0:00 Please remember: These are real people who had the courage to come on my podcast and ask for help. Would you be willing to come on this podcast and share every detail of your financial life? Feel free to leave comments based on what you think, but remember that we are here to help in a supportive way, not to demean and criticize.
It does take considerable courage to put yourself out there like this. In fact, if you manage money at your job and your employer sees how you handle your personal money it may actually harm you.
I think the people that go on this podcast are so brave. They are willing to face their mistakes and work on them. Every episode so far has been eye opening and inspiring to me. Keep up the good work
@@BoundlessEyes There was a point in the episode that I "heard" the thought, "leave this woman" but of course it wasn't uttered. The kind of thought you hear when you know what word somebody is trying to say and you offer it up.
Prenups are there for a reason, he doesn’t want to marry her because he doesn’t want to get married. He is making it seem like its a her problem that they cant get married. When she does fix this, he will find some other thing she has to fix that she wont be able to fix before they can get married.
@Mango Madness Prenup is good advice. But I think it's deeper than that. Financial stress is a major reason for divorce. Even with a prenup this guy probably doesn't want to deal with the headache of dealing with her habits. It's very telling that he said he doesn't nag her because it's her money now, not their money. I don't blame him for not wanting to get married yet.
the point shouldn't be her just paying 15k so she can get married; but to change in such a way that she wouldn't be in that position going forward. Otherwise, she will be soon in 100k of debt shortly after they are married. duh!
I really resonated with this because I had the same mentality as her for many years and I thought the same way about how do I get from A to Z when I’m already this way? But if you are determined enough you can and I’ve managed to pay off almost 30k in debt, have an emergency savings, and invest. It CAN happen!
Yeah the “throwing spreadsheets at the problem” and not actually addressing the root of the problem and the beliefs really hit home for me in this episode.
“I don’t know how” 🤷🏽♀️ is, in other words, weaponized incompetence. I totally understand why she does it and am excited to hear Ramit helping her get to the root of why she uses it as an excuse. Happy for her realizations because she actually DOES know! Or at least knows how to use her other skills to be able to get answers
I had the same issue until I couldn’t afford to replace the toilet in my condo without help. I was so embarrassed to have to go to my parents for help on this, but that’s what happened. I ended up selling that condo, moved into an apartment for a year and a half, took the proceeds, got rid of my debts, and saved for a down payment on another condo. When it comes to everything except for my mortgage, I’ve been debt free since September 2021, and I’ll never look back.
I love that DJ stuck through this hard conversation. She's clearly incredibly smart and should have no issues once she becomes determined to make the changes. As Adam pointed out, sometimes you just need someone else to tell you the hard things and not your partner.
Smart? Buying a new outfit EVERY WEEKEND is not smart. That's downright stupid and completely unnecessary. She's out of control and shameless about it. No wonder he's said "No" so far. He understands that proper money management is critical to a marriage having experienced failure already and her access to his money would only mean she would recklessly continue to overspend.
She's going to have a nasty shock about how fast the money in her checking account runs out when she stops using her cards. She has an impulse spending problem that she seems very unaware of.
Impulse control and FOMO. She says she says 'no" to things, but I don't think it's as often as she should. Same with the outfits and shopping. She wants her cake and eat it too, without the work. I hope she can find a way to address that and find a healthier balance.
This really shows that a person not trained in psychology can’t do psychology on someone with a non superficial problem. Even if they are smart and experienced like ramit
This is why I’m in therapy, take my meds (I’m ADHD, and was an impulse spender when it was not being treated and managed), and track my expenses, so that I don’t slip back down that slippery slope. Having a CSP is one thing, but when you are someone with known impulse issues, it’s important to track your spending to make sure that you’re staying the course.
This is the best show. It is so revealing, and Ramit has this brilliant way of asking probing questions that throw light on things. Being able to see people's faces as it gradually dawns on them what they are doing wrong or what they need to do differently is the icing on the cake. It makes for a good listen even without pictures, but the visuals really complete the show and I look forward to every new episode.
Using money to fill in a void to buy unnecessary stuff we don’t need is such an overlooked addiction. Especially living in such a materialistic society. I fall victim to it too, but being more aware and seeing therapy has helped.
There's a part about "victim mentality" in Ramit's book that rubbed me wrong when I first read it, until I realized that's me. I sympathize with DJ, there are so many things out there saying "it's not your fault, there are systemic forces, credit card companies are predatory" etc etc. And that is all very true - AND we've all got to dig ourselves out. I think it's easy to be hard on her, but I get it, she just needs a little tough self love.
This was a tough one. DJ's story aligns with mine in many ways -- feeling very beaten down by years of low-wage work and having to supplement with credit just to feel like you can participate in life. It takes a lot of hard work to increase your income the way DJ did, way to go! Now it's just the other hard part of changing your mentality around money, locking yourself down for a few years to get the books right again. You can do it! And as a very practical tip; I didn't make meaningful progress on my high-interest credit cards until I transferred the balance to a fixed, low-interest personal loan. That shit saved my life. Everything is paid and my money feels like mine again -- wishing the same for you, DJ!
Ramit really helped DJ big time. This is honestly the hardest ep so far to listen to…. The way DJ acted oblivious to curve her responsibilities so hard was tough to watch . This is learned helplessness and invites sooo many problems in life. I hope she can step up for herself in the future 😢
It was so beautiful how you helped her find the glitch in her logic about the credit card (points!?) and helped bring her learned helplessness up into her conscious view. Great episode, Ramit.
I can picture DJ getting through this, actually fairly quickly. If she can make a huge career leap like that, she can definitely apply the same perseverance, structure, and behaviors to finance. The credit card points I feel like are a connection to family history of gambling, which I find interesting. She actually might be able to use the small win approach to her advantage if she is wired this way. She mentioned putting a star on a calendar to keep track of wins, this could actually be that small psychological win that could help keep her motivated helping her leap into a new era.
@@mygoodlife204 Sort of the opposite. Her mom didn't enable her dad because she tried to take the money from him before he could spend it, even though it didn't always work. Adam doesn't want to get in that situation.
@@M_SC This is weaponized incompetence by it's definition. It's described as deliberate or unconscious behavior to avoid responsibility. However, there is a big difference on whether you're doing it with malice. In her case, she is definitely doing what she is unconsciously but there's not malice. It's more of a response to some of her own insecurities and is an excuse to herself on not doing things. It's incompetence that's weaponized but it's weaponized towards herself. She clearly has a lot of knowledge about finances but she keeps telling herself she doesn't because continuing her habits is in her comfort zone.
Wow- each episode is better than the last. Fascinating how Ramit can get to the basis of behavior. DJ- you are brave for airing your issues and it sounds like you are helping others also. Stay strong- it will make life so much easier and more enjoyable.
I can relate so bad at 37:22 …. I am the sister. I still can’t understand how all of my siblings grew up in the same household for the most part and I’m the only one that has something. I also really hate being one of the higher earners for my family, even though I don’t even earn that much and get looked at as a cash bank.
It's the same with me and my family. I feel like all my siblings are impulsive and bad with money and I'm the planner who always has some money in the bank, and then get asked for money 😭 worse is then when they can't pay me back, they feel guilty and don't want to talk to me. Oh well
41:30 she’s me fr, fr. I haven’t had any major consequences. It doesn’t affect my life in a real way. I know exactly how that feels. This episode is hitting for me
You're lying to yourself about the consequences. Do you have your own home and car that are paid for? Are you at or above the average 401k account balance? Do you get to take at least one real vacation a year?
This was such a relatable episode for me. I do what she does and was able to get to the bottom of WHY I do it. Great episode. Thank you for helping us.
@Ramit, this was the episode I didn’t want to watch but needed to see. DJ IS ME. I have been stuck trying to figure how to get unstuck with the exact same debt, same thinking, and inability to see the solution - ‘I don’t know’ is the modus I operate from when anything gets hard. I am so glad I suck through this uncomfortable (for me) to watch conversation between yourself and DJ. She was the mirror I needed to change some broken mindset programs I have had. I have already changed back to using my checking acct and am ok if this takes me 2 years to payoff. I can not thank you enough for doing what you do. ❤
She's moving everything in the right direction! More income, plan to pay off the debt, and a supportive partner. I love this hard conversation and creating the framework to have the best life ever!
I love this session. DJ is funny and honest while Adam is patient and level-headed. With DJ taking responsibility and accountability, to her problem, hopefully they will flourish their relationship for the better.
I have a friend like that! She's so lucky she has a rich family who made it possible for her to buy a house. I hope she'll be able to keep it up at least. She thinks that she doesn't spend a lot, but she has bags of unworn clothes in the attic, is on holiday several times a year and goes to restaurant on a regular basis. Her car is a name brand. She really thinks we have a comparable lifestyle but I'm so much more frugal. Everything's old, basic and second hand. Spending is only fun when it involves stocks.
I think she just missed the whole part where her boyfriend said he's not in a rush to get married. And when she talked about her wants nothing on having a family.
The interesting thing is that she has taken on the role of her father. Her father was irresponsible with money and delegated the responsibility to her mother. Her mother even delegated the responsibility to her teenage sister at times. As much as she values her mother, who is “good” with money, she doesn’t really want to be like her, to be the one who figures it out when it comes to money. She says this doesn’t impact her really, but we all know it actually does. Even if you choose to ignore it, debt weighs on you and limits your opportunities and your autonomy. I hope she follows through on her plan and learns what it feels like to own your power as an individual before moving into a marriage.
47:00 this is so relatable to someone losing weight. They know they have to eat healthy and workout to lose weight. They’ve read a million books. But do they do it? Maybe not. They have the knowledge, but it’s an emotional problem.
Fascinating youtube channel,.. just had it pop up in my recommends and seeing that this channel operator is respectful; and kind to the people asking for help is wonderful. I can see tons of learning for me from this channel based on a glance at video titles from past videos. Very cool. Thanks. Subscribed.
Ramit is so great with these guests. I've been following Ramit's work since the barefoot edition of his book and am so in awe each time another great product comes out. The guests are so brave to come and share their stories. So many people I know would have ended these calls at the "I don't know!" point. I believe I'm good with money and I still pick up lessons from these podcasts that expose my habits with money as well as in other aspects of my life.
Ramit you are awesome! This is all going back to her Dad's irresponsibility & her mom bailing him out & mommying him for years. She is living this codependent dynamic with her mom, her fiance & Ramit. Unskilled she decided to take full personal responsibility for her life she will stay stuck.
Bro she's seems nice, but it ain't worth it. Run!!!! Don't walk away. RUN!!!! The debt is a symptom of a larger problem. Anyone who is not willing to take responsibility for their actions and thoughts and problems, as an adult is not someone who is ready to start a life with. Your gut in not wanting to commit now is a strong sign. Listen to it. I was listening on Spotify but I felt compelled to come say this. RUN ADAM RUN!!!
It's so common for people to have this mentality around points card and the system is designed exactly for this. I am so glad for this couple that they're moving forward!
It's crazy that people never do the math. I guess it's harder with points vs a cash back percentage. But still, getting back 2% on your purchases and being charged 20-30% in interest that compounds from not paying it off.
Does anybody else get a really bad feeling about that girl. Every time she spoke about her spending I had bella ringing in the back of my head telling me she tries to portray a wealthy lifestyle more than anything. She wants to spend money on getting her hair done and on new clothes whenever she wanta, but that has many levels to it that they don't talk about. Some hair stylist and clothes are extremely expensive. She also carriea 15k worth of CC debt on a 92k salary... That debt should be gone 6 months onto that new job. That is a very high income and the fact that she hasn't paid it off yet is a big red flag for me.
The background she chose isn't really helping this perception, I tried to like... Hamper my first impression but when I saw her show up on the screen I was like ohhhh boy
Ok that was amazing, the episodes are seriously getting better and better 👌 Thank you to all the amazing people willing to go on this show/Podcast, you are helping lots of people to learn ❤️
I went through this. You have to make a commitment to stop spending, and chunk off those bills. I wish I did this to my husband before we got married. I did it for him after we were married, and he took it for granted. Paid off the cards, paid off his car, student loans, and they all went back up. I was his money machine for 14 years, culminating in the divorce. With me, saving was my way to deal with a job I didn't like. I wanted to pay everything off so I could quit, but it was like an eternal treadmill with him. Always something unexpected to buy--for him. I bought something I liked, and he would have something negative about me spending the money. Gambling addiction is shameful for the people who suffer with it. I totally understand why she saved it for last.
I love how the light bulb finally came on with DJ. After she pays off the credit cards, then she can use those points if she wants by charging and PAYING OFF every single month. She is much younger than me when I finally got it together. She will do great!
Ramit you have the patience of a saint… I felt like I was banging my head against the wall with the number of dodges and “I don’t know”s she threw back.
This. I’ve never been more frustrated but I know its because she’s not ready to face the truth of why she does the things she does. She can’t go deep or get to the root because then she’ll have to face herself and clearly she can’t
Knowing what to do and doing it are two different things especially when there are no consequences. Its easy to create a spreadsheet but to have the discipline not to buy that stuff or save money is the problem. It takes discipline to think you have access to 'free money' and you choose not to buy that shiny stuff
I always think it's interesting to see how childhood echos in our lives. I think her sister got her mother's lessons while she followed her father's gambling lessons. She lives in the now and believes she will win. Her mother lived in the future and saved for that day. Her sister gained that lesson. Interesting that two sisters in the same family learned different lessons from their childhoods.
I feel like they missed drawing a parallel between DJ and her dad - living in the moment and burying ones head in the sand about spending and racking up bills is a lot like the gambler mentality
She's been enabled her entire life so this will take time and would be nice to see a follow up. Had a friend just like this, in his late 30s, parents still paying for his cell phone, car insurance, paying his mortgage, etc. He made decent money, but blew it left and right on stupid stuff and couldn't figure out why no one wanted to get into a serious relationship with him. She's 37 and her room looks like a 5 year old child's bedroom, there's a lot of psychological stuff at play here. "I save 10% of my paycheck" to "My sister saves, I don't save, I have no idea." So is she saving or not, makes no sense. It became pretty evident toward the end she's just playing dumb because she enjoys being enabled. Wish we would have got more detail on Adam's debt and he still seems emotionally hurt from the last marriage. Combining the financial numbers didn't really help either since they aren't married.
Damn, this shiii is good. She is literally getting a therapy session for free. I am getting stuff out of this that is for me too. I am at 43:01. What Ramit just said makes perfect sense. It doesn't matter how much debt she has or how much more she makes. The decision is being made on her emotions. Nothing to do with is she has the money or not and how much she is already in debt. Damn, this is awesome and crazy at the same time. I hope she goes back to view this to marinate, ponder, and soak this.
I still don't understand it. It's all about feelings. That's very vague and complicated. Her father gambles and therefore she spends? I don't get the connection. She wants "a rich life". And therefore wastes all the money she has. Doesn't make a lot of sense. He tries to explain but it doesn't become clear to me.
As someone who was a DJ until I saw this episode last year, the problem isn’t the dad, IT’S THE MOM. The mom has taught her that she will never fall flat on her face because she will take care of it. This taught DJ that she isn’t capable. My parents are the same as hers basically. I got sober several months after this episode came out and as the flog clears have uncovered many ways my mom signalled to me that I don’t matter. My mom is high-key obsessed with buying me things.
I only have debit card. I haven't had a credit card for about 20 years. You've got me really thinking about my relationship with money and what's important to me.
My ex was like DJ, a believer and Avoider. She never wanted to talk finances with me and overall it frusturated me because she thought that her money problems would just go away. Yet she refused to change her lifestyle and added more to her monthly bills and never thought about a savings or anything like that.
I ALWAYS told the children “I don’t know isn’t an answer” take responsibility! Was a way to put the conversation back on them. I used the winner vs. loser saying as consequence when they needed to step back and reflect on what they were saying or behaving
she saw her dad getting away with everything and still having placement and no debt. because her mom did it all... she is doing the same thing expecting the partner to do the same.
My last relationship would have gone so much smoother if I had realized how woefully insecure my debt made me feel at the time & if I’d come up with a plan…I didn’t even KNOW that was such a source of poor self-image. It never clicked until I had an emergency post-breakup that forced me to max out all of my credit cards and get serious about starting paying debt down. The relief and the weight that came off my shoulders was astounding and I hadn’t even been consciously aware that it was there. Different outlook now entirely.
Shaking my head at an hour 7 minutes because she just agreed to pay down her credit card at 2K per month, but she not admitting that she will still be spending all the other money in her checking account. It will take many more months than 9 months. She will lower that $2000 right away.
Whew, the age gap between them is a huge elephant in the room. His perspective totally makes sense for someone later in life, especially post divorce. She's in a place where marriage means something different, means she's not supposed to be finished yet. As she says, she hasn't faced any accountability in her life. He's asking her to hurry and finish growing up. Best of luck to them.
I really feel for DJ. I wonder if she is also unable to say "no" to herself because she is using spending money as a way to numb out or soothe negative emotions that she can't bring herself to feel. It's not just that spending less money will equal having less stuff and fun, but also that it would open up an opportunity for whatever she might be suppressing to rise up. I love the show and am happy to see all of Ramit's success!
The points are only if you use your credit card like an atm and you pay it in full every month. There are definitely consequences to her behavior... She just doesn't see the consequences... She is paying a debt infinity that never goes down.
Whenever I find myself wanting to spend money on something I don’t need, but wanting the high of shopping, I have to go NO BUY for a months or longer. It’s an addiction.
First time watching the channel. I truly appreciate the honest of this couple. I feel like the host isn't just a "money man" he sounds like a psychologist. And I feel that once you are married you become one. So both parties need to be whole. I too don't think they should get married until she get her debt under control.
This conversation would’ve been way more productive if Ramit was talking to Adam and Adam told her. She obviously values him more than herself and is only trying to fix this for him. I hate that for her but I hope she realizes her value.
1:11:31 Thank you for being a teaching example for my audience. I am often called “mean” for my straightforward answers, so seeing your no nonsense way of holding her accountable was very inspiring and reassuring. I am teaching feminines the importance of self development prior to dating, which includes maturing your money management skills. She is very self aware and I am glad you called her out for playing dumb. She plays dumb because there’s no consequences for not using the smarts within her. Most of us had to use our smarts for survival (such as being homeless). I hope she understands the importance of getting her finances together for now and in the future
I think there are consequences, they just ignore it. It triggers me so hard to think of all the money wasted on interest. She could buy many more things if she paid the cc balance on time.
I see the men here thinking about money in a practical, “black and white” way. Then when I watch her I see a beautiful, emotional, intelligent woman who has no self esteem, and no faith in herself. I don’t see how he can be the perfect match for her. He’s worried about money and protecting himself. She is obviously looking for love, security, and someone to be a friend. She needs to work on her self worth. She needs to trust herself, and celebrate that she is successful and capable. I believe once she changes her self view and treats herself with kindness - her habits with money will change.
Amen. She was making twice as much as him, is far better looking and seems pretty smart. She just needs some self confidence! Her debt is minor. Ramit spent so much time on it and let her boyfriend off scot free. Something tells me his finances are probably not perfect either.
Very, very interesting. The psychological probing is genius and really will set people up for success after truly identifying their issues. This particular episode helped me understand the behaviors that I’m seeing with a few people in my life. Wow.
YES DJ.. Sometimes you need to shut down your life temporarily to reach a bigger goal. It’s called adulting. It takes sacrifice. It takes saying NO to lots of things you want to do that would give you instant gratification in order to instead do the thing that would get you closer to your big picture. It takes putting new habits and behaviors into place. Until you make the choice to stop living a lifestyle you can’t afford and instead to live and make choices with intention, you’ll be broke. And you probably won’t be married to your current guy, who has already learned this the hard way. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
This is what I do, I am married 12 years, two kids 17 and 14 and I still act like I don’t know stuff I think because I just want someone to take care of me in certain ways but it is always me that does the taking care of.
That man needs to give her a timeframe to pay off this debt. Either she pays it off and they can get married for he moves on. If she cares about the relationship she'll figure it out.
@@katie8325 I never said his didn't matter. It's been a few weeks since I watched this but it seemed like he considered her refusal to pay down any debt to be a red flag. Not all debt is bad and I think he considered his to be reasonable. I also think he would be worried about what happens if they get married, she gets pregnant, then he can't afford to keep them afloat on one income. I could be wrong though. If you saw some thing different I'm open to hearing your take.
Thank you for this podcast! I know it was hard to see these flaws for some people but it was great to see a lot of myself in her and see a mirror in my own behaviors. This has been very helpful!
Great episode. Would have really love to see some of the focus on him as well. He mentioned he has debt, but we don't know how much. What are his strategies for knocking down his debt as well? Either way great episode. But would also love to hear about him as well.
This comment is spot on. She dances around it but she wants to make lifestyle decisions and someone else will make it all work. Frustrating bc she knows the language of finance to a degree but then says “I don’t know.” She doesn’t want to face reality.
Ramit I really like your podcasts/ TH-cam videos now, I’ve been listening to them since the very beginning and for sure I learn a lot about the financial world. Congrats and please keep doing it. I’m also gotta say the amount of adds you’re adding to the e videos are very annoying. Less adds please.
I see what Adam is saying about being okay with DJ having SOME debt. Ramit was looking for a yes/no answer and Adam gave a truthful answer with financially smart reasoning. Ramit kind of got beat there and stuck with the generalization. Ramit knows not all debt is bad debt. DJ has bad debt but probably some good debt in there as well.
The only spreadsheet she needs is an honest list of ‘needs’ and ‘wants’, and stick to not spending a cent on everything under the ‘wants’ list until she catches up with her debt.
1:05:17 the whole video can be cut down to this one sentence. "You can only buy with what's in your checking account." How can you have done all this financial research but sincerely have no grasp on that?
0:00 Please remember: These are real people who had the courage to come on my podcast and ask for help. Would you be willing to come on this podcast and share every detail of your financial life? Feel free to leave comments based on what you think, but remember that we are here to help in a supportive way, not to demean and criticize.
@ramitsethi In the beginning you say to go on TH-cam to watch full video but i am on TH-cam where would I find the full version im confused lol
@@thegrowthfamily6245 Haha he says that for people listening to the podcast. This is the full version.
I would love to come on your show
It does take considerable courage to put yourself out there like this. In fact, if you manage money at your job and your employer sees how you handle your personal money it may actually harm you.
I think the people that go on this podcast are so brave. They are willing to face their mistakes and work on them. Every episode so far has been eye opening and inspiring to me. Keep up the good work
I don't blame adam for not wanting to go ahead and get married until she figures out her financials. He's a smart guy for that.
I'm an hour in and Matt needs to run for his own financial wellbeing.
@@BoundlessEyes There was a point in the episode that I "heard" the thought, "leave this woman" but of course it wasn't uttered. The kind of thought you hear when you know what word somebody is trying to say and you offer it up.
Prenups are there for a reason, he doesn’t want to marry her because he doesn’t want to get married. He is making it seem like its a her problem that they cant get married. When she does fix this, he will find some other thing she has to fix that she wont be able to fix before they can get married.
@Mango Madness Prenup is good advice. But I think it's deeper than that. Financial stress is a major reason for divorce. Even with a prenup this guy probably doesn't want to deal with the headache of dealing with her habits. It's very telling that he said he doesn't nag her because it's her money now, not their money. I don't blame him for not wanting to get married yet.
@@mangomadnnesssYes, I agree!!!
Shout out to DJ's sister who is great with money and is living her rich life by spending 1000s of dollars on BTS' concerts. She is my hero.
I was hunting for this comment - as ARMY, DJ’s sister is my bias now. 💜
lmfao she’s slaying fr
This was the best part of the whole story 😂
the point shouldn't be her just paying 15k so she can get married; but to change in such a way that she wouldn't be in that position going forward. Otherwise, she will be soon in 100k of debt shortly after they are married. duh!
It's just a goal post. I have a feeling Adam will keep moving it. They'll never get married.
I really resonated with this because I had the same mentality as her for many years and I thought the same way about how do I get from A to Z when I’m already this way? But if you are determined enough you can and I’ve managed to pay off almost 30k in debt, have an emergency savings, and invest. It CAN happen!
Yeah the “throwing spreadsheets at the problem” and not actually addressing the root of the problem and the beliefs really hit home for me in this episode.
Congrats
“I don’t know how” 🤷🏽♀️ is, in other words, weaponized incompetence. I totally understand why she does it and am excited to hear Ramit helping her get to the root of why she uses it as an excuse. Happy for her realizations because she actually DOES know! Or at least knows how to use her other skills to be able to get answers
Yeah she talked like an alien was stealing her credit cards every day. Hope she continues to get to the bottom of this
Same. I have the same issue.
I had the same issue until I couldn’t afford to replace the toilet in my condo without help.
I was so embarrassed to have to go to my parents for help on this, but that’s what happened.
I ended up selling that condo, moved into an apartment for a year and a half, took the proceeds, got rid of my debts, and saved for a down payment on another condo.
When it comes to everything except for my mortgage, I’ve been debt free since September 2021, and I’ll never look back.
She was looking for male attention.
I love that DJ stuck through this hard conversation. She's clearly incredibly smart and should have no issues once she becomes determined to make the changes. As Adam pointed out, sometimes you just need someone else to tell you the hard things and not your partner.
She has to want it.
Def not money smart
Can't agree that she's smart I'm afraid.
Smart? Buying a new outfit EVERY WEEKEND is not smart. That's downright stupid and completely unnecessary. She's out of control and shameless about it.
No wonder he's said "No" so far. He understands that proper money management is critical to a marriage having experienced failure already and her access to his money would only mean she would recklessly continue to overspend.
@@TecnamTwinlol how badly did you miss the point, it’s nuts
She's going to have a nasty shock about how fast the money in her checking account runs out when she stops using her cards. She has an impulse spending problem that she seems very unaware of.
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Impulse control and FOMO. She says she says 'no" to things, but I don't think it's as often as she should. Same with the outfits and shopping. She wants her cake and eat it too, without the work. I hope she can find a way to address that and find a healthier balance.
This really shows that a person not trained in psychology can’t do psychology on someone with a non superficial problem. Even if they are smart and experienced like ramit
This is why I’m in therapy, take my meds (I’m ADHD, and was an impulse spender when it was not being treated and managed), and track my expenses, so that I don’t slip back down that slippery slope.
Having a CSP is one thing, but when you are someone with known impulse issues, it’s important to track your spending to make sure that you’re staying the course.
A new outfit every week!?!?!!! Shopping addiction? Like her father's addiction?
Has she been enabled? Her sister wasn't
This is the best show. It is so revealing, and Ramit has this brilliant way of asking probing questions that throw light on things. Being able to see people's faces as it gradually dawns on them what they are doing wrong or what they need to do differently is the icing on the cake. It makes for a good listen even without pictures, but the visuals really complete the show and I look forward to every new episode.
Thank you!
Maybe subconsciously she doesn’t really want to marry him.
Facts
Using money to fill in a void to buy unnecessary stuff we don’t need is such an overlooked addiction.
Especially living in such a materialistic society. I fall victim to it too, but being more aware and seeing therapy has helped.
Agreed 👍
This is so true .
There's a part about "victim mentality" in Ramit's book that rubbed me wrong when I first read it, until I realized that's me. I sympathize with DJ, there are so many things out there saying "it's not your fault, there are systemic forces, credit card companies are predatory" etc etc. And that is all very true - AND we've all got to dig ourselves out. I think it's easy to be hard on her, but I get it, she just needs a little tough self love.
Same. People tell you your entire life there are traps, look out for them. And we go into the traps anyway and blame the trappers.
This was a tough one. DJ's story aligns with mine in many ways -- feeling very beaten down by years of low-wage work and having to supplement with credit just to feel like you can participate in life. It takes a lot of hard work to increase your income the way DJ did, way to go! Now it's just the other hard part of changing your mentality around money, locking yourself down for a few years to get the books right again. You can do it! And as a very practical tip; I didn't make meaningful progress on my high-interest credit cards until I transferred the balance to a fixed, low-interest personal loan. That shit saved my life. Everything is paid and my money feels like mine again -- wishing the same for you, DJ!
I am addicted to this series. It really makes me think about my spending and how it affects my marriage.
Ramit really helped DJ big time. This is honestly the hardest ep so far to listen to…. The way DJ acted oblivious to curve her responsibilities so hard was tough to watch . This is learned helplessness and invites sooo many problems in life. I hope she can step up for herself in the future 😢
It was so beautiful how you helped her find the glitch in her logic about the credit card (points!?) and helped bring her learned helplessness up into her conscious view. Great episode, Ramit.
I can picture DJ getting through this, actually fairly quickly. If she can make a huge career leap like that, she can definitely apply the same perseverance, structure, and behaviors to finance. The credit card points I feel like are a connection to family history of gambling, which I find interesting. She actually might be able to use the small win approach to her advantage if she is wired this way. She mentioned putting a star on a calendar to keep track of wins, this could actually be that small psychological win that could help keep her motivated helping her leap into a new era.
Yes. It is the gambling! And Adam is not enabling her like her mom enabled the dad!
Same. Lots of finance and life coaches recommend doing something visual, like a thermometer to track goals so you can see your progress.
@@mygoodlife204 Sort of the opposite. Her mom didn't enable her dad because she tried to take the money from him before he could spend it, even though it didn't always work. Adam doesn't want to get in that situation.
it's called weaponized incompetence. A lot of us are guilty of this
Oh wow, I had never heard that term before. Perfect description.
This is so NOT that
@@M_SC This is weaponized incompetence by it's definition. It's described as deliberate or unconscious behavior to avoid responsibility. However, there is a big difference on whether you're doing it with malice. In her case, she is definitely doing what she is unconsciously but there's not malice. It's more of a response to some of her own insecurities and is an excuse to herself on not doing things. It's incompetence that's weaponized but it's weaponized towards herself. She clearly has a lot of knowledge about finances but she keeps telling herself she doesn't because continuing her habits is in her comfort zone.
@@M_SCas someone who used to use this in the past to get out of taking responsibility for anything, this absolutely IS weaponized incompetence.
Wow- each episode is better than the last. Fascinating how Ramit can get to the basis of behavior. DJ- you are brave for airing your issues and it sounds like you are helping others also. Stay strong- it will make life so much easier and more enjoyable.
I can relate so bad at 37:22 …. I am the sister. I still can’t understand how all of my siblings grew up in the same household for the most part and I’m the only one that has something. I also really hate being one of the higher earners for my family, even though I don’t even earn that much and get looked at as a cash bank.
It's the same with me and my family. I feel like all my siblings are impulsive and bad with money and I'm the planner who always has some money in the bank, and then get asked for money 😭 worse is then when they can't pay me back, they feel guilty and don't want to talk to me. Oh well
41:30 she’s me fr, fr. I haven’t had any major consequences. It doesn’t affect my life in a real way. I know exactly how that feels. This episode is hitting for me
Me, too. I wanna tell DJ I'm the same.
You're lying to yourself about the consequences. Do you have your own home and car that are paid for? Are you at or above the average 401k account balance? Do you get to take at least one real vacation a year?
This was such a relatable episode for me. I do what she does and was able to get to the bottom of WHY I do it. Great episode. Thank you for helping us.
Credit card companies are thirsting at the mouth when they hear "I get a new outfit every week to go out" Like what?
Ramit's job is really hard. He has to do so much heavy lifting here 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂. He has so much patience.
@Ramit, this was the episode I didn’t want to watch but needed to see. DJ IS ME. I have been stuck trying to figure how to get unstuck with the exact same debt, same thinking, and inability to see the solution - ‘I don’t know’ is the modus I operate from when anything gets hard. I am so glad I suck through this uncomfortable (for me) to watch conversation between yourself and DJ. She was the mirror I needed to change some broken mindset programs I have had. I have already changed back to using my checking acct and am ok if this takes me 2 years to payoff. I can not thank you enough for doing what you do. ❤
Make sure to set the exact date you'll be debt free and make a plan!
Well done you for seeing it!! Good luck!
She's moving everything in the right direction! More income, plan to pay off the debt, and a supportive partner. I love this hard conversation and creating the framework to have the best life ever!
I love this session. DJ is funny and honest while Adam is patient and level-headed. With DJ taking responsibility and accountability, to her problem, hopefully they will flourish their relationship for the better.
My best friend is a spender, I’ve known her for 40 years. This lady reminds me of her, she may never change. It’s about satisfying her needs first.
Not needs -- wants. Humans are a bottomless pit of wants. We have few real needs
I have a friend like that! She's so lucky she has a rich family who made it possible for her to buy a house. I hope she'll be able to keep it up at least.
She thinks that she doesn't spend a lot, but she has bags of unworn clothes in the attic, is on holiday several times a year and goes to restaurant on a regular basis. Her car is a name brand. She really thinks we have a comparable lifestyle but I'm so much more frugal. Everything's old, basic and second hand. Spending is only fun when it involves stocks.
I think she just missed the whole part where her boyfriend said he's not in a rush to get married. And when she talked about her wants nothing on having a family.
Yeah it seems like they are completely misaligned - It makes me question why they are together
I have definitely wondered why they are together.
@@BrandonTalksFitness she has a hole
NEWS FLASH: you don’t have to have kids in order to get married!
I agree that having kids is a choice, and not everyone has to choose that path.
I listened to this episode again and answered Ramit's questions and learned a lot about myself.
The interesting thing is that she has taken on the role of her father. Her father was irresponsible with money and delegated the responsibility to her mother. Her mother even delegated the responsibility to her teenage sister at times. As much as she values her mother, who is “good” with money, she doesn’t really want to be like her, to be the one who figures it out when it comes to money. She says this doesn’t impact her really, but we all know it actually does. Even if you choose to ignore it, debt weighs on you and limits your opportunities and your autonomy. I hope she follows through on her plan and learns what it feels like to own your power as an individual before moving into a marriage.
I dont think it “weighs” on her really. Its almost like she thinks its her own money that she’s spending really.
calm, calm, calm. then ramit breaks at 4:09 already 😆. appreciate how these conversations go though in a very non-judgmental yet no-nonsense way.
If THIS is just a warm up to the incoming Netflix show, MAN, the show is going to be AWESOME! These are encouraging to watch! So many take-aways!
47:00 this is so relatable to someone losing weight. They know they have to eat healthy and workout to lose weight. They’ve read a million books. But do they do it? Maybe not. They have the knowledge, but it’s an emotional problem.
Fascinating youtube channel,.. just had it pop up in my recommends and seeing that this channel operator is respectful; and kind to the people asking for help is wonderful. I can see tons of learning for me from this channel based on a glance at video titles from past videos. Very cool. Thanks. Subscribed.
Thank you for watching!
I don't think this is about money, I don't think Adam wants to marry her again. Period
Ramit is so great with these guests. I've been following Ramit's work since the barefoot edition of his book and am so in awe each time another great product comes out. The guests are so brave to come and share their stories. So many people I know would have ended these calls at the "I don't know!" point.
I believe I'm good with money and I still pick up lessons from these podcasts that expose my habits with money as well as in other aspects of my life.
Ramit you are awesome! This is all going back to her Dad's irresponsibility & her mom bailing him out & mommying him for years. She is living this codependent dynamic with her mom, her fiance & Ramit. Unskilled she decided to take full personal responsibility for her life she will stay stuck.
Bro she's seems nice, but it ain't worth it. Run!!!! Don't walk away. RUN!!!! The debt is a symptom of a larger problem. Anyone who is not willing to take responsibility for their actions and thoughts and problems, as an adult is not someone who is ready to start a life with. Your gut in not wanting to commit now is a strong sign. Listen to it.
I was listening on Spotify but I felt compelled to come say this. RUN ADAM RUN!!!
Exactly
She doesn't even seem nice to me. She is irritating.
@@debbielockhart7762 She "snaps" when she gets called out. I had a hard time ignoring it. She's manipulative.
It's so common for people to have this mentality around points card and the system is designed exactly for this. I am so glad for this couple that they're moving forward!
It's crazy that people never do the math. I guess it's harder with points vs a cash back percentage. But still, getting back 2% on your purchases and being charged 20-30% in interest that compounds from not paying it off.
Does anybody else get a really bad feeling about that girl. Every time she spoke about her spending I had bella ringing in the back of my head telling me she tries to portray a wealthy lifestyle more than anything. She wants to spend money on getting her hair done and on new clothes whenever she wanta, but that has many levels to it that they don't talk about. Some hair stylist and clothes are extremely expensive. She also carriea 15k worth of CC debt on a 92k salary... That debt should be gone 6 months onto that new job. That is a very high income and the fact that she hasn't paid it off yet is a big red flag for me.
This video is so eye opening, this is about so much more than just money. Thank you.
It always amaze me how much you dig deep into someone spending behaviour. Fascinating!
DO NOT MARRY OR GET INVOLVED WITH AN ADULT CHILD!
It looks like a dad and daughter 😬
The background she chose isn't really helping this perception, I tried to like... Hamper my first impression but when I saw her show up on the screen I was like ohhhh boy
Strong consideration for Adam to move on, considering he may be staring at divorce #2.
Ok that was amazing, the episodes are seriously getting better and better 👌 Thank you to all the amazing people willing to go on this show/Podcast, you are helping lots of people to learn ❤️
I went through this. You have to make a commitment to stop spending, and chunk off those bills. I wish I did this to my husband before we got married. I did it for him after we were married, and he took it for granted. Paid off the cards, paid off his car, student loans, and they all went back up. I was his money machine for 14 years, culminating in the divorce. With me, saving was my way to deal with a job I didn't like. I wanted to pay everything off so I could quit, but it was like an eternal treadmill with him. Always something unexpected to buy--for him. I bought something I liked, and he would have something negative about me spending the money. Gambling addiction is shameful for the people who suffer with it. I totally understand why she saved it for last.
A big bucket with a hole. Run. A scarcity complex? Troubling. She just wants to live with him and doesn’t want to marry him. Good time to escape.
I love how the light bulb finally came on with DJ. After she pays off the credit cards, then she can use those points if she wants by charging and PAYING OFF every single month. She is much younger than me when I finally got it together. She will do great!
Ramit you have the patience of a saint… I felt like I was banging my head against the wall with the number of dodges and “I don’t know”s she threw back.
This. I’ve never been more frustrated but I know its because she’s not ready to face the truth of why she does the things she does. She can’t go deep or get to the root because then she’ll have to face herself and clearly she can’t
Knowing what to do and doing it are two different things especially when there are no consequences. Its easy to create a spreadsheet but to have the discipline not to buy that stuff or save money is the problem. It takes discipline to think you have access to 'free money' and you choose not to buy that shiny stuff
I always think it's interesting to see how childhood echos in our lives. I think her sister got her mother's lessons while she followed her father's gambling lessons. She lives in the now and believes she will win. Her mother lived in the future and saved for that day. Her sister gained that lesson. Interesting that two sisters in the same family learned different lessons from their childhoods.
After hearing about her dad it helps me understand her so much better.
I would never marry a person with impulse control issue. It is a time bomb.
I feel like they missed drawing a parallel between DJ and her dad - living in the moment and burying ones head in the sand about spending and racking up bills is a lot like the gambler mentality
They didn’t need to draw the parallel out loud because it’s obvious. Adam got it.
She's been enabled her entire life so this will take time and would be nice to see a follow up. Had a friend just like this, in his late 30s, parents still paying for his cell phone, car insurance, paying his mortgage, etc. He made decent money, but blew it left and right on stupid stuff and couldn't figure out why no one wanted to get into a serious relationship with him. She's 37 and her room looks like a 5 year old child's bedroom, there's a lot of psychological stuff at play here. "I save 10% of my paycheck" to "My sister saves, I don't save, I have no idea." So is she saving or not, makes no sense. It became pretty evident toward the end she's just playing dumb because she enjoys being enabled.
Wish we would have got more detail on Adam's debt and he still seems emotionally hurt from the last marriage. Combining the financial numbers didn't really help either since they aren't married.
She’s 33 not 37
Damn, this shiii is good. She is literally getting a therapy session for free. I am getting stuff out of this that is for me too. I am at 43:01. What Ramit just said makes perfect sense. It doesn't matter how much debt she has or how much more she makes. The decision is being made on her emotions. Nothing to do with is she has the money or not and how much she is already in debt. Damn, this is awesome and crazy at the same time. I hope she goes back to view this to marinate, ponder, and soak this.
omg im 24 .. and im hitting my head against a wall watching this. How is it that people in their 30s+ don't have or at least WANT a savings? wow.
Ramit’s work is literally dedicated to uncovering the why- this episode is no exception.
I still don't understand it. It's all about feelings. That's very vague and complicated. Her father gambles and therefore she spends? I don't get the connection. She wants "a rich life". And therefore wastes all the money she has. Doesn't make a lot of sense. He tries to explain but it doesn't become clear to me.
As someone who was a DJ until I saw this episode last year, the problem isn’t the dad, IT’S THE MOM. The mom has taught her that she will never fall flat on her face because she will take care of it. This taught DJ that she isn’t capable. My parents are the same as hers basically.
I got sober several months after this episode came out and as the flog clears have uncovered many ways my mom signalled to me that I don’t matter. My mom is high-key obsessed with buying me things.
Can't help but think about DJ's "good with money" sister. I hope she's well. Having to hide the family money from her dad sounds super traumatic.
Seriously, I could just hear that “Under the Surface” song about the older sister taking all the weight of the family.
I feel her on an emotional level. I would love to see her get out of debt
I only have debit card. I haven't had a credit card for about 20 years.
You've got me really thinking about my relationship with money and what's important to me.
My ex was like DJ, a believer and Avoider. She never wanted to talk finances with me and overall it frusturated me because she thought that her money problems would just go away. Yet she refused to change her lifestyle and added more to her monthly bills and never thought about a savings or anything like that.
I ALWAYS told the children “I don’t know isn’t an answer” take responsibility! Was a way to put the conversation back on them. I used the winner vs. loser saying as consequence when they needed to step back and reflect on what they were saying or behaving
she saw her dad getting away with everything and still having placement and no debt. because her mom did it all... she is doing the same thing expecting the partner to do the same.
My last relationship would have gone so much smoother if I had realized how woefully insecure my debt made me feel at the time & if I’d come up with a plan…I didn’t even KNOW that was such a source of poor self-image. It never clicked until I had an emergency post-breakup that forced me to max out all of my credit cards and get serious about starting paying debt down. The relief and the weight that came off my shoulders was astounding and I hadn’t even been consciously aware that it was there. Different outlook now entirely.
Shaking my head at an hour 7 minutes because she just agreed to pay down her credit card at 2K per month, but she not admitting that she will still be spending all the other money in her checking account. It will take many more months than 9 months. She will lower that $2000 right away.
True. But, you could watch it in 1.5 speed or more.
"Everybody who uses a debit card has credit card debt." My wife and I ONLY have debit cards...cheeky 😊.
My husband and I ONLY use credit cards, pay them off every Friday, and cash out thousands in rewards every year. Say hi to Dave)
I would look into a prenup - it also deals with debt, not just assets.
Whew, the age gap between them is a huge elephant in the room. His perspective totally makes sense for someone later in life, especially post divorce. She's in a place where marriage means something different, means she's not supposed to be finished yet. As she says, she hasn't faced any accountability in her life. He's asking her to hurry and finish growing up. Best of luck to them.
Did they state her age? I missed that part.
I’m a female and I don’t have any debt, it puts me off hearing when a guy does have debt and is doing nothing to get rid of it. I don’t blame him.
I really feel for DJ. I wonder if she is also unable to say "no" to herself because she is using spending money as a way to numb out or soothe negative emotions that she can't bring herself to feel. It's not just that spending less money will equal having less stuff and fun, but also that it would open up an opportunity for whatever she might be suppressing to rise up.
I love the show and am happy to see all of Ramit's success!
The points are only if you use your credit card like an atm and you pay it in full every month.
There are definitely consequences to her behavior... She just doesn't see the consequences... She is paying a debt infinity that never goes down.
Whenever I find myself wanting to spend money on something I don’t need, but wanting the high of shopping, I have to go NO BUY for a months or longer. It’s an addiction.
First time watching the channel. I truly appreciate the honest of this couple. I feel like the host isn't just a "money man" he sounds like a psychologist. And I feel that once you are married you become one. So both parties need to be whole. I too don't think they should get married until she get her debt under control.
That was his major.
I wish DJ took this seriously 🤦🏾♀️
She really wasted all of our time
I loved it lol. It’s a lesson still
I was annoyed by her less than a minute in.
Thank You for the show!! This great inside information... Thanks the guest for opening up about lives..
This conversation would’ve been way more productive if Ramit was talking to Adam and Adam told her. She obviously values him more than herself and is only trying to fix this for him. I hate that for her but I hope she realizes her value.
1:11:31 Thank you for being a teaching example for my audience. I am often called “mean” for my straightforward answers, so seeing your no nonsense way of holding her accountable was very inspiring and reassuring.
I am teaching feminines the importance of self development prior to dating, which includes maturing your money management skills.
She is very self aware and I am glad you called her out for playing dumb. She plays dumb because there’s no consequences for not using the smarts within her. Most of us had to use our smarts for survival (such as being homeless).
I hope she understands the importance of getting her finances together for now and in the future
I think there are consequences, they just ignore it. It triggers me so hard to think of all the money wasted on interest. She could buy many more things if she paid the cc balance on time.
I see the men here thinking about money in a practical, “black and white” way. Then when I watch her I see a beautiful, emotional, intelligent woman who has no self esteem, and no faith in herself. I don’t see how he can be the perfect match for her. He’s worried about money and protecting himself. She is obviously looking for love, security, and someone to be a friend. She needs to work on her self worth. She needs to trust herself, and celebrate that she is successful and capable. I believe once she changes her self view and treats herself with kindness - her habits with money will change.
Amen. She was making twice as much as him, is far better looking and seems pretty smart. She just needs some self confidence! Her debt is minor.
Ramit spent so much time on it and let her boyfriend off scot free. Something tells me his finances are probably not perfect either.
Very, very interesting. The psychological probing is genius and really will set people up for success after truly identifying their issues. This particular episode helped me understand the behaviors that I’m seeing with a few people in my life. Wow.
Just bought your book midway way through the episode!
YES DJ.. Sometimes you need to shut down your life temporarily to reach a bigger goal. It’s called adulting. It takes sacrifice. It takes saying NO to lots of things you want to do that would give you instant gratification in order to instead do the thing that would get you closer to your big picture. It takes putting new habits and behaviors into place. Until you make the choice to stop living a lifestyle you can’t afford and instead to live and make choices with intention, you’ll be broke. And you probably won’t be married to your current guy, who has already learned this the hard way. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
This is what I do, I am married 12 years, two kids 17 and 14 and I still act like I don’t know stuff I think because I just want someone to take care of me in certain ways but it is always me that does the taking care of.
That man needs to give her a timeframe to pay off this debt. Either she pays it off and they can get married for he moves on. If she cares about the relationship she'll figure it out.
He has his own debt. Why is hers the priority?
@@katie8325 I never said his didn't matter. It's been a few weeks since I watched this but it seemed like he considered her refusal to pay down any debt to be a red flag. Not all debt is bad and I think he considered his to be reasonable. I also think he would be worried about what happens if they get married, she gets pregnant, then he can't afford to keep them afloat on one income. I could be wrong though. If you saw some thing different I'm open to hearing your take.
He's not in a rush to get married so deep down he may not want her to pay the debt so they don't get married.
Yes!
So, you want to get married so your everyday conversation is going to be this run around? Madness
Thank you for this podcast! I know it was hard to see these flaws for some people but it was great to see a lot of myself in her and see a mirror in my own behaviors. This has been very helpful!
It's been 8 months since this was posted. I'd love to know how they're doing.
That was incredibly enlightening. Thank you for being so honest! I wish all of you the best in life ❤
Great episode. Would have really love to see some of the focus on him as well. He mentioned he has debt, but we don't know how much. What are his strategies for knocking down his debt as well? Either way great episode. But would also love to hear about him as well.
Every time I watch these I just want to cry because I feel so sad when he talks and makes them bring up the realization that it is them!
She's her father. Someone will take care of her and it'll all magically work out
This comment is spot on. She dances around it but she wants to make lifestyle decisions and someone else will make it all work. Frustrating bc she knows the language of finance to a degree but then says “I don’t know.” She doesn’t want to face reality.
Ramit I really like your podcasts/ TH-cam videos now, I’ve been listening to them since the very beginning and for sure I learn a lot about the financial world. Congrats and please keep doing it. I’m also gotta say the amount of adds you’re adding to the e videos are very annoying. Less adds please.
I see what Adam is saying about being okay with DJ having SOME debt. Ramit was looking for a yes/no answer and Adam gave a truthful answer with financially smart reasoning. Ramit kind of got beat there and stuck with the generalization. Ramit knows not all debt is bad debt. DJ has bad debt but probably some good debt in there as well.
Loved your netflix show. Picked up your book and journal and preordered the new one. At 40 with almost no investments I hope I can live a rich life.
I'm sorry. Watching this was exhausting. However, I love the way Remit is candid, direct, and not accepting her excuses.
Crap. I’m seeing myself in this lady. I’ve come a long way but still lol. I got some work to do.
Omg my jaw dropped when she said 90K literally doubled. That’s what I need
The only spreadsheet she needs is an honest list of ‘needs’ and ‘wants’, and stick to not spending a cent on everything under the ‘wants’ list until she catches up with her debt.
1:05:17 the whole video can be cut down to this one sentence. "You can only buy with what's in your checking account." How can you have done all this financial research but sincerely have no grasp on that?