It’s insane how relatable all of this is, especially your brain just kinda turning off how you feel about people once it computes the amount they’ve been hurting you
I’ve had a lot of abusive and toxic friendships and the thing you said about emotions being switched off once your brain has realised that the relationship isn’t working and how you’re being treated is very relatable. I have a history of being very easily manipulated in person and people being able to change my mind about ending things extremely easily so I did all my platonic breakups over text. It helped me map out all my thoughts and even though it’s seen as terrible from an allistic perspective, it helped my black and white thinking and stopped me from not being coerced back into a relationship. Once I have decided something isn’t working and that someone is abusive that’s it, and I feel just pure relief when it’s over. I related to a lot of what you said to be honest!
I can't relate more strongly to turning off my feelings towards people once they've fucked me over enough. I can cut people out. This was a really helpful video Dana, thank you!! Im glad you've cut out the people that were treating you wrong and I do understand you!! You're not a bad person. I make the switch too.
I relate to so much of what you say. I’ve cut off most people I have known which makes me feel cold, but really I think it just shows integrity. I’m 33, recently self diagnosed as autistic and I’m currently awaiting a formal assessment, but I’m almost 95% sure I am. I still feel confused when I watch videos like yours (hear me out) because it all seems so relatable and just normal to me and what I’ve experienced my whole life, but am only just realising it’s because I’m autistic too and see the world in similar ways. Just want to say thanks for speaking so truthfully. It’s really helping me get to grips with who I am and have always been and I’m not feeling so alone or just like the weirdo of the world so much anymore.
I’m a little different. Once I realize things are bad in a relationship I sever it then. Once I see the negative I can’t unsee it. It’s almost impossible for me to pretend the elephant isn’t in the room. Not trying to compare here, just trying to share my perspective.
I love people sharing their perspectives here, it’s half the point of the channel I think 😂 I find it far too easy to write off whatever I’m realising until it gets too bad to ignore or I have some sort of wake up call!
If someone does enough bad things to me then I am done. And once I am done then I am done. There is no going back. This happened more when I was younger. Now I have worked on finding healthier people so I don't have to throw so many people out of my life.
thank you dana, i wish i was as brave you :) for me, in the past, in similar situations, it's been how i tend to place others in front of me, thinking that staying when its no longer good for me is somehow benefiting the other side (which obviously, is not always the case) ; and its always easier to part ways when you don't like a person anymore so its a win-win. no, i'm kidding. but i did realize that for me at least, in the long run - i prefer going on my own as soon as i feel like i'm not enjoying being around someone anymore and that way we both get to keep our good times together. the breakup is hard no doubt but with good memories and ice-cream we can, in time, start building our next adventure.
People of all types can feel trapped in bad relationships and situations and although they feel very unhappy they learn to endure them (not that they should). Something may be bad but at least it is familiar and a feeling of "better the devil you know" can develop. For autistic people though leaving bad relationships and situations is much harder because change is more difficult and unnerving. If someone has very few relationships they're more likely to cling even to bad ones for fear of being alone or not finding someone else (or someone even worse). The same can be true of jobs where a bad job is endured because there is fear of being unemployed and not getting anything else. It can take years to make the change which it might take others months , weeks or even days to make but once someone has found the courage to make a break it does become easier to do so again.
Pretty much all of my romantic relationships have failed in the same way, at about the 15-18 month mark. Other than my first, none were abusive, and it was me leaving, not the other way around. I think alexithymia plays a pretty big role in me struggling to identify my own feelings or to picture any kind of future, with or without my partner at the time, and my relationships basically follow the same self-destructive path of me trying to prove my worth by trying to help with any issue I felt I could, at whatever cost to myself. This will lead to burnout every time, especially if they do not reciprocate my efforts when I am in need and they are able. I know that this is an unfair expectation, but knowing that doesn't make anything any easier. Unknowingly masking around them and their friends or family doesn't make anything easier either. It's been a long time since I've dated anyone, and I don't think that's going to change any time soon.
Yes, it takes a lot and actually... so far, it's always been when I see how badly they treat *other* people, not me. But the way my brain flips that switch, definitely. CW domestic violence snd slurs against women With my dad, it was when he knocked my mom down twice *and* refused to apologize, that was when my brain said okay, enough. Done with him. None of the 21 years of mainly emotional abuse towards me and my sister did it, because I didn't know it wasn't normal or counted as abusive. With my ex, I didn't end the relationship, he did. I was still devastated and heartbroken for at least a year and a half afterwards. He hadn't treated me well in some ways, but in a lot of other ways he did treat me better than anyone else ever had, and I really did love him. I didn't know how to stop loving someone I loved. It was only when I found out from someone who worked at the leasing office at my apartment complex, he had come back to collect a package shortly after he moved out, and when she couldn't release it to him due to him not living here anymore, started screaming at her and got all aggressive and called her a c*nt and a st*pid b*tch. My brain was like, well the person I loved would never have done that, he always said his mom raised him to be respectful to women, therefore he's not the person I thought he was therefore not the person I loved therefore I do not love him, and flipped that switch.
I noticed when I really love someone and it ends, i am inconsolable and miserable. But when i have ended it with people and felt instant relief after...I was obviously not really in love. I haven't cried over a break up in about 8 years. That's probably the last time I really loved anybody. And what's crazy is that she is a really shitty person but you really can't control who you feel that love/connection with. You can totally feel what you think is love for somebody and then not have any emotional reaction when you break up. And then you can break up with someone and not even be able to function afterwards. Even if they are a shitty person. There really are no rules to life...which makes being autistic tough.
Autistic women have it easier when it comes to relationships. Autistic men can struggle to find love. Edit: I am not even sure what love is if I am being honest here. I thought I had found the ONE three years ago but she turned out to be a very shitty person who couldn't even tell me she had a boyfriend. I only found out there was a boyfriend when I visited her one Sunday morning to find he was there. I felt like I had been set up. And since then I been mourning the loss of a relationship that never existed. She is like a ghost of a loved one that won't move on and you can't grieve because the ghost won't go into the light. Do I make sense here? I wish she would move away from the area so I can figurately move on. She used me, took advantage of me because she knew I loved her. I feel like I was just the back up boyfriend until something better came along all that time. It sucks and it hurts. To tell you the truth I would rather be single and lonely but happy rather than be single and lonely but heartbroken. She broke me and then discarded me like I was trash.
When it comes to thinking about abusive people, here's a thing: Your family was super racist, and yet, you are not. This proves that, no matter the circumstances you grow up in, there's something uniquely you that determines if you come out of it an asshole, or if you come out of it a kind and compassionate, self-reflecting person. 'I gew up like this' is a shitty excuse for shitty people who don't want to be held responsible for their own failings as a human being. And sure, we absorb parts of the shit we grow up in, that's inevitable, some trauma shows itself in sucky behaviour. But genuinely wanting to be better and to actually do the work necessary is a decision we make, rather than to just go with the shit because it's easier. So, an abusive person that had a shit life is still responsible for being abusive. Because there are a ton of people who had an even shittier life and still turned out lovely, kind and compassionate.
It’s insane how relatable all of this is, especially your brain just kinda turning off how you feel about people once it computes the amount they’ve been hurting you
I’ve had a lot of abusive and toxic friendships and the thing you said about emotions being switched off once your brain has realised that the relationship isn’t working and how you’re being treated is very relatable. I have a history of being very easily manipulated in person and people being able to change my mind about ending things extremely easily so I did all my platonic breakups over text. It helped me map out all my thoughts and even though it’s seen as terrible from an allistic perspective, it helped my black and white thinking and stopped me from not being coerced back into a relationship. Once I have decided something isn’t working and that someone is abusive that’s it, and I feel just pure relief when it’s over. I related to a lot of what you said to be honest!
I think I can relate to you about crying and wishing that you had a mother who cared.
I can't relate more strongly to turning off my feelings towards people once they've fucked me over enough. I can cut people out. This was a really helpful video Dana, thank you!! Im glad you've cut out the people that were treating you wrong and I do understand you!! You're not a bad person. I make the switch too.
I relate to so much of what you say. I’ve cut off most people I have known which makes me feel cold, but really I think it just shows integrity. I’m 33, recently self diagnosed as autistic and I’m currently awaiting a formal assessment, but I’m almost 95% sure I am. I still feel confused when I watch videos like yours (hear me out) because it all seems so relatable and just normal to me and what I’ve experienced my whole life, but am only just realising it’s because I’m autistic too and see the world in similar ways. Just want to say thanks for speaking so truthfully. It’s really helping me get to grips with who I am and have always been and I’m not feeling so alone or just like the weirdo of the world so much anymore.
I’m a little different. Once I realize things are bad in a relationship I sever it then. Once I see the negative I can’t unsee it. It’s almost impossible for me to pretend the elephant isn’t in the room. Not trying to compare here, just trying to share my perspective.
I love people sharing their perspectives here, it’s half the point of the channel I think 😂 I find it far too easy to write off whatever I’m realising until it gets too bad to ignore or I have some sort of wake up call!
You are such a beautiful person.
If someone does enough bad things to me then I am done. And once I am done then I am done. There is no going back. This happened more when I was younger. Now I have worked on finding healthier people so I don't have to throw so many people out of my life.
thank you dana, i wish i was as brave you :) for me, in the past, in similar situations, it's been how i tend to place others in front of me, thinking that staying when its no longer good for me is somehow benefiting the other side (which obviously, is not always the case) ; and its always easier to part ways when you don't like a person anymore so its a win-win. no, i'm kidding. but i did realize that for me at least, in the long run - i prefer going on my own as soon as i feel like i'm not enjoying being around someone anymore and that way we both get to keep our good times together. the breakup is hard no doubt but with good memories and ice-cream we can, in time, start building our next adventure.
People of all types can feel trapped in bad relationships and situations and although they feel very unhappy they learn to endure them (not that they should). Something may be bad but at least it is familiar and a feeling of "better the devil you know" can develop. For autistic people though leaving bad relationships and situations is much harder because change is more difficult and unnerving. If someone has very few relationships they're more likely to cling even to bad ones for fear of being alone or not finding someone else (or someone even worse). The same can be true of jobs where a bad job is endured because there is fear of being unemployed and not getting anything else. It can take years to make the change which it might take others months , weeks or even days to make but once someone has found the courage to make a break it does become easier to do so again.
Pretty much all of my romantic relationships have failed in the same way, at about the 15-18 month mark. Other than my first, none were abusive, and it was me leaving, not the other way around. I think alexithymia plays a pretty big role in me struggling to identify my own feelings or to picture any kind of future, with or without my partner at the time, and my relationships basically follow the same self-destructive path of me trying to prove my worth by trying to help with any issue I felt I could, at whatever cost to myself. This will lead to burnout every time, especially if they do not reciprocate my efforts when I am in need and they are able.
I know that this is an unfair expectation, but knowing that doesn't make anything any easier. Unknowingly masking around them and their friends or family doesn't make anything easier either.
It's been a long time since I've dated anyone, and I don't think that's going to change any time soon.
Yes, it takes a lot and actually... so far, it's always been when I see how badly they treat *other* people, not me. But the way my brain flips that switch, definitely.
CW domestic violence snd slurs against women
With my dad, it was when he knocked my mom down twice *and* refused to apologize, that was when my brain said okay, enough. Done with him. None of the 21 years of mainly emotional abuse towards me and my sister did it, because I didn't know it wasn't normal or counted as abusive.
With my ex, I didn't end the relationship, he did. I was still devastated and heartbroken for at least a year and a half afterwards. He hadn't treated me well in some ways, but in a lot of other ways he did treat me better than anyone else ever had, and I really did love him. I didn't know how to stop loving someone I loved. It was only when I found out from someone who worked at the leasing office at my apartment complex, he had come back to collect a package shortly after he moved out, and when she couldn't release it to him due to him not living here anymore, started screaming at her and got all aggressive and called her a c*nt and a st*pid b*tch. My brain was like, well the person I loved would never have done that, he always said his mom raised him to be respectful to women, therefore he's not the person I thought he was therefore not the person I loved therefore I do not love him, and flipped that switch.
I noticed when I really love someone and it ends, i am inconsolable and miserable. But when i have ended it with people and felt instant relief after...I was obviously not really in love. I haven't cried over a break up in about 8 years. That's probably the last time I really loved anybody. And what's crazy is that she is a really shitty person but you really can't control who you feel that love/connection with. You can totally feel what you think is love for somebody and then not have any emotional reaction when you break up. And then you can break up with someone and not even be able to function afterwards. Even if they are a shitty person. There really are no rules to life...which makes being autistic tough.
Autistic women have it easier when it comes to relationships. Autistic men can struggle to find love.
Edit: I am not even sure what love is if I am being honest here. I thought I had found the ONE three years ago but she turned out to be a very shitty person who couldn't even tell me she had a boyfriend. I only found out there was a boyfriend when I visited her one Sunday morning to find he was there. I felt like I had been set up. And since then I been mourning the loss of a relationship that never existed. She is like a ghost of a loved one that won't move on and you can't grieve because the ghost won't go into the light. Do I make sense here? I wish she would move away from the area so I can figurately move on. She used me, took advantage of me because she knew I loved her. I feel like I was just the back up boyfriend until something better came along all that time. It sucks and it hurts. To tell you the truth I would rather be single and lonely but happy rather than be single and lonely but heartbroken. She broke me and then discarded me like I was trash.
When it comes to thinking about abusive people, here's a thing:
Your family was super racist, and yet, you are not. This proves that, no matter the circumstances you grow up in, there's something uniquely you that determines if you come out of it an asshole, or if you come out of it a kind and compassionate, self-reflecting person.
'I gew up like this' is a shitty excuse for shitty people who don't want to be held responsible for their own failings as a human being.
And sure, we absorb parts of the shit we grow up in, that's inevitable, some trauma shows itself in sucky behaviour. But genuinely wanting to be better and to actually do the work necessary is a decision we make, rather than to just go with the shit because it's easier.
So, an abusive person that had a shit life is still responsible for being abusive. Because there are a ton of people who had an even shittier life and still turned out lovely, kind and compassionate.