Trying to identify my core values and see if my current relationship is aligned with them. I wish I could have known about my true core values before getting into any serious relationships! This video was helpful, thank you!
It's definitely essential to have a long lasting and healthy relationship. I am glad you found the video helpful! :) Please feel free to comment with any questions. :)
Hi, thank you for this video! Very helpful - Could you kindly share any prompts or questions that would help me identify my core values? Also, some tips to distinguish my core values from that of society/family and so on to build a stronger identity.
Thank you for the kind words and that is a great question! Typically our core values are what make us us. So things we strongly believe in and value. Some common examples would be rights, religion, politics, kids, how to raise kids, etc. These values should be an individuals guiding light so to speak of what we truly believe and no matter the external circumstances or environment are usually constant. I would reflect on things that are important to you and may have always been. Sometimes this is how we were raised or in others maybe the opposite of how we were raised as this is something we developed in our own beliefs of a difference and embraced our understanding and beliefs about it. I hope that makes sense and helps a bit. :).
Core values are just that….who you are at your CORE. What makes you,you. I think many either do not yet recognise their own core values,or chose to ignore that another’s core values do not match with their own,thus creating problems such as compromise and thus breeding resentment simply due to the fact your core values do not align. I really hope people take this into serious consideration before engaging in a relationship.
This is super helpful, thank you! Do you actually have this conversation when you meet someone to determine if you share values? Obviously, you can have a conversation about kids or finances, but what about other values? Do you discuss communication values or honesty, etc? Or do you just observe they behavior and see if it matches your values?
Great question! I am always a fan of setting values and boundaries up front that way both sides know what to expect and how you feel. It makes things easier in that regards, but I can see it working either way. It really boils down to your feeling on the values you are sharing and expressing and each and the relationship dynamics. When it came to meeting my wife, the conversation came up early on with what my values were to see if we viewed things similarly. I think up front can give you a much clearer path and a good foundation versus being reactionary. I hope that helps. :)
Thank you for this video. I'm in a relationship for 6 years (I'm 27) and I guess I knew for a while that my core values aren't aligned with his. I always wanted kids, he doesn't. Marriage is a natural and logical move in a relationship for me but not for him - and I'm tired of trying to explain why it's important to me. Another thing is that I recently realized that he is a serious homophobe (only verbally, he would never physically attack someone), but that is something I really can't get over. (These are just a few things but there are more...) I've mostly decided that I don't want to spend my life with someone like that but I still have trouble ending it. We live together so parting ways can't really happen overnight. And also, partly I'm still questioning if my reasons are valid. Do you have any advice, how to stay strong in this decision?
Thank you for sharing. This is a hard situation that ultimately only you can decide on. Once again, it all comes down to your values and what is important to you and what you feel you can "sacrifice" on or not. I would recommend listing out all of your values and prioritizing what's acceptable with variations, your strong values, and core or non-varying values. From there it can give you some clarity on what is the best choice for you and how you can express or even create solid healthy boundaries with. Ultimately a solid relationship will thrive on a mutual respect and understanding of one another's core values. Not necessarily having the same exact ones, but respecting one another's. With your situation do you feel your "core values" are respected and are you willing to compromise on the ones that are not? There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries with what you believe in if they are your "non varying core values". For example if you "absolutely" want children and that is your core value, then you have that choice to stick with what is important to you versus maybe another varying value. If you have a higher value, say the relationship, then that's where you would have to prioritize which is of higher value for you. I hope that helps. Please feel free to reply with any other follow up thoughts or questions. :)
@@soaringfamiliescounseling Thank you for your quick response, I really really appreciate it. I do have a list and I'll go through it again and to try to find out what type of values they are and if there is a space for compromise. Thank you for reminding me that we don't have to completely share our core values, I'll keep it in mind. For me knowing what I can expect in the next couple of years is very important. I did push this "value" aside because of my uni studies, which I've finished last year and now it's resurfacing again. I'd like to also mention a problem that is a result of other unsolved issues and that is lack of intimacy in the past year when it went from 60%-ish to 0%. That doesn't help to save the relationship and creates additional tension. Thank you for your help and advice --- Also, I'd like to add some more info about the things I've said before. It might help someone else to understand my situation better. The thing about having children is not only about him not wanting them. It might have to do something with his father that has 5 children with 4 women. They both value their own time more than spending it with their family. Seriously, we can't even agree on having a pet. I'm really concerned that even if I persuade him into having a child that I would end up doing everything alone. Nevertheless pushing someone into something they don't want to do is against my core beliefs. Also, I feel that it's not fair towards me, I always said that I want to have kids and he just recently said that he doesn't. (I'm sorry if my english a little bit of, it's not my first language)(edit: there were some huge white spaces in the text :D)
Great video but I feel like you did not address the question of HOW to identify our core values, and rather you explained on the importance of core values and how core values of two people work in a relationship. Do you have any advice on how to go about identifying ourselves? How/where should we start from?
No problem! Here is a little bit more of a breakdown on identifying your core values. And please keep in mind this goes with the assumption that every viewer is aware of their own values to some degree as I nor anyone else should be "directing" someone else values. When we are identifying our own values, this concept is more of a deep routed belief that we typically have from early on. The concept being this is routed in us with what we believe and how we grew up. Now this can be opposite of how we were raised or in line, but essentially that is how we all start to develop our own individual values. For example wanting to have children or not, marriage, religion, or any other deep routed belief would be your core values that are introduced from early ages. This would include cultural practices and beliefs also. An example would be how we treat others. I grew up in the restaurant business so I was raised to treat everyone with respect especially others in the hospitality industry. So even as I was dating, that was a big red flag for me and a "Core value" of how others were treated, especially wait staff, if there was a mutual respect, care, and compassion versus talking down to someone or being rude. The issues I see in therapy and also in my private life is people start negotiating these "values" and beliefs in order to make a relationships work and this is creating a relationship on very shaky grounds. Hence the importance of identifying your own values early on to ensure there is a strong foundation and that you would be an ideal match. You may be more aware of your own core values than you think. Start off with the basics of how you think/view people, relationships, romantic relationships and then start looking at your "must haves" versus "wants'. The must haves would be closer in line to your "core values" even if we don't title or identify them as such. That is what we are looking for in this concept. I hope this helps clear it up for you a bit more. :)
I find myself constantly explaining good moral values with my girlfriend and she's quick to acknowledge her understanding to my concerns, but she never take any actions of consideration for the next similar scenario. How long should i wait for a change before ending the relationship?
I think it is great that you are communicating your values with your girlfriend and that she is acknowledging them! Keep it up! Regarding how long you should wait, I don't have a direct timeline but would recommend reflecting on these things: A) Is this a value that she can relate to and adopt overtime? (Change isn't always immediate and sometimes takes time, practice, and gentle reminders.) B) Is the value something that she is attempting to adjust with but just hasn't been able to fully adopt with the timing you would like? (Patience and communication is essential with this one with supporting one another and helping her to understand the importance of your values and how it affects the relationship.) C) Is this particular value more important to you than the relationship? We have to reflect on the importance of our values and identify if it is a "deal breaker". From there that should help to either communicate the importance of that value with your girlfriend to allow her the time and option to adopt or helps you to make the choice of it not being the best fit for you. I hope that helps. :)
Vegetarianism is a core (or moral...?) value for my girlfriend. She wants her partner to not eat meat, but I'm learning autonomy is important to me, and I don't feel comfortable with someone imposing a dietary restriction on me. Autonomy is a core value of mine that I did not recognize until I got into this relationship with her. It has been very difficult navigating since this is the only core value I've identified that we have not been able to compromise on. Is there a difference between moral and core values?
That's a great question! They do usually line up for the individual that may see a value as "morally right" and is also their core value. What identifies a core value is based on an individual's beliefs and moral code. So they are typically the same. So for your girlfriend, vegetarianism can be morally a value as well as a core value. I hope that helps. :)
Thanks for that! 🙏 Do you know any relevant test or quiz or theory out there to clearly help identify them (values) & categorize them (absolute, flexible, not important)? Thanks!
I'm glad it was helpful! :) When it comes to romantic relationships I always recommend starting with the 5 Love Languages quiz. It may not be directly related to values, but it's a great place to start with identifying values and learning how you receive and express love as well as your partner. From there it may be easier to identify what's important to you and what is flexible or absolute. I hope that is helpful. :)
If two people get into a heated argument on the second date and politely agree to change subjects because both parties are angry, but it never comes to a resolution, can that indicate core value differences from flexible ones?
That's a tough one. It's hard to say without knowing the context of if its a core value vs flexible one. I would say that's up to you to define if the topic and argument was infringing on your core values. If it was a "topical debate" that you may have thoughts and feelings about but not really your direct moral compass and core values that's one thing and may be the current climate/situation versus a core value as they are usually never changing. An example of a flexible value is preferred brand to buy. If you love one brand just because you think it's better but the other person likes a competing brand, well that's not really a core value. An example of a core value may be your religious perspective or beliefs and then if they are opposing or disrespecting them, that would be a conflict of core values. Does this help give some clarity on the difference?
I am not very social or an extrovert, especially with the opposite sex. Its has nothing to do with self-confidence or self-esteem, but it is just how I was brought up. I have very few close friends including few female friends with whom I maintain healthy friendship. I value my relationship a lot. My ex-fiancé was the extreme opposite. She is very social and friendly. Even in the relationship, she was spending more time with her best friend (guy knows for an year) than with me. She works from his apartment, goes to parties late night with him and so on. This made me feel uncomfortable and ultimately we broke up. Could this be because of difference in core values?
It's definitely a difference in personality traits as far as introvert versus extrovert. Which is not a bad thing. When it comes to prioritizing others or spending time with others that makes either party uncomfortable, that can be an example of different core values. If you both had the same value of time spent together, communication, boundary setting, or engagement there would have been a more comfortable discussion and balance with a situation like that. If you both had the same values I think the boundaries would have been more clear and respected. I am sorry to hear about the difficulties with this relationship and hope it helped to fine tune identifying what you would want in a partner for the future. :)
Great question! Sure some values can change throughout your life. When it comes to "Core Values" these are usually our very strong beliefs that we have that wouldn't be easily changed. Typically when going into relationships and within the message of this video. We want those beliefs to be solid. I see a lot unfortunately individuals that go in with strong values and beliefs and then start to "change them" for the relationship to make things work and then ultimately end up coming back to their original values and beliefs and it causes conflict within the relationship. So I would highly advise to make sure you know your values 100% going into a relationship and knowing what you can adjust with and what you are not able/willing to. Be honest with yourself and within the relationship on what those values are too. I hope that clarifies things for you. :)
I broke up with my bf after 5 years because I did not feel normal when he always had some kind of party , holiday party or get together around women im not even around and hes never met and drinks . he tells me im insecure but I feel im not being how men are around attractive women. I feel its normal if we were around the people he was around together. Am i right to feel what he is doing is not right?
This is a great question and honestly the answer may be tough to answer directly as I don't believe it is a matter of "right or wrong". It's all about how you feel. When it comes to relationships regardless of the point being right or wrong, it ultimately comes down to how your partner makes you feel and addresses the issues with you. Do you feel comfortable, valued, respected, validated, and secure with the person. I believe those values to be more important than possible misinterpretation. If my partner were to tell me something makes them feel uncomfortable and I didn't agree for whatever reason. I would still take into account it's how they feel and figure out a solution together to ensure they feel secure, comfortable, valued, and can ultimately trust me. I hope that makes sense and helps clarify. Ultimately the answer is up to you on what you think is right for you and your relationship. :)
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Comment below with any questions you may have on identifying core values in relationships.
Trying to identify my core values and see if my current relationship is aligned with them. I wish I could have known about my true core values before getting into any serious relationships! This video was helpful, thank you!
It's definitely essential to have a long lasting and healthy relationship. I am glad you found the video helpful! :) Please feel free to comment with any questions. :)
Hi, thank you for this video! Very helpful - Could you kindly share any prompts or questions that would help me identify my core values? Also, some tips to distinguish my core values from that of society/family and so on to build a stronger identity.
Thank you for the kind words and that is a great question! Typically our core values are what make us us. So things we strongly believe in and value. Some common examples would be rights, religion, politics, kids, how to raise kids, etc. These values should be an individuals guiding light so to speak of what we truly believe and no matter the external circumstances or environment are usually constant. I would reflect on things that are important to you and may have always been. Sometimes this is how we were raised or in others maybe the opposite of how we were raised as this is something we developed in our own beliefs of a difference and embraced our understanding and beliefs about it. I hope that makes sense and helps a bit. :).
Core values are just that….who you are at your CORE.
What makes you,you.
I think many either do not yet recognise their own core values,or chose to ignore that another’s core values do not match with their own,thus creating problems such as compromise and thus breeding resentment simply due to the fact your core values do not align.
I really hope people take this into serious consideration before engaging in a relationship.
100% agree. :)
Great! I appreciate how thorough you had explained identifying core values! This was very helpful and encouraging!
I'm glad it was helpful! :)
This was a well done video explaining core values. Thank you!
Thank you. I hope it was helpful. :)
This is super helpful, thank you! Do you actually have this conversation when you meet someone to determine if you share values? Obviously, you can have a conversation about kids or finances, but what about other values? Do you discuss communication values or honesty, etc? Or do you just observe they behavior and see if it matches your values?
Great question! I am always a fan of setting values and boundaries up front that way both sides know what to expect and how you feel. It makes things easier in that regards, but I can see it working either way. It really boils down to your feeling on the values you are sharing and expressing and each and the relationship dynamics.
When it came to meeting my wife, the conversation came up early on with what my values were to see if we viewed things similarly.
I think up front can give you a much clearer path and a good foundation versus being reactionary.
I hope that helps. :)
Thank you for this video. I'm in a relationship for 6 years (I'm 27) and I guess I knew for a while that my core values aren't aligned with his. I always wanted kids, he doesn't. Marriage is a natural and logical move in a relationship for me but not for him - and I'm tired of trying to explain why it's important to me. Another thing is that I recently realized that he is a serious homophobe (only verbally, he would never physically attack someone), but that is something I really can't get over. (These are just a few things but there are more...) I've mostly decided that I don't want to spend my life with someone like that but I still have trouble ending it. We live together so parting ways can't really happen overnight. And also, partly I'm still questioning if my reasons are valid. Do you have any advice, how to stay strong in this decision?
Thank you for sharing.
This is a hard situation that ultimately only you can decide on.
Once again, it all comes down to your values and what is important to you and what you feel you can "sacrifice" on or not.
I would recommend listing out all of your values and prioritizing what's acceptable with variations, your strong values, and core or non-varying values.
From there it can give you some clarity on what is the best choice for you and how you can express or even create solid healthy boundaries with.
Ultimately a solid relationship will thrive on a mutual respect and understanding of one another's core values. Not necessarily having the same exact ones, but respecting one another's. With your situation do you feel your "core values" are respected and are you willing to compromise on the ones that are not?
There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries with what you believe in if they are your "non varying core values".
For example if you "absolutely" want children and that is your core value, then you have that choice to stick with what is important to you versus maybe another varying value. If you have a higher value, say the relationship, then that's where you would have to prioritize which is of higher value for you.
I hope that helps. Please feel free to reply with any other follow up thoughts or questions. :)
@@soaringfamiliescounseling Thank you for your quick response, I really really appreciate it.
I do have a list and I'll go through it again and to try to find out what type of values they are and if there is a space for compromise. Thank you for reminding me that we don't have to completely share our core values, I'll keep it in mind.
For me knowing what I can expect in the next couple of years is very important. I did push this "value" aside because of my uni studies, which I've finished last year and now it's resurfacing again.
I'd like to also mention a problem that is a result of other unsolved issues and that is lack of intimacy in the past year when it went from 60%-ish to 0%. That doesn't help to save the relationship and creates additional tension.
Thank you for your help and advice
---
Also, I'd like to add some more info about the things I've said before. It might help someone else to understand my situation better.
The thing about having children is not only about him not wanting them. It might have to do something with his father that has 5 children with 4 women. They both value their own time more than spending it with their family. Seriously, we can't even agree on having a pet. I'm really concerned that even if I persuade him into having a child that I would end up doing everything alone. Nevertheless pushing someone into something they don't want to do is against my core beliefs. Also, I feel that it's not fair towards me, I always said that I want to have kids and he just recently said that he doesn't.
(I'm sorry if my english a little bit of, it's not my first language)(edit: there were some huge white spaces in the text :D)
@@Felineska I think you expressed yourself just fine. :)
Great video but I feel like you did not address the question of HOW to identify our core values, and rather you explained on the importance of core values and how core values of two people work in a relationship. Do you have any advice on how to go about identifying ourselves? How/where should we start from?
No problem! Here is a little bit more of a breakdown on identifying your core values. And please keep in mind this goes with the assumption that every viewer is aware of their own values to some degree as I nor anyone else should be "directing" someone else values.
When we are identifying our own values, this concept is more of a deep routed belief that we typically have from early on. The concept being this is routed in us with what we believe and how we grew up. Now this can be opposite of how we were raised or in line, but essentially that is how we all start to develop our own individual values. For example wanting to have children or not, marriage, religion, or any other deep routed belief would be your core values that are introduced from early ages. This would include cultural practices and beliefs also. An example would be how we treat others. I grew up in the restaurant business so I was raised to treat everyone with respect especially others in the hospitality industry. So even as I was dating, that was a big red flag for me and a "Core value" of how others were treated, especially wait staff, if there was a mutual respect, care, and compassion versus talking down to someone or being rude.
The issues I see in therapy and also in my private life is people start negotiating these "values" and beliefs in order to make a relationships work and this is creating a relationship on very shaky grounds. Hence the importance of identifying your own values early on to ensure there is a strong foundation and that you would be an ideal match.
You may be more aware of your own core values than you think. Start off with the basics of how you think/view people, relationships, romantic relationships and then start looking at your "must haves" versus "wants'. The must haves would be closer in line to your "core values" even if we don't title or identify them as such. That is what we are looking for in this concept.
I hope this helps clear it up for you a bit more. :)
I find myself constantly explaining good moral values with my girlfriend and she's quick to acknowledge her understanding to my concerns, but she never take any actions of consideration for the next similar scenario.
How long should i wait for a change before ending the relationship?
I think it is great that you are communicating your values with your girlfriend and that she is acknowledging them! Keep it up!
Regarding how long you should wait, I don't have a direct timeline but would recommend reflecting on these things:
A) Is this a value that she can relate to and adopt overtime? (Change isn't always immediate and sometimes takes time, practice, and gentle reminders.)
B) Is the value something that she is attempting to adjust with but just hasn't been able to fully adopt with the timing you would like? (Patience and communication is essential with this one with supporting one another and helping her to understand the importance of your values and how it affects the relationship.)
C) Is this particular value more important to you than the relationship?
We have to reflect on the importance of our values and identify if it is a "deal breaker". From there that should help to either communicate the importance of that value with your girlfriend to allow her the time and option to adopt or helps you to make the choice of it not being the best fit for you.
I hope that helps. :)
Know your core values before dating.
Definitely! :)
Vegetarianism is a core (or moral...?) value for my girlfriend. She wants her partner to not eat meat, but I'm learning autonomy is important to me, and I don't feel comfortable with someone imposing a dietary restriction on me. Autonomy is a core value of mine that I did not recognize until I got into this relationship with her. It has been very difficult navigating since this is the only core value I've identified that we have not been able to compromise on. Is there a difference between moral and core values?
That's a great question! They do usually line up for the individual that may see a value as "morally right" and is also their core value. What identifies a core value is based on an individual's beliefs and moral code. So they are typically the same. So for your girlfriend, vegetarianism can be morally a value as well as a core value. I hope that helps. :)
Thanks for that! 🙏 Do you know any relevant test or quiz or theory out there to clearly help identify them (values) & categorize them (absolute, flexible, not important)? Thanks!
I'm glad it was helpful! :) When it comes to romantic relationships I always recommend starting with the 5 Love Languages quiz. It may not be directly related to values, but it's a great place to start with identifying values and learning how you receive and express love as well as your partner. From there it may be easier to identify what's important to you and what is flexible or absolute. I hope that is helpful. :)
If two people get into a heated argument on the second date and politely agree to change subjects because both parties are angry, but it never comes to a resolution, can that indicate core value differences from flexible ones?
That's a tough one. It's hard to say without knowing the context of if its a core value vs flexible one. I would say that's up to you to define if the topic and argument was infringing on your core values. If it was a "topical debate" that you may have thoughts and feelings about but not really your direct moral compass and core values that's one thing and may be the current climate/situation versus a core value as they are usually never changing.
An example of a flexible value is preferred brand to buy. If you love one brand just because you think it's better but the other person likes a competing brand, well that's not really a core value. An example of a core value may be your religious perspective or beliefs and then if they are opposing or disrespecting them, that would be a conflict of core values.
Does this help give some clarity on the difference?
I am not very social or an extrovert, especially with the opposite sex. Its has nothing to do with self-confidence or self-esteem, but it is just how I was brought up. I have very few close friends including few female friends with whom I maintain healthy friendship. I value my relationship a lot.
My ex-fiancé was the extreme opposite. She is very social and friendly. Even in the relationship, she was spending more time with her best friend (guy knows for an year) than with me. She works from his apartment, goes to parties late night with him and so on. This made me feel uncomfortable and ultimately we broke up.
Could this be because of difference in core values?
It's definitely a difference in personality traits as far as introvert versus extrovert. Which is not a bad thing. When it comes to prioritizing others or spending time with others that makes either party uncomfortable, that can be an example of different core values. If you both had the same value of time spent together, communication, boundary setting, or engagement there would have been a more comfortable discussion and balance with a situation like that. If you both had the same values I think the boundaries would have been more clear and respected. I am sorry to hear about the difficulties with this relationship and hope it helped to fine tune identifying what you would want in a partner for the future. :)
@@soaringfamiliescounseling Thank you
Thanks for sharing!
No problem! :)
thanks for sharing!
My pleasure!
Can our values change?
Great question! Sure some values can change throughout your life. When it comes to "Core Values" these are usually our very strong beliefs that we have that wouldn't be easily changed. Typically when going into relationships and within the message of this video. We want those beliefs to be solid. I see a lot unfortunately individuals that go in with strong values and beliefs and then start to "change them" for the relationship to make things work and then ultimately end up coming back to their original values and beliefs and it causes conflict within the relationship. So I would highly advise to make sure you know your values 100% going into a relationship and knowing what you can adjust with and what you are not able/willing to. Be honest with yourself and within the relationship on what those values are too. I hope that clarifies things for you. :)
I broke up with my bf after 5 years because I did not feel normal when he always had some kind of party , holiday party or get together around women im not even around and hes never met and drinks . he tells me im insecure but I feel im not being how men are around attractive women. I feel its normal if we were around the people he was around together. Am i right to feel what he is doing is not right?
This is a great question and honestly the answer may be tough to answer directly as I don't believe it is a matter of "right or wrong". It's all about how you feel. When it comes to relationships regardless of the point being right or wrong, it ultimately comes down to how your partner makes you feel and addresses the issues with you. Do you feel comfortable, valued, respected, validated, and secure with the person. I believe those values to be more important than possible misinterpretation.
If my partner were to tell me something makes them feel uncomfortable and I didn't agree for whatever reason. I would still take into account it's how they feel and figure out a solution together to ensure they feel secure, comfortable, valued, and can ultimately trust me. I hope that makes sense and helps clarify. Ultimately the answer is up to you on what you think is right for you and your relationship. :)
Bro give me examples like wtf