it did help, but then my brain put a stop to it. Something in my brain does not want to allow me to do this. I guess that's because it's empowering.
But how do you get over the anger from being manipulated? That they kind of humiliated you by fooling you because u feel dumb now for being played by them?
Why is it necessary to forgive? It’s not. It is not necessary to forgive in order to heal. I’m tired of this narrative. I love Michelle’s videos and content. I just don’t get it.
Agree. I was very forgiving person in my teens, I didn't even feel much anger to my bullies. But I was very anxious cause I directed all anger on myself. Forgiveness is religious crap. You need to let go - but it's not the same as forgiveness. You need to focus on the now. It has nothing to do with them, but with your reactions. It's not the anger is the problem but the reaction "I feel anger so it's bad". Now I allow myself to feel anger. I think: I feel anger, I have ruminations about x person and that's okay cause my nervous system is disregulated. I don't punch myself for it cause it makes it worse.
Forgiveness is not about validating their evil, is about being completely indifferent about them. I think you can "forgive", in the sense that they can't hurt you any longer (no rumination or flash backs) even when you are no contact, once you are healed and if you wish to do so. It's better forgive (being immune to them) since you get rid of those feelings such as wishes of revenge and anger because is like drinking poison believing it would hurt them. Don't feel bad if you cannot forgive; you don't have to. It's a choice that once you are healed you may choose. The opposite of love is not hate; it's indifference.
I feel stupid for allowing the narcs into my house, because they surprise showed up at my door after a year of me wanting no contact. I feel like a tit. They will just communicate everything i said to the rest of family and whoever else will listen. One thing that i noticed is, after all this time, theyve convinced themselves further theyve contributed nothing to hurt me growing up and they were perfect and the best parents who did x y and z. Everything was passed back to me and "it wasnt me that did or said that, it was you. I just said this, you came to your own conclusions." And then i asked to never show up at my door or contact me ever again. No closure is closure
But why moving on should be connected with forgiveness? Somebody hurt me in the past, I want to move on and live a healthy, happy life. That person is not sorry, and doesn't want to help me in any way. I don't want to forgive them, and I think I don't have to.
I agree with you. They don’t want my forgiveness because they don’t want to admit they did anything wrong. They don’t deserve the privilege of my vulnerability, time, effort, let alone forgiveness. But I will move on, for MY sake.
The second I spoke for myself, this critical voice in my head that my NF instilled started screeching and saying im selfish for wanting to move on from him. But I recognise that voice as a part of him that he’s left for me to deal with and he scared of. That voice is the enemy. It’s the first time I’ve done anything for me and I feel guilty about it. I don’t need to anymore. It’s not protecting me to be guilty, like it was when I was a child. Now I can protect me. I’m not sure where the voice is but I’m going to find it and subdue the speaker. I hope you do, too.
I have been going through a divorce with a Narcissist for over 3 years. She have been doing everything possible to alienate me from our children and after several court hearings it’s still going on. I continue to resist her at great cost. How do you forgive and move on when you are still in a battle with the one that’s coercively controlling and hurting your kids and your ability to have a relationship with them? I want to heal and move on but I still need to battle for the well-being of my children.
Sometimes, I think they fiercely battle for custody just because they know they are torturing you through them. Of course, I don't mean you disengage about your children welfare. Wishing you and your kids the best.
No, you don t. The minute you show a narcissist you don t care about your children... They give them back to you... She doesn t want to win your children, she only wants to bitter you in court... I recommend you narc free family youtube channel, as this lady faces your same situations... She said one time... The narc is babysitting my children, thinking i am annoyed, while i am taking some vacation in Spain...
Stands for portable document format - its a document you can download!! The PDF that I mentioned in this video - I Miss Me & Want Me Back is available for free on my website - www.micheleleenieves.com -
No relationships was there always trying to get them to go and still nerc will not go ,sits next door fishing abusing more and more, control ling internet
No offense but these solutions seem more geared towards women. Men don't act this way. I don't want to write stuff down and repeat mantras in my head to brainwash myself into forgiving my abuser. I want to see them broken and hurting like they left me. I want justice and revenge. Men don't operate in the realm of emotion we want to see actual results.
I hear you. If this helps knowing that the narc is living their negative karma all the time. To operate in the way they did to us is how they live life - would you want that for a life? That’s your revenge
Just wrote her the letter she’ll never see 🤍🙏🏾 Went from first sentences shacky hands to my old smooth penmanship. Thank you Michele, every step forward is a huge step forward. 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽
@Michele Lee Nieves Coaching Regarding the Ko-fi cosplay page that you shared, would you suggest people try out cosplay and going to cosplay conventions to work out anger and resentment issues, and did that help you (and I mean, obviously for fun, too)? Thanks! 🙂💚🙏
B4 narc abuse became understood throughout online awareness, it was a surreal experience impossible to share which compounded its complexity. Most People including councillors were unable to see the truth, or even grasp the magnitude, which further compounded feeling invalidated, unsupported, confused and frustrated. Survivors are carrying heavy emotional & psychological burdens that most are unable to comprehend. TY Michele for educating & helping to heal those affected by NA 😎❤️🙏
Very well described. Once well into thriving those horrible mind attacks won't be forgot. But they will be used to advance to heights unreachable by any narc, any where, any time. For me it was being happy with myself, by myself or in a crowd. Compared to walking on glass constantly it is Utopia.
It's so true! I had 3 therapist and seemed like none of them understood how it was being a victim of narcissistic abuse. The more I talked to them the more I felt frustrated and felt like the problem was in me.
So true! And many therapist still do not understand narcissistic abuse.
I had the same experience. I’ve been struggling for 15 years now. No one ever really understood and some would even diminish what I was going through. Finding literature on narcissism and gaslighting has been a game changer for me. It has finally given me a framework to make sense of what I experienced and the pain I’ve been feeling.
I just went OFF so bad until it scared me about 2 days ago. I’m always being told I’m disrespectful, masculine, angry and the list goes on and on. He fails to realize he causes my anger, the cursing, and the disrespect. I’m not that person, it’s like he’s trying to make me go mentally crazy. But I choose myself and my children. I am currently in no contact whatsoever.
I did the same Michelle - talked to myself in different voices, masculine and feminine. And, also I screamed over and over and over again..."There's nothing wrong with me!" and "I deserve better!!"
My anger is fear of being taken advantage off again. It's a self defense against future abusers. I can't stop it, its apart of me now. Being raised by a narcissist mom has been me distrustful of the opposite sex and anger with those that even hint of taking advantage.
Me too. I feel the same way
I became a person that can flip a switch and become pure wrath. It scares people. I have started to work on letting go of resentments. Sometimes the wrath lands on a target that didn't deserve that level of aggressive response.
Exactly the same for me, I hold on to anger so I don't forgive what they did to me and prevent any future abuse, anger is what keeps me in no contact and I'm much better off without them. Even if I ever forgive them, my intention is to keep them away from me, so they don't ever have the chance to hurt me again
I was sexually abused as a child by an older cousin in my home. It was ignored and my feelings invalidated by neglectful parents. Ended up in a 25yr long abusive marriage with a malignant narcissist, who was sexually aggressive and abusive. It finally evoked deep anger directed the narc, who finally discarded me and our children. I'm healing and trying to piece together my wounded child.
This is something I have a real problem with, Michele, even 3 years after the fact. When I think about it, I get just as furious as I did when the discard happened. So much anger and resentment.
me too!
michelle this is the first time the pitch to forgive has resonated with me.Thx
Me too! Anger...the feelong I didn't get my say. It also took me a long time to puzzle together how he manipulated me in those 16 years. Also the pain of the discard is still there...the deep betrayal! The hurt!
How will we ever be free?
I am 52 years old and I embrace the scared child in me as an adult. Both parts found peace. Thank you, Michele.
Thank you, Michele! I found your videos in Early 2019 right around my 30th birthday. After 30 years, finally realized I was being abused and my family is filled narcissists! I watched your video, used your resources, and took courses to help heal! I am a much different person now!
Sooooo happy for you Xiaoxi!!!!!! Wishing you nothing but the best =D
I've done the writing letters & reading them out loud with the emotions that come up. It really truly helps. I add one more step though, I burn it afterwards. There is something so cathartic watching the paper in flames dissappear into ashes floating away!
Agreed. I burned everything. Every picture, every note, the cards, the flowers, the ticket stubs from the concert we went to. Everything. I burned it all, one at a time. Very therapeutic in letting go.
yeeesss!!! I forgot to mention that part.... I completely agree!!!
Forgiving a narc abuser is possible but doing it every single day becomes tiring.
Is anyone ever healed? I think trauma subsides but will always be there. U need to just find other things to make u happy and focus on other things besides them and narcs
Absolutely... Part of the healing is leaving our addiction on the narc and redirect our energy to our hobbies, projects and new life! Narc free🤗😊❤️
Thanks Michele🥀
1- validate pain. see hear care of pain was inflicted. Every day tell myself in that memory the way I was supposed to be spoken to.
2- Write a letter and read it outloud. Release emotions. Don't stifle them
3- EFT modality on memories not to have intense reactions.
4-When pain is removed, then you can start working in forgiveness and move on
Hi, Michele! I saw this video yesterday... I did the exercise, I validated some of my painful memories and today I woke up sad... And also validated my sadness... As opposed to just complain or get angry... I am more compasionate and more detached...awsome! Thank you😁🤗❤️
This video may have just saved my life.
Im 17, still living with narc mom. Ive become immune to her manipulation tactics, her guilt tripping and gaslighting. She literally cant manipulate me anymore, but I feel as if I cant let go of the anger. I dont care about the pain that she has inflicted on me in the past, but Im scared because I know that she will never change. Im scared because I know that she will always be that way, and will always try to bring me down. I dont wanna have to deal with that, I dont deserve it. I hope that Ill be able to get as far away from her as possible in the future.
I wrote that letter, yet every morning I still wake up cussing out my false accusers. I will never return to my family. They are lost in their twisted psychopathy and haven't a clue they're so messed up I can't even be around them. Tomorrow my sister is visiting, so I am trying to figure out a way to stay away from the house all day long to avoid her toxicity.
Me too, I keep waking up in a raging fit. I'm fighting with my sister just as Violently Attack her I wake up..I don't know how to heal this or stop it..and I don't want to go to help because of the hate I feel towards her...
It's really hard. I mean my mother almost ruined my life. She is a narcissistic and a violent one. I don't want her to have that power over me.
I've heard this before in similar videos and from others which is really good advice. For me I don't feel forgiving someone for damages caused is really an option but forgiving yourself is. I've always struggled with this idea of forgiveness but there must be other ways to get past emotional pain. I get it that forgiveness does let you move on, however, some really don't deserve that word especially when its deep trauma left behind. Removing yourself and learning about who you're and why the emotions linger is key I feel. Your video is great as well as your advice in dealing with such issues.
Such a helpful roadmap & video! I am going to spend time working in this area. I do think I am different from who I was a year or two ago; more connected/aware of myself, and able to process. Thank you so much Michele!
I believe that anger, after the narc abuse, is a defense mechanism (useful for not falling into hoovering) against sadness. Sadness is the most dangerous feeling for self preservation but we need to address it in order to heal. I have been raging so bad I couldn't cry.
Agree. Anger is part of you that protects you from falling into their trap. Especially if the abuser is still part of your life. There's nothing wrong with it.
I would love to see a video on why ppl always side with the abusive parents
My wife helped me realize that I work out at the gym at such an insane intensity that nobody has ever really wanted to work out with me again after doing it once. I have a special appreciation for people who are really big, ripped, well developed physically, because to get there takes some kind of special drive and level of pain tolerance that most people would call insane. Even at 51, my physique says this guy is angry and likes to pump iron. I have to be intentional about telling myself to disengage, to lose the ability to care or even wonder about things outside of me. I have learned to be more compassionate of others, as the last thing I want to be like is my OG bully and tormenter, narcissistic step dad and world class rager.
...and thank you for your very sweet personality. It warms my heart. I dare to say it because I am 73😊
This is very good, Michelle! Thank you for sharing this. It is quite helpful! And thank you for opening up about your own experiences. It is very powerful and enlightning, giving me hope for total healing😊
Oh my, did I need to hear this.
I’ve been struggling with the pain of narcissistic abuse for over 15 years now.
I used to be in love with this girl. Things started out well, but her treatment of me became increasingly bipolar. One day she would put me down and say I wasn’t good enough to be with her, and the next she would run to my arms. The swings became more intense over time. After a particularly degrading phone call, I finally complained.
She responded by gaslighting me and discarding me overnight. She said a lot of horrible nonsense about me and our relationship, and I unfortunately believed a lot of it.
I could never come to terms with how one of my closest friends could so suddenly and callously discard me knowing the harm it was going to cause me. It forced me to question my entire sense of reality.
For years I have had no way to vent. No one understands. Hardly anyone even knew her, so they have no frame of reference.
Just pain stowed inside. I thought that dating other girls would resolve it, but it was only a temporary fix. Even getting married and having children hasn’t stopped the pain.
Thanks again and I feel compelled to share this with my boyfriend
Great video Michele ! Can you do a video tell us more about how drinking effects a narcs blazing anger!
Cease any and all contact where possible. Cut ties with a toxic sister. Good riddance. Years wasted in conversations with her that was marked by put downs, sarcasm, passive aggressive words, gas lighting and other stuff.
I'm in the same situation with my sister. I have gone no contact but she recently moved in with my parents whom I still have a relationship with so of course now my anger is back. Good luck to you!
Yes, I have been working thru validating my anger as well. Sibling is disregulated and has emotionally painful and manipulative outbursts. When this happend with my mom when I was young, I would take the approach that I could recognize she was mentally ill and to excuse or disregard her behavior/my anger. I manifested a fawning/denial approach to aggression - this has been making me sick and I take my responsibilty here to realign myself. Presently, sibling uses guilt to dismiss my own boundaries. It has been painful to let the hurtful accusations breeze by me and remind myself, again and again, that I have a responsibility to be my authentic self and say NO. Thank you.
I won't forgive and dont want to as they don't deserve it at all.
BUT I would like to move forward without so much anger and resentment.
Finally something that speaks to me. Thank you so much for this, and for your time to help others ❤️
Michele hey!
I agree with everything you said, except the need to forgive the narcissist!
If a person doesn't dosen't change their actions and repent, then God doesn't even forgive them, so why should I?!
I am to be more forgiving than God?!
Be well and all the best!!
God bless you!!
That's true. I find the idea, that I have to forgive, or I have to love, quite toxic, especially when we are talking about my abuser, who is not changing, not asking for forgiveness, but actively trying to hurt me even more.
@@ashleighmason4982 100%
I find the word "forgive doesn't work. I let go.
Thank you for the message Michele! It came right on time.❤💜
So glad!
So true, I'm still stuck. These people are sick and cannot be helped at all, perdition comes to mind. 'Love them and forgive them, for they know not what they do', Jesus.
They do know what they do
@@anamari900 no they do not.
That helps me at times. Love them from a distance.
Why we should love them? I find that idea of compulsory love so toxic. I don't want to love my abuser. I just want them to be far away and to not interact with me. I don't need revenge, only peace. But certainly not love.
Omg! Mind blown!
I'm have nightmares about my sister, she's cause me so much PTSD ..Im praying for help ..
I did this and it did help, but then my brain put a stop to it. Something in my brain does not want to allow me to do this. I guess that's because it's empowering.
Wow. I’ve been doing this without realizing it was a thing. I’m so proud of my instinct to protect myself now
But how do you get over the anger from being manipulated? That they kind of humiliated you by fooling you because u feel dumb now for being played by them?
Where do I even start if I have nobody to assist me in facilitating this process and I'm completely stuck in the freeze response?😵💫😵💫😖😯
Why is it necessary to forgive? It’s not. It is not necessary to forgive in order to heal. I’m tired of this narrative. I love Michelle’s videos and content. I just don’t get it.
Agree. I was very forgiving person in my teens, I didn't even feel much anger to my bullies. But I was very anxious cause I directed all anger on myself. Forgiveness is religious crap. You need to let go - but it's not the same as forgiveness. You need to focus on the now. It has nothing to do with them, but with your reactions. It's not the anger is the problem but the reaction "I feel anger so it's bad". Now I allow myself to feel anger. I think: I feel anger, I have ruminations about x person and that's okay cause my nervous system is disregulated. I don't punch myself for it cause it makes it worse.
Forgiveness is not about validating their evil, is about being completely indifferent about them. I think you can "forgive", in the sense that they can't hurt you any longer (no rumination or flash backs) even when you are no contact, once you are healed and if you wish to do so. It's better forgive (being immune to them) since you get rid of those feelings such as wishes of revenge and anger because is like drinking poison believing it would hurt them. Don't feel bad if you cannot forgive; you don't have to. It's a choice that once you are healed you may choose.
The opposite of love is not hate; it's indifference.
I feel stupid for allowing the narcs into my house, because they surprise showed up at my door after a year of me wanting no contact. I feel like a tit. They will just communicate everything i said to the rest of family and whoever else will listen.
One thing that i noticed is, after all this time, theyve convinced themselves further theyve contributed nothing to hurt me growing up and they were perfect and the best parents who did x y and z. Everything was passed back to me and "it wasnt me that did or said that, it was you. I just said this, you came to your own conclusions." And then i asked to never show up at my door or contact me ever again.
No closure is closure
Yes. Closure is about yourself. You cannot expect closure or repentance from them.
But why moving on should be connected with forgiveness? Somebody hurt me in the past, I want to move on and live a healthy, happy life. That person is not sorry, and doesn't want to help me in any way. I don't want to forgive them, and I think I don't have to.
I agree with you. They don’t want my forgiveness because they don’t want to admit they did anything wrong. They don’t deserve the privilege of my vulnerability, time, effort, let alone forgiveness. But I will move on, for MY sake.
The second I spoke for myself, this critical voice in my head that my NF instilled started screeching and saying im selfish for wanting to move on from him. But I recognise that voice as a part of him that he’s left for me to deal with and he scared of. That voice is the enemy. It’s the first time I’ve done anything for me and I feel guilty about it. I don’t need to anymore. It’s not protecting me to be guilty, like it was when I was a child. Now I can protect me. I’m not sure where the voice is but I’m going to find it and subdue the speaker. I hope you do, too.
I have been going through a divorce with a Narcissist for over 3 years. She have been doing everything possible to alienate me from our children and after several court hearings it’s still going on. I continue to resist her at great cost. How do you forgive and move on when you are still in a battle with the one that’s coercively controlling and hurting your kids and your ability to have a relationship with them? I want to heal and move on but I still need to battle for the well-being of my children.
Sometimes, I think they fiercely battle for custody just because they know they are torturing you through them. Of course, I don't mean you disengage about your children welfare.
Wishing you and your kids the best.
No, you don t. The minute you show a narcissist you don t care about your children... They give them back to you... She doesn t want to win your children, she only wants to bitter you in court... I recommend you narc free family youtube channel, as this lady faces your same situations... She said one time... The narc is babysitting my children, thinking i am annoyed, while i am taking some vacation in Spain...
What’s a PDF?
Stands for portable document format - its a document you can download!! The PDF that I mentioned in this video - I Miss Me & Want Me Back is available for free on my website - www.micheleleenieves.com -
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I don t think there is anger when but forgiveness from me and moving on is what upsets this next door person, wants to make me angry
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No relationships was there always trying to get them to go and still nerc will not go ,sits next door fishing abusing more and more, control ling internet
No offense but these solutions seem more geared towards women. Men don't act this way. I don't want to write stuff down and repeat mantras in my head to brainwash myself into forgiving my abuser. I want to see them broken and hurting like they left me. I want justice and revenge. Men don't operate in the realm of emotion we want to see actual results.
I hear you. If this helps knowing that the narc is living their negative karma all the time. To operate in the way they did to us is how they live life - would you want that for a life? That’s your revenge
There is no wounds but more nercs giving wrong advice
Just wrote her the letter she’ll never see 🤍🙏🏾 Went from first sentences shacky hands to my old smooth penmanship. Thank you Michele, every step forward is a huge step forward. 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽
@Michele Lee Nieves Coaching Regarding the Ko-fi cosplay page that you shared, would you suggest people try out cosplay and going to cosplay conventions to work out anger and resentment issues, and did that help you (and I mean, obviously for fun, too)? Thanks! 🙂💚🙏
no idea what you're talking about...