Living for 63 years so far I don't expect anyone to always be available for plans with me and that communicating more than once, if necessary, with that person. The best thing I've learned is that life happens and I adapt to it. One never knows how the persons day went or how they're going to feel about how their day went. In the situation you told about I would have immediately said ok and how can I help since you had a crazy day. ❤
Been on both sides of the street of that dynamic. Wish I had this video 15 years ago. Had to learn most of this the hard way. Thanks for making this, helpful as always!
I think this video missed the mark. It sounds like the woman in the story was looking to spend quality time with her friend, meaning giving undivided attention without worrying about other responsibilities. The man offered his divided attention while running errands. This might've felt like an insult to her because he was trying to multitask during what she thought should be quality time. If I was in the woman's position I would have said something like, "That doesn't work for me, I'd like to spend X hours together without distractions. Let me know when you're available for that." If I was in the man's position I would try something like, "I'm sorry, I just got back after a month away and I have a lot of errands to take care of. It might be a while before we can have a few good hours like that together. I didn't want to keep you waiting, so I thought I'd offer what availability I have. I can see that's not going to work for you, so how about X day in the future? I'll be fully available then." If somebody is unable to communicate what they need and unwilling to find a compromise that works for both of you, you should probably reconsider that relationship. Likewise, if somebody isn't ever able or willing to make time for you, you should probably reconsider that relationship.
To be honest I think maybe that friend thought she was higher on his list of priorities? After all we make quality time happen for people we care about...For me a situation like this would be probably an indication that someone doesn't care about spending time with me as much as I assumed, not necessarily in an offensive way...but I can see how you could think :"OK, then I prefer to spend my spare time with some other friend who had more time for me". Wouldn't that be setting boundaries?
Well, personally, as someone from the midwest, the thought of going to "erehwon" for a casaul "grab and go" would be very off putting. I'm not willing to pay $20 for a smoothie. That aside, I think both sides need to come together and talk. I was just thinking that she would want to spend actual time with him, not him and his errands and busy schedule. Maybe they can come up with some sort of compromise in the progress...like maybe today they can do errands, but next time, get together for lunch and dessert or whatever.
I think context is important. Sounds like your recently post-travel friend had an obvious reason for requesting a less time-consuming hang, but I had a friend who consistently made me feel like I was just an item on her to-do list: visiting me after a surgery, she shows up with sheets she plans to return at Bloomingdales; coming to my housewarming, she shows up in leggings because she’s stopping by before her workout class; she squeezed my 30th birthday in before a visit to her grandparents on LI (since I lived in Brooklyn she may as well). And don’t get me started on all the celebrations for her I participated in without any other items on my to-do list. Finally, we were going out to dinner together and she asked if we could stop by the dry cleaners and I grumbled- well if I knew we were doing chores, I would have brought my dry cleaning too (which is actually true!). It’s just who she is. I even tried to make it work by proposing we do a farmers market date on Sundays and shop together but I work on Sundays and when I was free conflicted with her favorite work out class. After a while, that pattern starts to feel like you genuinely don’t matter to that person. One of those things would be completely reasonable but after feeling consistently sidelined to chores, at a certain point, you start to take it personally.
That is really awesome hearing your breakdown of this. This isn't a constant habit of mine, but I have sometimes been "that friend" who squeezed in an errand or something else during an outing or visit to a friend. It wasn't from a place of not caring about my friend or sidelining them, but when life gets so busy sometimes it just makes sense (at least to me) to try to knock off multiple items on the "to do list", but it doesn't mean the friend visit is just a "to do list" item. If I'm going meet a friend for coffee in a certain part of town and the watch shop I need to take my broken watch to is also in that neighborhood and I've been procrastinating doing that, then yes, I'm also going to bring my watch and stop in and get that errand done. But as you said context is important. I have a couple of friends who are constant flakes. They hardly ever initiate contact. So I have to, but when I do, we schedule walks or coffee dates and it's lovely. But they are so busy and forgetful, their lives are chaos, they don't think to reach out. It used to feel hurtful to me, and then I realized they are like this in most aspects of their life and stopped taking it personally. That is just who they are, and I could choose if I wanted to continue a friendship with them. Now I have no obligation to them, and when I want to catch up and have a walk, I text and we meet.
All of that is fair and makes sense. And context being important means that there’s a much larger picture to my feeling sidelined, which is what I was trying to convey. Sometimes these patterns are just how someone is and we can work around those limitations. Sometimes the self absorption is too much and our energy is best spent on other relationships.
@@DianaIsabel929 But I would want to know if they do this with their other friends too, or just you? If they do it with other friends, then I wouldn't take it personally, but if only when with me, I'd start wondering.
If you want somebody else's perspective, I wouldn't take it personally. I think it is one of those things that make you feel unimportant, but absolutely Ok for other people. However, as somebody who's come through a struggle to understand where I was on the priority list for a close friend, I can only say: if you've tried talking and changing the way you hang out, but you still end up feeling hurt, it may be healthier for you to cut this friendship off. And it doesn't matter who's right, who's wrong.
I definitely found a middle ground by focusing on my needs. I didn't cut the friendship off. I just let it slow down naturally and focused on other people who made me feel more valued. We all deserve to feel valued in our relationships, even if the other person doesn't mean to make us feel unimportant. But, like I said, I can't give the entirety of the relationship in a youtube comment. I'm just saying that sometimes people take things personally (that aren't personal) because of the larger context of the relationship.@@lightylight7590
I find that if I express my feelings/needs/requests, it's often met with reluctance, frustration or outright rejection. I find it easier to not express or expect.
I have a friend that I always want to see when I go back to my hometown. She is a very busy person and I so appreciate when she says… “ I would love to see you, however I am super busy. Would you like to go with me as I run my errands? “ I always say yes because it means one on one time spent in the car talking. There are times that a sit down hours long visit isn’t possible.
A question that may help the guy better understand his friend is - is this the first time you felt this way about me? Not only does it feel like an overreaction I would want to understand if this was a build-up reaction or a one time thing. That feels like useful information. If it’s a build-up then it might be a discussion of whether or not the friend can in fact meet her need and/or expectation
I think this is an excellent question to bring up. If we can effectively communicate our thoughts and feelings surrounding our expectations and what we would like to see out of a friendships to our friends, we would see much less cases of people jumping to negative assumptions about what certain actions or whatever he/she said as being indicative of how one person in the friendship feels about the other which eventually leads to the falling out of friendships.
Sayinng that someone is "overreacting" is already making assumptions, which we are told in this video not to have. We assume to know exactly which expectations are "ok" to have and If someone's reaction is not in line with that, we label it as "overreaction", because we conclude they must have some expectation that we deem as "not ok"/not appropriate to have. This guy clearly didn't have her high enough on his priority list to give up some time for her (which on the other hand he'd probably be willing to do for his favorite celebrity wanting to meet up with him) and that's his right and completely ok! The woman simply communicated that she recognizes where she stands in his priority list, which I dont think is an overreaction.
I hadn’t thought about the supposed overreaction being an assumption. Also I noticed the male friend did not communicate his reasons for not wanting to do the full brunch to his friend - or at least this isn’t said here, it’s stated as if he’s expanded his reason to Kati but didn’t actually tell her.
You are also assuming she wasn't a priority to him, which when communicated with directly he clarified was not the case. She could have stated her needs and concerns clearly, and her expectations (and her feelings that she felt low priority, without accusing him of that intent and putting blame on him) and then he could have rescheduled a proper sit down at a time that worked for both of them and been more aware in the future of what she needed in the friendship. If she communicated directly instead of expecting him to mind read, and then he continued with the same behaviours and made no effort to give her that time, then she could clearly say that his behaviours say she's low priority to him. But in this example she's making assumptions, then treating him with hostility as if her story is true, hence it's an overreaction. Her feelings are valid but her treatment of him in her actions, blaming and attacking him etc is the overreaction. She didn't communicate directly and just made up a story about what was happening and lashed out.
I love this and found it really valuable. I’ve suffered a lot of trauma in friendships in the last few years which has led me to have unhealthy reactions in my present if something feels slightly ‘off’. Definitely something I’m working on and trying to be a better communicator
I noticed that there are also situations when it seems better to trust our guts and walk away, and one of my curiosities is what is a good balance of communication and rejection.
One thing I've begun to ask myself when I'm on the receiving end of this kind of negative behavior from a so-called friend is: why is this person so quick to assume the worst about me? Is that what a good friend does - just automatically jump to the worst possible conclusion? I'm old enough now to know that I don't need to waste any more of my time on people that are that quick to think ill of me. I'm not perfect and I don't expect my friends to be - but I also don't think I should be treated like an enemy when I haven't met their expectations. If a person isn't willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, whatever else they are to you - they are most certainly NOT your friend. Based on the limited information given in this video, if I were the person receiving the vitriol - I'd move on from that relationship. Life's too short.
I remember losing a friend, because I had the URGE to spill the beans, clear everything up (explaining why I'd create distance). They thought they already knew what was up and what my intetions were (to create pressure by stating that I needed distance) and removed me from their life. It caused a spike of anxiety and extreme insomnia, which sent me to a specialist, eventually. Now I'm diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder, Depression, ADHD. I miss that friend a lot - even tho we 100% needed to create distance and stop that dynamic from developing, I wish we actually talked instead of assumed. I always have that strong urge to clear things up and be blunt. Having to walk on egg shells, having things bottled up "kills" me. And in that situation I had to release those things. ps: I now understand where they were coming from, cause I played right into patterns that they had previously experienced. But at the time I did not.
I can really relate to how difficult this must have been for your friend. Personally, I think I'm good at not making lots of assumptions (perhaps to a fault) or overreacting, but when confronted with someone who's upset with me about something I did/didn't do and I don't know why, it's really tough to diffuse the situation. Saying some combination of, "I didn't mean to upset you" or "I'm not sure what I did wrong" doesn't always help since people often seem just as upset that I don't "get it" or think I'm being disingenuous in acting like I don't understand the problem.
This!! So much!! I think sometimes it's helpful to let them have space to process their feelings so they're not still in that reactive state when we have the conversation, that way they can be more responsive to genuine communication. But it's tough when it's a pattern/you're on a time limit. I'm hoping with my own situations like this, over time we can build trust and understanding
Impact matters more than intention. When we've done/not done something that hurts someone we care about, focusing on what our intentions were, or what our actions were, takes the focus off of understanding the person who is hurting and makes the situation about ourselves. We want to avoid shame and continue to feel good about ourselves by justifying our behavior. This might be why you don't get the reaction you're looking for with phrases like "I didn't mean to upset you." Try asking a question like, "Can you help me understand why this hurt your feelings?" However the other person has a role to play too. They are responsible for clearly communicating what hurt and why. Unfortunately, some folks are unable or unwilling to be vulnerable and articulate what hurts so they expect us to figure it out without them having to say anything. This is unreasonable. It is also unreasonable if they want you to apologize when they have had unrealistic or inappropriate expectations. If they think you are being disingenuous you could try saying, "I truly don't understand but I want to because I care about your feelings." After their hurt is understood and validated by us, we can ask, "What would make things right for you?" If an apology is appropriate, don't forget the 4 R's (recognition, responsibility, remorse, and reparation). This part should be a negotiation where both parties agree on what's to be done. Hurt feelings do not always warrant an apology though, so don't apologize unless you truly believe it is appropriate and you are sincere. Sometimes, it's about them or something in their past and has nothing to do with you. It's helpful if you can learn to tolerate the discomfort of someone being mad at you. Their anger or hurt doesn't necessarily say anything about you personally. Most importantly, we cannot go through life without hurting other people's feelings from time to time - it is inevitable and it is okay. All we need to do is to learn from our mistakes and learn how to repair our relationships to make them stronger. On the flip side, if we are the one hurting we must learn to care for and attend to our own hurt feelings, whether or not a repair attempt is made by the other party (although if they are not interested in repair, some new boundaries might be appropriate). There is no guarantee when attempting repairs - sometimes people are unwilling or unable to accept our repair efforts. Sometimes people don't or won't recognize when they have had unrealistic expectations despite a calm discussion. Sometimes, repairs don't work and the relationship as you knew it ends. Sometimes, you are not compatible. In those cases it is more important to act in line with your own values, to be a person you yourself are proud of so that you have no regrets no matter the outcome.
@@renevague3 This is fantastic advice. If I’m honest, I wish this had been the focus of this video. I agree with you that this video is not as impartial as it could be. Your comment here is quite impartial and so, to me, quite helpful.
I didn't want to push my friends away but, after I lost my faith, I separated from them because of conflict of views. It's hard. I'm trying to completely restructure my life after thirty-eight years! I'm very isolated and alone.
I hear you. Churches lure people in because of the ready-made community and supposed acceptance. It might not be comforting, but one way I look at any losses from not being part of a community like that is that those people didn’t really except the real me so I am not actually losing a true friendship. Just the feeling of acceptance, so I need to work to accept myself and Identify other groups of people (volunteer hobbies) that I can be around if I want to feel similarly accepted.
When you notice a pattern in your life history, you start making assumptions, after a while. It's not healthy and we have to learn better communication instead of jumping to conclusions. Unfortunately, that's not something you learn overnight and after 50+ years, I'm still working on doing just that.
I’ve found these “patterns” are because I gravitate to dysfunctional disordered people that are mirrors of my family of origin, particularly romantic partners. My assumptions were actually my instincts telling me they were manipulative or antagonistic - I was gaslit throughout childhood to not trust my instincts and constantly being told me having a problem with being abused is me being the problem.
Thx for talking about this. My friend got mad at me and cut off our friendship. Years later she apologized and said it was her issue. But she refused to tell me what it was I did. I just figured I would do 'the thing' again so I didn't want to open up the friendship again. Communication was needed but it has to go both ways.
I wouldn't have asked my friend in the first place to meet up on the day he just arrived back from his work trip thinking he'd be tired.. I would have suggested another day to meet up.
Asserting myself enough in friendships is something that I have struggled with for a long time and have actually came into a situation as recently as last night that required a fair amount of skill in assertiveness to get through. Sometimes my biggest fear when attempting to assert myself, especially if it's with a friend is that I may hurt their feelings or that they may think I'm a jerk for not saying yes to their wishes which alot of the times leaves me beating up on myself internally for not asserting myself enough in the given situation. This feeling really sucks.
I think your friend should maybe have mentioned he was just back from a month away and was short of time when suggesting only a quick bite to eat. There are some great points in this video, but I am a little surprised that the video does not even seem consider this option.
Happy birthday! Getting to talk about any misunderstandings is only sometimes an option. Over the ten years, my past friend became very close (at least, that's what I thought). She recovered from cancer, and I told her I would always support her. Then one day she wrote to me "talk later" but never did. I know she is alive and well because she is active on social media. It would be about 15 to 20 years now that I didn't hear from her. I used to wish her happy birthday every year after that hoping she would respond so I could understand what went wrong. I miss her every single second.
I can see from both sides - the female friend wanting a longer sit-down meal catch-up and your friend trying to fit a catch up in his busy schedule. I can understand why the female friend would be a bit hurt by this. Perhaps a shorter coffee catch up would be better so they could still see each but at least sit down and have a conversation, rather than walk around while trying to fit in errands at the same time. That way it doesn't feel so rushed. Perhaps a longer catch up at some point when they both have more time.
On this topic, I find it hard to know whether or not I am overreacting to a situation - whether my feelings are reasonable or unreasonable. Also sometimes whether my actions were ok or not. I then go to other people and ask them how they would feel if they were in my shoes, because it's as if I'm drawing a total blank when I try to judge it for myself.
Absolutely hate this phase, even a doctor used this , when I used “ assume “ to explain my expectation based on my limited information! Better would have been giving information to clarify the issues!
I have lost friends, who were very close to me, and still don't know why. One was someone I saw and spoke with on a very regular basis. After not hearing from her for a while, I sent an email and she responded that she has not been a good friend to me. No further explanation was given and I have never heard from her since. This was many years ago and I didn't push it. It still bothers me today, but I have tried to reach out, from time to time and never get a response. I have to wonder if I am doing something that pushes people away and it makes it hard for me to make friends.
I can be a bit reactive in that way, but instead of lashing out I’d internalize it and make assumptions. So if I assumed someone didn’t value me as much as I valued them.. I probably wouldn’t say anything, I would automatically start criticizing myself and would likely take a step back from the relationship. A bit dramatic, I know, but when you have self esteem issues it’s like you’re brains default mode is to assume worst case scenario
I heard someone say years ago, "unvocalized expectations is resentment waiting to happen." Its so very true. If you don't name what your expecting, the other person has no way of being able to see if they even have the capacity to meet that expectation. Thanks for another great video.
When I learned that resentment comes from me giving more than I feel comfortable with and expecting others to appreciate it, or behave in a certain way - I stopped giving too much. I also own whatever I give, make sure there won't be resentment on my side if things go wrong. Otherwise it's codependency! Now, understanding the mechanism, I (usually) stay calm when others behave this way. It's the best solution to act normal and let them calm down. I need to remind myself about this regularly.
Wow. Thank you so much Kati. Been struggling with abandonment issues coming up again, so this really helps on how to navigate things and keep relationships on a healthy level. You are amazing
My expectations for anything is the worst possible outcome, that way there is never a let down. Make plans? Expect them to be cancelled. In fact I haven't been involved in any planning for a few years because I suck at it. The wife wants a birthday party? I am not involved. I sit back and grill as it is always expected, and present opening/cake, not involved, I am cooking, cleaning or sitting in a corner. Since there is no expectation for me to do anything but cook and clean, I can't be a let down.
I don’t want to hang out with anyone as sensitive and reactive as the friend in this scenario. All of that extra verbiage shows a sign of a lack of emotional intelligence. She can easily feel whatever she wants to feel but she could either express it with Love to gain understanding or actually compromise to get what she wants and that’s to see her friend. It’s giving selfish…. It’s either my way or no way. Smh. Not a loving safe space in my opinion.
I had this happen to me a few years ago. a young lady and I had known each other for a few months and she and I were hanging out walking around having a couple drinks enjoying our conversation. as the night progressed she started getting agitated and then finally she was upset. we went back to her place. I was gonna just drop her off and leave. But she decided to go off on me. I waited and when she was done I calmly said to her, "I'm gonna go now. if you want this friendship to continue. You give me a call." I said Goodbye and I calmly & respectfully left her property. I was about a mile away and she had already called me and was apologizing profusely. We laugh and joke about it now, and we cannot figure out what set her off. we are really good friends now. we've shared a lot of personal information about our past. so the moral of the story is just, discuss with facts not feelings.
I'm also one of those people who has a rough time communicating unpleasant things, because I really, really dislike conflict. I have an anxiety, and I'm "leaning" towards avoidant personality disorder. There was an incident that happened with her (and it had nothing to do with me), and she basically cut contact with me completely. Only after a month I managed to ask her again how she was doing. She responded like she always had. Like she hadn't just ignored me for a month. Then I had to gather courage again to mention to her that I was upset. She had behaved so unlike herself that my anxiety had kicked in and I thought something had physically happened to her. She did apologize and explain herself... but after that, I haven't heard from her. I know I could also try to reach out to her, but our relationship feels different now. It's been another month, and I just don't know what to do. I don't even know what to say to her. Anyway, sorry for the rant. I just... wanted to get it off my chest, I guess.
Yea I get it.. Been kind of same situation with my frnd.. Communication is a huge key to relationship plus respect and genuine care which was missing in my relationship with her!
I will admit I think there have been times I’ve been overeactive. What’s not clear to me is if this was an actual conversation between them on the phone or were they sending texts to each other??? If it’s all texts, it’s very easy to get frustrated and feel put off that someone hardly ever will talk to you in person. From his point of view he’s very busy and sending texts might be the best he can do. It’s a touchy matter.
I feel the guy friend missed an opportunity to better communicate with a good friend, as well. brunch is an opportunity for a different kind of connection that she asked for. “Walk with me while I do errands” doesn’t equal brunch. Uh, no …… I’ll catch you another time
Thank you for the information on assumptions and expectations. It makes sense. But, after listening to this, I'm left wondering - why would anyone want someone like this in their life if this keeps happening? It sounds like we're dealing with a a drama puppy at the least and a narcissist at the worst. A few episodes of this and I walk away because life is too short. Boundaries.
So glad you found it helpful.. I am honestly not sure. I know they have been friends for awhile, so maybe it's due to their history together. He said this happens all the time and in all of her relationships.. so not really sure why he chooses to continue spending time with them. xoxo
@@Katimortonif it happens on all of their relationships, it’s a “they” problem IMO, they see themselves as a constant victim and don’t realize they might have something to do with it, even if it’s just a taste for toxic people. If you’re dating someone and they tell you that more than one of their exes have just broken up without warning, that’s a big red flag, look for signs of anxious attachment style. Unfortunately these people are also very intense in a good way so it’s easy to get addicted to them in a way, like a drug that has really terrible consequences but you keep going back for the really good high. These people will make you question your morals, sanity and you’ll have some sort of ptsd for years.
@@KatimortonKatie this is so insightful, I also have a friend who I feel like constantly crossed boundaries. I’ve considered ending it, but we’ve been friends since middle school so I just keep her at arms length. Would love a video on how to navigate those historical relationships
The friendship that I immediately thought of was the one I have with my husband. Especially with what you said about expectations. “Expectations not communicated are resentments in the making.“ 🤯 i realized that I need to communicate my expectations to my husband more often. So many times I get upset because I expect him to do something that he has no idea about! It’s also something for me to mindful of if I do get upset. “Did I communicate this expectation with him?” Because it’s my responsibility to communicate my needs at the end of the day and if I didn’t, then it’s not fair to take out my frustrations on him. Thanks for this thought provoking and helpful video!
I actually just went through this, but on a much larger, more hurtful scale. I’ve been suffering from major depressive disorder for almost 10 years now, and after reaching out to my best friend of over 15 years who moved out of state for college 4 years ago, expressing my need to talk to her about how down and depressed I was over recent life events, she overreacted because she thought I only reach out to her when I need something from her. I apologized for not being more present in her life, and tried to explain all the stressors and things going on that drained me to the point of not wanting to even get out of bed. But she took that and blamed me for being a terrible friend, granted she hasn’t reached out to me recently either, and she never apologized or admitted to anything. I tried to remedy the situation, our friendship, talked to my therapist in multiple sessions about it, and reached out again. And again, she did the same thing. She’s not the same person I knew 4 years ago. We are 28 years old for some context. And she’s going to school for psychology. Which makes me even more surprised at her lack of empathy for me. What do I do? Is our friendship lost? Sorry for the novel ❤️
Great video! Makes me think about what used to be my dearest friend that I grew up with. She told me every time I cancelled a date it made her feel unworthy to the point where she felt the need to break contact, that was 2020, haven't heard from her eversince.. I've been struggling mentally and physically eversince I was young (she also has issues, that something we bonded over as kids), it cost me my 'regular' life, and I'm aware I cancel more than the average person, so I apologized to her and told her I had a panic attack earlier that day and the anxiety wouldn't go away, and she went on about wanting to break contact, so I said I respected her wishes. She really made her mind up about it so it was no use for me to explain that it truly hurts my feelings she dropped me over my health condition. It was a huge lesson for sure, and I'm still recovering my trust! 😕
Yup. I react like that but keep it to myself because I know it's an over reaction and I can intellectualize enough to tell myself that I am just telling myself a story and don't know that it's true and it might very well be that the person who cancelled plans is telling the truth and just busy but it still hurts and eventually makes me want to pull away and stop trying to reach out. Working on it.
Oh my, that is so typical between me and my best friend. We are both guilty of doing jumping to conclusions that cause issues between us. We eventually get around to working it out but I just don’t think it’s good for or relationship for us to keep doing this. Thanks for all your advice and explanations. Maybe we both need to sit down and talk about this. ❣️
Sometimes it is just best to agree to disagree, because the friendship is too precious to sacrifice. Sometimes we hit people’s “triggers” and they don’t feel safe to acknowledge it, so they pull away. Anxious attachment. They may be in denial and take time to regroup and take accountability.
You are the best! I think I’ve been on both roles. Sometimes I think that the form of comunication that I learned has been really pasive agressive. It’s takes a lot of awareness form my part to not engage with this. Thank you for your contribution on mental health❤
Totally!! I grew up in a home that was more passive aggressive than direct or communicative. It can be hard to break those patterns, but we can do it!!! xoxo
Something like this happened to me recently. I have friend though who has a history or bailing on me or saying they don’t have time for me. Which inch fine if someone is busy, but I doesn’t feel like when the friendship is one sided. But it’s nice that your friend offered a solution so that he could still see her. I can’t know what’s really going on but maybe your friend has an unintentional habit of cutting time with her short or has demonstrated in the past that they don’t really value their time together. That was the case for me. So when I exploded about my friend standing me up on my birthday it was really because I had already had numerous conversations with him about how much it hurts me when he doesn’t make time for me. However I do believe that had he known it would upset me that much he would have done it so I guess there’s bad assumptions on both sides. None of my business, but it’s true that maybe something bigger is going on with the friendship
5:29 The thing is it makes me feel disappointed and worthless because I think that if they really knew me and liked me they’d know what I like and things I would like to have/do. So when they don’t do anything according to it, it feels like all this time they never payed attention to my interests and I am not worth remembering. Also sometimes I communicate my needs/wants but people around me either ignore it or say they can’t and it’s hurtful
I have great sympathy for people who have Rejection Sensitivity and/or high emotional reactivity due to unhealed childhood wounds, neurodiversity, past betrayals, etc. (I've been in that position myself!) But I ALSO have sympathy for how hurtful and triggering of those *exact same issues* it can be to be judged and written off for a seemingly minor or even fictional offense. One of my closest friends did that to me, I believe so she could preserve her identity as a Good Friend without having to admit that her family commitments required taking a break from our friendship. Feeling triggered isn't a get-out-of-jail-free card for hurtful behavior, and being so ready to think badly of someone or walk away IS hurtful. Healthy relationships require being able to pause and self-regulate (taking multiple breaks if necessary) then talk openly about facts and feelings with the assumption that both parties have good intentions and a happy resolution is possible. This can be scary at first, but it gets easier with practice!
I do overreact out of my fear of abandonment, or did, now I usually keep that to myself, like when a friend doesn’t respond I get angsty but don’t bring it to face value, and then it makes me feel guilty when I talk to said friend. However I usually find myself keeping people at bay to not hurt myself in these situations, meaning I just lower my expectations of people around me and I tell myself that I’m not entitled to their full attention and vice versa, it’s quite helpful.
My expectations are honesty & communicating in a timely manner. Assumptions happen because the other person has a pattern of not communicating why they did not show up, is constantly not keeping their word, & by the negative thoughts they say. Ironically, they set up an expectation that other people must treat them by the Golden Rule.
That's exactly why I have no friends any more. Spent years away from home because of my f** job. When I had the chance to came back and have a most regular job, I was simply exhausted, physically and mentally. People didn't understand why I didn't want to spend much time hanging out with them. I simply wanted to rest and to enjoy my home. They said the same things and started to juge me as if I was plagued. So I told all of them to get the f** out.. People are a chore..
What I don't understand is why everyone seems to get offended so easily. You want to bring a situation to light and you approach in a kind way to find some resolve. Those people then say you're being a bully (I know it's projection because I never said anything remotely unkind) and block you. Nobody knows how to communicate anymore without automatically feeling attacked. What is this about and how do you handle it?
My experience tends to be someone makes assumptions about me but NEVER communicates those assumptions. They treat me based on what they assume but I have no idea why they treat me a certain way or what they are assuming. How can you address it when you don't even know what they are thinking about you. I tend to be introverted and don't overly express or explain myself. But people don't ask clarifying questions if they don't understand me so I don't know I even need to explain anything to them. Then I'm blindsided by them complaining about me to my boss or something like that. Extroverts need people to be easy to read for them to feel comfortable. But you can't force someone to be just like you. There has to be some compromise and communication.
I wish I could be a good friend - deep down I know I have the potential, I'd be an amazing friend if only I didn't have mental and physical health issues. I can get severe anxiety from 'simply' a text message (can't talk on the phone at all, they knock me out for days). Anxiety can make my chronic pain and fatigue even worse, and I'll end up bed-ridden for the rest of the day. When a friend is in distress, I want to be there for them, to take care of them, to sort out things for them, I really really do .... but being there means getting out of the house, taking public transportation, being around humans, social interaction, anxiety, more pain, more exhaustion. I also don't have any interesting stories to tell really - I can talk about cats all day, but most people get sick of that after a while. People will say 'get help' but how can I get help when getting help involves those things I can't handle. I'm a difficult friend who no one would want to befriend. 😿
I'm so sorry for you! I know how crippling it can be to have anxiety. These are just my thoughts, feel free to ignore them if they don't feel helpful. But I think you have to break the pattern of being fearful and one thing you could do is to challenge yourself to do some small thing you're afraid of, even though it will cost you (I have chronic fatigue too, so I know that is really tough). If that seems impossible right away - you might take a look at Daniel van Loosbroek's channel, he talks a lot about how emotions can make us fatigued and what to do about it. He also has a program for healing chronic fatigue syndrome. Maybe analyze why you're afraid - anxiety is just an emotion. The fear is bigger than what you are afraid of, so you become fearful of experiencing fear. Use TH-cam for what it's worth - you could try some tapping/EFT videos for anxiety. You are aware of your own potential, which is great, so break out of your prison - it's possible! Hugs 💖
@@goddessfreya13 Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement. I will definitely look into the things you mentioned. It is a prison isn't it? Oddly I never looked at it that way. That just alone is like a wow moment for me. Thank you once again, wish you the best! ❤
@@CuteCatsofIstanbul I'm glad! ❤ Yes, it is! I've often thought that of my illness too. Another one I have started to watch lately is Gabor Maté. Trapped emotions, trauma and chronic illness. I just watched one on anger after a friend overstepped my boundary just now and didn't apologize, but smiled instead to make me not be angry. I didn't say anything, but she could clearly see that I was angry. I held back in the moment, but I could immediately feel it in my body, so I used energy techniques to release it (Donna Eden energy medicine). Those are great too. Wish you the best as well! Btw. Nice channel you have 😻
Hey Kati - I'm not sure if this was an actual story or an example for the video, but if it's real, I hope everyone who was involved in the story was consulted beforehand. Knowing you, I'm sure they were! But I'm just thinking how I might feel if I were the friend-of-your-friend and came across this video without knowing in advance. It might feel a little confronting. Take care and thanks for all that you do. Love your videos.
Your friend should drop her like a hot potato. Its very likely that if this is how she displays her manipulative insecurities there will probably be no reasonable resolve. A few years ago I was dealing with someone like that. I would try my best to be reasonable and understanding but it was always something. I tried and I tried, and then some more. Eventually I said that we need to part ways. This isn't good for either of us. Eventually they finally agreed and we parted ways. I do not regret trying to be a caring person. What I do regret is that I put up with it for way too long. I dont want to full swing in the opposite direction and act like a callous jerk. But too much care and coddling can beat you up and eventually destroy you, while not really helping that person at all. Don't ever fool yourself. It would be better to be alone than to entrust yourself to someone who will only bring you down. That is not what friendship or love is supposed to be. Be kind, be generous, be all the good natured things you should be. But don't lose your dignity or self respect in the process. Find balance and do not let people manipulate you. If that is what they are doing then you are better off without them. Thank you.
Ohh yes, I have experienced a very similar dynamic. This was between my mother and myself. One day, my mother saw a photograph of a canoe (which I'd taken) on the desktop of my PC. She said "that's where I want to be" I said "okay, would you be interested in a day outing?" her response "no, I'm not interested unless we go camping." Later that day I went for a day outing by myself, _without_ inviting her. She then said "I could have come!" before begrudgingly saying "well, I guess I couldn't have kept up with you anyways." A similar situation happened a few weeks later with a bicycle ride (she generally has no interest in biking). Since then, I really haven't been in the mood to invite her on any more hikes or bike rides or canoe trips.
Sometimes we just want to see that someone cares enough for us to decide they want to spend these 2 hours on brunch with us, not because we had communicated our expectation, but because we're high on their priority list. Done by choice and done by request, are two very different things and carry different weight. I'm not surprised that the other friend felt offended when the guy said he could see her but only briefly, as he had many other things to do: this itself screams "I can squeeze you in, but you're not important enought to give up more time, I have more important things to do".
My favorite quote from parenting expert Aly Pain is “expectations are a down payment on resentments.” My favorite quote on assumptions is “when you assume, you make an a$$ out of u and me.” (a$$ + u + me = assume)
I here what you are say, why do I act like that? I’d like to work on it. I try to fix my stupidity after I realize I screwed up again. I get my head bitten off and told to grow up. It really hurts we I wasn’t invited to a family event. That really doesn’t hurt. I’m still guessing I had no right to fell that way.
Soo true.. My friend had told me she would call me on weekends.. As she's free then.. But she didn't for two consecutive weeks!! Den suddenly she messages in a weekday , as I don't have a job.. Giving me talks on I should apply anywhere I get! I got upset and told her you don't have time to talk on a weekend, u have time for this! She says, Apologies! ...Just that! No explanation or sorry in detail..nothing.I understood I'm not that important to her! She behaved like this quite a few times before too..this apology didnt seem genuine and even after apologizing, she repeated her mistakes..so ders no point😏..I'm so done!
I've been the reactive person! I look back and cringe, but it boiled down to my insecurity and being desperate for other people to approve of me. Glad I figured it out and am happy and making new friends and am ok if someone says no. I also say no when tired, and try to keep things in check with myself. Unfortunately, my mother, is still quite reactive and passive agressive. The apple didn't fall far from the tree..
I can't remember the movie I saw it in but I always think of "when you assume you make an ass out of you and me" anytime I assume anything it makes me think of that quote.
Thank you Kati I have experienced huge and intense pycholoical distruction after the death of my long-time best friend. Becuase I am a devout Muslim and had my family to support me at time I made balance to my life agian and accepted the lose.
I wish I had seen this before I messed up and lost my friend, I miss them so much that it hurts. 😢 Things got on top of me and I ghosted them for over a year. As more and more time passed I didn't know how to break the silence, I recently plucked up the courage and reached out via text yesterday to say sorry. I can only hope that one day in the future they can forgive me and reply although I know that I am asking for alot. I always run away when things get hard, I think I have attachment and trust issues. It's easier to hide from things than deal with things.
Ok - Expectations... I would like to say that shouldnt it be that there are FUNCTIONAL EXPECTATIONS.... and .... DYSFUNCTIONAL EXPECTATIONS..... Functional expectations: people treat me with basic respect, no shaming, no manipulation, no lying, each puts in about 50% of the work for the relationship to work ....... almost never yelling (I mean very rare and only with really good cause when emotions due to serious issue boil over).... if they lie, shame by accident they apologize.....
Because I have close relationships, not distant ones, I would have said, or would want them to say, "Hey, I just got back into town and I am super busy and jet lagged. I don't have as much time as usual, so I can either do (The restaurant) and walking doing my things, or can you give me a couple of weeks or so (or days) to get settled?" This causes a similar reaction in emotion, but in practicality the friend isn't so upset and is able to make plans, and the friendship continues. The downside is some passive aggressive tendencies in the relationship, but that was already under there anyway. So at least you still have your friend and are trying to work on your communication and connection. And if you don't already tend toward passive aggressive connections, then listen to someone else's advice. LOL Because that could be the exact opposite of what you need.
I just recently lost a friendship in this kind of way. There was a miscommunication within a group of friends, and I ended up feeling left out/left behind on an event that was being attended. I'd already been feeling like I was losing the close connections I had in this group, including the person I would have considered my best friend, so this just kind of hit my fear of abandonment buttons and I overreacted. I got left behind for getting a ride, was really upset by this, and just went home instead of arranging another way to get there. No one checked up to see if I was okay or to figure out what happened. No one apologized for the misunderstanding. The rest of the night and most of the following day no one even said anything too me. The misunderstanding/miscommunication could have easily been dealt with, but what really hurt is that after I made it clear that it had upset me I was later told I was being "awful" and obviously they didn't mean anything by what happened. The closest I got to an "I'm sorry" for the entire situation was an "I'm sorry, but..." which, if it ends in "but", is a pretty worthless apology. I took my time in formulating a response and why I was hurt, why I felt like me feelings were being invalidated and why I felt like I was being gaslit, and that it felt pretty shitty that it seemed like my friends didn't care how the miscommunication/lack of communication had affected me. It's been like 4 months now - my "best" friend never responded. Just moved on. It feels terrible. Guess I wasn't so paranoid about that whole abandonment thing, eh?
Wow, I think I am realizing I was in a situation like this with a former friend. This has just helped me a lot with gaining closure for my part of the story. 😥
I assumed that I was going to dinner with someone after she accepted my offer. Therefore, I had an expectation. I didn't know she just didn't want to say "no/not interested/etc" because we never went, even after I asked her several times about it.
I've found it helpful to 1) pause, 2) self-soothe, and 3) actively call to mind the GOOD things I know and trust about the other person instead of sending a flame response like that. You can put your phone in a time-lock K-safe if you have to! When feeling cooler (not necessarily the same day), saying something like the following is a much more likely to get an outcome that feels good to both parties: "I know you're a good person and this may just be a miscommunication so I want to check the facts. When you said X in response to my suggestion of brunch I interpreted it as you not valuing time with me (or me) because to me there's no substitute for talking face to face. I took your response as a disrespectful blow-off, and that really hurt me, but I'm trying to be open to another interpretation. Can we talk about this?"
I like what you said, but have a slightly different evaluation of the brunch request situation. I would make the assumption that the person I was inviting to brunch understood that I specifically asked her to brunch because I wanted to spend time catching up. I would assume that they have noticed that that is my preference with them. I would be a little offended that they were essentially inviting me instead to hang out with them while they did an errand. I would take this signal of suggesting something more casual to assume that I’m not worth the time to sit down and chat with because they are literally not offering the time to sit down and chat (he could have suggested a later date for brunch as well). I think it’s a fair assumption that the woman inviting your friend to brunch cares more about sitting down and spending time together than the other person. Maybe if your friend had apologized upfront, and said that they didn’t have time to sit down (and wish they did), but that they could offer this alternative that would’ve softened the perceived rejection - or said he doesn’t like brunch, whatever. I personally would not want to catch up with someone at a food court area or whatever the scenario was where you have to walk around and make a lot of choices or shop and not bump into to people and then also try to connect with the person you’re there to meet. Maybe your friend failed to validate what the other person was offering in terms of their time?
Alright, how about if my friend plans to go to the beach and bring along his friend , he came without any food or money , nor did his friend, then when I join them my friend asks me to treat him for lunch, which means that I'll to him and his friend which is the first I see him? My friend got upset because I said no, explained my reason for saying, and after all the discussion all he did was sending a sad emoji. What do I do?
It was an over reaction. I feel bad bc this person probably has major abandonment wounds. I got like this with one friend who never spends any time with me and i always have to initiate texts, hangouts. Which they hardly ever maken it to.
What do you all think? Would love to hear your perspective on this.
Living for 63 years so far I don't expect anyone to always be available for plans with me and that communicating more than once, if necessary, with that person. The best thing I've learned is that life happens and I adapt to it. One never knows how the persons day went or how they're going to feel about how their day went. In the situation you told about I would have immediately said ok and how can I help since you had a crazy day. ❤
Been on both sides of the street of that dynamic. Wish I had this video 15 years ago. Had to learn most of this the hard way. Thanks for making this, helpful as always!
I think this video missed the mark. It sounds like the woman in the story was looking to spend quality time with her friend, meaning giving undivided attention without worrying about other responsibilities. The man offered his divided attention while running errands. This might've felt like an insult to her because he was trying to multitask during what she thought should be quality time.
If I was in the woman's position I would have said something like, "That doesn't work for me, I'd like to spend X hours together without distractions. Let me know when you're available for that." If I was in the man's position I would try something like, "I'm sorry, I just got back after a month away and I have a lot of errands to take care of. It might be a while before we can have a few good hours like that together. I didn't want to keep you waiting, so I thought I'd offer what availability I have. I can see that's not going to work for you, so how about X day in the future? I'll be fully available then." If somebody is unable to communicate what they need and unwilling to find a compromise that works for both of you, you should probably reconsider that relationship. Likewise, if somebody isn't ever able or willing to make time for you, you should probably reconsider that relationship.
To be honest I think maybe that friend thought she was higher on his list of priorities? After all we make quality time happen for people we care about...For me a situation like this would be probably an indication that someone doesn't care about spending time with me as much as I assumed, not necessarily in an offensive way...but I can see how you could think :"OK, then I prefer to spend my spare time with some other friend who had more time for me". Wouldn't that be setting boundaries?
Well, personally, as someone from the midwest, the thought of going to "erehwon" for a casaul "grab and go" would be very off putting. I'm not willing to pay $20 for a smoothie.
That aside, I think both sides need to come together and talk. I was just thinking that she would want to spend actual time with him, not him and his errands and busy schedule. Maybe they can come up with some sort of compromise in the progress...like maybe today they can do errands, but next time, get together for lunch and dessert or whatever.
The biggest mistakes I made was assuming that my friends were actually my friends.
I think context is important. Sounds like your recently post-travel friend had an obvious reason for requesting a less time-consuming hang, but I had a friend who consistently made me feel like I was just an item on her to-do list: visiting me after a surgery, she shows up with sheets she plans to return at Bloomingdales; coming to my housewarming, she shows up in leggings because she’s stopping by before her workout class; she squeezed my 30th birthday in before a visit to her grandparents on LI (since I lived in Brooklyn she may as well). And don’t get me started on all the celebrations for her I participated in without any other items on my to-do list. Finally, we were going out to dinner together and she asked if we could stop by the dry cleaners and I grumbled- well if I knew we were doing chores, I would have brought my dry cleaning too (which is actually true!). It’s just who she is. I even tried to make it work by proposing we do a farmers market date on Sundays and shop together but I work on Sundays and when I was free conflicted with her favorite work out class. After a while, that pattern starts to feel like you genuinely don’t matter to that person. One of those things would be completely reasonable but after feeling consistently sidelined to chores, at a certain point, you start to take it personally.
That is really awesome hearing your breakdown of this. This isn't a constant habit of mine, but I have sometimes been "that friend" who squeezed in an errand or something else during an outing or visit to a friend. It wasn't from a place of not caring about my friend or sidelining them, but when life gets so busy sometimes it just makes sense (at least to me) to try to knock off multiple items on the "to do list", but it doesn't mean the friend visit is just a "to do list" item. If I'm going meet a friend for coffee in a certain part of town and the watch shop I need to take my broken watch to is also in that neighborhood and I've been procrastinating doing that, then yes, I'm also going to bring my watch and stop in and get that errand done.
But as you said context is important. I have a couple of friends who are constant flakes. They hardly ever initiate contact. So I have to, but when I do, we schedule walks or coffee dates and it's lovely. But they are so busy and forgetful, their lives are chaos, they don't think to reach out. It used to feel hurtful to me, and then I realized they are like this in most aspects of their life and stopped taking it personally. That is just who they are, and I could choose if I wanted to continue a friendship with them. Now I have no obligation to them, and when I want to catch up and have a walk, I text and we meet.
All of that is fair and makes sense. And context being important means that there’s a much larger picture to my feeling sidelined, which is what I was trying to convey. Sometimes these patterns are just how someone is and we can work around those limitations. Sometimes the self absorption is too much and our energy is best spent on other relationships.
@@DianaIsabel929 But I would want to know if they do this with their other friends too, or just you? If they do it with other friends, then I wouldn't take it personally, but if only when with me, I'd start wondering.
If you want somebody else's perspective, I wouldn't take it personally. I think it is one of those things that make you feel unimportant, but absolutely Ok for other people. However, as somebody who's come through a struggle to understand where I was on the priority list for a close friend, I can only say: if you've tried talking and changing the way you hang out, but you still end up feeling hurt, it may be healthier for you to cut this friendship off. And it doesn't matter who's right, who's wrong.
I definitely found a middle ground by focusing on my needs. I didn't cut the friendship off. I just let it slow down naturally and focused on other people who made me feel more valued. We all deserve to feel valued in our relationships, even if the other person doesn't mean to make us feel unimportant. But, like I said, I can't give the entirety of the relationship in a youtube comment. I'm just saying that sometimes people take things personally (that aren't personal) because of the larger context of the relationship.@@lightylight7590
Kati, you are that one friend everyone wishes they have.
Agreed
Awww :) xoxo
So true!!
That's so true 🥺
💜
As I get older (52), I don't want a lot friends like I did in my younger years.....just a few couple of good friends.....less people, more peace!!!
I find that if I express my feelings/needs/requests, it's often met with reluctance, frustration or outright rejection. I find it easier to not express or expect.
I have a friend that I always want to see when I go back to my hometown. She is a very busy person and I so appreciate when she says… “ I would love to see you, however I am super busy. Would you like to go with me as I run my errands? “ I always say yes because it means one on one time spent in the car talking. There are times that a sit down hours long visit isn’t possible.
A question that may help the guy better understand his friend is - is this the first time you felt this way about me? Not only does it feel like an overreaction I would want to understand if this was a build-up reaction or a one time thing. That feels like useful information. If it’s a build-up then it might be a discussion of whether or not the friend can in fact meet her need and/or expectation
I think this is an excellent question to bring up. If we can effectively communicate our thoughts and feelings surrounding our expectations and what we would like to see out of a friendships to our friends, we would see much less cases of people jumping to negative assumptions about what certain actions or whatever he/she said as being indicative of how one person in the friendship feels about the other which eventually leads to the falling out of friendships.
Yes!! I love that :) That could definitely help him see if this is a pattern or a one off thing :) oxo
It’s a great question but most times I remember the feeling but not the situation. I’m very bad at bringing memories and examples in the moment 😞
@@DianaWanMathat's normal don't worry.
@@DianaWanMa so then deal with the emotions. Lot of advice on TH-cam how to do that.
Sayinng that someone is "overreacting" is already making assumptions, which we are told in this video not to have. We assume to know exactly which expectations are "ok" to have and If someone's reaction is not in line with that, we label it as "overreaction", because we conclude they must have some expectation that we deem as "not ok"/not appropriate to have.
This guy clearly didn't have her high enough on his priority list to give up some time for her (which on the other hand he'd probably be willing to do for his favorite celebrity wanting to meet up with him) and that's his right and completely ok! The woman simply communicated that she recognizes where she stands in his priority list, which I dont think is an overreaction.
I hadn’t thought about the supposed overreaction being an assumption. Also I noticed the male friend did not communicate his reasons for not wanting to do the full brunch to his friend - or at least this isn’t said here, it’s stated as if he’s expanded his reason to Kati but didn’t actually tell her.
This! 💯
You are also assuming she wasn't a priority to him, which when communicated with directly he clarified was not the case. She could have stated her needs and concerns clearly, and her expectations (and her feelings that she felt low priority, without accusing him of that intent and putting blame on him) and then he could have rescheduled a proper sit down at a time that worked for both of them and been more aware in the future of what she needed in the friendship.
If she communicated directly instead of expecting him to mind read, and then he continued with the same behaviours and made no effort to give her that time, then she could clearly say that his behaviours say she's low priority to him. But in this example she's making assumptions, then treating him with hostility as if her story is true, hence it's an overreaction. Her feelings are valid but her treatment of him in her actions, blaming and attacking him etc is the overreaction. She didn't communicate directly and just made up a story about what was happening and lashed out.
“he’d probably be willing to do for his favorite celebrity” - that is an assumption. You objectively did the exact thing you are criticizing.
I love this and found it really valuable. I’ve suffered a lot of trauma in friendships in the last few years which has led me to have unhealthy reactions in my present if something feels slightly ‘off’. Definitely something I’m working on and trying to be a better communicator
Good for you! You are making a good effort.
@@lianatrombley6400 you don’t know how good their effort is. Please if you have children don’t hand out unwarranted praise, it’s damaging.
I noticed that there are also situations when it seems better to trust our guts and walk away, and one of my curiosities is what is a good balance of communication and rejection.
Yes, where is that line? Great question that I ask myself a lot.
One thing I've begun to ask myself when I'm on the receiving end of this kind of negative behavior from a so-called friend is: why is this person so quick to assume the worst about me? Is that what a good friend does - just automatically jump to the worst possible conclusion? I'm old enough now to know that I don't need to waste any more of my time on people that are that quick to think ill of me. I'm not perfect and I don't expect my friends to be - but I also don't think I should be treated like an enemy when I haven't met their expectations. If a person isn't willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, whatever else they are to you - they are most certainly NOT your friend. Based on the limited information given in this video, if I were the person receiving the vitriol - I'd move on from that relationship. Life's too short.
I remember losing a friend, because I had the URGE to spill the beans, clear everything up (explaining why I'd create distance).
They thought they already knew what was up and what my intetions were (to create pressure by stating that I needed distance) and removed me from their life.
It caused a spike of anxiety and extreme insomnia, which sent me to a specialist, eventually.
Now I'm diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder, Depression, ADHD.
I miss that friend a lot - even tho we 100% needed to create distance and stop that dynamic from developing, I wish we actually talked instead of assumed.
I always have that strong urge to clear things up and be blunt. Having to walk on egg shells, having things bottled up "kills" me. And in that situation I had to release those things.
ps: I now understand where they were coming from, cause I played right into patterns that they had previously experienced. But at the time I did not.
I can really relate to how difficult this must have been for your friend. Personally, I think I'm good at not making lots of assumptions (perhaps to a fault) or overreacting, but when confronted with someone who's upset with me about something I did/didn't do and I don't know why, it's really tough to diffuse the situation. Saying some combination of, "I didn't mean to upset you" or "I'm not sure what I did wrong" doesn't always help since people often seem just as upset that I don't "get it" or think I'm being disingenuous in acting like I don't understand the problem.
This!! So much!! I think sometimes it's helpful to let them have space to process their feelings so they're not still in that reactive state when we have the conversation, that way they can be more responsive to genuine communication. But it's tough when it's a pattern/you're on a time limit. I'm hoping with my own situations like this, over time we can build trust and understanding
Impact matters more than intention. When we've done/not done something that hurts someone we care about, focusing on what our intentions were, or what our actions were, takes the focus off of understanding the person who is hurting and makes the situation about ourselves. We want to avoid shame and continue to feel good about ourselves by justifying our behavior. This might be why you don't get the reaction you're looking for with phrases like "I didn't mean to upset you." Try asking a question like, "Can you help me understand why this hurt your feelings?"
However the other person has a role to play too. They are responsible for clearly communicating what hurt and why. Unfortunately, some folks are unable or unwilling to be vulnerable and articulate what hurts so they expect us to figure it out without them having to say anything. This is unreasonable. It is also unreasonable if they want you to apologize when they have had unrealistic or inappropriate expectations. If they think you are being disingenuous you could try saying, "I truly don't understand but I want to because I care about your feelings."
After their hurt is understood and validated by us, we can ask, "What would make things right for you?" If an apology is appropriate, don't forget the 4 R's (recognition, responsibility, remorse, and reparation). This part should be a negotiation where both parties agree on what's to be done.
Hurt feelings do not always warrant an apology though, so don't apologize unless you truly believe it is appropriate and you are sincere. Sometimes, it's about them or something in their past and has nothing to do with you. It's helpful if you can learn to tolerate the discomfort of someone being mad at you. Their anger or hurt doesn't necessarily say anything about you personally. Most importantly, we cannot go through life without hurting other people's feelings from time to time - it is inevitable and it is okay. All we need to do is to learn from our mistakes and learn how to repair our relationships to make them stronger. On the flip side, if we are the one hurting we must learn to care for and attend to our own hurt feelings, whether or not a repair attempt is made by the other party (although if they are not interested in repair, some new boundaries might be appropriate).
There is no guarantee when attempting repairs - sometimes people are unwilling or unable to accept our repair efforts. Sometimes people don't or won't recognize when they have had unrealistic expectations despite a calm discussion. Sometimes, repairs don't work and the relationship as you knew it ends. Sometimes, you are not compatible. In those cases it is more important to act in line with your own values, to be a person you yourself are proud of so that you have no regrets no matter the outcome.
@@renevague3 This is fantastic advice. If I’m honest, I wish this had been the focus of this video. I agree with you that this video is not as impartial as it could be. Your comment here is quite impartial and so, to me, quite helpful.
Very True. We have a strong sentence here: don't make your expectation my obligation. Really strong and helpful sometimes.❤❤
Love that!! Thanks for sharing :) xoxo
@@Katimorton 🥰
I didn't want to push my friends away but, after I lost my faith, I separated from them because of conflict of views. It's hard. I'm trying to completely restructure my life after thirty-eight years! I'm very isolated and alone.
I hear you. Churches lure people in because of the ready-made community and supposed acceptance. It might not be comforting, but one way I look at any losses from not being part of a community like that is that those people didn’t really except the real me so I am not actually losing a true friendship. Just the feeling of acceptance, so I need to work to accept myself and Identify other groups of people (volunteer hobbies) that I can be around if I want to feel similarly accepted.
When you notice a pattern in your life history, you start making assumptions, after a while. It's not healthy and we have to learn better communication instead of jumping to conclusions. Unfortunately, that's not something you learn overnight and after 50+ years, I'm still working on doing just that.
I’ve found these “patterns” are because I gravitate to dysfunctional disordered people that are mirrors of my family of origin, particularly romantic partners. My assumptions were actually my instincts telling me they were manipulative or antagonistic - I was gaslit throughout childhood to not trust my instincts and constantly being told me having a problem with being abused is me being the problem.
Thx for talking about this. My friend got mad at me and cut off our friendship. Years later she apologized and said it was her issue. But she refused to tell me what it was I did. I just figured I would do 'the thing' again so I didn't want to open up the friendship again. Communication was needed but it has to go both ways.
I wouldn't have asked my friend in the first place to meet up on the day he just arrived back from his work trip thinking he'd be tired.. I would have suggested another day to meet up.
Asserting myself enough in friendships is something that I have struggled with for a long time and have actually came into a situation as recently as last night that required a fair amount of skill in assertiveness to get through. Sometimes my biggest fear when attempting to assert myself, especially if it's with a friend is that I may hurt their feelings or that they may think I'm a jerk for not saying yes to their wishes which alot of the times leaves me beating up on myself internally for not asserting myself enough in the given situation. This feeling really sucks.
I think your friend should maybe have mentioned he was just back from a month away and was short of time when suggesting only a quick bite to eat. There are some great points in this video, but I am a little surprised that the video does not even seem consider this option.
Happy birthday! Getting to talk about any misunderstandings is only sometimes an option. Over the ten years, my past friend became very close (at least, that's what I thought). She recovered from cancer, and I told her I would always support her. Then one day she wrote to me "talk later" but never did. I know she is alive and well because she is active on social media. It would be about 15 to 20 years now that I didn't hear from her. I used to wish her happy birthday every year after that hoping she would respond so I could understand what went wrong. I miss her every single second.
I can see from both sides - the female friend wanting a longer sit-down meal catch-up and your friend trying to fit a catch up in his busy schedule. I can understand why the female friend would be a bit hurt by this. Perhaps a shorter coffee catch up would be better so they could still see each but at least sit down and have a conversation, rather than walk around while trying to fit in errands at the same time. That way it doesn't feel so rushed. Perhaps a longer catch up at some point when they both have more time.
It’s not the compromise on what they do, that’s not the point of the whole thing. The point is the overreaction.
On this topic, I find it hard to know whether or not I am overreacting to a situation - whether my feelings are reasonable or unreasonable. Also sometimes whether my actions were ok or not. I then go to other people and ask them how they would feel if they were in my shoes, because it's as if I'm drawing a total blank when I try to judge it for myself.
I always love the phrase "to assume is making an ass out of u and me"
Love it!!! hahah!! xoxo
Absolutely hate this phase, even a doctor used this , when I used “ assume “ to explain my expectation based on my limited information! Better would have been giving information to clarify the issues!
I also dislike this phrase. It made me feel like my mom was calling me an ass for trying to help her by assuming her needs.
@@robinplastic2935 the point is the importance of clear communication.
I have lost friends, who were very close to me, and still don't know why. One was someone I saw and spoke with on a very regular basis. After not hearing from her for a while, I sent an email and she responded that she has not been a good friend to me. No further explanation was given and I have never heard from her since. This was many years ago and I didn't push it. It still bothers me today, but I have tried to reach out, from time to time and never get a response. I have to wonder if I am doing something that pushes people away and it makes it hard for me to make friends.
I can be a bit reactive in that way, but instead of lashing out I’d internalize it and make assumptions. So if I assumed someone didn’t value me as much as I valued them.. I probably wouldn’t say anything, I would automatically start criticizing myself and would likely take a step back from the relationship. A bit dramatic, I know, but when you have self esteem issues it’s like you’re brains default mode is to assume worst case scenario
I don't think that's dramatic at all.
Wow, this is so good! I tend to overreact and would much rather be asked about ir than ghosted or ignored.
I tell that Expectation without communication quote to people ALL the time all because of you!
Yay!! xoxo
I heard someone say years ago, "unvocalized expectations is resentment waiting to happen."
Its so very true. If you don't name what your expecting, the other person has no way of being able to see if they even have the capacity to meet that expectation.
Thanks for another great video.
When I learned that resentment comes from me giving more than I feel comfortable with and expecting others to appreciate it, or behave in a certain way - I stopped giving too much. I also own whatever I give, make sure there won't be resentment on my side if things go wrong. Otherwise it's codependency! Now, understanding the mechanism, I (usually) stay calm when others behave this way. It's the best solution to act normal and let them calm down. I need to remind myself about this regularly.
Same, I had to reach this point too
Wow. Thank you so much Kati. Been struggling with abandonment issues coming up again, so this really helps on how to navigate things and keep relationships on a healthy level. You are amazing
My expectations for anything is the worst possible outcome, that way there is never a let down. Make plans? Expect them to be cancelled. In fact I haven't been involved in any planning for a few years because I suck at it. The wife wants a birthday party? I am not involved. I sit back and grill as it is always expected, and present opening/cake, not involved, I am cooking, cleaning or sitting in a corner. Since there is no expectation for me to do anything but cook and clean, I can't be a let down.
I don’t want to hang out with anyone as sensitive and reactive as the friend in this scenario. All of that extra verbiage shows a sign of a lack of emotional intelligence. She can easily feel whatever she wants to feel but she could either express it with Love to gain understanding or actually compromise to get what she wants and that’s to see her friend. It’s giving selfish…. It’s either my way or no way. Smh. Not a loving safe space in my opinion.
I had this happen to me a few years ago. a young lady and I had known each other for a few months and she and I were hanging out walking around having a couple drinks enjoying our conversation. as the night progressed she started getting agitated and then finally she was upset. we went back to her place. I was gonna just drop her off and leave. But she decided to go off on me. I waited and when she was done I calmly said to her, "I'm gonna go now. if you want this friendship to continue. You give me a call." I said Goodbye and I calmly & respectfully left her property. I was about a mile away and she had already called me and was apologizing profusely. We laugh and joke about it now, and we cannot figure out what set her off. we are really good friends now. we've shared a lot of personal information about our past. so the moral of the story is just, discuss with facts not feelings.
I'm also one of those people who has a rough time communicating unpleasant things, because I really, really dislike conflict. I have an anxiety, and I'm "leaning" towards avoidant personality disorder.
There was an incident that happened with her (and it had nothing to do with me), and she basically cut contact with me completely. Only after a month I managed to ask her again how she was doing. She responded like she always had. Like she hadn't just ignored me for a month. Then I had to gather courage again to mention to her that I was upset. She had behaved so unlike herself that my anxiety had kicked in and I thought something had physically happened to her. She did apologize and explain herself... but after that, I haven't heard from her. I know I could also try to reach out to her, but our relationship feels different now. It's been another month, and I just don't know what to do. I don't even know what to say to her.
Anyway, sorry for the rant. I just... wanted to get it off my chest, I guess.
Yea I get it.. Been kind of same situation with my frnd.. Communication is a huge key to relationship plus respect and genuine care which was missing in my relationship with her!
I will admit I think there have been times I’ve been overeactive. What’s not clear to me is if this was an actual conversation between them on the phone or were they sending texts to each other??? If it’s all texts, it’s very easy to get frustrated and feel put off that someone hardly ever will talk to you in person. From his point of view he’s very busy and sending texts might be the best he can do. It’s a touchy matter.
I've been on both ends of this.
Just listen when someone tells you that you are projecting.
I am about a minute in and i can tell you that passive aggressive, rejection game playing crap i would never speak to that person again
I feel the guy friend missed an opportunity to better communicate with a good friend, as well. brunch is an opportunity for a different kind of connection that she asked for. “Walk with me while I do errands” doesn’t equal brunch. Uh, no …… I’ll catch you another time
Thank you for the information on assumptions and expectations. It makes sense. But, after listening to this, I'm left wondering - why would anyone want someone like this in their life if this keeps happening? It sounds like we're dealing with a a drama puppy at the least and a narcissist at the worst. A few episodes of this and I walk away because life is too short. Boundaries.
So glad you found it helpful.. I am honestly not sure. I know they have been friends for awhile, so maybe it's due to their history together. He said this happens all the time and in all of her relationships.. so not really sure why he chooses to continue spending time with them. xoxo
@@Katimortonif it happens on all of their relationships, it’s a “they” problem IMO, they see themselves as a constant victim and don’t realize they might have something to do with it, even if it’s just a taste for toxic people. If you’re dating someone and they tell you that more than one of their exes have just broken up without warning, that’s a big red flag, look for signs of anxious attachment style.
Unfortunately these people are also very intense in a good way so it’s easy to get addicted to them in a way, like a drug that has really terrible consequences but you keep going back for the really good high. These people will make you question your morals, sanity and you’ll have some sort of ptsd for years.
@@KatimortonKatie this is so insightful, I also have a friend who I feel like constantly crossed boundaries. I’ve considered ending it, but we’ve been friends since middle school so I just keep her at arms length. Would love a video on how to navigate those historical relationships
@@Katimortonhmm sounds like your taking your friends side. Sounds like he is super offended and now throwing her under the bus.
The friendship that I immediately thought of was the one I have with my husband. Especially with what you said about expectations. “Expectations not communicated are resentments in the making.“ 🤯 i realized that I need to communicate my expectations to my husband more often. So many times I get upset because I expect him to do something that he has no idea about! It’s also something for me to mindful of if I do get upset. “Did I communicate this expectation with him?” Because it’s my responsibility to communicate my needs at the end of the day and if I didn’t, then it’s not fair to take out my frustrations on him. Thanks for this thought provoking and helpful video!
I actually just went through this, but on a much larger, more hurtful scale. I’ve been suffering from major depressive disorder for almost 10 years now, and after reaching out to my best friend of over 15 years who moved out of state for college 4 years ago, expressing my need to talk to her about how down and depressed I was over recent life events, she overreacted because she thought I only reach out to her when I need something from her. I apologized for not being more present in her life, and tried to explain all the stressors and things going on that drained me to the point of not wanting to even get out of bed. But she took that and blamed me for being a terrible friend, granted she hasn’t reached out to me recently either, and she never apologized or admitted to anything. I tried to remedy the situation, our friendship, talked to my therapist in multiple sessions about it, and reached out again. And again, she did the same thing. She’s not the same person I knew 4 years ago. We are 28 years old for some context. And she’s going to school for psychology. Which makes me even more surprised at her lack of empathy for me. What do I do? Is our friendship lost? Sorry for the novel ❤️
Great video! Makes me think about what used to be my dearest friend that I grew up with. She told me every time I cancelled a date it made her feel unworthy to the point where she felt the need to break contact, that was 2020, haven't heard from her eversince.. I've been struggling mentally and physically eversince I was young (she also has issues, that something we bonded over as kids), it cost me my 'regular' life, and I'm aware I cancel more than the average person, so I apologized to her and told her I had a panic attack earlier that day and the anxiety wouldn't go away, and she went on about wanting to break contact, so I said I respected her wishes. She really made her mind up about it so it was no use for me to explain that it truly hurts my feelings she dropped me over my health condition. It was a huge lesson for sure, and I'm still recovering my trust! 😕
Yup. I react like that but keep it to myself because I know it's an over reaction and I can intellectualize enough to tell myself that I am just telling myself a story and don't know that it's true and it might very well be that the person who cancelled plans is telling the truth and just busy but it still hurts and eventually makes me want to pull away and stop trying to reach out. Working on it.
Oh my, that is so typical between me and my best friend. We are both guilty of doing jumping to conclusions that cause issues between us. We eventually get around to working it out but I just don’t think it’s good for or relationship for us to keep doing this. Thanks for all your advice and explanations. Maybe we both need to sit down and talk about this. ❣️
So glad this was helpful and I hope some of the tips can help you and your friend figure out a better way to communicate :) xoxo
Sometimes it is just best to agree to disagree, because the friendship is too precious to sacrifice. Sometimes we hit people’s “triggers” and they don’t feel safe to acknowledge it, so they pull away. Anxious attachment. They may be in denial and take time to regroup and take accountability.
You are the best! I think I’ve been on both roles. Sometimes I think that the form of comunication that I learned has been really pasive agressive. It’s takes a lot of awareness form my part to not engage with this. Thank you for your contribution on mental health❤
Totally!! I grew up in a home that was more passive aggressive than direct or communicative. It can be hard to break those patterns, but we can do it!!! xoxo
Something like this happened to me recently. I have friend though who has a history or bailing on me or saying they don’t have time for me. Which inch fine if someone is busy, but I doesn’t feel like when the friendship is one sided. But it’s nice that your friend offered a solution so that he could still see her. I can’t know what’s really going on but maybe your friend has an unintentional habit of cutting time with her short or has demonstrated in the past that they don’t really value their time together. That was the case for me. So when I exploded about my friend standing me up on my birthday it was really because I had already had numerous conversations with him about how much it hurts me when he doesn’t make time for me. However I do believe that had he known it would upset me that much he would have done it so I guess there’s bad assumptions on both sides. None of my business, but it’s true that maybe something bigger is going on with the friendship
That was a good intro dose of the complex topic of friends where the idea of different needs don’t get talked about
5:29 The thing is it makes me feel disappointed and worthless because I think that if they really knew me and liked me they’d know what I like and things I would like to have/do. So when they don’t do anything according to it, it feels like all this time they never payed attention to my interests and I am not worth remembering.
Also sometimes I communicate my needs/wants but people around me either ignore it or say they can’t and it’s hurtful
🎵"She's in love with the boy" is playing in my mind. 🎵
I have great sympathy for people who have Rejection Sensitivity and/or high emotional reactivity due to unhealed childhood wounds, neurodiversity, past betrayals, etc. (I've been in that position myself!) But I ALSO have sympathy for how hurtful and triggering of those *exact same issues* it can be to be judged and written off for a seemingly minor or even fictional offense. One of my closest friends did that to me, I believe so she could preserve her identity as a Good Friend without having to admit that her family commitments required taking a break from our friendship.
Feeling triggered isn't a get-out-of-jail-free card for hurtful behavior, and being so ready to think badly of someone or walk away IS hurtful.
Healthy relationships require being able to pause and self-regulate (taking multiple breaks if necessary) then talk openly about facts and feelings with the assumption that both parties have good intentions and a happy resolution is possible.
This can be scary at first, but it gets easier with practice!
really helpful video Kati xx
Yay!! xoxo
I needed this video so much right now. Thank you ❤
I do overreact out of my fear of abandonment, or did, now I usually keep that to myself, like when a friend doesn’t respond I get angsty but don’t bring it to face value, and then it makes me feel guilty when I talk to said friend.
However I usually find myself keeping people at bay to not hurt myself in these situations, meaning I just lower my expectations of people around me and I tell myself that I’m not entitled to their full attention and vice versa, it’s quite helpful.
My expectations are honesty & communicating in a timely manner. Assumptions happen because the other person has a pattern of not communicating why they did not show up, is constantly not keeping their word, & by the negative thoughts they say. Ironically, they set up an expectation that other people must treat them by the Golden Rule.
That's exactly why I have no friends any more. Spent years away from home because of my f** job. When I had the chance to came back and have a most regular job, I was simply exhausted, physically and mentally. People didn't understand why I didn't want to spend much time hanging out with them. I simply wanted to rest and to enjoy my home.
They said the same things and started to juge me as if I was plagued. So I told all of them to get the f** out.. People are a chore..
Really enjoyed this video and all the information!
I pushed them all away years ago. They are all gone. But, they were not real friends anyway. I chose never to replace any of them.
What I don't understand is why everyone seems to get offended so easily. You want to bring a situation to light and you approach in a kind way to find some resolve. Those people then say you're being a bully (I know it's projection because I never said anything remotely unkind) and block you.
Nobody knows how to communicate anymore without automatically feeling attacked. What is this about and how do you handle it?
So true. I have a friend who is like that. So frustrating.
My experience tends to be someone makes assumptions about me but NEVER communicates those assumptions. They treat me based on what they assume but I have no idea why they treat me a certain way or what they are assuming. How can you address it when you don't even know what they are thinking about you. I tend to be introverted and don't overly express or explain myself. But people don't ask clarifying questions if they don't understand me so I don't know I even need to explain anything to them. Then I'm blindsided by them complaining about me to my boss or something like that. Extroverts need people to be easy to read for them to feel comfortable. But you can't force someone to be just like you. There has to be some compromise and communication.
Assumptions we make don't make us immune to errors. In such cases, these might be wrong.
I wish I could be a good friend - deep down I know I have the potential, I'd be an amazing friend if only I didn't have mental and physical health issues. I can get severe anxiety from 'simply' a text message (can't talk on the phone at all, they knock me out for days). Anxiety can make my chronic pain and fatigue even worse, and I'll end up bed-ridden for the rest of the day. When a friend is in distress, I want to be there for them, to take care of them, to sort out things for them, I really really do .... but being there means getting out of the house, taking public transportation, being around humans, social interaction, anxiety, more pain, more exhaustion. I also don't have any interesting stories to tell really - I can talk about cats all day, but most people get sick of that after a while. People will say 'get help' but how can I get help when getting help involves those things I can't handle. I'm a difficult friend who no one would want to befriend. 😿
I'm so sorry for you! I know how crippling it can be to have anxiety. These are just my thoughts, feel free to ignore them if they don't feel helpful. But I think you have to break the pattern of being fearful and one thing you could do is to challenge yourself to do some small thing you're afraid of, even though it will cost you (I have chronic fatigue too, so I know that is really tough). If that seems impossible right away - you might take a look at Daniel van Loosbroek's channel, he talks a lot about how emotions can make us fatigued and what to do about it. He also has a program for healing chronic fatigue syndrome. Maybe analyze why you're afraid - anxiety is just an emotion. The fear is bigger than what you are afraid of, so you become fearful of experiencing fear. Use TH-cam for what it's worth - you could try some tapping/EFT videos for anxiety. You are aware of your own potential, which is great, so break out of your prison - it's possible! Hugs 💖
@@goddessfreya13 Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement. I will definitely look into the things you mentioned. It is a prison isn't it? Oddly I never looked at it that way. That just alone is like a wow moment for me. Thank you once again, wish you the best! ❤
@@CuteCatsofIstanbul I'm glad! ❤ Yes, it is! I've often thought that of my illness too. Another one I have started to watch lately is Gabor Maté. Trapped emotions, trauma and chronic illness. I just watched one on anger after a friend overstepped my boundary just now and didn't apologize, but smiled instead to make me not be angry. I didn't say anything, but she could clearly see that I was angry. I held back in the moment, but I could immediately feel it in my body, so I used energy techniques to release it (Donna Eden energy medicine). Those are great too. Wish you the best as well! Btw. Nice channel you have 😻
Hey Kati - I'm not sure if this was an actual story or an example for the video, but if it's real, I hope everyone who was involved in the story was consulted beforehand. Knowing you, I'm sure they were! But I'm just thinking how I might feel if I were the friend-of-your-friend and came across this video without knowing in advance. It might feel a little confronting. Take care and thanks for all that you do. Love your videos.
Your friend should drop her like a hot potato. Its very likely that if this is how she displays her manipulative insecurities there will probably be no reasonable resolve. A few years ago I was dealing with someone like that. I would try my best to be reasonable and understanding but it was always something. I tried and I tried, and then some more. Eventually I said that we need to part ways. This isn't good for either of us. Eventually they finally agreed and we parted ways. I do not regret trying to be a caring person. What I do regret is that I put up with it for way too long. I dont want to full swing in the opposite direction and act like a callous jerk. But too much care and coddling can beat you up and eventually destroy you, while not really helping that person at all. Don't ever fool yourself. It would be better to be alone than to entrust yourself to someone who will only bring you down. That is not what friendship or love is supposed to be. Be kind, be generous, be all the good natured things you should be. But don't lose your dignity or self respect in the process. Find balance and do not let people manipulate you. If that is what they are doing then you are better off without them. Thank you.
Ohh yes, I have experienced a very similar dynamic. This was between my mother and myself.
One day, my mother saw a photograph of a canoe (which I'd taken) on the desktop of my PC. She said "that's where I want to be"
I said "okay, would you be interested in a day outing?"
her response "no, I'm not interested unless we go camping."
Later that day I went for a day outing by myself, _without_ inviting her. She then said "I could have come!" before begrudgingly saying "well, I guess I couldn't have kept up with you anyways."
A similar situation happened a few weeks later with a bicycle ride (she generally has no interest in biking).
Since then, I really haven't been in the mood to invite her on any more hikes or bike rides or canoe trips.
Sometimes we just want to see that someone cares enough for us to decide they want to spend these 2 hours on brunch with us, not because we had communicated our expectation, but because we're high on their priority list. Done by choice and done by request, are two very different things and carry different weight. I'm not surprised that the other friend felt offended when the guy said he could see her but only briefly, as he had many other things to do: this itself screams "I can squeeze you in, but you're not important enought to give up more time, I have more important things to do".
My favorite quote from parenting expert Aly Pain is “expectations are a down payment on resentments.” My favorite quote on assumptions is “when you assume, you make an a$$ out of u and me.” (a$$ + u + me = assume)
I here what you are say, why do I act like that? I’d like to work on it. I try to fix my stupidity after I realize I screwed up again. I get my head bitten off and told to grow up. It really hurts we I wasn’t invited to a family event. That really doesn’t hurt. I’m still guessing I had no right to fell that way.
Thanks for this and the effort you put into make these concepts and experiences accessible to the public. Have you recorded a video on resentments?
Soo true.. My friend had told me she would call me on weekends.. As she's free then.. But she didn't for two consecutive weeks!! Den suddenly she messages in a weekday , as I don't have a job.. Giving me talks on I should apply anywhere I get! I got upset and told her you don't have time to talk on a weekend, u have time for this! She says, Apologies! ...Just that! No explanation or sorry in detail..nothing.I understood I'm not that important to her! She behaved like this quite a few times before too..this apology didnt seem genuine and even after apologizing, she repeated her mistakes..so ders no point😏..I'm so done!
I've been the reactive person! I look back and cringe, but it boiled down to my insecurity and being desperate for other people to approve of me. Glad I figured it out and am happy and making new friends and am ok if someone says no. I also say no when tired, and try to keep things in check with myself. Unfortunately, my mother, is still quite reactive and passive agressive. The apple didn't fall far from the tree..
But sounds like the apple is rolling away, so good on you!
I want to stop saying "it's okay", "no problem", "no worries" when it is a problem or worry, what would you recommend?
3:07 "Expectations without communication are resentments in the making."
I’ve been living as a giant unexplored iceberg & this is really helpful. Thank you.
I can't remember the movie I saw it in but I always think of "when you assume you make an ass out of you and me" anytime I assume anything it makes me think of that quote.
Thank you Kati
I have experienced huge and intense pycholoical distruction after the death of my long-time best friend. Becuase I am a devout Muslim and had my family to support me at time I made balance to my life agian and accepted the lose.
I am so sorry for your loss. xoxo And I am glad this video was helpful. xoxo
Excellent advice. Thank you.
I wish I had seen this before I messed up and lost my friend, I miss them so much that it hurts. 😢 Things got on top of me and I ghosted them for over a year. As more and more time passed I didn't know how to break the silence, I recently plucked up the courage and reached out via text yesterday to say sorry. I can only hope that one day in the future they can forgive me and reply although I know that I am asking for alot.
I always run away when things get hard, I think I have attachment and trust issues. It's easier to hide from things than deal with things.
I wish I had this 2 months ago, as I think I've ruined my current friendship by being that woman of your friend. Now my friend is ghosting me 😢
Ok - Expectations... I would like to say that shouldnt it be that there are FUNCTIONAL EXPECTATIONS.... and .... DYSFUNCTIONAL EXPECTATIONS..... Functional expectations: people treat me with basic respect, no shaming, no manipulation, no lying, each puts in about 50% of the work for the relationship to work ....... almost never yelling (I mean very rare and only with really good cause when emotions due to serious issue boil over).... if they lie, shame by accident they apologize.....
Because I have close relationships, not distant ones, I would have said, or would want them to say, "Hey, I just got back into town and I am super busy and jet lagged. I don't have as much time as usual, so I can either do (The restaurant) and walking doing my things, or can you give me a couple of weeks or so (or days) to get settled?" This causes a similar reaction in emotion, but in practicality the friend isn't so upset and is able to make plans, and the friendship continues. The downside is some passive aggressive tendencies in the relationship, but that was already under there anyway. So at least you still have your friend and are trying to work on your communication and connection. And if you don't already tend toward passive aggressive connections, then listen to someone else's advice. LOL Because that could be the exact opposite of what you need.
I just recently lost a friendship in this kind of way. There was a miscommunication within a group of friends, and I ended up feeling left out/left behind on an event that was being attended. I'd already been feeling like I was losing the close connections I had in this group, including the person I would have considered my best friend, so this just kind of hit my fear of abandonment buttons and I overreacted. I got left behind for getting a ride, was really upset by this, and just went home instead of arranging another way to get there. No one checked up to see if I was okay or to figure out what happened. No one apologized for the misunderstanding. The rest of the night and most of the following day no one even said anything too me.
The misunderstanding/miscommunication could have easily been dealt with, but what really hurt is that after I made it clear that it had upset me I was later told I was being "awful" and obviously they didn't mean anything by what happened. The closest I got to an "I'm sorry" for the entire situation was an "I'm sorry, but..." which, if it ends in "but", is a pretty worthless apology. I took my time in formulating a response and why I was hurt, why I felt like me feelings were being invalidated and why I felt like I was being gaslit, and that it felt pretty shitty that it seemed like my friends didn't care how the miscommunication/lack of communication had affected me. It's been like 4 months now - my "best" friend never responded. Just moved on. It feels terrible. Guess I wasn't so paranoid about that whole abandonment thing, eh?
Wow, I think I am realizing I was in a situation like this with a former friend. This has just helped me a lot with gaining closure for my part of the story. 😥
I assumed that I was going to dinner with someone after she accepted my offer. Therefore, I had an expectation. I didn't know she just didn't want to say "no/not interested/etc" because we never went, even after I asked her several times about it.
Thank you Kati
Reassurance helps. Communication as well. I’ve self harmed because of assumptions 😢
Super helpful !
Expectations breed resentments (popular 12 step recovery phrase) Yours has a prettier ring to it. 😉
Maybe that's where the quote originally came from!! :) xoxo
Maybe it was a build up,over time. Maybe he was just being a shitty friend leading up to that and she blew up 💁🏻♀️
You used 2 maybe’s in your comment. You made 2 assumption on a video about how assumptions aren’t productive. 💁
I've found it helpful to 1) pause, 2) self-soothe, and 3) actively call to mind the GOOD things I know and trust about the other person instead of sending a flame response like that. You can put your phone in a time-lock K-safe if you have to! When feeling cooler (not necessarily the same day), saying something like the following is a much more likely to get an outcome that feels good to both parties:
"I know you're a good person and this may just be a miscommunication so I want to check the facts. When you said X in response to my suggestion of brunch I interpreted it as you not valuing time with me (or me) because to me there's no substitute for talking face to face. I took your response as a disrespectful blow-off, and that really hurt me, but I'm trying to be open to another interpretation. Can we talk about this?"
why do i feel like so many needs to hear this?
Watching this and imagining I have friends to solve those problems.
I like what you said, but have a slightly different evaluation of the brunch request situation. I would make the assumption that the person I was inviting to brunch understood that I specifically asked her to brunch because I wanted to spend time catching up. I would assume that they have noticed that that is my preference with them.
I would be a little offended that they were essentially inviting me instead to hang out with them while they did an errand. I would take this signal of suggesting something more casual to assume that I’m not worth the time to sit down and chat with because they are literally not offering the time to sit down and chat (he could have suggested a later date for brunch as well). I think it’s a fair assumption that the woman inviting your friend to brunch cares more about sitting down and spending time together than the other person. Maybe if your friend had apologized upfront, and said that they didn’t have time to sit down (and wish they did), but that they could offer this alternative that would’ve softened the perceived rejection - or said he doesn’t like brunch, whatever. I personally would not want to catch up with someone at a food court area or whatever the scenario was where you have to walk around and make a lot of choices or shop and not bump into to people and then also try to connect with the person you’re there to meet. Maybe your friend failed to validate what the other person was offering in terms of their time?
Alright, how about if my friend plans to go to the beach and bring along his friend , he came without any food or money , nor did his friend, then when I join them my friend asks me to treat him for lunch, which means that I'll to him and his friend which is the first I see him? My friend got upset because I said no, explained my reason for saying, and after all the discussion all he did was sending a sad emoji. What do I do?
I don’t know how I’d feel if I watched this back and knew it was about me :/ I hope he thought of that before he asked you to make a video about it.
Do you have any videos on repressed anger? I was looking, but you have so many videos so I’d thought I’d ask.
It was an over reaction. I feel bad bc this person probably has major abandonment wounds. I got like this with one friend who never spends any time with me and i always have to initiate texts, hangouts. Which they hardly ever maken it to.