Love that there is *always* a bookshelf behind Leslie. Always! No matter what the background. Love that she represents reading! And the painting is so pretty!
Thank you for putting this on TH-cam. It is changing my life. All we hear preached is “walking in love“ and what it really means is suck up and let people walk over you. Thank you for being a voice that is not intimidated by traditional Christianity. And I am a pastor by the way, so much to learn wow, thank you for opening up scriptures I have never in my 65 years heard this way!!
Oh yeah. He fixes all kinds of stuff around the house. He lifts heavy stuff and moves us when we need to move. He is a huge help along with his truck. He also is a phenomenal green thumb and so our new garden is thriving. There are wonderful things about him that I really appreciate. And he puts up with me and my stuff. And he tries his best. If I wish it was better, or more, that’s my problem. And sometimes he gets up early to help with the kids. Which feels like a luxury and helps us really be on time more often. That’s valid support. Not every marriage has to be romantic or loving that way.
From “what if” to “what is”! From “if only” to “is only”… From fantasy to reality. To acceptance around the real, not around the illusion. Whatever acceptance of that means to me… my mom used to say, “learn to take life on life’s terms” instead of trying to change, manage or manipulate the terms. We can learn to deal with life as it presents itself.
“Accepting he doesn’t want to do that” [fix your marriage]. Haven’t asked for date night in over a year. He hasn’t even noticed. I literally crossed it off the New Years list on our bedroom door after a year of it not coming to fruition. Because I’d accepted that wasn’t the type of marriage we have. I don’t inspire that sort of romance in him. Other women do. Oh well. His loss. I can take myself out with friends or have fun doing things that make the kids so happy. He hates happiness. That’s his loss.
When staying causes you health issues because the distress is so bad, it affects my ability to keep a job, putting my job at risk that’s time to get away, but then I’m struggling too much with my health to support myself alone with no where to go. So what to do then?? Adding positive things like attending Bible study and getting fellowship can help but doesn’t help me enough to make me stop getting sick easily because heavy stress weakens the immune system. Idk what to do because I’m stuck right now. 6:11 40:59 so much of what I read in two of your books back in 2010 comes to mind here. Over the years I’ve worked through much of it and it’s very apparent here at 40:59. I’ve come a long way trying to undo my own bad inputs into the relationship but now I’m stuck at the place mentioned above. A VERY helpful video for sure! Can’t wait to get through the rest.
I don’t think one can stay well in a destructive marriage. Maybe in a disappointing marriage… but it seems inherently dangerous to stay in a destructive one. Because of the word “destructive”.
But I understand sometimes people have to stay for a while until they can do the work to pull the marriage up and out of disappointing time season or until you can pull yourself out of the entanglement altogether and begin distancing yourself in healthy ways while you strengthen your resources to lean on outside the marriage. Learn so much from the other women! Thank you all!
But if we stay we stay in a loveless marriage in my opinion. Either choice is very difficult. And I really struggle with the theological aspects of a "right" to divorce. My conscience has been bound into a limited allowance of divorce. I have put in the effort, but my effort is my effort and the other parties effort is his to make or not make. I have no control over that. But if I am so afraid of what God will do if I choose to leave...that is a problem and fear based. I agree. But this is where I find myself. Sometimes I long to be free so much, but I stay out of duty.
I will consider what you say Leslie. But I have to say I am extremely skeptical. I am torn between to mindsets. Either choice is difficult. But whatever life I am living...it's not really a life. I will give you that.
“I know that’s how you feel but I don’t agree that a God’s telling me to solve all your problems or that you’re more important than I am.” - Susan Whaaaaaaooooowww! Ok. This is for real. Serious. Yeahs. “He’s getting a payoff…” - Leslie Hmmnnhh… taking this all in like I just saw a magician do an astounding trick on stage.
Love that there is *always* a bookshelf behind Leslie. Always! No matter what the background. Love that she represents reading! And the painting is so pretty!
Thank you for putting this on TH-cam. It is changing my life. All we hear preached is “walking in love“ and what it really means is suck up and let people walk over you. Thank you for being a voice that is not intimidated by traditional Christianity. And I am a pastor by the way, so much to learn wow, thank you for opening up scriptures I have never in my 65 years heard this way!!
Oh yeah. He fixes all kinds of stuff around the house. He lifts heavy stuff and moves us when we need to move. He is a huge help along with his truck. He also is a phenomenal green thumb and so our new garden is thriving. There are wonderful things about him that I really appreciate. And he puts up with me and my stuff. And he tries his best. If I wish it was better, or more, that’s my problem. And sometimes he gets up early to help with the kids. Which feels like a luxury and helps us really be on time more often. That’s valid support.
Not every marriage has to be romantic or loving that way.
Love admitting “I’m an enabler”. Oooh. That’s powerful.
From “what if” to “what is”!
From “if only” to “is only”…
From fantasy to reality. To acceptance around the real, not around the illusion. Whatever acceptance of that means to me… my mom used to say, “learn to take life on life’s terms” instead of trying to change, manage or manipulate the terms.
We can learn to deal with life as it presents itself.
“Accepting he doesn’t want to do that” [fix your marriage].
Haven’t asked for date night in over a year. He hasn’t even noticed. I literally crossed it off the New Years list on our bedroom door after a year of it not coming to fruition. Because I’d accepted that wasn’t the type of marriage we have. I don’t inspire that sort of romance in him.
Other women do. Oh well. His loss. I can take myself out with friends or have fun doing things that make the kids so happy. He hates happiness. That’s his loss.
When staying causes you health issues because the distress is so bad, it affects my ability to keep a job, putting my job at risk that’s time to get away, but then I’m struggling too much with my health to support myself alone with no where to go. So what to do then?? Adding positive things like attending Bible study and getting fellowship can help but doesn’t help me enough to make me stop getting sick easily because heavy stress weakens the immune system. Idk what to do because I’m stuck right now. 6:11
40:59 so much of what I read in two of your books back in 2010 comes to mind here. Over the years I’ve worked through much of it and it’s very apparent here at 40:59. I’ve come a long way trying to undo my own bad inputs into the relationship but now I’m stuck at the place mentioned above. A VERY helpful video for sure! Can’t wait to get through the rest.
I don’t think one can stay well in a destructive marriage. Maybe in a disappointing marriage… but it seems inherently dangerous to stay in a destructive one. Because of the word “destructive”.
But I understand sometimes people have to stay for a while until they can do the work to pull the marriage up and out of disappointing time season or until you can pull yourself out of the entanglement altogether and begin distancing yourself in healthy ways while you strengthen your resources to lean on outside the marriage.
Learn so much from the other women! Thank you all!
But if we stay we stay in a loveless marriage in my opinion. Either choice is very difficult. And I really struggle with the theological aspects of a "right" to divorce. My conscience has been bound into a limited allowance of divorce. I have put in the effort, but my effort is my effort and the other parties effort is his to make or not make. I have no control over that. But if I am so afraid of what God will do if I choose to leave...that is a problem and fear based. I agree. But this is where I find myself. Sometimes I long to be free so much, but I stay out of duty.
Totally understand this feeling 😢
I'm always looking for someone to tell me what to do. Please chime in if you connect with this.
I will consider what you say Leslie. But I have to say I am extremely skeptical. I am torn between to mindsets. Either choice is difficult. But whatever life I am living...it's not really a life. I will give you that.
I can determine each day if I am still staying well. Each new day may bring new conclusions.
It could look like I take parenting classes on my own to become a better parent and learn new strategies for best supporting our kids.
Bear one another’s burdens… each one should bear his own load … Gal. 6:2-5
We are more than our roles. We are 3 dimensional humans with souls.
I love me enough to make a difference.
Even if he doesn’t.
And us.
I can be better for all of us and then check in when I’ve made new tracktion or if I can’t gain progress.
“I know that’s how you feel but I don’t agree that a God’s telling me to solve all your problems or that you’re more important than I am.” - Susan
Whaaaaaaooooowww!
Ok. This is for real. Serious.
Yeahs.
“He’s getting a payoff…” - Leslie
Hmmnnhh… taking this all in like I just saw a magician do an astounding trick on stage.